Mystery Usenet Theater 3000: "Spider-Man: The Movie" Misted by Matt Blackwell, Daniel Haun, Brendan Herlihy, Bill Livingston, Eric Scheppers, and Natalie Welch [Season 10 Opening Sequence] [1 . . . 2 . . . 3 . . . 4 . . . 5 . . . 6 . . . ] [The Bridge of the Satellite of Love is a bit off tonight. Instead of its usual cluttered self, the Bridge instead resembles the set of a game show, complete with risers full of screaming fans. Far in the background, we can see the usual door to the theater, but the camera instead pans in on a Matt Damon-ish looking host, J. Keith Van Straaten.] JKVS: Welcome back to "Beat the Geeks." It's still anyone's game here tonight as our competitors Mike (The camera shows the lovable Mike Nelson) and Crow (the camera refocuses on the golden Crow T. Robot before returning to JP) are in a 50 point tie having defeated the Movie and the TV Geek in short order. But in this round, the scores are doubled, and there's a special 10 point bonus for anyone defeating our special guest geek. Now, our toss-up question to determine who goes next. Ready? [Mike and Crow lean eagerly over the buzzers.] JKVS: This southern band hit it big in the 1980s with hits like "Caught up in You" and "Fantasy Girl." [Mike eagerly hits the button.] JKVS: Mike. Mike: .38 Special. JKVS: Correct! Mike, please pick a Geek! Crow: Hrmph. I knew that one. Mike: Yeah, yeah. Cry me a river. JKVS: Sorry Crow. He rang in first. Mike: JP, this should be a piece of cake, cause I'm taking on the special guest geek, the Mike Geek! JKVS: Our special guest Geek, the Mike Geek! Purveyor of all Mike Nelson-related knowledge! [The buzzers buzz, the lights flash, and the spotlight focuses on a person behind a podium, who looks suspiciously like Paul Chapin in a robe.] Geek: Mike, I'm going to beat you like the cheese-eater you are, and then I'm going to steal your keyboard! [The crowd applauds wildly. Mike looks a bit confused.] Mike: Er, yeah. JKVS: Our first question, Mike- in 1985, you briefly performed with this band. Name them. Mike: Oh, easy. "Sex Factory". JKVS: Correct! [The crowd cheers.] Mike Geek? The band planned to have a concept album as their first release. What was the album title and what was the concept? Geek: Well, the band had a large number of releases planned, including their triple live album "Live from the Sea of Tranquility" but their first record was to be an ambitious album combining "The Lord of the Rings" with the droids from "Star Wars." They planned to call it "The Robots of Rohan." JKVS: Correct! [Mike looks even more confused.] Mike: How the heck did you know that? JKVS: [chuckling] Hey, Mike, who's the host here? Onto question two: what are your parents' names? Mike: Well, they *were* Moonbeam and Cottonwood, but they kinda moved out of the hippie phase in '75, so now they're just Walter and Irene. JKVS: Correct! Mike Geek, your next question. What girl did Mike first kiss romantically? Geek: Ooh, that's a toughie. I'd have to say that would be Kimmy Sue Hasenpfeffer. Unless, of course, you count Mike's poster of Farrah Fawcett. JKVS: Correct! [The crowd cheers. Mike looks poleaxed.] Mike: Oh, come on! I took that down when I was eight! JKVS: Since both of you answered correctly, that means it comes down to the Geek to Geek showdown. I'll ask both of you to name as many things fitting the topic in fifteen seconds. Whomever gets the higher total wins. Ready? Okay. Mike- name chapters in your latest book. Go! Mike: Um, L.A. Diary, Did he say "Meep"?, Friend Good, Oh Look at Me I Have Friends, Virtual Me, Tennis tips, Bad Hair Person, Bravo, Behind Music, Lunch on the Serengeti... [A loud buzzer sounds] JKVS: Okay, that's time. Mike, you got nine. Mike Geek, that means you'll have to get ten correct answers to keep your medal. Your category: Places where Mike was beaten up in Seventh grade. Go! Geek: School, Church, the bathroom, YMCA, Shady Oaks Camp, the Zoo, Kimmy Sue Hasenfeffer's house, the Quik Stop, the Hospital, the model UN club... JKVS: That's ten! You've successfully defended your medal, Mike Geek. Let's see what our other challenger can do! [The lights signaling a call from Castle Forrester begin to flash wildly. An air horn also seems to be blowing. JP looks about in confusion.] Mike: Sorry, that's for me. Hello? [Castle Forrester] [Pearl and her henchmen, er, henchape and henchnoncorporeal being, stand in the foreground, looking very, very annoyed.] Pearl: [Coldly] what the hell do you think you're doing? [SoL] Mike: We're just on a game show, Pearl. JKVS: Yeah, we're a little show on... [Castle Forrester] Pearl: [harshly] I know who you are. [to Mike] Mike! These people work for the enemy! Remember? Six years ago? I had to move in with my folks and write for NPR? [SoL] Mike: Come on, Pearl. That's ancient history. Can't we just let bygones be bygones? [Castle Forrester] [Observer steps up to Pearl.] Observer: Mike does have a point, Pearl. After all we've all been fired since then. Some of us multiple times. [SoL] JKVS: Say, is that the Brain Geek? [Castle Forrester] [Observer stares coldly at the screen for a moment.] Observer: Never mind. Scrag him, Pearl. Pearl: Mike, I'm going to teach you a lesson. I'm going to make you an icon to the comic book geeks out there. I'm going to show you a film featuring Marvel superheroes... [SoL] [The Movie Geek steps up behind Mike.] Movie Geek: Oh, let me guess. The Punisher? Captain America? Roger Corman's Fantastic Four? [Castle Forrester] Pearl: No. Marvel's flagship character, Spiderman. Movie Geek: Wow. The soon to be released film with Tobey Maguire, Kirsten Dunst and directed by Sam Raimi? [Castle Forrester] Pearl: Er, no. [SoL] Movie Geek: Ew. The 1978 TV movie featuring Nicholas Hammond that represented Spidey's webs by throwing nets onto people? Mike: Dude, you're not helping. [Castle Forrester] Pearl: No. The alleged film treatment by Piranha II's James Cameron. [SoL] [The lights begin to flash. Crow rushes about wildly.] Movie Geek: Well, you're doomed. JKVS: Yep. We're bailing. Good luck, guys. Mike: Hey! You can't leave! What about our Tivo? What about our Tivo?! [Mike sighs and hits the lights, and the door sequence begins.] [6 . . . 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . ] [Crow and Mike enter the theater. Tom is already seated.] Tom: So, how did it go? Crow: Ah. It was called on account of Pearl. Mike: Sorry about you getting beaten in the first round. Tom: Ah. I couldn't buzz in anyway, since my arms don't work. Besides, who the heck was "Susan Underwater"? Mike: Early 90s grunge band. I think their CD was "Serrator Synopsis." Tom: Show off. > > > > > > > > Mike: So... Bert I. Gordon directed this? > > > > > > > > > > Tom: Taut isn't it? Crow: This is _not_ how to build suspense. > > > > > > > > SPIDER-MAN All: AHH! Tom: Don't do that! > > > Scriptment Crow: Is that anything like spearmint? > > > > > > > BY > > JAMES CAMERON Mike: Come on, even he wouldn't use the word 'scriptment'. > > > > > > > > > > Tom: So... Crow: Uh huh. > > > > > > > > > > Mike: Well, it's already better than "Resident Evil." > > > > >FADE IN: Crow: Finally! > >A geometrical pattern fills the screen. Tom: Trapezoid! The movie! > Silver threads in >moonlight. Mike: How did they get there? >Part of a spider's intricate web. Crow: Did Joel Schumaker set up this scene? >It moves slightly and we see behind it... Tom: A spider? > the glint of an >eye. Mike: Oh, they're just filming the other cameraman! >Pulling back. Two eyes blinking in the darkness, behind a >mesh of fishnet material. Tom: Fishnet stockings? Crow: This is more than I wanted to know about Spidey. >Continue pulling back to reveal a face. Crow: Keep pulling back, guys, and we might get the whole body in the shot by the end of the next ice age! > A face shrouded >in darkness, Tom: A script cloaked in flames . . . > covered by a concentric web-like pattern. Mike: The years had not been kind to Peter Parker. >Behind the mesh we catch a hint of the features. Not >much. Crow: It's pretty much just a mole and some ear hair. > It is the eyes which command our attention. > Tom: [eyes] Lookatmelookatmelookatmelookatme! >Pulling back... head and shoulders. Mike: For a good first impression. > A black night >background. Crow: Inked by Todd McFarlane using a fire hose. >Wider still, revealing a muscular silhouetted figure, >sitting cross-legged with zen-like composure. Tom: Clint Eastwood *is* the Dalai Lama in "Out for Vengeance III: Weekend at Dalai's!" > The arms >are straight down, between the legs. Mike: Between? Crow: Is who I think it is doing what I *think* he's doing? > Behind the figure is >some kind of steel structure. > Mike: Wow, I feel like I'm there! Tom: So, Spidey's sitting on the Eiffel Tower? >But wait. Crow: [Cameron] Why am I writing this?! > As we pull back, city lights have come into >view, and now skyscrapers... Tom: Yeah, you do usually find those in cities. > but they are above us. Mike: Well, yeah! Being tall is kind of a prerequisite for skyscrapers. Crow: Sounds like a class struggle to me. >Sticking down into frame like the mothership in Close >Encounters. CAMERA ROTATES now, 180 degrees... Tom: [swaying] Getting... dizzy... [He falls out of frame.] > >Putting the city where it belongs... below us. Crow: Well that was resolved quickly! [Tom reappears.] > And >revealing that the figure is hanging by his hands, by a >thread-like wire... cross-legged and chilled-out. Tom: So we're in a meat locker now? > Upside >down. Crow: Now he's hanging upside down? > He is wearing a form-hugging body-suit. Tom: Great, now I'm having Krankor flashbacks. > Hard to >make out the details in the moonlight. Who is this >whacko? > Mike: Probably Al Gore. He's been acting a bit "off" lately. >Keep pulling back. The figure is hanging, like a spider, >from a radio mast high above... Manhattan. Crow: [Woody Allen] Chapter One. He loved New York. He romanticized it all out of proportion. > There are the >familiar landmarks... Pan Am and Chrysler Buildings. >Empire State. > Mike: Yes, those would be in Manhattan. > FIGURE (V.O.) > Welcome to one of my favorite night spots. Tom: [figure] It's not very busy now, but you should see it during the holidays! > The service is slow, but the thing I like > about it... it's not usually too crowded. > >The Empire State building is lower than us so there's only >one place we could be... > Mike: In a satellite orbiting the Earth? >1400 feet above the street, on the radio mast of the north >tower of the World Trade Center. Mike: Oh, silly me. Crow: Er, guys? [Long, long, long pause.] Mike: Just - just remember guys, this was written before - well, before. Crow: I don't care, Nelson, it's still wrong! Tom: Pearl's really sunk to a new low! Mike: Well, be fair - maybe she didn't know. Crow: C'mon, how could she *not* know? Mike: You don't think *she* reads all this crap she sends to us? [Another pause.] Tom: He's got a point. > A quarter of a mile >below us, the traffic moves like corpuscles of light >through the circulatory system of the city. > Tom: Ooh, good metaphor. > FIGURE (V.O.) > It all looks so... civilized... from up > here, doesn't it? Crow: Well, you can't see much through the smog. > Like there's some kind > of logic to it all. It's all so clear. > But you get down there on the street and > nothing's clear. > Mike: Sounds like drug metaphor. The higher you get, the clearer you can see. Tom: Sounds like he got bit by a farsighted radioactive spider. >THE STREET. Tom: Being cancelled this fall from Fox! > Cabs and cops. People on the move. Crow: America in motion. > Humanity >in all its variegated glory... from stockbrokers to >hookers, priests to junkies. > Tom: Ooh, political subtext. >A CORNER NEWSSTAND. Pushing in on a stack of Newsweek. Crow: Product placement? In the script? For shame! >Close on the top one. Mike: No, wait, close on the third from the top. Do it. Go on. > The cover is a grainy, long lens >black and white shot, like a UFO photo, of a guy in tights >apparently crawling up the side of a building. Mike: Johnny Knoxville hits the Big Apple. > The >headline reads: THE SPIDER MAN - HERO OR VIGILANTE? > Crow: Boxers or briefs? Tom: Lycra or spandex? Mike: White meat or dark? Tom: He's all those, and more. >An arm, wearing red spandex and a red glove, drops down >from the roof of the newsstand. Tom: Alright, dismemberment! > The news-guy whirls as >the arm slaps two bucks on the counter and grabs a >Newsweek. Crow: Since when did Thing become a superhero? >The owner rushes out the door... looks on top of his >kiosk. Mike: And promptly vomits into the gutter. >There's nothing there. He looks up, all around... Tom: Buys a classified ad... >nothing. He grins and holds his fist in the air. > Mike: I got ripped off! Whoo-hoo! > OWNER > ALRIIIIIGHT! > Tom: Meanwhile, some kid runs off with the two bucks. >CUT TO THE FIGURE, atop the WTC. Still hanging. He pulls >the Newsweek out of his belt and stares at the cover in >the moonlight. > Mike: I hope all this moonlight isn't alluding to a really silly crossover... > SPIDERMAN (V.O.) > How can I expect them to get it. Tom: I don't even get it and I'm me! > I don't > even get it. Mike: Good call, Servo. Tom: Aw, it was too easy. Crow: Yeah. Peter Parker's the original Angst-Ridden Teen Hero. He makes *Angel* look normal. > I do wish they'd at least > get my name right. Crow: You do wish? Is this New York or New Haven? > It's Spider Man... not > The Spider Man. Jeez. Boneheads. I need > a better publicist. > Mike: Maybe instead of picking nits, you should fight some crime, Mr. Hero. >He rips the magazine easily in half, then in quarters, >then in eights... somewhere in here we realize that this >takes more strength in the hands than you or I have. Tom: Can he make it into a swan? > He >releases the stamp-sized shreds. Camera drifts with them >as they flutter down over the city like confetti. Mike: Geez, I guess when you're a big time, fancy-shamnsy super-hero type, you can pretty much ignore those pesky little anti-litter laws. Crow: And the 1980s