Mystery Usenet Theater 3000: The Return of the Lawndale Militia By Peter Guerin Misted by: Alex Gariepy, Bill Livingston, Brendan Herlihy, Antaeus Feldspar, Matt Blackwell, Rebo Valance With Assistance by Abigail Springman [OPEN ON: The Bridge of the Satellite of Love.] [CLOSE ON: A mounted and stuffed fish, only the fish head has been chopped off and replaced with CROW'S HEAD. It's not moving. He looks straight ahead, very dead. Hold for 6.3 seconds. Then...:] Crow's Head: [turning to the camera] Hey, buddy! Take a picture, it'll last longer! [Crow turns his head back and reverts to "dead state". Tom enters from the left, laughing. He speaks as a warm and friendly commercial announcer.] Tom: Yes, it's Billy, the Big-Mouthed... [struggles, can't come up with the right word, gives up] Crow. Crow: [turning again] I knew that free buffet came with a catch! Tom: Billy the Big-Mouthed Crow has a vocabulary of 800 words! Crow: 400 of which I can say in public! Jeez, what a bad toup- oh that's your hair, isn't it? Tom: Billy's sure to be the hit of your next housewarming, wedding, baby shower or funeral! Crow: Here, quick impression for ya: a robot being cut in half and sewn to a fish's butt. [Crow screams and wails.] AAAAAAAAAAAAUGH KILL ME NOW KILL ME NOW KILL ME NO-HOW-HOOOW! Tom: And, he sings! Crow: o/~ Jimmy Crack Corn, and I don't care! That you ripped me from my natural environment, dissected me without anesthetic, ignored my tortured screams, nailed me to your wall, and expect me to kiss your fat-! o/~ [Mike quietly enters into the background, not speaking. He has that patient "I'll wait 'til your finished" look about him.] Tom: Don't delay! Send your check or money order to! Billy! The Big-Mouthed... Crow. Crow: Hey, is that an impressionable young kid? LESBIAN! Ha! [The light flashes. Mike smiles resignedly at the audience.] Mike: Welcome to the living Nickelodeon cartoon from hell I call my life. We'll be right back. Tom: Also available: Billy the Big Mouthed Crow 2000! With off switch! [Logo, commercials.] ================================================================ [The SoL's Bridge.] [Mike is leaning on Billy the Big Mouthed Crow while talking to Tom.] Tom: But don't you see, Mike! We'll sell millions of these babies! Millions! Mike: Tom, you're selling Crow's head! How many Crow's heads do you have? Tom: [hedging] Well it's hard to precisely say exactly, what with the high turnover rate and our computer inventory system being temporarily out of... [comes down] one. Mike: And how many orders have you taken? Crow: [coming to life] Thirteen thousand units! Mike: OK, now do you see where this could cause a problem? Crow: No. [Another Tom Servo enters carrying a stack of three boxes.] Tom #2: Where ya want the new shipment of fishtails, Mr. Servo? Tom: Mailroom, Tommy! And get the other twelve thousand, nine hundred ninety nine me's to help you out! Tom #2: [exiting] OK! Mike: [to Crow] And you! How could you let him do this to you?! Crow: Oh, Mike! I know I've been robbed of my freedom, bought and sold like a '68 Volkswagen, and the stitches in my side have probably become disgustingly infected! But the important thing is: Tom said I'd look cool! Mike: You look like a freak show! Crow: No! No, I'm sure if that were the case, Tom would tell me. Wouldn't you, Tommy! Tom: Absolutely! Mike: And what are we gonna do in the theater? Tom: Got it covered, Mikey! [Entering from the left is Crow's bottom half with a fish head stuck to the top. It's dancing and lip-synching to recorded music.] Fish: o/~ Splish splash! I was takin' a bath! Long about a Saturday Night-! o/~ Mike: [sighs, sees light flash] Mrs. Paul's calling. Thank goodness. [Castle Forrester] [Pearl, Observer and Professor Bobo stand in the foreground. The sound of a printer running can be faintly heard in the background.] Pearl: Morning Mike. Tom. Crow. Fish thing. Observer: I believe that's a manatee, Pearl. Pearl: [Snort] Manatees are mythological, Brainy. Bobo: Oh, that's not true, lawgiver. One time when I was on a trip to Newfoundland, I came face to face with one of them! It was horrible, what with its evil stare and icky breath! Oooh! Observer: Oh, please. Bobo, this is no different than the time when you saw Yahoo Serious at the Sam Goody's. Bobo: But he was there! He was looking at Bad Company CDs! Pearl: What about the time you saw the fire breathing Dragon at Old Chicago? Bobo: He was having some buffalo wings! [SoL] [Mike is reattaching Crow's head with a wrench. Crow is being difficult.] Crow: [resentful] Don't touch me. Don't ever touch me! Mike: [to Tom] Do you think we should break up this conversation? Tom: Hey, as long as they're talking, that means no experiment. Mike: Well, this isn't much better. Crow: [defiantly at Mike] Me and my separated Siamese fish brother will wreak revenge on you! Tommy, get the wicker basket! Mike: Oh, hush. [to Pearl] Hey Pearl? Were you calling us for a reason? [Castle Forrester] Pearl: Oh, thanks for reminding... Bobo: But I do know Yeti! Bob and Cindi Yeti! They play poker with Christian Slater every Thursday! Observer: Hush, Bobo. Bobo: But...! Pearl: Bobo? Do you want to clean out the septic tank behind the Circle K again? Bobo: [Quietly] No, ma'am. Pearl: Then shut up. [She takes a breath.] Anyway, Nelson, we've got a special treat for you tonight. We've managed to find a sequel to one of your least favorite experiments... [SoL] [The trio looks aghast.] Mike: Dear lord. They didn't make "Shakes the Clown II" did they? Crow: [shaking] Mike, Hollywood can't be that evil, can they?? Mike: I don't know, Crow. I just don't know. [Castle Forrester] [The mads look a bit confused.] Pearl: Er, no. It's a sequel to Pete Guerin's epic, "The Mandingo Suppertime Zucchini Blunderbuss"! Observer: Actually, it's "The Misery Senshi Neo-Zero Double Blitzkrieg Debacle", Pearl. Pearl: Whatever. [SoL] Mike: Oh. Well, that's marginally less evil. I guess. Crow: [still shaking] No Bobcat? Mike: No, Crow. Just Peter Guerin. Crow: Oh. [Crow stops shaking for a moment, then resumes trembling at a greater rate.] But Guerin writes crossovers! Shakes might be in this one! Mike: I kind of doubt it. Tom: Say, Pearl? I see all of you down there. Shouldn't Pete still be talking one of your ears off? [Castle Forrester] Pearl: Well, thankfully we took precautions this time. I faxed him for permission on this one. And... [The mads turn to the back of the castle as the camera pans back, revealing a still printing fax machine surrounded by paper.] Pearl: ...Well, you see the result. Observer: This started three hours ago. Bobo: I've had to add more paper twice! Pearl: Prepare to meet [dramatic pause] THE RETURN OF THE LAWNDALE MILITIA! BWHA-HA-HA! Send it up, Brain Guy! [SoL] [the lights are flashing merrily.] All: AHHH! WE'VE GOT GUERIN SIGN!!! [Mike hits the mads light, and the door sequence begins.] [6 . . . 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . ] [Mike and the bots enter and sit.] Mike: Okay, is everyone ready? Looks like it'll be another long one. Crow: Yeah, I'm ready. Tom: Hang on. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! Okay. I got that outta my system. I'm ready. Mike: Here we go then. >RETURN OF THE LAWNDALE MILITIA Tom: Because absolutely *no one* demanded it! Mike: Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the 10 Spot... >A Daria/Gunsmith Cats/Here is Greenwood >Crossover Fan Fiction Story Mike: Armed Maine Coons meet Mr. O'Neill at a country music concert? >By >Peter W. Guerin Crow: Former President Peter Herbert Walker Guerin's son! Tom: The W stands for: Why? Why? >------------------------------------------------------------ >With apologies to Glenn Eichler, Susie Lewis, >Kenichi Sonada, Yukie Nasu and Naoko Takeuchi. Crow: If you're going to apologize to the whole world individually, I suggest you send representatives to all 6 billion people. >------------------------------------------------------------ > >AUTHOR'S DISCLAIMER AND NOTES > Tom: [Guerin] Feelin' fine. I met some gal named Susan the other day... Mike: Somehow, I don't think he meant his journal entries, Tom. >None of this ever happened. Crow: Or - did it? Mike: No it didn't - stop that. > This story is entirely a >work of fiction. Tom: It's scary to contemplate that yes, some people probably need to be told. > As for continuity, Crow: Fuhgeddaboutit! > this story takes place >after "The Dinner Date from Hell" Tom: Hey Mike, Pete's been snooping in your social life. Mike: Hardy-har-har. > and is Part 2 of the >"Lawndale Militia Trilogy." > Mike: Look for Part Three, "Abbott and Costello Meet the Lawndale Militia", soon at a fanfic site near you. >For those who are not familiar with either "Gunsmith >Cats" or "Here is Greenwood," Mike: Well, he's speaking to us again, guys. Tom: Speak for yourself. I loved those singing, dancing, shooting kitties. Crow: And I saw every episode of "Greenwood 2nite." Martin Mull was hilarious in it! > brief descriptions follow. Mike: So "brief" descriptions are those rants lasting five or so pages? > >1. GUNSMITH CATS > Crow: If T.S. Eliot had lived in Montana! Tom: From the makers of "Ironmonger Sheep" and "Carpenter Armadillos." >"Gunsmith Cats" is a three-part anime series from >legendary "Bubblegum Crisis" Tom: And its unknown sequel, "Someone Took My Tolberone!" > and "Gall Force" creator >Kenichi Sonada, Mike: Known to his friends as "Punky". > which is based on a manga series >appearing in "Afternoon", a monthly manga anthology Tom: "Afternoon" appears monthly? So we go straight from morning to night the rest of the time? >published by manga powerhouse Kodansha (and now being >reprinted in the United States by Dark Horse Comics). Crow: Dark Horse! We've built an empire on "Aliens", "Predators" and "Terminator" crossovers! > It >was a follow-up to an earlier effort of Sonada's called >"Riding Bean." > Mike: The story of "Driving Bean"'s ascent to the upper class! >"Gunsmith Cats" concerns three women in Chicago who run >their own gun shop: Crow: Great, another "Providence" knock-off. > raven-black haired Rally Vincent (who >had blonde hair in "Riding Bean"); Tom: When asked why it happened, Rally replied by throwing a dumb blonde jokebook at the person's head. > ditzy blonde Minnie-May >Hopkins (May to her friends) Mike: Good, I wouldn't wanna be called 'Minnie'. Tom: Stupid people selling guns! I feel safer already! Crow: Yeah, they think a seven-day waiting period means they can't leave the store. > and Becky Farra, who serves as >the store's accountant. Mike: And with her razor-edged spreadsheets, she's the deadliest one of all! > Besides the gun shop, Rally and >May are also part-time bounty hunters. Mike: [Rally] Someday we'll find the paper towel that killed my pa! > To that end, Rally >trusts on her CZ-75 9 mm Parabellum automatic, Crow: A motorcycle windshield? > a Czech >handgun, Crow: Czech? Tom: Sorry, Czash or Czarge Cards only. > while May depends on the apparently unlimited >supply of hand grenades Tom: Stupid people selling guns AND handling explosives! > (and rather colorful ones at that!) Mike: Yes, it's the new iExplosive. Available in Mango, Papaya and Kiwi flavors. >she totes with her. Tom: Tonight's Episode: Form Follows Destruction! > Further, Rally and May ride around in >a Shelby Cobra GT Tom: Lime green, with a statue of Jesus on the dash. Crow: Hey, didn't Nicholas Cage steal one of those in "Gone in 60 seconds"? Mike: I don't know, Crow. > (in "Riding Bean", Inspector Percy uses a >Shelby Cobra himself in order to stop Bean Bandit, Crow: The Frito Bandito's hilarious new sidekick! > who rides >in a customized car called Buff the Roadbuster; Crow: As played by Sarah Michelle Gellar. Tom: Look for the spin-off car, Angelmobile, soon. > how Rally >gets the vehicle is never explained). Mike: [Guerin] But