Mystery Usenet Theater 3000: "Spider-Man: The Movie" Misted by Matt Blackwell, Daniel Haun, Brendan Herlihy, Bill Livingston, Eric Scheppers, and Natalie Welch [Season 10 Opening Sequence] [1 . . . 2 . . . 3 . . . 4 . . . 5 . . . 6 . . . ] [The Bridge of the Satellite of Love is a bit off tonight. Instead of its usual cluttered self, the Bridge instead resembles the set of a game show, complete with risers full of screaming fans. Far in the background, we can see the usual door to the theater, but the camera instead pans in on a Matt Damon-ish looking host, J. Keith Van Straaten.] JKVS: Welcome back to "Beat the Geeks." It's still anyone's game here tonight as our competitors Mike (The camera shows the lovable Mike Nelson) and Crow (the camera refocuses on the golden Crow T. Robot before returning to JP) are in a 50 point tie having defeated the Movie and the TV Geek in short order. But in this round, the scores are doubled, and there's a special 10 point bonus for anyone defeating our special guest geek. Now, our toss-up question to determine who goes next. Ready? [Mike and Crow lean eagerly over the buzzers.] JKVS: This southern band hit it big in the 1980s with hits like "Caught up in You" and "Fantasy Girl." [Mike eagerly hits the button.] JKVS: Mike. Mike: .38 Special. JKVS: Correct! Mike, please pick a Geek! Crow: Hrmph. I knew that one. Mike: Yeah, yeah. Cry me a river. JKVS: Sorry Crow. He rang in first. Mike: JP, this should be a piece of cake, cause I'm taking on the special guest geek, the Mike Geek! JKVS: Our special guest Geek, the Mike Geek! Purveyor of all Mike Nelson-related knowledge! [The buzzers buzz, the lights flash, and the spotlight focuses on a person behind a podium, who looks suspiciously like Paul Chapin in a robe.] Geek: Mike, I'm going to beat you like the cheese-eater you are, and then I'm going to steal your keyboard! [The crowd applauds wildly. Mike looks a bit confused.] Mike: Er, yeah. JKVS: Our first question, Mike- in 1985, you briefly performed with this band. Name them. Mike: Oh, easy. "Sex Factory". JKVS: Correct! [The crowd cheers.] Mike Geek? The band planned to have a concept album as their first release. What was the album title and what was the concept? Geek: Well, the band had a large number of releases planned, including their triple live album "Live from the Sea of Tranquility" but their first record was to be an ambitious album combining "The Lord of the Rings" with the droids from "Star Wars." They planned to call it "The Robots of Rohan." JKVS: Correct! [Mike looks even more confused.] Mike: How the heck did you know that? JKVS: [chuckling] Hey, Mike, who's the host here? Onto question two: what are your parents' names? Mike: Well, they *were* Moonbeam and Cottonwood, but they kinda moved out of the hippie phase in '75, so now they're just Walter and Irene. JKVS: Correct! Mike Geek, your next question. What girl did Mike first kiss romantically? Geek: Ooh, that's a toughie. I'd have to say that would be Kimmy Sue Hasenpfeffer. Unless, of course, you count Mike's poster of Farrah Fawcett. JKVS: Correct! [The crowd cheers. Mike looks poleaxed.] Mike: Oh, come on! I took that down when I was eight! JKVS: Since both of you answered correctly, that means it comes down to the Geek to Geek showdown. I'll ask both of you to name as many things fitting the topic in fifteen seconds. Whomever gets the higher total wins. Ready? Okay. Mike- name chapters in your latest book. Go! Mike: Um, L.A. Diary, Did he say "Meep"?, Friend Good, Oh Look at Me I Have Friends, Virtual Me, Tennis tips, Bad Hair Person, Bravo, Behind Music, Lunch on the Serengeti... [A loud buzzer sounds] JKVS: Okay, that's time. Mike, you got nine. Mike Geek, that means you'll have to get ten correct answers to keep your medal. Your category: Places where Mike was beaten up in Seventh grade. Go! Geek: School, Church, the bathroom, YMCA, Shady Oaks Camp, the Zoo, Kimmy Sue Hasenfeffer's house, the Quik Stop, the Hospital, the model UN club... JKVS: That's ten! You've successfully defended your medal, Mike Geek. Let's see what our other challenger can do! [The lights signaling a call from Castle Forrester begin to flash wildly. An air horn also seems to be blowing. JP looks about in confusion.] Mike: Sorry, that's for me. Hello? [Castle Forrester] [Pearl and her henchmen, er, henchape and henchnoncorporeal being, stand in the foreground, looking very, very annoyed.] Pearl: [Coldly] what the hell do you think you're doing? [SoL] Mike: We're just on a game show, Pearl. JKVS: Yeah, we're a little show on... [Castle Forrester] Pearl: [harshly] I know who you are. [to Mike] Mike! These people work for the enemy! Remember? Six years ago? I had to move in with my folks and write for NPR? [SoL] Mike: Come on, Pearl. That's ancient history. Can't we just let bygones be bygones? [Castle Forrester] [Observer steps up to Pearl.] Observer: Mike does have a point, Pearl. After all we've all been fired since then. Some of us multiple times. [SoL] JKVS: Say, is that the Brain Geek? [Castle Forrester] [Observer stares coldly at the screen for a moment.] Observer: Never mind. Scrag him, Pearl. Pearl: Mike, I'm going to teach you a lesson. I'm going to make you an icon to the comic book geeks out there. I'm going to show you a film featuring Marvel superheroes... [SoL] [The Movie Geek steps up behind Mike.] Movie Geek: Oh, let me guess. The Punisher? Captain America? Roger Corman's Fantastic Four? [Castle Forrester] Pearl: No. Marvel's flagship character, Spiderman. Movie Geek: Wow. The soon to be released film with Tobey Maguire, Kirsten Dunst and directed by Sam Raimi? [Castle Forrester] Pearl: Er, no. [SoL] Movie Geek: Ew. The 1978 TV movie featuring Nicholas Hammond that represented Spidey's webs by throwing nets onto people? Mike: Dude, you're not helping. [Castle Forrester] Pearl: No. The alleged film treatment by Piranha II's James Cameron. [SoL] [The lights begin to flash. Crow rushes about wildly.] Movie Geek: Well, you're doomed. JKVS: Yep. We're bailing. Good luck, guys. Mike: Hey! You can't leave! What about our Tivo? What about our Tivo?! [Mike sighs and hits the lights, and the door sequence begins.] [6 . . . 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . ] [Crow and Mike enter the theater. Tom is already seated.] Tom: So, how did it go? Crow: Ah. It was called on account of Pearl. Mike: Sorry about you getting beaten in the first round. Tom: Ah. I couldn't buzz in anyway, since my arms don't work. Besides, who the heck was "Susan Underwater"? Mike: Early 90s grunge band. I think their CD was "Serrator Synopsis." Tom: Show off. > > > > > > > > Mike: So... Bert I. Gordon directed this? > > > > > > > > > > Tom: Taut isn't it? Crow: This is _not_ how to build suspense. > > > > > > > > SPIDER-MAN All: AHH! Tom: Don't do that! > > > Scriptment Crow: Is that anything like spearmint? > > > > > > > BY > > JAMES CAMERON Mike: Come on, even he wouldn't use the word 'scriptment'. > > > > > > > > > > Tom: So... Crow: Uh huh. > > > > > > > > > > Mike: Well, it's already better than "Resident Evil." > > > > >FADE IN: Crow: Finally! > >A geometrical pattern fills the screen. Tom: Trapezoid! The movie! > Silver threads in >moonlight. Mike: How did they get there? >Part of a spider's intricate web. Crow: Did Joel Schumaker set up this scene? >It moves slightly and we see behind it... Tom: A spider? > the glint of an >eye. Mike: Oh, they're just filming the other cameraman! >Pulling back. Two eyes blinking in the darkness, behind a >mesh of fishnet material. Tom: Fishnet stockings? Crow: This is more than I wanted to know about Spidey. >Continue pulling back to reveal a face. Crow: Keep pulling back, guys, and we might get the whole body in the shot by the end of the next ice age! > A face shrouded >in darkness, Tom: A script cloaked in flames . . . > covered by a concentric web-like pattern. Mike: The years had not been kind to Peter Parker. >Behind the mesh we catch a hint of the features. Not >much. Crow: It's pretty much just a mole and some ear hair. > It is the eyes which command our attention. > Tom: [eyes] Lookatmelookatmelookatmelookatme! >Pulling back... head and shoulders. Mike: For a good first impression. > A black night >background. Crow: Inked by Todd McFarlane using a fire hose. >Wider still, revealing a muscular silhouetted figure, >sitting cross-legged with zen-like composure. Tom: Clint Eastwood *is* the Dalai Lama in "Out for Vengeance III: Weekend at Dalai's!" > The arms >are straight down, between the legs. Mike: Between? Crow: Is who I think it is doing what I *think* he's doing? > Behind the figure is >some kind of steel structure. > Mike: Wow, I feel like I'm there! Tom: So, Spidey's sitting on the Eiffel Tower? >But wait. Crow: [Cameron] Why am I writing this?! > As we pull back, city lights have come into >view, and now skyscrapers... Tom: Yeah, you do usually find those in cities. > but they are above us. Mike: Well, yeah! Being tall is kind of a prerequisite for skyscrapers. Crow: Sounds like a class struggle to me. >Sticking down into frame like the mothership in Close >Encounters. CAMERA ROTATES now, 180 degrees... Tom: [swaying] Getting... dizzy... [He falls out of frame.] > >Putting the city where it belongs... below us. Crow: Well that was resolved quickly! [Tom reappears.] > And >revealing that the figure is hanging by his hands, by a >thread-like wire... cross-legged and chilled-out. Tom: So we're in a meat locker now? > Upside >down. Crow: Now he's hanging upside down? > He is wearing a form-hugging body-suit. Tom: Great, now I'm having Krankor flashbacks. > Hard to >make out the details in the moonlight. Who is this >whacko? > Mike: Probably Al Gore. He's been acting a bit "off" lately. >Keep pulling back. The figure is hanging, like a spider, >from a radio mast high above... Manhattan. Crow: [Woody Allen] Chapter One. He loved New York. He romanticized it all out of proportion. > There are the >familiar landmarks... Pan Am and Chrysler Buildings. >Empire State. > Mike: Yes, those would be in Manhattan. > FIGURE (V.O.) > Welcome to one of my favorite night spots. Tom: [figure] It's not very busy now, but you should see it during the holidays! > The service is slow, but the thing I like > about it... it's not usually too crowded. > >The Empire State building is lower than us so there's only >one place we could be... > Mike: In a satellite orbiting the Earth? >1400 feet above the street, on the radio mast of the north >tower of the World Trade Center. Mike: Oh, silly me. Crow: Er, guys? [Long, long, long pause.] Mike: Just - just remember guys, this was written before - well, before. Crow: I don't care, Nelson, it's still wrong! Tom: Pearl's really sunk to a new low! Mike: Well, be fair - maybe she didn't know. Crow: C'mon, how could she *not* know? Mike: You don't think *she* reads all this crap she sends to us? [Another pause.] Tom: He's got a point. > A quarter of a mile >below us, the traffic moves like corpuscles of light >through the circulatory system of the city. > Tom: Ooh, good metaphor. > FIGURE (V.O.) > It all looks so... civilized... from up > here, doesn't it? Crow: Well, you can't see much through the smog. > Like there's some kind > of logic to it all. It's all so clear. > But you get down there on the street and > nothing's clear. > Mike: Sounds like drug metaphor. The higher you get, the clearer you can see. Tom: Sounds like he got bit by a farsighted radioactive spider. >THE STREET. Tom: Being cancelled this fall from Fox! > Cabs and cops. People on the move. Crow: America in motion. > Humanity >in all its variegated glory... from stockbrokers to >hookers, priests to junkies. > Tom: Ooh, political subtext. >A CORNER NEWSSTAND. Pushing in on a stack of Newsweek. Crow: Product placement? In the script? For shame! >Close on the top one. Mike: No, wait, close on the third from the top. Do it. Go on. > The cover is a grainy, long lens >black and white shot, like a UFO photo, of a guy in tights >apparently crawling up the side of a building. Mike: Johnny Knoxville hits the Big Apple. > The >headline reads: THE SPIDER MAN - HERO OR VIGILANTE? > Crow: Boxers or briefs? Tom: Lycra or spandex? Mike: White meat or dark? Tom: He's all those, and more. >An arm, wearing red spandex and a red glove, drops down >from the roof of the newsstand. Tom: Alright, dismemberment! > The news-guy whirls as >the arm slaps two bucks on the counter and grabs a >Newsweek. Crow: Since when did Thing become a superhero? >The owner rushes out the door... looks on top of his >kiosk. Mike: And promptly vomits into the gutter. >There's nothing there. He looks up, all around... Tom: Buys a classified ad... >nothing. He grins and holds his fist in the air. > Mike: I got ripped off! Whoo-hoo! > OWNER > ALRIIIIIGHT! > Tom: Meanwhile, some kid runs off with the two bucks. >CUT TO THE FIGURE, atop the WTC. Still hanging. He pulls >the Newsweek out of his belt and stares at the cover in >the moonlight. > Mike: I hope all this moonlight isn't alluding to a really silly crossover... > SPIDERMAN (V.O.) > How can I expect them to get it. Tom: I don't even get it and I'm me! > I don't > even get it. Mike: Good call, Servo. Tom: Aw, it was too easy. Crow: Yeah. Peter Parker's the original Angst-Ridden Teen Hero. He makes *Angel* look normal. > I do wish they'd at least > get my name right. Crow: You do wish? Is this New York or New Haven? > It's Spider Man... not > The Spider Man. Jeez. Boneheads. I need > a better publicist. > Mike: Maybe instead of picking nits, you should fight some crime, Mr. Hero. >He rips the magazine easily in half, then in quarters, >then in eights... somewhere in here we realize that this >takes more strength in the hands than you or I have. Tom: Can he make it into a swan? > He >releases the stamp-sized shreds. Camera drifts with them >as they flutter down over the city like confetti. Mike: Geez, I guess when you're a big time, fancy-shamnsy super-hero type, you can pretty much ignore those pesky little anti-litter laws. Crow: And the 1980s Punisher sees this and blows him away. Whoops! > > SPIDERMAN > Wouldn't they have kittens if thy knew > Spiderman wasn't even a man. Tom: The hormone treatments have finally kicked in, huh? > Just a kid > named... Tom: [Johnny Cash] GEORGE, BILL, ANYTHING BUT SUE! > >PETER! > >CLOSE UP on an elderly lady yelling. Crow: Cher? > "Peter... you're >going to be late!" It's morning and she's calling up the >stairs to... > Mike: Saint Peter! He's gone from Heaven to New York in this year's wackiest new sitcom! >PETER PARKER. Age 17. Peter is in the bathroom, popping >a zit in the mirror. Crow: Ick. Mike: I have to admit, I didn't expect this. > He puts on his glasses and checks >his look in the mirror. Still the same. Nerdy. He >doesn't care. Screw 'em. > Mike: [Peter] I'll show them, as soon as I get some super powers. >He grabs a big stack of books and heads downstairs. Over >breakfast we meet his aunt MAY and Uncle BENJAMIN. Tom: [May] Oh, you must be that nice young audience Peter's been telling us about. You just sit right down and I'll microwave you a nice frozen pancake! > Nice >people but way too old to be the kind of role-model >parents a kid needs. Mike: So, are these his parents' siblings, or his grandparents'? > Still, he loves them even if he >forgets to actually mention it 99% of the time like any >kid. > Tom: That reminds me, I need to call Joel. Crow: [Choked up] I miss you, Daddy. Mike: There, there. >Aunt May is thin and fusses over Peter too much. He >indulges her. When he has time, which he doesn't this >morning. > Crow: Another student of the William Shatner School of Writing. >Peter's parents were killed in a plane crash when he was >six. He woke up one day without a family. Tom: Except for the ones he lives with of course. > Somehow he >always felt guilty that they went away. Mike: Maybe because they said it was his fault? > As if he had done >something wrong. Tom: Well, he DID ask them to fly because he saw on TV it was safer. And he did buy recommend flying SeldumCrash Airlines... > His 17 year old mind tells him it was >just fate, just a random accident... Crow: While his 5 year old mind knows it was a super villain. > but deep in his >subconscious that scared 6 year old still cries, begging >for them to come home... Tom: And for Pokemon. > he won't cause trouble anymore... >he'll go to bed when they tell him. > Crow: Waitaminit here. This is supposed to be a movie script, right? Mike: Right. Crow: So how does this narrative fit into a movie? Does Peter think of himself in the third person? Who's talking here?!? Mike: Maybe it's the narrator. Tom: Mike, Peter IS the narrator. Mike: Let's just not dwell on it. We have a long way to go. >Uprooted, moved from the only home he knew, in Maryland, >to Ben and May's modest bungalow in suburban Flushing, NY. Mike: [continuing] Young Petey quickly took to a life of crime, and cheap thrills. >It is a low to middle income boredom-zone of tract homes >pushed too close together. Crow: Plus, their neighbor kept yelling at his kids about Simonizing his car. > Peter actually goes to high >school in nearby Forest Hills, a snotty high-income >neighborhood. Tom: Geez, is this a screenplay or the Communist Manifesto? > This makes him a poor kid from the wrong >side of the tracks in the eyes of his status conscious >schoolmates. > Crow: [Narrator] Is he enough of an underdog for you yet folks? I can make him speak with a lisp... >Peter is a bright kid. He doesn't have many friends. Tom: Peter has an affinity for Industrial Arts. Mike: Watch Peter run. Run Peter, run. > He >is ostracized for his interest in science. Crow: And his ear hair collection. > Our MTV >culture frowns on people who think too much. Mike: Yeah, in the 50's science geeks couldn't cross the street without luscious blonde tomatoes begging them for a date! > Intellectual >curiosity is decidedly un-hip. Tom: Conforming is cool! All: [whispering] Join us! Join us! > Who cares about where the >universe came from or how the Greeks hammered Troy? Crow: Huh? Anthony Quinn got Counselor Troi drunk? > Did >you hear the new Pearl Jam album? > Mike: You know, the writer might be a bit bitter. Crow: Really? Mike: Yup, but it's kinda subtle. >Peter is defiant. Tom: He viciously taunts his bullies while they pummel him. > He thinks they are the real losers. >They'll be flipping burgers while he's discovering the >cure to cancer. Mike: Kids from rich families? Not likely. >We'll see who wins in the long run. > Crow: Of course, that'll mean the film will last 40 years, but hey, you've got time to kill, don't you? >He wears his isolation like a badge... Crow: And his underwear like a helmet. > with an air of >superiority. Tom: Or maybe it's just the gallon of Old Spice he splashes on every morning in lieu of a bath. >In fact, he is awesomely shy and desperately lonely and >unhappy. Tom: Gee, I wonder why? Mike: This kid makes Bruce Wayne seem like the Olsen twins... > But whenever this occurs to him, he loses >himself in his studies, and finds a kind of peace. > Crow: Remember kiddies, learning keeps those urges to kill at bay. >He has the 17 year-old's sense that he knows everything >about the world, and can see so clearly all the things >that are wrong with it. Mike: In other words, he was a smug SOB. > In fact he is very insulated and >knows almost nothing about human nature in all its >complexity. Tom: Plus there was his whole Oedipus complex. Crow: Psychology text, or screenplay? You decide. > He doesn't even understand himself very well. Mike: Well, who does? Bots: We do. Mike: Oh, be quiet. >Because his life of the mind is his badge of superiority, >he frowns on the pursuits of the body. > Crow: Mostly cuz he couldn't climb the rope in gym class. >Sports? Mike: Yeah, let's watch some of that! > Forget it. Mike: Darn. > Bunch of jock boneheads crashing into >each other. Like stag elk in rut. Crow: I never thought of it like that...and I never want to again. > Senseless violence. Crow: Sure! We'd like to see some of that! >Girls? Good in theory, but how do you talk to them? Mike: By moving your mouth and producing sounds resembling a certain language? Crow: I've heard that telepathy works pretty good, but I can't seem to get it to work. >Dancing? No way. He tried it once. Not a pretty sight. > Crow: Well, that's what happens when the only dance you know is the Macarena. >Peter is a virgin. And apt to remain that way for a >while. Mike: Hmm. Why am I wasting my time following this kid around? Say! There's that Johnny Storm fellow. I'll narrate about him for a while... > He's your basic sexually pent-up adolescent. > Tom: Oh, you mean a stereotype. >One other thing about Peter. Crow: No thanks, we know more than enough... > He is a plucky kid. He's >got true grit. Mike: He's a contenda! He can go all da way! > He's never had an opportunity to prove >this, to himself or anyone else. But he will soon... > Crow: You can tell a good screenplay by the way it goes off on completely unfilmable tangents! >That day at school, we see Peter with his friends, who are >mostly straight-A misfit types like himself. Tom: Freaks and Geeks: The Next Generation! > In his last >class of the day... his favorite. Mike: Sex-Ed! > BIOLOGY... Mike: Close enough. Crow: With Peter Graves. > Peter >daydreams about the girl across the room. Mary Jane >Watson. Peter is captivated by her, though she doesn't >seem to know he exists. Tom: Sounds familiar, huh Mike? Mike: Sure does... Hey! > The teacher tells them to pair up >for term science projects and to Peter's surprise Mary >Jane comes all the way over to him and asks to be his >partner. > Crow: Great, now he's using sitcom plots! >Mary Jane needs at least an A in the class, or she won't >graduate with a B average, and then her parents won't buy >her a car like they promised. Mike: And the audience will know this... how? Crow: It's a concept film, Mike. "Spiderman" will be the first film produced solely for the entertainment of psychics! > So she teams herself with >Peter the Nerd. Mike: Hey, author! Sometimes, when a girl approaches you, they might actually, genuinely, like you! Crow: Like you would know. Mike: Hey! > Mary Jane's girl-friends in the class >exchange looks and smirks. > Tom: This is so not a script. Mike: Well... at least they'll save money on a dialogue coach. >Peter flushes with the sudden proximity of the girl he has >watched from across the room all year. She even smells >good. He feels giddy. > Crow: Well, there's just something about Mary ya know. >Peter of course knows he has no hope. Tom: And so he falls deeper into his well of self-pity. > Mary Jane is going >out with one of the school's top studs... Nathan McCreery, >AKA "Flash". All: AH-AH! Tom: Wait a minute! Flash McCreery? > Nathan is a top athlete, playing on the >senior football team and head of the gymnastic team. [The bots bust out laughing.] Crow: Gymnastics?! What a geek! Mike: Well, it is a good chance to be around women wearing leotards. Tom: Hmmm...good point. > He >is also a tennis snob and drives a Porsche. Tom: What, pray tell, is a tennis snob anyway? Mike: Someone who thinks they're better than tennis. Crow: Stupid tennis! > Peter hates >him utterly, on general principles. Mike: Well, Flash did run over Peter's sister too... > Peter takes the bus. Crow: Ok! We get the picture! Petey is a flamin'lower class geek, alright?! Mike: And another gets on. And another gets on. Another one rides the bus. >His aunt and uncle don't have much money. > Tom: Plus Uncle Ben has a thing for playing the ponies. >Mary Jane is a popular girl, in a "sosh" clique, Crow: What's a sosh? Tom: Maybe he means slush? > way out >of Peter's league. She has it all... looks, money, >handsome boyfriend. Tom: [Peter] I want a boyfriend! > Peter oscillates between despising >her and fantasizing about saving her from a burning >building so she will be eternally grateful to him and >maybe even kiss him. > Mike: Classic love/hate, right there. Crow: No fantasies about her slowly falling for his inner beauty? Tom: No, I think the burning building thing is his best shot. >Peter is thrilled to be her partner for the term project. Crow: Looks like he does enjoy being used... >School lets out. Peter walks Mary Jane out of the parking >lot. Mike: How did this film not get made? Actors would kill for a chance to stay on the screen for hours without saying anything! > Flash comes zipping up in his Porsche to pick her >up. In an awkward moment of condescending generosity, >Mary Jane invites Peter to go with them, to Flash's house, >to play tennis and swim in the pool. Tom: [grandly] Then we can play charades in the parlor! > Peter declines... Mike: He doesn't have his floaties with him. > he >has an honors-student science seminar he's going to at a >nearby university. Tom: Usually referred to as Empire State University. > Anyway... he doesn't want her to see >his pale skinny body next to Flash the stud. > Crow: Good, because we don't wanna see it either. Tom: The difference between this and "Easy Rider" is, here you won't see actors doing any lines. >McCreery makes some offhand but cutting remark about >Peter, Mike: I'd tell you what it was, but it's so much better to let the actors imagine dialogue. > then some of Flash's jock friends get into it... >mocking him as well. Peter walks away, humiliated. > Tom: Well, so far we've just synopsized every John Hughes film ever made... Crow: [Peter] I'll go to a place where I'll be free to geek! To the internet! >LATER, at the seminar... Peter is touring the genetics lab >of the university he hopes to attend if he can get a >scholarship. Tom: Ah, yes. The Howie Mandel Genetics Lab at good ol' Gen-er-ic U.! >The lab has one of the nation's leading research programs >on recombinant DNA and gene therapy. > Mike: Anything to do with radioactive spiders? Crow: I've heard they also have a great Useless Science program too. >As the tour moves through the lab complex they are able to >get a glimpse of the restricted area where some of the >more advanced research is done, through sealed glass >doors. Tom: I guess they aren't worried about security that much... > The professor shows them video monitors which show >the images of bio-isolation flasks where genetic >experiments are done on fruit flies. > Crow: Hey, is the Fly going to be in this? Mike: No. At least I hope not. >He says they are "using synthesized transfer-RNA to recode >the genome of the fruit fly... transferring genetic >information from one species of fly to another." > Tom: No reason of course, they're just doing it for kicks. >He points to the monitors, saying, "You can see the ten >mutagenically activated flies on the left, the ten control >flies on the right..." Mike: Fly Group A was given Rogaine and Group B was given a placebo. >Peter mentions that he only sees nine flies on the left. >While the scientist is counting, Crow: [stupid] Duh...2...3...4...5...6...Hold on, I have to take off my shoes... > the camera moves to a >high corner of the room. Caught in a spider's web, near >an air duct, is the tenth fly. Mike: Right next to it