Punisher sees this and blows him away. Whoops! > > SPIDERMAN > Wouldn't they have kittens if thy knew > Spiderman wasn't even a man. Tom: The hormone treatments have finally kicked in, huh? > Just a kid > named... Tom: [Johnny Cash] GEORGE, BILL, ANYTHING BUT SUE! > >PETER! > >CLOSE UP on an elderly lady yelling. Crow: Cher? > "Peter... you're >going to be late!" It's morning and she's calling up the >stairs to... > Mike: Saint Peter! He's gone from Heaven to New York in this year's wackiest new sitcom! >PETER PARKER. Age 17. Peter is in the bathroom, popping >a zit in the mirror. Crow: Ick. Mike: I have to admit, I didn't expect this. > He puts on his glasses and checks >his look in the mirror. Still the same. Nerdy. He >doesn't care. Screw 'em. > Mike: [Peter] I'll show them, as soon as I get some super powers. >He grabs a big stack of books and heads downstairs. Over >breakfast we meet his aunt MAY and Uncle BENJAMIN. Tom: [May] Oh, you must be that nice young audience Peter's been telling us about. You just sit right down and I'll microwave you a nice frozen pancake! > Nice >people but way too old to be the kind of role-model >parents a kid needs. Mike: So, are these his parents' siblings, or his grandparents'? > Still, he loves them even if he >forgets to actually mention it 99% of the time like any >kid. > Tom: That reminds me, I need to call Joel. Crow: [Choked up] I miss you, Daddy. Mike: There, there. >Aunt May is thin and fusses over Peter too much. He >indulges her. When he has time, which he doesn't this >morning. > Crow: Another student of the William Shatner School of Writing. >Peter's parents were killed in a plane crash when he was >six. He woke up one day without a family. Tom: Except for the ones he lives with of course. > Somehow he >always felt guilty that they went away. Mike: Maybe because they said it was his fault? > As if he had done >something wrong. Tom: Well, he DID ask them to fly because he saw on TV it was safer. And he did buy recommend flying SeldumCrash Airlines... > His 17 year old mind tells him it was >just fate, just a random accident... Crow: While his 5 year old mind knows it was a super villain. > but deep in his >subconscious that scared 6 year old still cries, begging >for them to come home... Tom: And for Pokemon. > he won't cause trouble anymore... >he'll go to bed when they tell him. > Crow: Waitaminit here. This is supposed to be a movie script, right? Mike: Right. Crow: So how does this narrative fit into a movie? Does Peter think of himself in the third person? Who's talking here?!? Mike: Maybe it's the narrator. Tom: Mike, Peter IS the narrator. Mike: Let's just not dwell on it. We have a long way to go. >Uprooted, moved from the only home he knew, in Maryland, >to Ben and May's modest bungalow in suburban Flushing, NY. Mike: [continuing] Young Petey quickly took to a life of crime, and cheap thrills. >It is a low to middle income boredom-zone of tract homes >pushed too close together. Crow: Plus, their neighbor kept yelling at his kids about Simonizing his car. > Peter actually goes to high >school in nearby Forest Hills, a snotty high-income >neighborhood. Tom: Geez, is this a screenplay or the Communist Manifesto? > This makes him a poor kid from the wrong >side of the tracks in the eyes of his status conscious >schoolmates. > Crow: [Narrator] Is he enough of an underdog for you yet folks? I can make him speak with a lisp... >Peter is a bright kid. He doesn't have many friends. Tom: Peter has an affinity for Industrial Arts. Mike: Watch Peter run. Run Peter, run. > He >is ostracized for his interest in science. Crow: And his ear hair collection. > Our MTV >culture frowns on people who think too much. Mike: Yeah, in the 50's science geeks couldn't cross the street without luscious blonde tomatoes begging them for a date! > Intellectual >curiosity is decidedly un-hip. Tom: Conforming is cool! All: [whispering] Join us! Join us! > Who cares about where the >universe came from or how the Greeks hammered Troy? Crow: Huh? Anthony Quinn got Counselor Troi drunk? > Did >you hear the new Pearl Jam album? > Mike: You know, the writer might be a bit bitter. Crow: Really? Mike: Yup, but it's kinda subtle. >Peter is defiant. Tom: He viciously taunts his bullies while they pummel him. > He thinks they are the real losers. >They'll be flipping burgers while he's discovering the >cure to cancer. Mike: Kids from rich families? Not likely. >We'll see who wins in the long run. > Crow: Of course, that'll mean the film will last 40 years, but hey, you've got time to kill, don't you? >He wears his isolation like a badge... Crow: And his underwear like a helmet. > with an air of >superiority. Tom: Or maybe it's just the gallon of Old Spice he splashes on every morning in lieu of a bath. >In fact, he is awesomely shy and desperately lonely and >unhappy. Tom: Gee, I wonder why? Mike: This kid makes Bruce Wayne seem like the Olsen twins... > But whenever this occurs to him, he loses >himself in his studies, and finds a kind of peace. > Crow: Remember kiddies, learning keeps those urges to kill at bay. >He has the 17 year-old's sense that he knows everything >about the world, and can see so clearly all the things >that are wrong with it. Mike: In other words, he was a smug SOB. > In fact he is very insulated and >knows almost nothing about human nature in all its >complexity. Tom: Plus there was his whole Oedipus complex. Crow: Psychology text, or screenplay? You decide. > He doesn't even understand himself very well. Mike: Well, who does? Bots: We do. Mike: Oh, be quiet. >Because his life of the mind is his badge of superiority, >he frowns on the pursuits of the body. > Crow: Mostly cuz he couldn't climb the rope in gym class. >Sports? Mike: Yeah, let's watch some of that! > Forget it. Mike: Darn. > Bunch of jock boneheads crashing into >each other. Like stag elk in rut. Crow: I never thought of it like that...and I never want to again. > Senseless violence. Crow: Sure! We'd like to see some of that! >Girls? Good in theory, but how do you talk to them? Mike: By moving your mouth and producing sounds resembling a certain language? Crow: I've heard that telepathy works pretty good, but I can't seem to get it to work. >Dancing? No way. He tried it once. Not a pretty sight. > Crow: Well, that's what happens when the only dance you know is the Macarena. >Peter is a virgin. And apt to remain that way for a >while. Mike: Hmm. Why am I wasting my time following this kid around? Say! There's that Johnny Storm fellow. I'll narrate about him for a while... > He's your basic sexually pent-up adolescent. > Tom: Oh, you mean a stereotype. >One other thing about Peter. Crow: No thanks, we know more than enough... > He is a plucky kid. He's >got true grit. Mike: He's a contenda! He can go all da way! > He's never had an opportunity to prove >this, to himself or anyone else. But he will soon... > Crow: You can tell a good screenplay by the way it goes off on completely unfilmable tangents! >That day at school, we see Peter with his friends, who are >mostly straight-A misfit types like himself. Tom: Freaks and Geeks: The Next Generation! > In his last >class of the day... his favorite. Mike: Sex-Ed! > BIOLOGY... Mike: Close enough. Crow: With Peter Graves. > Peter >daydreams about the girl across the room. Mary Jane >Watson. Peter is captivated by her, though she doesn't >seem to know he exists. Tom: Sounds familiar, huh Mike? Mike: Sure does... Hey! > The teacher tells them to pair up >for term science projects and to Peter's surprise Mary >Jane comes all the way over to him and asks to be his >partner. > Crow: Great, now he's using sitcom plots! >Mary Jane needs at least an A in the class, or she won't >graduate with a B average, and then her parents won't buy >her a car like they promised. Mike: And the audience will know this... how? Crow: It's a concept film, Mike. "Spiderman" will be the first film produced solely for the entertainment of psychics! > So she teams herself with >Peter the Nerd. Mike: Hey, author! Sometimes, when a girl approaches you, they might actually, genuinely, like you! Crow: Like you would know. Mike: Hey! > Mary Jane's girl-friends in the class >exchange looks and smirks. > Tom: This is so not a script. Mike: Well... at least they'll save money on a dialogue coach. >Peter flushes with the sudden proximity of the girl he has >watched from across the room all year. She even smells >good. He feels giddy. > Crow: Well, there's just something about Mary ya know. >Peter of course knows he has no hope. Tom: And so he falls deeper into his well of self-pity. > Mary Jane is going >out with one of the school's top studs... Nathan McCreery, >AKA "Flash". All: AH-AH! Tom: Wait a minute! Flash McCreery? > Nathan is a top athlete, playing on the >senior football team and head of the gymnastic team. [The bots bust out laughing.] Crow: Gymnastics?! What a geek! Mike: Well, it is a good chance to be around women wearing leotards. Tom: Hmmm...good point. > He >is also a tennis snob and drives a Porsche. Tom: What, pray tell, is a tennis snob anyway? Mike: Someone who thinks they're better than tennis. Crow: Stupid tennis! > Peter hates >him utterly, on general principles. Mike: Well, Flash did run over Peter's sister too... > Peter takes the bus. Crow: Ok! We get the picture! Petey is a flamin'lower class geek, alright?! Mike: And another gets on. And another gets on. Another one rides the bus. >His aunt and uncle don't have much money. > Tom: Plus Uncle Ben has a thing for playing the ponies. >Mary Jane is a popular girl, in a "sosh" clique, Crow: What's a sosh? Tom: Maybe he means slush? > way out >of Peter's league. She has it all... looks, money, >handsome boyfriend. Tom: [Peter] I want a boyfriend! > Peter oscillates between despising >her and fantasizing about saving her from a burning >building so she will be eternally grateful to him and >maybe even kiss him. > Mike: Classic love/hate, right there. Crow: No fantasies about her slowly falling for his inner beauty? Tom: No, I think the burning building thing is his best shot. >Peter is thrilled to be her partner for the term project. Crow: Looks like he does enjoy being used... >School lets out. Peter walks Mary Jane out of the parking >lot. Mike: How did this film not get made? Actors would kill for a chance to stay on the screen for hours without saying anything! > Flash comes zipping up in his Porsche to pick her >up. In an awkward moment of condescending generosity, >Mary Jane invites Peter to go with them, to Flash's house, >to play tennis and swim in the pool. Tom: [grandly] Then we can play charades in the parlor! > Peter declines... Mike: He doesn't have his floaties with him. > he >has an honors-student science seminar he's going to at a >nearby university. Tom: Usually referred to as Empire State University. > Anyway... he doesn't want her to see >his pale skinny body next to Flash the stud. > Crow: Good, because we don't wanna see it either. Tom: The difference between this and "Easy Rider" is, here you won't see actors doing any lines. >McCreery makes some offhand but cutting remark about >Peter, Mike: I'd tell you what it was, but it's so much better to let the actors imagine dialogue. > then some of Flash's jock friends get into it... >mocking him as well. Peter walks away, humiliated. > Tom: Well, so far we've just synopsized every John Hughes film ever made... Crow: [Peter] I'll go to a place where I'll be free to geek! To the internet! >LATER, at the seminar... Peter is touring the genetics lab >of the university he hopes to attend if he can get a >scholarship. Tom: Ah, yes. The Howie Mandel Genetics Lab at good ol' Gen-er-ic U.! >The lab has one of the nation's leading research programs >on recombinant DNA and gene therapy. > Mike: Anything to do with radioactive spiders? Crow: I've heard they also have a great Useless Science program too. >As the tour moves through the lab complex they are able to >get a glimpse of the restricted area where some of the >more advanced research is done, through sealed glass >doors. Tom: I guess they aren't worried about security that much... > The professor shows them video monitors which show >the images of bio-isolation flasks where genetic >experiments are done on fruit flies. > Crow: Hey, is the Fly going to be in this? Mike: No. At least I hope not. >He says they are "using synthesized transfer-RNA to recode >the genome of the fruit fly... transferring genetic >information from one species of fly to another." > Tom: No reason of course, they're just doing it for kicks. >He points to the monitors, saying, "You can see the ten >mutagenically activated flies on the left, the ten control >flies on the right..." Mike: Fly Group A was given Rogaine and Group B was given a placebo. >Peter mentions that he only sees nine flies on the left. >While the scientist is counting, Crow: [stupid] Duh...2...3...4...5...6...Hold on, I have to take off my shoes... > the camera moves to a >high corner of the room. Caught in a spider's web, near >an air duct, is the tenth fly. Mike: Right next to it is the missing twelfth monkey. Tom: And it was not, I repeat, not saying "Help meeeeeeee..." > The spider approaches the >struggling fly and begins to dine. Mike: [spider] I'd ask you into my parlor, but I see you're all tied up! Ha! [The bots groan.] > Rack focus back to the >professor... Mike: As played by Pamela Lee. > as he continues the lecture. Tom: [professor] And that's why I can't love. Any questions? > They move on. >Peter asks if he can take some photographs for his school >paper. Mike: Peter Parker- Arachnid Paparazzi! > The group moves on, leaving him behind. > Crow: [Flash Spazbo] Hello? Hello, Mr. Professor person? Hello? >The tiny spider drops down from above on a nearly >invisible thread. Peter, below, is oblivious, as the >arachnid descends. Mike: Spider! Tom: He is our hero! > It lands on his hand as he is taking >his last shot. He feels a stinging pain and sees the >spider. He smashes it. Mike: [Peter, pathetic] Grrr! I'm the Hulk! Hulk