The Cyberlounge Collection
of English Language Gems II

Signs Seen in Great Britain and Elsewhere

IN A LAUNDROMAT:

Automatic washing machines. Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.

IN A LONDON DEPARTMENT STORE:

Bargain Basement Upstairs.

IN AN OFFICE:

Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday kindly bring it back or further steps will be taken.

IN ANOTHER OFFICE:

After the tea break, staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board.

ON A CHURCH DOOR:

This is the gate of Heaven. Enter ye all by this door. (This door is kept locked because of the draft. Please use side entrance).

OUTSIDE A SECOND-HAND SHOP:

We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain.

QUICKSAND WARNING:

Quicksand. Any person passing this point will be drowned. By order of the District Council.

NOTICE IN A DRY CLEANER'S WINDOW:

Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of.

IN A HEALTH FOOD SHOP WINDOW:

Closed due to illness.

SPOTTED IN A SAFARI PARK:

Elephants Please Stay In Your Car.

SEEN DURING A CONFERENCE:

For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on the first floor.

NOTICE IN A FIELD:

The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges.

MESSAGE ON A LEAFLET:

If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons.

ON A REPAIR SHOP DOOR:

We can repair anything (Please knock hard on the door - the bell doesn't work).

SPOTTED IN A TOILET IN A LONDON OFFICE BLOCK:

Toilet out of order. Please use floor below.

On a blanket from taiwan:

NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO

on a helmet mounted mirror used by us cyclists:

REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU

on a korean kitchen knife:

KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN

on an indonesian packet of nuts:

OPEN PACKET AND EAT CONTENTS

on a pack of sainsbury's (uk) salted peanuts:

WARNING: CONTAINS NUTS

on a taiwanese shampoo:

USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE

on a marks and spencer's (uk) bread and butter pudding:

WARNING: PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING

on the bottle-top of a flavoured milk drink:

AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT

on an aussie iron:

WARNING: NEVER IRON CLOTHES ON THE BODY.

On a new zealand insect spray:

THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.

In an american guide to setting up a new computer:

TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING. (SENSIBLE, BUT THE INSTRUCTION WAS ON THE INSIDE OF THE BOX.)

On a japanese product used to relieve painful hemorrhoids:

LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO THE PROJECTED PORTION LIKE A SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL DUCT. WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR APPROXIMATELY 5 MINUTES, KEEP QUIET.

On sears hair dryer:

DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.

On a bag of fritos:

YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE.

On a bar of dial soap:

DIRECTIONS: USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP.

On some swann frozen dinners:

SERVING SUGGESTION: DEFROST.

On a hotel provided shower cap in a box:

FITS ONE HEAD.

On tesco's tiramisu dessert:

DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN. (PRINTED ON BOTTOM OF THE BOX)

on boot's children's cough medicine:

DO NOT DRIVE CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY.

On nytol sleep aid:

WARNING: MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS.

On a string of chinese-made christmas lights:

FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY.

On a japanese food processor:

NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE.

On a child's superman costume:

WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY.

On a swedish chain saw:

DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS.

Actual Notations Written on Hospital Charts

She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.

The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.

Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

The patient refused autopsy.

The patient has no previous history of suicides.

Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

She is numb from her toes down.

While in ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

The skin was moist and dry.

Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

Patient was alert and unresponsive.

Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodating.

Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.

Skin: somewhat pale but present.

The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Brown, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

Patient's left eye was brown and wandering.

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