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I'm looking for alien life and am told I can find it at these email addresses. Is there life out there?
****in whisper* i think he knows.
***shhh, act normal. maybe he's just testing us.
***but he's shagbert the red eye. evil one extraordinare.
***true. but he's also 500 some miles away.
***ah, good point.
*clearing throat* HI! Nope, no life here!
***dumb ass! of course there's life here!
Oh, yeah, um, there's life here, but no alien ones. Nope. Definitely no aliens.
You forget my incredible powers
*what powers are those, boss?*
which visualize clearly over such short distances.
*Where are my glasses?*
*On your head, boss.*
Hmm... Evil One Extrodinare? Is this a new title the lowly ones have given me? Perhaps I should have the masses flogged in gratitude. Oh, hell, find me a virgin to sacrifice!
*The virgins have pitchforks, boss.*
*Then impale yourself and have the guards rush them.*
**Stupid lowly minion dies**
One of these days I'll find a minion that will have a braincell. *sigh*
Pity there are no aliens. I could have started a war. Now I shall have to console myself with a round of terrors and plagues.
Come on girls! Raise those pitch forks high! We'll show EOE what we're made of!
**Sugar and spice?
Huh, well no, I don't think that's true....Never mind! He thinks he can flog the masses?! What a dispicable, low down...
***twiddling thumbs* I thought you liked to be flogged.
*erk* Uh...well, uh...
**And what are you doing leading the virgins on an attack?
*aura darkening as eyes narrow to laser vision of death* Are you implying something?
**........I think I left my cat on. Gotta go!
*minion one turns to minion two* We're going to die aren't we?
Mwa, ha, ha, ha, ha!
*minion two* Yupe, painfully.
*minion one* By who's hand?
*minion two* Good question.
*checks the cabinet* Letsee, spice... sauce, stove, stomach,... ah, spice. "Ingredients: eye of newt and toad testicles" Who says women have no balls.
*ears perk up* Likes to be flogged? I think that means we have a volunteer to go first! Step right up to the pillory, little one. Yep, just put your hands in there and neck there.
As Evil One Extrordinare, I am arbitrator of all disputes within my domain. As this is my domain, no matter what the population thinks, I must arbitrate this 'virginity issue.' As I see it there is a VERY simple way to determine this.
*Ooh! Ooh! May I boss?*
*No, no, it is a terrible task that I cannot ask of anyone.*
*Damn! This job has NO perks!*
*What was that?!*
*Huh? Wha? Oh, just a little gas boss.*
*minion three* Boss, the virgins are clamoring. They are chanting something.
*Listens briefly* Ahem! I know, I know, it is a terrible dispute, but I shall get to each of your individual cases one at a time. This may take several days, perhaps months, to sort out. Being the benevolent ruler
that I am, I will provide accommodations for all of you. Sadly, the guest wing is rather small and it would be unfair to house you all there. Fortunately, the dungeon is spacious enough to accomodate all of you. The rats and maniacal torturers have been rather lonely since the rebellion and will appreciate dolling over some visitors. *shouting* Guards! Escort my guests to the dungeon! Some may want to expedite their case through trial by combat.
*blushing furiously* WHO'S IDEA WAS IT TO TAKE OPTION TWO?!
*minion one* Yours.
Oh, yeah. The flogging didn't seem to solve anything. Not that it ever does. But it's still a good choice. *rubbing ass, grumbling* Even if I can't sit down. OK, fine so I chose option two, but since when has trial by combat require the FEMALE participants to be naked?
*minion two* I think that verdict was decided sometime between the flogging and the attempt at determining your...uh, status.
*minion one* Yea, that was a good kick!
*minion two* Certainly made a few of EOE's members bend over in sympathy pain.
Yes, but I was aiming for his temple. OH, well, same difference I guess. ^_^ So who or what am I fighting?
*minion one looks at minion two and they both shrug*
Ah, it doesn't matter. I'll be victorious no matter what! Bring it on!