smash! Grrr! > Stands rubbing his hand. Mike: Now he faces north. Tom: Think about direction and wonder why you haven't before. Crow: Haven't now. Tom: Before. Crow: Now. Tom: Forget it. We'll ask the Music Geek which one's right after we finish this. > Then >hurries after the group. > Tom: And who's Then? Crow: Geez, who named these people anyway? Mike: So I'd wager the percentage of spiders who eat radioactive flies that overlaps the percentage of spiders who bite people is pretty damn narrow. >Peter on the subway on the way home. He is rubbing his >hand, which is red and swollen. He is perspiring and >feels faint. His lips are dry. > Tom: And his feet stink! Phew! Mike: This looks like a job for Suzie Chapstick! >By the time Peter gets home, his vision is blurry. Crow: Same thing happened to me when I first switched to contacts. > He >goes straight to bed... avoiding Aunt May. Mike: But colliding full speed with Uncle Ben. > He pulls off >his clothes and staggers toward the bed, but collapses on >the floor. > Tom: Right on top of his toothpick model of the Eiffel tower. >He is wracked by a convulsive tremor, like a seizure. He >is plunged into a psychotropic state... Crow: That spider must have eaten an LSD-laced fly. > an abyss of dark >visions which yawns beneath him. Mike: Visions of Gotham danced through his head. > He falls into the >maelstrom, barraged by hallucinatory manifestations. Crow: Well, Pfizer did warn hallucinatory manifestations occurred in less than 0.1% of all patients. Tom: Is this a dagger I see before me? >Disturbing images of webs... Mike: Ain't It Cool News! CNet! MyYahoo! SVAM! > from a POV as if crawling >over them. Glistening eyes in the dark. Crow: Turn around, bright eyes! > Sudden predatory >lunges. Mike: [Richard Simmons] Aaand *lunge* 2, 3, 4, *lunge* 2, 3, 4. Come on work it! You call yourself a spider? You can't catch prey if you don't stretch! Now *lunge* 2, 3, 4! > Prey struggling hopelessly to escape. Tom: Linda Hamilton's divorce lawyer. Crow: Strings of sentence fragments. Mike: Outraged grammar teachers. > A David >Lynch bio-horror montage of spiderworld. Mike: Come down and visit Spiderworld! Kids under 5 ride the Arachnowhirly for free! > Shadowy images >of rooftops... crawling over buildings and fences. Tom: And Peter dreams of boot camp... >Leaping through the dark air... > Mike: As he floats down the mighty rivers of Saskatchewan! >Peter awakens in the sunlight. He opens his eyes, >relieved to be out of the nightmare. Tom: Then he realizes that he is still in this movie. Crow: [Peter] I hate this place. > That it was just a >dream. He blinks, looking around and screams. He is >about 80 feet up a high tension tower... wearing only his >underwear. Crow: [Peter] At least I'm not in class this time. > Below him, morning traffic moves along the >street. Nobody looks up. > Tom: Except those blasted sheep. >CUT TO PETER sneaking along a fence, trying not to be >seen. He hides in the bushes as two girls from his class >go by. Crow: Then he jumps out in front of them, and opens his trench coat wide! > Deeply embarrassed and confused, Peter makes it >back to his house. Tom: So, just a typical morning for Petey, then? > >He slips inside and gets ready for school. He is pale and >shaky. Crow: Like champagne Jello. > He rushes past Aunt May and Uncle Benjamin, saying >he is late. Mike: Hey, I bet he sells rice for a living. [chuckles] Crow: He's going to die, Mike. Tom: Jeez. One of the most important life lessons that Marvel gives us and you crack jokes. > He goes outside, around the house, Mike: Sees his shadow... > and climbs >into a basement window. Crow: Aw crap, sixty more pages of script. > He goes to a dark corner and >huddles there, shaking. His teeth are chattering. He >hugs his knees to his chest and drifts into semi- >consciousness. > Tom: Looks like he feels the same way. >His eyes fall on something moving in a ray of sunlight >coming in the window. Mike: Trixie, playing with her friend Sunbeam. > It is a spider, descending on a >single silken strand. Crow: And Charlotte rappels in to save the scene. > >To Peter it is like a heavenly vision, the tiny figure >filling his entire consciousness in some sort of >hallucinatory magnification. Tom: That's it! I shall become a spider to strike fear in the hearts... Yeesh! What am I thinking? > The morning sun backlights >it and it seems to glow with a golden radiance. Crow: It's going Super Saiyan! > It is >like some kind of divine messenger, Mike: Although I fail to see why Dionysus is operating in this manner. > waving its legs slowly >as if trying to tell him something. Crow: [spider] Two-legged freak! I laid eggs in your earhole, whaddaya think of that?! > He is riveted by it, >hypnotized by its otherworldly beauty and grace. > Mike: And appalled that the writer's ripping off Batman Forever. >Peter comes in the front door of the house after dark. He >passes the living room, telling his Aunt and Uncle that he >has to study. Tom: [Ben] Study what, Peter? Mike: [Peter] Turning into a spider. I mean porn. I MEAN DRUGS! I MEAN... ! Tom: [Ben] Have a nice time. > They ask him if he's okay. He says sure, >fine. > Crow: [writer] Note to self: Insert dialogue here. >Peter looks in the bathroom mirror. He looks normal. Tom: Compared to what? > He >looks at his hands. They have stopped shaking. Mike: And have turned an interesting shade of blue. > It >appears to be over, whatever it was. Tom: I wish we could say the same. > He rubs his wrists, >unconsciously. Rubbing his thumbs over the insides of his >wrists. They hurt but who knows why. > Crow: No reason, except maybe for the fact that he had a near death experience... >He notices suddenly that he can see perfectly. But that >he is not wearing glasses. Tom: Oh gee, did we forget to mention that? > He rushes into the bedroom and >puts them on... the world goes fuzzy. Mike: Satchel and Bucky are jumping all around the place... > He throws them >across the room. Rubs his eyes. Wow! The poison cured >his myopia. Tom: That sounds like a good name for a rock band. Mike: Been there. Done that. Formed in 1994. One CD, "Didn't Call, Didn't Show." Broke up in 1996. Tom: And yet you can't remember how to program the VCR. > Cool. > Crow: Of course, everything tastes like mustard now... Mike: Let's wait for the scene where he lifts his hair and sees six new eyes on his forehead. >Peter goes to bed, exhausted by the ordeal. He sleeps >soundly. The spider dream comes again. Tom: o/~ To dream... the arachnoidal dream! o/~ Mike: o/~ To dread... getting eaten by birds! o/~ Crow: o/~ To lurk... where the brave dare not scuttle! o/~ > This time rather >than a dark, roaring horror of confusing, disjointed >images... it is more refined. Tom: Cameron must have let someone else direct this part. > An aerial ballet of eerie >grace... the weaving of an orb-web from the spider's point >of view. Shimmering geometry in cold black space. > Crow: Okay, is this a movie or a Laser Floyd show? Tom: I say, a screenplay in verse. >THE NEXT DAY. Tight on Peter as he wakes up. Mike: This is like a Folgers commercial- except instead of coffee, he'll be sucking the juice from a grasshopper head. > He opens >his eyes cautiously. Not knowing what to expect. PULL >BACK to reveal that he is still in bed. Crow: But the bed is in THE GIRL'S LOCKER ROOM! AAUGH! > All is normal. Tom: Except for the push-up bra and stiletto pumps. >He breaths a sigh of relief. In fact... he feels pretty >good. Lots of energy. He pulls back the covers and... > Mike: Things suddenly take a turn for the weird. >Something is causing the sheet to stick to him. Tom: Oh no! Peanut Butter Man has struck again! > He lifts >it, revealing a sticky, white mass completely covering >him, gluing him to his bedding. It is some silky >substance webbing him into the covers. Mike: Real subtle metaphor there, Jimmy. Real subtle. > He cries out in >dismay... Crow: [Peter] Oh yuck Now Aunt May's gonna give me those funny looks again... > struggling to free himself from the gluey >strands. Where did it come from? He notices his >wrists... Mike: Wonders why handcuffs dangle from his left one... > >They are oozing a pearlescent white fluid Tom: EW, YUCK! EWWW! Crow: Who pays for product placement of nocturnal emissions?! Ick! > from almost >invisible slits about a quarter of an inch long. Mike: It's James Cameron's David Cronenberg's "Spider-Man". > He >pushes on the skin next to one of the slits and... Crow: With an ecstatic gasp, the bottom drops out of his mind. > a dark >shape, the size and color of a rose-thorn... Mike: It's a tumor! Tom: [Arnold] It's not a tuma! > emerges from >beneath the skin. It shoots a jet of liquid silk into his >face. > Crow: Sweet! Built in Silly String! >Peter screams at the top of his lungs. Mike: [Peter] THEY'VE TAKEN AWAY MY BEST PLOT CONTRIVANCE!!!! > >Aunt May comes to the door. "Peter, are you alright?" Tom: [Peter] Uh, nothing! Nothing! Just some Titanic flashbacks. >"Yes," he answers, nervously. "I'm... fine, Aunt May. Crow: I think I just became a man! > I >was just... uh... practicing for a school play." Crow: Good excuse, wrong universe. Tom: At the university, Peter must've stumbled into the seminar, Covering Up for Talking to Entities Unseen By Others, given by guest speaker Dr. Sam Beckett. >Aunt May says she's so happy that he's getting into other >activities. > Mike: Well, when you get a role like Quasimodo, good is debatable. >He gets out of bed and pulls the silky webbing off >himself, realizing how strong the stuff is. Crow: Ripping off his skin was his first clue. > He looks >again at the horrifying "spinnerets" on his wrists. Tom: Still... looks better than wearing a "Swatch". > He is >hyperventilating... freaking out. Mike: Looks like Dr. Feelgood needs to talk Petey down. > Like the guy in Kafka's >Metamorphosis, he has woken up to find out he is a bug. > Crow: Well, arachnid actually, but let's not split hairs. >Peter bangs out the back door of his house. He starts to >run. Mike: Then he dies his hair bright red, starts crossdressing and begins talking in German. > Anywhere. Trying to get away from himself. Tom: I tried that once, but everywhere I went there I was. > Away >from what is happening to him. He runs and runs in a >blind frenzy, not realizing how fast he is going. > Mike: Hey! Watch out for that- [The bots make crunching noises.] Mike: -telephone pole... >Peter shoots through the trees. Crow: Quickly passing the Evil Dead Cam. > He burst out into a >street. Mike: He cuts to the left, breaks a tackle, he's at the 40, the 30, the 20 - he *could* *go* *all* *the* *way*!!! > >Right in front of a speeding delivery truck. Crow: Ah! Peter's going to reenact his brethren being stepped on by an 8-year old. >Peter leaps. The truck roars on... horn honking. Peter >realizes he is twenty feet above the ground. Tom: Quick on the uptake, isn't he? >He yells in terror. He is sticking to the side of a >perfectly smooth building, by his palms two stories up. Mike: Boy, those PDA's get more advanced every year. >Like a cat, stuck in a tree, he doesn't know how to get >down. > Crow: Ah. He's like Mike at a dance club. Mike: Hey! >A kid rides by on a bike. >Hey! Peter yells. Kid! Crow: [Peter] What is today? Tom: [kid] Why, it's Christmas Day, sir! > Call 911! >The kid looks at him and rides off fast. Peter gingerly >pulls one palm loose... then loses traction and falls-- > Mike: [Peter] Alright I'm free! AHHHHH!!! >Landing with perfect catlike grace on feet and hands. He >stands unsteadily. > Tom: Hey, this seems familiar... Crow: If he starts flying around with his butt in the air, put me out of my misery. >What is going on? Crow: What's the buzz? Tom: Yeah! Tell us what's a-happening! > His body is changing. Where will it >stop? Crow: It's The Parker Show! Tom: Actually, Peter eventually does become a man-spider after his mutation spikes above the plateau. Mike: Tom, any more trivia and I start reciting Survivor lyrics. Tom: Fine. Sheesh. Spoilsport. > He tests his arms and legs, feeling the strange >energy pulsing through his muscles. > Mike: He's hitting puberty at light speed! >SEVERAL SCENES FOLLOW, of Peter realizing his new physical >powers... Tom: A veritable montage of discovery! > strength and agility. His horror begins to turn >to exhilaration as he finds himself capable of things he >never dreamed of. Mike: Like tap-dancing. > He finds his skinny body suddenly more >muscular, man-like. Crow: It's too bad we don't have some of those spiders up here, huh Mike? Mike: Watch it. > But beyond that he has inhuman power >in his muscles... he picks up the back end of a small car >by its bumper. Tom: Which *really* surprised the people inside... > Is he dreaming? > Crow: Or is he in Iowa? >He finds a position of his hand which seems to trip the >spinnerets in his wrist. Hand bent back to 90 degrees, >index and pinky finger extended. Mike: I could do that, but I'd rather not break my hand. Tom: [Hrmphs] Mr. Attention to Detail gets the hand position correct, but fails to notice that his beloved Science Boy Wonder has always synthesized the webbing in a home lab. Mike: Two worlds collide, rival nations... Tom: Alright, alright. I'll stop. > The fluid jets out under >pressure like a shot from a squirt gun, instantly >hardening into a strand tougher than nylon. Tom: That wasn't from the spider. That was from eating too much squirt cheese straight from the can. > He tests >it... can't break it. He even finds that it will support >his weight. He realizes it is spider silk. Crow: So why doesn't it come out of his butt, like a real spider? Mike: Crow! Crow: Hey, it's a legitimate complaint! > Peter shoots >some up a tree limb and hangs from it. Tom: His body would be discovered the next morning. Gil Grissom will be quite puzzled over the nature of the noose. > Starts swinging >back and forth... yelling with the thrill of it. > Crow: At least until the guys in the white coats get him. >CUT TO Peter at school, with his sleeves pulled down... Mike: Hiding the marks that come from using trendy Redrum heroin! Tom: Mike! No! >nervously looking around. Nobody notices him. Crow: He tells Pete about all the pranks he pulled that got blamed on Dolly, Billy, Jeffy, and PJ. > He >realizes that even though the most profound change >imaginable has happened to him, no one else knows... or >needs to know. Mike: Or even *wants* to know. Crow: Ah, he got bit by an Oliver North spider. > Which is good... because he's already >enough of a misfit. No point letting them know he's a >complete freak. > Tom: That's what the skirt is for. Crow: Heck, he's the kind you don't take home to mother. >In biology class he tells the teacher he wants to do the >term project on spiders. Tom: [teacher] Do it on paper like everyone else, weirdo freak! > Mary Jane is aghast. She thinks >they're revolting. Mike: Cuz she's a girl and all. Tom: She thinks that about K-Mart too. > Peter just wants to know more about >them. Because he wants to know more about himself. But >he can't exactly tell her that. Tom: So he gives her a sly cover story about having an arachnid fetish. > >Peter, in a junkyard after school. Crow: Constructing sentence fragments. > After making sure no- >one is around, he practices shooting silk. Tom: BLAM! Ha, gotcha, expensive designer tie! > MONTAGE of him >learning to control the flow, the diameter, the dispersion >etc., like a real spider does. We see him practicing web- >making. Mike: And making cute little doilies for his aunt. >Screwing up. Tom: Getting frustrated. Vowing revenge against scriptwriters. > Getting more accurate. Mike: Though, the writing's still as loose as ever. > Then gunslinger >moves, Crow: Waiting outside the dark tower, hangin' out with the Langoliers... > shooting the stuff around. Nailing a pop can in >mid-air. >Cut to long-shot... the area completely covered in webs. Tom: Leaving plenty of samples for Scully and Mulder. >A total mess. Crow: Somewhat like... Well, you know. Tom: Let's take a break. [The trio stands and exits the theater.] [1 . . . 