IRC Improvisational Smarm: On The Set One Day

Behind The Scenes At TS

Kitty, cat1, Merry, Kareila, Daenea, and Wanda

Some days, the role playing is pretty straight forward, and the smarm is what you wanted. Other days it's like herding cats. The following has been spell-checked to make reading easier for those who don't speak IRC.

(MadMerry) Take it away, Wanda!

(cat1) can you paste that, Wanda?

(Wanda) Murder scenes sucked, was the first thought that Blair had as he got out of the truck to follow Jim into yet another of those scenes. This had all the making of a really bad one. Blood was dripping down the wall, covering the furniture, soaking into the carpet. Blair didn't even want to look at the body, what was left of a once living, breathing woman. Closing his eyes, Blair reminded himself not to think of her like that, but it was so hard to do.

* MadMerry accepts graciously, with an insane gleam in her eyes.

(Dr_Dae) And whatever you do, use that potion sparingly, it's fraught with bad metaphors...

* Kareila thinks those plot devices are awfully sharp looking.

* cat1 tries not to drop one as she looks through them

* Spengs waits patiently for her cue to turn into something

(Dr_Dae) Oh...are we smarming or playing?

* cat1 wonders if Spengs is feeling director-ish

(Spengs) well, either or both

(Dr_Dae) We'd need a Jim & Blair if we were playing

(MadMerry) Smarming.

*** Wanda is now known as Blair

(Blair) hehehehe

(Dr_Dae) [G] And that was from Blairs POV:)

(MadMerry) Now you're not alphabetical

(MadMerry) (merry says in her best anal Jim voice)

(Dr_Dae) Did you say it stoically? Huh? Huh?

(MadMerry) VERY stoically.

(Dr_Dae) ohhhh!

* Dr_Dae shivers

(MadMerry) Just a hint of well-hidden emotion creeping into my eyes.

(Dr_Dae) [G]

(MadMerry) Okay, dead lady, keep going.

* Dr_Dae settles down, adjusting her gag

(Blair) Looking at Jim, he wished again that he could detach the way that Jim could. It would make scenes like this so much easier. But to do that he would have to change too much of the person that he was, and he would never do that

(Blair) pass

*** Spengs is now known as Director

(cat1) we can combine smarm and roleplay: you can pass and then when you get passed to, take on whichever role you like...

(Director) OK, we need to lower the angel spot for the introspection here

*** Blair is now known as Wanda

(MadMerry) Ho, is it my turn already?

(cat1) sure

* Director calls for the introspective music to play softly in the background

* MadMerry settles in.

*** cat1 is now known as Producer

*** Dr_Dae is now known as Audience

*** Kareila is now known as BestBoy

* Audience looks around expectantly

* Director strides up and down, idly smacking her leg with the riding crop

* Producer makes sure the explosion effects are all stocked up

(Audience) Well, where's the show?

(MadMerry) "Hey, Jim," Blair said, in a voice only a Sentinel could hear. "I'm just going to...wait over here, okay?" He indicated a quiet corner of the room that seemed to have a little less blood on it than the rest.

* Producer tells director TPTB demand one explosion every 15 min or so

(Producer) what can I blow up? :)

* Director demands to see the idiot who came up with that idea, as it totally clashes with her Vision of this episode

(Audience) about that censor over there?

(MadMerry) From across the room, Jim glanced up from conversation with Simon and nodded in Blair's direction, his blue eyes losing their cool detachment for just a moment as they focused on his Guide.

* Director refuses to acknowledge the existence of the censor

*** BestBoy is now known as Censor

* Producer points at the UPN guys with all the money...

(Audience) awww

(Audience) Ekkk!

* Censor eyes the script, looking for any illicit hugging scenes.

* MadMerry also refuses to acknowledge the presence of a censor.

(Audience) A censor!

*** Audience is now known as Dr_Dae

* Producer snatches the script away from the Censor

* Dr_Dae glares at her one true enemy

(Producer) umm, I need to add another explosion, let me have that

* Director snatches script from the Producer

* Censor reaches into her pocket for her secret weapon

(Director) You do not! You'll ruin the symmetry

* Dr_Dae reaches for her dart gun

* Producer lets director have it, knowing only smarmy things will happen to it in her hands

(MadMerry) Blair found a smile in himself in spite of the horror of the scene before him. Jim's concern was so transparent in spite of the stoic mask he showed the rest of the world.

* Dr_Dae takes aim at the censor

* Censor pulls out a.....

(Censor) red pen!

(Producer) lol!

(Dr_Dae) Stoic! /me giggles

(Dr_Dae) Ekkkk

* Director waves Jim onward, calling for more softness about the eyes

* Producer puts a hand on the light guys' shoulder and encourages that

* Dr_Dae fires her dart gun....Damn! Missed!

