The Cyberlounge's Official Survival Guide to Life's Crisis Situations

Useful Phrases to Know When Kidnapped by Arab Terrorists

AKBAR KHALI-KILI HAFTIR LOFTAN.

Thank you for showing me your marvelous gun.

FEKR GABUL GARDAN DAVAT PAEH GUSH DIVAR.

I am delighted to accept your kind invitation to lie down on the floor with my arms above my head and my legs apart.

SHOMAEH FEKR TAMOMEH OEH GOFTEH BANDE.

I agree with everything you have ever said or thought in your life.

AUTO ARRAREGH DAVATEMAN MANO SEPAHEH-HAST.

It is exceptionally kind of you to allow me to travel in the trunk of your car.

FASHAL-EH TUPEHMAN NA DEGAT MANO GOFTAM CHEESHAYEH MOHEMARA JEBEHKESHVAREHMAN.

If you will do me the kindness of not harming my genital appendages I will gladly reciprocate by betraying my country in public.

KHREL, JEPAHEH MANEH VA JAYEII AMRIKAHEY.

I will tell you the names and addresses of many American spies traveling as reporters.

BALLI, BALLI, BALLI!

Whatever you say!

MATERNIER GHERMEZ AHLIEH, GHORBAN.

The red blindfold would be lovely, your excellency.

TIKEH NUNEH BA OB KHRELLEH BEZORG VA KHRUBE BOYAST INO BEGERAM.

The water-soaked bread crumbs are delicious, thank you. I must have the recipe.

The Military Assault Hotline

Thank you for calling the 1st Infantry Division's automated artillery support request line.
This line may be monitored for quality purposes.
Please be assured that we will attempt to assist you with all available resources in the shortest time possible.
All calls will be processed in the order they were received.
You can return to the main menu at any time by pressing the star key.
For air support, please call the U.S. Air Force at 1-800-BOMBNOW.
If you are attacking a fixed enemy position, please press 1.
If you are defending a fixed position, please press 2.
If you are engaged in mobile defense, please press 3.
If you are setting up a hasty defense or are about to be overrun, please press 4.
If you wish to cancel a prior fire mission request, please press 5.
[Beep]
You have selected engaged in mobile defense. If correct, press 1. If incorrect, press pound.
[Beep]
Please select the type of fire mission you would like.
If you would like 81mm mortars, please press 1.
If you would like 105mm howitzers, please press 2.
If you would like advanced munitions, such as fuel-oil explosives or scattering mines, please press 3 to speak with one of our soldier advocates.
If you would like to request the use of chemical or nuclear weapons, please press 4 and hold the line. The Secretary of Defense will speak with you as soon as possible.
[Beep]
You have selected 105mm howitzers. If correct, press 1. If incorrect, press pound.
[Beep]
Enter the map coordinate of the target you would like to strike, followed by the pound sign. Please remember to verify your coordinates and remember that your request may take several minutes to process.
[Beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-beep]
You have entered map co-ordinate 323, 451. If this is correct, please press 1.
Thank you. Please enter your battalion passcode, followed by the pound sign. As soon as we verify your passcode, we will begin processing your request. If you have forgotten your passcode, please contact 1-800-WE-FUBAR. Please enter your passcode now.
[Beep-beep-beep-beep-beep]
Thank you. [Pause]
Your passcode has been verified and your request will be processed.
Thank you for using the 1st Infantry Division's artillery request support line.

The Psychiatric Hotline

Hello, and welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline ...

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are a co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid-schizophrenic, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.

If you are psychotic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware that the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and about to bite off your ear.

If you are suicidal, please hold for the next available operator. Your call will be answered in the order it was received. Please do not hang up and re-dial, as this will only delay the processing of your call. Currently, you are number 381; estimated wait time is three hours, twenty minutes. If you prefer to change your psychiatric affliction, press zero at any time to return to the main menu ..."

Back to PNB New York's Cyberlounge

This page, created by: pereyes@ix.netcom.com, has been accessed