thanks to my new 700-page appendix! > At one time, Rally >and Bean were partners in Bean's semi-legitimate courier >service; Crow: When UPS goes rogue! > Bean wasn't above serving both sides of the law. Tom: And when he's serving Manwiches, both sides of the law come running! >Bean is nowhere to be seen in the "Gunsmith Cats" anime, Tom: But he did become an extra on "Lexx". >though in the manga its revealed that they're now bitter >enemies. For the purposes of this story, they become allies >again. > Tom: [Pete] Why? Because I felt like it! Crow: God made continuity so we could disregard it when it suits us. >In the "Gunsmith Cats" anime, Rally and May form an >uneasy alliance with ATF agent Bill Collins Crow: Tom's tea-totaling brother! Tom: Phil's boring un-musical nephew! Crow: Bootsy's incredibly unhip son! Tom: Joan's in-focus uncle! Mike: You're both wrong, it's Harper's father, lonely and bitter from watching his kid steal his publishing business. > in order to >expose a gun-running ring operating in Chicago that involves >a mayoral candidate, a former KGB assassin and Agent >Collins' boss. Tom: They all walk into this bar, see? And the bartender says... > The manga has many more stories of interest. Mike: Which have also been ignored. Crow: [blown away] Wow, stories of interest! Can we read it, Mike, huh, can we, huh, can we can we can we? Mike: Crow, a fanfic author saying something's interesting is like Las Vegas claiming to have museums and culture. Crow: [feeling gypped] Oooh! >The anime series was released in three parts by A. D. >Vision, Mike: Although in fairness, two of those parts were just twenty minutes of the director crying with his head in his girlfriend's lap. Tom: A.D. Vision! Producing Anime series since 0! > though more recently a compilation of the series on >one tape (subtitled "Bulletproof!") was released. Tom: So Adam Sandler and Keenan Ivory Wayans are just anime characters? Mike: Well, we can always hope. Crow: Ironically, an indy film of fans shooting the tape full of buckshot won several awards at Sundance. > The >series is available either subtitled or dubbed; Crow: Both in Urdu, but available nonetheless. > the >subtitled version of Part 1 has a bonus "Making of" segment >featuring an interview with Sonada. Mike: Unfortunately, they forgot to subtitle or dub the interview. > "Riding Bean" itself is >available either subtitled or dubbed from AnimEigo. > >2. HERE IS GREENWOOD > Tom: You can find it in British Columbia, Nova Scotia, Arkansas, Mississippi, Indiana, Florida, Delaware, California... >"Here is Greenwood" is another anime series based on a >manga, Tom: Boy, the Japanese sure love their animated tropical fruits. Mike: Tom, that's a mango. Tom: My comment stands, Mike. > this time based on the "bishônen" ("pretty-boy") >manga series Tom: Cower in fear at the approach of crime boss Pretty Boy Mango! Crow: The Prohibition mangas! See Al Capone whack Elliot Ness with a Neko-Neko hammer! > from Yukie Nasu appearing in the Hakusensha >publication "Flowers and Dreams Comics." Mike: A comic book version of "Tiger Beat"? How redundant. > This series is >different from most, since there are no giant robots, >superhuman schoolgirls or post-apocalyptic scenarios >involved. > All: BOR-ING! Crow: Anyway, How many post-apocalyptic giant robots regularly appear in "Flowers and Dreams Comics"? >The story centers around Kazuya Hasukawa ("Ska" to his >friends), Tom: [Jamaican] Natty, mon! Pass de duche 'pon de left hand side! > who's just your average, ordinary teenage guy. Mike: [Kazuya, whiny] Can you buy guns for us? Please? We just need fifty! >When his brother Katsuhiro marries Sumire, the girl of >Kazuya's dreams, the younger Hasukawa decides to enroll >at the prestigious Ryokuto Academy; Crow: A direct cause and effect! Just like when Mike ran out of ice cream and I put an acetylene torch in my mouth. > unfortunately for >him, they assign him a dorm at Greenwood Dorm, the home >for all the school's weirdoes and outcasts a/la/Daria. Tom: A/la, la la la? Mike: [Kazuya] I can't believe they stuck me with these weirdoes! I'm going to smear peanut butter on my face and sing Karen Carpenter songs 'til they go away! >To make matters even worse, Katsuhiro works there as the >school's nurse! > Tom: ... and? What? Is Ska gonna worry that his brother's gonna help him heal if he has a papercut? >Weird does not even begin to describe Ska's classmates. Mike: Then why did you begin to describe them that way? >Here's a list of who they are: > Tom: Oh joy. Pete's hitting the lists up front this time. Crow: Well, it saves us wondering. >Shinobu Tezuka: Student Government President and >Kazuya's next-door neighbor. Mike: Student President? God, he is a freak! > He possesses strong spiritual >energy (or so Misako the ghost claims); Tom: Ghost? Mike: Just accept it. It's probably going to get worse. > he has a sister >named Nagisa, who's been harboring a life-long grudge >against him and who runs her own yakuza Crow: [old Jew] My yakuza gives me agita, oy! Such a pain down my right side. > (crime syndicate). > >Mitsuru Ikeda: Crow: The person behind the merging of Mitsubishi and Ikea! > Shinobu's roommate and president of >Greenwood Dorm. Crow: Hey, our second President so far! Tom: The Florida Supremes must've branched out. > Mitsuru was abandoned at a Buddhist temple >as a baby and was raised by the kindly couple who lived >there with the temple priest. > Mike: Thus, he became Mitsuru: King of the Buddhists! >Shun Kisaragi: Tom: Well, okay. Kisaragi - I officially shun you! > Kazuya's roommate. Crow: 'Nuff said. Person's a weirdo. > Shun is a boy who >looks, dresses acts and sounds like a girl Mike: But since that girl is Annie Lennox, no one really pays it any mind. > (in both the >subtitled and dubbed versions, female voice actors do his >part). Crow: All this and more in the next issue of "Junior Crying Game" comics. > His/her parents are innkeepers and has a "sister" >named Reina. > Crow: So Chibi Moon's in this manga too? Mike: That's Reenie, Crow. Tom: This "story" seems fond of "sexual ambiguity". Crow: I wonder "why". >Misako: This ghost of a junior high school girl >appears in the story "The Haunting of Greenwood". Tom: The original was great, but the remake just bombed at the box office. > Misako >was thinking of boys when she was ran over by a truck. Crow: Now that parable has Japan writ all over it! > The >only way she can go to the next dimension is to kiss a boy, >which results in her haunting Mitsuru. In this story, I >have her stick around as sort of the dorm's mascot. > Mike: I'll bet she's good at scaring up support! Thank you! I'll be here all week! Crow: So you haunt a dorm so you can progress to heaven and hang out at a dorm? Tom: That's heartrending. I'm all cried out, and we've barely started. >Miya Igarashi: Miya figures prominently in the final >story called "Second Love. . .Always be There for You". >Miya is on the run from a all-girl street gang Crow: Oh, please, ladies, no more punishment, I beg you! Mike: I think "Miya" is a girl, Crow. Crow: Even better! *Rrrrrrrrrrrrr*! Tom: Lovely. Crow's been possessed by Upchuck. > when Kazuya >(who was just elected dorm president) Tom: I thought Mitsuru was dorm president. Mike: That was before the ghost kissed him. Tom: So Greenwood discriminates against ectosexuals? Crow: Well, you know. You're not just kissing a ghost, you're kissing all their ancestors. It's unhygienic. > offers his assistance. >After solving her immediate problems, Crow: With the help of the defensive line of the Cleveland Browns. > Ska finds himself in >love with her. However, she's had a relationship with a >young man named Tenma Koizumi for the past ten years. Mike: [Guerin] However, for this story, I will forget this subplot so these two can make kissy-face. Crow: Welp! This is the backstory. So I'm turning my back to it. See you later! Tom: If I have to watch it, so do you. Turn around. > I >won't tell you how things work out here, but when you read >this story you can judge for yourself. > Mike: Okay everyone, have your "0.1" cards ready. Crow: I wasn't going to be that generous. >There are other oddball characters in this story like >the guy who lugs his motorcycle around, Tom: Jay Leno? > the Computer Club >that runs an arcade out of the room they all share, Tom: Ah. The transfer students from the Worchester Polytechnic Institute. > the >fundamentalist Christian preacher Mike: Yeah, Christians are really odd, all right. > and the dorm lady who's >more concerned with watching her soap operas than in >maintaining order in the dorm. > Tom: "Um, miss? The dorm's on fire and spreading quickly." Crow: "Not now! I gotta see what happens to Austin!" Mike: Ah, someone shirking their responsibility. Clearly the villain of the story. >"Here is Greenwood" is available as a three-part video >series either subtitled or dubbed from Central Park Media's >Software Sculptors division. > Crow: [Guerin] As I'm sure you must now obtain a copy as soon as possible! >All "Daria" characters are (c) 1993, 1997, 1998 MTV >Networks, Tom: [Guerin] As for the other years, I have absolutely no idea who they belonged to! > a division of Viacom International, Inc. Mike: Corporate America! Buying and selling artistic vision since 1776! > All >Rights Reserved. > >All "Gunsmith Cats" characters are (c) 1995, 1997, 1998 >Kenichi Sonada/Kodansha/VAP/TBS/A. D. Vision. All Rights >Reserved. > Crow: Lawyers must get the wicked urge to write "Some Rights Reserved. Wanna Guess Which Ones? Huh? Ya Feel Lucky, Punk? Come On!" >All "Riding Bean" characters are (c) 1989, 1993, 1998 >Youmex, Inc./AnimEigo, Inc. All Rights Reserved. > Tom: Wow, he's protecting the HELL out of himself here. Mike: Well, you know Pete. Random appearances by Brenda Starr, Felix the Cat or The Yellow Kid can pop up at any moment. >All "Here is Greenwood" characters are (c) 1991, 1992, >1996,1998 Yukie Nasu/Hakusensha/Victor Entertainment, >Inc./Pierrot Project/Software Sculptors, Ltd; a division of >Central Park Media Corporation. Crow: We're Beatrice! > All Rights Reserved. > >All "Bishôjo Senshi Sailor Moon" characters are (c) 1992, 1998 >Naoko Takeuchi/Kodansha/Toei Animation Company, Ltd./ >DIC Enterprises LP. All rights reserved. > Mike: Any similarities with persons living or dead may result in headaches, oily discharge, or minor heart arrhythmia. Consult a doctor before embarking on any fanfic. Tom: [Guerin] Must... disclaim... everything! The patent officers are out to get me! >------------------------------------------------------------ >SONG CREDITS > Mike: Not again. Tom: AHHHHHHHHH!!!!! THE MONKS ARE BACK!!!! [rushes from theater] Mike: Whoa! Crow: Yeah, the whole Black Monk thing kinda scarred him for life. >"Tusk": Mike: o/~ Pow-wow, the Indian boy, loved all- o/~ Crow: No, Mike - no more. *shudder* We said we'd never go there again. > Words and music by Lindsey Buckingham. Mike: Still. Crow: Like before. Mike: But thanks for reminding us. Crow: NEXT!! > (c) 1979 >New Sounds Music (ASCAP). All Rights Reserved. Crow: [Buckingham] OK, you can use my song, but only if I give up all legal control over its use! Mike: [Guerin] No, sorry, I'm reserving your rights and that's final. Crow: [Buckingham] Damn you, Peter Guerin! > Appearing >on Fleetwood Mac's 1979 album "Tusk" on Warner Bros. CD's >and cassettes. > Crow: Not on the albums, though. Odd that. >"Drive": Words and music by Bill Berry, Peter Buck, >Mike Mills and Michael Stipe. Mike: Based on a story by Richard Petty. > (c) 1992 Night Garden Music; >administered worldwide by Unichappelll Music, Inc. (BMI). Mike: [Bullwinkle] With three or four "L"s in there! >All Rights Reserved. Appearing on REM's 1992 album >"Automatic for the People" on Warner Bros. CD's and >cassettes. > Mike: Join the '00s, Pete. Crow: MP3s