*** Wanda sets mode: -o Censor

* Wanda takes power from Censor

(Dr_Dae) LOL

(Dr_Dae) You go Wanda but um...we're displacing on Kar :)

* Censor eyes madMerry, who is writing good smarm in the midst of all of this.

* Producer ducks something that went zinging over her head...

*** Dr_Dae is now known as UPN_CEOs

* Director demands to know who has been calling for actions on HER set

*** UPN_CEOs sets mode: +o Censor

* Censor hunkers down, but finds it difficult to bend being such a stiff.

* UPN_CEOs gives power back to the censors


* Producer is not too proud to beg the UPN CEO's

(Producer) see, sirs, we need smarm to balance out the explosion, provide the human element

* Director howls in anger at stupid PTB and considers storming off the set in a fit of pique

(Producer) the explosions have more impact if you worry about the people who might get hit...

*** Censor is now known as TPTB

(MadMerry) When Jim turned his attention back to the investigation, Blair let his eyes wander, reluctantly, over the blood-spattered walls. He shivered, amazed and sickened as always at the depth of human perversion that could produce such a crime.

(Wanda) Power to the People man!!!!!!!

* UPN_CEOs have the $ for your shows...

(MadMerry) That was when he saw it.

* Producer is distracted by Merry's nice smarm and just watches, sighing

(UPN_CEOs) Hmph!

(TPTB) So, we have this time slot, Wednesdays at 8, and we did a test run of some beach going cops that did all right there...

*** UPN_CEOs is now known as Dr_Dae

(TPTB) You know, bikinis, big-breasted women...

(TPTB) Like baywatch only with cops.

(Wanda) LOL

(MadMerry) No one else seemed to have noticed, but there was a pattern to the marks on the wall. Subtle, but unmistakable to one with Blair's training.

(MadMerry) pass

* Producer says we include big-breasted women every week, we just like to make them evil, so they do double duty as villians...

* Dr_Dae concocts an especially nasty concoction for TPTB

(MadMerry) Oh, you guys are a tough crowd!

(Dr_Dae) Ohhh! Merry- that's great!

(Dr_Dae) I'll catch

(Producer) go Dae!

(TPTB) It was great, Merry. We can't help ourselves.

* TPTB does the Blair whine

* Director calls for sinister music and a chiascuro of light across the blood-spattered wall

* MadMerry giggles.

(Producer) oooh

(MadMerry) It's so hard to smarm when you're laughing hysterically....

*** TPTB is now known as StuntDbl

* Producer pulls his best sound guy and makes it happen

* Producer waits for Dae's next chapter...

* Director waves the riding crop and yells "Action!"

* Producer thinks the Director is just a little too attached to that crop of hers

(Dr_Dae) Blair stepped back, but this time out of curiosity rather than revulsion. The blood faded in importance next to the image they created.

(Dr_Dae) "Oh man, this is bad."

(Dr_Dae) Blair swallowed, glancing at Jim while trying to control his emotions.

* Director nods. Good, good, work that failing control....

(Dr_Dae) Jim met his gaze, sensing the change in his Guide.

* StuntDbl pouts and wonders when there will be some explosions.

(Dr_Dae) A gentle hand touched Blair's arm, diverting his attention from the wall he was again contemplating, "Chief, you need to step outside?"

(Producer) are you the Blair or Jim stunt double?

(StuntDbl) I got a buzzcut and a wig, I can be whoever you want me to be.

(Dr_Dae) "No, Jim. No. Look, man, the woman... What did he do to her?"

* StuntDbl is 6' tall, but will crouch to play Blair.

(Producer) ok, I can guarantee someone will get it, so just stand over there...

(Dr_Dae) "It, it was bad, Chief."

(Producer) we'll call you :)

* MadMerry prepares a few cubes of C-4 for her next turn.

(Dr_Dae) "She, she was alive when he made the incisions, wasn't she? Alive when he cut out her heart, following with her-" Blair broke off, closing his eyes.

* Producer pats MadMerry on the back and thinks "this one will get paid"

(Producer) *shudder*

(Dr_Dae) "Blair?" Jim stepped closer to his Guide

* StuntDbl is disgusted with all the angst and deep introspection, and takes a trip to the head, mumbling about his union.

* MadMerry beams happly under the praise of the Producer.

* Producer beams happily thinking about the praise of TPTB

* Director yells "Keep rolling, dammit!"

(Producer) and see, we sneak the smarm in under cover of the's an old trick...