*sweatdrop**minion one* That's what you said about our attack on EOE's stronghold.
Well, we at least got in, didn't we?
*minion two* Actually we got captured.
*deflating* You guys are no good for moral support.
*grunt* I... *ahem down to less squeeky* I wonder which end is blushing the more. Minion!
Next time, remind me to leave that one in the pillory. I shall have to devise a proper punishment for interrupting court. *ponder*
*minion two* the rack!
*minion three* the iron maiden!
*minion two* iron shoes!
*minion one* Jerry Lewis movies!
Aren't you supposed to be dead?
*minion one checks puncture marks* Oh yea! *falls over and convulses* Does this mean I get hazard pay?
*minion two* Boss?
*minion two* They're all locked up, Boss.
Good! *wipes his head as a raindrop hits him and listens to the quickly approaching thunder* Have they gotten the lightning rods up yet?
*minion three* Yessir!
And are they connected to the grates and bars in the dungeon?
*minion two* Just as you wanted!
Good! *evil grin* MUAHAHAHAHA! Ah, that felt good. Someone fetch me some ice and get the fire going in my chambers. *starts walking towards castle then halts. The minions pull up short of hitting him.* Do the roofs still drain into the dungeon?
*minion two* Yes boss.
Shoot, I shall have to fix that some day.
(meanwhile, in the dungeon our heroine curls up on the only remaining wooden bench, pushing off any minion who tries to sit with her)
You *pointing to minion two* check the grates to see if we can escape.
*minion two goes to reach down but pauses at the wire hooked up to the metal. that and the high voltage warning sign* Can't Minion One do this instead?
*for a moment a second thought passes through minion two's head and hell freezes over* Well, why do I have to do it?
Cuz your name tag says Minion. And I said so.
*minion two looks down at name tag spelling out N-O-I-N-I-M* oh. *grumbling* I REALLY must talk with my agent about these temp jobs.
*minion two grabs grate right as lightning crashes outside. All in room except the heroine (who is safely perched on her bench) light up like x-mas trees. Heroine ignores the sizzling in background, afterall, they are just minions.*
Next time I see that damned EOE, I'm gonna use his...well, wait, no, he would enjoy that too much. I'm gonna tell him to...no, no, he might actually do that. Hmmm...
*frazzled minion two* Ma'am, I think there's something wrong with the grates. *falls face first into the water*
Well, how else are we suppose to escape? Walk through the door?
*a twenty watt light bulb snaps on. walking up to the rather intimidating door she pushes it open with a light touch. no guards in sight.* Wow, someone just got soooo fired.
*frazzled minion one* Now what?
Where else are a group of scantily clad well endowed women go after being captured and locked up in a smelly dungeon for a couple of hours? To the bathrooms! One must look perfect when killing an enemy.
*groan from minions*
*minion two* Bad news boss! They've escaped!
That's nice. The guards are all eating?
*minion three* Yes boss.
And the secondary guards are ready?
*minion two* The psychotic lesbian sadists?
Those are the ones.
*minion two* Waiting and drooling boss. Boss? *Waits for a moment while being ignored.* Boss?
Hmm? What do you want?
*minion two* Can I keep one of those furry things?
The tribbles? No. You put ALL of them in the women's bathrooms?
*minion two and three nod*
The month-old raw sewage?
*minion three* In the men's bathrooms sir!
Good good, no one will notice. The Comfy Couches of Doom and chocolate should be entertaining.
*minion one* Chocolate, Boss?
The ones glued to the bottom of the unbreakable jars. Each one tested with Mallets of Womanly Smite. Aren't you dead yet?
*minion one* I'm trying my best, Boss!
Well, try harder. *points to minion three* You! Take him down to the kitchen. Tell the coroner to deal with the body.
*minion three* Yessir! *begins to drag minion one, who is looking about, out the door then pauses* Boss? Why the kitchen?
