Our mission won't be easy. The balance of power in the software industry is constantly in flux and no clear victor has yet emerged. Our job is to get the word out to our operatives in the field so they can be entertained a bit in these dark times. To understand more about our mission, you may need more information on the history of the present state. In addition, more information about our mission and this site dedicated to it, particularly if you are a member of the media, is available at About this Site. Don't let your ignorance daunt you, though. Much can be accomplished with only a little understanding of this industry, mostly because that's about all anyone has.

So, now you are adequately prepared to begin your tour of duty. Here is the information we currently have available:

Table of Contents

Previous Field Reports
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Dossiers
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Field Phone
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Top Practitioner on the Front Wages an All-Out Push Against a Deadly Illness Infecting Troops Worldwide

Writing Lucid Code
6-23-97, Reported by Lt. Comdr. Jeff Gainer

A strange illness seems to be taking stronger hold on software development troops worldwide. The symptoms of this illness include losing the strength and/or inclination to document code, use of global variables, proliferation of non-generic functions and subroutines, and worst of all--loss of objectivity that would indicate to the afflicted that he or she has fallen ill. This illness cannot always be detected by normal means such as MRI (Meticulous Résumé Investigation) scans and EKGs (Electronic Konstruction Guidelines). Practitioners looking to eradicate its presence from peers must sometimes resort to unorthodox methods such as mentoring and distribution of self-diagnostic information and documents, all targeted to catalyze a reaction in the victim so that he or she can begin the healing process. When recovery begins however, it is rapid. Recovered victims must always watch for the signs of remission to be truly cured, however.

Although practitioners have not determined the exact vector of transmission of this illness, it seems to have an affinity for developers cut off from a traditional sense of community with colleagues in their field. [The editor wonders if perhaps this is an affliction related to that seen in lab monkeys when a "fuzzy mother" is not provided during childhood. For those of you not versed in this phenomenon, a "fuzzy mother" boils down to a washcloth on a coat hanger, in the absence of which--or a real mother--baby lab monkeys grow to adulthood psychologically stunted and warped. They don't write very good code, either.]

It seems that residual radiation from the catastrophic Great Structured Programming tests of the early 70s has exacerbated the rate of infection by making victims feel that they have adequate protection granted by the extensive inoculations of OOP they have received as a result. Alas, these inoculations were meant to prevent damage to the unexposed, or prevent further damage to victims from occurring. They do little to cure damage done prior to exposure.

Only time can tell if this alarming epidemic can be stemmed. This excellent report hails from the field by one of the leading evangelists and practitioners of writing solid, maintainable code who actually still gets his hands dirty in the trenches. Look for more of Jeff's insights in his book Developing Web Applications with Visual Basic 5, published by Que in August. Also upcoming from Jeff, look for Lucid Code: Taming Software Development Chaos, which Jeff plans to publish just as soon as he has time to finish it.

Access the entire report for more information.

Weakness in Microsoft HQ's Invulnerability Shield Detected. Threat Deflected by the Company's Quick Action

The Microsoft Internet Information Server 3.0 Bug
6-19-97, Reported by Col. T. Fast
Updated 6-23-97

Last week, operatives at CJHQ inadvertently found a gaping hole in Microsoft HQ's invulnerability shield. Microsoft was informed quickly by our forces of the hole and that strikes via this channel were possible by virtually anyone. No official word from Commander-in-chief W. Gates or his staff reached our operatives regarding the preparations the company made to withstand this latest threat until mid-Friday. It appears that because of the early warning and Microsoft's blinding quickness, Microsoft made a patch to the invulnerability shield available later that day.

This patch also protects remote installations who have purchased the company's invulnerability shield technology. The patch seems to be holding, and there have been no reports of breaches to their invulnerability shield since the patch was applied. No word has yet been released from Microsoft on the impending release of their Visual Invulnerability Shield product.

Testing of similar devices manufactured by Netscape has shown that they've incorporated sophisticated routines in their devices to prevent similar attacks. These sophisticated devices are known, rather oddly, as "if...then" statements. We don't know what they do, but apparently they do it quite well. Of course, we can't be entirely confident of reports of Netscape's invulnerability. Of course, I'm referring to the recent reports by a penniless Danish mole of a loose ground wire in Netscape's shield product that could potentially and fatally shock users. When confronted, the mole had little more to say besides, "Let me talk to the guy with the Czech book". No one knows quite who he was referring to, but the man couldn't be found on the Netscape compound.

Access the entire report for more information.