and mini-discs forever! >"The Rockafeller Skank": Words and music Crow: All ten words and eight notes of it. > by Norman >Cook. Mike: Right about now? Crow: Funk soul brother. > (c) 1998 Polygram Music, Inc. (BMI). Crow: [valley girl] Oh, B-M-I! > All Rights >Reserved. Crow: [cackling] Haha, now that I control the rights to "Rockafeller Skank", I shall RULE THE WORLD! > Appearing on Fatboy Slim's 1998 album "You've >Come a Long Way, Baby" on Astralwerks CD's and cassettes. Mike: Hey look, the German New Wave band Kraftverk has a space program. Crow: No, it's a combination psychic hotline/crystal auction house. >------------------------------------------------------------ Tom: [poking head back in theater] Are they - are they gone? Mike: It's okay Servo, not a monk to be seen this time. Tom: Whew! Thanks goodness! [resumes seat] >PROLOGUE Mike: Also known as the part before the opening credit sequence. Tom: Previously on "TMSNZDBD"! >------------------------------------------------------------ >(The Prologue starts just as the Lawndale Militia is Crow: -sitting down to dinner. >about to return to try and retake the town in "The Misery >Senshi Neo-Zero Double Blitzkrieg Debacle," Crow: Musk Oil Sephriam Noodelroni Eggbeater! Tom: Monstervision Nosegay Dodo Buffy Burger! Mike: Mister Shazam Dagnabbit Kringle Krangle! > which is >re-presented here for your convenience. All: NOOOOO-HOHOHOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! Crow: Convenience? More like a bad acid trip! Tom: He can't do this, can he?!? I mean, isn't it against the Geneva convention or something? Mike: Unfortunately, no. We'll just have to grind our teeth and take it. Tom: Great! I finally get the mental scars to heal, and Pete comes along and rips the bandage off the scab! > If you have not >read the entire story yet, please do so!) Mike: Paid for by the Committee of Citizens Who Hate You 2000. Crow: But only if you have several hours and a sizable portion of your brain you wish to kill. >------------------------------------------------------------ >Downtown Lawndale looked like a tornado had struck it. Crow: Cows were flying all over the place, and Bill Paxton and Helen Hunt were busily necking non-stop. Mike: Crow? He may be re-using the text, but that doesn't mean we can reuse our riffs. Crow: Munchkins were running wild, and not a wicked witch in sight was safe! Better? Mike: Better. >The Free Lawndalers had to hang on for another hour until >the National Guard arrived. Tom: So they went to the mayor's office to make long distance personal calls and play Free Cell, Vegas style! > Daria, Usagi, Ami and the >others were at the ready. Upchuck, the geeky kid at school, Tom: Yes, there's only one geeky kid in Lawndale. Crow: The rest were all shipped out to William McKinley High. >went up to Daria. > Mike: [Upchuck] Aren't these police actions phony? >"After this is all over, you want to go to my foxhole >and make love, not war? ROWR!", Upchuck said to Daria. > Crow: Oh, I'm glad he kept in all my favorite parts of the original. Mike: So I guess this awkward teenage pick-up line will become a crucial plot element this time around. >"Upchuck, if you don't leave me alone this instant, >I'll personally demonstrate on you what Lorena Bobbitt did >to John Wayne Bobbitt!", Daria replied. Mike: [Upchuck] You're going to marry me? Cool! Oh, you mean AFTER that... > Upchuck got the >hint and got away from her. > Tom: Not so much a "hint" as it is a "massive threat", is it? Mike: It's that subtle Daria wit we've all come to love. >"This is it, everyone!," Crow: "We're gonna die! AAAAAH!" > Mr. DeMartino said, "This is >the battle that will either mean the end of the Lawndale >Militia or the beginning of a dark age for this town! Tom: [Sinclair] It was the dawn of the dark age of mankind... > We've >got to hold on until the National Guard arrives." > Mike: [Daria] We know, the omniscient narrator already told us. Crow: Mike? Since Guerin's not coming up with any new text, why do WE have to come up with new riffs? Mike: Um... I think it's like doing a second set in the gym. Crow: What, so we're developing these grotesquely enormous riff muscles? Tom: I'd rather go for tone. >Just then, there was a commotion at the edge of town. Tom: A commotion? Was it a tiff? Mike: Maybe it was a hoop-de-doo. Crow: Worse, it may even be a throwdown. >The Lawndale Militia was arriving! Crow: o/~ Oh-oh the Lawndale Militia is a', COM-in down the street! o/~ Mike: Crow, that was your riff last time! Crow: Excuse me! I think you'll find it was TOM'S riff? I'm clean. Mike: It doesn't matter whose riff. No repeats. Behave. Crow: [at Mike, under his breath] Weiner. > Anthony was at the front >of the troops. They had gas masks on, and it looked like >they were going to launch a terrifying attack. > Tom: Either that or they were going to do a Broadway-style version of 'The Elephant Man'. >On my signal, fire the sarin bombs!," Anthony said. > Mike: Sarin bombs, you have ten minutes to gather your personal effects and leave the premises. >The troops got ready to pull the pins on the grenades >and throw them. Crow: Whosoever pulls this pin from the grenade shall become King of England! > There would be mere seconds to stop the >attack before the deadly serin gas would be released. > Mike: Of course, these were metric seconds, so you have to multiply by 9/5ths and add 20. >"Leave this up to me!," Usagi said. She spread her >wings and began to fly. > Mike: o/~ So spread your tiny wings and fly away... o/~ Tom: Wow, it's just like "Greatest American Hero"! Except it's a Japanese schoolgirl who's really pretty bad at it actually. >The Militiamen had now pulled the pins. Crow: And champagne started flying! > The only thing >that separated Death from Lawndale was the safety handles >and a mere five seconds. Tom: And the large steel cage a bra-less A-ko had erected around the militia within the blink of an eye. > They were ready to throw the >grenades. > Mike: Then Woodsy the Owl reminded them to "Give a Hoot, Don't Pollute" so they put them in a trashcan instead. >"THROW AT WILL!," Anthony said. > Tom: Or Grace! Crow: Or- Just Jack! >The grenades were being thrown at a rapid-fire pace. Mike: John Rocker takes the field at Shea Stadium! >Suddenly, Usagi flew right above them, and waved her Moon >Scepter around the general area. > Crow: Meanwhile, the grenades were taking considerable effect on her allies, as they die from the gasses. >"MOON PRINCESS HALATION!," shouted Sailor Moon. > Crow: Did we ever find out just what the heck a "halation" was? Tom: No, but hers are quite impressive. >The energy hit the grenades and turned them all into >harmless dust, Mike: If the energy makes the gas harmless, why deliver it with grenades? > which then fell on the attackers. > Crow: [panicked] Problem dandruff! >"GET THEM NOW WHILE WE'VE GOT THE ADVANTAGE!," Mr. DeMartino yelled. > Tom: And so the untrained sixteen-year olds pursued their advantage against the heavily-armed green berets! >All the Free Lawndalers advanced on the bewildered >Militia. The fighting was fierce. Mike: Yet somehow vague. > Casualties were heavy on >both sides, but the superior numbers of the Free Lawndalers >was beginning to tell. Crow: So, lots of innocent schoolkids died, but since none of them were major characters, it's OK! Tom: Such detail went into his credits, but not into his battles? Mike: [Guerin] Some people died, some places were blown up, but all in all the battle was a snooze fest. > Soon, one of the Militiamen was >yelling, "Everyone for himself, and the Devil take the >hindmost!" Mike: Ooh. The puppeteers are going to be pissed. > Suddenly, Anthony saw his support dissipating. > Tom: And his hairline receding. Crow: Awfully literary for the thick of battle, innit? Mike: Still, he's doin' better than Gore. >"Come back here and fight, or I'll shoot every last one >of you!," Anthony said. Mike: I don't think this is the "One Minute Manager" way to deal with this situation. > But it was no use. He was all >alone now. > Tom: [Corlew] Huh. And I thought bein' an anti-government reactionary would make friendships that last a lifetime. Oh well. Live and learn. >"Give yourself up," Daria said. "The National Guard >will be here soon, and they're going to restore law and >order here." > Mike: [Daria] Yeah! We want Lenny Brisco back! >"NEVER! I WILL NEVER SUBMIT TO JACK-BOOTED THUGS LIKE >THEM!," Crow: [Corlew] THEIR DRESS SENSE IS ATROICIOUS!! I'LL SURRENDER ONLY TO THE FASHION CLUB! Mike: Tony, the *ATF* are the jack-booted thugs. Tom: Yeah, the National Guard are the lazy no-account sons of the rich and powerful! It's a whole different thing! > Anthony roared and fled to St. Eligus' Presbyterian >Church, which had a tall bell tower. Mike: It's the hunchback of the village of the damned. Tom: Thancturay! Thanctuary! Crow: Next to the abandoned warehouse, the house of mirrors, and the creepy old carnival! > Daria, Usagi, Ami, >Jane, Trent and Jesse were in hot pursuit. > Crow: [Daria] Remind me why we didn't cut off his escape routes? Tom: [Jane] Um... we're stupid? Crow: [Daria] That was my theory. >Anthony got there first, and ran up the stairs, first >jimmying the door so it wouldn't open. Mike: How can rainbow sprinkles keep a door closed? Tom: Stuff'em in the hinges? > Daria got there soon >after. > >"The door's been jimmied closed. I can't open it," she >said. > Crow: So I'm not even gonna try. I'm headin' for Terrible Herb's. Anyone else want a beer? >"Stand back!," Usagi said; she then shouted, "SAILOR >MOON KICK!" > Tom: Why don't they leave him locked in the tower until the Guard gets here? Mike: I don't... >The door was kicked into splinters. She and the others >ran up the stairs to the top of the bell tower. Tom: By the way, Mike, you remember last time, when you said "Oh! John Paul Getties! Did you see some colorless militia guy go past here?" Mike: Yeah? Tom: There's no such person. Crow: You were thinking of Charles Joseph Whitman. Mike: Huh. Well, thanks guys. I've learned something. > Anthony was >there, armed with an AK-47, Crow: Nothing says "I'm an anti-government terrorist" better than an AK-47! Tom: The AK-47, a name you shouldn't trust to your evil minions. > some white phosphorus grenades Mike: Oh, good choice. White goes with anything. >and a Bowie knife. > Crow: o/~ One of these things is not like the other... o/~ Tom: And a rape whistle. And a super soaker. And an air horn. And a small ball of string. >"STAND BACK! I'LL KILL YOU ALL IF YOU DON'T!," he >yelled. > Tom: [Corlew] AND IF YOU DO, I WON'T! IT'S SIMPLE, REALLY, WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT IT! >Sailor Moon stood in front of everyone else and said: > Crow: [Usagi] This is my only line. Tom: [resentful] Ooo, if only that were true. >"You evil man! Mike: Please, they prefer the term 'morally impaired'. > Trying to subvert the very nation and >government you claim to be saving! Crow: [Usagi] Since I'm Japanese I'm gonna let you do it, but still, I am VERY disappointed in you! > I am the pretty soldier Mike: Surprisingly, there aren't all that many places where "pretty" can reasonably be used as a modifier for "soldier". >Eternal Sailor Moon, champion of love and justice! Tom: [Usagi] And on the cover of 'Wheaties'! > In place >of the Moon, you're punished!" > Mike: [Usagi] I was going to punish the moon for being a full moon last night, but your little uprising just takes the cake, young man! Crow: [Corlew, confused] So, you would have punished the moon, but... I'm sorry, are you sure you translated this right? >"You're not in Tokyo anymore, you Jap bitch!," Anthony >said, and flung his Bowie knife right at Usagi. > Crow: That's for her unsightly bikini area. Tom: [Dylan] o/~ Blade lady blade! Blade within your thick blonde skull! o/~ Mike: [wincing] Oo, Tommy. Down