The Cyberlounge Collection of English Language Gems

Beyond the shores of the United Kingdom,
the English language has evolved into varied and oftentimes charmingly humorous versions.
Following are but a few of the many samples of such versions discovered around the globe.

"English" Notices Encountered Around the World

In a Tokyo Hotel

Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such thing is please not to read notis.

In a Bucharest hotel lobby

The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.

In a Leipzig elevator

Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.

In a Belgrade hotel elevator

To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.

In a Paris hotel elevator

Please leave your values at the front desk.

In a hotel in Athens

Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.

In a Yugoslavian hotel

The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.

In a Japanese hotel

You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery

You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.

From the Soviet Weekly

There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.

In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers

Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant

Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

On the menu of a Polish hotel

Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop

Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

In a Bangkok dry cleaner's

Drop your trousers here for best results.

Outside a Paris dress shop

Dresses for street walking.

In a Rhodes tailor shop

Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.

A sign posted in Germany's Black forest

It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.

In a Zurich hotel

Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.

In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist

Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.

In a Rome laundry

Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency

Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no miscarriages.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand

Would you like to ride on your own ass?

In a Swiss mountain inn

Special today -- no ice cream.

In a Bangkok temple

It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.

In a Tokyo bar

Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office

We take your bags and send them in all directions.

On the door of a Moscow hotel room

If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge

Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

In a Budapest zoo

Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

In a doctor's office in Rome

Specialist in women and other diseases.

In an Acapulco hotel

The manager has personally passed all the water served here.

In a Hong Kong supermarket

For your convenience, we recommend courteous, efficient self-service.

From an East African newspaper

A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers.

In a Vienna hotel

In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter.

On the faucet in a Finnish washroom

To stop the drip, turn cock to right.

Written reply to accomodation request:

"I am honorable to accept your impossible request. Unhappy it is here have not bedroom with bath. Bathroom with bed I have. Do not concern yourself that I am not too good in bath, I am superb in bed."

On the window of a Swedish furrier

Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin.

On the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong

Guaranteed to work throughout its useful life.

Detour sign in Kyushu, Japan

Stop: Drive Sideways.

In a Tokyo shop

Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run.

From a Japanese information booklet on using the hotel air conditioner

Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.

From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo

When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance

English well talking.

Here speeching American.

Rules For Hotel Guests

Encountered in various hotels around the world

Please treat our chambermaids as if they were your own sisters.

No shooting will be permitted in the rooms. If the bed bugs annoy you, cut their heads off.

Don't use the gas for committing suicide. A rope is provided for that purpose.

Please do not stick hatpins through keyholes. A man lost his eye that way last year.

Divorcees will leave pictures of ex-husbands at the desk for identification. No more than six photographs permitted.

Guests are not permitted to invite their brothers to take baths in their rooms.

Guests occupying adjoining rooms will kindly call the house detective to act as chaperone if they wish to make social visits after 1:00 am.

It is strictly forbidden to use bed sheets as towels.

Guests who walk in their sleep should have their room numbers on cards in their pajamas.

Please don't forget the name under which you registered.

Guests are warned against playing strip poker on Monday. We test our fire-alarm bells on that day.

The following are actual signs seen across the U.S.A.

At a Santa Fe gas station

We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container.

In a New York restaurant

Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager.

On the wall of a Baltimore estate

Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. --Sisters of Mercy

On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners

38 years on the same spot.

In a Los Angeles dance hall

Good clean dancing every night but Sunday.

In a Florida maternity ward

No children allowed.

In a New York drugstore

We dispense with accuracy.

In the offices of a loan company

Ask about our plans for owning your home.

In a New York medical building

Mental Health Prevention Center

On a New York convalescent home

For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church.

On a Maine shop

Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship.

At a number of military bases

Restricted to unauthorized personnel.

On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards

Now available in multi-packs.

In the window of a Kentucky appliance store

Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work.

In a funeral parlor

Ask about our layaway plan.

In a clothing store

Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks.

In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store

15 men's wool suits, $10. They won't last an hour!