(Director) And get the second unit over to the explosion site, we're going to need some filler before we cut to commercial

(Dr_Dae) Blair looked up, his eyes lost until they meet Jim's. "It's bad, man, you're right. But it will only get worse. It's a long celebration, Jim, and demands for blood will only grow as the dark of the moon appraoches."

(MadMerry) Eeek.

(Producer) yow

(MadMerry) Ick, Dae. Ick.

(Dr_Dae) "It will only get worse," Blair repeated, leaning into Jim.

(Dr_Dae) Pass

* Dr_Dae bows dramatically :P

* StuntDbl claps as he comes out of the bathroom

* Director phones up Set Painting & Models and tells them to have the sliver of moon effect ready fast

* MadMerry pats Dr. Dae on the back, in classic buddy-show style.

(Dr_Dae) Next time I'll include metaphors... :)

* Producer offers to catch the pass

*** StuntDbl is now known as KeyGrip

(MadMerry) Not with that Nick. Gotta be somebody else.

(MadMerry) You gotta be....EvilKat.

(Producer) hehe

(Dr_Dae) Not quite though there are correlations

* KeyGrip eyes Blair

*** Producer is now known as EvilKat

* Director tells Key Grip to start lighting the sacrificial altar scene

(Dr_Dae) Oops! Wrong window!

* Director smacks Dr_Dae with the riding crop

(Dr_Dae) Well, hey if you all inspire me to work on Thine Is...

(EvilKat) Jim was surprised at Blair's vehemence, and a little startled by the way his Guide leaned against him, seeming to seek support.

(KeyGrip) Ooo, inspire her!

* Director instructs KeyGrip to stop mooning over Thine Is and get a spot on that leaning to emphasize the colors

(EvilKat) He put a firm arm around Blair's shoulders and said, "Come on, let's talk out here."

(Director) Film Loaders, reset for exteriors!

* KeyGrip saunters over casually and spots Blair

(EvilKat) Blair nodded, not looking up. JIm kept a hand on him, guiding him out of the room and onto the back proch of the rickety old mansion. There was only moonlight, this house was far away form anywhere.

(MadMerry) Hey, get those Typo Fae off-frame!!

(Director) What? I'm the Director on *this* set! Now get me a cherry danish and some espresso!

(EvilKat) Blair sat down on the steps, taking a deep breath. Jim sat down beside him, worried as he felt Blair's shoulders shaking.

(Director) Grip! Subtle diffuse spot, hint of silver in the moon to highlight Blair's hair

(EvilKat) That wasn't like Blair at all. The kid had dealt with a body that had been gone over with a belt sander. Jim knew Blair had his limits, but this was odd.

* KeyGrip is so busy drooling at Blair that she misses her cue.

* Director froths at the mouth at losing the hair-highlighting and stalks off the set

(Director) This set unfair to smarmers!

*** Director is now known as OnStrike

(EvilKat) Blair soft hair shone in the weak light; he still had his head bent, not looking at Jim. Jim touched it, lightly, let his hand settle again on Blair's shoulder, slim but muscled thorugh the thin fabric of his T-shirt.

(EvilKat) "Tell me about it."

(EvilKat) (pass)

(KeyGrip) Hmmmm.....

* OnStrike pause in their picketing to admire the scene and consider reconciliation

* KeyGrip gets a grip and turns the soft spot on Blair

(KeyGrip) Whose turn?

*** MadMerry is now known as Garrett

(Garrett) Hey, I thought you said there were going to be LIVE babes in this one.

(Dr_Dae) (G)

* OnStrike yells from the picket line, "That's ONE R!"

(EvilKat) lol!

*** Dr_Dae is now known as BOTW

*** Garrett is now known as Garett

* BOTW bats her eyes...

(KeyGrip) Hahaha

*** EvilKat is now known as Producer

* Garett grabs BOTW and sweeps her off her feet.

* BOTW tosses back some of her recently dyed red hair...

* BOTW swoons

* Producer tries to separate Garett from the BOTW

(OnStrike) Unfair! Unfair! Unfair! We shall over-cooooooome....

* BOTW refuses to let go

* Garett whispers softly to BOTW, "Sorry, sweets, but I'm only allowed one night stands."

* BOTW clicks her handcuffs into place and eats the key

(Producer) Umm, Garett, you're in this scene and she isn't. We need you over here....

* Garett sighs.

(BOTW) One night at a time then...

*** Garett is now known as Blair

* Producer fusses with Garett's hair, trying to restore the highlights

* BOTW smiles seductively

*** Wanda is now known as otherBOTW

(Blair) All right, but if Richard tries to kiss me again it's all over.

*** KeyGrip is now known as Writer

(Producer) much better, Garett. Go to it!

* Producer glances at Richard

* Blair settles back onto the steps.