one notch, please. >Daria tugged on a rope, causing a bell to ring and >strike the knife out of harm's way. > Crow: See! I knew all those Martial-Arts Bell-Ringing courses Daria was taking were foreshadowing the final conflict! Mike: Careening safely into Jane's abdominal cavit- Oh. Tom: That's either the slowest moving knife in history, or the town's church bell weighs three ounces! >Daria now stared at him. > Tom: [Daria] Maybe this will hurt him! Mike: [Corlew, downcast] Shoot. Her approval meant everything in the world to me, and I blew it. >"Why are you waging this war for?," she asked. > All: D'OH! Crow: Man, you go through that big dramatic pause and then can't get the grammar right! Mike: That's today's Liberal Arts programs for ya. >Anthony replied, "To bring back constitutional >government." > Tom: [flighty]: And knickers and bobby socks and kicky berets! >Daria responded, "Then why do you want to establish a >dictatorship that is the complete antithesis of everything >that the Founding Fathers fought for in the Constitution? Mike: [Daria] And I bet you support that icky Electoral College too! Crow: Ah yes, the return of the 80-page lecture-slash- speech. I'd almost forgotten about this. >About sixty years ago, another group existed that blamed >their nation's problems on minority groups and a so-called >decadent government. Tom: Now they've retooled their message and nominated Cheney for veep! > They eventually got into power and >killed many who opposed them. Crow: [Corlew] Your point? > They were called the Nazis. Crow: [Corlew, dismissive] Oh please! That term is so overused! Mike: [Daria] If you'd like to learn *more* about Hitler's National Socialist party, visit your local library! >Groups like yours keep saying that the letter of the >Constitution must be obeyed, but you violate its spirit Tom: [Corlew] Ooo, its spirit! What, is the Constitution gonna jump up and bite me? > by >trying to deny rights to minorities and others who disagree >with you. Mike: Apparently we've switched away from the climax, to join the finals of some third grade's Fourth of July essay contest. > Besides, if you really take over this country, >what is to stop the same groups you persecute from forming >their own terrorist organizations Crow: [Corlew] That's why we were going to deny them rights and persecute them! Mike: [Daria] Oh. Wow, you guys really put some thought into this! > like the Black Panthers >and the FALN? Tom: Boy, I had no idea Mexican desserts were so dangerous. Mike: FALN, Tom, not flan. > Groups like yours forget that violence only >brings on more violence. Crow: This from the woman who froze a bank robber and shattered him. Tom: *Last ish! - Your Ever Lovin' Robot Pal, Tom-mo. > Your vision of the Americana Dream >is everyone else's nightmare, and I won't allow you to bring >that to reality." > Mike: She'll allow your campaign of terror and retribution, but this "new government" thing is where she draws the line! >"Then you are a traitor!," yelled Anthony. > Tom: [Corlew] Ex-ter-min-ate! Ex-ter-min-ate! Ster-il-ize! Ster-il-ize! >"No, you're the traitor, Mr. Corlew," Daria replied. > Crow: [Corlew] You are! Tom: [Daria] You are! Crow: [Corlew] You! Tom: [Daria] You! Mike: Ouch, touché! >Anthony screamed "DIE, TRAITOR!" and lunged for the >Bowie knife. Mike: [Corlew] Yeah! Let's dance! Put on your red shoes and have a scrum! Come on! > Daria got there as well and a fierce struggle >began. Crow: [wistful] Man, I'll never forget the first time I saw this scene.[suddenly bitter] Where the hell are my memory suppression skills when I need them?! > They were rolling around the floor, getting >perilously close first to the opening for the ropes, then to >the edge of the tower. Mike: Then to the garment district, then off to Spago's for a quick lunch! > Punches were exchanged. Blood was >spilled. Mike: The passive voice was employed. Crow: Snacks were served. Presents were exchanged. Tom: Audience engagement was thwarted. > Usagi and the others stood there helplessly. Tom: Shouldn't they be doing something? Crow: And dirty their nails? No way! >Daria knocked the knife out of Anthony's hand. Mike: [dramatic] More powerful than a sarcastic locomotive! > Anthony then >locked Daria in a chokehold and threw her up against the >ledge. > Mike: Uh, Tony, that's not the way you do shiatsu, guy. Flip her over. >"You can't stop us all! Mike: You mean all your friends who deserted you? > There's too many like us all >over the country!," Crow: [Corlew] And we're all heading to Palm Beach! We'll cause you to double punch ballots! Tom: [Daria] Oh, yeah. Like that'll ever cause problems. > Anthony bellowed. "Now I'm going to >snap your neck!" > Tom: [Daria] You can't snap all my necks! There's too many like them all over... [coming down] aw screw it, just kill me and get me the heck out of this story. >Everyone knew they had to do something now. Mike: [Usagi] I know! Let us cheer for Daria as earnestly as we possibly can! Crow: [Mamoru] Yes! Perhaps from back here! Or downstairs! Tom: [Trent] I saw an excellent cheering spot behind the couch in my living room! > Trent saw >the Bowie knife there on the floor and picked it up. > Tom: [Trent] This is at least worth a grand on the market! >"I WON'T LET YOU MURDER THE WOMAN I LOVE!," Trent >yelled. > Mike: Well actually, since it's Trent, it was more of a mumble than a yell... Crow: Why? He seemed perfectly willing before. Tom: Mel Gibson is Trent Lane in: "Yelling Means You Care". >Anthony turned around to see Trent throw the knife >right into his heart. Crow: [Dart announcer] And he makes a perfect hit! Well done! > Anthony stood there for a second, >then drew the knife out. > Crow: Whew! Dat boy's got *stamina*! >"I'll take you with me, you welfare-cheating hippie!," >he managed to spurt out. All: EWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!! Tom: He's still in high school. How likely is it that he, personally, is cheating on welfare? > He was ready to fling the knife >back at Trent. > Mike: [Corlew] Now hold still... alllll threeee of youuuuu! >Usagi, however, ran up to him. > Crow: [Usagi] Sweetie! You forgot your lunch! >"SAILOR MOON KICK!," she yelled and kicked him real >hard. > Tom: But since she was a girl, he just grabbed her leg and looked at her in disbelief. >The force of the kick threw Anthony clear of the ledge >and out of the tower. Anthony yelled "AAAAAAAAAA!" Mike: I don't think he's going to have time to get to the other 25 letters here. Crow: Monty Python's "Sesame Street Sketch". > as he >plunged the one hundred feet to the ground. Tom: [nods] Oh, that's what I'd say in that situation, too. > The body made a >great "SPLAT!" upon impact, Mike: He was filled with pudding! Crow: Looks like someone lost more than his lunch. [Laughs] > then was ran over by a Humvee >troop transport, an M1A1 Abrams tank, and a National Guard >unit singing Fleetwood Mac's "Tusk": > Mike: Because when you launch counter-terrorist operations, the first units in are the glee club! >"Why don't you ask him/If he's going to stay?/ Mike: Because then he might! Ew! > Why don't you >ask him If he's going away?/ Tom: Why don't you ask him/if he'd rather be a hammer than a nail? Crow: Why don't you hire/someone to follow him on his day off? > Why don't you tell me/What's >going on?/ Mike: Well that's a complicated question, Lindsay. You see... > Why don't you tell me/Who's on the phone?/ Tom: I dunno who it is, but they claim a Mister Gooyerin can save up to 55% over AT&T. > Why >don't you ask him/What's going on?/ Crow: Why don't you write out/the lyrics of a better song? > Why don't you ask him/ >The latest on his throne?/ Mike: o/~ Why don't you ask/better questions than that? o/~ > Don't say that you love me!/ Tom: And don't say "obsequious". You sound like a boob! > Just >say that you want me!/Don't say that you love me!/ Mike: Fleetwood Mac! Pursuing a loveless existence since 1969! > Just say >that you want me!/Tusk!/ Crow: Do you smell musk? > Tusk!/ Tom: Not to be brusque, but... > Tusk!" > Crow: I guess they mean "Tusk". >Jesse saw the whole thing and then said, "Trent, this >is bumming me out, man!" > Mike: Well, I ain't exactly holding a private party in my brain's left side either, guy. >Trent replied, "I know, man, but it had to be done." > >Jesse added, "My Uncle Phil went the same way." > Crow: [Jesse] He went to the top of the bell tower like an idiot, wrestled with some misery chick, got a knife in his chest, got kicked in the nads by a short-skirted superheroine, fell to the bottom of the ground, then was trampled on by the whole entire military singing 'Tusk'! Very common scenario! Tom: In some bizarre alternate universe, that's humor. >Daria could now see that the National Guard had >arrived. > Crow: Just in time to do absolutely nothing. Mike: They're being led by Space Chief. Tom: So the Guard was singing, but hiding under umbrellas? >"This is the National Guard! You are to surrender >immediately! You are completely surrounded!," a voice said >on a bullhorn. > Mike: [bullhorn] Except for that manhole that leads to an endless maze of sewers! Uh, wait- scratch that! >Daria went to Trent and said, "Thanks for saving my >life." > Tom: [Daria] 'Cuz, you know. Dying sucks and all. Mike: [dully] I have never felt, so alive. >"I'll never let anyone hurt you, Daria," Trent said as >he embraced her. They French kissed. > Mike: Yes, indeed! Please, suck face in front of us all! Tom: A tender, emotional moment? Naaah, let's go straight to the petting. Crow: French kiss - a delightful Hershey's chocolate candy, smothered in some sort of icky overcooked cream sauce. >Some National Guard soldiers clambered up the tower. >One of them asked, "Is everyone all right?" > Tom: And one of them said to Billy Pilgrim, "Po-te-weet?" >"Yes, everything's fine now," Jane said. She had this >satisfied smile on her face as she saw her brother and Daria >continue to kiss. Mike: Not just *any* satisfied smile. *This* one. Tom: [Jane, laughing evilly] Yes, my puppets. Dance! Dance away! Bwahahaha! > She wasn't going to forget this moment >anytime soon. Crow: The visage of the sickening kiss flitted like a moth in her dreams, mocking all that she held dear. >------------------------------------------------------------ Tom: But enough of the old pain - here's some fresh, brand-new pain for us to enjoy! >It was just a nondescript log cabin in Basin, Montana, Mike: We may find ourselves reading about a shotgun shack. >but it served as the headquarters for the Montana Militia. Mike: Dedicated to the proposition that Montana is for kooks only! Crow: I hear the Miami Militia's got this kickin' duplex right on the beach. Tom: Tejano music blarin' out the windows all night long. >Here, Bill Giroux lived [All snicker.] Mike: Tony the Tiger named this character. Crow: [Tony the Tiger] Girrrrrrrroux! > and waged his ongoing war against >big government and the so-called "welfare-cheating minority >lackeys" that gave their backing to it. Tom: Well, it seems that the gap between left-wing and right-wing had grown to the point of militia uprisings. Crow: I blame Palm Beach. > Bill was oiling his >AK-47 All: Ewwwww! Mike: Who *calls* it that? Crow: This is not what they mean by "repeating action"! Tom: How ironic. He's cleaning his gun, yet he *wants* it to discharge. > when someone knocked on his door. Bill coolly loaded >the rifle and approached the door. Mike: [Bill] Heh-heh! In just two days- Watchtower jerky! > He took a peek through >the peephole. Tom: [Bill] Oh, it's just a nude woman. [double take] A NUDE WOMAN?! > He breathed a sigh or relief and opened the >door. Tom: [Bill] At last, the pizza's here! > Apparently, it was a friend. > Crow: He could tell because he saw another loaded rifle barrel through the peephole. >"Greetings," Bill said. "What's up?" > Mike: It's the direction the sky is in- but that's not important right now. >"I've got bad news for you, Bill," said the man, whose >name was Fred. [Mike waves.] All: Hi Fred! > "Your Uncle Anthony was killed." > >"WHAT?", Bill roared. > Crow: [Fred] I said your nun culled antimony from kilns! What, your ears need cleaning? >Fred continued: > >"He finally pulled his attempt to take over Lawndale, Tom: [Fred] Their plan? Go in there and shoot the other guys! >but someone named Daria Morgendorffer and her friends Sailor >Moon and Sailor Mercury liberated the town. Crow: [Fred] I know how silly that sounds, but trust me. > They chased >your uncle up a church steeple, Tom: Oh, a steeplechase. > where he put up a valiant >fight. Crow: Then a girl kicked him and he cried like a baby, fell to the ground and *SPLAT!