is the missing twelfth monkey. Tom: And it was not, I repeat, not saying "Help meeeeeeee..." > The spider approaches the >struggling fly and begins to dine. Mike: [spider] I'd ask you into my parlor, but I see you're all tied up! Ha! [The bots groan.] > Rack focus back to the >professor... Mike: As played by Pamela Lee. > as he continues the lecture. Tom: [professor] And that's why I can't love. Any questions? > They move on. >Peter asks if he can take some photographs for his school >paper. Mike: Peter Parker- Arachnid Paparazzi! > The group moves on, leaving him behind. > Crow: [Flash Spazbo] Hello? Hello, Mr. Professor person? Hello? >The tiny spider drops down from above on a nearly >invisible thread. Peter, below, is oblivious, as the >arachnid descends. Mike: Spider! Tom: He is our hero! > It lands on his hand as he is taking >his last shot. He feels a stinging pain and sees the >spider. He smashes it. Mike: [Peter, pathetic] Grrr! I'm the Hulk! Hulk smash! Grrr! > Stands rubbing his hand. Mike: Now he faces north. Tom: Think about direction and wonder why you haven't before. Crow: Haven't now. Tom: Before. Crow: Now. Tom: Forget it. We'll ask the Music Geek which one's right after we finish this. > Then >hurries after the group. > Tom: And who's Then? Crow: Geez, who named these people anyway? Mike: So I'd wager the percentage of spiders who eat radioactive flies that overlaps the percentage of spiders who bite people is pretty damn narrow. >Peter on the subway on the way home. He is rubbing his >hand, which is red and swollen. He is perspiring and >feels faint. His lips are dry. > Tom: And his feet stink! Phew! Mike: This looks like a job for Suzie Chapstick! >By the time Peter gets home, his vision is blurry. Crow: Same thing happened to me when I first switched to contacts. > He >goes straight to bed... avoiding Aunt May. Mike: But colliding full speed with Uncle Ben. > He pulls off >his clothes and staggers toward the bed, but collapses on >the floor. > Tom: Right on top of his toothpick model of the Eiffel tower. >He is wracked by a convulsive tremor, like a seizure. He >is plunged into a psychotropic state... Crow: That spider must have eaten an LSD-laced fly. > an abyss of dark >visions which yawns beneath him. Mike: Visions of Gotham danced through his head. > He falls into the >maelstrom, barraged by hallucinatory manifestations. Crow: Well, Pfizer did warn hallucinatory manifestations occurred in less than 0.1% of all patients. Tom: Is this a dagger I see before me? >Disturbing images of webs... Mike: Ain't It Cool News! CNet! MyYahoo! SVAM! > from a POV as if crawling >over them. Glistening eyes in the dark. Crow: Turn around, bright eyes! > Sudden predatory >lunges. Mike: [Richard Simmons] Aaand *lunge* 2, 3, 4, *lunge* 2, 3, 4. Come on work it! You call yourself a spider? You can't catch prey if you don't stretch! Now *lunge* 2, 3, 4! > Prey struggling hopelessly to escape. Tom: Linda Hamilton's divorce lawyer. Crow: Strings of sentence fragments. Mike: Outraged grammar teachers. > A David >Lynch bio-horror montage of spiderworld. Mike: Come down and visit Spiderworld! Kids under 5 ride the Arachnowhirly for free! > Shadowy images >of rooftops... crawling over buildings and fences. Tom: And Peter dreams of boot camp... >Leaping through the dark air... > Mike: As he floats down the mighty rivers of Saskatchewan! >Peter awakens in the sunlight. He opens his eyes, >relieved to be out of the nightmare. Tom: Then he realizes that he is still in this movie. Crow: [Peter] I hate this place. > That it was just a >dream. He blinks, looking around and screams. He is >about 80 feet up a high tension tower... wearing only his >underwear. Crow: [Peter] At least I'm not in class this time. > Below him, morning traffic moves along the >street. Nobody looks up. > Tom: Except those blasted sheep. >CUT TO PETER sneaking along a fence, trying not to be >seen. He hides in the bushes as two girls from his class >go by. Crow: Then he jumps out in front of them, and opens his trench coat wide! > Deeply embarrassed and confused, Peter makes it >back to his house. Tom: So, just a typical morning for Petey, then? > >He slips inside and gets ready for school. He is pale and >shaky. Crow: Like champagne Jello. > He rushes past Aunt May and Uncle Benjamin, saying >he is late. Mike: Hey, I bet he sells rice for a living. [chuckles] Crow: He's going to die, Mike. Tom: Jeez. One of the most important life lessons that Marvel gives us and you crack jokes. > He goes outside, around the house, Mike: Sees his shadow... > and climbs >into a basement window. Crow: Aw crap, sixty more pages of script. > He goes to a dark corner and >huddles there, shaking. His teeth are chattering. He >hugs his knees to his chest and drifts into semi- >consciousness. > Tom: Looks like he feels the same way. >His eyes fall on something moving in a ray of sunlight >coming in the window. Mike: Trixie, playing with her friend Sunbeam. > It is a spider, descending on a >single silken strand. Crow: And Charlotte rappels in to save the scene. > >To Peter it is like a heavenly vision, the tiny figure >filling his entire consciousness in some sort of >hallucinatory magnification. Tom: That's it! I shall become a spider to strike fear in the hearts... Yeesh! What am I thinking? > The morning sun backlights >it and it seems to glow with a golden radiance. Crow: It's going Super Saiyan! > It is >like some kind of divine messenger, Mike: Although I fail to see why Dionysus is operating in this manner. > waving its legs slowly >as if trying to tell him something. Crow: [spider] Two-legged freak! I laid eggs in your earhole, whaddaya think of that?! > He is riveted by it, >hypnotized by its otherworldly beauty and grace. > Mike: And appalled that the writer's ripping off Batman Forever. >Peter comes in the front door of the house after dark. He >passes the living room, telling his Aunt and Uncle that he >has to study. Tom: [Ben] Study what, Peter? Mike: [Peter] Turning into a spider. I mean porn. I MEAN DRUGS! I MEAN... ! Tom: [Ben] Have a nice time. > They ask him if he's okay. He says sure, >fine. > Crow: [writer] Note to self: Insert dialogue here. >Peter looks in the bathroom mirror. He looks normal. Tom: Compared to what? > He >looks at his hands. They have stopped shaking. Mike: And have turned an interesting shade of blue. > It >appears to be over, whatever it was. Tom: I wish we could say the same. > He rubs his wrists, >unconsciously. Rubbing his thumbs over the insides of his >wrists. They hurt but who knows why. > Crow: No reason, except maybe for the fact that he had a near death experience... >He notices suddenly that he can see perfectly. But that >he is not wearing glasses. Tom: Oh gee, did we forget to mention that? > He rushes into the bedroom and >puts them on... the world goes fuzzy. Mike: Satchel and Bucky are jumping all around the place... > He throws them >across the room. Rubs his eyes. Wow! The poison cured >his myopia. Tom: That sounds like a good name for a rock band. Mike: Been there. Done that. Formed in 1994. One CD, "Didn't Call, Didn't Show." Broke up in 1996. Tom: And yet you can't remember how to program the VCR. > Cool. > Crow: Of course, everything tastes like mustard now... Mike: Let's wait for the scene where he lifts his hair and sees six new eyes on his forehead. >Peter goes to bed, exhausted by the ordeal. He sleeps >soundly. The spider dream comes again. Tom: o/~ To dream... the arachnoidal dream! o/~ Mike: o/~ To dread... getting eaten by birds! o/~ Crow: o/~ To lurk... where the brave dare not scuttle! o/~ > This time rather >than a dark, roaring horror of confusing, disjointed >images... it is more refined. Tom: Cameron must have let someone else direct this part. > An aerial ballet of eerie >grace... the weaving of an orb-web from the spider's point >of view. Shimmering geometry in cold black space. > Crow: Okay, is this a movie or a Laser Floyd show? Tom: I say, a screenplay in verse. >THE NEXT DAY. Tight on Peter as he wakes up. Mike: This is like a Folgers commercial- except instead of coffee, he'll be sucking the juice from a grasshopper head. > He opens >his eyes cautiously. Not knowing what to expect. PULL >BACK to reveal that he is still in bed. Crow: But the bed is in THE GIRL'S LOCKER ROOM! AAUGH! > All is normal. Tom: Except for the push-up bra and stiletto pumps. >He breaths a sigh of relief. In fact... he feels pretty >good. Lots of energy. He pulls back the covers and... > Mike: Things suddenly take a turn for the weird. >Something is causing the sheet to stick to him. Tom: Oh no! Peanut Butter Man has struck again! > He lifts >it, revealing a sticky, white mass completely covering >him, gluing him to his bedding. It is some silky >substance webbing him into the covers. Mike: Real subtle metaphor there, Jimmy. Real subtle. > He cries out in >dismay... Crow: [Peter] Oh yuck Now Aunt May's gonna give me those funny looks again... > struggling to free himself from the gluey >strands. Where did it come from? He notices his >wrists... Mike: Wonders why handcuffs dangle from his left one... > >They are oozing a pearlescent white fluid Tom: EW, YUCK! EWWW! Crow: Who pays for product placement of nocturnal emissions?! Ick! > from almost >invisible slits about a quarter of an inch long. Mike: It's James Cameron's David Cronenberg's "Spider-Man". > He >pushes on the skin next to one of the slits and... Crow: With an ecstatic gasp, the bottom drops out of his mind. > a dark >shape, the size and color of a rose-thorn... Mike: It's a tumor! Tom: [Arnold] It's not a tuma! > emerges from >beneath the skin. It shoots a jet of liquid silk into his >face. > Crow: Sweet! Built in Silly String! >Peter screams at the top of his lungs. Mike: [Peter] THEY'VE TAKEN AWAY MY BEST PLOT CONTRIVANCE!!!! > >Aunt May comes to the door. "Peter, are you alright?" Tom: [Peter] Uh, nothing! Nothing! Just some Titanic flashbacks. >"Yes," he answers, nervously. "I'm... fine, Aunt May. Crow: I think I just became a man! > I >was just... uh... practicing for a school play." Crow: Good excuse, wrong universe. Tom: At the university, Peter must've stumbled into the seminar, Covering Up for Talking to Entities Unseen By Others, given by guest speaker Dr. Sam Beckett. >Aunt May says she's so happy that he's getting into other >activities. > Mike: Well, when you get a role like Quasimodo, good is debatable. >He gets out of bed and pulls the silky webbing off >himself, realizing how strong the stuff is. Crow: Ripping off his skin was his first clue. > He looks >again at the horrifying "spinnerets" on his wrists. Tom: Still... looks better than wearing a "Swatch". > He is >hyperventilating... freaking out. Mike: Looks like Dr. Feelgood needs to talk Petey down. > Like the guy in Kafka's >Metamorphosis, he has woken up to find out he is a bug. > Crow: Well, arachnid actually, but let's not split hairs. >Peter bangs out the back door of his house. He starts to >run. Mike: Then he dies his hair bright red, starts crossdressing and begins talking in German. > Anywhere. Trying to get away from himself. Tom: I tried that once, but everywhere I went there I was. > Away >from what is happening to him. He runs and runs in a >blind frenzy, not realizing how fast he is going. > Mike: Hey! Watch out for that- [The bots make crunching noises.] Mike: -telephone pole... >Peter shoots through the trees. Crow: Quickly passing the Evil Dead Cam. > He burst out into a >street. Mike: He cuts to the left, breaks a tackle, he's at the 40, the 30, the 20 - he *could* *go* *all* *the* *way*!!! > >Right in front of a speeding delivery truck. Crow: Ah! Peter's going to reenact his brethren being stepped on by an 8-year old. >Peter leaps. The truck roars on... horn honking. Peter >realizes he is twenty feet above the ground. Tom: Quick on the uptake, isn't he? >He yells in terror. He is sticking to the side of a >perfectly smooth building, by his palms two stories up. Mike: Boy, those PDA's get more advanced every year. >Like a cat, stuck in a tree, he doesn't know how to get >down. > Crow: Ah. He's like Mike at a dance club. Mike: Hey! >A kid rides by on a bike. >Hey! Peter yells. Kid! Crow: [Peter] What is today? Tom: [kid] Why, it's Christmas Day, sir! > Call 911! >The kid looks at him and rides off fast. Peter gingerly >pulls one palm loose... then loses traction and falls-- > Mike: [Peter] Alright I'm free! AHHHHH!!! >Landing with perfect catlike grace on feet and hands. He >stands unsteadily. > Tom: Hey, this seems familiar... Crow: If he starts flying around with his butt in the air, put me out of my misery. >What is going on? Crow: What's the buzz? Tom: Yeah! Tell us what's a-happening! > His body is changing. Where will it >stop? Crow: It's The Parker Show! Tom: Actually, Peter eventually does become a man-spider after his mutation spikes above the plateau. Mike: Tom, any more trivia and I start reciting Survivor lyrics. Tom: Fine. Sheesh. Spoilsport. > He tests his arms and legs, feeling the strange >energy pulsing through his muscles. > Mike: He's hitting puberty at light speed! >SEVERAL SCENES FOLLOW, of Peter realizing his new physical >powers... Tom: A veritable montage of discovery! > strength and agility. His horror begins to turn >to exhilaration as he finds himself capable of things he >never dreamed of. Mike: Like tap-dancing. > He finds his skinny body suddenly more >muscular, man-like. Crow: It's too bad we don't have some of those spiders up here, huh Mike? Mike: Watch it. > But beyond that he has inhuman power >in his muscles... he picks up the back end of a small car >by its bumper. Tom: Which *really* surprised the people inside... > Is he dreaming? > Crow: Or is he in Iowa? >He finds a position of his hand which seems to trip the >spinnerets in his wrist. Hand bent back to 90 degrees, >index and pinky finger extended. Mike: I could do that, but I'd rather not break my hand. Tom: [Hrmphs] Mr. Attention to Detail gets the hand position correct, but fails to notice that his beloved Science Boy Wonder has always synthesized the webbing in a home lab. Mike: Two worlds collide, rival nations... Tom: Alright, alright. I'll stop. > The fluid jets out under >pressure like a shot from a squirt gun, instantly >hardening into a strand tougher than nylon. Tom: That wasn't from the spider. That was from eating too much squirt cheese straight from the can. > He tests >it... can't break it. He even finds that it will support >his weight. He realizes it is spider silk. Crow: So why doesn't it come out of his butt, like a real spider? Mike: Crow! Crow: Hey, it's a legitimate complaint! > Peter shoots >some up a tree limb and hangs from it. Tom: His body would be discovered the next morning. Gil Grissom will be quite puzzled over the nature of the noose. > Starts swinging >back and forth... yelling with the thrill of it. > Crow: At least until the guys in the white coats get him. >CUT TO Peter at school, with his sleeves pulled down... Mike: Hiding the marks that come from using trendy Redrum heroin! Tom: Mike! No! >nervously looking around. Nobody notices him. Crow: He tells Pete about all the pranks he pulled that got blamed on Dolly, Billy, Jeffy, and PJ. > He >realizes that even though the most profound change >imaginable has happened to him, no one else knows... or >needs to know. Mike: Or even *wants* to know. Crow: Ah, he got bit by an Oliver North spider. > Which is good... because he's already >enough of a misfit. No point letting them know he's a >complete freak. > Tom: That's what the skirt is for. Crow: Heck, he's the kind you don't take home to mother. >In biology class he tells the teacher he wants to do the >term project on spiders. Tom: [teacher] Do it on paper like everyone else, weirdo freak! > Mary Jane is aghast. She thinks >they're revolting. Mike: Cuz she's a girl and all. Tom: She thinks that about K-Mart too. > Peter just wants to know more about >them. Because he wants to know more about himself. But >he can't exactly tell her that. Tom: So he gives her a sly cover story about having an arachnid fetish. > >Peter, in a junkyard after school. Crow: Constructing sentence fragments. > After making sure no- >one is around, he practices shooting silk. Tom: BLAM! Ha, gotcha, expensive designer tie! > MONTAGE of him >learning to control the flow, the diameter, the dispersion >etc., like a real spider does. We see him practicing web- >making. Mike: And making cute little doilies for his aunt. >Screwing up. Tom: Getting frustrated. Vowing revenge against scriptwriters. > Getting more accurate. Mike: Though, the writing's still as loose as ever. > Then gunslinger >moves, Crow: Waiting outside the dark tower, hangin' out with the Langoliers... > shooting the stuff around. Nailing a pop can in >mid-air. >Cut to long-shot... the area completely covered in webs. Tom: Leaving plenty of samples for Scully and Mulder. >A total mess. Crow: Somewhat like... Well, you know. Tom: Let's take a break. [The trio stands and exits the theater.] [1 . . . 2 . . . 3 . . . 4 . . . 5 . . . 6 . . . ] [As the doors open, we can see Mike leaning on the control console, sipping a cup of coffee and reading a copy of "Stupid White Males." After a moment, Crow enters, wearing a red and blue Spiderman costume.] Crow: Hello citizen! [Mike glances up.] Mike: Hi Crow. [Mike continues reading.] Crow: Who is this Crow? I'm Spiderman! Mike: Sure, sure. Whatever. What brings you to our little neck of the wood? Crow: Oh, you know. The usual fighting crime thing. Mike: There's not really much crime up here. Although there is this little gold robot who keeps stealing my E.L. Fudges. Crow: Oh, he was probably framed. Mike: I'm sure. Well, your spider powers should probably help you catch the real thief. Just like OJ did. Crow: Oh, I don't have spider powers. Mike: You don't? Crow: Nope. Mike: But yet you call yourself Spiderman. Crow: Well sure! You see, just recently I was bitten by a radioactive spider. Mike: And you gained super strength and the ability to climb walls, right? Crow: Nope. I learned that if I spoke to spiders, I could help train them. Mike: [Looking up] You can train spiders? Crow: Yep. If I speak to them in a calm and soft manner. Mike: So, you're basically a spider whisperer? Crow: I guess you can put it that way. Mike: Crow, go away. Crow: Oh ho! Evil is afoot! I'm off! [Crow exits. Mike shakes his head and returns to reading. Seconds later, Tom enters, also dressed in a Spiderman outfit. Tom moves unsteadily over to the console.] Tom: Hi. [Mike looks up.] Mike: Hi "spidey". Let me guess. You've been bitten by a radioactive spider. Tom: Yeah, it was glowing and all. Mike: And now you've got these fantastic spider powers. Tom: I guess. I just mostly feel really woozy. Mike: Oh. Well, maybe you should sit down. Tom: Yeah. I think I'll do that. [Tom wobbles offstage.] Mike: Take some Pepto-Bismol too! And maybe some anti-venom! [Mike shakes his head again and goes back to his reading. After a moment he sighs heavily.] Mike: Boy, I'm not mentioned anywhere in here. With the title, I figured I'd be a shoo-in. [Gypsy enters, also dressed ala Spidey.] Gypsy: Hey Mike. Mike: Hey Gyps. Let me guess, you were bitten by a radioactive spider. Gypsy: Huh? What are you talking about? Mike: I'm sorry. I just figured with the costume... Gypsy: What costume? [She exits. As she leaves, the movie sign begins to flash.] Mike: I probably don't want to know the answer to that one. [With a shrug, Mike hits the lights and the door sequence begins.] [6 . . . 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . ] [As Mike enters, Tom and Crow are already seated.] Crow: Mike, I think I actually ended up with Spider Snowboard powers, so I might be doing some shredding later. Tom: I think my internal organs are dissolving. Mike: Crow, you do that. Tom, if your organs do dissolve, try not to expel the remains towards me, 'kay? > >Cut to him drinking half a gallon of milk. Eating >voraciously. Mike: Liquid Plumber, beer cans, dry wall. It's all food to Peter. Crow: Soon, he'll be living in a dollhouse making fun of the bible, then wrecking Las Vegas. Tom: It's sad, really. > Replacing the protein he has used up. His >aunt is pleased with his appetite. > Mike: Up until he starts chasing the cat. >That night he is working on his homework, trying not to >let this new reality ruin his life. Crow: Goofus mutates, and neglects his studies as he explores every inch of his new powers. Gallant quickly calms down and tries to return to a normal routine. > His window is open. Tom: Allowing yummy mosquitoes to enter. >He looks out into the darkness. Mike: And the darkness looks back. >It beckons to him. The blackness, once a source of fear, >is now welcoming. He goes through the window, into the >world of night. Tom: o/~ Come and hear the muuuuusic of the night! o/~ > Instead of leaving his home, he feels >like he is going home. > Tom: We really should introduce him to Ungoliant sometime. Crow: Oh yeah, they'll hit it off for sure. >He climbs onto the roof. Mike: He begins to fiddle. Crow: o/~ When this old world starts getting me down... o/~ > He can see perfectly. He leaps >to the house next door. Tom: Scaring the bejesus out of his neighbors. > The heights don't scare him in >the least. He takes off running... > Tom: Then remembers that he can't fly... Crow: That Aztec guy ought to show up any time now. Mike: Him or Robert Culp. >TRACKING SHOT, going with Peter as he leaps from roof to >roof... running along the peaks... finally leaping to a >streetlight and doing a full flip around it. Tom: Flip *around*? Crow: That spider must have bitten Keri Strug at some point. > He shoots >some webbing onto the lightstandard and slowly lowers >himself to the street, landing perfectly. He bows >theatrically to nobody. Mike: But the grips and the gaffers appreciate the bow. >This is great! > Mike: But the French judges only gave it a 5.5. >He doesn't know what's happening to him, thinks he is a >freak, All: We agree! > his body has become a stranger. Hopefully this >will be seen correctly as a metaphor for puberty All: HOPEFULLY?! Mike: If that's what you wanted, what're you doin' in HIGH school? Junior high is where the hormones are. > and its >awakening of primal drives -- Crow: Geez. You're going to need a film degree to understand this film! > everybody goes through this >growing awareness that powerful forces are driving them >beneath their supposedly rational consciousness. > Tom: Well, *humans* do at least. Crow: [snicker] Mike: Laugh it up, guys. At least I don't run in terror when the recycling truck drives by. >SEQUENCE of Peter in the world of night. Climbing sheer >buildings... exploring. Learning. Tom: Loving. Laughing. > Leaping from roof to >roof to fire-escape to freeway overpass. > Mike: Then down to the cold, hard pavement. Now let's do a montage of Peter heading to the hospital... >Just when he is starting to get cocky, he slips off the >sheer face of a high-rise and falls. Crow: [basso] PUMAMAN! Oh, wait, no. It's Peter. > He shoots a silk- >strand out wildly... Tom: No need to be embarrassed - it happens to everyone. > it catches on something and he swings >in a wild arc through the darkness. He slams against >another building and sticks by his palms and feet. Mike: Yeah, now he dreadingly looks up to see his web strand on a 747 to Boston. > >He takes a breath, looking down. Close one, but he is >exhilarated. Wants to push it further. Tom: The suicidal part of Spiderman... > It is the first >time in his life he has ever been good at anything >physical. It is like a dream. Mike: Which explains the kangaroo doing the backstroke with Madam Lafarge over by the lollypop tree. > >We explore the idea that the lure of the dark replaces >fear of the dark... Crow: Even though we already did that a couple pages ago... > that the dark becomes a comforting, >nurturing place for Peter, rather than a place of dread >and uncertainty. He feels at home in the dark, secure >there... Tom: After all, if it's dark nobody can see what he's doing with his hands. > it is the place he seeks for solace, for peace. >Everything is backward for him. Crow: It's gnihtyreve! > Night becomes his day... >heights, previously terrifying now attract him. Tom: Now that's a weird fetish... > The air >becomes his water, he swims weightless where other mortals >would plummet and break. Mike: [Minnewegian] Oh, it sounds like the boy's all hopped up the goofballs, donchaknow? Tom: [Minnewegian] Yah, I heard that stuff'll make ya think yer head's just meltin' clean off dere. >He is at home in places others fear. Crow: Like the DMV. Or the IRS. Or the stands at a Mets game on "rusty battery" night. >And it stirs something dark inside him. >A predatory urge. Mike: Peter decides to head over to Au Bar... > >We see Peter following a figure far below the street. Tom: You mean in the sewers? Mike: Let's not jump to conclusions. > He >runs along a rooftop effortlessly. Tom: But he was just under the street... > A shadow in the >moonlight. The person below has no idea he is being >stalked. Mike: Well, if he did notice that would kind of defeat the purpose of stalking him... >We will hear Peter's thoughts (the equivalent of the >thought-bubble word balloons) as a voice over. Crow: o/~ Pop-up Movie! o/~ > He is >tripping on the power of being able to come and go like a >wraith... to watch without being seen. Tom: Oh, Spiderman's rarely used Intangibility power! Crow: Neat! When's he gonna use his heat vision? Mike: Well, they gotta leave some for the sequel ya know. > The ability to go >anywhere he wants without asking permission. Mike: Unless Aunt May grounds him. > He feels >like an adult for the first time. A man. > Tom: Well, that would explain where Spider-Girl came from. >He goes to Mary Jane's house. Crow: Something bad's going to happen, isn't it? Mike: All sign's point to yes. > Drop down from the roof and >looks in her window. Crow: Great, Spiderman's a peeping Tom. Tom: Or Bill Clinton. Crow: Did I mention that I hate this script? Mike: No, I don't think you have yet. Crow: Well, there you go. > She turns off the light, and >thinking she is unobserved, strips off her clothes. She >slips into bed in just her panties and a T-shirt. Crow: Did I mention that I like this script? Mike: Ha ha. > But >even this forbidden glimpse is too much for Peter. Mike: Peter goes into convulsions when he spots a "Maxim" at 7-11. > He >loses his concentration and with it his palm grip on the >wall. He crashes into the rose bushes. Crow: And Ozzie Nelson rushes out to see what all the fuss is about. > He is bounding >into the darkness as lights come on in the house behind >him. > Tom: Gunshots following in his wake. Mike: Durn smoochers! >CUT TO Peter, asleep in class. The teacher calls him >aside as the class files out, and asks him what is going >on. Crow: Mother, mother. There's too many of us dying. > His grades are slipping. Mike: Possibly because he was sleeping in class? > The straight A student has >slipped off the track. Peter says its a personal problem. Tom: Well, I guess being mutated would constitute a personal