*** Blair is now known as MadMerry

* otherBOTW goes after first BOTW

* BOTW shrieks and pulls GM closer

(Writer) "Tell me what's going on, Chief," Jim said, trying not to glance through the door where the body of the BOTW was covered with a white sheet.

* otherBOTW gently moves GM and stalks to the other BOTW

(BOTW) White sheet? Hmmmm.....Satin?

* BOTW blinks at Blair...

* Producer congratulates the writer...

(Writer) Where's the director? The BOTW is *not* supposed to be walking around. She's dead! Says so right here in the script.

* otherBOTW pulls the firstBOTW hair out

* OnStrike yells faintly about Guild agreements from the picket line

(BOTW) Outch! cat fight!

* Producer looks around for the director, nervously

* OnStrike hands Producer a long list of demands

* Producer says quietly to the driector that there is a bonus in this for her, from TPTB if she can just fix this...

* BOTW looks around for her agent

* Producer reads the demands

* Writer joins OnStrike in a sympathy strike.

* Producer swallows nervously

(BOTW) Hey, when you said Garett would just see me in a sheet you DIDN'T say it was in a MORGUE!

* Writer's sign says "Dead BOTW's Don't Walk"

(Producer) ummm, ok. We can do most of these. Smarm, yes, well, I'm trying. Explosions, we'll have to talk. Chocolate, yes, right over here, look in this box...

(MadMerry) I seem to have lost both the thread of the story and any concept of when my turn is. *grin*

(Producer) anything else you wanted?

* otherBOTW pulls the BOTW and throws her into an endless pit

* OnStrike considers the offer, while munching on a chocolate and viewing the scene through her hand lens

(BOTW) (G) Welcome to our world Mer

(MadMerry) I also have no idea who any of you are. =)

* Producer consults her script. It is Writer's turn at the moment, until Writer passes...

* Producer's script says the roation is not systematic, but up for grabs tonight...

(Writer) I'm in a sympathy strike. Have you guys resolved your dispute yet? Cause I'm not going until BOTW is dead. (g)

* Producer takes out a .45 and shoots both BOTW's

* BOTW falls down dead

(BOTW) Happy?

*** BOTW is now known as Dr_Dae

* Producer offers the BOTW's new parts as villains

*** otherBOTW is now known as Wanda

(Dr_Dae) Thanks!

(MadMerry) Dead woman talking. I think maybe I'm in the wrong fandom.

* Producer checks to see if she has resoved the strike dispute yet

(Dr_Dae) I do villians well...

* Writer feels bad for BOTW and says maybe she'll write in a flashback for her.

(Dr_Dae) I am immortal....Unless my head leaves my body...

(MadMerry) Dae: Your head left your body a long time ago.

* Producer keeps looking nervously for the director...

* OnStrike eats the chocolates, watching the producer sweat

(Dr_Dae) That was my MIND

* Producer asks the writer if she is ok to go yet?

(Writer) "Jim, that blood on the wall... It was a symbol."

(Producer) ahh, very nice...

(OnStrike) You gotta performance bond on this, don't cha?

(Writer) "A symbol of what? Did you recognize it?"

(OnStrike) Maybe for production cost, what's that, mill and a half?

* Producer runs over to the other end of the set

* Producer is sweating

(Writer) Blair shuddered, and felt Jim's arm come around his shoulder. "It's OK, Chief. Tell me."

* Producer sighs happily at the Writer's work

* Producer lowers the spot, thinking maybe they can manage without a director after all...

* OnStrike minions break into the props department and steal the C-4

(MadMerry) You know, that's really just wacky doh.

* Producer yells lamely at the minions

* Producer considers planting some C-4 of her own...

* OnStrike minions include sympathetic SFX guild members who know wacky dough from C-4, and what a detonator looks like

(Writer) "It's Haitiian, Jim. A symbol of death."

* Producer wonders sfx or sxf? :)

* OnStrike lobs a riding crop with phenomenal accuracy, whapping the Producer upside the head

* Producer sighs and wonders what she forgot on the list of demands

* Writer slaps herself as she begins to type the phrase "bad mojo"

(Producer) was it the wrong kind of chocolate?

* Producer offers the Writer a chocolate in consolation

(Writer) "What does it mean?"

* Producer picks up the riding crop, trying to ignore the bruise on her head

(Producer) you're supposed to abuse the characters, not the production staff!

* OnStrike finally receive word from the Yakuza connection controlling them, ordering them back to work since the pay-off from UPN arrived

* Producer collapses into a snazzy folding chair with her name on it and hands the bullhorn to the director

*** OnStrike is now known as Director

* Producer whispers a quiet thanks to the yakuza

* Director takes the bullhorn and looks around for the Talent

(Producer) "your check is in the mail..."