*ED like pudding. > However, they killed him in the end." > Crow: [Bill] They gave him hemorrhoids?!? Tom: [Fred] He wanted you to have this. It's the bill for his funeral. >"I will have my revenge!", Bill roared in a savage >voice. Mike: Whoa, Billy boy! Take a dramatic pause before swearing vengeance next time! Crow: Yeah, otherwise, it looks impulsive. Tom: The heroes won't take you seriously. > "That bitch Daria Morgendorffer will pay for this-- >with her life!" Tom: [Fred] But what about the Sailor- Crow: [Bill] Look, I'm building to it, OK? Let me kill the mortal. Then I'll work on the super-powered fire-spewing Japanimaniacs. >------------------------------------------------------------ >At the White House, President Al Gore* Mike: Or Bush. Whichever. Whatever. Tom: I guess the asterisk may be warranted in this case. > and several >other dignitaries were gathered at the Rose Garden for a >special ceremony. Crow: The ritual dunking of George W. in the duck pond? Tom: No! It's Joe "The Body" Lieberman vs. Stone Cold Dick Cheney in a steel cage match to the death, winner's party takes the White House! > The Morgendorffer family was all present >for the occasion. Mike: There was Helen, and Jake and Quinn and Aunt Amy and cousin Lurman and cousin Phil and Daria's long lost twin sister and the Great Gazoo and... Crow: Mike? We get enough of that from Pete. > Jake, Helen and Quinn were in formal >wear, Tom: And Helen's furious - Jake's wearing the same color gown she is. > but Daria insisted on wearing her usual outfit of >brown T-shirt, green field jacket, black knee-high pleated >skirt and those black Doc Martins boots. Tom: Every step she took, they went "GADOINGO!" and "SHLUMPF!" Crow: It's "Doc" Martins, Tommy, not "Don" Martins. Tom: Oh, yeah. That was just an old invention exchange, wasn't it? > She clashed with >the more formally dressed crowd that had been gathered. > Mike: Riot Police were called out to quiet the clashes, but the fighting raged on into the night. Tom: You know, if she gives Joan or Melissa Rivers a heart attack, it'll all be worth it. >*President Clinton had resigned and went to a Trappist >monastery at the end of "The Prepaid Phone Card Call of >Tommy Sherman."--Monsignor Peter. > [All guffaw] Crow: And he immediately began a fund-raising campaign to add a heated Jacuzzi. Mike: I guess we can officially classify this as "science fiction". Tom: OK, what's more outrageous- Clinton forsaking his Baptist faith to become Monk Willie, or Guerin folding his voluminous appendix into the text? >"Ladies and Gentlemen," President Gore began, Crow: [Gore] If any of you see that Texas-fried moron trying to sneak in again, just let the Secret Service know. And remember, that $50,000 bounty on Ralph Nader still stands! > "we are >gathered here to bestow the highest award this nation can >bestow-- Mike: [Gore] A big, fat, sloppy, Tipper-lovin' kiss from me - the Prez! > the Congressional Medal of Honor Tom: [Gore] And before the jokes start, no, I didn't invent it, OK?! > --to Daria >Morgendorffer for her bravery and courage in fighting the >Lawndale Militia several months ago. Tom: [Gore] I'll be sending her down to Miami-Dade later today to help straighten out a few canvassing board members. Mike: And here to present that medal is TV's "Buffy the Vampire Slayer"! > Ms. Morgendorffer is >proof that this generation does care what happens in this >nation and that they are concerned for the welfare and the >future of this great country. Crow: Meanwhile, Daria's got her MP3 headphones on, digging on some BNL, and stewing over missing "Sick Sad World" just to meet the national tree. > I now ask Ms. Morgendorffer >to please approach the podium." > Tom: [Gore] Or I'll make everyone listen to one of my poems. I'll do it too! >Daria stood up and walked to the podium. Mike: Obedient little non-conformist hell-raiser, isn't she? > President >Gore then slipped the Medal of Honor over her neck. > Tom: Turned out it was just a Tupperware bowl full of chads. Mike: And while Gore's distracted, Dubya sneaks in and short-sheets the Lincoln bedroom. >"Congratulations, Ms. Morgendorffer," the President >said. > Mike: Apparently, Gore gets to be President Sunday thru Tuesday, Bush gets to be President Thursday thru Saturday, and Daria takes up the slack on Wednesdays. Crow: A sane, sensible arrangement - I like it! >"Thank you, Mr. President," Daria replied. She now >began to read from a prepared speech: > Tom: [Daria] *ahem* I'd like to thank the members of the academy for this award, along with my parents, God, and all the little people I crushed on the way up the ladder. Crow: She reads a teleprompter! o/~la la, LA-la la! o/~ >"Mr. President, distinguished guests, ladies and >gentlemen:" > Tom: Mr. Speaker, Chief Justice Rehnquist, Mayor Giuliani... Crow: Friends, Romans, Countrymen... Mike: Members of the Bayou Perdu Council of the Knights of Columbus... >"Our nation now stands at a crossroads in its history. Crow: And SHWI will be buzzing about it for years to come. Tom: Technically, isn't *every* moment a crossroads in history? Mike: Yeah, well they can't all be as momentous as choosing between the baked potato and the fries at Sizzler. >We face monumental crises that if left to fester will result >in calamity. Tom: [Daria] Apparently, someone named Chad has been causing tremendous difficulty in Florida or something. I dunno, I've been too busy hanging out with the Sailor Skanks to really pay much attention to the news. > There are issues of racism, poverty, equal >medical treatment and other issues that need to be >addressed. Tom: [Daria] I know what with that big Presidential election we just had you may have been too preoccupied to discuss them, but still! > I know that a lot of people are frustrated over >these issues. Crow: Frustrated enough so that they can't even read a ballot! Tom: [Daria] I don't know exactly WHO, but I know they must be somewhere in this audience. > However, taking arms and rebelling against >the government is not the answer. Crow: The militia was angry over a Patient's Bill of Rights?! Tom: [Daria] Taking rubber chickens and rebelling against the government, however, is a perfectly good answer. Mike: [Gore, nervous] Daria, sweetie? This isn't the speech you showed my secretary last night. Tom: [Daria] I did some last-minute editing. Mike: [Gore] Heh, that's nice- SECURITY! > We already fought one >deadly civil war over the powers of the government over one >hundred and thirty years ago. Tom: [Daria] Those people were called The Nazis. Um, I think. Crap, I was going to fact-check that! What happened? > If we have another one, it >will lead to the destruction of this nation. Crow: Sherman will rise from the grave and burn down Atlanta again! You don't want to see that, do you? WELL? DO YOU? > These right- >wing militias must be stopped at all costs. Tom: [Daria, continuing] Talking to you right-wingers out there. No matter what happens, I WILL FIND YOU! [Normal] Unless it causes us to miss "Survivor" in which case, hey, let 'em rule. Mike: The Gen X battleplan, folks. > These militias >are the real threat, not the politicians of whatever >ideological stripe here in Washington. Crow: Liars, adulterers, embezzlers and vote-stealing morons with their fingers on the nuclear button? Nothing! Isolated gun fanatics and doofuses? *There's* your real problem! Tom: So I take it that means that open season on government officials is closed? All: Awwww.... > I can only hope >that my plea does not fall on deaf ears. Tom: [Daria] Because you've got such a nice Capitol here. It would be a shame if it were suddenly hit with a Shabon Spray Freeze Ray. Mike: Marlee Matlin storms out in protest... > Thank you for your >attention." > All: [snoring sounds] Mike: We now return to Al Gore's speech. You may change the channel now. >There was some polite applause as Daria left the >podium. Crow: [guest] Now who was that again? Tom: [guest] I dunno, she used to have her own show on MTV or something - I think they yanked it to show more TRL or something. > Daria did not know then that her recent victory >over the Lawndale Militia will come back to haunt her. Crow: The militia's demanding a hand recount! Tom: Ah, she has nothing to worry about - Daria & Katherine Harris are *this close!* [Holds up fingers together] Mike: We'll be back with more plot points Daria doesn't know in a moment! But first, here's Dan Rather with a look ahead at what's on the CBS Evening News! >------------------------------------------------------------ >Ryokuto Academy, Tom: And Ryokuto Academy II: Their First Patrol! > like everywhere else in Tokyo, had >been severely damaged from the recent attack from the >Neo-Zero. Mike: Man, just think if the terrorists had got hold of a SECOND plane. Crow: Given Tokyo's record for being the most science- fiction-prone city in the universe, it makes me wonder, why do people live there? > Even Greenwood Dorm--the home to the school's >weirdoes and outcasts--was heavily damaged. Tom: Ironically, the Neo-Zero's experimental "Weirdoes and Outcasts Avoidance System" had got stuck in the 'off' position. > Shinobu Tezuka, >the Student Government President, had organized a repair >detail and everyone was working hard to get Greenwood back >to a livable condition. Mike: All right men, I want those freshmen hard at work on restoring those downed power lines! Tom: >BRRZT!< Mike: Crap. All right, those sophomores at work restoring- Crow: >BRRZT!