2 . . . 3 . . . 4 . . . 5 . . . 6 . . . ] [As the doors open, we can see Mike leaning on the control console, sipping a cup of coffee and reading a copy of "Stupid White Males." After a moment, Crow enters, wearing a red and blue Spiderman costume.] Crow: Hello citizen! [Mike glances up.] Mike: Hi Crow. [Mike continues reading.] Crow: Who is this Crow? I'm Spiderman! Mike: Sure, sure. Whatever. What brings you to our little neck of the wood? Crow: Oh, you know. The usual fighting crime thing. Mike: There's not really much crime up here. Although there is this little gold robot who keeps stealing my E.L. Fudges. Crow: Oh, he was probably framed. Mike: I'm sure. Well, your spider powers should probably help you catch the real thief. Just like OJ did. Crow: Oh, I don't have spider powers. Mike: You don't? Crow: Nope. Mike: But yet you call yourself Spiderman. Crow: Well sure! You see, just recently I was bitten by a radioactive spider. Mike: And you gained super strength and the ability to climb walls, right? Crow: Nope. I learned that if I spoke to spiders, I could help train them. Mike: [Looking up] You can train spiders? Crow: Yep. If I speak to them in a calm and soft manner. Mike: So, you're basically a spider whisperer? Crow: I guess you can put it that way. Mike: Crow, go away. Crow: Oh ho! Evil is afoot! I'm off! [Crow exits. Mike shakes his head and returns to reading. Seconds later, Tom enters, also dressed in a Spiderman outfit. Tom moves unsteadily over to the console.] Tom: Hi. [Mike looks up.] Mike: Hi "spidey". Let me guess. You've been bitten by a radioactive spider. Tom: Yeah, it was glowing and all. Mike: And now you've got these fantastic spider powers. Tom: I guess. I just mostly feel really woozy. Mike: Oh. Well, maybe you should sit down. Tom: Yeah. I think I'll do that. [Tom wobbles offstage.] Mike: Take some Pepto-Bismol too! And maybe some anti-venom! [Mike shakes his head again and goes back to his reading. After a moment he sighs heavily.] Mike: Boy, I'm not mentioned anywhere in here. With the title, I figured I'd be a shoo-in. [Gypsy enters, also dressed ala Spidey.] Gypsy: Hey Mike. Mike: Hey Gyps. Let me guess, you were bitten by a radioactive spider. Gypsy: Huh? What are you talking about? Mike: I'm sorry. I just figured with the costume... Gypsy: What costume? [She exits. As she leaves, the movie sign begins to flash.] Mike: I probably don't want to know the answer to that one. [With a shrug, Mike hits the lights and the door sequence begins.] [6 . . . 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . ] [As Mike enters, Tom and Crow are already seated.] Crow: Mike, I think I actually ended up with Spider Snowboard powers, so I might be doing some shredding later. Tom: I think my internal organs are dissolving. Mike: Crow, you do that. Tom, if your organs do dissolve, try not to expel the remains towards me, 'kay? > >Cut to him drinking half a gallon of milk. Eating >voraciously. Mike: Liquid Plumber, beer cans, dry wall. It's all food to Peter. Crow: Soon, he'll be living in a dollhouse making fun of the bible, then wrecking Las Vegas. Tom: It's sad, really. > Replacing the protein he has used up. His >aunt is pleased with his appetite. > Mike: Up until he starts chasing the cat. >That night he is working on his homework, trying not to >let this new reality ruin his life. Crow: Goofus mutates, and neglects his studies as he explores every inch of his new powers. Gallant quickly calms down and tries to return to a normal routine. > His window is open. Tom: Allowing yummy mosquitoes to enter. >He looks out into the darkness. Mike: And the darkness looks back. >It beckons to him. The blackness, once a source of fear, >is now welcoming. He goes through the window, into the >world of night. Tom: o/~ Come and hear the muuuuusic of the night! o/~ > Instead of leaving his home, he feels >like he is going home. > Tom: We really should introduce him to Ungoliant sometime. Crow: Oh yeah, they'll hit it off for sure. >He climbs onto the roof. Mike: He begins to fiddle. Crow: o/~ When this old world starts getting me down... o/~ > He can see perfectly. He leaps >to the house next door. Tom: Scaring the bejesus out of his neighbors. > The heights don't scare him in >the least. He takes off running... > Tom: Then remembers that he can't fly... Crow: That Aztec guy ought to show up any time now. Mike: Him or Robert Culp. >TRACKING SHOT, going with Peter as he leaps from roof to >roof... running along the peaks... finally leaping to a >streetlight and doing a full flip around it. Tom: Flip *around*? Crow: That spider must have bitten Keri Strug at some point. > He shoots >some webbing onto the lightstandard and slowly lowers >himself to the street, landing perfectly. He bows >theatrically to nobody. Mike: But the grips and the gaffers appreciate the bow. >This is great! > Mike: But the French judges only gave it a 5.5. >He doesn't know what's happening to him, thinks he is a >freak, All: We agree! > his body has become a stranger. Hopefully this >will be seen correctly as a metaphor for puberty All: HOPEFULLY?! Mike: If that's what you wanted, what're you doin' in HIGH school? Junior high is where the hormones are. > and its >awakening of primal drives -- Crow: Geez. You're going to need a film degree to understand this film! > everybody goes through this >growing awareness that powerful forces are driving them >beneath their supposedly rational consciousness. > Tom: Well, *humans* do at least. Crow: [snicker] Mike: Laugh it up, guys. At least I don't run in terror when the recycling truck drives by. >SEQUENCE of Peter in the world of night. Climbing sheer >buildings... exploring. Learning. Tom: Loving. Laughing. > Leaping from roof to >roof to fire-escape to freeway overpass. > Mike: Then down to the cold, hard pavement. Now let's do a montage of Peter heading to the hospital... >Just when he is starting to get cocky, he slips off the >sheer face of a high-rise and falls. Crow: [basso] PUMAMAN! Oh, wait, no. It's Peter. > He shoots a silk- >strand out wildly... Tom: No need to be embarrassed - it happens to everyone. > it catches on something and he swings >in a wild arc through the darkness. He slams against >another building and sticks by his palms and feet. Mike: Yeah, now he dreadingly looks up to see his web strand on a 747 to Boston. > >He takes a breath, looking down. Close one, but he is >exhilarated. Wants to push it further. Tom: The suicidal part of Spiderman... > It is the first >time in his life he has ever been good at anything >physical. It is like a dream. Mike: Which explains the kangaroo doing the backstroke with Madam Lafarge over by the lollypop tree. > >We explore the idea that the lure of the dark replaces >fear of the dark... Crow: Even though we already did that a couple pages ago... > that the dark becomes a comforting, >nurturing place for Peter, rather than a place of dread >and uncertainty. He feels at home in the dark, secure >there... Tom: After all, if it's dark nobody can see what he's doing with his hands. > it is the place he seeks for solace, for peace. >Everything is backward for him. Crow: It's gnihtyreve! > Night becomes his day... >heights, previously terrifying now attract him. Tom: Now that's a weird fetish... > The air >becomes his water, he swims weightless where other mortals >would plummet and break. Mike: [Minnewegian] Oh, it sounds like the boy's all hopped up the goofballs, donchaknow? Tom: [Minnewegian] Yah, I heard that stuff'll make ya think yer head's just meltin' clean off dere. >He is at home in places others fear. Crow: Like the DMV. Or the IRS. Or the stands at a Mets game on "rusty battery" night. >And it stirs something dark inside him. >A predatory urge. Mike: Peter decides to head over to Au Bar... > >We see Peter following a figure far below the street. Tom: You mean in the sewers? Mike: Let's not jump to conclusions. > He >runs along a rooftop effortlessly. Tom: But he was just under the street... > A shadow in the >moonlight. The person below has no idea he is being >stalked. Mike: Well, if he did notice that would kind of defeat the purpose of stalking him... >We will hear Peter's thoughts (the equivalent of the >thought-bubble word balloons) as a voice over. Crow: o/~ Pop-up Movie! o/~ > He is >tripping on the power of being able to come and go like a >wraith... to watch without being seen. Tom: Oh, Spiderman's rarely used Intangibility power! Crow: Neat! When's he gonna use his heat vision? Mike: Well, they gotta leave some for the sequel ya know. > The ability to go >anywhere he wants without asking permission. Mike: Unless Aunt May grounds him. > He feels >like an adult for the first time. A man. > Tom: Well, that would explain where Spider-Girl came from. >He goes to Mary Jane's house. Crow: Something bad's going to happen, isn't it? Mike: All sign's point to yes. > Drop down from the roof and >looks in her window. Crow: Great, Spiderman's a peeping Tom. Tom: Or Bill Clinton. Crow: Did I mention that I hate this script? Mike: No, I don't think you have yet. Crow: Well, there you go. > She turns off the light, and >thinking she is unobserved, strips off her clothes. She >slips into bed in just her panties and a T-shirt. Crow: Did I mention that I like this script? Mike: Ha ha. > But >even this forbidden glimpse is too much for Peter. Mike: Peter goes into convulsions when he spots a "Maxim" at 7-11. > He >loses his concentration and with it his palm grip on the >wall. He crashes into the rose bushes. Crow: And Ozzie Nelson rushes out to see what all the fuss is about. > He is bounding >into the darkness as lights come on in the house behind >him. > Tom: Gunshots following in his wake. Mike: Durn smoochers! >CUT TO Peter, asleep in class. The teacher calls him >aside as the class files out, and asks him what is going >on. Crow: Mother, mother. There's too many of us dying. > His grades are slipping. Mike: Possibly because he was sleeping in class? > The straight A student has >slipped off the track. Peter says its a personal problem. Tom: Well, I guess being mutated would constitute a personal problem... >He should be fine. But we see that he is changing. His >life is changing. Mike: Oh, like what happened in Dharma and Greg? > >Peter figures there must be a way for him to make some >money with his new-found powers. > Tom: Of course, Peter's skills in science couldn't possibly be used to make him any money... >Peter has a piece of cardboard and a magic marker. He >writes Human Spider on the cardboard. Thinks about it. Tom: No, I don't think so. >Naw. He turns it over and writes... Crow: What is the Spanish-American War? > Man Spider. >Naw. >He gets another piece and writes Spider Man. >Naw. Mike: The Amazing Man Spider? >He turns it over to write something else, Crow: The Sub-Mariner, perhaps? > then he turns it >back. Looks at it. Mmmmm. Tom: The Dauntless Donut Man! > >Cut to the sign leaning against a light pole on the >boardwalk Rockaway. Mike: Someone should have told Peter that mime doesn't pay. > Peter has a black fishnet stocking >over his head, and dressed all in black, starts climbing >street-lights and doing gymnastics. Crow: Y'know, usually fishnets and streetlights have a slightly different context. Mike: Well - try no to dwell on it. > People throw >quarters, and even some dollars in a dish next the the >sign. Crow: Great. Now I'm getting "Attack of the Eye Creatures" flashbacks. > Peter works a few hours, Tom: Then gets carted off by the police when they find out that Spiderman doesn't have the right permits. > staking out some turf >between a mime and a guy using upside-down plastic pails >as drums. > Crow: This must be what it's like to be Ed McMahon. >A guy asks him if he works private parties and Peter >shrugs, sure. Crow: He doesn't want any details, or anything? Tom: Peter's very lonely. > The guy tells him he'll pay fifty bucks, >but Peter should get a better costume. > Mike: [man] Maybe something a little more clingy, and with a low neckline. >Peter, in class... drawing in his math