On a shopping mall marquee

Archery Tournament -- Ears pierced

Outside a country shop

We buy junk and sell antiques.

In the window of an Oregon store

Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?

In a Maine restaurant

Open 7 days a week and weekends.

On a radiator repair garage

Best place to take a leak.

In the vestry of a New England church

Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished.

In a Pennsylvania cemetery

Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves.

On a roller coaster

Watch your head.

On the grounds of a public school

No trespassing without permission.

On a Tennessee highway

When this sign is under water, this road is impassable.

Similarly, in front of a New Hampshire car wash

If you can't read this, it's time to wash your car.

Somewhere in England in an open field otherwise unspoiled by human presence

"Do not throw stones at this sign."

Accident Reports - What Little Mistakes in Grammar Can Do

The following quotes taken from the Toronto News, July 26, 1977, are actual statements from insurance forms
where car drivers tried to summarize accident details in as few words as possible.

Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.

The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intent.

I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.

In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.

I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.

I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.

I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.

My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.

As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no sign had ever appeared before, making me unable to avoid the accident.

I told the police I was not injured, but upon removing my hair, I found that I had a fractured skull.

I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.

I saw a slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.

The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

I was thrown from my car as it left the road, and was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.

A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my head through it.

To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.

The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran over him.

An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.

A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.

I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment.

Actual Announcements Taken From Church Bulletins

Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help.

Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

Wednesday, the ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing, "Put me in My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor.

Thursday at 5:00 P.M. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become little mothers, please see the minister in his study.

This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.

Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come foreward and do so.

The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Nelex Response Letters

Back in 1985, Femina magazine ran an advertisement for Nelex, a medicine for the treatment of the vaginal infection known as vaginitis. The ad prompted hundreds of letters from sufferers countrywide, most of them from women who were clearly unsure as to what exactly was wrong with them. The letters were collected by Win Kuppers, boss of the advertising agency that created the Femina ad and who swears that every single one of them is genuine. Herewith extracts from some of the most hilarious ...

My interesting language is English, so you better send me an English copy of your vaginitis.

Please send me the following symptoms: itching, discharge, unpleasant smell.

I am one of those with a virginal problem ...

I would be very grateful if my disease will be acceptable ...

Dear Sirs, greetings as a patient to you, but I haven't got enough time to express my sickness over this paper. I want to come by myself to confess my sickness to you after I use this Nelex ...

The trouble is my vaginitis and that I am ugly.

Naturally, I don't sleep around, so I don't know where I picked up this herpes ...

How can I get vaginal infections? Most chemists cannot help.

Is vaginitis normal, or does it occur by mistakes like having sex ...

My husband is not happy with the behaviour of my vagina at bed time.

Please send me more information about these vaginal erections ...

My symptoms are some of the ones you don't mention, so please send me another medicine.

Every boyfriend left me and makes another girl pregnant, so maybe you can help me ...

With modern life of anonymous infection, I have found your vaginal infections very handy and unavoidable.

I tried Dettol, Omo and also pure Brandy. All in vain ...

My problem is itching, burning pain after intercourse when the weather is cold or foggy.

I am a young lady of 1963. Will you please send me more news about my virginia ...

... pains during intercourse, even when I am not having intercourse at all ...

Please make the woman in your advert turn around and give me her address. Is she before or after Nelex use?

I used to have sex 8 to 10 times a day. Now I am very dry. I went to the hospital and they told me I have too much sex. Maybe I should move to Durban for the humidity ...

I am a girl of 21 years of edge. Can you help me with your virginal infections ...

Last night these vaginal infections suddenly attacked me. What do you want me to do ...

Please send me Nelex. I am so sick I will even pay for it.

My virginia is wide open, but I only slept with my husband alone, but he says I am a bitch, I slept with many men. Can you close my virginia again ...

I really want a baby, but I don't want to be pregnant ...

The first time I noticed my vaginal infection was in your advertisement.

So I want you to help me. So I am not a woman, but so what ...

Our town is too small for Nelex.

My vargin is beginning to irritate me. I scream at it sometimes, but it doesn't help.