Cause the coroner likes to cook.
*minion three, frowning in deep thought* Oh.
Come on minion. You're going to help me spike the cafeteria food with aphrodesiac before we setup those pits in the hallway. I think we shall forgo the standard tar and feathers thing. Instead, lets break out the hair spray and hot pepper extract.
*minion two looking confused* Right Boss!
Oh, and don't forget to make sure the torches are burning extra extra hot! *shake head sadly* This place gets so cold when it rains.
*a sparkling clean herione enters the brighly lit hallway* Ah, now I feel refreshed. I never knew that Tribbles could be used as sponges before.
*minion two* I feel violated.
*deep voiced minion three* Lucky Tribble.
Huh? What was that?
*suddenly high squeak voiced minion three* Nothing! *batting unusually long eyelashes in innocence*
*gives minion three a questioning look* You look pretty flat chested for a well-endowed virgin....*poking chest (think the first episode of Ranma)*
*minion three* *sweatdrop, uneasy grin and voice cracking* Well, some of us are just better off than others, I guess. *shrugs shoulders*
*looking at hand mirror which appeared from no where* Ah, that is true, isn't.
*dropping the mirror to focus* Here take this. *hands minion two a jar*
*minion two* What's this for, ma'am?
There's chocolate at the bottom. Get it out for me.
*minion two begins to try numerous techniques (including throwing, smashing, cursing, and the most feared JAWS-of-death-which-leads-to-broken-teeth) to break open the jar, the smell of chocolate driving her on.*
*the stamping of many feet can be heard approaching fast in the distance before a cry is heard* THERE THEY ARE!!
*high squeaky voiced minion three* It's the psychotic lesbian sadists!
*minion one* We're all going to be converted! Yea!
*one of the PLS breaks rank and runs full tilt at the herione. The heroine punches the PLS before an attack could be made, but it was at a price....*
*a blood curdling scream* MY NAIL!! OH, you're gonna pay for that!
*herione grabs nearest object which happens to be the jar with chocolate and flings it at the troop of psychotic lesbian sadists. It knocks out one before landing into the hands of a comrade. All the PLSs' nostrils flare for a moment, turn wide eyed to the jar then begin fighting among themselves for possession of it. For audiences under the age of 18, please do not go visual.*
*heroine and minions stand in shock*
*scratching head* Well....anyways. Come on, minions! Forward!
*The EOE peers down at the "heroine" through a pair of binoculars* Curses! She seems to be immune to the purr and cuteness of the dreaded tribble. Well, there are other things in store. MUAHAHAHAHA! Ah, I feel better now. A little mayhem and a few drowned puppies then I'll be great for another hour. *noticing minion* What is it that you have there?
*minion two* A tribble boss.
*inspecting the tribble* Strange, I've never seen one so sticky. *coming out of pondering* Go tell the lesbians that there will be no chocolate nor wild orgies unless they stop fighting over the chocolate bar. Have them hang back for a while.
*minion two* Yes Boss!
*peering through binoculars again* Hmm, they have reached the pits. She's a smart one! Sending her minions ahead of Whoops! There goes the first one! That would be the hair spray... she's climbing out now... definitely hair spray. Ah! it is stiffening, causing her to get just a little TOO close to that torch... WOO WOO! Fireball! Hah! that knocked several more into pits. Hey, there's one that found the hot pepper extract. Wow, she's rolling in the pain. That stuff really stings. *shouting* FEEL THE BURN, BABY, FEEL THE BURN! *peering again* Too bad she didn't swallow any whoops! that one did! *giggling inanely* Minion!
*minion four* Yes boss?
*The EOE pushes a button. A small explosion shakes the castle. The sound of stones dropping can be heard.* Are the vats hot?
*minion four* They are getting to temperature now sir!
Good good. How are all the guards doing?
*minion four* They've eaten their fill.
Have them start sparing -- get the blood moving. Prepare the ventilation fans and The Cleaners.