notebook as the >teacher drones at the black-board. Tom: Okay kids, here's what you can do > He is doodling a >costume. We see several bad designs. Crow: He couldn't figure out where to put the pocket protector. Tom: And that gigantic thorax would only get in the way. > >CUT TO Peter working on the costume. Mike: Good thing he took Home Economics! > He buys a snappy >lycra dance-skin at a dance studio. Tom: With cute little tassels, and bright shiny buttons! > It is red and >midnight blue. With liquid thread he draws goofy web- >patterns all over it. Crow: Thus indicating he's Spiderman, and not some freak in a leotard. > A black spider on the chest. And a >big red spider on the back. He tries it on. Not bad. Tom: Apparently, being mutated by a radioactive spider destroys any and all fashion sense. > He >pulls the fishnet over his head. It disguises his >features just enough. Mike: Next, the button saying, "Hi! My name is PETER PARKER" > He cuts eye-shapes out of black >material and glues them on... big jack-o'-lantern eyes, >wise and a little wicked in their shape. Crow: Of course, now he's blind as a bat. Mike: [Pete] Here I gooooo *whumpf* Ow! *whumpf* Ow! *whumpf* Ow! Dangit! > >Last, he makes wrist pieces out of two old watch bands and >some cigarette lighters which he silver-solders together. Tom: Filled with jellignite, he straps these to his belt. His fantasy of taking out the whole school seems closer. >They do nothing. Mike: Just like Uncle Ben! > He will tell everyone he made these >high-tech wrist shooters which simulate spider-silk. Crow: Whether they ask him about them or not. > He >doesn't want them to think he's a freak of nature. Tom: So, sticking to walls and such is perfectly normal? Crow: Yeah, thanks to the Wall of Velcro! > They >are situated in such a way that his biological spinnerets >are just hidden, but unimpeded. It looks like the silk is >shooting out of the wrist bands. > All: [monotone] Ha. Ha. Ha. Your costume is ridiculous. >In front of the mirror he practices poses. Turning. Mike: Vogueing. He starts to sing "Lucky Star"... >Catching the light. Tom: Imitating Hitchcock. > He works on his voice, lowering it. >We see him becoming another person. Crow: Wally Cox! > Spider Man is born, >out of Peter the boy. Spider Man is everything Peter is >not... confident, cocky. Physical. Tom: I was just kidding about the Intangibility part. > Powerful. Smooth. >Ready with a snappy one-liner. Crow: And a witty retort? Mike: David Letterman *is* Spider-Man! > We see long-repressed >aspects of Peter coming out, Crow: He begins subscribing to "The Advocate." > being given form and >substance behind the mask. Crow: Geez Louise, the symbolism of "The Mask" is subtler than this! Mike: [Peter, but a la The Mask] Ssssppinnin'!! > >Aunt May, at the bathroom door, asks Peter when he is >going to be done rehearsing for the play... it's late. Tom: [Peter] Sorry, I'm not home right now! I'm walking in the spiderweb! Leave a message and I'll call you back! >Peter, flustered, whips off the mask. Crow: Are they doing the stage version of American Pie? > He reverts >instantly to himself. The fantasy broken. Tom: Mr. Whipper shrank back to his hidey-hole. Mike: Ick! Bad robot! Bad! > >Next we have a sequence of scenes where we see Spider Man >become a public phenomenon. He does his spider tricks at >an upscale party... climbing walls, swinging across the >room. They pay him 50 bucks. [All snicker.] Mike: Yes, the highlight of every "upscale" party, the $50 trained fool! > A booking agent sees him >and wants to put him on a public access variety show... Tom: And he's never heard from again. > a >kind of Gong Show for weird acts. He gets noticed, and >becomes a kind of 3 a.m. cult favorite. Mike: He's almost as big as the exploding robot! > His put-on deep >voice becomes natural to him. He tells the interviewer >that he built his wrist-shooters himself, Crow: Out of coconuts of course. Mike: I hope they don't ask him how they work... > and that the >webbing formula is a secret, but that the chemical process >is similar to rayon. Crow: And its name is rayon. And it shall be a good man. > >CUT TO an opulent mansion in Manhattan. Tom: Donald Trump plans his presidential campaign. > Marble floors. >Priceless art on the walls. Camera tracking through the >luxurious darkness, Crow: Past the buttery blackness into a cloyingly rich shadow. > to a vast living room with a fire >burning in an enormous fireplace. > Mike: Because having it burn on the sofa would've just been a bad choice. >One wall of the room is covered with TV screens. A FIGURE >watching it from a high-backed chair. Tom: So it's either Donald Pleasance, or Dr. Claw. > Watching the >Amazing Spider Man on the variety show. A hand appears >from behind the chair-back. Mike: Hey, it's Thing again! Crow: I was wondering when he would show up again. > With a minute gesture (and no >remote) the hand commands the TV screens, and they all >switch to the channel on which Spider Man is performing. Mike: Then the guy's wife comes in, complaining that he never lets her have control of the hand. >Twenty images of Spider Man on cable as... Tom: The sentence trails off... > >The audience claps and the host makes some backhanded >compliment. A joke at Spider Man's expense. Crow: Oh. He's on "The Daily Show." > Peter, eager >to please, doesn't get it. Mike: No surprise here. > He does another trick. Tom: Peter's been learning from Omar Sharif. > The >band strikes up and they go to commercial. Mike: This is really well funded for a public access show. > >We reveal the figure in the chair. This is CARLTON >STRAND. Crow: [laconic] Your doorman. > He is in his early forties and exudes power from >every pore. Tom: Teams of dermatologists work round the clock on a cure. > He is wearing a very expensive custom >tailored suit. His hair slicked back, very GQ. Crow: [confused] Grace Quigley? What? > His nails >are manicured. His watch is platinum. Tom: [Life of Brian] His bones are old. His back is bent. His teeth are grey. > He is the image of >vast wealth attained not inherited. Mike: So, I guess what you're trying to say here is that this guy's pretty wealthy, right? > > SPIDER MAN (V.O.) > Carlton Strand. You think Trump was big. > This guy was bigger. Crow: No comment. Mike: A wise choice my friend. > There he was sitting > like a big fat spider at the center of > his web of power and megabucks... and way > out at the edge he feels this little > vibration. > Mike: The downstairs neighbors must be playing their boombox again. >Strand's eyes are piercing, blazing with a malevolent >intelligence. Crow: A little Visine'll take care of that for ya. > He waves one hand minutely and the TV set >goes off. A man enters the room. Tom: Agent Cooper! > A square-jawed, solid >looking guy with a powerful build, named BOYD. Crow: Wow, Oil Can did pretty good for himself since leaving the Red Sox. > > STRAND > Find out everything you can about this > Spider Man. > Tom: [Strand] Then bring me one of those ice scrapers. A green one, with the brush on the end. >Body nods and exits. > Crow: Wait, which body? What's going on here? >CUT BACK TO SPIDER MAN hanging from the radio tower of the >World Trade Center. We will return periodically >throughout the film to this image of him in his eyrie. Tom: Canal? Mike: Yeah, I'll agree that it's pretty eerie, all right. > > SPIDER MAN > But he wasn't always Carlton Strand any > more than I was always your friendly > neighborhood Spider Man. At one time he > was just a punk names Carl... Tom: Another time he was Candy, a telemarketer from Oslo. > a two time > loser about to go down for the third time. > It was about ten years ago that Strand > got his cosmic tap on the shoulder... Mike: It's probably Vishnu. He keeps bugging me to loan him money. > >TEN YEARS AGO, NEW MEXICO DESERT: Tom: Thousands of people leave the Bronx. > >The wind is blowing sand across a desolate stretch of >desert highway. It is dusk and storm clouds have turned >the sky prematurely black. A single car rocketing along >at high speed. Blue and red lights come over the hills >behind it. Gaining. > Crow: So, they aren't being chased by the police, just lights? >Inside the car we see a younger and very different Carlton >Strand. Tom: Whoops! Sorry, that's Jeff Gordon. We've accidentally switched to the Brickyard 400. > He has crummy clothes, a four day beard and a >desperate look in his eye. Mike: So, basically, he looked like Steve Buscemi. > He's talking to somebody named >Bobby, trying to keep him calm, but you hear the panic in >Strand's voice. Crow: [Strand] Look, I *swear* there were TWO Whoppers in the bag when we left the drive through. Mike: ["Bobby", menacing] Yeah, but there's only one now! > >A view of the backseat reveals Bobby, slumped in the seat. >Bobby has been shot in the stomach and isn't holding up >his side of the conversation. Crow: Wuss. Tom: Heck, you can blow my head clean off and I'll still keep talking! > The desert rolls by unseen >by his staring eyes. Crow: Ray Charles? > >A Highway Patrol car pulls behind Strand's stolen Mercury. >Strand fires a pistol out the window at them. The running >gun-battle results in both cars crashing spectacularly. Mike: Details? Nah. Why bother? > >Strand leaps from the wrecked car, as more cops appear >over the hill, lights blazing. Tom: [cop] Dammit Hank, I told you we shoulda brought guns! > He runs out into the >scrubby desert clutching his pistol and a couple stacks of >bills... the pitiful score from their robbery gone sour. > Crow: At least he picked up those diapers for Arizona. >ON STRAND, running. He reaches a fence and climbs over >it. Nearby is a small cabin, with a sign on it that says >"Lightning Field House". Tom: I see Mrs. Field's has branched out to weather-related bed and breakfasts. > A man comes out of the cabin, >yelling something at him. Strand ignores him, running on >into the desert. > >He comes upon a strange place a mile further out. Mike: The Mustang Ranch? > It is a >field of stainless steel towers, straight rods over a >hundred feet high. There are hundreds of them, in perfect >rows, covering two acres. It is a conceptual art-piece... Crow: Oh, so that's why it makes no sense. >a sculpture called "The Lightning Field". Carl doesn't >know this. And he doesn't give a shit. Mike: Ooh. That could be a serious medical problem. You might want to see a doctor. > He stops amongst >the towers, exhausted. > >The cops reach the shack and the guy tells them they can't >go any further... the towers are designed to attract >lightning and if there's a strike, they'd be toast. Mike: Well, really they'd be closer to chicken strips than toast. > >Strand sees lightning strobing through the black, >turbulent sky. He crouches behind a tower, panting, >gripping his gun. Tom: Hopefully the one for shooting, and not the one for fun... > Ready to make a stand. It is full >night now, a wild howling night filled with the fury of a >desert storm. Mike: Special guest appearance by General Norman Schwarzkopf. > Thunder rolls across the hills. > Crow: Garth Brooks begins to sing about beating his wife. >Suddenly the Lightning Field is struck. Tom: Gosh, I didn't see that one coming. Crow: Hrmph. A real writer would have had a piece of were-raspberry jello show up and bite him. > As it was >designed to, it takes the energy of the lightning bolt and >distributes it from tower to tower until the whole thing >is blazing with blinding electric arcs in a huge >rectangular matrix. Crow: Now here's a good use of your tax dollars. Art that can only be appreciated in the pouring rain! > Caught at the center of it Strand is >crucified by lightning from every direction. Mike: Well, that's not really crucifixion, is it? > He is in a >vortex of electric fields never before experienced by a >human being. Crow: Unless they've been trapped in a clothes dryer with a bunch of sweaters and cats. > It lifts him off his feet with the power of >the charge. In tight close-up, we see it arcing inside >his eyeballs. Tom: Using patented eyeball cam! > The money drops from his hands... the bills >igniting into flaming moths that swirl away on the wind. Mike: So... if electricity turns people into supervillains, why do we use the electric chair? > >The cops watch the gorgeous, terrifying display. Tom: Watch lightning show or catch criminal? Hmmm? >Strand hits the ground, smoking and motionless. >The cops, watching through binoculars, know it is over. Tom: [cop] Okay, he's done. Get a shovel. And a pair of oven mitts. >It begins to rain, obscuring their view. They get out a >thermos of coffee and settle in to wait for morning. > >ON STRAND'S BODY. Tom: o/~ Carl Strand's body lies a-sizzlin' in the grave, his stench still lingers on. o/~ > Still. Then, incredibly, he stirs. He >sits up, groggy and disoriented. Crow: Hangover Man! Look! All the Pez in the world has disappeared! > >Strand escapes in the rain, finding a dirt road through >the nearby hills. He comes to a ranch house with a pickup >truck. He tries the key. Tom: Wow. This guy has Teela Brown-sized luck! > Nothing. He pops the hood and >looks... there is no battery. Mike: Just a tiny wheel and a bunch of hamster bones. > In a rage he grabs the two >battery cables. The engine starts to turn over. Crow: Then it pokes him in the ribs and goes back to sleep. > He looks >at his hands and realizes the voltage is coming from his >body. He starts the car and slams it into gear... tearing >out into the rainy night. > Tom: Only to grind to a halt as the car runs out of gas. Mike: Shouldn't Battery Boy here short out in all this rain? >He begins to comprehend that somehow he has been changed >by the powerful matrix of electric fields. Crow: Changed in a way OTHER than to a smoldering pile of ashes. > That he now >can generate a powerful charge, like an electric eel. > Mike: Or like Reddy Killowatt. Crow: He also started saying "Pika" a lot. >CUT TO STRAND walking into a back-room meeting of a few of >his hood acquaintances. It is weeks later and they are >surprised to