problem... >He should be fine. But we see that he is changing. His >life is changing. Mike: Oh, like what happened in Dharma and Greg? > >Peter figures there must be a way for him to make some >money with his new-found powers. > Tom: Of course, Peter's skills in science couldn't possibly be used to make him any money... >Peter has a piece of cardboard and a magic marker. He >writes Human Spider on the cardboard. Thinks about it. Tom: No, I don't think so. >Naw. He turns it over and writes... Crow: What is the Spanish-American War? > Man Spider. >Naw. >He gets another piece and writes Spider Man. >Naw. Mike: The Amazing Man Spider? >He turns it over to write something else, Crow: The Sub-Mariner, perhaps? > then he turns it >back. Looks at it. Mmmmm. Tom: The Dauntless Donut Man! > >Cut to the sign leaning against a light pole on the >boardwalk Rockaway. Mike: Someone should have told Peter that mime doesn't pay. > Peter has a black fishnet stocking >over his head, and dressed all in black, starts climbing >street-lights and doing gymnastics. Crow: Y'know, usually fishnets and streetlights have a slightly different context. Mike: Well - try no to dwell on it. > People throw >quarters, and even some dollars in a dish next the the >sign. Crow: Great. Now I'm getting "Attack of the Eye Creatures" flashbacks. > Peter works a few hours, Tom: Then gets carted off by the police when they find out that Spiderman doesn't have the right permits. > staking out some turf >between a mime and a guy using upside-down plastic pails >as drums. > Crow: This must be what it's like to be Ed McMahon. >A guy asks him if he works private parties and Peter >shrugs, sure. Crow: He doesn't want any details, or anything? Tom: Peter's very lonely. > The guy tells him he'll pay fifty bucks, >but Peter should get a better costume. > Mike: [man] Maybe something a little more clingy, and with a low neckline. >Peter, in class... drawing in his math notebook as the >teacher drones at the black-board. Tom: Okay kids, here's what you can do > He is doodling a >costume. We see several bad designs. Crow: He couldn't figure out where to put the pocket protector. Tom: And that gigantic thorax would only get in the way. > >CUT TO Peter working on the costume. Mike: Good thing he took Home Economics! > He buys a snappy >lycra dance-skin at a dance studio. Tom: With cute little tassels, and bright shiny buttons! > It is red and >midnight blue. With liquid thread he draws goofy web- >patterns all over it. Crow: Thus indicating he's Spiderman, and not some freak in a leotard. > A black spider on the chest. And a >big red spider on the back. He tries it on. Not bad. Tom: Apparently, being mutated by a radioactive spider destroys any and all fashion sense. > He >pulls the fishnet over his head. It disguises his >features just enough. Mike: Next, the button saying, "Hi! My name is PETER PARKER" > He cuts eye-shapes out of black >material and glues them on... big jack-o'-lantern eyes, >wise and a little wicked in their shape. Crow: Of course, now he's blind as a bat. Mike: [Pete] Here I gooooo *whumpf* Ow! *whumpf* Ow! *whumpf* Ow! Dangit! > >Last, he makes wrist pieces out of two old watch bands and >some cigarette lighters which he silver-solders together. Tom: Filled with jellignite, he straps these to his belt. His fantasy of taking out the whole school seems closer. >They do nothing. Mike: Just like Uncle Ben! > He will tell everyone he made these >high-tech wrist shooters which simulate spider-silk. Crow: Whether they ask him about them or not. > He >doesn't want them to think he's a freak of nature. Tom: So, sticking to walls and such is perfectly normal? Crow: Yeah, thanks to the Wall of Velcro! > They >are situated in such a way that his biological spinnerets >are just hidden, but unimpeded. It looks like the silk is >shooting out of the wrist bands. > All: [monotone] Ha. Ha. Ha. Your costume is ridiculous. >In front of the mirror he practices poses. Turning. Mike: Vogueing. He starts to sing "Lucky Star"... >Catching the light. Tom: Imitating Hitchcock. > He works on his voice, lowering it. >We see him becoming another person. Crow: Wally Cox! > Spider Man is born, >out of Peter the boy. Spider Man is everything Peter is >not... confident, cocky. Physical. Tom: I was just kidding about the Intangibility part. > Powerful. Smooth. >Ready with a snappy one-liner. Crow: And a witty retort? Mike: David Letterman *is* Spider-Man! > We see long-repressed >aspects of Peter coming out, Crow: He begins subscribing to "The Advocate." > being given form and >substance behind the mask. Crow: Geez Louise, the symbolism of "The Mask" is subtler than this! Mike: [Peter, but a la The Mask] Ssssppinnin'!! > >Aunt May, at the bathroom door, asks Peter when he is >going to be done rehearsing for the play... it's late. Tom: [Peter] Sorry, I'm not home right now! I'm walking in the spiderweb! Leave a message and I'll call you back! >Peter, flustered, whips off the mask. Crow: Are they doing the stage version of American Pie? > He reverts >instantly to himself. The fantasy broken. Tom: Mr. Whipper shrank back to his hidey-hole. Mike: Ick! Bad robot! Bad! > >Next we have a sequence of scenes where we see Spider Man >become a public phenomenon. He does his spider tricks at >an upscale party... climbing walls, swinging across the >room. They pay him 50 bucks. [All snicker.] Mike: Yes, the highlight of every "upscale" party, the $50 trained fool! > A booking agent sees him >and wants to put him on a public access variety show... Tom: And he's never heard from again. > a >kind of Gong Show for weird acts. He gets noticed, and >becomes a kind of 3 a.m. cult favorite. Mike: He's almost as big as the exploding robot! > His put-on deep >voice becomes natural to him. He tells the interviewer >that he built his wrist-shooters himself, Crow: Out of coconuts of course. Mike: I hope they don't ask him how they work... > and that the >webbing formula is a secret, but that the chemical process >is similar to rayon. Crow: And its name is rayon. And it shall be a good man. > >CUT TO an opulent mansion in Manhattan. Tom: Donald Trump plans his presidential campaign. > Marble floors. >Priceless art on the walls. Camera tracking through the >luxurious darkness, Crow: Past the buttery blackness into a cloyingly rich shadow. > to a vast living room with a fire >burning in an enormous fireplace. > Mike: Because having it burn on the sofa would've just been a bad choice. >One wall of the room is covered with TV screens. A FIGURE >watching it from a high-backed chair. Tom: So it's either Donald Pleasance, or Dr. Claw. > Watching the >Amazing Spider Man on the variety show. A hand appears >from behind the chair-back. Mike: Hey, it's Thing again! Crow: I was wondering when he would show up again. > With a minute gesture (and no >remote) the hand commands the TV screens, and they all >switch to the channel on which Spider Man is performing. Mike: Then the guy's wife comes in, complaining that he never lets her have control of the hand. >Twenty images of Spider Man on cable as... Tom: The sentence trails off... > >The audience claps and the host makes some backhanded >compliment. A joke at Spider Man's expense. Crow: Oh. He's on "The Daily Show." > Peter, eager >to please, doesn't get it. Mike: No surprise here. > He does another trick. Tom: Peter's been learning from Omar Sharif. > The >band strikes up and they go to commercial. Mike: This is really well funded for a public access show. > >We reveal the figure in the chair. This is CARLTON >STRAND. Crow: [laconic] Your doorman. > He is in his early forties and exudes power from >every pore. Tom: Teams of dermatologists work round the clock on a cure. > He is wearing a very expensive custom >tailored suit. His hair slicked back, very GQ. Crow: [confused] Grace Quigley? What? > His nails >are manicured. His watch is platinum. Tom: [Life of Brian] His bones are old. His back is bent. His teeth are grey. > He is the image of >vast wealth attained not inherited. Mike: So, I guess what you're trying to say here is that this guy's pretty wealthy, right? > > SPIDER MAN (V.O.) > Carlton Strand. You think Trump was big. > This guy was bigger. Crow: No comment. Mike: A wise choice my friend. > There he was sitting > like a big fat spider at the center of > his web of power and megabucks... and way > out at the edge he feels this little > vibration. > Mike: The downstairs neighbors must be playing their boombox again. >Strand's eyes are piercing, blazing with a malevolent >intelligence. Crow: A little Visine'll take care of that for ya. > He waves one hand minutely and the TV set >goes off. A man enters the room. Tom: Agent Cooper! > A square-jawed, solid >looking guy with a powerful build, named BOYD. Crow: Wow, Oil Can did pretty good for himself since leaving the Red Sox. > > STRAND > Find out everything you can about this > Spider Man. > Tom: [Strand] Then bring me one of those ice scrapers. A green one, with the brush on the end. >Body nods and exits. > Crow: Wait, which body? What's going on here? >CUT BACK TO SPIDER MAN hanging from the radio tower of the >World Trade Center. We will return periodically >throughout the film to this image of him in his eyrie. Tom: Canal? Mike: Yeah, I'll agree that it's pretty eerie, all right. > > SPIDER MAN > But he wasn't always Carlton Strand any > more than I was always your friendly > neighborhood Spider Man. At one time he > was just a punk names Carl... Tom: Another time he was Candy, a telemarketer from Oslo. > a two time > loser about to go down for the third time. > It was about ten years ago that Strand > got his cosmic tap on the shoulder... Mike: It's probably Vishnu. He keeps bugging me to loan him money. > >TEN YEARS AGO, NEW MEXICO DESERT: Tom: Thousands of people leave the Bronx. > >The wind is blowing sand across a desolate stretch of >desert highway. It is dusk and storm clouds have turned >the sky prematurely black. A single car rocketing along >at high speed. Blue and red lights come over the hills >behind it. Gaining. > Crow: So, they aren't being chased by the police, just lights? >Inside the car we see a younger and very different Carlton >Strand. Tom: Whoops! Sorry, that's Jeff Gordon. We've accidentally switched to the Brickyard 400. > He has crummy clothes, a four day beard and a >desperate look in his eye. Mike: So, basically, he looked like Steve Buscemi. > He's talking to somebody named >Bobby, trying to keep him calm, but you hear the panic in >Strand's voice. Crow: [Strand] Look, I *swear* there were TWO Whoppers in the bag when we left the drive through. Mike: ["Bobby", menacing] Yeah, but there's only one now! > >A view of the backseat reveals Bobby, slumped in the seat. >Bobby has been shot in the stomach and isn't holding up >his side of the conversation. Crow: Wuss. Tom: Heck, you can blow my head clean off and I'll still keep talking! > The desert rolls by unseen >by his staring eyes. Crow: Ray Charles? > >A Highway Patrol car pulls behind Strand's stolen Mercury. >Strand fires a pistol out the window at them. The running >gun-battle results in both cars crashing spectacularly. Mike: Details? Nah. Why bother? > >Strand leaps from the wrecked car, as more cops appear >over the hill, lights blazing. Tom: [cop] Dammit Hank, I told you we shoulda brought guns! > He runs out into the >scrubby desert clutching his pistol and a couple stacks of >bills... the pitiful score from their robbery gone sour. > Crow: At least he picked up those diapers for Arizona. >ON STRAND, running. He reaches a fence and climbs over >it. Nearby is a small cabin, with a sign on it that says >"Lightning Field House". Tom: I see Mrs. Field's has branched out to weather-related bed and breakfasts. > A man comes out of the cabin, >yelling something at him. Strand ignores him, running on >into the desert. > >He comes upon a strange place a mile further out. Mike: The Mustang Ranch? > It is a >field of stainless steel towers, straight rods over a >hundred feet high. There are hundreds of them, in perfect >rows, covering two acres. It is a conceptual art-piece... Crow: Oh, so that's why it makes no sense. >a sculpture called "The Lightning Field". Carl doesn't >know this. And he doesn't give a shit. Mike: Ooh. That could be a serious medical problem. You might want to see a doctor. > He stops amongst >the towers, exhausted. > >The cops reach the shack and the guy tells them they can't >go any further... the towers are designed to attract >lightning and if there's a strike, they'd be toast. Mike: Well, really they'd be closer to chicken strips than toast. > >Strand sees lightning strobing through the black, >turbulent sky. He crouches behind a tower, panting, >gripping his gun. Tom: Hopefully the one for shooting, and not the one for fun... > Ready to make a stand. It is full >night now, a wild howling night filled with the fury of a >desert storm. Mike: Special guest appearance by General Norman Schwarzkopf. > Thunder rolls across the hills. > Crow: Garth Brooks begins to sing about beating his wife. >Suddenly the Lightning Field is struck. Tom: Gosh, I didn't see that one coming. Crow: Hrmph. A real writer would have had a piece of were-raspberry jello show up and bite him. > As it was >designed to, it takes the energy of the lightning bolt and >distributes it from tower to tower until the whole thing >is blazing with blinding electric arcs in a huge >rectangular matrix. Crow: Now here's a good use of your tax dollars. Art that can only be appreciated in the pouring rain! > Caught at the center of it Strand is >crucified by lightning from every direction. Mike: Well, that's not really crucifixion, is it? > He is in a >vortex of electric fields never before experienced by a >human being. Crow: Unless they've been trapped in a clothes dryer with a bunch of sweaters and cats. > It lifts him off his feet with the power of >the charge. In tight close-up, we see it arcing inside >his eyeballs. Tom: Using patented eyeball cam! > The money drops from his hands... the bills >igniting into flaming moths that swirl away on the wind. Mike: So... if electricity turns people into supervillains, why do we use the electric chair? > >The cops watch the gorgeous, terrifying display. Tom: Watch lightning show or catch criminal? Hmmm? >Strand hits the ground, smoking and motionless. >The cops, watching through binoculars, know it is over. Tom: [cop] Okay, he's done. Get a shovel. And a pair of oven mitts. >It begins to rain, obscuring their view. They get out a >thermos of coffee and settle in to wait for morning. > >ON STRAND'S BODY. Tom: o/~ Carl Strand's body lies a-sizzlin' in the grave, his stench still lingers on. o/~ > Still. Then, incredibly, he stirs. He >sits up, groggy and disoriented. Crow: Hangover Man! Look! All the Pez in the world has disappeared! > >Strand escapes in the rain, finding a dirt road through >the nearby hills. He comes to a ranch house with a pickup >truck. He tries the key. Tom: Wow. This guy has Teela Brown-sized luck! > Nothing. He pops the hood and >looks... there is no battery. Mike: Just a tiny wheel and a bunch of hamster bones. > In a rage he grabs the two >battery cables. The engine starts to turn over. Crow: Then it pokes him in the ribs and goes back to sleep. > He looks >at his hands and realizes the voltage is coming from his >body. He starts the car and slams it into gear... tearing >out into the rainy night. > Tom: Only to grind to a halt as the car runs out of gas. Mike: Shouldn't Battery Boy here short out in all this rain? >He begins to comprehend that somehow he has been changed >by the powerful matrix of electric fields. Crow: Changed in a way OTHER than to a smoldering pile of ashes. > That he now >can generate a powerful charge, like an electric eel. > Mike: Or like Reddy Killowatt. Crow: He also started saying "Pika" a lot. >CUT TO STRAND walking into a back-room meeting of a few of >his hood acquaintances. It is weeks later and they are >surprised to see him. They thought he was dead. > Mike: His oil paintings had jumped in value almost 80%. >He says he was. Tom: Then he began to sing the "Sir Robin" song. > For a few minutes. He got zapped by >lightning out in the desert. While running from the cops. Crow: It also. Disoriented. His. Use of Punctuation. >Somebody set him up. The cops were waiting when he and >Bobby pulled the job. Mike: Denis Leary was even more P.O.'d than usual. > You guys wouldn't know anything >about that, would you? Crow: Hey, don't look at us! Tom: Yeah, we didn't have anything to do with it! Mike: I'm pretty sure that was dialogue, guys. > >He says he died in the desert and came back... but he came >back changed. Crow: He starts looking for angora sweaters. > He grabs the leader and stops his heart >with a zap to the chest. > Mike: But George Clooney quickly appeared with his defibrillators to save the day! >Then Strand demonstrates his power over life and death. Crow: Hey! *I* wanted that power! >He puts his hands on the guy's chest and yells, jokingly, >"Clear!" Tom: Michael? Mike: Huh? > He zaps him again and the crook's heart starts to >beat. He begins to come around. > Crow: And sues Carlton for malpractice. >Now they fear him. They start to go for their guns. >Strand blasts them with powerful bursts of electrical >energy, blowing them back against the walls. Mike: Strand's a dancin' with himse-elf. > They >collapse, their clothing on fire. Tom: Hey, this season's hot new look! > Only the leader is >left, the guy who set Strand up. Crow: [crook] So...uh, how's the kids? >Strand is clearly in total command of his new power. Tom: There were no "premature discharges", ifyaknowwhatImean. > He >explains that there is more to it than just being able to >generate, channel and project electrical energy. Mike: He can also generate a lovely new car smell. Tom: He instantly unclogs stubborn hair and grease clogs. Crow: And he now knows all the words to "Subterranean Homesick Blues". > >He can sense electrical energy as well. Tom: He starts watching static-filled channels because they have a really kickin' beat. > The world to him >has been transformed. All: o/~ Cause he's got a golden ticket! o/~ > Instead of matter, solid things, he >sees energy. A pulsing web of electric fields. Mike: The lightning turned him into Geordi LaForge? > He can >sense the current in the wires in the walls. Crow: [hood] Yeah, I got that when you said you saw energy. Can I die now please? > By laying >his hand on a telephone wire he can "hear" the >conversation. Mike: Which... considering each wire carries a thousand conversations at once is kind of useless, but still! > By touching a computer he can download the >data from its hard-drive. Tom: Wow! Downloading porn straight to the brain! Er, one of the brains, at least. > His brain itself has been >energized... Crow: Oh, now he's the Riddler! > and is now able to follow and analyze all >these signals. Mike: So we're not even going to take a stab at technobabble? Tom: All things considered, things are looking up! > The world is a pulsing circulatory system >of electrical and electromagnetic currents and waves. In >fact... he can't shut it out. Crow: He's just too full of love. > >The real power, he says, is not force but information. >Then force. > Mike: Then information again. Then back to force. Then information. Then he switches over to yodeling for a while. Then back to force. >He kills the leader of the gang and takes his place. Crow: Which is much easier to do after he set the rest of the gang on fire... >But he quickly realizes that the kind of crime these guys >were involved in was at a penny-ante level. The real rip- >offs were happening at a much higher level... Tom: Convenience stores and airport shops! > the multi- >billion dollar leveraged buyouts, corporate takeovers, >offshore bank scams. > Mike: Oh, he joined Enron. >He takes the resources of the two-bit crime syndicate and >takes them legit. Crow: They open a chain of dipped beef sandwich shops, with franchises in Rochedale, Buffalo, and coming soon to Claverack! > Then using his ability to steal and >manipulate data, he builds them into a mega-player. Mike: Of what? Who knows? But it sounds cool! > He is >utterly ruthless, brilliant, feared. And almost magical >in the way he knows everything that is going on. Tom: So being hit by lightning makes you omnipotent? Mike: It didn't work for my Uncle Roy. > Anyone >that stands in his way seems to conveniently die of a >heart attack. > Crow: I wonder what Larry King and Dave Letterman did to annoy him? >He considers the brute force display of power to be >vulgar. Tom: A string of heart attack victims would beg to differ. > The real power is the power to move the world... >through control of economic forces which are beyond the >realm of most people's imagination... Donald Trump meets >Milken, Tom: Milken Trump? Crow: Sounds like one of his wives. > mixed with homicidal psychosis. He knows he is >unique in all the world, destined for greatness, destined >to use the masses of everyday mortals for his own gain. Crow: Another one? Well, get in line. Tom: Bond Villain Philosophy 101. > >CUT BACK TO PRESENT, in Strand's mansion. A WOMAN enters >the room. She is stunningly beautiful. Tom: But dumb as a walk-in pie. > The kind of >consort you would expect for a man of wealth, power and >taste. This is CORDELIA. Crow: She's wandered over from the "Angel" set. > He motions her to him and she >glides over, but stops a foot away. > > STRAND > I must say, my dear. You look very usable > tonight. > Tom: Oh, very romantic. Crow: [Cordellia] Whatever, the meter's running. >She smiles playfully. He circles her, almost touching >her. Tom: Does this bug her? He's not touching her. > His hands move over her... inches from her skin. He >leans close and breathes in her scent. But he can't touch >her. > Crow: She's been polybagged for collectability. >She opens her silk robe. Tom: Saaaay! Mike: Suddenly, this story's become interesting! > Underneath she is wearing a >rubber wetsuit. Tom: Oh. Mike: Latex! Even better! Crow: Mike, you're scaring us. > He touches the rubber, running his >fingertips over her. We hear a faint crackling of >electricity. She seems both excited and apprehensive. Tom: Whoops! We've wandered into a "Red Shoe Diaries" script. > > STRAND > I want you. Not rubber. > > CORDELIA > No, Carl-- > > STRAND > Yes! > >Strand doesn't like the concept of no. Crow: The concept of "Baby Bob" freaks him out a bit, too. > He takes her in >his arms and kisses her. With passion. Tom: And tongue as well. > And more... her >hair stands straight out with the electrostatic charge. Mike: The part of Cordelia will be played by Macy Gray. >She begins to convulse, in tiny shivers at first but then >like an epileptic. Mike: Ugh. Tom: Cameron added this because a studio head was convinced watching women being tortured would be the "next big thing". > Suddenly she goes limp. Her eyes >stare fixedly at the ceiling. > Crow: So, she's thinking of England? > STRAND > Shit. Mike: [Strand] Didn't expect that completely foreseeable consequence. > >He drops her on a couch. Stands there in misery and >isolation. > Tom: He's in a Cure song. Mike: So...he can't touch anybody without electrocuting them? Crow: And you thought you were frustrated! Mike: ...shut up. >Strand has the midas touch. Tom: Everything he touches turns into a muffler? Crow: And here's a flashback to tell you how he got that... > He has everything and >nothing. Mike: He's Zen Man! > His electrical sense gives him the power to >manipulate computer bank transfers, the stock market, >etc... to make himself a billionaire. Tom: Actually his riches are just the accumulated savings from never having to buy batteries. > To sit at the >center of the world's great electronic web and feel its >vibrations. Crow: Remember, even though we haven't seen him for a while, this is still a Spider-Man movie. >So he has everything. > Tom: I bet he doesn't have the whitening power of bleach. Mike: In summary- Strand. A man who has everything. >But he cannot touch another person, or shake hands, >without a great effort of will to control his electrical >potential. Crow: The theory was, in the theater, the film would stop every ten seconds so Cameron could come out and explain what the scene meant. > And if he lets his guard down, in an intimate >moment with a woman, he will kill her with the high >voltage discharge. His love is deadly. Tom: His acting, more so. Mike: He's Lita Ford Man! > So he has learned >to live without love, without the comfort of human touch, >emotion, contact. Tom: 'Cuz a rock feels no pain. And an island never cries. >So he has nothing. > Crow: Except for big honkin' wads of cash. >He quickly unzips the front of her wetsuit and puts his >hands under the rubber. ZAP! Mike: Scott Baio! > Her body arches. Tom: Faking. > He steps >back, scowling. Impatient. Her eyes flutter open and she >struggles to breath. Crow: [Cordelia] Any calls while I was out? > > CORDELIA > I don't know how much more of this I can > take, Carl. > Mike: She keeps at it 'cause he makes her feel all tingly. Tom: [Strand] Cordy? Don't you love me anymore? I know that if our situations were reversed, I'd gladly let you electrocute me... >PETER STARTS slipping as a student, missing sleep... Crow: That's ok, he can make it up in class. Tom: And we missed a scene transition. >feeling the strain of a dual life. The only subject which >has kept his attention is biology, and he reads >voraciously on spiders... ostensibly for his term project. Crow: In reality, he was compensating for his deep-rooted ignorance of head lice. > >Mary Jane of course hates him for volunteering them for >such a disgusting project. Thinks he's a geek. Mike: And really, is she so far off the mark? Tom: And our guest geek, the Spider Geek! > He tries >to get her to see the beauty in spiders... Crow: Yeah, but dressing them up in miniskirts is just wrong! > how perfect >they are, how amazing, how their engineering is >astounding, how flawless they are as predators... Mike: [Pete, in a nerdy voice] And, and, and did you know that some spiders, hrm, some spiders can eat over two whole pounds of insects a day? Hm? Didja? Tom: [MJ] Ew! Um, Peter, is that a gnat in your teeth? > how >adaptable etc... Crow: [nerd] How they've seen like every single episode of Doctor Who! > how amazing their web-making ability >is... Tom: In comparison to that of, say, a dog, skink, or ocelot. > with the equivalent strength for its size greatly in >excess of steel... how they can vary the width, speed, >texture, stickiness etc. > Mike: How they turn their food's internal organs into liquid and suck them out? >He tells her how some species actually care for their >young. Crow: Until they bring some home some hotshot millipede punk boyfriend with no respect for an honest day's work! > The mother spider can distinguish the vibrations >in the web caused by her own young from the movements of >prey of enemies... Mike: Mainly by the screech as the older spider siblings give the younger ones horrendous eight-legged wedgies. Crow: Still bitter, Mike? Mike: A tad, perhaps. > they "see" by touch. Tom: Granted, distinguishing the feel of a tiny spider from some enormous bumbling wasp tangling goppy web around itself ain't exactly advanced placement calculus. > Cobweb spiders >perform stroking motions on the web to call their young, >and plucking motions to warn them of danger. > Tom: Or just to play old Molly Hatchet songs. Crow: Huh. First time I ever learned something from one of these things. >Sometimes the mother cares for the young spiderlings by >feeding them regurgitated food... Mike: Well, it's either that or Hardee's. Crow: Poor Petey never noticed how close "sparrows" was to "spiders" in his zoology book. > Mary Jane is grossed >out, looking at him like he just crawled out from under a >rock himself. Tom: [MJ] Ew! You're creepier than that Condit guy! > Somehow, in all this, he manages to make >her laugh. She actually starts to like him. > Tom: Hey, what girl wouldn't be impressed by a guy who knows his spiders? >Peter is walking out of the school with Mary Jane when >they are ambushed by Flash. Mike: Wally's just annoyed that he doesn't have a movie yet. Tom: Damn the luck, Flash got stung by a radioactive tarantula hawk last week. > He starts to ridicule Peter, >then threatens him. Peter just clenches his jaw and backs >away. Peter does not believe in violence... Crow: [Peter] Don't hit, don't hit! Please, I abhor violence! > and he has >never thrown a punch in his life. It just wouldn't occur >to him. > Mike: Oh, what a _great_ superhero. >Through a row of bushes he sees Flash grab Mary Jane by >the arm and spin her around. Crow: What the? But Peter was walking with Mary Jane just a second ago! Mike: It did say he left... Crow: So he just hops into the bushes? Mike: Apparently. > They are arguing. Flash >slaps her across the face. Crow: [Flash, slapping] YOU, will STAND there, and LET me ESTABLISH my CHARACTER! > Peter is so enraged his hands >snap a four inch tree limb without him realizing it. Crow: Gah! Make up your mind, script! Is he in the bushes or in a tree? Tom: Wow. Good thing he abhors violence and all. Mike: Flash is going to end up fed to a carnivorous singing alien plant, I just feel it. Crow: Cameron stole this plot from Kenny Rogers' "The Coward of the County". > >Flash is walking to his car after gymnastics practice. It >is dark. A figure drops silently down from behind him. Mike: Carrot Top? Crow: He's gone 1-800-CRAZY! >Flash spins and sees a guy in a black fishnet mask. >Thinking it is a robbery, Flash swings... only to grab his >own fist in pain. It was like hitting oak. > Mike: Meanwhile Pete's standing off to the side, wondering why Flash's hitting a tree. >Peter holds Flash with one hand and slaps him hard. Crow: He might not know how to punch, but Petey has a mean slap. [Everybody snickers.] > > SPIDER MAN > How do you like it? Huh? > Tom: I'd love to see the look on his face if Flash _did_ like it. >He slaps him again, backhand. Then he cocks back his fist >and BLAM! > Mike: Spontaneous combustion can strike at any time... >Punches Flash so hard he flies ten feet. He picks him up, >gets him in a painful armlock... marches him to his >beloved Porsche and slams him brutally against it. Tom: [Pete] You're taking up *two* parking spaces, you punk! > He >pounds Flash into the car until the jock collapses, Crow: He collapsed Flash's jock? Ewwwww! > semi- >conscious. Peter then rips a signpost out of the ground >and pounds the car into junk. Glass flies everywhere. Tom: He had one of those new all-glass Porsches. Mike: Well, you know what they say - "People who drive glass cars shouldn't tick off geeks with the proportional strength of a spider". > >Peter leans close to Flash and tells him to stay away from >Mary Jane... or else. > Crow: Granted, Flash is unconscious and can't hear the warning... >Cut to Peter running. He stops around a corner, out of >sight. Mike: Well, his life of not breaking the law has gotten off to an auspicious start. > In darkness he stands panting... looking down at >his hands. He rubs his knuckles. > > SPIDER MAN (V.O.) Tom: Incoming dialog! > I wonder if every hero remembers their > first punch. Mike: Or their first cotillion. > Well I do. Maybe it was all > the bullies, over the years, kicking the > skinny kid around. Crow: [Peter] Maybe I was rationalizing my inability to control my baser impulses. > All that stored up > rage just came out so fast it was scary. Tom: And being hit with all that Gamma radiation only made it worse. Crow: [Peter] SPIDEY SMASH! > For a split second I just wanted to kill > him. It's a good thing his car was there. > I always hated that Porsche. Mike: Let's just forget the fact that Flash's face now has the consistency of ground chuck. Crow: Shush, we're hating the car now. > >Peter is gasping, shaking with emotion. He feels like >this strange power flowing through him has unleashed >demons. Tom: Meanwhile in London, John Constantine feels a crossover coming on and sighs. > That he is becoming something he doesn't >recognize. Mike: A Rotarian? Crow: A Snuffelupagus? Tom: Lea Thompson? > He doesn't realize that these primal forces >are within us all... Crow: [Cameron] OK, I realize that's a broad generalization, but go with me on this one. > and the power, like the power of >adulthood... gives us the possibility of acting on those >dark urges. Tom: Uh... anybody follow that? Mike: I think I liked Cameron better when he was just cranking out Terminator films and plotting with the Masons to take over the world. Crow: Yeah, *that* at least made sense! > > SPIDER MAN > But the scariest thing of all was... Crow; That Flash seemed to enjoy the beating? > belting that jock butthead felt so good. Mike: Soon, Spiderman was punching everyone! The mailman! Car salesmen! Former Senator George Mitchell! > >Peter takes the subway to Manhattan. Tom: Thanks to Jared, he loses over 50 pounds. > Changes in a rest- >room. Soon, Spider Man is roaming the rooftops of the >most dramatic city in the world. Mike: He must be over the theater district. > The high-rises of >Manhattan become his domain. Crow: http://www.spiderman.manhattan.com > He swings across the >concrete and glass canyons, 40 floors above the street, >with ease and grace. Mike: And with Will and Grace, too. > It becomes a kind of private >odyssey, Crow: We'll get James Joyce to pinch up the script here. > where he can go anywhere and observe the entire >spectrum of human behavior like a ghost. Tom: So he's going to all his old familiar haunts? > He sees >businessmen, cops, hookers, secretaries, junkies, car >thieves, millionaires... Crow: Wow! Krispy Kreme is busy tonight! Mike: The "Hot donuts" light must be on. > all jammed together in the >concrete maze. He watches, unnoticed, through high-rise >windows... as a man screams at his children, as a >beautiful woman works out, Crow: And the camera spends 5 minutes at this window. > as a middle-aged man drinks >himself into a stupor crying, as a young woman plays with >a baby. His 17 year old mind can't make much sense of it. Tom: Nor can ours. Well, enough of that! Now back to that looker working out! >Why some have so much, others so little. Why there needs >to be so much pain. > Mike: And why does Pamela Anderson have another TV show? >Peter comes into his room through the window, in his >street clothes, at 2 a.m. Mike: The next morning, the police shoe up to investigate a possible burglary. Crow: [Peter] Darn nosey neighbor! > He sits on the bed... and the >door opens from the hall. Ben comes in and sits in a >chair. He doesn't turn on the light. > > BEN > I know I'm not very good at the father > thing, Pete. Crow: [Ben] So if you don't mind, I'm gonna head down to the pub and let Aunt May handle this. > You came into my life twenty > years past my prime time... Mike: He's a "What's Happening" guy in a "Seinfeld" world. > and I know > you're wrestling with things now that I > can't help you with much. I was your age > once... Tom: Almost three years ago. > I know, it's hard to imagine. > And it was the most painful, confusing > time of my whole life. Crow: [Peter] It gets better though, right? Mike: [Ben] ...Uh, sure! Of course! > I'm not going to > pretend to have all the answers for you, > but I want you to know we're here for you, > May and I. Mike: [Peter] Well, of course you are! It's not like you're gonna die soon or something! > You can talk to us. If you're > having problems, we'll understand. > Tom: [Ben] Well, we'll act like we'll understand. >Peter watches his uncle fumbling for the words. Mike: And Pittsburgh recovers on the 30. > He >notices that Ben's hands are shaking. He is touched. Crow: In an emotional way, and not in a Lifetime movie type of way. > But >how can he tell them what's going on in his head? Tom: Maybe through a song, like this... > Being a >teenager in the 90's is complex enough... Mike: Good thing the 90's are over, then. > Ben is obviously >thinking drugs, sex, gangs... Crow: It's all the old coot *ever* thinks about! > but this Spider Man thing >would be impossible to explain. Mike: Not really. Spider absorbs radiation, spider bites boy, boy becomes spider. > He doesn't even >understand it himself. Because he doesn't understand all >the forces at work in his mind, conscious and sub- >conscious. Tom: You know, it just isn't a superhero movie without the heavy handed psychobabble. Crow: Oy vey. > He thanks his uncle and tells him everything >is okay. Mike: "Anything," however, is not. > >Ben leaves the room, knowing he has failed. Crow: [Ben] Oh well. Maybe I can help my other brother's kid when he dies... > >Peter unbuttons his shirt. Mike: Next time on Ally McBeal... > Under it is the Spider Man >costume. He looks at the spider emblem drawn on his >chest. He takes the mask out of his back pocket and holds >it in his hand. The eyes seem to stare back at him. Tom: Accusingly. Perhaps even longingly... > >CUT TO Spider Man, creeping around a high-rise. He sees a >man and a woman arguing. Crow: It's the Lockhorns! > The man starts beating up on her >in a drunken rage. Peter can't stand to watch. Tom: So he leaves. > She cries >and tries to run but the guy catches her... hits her >again. And again. The next time he draw back his fist, >he feels something grab it and turns... Crow: And immediately gets a ticket for turning right on red. > >There is a guy in a mask there! Mike: Marv Albert? > Peter decks the guy with >one punch. It feels good to make a difference. To mete >out a little justice. To defend the helpless... Mike: To make other heroic clichés. > >Which is what he's thinking at the exact moment the woman >smashes a frying pan down on his head from behind. Tom: Ah, so it's *irony*! [Mike and Crow groan.] > > WOMAN > Leave my husband alone!! > >Now they're both beating on him, and he retreats in >confusion. Mike: Which isn't really unusual for Pete. > This spider Man thing is going to be harder >than he thought. People sure are complex. Crow: Well, people not in this movie anyway. > He has the >physical powers, but not the wisdom. Yet. > Mike: [Ben] Dang! I *knew* I forgot something I was going to say back there! >Spying on Mary Jane, the girl of his dreams. Tom: Ben and May sure did a good job raising him huh? Mike: Geez. Ted Bundy was less screwed up than Peter. > He discovers >that her home life is a living hell, with mean-spirited >and abusive parents. Crow; And just yesterday they all went to a party at Jack Taylor's. > Mary Jane is desperately unhappy... >living behind her mask of the popular girl. She has no >one to share her pain. Tom: Well, she can always go to the Mafia for guidance. > Peter is struck by the parallel in >their lives. > Mike: Pete, lots of people own Blondie albums. >Peter makes the big time. A syndicated variety show, on >one of the local independent stations. Tom: Special guest appearance by Wayne Brady. > The host >introduces Spider Man and nobody comes on the stage. Crow: Kaufmann used to do this bit. > A >beat... and then Peter (in costume) drops from the stage >ceiling right toward the audience, which screams. Tom: Then they all look for newspapers to swat him with. > Peter >swings and lands deftly on the stage. He does some >amazing Spider stuff... swinging, web-shooting, >acrobatics. > Mike: You know, non-descriptive stuff. >After his appearance on the show. Spider Man is leaving >backstage when he is approached by the most beautiful >woman he has ever met. Cordelia. Tom: Hey alright! The plots have converged! Crow: Say, is she wearing that rubber suit again? > She appears out of the >shadows and hands him a note. Tom: Deliver $3000 in small bills or else you'll see Aunt May again. > It says: THERE ARE OTHERS >LIKE YOU. Mike: Geeks in spandex? Tom: Zantax can help. Crow: Is this going to crossover with the X-men now? >There is an address and time for a rendezvous if he wants >to learn more. Mike: Along with an ad for the Federation Mobile Infantry. > >He looks up and the woman is gone. Tom: And there, on the sidewalk, lay a single red rose. > He runs out the >backstage door and sees her getting into a limo in the >alley behind the studio. He reaches the car just as it is >pulling away. Crow: [Peter] Ma'am? You left behind your note! >Suddenly a hand grabs him and spins him around. >He confronts a solidly built guy in a trenchcoat, Tom: The Question? > a hat >pulled down to shadow his mean eyes. Tom: How can we tell if they're mean if we can't see them? Crow: Maybe it's the "I'm not a nice guy" sign he's holding. > BOYD. Mike: Er, boyd. Crow: I just don't understand this new slang. > His hands are >huge. > Tom: Braggart. Crow: They're 12 1/2 inches! Mike: Stop it. >Peter tries to shrug off the grip, and is surprised that >he can't. He punches Boyd in the stomach... but his fist >sinks in up to the elbow. He pulls his hand out and sees >that it is covered with... Sand. Huh??!! Tom: Kitty Litter Man? > >Enter Sandman. Mike: And cue the Metallica. Crow: It's James Cameron vs. Neil Gaiman! >Boyd slams Spider Man in the jaw with a roundhouse >haymaker. It feels like concrete. Tom: There are dozens of old Italian men in tank tops, ridiculing his mix ratios. Mike: [Italian] Iz-za too much sand! It crumble like-a anisette toast! > That's because Sandman >can soften his body into sand, or harden any part of it >into rock, at will. Crow: Sand, rock. Pretty much the same thing. Tom: Sooo... there was ANOTHER chase scene ending at a conceptual art piece in a sandstorm, I guess. > >Spider Man is slammed back against the alley wall. Boyd >clips him again, Mike: Drawing a 15 yard penalty and bringing Spidey into field goal range. > then gut-punches him, doubling him over. Mike: Ew, half-digested fly guts, coming up! >One more solid roundhouse and Peter is on his knees, >gasping. > Tom: Suddenly Arn Anderson jumps into the ring with a folding chair! Oh, the humanity! >He looks up, groggily. He know this guy is more than >human. Tom: Is he more than meets the eye, too? > Peter yells and leaps up, putting all the force he >has into a roundhouse which could go through the side of a >truck. Mike: And if Boyd were a truck, I'm sure we'd all be impressed right now. >It catches Boyd squarely in the face... >And goes right through. There is an explosion of white >sand. >Boyd's face shifts and reforms. Tom: So his face went straight? > He brushes at the sand on >the lapel of his coat. Crow: And let's a couple kilos pour out of his pants leg. > Then laughs eerily. All: [Krankor] Ha! Ha! Haaaa! >His face dissolves again, into sand, which runs down... >his whole body losing its form, dropping into a puddle of >sand, which drains through a grating down into some tunnel >below the alley. Tom: Leaving behind his clothes. Mike: That's gonna be embarrassing. > Only the coat and hat remain, and a few >grains of sand blowing in the wind. Tom: o/~ The sand grains are blowin' in the wind. o/~ > >Peter is dumbfounded. Mike: What else is new? > He is not alone. Crow: Duh. He's in New Yawk. 8 million people, don't cha know? > There are others >with strange powers. Tom: He probably should have deduced that from the Justice League's weekly news conferences. > But it is cold comfort if they are >bastards like this sand-guy. Crow: So... Strand recruits people by having his henchmen nearly kill them? Mike: I hear Bill Gates does the same thing. > He limps down the alley to >where he stashed his clothes and then climbs into the >night. > Tom: The night is the top bunk bed? What? >The next day Peter learns that making money as Spider Man >is harder than he thought. Crow: Well, there is a recession after all. Mike: Parker? Complain to someone who didn't do temp work. > The TV shows can't pay him >cash, Tom: So they just don't pay him. > so he has the sleazy booking agent cash the checks >for him. Mike: Oh, smart. Crow: I don't know, sleazy agent sounds kinda redundant. > Peter gets his uncle Ben to drive him to the >booking agent's building, under some pretense. Tom: [Peter] Oh, I just need to see my dealer. He said he got some pretty good stuff in last night. > He goes in >alone and changes into his costume in a restroom. Peter >goes in to collect his money and the guy is broke, out of >business. The guy tells him to beat it. Mike: Then Eddie Van Halen rips into a guitar solo. > > SLEAZY AGENT Crow: Yikes! Dialogue! > Go ahead. You want to call the cops... Tom: [Agent] Whatchoo gonna do? Whatchoo gonna do when they come for you? > Call 'en. I'm sure they'll be happy to > press charges for you. The second you > take off the stupid mask and show them > some ID. > Mike: Ooh, touché. Crow: [Peter] Damn, I wish there was something I could do about this! Oh well.... >Peter doesn't want anyone to know who Spider Man is. Tom: Which is why he parades around on TV, obviously. > He >doesn't want to be revealed as Peter Parker, the freak. Mike: He wants to be revealed as Peter Parker, *MASTER THESPIAN*! >He wants to spare his aunt and uncle the humiliation. Crow: Little does Peter know that Ben and May once were known as Captain Liberty and WAC Girl! > As >long as his identity is secret, then people can go on >thinking the web-shooters are man-made gizmos... and not a >part of him which he can not take off. Tom: And that's why he can never marry Lois or Lana. Crow: I don't know why I'm saying this in a teenage mutant man-spider movie, but that logic makes no sense. > >As Peter is leaving, he encounters a robbery in progress >on the same floor. Tom: Thievery in an agent's office?! I'm shocked! Shocked! Mike: Which saves us from yet another list of Petey's psychoses. Thank you, contrivance! > The thief is wearing a ski-mask. Crow: Jean-Claude Killy! No! > He >does a double take at Peter... two masked guys staring at >each other. Crow: And then the luchedores begin to grapple. Tom: Sampson went over to the dark side. > Peter notices the thief has a tattoo of a >cobra on his hand. > Crow: So C.O.B.R.A.'s reduced to robbing banks? >The thief runs past him, and down the stairs. Mike: Mobsters begin to shoot at him as a baby carriage begins to roll down the stairs... > A security >guard runs up... Tom: Even though the robber just ran down? > a fat guy who has no chance of catching >the criminal. Mike: [snickering] Good work, Acme Job Placement Agency! Tom: May as well send Gary Coleman to be a sumo wrestler. > He recognizes the Spider Man costume and >tells Peter to go get the guy because he can't. Crow: It's time for his break. Union rules, 'ya know. > Peter, >dejected and pissed off, shrugs. Tom: [Peter] Geez man, you're acting like he's gonna kill somebody, or something. > > SPIDER MAN > It's not my job. > >Peter secretly changes and returns to the parking lot to >meet his uncle Ben... Mike: [Peter] Eh, may as well cancel Ben's comprehensive life insurance while I'm here. > >Only to find a small crowd of people gathered around >someone lying on the ground. Crow: Well, at least they got this part right. Tom: I'd be worried if they didn't. > It is his Uncle. Mike: Robert Vaughn is dead? NOOOOO!!!! > He has >been shot in the chest by a car-jacker who pulled him out >of his car and took off. Peter watches him die before the >ambulance gets there. > Tom: So... that's it. No touching last words, no tearful goodbyes? Crow: Yup. He's dead, Tom. Mike: Then some Soultakers show up and the real fun begins! >A random crime. Tom: Brisco and Logan will solve it in the next half hour, though. > Senseless. Mike: Much like this script. > Hard to solve. Crow: Unless you buy the strategy guide. Only $19.99 from Prima! >Peter becomes obsessed with finding his uncle's killer. Tom: He repeatedly tries to arrest Chow Yun Fat. >Using his Spider Man skills he begins a one-man manhunt. >For the first time we see him using his new powers for a >non-selfish end. Mike: I suppose trying to avenge your uncle's death is non-selfish. > He spies on the police, Crow: He sees Dennis Franz's naked rear more times than he can count. > taking what they >know and following his own leads. > Crow: Just like Angela Lansbury. If she were mutating into a spider, that is. >He tracks the guy down to a warehouse and goes in to get >him. Mike: Setting a new record for Superhero Relative's Death Avengance. > Peter drops into the room with the guy... who laughs >when he sees him. > > KILLER Tom: I suppose we should be glad he's not named Snivley Von Evildude. > Well. The fag in tights. Mike: Yeah, I'm glad Mel Brooks went with the other title for his Robin Hood spoof. > We keep bumping > into each other. > Crow: You sure Schumacher didn't write this? >Without warning the guy grabs a gun and shoots at Peter, >who reacts without thinking, actually dodging the bullet. Mike: Clearly, there is no spoon. >The thief keeps firing and Spider Man moves like >lightning, dodging the rounds as he leaps... [A moment of silence.] Crow: You know, I think I've seen this before... Tom: Yeah...Leaping around like an idiot, using his powers for peeping... Mike: Guys? You'll kill me if that Aztec guys shows up, alright? > firing his >web and jerking the gun out of the guy's hands. He grabs >the killer and slams him against the wall... wanting to >pound the life out of him. He hauls back his fist to >smash the guy's face in... Mike: And is stopped by a plot device. >And sees the cobra tattoo on the back of his hand. Tom: [Spidey] When did I get this tattoo? >FLASHBACK: The guy in the hall. Crow: Scott Thompson? > The tattoo. The guard >telling him to catch the guy. Mike: So it never occurred to Pete during his hunt for his uncle's killer that the crook he saw running from the building five seconds earlier MIGHT be connected in some way? Tom: "Spider Sense" seems only marginally more useful than "Barnacle Sense". > >Peter realizes it is the thief who ran past him in the >building. All: Duhhhh. > If he has stopped him then, his uncle would >still be alive. Tom: Only to die of a heart attack a few minutes later. > He could have done it. The power, the >speed, the strength, Mike: The infraggable krunkiness. > to do it... all his now. But he >didn't use it responsibly. The crushing weight of the >responsibility that goes with power suddenly descends on >him. Crow: [bored] Because with great power comes great responsibility. Tom: Um, script? That line would have more impact if someone had said it before, preferably Ben. After all, IT IS HIS ONE BIG LINE IN THE ENTIRE SERIES!!! > >He releases the guy, his anger gone. Mike: And the killer quickly runs out and tries to mug the Waynes outside the theater. > He is overwhelmed by >guilt. Crow: While we're underwhelmed by the script. > He raises his hands and shoots webbing all over >the guy. > Tom: Oh, I get it! So instead of killing him with his bare hands, he suffocates him with webbing! Crow: Sadist. >CUT TO two cops driving through the park. Crow: Meanwhile, near Ludlow, Illinois. > Spider Man >drops down in their headlights, Mike: [cop] Hey Hank, did you feel that? Felt like we ran over a Marvel superhero. > with the killer over his >shoulder. Crow: Awww. They're eloping. How sweet. > He slams the guy, bound in webbing, onto the >hood of the car and tells them he is the killer of Ben >Parker. Tom: Instantly, the cops try and arrest Spidey, since he just confessed. > Peter expects to see some justice done... Mike: In 3-5 years when the court date actually arrives. Tom: [sarcastically] Oh, you mean from the police? Whatever gave him that idea? Crow: Predictable, huh? > >But the cops aren't about to take the word of some whacko >in tights. Crow: Odd that. > The killer is wailing and trying to get free, >saying this crazy guy tied him up, HELP! Mike: Cue the fab Four montage! > The cops tell >Peter to pull off the mask. He won't. Crow: [Peter] Why did I superglue this to my face? > They tell him to >come to the station with them. Mike: [Police] We've got donuts there! > They put handcuffs on him >and start to take him in. Tom: While cuffed, Peter begins to run through his list of mental problems again... > Peter becomes furious... that >he is being treated like the criminal, when he has solved >the crime and brought them the murderer. Mike: Sure, he neglected the whole "evidence" thing, and committed several crimes himself... > When he resists, >the cops get rough. > Crow: See, in LA, someone would be videotaping this. >Spider Man breaks the handcuffs and hurls the cops away >from him. Tom: Stuntmen are hurled into fake brick walls! > They land on the pavement, and go for their >guns. Peter, cursing, leaps into the darkness, catching a >streetlight, swinging up to a rooftop, and vanishing. The >bruised cops are amazed. > Mike: [cop] Aw cripes, that's the fifth vigilante that escaped this week! Tom: [cop] And it's only Tuesday! >That night a local TV station, owned by J. JONAH JAMESON, All: [dramatically] Dum dum DUMMMMMM! >runs a story on the evening news that two cops were >assaulted by the mysterious character known as the Spider >Man. > Crow: But since it was 'the Spider Man' and not Spiderman, what do we care? Mike: You're really splitting hairs now. >Thus begins Spider Man's feud with the cops and Jameson, >his media nemesis. Crow: I thought that was Ted Turner. Tom: And thus begins our trek to the bridge. [Mike picks up Tom, and all three head out to the bridge...] [1 . . . 2 . . . 3 . . . 4 . . . 5 . . . 