*minion four, shivering* T-t-the Cleaners?
Yes, yes, move along.
*minion four* B-b-b-but boss! I don't want to!
*The EOE peers at minion four evilly, then makes a decision. His features soften into a rather friendly appearance* Very well, then. You *pointing at minion five* go take care of all that!
*minion five salutes at rushes off*
Instead of all that, why don't you just take a break. Head down to the kitchen and tell the cook you are ready for dinner.
*minion four, hungrilly* Yessir!
** minion four becomes dinner **
*sighing while heading down the stairs* It's hard to find good help.
Are you guys done yet? *Heroine sitting back in a lawn chair, sighing while filing her nails*
*minion three who's eyes are still watering from pepper extract* Yes, ma'am.
Good. *Heroine looks up. EOE is standing twenty feet from heroine's party on a ladder looking through the binoculars. Of which he lowers to reveal two dark circles around his eyes marking perfect outlines.* Damn, they say evil has an ugly face, *EOE turns around to snap at minion* but they never said anything about the cute butt.
*As the heroine ogles the enemy, the minions start to transform into sub-human beings with thought. AKA, author procrastinating the inevitable.*
*minion one* You know, I thought you said we would die.
*minion two* I did.
*minion one looks doubtful* So far I've been electrocuted, fried by a hairspray torch from my head, almost attacked by psychotic lesbian sadists *minion one sighs briefly in regret* and had my well-endowed virgin body rubbed by something that purred cutely then multiplied. *shudder* And so far we're both still alive.
*minion two with a sly smile* Look I'll make you a bet. If we live, I owe you $20. If we die, you owe me $20.
*minion one* You've gotta bet!
*minion two* I'm glad we could come to an agreement. *begins to laugh* Ha, you idiot you just made a bet you can't possibly...*blinks for a second* Doh!
Hey! Are you two done having the spotlight? This is about me and my plight, damn it!
*minions quickly lose conscious thought and become glassy eyed with mouths slightly gaped open*
That's better. *sniffing air* What's that smell?
*minion four* Dimethyl benzyl ammonium chlorides, clove, inert ingredients and just a pinch of basil.
*heroine snaps head to minion four who seems to be comatose like every good minion* Well, then, what does this mean?
*minion one* Is it The Cleaners?
*minion two* If it is, what are we going to do?
*minion one* We could try to distract them.
*minion two* With what?
Are you two thinking again without permission?
*minion one and two* Opps, sorry ma'am. *drooling once more*
Clove and basil? That's sounds like food. *Heroine takes another whiff of the air* Hmmm...food. *Heroine begins to drift towards the tempting smells forgetting the EOE and any immediate danger, after all, she has her priorities.*
*EOE enters the room and walks to a wall, then flicks a cord down. A section of wall rises into the ceiling, providing a good view of the dining hall. He sits down at his own chair, a wide aray of dishes on the table before him. Taking a chicken leg, he nibbles a bit.* Letsee, they should be walking in shortly. *to minion* Get to the door and await the signal.
*minion five* Yes boss. *minion five leaves*
Letsee, they should be here in five... four... three... two... *heroine enters chamber below, nose first, with smoking and cringing minions in tow* one.. uhh... Wow, she's hungrier than I thought. Hmm? She's passing up the numerous leftovers and scraps the guards left... Impressive! I've never seen anyone create handholds in granite barehanded before.
*waits for heroine to scale the wall into the alcove while her minions greedily consumes food and especially leftover drinks*
Welcome, dear guest! It seems you are a little late for general dining but... Umm... there is a chair, you don't have to sit on the table. No that's my plate *backing away from growling* OK, if you insist, but you really shouldn't... Very well, make yourself at home. *EOE sneaks a plate of food away, occasionally defending it with a cattle prod. ZOT!* Wow, I've never seen anyone eat that much that fast. Oh, that reminds me...