(Writer) Blair twisted his hands nervously. "Jim, this can be serious stuff. I've heard some things...I had a friend, a fellow anthropologist. She went to Haitii to study Voodun beliefs. She disappeared..."

(Writer) Blair cleared his throat. "The symbol is of the god Baka. An evil spirit that takes the form of an animal."

(Dr_Dae) Those bloody Vooduns! :)

* Writer can't get her mind around smarm tonight...twists her brain...comes up dry....

(Writer) Just then, Jim heard a low growl from the trees in the dark undergrowth by the side of the house.

(Writer) pass

*** Writer is now known as Observer

* Director pages through the script frantically. Animal handler, we don't have an animal handler budgeted!

(MadMerry) If I take it, something explodes. I'm just telling you.

*** Producer is now known as AnimlHndl

* Observer suggests dressing the stuntman as a large bear.

(AnimlHndl) here, here, TPTB will freak if we add on to the budget

* AnimlHndl grabs the stuntman

* AnimlHndl rather enjoys it, as the stuntman is nicely built

* Director waves the script and the budget spreadsheet. We either get an explosion, or an animal - which do they want?

*** AnimlHndl is now known as Producer

(Producer) they want an explosion

(MadMerry) Okay, it's mine.

(Director) All right, just don't use that moldy old gorrilla suit again

(Producer) we haven't had one yet. If we don't include one our contract is void

(Observer) You already paid for the stuntman. Put him in some fur and let him loose I say. Then you get explosions *and* rabid animals.

* Producer sort of misses the stuntman

(Producer) oooh can I? :)

*** Observer is now known as StuntMan

* Producer vanishes with the stuntman

(MadMerry) "Wait here, Chief," Jim said, rising and moving toward the treeline.

* Producer finds some nice fur....

* Director pushes the stuntman into the bushes and tells him to growl, and then look like he's being blown up when the C-4 goes off

(Producer) can you growl, stuntman?

(MadMerry) "What is it, Jim? What do you hear?"

(MadMerry) Jim motioned for silence, and Blair acquiesced, knowing his Sentinel needed the quiet to scan for any out-of-place sounds.

* Dr_Dae yanks the nearest script out of someone's hand-What's going on?

* Director calls for quiet on the set, hoping to save cost by not having to re-dub the scene

(StuntMan) Grrrrrrrrr

(Dr_Dae) Good luck

* Producer claps for stuntman!

* StuntMan tries to look menacing in his bear suit.

(Producer) very nice. Can you, um...

(Producer) oh yes!

* Director whacks the Producer. I said QUIET!

* StuntMan waves a clawed hand

(MadMerry) This time, Blair heard it too -- a low, menacing growl. The sound seemed to be moving away from the house, and as Jim turned to follow it, Blair waited just inside the small circle of light cast from the porch light.

(StuntMan) errr paw

* Producer meekly apolgizes

(Dr_Dae) Hey--wasn't that the guy in charge of the horse scene in HBK?

* Producer drools silently over the stuntman

* Producer shushes Dr. Dae

(Producer) yeah he was, but uh, he's taken some classes since then...

* StuntMan stands on beefy hind legs and sneaks up on Blair

* Director angles camera so Blair can't see he's being sneaked up on

(MadMerry) He was torn. Part of him urged Blair to follow Jim toward the trees, but the darkness was oppressive.

(StuntMan) ggggrrrrooooowwwwwllllll

(MadMerry) When the growl came again, he made his decision.

(Director) Over here, Garett, give us that look of total oblivion - you've seen Richard do it often enough before he gets whacked on the noggin

* Producer applauds

(Producer) lol!

(MadMerry) He took a step forward, out of the light...

(Director) Now!

* StuntMan hunches, preparing to pounce

(Director) Cue StuntMan!


* Producer hangs onto her folding chair...

* StuntMan swats at Blair with large furry claws

(MadMerry) ...and found himself flattened to the ground, pressed into the dirt by a heavy, solid mass as an explosion rocked the house behind him, sending debris and fire flying in all directions.

(StuntMan) Ooof!

* Producer writes out a little bonus check for MadMerry....

(MadMerry) Moments before oblivion claimed him, he felt himself being lifted, and carried away from the wicked glow of the flames.

* Dr_Dae nudges Kitty- Hey.....

* Director looks up distractedly. Yeah...?

* Producer consults the script "Smarm!"

(Producer) there's smarm here!

* StuntMan notices the bear costume is on fire and begins running around howling on all fours.

(Dr_Dae) LOL

* Director consults script

(MadMerry) His last memory was of Jim moving toward the back of the house, where the explosion had originated.