6 . . . ] [The Bridge] [Tom and Crow stand behind the console, chatting.] Crow: That was kinda lame. Tom: My exiting line? I thought it was pretty good. Crow: No, Uncle Ben's death. It lacked a certain "oomph" to it. Tom: It did lack a certain narrative punch. Crow: Really, it felt like we were watching someone in a slasher flick. We knew he was going to die, but we really didn't care. Tom: Plus, it was as goofy as him getting knocked off by Johni DC, Crow: How so? Tom: Um, I'm not really sure. I just thought it'd be neat to drag Johni DC into this. Crow: Oh. [Silence.] Crow: Well, enough of that. Say, Natalie Portman sure looks hot in Episode II. Tom: Crow, she's nineteen. That's a little young, don't you think? Crow: Tom, we're only fourteen. Tom: Oh, yeah. heck, I guess she is hot then. Mike: [V.O.] For shame, both of you. Crow: Mike? Tom: Where are you? Crow: You're not hiding in the air vents again? You know how we've warned you about that. Mike: [V.O.] No, I'm not in the air vents. I'm merely emulating the narrator in today's feature. Crow: You're pretending to be Spiderman? Mike: [V.O.] No. I'm the narrator! Tom: That was Spiderman, Mike. Mike: [V.O.] No, you know. The guy who keep describing the impossible to film things. Crow: That's more of a script direction, Mike. Tom: Or an author's note. Mike: [V.O.] Whatever. I'm still emulating him, 'kay? So, go about your normal business. Crow: Sure thing. So, Tom can you believe they're making "Jackass- The Movie"? Mike: [V.O.] They continued on with their mindless banter. Often people talk aimlessly when they have nothing real to say. Or if they're lonely. My cousin Earl was like that. He'd often ramble on at length about the spider creatures that lived in the ceiling. He claimed they worked for the CIA. Tom: Mike? Mike: [V.O.] In fact, he claimed that his only friend was his bobble-headed Barry Bonds doll. In fact... What? What was that, Barry? You want me to go see "My Left Foot"? Well, I know that Daniel Day Lewis was very good in it. Crow: Mike! Mike: [V.O.] What? Crow: You're rambling. Mike: [V.O.] Oh. Sorry. The robots continued to talk. They mostly discussed inconsequential stuff, but there was an unspoken undertone to the entire conversation. Their unspoken admiration for the one called... Mike. Crow: Okay, that's it. I'm going to kill him. Tom: Only if I don't find him first. [The bots begin to frantically search the Bridge. Mike continues on, unabated.] Mike: [V.O.] Oh, yes. Both of them were in awe of the magnificent being known as Mike. They loved his sense of humor. They hung on his every word. They found him to the manliest of men... Crow: Oh, please! Tom: Crow! Over here! The broom closet! Mike: [V.O.] Why after hours, the little robots would sing praises to Mike's name. Then they... hey! What are you doing? Pay no attention to that man in the broom closet! Ow! Hey! Stop that! [The movie sign begins to flash.] Mike: [V.O.] Guys! Stop! We've got movie sign! No, really! We do! Ow! Put the pipe down! Owie! [As the sounds of Mike being pummeled continue, the door sequence begins.] [6 . . . 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . ] [The bots enter, followed by a limping Mike.] Mike: It was all a joke, guys. Crow: Sure it was. Tom: Just like our beating you up was. > This can be developed over ensuing >scenes as Peter accepts the mantle of crime-fighter. Mike: Actually, he grabbed it when Daredevil wasn't looking. > >Peter goes after criminals now with a vengeance. Crow: Jaywalkers beware! > He wants >the world to have some justice... something that seems to >be lacking everywhere he looks. > Tom: So that's why he was watching Judge Judy. Mike: I was wondering about that, myself. Crow: Maybe he should hook up with Amelia? Tom: You know what? That's probably the only thing that could make this worse. >Spider Man becomes a one-man anti-crime wave. He goes >after crooks so single-mindedly and viciously that we fear >for him... Mike: ...We do? Crow: Well... nah. > for what he is becoming. Tom: Namely, a real pain in the hinder. > He seems to feed on >it, going a little nuts. Mike: Short trip. > He makes enemies of virtually >everybody. Crow: The Mafia. The Post Office. Martha Stewart. Everyone! > Except for a few grateful victims or near- >victims. Tom: And sentence fragments. > Maybe it was all those years of being the >helpless geek, Mike: I choose... the Helpless Geek! > kicked around by the schoolyard bullies, >with no one to protect him. Crow: Except for his friends from the Hundred Acre Wood. > No father. No older brother. Tom: No puppy named Scruffy. >Now he wants to be the big strong older brother to the >world. Mike: He wants to snag on the world and give it wedgies? Crow: C'mon, Mike, let it go. Mike: I'm trying, but it ain't easy. > Fix it all. Let there be no more victims... no >more pain. Crow: o/~ No more words! You're telling me you love me while you're looking away! o/~ > As long as he has this strength, these >senses... he's going to go for it. > Mike: He's gonna dance! >One night he sees cops beating the shit out of a guy. Tom: And Henry Fonda is there! >He intervenes and webs up the two cops. Crow: Whew, good thing that was resolved before any kind of tension could develop! >Now spider Man is officially a wanted criminal. Mike: Well, it's a good thing they aren't looking for Spiderman then. >And Peter has crossed the line... with the realization >that justice is something that exists only in the mind... Tom: And in the court of Judge Judy. >not in a uniform or a badge or any symbol which our >society sets up to represent it. Tom: This has been the James Cameron Message of the Day. > >And now, as a felon, he can't make any more public >appearances for money. Crow: Private shows are a different matter entirely. > He's back to square one... broke. Tom: Dirk Niblick lends him a few thou. > >Peter feels outcast, persecuted, misunderstood... Mike: Did the script just lap itself? >answerable only to himself... Tom: And Stan Lee. > and he doesn't have the >answers. Crow: Thankfully, Loveline was on the air and Dr. Drew was able to help. > He is alone in a moral wasteland, without a map >or compass. Mike: Ah. Bill Clintonland. > He is totally isolated... Tom: This is turning into a Rush song. > with no parents to >talk to, Crow: Just Aunt May, but I can see where you'd overlook her. > with no one to confide in who would understand >what's going on inside him. > Tom: Ah, just go on Springer, you could go on his 'Hideous Freaks of Nature' special. >He needs someone to tell him what to do, what to be. Crow: So he's going to get married? > And >there is no-one. He tries to ignore his powers... Mike: But those spinnerets made wearing gloves so uncomfortable. > and the >path of non-commitment is the guilt and pain of his >uncle's death. He realizes he must accept responsibility >and use his gifts, but how? > Tom: Well, stalking Mary Jane doesn't pay very well, but it has some nice fringe benefits... >The cops want him. Crow: He's just dreamy! > He can't go work with them. Tom: Cuz, Peter's a rebel, man! He doesn't follow your rules, man! > Does he >ignore the crime and injustice going on around him or >become a vigilante? Mike: If so, go to Page 78. Crow: If he gets stinking drunk and calls his ex-girlfriend, go to page 102. > >When he stops criminals in the act, the cops hate him more >for making them look ineffective. Crow: Ah, they're just jealous cuz they aren't hideous mutants. >He is condemned in the media as a vigilante. Mike: Possibly because he is. > >J. Jonah Jameson, using the media, shades the story, >creating a threat... going for the dark side, Tom: Crushing the Rebels, invading Tattooine... > peddling >fear. Crow: Hey! He works for FoxNews! > Fear of the spider, which lurks in the dark. Mike: Meanwhile, DC Comics is preparing an elite team of Hit Lawyers... > >And fear sells. Tom: Just like Beanie Babies! > Jameson is getting ratings. Tom: Waitasecond! Jameson runs a *newspaper*, not a TV station! Crow: Maybe Cameron's trying to keep up with the times. Tom: Two words, Servo - Morgan Edge! > It's a good >story and he's going to work it as long as he can. > Mike: Long after it stops being funny! >Oh, and incidentally... Crow: [author] I'm a great writer. I'm not wearing any underwear. > he still has to deal with the >actual bad guys themselves, who want him dead. Tom: No real reason, just on principle. > He's >hurting their business. He's got them looking over their >shoulders. Crow: And running up their chiropractor bills. > All the gangs in the city, and the mob, the >crack dealers, the Colombians, Mike: And, for some reason, the Boy Scouts. > everybody... Crow: Steve McGarrett, Abigail Van Buren, Kelly Hu, everybody. > they all have >a grudge against this guy. > Tom: The script writer? Mike: I don't think that's what he means. >At the same time, Crow: Rob Lowe is preparing a policy speech at the White House. > in some neighborhoods, he is a local >legend. Crime is down, and the friendly neighborhood >Spider Man is a welcome sight. Tom: You know, they say if you see a Spiderman, you won't have crime for six weeks. > And everybody wants to >claim him. > Mike: Well, the cops don't. Tom: Legions of Pokeball-wielding people are running around New York City... >Black kids think he's black. White kids white. Hispanic >etc. > >"Spidey man ain't no white dude. He too down. Tom: And the attempt at writing Ebonics fails miserably. > What I'm >sayin. Crow: ...No idea. You mind telling us? > You see his moves? He definitely a brother." Mike: Well, he doesn't move like a sister, that's for sure. >"No way, home. Tom: His name is Home? And I thought Crow had it bad. Crow: Hey! > My brother knows a guy that talked to him >once, man." >Italians say he's Italian. >Gays think he's gay. > Crow: [camp] And they just adore that costume! >Peter, working with Mary Jane to finish the science >project, discovers that she is a big Spider Man fan. Tom: [MJ] Check this out! Amazing Fantasy #15 in mint condition! And a taped complete run of the Fox series, Spiderman and His Amazing Friends, and all of the Electric Company episodes too! And here are my Toybiz figures... > She >thinks he is mysterious and romantic... someone with >courage and conviction. Mike: Someone in a form fitting costume. Crow: And what a package! > And she relates to his need for a >mask. To keep his inner self private. > Tom: Or maybe he's really ugly? Think of that? Crow: It's not like he's wanted by the police or anything. >Peter wants so much to tell her... Crow: That her hair is on fire. > but he can't now that >he is a wanted criminal. Mike: And there's this little thing called a secret identity... > >He follows her after school and she goes by herself to her >private place. Tom: The bathroom? > The place she goes to think. Tom: Like I said, the bathroom? > None of her >friends even know about it. Crow: Just close relatives and super-powered stalkers. > He watches her from a high >place. > Tom: I really wish I wasn't right all the time. >ON MARY JANE, walking home. She is being followed by some >punks. Mike: Hey! It's The Ramones' cameo! > They accost her. Crow: Looks like she stumbled onto a vicious gang of Jehovah's Witnesses. > There is no one around to help. Tom: Except Moby- Scourge of Crime! >She screams and they drag her off the street into an >abandoned junk-yard. > Tom: An abandoned junk-yard in the middle of New York? Crow: Maybe that kid with the Guyver armor'll save her. >Suddenly, Mike: Nothing happened. But it happened suddenly. > Spider Man is there. Crow: With the Bugaloos! > He trounces the attackers >and webs them up. Mike: In one line, no less! Tom: Almost Ratliffian! > He knows by now that without a crime >actually taking place, the cops won't even hold these >guys, so all he can do is warn them. Crow: [Peter] Hey, I'm the one stalking her dammit! Find your own! > > SPIDER MAN > If you worthless chunks of vomit show > your faces around here again, I'll > decorate my Christmas tree with your > intestines. Tom: Folks, the Vertigo version of Spidey. > Got it? Mike: [hood] But we can commit crimes in other neighborhoods, right? Crow: [Spidey] Sure, sure. What do I care? > >They get it. Mike: Hey, they used the smart thugs for this scene! > They're still worthless chunks of vomit, but >at least they'll be somewhere else. Crow: Knowing my luck, they'll be on my rug. > >He picks Mary Jane up and whisks her through the air, >swinging from roof to roof. Tom: [Mary] Watch out for that... [Mike imitates a thunking noise, followed by a crash.] Tom: [Mary] Tree... > It is a wild fantasy ride for >her... like a dream. Crow: Or maybe a drug-induced hallucination. > He takes her to the top of the top >of the world... literally. Mike: They're going to visit Santa? > The stainless steel globe from >the '64 World's Fair in Flushing Meadow Park. They sit up >there in the moonlight. Crow: Then Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones show up with blasters and ask them to move along. > she melts against him. Mike: She's seen the changes, but it's getting better all the time. > And with >the confidence which the mask gives him... he kisses >her... through the fabric. Tom: [John Carradine] Now kiss me hard, through the mask! Crow: And we thought Chase was weird... > It is a tender, sensuous >moment. > Tom: If you like kissing Gortex, that is. Mike: Otherwise, it's just creepy and kinda sad. >PETER, in costume, goes to the rendezvous point. Mike: Um...transition please? > He is >met by Cordelia and Strand. Crow: And a rousing game of hang man ensues. > This begins the most >important relationship of the film. Mike: Yeah, who cares about the fogies or the love interest? We've got Megavolt and Latex Lass! > >Strand is looking for others like him. Crow: And placing an ad in The Village Voice didn't work as well as he'd hoped. > Exceptional >people, people who have been touched by fate, through some >cosmic fluke. Tom: ...are pretty lucky. The people in this though... > People who have been given some power which >elevates them above the teeming masses. He describes >finding Boyd, who was doing nickel and dime bank jobs with >his new powers as Sandman. Mike: [Carl] We've got him up to a quarter now! > >Boyd apparently was a low-paid maintenance man Crow: At the local police precinct. Little did they know he was really Hong Kong Phooey. Tom: Brace yourself, guys. Here comes another origin sequence. > at a big >military research project having something to do with SDI. Tom: That something meaning they delivered coffee to the actual scientists. >They were experimenting with a quantum physics effect >called bilocation. Mike: Any second now, Scott Bakula's going to pop in. > They thought they could find tunnels >in the fabric of space, Tom: A project to merge Madeline L'Engle with Irwin Allen. > and transpose matter between the >two ends of the tunnel... essentially teleportation. Crow: Clearly a vital component of any anti-missile... wait a minute. Tom: Hey, didn't they do that on Sliders? > And >this would be a really neat way to deliver a weapon >payload to the bad guys, inside deep bunkers etc. Crow: The pizza delivery possibilities are mind boggling! Tom: So, it's SDI, as in Sadistic Dangerous Idiots. > >Well, Boyd was fixing some pipes in a service tunnel under >the main floor of the experiment and nobody told >maintenance that day that they were going to test the big >collider that generates the bilocation effect. Mike: His pointy-haired boss probably lost the memo. > >Somehow, things went wrong. Crow: When do science experiments in comics go right? > There was a runaway reaction, >then an explosion, and Boyd got hit by the effect. Mike: Later, he sues Stan Winston! > He >transubstantiated with the sand underneath him in the >crawlway. Tom: Did we mention there was sand on the floor? No? Oh well. Crow: Lutherans argue that Boyd merely had a *symbolic* communion with the sand. > His molecules and the sand molecules took on >each other's characteristics. > Mike: And it chafed him like you wouldn't believe... >Boyd wasn't happy about what happened. Tom: Ah. "Perfectly Rational Reaction Syndrome." > Especially when he >told the project doctors and they wanted to lock him up >and study him. So he dissolved under the door, and >escaped. Crow: Couldn't they use a vacuum or something? > They even tried to shoot him... Tom: 'Cause sand is in this year, and Boyd looked faaabulous! > but the bullets >went right through. He turned from a mean-spirited little >guy with no power to a mean-spirited guy with incredible >physical power. Crow: Ah, sorta like Newt Gingrich. Tom: Did we mention this guy had a bad attitude *before* his encounter with the sand? No? Oh, well. > Needless to say he wasted no time abusing >it. > Mike: Kind of the point of power, isn't it? > >FLASH BACK SCENE: Boyd robbing an armored car. Crow: Was it full of nickels and dimes? Cuz, you know he does nickel and dime jobs and... Tom: We got it. > > The guards >fire into his body, but only puffs of sand mark the exit >wounds. He turns his fist into a rock-hard sledge-hammer. Mike: Don't ask how he can do that, it's sort of personal. >It actually looks like a sledge-hammer. Tom: He will be your testimony. > He swings >it, All: FORE! >knocking the guards flying. In a fury he beats his way >through the steel doors of the truck and takes the money >bags. Tom: Their uncle must sell the Boardwalk and Park Place hotels to raise the ransom money. > >CUT TO: Boyd in a cheap hotel. On the lam. Mike: o/~ Sand on the run! Sand of the Run! o/~ > He has some >stacks of money from the robbery on a dresser. [Everybody snickers.] Mike: [Boyd] Oh that? That's just my laundry. Crow: Great way to avoid notice, Boyd! > A tough- >looking girl is in bed next to him. Tom: Tonya Harding? > He is drinking vodka >straight and looking about ready to eat a snake. Mike: He's in the mood for authentic South Western cuisine. >He gets up to find another bottle. The girl brushes >distastefully at the sand in the bed. She hates sand in >the bed. > Crow: Better in the bed than other places. >There is a knock and Boyd warily answers the door. >It is STRAND. Tom: Randall Flag? Here? > >IN THE PRESENT, Strand describes how he took him in, and >showed him a better way. Crow: Soon Boyd was selling Avon cosmetics for a living. > How the real money was made. Tom: Pirating cable? >Now Boyd is Strand's right-hand, his enforcer. He >apologizes for Boyd's behavior the other night, Mike: [Carl] He was just supposed to rough you up a little, not a lot. My bad. > but he >felt it was necessary to get Spider Man's attention. Crow: By making him automatically distrust you? Tom: He must have learned villainy at Goldfinger's School for Morons. >Frankly, he was curious to see if Spider Man had the balls >to fight back when the adversary was as strong as he was. Tom: Well he had to choose between fighting and dying. Personally I think he made the wrong choice, but... > >Peter realizes how much he has changed. Mike: He can do things now! > How much the mask >has changed him. Crow: It made him hate Jim Carrey and lust after Cameron Diaz. > He did fight back. He acted on his >anger... and his anger made him fearless. > Tom: Moments later, Abin Sur showed up and offered him a ring. >What does Strand want? Crow: Would a rubber girlfriend comment be in bad taste? > Somehow he senses, though he does >not know who Spider Man really is, that he is young. Tom: The propeller beanie was a big hint. >Strand wants to take him under his wing. Teach him. >And Peter, needing a father figure, is seduced by this. Bots: Yech! Mike: [Hank Hill] The boy just ain't right. Crow: The Graduate II- My Son is a Spider! >Strand has had years to ponder the nature of his gifts, >and he is so brilliant. Tom: [baked] Especially when you're stoned man! > The things he says make so much >sense. > Mike: He's much better than Cats. I'm going to see him again and again. >Strand believes that they are extraordinary individuals >joined by fate. That's why he sought out the Sandman... >and now wants Spider Man to join. Tom: Boy, Oprah's Book Club is really high pressure. > Out of 5 billion >people, they are the special ones... not freaks, but Crow: Geeks instead. >masters... each created by a fluke of technology. It is >some new form of evolution. Tom: Well, a Hollywood form of evolution. > >Strand invites him to the Manhattan mansion. Peter has >never seen such opulence. Strand sips a martini and >strokes the electric eels in his huge aquarium. Mike: Remember folks, he's not a freak. Crow: Well at least it isn't a white cat. > Peter >stares around at millions of dollars worth of art and >antiques. > Tom: Mentally calculating the street value. >Strand says the whole Spider Man costume and character are >pretty juvenile, Mike: [Strand] Look at all the pimply-faced kids who buy your comic books! Crow: [Peter] Hey! I resemble that remark! > and wants to know who he's really talking >to here. He asks him to remove the mask but Peter won't. Tom: Peter has learned the second lesson of being a Superhero. The first lesson is always dry clean. > >Strand expands his vision of the "special ones". Crow: And then asks Pete to donate to the Special Olympics. > >The huddled masses exist, Tom: Out there, yearning to be free and all. > in their vicious ignorance and >limitations, to lift a few exceptional people on their >shoulders. Mike: Victorious coaches and Paul Hogan. > However unwillingly. Crow: The starving homeless are forced to give piggy-back rides to billionaires! > >That's what human evolution is all about... the highest >common denominator, not the lowest. > Mike: I can't believe Darwin missed that! >Natural selection honors the efficient predator. And >Spider Man has the instincts of a predator. Crow: A predator or a hung-over frat boy. > The top of >the food chain is always held by the most advanced >predators that millions of years of evolution could >produce... noble creatures like the wolf and the lion, not >the cud-munching herd beasts... > Tom: Oh, that's blatant vore-ism! >We honor competition right? We honor winners. >But for every winner there must be a thousand losers. Mike: Ew. Thousands of Tom Greens... >It's a law of nature. So you must ask yourself... am I a >winner? Or a loser? > Crow: Or are you just there to compete and have a fun time? >It is the temptation of power. Tom: o/~ It's the thrill of the fight! o/~ > A carefully rationalized >seduction. Mike: Oh, so we're going _there_ again? > But Peter also sees a kindred spirit in >Strand. A gifted and misunderstood outcast. Tom: Just like Ted Kazcinsky. > Alone. >Peter feels so alone he needs that companionship. And it >keys in psychologically... the father figure. The older >brother. Mike: The little sister. The drunken uncle. Crow: The Madonna. The whore. Tom: The postman. The Iron Chef. >Someone who understands him. >Cares about him. Doesn't think he's a freak. Mike: Jerry Springer? > >We are more than human, you and I. Crow: Well I already knew that. Mike: I'm not sure, but I think that's dialogue... Crow: So? > Not less. We deserve >whatever we can take. It is the only true law. Tom: [Bobo] The Lawgiver says so! Crow: Gee, that's eerily dead-on. Tom: Not as eerie as your impression of Brain Guy. Crow: [Obs.] Oh? Mike: Gah! Stop it, you two! You're giving me the heebie-jeebies! > The law >that existed for half a billion years before the laws of >man. > Mike: The Law of the Trilobite! >Cordelia comes on to Peter, trying to get him to relax. Tom: Sheesh, I can't think of anything that would make him _more_ tense. Crow: [Peter, shaking] M-miss Cordelia, are you seducing m-me? >Strand watches as Cordelia does her thing. Mike: [Cordelia] Hey Peter! Watch me get electrocuted! > Peter is >starting to get a bad vibe. Crow: [Peter] Hey! A spider just bit me! Mike: Just in case you haven't picked up on the fact that Petey is a bit slow. > Strand takes him aside and >says if Peter joins him he can have his fill of Cordelias, >they come with the territory. Crow: Yeah, they sell 'em in six packs down at the 7-11. Mike: I think you mean Corona's. > >Strand holds a lightbulb by its base, between two fingers. Mike: Oh, he's doing his Uncle Fester bit! >He holds it over Peter's head and makes it glow. Crow: [Peter] Thanks, but it's not helping. > > STRAND > Starting to get the idea, kid? > Mike: [Peter] Yeah! We could make a blues band, and travel all over the place! >Spider Man says he's not interested in a girl Crow: So, what's with his Mary Jane obsession, then? Tom: It's not her, it's her clothes. > with values >that screwed up, and he's not sure he likes Strand any >more either. > Tom: A brief moment of lucidity from Pete! >Strand makes the mistake of going too fast. Crow: Duh. At least take him to dinner and a movie first. > Of assuming >that Peter will accept his amoral view of the world >immediately. Mike: Well, he did seem to be gullible enough... > When Peter finds out that Strand is a crook, >he says they are enemies. All: Bum, bum, BUM! > Strand says Spider Man cannot >afford any more enemies. Mike: After all, Pete is still giving milk money to that kid who bullied him in 3rd grade. > As a demonstration he blasts >Peter across the room with a bolt of power, stunning him. Tom: [Peter] Hmm. He zapped me. Is he trying to come onto me? >He tries to remove Peter's mask, but Peter fights back. Crow: Vaguely, of course. >He dodges energy blasts by leaping to the ceiling, the >walls, etc. Tom: Then he does a power bomb by hitting D,D,U,L,R,B,B,A. > Each blast cost Strand millions as he >destroys his own place, Mike: He's the Elvis Presley of super-villains! > growing more frustrated as he >tries to hit Peter and can't. Tom: Then how about you stop blasting? > The spider sense is keeping >him just out of the line of fire. > >Boyd comes in and the carnage intensifies. Crow: No, really? I thought he was going to settle this over a spot of tea! > Peter gets >zapped and almost loses consciousness. Crow: When he wakes up, he's telekinetic and costarring with Scott Baio! > He shoots a web, >snagging the huge aquarium, and topples it in an explosion >of glass and thousands of gallons of water which cascades >around Strand's feet. Strand is temporarily shorted out. Mike: Just forget about the part where he petted the eel. >The eels flop helplessly. Tom: Much like...Ah, I haven't the heart to finish. > >Spider Man ducks the Sand Man's blows and leaps through a >window out into the night. Crow: [Peter] Thank you deus ex machina! > Boyd cannot follow. Tom: Well he could, but only for a few seconds, then gravity will catch up with him. >Strand looks around the demolished room. He is pissed off >but intrigued. > Mike: [Strand] Hmm. I seem to enjoy breaking things. I'll have to look into it. >He picks up some of Peter's stray webbing. Pulls on it >with all his strength. Can't break it. Hmmmm. Crow: [Strand] Silly String? > >Strand begins a campaign to win Spider Man. Tom: He calls Peter late at night, leaves threatening messages on his voice mail, then apologizes... >First he buys the TV station and gives J. Jonah Jameson >and unlimited budget to bash Spider Man. Crow: TV station? What about the Daily Bugle? Tom: I think this might be the marvel version of WGBH. > > STRAND Mike: Uh-oh. Dialogue. Tom: Wow. We're 90 minutes in with only six bits of speaking. > Here is what you will do. You will fixate > on Spider Man. Crow: Just like I do! > You will devote every > program solely to him. Mike: Soap operas! Friends! The Weakest Link! Everything! > You will not rest > until this psychopath is arrested and his > identity is revealed. Crow: [Strand] You will make farm animal noises whenever you hear the word taco. > He is a menace to > the public. Trust me, your ratings will > soar. > Tom: Unless they're opposite West Wing. >He gets stories on network, and into major magazines and >papers owned by his media conglomerate. Mike: Meanwhile, Iraq steals the Statue of Liberty and nobody notices. > >Strand's agenda is to make the world such a hostile place >for Spider Man that Spidey will be driven back to him. Crow: Or he might figure out who's doing it and go after you...nah! >Strand can say, see how fucked up people are? Tom: I blame the script. > See how >frightened and dangerous they can be? Mike: See how well they go with sour cream? > He wants to sour >Spidey on humankind. > Crow: At some point, he's going to dis Pa Kent, and then Clark's going to rough him up big time. >Then he wants to be there for him, as the only one who >understands what it is to be different from the herd. Mike: He and Janeane Garofalo. > To >be truly alone. > Tom: [sniffling] o/~ All by my self... o/~ >He even gets thugs to dress up in knock-off Spider Man >costumes and rob stores, beat people up. Push down old >ladies. Mike: Steal newspapers, drink from the carton, talk in movie theaters... > There is a proliferation of Spider Man sightings, >all negative. > Tom: The government blamed it on swamp gas and weather balloons. >Now even the neighborhood people don't trust Spidey. When >he tries to help they tell him to get lost. Tom: [old man] Go away! Crow: [Peter] But sir, you're on fire! Tom: [old] Scram I said! > >To make matters worse, his costume got wrecked in the big >fight with Strand and Sandman. Can't be fixed. Mike: Luckily Petey knows how to accessorize. > He goes >looking for a new suit and... Crow: [Peter] Hey, here's some black stuff! I bet I can make a costume out of this! Hehehe, it's moving around too! Cool! > >Incredibly, Spider Man has become so popular that his >costume is available in a specialty store for 120 bucks. Tom: Spandex is expensive... >They even have his size. Peter shrugs and buys it. Crow: Made in Latveria? > What >the heck. It's made better than his old one anyway. Mike: [Peter] Thank you, Deus X. Machina Costume Shoppe! > >He gets the flu one day and he still has to go out and do >the Superhero bit. Tom: Couldn't he get his buddy Ben Reilly to cover for him? > He's swinging from building to >building and has to stop on a ledge and throw up. All: EWWW! Crow: How can the city not embrace a mutant spewing radioactive hurl down on the masses below? Mike: Just the thing to strike fear into the criminal mind. > A black >kid sticks his head out. > Tom: [kid] Hey, we don't puke outside your window do we? > KID > Hey yo, hey yo, Spidey. S'up, man? > Mike: And the cast of "Boondocks" makes a cameo! > SPIDER MAN > I've got the flu. > Crow: This isn't going to turn into a commercial is it? Tom: I hope the kid doesn't give him Nyquil, they'll be scraping Petey of the pavement. > KID > Hey yeah. 