see him. They thought he was dead. > Mike: His oil paintings had jumped in value almost 80%. >He says he was. Tom: Then he began to sing the "Sir Robin" song. > For a few minutes. He got zapped by >lightning out in the desert. While running from the cops. Crow: It also. Disoriented. His. Use of Punctuation. >Somebody set him up. The cops were waiting when he and >Bobby pulled the job. Mike: Denis Leary was even more P.O.'d than usual. > You guys wouldn't know anything >about that, would you? Crow: Hey, don't look at us! Tom: Yeah, we didn't have anything to do with it! Mike: I'm pretty sure that was dialogue, guys. > >He says he died in the desert and came back... but he came >back changed. Crow: He starts looking for angora sweaters. > He grabs the leader and stops his heart >with a zap to the chest. > Mike: But George Clooney quickly appeared with his defibrillators to save the day! >Then Strand demonstrates his power over life and death. Crow: Hey! *I* wanted that power! >He puts his hands on the guy's chest and yells, jokingly, >"Clear!" Tom: Michael? Mike: Huh? > He zaps him again and the crook's heart starts to >beat. He begins to come around. > Crow: And sues Carlton for malpractice. >Now they fear him. They start to go for their guns. >Strand blasts them with powerful bursts of electrical >energy, blowing them back against the walls. Mike: Strand's a dancin' with himse-elf. > They >collapse, their clothing on fire. Tom: Hey, this season's hot new look! > Only the leader is >left, the guy who set Strand up. Crow: [crook] So...uh, how's the kids? >Strand is clearly in total command of his new power. Tom: There were no "premature discharges", ifyaknowwhatImean. > He >explains that there is more to it than just being able to >generate, channel and project electrical energy. Mike: He can also generate a lovely new car smell. Tom: He instantly unclogs stubborn hair and grease clogs. Crow: And he now knows all the words to "Subterranean Homesick Blues". > >He can sense electrical energy as well. Tom: He starts watching static-filled channels because they have a really kickin' beat. > The world to him >has been transformed. All: o/~ Cause he's got a golden ticket! o/~ > Instead of matter, solid things, he >sees energy. A pulsing web of electric fields. Mike: The lightning turned him into Geordi LaForge? > He can >sense the current in the wires in the walls. Crow: [hood] Yeah, I got that when you said you saw energy. Can I die now please? > By laying >his hand on a telephone wire he can "hear" the >conversation. Mike: Which... considering each wire carries a thousand conversations at once is kind of useless, but still! > By touching a computer he can download the >data from its hard-drive. Tom: Wow! Downloading porn straight to the brain! Er, one of the brains, at least. > His brain itself has been >energized... Crow: Oh, now he's the Riddler! > and is now able to follow and analyze all >these signals. Mike: So we're not even going to take a stab at technobabble? Tom: All things considered, things are looking up! > The world is a pulsing circulatory system >of electrical and electromagnetic currents and waves. In >fact... he can't shut it out. Crow: He's just too full of love. > >The real power, he says, is not force but information. >Then force. > Mike: Then information again. Then back to force. Then information. Then he switches over to yodeling for a while. Then back to force. >He kills the leader of the gang and takes his place. Crow: Which is much easier to do after he set the rest of the gang on fire... >But he quickly realizes that the kind of crime these guys >were involved in was at a penny-ante level. The real rip- >offs were happening at a much higher level... Tom: Convenience stores and airport shops! > the multi- >billion dollar leveraged buyouts, corporate takeovers, >offshore bank scams. > Mike: Oh, he joined Enron. >He takes the resources of the two-bit crime syndicate and >takes them legit. Crow: They open a chain of dipped beef sandwich shops, with franchises in Rochedale, Buffalo, and coming soon to Claverack! > Then using his ability to steal and >manipulate data, he builds them into a mega-player. Mike: Of what? Who knows? But it sounds cool! > He is >utterly ruthless, brilliant, feared. And almost magical >in the way he knows everything that is going on. Tom: So being hit by lightning makes you omnipotent? Mike: It didn't work for my Uncle Roy. > Anyone >that stands in his way seems to conveniently die of a >heart attack. > Crow: I wonder what Larry King and Dave Letterman did to annoy him? >He considers the brute force display of power to be >vulgar. Tom: A string of heart attack victims would beg to differ. > The real power is the power to move the world... >through control of economic forces which are beyond the >realm of most people's imagination... Donald Trump meets >Milken, Tom: Milken Trump? Crow: Sounds like one of his wives. > mixed with homicidal psychosis. He knows he is >unique in all the world, destined for greatness, destined >to use the masses of everyday mortals for his own gain. Crow: Another one? Well, get in line. Tom: Bond Villain Philosophy 101. > >CUT BACK TO PRESENT, in Strand's mansion. A WOMAN enters >the room. She is stunningly beautiful. Tom: But dumb as a walk-in pie. > The kind of >consort you would expect for a man of wealth, power and >taste. This is CORDELIA. Crow: She's wandered over from the "Angel" set. > He motions her to him and she >glides over, but stops a foot away. > > STRAND > I must say, my dear. You look very usable > tonight. > Tom: Oh, very romantic. Crow: [Cordellia] Whatever, the meter's running. >She smiles playfully. He circles her, almost touching >her. Tom: Does this bug her? He's not touching her. > His hands move over her... inches from her skin. He >leans close and breathes in her scent. But he can't touch >her. > Crow: She's been polybagged for collectability. >She opens her silk robe. Tom: Saaaay! Mike: Suddenly, this story's become interesting! > Underneath she is wearing a >rubber wetsuit. Tom: Oh. Mike: Latex! Even better! Crow: Mike, you're scaring us. > He touches the rubber, running his >fingertips over her. We hear a faint crackling of >electricity. She seems both excited and apprehensive. Tom: Whoops! We've wandered into a "Red Shoe Diaries" script. > > STRAND > I want you. Not rubber. > > CORDELIA > No, Carl-- > > STRAND > Yes! > >Strand doesn't like the concept of no. Crow: The concept of "Baby Bob" freaks him out a bit, too. > He takes her in >his arms and kisses her. With passion. Tom: And tongue as well. > And more... her >hair stands straight out with the electrostatic charge. Mike: The part of Cordelia will be played by Macy Gray. >She begins to convulse, in tiny shivers at first but then >like an epileptic. Mike: Ugh. Tom: Cameron added this because a studio head was convinced watching women being tortured would be the "next big thing". > Suddenly she goes limp. Her eyes >stare fixedly at the ceiling. > Crow: So, she's thinking of England? > STRAND > Shit. Mike: [Strand] Didn't expect that completely foreseeable consequence. > >He drops her on a couch. Stands there in misery and >isolation. > Tom: He's in a Cure song. Mike: So...he can't touch anybody without electrocuting them? Crow: And you thought you were frustrated! Mike: ...shut up. >Strand has the midas touch. Tom: Everything he touches turns into a muffler? Crow: And here's a flashback to tell you how he got that... > He has everything and >nothing. Mike: He's Zen Man! > His electrical sense gives him the power to >manipulate computer bank transfers, the stock market, >etc... to make himself a billionaire. Tom: Actually his riches are just the accumulated savings from never having to buy batteries. > To sit at the >center of the world's great electronic web and feel its >vibrations. Crow: Remember, even though we haven't seen him for a while, this is still a Spider-Man movie. >So he has everything. > Tom: I bet he doesn't have the whitening power of bleach. Mike: In summary- Strand. A man who has everything. >But he cannot touch another person, or shake hands, >without a great effort of will to control his electrical >potential. Crow: The theory was, in the theater, the film would stop every ten seconds so Cameron could come out and explain what the scene meant. > And if he lets his guard down, in an intimate >moment with a woman, he will kill her with the high >voltage discharge. His love is deadly. Tom: His acting, more so. Mike: He's Lita Ford Man! > So he has learned >to live without love, without the comfort of human touch, >emotion, contact. Tom: 'Cuz a rock feels no pain. And an island never cries. >So he has nothing. > Crow: Except for big honkin' wads of cash. >He quickly unzips the front of her wetsuit and puts his >hands under the rubber. ZAP! Mike: Scott Baio! > Her body arches. Tom: Faking. > He steps >back, scowling. Impatient. Her eyes flutter open and she >struggles to breath. Crow: [Cordelia] Any calls while I was out? > > CORDELIA > I don't know how much more of this I can > take, Carl. > Mike: She keeps at it 'cause he makes her feel all tingly. Tom: [Strand] Cordy? Don't you love me anymore? I know that if our situations were reversed, I'd gladly let you electrocute me... >PETER STARTS slipping as a student, missing sleep... Crow: That's ok, he can make it up in class. Tom: And we missed a scene transition. >feeling the strain of a dual life. The only subject which >has kept his attention is biology, and he reads >voraciously on spiders... ostensibly for his term project. Crow: In reality, he was compensating for his deep-rooted ignorance of head lice. > >Mary Jane of course hates him for volunteering them for >such a disgusting project. Thinks he's a geek. Mike: And really, is she so far off the mark? Tom: And our guest geek, the Spider Geek! > He tries >to get her to see the beauty in spiders... Crow: Yeah, but dressing them up in miniskirts is just wrong! > how perfect >they are, how amazing, how their engineering is >astounding, how flawless they are as predators... Mike: [Pete, in a nerdy voice] And, and, and did you know that some spiders, hrm, some spiders can eat over two whole pounds of insects a day? Hm? Didja? Tom: [MJ] Ew! Um, Peter, is that a gnat in your teeth? > how >adaptable etc... Crow: [nerd] How they've seen like every single episode of Doctor Who! > how amazing their web-making ability >is... Tom: In comparison to that of, say, a dog, skink, or ocelot. > with the equivalent strength for its size greatly in >excess of steel... how they can vary the width, speed, >texture, stickiness etc. > Mike: How they turn their food's internal organs into liquid and suck them out? >He tells her how some species actually care for their >young. Crow: Until they bring some home some hotshot millipede punk boyfriend with no respect for an honest day's work! > The mother spider can distinguish the vibrations >in the web caused by her own young from the movements of >prey of enemies... Mike: Mainly by the screech as the older spider siblings give the younger ones horrendous eight-legged wedgies. Crow: Still bitter, Mike? Mike: A tad, perhaps. > they "see" by touch. Tom: Granted, distinguishing the feel of a tiny spider from some enormous bumbling wasp tangling goppy web around itself ain't exactly advanced placement calculus. > Cobweb spiders >perform stroking motions on the web to call their young, >and plucking motions to warn them of danger. > Tom: Or just to play old Molly Hatchet songs. Crow: Huh. First time I ever learned something from one of these things. >Sometimes the mother cares for the young spiderlings by >feeding them regurgitated food... Mike: Well, it's either that or Hardee's. Crow: Poor Petey never noticed how close "sparrows" was to "spiders" in his zoology book. > Mary Jane is grossed >out, looking at him like he just crawled out from under a >rock himself. Tom: [MJ] Ew! You're creepier than that Condit guy! > Somehow, in all this, he manages to make >her laugh. She actually starts to like him. > Tom: Hey, what girl wouldn't be impressed by a guy who knows his spiders? >Peter is walking out of the school with Mary Jane when >they are ambushed by Flash. Mike: Wally's just annoyed that he doesn't have a movie yet. Tom: Damn the luck, Flash got stung by a radioactive tarantula hawk last week. > He starts to ridicule Peter, >then threatens him. Peter just clenches his jaw and backs >away. Peter does not believe in violence... Crow: [Peter] Don't hit, don't hit! Please, I abhor violence! > and he has >never thrown a punch in his life. It just wouldn't occur >to him. > Mike: Oh, what a _great_ superhero. >Through a row of bushes he sees Flash grab Mary Jane by >the arm and spin her around. Crow: What the? But Peter was walking with Mary Jane just a second ago! Mike: It did say he left... Crow: So he just hops into the bushes? Mike: Apparently. > They are arguing. Flash >slaps her across the face. Crow: [Flash, slapping] YOU, will STAND there, and LET me ESTABLISH my CHARACTER! > Peter is so enraged his hands >snap a four inch tree limb without him realizing it. Crow: Gah! Make up your mind, script! Is he in the bushes or in a tree? Tom: Wow. Good thing he abhors violence and all. Mike: Flash is going to end up fed to a carnivorous singing alien plant, I just feel it. Crow: Cameron stole this plot from Kenny Rogers' "The Coward of the County". > >Flash is walking to his car after gymnastics practice. It >is dark. A figure drops silently down from behind him. Mike: Carrot Top? Crow: He's gone 1-800-CRAZY! >Flash spins and sees a guy in a black fishnet mask. >Thinking it is a robbery, Flash swings... only to grab his >own fist in pain. It was like hitting oak. > Mike: Meanwhile Pete's standing off to the side, wondering why Flash's hitting a tree. >Peter holds Flash with one hand and slaps him hard. Crow: He might not know how to punch, but Petey has a mean slap. [Everybody snickers.] > > SPIDER MAN > How do you like it? Huh? > Tom: I'd love to see the look on his face if Flash _did_ like it. >He slaps him again, backhand. Then he cocks back his fist >and BLAM! > Mike: Spontaneous combustion can strike at any time... >Punches Flash so hard he flies ten feet. He picks him up, >gets him in a painful armlock... marches him to his >beloved Porsche and slams him brutally against it. Tom: [Pete] You're taking up *two* parking spaces, you punk! > He >pounds Flash into the car until the jock collapses, Crow: He collapsed Flash's jock? Ewwwww! > semi- >conscious. Peter then rips a signpost out of the ground >and pounds the car into junk. Glass flies everywhere. Tom: He had one of those new all-glass Porsches. Mike: Well, you know what they say - "People who drive glass cars shouldn't tick off geeks with the proportional strength of a spider". > >Peter leans close to Flash and tells him to stay away from >Mary Jane... or else. > Crow: Granted, Flash is unconscious and can't hear the warning... >Cut to Peter running. He stops around a corner, out of >sight. Mike: Well, his life of not breaking the law has gotten off to an auspicious start. > In darkness he stands panting... looking down at >his hands. He rubs his knuckles. > > SPIDER MAN (V.O.) Tom: Incoming dialog! > I wonder if every hero remembers their > first punch. Mike: Or their first cotillion. > Well I do. Maybe it was all > the bullies, over the years, kicking the > skinny kid around. Crow: [Peter] Maybe I was rationalizing my inability to control my baser impulses. > All that stored up > rage just came out so fast it was scary. Tom: And being hit with all that Gamma radiation only made it worse. Crow: [Peter] SPIDEY SMASH! > For a split second I just wanted to kill > him. It's a good thing his car was there. > I always hated that Porsche. Mike: Let's just forget the fact that Flash's face now has the consistency of ground chuck. Crow: Shush, we're hating the car now. > >Peter is gasping, shaking with emotion. He feels like >this strange power flowing through him has unleashed >demons. Tom: Meanwhile in London, John Constantine feels a crossover coming on and sighs. > That he is becoming something he doesn't >recognize. Mike: A Rotarian? Crow: A Snuffelupagus? Tom: Lea Thompson? > He doesn't realize that these primal forces >are within us all... Crow: [Cameron] OK, I realize that's a broad generalization, but go with me on this one. > and the power, like the power of >adulthood... gives us the possibility of acting on those >dark urges. Tom: Uh... anybody follow that? Mike: I think I liked Cameron better when he was just cranking out Terminator films and plotting with the Masons to take over the world. Crow: Yeah, *that* at least made sense! > > SPIDER MAN > But the scariest thing of all was... Crow; That Flash seemed to enjoy the beating? > belting that jock butthead felt so good. Mike: Soon, Spiderman was punching everyone! The mailman! Car salesmen! Former Senator George Mitchell! > >Peter takes the subway to Manhattan. Tom: Thanks to Jared, he loses over 50 pounds. > Changes in a rest- >room. Soon, Spider Man is roaming the rooftops of the >most dramatic city in the world. Mike: He must be over the theater district. > The high-rises of >Manhattan become his domain. Crow: http://www.spiderman.manhattan.com > He swings across the >concrete and glass canyons, 40 floors above the street, >with ease and grace. Mike: And with Will and Grace, too. > It becomes a kind of private >odyssey, Crow: We'll get James Joyce to pinch up the script here. > where he can go anywhere and observe the entire >spectrum of human behavior like a ghost. Tom: So he's going to all his old familiar haunts? > He sees >businessmen, cops, hookers, secretaries, junkies, car >thieves, millionaires... Crow: Wow! Krispy Kreme is busy tonight! Mike: The "Hot donuts" light must be on. > all jammed together in the >concrete maze. He watches, unnoticed, through high-rise >windows... as a man screams at his children, as a >beautiful woman works out, Crow: And the camera spends 5 minutes at this window. > as a middle-aged man drinks >himself into a stupor crying, as a young woman plays with >a baby. His 17 year old mind can't make much sense of it. Tom: Nor can ours. Well, enough of that! Now back to that looker working out! >Why some have so much, others so little. Why there needs >to be so much pain. > Mike: And why does Pamela Anderson have another TV show? >Peter comes into his room through the window, in his >street clothes, at 2 a.m. Mike: The next morning, the police shoe up to investigate a possible burglary. Crow: [Peter] Darn nosey neighbor! > He sits on the bed... and the >door opens from the hall. Ben comes in and sits in a >chair. He doesn't turn on the light. > > BEN > I know I'm not very good at the father > thing, Pete. Crow: [Ben] So if you don't mind, I'm gonna head down to the pub and let Aunt May handle this. > You came into my life twenty > years past my prime time... Mike: He's a "What's Happening" guy in a "Seinfeld" world. > and I know > you're wrestling with things now that I > can't help you with much. I was your age > once... Tom: Almost three years ago. > I know, it's hard to imagine. > And it was the most painful, confusing > time of my whole life. Crow: [Peter] It gets better though, right? Mike: [Ben] ...Uh, sure! Of course! > I'm not going to > pretend to have all the answers for you, > but I want you to know we're here for you, > May and I. Mike: [Peter] Well, of course you are! It's not like you're gonna die soon or something! > You can talk to us. If you're > having problems, we'll understand. > Tom: [Ben] Well, we'll act like we'll understand. >Peter watches his uncle fumbling for the words. Mike: And Pittsburgh recovers on the 30. > He >notices that Ben's hands are shaking. He is touched. Crow: In an emotional way, and not in a Lifetime movie type of way. > But >how can he tell them what's going on in his head? Tom: Maybe through a song, like this... > Being a >teenager in the 90's is complex enough... Mike: Good thing the 90's are over, then. > Ben is obviously >thinking drugs, sex, gangs... Crow: It's all the old coot *ever* thinks about! > but this Spider Man thing >would be impossible to explain. Mike: Not really. Spider absorbs radiation, spider bites boy, boy becomes spider. > He doesn't even >understand it himself. Because he doesn't understand all >the forces at work in his mind, conscious and sub- >conscious. Tom: You know, it just isn't a superhero movie without the heavy handed psychobabble. Crow: Oy vey. > He thanks his uncle and tells him everything >is okay. Mike: "Anything," however, is not. > >Ben leaves the room, knowing he has failed. Crow: [Ben] Oh well. Maybe I can help my other brother's kid when he dies... > >Peter unbuttons his shirt. Mike: Next time on Ally McBeal... > Under it is the Spider Man >costume. He looks at the spider emblem drawn on his >chest. He takes the mask out of his back pocket and holds >it in his hand. The eyes seem to stare back at him. Tom: Accusingly. Perhaps even longingly... > >CUT TO Spider Man, creeping around a high-rise. He sees a >man and a woman arguing. Crow: It's the Lockhorns! > The man starts beating up on her >in a drunken rage. Peter can't stand to watch. Tom: So he leaves. > She cries >and tries to run but the guy catches her... hits her >again. And again. The next time he draw back his fist, >he feels something grab it and turns... Crow: And immediately gets a ticket for turning right on red. > >There is a guy in a mask there! Mike: Marv Albert? > Peter decks the guy with >one punch. It feels good to make a difference. To mete >out a little justice. To defend the helpless... Mike: To make other heroic clichés. > >Which is what he's thinking at the exact moment the woman >smashes a frying pan down on his head from behind. Tom: Ah, so it's *irony*! [Mike and Crow groan.] > > WOMAN > Leave my husband alone!! > >Now they're both beating on him, and he retreats in >confusion. Mike: Which isn't really unusual for Pete. > This spider Man thing is going to be harder >than he thought. People sure are complex. Crow: Well, people not in this movie anyway. > He has the >physical powers, but not the wisdom. Yet. > Mike: [Ben] Dang! I *knew* I forgot something I was going to say back there! >Spying on Mary Jane, the girl of his dreams. Tom: Ben and May sure did a good job raising him huh? Mike: Geez. Ted Bundy was less screwed up than Peter. > He discovers >that her home life is a living hell, with mean-spirited >and abusive parents. Crow; And just yesterday they all went to a party at Jack Taylor's. > Mary Jane is desperately unhappy... >living behind her mask of the popular girl. She has no >one to share her pain. Tom: Well, she can always go to the Mafia for guidance. > Peter is struck by the parallel in >their lives. > Mike: Pete, lots of people own Blondie albums. >Peter makes the big time. A syndicated variety show, on >one of the local independent stations. Tom: Special guest appearance by Wayne Brady. > The host >introduces Spider Man and nobody comes on the stage. Crow: Kaufmann used to do this bit. > A >beat... and then Peter (in costume) drops from the stage >ceiling right toward the audience, which screams. Tom: Then they all look for newspapers to swat him with. > Peter >swings and lands deftly on the stage. He does some >amazing Spider stuff... swinging, web-shooting, >acrobatics. > Mike: You know, non-descriptive stuff. >After his appearance on the show. Spider Man is leaving >backstage when he is approached by the most beautiful >woman he has ever met. Cordelia. Tom: Hey alright! The plots have converged! Crow: Say, is she wearing that rubber suit again? > She appears out of the >shadows and hands him a note. Tom: Deliver $3000 in small bills or else you'll see Aunt May again. > It says: THERE ARE OTHERS >LIKE YOU. Mike: Geeks in spandex? Tom: Zantax can help. Crow: Is this going to crossover with the X-men now? >There is an address and time for a rendezvous if he wants >to learn more. Mike: Along with an ad for the Federation Mobile Infantry. > >He looks up and the woman is gone. Tom: And there, on the sidewalk, lay a single red rose. > He runs out the >backstage door and sees her getting into a limo in the >alley behind the studio. He reaches the car just as it is >pulling away. Crow: [Peter] Ma'am? You left behind your note! >Suddenly a hand grabs him and spins him around. >He confronts a solidly built guy in a trenchcoat, Tom: The Question? > a hat >pulled down to shadow his mean eyes. Tom: How can we tell if they're mean if we can't see them? Crow: Maybe it's the "I'm not a nice guy" sign he's holding. > BOYD. Mike: Er, boyd. Crow: I just don't understand this new slang. > His hands are >huge. > Tom: Braggart. Crow: They're 12 1/2 inches! Mike: Stop it. >Peter tries to shrug off the grip, and is surprised that >he can't. He punches Boyd in the stomach... but his fist >sinks in up to the elbow. He pulls his hand out and sees >that it is covered with... Sand. Huh??!! Tom: Kitty Litter Man? > >Enter Sandman. Mike: And cue the Metallica. Crow: It's James Cameron vs. Neil Gaiman! >Boyd slams Spider Man in the jaw with a roundhouse >haymaker. It feels like concrete. Tom: There are dozens of old Italian men in tank tops, ridiculing his mix ratios. Mike: [Italian] Iz-za too much sand! It crumble like-a anisette toast! > That's because Sandman >can soften his body into sand, or harden any part of it >into rock, at will. Crow: Sand, rock. Pretty much the same thing. Tom: Sooo... there was ANOTHER chase scene ending at a conceptual art piece in a sandstorm, I guess. > >Spider Man is slammed back against the alley wall. Boyd >clips him again, Mike: Drawing a 15 yard penalty and bringing Spidey into field goal range. > then gut-punches him, doubling him over. Mike: Ew, half-digested fly guts, coming up! >One more solid roundhouse and Peter is on his knees, >gasping. > Tom: Suddenly Arn Anderson jumps into the ring with a folding chair! Oh, the humanity! >He looks up, groggily. He know this guy is more than >human. Tom: Is he more than meets the eye, too? > Peter yells and leaps up, putting all the force he >has into a roundhouse which could go through the side of a >truck. Mike: And if Boyd were a truck, I'm sure we'd all be impressed right now. >It catches Boyd squarely in the face... >And goes right through. There is an explosion of white >sand. >Boyd's face shifts and reforms. Tom: So his face went straight? > He brushes at the sand on >the lapel of his coat. Crow: And let's a couple kilos pour out of his pants leg. > Then laughs eerily. All: [Krankor] Ha! Ha! Haaaa! >His face dissolves again, into sand, which runs down... >his whole body losing its form, dropping into a puddle of >sand, which drains through a grating down into some tunnel >below the alley. Tom: Leaving behind his clothes. Mike: That's gonna be embarrassing. > Only the coat and hat remain, and a few >grains of sand blowing in the wind. Tom: o/~ The sand grains are blowin' in the wind. o/~ > >Peter is dumbfounded. Mike: What else is new? > He is not alone. Crow: Duh. He's in New Yawk. 8 million people, don't cha know? > There are others >with strange powers. Tom: He probably should have deduced that from the Justice League's weekly news conferences. > But it is cold comfort if they are >bastards like this sand-guy. Crow: So... Strand recruits people by having his henchmen nearly kill them? Mike: I hear Bill Gates does the same thing. > He limps down the alley to >where he stashed his clothes and then climbs into the >night. > Tom: The night is the top bunk bed? What? >The next day Peter learns that making money as Spider Man >is harder than he thought. Crow: Well, there is a recession after all. Mike: Parker? Complain to someone who didn't do temp work. > The TV shows can't pay him >cash, Tom: So they just don't pay him. > so he has the sleazy booking agent cash the checks >for him. Mike: Oh, smart. Crow: I don't know, sleazy agent sounds kinda redundant. > Peter gets his uncle Ben to drive him to the >booking agent's building, under some pretense. Tom: [Peter] Oh, I