< Mike: Damn! > Kazuya Hasukawa, the dorm >president, was putting some spackle Tom: Spacom? Crow: No, spackle. > over some bullet holes >in his dorm room Mike: The plane knocked on the dorm's front door, waited for an answer, flew into the hall, up the staircase, turned left, took a couple of shots, grabbed a brew and left. > when Shinobu entered. > Crow: [Kazuya] Damn planes! They broke into my room and smashed everything up! It's a good thing they didn't destroy my collection of Benjamin Sisko baseballs. >"Hasukawa, how are the repairs going?," Shinobu asked. > Tom: [holding up spackle] Never mind that, this vanilla frosting you gave me sucks rice! Mike: Well, that's why I use Hold 4Ever brand spackle! It's guaranteed to hold up even under the worst terrorist attacks! [A cash register KA-CHING! can be heard in the distance.] Crow: [coldly] Product placement, Mike? Tom: Have you no sense of shame? Mike: Hey, I have to pay those credit card bills that you two ring up somehow. >"At this rate, it'll take me forever to spackle every >last bullet hole I've been finding!," Kazuya complained. Tom: [Kazuya] It's like trying to put two pieces of wood together using ice cream! Mike: [Shinobu] How many have you spackled? Tom: [Kazuya, whining] None! Which proves my point! >"Why did that crazy bitch decide to shoot up Tokyo is way >beyond me!" > Mike: Well, it made for a very special episode of Dr. Laura. Crow: Aggression therapy. Your key to happiness! >Suddenly, a head popped up from the floor, Crow: They must be living on the former set of "Laugh-In". Mike: And you can look that up in your Funk & Wagnalls. > causing >Kazuya to jump and lose his grip on the trowel he was using. >The trowel fell to the floor and Kazuya yelled. > Tom: Looks like he threw in the trowel, heh-heh! Crow & Mike: D'OH!!! >"Will you stop doing that?," Kazuya screeched. > Crow: What a pleasant and mellifluous screech he has! Tom: I'm beginning to feel sorry for the weirdoes and outcasts. >It was none other than Misako, the ghost of a junior >high school girl who had been haunting Greenwood Dorm for >some time now. Tom: Slacker. Mike: Yeah, at least get your GED and be a high school graduate haunting the school. Crow: You've had years to go for it. > Misako giggled. > Crow: [dully] Tee-hee. >"Boy, do I love doing that to you, Ska!," Misako got >the nerve to say. > Mike: Ladies and gentlemen, the least ambitious ghost in history. Tom: Slackers don't even amount to anything in the afterlife! >Shun Kisaragi, Kazuya's roommate, now entered. Shun >was wearing a new outfit he picked out: a lavender blouse >and denim shorts. > Tom: Oh, look, a type of broad stereo. >"Ska," Shun began to say in his girlish voice, "how >will we ever get our room fixed up if you just lollygag >around like you do?" > Crow: Lollygag? Does he go around sticking Tootsie Roll Pops in people's mouths? Tom: [Kazuya] Well, I *was* fixing a hole, but the rain got in, and got my mind to wandering! >Kazuya was ready to pick up the trowel and throw it at >Shun when Misako suddenly waived her hands around. Crow: Oh yeah, like a transparent being can block it! Tom: She gave up the rights to her hands? Boy, that's generous. >Suddenly, it seemed that a cyclone or a hurricane had hit >the room. Crow: [Tasmanian Devil] Taz fix! Taz fix! Mike: Hey, look! Margaret Hamilton on a bicycle! All: o/~ Neh-neh neh-neh, neh-neeeh, neh! Neh-neh neh-neh, neh-neeeh, neh! Neh-neh... > Within seconds, the room looked immaculate, with >no more bullet holes and every trace of damage repaired. > Tom: Yeah, most trailer parks look better after the hurricane hits. >Kazuya shot a hostile glance at Misako and stated, "If >I want your help, Misako, I'll ask for it!" > Mike: [Kazuya] How dare you save me hours of tedious labor? Tom: It's Darren "Kazuya" Stevens! >"Boy, what an ingrate!," Misako said, then began to >sniffle. > Tom: [Misako] Grape, now I'b hab a colb. Were ib my Dristan? Crow: Uh-oh. Ghost phlegm! Mike: Yeah, a normal tissue is NOT gonna cut it. Get the two-ply! >"Oh, no!," Kazuya began to say, "me and my big mouth!" Crow: You, your lack of social skills, your ragged- fingernails-on-chalkboard voice, your ball bearing of a brain, and your big mouth. >Unless he calmed her down, Misako's fit would cause more >damage to the building. > Tom: She might even fix the plumbing system! They certainly don't want that! >"Misako, wait!," Mike: [Kazuya] You forgot your lunch! Oh wait, you can't eat. You're dead. > Kazuya began; "I didn't mean it that >way! I wanted to say thanks! Really!" > >Misako thought that Kazuya was being sincere Crow: No one said she was a *smart* ghost. > and began >to calm down. Tom: See? Once you can fake sincerity, you've got it made. > Everyone breathed a sigh or relief. > Mike: One or the other. Either or. >"Come on, Misako," Shinobu told her, "you can help fix >up the hallway." Tom: It's the Misako Hoover! Crow: [Shinobu] And you can fix the skylight! Mike: [Misako] You had a skylight? Crow: [Shinobu] Well not as such, but... > She went with him out of the room. Mike: But Shinobu forgot that he was not a ghost and that he didn't open the door. > Kazuya >and Shun just stared at each other. Tom: [Shun] MUST you flirt with EVERY spectre that wiggles its butt through the floor?! > Finally, Kazuya rolled >his eyes while Shun giggled. Crow: [Shun] Tee-hee! We could've been hurt! It's funny! Mike: [Kazuya] HA! Life at the mercy of the dead IS fun! Crow: [Shun] Don't forget, we got that funeral for the guy whose shoulder she bit through at four! >------------------------------------------------------------ >Gunsmith Cats was just a typical gun shop in Chicago. Mike: Meaning it's a front for organized crime. Tom: Tony Soprano makes a cool mil off this store alone! >Proprietors Rally Vincent and Minnie-May Hopkins made a good >living at it, though admittedly their sideline of being >bounty hunters didn't hurt either. Crow: Selling and using weapons... yep, that's the life out there in Chicago. Tom: [Henry Fonda] Wherever there's a paper towel beatin' up a guy, I'll be there. > Rally had set up the >shop after her old partner Bean Bandit had fled to Mexico >after the Grimwood kidnapping incident. Mike: Not to mention that Mr. Tostitos was after him. > Rally was polishing >up her CZ-75 9 mm semiautomatic Tom: [Rally, slyly] I'll stroke this shaft for as long as it takes! Mike: OK, guys, the gun as phallic symbol stuff stops now and here. Tom: But- Mike: No exceptions. Bots: [pouting] Ooh! > when the thought of Bean >crossed her mind. Crow: [Rally] Man, that scene where he got the turkey stuck on his head was *hilarious*! > May (as Minnie-May liked to be called) Tom: [Shatner] Too... many... "Spy Who Shagged Me"... jokes... >approached Rally. > >"What's on your mind, Rally?," May finally said. > Crow: [Rally] Oh, I was just thinking about dressing up in Tudor garb and kissing oranges. You know, the usual stuff. >Rally gave a sigh and said, "Oh, I was just thinking >about Bean. God, I haven't seen him in years! Tom: I guess the movie hasn't been shown in Chicago. Mike: So, five... > I can't >blame him if he never sets foot here again! Crow: [Rally] Although I plan to anyway. Mike: Four... > Inspector >Percy said he was going to nail his ass to the wall for >what happened during the Grimwood incident." > Tom: Whatever wall that is, I don't want it in my house! Mike: Three... >"Oh, maybe he'll come back someday," May said. "From >what you told me about him, he's one cute hunk!" > Tom: [May] He may be crazy enough to come back and get caught! Mike: Two... >"Bean and I did have a thing for each other, didn't >we?," Rally confessed. Crow: Yes - a sick, twisted, dangerous thing. Mike: One... > "It's all old news to me now, I'm >afraid." > >Just then, a car pulled up. Mike: Right on time. Crow: [Rally] That must be the plot twist we ordered! Let's go see! > Rally took a double take >when she saw what it was. > Tom: Chef Won Can Cook? Mike: He's here to kick ass and stir fry an eel. And he's all out of eels. >"No, it couldn't be. . .," she began to say when the >car door opened. Crow: [Rally] A CAR? Pulling up to a gun shop? Near the FRONT entrance, too? ... Newbie. > A tall, muscular guy and a woman stepped >out of the car. Mike: I see Tony Little's bringing an escort with him to a gun shop. > No doubt about it now. It was definitely >Buff the Roadbuster, and the guy behind the wheel--Bean Tom: With a woman? Are we talking about the same Bean? >Bandit. But who was the woman with him? Crow: [Announcer] Tune in next time for "My Trip to Mexico", or "Lady in Chicago"! > Bean and the woman >now stepped inside. > Mike: G-yah! He teleported from the driver's seat! He's a fakir! >"Bean Bandit, I can't believe it's you!," Rally finally >had the courage to say. > Tom: Yeah, I can see where it'd take a lot of courage, what with the word-forming and person-greeting and non-believing and all. Crow: She's scared of complex sentences. Sad, really. Mike: No, Rally. Crow: Whatever. >"Here in the flesh, Rally!," Bean answered. > Mike: Flesh Rally! A celebration of the meat in all of us! Tom: Brought to you by the Beef Council. >"You'd better high-tail it out of here before Inspector >Percy finds you here!," Rally said. > Crow: [Rally] Constable Baldric's on his way to notify Secretary Blackadder as we speak! >"Relax," Bean said, "it's all fixed. Mike: See, this ghost made a hurricane fly through and... > George Grimwood >talked to Percy a while back, and he's agreed to drop all >the charges if I accept a plea bargain for some minor >traffic violations and pay some fines. Mike: Quite a change from nailing his ass to the wall. Crow: Apparently, just his back pocket will do. > Anyway, you remember >George's daughter Chelsea, don't you?" > Mike: Chelsea W. Bush? Bots: Mike! >Rally was surprised to find out that she was now a >grown woman. > Crow: [Rally] Ah! How did this happen? I was only 12 a few minutes ago! >"I owe you and Bean here for my life," Chelsea said. >"I'm going to Harvard Business School now. Tom: [Chelsea] Why, if you hadn't "accidentally" shot everyone on the waiting list ahead of me, I'd be stuck at Brown now! > Daddy helped >clear Bean's name and got him back in the courier business. Mike: Rowan's now gonna dedicate a series of episodes of his exploits as a UPS mailman! >I'm even his new partner now. Isn't that great?" > Crow: [Rally, dully] Oh, yes, wonderful. Oh, jeez, would you look at the bored. TIME! Time. Tom: Why do couriers need partners? Do they team up whenever they have to deal with rabid dogs? >Rally had to be envious at that moment, but she didn't >show it. Crow: o/~ If you're envy and you know it, and you really don't wanna show it, if you're envy and you know it, bite your lip! o/~ > Becky Farra, the shop's accountant, now stepped >in. > >"Say, Bean, Chelsea, All: Bean, Chelsea. > I want you to meet a couple of >people. Mike: Like Bert Convy and Annette Funicello! > The blonde is my partner in the business, Minnie- >May Hopkins. Mike: [Rally] She keeps putting her pinky near her lip, I don't know why. > The brunette is my accountant, Becky Farra. Tom: [snickering] Isn't Becky speaking? Mike: She's got sports icon disease. Crow: "Only Keyshawn Johnson knows what's best for Keyshawn Johnson." >May, Becky, this is Bean Bandit, my old partner, and the >woman who's with him is Chelsea Grimwood, who we rescued >from Semmerling back in 1989." > Crow: Once again, the unnecessary backstory arrives to save the day. Mike: Remember kids, no character exists until a second character introduces them to a third! >Everyone exchanged "Hello's" and "Nice to meet you's". > Tom: While the audience exchanged the torches and pitchforks they would use to storm the author's place of residence. >"Anyway, there's another reason why I'm here," Bean now >said. Mike: [Bean] I need guns, lots and lots of guns! > "I've been hearing rumors that someone's been >funneling Chinese weapons here for delivery to someplace >out in the Southwest. Crow: Oh, that's just the DNC. > Rumor has it that there's going to >be a deal going down at the waterfront. Crow: Okay, let me get this straight... there's Chinese weapons going to the southWEST, and Chicago's in the EAST, and China's close to the WEST coast... Mike: It's just some smugglers, Crow. Tom: Geographically challenged ones, apparently. > You ladies care to >join me and find out what's going on?" > Mike: They may as well. It's not like *we're* ever gonna have a clue. >"It'll be like old times, won't it?," Rally said. > Mike: Except it'll be really forced and contrived. >"Except now you've got black hair," Bean pointed out. > >Rally got a good laugh, loaded up her gun and said to >May and Becky, "Let's roll out!" > Tom: [Bean] Better yet, let's all go in my car! Crow: [Rally] Oh, Bean, you always know just what to say. Mike: [Becky] Um, but, Ms. Rally? Shouldn't we first devise a plan of some sort? Crow: [Rally] "Let's", "roll", "out". What part of that plan didn't you understand, kid? >May got to a footlocker she kept beneath the counter Mike: Oh look. Tiny sneaker salesmen in referee's uniforms. >and loaded up on hand grenades. Tom: [May] Hmm, let's see... HOLD IT! Alright, who pulled some of these pins? > She felt she was going to >need them big time. Tom: o/~ My head's getting bigger! o/~ Mike: o/~ Big time! o/~ Tom: o/~ And my bank account! o/~ >------------------------------------------------------------ Crow: Hey! Look! The first chapter is beginning! Mike: This'll be another long one, alright. Tom: Let's take five while we still can. [The trio stands and exit the theater.] [1 . . . 