(Producer) see for yourself

(Director) Oh, you're right! About time!

(StuntMan) My fur is singed! Somebody get an extinguisher!

(Producer) Blair lying helpless amid the debris of the explosion...

(MadMerry) He went into the darkness willingly.

* Director calls for the grips to put out the stuntman with the fire extinguisher

(MadMerry) His sentinel was dead.

* Producer gallantly rescues the stuntman with the fire extinguisher

(MadMerry) pass

(Producer) or Jim, same difference... :)

(MadMerry) Hey, I killed Jim!

(Dr_Dae) Good going!

* Dr_Dae high fives Merry

* Producer looks at the stuntman covered with foam

* MadMerry high-fives Dr. Dae.

* Director quickly consults script to make sure it is only temporary

* StuntMan struggles out of the bear costume, wearing only boxers and a smile.

* Dr_Dae glares at director

(Dr_Dae) Of course!

* Producer thinks the bear costume is a goner this time

* Director didn't want to have to go on strike again with half the Talent

(MadMerry) Blair just THINKS Jim is dead. And Jim thinks Blair is dead. A double-whammy from MadMerry. Where's my check?

* Producer tell Richard to be ready for some consummate acting

* Producer hands it over to MadMerry saying "don't tell anyone else!"

* Dr_Dae giggles--I seem to recall this plot on a dark stormy angst ridden night

* MadMerry pounces greedily at the check, then glares up at the producer.

* Director looks around suspiciously, scenting a bonus check in the vicinity

(MadMerry) I think you left off some zeroes.

(Producer) this plot is always good no matter wher it appears...

* Producer looks away. "If you add them, I didn't see you do it..."

* Producer squirms under the Director's stare

(MadMerry) Hey, over on the Highlander set they use the same plot every week.

(MadMerry) Bad immortal shows up, wreaks havoc, is killed by Mac, Mac learns a valuable lesson and gets laid.

* StuntMan knows MadMerry is telling the truth. He stunt doubled a beheading just last week.

(Producer) well, we're supposed to too, it's when you all get insistent on originality that I get in trouble...

(Dr_Dae) Well...why don't we invite them over here...And YOU can finish your xover!

* MadMerry edges carefully away from Dr. Dae.

* Dr_Dae edges towards Merry

*** StuntMan is now known as Audience

(Dr_Dae) Wellllll?

(MadMerry) Uhhhh.

(Audience) We want smarm! We want smarm!

(Producer) Bad guy shows up, is captured by Jim and Blair, BOTW asks Jim or Blair out but no one gets laid...

(MadMerry) Jim got laid.

* Producer consults script

* Director consults script

(Producer) we need a new Writer!

(Dr_Dae) Didn't Blair once?

(Director) Not this time, Bubba!

* Audience starts stomping in the bleachers

* Producer pulls script away from director

(MadMerry) Hey, I PASSED.

* Producer thinks director should take a turn as writer

* Director pulls script back. Hey, I do Vision here, not the grunt work

* Producer snarls

* Producer says ok, ok, I'll take it....

* Director begins to snarl back, then remembers Jim is laying around somewhere injured, thinking Blair is dead

(Dr_Dae) And Blair thinking he's dead...

(Producer) well go then!

(Dr_Dae) Jim I mean

(Director) When he came to, everything hurt.

(Producer) (snicker)

* Dr_Dae sits back with the popcorn

(Director) His skin felt burned, and even his eyes were scratchy and dry, as if they'd also been toasted.

(Director) Actually, they felt as if they'd been pulled from his head, rolled in breading, and deep-fried. But they still worked. Pretty much. He blinked a couple times, hoping the feeling would go away, but it didn't at first.

* Audience joins Dae with some JuJuBees

(Director) Then he remembered why he hurt inside. Blair had been next to that house, and the smell of blood washing outward mixed with Blair's scent told him all he didn't want to know.

(MadMerry) ooooh.

* MadMerry bows before the master.

(Director) Suddenly his eyes were wetter than he had intended.

* Producer curls up happily in her folding chair

* Dr_Dae dabs her own eyes

* Audience reaches for the kleenex

(Director) He lay still for a few more minutes, letting the stinging in his eyes distract him from the rest. The moon's pale light broke into haloes of color, shifting and moving as he blinked.

(Director) There didn't seem to be much point in getting up.

(Producer) ohhhhhhhhh

* Producer feels very sorry for Jim

(Director) After a while he noticed sound returning. It came back slowly, mixed with the high pitched ringing he hadn't paid attention to earlier. It was amazing how quickly the local nightlife recovered from the shock of such an event, he could hear dozens of crickets singing underneath the echoes of the explosion that had ended his life.