's'goin' around , man. > Mike: [kid] Kinda like my accent. >The kid goes back in. His mom asks who you talking to? Tom: [kid] Geez ma, I can't understand ya without your quotation marks. > > KID > Spidey got the flu, mama. He puking on > the fire escape. Crow: Tell the lousy bum to get a job! And don't give him any money! > > MOM > Well you tell him to "spidey" his ass on > over to the next building and throw up > there. Tom: The disturbing thing is, Cameron chose THIS scene to provide dialogue. > Shit, it's bad enough with the > wino's in the neighborhood... Mike: Yeah, something oughta be done about those out of work superheroes. Tom: I saw the Green Hornet rummaging through our trash last night. I gave him a fiver and sent him off. Poor guy. > >Peter is disheartened by the ungrateful response of the >general populace to his well-meant attempts. Crow: Why, Thor pukes on a building and they throw him a parade! > And then he >hits a string of bad luck, Tom: Ooh! A Black Cat cameo! Meow! > where his intervention makes >the situation worse, because of his lack of experience in >human affairs... Crow: [Pete] Well, he had her pinned in the back seat, and she was screaming real loud - what was I *supposed* to think?! > the sheltered science nerd gets a rude >education in the ways of the world. Tom: So he dives headlong into an insect porn addiction. > He comes in contact >for the first time with the pain, desperation, and >frustration which causes criminal behavior. Mike: [Peter, whiny] Geez, being a superhero is *hard*! > >Peter will have a crisis of faith, Crow: It says so, in the script. Right there in fact. > where the burden of the >world's ills becomes so overwhelming that he feels >paralyzed. Tom: It's SpiderIronside! > His new power is partially about the power to >see, Mike: Because he's...CORRECTIVE VISION MAN! > and the responsibility to not turn his head away -- >he can go into the shadows, look in the windows, watch us >all from above... Crow: Remind me to take out a restraining order when we get out of here guys. Tom: Wow, Super Peeping. > and he will see human nature for what it >is. Crow: Namely, that humans are a bunch of stinkers! Tom: Isn't that right - *Mike*?!? Mike: [mumbling] Well, here we go again. > He will enter a moral twilight zone where the victims >and the crimes are not so clear cut, Crow: [Cameron] Trust me, when I have time to think about this it's gonna be SO cool. > where it is hard for >a well-meaning crusader to jump in and help or save when >the victims must be saved from themselves, Mike: Oh, like people who watch "Friends". > or from a >society which grinds them down. Tom: Call the Church Police! > And how can one man, one >boy really make a difference? Crow: With big, honkin' guns, of course! > The tide of injustice and >pain is too great... too overwhelming. > Mike: Geez. We've veered into the script for a Bergman film. >Like an avalanche thundering down on him... until he >starts to think there are no good people to save. Tom: But what about Don Knotts? > Only >varying degrees of bad. Crow: o/~ Because they're bad, they're bad, shamon! o/~ > That the whole city is a toilet >of greed and dark passions. Tom: Much like this script is a toilet of metaphors and clichés. > >He busts some thieves only to find out that they are just >a bunch of kids, like himself. Mike: Oh, so Pete's a thief? Crow: Well, not *exactly* like him. > One of the kids runs, >trying to escape, and slips off a fire-escape. Tom: [Cameron] You're just going to have to imagine it since I'm not creative enough to describe it. > Peter >tries to catch him but he can't. The kid hits the street >and dies. Crow: Heck. I was hoping that would have been Chuck Taine. >Just kids. Needing some money in a tough world. Tom: They were just going to spend the dead liquor store owner's money on button candy, wax bottles and jujubees. > Just >like him. Crow: So they're shooting webs and bouncing from light Posts too? > The line between good and evil is getting >blurred. Mike: So those were good criminals? Like Robin Hood? Tom: I think he's trying to say they're good because they're Peter's age...don't ask why. > >Aunt May can't make the house payments on just her social >security check. Crow: We bring you to this scene, already in progress. Mike: Life Insurance? Hah! That's for wimps! > Now with medical bills piling up. Peter >is going to have to get a job. Let's see... Tom: Oh, they're making Arachnophobia 2! > there's Pizza >Hut. Or the car wash. Crow: Or writing dialogue for movie scripts. > Or... mmmm. Mike: [Homer] Unanswered questions. Drool... > There's always the >20,000 dollars in twenties and fifties sitting on the >coffee table of the drug-dealer's house he just dropped in >on. Tom: It's still there? How much time has passed, a couple months? Years? Give us a clue here! >There won't be any objection from the drug dealers, who >are all webbed up and waiting for the cops (who will take >credit for the bust). Crow: Later, Spidey is wanted on obstruction of justice charges for taking evidence. >And there's the money. >Go on, take it. > All: [chanting] Do it, do it, do it, do it... >Aunt May needs that operation. Tom: Those saline implants will make her feel so much younger! > Her medicare won't cover >it. Crow: Damn you lack of healthcare reform! >Why should she suffer in pain? Mike: Hey Pete, Dr. Death's on the line. > Maybe die? >There's the money. Tom: Just sitting there, looking coy and all... > Nobody would know. Crow: Alan Greenspan would! >Spider Man can move like a ghost. Mike: Being ghost-like is one of the spider's main attributes, after all. >And Peter would have a little extra cash. Tom: I guess drug dealers don't make much anymore. Crow: It's the recession. >Stop having to ride a moped or take the bus. Mike: But, but, Vespa's are cool! >He could buy a car... and take a girl on a real date. Tom: Well, there's still some things money can't fix. > >That would show those sosh buttheads with the dentists and >lawyers for dads... Crow: Yep, them high-falootin' dentists. Mike: Yeah, try using your fancy mercury amalgams to fill the cavity in your soul, ya damn tooth leeches! Tom: Um... Mike? Mike: Lousy snobby dentists, with their Muzak and their college degrees. They make me mad, is all! > the smirking laughter of all the >Mindys and Mandys and Sandys would finally stop ringing in >his ears. > Crow: Ah, a little insight into our author's school life! Mike: Although Bobby, Corey and Candy would still beat him up at lunchtime. >He is hovering on the brink of going over the line... Crow: Of the last straw of tipping the balance of the point of no return. > of >becoming a criminal himself. He sees the opportunities >right in front of him. It would be so easy. Tom: Becoming a telemarketer would be even easier. You don't even need to leave the house. > >CUT TO: TOP OF THE WORLD TRADE CENTER... Crow: Cool! A Tourist Guy picture! I love these! Mike: No, Crow. Too soon. > >Spidey's lonely vigil. Still hanging upside down, over >the world of bright lights and chaos. Mike: You know, instead of fighting crime and such. > > SPIDER MAN > I figured being your friendly > neighborhood Spider Man would get easier > as I went along. Well... I'm waiting. Tom: o/~ For a crook like you! To come into my life! o/~ > >CUT TO SPIDER MAN, his hands reaching slowly for the stack >of bills. He looks into the eyes of the drug dealer. Crow: Through the eyes of a drug dealer, the world looks magical! And blurry too! > > SPIDER MAN > What the hell are you looking at?! Mike: Robert DeNiro is Spiderman! > >He leaps out the window with the money. > >CUT TO next morning. A parking lot in a bad neighborhood. >Asphalt, chainlink and graffiti. Kids playing basketball. Tom: Some fat guy in a milk carton hecklin' them. Mike: Hey, you suck! Drink milk! > >Suddenly hundreds of bills come fluttering down into frame >like green snow, scattering far and wide on the wind. The >kids chase the bills up and down the block. Crow: The outdoor production of "It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World" is a huge success! > It is an >instant celebration in the whole neighborhood. Mike: Well, it being Cinco de Mayo helped. > Somebody >looks up in time to catch a glimpse of a red and blue >figure swinging between rooftops. Tom: Bless you, Papa Smurf! > > SPIDER MAN (V.O.) > What was I gonna do? Track down all the > crackheads and give it back? Mike: [Spidey] Or donate it the local community center? Get real! > Anyway, I > figure there's more than one way to be a > saint in this world. Crow: Coming soon, Donald Trump: Sainthood. > But I've gotta tell > you, even fighting Sandman was easier > than turning that bag upside down. Crow: Well that's not a nice thing to call Aunt May. Tom: Let's get outta here. [The trio exits the theater.] [1 . . . 2 . . . 3 . . . 4 . . . 5 . . . 6 . . .] [The crew is gathered behind the command console.] Mike: Well. Crow: Yep. Tom: Uh-huh. [Silence.] Crow: I guess we need to say something. Mike: It is kinda expected of us. Tom: Yep. [More Silence.] Crow: I guess I'll start. What I don't get about this mess is why Strand? Spiderman's been in hundreds of comic books but yet the best Jimmy can come up with is this lame cross between the Donald and a bug zapper? Mike: Come on, Crow. Cameron knows what he's doing. Tom: I have to agree with Crow on this one. I mean, we could be watching Spidey fight the Kingpin or the Green Goblin or Venom right now, instead of this guy. Say, I bet we could've gotten Arnold to play Doctor Octopus! That'd be great! Mike: Tom? Remember Mr. Freeze? Tom: Oh. Yeah. Nevermind. Crow: The point stand, Mike. This guy's lame. Voice: [O.S.] Now just one second, True Believer! [The trio spins towards the hex-screen, which opens to reveal...] All: Stan Lee! Stan: Excelsior! Mike: Mr. Lee! What brings you to our little neck of the woods? Stan: I just heard you berating our latest Marvelous movie! Crow: Oh, gosh. We're sorry, Mr. Lee. It's just that... well... Tom: The film sucks, Stan. Mike: Tom! Crow: It sucks hard, Mr. Lee. Mike: Crow! Now both of you apolo... Stan: Now hang on, Mike. They're right. This film sucks monkey turds. [the trio is stunned.] Mike: Ex... excuse me? Stan: The film bites, Mike. I mean, I was tempted to put "Spiderman Created by Alan Smithee" at the front of the credits. Tom: Wow! This is really unlike you! Crow: Usually, you're a huge booster of all Marvel products. I mean you even liked "The Punisher." Stan: No, I didn't. All: What? Stan: It was horrible. Dolph was all-wrong for the role. And those idiots couldn't even figure out a way to put a skull on his chest! A t-shirt, body armor. Something would've worked! Tom: Say, what about Corman's Fant... Stan: Lord, don't even get me started on that one. And Howard the Duc... Voice: [O.S.] Blasphemy! [The trio gasps in shock as who should appear behind Stan but... ] All: Stan Lee? New Stan: The one and only! The miscreant you see before you is none other than my evil twin, out to besmirch Marvel's good name! Evil Stan: Oh, be quiet you wet blanket. Crow: Excuse me, Mr. Lee? Your evil twin? Isn't that a bit clichéd? Stan: What, like you don't have one? Crow: Never mind. Stan: My evil twin will stop at nothing to badmouth fine Marvel products! He must be stopped! Evil Stan: I've had about enough of you! Henchmen! Attack! [Hordes of identically clad henchmen leap out of nowhere and attack the good Stan lee. We'd describe the battle to you, but in the spirit of this script, we'll just say it's impressive. Mike, Tom and Crow shake their heads and turn back towards Cambot, who zooms in on the trio.] Mike: I guess we should probably stop that. Crow: We might as well. But how? Tom: I'm thinking a John Woo-esque gun battle. Crow: Nah. Let's do a tribute to the 1960s Batman show. Mike: I've got an idea more in the spirit of things. I'll just zap "the package" down to Mr. Lee. [Mike presses a button on the console and steps back, smiling.] Crow: Mike? Package? Mike: Just watch. And no, it's not that. [Back on the viewscreen, there's a loud *pop* and suddenly hordes of brightly colored packages fall from the air. The henchmen gasp and run after them.] Tom: Is that? Mike: Yep. Hostess fruit pies. Crow: Haven't we already done this bit? Mike: Probably. I've lost count, really. Tom: But how? Mike: Oh, a fan sent it to me a while back. Something Ottoman, I think it was. His note said I might need it someday. And then, he warned me about gerbils... Evil Stan: I'd stop badmouthing Marvel for the great taste of Hostess Fruit Pies! Ooof! [The "ooof!" comes as Evil Stan is clobbered by the non-evil Stan Lee.] Stan: Mike! Thanks for your help. Mike: No problem, Mr. Lee. Stan: You know, I've got some pull with NASA. A lot of them are big fans. Maybe I can help get you do... Mike: You know, Me. Lee, I really liked your books when I was growing up. Especially the Flash. Man, he was cool! Stan: [dryly] Yeah. Well, thanks for the pies, Mike. Mike: Hey, no prob! [The hexfield closes. The bots stare coldly at Mike, who's oblivious to their glares. The movie sign begins to flash.] Mike: that went well. Tom: Mike, you really are an idiot. Mike: What? What did I do? Crow: Later. Right now, WE'VE GOT MOVIE SIGN!!! [Mike hits the button and the door sequence begins.] [6 . . . 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . .] [Mike and the bots enter and take their places.] Mike: So, you're saying I should have complimented Green Lantern instead? Crow: [Sighing] Never mind. We'll send you through the remedial course in comics after the experiment. > >Meanwhile, Strand is analyzing the Spider Man sightings >and incidents. Mike: [Strand] Hmmm... drug den, bank, whorehouse, whorehouse, whorehouse...I wonder if there's a pattern in all of this. > He of course, knows which ones are real >and which are faked to discredit Spidey. Tom: That would be the 'Milken' part of him, right? > He has his >analysis people plot everything on a map of the greater >New York area Crow: Soon they've discovered that there's a huge island in the middle of downtown! > and they see quickly that Spider Man's >activities seem to center on Queens. Crow: That means that Spidey must be Kevin James! > Strand tells his >minions to concentrate their search there. Mike: [Strand] We'll find that Spiderman...and his little Spiderdog, too! > >CUT TO Mary Jane doing a TV interview. Tom: [Mary Jane] So, I should say something? Why are you pointing that camera at me? Am I on TV?! > She is introduced >as a local high-school girl who actually met and talked to >the Spider Man. Mike: [reporter] But we'll refer to her as "The Soshy Girl." > She has come forward, she says, because >she is outraged by the beating he is taking in the media. Mike: Those Carville-authored attack ads were just over the top! >Spider Man saved her, she says, and he is a kind, gentle >man. Crow: [MJ] And you should feel his pecs! Mm! > He is a hero, and we should be thankful he is here. Mike: Years from now, Macy's will replace their trademark turkey float with a Spidey one. > >MARY JANE goes alone to her private spot. Tom: Lady Footlocker! > She is sitting, >thinking, when she hears something behind her. She turns >as Spider Man drops down to her, and gasps, Crow: As it's too late to stop the trigger on the snub-nose semi-automatic she's carried since the mugging. > startled by >his sudden presence. Mike: And the gallons of after-shave he's using. > She feels a rush of excitement as he >offers his hand to help her up. Crow: Excitement, and not hormone driven lust. > > SPIDER MAN > Do you still trust me? > Mike: I mean, my stalking you hasn't turned you off, right? >Her answer is a kiss. Sweet and soulful... their lips >separated by the sheer fabric of the mask. Tom: I can just see Torgo lumbering in with Gwen Stacy in his arms, right about now. > She can feel >his breath on her face. > Crow: Well, she could if he wasn't wearing a mask... > MARY JANE > Where are we going? > Mike: Nowhere. Crow: Man, I wish I was you. > SPIDER MAN > It's a surprise. Tom: Cut to the Duluth Public Library! > >CUT TO: The Brooklyn Bridge. A stunning aerial shot. Crow: We'll just let the director come up with something here... > A >tiny shape swinging in an arc, racing past the support >cables, sweeps toward us. Mike: Steve Brody, no!! > It is Spidey, with MJ in his >arms. Crow: Michael Jackson just gets weirder and weirder. > He shoots another web strand, swings to one of the >stone towers, and races up the side. She is light as a >feather in his arms. She screams like a kid riding >Colossus, Tom: Gee, I imagine that organic steel must chafe... > in fear and exhilaration. > Mike: Oh, she's just riding the Tilt-O-Whirl. >They pass us. Her screams continue, fading as he carries >her up to the dizzying heights above us. > Tom: Something tells me he's going to need another dance skin. Mike: [Peter] No Mary, to the side! The side! >ON TOP OF THE BRIDGE TOWER. Hold a beat. Crow: Then we let the beat... um, drop. > We hear screams >approaching. Mike: Looks like they aired the Battlefield Earth 2 trailer. > Spidey appears and sets her on terra firma. >She clings to him, looking down and around in wonder. Tom: [MJ, dully] Gosh. The top of a bridge. >He has put the world at her feet. Crow: Groveling in abject terror no doubt. >She can't believe this is happening to her. Mike: Yes, believe it or not, she's walking on air. > >In a dizzying down-angle we see how the suspension cables >all meet radially at the top of the tower... like the >treads of some vast spider web. Tom: It looks cool, and is structurally unsound! Mike: [Bored] Oh, look. Another use of spider imagery. > Peter and MJ seem to sit >at the very center of the web, surrounded by the lights of >the city. It is a warm spring night. And the moment is >pure magic. Crow: Except for the blasted pigeons, filthy rats with wings! > >She stands with her back against a girder, needing to feel >something solid. Mike: Solid, like the fine insurance that you get from Allstate! [The KA-CHING! noise from a cash register can be heard in the background.] Tom: Oh, Mike. Mike: What? I need the money! > Spider Man stands before her, a >perfectly formed male silhouette with a soothing low >voice. > Crow: Russell Crowe? Tom: How can you tell? He's in a body stocking, for cryin' out loud! Mike: Yeah. The best view is fully lit, and from the front. [Beat] Not that I'm the type to notice such things, of course. Crow: Suuuure, Mike. > SPIDER MAN > Courtship among the spiders is highly > ritualized. Tom: The male begins by performing the song "Lady". > It varies from species to > species. Mike: [Pete, whiny] Um... I'm going to concentrate on those species where the girl spider has a bottle of Lubriderm? > The male spider may circle the > female, or wave his front legs... to > signal that he is not prey. Crow: And not "Hey baby, check out the size of my ovipositor!" > >Spider Man moves in a hypnotic arc around her. He raises >his hands in a dance-like movement. Lowers them. Mike: [dramatically] These are spirit fingers! Tom: [MJ, unimpressed] You've never done this before, have you. Crow: [Spidey] Shut up! I have too! A billion times! > > SPIDER MAN > The female usually signals her > willingness by an uncharacteristic > passivity. Tom: Sometimes wine coolers can speed up this phase. > >MJ takes a deep breath. Her lip trembles. Her knees are >weak. Crow: o/~ She can't seem to sta-and on her own two feet. o/~ > Her eyes, though, are steady, gazing at the >silhouette before her. She doesn't move of speak. Tom: Nor does she talk a muscle. > He >moves closer. > > SPIDER MAN > In certain crab spiders, [All snicker.] Mike: [shaking his head] Oh, Spidey, pick another species guy. Crow: Not the time or place to be talkin' 'bout crabs. > such as Xysticus, > the male will attach strands of silk to > the female... tying her limbs... Tom: Ahhh, the dreaded Sharon Stone spider. Mike: Okay, why does Pete know so much about the sex life of spiders? Crow: Do you really want to go there? > >Spider Man moves his hand gracefully across her, and she >sees the sheerest silk webbing glinting in the moonlight. Mike: [MJ] Do you have this in taupe? I was hoping for taupe. >First one wrist. Then the other. Hypnotic movement in >the moonlight. Her arms are bound to the wall. Crow: Well, good thing there are script doctors, 'cuz this one's really sick. > Her >breathing gets more rapid. > Tom: Yep. Hollywood's changed the central tenet of Spiderman from "From great power comes great responsibility" to "Mary Jane's really into bondage." Thanks, Hollywood. > SPIDER MAN > Since the female can break free at any > time, the bonds have only symbolic > significance. Crow: Of course, mine can hold a speeding truck immobile. > > MARY JANE > The male must be very bold... Mike: ...or a frat boy... > to take > such liberties with the predatory female. Crow: [MJ] Spidey... um, I have a confession to make. I'm the "Frat Boy Killer" the Daily Bugle's been writing about. > > SPIDER MAN > Yes. He is very bold. Tom: Like the bold new taste of Cheetos' Xtreme Salt-Crazed Nacho Flayvah-Puffs! > But he must also > trust her. > (he moves very close) Mike: [Spidey] Trust me, idiot. > Close your eyes. > >He removes his mask and kisses her. Their mouths very >slowly and very sensuously devour each other. > Crow: Yes, it's Jim Cameron's "Zombies in Love". Mike: A creepy makeout scene- another "Pumaman" homage. >Peter and MJ are locked together. He is mesmerizing, >gentle, powerful. He pushes up her skirt. Mike: Great Scott! Spidey smut! Crow: The *real* reason for this script. Tom: o/~ And crash! Into me! o/~ > They make >love, high above the world. >She doesn't look. Crow: She just thinks of England. Mike: [Spidey] Um... you WILL devour me afterwards, right? > >CUT TO MARY JANE the next day at school. She is humming >happily as she lets a tarantula walk over her arm in the >science room. Tom: The weird thing is, the school doesn't own any tarantulas. Mike: [MJ] Hey big guy, what a big thorax you have... > Two of her sosh girl-friends come up and >are completely grossed out. Tom: Again with the "sosh"! Crow: Maybe it's supposed to "Suess". Mary Jane belongs to a clique that wears big striped hats and eats green eggs & ham. > They talk about Peter Parker >having a negative effect on her, that she's becoming a >nerd like him. She laughs at them and tells them exactly >how full of shit they are. Tom: Turns out, they're exactly 73.83% full. Mike: Movie cliché #62: Once you fall in love with a nerd, you instantly turn on your popular friends. > >We see that she is becoming more confident herself... more >able to be different. Crow: More flexible and open to exotic ideas. Mike: She begins to see the allure of black lipstick and Celtic tattoos. > The brushing need for Mike: Paxil? [Cash register KA-CHING! The bots groan.] > acceptance >has been lifted. Her mask is not important anymore. Crow: Dark Horse will be pissed. Tom: [MJ] Oh, it would be so neat if I were carrying his egg sack. > >CUT TO STRAND, in his luxurious living room. Boyd is >showing him a videotape he shot the night before. Mike: Lovely. But why do I need to see video of your 6 month old granddaughter? > It is a >shaky, long lens shot, quite amateurish. We see Spider >Man drop down to MJ, startling her, then he and MJ >kissing. Crow: [Strand] Boyd, did you really need to splice soft-core porn music in the background? Mike: [Boyd] Aw, boss... > Finally he hoists her in his arms and swings off >into the darkness. Tom: Yes, it's very stylish, but could you please learn about framing? > >Boyd says he followed the girl for two days, but it paid >off. Crow: And he only needed to follow one of the 4 million girls in New York to do it! > Looks like she's this spider geek's main squeeze. >Carlton Strand just nods. Thinking. > Mike: [Bluebottle] Thinks thanks to brains, new wonder head filler. >The Sandman comes to MJ that night and puts her to sleep. Crow: Then he recites a flowery soliloquy. >When the chloroform wears off, she wakes up at Strand's >place. >A prisoner. Tom: Mary Jane *is* Patrick McGoohan! > >When MJ turns up missing, Peter goes to her house. He >finds traces of sand in her room, and figures out what has >happened. > Mike: She's been abducted by cats! To the theater district! >At that moment, Jameson is airing a tape which was >submitted anonymously to the station. Tom: It's a tape of Yerko gloating how she controls the Neo-Zero. Crow: [Yerko] Not even your