2 . . . 3 . . . 4 . . . 5 . . . 6 . . .] [The doors open on the bridge, currently empty, except for Mike, who is dressed in military fatigues.] Mike: Grrr! Time and time again, that Daria Morgandorker has foiled my plans! Well, I guess she's only foiled our plans once. And, well, they weren't really my plans, they were my brother's, but I do swear upon the death of my brother I do swear that I will avenge my brother's death, this which... [Mike's soliloquy is interrupted by the ringing of a phone. As Mike looks around, Cambot pans back to reveal a black old-style rotary phone on the counter. Mike shrugs and picks up the phone.] Mike: Um, hello? [Mike straightens up.] Oh, hello Mr. Vice-President. Well, of course we remember you. You sponsored our "Academy of Robot's Choice Awards" special. And, well, you were Vice- President for the last eight years. [pause] Well, yes. We did mention you a bit earlier. You see, Mr. Guerin wrote you into... Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Well, I can see how you might find jokes about you and the Presidency to be a bit unfunny right now. [Tom, dressed in a Sailor fuku, and Crow, dressed as Daria, enter.] Tom: Hey Mike? Are we going to do this sketch or not? [Mike covers the mouthpiece and turns to the bots.] Mike: I'm sorry, guys. The National Tree is on the phone. [uncovering the mouthpiece] What was that, sir? No, I wasn't aware we were still broadcasting. Yes, yes. Well, no sir, none of us actually voted for you. Because I'm stuck up on a satellite in earth orbit. We're not exactly in an election district. [pause] No, absentee ballots aren't really an option. I don't really get mail up here. Yes, we used to occasionally read letters for the show. Uh, no, I don't know how we get them if we don't get mail service! See, mail isn't really my bag. [pause] No, that was the other guy. [pause] The somnambulist with the big forehead, right. He did the mail. I could never work the "still store". [pause] Yes, we're very grateful you took the initiative in creating that, sir. Crow: Mike? Tom and I are going to change out of these costumes. Mike: [covering mouthpiece] Yeah, you do that. [uncovering] Huh? No, they didn't vote for you either. [laughing] Well, because they're robots! [pause] What do you mean that didn't stop you? [The lights begin to wildly flash. The bots rush in and begin to scamper about.] Mike: Mr. Vice President, we've got to go. WE'VE GOT GUERIN SIGN! [pause] Well, I didn't know that one of your campaign promises was to end Guerin sign. Look, we'll have to talk about this later, okay? [Mike hits the light and the door sequence begins.] [6 . . . 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . ] [All enter] Crow: So how's he holding up? Mike: Not too bad - says he plans to party *every* week with Jon Bon Jovi & Tyra Banks. >Chapter 1: End Zone Huddle [All huddle up] Mike: Okay, here's the plan. Crow, you go long and cut left. Crow: Check. Mike: I'll fake a hand-off to you and long-bomb Crow. Tom: Gotcha. Mike: Magic Voice, cover Daria & Rally. Magic Voice: Roger. Mike: Okay, let's go. [They break huddle and return to their seats] >------------------------------------------------------------ >At a warehouse on the shoreline with Lake Michigan, >something sinister was about to go down. Tom: Oh, it's a casting call for "Temptation Island 2". > Several gentlemen >wearing dark blue business suite Mike: IBM's ominous response to "Office 2000". > and dark sunglasses were >conducting business with some other gentlemen in combat >fatigues. Crow: Polymer must be trying to convince Ted Nugent to release another CD. > One of the gentlemen, Agent F, was talking to >one of the fatigue-wearing thugs: > Crow: Greetings, fatigue-wearing thug. How are you today? Tom: I'm fine, thank you for asking, Agent F. Mike: Agent F, if you could take two steps away from Agent U, please? >"I can assure you that my employer only chooses the >best weapons from the Beijing Administration. Tom: That's like smuggling Ladas because they're the best cars in Cuba. > Further, >she is one of the most feared yakuza bosses in Japan, so >she gets what she wants." > Crow: Didn't we see something earlier about a woman owning a yakuza? Tom: I don't know, I thought I saw 'bazooka'. >He paused to grab a black briefcase and open it up. Mike: A bright light emanated from inside the briefcase. Minutes later, Vincent and Jules showed up to ask Agent F about Bible Verses. > He >continued: > Tom: [Agent F] Now of course your briefcase will have guns in it, but can I interest you in these novelty undergarments? Sure to break the ice at parties! >"Now this little number is the People's Republic's >equivalent to Russia's Sagger missile system." Crow: It's 40,000 people throwing rocks at the attacking plane. > He held >the bazooka up to show the potential buyers. Mike: [military] Hey, the trigger's been filed off! Crow: [Agent F] Yes! Eliminating the need for a safety, reducing your costs even more! > He continued, >"This baby can blow up any Federal government law >enforcement vehicle, even those mini-tanks they use for riot >control." > Crow: And, on a good day, it might even scratch the paint on an Expedition. >"How much is your employer asking for?," said the >leader of the fatigue-wearing group. > Mike: Is that anything like "the commander", perhaps? Tom: Perish the thought. >Agent F answered, "The boss is asking for ¥1.2 billion >for the whole shipment, payable in our currency, of course. Mike: And since they're Italian, that translates to 83.9 septillion Lira. Tom: That's, what, about $12.50 in real money? >Sad to say, even with the economic troubles back in Japan, >our yen is still better than your 'greenbacks'". > Crow: Whoops! Our mistake. We meant to say it's better than your 'green stamps'. >"That's about $12 million!," the leader of the fatigue- >wearing group shot back. "It'll take some time to raise >that kind of money!" Mike: Unless you're Bill Gates, in which case it's 4.3 seconds of work. > >"Not to worry," Agent F replied, Tom: [Agent F] I'll just buy your company! Ha-ha-ha-ha! > "my boss is a very >patient woman. Crow: [Agent F] Oops, my cell phone. Hello? Oh, hi boss. [irritated] Look, I'm doing it now! He's right here! > She'll take a down payment now and you can >pay the rest back in ten monthly installments. Tom: My, the gun-toting terrorists are certainly laid back. Crow: Well, they get that 23.9% interest every month, so they really don't want you to pay them back. > We will stop >by and collect on the first of each month. Mike: Or if you prefer, you can give us your houses right now and save time later! Crow: I feel like I'm reading "Glenngarry, Glennterrorist". > Where is your >base of operations again?" > Tom & Mike: [on top of each other, nervous] Saskatchewan! /Burbank! [Tom and Mike look at each other and gulp.] Tom & Mike: [on top of each other, nervous] Uh, Burbank!/Saskatchewan! >"We operate out of the Lawndale Gun Club," the fatigue- >wearing group leader said. > All: D'OH! Mike: Looks like the people in Pete's universe are still having problems grasping that whole "keeping a secret" concept. Tom: [Agent F] Oh, The Lawndale Gun Club! Well then of course you're good for $12 million. I'll dispense with our credit check immediately! >"I thought that was destroyed," Agent F asked. > Mike: [Agent F] And even though I'm from another nation, I'm up to date on your little city's urban renovations. >"Well, we rebuilt it," the fatigue-wearing group leader >said. > Crow: You get a fridge, you fill it with Red Dog, bang! You got your Lawndale Gun Club. >Suddenly, everyone could hear two engines revving up. Mike: [Agent F] Well, let's put this off. I gotta see the waterfront's drag car race! >It was getting closer and closer. Tom: Suddenly, we're reading a campfire story. Crow: It's Bigfoot driving a monster truck! > When it was real close, >everyone knew it was about to crash through the doors. Mike: Lookouts? Who needs'em! >Everyone ducked beneath crates and barrels just as two cars >came crashing through. Mike: Well, right about then, them Duke boys showed up, with Sheriff Coltrane right on their tail. > One was a 1971 Chevrolet Corvette, >the other was a Shelby Cobra GT. Tom: Wouldn't this be a good time to demonstrate that mini-tank destroying bazooka thingie? Crow: Ironically, Bean spent five minutes yesterday telling a parking attendant not to scratch the finish! HA! > Several people now bolted >out of the cars. Mike: [circus] o/~ Yup dup, da-da-da-da dup, dup, dup, DIE! o/~ > They were none other than Bean Bandit, >Chelsea Grimwood, Rally Vincent, Minnie-May Hopkins and >Becky Farra, known collectively as the Gunsmith Cats. > Crow: [Casey Kasem] And they slip a notch to Number Four, with their first single, "Happy-Time Gaping Flesh Wound #5"! >"We know you're in here, so give yourselves up!," Mike: [Thug] We're not here! Tom: [Rally] Shoot! Wrong place, guys! Let's split. >Rally began to say as she whipped out her bounty hunter's >license. Mike: [Rally] Gotta make sure they know I'm allowed to kill them. Crow: [Rally] I'm the pretty princess Sailor Excessive Force, champion of whatever part of your body I feel like beatin' the crap out of! > "We're duly licensed bounty hunters. Tom: [crooks] Hey! That's a Quizno's sub card! > We're >placing all of you under citizen's arrest. Crow: [Jim Nabors] Citizen's A-rest! Citizen's A-rest! Mike: [crooks] Uh, thanks, but we just gave ourselves a citizen's trial, and dropped the charges? So, you can go now! > We've already >alerted the Chicago Police Department, the FBI and the ATF. Mike: Bounty Hunters? We don't need their scum! Tom: I guess the National Guard must be off at glee club practice. >They're going to be here shortly. Crow: Right now, they're all chasing Jake and Elwood. But they'll be here soon! We swear! > So drop your weapons, >come out and hold your hands up!" > Mike: Gee. Usually they just hold a vote and then extinguish their torch. >All Rally got for her trouble was a barrage of gunfire >aimed at her. Crow: Aww, they shouldn't have! > She ducked out of the way. > Tom: Wow, that makes her smarter than all the Sailor Senshi put together! Crow: Maybe next she'll SHOOT! >"May, let 'em have it!," Rally barked. > Crow: [Rally] Or may not let 'em have it! It all depends on my mood! Mike: [confused] Gunsmith Cats are barking? What? Tom: It's anthropomorphism gone horribly wrong. >May calmly got up, grabbed a few hand grenades from her >jacket and threw them at the nearby crates where the gunfire >came from. Crow: Yes, good! Throw the grenades at the crates we suspect have explosives in them! Mike: May is clearly the Groo of this little team. > Suddenly, several people scrambled out of the >way just as the grenades went off, sending them to the >floor. Tom: Ah, these must the new "close combat" grenades whose flying hot shrapnel can be safely disregarded. > The others promptly dropped their guns and gave up, Crow: [crooks] Oh, your magic noise egg scares us! Let us bow to the ground in supplication! >while Rally and the others had their guns trained on them. >May stood by with some more grenades just in case. > [All snicker.] Mike: [nervous] May, honey, you do understand the blast radius is measured in feet, not inches, right? Please stop fingering the pin, sweetie. Sweetie? >Bean now got to one of the crates and opened it. Tom: Hey! It's the Ark of the Cove...ACK! >Inside were some AK-47s, some more Saggers and various >other weapons. > Crow: Swords, ironclads, paddle balls, dry spaghetti, you know. Weapons. >Just