(Director) The echoes were only in his head, but they would always be there.

(Audience) sniff

(Dr_Dae) Is the memory of Blair's heartbeat tormenting him?

(Director) Scent came back next, going online with a vengeance as a soft breeze shifted, carrying the acrid odors of burnt wood, plastic, and flesh. His stomach heaved at identifying that last one, and he rolled to his side, retching weakly.

(Director) (I told you in the beginning I have no imagination!)

(Audience) Oh, yuck. Burned bear meat.

(Producer) ooh! Kitty writes puking!

(Audience) blairbearmeat

(Dr_Dae) I thought that was somebody else's trademark?

* Producer whaps audience severely!

(MadMerry) I just wonder if anybody will remember that Simon was in there when the house exploded. So I killed two people, technically. And half of Major Crimes.

(Director) There had been at least a half dozen cops in the house when it went up, their investigation of the crime scene cut short. Soon there would be dozens more here to investigate the second crime. But he didn't really care about that.

(Director) (g)

* Audience doesn't like it when the producer beats them.

(Dr_Dae) There go the bananas...

* Producer assures MadMerry that far worse things have been ignored in terms of series continuity

* MadMerry grins wickedly.

* Director loses her train of thought after all the whapping and passes

* Dr_Dae sighs, tucking away her banana lovers' card

(Producer) you put the explosion in, that's all TPTB care about...

(MadMerry) Who's taking it?

* Audience urges the Director to direct Jim to find Blair for illicit smarming purposes.

(Director) Richard, just lay there, the taste of bile and ashes on your tongue, and look tortured for us for a while, OK?

*** Producer is now known as Richard

* Richard obliges

* Richard's haunted blue eyes stare, unfocused, across the smoky ruins...

(Director) OK, now look up a bit, so we can get that angel spot on the tears standing in your stunning Swiss blue topaz eyes....

* Richard tries to push himself up a little

* Richard is too shaky and falls...

(Director) And cue the trembling in your lips as you desperately contain your emotion

* Richard looks up at the angel spot, blue eyes brimming

* Richard trembles, just slightly

* Audience ooooos

* Richard reaches for the presence of his guide, out of instinct

* Richard fliches as he finds nothing...

* Audience awwwwws

(Director) Excellent, go with it! When you've got it in the groove, I want a low sob

* Richard makes a soft, terrible sound...

(Director) Then yank back your control and try getting up again

* Richard hangs his head, trying to gather the courage to look up again

* Richard catches his breath in one last sob, then tries once more to stand

* Richard stands, swaying...

(Director) Iron will, that's it - your world and your soul are destroyed, but you have to find the body to grieve completely -

*** MadMerry is now known as Audience2

* Richard can't help looking for the shape hs is afraid of seeing...

(Audience2)'d I get backstage??

* Richard feels as if there is nothing left to draw on, as if everything that means anything is gone

(Director) You're looking, you don't want to find it, but you have to, I want conflict in every movement

* Richard moves anyway

*** Audience2 is now known as MadMerry

* Richard staggers, catches himself

* Audience watches the tourist trying to get back stage.

* Richard looks over and sees a still form, his Sentinel vision focusing mercilessly on it

* Richard shuts his eyes for one moment....

(Director) That's it, good. OK, now reaction shot

(Director) And cue the building grief getting closer to the surface every second

* Richard 's expression of pain would break any heart...

(MadMerry) I feel something breaking.

(Director) You are still holding on, but it's a thread, the tiniest microfilament of control left to you

* Audience ran out of kleenex

(MadMerry) I don't think it's my heart, though.

* Richard wipes his face, a quick, unconscious motion, and moves toward the figure...

* Richard comes closer...

(Director) Tremble, you're feeling fear like you never have before

* Richard looks at the director for help, he doesn't remember what the script says....

(Director) Nothing that ever threatened your own life scared you this badly

* Director grabs the script from the continuity girl.

* Richard has never felt such fear. He wants to hold onto hope, but his own senses give him evidence so terrifying he can barely process it

* MadMerry is startled by a sudden, loud THUD from behind her. She whirls around...

* Richard feels as if he is being torn apart, as if the last anchor he has been able to hold onto is gone

(Director) That's not him, it's one of the cops who got thrown clear. We need relief mixed with guilt, fear, and a bit of grief.

* MadMerry blushes, and picks up the fallen object.

(MadMerry) Sorry, that's just my disbelief. *GRIN*

* Richard is overwhelmed with emotion and decides to pass...

* MadMerry hoists it back on her shoulder.

(MadMerry) Hey, that was just getting good!

* Director decides the audience has screwed up the sound take and stalks offstage in a huff

(Richard) well ok, ok

(Richard) never could resist the fans...