Sometimes my anus produces an unpleasant smell.

Please send me back my letter so I remember what I have written.

Please advertise more so that I remember that I have an infection.

I stopped having sexual intercourse with my boyfriend, but he has not stopped with me.

My problem is that I feel itching even when my husband romances me with his erections.

Please send it quickly while I still have a boyfriend to pay for it.

I never told anybody about my symptoms. Now I see them publicly advertised.

I am 42 years old, but the infections started when I was older ...

My virgin is badly leaking. Does Nelex pessaries work like a cork?

When I was 13 I sprayed my vagina with Airoma room-freshener. Now I am 18 and I need your help...

Please send any good and large information to my suffering vagina.

According to symptoms advertised, I have discovered that four of them are taking place in my promised one. She urges me, so help me to help her.

My new address is (new address supplied) ... but please send your reply to my old address.

I therefore scribble this epistle about my vargin to you ...

Can I get a vaginal infection without prescription?

Nelex, the effective treatment, is it also effective in Zimbabwe?

My husband does not know where I live so we never have sex together.

I have never had sex, but I have this virginity problem ...

I am only a little bit pregnant, for safety's sake.

The bath water must have infected me, although I swear nobody bathed after me in the same water.

I have re-organised my vagina recently ...

It is easy to know when I have vaginitis, but how do I know when I have no vaginitis?

I went to a hospital, and even to a doctor, but I am still the same woman.

Actual Published Headlines

March Planned For Next August

Blind Bishop Appointed To See

Lingerie Shipment Hijacked--Thief Gives Police The Slip

L.A. Voters Approve Urban Renewal By Landslide

Patient At Death's Door--Doctors Pull Him Through

Latin Course To Be Canceled--No Interest Among Students, Et Al.

Diaper Market Bottoms Out

Croupiers On Strike--Management: "No Big Deal"

Stadium Air Conditioning Fails--Fans Protest

Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped

Henshaw Offers Rare Opportunity to Goose Hunters

Connie Tied, Nude Policeman Testifies

Women's Movement Called More Broad-Based

Antique Stripper to Display Wares at Store

Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

Split Rears in Farmers Movement

Child's Stool Great for Use in Garden

Idaho Group Organizes to Help Service Widows

Columnist Gets Urologist in Trouble With His Peers

Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again

Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

Lawyers Give Poor Free Legal Advice

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

Fund Set Up for Beating Victim's Kin

Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years

Never Withhold Herpes Infection From Loved One

Cancer Society Honors Marlboro Man

Nicaragua Sets Goal to Wipe Out Literacy

Autos Killing 110 a Day--Let's Resolve to Do Better

20-Year Friendship Ends at Altar

War Dims Hope For Peace

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last A While

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Half of U.S. High Schools Require Some Study for Graduation

Blind Woman Gets New Kidney from Dad She Hasn't Seen in Years

Man is Fatally Slain

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say

Death Causes Loneliness, Feelings of Isolation

Flaming Toilet Seat Causes Evacuation at High School

Defendants Speech Ends in Long Sentence

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

House Passes Gas Tax Onto Senate

Police Discover Crack in Australia

Stiff Opposition Expected to Casketless Funeral Plan

Many Antiques Seen at D.A.R. Meeting

William Kelly, 87, was Fed Secretary

Collegians are Turning to Vegetables

Scientists to Have Ford's Ear

Quarter of a Million Chinese Live on Water

Hershey Bars Protest

County Officials to Talk Rubbish

Carter Plans Swell Deficit

Caribbean Islands Drift to Left

Farmer Bill Dies in House

Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

A Hotel Guest Calls Room Service

Room Service: Morny. Rune-sore-bees.

Hotel Guest: Oh, sorry. I thought I dialed Room Service.

RS: Rye, rune-sore-bees. Morny. Djewish to odor sunteen?

HG: Uh... yes. I'd like some bacon and eggs.

RS: Ow July then?

HG: What?

RS: Aches. Ow July then? Pry, boy, pooch...?

HG: Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry. Scrambled please.

RS: Ow July thee baycome? Crease?