*EOE turns to shout out the opening* Oh, minion!
*A wall of the dining area drops down, revealing the minion and allof the guards behind.* Yea, Boss?
That was the signal.
*Hundreds of topless sweaty guards, in the middle of "buffing up" slowly turn and look at the room full of virgins, all who have been eating the same aphrodesiac food that courses through the guards' veins at this very moment. The guards eyes go wide, tongues roll down to clean the floor, and heavy panting ensues, pushing aphrodesiac-sweat laidened air into the mess hall. <<<SEGMENT CLIPPED BY CENSORS.>>>*
Wow... that's... There's about five too many hands in that bunch. *noticing heroine* Oh, by the way, the cook doesn't put aphrodesiac in my food. He poisons it a little more each day. I've built up quite an imunity at this point. Still keep a vial of antidote around here... somewhere...
*Heroine breaks out into very morally reprehensible laughter. So evil and loud that even the hormone crazed minions and guards in the hall stop in their debauchery at its sound. The EOE sweatdrops.*
Please, like the cook's taste for extra spice has ever affected me.
*minion one who reluctantly crawls out of a pile of bodies* Wha...? You mean, you've eaten here before?
*minion two who pushes aside a leg to be seen* So there was an easier way to get in here?
No, not really.
*minion one* But you could have gotten here on your own?
*herione laughs* Oh, easily.
*minion one* So you were using us well-endowed virgins?
*Heroine stretches back in chair still nibbling on dinner.* Yes.
*minion one* But that's just, that's just....
Deceptive? Dishonest? Deceitful? Perhaps even evil?
*minions in unison* YES!
Well, what do you expect of the Evil One Extraordinare's wife?
*The dining hall becomes VERY, VERY quiet.*
*minion one* Why? Why all this? Why break in?
*heroine smiles and leans back to lovingly caress her husband's cheek, wiping away the remaining black makeup which was left by the binoculars. EOE gets VERY nervous but does not stop her.* I think my husband has the answer to that. Because if he doesn't, he's going to be very, very sorry. Right, darling?
*EOE takes two quick breaths, composing himself, before sticking his tongue out at the 'heroine' and giving her a truly mischevous evil grin.* Dear, we shall have to continue some of that in more private quarters. Perhaps with, oh, that one and that one. *EOE points to two minions who start to look VERY nervous.* Perhaps I should let you beat the answers out of me? *Heroine gets an exceptionally big grin as the EOE stands up, walks close to her, picks her up so he can slide in behind her, then unceremoniously drops her infront of him such that she lands square on her blistered behind.* You are SO cute when you yelp and coo at the same time.
*minion five clears his throat* Umm... Boss? Are we going to get an answer or do we need to make way for the censors?
*minion five flies back as a result of an impact with a flying platter*
Nice shot Dear! Your aim was a little high, though. By the looks of things, he's already fathered six children. Now... where was I?
*former virgin waves a pair of singed panties hanging from her big toe, her voice garbled from the bottom of a pile* You were about to tell us why you used us?
*EOE shouts over his shoulder* Cook!
*minion cook, egor-like* Y-y-yes Boss?
*minion cook hands EOE a well worn notebook* Right h-h-her-r-r-re.
*EOE starts flipping through the notebook* Children... grandchildren... subordinates... heros... dungeons... ah! revealing the master plan! Hmm... good, the plan having been acomplished I can now reveal my plan without fear of the hero, *nodding to EOE's wife, who seems to be happily bouncing herself on her blistered bottom* coming up with something ingenious while the plan is being revealed.
*EOE clears his throat* There are many reasons, of course. When was the last time you heard an evil high priest call for a prostitute for a sacrifice? Virgins just became impossible to find. There is, obviously,the demoralization due to the failure of the uprising, limiting the chances of a real uprising from occuring. Dear's own sado-masacistic nature, not to mention mine. BUT! the reason, the real reason that we planed and put you all through this is...