pathetic Sailor Spidey can save you now! > It is Boyd's tape, >but the kiss has been edited out so what you see is Spider >Man dropping down, surprising MJ, and then whisking her >off into the darkness. Mike: Spidey or Peter Pan? You make the call! > The announcer says police have no >other leads in the case of the missing girl, and this tape >is compelling evidence that Spider Man may have kidnapped >her. > Crow: Oh, and he also took care of Jon-Benet Ramsey too. >Meanwhile, Peter swings into action as Spider Man. >Various action shots of him swinging from skyscraper to >skyscraper. Eating up the miles across town. Mike: What miles? He's in New York! It's like 4 miles across town! > >He arrives at the mansion in midtown. He searches the >mansion... can't find them. But he finds Cordelia dead. Crow: This is why they put warnings on those dry cleaning bags, lady. >Strand was in a hurry, didn't have time to jumpstart her >after his farewell kiss. Tom: Wow, her job really sucks. Crow: Especially since it takes him all of one second to do it... Mike: Not that we're in any position to judge of course. > The huge bank of TV monitors all >show the same image. It is Strand's smiling face... held >in PAUSE from a VCR. Crow: So, he must have left in the last five minutes, or else we'd be seeing ESPN on the banks. >Peter hits PLAY. Tom: SpiderMoby is on the prowl! > >Strand pulls MJ into the frame with him. He says meet him >at the top of the World Trade Center. > Crow: So, they're going to fight on the ground? Tom: Ouch. This is uncomfortable. Mike: Yeah. It's still way too soon. >A second later the doors are kicked in. Tom: Alright! Give up Elian and no one gets hurt! > SWAT team members >pour into the room. Another set-up. > >The SWATs see Spider Man, the body... it looks bad. Mike: Yeah, what with the tape showing a kidnapping, and the electrocuted body and all... Tom: I dunno. I think they should send the SWAT team after the Fly and send the SMASH team after Spidey. > > SPIDER MAN > Sorry boys. Can't stay. Crow: Yeah, he's ready with a snappy one-liner, all right. Mike: Peter needs to get bitten by a radioactive Jon Stewart. > >They open fire and Peter leaps, spins, ducks... barely >escapes. He swings across the room in a vicious arc, Tom: ...only to swing back in front of the SWAT team again. Then he has to escape again, only to swing back in front of the SWAT team. Then he-- Mike: We get the point. >swooping up and crashes out through a sky-light. Crow: Ooh, ran right into Batman. Tom: That's gotta hurt. > In mid- >air, surrounded by broken glass, he fires a web and >catches a flagpole... Mike: The flagpole screams, "I woulda gotten away with it if it weren't for you meddling spiderkids!" > swinging across the street, as... Tom: Oblivious New Yorkers go about their daily business? >A Police helicopter swoops toward him... Crow: He's surrounded by ellipses and... >Cutting his web, and... Tom: Creating an amusing new segment on America's Funniest Home Videos? >He falls ten stories, shooting strands, missing... >Shooting one, which catches and he does a bungee bounce at >a hundred miles an hour... Mike: Cutting him in half due to the pressure... > straight back up... >He spins around a horizontal flag-pole sticking out the >side of a building and launches himself across the street. Tom: Gymkata! >Now he's in the groove, swinging across town like a Spider >Man should. Crow: If he knows what's good for him, that is. > >ON THE NEWS, the manhunt for Spider Man is the top story. Mike: After the weather, we'll tell you about a big purple guy threatening to eat the earth. >His escape from the police, the kidnapping of Mary Jane >Watson, and now the murder of Cordelia... it's all >stacking up against him. Tom: Reports indicate he was last seen in his Spidey-Bronco, heading for the airport. > Live feeds from news helicopters >show cops in the streets, police helicopters circling. Crow: And here comes the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man down Broadway! >One of the copters even got a fleeting shot of Spider Man >on the move, in the canyon between two rows of buildings. >But they lost him. > Mike: Yep. He's hiding behind Godzilla. >PETER reaches the World Trade Center towers. He starts to >climb... Crow: Not terribly hard to do given their current state. Tom: Actually, this script stinks so bad, it might cover up the stench from Ground Zero. > racing up the sheer metal face of 2 WTC like he's >never climbed before. > Mike: Wow! Just like in the old Activision game! >He crashes through the glass into the observation deck >(closed). Tom: Conveniently, no extras-- er, civilians are around for the fight. > There he confronts Strand, who is holding MJ. Mike: Dude! Like, let her go! Tom: [Cameron] Ashton! You're over on set three. Sheesh! >Peter tells him to let her go and Strand shrugs. Crow: [Strand] Oh darn, time to give up quietly I guess. > > STRAND > I don't care about her now that you're > here. Tom: [Spidey] Oh yeah? Well I don't care about YOU now that I'M here! > She was just a lure. Mike: [Strand] And you fell for it, hook, line, and sinker! Ha! I'm such a card! > (he let's go of her) Crow: She pulls a gun and shoots him. Roll credits. > It's hard to get a meeting with you, > young man. > Mike: [Strand] It seems like you're trying to avoid me, Peter. >MJ goes to Spider Man. She seems to be okay. Tom: A near-catatonic emotional mess, but okay. >Strand comes over to them. He gestures to the world laid >out at Peter's feet, like it's something he made just for >him. Tom: Spidey never suspects he actually bought it off-the-rack at Dillard's. > The city glitters like a billion jewels, as far as >the eye can see. > > STRAND > Relax, kid. Crow: And Derek Zoolander leaps towards the Indonesian Prime Minister! > I just want to talk. > > SPIDER MAN > About what? Mike: [Strand] Life insurance. You know, you're in a real high-risk job and need the security that insurance provides... > > STRAND > About you. About your career. Crow: [Strand] About your overbite. Are you covered for dental? > Think of me > as a kind of guidance counselor. So let's > take your chosen field... hero. Tom: [Peter] Well, I would have picked the cleric but they're hard to play right at the beginning. > See? Bad > choice. I'm recommending against it. Crow: Have you thought about Dread Piracy? > > SPIDER MAN > It's not up to you. Crow: [Spidey] I make my own decisions! Right, MJ? Mike: [MJ] Take the deal, freak. Tom: [Spidey] I've decided to take the deal, Mr. Strand! > >Strand goes to the window and looks down. Crow: [Strand] Pity. Boyd, kill him. Mike: [Peter] D'oh. > He puts his >hands on his hips, surveying the world below like some >wise lord. Tom: [Strand] Hey Petey, think I can hit that bald guy? [imitates spitting] > > STRAND > Think about it. You can't save the world. > Why? Crow: Cause everybody knows what's going wrong with the world, but I don't even know what's going wrong with myself. > Because you can't save people from > themselves... from their own brutal and > venal natures. You're either a predator > of prey in this world. Mike: Or Kato Kaelin. > A killer or a > victim. Crow: Sometimes to the media, you're both. > People are by nature violent, > stupid, confused, greedy. Tom: What about Sleepy, Dopey, and Grumpy? > Why waste your > gift on the ungrateful masses, who would > love to see your mask ripped off and see > you dragged through the slime. Mike: Just like what happened with El Santo. > The only > thing they love more than a hero is to > see that hero fail, fall, screw-up... Crow: So you have a thesaurus. So what? > to > see him exposed in a scandal, arrested > with his pants down, caught with his > hands in the till. Mike: Wow. That's Robert Downey Jr. to a T. > You know why? It lets > them feel better about their own > miserable lives. > Tom: So it's like the man keeping us down? Crow: Ummmm... no. >He turns dramatically to face Spider Man. He moves >closer, his voice hypnotic. Crow: [Strand, deep] SLEEP! Tom: Hrmph. Now Cameron's ripping *me* off. > > STRAND > It's a myth that people need heroes. > People hate heroes! Mike: I'm sure the FDNY would agree. > Heroes make them feel > bad! By creating examples they can never > live up to. Tom: Wow, so heroes are the cause of society's collapse. Crow: Who knew? > As long as the media can show, > day after day, Tom: [Strand] Alone on a hill... the man with the foolish grin is keeping perfectly still... > that the people they > respect and admire are just as twisted > inside as they are... they're reassured. Mike: And it's good entertainment! > They can sleep at night. They can face > their puffy faces in the mirror in the > morning. > Tom: But who would want to? Crow: [Strand] But then, I'm not really a people person, so what do I know? >MJ looks at Spider Man. It is impossible to read his >expression through the mask from her perspective Mike: The perspective an addle-pated spider fetishist. > (though >by clever lighting we will be able to see the uncertainty >in his eyes). Crow: Didn't you know? Good lighting makes anything possible. > > STRAND > Misery loves company. And everybody's > miserable. Tom: It's Morrisey World! > You run around in your long > underwear coming off to them like some > holier than thou saint, Mr. My Socks > Don't Smell... Crow: That's the lamest superhero name I've ever heard. Mike: And judging by the movies we've seen, that's saying a lot. > you're heading for a big > fall. They hate you. Mike: Even as they cheer you in adulation. Tom: Pretty ironic. > >Strand step up to Peter. Tom: [Strand] Ok, I'm doing it! Sheesh. > > STRAND > I want this to work out. You're a smart > kid. Crow: Compared to the rest of the cast... > Like those phony bracelets. That was > a good idea. > > PETER > (alarmed) > What are you talking about? Tom: [Strand] Search your feelings. You know it to be true. Crow: [Peter] No! I'll never serve you! > >Strand puts his hands on Peter's shoulders. > > STRAND > Son. I know your secret. Tom: [Peter, desperate] You got it all wrong! Miguel is my nephew! My NEPHEW! > See... I had the > web material you left all over my living > room analyzed. It's real spider silk. Mike: [Strand] My unsubstantiated hunch paid off! Crow: You've got zillions of spiders in those bracelets, don't you?!? > >He grabs Peter's wrist and rips off the fake wrist- >shooters. Looks closely at his wrists. Crow: And Petey just stands there? > Bends the hand >back, forcing the spinneret to poke out a little. Mike: The Spinnerets are that new boy band that covers old hits by The Spinners. > Mary >Jane looks a little shocked at that one. Peter sees the >fear in her eyes and his will seems to collapse. Tom: [Peter] Those? Just some accessories, I swear! > He sees >the everything she feels for him changing in a second. >It's true. He is a freak. He is no longer human. Mike: Of course those statements aren't exactly related with Peter. Crow: By now, Strand would have been beaten up by Captain America, Iron Man, Luke Cage, Luke Perry, Aunt May... > > STRAND > You can take off the costume, Mike: [Strand] Aaah! No! Not here, ya perv! > but you > will always be the Spider Man. Crow: [Strand] You can take the man out of the spider, but you can't take the spider out of the man. Tom: Without elective surgery not covered by your health insurance, anyway. > > SPIDER MAN > It's just Spider Man. Crow: And somewhere out there is Unjust Spider Man, his evil goateed twin. > > STRAND > The point is, you are not a hero. You are > a spider. Mike: You are so beautiful - to me! Tom: YOU - ARE - A - TOY! Crow: I am not a spider - I am a human being! > It's something you don't have a > choice in. And spiders are predators. > They kill to live. They kill to live. Tom: So to sum up - they kill to live. Mike: Let's not jump to conclusions. > They are not hampered by humanitarian > ideals Crow: Spiders- Nature's perfect used car salesmen! > or impeded in their lethal > efficiency by delusions of morality. Mike: Neither are penguins. What's your point?! > They > are pure. Powerful. As God made them. Crow: Ironically, God subcontracted spider-making to a GM unit out in the Philippines. > There are no merciful spiders. There are > no vegetarian spiders. Tom: Flies are murder, man! > It is now time for > you to face and accept your true nature. > Crow: Yep, you're nothing but a great big giant loser geek. Tom: Sorta like Nelson, here. Mike: Oh c'mon... Tom: Just face and accept it, Mike. >Strand turns again to the window, this time putting his >arm around Peter's shoulders. Crow: [Strand] Works every time, heh heh heh! > Father and son, staring >down at the world they can own. > Mike: Especially if they act now, while interest rates are so low. > STRAND > Join me. Tom: [Strand] I *am* your fath- oh, wait, I'm not. Strike that. > Together we can shake this > two-bit planet down for its last nickel. Mike: The Truman Capote Players proudly present their version of the Star Wars trilogy! > Take what is rightfully yours. Tom: Make a second trip to the salad bar! > You have > been given a great gift, for a reason. Do > not squander it. Crow: You know, swap his spider powers for a piano, and this is basically the same movie as "Shine". > >Peter stares out at the vista for a long time. It all >makes so much sense. Mike: [Crow] Jif *does* taste more like fresh roasted peanuts! > And it seems to explain so much of >what he feels. All this churning confusion. Tom: [Peter] Look, am I going to get hot monkey sex or not? > >Strand gestures to Boyd, who walks to a shape in the >shadows nearby. Crow: Anna Nicole Smith! > Its about the size of two refrigerators >and its covered by a tarp. Crow: Hey, I was right - it *is* Anna Nicole Smith! Mike: Nah, Petey's about 80 years too young. > Boyd pulls back the tarp to >reveal... > Mike: Two refrigerators! Crow: Anna Nichole Smith! Tom: Another tarp! All: Oooooooh! >Money. Neatly stacked bankslipped, piles of hundreds. Tom: [Slim Pickens] $100 in rubles, $100 in gold, nine packs of chewing gum, 3 lipsticks, 3 pairs of nylon stockings...shoot a guy could have a good time in Vegas with that stuff. >Six feet tall by eight feet long. Mary Jane gasps. Crow: [MJ] Um, Mr. Strand? If he's not interested, just let me run home and get my radioactive spider, and I'll... > > STRAND > Of course I seldom carry cash, but I had > Boyd bring this for demonstration > purposes. Mike: [Strand] This tarp, and many like it, can be yours! > Much more dramatic than a bank > statement, wouldn't you say? Crow: Gotta agree with him there. > > MARY JANE > How much is it? Mike: [Strand] About thirty-five bucks at Home Depot. Tom: [MJ] Not the tarp, the money! > > STRAND > It's about... what is it, Boyd? Crow: It's money, a system of economic barter based on faith in a governmental issuance of commodity substitutes. But that's not important right now. > > BOYD > Two hundred and fifty. > > MARY JANE > Thousand? > > STRAND > (insulted) > Million, dear girl. Million. It's all I > had lying around on such short notice. Crow: That ranks right up there with, "Oh, this old rag?" for the Line Displaying the Most Patently False Modesty of the Filthy Rich. Tom: [MJ] Tell me, Strandy, do you believe in love at first currency - I mean, sight? > (to Spider Man) > Of course it's chump change compared to > what you and I could do together. Mike: Because spider powers can earn you money, how? > It's > out there. All we have to do is take it. > You know how I get this? Crow: [Strand] By reading e-mails at home. Let *me* show *you* how easy it can be! > It's a half a > cent here, a half a cent there... Mike: Pretty soon, you've got a penny! > electronic transactions taking place a > million times a second... all over the > world. And nobody misses it. That's the > beauty. Tom: Linda Hamilton planned all of this? Crow: Sounds like Jimmy has some issues. > > SPIDER MAN > You know, I took some money once. All: *Once!* > It was > easy. It was just sitting there. Tom: [disturbed] Mocking me... like it was BETTER than me or something. > It was > the solution to all my problems, and > there was nobody to stop me. Nobody could > touch me. So I took it. Mike: This is a pretty dramatic build-up for finding a quarter on the ground outside the post office. > And you know what > I found out? > > STRAND > What, son? Crow: [Spidey] Monopoly money only buys things in Monopoly games. > > SPIDER MAN > That there is a line you don't cross. Tom: A teamsters' picket line. > And > that sometimes you only find the line by > tripping over it the first time you cross > it. Mike: [Spidey] I find me a lot of lines. > But once you do, you always know > right where it is. Crow: [Spidey] And that if you pick up that line and keep it in your pocket, it'll get all tangled and knotty, and then you have to cut that line with a pair of scissors, and - and - ah, shoot, I lost my train of thought! > > STRAND > Oh, please! Next you're going to tell me > you gave the money back. Mike: Huh? Nah, I just invested in a paramutual fund. > > SPIDER MAN > More or less. > > STRAND > This is a disappointment. Tom: This line of dialogue can be inserted anywhere in this script and not be out of place. Mike: Movie Cliche # 70: The villain always comes close to swaying the hero to his side, but never succeeds. > > SPIDER MAN > Listen, you want to talk about fate? Mike: Yes, please. Action movies are all about talking. > Maybe there is a reason for all this. Crow: Perhaps Stan Lee needs money? > Maybe I was put here to stop guys like > you when nobody else has the balls. Tom: Or maybe it was just to gad about rooftops and hit on hot chicks with a secret bondage fetish. > > BOYD > Pretty tough talk for a guy in a > danceskin. > Crow: Yeah, that pretty much sums it up for me. >Strand moves without warning, grabbing Mary Jane before >Peter can pull her away. All: D'OH!!! Mike: C'mon, Pete, do a little planning ahead! > She feels the current running >through her. Tom: I've always admired how well she conducts herself. Mike: Boooo. > Peter lunges forward and Strand turns up the >juice. Crow: He's invented Sunny-D! > Mary Jane cries out. Tom: [Pete] MJ! Don't cry out loud! Just keep it inside! Learn how to hide your feelings! > >Peter stops. He can only watch helplessly as Strand toys >with her life. Crow: Y'know, Superman woulda had this under control by now. Batman would've, too. Tom: Or Captain Marvel. Or the other Captain Marvel. Mike: Or Captain Nice. Tom: Or Captain Kangaroo. Crow: Heck, even Forbush Man could do better than this! > Strand grabs her head and kisses her. The >voltage makes her hair shoot straight out. She starts >doing the watusi. Crow: Metaphor? No! She just feels like dancin'! > > STRAND > See how power turns women on? > Mike: Especially if it's one of those new-fangled electric women. >He breaks the kiss. Crow: Wha? He can't talk and lock lips at the same time! The circuit was broken! > She slaps the shit out of him and he >kisses her again, Crow: Sound familiar Mike? > this time at a much higher voltage. MJ >starts to convulse wildly. Mike: This has all the tension and high drama of a Three Stooges episode. > >Meanwhile, Sandman has dissolved Tom: He's bringing pain relief quicker. > and is flowing across the >floor. He reforms behind Peter and grabs him in a grip of >solid rock. Mike: The fiend! He foiled Peter's plan of standing there limp with his mouth open! Crow: So, no tingly Spidey-Sense? Tom: Guess not. > Peter struggles as Strand electrocutes MJ. Crow: She was just bait, but she was annoying bait. > >She bucks and goes still. Her head falls back and Peter >sees her staring eyes, pupils fixed and dilated. Mike: The 48-hour "Road Rules" marathon was just too much. >Dead as they come. Crow: How dead *do* they come? Mike: About like this, apparently. > Peter can only stare in horror. Crow: Spiders! Nature's incompetent buffoons! Tom: Once again, our hero, folks. > > STRAND > Mmmm. What should we do? Call 911? Crow: It's a joke, you know. > > PETER > I'll kill you! Motherfucker! You hear > me?! You're dead, you sick bastard! > Tom: [badly dubbed] Damn, I'll burn you into BBQ chicken! > STRAND > See! That's my point exactly! You are a > killer, kid. Crow: [Strand] I killed her because of you! See?!? See?!? > You've got it in you. Why > don't you accept it? You want to rip my > throat out right now. Mike: As opposed to the audience, who wants to rip their own throats out. > >Strand puts his hand on Mary Jane's sternum and zaps her >with a defibrillating pulse. Tom: Not to mention copping a feel. > She arches, then relaxes. Mike: I can't help thinking Strand could make more money working for hospitals. >Her chest starts to move. Crow: Spidey, Strand, and Boyd all stop to watch *this* part. > She opens her eyes, weakly, >seeing Strand looking down at her. > Mike: [MJ] Your - your nose hairs - they're arcing! > STRAND > I think there's real electricity between > us, don't you? Tom: [MJ] Aw man, every time a guy kisses me to death then revives me, he's right in my face! I hate that! > >Peter goes berserk. Crow: Well, after a line like that, who can blame him? >He fires webs at MJ, jerking her out of Strand's arms >before he can react. Mike: And pretty much breaking every rib she has in the process. > Then... >Mustering all his force, he EXPLODES the Sandman into >loose chunks, Crow: Proving his forethought in giving Sandman that primacord T-shirt for Xmas. > which rain down around the room. Mike: What's he like? It's not important. Particle Man. >He dives out of the way of Strand's first bolt of >lightning, which sets a wall on fire... Crow: o/~ Wall on fire - burning down the rooooooad... o/~ Mike: Er, what wall? They're on top of the WTC! >Peter tackles MJ and scoops her up... Tom: Surreptitiously sliding a hand up under her skirt in the process... Crow: [MJ] Okay, all this fondling crap is gonna stop, or I *swear* I'm walking out and joining the cast of "Daredevil"! >Diving right through the glass, a quarter mile up... Tom: Good move, Spidey. I'm sure the breaking glass only SLIGHTLY punctured her windpipe. >Her scream vanishes on the wind. Mike: As does her lunch. > >Sandman chunks dissolve into puddles of sand and quickly >flow together... forming back into a human shape. Crow: Mike, is it possible for a famed director such as James Cameron to actually rip *himself* off, and in such a manner as to make the rip-off seem completely hackneyed and derivative? Mike: I'm told it is, yes. > Strand, >in a fury runs to the window, looking down. Crow: [Strand] Why did I do this on top of a building?! He LOVES that! What was I THINKING?! > No sign of >Spider Man. Looking up he catches a glimpse of a figure >leaping from one tower to the next... Tom: It's just Toad warming up for "X-Men 2". Mike: If they were on the observation deck, why would he be looking UP? > carrying MJ to >safety. He fires a lightning bolt which sears the night. Crow: But fails to Roebuck it. >It explodes glass out of the north tower. [All shudder.] Tom: OK. These are images that really didn't need revisiting. > >ON THE ROOF of the tower, Spider Man gets MJ to the >stairwell door. He rips it off its hinges and he tells >her to run. Mike: Too late, he yells to her plummeting form, "Down the staircase!" > She starts down. Then turns back to him. Crow: [MJ] You *will* call, right? Tom: [Spidey] Um... sure. > > MARY JANE > I love you. > > SPIDER MAN > Cool. > Tom: Keanu Reeves *is* Spider Man. >He turns to see... Mike: [gasping] A cold front spreading across the Great Plains! > >Across the gap, on the outdoor deck of the south tower, >Sandman and Strand come out the door. Crow: [Strand] Look! I told you - we *can* see our secret evil hideout from here! > Strand fires >lightning bolts across to the other roof, blasting debris >into the air. Mike: The message of the movie? Spiders need guns! Tom: If you're a villain, and you're battling a spider without a gun, just casually go about your business. Chill. > Peter knows enough not to leap onto the >microwave tower... a natural lightning rod. Mike: So instead, he hops into a bucket of water while clutching his Spidey-Blowdryer. > >Strand summons a furious force field of electromagnetic >energy, like a sorcerer calling up a demon. Crow: That's a good way to get yourself possessed by an evil, vowel-free bug. Tom: [poinging up & down in his seat] Stay good, Strand! Stay good! > The fiercely >glowing plasma leaps across to the base of the microwave >mast on the north tower. It starts to glow cherry red. Mike: Soon, it was bursting with piping hot fruity goodness! >Concentrating, he uses the electromagnetic force to bend >the microwave tower toward him. Tom: [Strand] Boy, it's fun being nothing like Magneto at all, you betcha! >It topples, falling across the gap. Bridging the two >towers. Mike: JRR Tolkein is furious! >Sandman leaps onto the bridge and runs across to Spider >Man. Crow: Spiderman pushes the bridge off. Sandman curses his own stupidity. > >THE FINAL BATTLE IS JOINED. Tom: - said God, to the surprise of the combatants. > >And it's a real barn-burner. Mike: Soon, barns all across Manhattan are in ruins. Crow: Mrs. O'Leary's cow is pleased with her disciples' handiwork. Uh, hoofiwork. > Vicious and elemental. Tom: Even Swamp Thing is drawn into the melee. >I won't bore you with the details right now, but it's big. Mike: Oh, so it's over? > >Some of the highlight: > Tom: Nope. Mike: But he said he wasn't going to bore us with the details! Crow: No, he's going to bore us with the highlights. Mike: Oh. >A major slug-fest with Sandman, during which... Crow: He bets on the slug races and buys slug-related souvenirs. >They pound each other mercilessly and reduce every object >in sight to junk... Tom: And considering how high they are, that's a lot of junk. Crow: *Wham!