HG: Crisp will be fine.

RS: Okay. An Santos?

HG: What?

RS: Santos. July Santos?

HG: Ugh. I don't know... I don't think so.

RS: No. Judo one toes?

HG: Look, I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what "judo one toes" means. I'm sorry.

RS: Toes! Toes! Why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow cenglish mopping we bother?

HG: English muffin! I've got it! You were saying toast! Fine. An English muffin will be fine.

RS: We bother?

HG: No. Just put the bother on the side.

RS: Wad?

HG: I'm sorry. I meant butter. Butter on the side.

RS: Copy?

HG: I feel terrible about this but...

RS: Copy. Copy, tea, mill...

HG: Coffee! Yes, coffee please. And that's all.

RS: One Minnie. Ass rune torino fee, strangle aches, crease baycome, tossy cenglish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy. Rye?

HG: Whatever you say.

RS: Okay. Tendjewberrymud.

HG: You're welcome.

RULES FOR WRITING GOOD

Reprinted from: The Leaflet (Fall 1979),
the journal of the New England Association of Teachers of English,
identifying contentious issues in grammar, vocabulary, punctuation, and discourse

Every pronoun should agree with their antecedent.
People like you and I should have no problems with grammatical case.
Verbs in any essay has to agree with their subject.
It isn't good to be someone whom people realize confuse who and whom.
Nobody should never use double negatives.
A writer should not shift your point of view.
When writing, participles ought not to be dangled.
Join clauses good, like a good writer should.
Do not write run-on sentences, it is bad style.
Sentence fragments. Watch our for them.
In letters themes reports and the like use commas to separate items in a list.
If teachers have ever told you that you don't put a comma before that, they were right.
Its essential to use apostrophe's properly.
You shouldn't abbrev.
Always check to see if you have anything out.
Take care to never seriously and purposely split infinitives.
Never idly use a preposition to end a sentence with, because that is the kind of thing up with which no right-minded person will put.
In my own personal opinion I myself think that authors when they are writing should not persuade themselves that it is all right to use too many unnecessary words; the reason for this is because you should express yourself concisely.

So Why Not Standardize English?

Having chosen English as the preferred language in the EEC, the European Parliament has commissioned a feasability study in ways of improving efficiency in communications between Government departments.

European officials have often pointed out that English spelling is unnecessary difficult; for example: cough, plough, rough, through and thorough. What is clearly needed is a phased programme of changes to iron out these anomalies. The programme would, of course, be administered by a committee staff at top level by participating nations.

In the first year, for example, the committee would suggest using 's' instead of the soft 'c'. Sertainly, sivil servants in all sities would resieve this news with joy. Then the hard 'c' could be replaced by 'k' sinse both letters are pronounsed alike. Not only would this klear up konfusion in the minds of klerikal workers, but typewriters kould be made with one less letter.

There would be growing enthousiasm when in the sekond year, it was anounsed that the troublesome 'ph' would henseforth be written 'f'. This would make words like 'fotograf' twenty per sent shorter in print.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reash the stage where more komplikated shanges are possible. Governments would enkourage the removal of double letters which have always been a deterent to akurate speling.

We would al agre that the horible mes of silent 'e's in the languag is disgrasful. Therefor we kould drop thes and kontinu to read and writ as though nothing had hapend. By this tim it would be four years sins the skem began and peopl would be reseptive to steps sutsh as replasing 'th' by 'z'. Perhaps zen ze funktion of 'w' kould be taken on by 'v', vitsh is, after al, half a 'w'. Shortly after zis, ze unesesary 'o kould be dropd from words kontaining 'ou'. Similar arguments vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

Kontinuing zis proses yer after yer, ve vud eventuli hav a reli sensibl riten styl. After tventi yers zer vud be no mor trubls, difikultis and evrivun vud fin it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drems of the Guvermnt vud finali hav kum tru.

Back to PNB New York's Cyberlounge

This page accessed

times.
Page created by: pereyes@ix.netcom.com
Changes last made on: Sun Sep 22 14:37:16 1996