* Richard looks back at the director...

* Director calls from offstage, "You're on your own, Bubba!"

* Audience looks stunned. "Who, us?

* Richard sighs in frustration

* Richard looks around for Garett

(MadMerry) DIRECTOR!!!

(MadMerry) Come back!

(Richard) ok kid, we can do this....

(MadMerry) I'll erase the phony zeroes on the check, ok?

(Richard) I just need some help here

*** Audience is now known as Blair

(Richard) good good, let's get in character...

* Blair moans softly, barely a breath really.

*** Richard is now known as Jim

(MadMerry) Here, you can have the whole check back.

* Jim's head snaps up. He's heard something...

* Blair lies limply a short distance away, obscured by heavy smoke.

* Jim tries to run, half-falling but recovering....

* Jim is confused by the smoke, but grimly keeps scanning with his senses for Blair's scent

* Jim refuses to hope, but fights his way, coughing, through the smoke, toward the direction he is afraid to go...

* Blair's scent rises from him. A scent uniquely his own.

(Dr_Dae) Use the spray Chief...Sorry :)

(MadMerry) ACK!

(MadMerry) No, some other scent. =)

(Blair) Deep in the depths of unconsciousness, a sound impinges on Blair.

* Jim drops to his knees

* Jim looks at the unmoving figure

* Jim puts his hand gently against Blair's cheek

* Director yells from offstage, "Try the hair! Go for intense input first!"

(Blair) A touch, from somewhere far away. Familiar somehow...

* Jim realizes there is warmth there, and puts his other hand to Blair's neck

* Jim feels a pulse, faint but there. He doesn't know why he couldn't detect it before, but he doesn't care now.

(Blair) The touch returns, insistent now. Blair knew he should recognize it, but his grief kept him in darkness.

* Director slowly edges back toward the set

* Jim pushes the tangled hair back from Blair's face, looking for any sign of injury.

(Blair) "Jim is dead!" Blair's mind screamed, pushing away the smell of smoke and charred flesh.

(Jim) Soft hair, smelling of the smoke from the explosion. A little blood beneath, scrapes, maybe, from when he'd fallen.

* Jim calls his Guide's name, stroking back soft hair and pulling him close, rocking him gently.

(Blair) "Oh, god. I'll never hear Jim's voice again, never see that steely glare."

(Blair) His name? But how could that be? It had to be his grief that caused him to hear his friend's voice.

* Jim knows that what he needs is here, that he has to bring Blair back....

* Jim keeps talking, quietly, not caring if he makes sense....

(Blair) What if? Oh gods, could it be true?

* Director whispers, remember the salt tracks drying on your cheeks

* Blair follows the voice through the dark tunnel of his despair.

* Jim feels Blair's body motionless in his arms, and holds on tighter, as if he can keep Blair there by sheer force...

* Jim's cheek is wet as he calls out one more time...

* Blair's eyes flutter, and a moan issues forth.

* Jim shuts his eyes a moment...

(Blair) "Jim"

* Jim openes them as he hears the moan

(Jim) Chief?

(Blair) Thought....

* Jim touches Blair's face, a look of wonder on his face

* Director sighs. "Richard, your voice has to break with infinite tenderness here."

* Blair coughs and gasps for breath

(Jim) "Shh, thought what?"

* Blair clutches Jim's shirt

* Jim tightens his arm around Blair, pats him gently on the back.

* Jim's voice is rough with emotion.

(Blair) Tears roll down his cheek, leaving trails of pale skin. "Thought you were...dead."

(Jim) "I'm here. And you are. Don't worry."

(Blair) "But...the explosion."

* Jim brushes the tears from Blair's cheek, leaving the pale face streaked with soot.

(Jim) "I know. I thought you were..I couldn't find you..."

* Jim's voice breaks

(Jim) "But you're here. Come on..."

(Blair) "You were gone...I heard a were dead!" Blair convulses in sobs and buries his face in Jim's shirt.

* Jim gathers Blair in his arms, takes a deep breath that is raw in his smoke-burned throat

* Jim stands up, carrying Blair.

(Jim) "No. NO. It was just a bad dream."

(Blair) "A dream?"

* Blair calms a little in Jim's embrace.

(Jim) "Yeah. The bear's dead, okay? But we're still here. OK?"

* Blair drifts off to an exhausted sleep, secure in Jim's arms.

* Jim carries him out of the way of the smoke and flames, and holds him until the cavalry arrive...

*** Blair is now known as Kareila

(Kareila) and so must I (g)

*** Jim is now known as cat1

(MadMerry) Can I go to sleep secure in Jim's arms, too?

*** MadMerry is now known as Merry

*** Director is now known as Spengs