Internet Travel Tips My Travel Humor

You know you're arriving late when...	The FedEx planes have departed
	The hotel shuttle buses have stopped running
	The arrival monitors only show your flight and the departure monitors are blank or show departures at 6:15AM
	The concession stands are closed but tomorrow's newspapers have been dropped off
	You are the only passenger on the rental car shuttle bus
	The only folks at the airport are the cleaning crews with vacuum cleaners
	You have seen the moon on both coasts in the same day
You know you're traveling too much when...	You see the same flight attendant twice in the same day on different flights.
	You go to the movie theater, sit down and reach for the seat belts. The theater seats have more room.
	You see airport codes in car license plates (i.e. BNA = Nashville, MCO = Orlando).
	You hear a syndicated radio show in New York, fly west and listen to the same show hours later because it's tape delayed
	The flight attendants recognize you & know your name
	Your frequent flyer statement is two pages long
	You call the waitress at the restaurant a flight attendant
	You don't mind riding coach to Europe because it's a short flight
	You rent 3 cars on the same day in different cities
	All of your pens & notepads at home have different hotel names on them
	You get frustrated when on an escalator in the department store when others don't move to the 'stand' side so you can pass.
Great Airline Lies & Oxymorons...	Short hold for a gate
	Short air traffic control hold
	Airline food
	Slight delay
	Short wait for a mechanic or part
	Brief holding pattern
	Light turbulence
	Valid connection
	Momentary re-boarding
	Did you ever try to use the bathroom on a bus?
Bob's Truths...	The credit card statement will arrive before the frequent flyer statement
	Why can airplanes be late and passengers can not?
	How do they fit all those people in the waiting area into that plane?
	If you don't like the first answer, ask someone else
	The shorter the flight or the tighter the connection, the farther away the gate
	I used to be a control freak and then I started to fly
Bob's Airport Truths...	Why does it take longer to check-in than to fly?
	When the flight information monitors show that 1/3 of the flights are canceled and 1/3 are delayed then they are lying about the other 1/3.
	The later in the evening your flight arrives or departs, the more distant the gate you're assigned (even though there are lots of empty gates closer)
	Small airports have good food
	Who invented those large toilet paper rolls?
	Did you ever try to find a power outlet for your computer in a gate area?
Bob's on the aircraft Truths...	Always open the salad dressing away from you
	Sitting beside the drink cart when the flight attendant is chopping the ice reminds me of being at a Gallagher concert
	You know it's a rough ride when there are white-caps in your coffee
	The person in the middle seat gets to use both arm rests
	There is nothing more crowded than a full commuter plane
	Seats should not be allowed to recline on daytime flights
	If airplanes were automobiles, most of the Northwest fleet would have historic vehicle license plates
Bob's Hotel Truths...	Don't stay at an airport hotel in an air freight hub
	There are no newly built Days Inns. They were all something else before.
	Dirty clothes weigh more and take more room than clean clothes.
	Never stay in a hotel which: calls itself "Historic" or nails the TV remote control or the radio/alarm clock to the table
Bob's Car Rental Truths...	Always turn the radio down before turning the key in a rental car
	Since when is a Ford Focus a 'mid-sized' car?
	You know it's a small town when you scan the radio dial and don't find a station
You know you are at a Small Airport when..	The crops grow within 100 feet of the runway
	Flight info is hand written on a white board
	Gate agent doesn't know where the destination is
	Car rental counter is closed when you arrive but the keys are left waiting on the counter
	You and the flight attendant are the only passengers
	Flight altitude is 1500 feet and flight time is 10 minutes
	Parking lot is $2/day and on the honor system
	Luggage is hand searched, there are no metal detectors
	Pilot leaves the right engine running when you get on or off
	Only one runway is plowed for the winter
	The landing lights are kerosene smudge pots
	You go through a rain cloud and you get wet inside the plane
	The plane's radio uses Morse code
	There are more doors than passengers on the plane
	You volunteer to be bumped and they put you in a taxi to your destination
	The snowmobiles on the street keep you awake all night.
Actually heard	Arriving 10 minutes early in Indianapolis, the captain welcomed us on the PA and said: "for those who want to get their money's worth, you're welcome to stay on board for 10 more minutes."
Traveler's Toast	May you get a first class upgrade and have an empty seat beside you
	May you have an uneventful day traveling