just need to see my dealer. He said he got some pretty good stuff in last night. > He goes in >alone and changes into his costume in a restroom. Peter >goes in to collect his money and the guy is broke, out of >business. The guy tells him to beat it. Mike: Then Eddie Van Halen rips into a guitar solo. > > SLEAZY AGENT Crow: Yikes! Dialogue! > Go ahead. You want to call the cops... Tom: [Agent] Whatchoo gonna do? Whatchoo gonna do when they come for you? > Call 'en. I'm sure they'll be happy to > press charges for you. The second you > take off the stupid mask and show them > some ID. > Mike: Ooh, touché. Crow: [Peter] Damn, I wish there was something I could do about this! Oh well.... >Peter doesn't want anyone to know who Spider Man is. Tom: Which is why he parades around on TV, obviously. > He >doesn't want to be revealed as Peter Parker, the freak. Mike: He wants to be revealed as Peter Parker, *MASTER THESPIAN*! >He wants to spare his aunt and uncle the humiliation. Crow: Little does Peter know that Ben and May once were known as Captain Liberty and WAC Girl! > As >long as his identity is secret, then people can go on >thinking the web-shooters are man-made gizmos... and not a >part of him which he can not take off. Tom: And that's why he can never marry Lois or Lana. Crow: I don't know why I'm saying this in a teenage mutant man-spider movie, but that logic makes no sense. > >As Peter is leaving, he encounters a robbery in progress >on the same floor. Tom: Thievery in an agent's office?! I'm shocked! Shocked! Mike: Which saves us from yet another list of Petey's psychoses. Thank you, contrivance! > The thief is wearing a ski-mask. Crow: Jean-Claude Killy! No! > He >does a double take at Peter... two masked guys staring at >each other. Crow: And then the luchedores begin to grapple. Tom: Sampson went over to the dark side. > Peter notices the thief has a tattoo of a >cobra on his hand. > Crow: So C.O.B.R.A.'s reduced to robbing banks? >The thief runs past him, and down the stairs. Mike: Mobsters begin to shoot at him as a baby carriage begins to roll down the stairs... > A security >guard runs up... Tom: Even though the robber just ran down? > a fat guy who has no chance of catching >the criminal. Mike: [snickering] Good work, Acme Job Placement Agency! Tom: May as well send Gary Coleman to be a sumo wrestler. > He recognizes the Spider Man costume and >tells Peter to go get the guy because he can't. Crow: It's time for his break. Union rules, 'ya know. > Peter, >dejected and pissed off, shrugs. Tom: [Peter] Geez man, you're acting like he's gonna kill somebody, or something. > > SPIDER MAN > It's not my job. > >Peter secretly changes and returns to the parking lot to >meet his uncle Ben... Mike: [Peter] Eh, may as well cancel Ben's comprehensive life insurance while I'm here. > >Only to find a small crowd of people gathered around >someone lying on the ground. Crow: Well, at least they got this part right. Tom: I'd be worried if they didn't. > It is his Uncle. Mike: Robert Vaughn is dead? NOOOOO!!!! > He has >been shot in the chest by a car-jacker who pulled him out >of his car and took off. Peter watches him die before the >ambulance gets there. > Tom: So... that's it. No touching last words, no tearful goodbyes? Crow: Yup. He's dead, Tom. Mike: Then some Soultakers show up and the real fun begins! >A random crime. Tom: Brisco and Logan will solve it in the next half hour, though. > Senseless. Mike: Much like this script. > Hard to solve. Crow: Unless you buy the strategy guide. Only $19.99 from Prima! >Peter becomes obsessed with finding his uncle's killer. Tom: He repeatedly tries to arrest Chow Yun Fat. >Using his Spider Man skills he begins a one-man manhunt. >For the first time we see him using his new powers for a >non-selfish end. Mike: I suppose trying to avenge your uncle's death is non-selfish. > He spies on the police, Crow: He sees Dennis Franz's naked rear more times than he can count. > taking what they >know and following his own leads. > Crow: Just like Angela Lansbury. If she were mutating into a spider, that is. >He tracks the guy down to a warehouse and goes in to get >him. Mike: Setting a new record for Superhero Relative's Death Avengance. > Peter drops into the room with the guy... who laughs >when he sees him. > > KILLER Tom: I suppose we should be glad he's not named Snivley Von Evildude. > Well. The fag in tights. Mike: Yeah, I'm glad Mel Brooks went with the other title for his Robin Hood spoof. > We keep bumping > into each other. > Crow: You sure Schumacher didn't write this? >Without warning the guy grabs a gun and shoots at Peter, >who reacts without thinking, actually dodging the bullet. Mike: Clearly, there is no spoon. >The thief keeps firing and Spider Man moves like >lightning, dodging the rounds as he leaps... [A moment of silence.] Crow: You know, I think I've seen this before... Tom: Yeah...Leaping around like an idiot, using his powers for peeping... Mike: Guys? You'll kill me if that Aztec guys shows up, alright? > firing his >web and jerking the gun out of the guy's hands. He grabs >the killer and slams him against the wall... wanting to >pound the life out of him. He hauls back his fist to >smash the guy's face in... Mike: And is stopped by a plot device. >And sees the cobra tattoo on the back of his hand. Tom: [Spidey] When did I get this tattoo? >FLASHBACK: The guy in the hall. Crow: Scott Thompson? > The tattoo. The guard >telling him to catch the guy. Mike: So it never occurred to Pete during his hunt for his uncle's killer that the crook he saw running from the building five seconds earlier MIGHT be connected in some way? Tom: "Spider Sense" seems only marginally more useful than "Barnacle Sense". > >Peter realizes it is the thief who ran past him in the >building. All: Duhhhh. > If he has stopped him then, his uncle would >still be alive. Tom: Only to die of a heart attack a few minutes later. > He could have done it. The power, the >speed, the strength, Mike: The infraggable krunkiness. > to do it... all his now. But he >didn't use it responsibly. The crushing weight of the >responsibility that goes with power suddenly descends on >him. Crow: [bored] Because with great power comes great responsibility. Tom: Um, script? That line would have more impact if someone had said it before, preferably Ben. After all, IT IS HIS ONE BIG LINE IN THE ENTIRE SERIES!!! > >He releases the guy, his anger gone. Mike: And the killer quickly runs out and tries to mug the Waynes outside the theater. > He is overwhelmed by >guilt. Crow: While we're underwhelmed by the script. > He raises his hands and shoots webbing all over >the guy. > Tom: Oh, I get it! So instead of killing him with his bare hands, he suffocates him with webbing! Crow: Sadist. >CUT TO two cops driving through the park. Crow: Meanwhile, near Ludlow, Illinois. > Spider Man >drops down in their headlights, Mike: [cop] Hey Hank, did you feel that? Felt like we ran over a Marvel superhero. > with the killer over his >shoulder. Crow: Awww. They're eloping. How sweet. > He slams the guy, bound in webbing, onto the >hood of the car and tells them he is the killer of Ben >Parker. Tom: Instantly, the cops try and arrest Spidey, since he just confessed. > Peter expects to see some justice done... Mike: In 3-5 years when the court date actually arrives. Tom: [sarcastically] Oh, you mean from the police? Whatever gave him that idea? Crow: Predictable, huh? > >But the cops aren't about to take the word of some whacko >in tights. Crow: Odd that. > The killer is wailing and trying to get free, >saying this crazy guy tied him up, HELP! Mike: Cue the fab Four montage! > The cops tell >Peter to pull off the mask. He won't. Crow: [Peter] Why did I superglue this to my face? > They tell him to >come to the station with them. Mike: [Police] We've got donuts there! > They put handcuffs on him >and start to take him in. Tom: While cuffed, Peter begins to run through his list of mental problems again... > Peter becomes furious... that >he is being treated like the criminal, when he has solved >the crime and brought them the murderer. Mike: Sure, he neglected the whole "evidence" thing, and committed several crimes himself... > When he resists, >the cops get rough. > Crow: See, in LA, someone would be videotaping this. >Spider Man breaks the handcuffs and hurls the cops away >from him. Tom: Stuntmen are hurled into fake brick walls! > They land on the pavement, and go for their >guns. Peter, cursing, leaps into the darkness, catching a >streetlight, swinging up to a rooftop, and vanishing. The >bruised cops are amazed. > Mike: [cop] Aw cripes, that's the fifth vigilante that escaped this week! Tom: [cop] And it's only Tuesday! >That night a local TV station, owned by J. JONAH JAMESON, All: [dramatically] Dum dum DUMMMMMM! >runs a story on the evening news that two cops were >assaulted by the mysterious character known as the Spider >Man. > Crow: But since it was 'the Spider Man' and not Spiderman, what do we care? Mike: You're really splitting hairs now. >Thus begins Spider Man's feud with the cops and Jameson, >his media nemesis. Crow: I thought that was Ted Turner. Tom: And thus begins our trek to the bridge. [Mike picks up Tom, and all three head out to the bridge...] [1 . . . 2 . . . 3 . . . 4 . . . 5 . . . 6 . . . ] [The Bridge] [Tom and Crow stand behind the console, chatting.] Crow: That was kinda lame. Tom: My exiting line? I thought it was pretty good. Crow: No, Uncle Ben's death. It lacked a certain "oomph" to it. Tom: It did lack a certain narrative punch. Crow: Really, it felt like we were watching someone in a slasher flick. We knew he was going to die, but we really didn't care. Tom: Plus, it was as goofy as him getting knocked off by Johni DC, Crow: How so? Tom: Um, I'm not really sure. I just thought it'd be neat to drag Johni DC into this. Crow: Oh. [Silence.] Crow: Well, enough of that. Say, Natalie Portman sure looks hot in Episode II. Tom: Crow, she's nineteen. That's a little young, don't you think? Crow: Tom, we're only fourteen. Tom: Oh, yeah. heck, I guess she is hot then. Mike: [V.O.] For shame, both of you. Crow: Mike? Tom: Where are you? Crow: You're not hiding in the air vents again? You know how we've warned you about that. Mike: [V.O.] No, I'm not in the air vents. I'm merely emulating the narrator in today's feature. Crow: You're pretending to be Spiderman? Mike: [V.O.] No. I'm the narrator! Tom: That was Spiderman, Mike. Mike: [V.O.] No, you know. The guy who keep describing the impossible to film things. Crow: That's more of a script direction, Mike. Tom: Or an author's note. Mike: [V.O.] Whatever. I'm still emulating him, 'kay? So, go about your normal business. Crow: Sure thing. So, Tom can you believe they're making "Jackass- The Movie"? Mike: [V.O.] They continued on with their mindless banter. Often people talk aimlessly when they have nothing real to say. Or if they're lonely. My cousin Earl was like that. He'd often ramble on at length about the spider creatures that lived in the ceiling. He claimed they worked for the CIA. Tom: Mike? Mike: [V.O.] In fact, he claimed that his only friend was his bobble-headed Barry Bonds doll. In fact... What? What was that, Barry? You want me to go see "My Left Foot"? Well, I know that Daniel Day Lewis was very good in it. Crow: Mike! Mike: [V.O.] What? Crow: You're rambling. Mike: [V.O.] Oh. Sorry. The robots continued to talk. They mostly discussed inconsequential stuff, but there was an unspoken undertone to the entire conversation. Their unspoken admiration for the one called... Mike. Crow: Okay, that's it. I'm going to kill him. Tom: Only if I don't find him first. [The bots begin to frantically search the Bridge. Mike continues on, unabated.] Mike: [V.O.] Oh, yes. Both of them were in awe of the magnificent being known as Mike. They loved his sense of humor. They hung on his every word. They found him to the manliest of men... Crow: Oh, please! Tom: Crow! Over here! The broom closet! Mike: [V.O.] Why after hours, the little robots would sing praises to Mike's name. Then they... hey! What are you doing? Pay no attention to that man in the broom closet! Ow! Hey! Stop that! [The movie sign begins to flash.] Mike: [V.O.] Guys! Stop! We've got movie sign! No, really! We do! Ow! Put the pipe down! Owie! [As the sounds of Mike being pummeled continue, the door sequence begins.] [6 . . . 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . ] [The bots enter, followed by a limping Mike.] Mike: It was all a joke, guys. Crow: Sure it was. Tom: Just like our beating you up was. > This can be developed over ensuing >scenes as Peter accepts the mantle of crime-fighter. Mike: Actually, he grabbed it when Daredevil wasn't looking. > >Peter goes after criminals now with a vengeance. Crow: Jaywalkers beware! > He wants >the world to have some justice... something that seems to >be lacking everywhere he looks. > Tom: So that's why he was watching Judge Judy. Mike: I was wondering about that, myself. Crow: Maybe he should hook up with Amelia? Tom: You know what? That's probably the only thing that could make this worse. >Spider Man becomes a one-man anti-crime wave. He goes >after crooks so single-mindedly and viciously that we fear >for him... Mike: ...We do? Crow: Well... nah. > for what he is becoming. Tom: Namely, a real pain in the hinder. > He seems to feed on >it, going a little nuts. Mike: Short trip. > He makes enemies of virtually >everybody. Crow: The Mafia. The Post Office. Martha Stewart. Everyone! > Except for a few grateful victims or near- >victims. Tom: And sentence fragments. > Maybe it was all those years of being the >helpless geek, Mike: I choose... the Helpless Geek! > kicked around by the schoolyard bullies, >with no one to protect him. Crow: Except for his friends from the Hundred Acre Wood. > No father. No older brother. Tom: No puppy named Scruffy. >Now he wants to be the big strong older brother to the >world. Mike: He wants to snag on the world and give it wedgies? Crow: C'mon, Mike, let it go. Mike