* Yankee Stadium is junk! *Crash* The Chrysler Building is junk! *Pow* New Jersey is junk! >Peter is pummelled, his costume ripped half off... Mike: [Future Wars guy] He is a tool. Tom: Robert Z'Dar *is* the Sandman! Crow: Wait, hold it, that sounds too much like an actual casting decision! >Sandman gets spread around and reforms... Mike: Chris Carter calls, and asks if he could replace Mulder for a while. > >All the while, Strand is ripping open the power panel next >to the huge roof fans... Crow: [Strand] Dangit, I *knew* I shoulda brought the Craftsman tool set! >Pulling out the 440 volt main cables... >And FEEDING off the power... Tom: Iron Chef Con Edison has one dish. Smoked Strand with an Amperage Glaze. >Screaming to high heaven as the energy blasts through him >and... Crow: ...we count the hundreds of times we've seen it all before. >A brown-out darkens the whole lower half of Manhattan... Tom: This wouldn't've happened if Giuliani were still in charge! >And Strand conjures a writhing, living field of blinding >blue-white force around him. Crow: GE's new "soft white" Strand makes whites seem whiter- colors more colorful! > It lifts objects into the >air and melts the steel railing near him. Mike: It burns a hole in the floor beneath him. Life was a never-ending carnival of surprises! > The power of >his mind to control the electromagnetic forces has grown >exponentially. > Tom: [Strand] So be it, Jedi. >Sandman pounds Spidey into semi-consciousness. Hurls him >off the roof... Crow: And he lands right smack on that tower-bridge. Mike: [Sandman] D'OH!! Gotta learn to aim better! >But he catches a web and pulls himself back up, like one >of those spiders you can't get to stay down the drain... Crow: "Down the drain" - an apropos phrase if there ever was one. Tom: Excuse me, but when your enemy's strength is swinging on buildings, WHY WOULD YOU THROW HIM OFF ONE?! Mike: It's sorta like when Bluto tries to choke Popeye on his own spinach. > >Spidey sees Strand readying a mega-blast... Tom: [Spidey] Hey, cool! Pour me onea those, too! >He leaps as the bolt rips along the edge of the roof... >Blasting glass into space and fusing the steel in a >glowing track a yard wide. Crow: Ewww! Electromagnetic skid marks! Mike: [depressed] Boy. Watching these guys destroy the World Trade Center is about as much fun as the ghetto scenes in "Schindler's List". > >Spidey sees that Strand is about to fire again... >He fires a web at Sandman, lassoing him... Tom: Yeeeeeeehaaaah! Ride thet doggie, pardner! Mike: It's Old Time Billy Spider's Junior Rodeo! >Just as Stand unleashes a bolt... >Spidey drops over the edge, pulling the web taut... Tom: Again demonstrating the great ADVANTAGES in fighting Spiderman in this location. >Jerking Sandman, screaming, right into the path of the >lightning beam... Crow: Too bad he didn't notice that nearby rack of chemicals. Tom: Wow, we got our own little Amalgam universe going here! >The furious bright plasma wraps over the Sandman... Mike: The happy dim plasma just tickles his armpits. >Fusing him into molten glass. Tom: Finally! A non-spider-related science lesson! Crow: Hey, I think I saw this on "Farscape" last month. > >Strand swears and runs across the bridge to the north >tower. Crow: Spiderman pushes the bridge off. Strand rails at his own stupidity. Tom: [Strand] If ya want a spider killed right, ya gotta do it yourself! >Sandman is a smoking lump of melted glass in the vague >form of a man. Mike: Sorta like Ozzy Osbourne. > Poised, cooling, in a position of agony. >Like Michaelangelo's dying slave. His glass mouth is a >shapeless pit of eternal pain. Tom: Or an ashtray. Whichever. >Bummer. > Crow: The shallowness of this script runs deep. >Strand looks around and in a fury. Mike: A Plymouth Fury? Crow: How'd he get it up there? >Spider Man appears around the superstructure of the tower >with a fire-hose. Tom: Ah, we've now entered the "Laurel and Hardy" portion of the script! > He unleashes a stream of water at >Strand just as he is summoning a surge of power. Mike: [Michael Richards] You get to drink from... All: THE FIRE HOSE!!! >It shorts, and there is a tremendous steam explosion. Crow: Enough rice is cooked to feed Nepal for a year. >They are both hurled several yards. >Spider Man comes up running and dives at Strand, smashing >him brutally across the face... Tom: Crouching Spidey, Hidden Strand. >Pummelling him even as Strand shoots pulses into Peter's >body which cause him to scream and writhe in agony. Mike: Actually, he's just reading him excerpts from this script. Tom: The Fiend! >Peter is hurled back against a wall... >He is crumpled on the ground, his costume in smoking >rags... Crow: He's wrapped his costume in smoking rags? Mike: It gives it that great hickory-roasted aroma. >And Strand, unsteady and bleeding, advances. Tom: He goes on to meet Serena Williams in the semi-final. > >Strand summons his amperage for a single, lethal blast. Crow: [Strand] o/~ I'm so glad we had this time, together! o/~ >The veins stand out on his neck and forehead. Mike: Hey, Strand - why so tense? > This is the >big one... Crow: [Sanford] I'm comin', 'Lizabeth! >And Peter raises his head, his eyes steady... >They lock eyes... >And in the blink of an eye... Mike: Which since the eyes were locked, couldn't happen... >Strand fires. Peter leaps. Crow: A maid screams. Mike: A door slams. Tom: Tom Servo barfs. > In midair he tags Strand with >a loop of web and sails past him... Tom: [Spidey] You're it. >Over the edge... >Jerking Strand with him, over the side... Mike: Attention all supervillains. Next time you scout locations for your climactic battle with Spiderman, consider a low-lying trench or gully. >And they fall together, down the face of the tower... Mike: Who are you guys rooting on to survive, Strand, or Spidey? Crow: Neither. I'm rooting for Newton. Tom: Yeah. Go, gravity, go! >Strand screams, unleashing bolts of power in all >directions... Tom: Conveniently, none are in *Spidey's* actual direction. > >From a distance it looks like some kind of fantastic >Jacob's Ladder as the arcs light up the gap between the >two towers. Crow: See? There's Tim Robbins standing up there right now! >Strand's death fall is one of the most beautiful displays >ever seen, Mike: [Cameron] Much better than that crappy love scene in a field of cherry blossoms Kirosawa seems so stuck on himself about! > like a symmetrical release of the energy which >created him out of art and the elements. Tom: It's like a butterfly! A beautiful, beautiful, evil, rock-stupid butterfly! >Falling... Peter, fighting for consciousness, Mike: Same as the audience. > fires webs >at the wall... Tom: What wall? Crow: You know, the 120-story wall they built to block the WTC's view of New Jersey. >And one finally sticks... >But it breaks. They're going too fast... Tom: So much for "stronger than steel". Crow: It's a misprint - his webs are actually "stronger than stool". Mike & Tom: Ewwwww! >He fires one at the far tower, fifty feet away... >It grabs... Tom: ...Johnson from accounting... >And he swings toward the tower... Crow: But misses and lands in the harbor instead. >Slamming against it as the line pulls taut... Mike: Tomorrow, some window washer will be cursing over the stain. >HOLDING. Jerking him to a stop, from a hundred miles an >hour to zero in one second... Tom: Pete now wears a size 108 long sport coat. >And Strand rockets past him, still falling... >Peter holds the web with all his might... Mike: Why am I thinking "dislocated shoulder" here? Crow: Heck, if Gordon Freeman can grab a ladder rung after plunging twelve stories... >Stopping Strand so suddenly that he slams into the steel >columns along the side of the building with a sickening >smack. Tom: [Spidey] Hey, evildoer, watch out for that... Mike: *whumpf!* Tom: [Spidey] ...building. > >The lightning stops suddenly. Crow: Ororo just found out the check didn't clear. >A few stray arcs as Strand's broken body dangles at the >end of Peter's line. Mike: [fisherman] Ay, what kinda bait ya usin' there, pal? > The sound of sirens wafts up from >the street far below. Tom: [Spidey] Honest, officers, the guy just tied himself to my webline and flung himself against the solid steel support columns! Really!! > >OBSERVATION FLOOR, SOUTH TOWER: It is the window Peter >shattered leaping out with Mary Jane. Mike: We tell you kids not to play ball in Manhattan, but do you listen?!? No!! >He climbs painfully up into view. Moving slowly, he >swings in until he is on the floor. Tom: [Spidey] *pant* *pant* Geez, it *gasp* looked so easy when *pant* Adam West did it! *gasp* > He pulls up on the >taut lifeline, dragging a semi-conscious Strand up into >the building. Crow: [Spidey] Easy, easy, he - oops! Concussion. Now I - oh. I didn't know arms could bend like that. And another concussion. Wow, he sure bruises easy. > He lays him out on the floor. Mike: He strips him naked, and produces his "fairy bride" costume. A bad day turns dark, and meaner. > >Strand is bleeding badly, and broken inside. Tom: Just like my soul, at this point. > Dying. Crow: [Strand, dying] Got any fabric you want colored? Because I'm dying! Get it? Aw, screw the living, you're all a bunch of pills. >Peter's mask is ripped half off by the fight. He pulls it >off his head, showing his face to Strand for the first >time. Mike: [Strand] Geez, I got beaten up by a nerd?!? > > STRAND > What's your name kid? > Crow: Joyrock, Michigan J. Tom: Bond, James Bond. Mike: I am Sailor Moon! Champion of- [Crow pecks Mike...hard.] Mike: Oh, sorry. > PETER > Parker. Peter Parker. Crow: [Peter] 12 inches of Peter Parker. Tom: Eww. > > STRAND > Peter Parker. So... what're you? Senior > in high school? Mike: [Strand] Got a date for the prom yet? Tom: [Peter] Shut up! > > PETER > Yeah. I graduate next week. Crow: Y'know, it's nice that mortally wounded enemies can take the time to just sit and have a nice little chat. Tom: Yeah. When he's not being a monomaniacal monster on an insane power trip, Strand's actually quite pleasant. > >Strand chuckles weakly, coughing blood from ruptured lungs. > > STRAND > Unbelievable. > Tom: [Strand] The idiot writing this ripped off the ending of Blade Runner. Unbelievable. Crow: And Star Wars. Tom: Of course. Mike: And Batman and Robin. Tom: OK, OK. >He dies. > Tom: Good-night, sweet Strand, and may flights of hokey one-shot villains sing thee to thy rest! >Peter sags, spent. Then he sees the pallet of money. Crow: [Pete] Hmm... gotta be a bill in there the coke machine'll take. >Two hundred and fifty million dollars. >Stolen a half a cent at a time from a billion accounts all >over the world. Mike: Apparently by people who've watched "Office Space". Crow: Or "Superman III", where Judge stole the idea in the first place. Tom: I thought he stole the idea from Harry Harrison's "A Stainless Steel Rat Is Born." Mike: Hell, he stole it from a lot of places, okay? > Impossible to give back. > >What the heck. Tom: Kill my landlord. Kill my landlord. C, I, L, L. My land lord. > >People don't notice the cloud at first. Crow: Soon, all of Manhattan has been transformed into clown zombies! Mike: Huh?! Crow: It's a Freakazoid thing, Mike. >A green cloud, covering the city... Tom: People flee in terror from the Long Island Broccoli Festival! > a cloud of hundred >dollar bills fluttering out across the city on a brisk >breeze. Crow: And now they rip off the end of "It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World." Again. > Spreading for miles. Mike: Immediately, IRS Early Strike teams cover the city. > >But New York notices when it reached the street. Crow: Oh, sure, $100 bills were hip at first, but now they're as passé as "All Your Base". Mike: Yeah, the 50 Euro note is where it's at now. > From >Central Park to the Battery, it is one big street party. Tom: Okay, everyone! Time to try for that new world record in the Electric Slide! >On a warm evening, the first night of summer, it's raining >hundred dollar bills as far as the eye can see. Crow: Boy, Al Roker sure blew *that* forecast. Mike: Great. This money will do so much good in the hands of the poor, oppressed lawyers and stockbrokers of the financial district. Tom: Good job, Spiderjerk. > >CUT TO: SPIDER MAN hanging in his eyrie. Mike: Yep. Hanging out in the Wedge. Chatting with Kei and Yuri. Learning how to fly X-Wings... > > SPIDER MAN > Well, when they rebuilt the radio tower, Crow: Yeah - well - maybe someday... *sniff* Mike: They will, Crow - don't worry. > I sort of made it my favorite hang. The > money? Cute trick, huh? Tom: Dumb, but cute. > Like I said, Mike: [Peter] It's all about the Benjamins. > there's more than one way to be a saint. Crow: If given a choice, choose the Roger Moore way over the Val Kilmer way. > Did it save the world? Naw. It probably > didn't save anybody. Except maybe me. Mike: Throwing away a quarter of a billion dollars lowered his cholesterol. It can lower yours, too. Crow: Throwing away a quarter of a billion dollars is now available in prescription strength. Tom: In rare cases, throwing away a quarter of a billion dollars caused certain side effects such as mild nausea, sore throat, rash, and banging your head against a brick wall and yelling "I JUST THREW AWAY A QUARTER OF A BILLION DOLLARS!!! WHAT AM I, NUTS OR SOMETHING?!?" > >CUT TO PETER, at school. It is the end of the schoolyear. Crow: o/~SCHOOOOOOOOL'S OUT, FOR, EVER! o/~ >He has a lot of bruises. He tells them he fell off his >moped. >They think he's a putz. Mike: They're right. Tom: So Pete, MJ and Flash are the only goyim at a Long Island Rabbinical School. > >MJ is back too. She is very quiet. Crow: Yeah. A little *too* very quiet! > She doesn't hang with >any of her old friends. They think she's odd now. Mike: Then they think they're alone now. > She >doesn't care. Tom: [MJ] I've got a thousand Spidey babies growing inside me to worry about! > > SPIDER MAN (V.O.) > There was still the small matter of the > woman I loved... Crow: Tara Reid? Tom: [Pete] I wasn't quite through putting her life in danger yet. > >Peter and MJ get their grade on the science project. A+. Crow: Our reaction? Dull surprise. >He is happy for her that she will graduate with a B and >get her car. Mike: Meanwhile, Petey's gonna be taking the cross-town bus for the foreseeable future. > But she doesn't care about that anymore. >She's decided to go to a different collage, Crow: One made up of magazine clippings and glitter glue. > get her grades >up, and then go to med-school. Tom: Her experience watching a passel of super-powered nutjobs whale the tar out of each other has convinced her to devote her life to medicine. Crow: And what fairy land is this where one can change one's college plans a week from graduation? > >She thanks him for helping her see the wonder of things. >She kisses him. And whoa... wait a minute. Mike: [Narrator] Where are my car keys? Anyone seen my keys? Pete? Mary Jane? Strand? Uncle Ben? Anyone? > Why does that >kiss seem so familiar? Crow: [MJ] Why was his tongue a hollow tube probing the warmth of my blood? > Peter is smiling. Not a geek. >But confident. Even, somehow... charming. Tom: Eddie Deezen *is* John Robie *in* "To Catch a Geek"! > > PETER > Mary Jane. Close your eyes. Mike: Tom Petty's here for his last dance. > >She does. Puzzled. He moves very close to her. [All together] Mike: I'm not wearing any shorts. Crow: Ever dance with the devil in the pale moonlight? Tom: You think you could introduce me to that Gwen Stacy chick? > > PETER > (in Spidey voice) > Do you still trust me? Mike: [grumbling] "Aladdin". Right there. Tom: This whole script is nothing but Grand Theft Cinema! > >She gasps and her eyes pop open... Crow: ...and land on the ground, fixing him with an accusing glare! > staring at him. Then >she gulps, nods once and squeezes them shut. Tom: [MJ] Tell me it wasn't him! Please please please please tell me it was *anybody* but HIM!! > He kisses >her long and deep, and she twines her fingers in his hair. Mike: Soon his paralyzing toxin is coursing through her veins! >Two of MJ's snotnose girlfriends are walking by. Crow: Sinus season hits the New York Metro area hard. > They >just stare, shocked. Mike: They're so surprised, they forget to sosh for a whole hour. >MJ breaks, staring at him in wonder. Tom: [MJ] *How* could it possibly be *HIM*?!?!? > > MARY JANE > My God, Peter. Are you really him? > I mean-- Crow: [MJ] Eww, gross! > > PETER > Shhhh! Mike: [Peter] Just surrender yourself to the wonder that is me! > >It is what everybody secretly hopes for... Crow: To be mutated into a half-human, half-arachnid creature with no hope for a normal life? > that someday >someone will see past the face that everyone sees to their >secret self -- what is inside and hidden. Mike: I think she sees that Peter is really just a sad clown. Crow: I think she sees Peter as a series of ones and zeros. Tom: Nah, she sees Peter as a sort of an idealized version of the compleat Renaissance man. > Peter grins, >and she returns it. >They go back into the kiss, just as... Crow: The audience lulls back in a pleasant slumber. > >Flash grabs Peter by the shoulder and spins him around. Mike: Like a record, baby? Crow: Right. Round, round, round. >He can't believe it's true. MJ with this pencil-neck. Tom: Freddie Vlassey *is* Flash Thompson! > He >tells Peter to walk with him a second and Peter shrugs. Mike: Then he tells him to have a seat and Peter does this. [Mike ticks his thumbs in his ears and wiggles his fingers] >Sure. He turns back to Mary Jane. > > PETER > When two male wolf spiders, Pardosa, > encounter one another in the presence of > a female, they assume ritual threat > postures. Crow: Talking smack about each other until the cops show up. > >MJ smirks. Her eyes merry. Tom: Her cheeks, how red. Her nose like a cherry. > Poor Flash. Tom: [MJ] It's so cute when my new super-boyfriend beats up non-superpowered people for fun. >Flash drags Peter by his arm around the corner. >He whirls on Peter without warning, with a lightning >roundhouse. Mike: Or a rounding lighthouse. > But of course Peter ducks and Flash hits a >brick wall. Crow: The brick wall collapses. Peter rethinks the whole "teach the bully a lesson" finale. > > PETER > Careful, Flash. You could sprain > something. Tom: Knowing Flash, probably his one remaining brain cell. > >Howling in pain, Flash holds his hand, then charges again. Crow: Spider-Man - he's everywhere you want to be. >Peter steps aside, and Flash roars past. In the blink of >an eye Peter shoots a tiny strand of web to a nearby >railing. Mike: Hey, it's the return of Slab Hardcheese! Crow: ["Slab"] MOVE MOVE MOVE MOVE!!!! > Flash rushes him, tripping on the silk, and >cartwheels into a wall. > > PETER > Flash, you should really watch your step. > Here, let me help you up. Mike: Can we just fast-forward to the point where Flash gets dumped in the pool, or a mud puddle, or a dung cart or whatever? > >Peter helps Flash to his feet, surreptitiously attaching a >web to the back of his jacket. Tom: Along with eight teeny-tiny little "Kick Me" signs. > He shoots the other end to >a nearby railing. Peter dusts Flash off and turns, >walking away. Crow: This is the part of "Gosford Park" I really didn't understand. > Flash roars and charges... Mike: He's nearing his credit limit. > only to get >jerked short like a mean dog on a short chain. Tom: [Foghorn] Heh! That, Ah say, that dog's 'bout as sharp as a bag o'wet mice! > His feet >fly out from under him and he crashes on his back. Dazed. Crow: And confused. Tom: Geez, Peter, why not just carry a big neon sign that says, "I am Spiderman!" > >All the kids standing around the schoolyard laugh >uproariously. Crow: Gallagher has suddenly appeared! > Peter grins and holds up his hands. Mike: Even Pete finally throws up his hands and says, "I just don't know". > > PETER > I never laid a glove on him. I swear. Tom: Yeah, pretty soon, Pete's beating up everyone at school, terrorizing the football team, taking the crossing guards' lunch money... > >Everybody cheers. Because the truth is: we really do like >heroes. Especially when they're underdogs. Mike: Well, everyone but Simon Bar Sinister. > >CUT TO SPIDER MAN: STILL HANGING. Crow: Pervert! > > SPIDER MAN > Mary Jane and I got accepted to different > colleges. Wouldn't you know it? Tom: I would. Mike: I wouldn't. Crow: I might, but I'll have to look it up. > But we > see each other every weekend. Tom: [Pete] Well I see her through her dorm window. Some things you never outgrow. > Her grades > are better than mine, but I blame it on > the heavy hours. Mike: And not, of course, on the non-stop boozing and raves. > It's not easy being your > friendly neighborhood Spider Man. Takes > it out of you. Crow: Errr... takes *what* out of you? Tom: The old silk, of course. > Well, it's a schoolnight. > Gotta fly. Tom: [Pete] Mmmmmm, and it's delicious! Want one? > Be good. Mike: Look for the spiders! KEEP WATCHING THE GROUND!!! > >He pushes off from the mast... swinging in an arc out over >the edge of the roof. Tom: He crashes head-first into a gargoyle. It's SO cool! > Paying out web-line Crow: Instead of cash. > he drops like >an express elevator toward the street far below. Tom: [Pete] Here I go-o-o-o-o-o-o-o... Mike: Too bad he forgot to actually *attach* his webline to something. Crow: The embarrassing part is that Superman had to pop over from the DC Universe just to save him. > >TILTING DOWN to follow as he becomes a black dot above the >sea of lights. Tom: Spider-Man now concludes his programming day. > A tiny spider going home. > Crow: Until such day as spiders telecommute. > > THE END > > Mike: Oh, how I love to see those words. Tom: I feel gypped. I was expecting "THE END?" Crow: Nah, they already knew there was a sequel coming. Tom: Well, we're leaving. [Mike lifts Tom up and they all exit the theater.] [1 . . . 2 . . . 3 . . . 4 . . . 5 . . . 6 . . .] [The crew is gathered behind the command console.] Mike: Wow. Crow: Yeah, what a mess. Tom: It'll still make hundreds of millions of dollars though. Mike: I dunno. Tom: "Dude, Where's My Car". Mike: Good point. Crow: Well, enough of this chit-chat. Let's start the musical number! Mike: What musical number? Crow: We always end these things with a musical number. So, let's go! And a one and a two... Mike: We're not singing, Crow. Crow: But, but... I had a great song ready! Its to the tune of "Don't Wanna Miss a Thing." Listen! o/~ I could spin a web to hang outside your window! o/~ Mike: That's nice but we're still not doing it. Tom: Yeah. It's been done. Let's just make fun of this turkey one last time and split. Crow: Okay, I'm down with that. Voice: [O.S.] Now just hold on a second! [The trio sighs and turn towards the hexfield, which opens to reveal a disheveled Carlton Strand.] All: [Flatly.] Hi, Mr. Strand. Tom: Um, aren't you dead? Strand: No. All I needed was a Diehard and I was good as new. Crow: Oh, come on. A diehard? A better touch would have said "Oh, I had a UPS backup." Tom: Heck, even "Oh, some bactine and I was good as new" would have worked. Crow: I dunno. Maybe if you talked about Gatorade and the electrolytes... Strand: Oh, quiet. All of you! I heard all of you making fun of me all through the script! And believe me, I'll make you pay! Crow: What are you going to do? Shut off our life support? Tom: Hah! We won't be affected! Although I suppose you could use your powers to turn Crow and I into robotic killing machines... Mike: Guys, shut up. Strand: Well, I can't really do any of that to you. You're in space after all. I can't even mess up your TV reception. But I can do this! [The view pulls back to reveal Times Square. Strand snaps and suddenly, the words "Mike Sux!" appear on the giant TV screen.] Mike: Hey! Strand: See? Fear my wrath, fools! Crow: Oh, please. Like that bothers us. Tom: Yeah, wuss. Why don't you just buy a space shuttle or three and come up here and take us on? You've got billions after all. Mike: Guys, shut up. Strand: Well, I kinda [softer] don't have any money anymore. Crow: What? Strand: I lost all my money, okay? Tom: What, did Spidey take it? Crow: Did IRS Man launch a financial raid on your HQ? Strand: No, I... I invested in Enron, okay? [weeping] After I invested in the XFL, I needed money, and I thought it'd be ironic to invest in a power company. You know, with my powers and all. How was I supposed to know? Huh? [He starts sobbing.] Mike: Geez. There's nothing worse than crying supervillains. Crow, can you calm him down? Tom, this may take a while. Why don't you tell the folks how they can join us. Although why they'd want to do so is beyond me... Tom: Sure thing, Mike. To join the MiSTing Authors Dibs List, send an e-mail to "majordomo@pinky.wtower.com" with the message "subscribe dibslist" in the message body. Don't forget to read the FAQ at "http://www.masemware.com/mst3k/faq.shtml", and try to avoid having electrokinetic villains eavesdrop on your experiment. Crow: Now, now. I'm sure everything will be okay. Strand: You really think so? Crow: Sure. I mean, you can't possibly mess up this much again, could you? Strand: I guess not. [He starts to spark.] Oh, no! My tears! They're causing me to short ou... [Strand suddenly lights up like a Christmas tree, before going dark and collapsing to the ground. The hexfield closes.] Crow: Nevermind. I guess you could do something that stupid. Tom: At least we won't have to watch anymore lame superhero films for a while. Mike: At least until that Daredevil movie comes out. [The bots are silent.] Crow: The what? Mike: Daredevil movie. I figured you comic fans knew about it. Oh, it stars Ben Affleck as Daredevil. [The bots begin to shake uncontrollably.] Mike: Guys? [The bots begin screaming. Loudly.] Mike: Me and my big mouth. Well, whaddya think, Pearl? [Castle Forrester] [Pearl and her henchbeings are standing around JKVS The geeks stand nearby.] Pearl: So, if I beat those Geeks I get a... JKVS: It's called a TiVo. You can use it to record live TV. Pearl: So, it's a VCR? JKVS: Er, kinda. Pearl: Well, I can't turn down a free VCR. Let's do it. Guys? [Pearl nods at her henchthings. They nod back and pull out a pair of baseball bats. They wheel around and begin to well, beat the geeks.] JKVS: Pearl, I don't think you quite grasp the rules of the game. Pearl: Shut up, Damon. [Pearl hits the button and the screen condenses with a ...] \ | / \ | / --- * --- PWOOOOSH! / | \ / | \ Bobo: [V.O.] Lawgiver! Help! The TV Geek is hurting me! TV Geek: [V.O.] I'm going to hit you so haard, you'd want to be watching "Blossom" instead. Bobo: [V.O.] Noooo!!!! ============================================================= Mystery Usenet 3000: "Spider-Man: The Movie" Alledgedly written by James Cameron Misting by Matt Blackwell, Daniel Haun, Brendan Herlihy, Bill Livingston, Eric Scheppers, and Natalie Welch Spiderman and all related characters are the trademarks and (c) of Marvel Entertainment, Inc. and Marvel Characters, Inc. All rights reserved. Even the right to clone Peter Parker. "Mystery Science Theater 3000" and related characters and situations are trademark of and (c) Best Brains, Inc. All rights reserved. "Beat the Geeks" and related characters and situations are trademarks of and (c) Fox Television Network, Mindless Entertainment and Comedy Partners. All rights reserved. Applications are now being accepted for the MST3K Geek! Apply today! Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for non- commercial parody, review, and commentary purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks held by others is intended or should be inferred. No personal insults to author(s), character(s), or situation(s) are or should be implied. All characters in this work are fictional, and any resemblance to actual people, living or dead, is purely coincidental. Plus, I've met Peter Parker, and he's really not that nerdy. Comments and complaints can be sent to mblackwl@ix.netcom.com Need to make an automatic digital recording of your favorite show without the hassles of videotape or timers? Then buy a TiVo! Keep circulating the posts. --------------------------------------------------------------- > Hopefully this >will be seen correctly as a metaphor for puberty and its >awakening of primal drives -- everybody goes through this >growing awareness that powerful forces are driving them >beneath their supposedly rational consciousness. --------------------------------------------------------------- 5/2/2002