*The doors burst open as the psychotic lesbians fly in and stop dead just inside the doorway. Their expressions range from pissed, flabergasted, drooling, sweatdropping, and two seconds off of crying.* WE MISSED IT!
*The 'heroine's eyes narrow in annoyance.* I never understood your fascination with those psychotic lesbian sadists.
*EOE smiles slightly at comment then begins to nibble his wife's neck in a form of apology which, given the instant purring sound, seems to work well.*
Hmmm...OK, OK, I forgive you, as long as you don't stop. *She looks over the two minions the EOE pointed out for later entertainment, both of which step back a couple of paces at her glance. At least you have some taste.
*the rest of the minions start tapping their feet in impatience So are you going to tell us or is this going to become a lemon?
*'Heroine' blinks* You mean it's not, yet? Hmm...we may have to fix that. But first the reason why. *'Heroine' nuzzles a little closer to EOE.* Since my husband is busy, I guess I have to do the explaining.
*Minions hold breath.*
*tapping finger to lips* I do believe it's because my dear husband forgot to get milk.
*Slacked jaw confusion of all* WHAAA...?
*Shrugging* Well, you must have milk to have cereal and cereal is a staple of life. And since my love here, *softly elbowing the EOE. Enough to make him grunt in pain but not hard enough so that he'd have to stop administrations to her neck.*, was a bit forgetful, I had to go get a gallon. *Pulling out a gallon of milk from that mystery space which holds mallets of womanly scorn.*
*Minion one* I still don't get it. You have minions all over the place to get groceries, why not send one of them?
Oh, that's because of the bet.
*Minion two* The bet?
Didn't mention that?
*several minions shoot themselves to end the suspense*
*As the 'heroine' starts to explain The Bet, she stops in mid-sentence in a frozen state. The EOE picks up the goblet she was washing down food with, swirls it a little and sniffs.* So that's where I left that paralyzation potion! *Turning to the 'heroine'* *tsk tsk tsk* I really should be more careful, dear.
*EOE sets his wife in a more comfortable pose.* Well, I suppose I shall merely have to check the score on our little bet myself. Hmm... *chucks the scorecard into the fireplace where it burns down to ashes* Seems Iwin! Oh, and as for the psychotic lesbian sadists, well, I just so enjoy watching someone who puts it all into their work, don't you? Yes, of course you do. Well, *EOE hoists his wife onto his shoulders and holds onto her legs to keep her there* we should best be getting on with other things.
*guard* Uhh... Boss?
*guard* What bet?
*EOE turns around looks over confused* The bet... hmm... you know I really don't remember. Doesn't matter anyway. Seems I won!
*minion five whispers to EOE* Uhh... you didn't win.
Course I did. Check the score card yourself.
*minion five* but you burned it.
Did I? Well, I guess you'll just have to take my word for it.
*minion five* But... but... you cheated!
No I didn't. Would I do a thing like that? Oh, and by the way, report to the cook for new duties.
*minion five* Uh, no Boss!
*EOE pauses and considers this minion carefully* You seem to be of extraordinary capability. Therefore I shall promote you to Minion First Class.
*minion five, looking especially pleased* Yes Boss!
Good enthusiasm, that's what I like. Just report to the Cook; he'll take care of all the arrangements.
*minion five salutes* Yes Boss! *minion five skips away*
*minion five becomes breakfast*
*EOE sighs* One of these days they will create a better class of minions. Well, *hiking the 'heroine' up a little higher* we're off. Be careful of that *THUD* beam, Dear. Oh, and that one *SMACK*. *voice fading* Next time, I get to see how many can be merely tortured and you see how many can be killed. Oh, duck! *CRACK* Sorry about that, Dear.
*former virgin* That's it then?
*guard* Guess so.
*psychotic lesbian sadist, inspecting her whip carefully* Not if WE have anything to say about it!
*A man in robes sticks his head in the door.* Someone call for a minister?