then, several CPD, FBI and ATF vehicles pulled up. Crow: They were driving GTO's, SUV's and BMW's. Tom: [authorities] Sorry we're late again, guys, but we saw a speeder pass by, and, well, John Bunnell was watching... >Special Agent Bill Collins, who was now the Agent-in-Charge >for the ATF's Chicago field office, Mike: Wow! Just for winning an Oscar? Crow: Trey and Matt better watch out. > stepped in. > >"Just in time, Collins," Rally said. > Mike: No, BILL Collins! Justin's his twin brother. >"You'd think I'd miss out on all the fun here, >Pussycat?," was Collins' reply. > Tom: o/~ Whoa-oh, whoa-oh whoa-oh! o/~ >Rally snarled at that; she hated it when Collins >called her "Pussycat". > Tom: [spluttering] Then why call yourself "Gunsmith Cats"?! Crow: Jeez, this one's like a waitress at "Hooters" whining she's treated like a sex object. >"Will you stop calling me that, for Christ's sakes!," >Rally shot back. > Mike: That's it, drag Him into it, too. >"Pussycat?," Bean asked her. > Tom: Yeah, you know - neat, sweet, a groovy song? >"It's a long story," was Rally's reply. > Crow: And that pretty much guarantees we'll be treated to it at some point. >"Anyway," Collins continued, "this is the break we've >been looking for. Crow: [Collins] Well, *I* don't need it, 'cause *I* am already famous! Mike: For months we've wanted this building condemned, and now you guys crash your cars through it! Thanks! > We've been investigating these kooks for >months." > Mike: [Collins] We got a bit diverted by that Alex Chiu guy, but I think we're back on track now. >"Tell us what you know," Bean asked. > Crow: Oh, so at least this part'll be short. >"Who's he?," Collins asked. > >"That's Bean Bandit; Tom: [Rally] He's like Hamburgler, only smellier. > I was his partner in his old >courier business," Rally replied. > Crow: Everything is everyone's business, here in Guerin's Corners! >"Hey," Collins asked, "weren't you and Rally mixed up >in that Grimwood affair?" > Mike: [Collins] Oh yeah. I really hated to take him down. He was great on SCTV, I must say. >"May I point out," Bean began to say, "that Ms. >Grimwood is now working for me." > Crow: [Bean] Oh, also, Ms. Grimwood was raised by wolves and speaks a language only I understand? So- don't talk to her. >"OK, OK," Collins shot back; Tom: They like to shoot their answers, don't they? > "you don't have to get >testy. Mike: [Collins] And by "you" I mean that freaky chick who keeps tugging at that hand grenade. > Anyway, from what we know, some yakuza from Japan >have been smuggling weapons from Red China over here to >equip one of those right-wing militia groups. Crow: Not the Brookings Institute! Tom: [Collins] No, we suspect they're just a front for the Heritage Foundation by way of the Daughters of the American Revolution. > If we know >where these are going, we can send some of our guys there-- >in disguise, of course-- Crow: [Collins] Because we bought a whole bunch of ren faire costumes, and dammit, we're gonna use 'em! > and bust this wide open." > Mike: Just like they did here! Tom: Ah, good plan, because your bust here went so STEALTHILY that I'm SURE no one will hear about it!! Jeez! >"And where do we figure in on this?," Rally asked; >she knew there had to be a catch. > >"Well, we could use some extra firepower," Collins >asked. > Mike: See if Puff Daddy is available. Tom: ... okay, so they need extra firepower? Um, Collins? I know I'll sound crazy after this, but I must point out that you have the FEDERAL GOVERNMENT AT YOUR DISPOSAL! AND THROUGH THEM YOU GOT THE LARGEST MILITARY POWER IN THE WORLD! AND YOU WANT BOUNTY HUNTERS? WHAT PART OF THIS ESCAPES YOU? [pants] Crow: Calm down, Tom. Collins probably just got confused by the Pentagon voice mail tree. >"Well, you can't threaten us with anything if we choose >not to co-operate," Rally said; "we've got our license >back." > Mike: See, this is where I think the owner of the gun shop might talk a little nicer to the ATF agent. >"True," Collins said, "but you do owe me one for when >I saved you from that bitch Radinov.* Mike: Uh oh, the dreaded asterisk sign! Crow: More backstory... more pain... Tom: No, that's *Rachmaninov*! Bitch Radinov plays bass for L7! > All I ask is that you >don't tell the press about this; it'll compromise our >mission." > Crow: I kinda like the way Pete's trying to enact a retroactive subtlety to this operation. Tom: Yup! Almost makes you forget the automotive battering rams and three federal enforcement agencies walking around! >*Former KGB assassin Natasha Radinov figured >prominently in the "Gunsmith Cats" anime. Mike: She was engaged in a running gun battle with Moose and Squirrel. > Collins saved >Rally's life when he gunned Radinov down after she bolted >out of an ambulance, wielding an ax, and running like a mad >person toward Rally. Crow: Oh, like that's a reason to shoot her. Tom: She might have had a good reason for it! Maybe she was just saw "Bringing Out the Dead" and was going to axe Frank Pierce. > --Comrade Peter. > Crow: [Russian accent] Ah, comrade Peter! Good 'verk! >"Is that all?," Rally demanded. > Crow: [Pete] Yeah, sorry to interrupt. Carry on! >"Plain and simple," Collins said. "And you'll have my >eternal gratitude." > Mike: [Rally] Yeah yeah, great, what about some moolah instead? >"OK," Rally sighed, "we'll join you on this." > Tom: For bounty hunters, they seem to be awfully giving. >"Knew I could count on you, Pussycat!," Collins said in >reply. Crow: You and your pussycat sense of obligation. > He then ordered the agents to take the suspects into >custody while Rally gritted her teeth at being called >"Pussycat" again. > Tom: [Rally] Kiss me and my pussycat ass. >Bean went up to her and said, "Rally, you didn't. . ." > Mike: Agree to work for free? 'Fraid she did, Beano. >"No, I did NOT!," Rally shot back, too quickly. Tom: There they go, shooting back again. Crow: [Bean] But you just agreed to make us work for NOTHING! I feel exploited! >"You're the only one I've ever slept with." > Tom: Heh. That's not what they say over on www.rallyisasexfiend.com. Mike: She puts it so romantically, you can tell how much it means to her! >May shot back, Mike: Keep your heads low, guys. They've been shooting too much for comfort! > "So, you and Bean were in love!" > Crow: American Style! >"Put a sock in it, May!," roared Rally. Tom: [Rally] And while you're at it, just shut up! Crow: So, should I ask what any of this has to do with an "End Zone Huddle"? Mike: Only if you want to hear the answer. Crow: That's what I figured. >------------------------------------------------------------ >The Morgendorffer residence at 1111 Glen Oaks Lane was >well-appointed, All: STILL! > with a brick façade and a big upstairs >window. Crow: And it's a steal for only $200,000! Call your local realtor today! > Daria, along with her friend Jane Lane, were just >returning from school when Daria stopped to take the mail >in. > Tom: [Daria] Ah, I love the smell of postage in the afternoon! >"It looks like a bunch of bills again," Daria said as >she thumbed through the mail. > Crow: [Daria] But I don't pay 'em, so it's cool. Tom: She gathers her parents' liabilities! o/~ La la, LA-la la! o/~ Mike: Gathering her parents' liabilities is actually the most Daria thing Pete's ever shown her do. >"Well, it keeps the mailman employed," Jane shot back. > Crow: Disgruntled, but employed. Tom: Ah, they're shooting again! >Suddenly, Daria stopped at one letter. Mike: [Daria] I can't see a "P" without thinking of a mouth with its tongue sticking out. Is that normal? > It was >addressed to her. The writing on the letter was rather >crude. > Tom: It's a Pat Buchanan fund-raising letter. >"What the Hell Tom: (TM) of course. > is this, I wonder?," Daria said. Mike: [Daria] I've never seen one of these before! Might this be the fabled "snail mail"? > She >and Jane now stepped inside. Daria put the other letters >on the living room table, then sat down on the couch. Crow: Living rooms, couches, and many of the other things that make life fun are made possible by the folks at Archer Daniels Midland! > Jane >sat next to her. Daria opened the letter. Mike: Each action was carefully and individually recorded. Tom: INTENSE! POSTAGE! ACTION! > Suddenly, there >was a loud "BANG!" that knocked Daria off the couch, Crow: Whoap! Shouldn't have put the couch so near the book depository! >sending her eyeglasses flying off and landing in a corner. Mike: Shouldn't they fly off in slow motion to a pulsing dramatic tone? Tom: And shatter when they land? >Jane ran up to her. > >"Daria, are you all right?," Jane yelled. > Tom: [Jane] My God, Daria! Without your glasses- you look just like Supergirl! No wonder you always show up one minute after she flies away! Mike: [Daria] Blast! Now I'll have to kiss her to make her forget, *again*. >Daria slowly got up. Other than being a bit singed >around her face, she was OK. Mike: Plus her beak was on backwards. Tom: [Daria] You're dethpicable. > She went to where her glasses >fell and picked them up; Crow: Proving her vision was fine and this whole "class brain" thing was just a ploy for attention! > luckily they were not the worse for >wear. > Crow: A little dirty and broken, but nothing some crazy glue and a belt sander couldn't fix! >Jane then picked up what was left of the letter. [All snicker.] Tom: Good thing Mead added asbestos to their paper recipe. >"There's a note here," she said. > Mike: [Jane] Oh wait, it's the Hallmark logo. It seems that people can get death threat cards now. >"What does it say?," Daria wanted to know. > Crow: "Dear Mr. Kotter. Juan injured himself while building this bomb so please excuse him from class. Signed, Epstein's Mother." >Jane began to read the letter; it was written in the >same crude handwriting as the envelope. Mike: It was in Wingdings font. Tom: [Jane] Box, dark box, envelope, mailbox... > It ran thus: > Crow: Gasp! It's a letter from Shakespeare! >"Next time, we'll use real explosives and blow you up >to bits, Tom: I suppose that if we really hated you, we probably should have killed you in the initial attempt, but what the heck. It's nice and sunny out! > you welfare-cheating nigger lover! Tom: Woah! Mike: Maybe you guys shouldn't be here for this. Tom: *None* of us should be here for this, Nelson! Crow: I'm still confused how a rich white kid could be called a welfare cheat. > We know you >and your stupid Nip Sailor Senshi Crow: The Japanese Nipsy Russell! > friends stopped us last >time, but we can't be destroyed! Mike: Although they *can* be pushed out of towers and stomped to death. Tom: They'll always be alive, here in sunny 1958! > When we take over the >country, we'll get rid of welfare, affirmative action and >other civil rights laws Crow: 'Cause we're right-wing extremists, you know? > that benefit niggers and spics, Mike: We'll get Robert Conrad back on television! "Baa Baa Black Sheep: The Next Generation"! >then execute all the niggers, spics, chinks, nips, dagos, >liberals from New York City and Long Island, Mike: We'll leave the ones in Hollywood alive, as long as Robert Conrad says they can be useful. Crow: Because Robert Conrad knows how to get what it takes to do what you gotta do! Tom: I dare you to call him a has-been! Go ahead. I dare you! > faggots, >crippleds, retarts and other deviants and rule the nation in >the name of the white race. Crow: I'm not sure, but I think that this is a subtle hint that these aren't the good guys. > You're as good as dead, you >bitch! LAWNDALE MILITIA, ALL THE WAY!" > Tom: PS- Do you still want to go out Friday Night? >"I knew that somehow this was going to come back to >haunt me," Daria said in response. "I'm now a marked >person." > Mike: [Daria] And the only place to hide... is in plain sight. Crow: [Jane] Hey, if I find the one-armed guy, can I keep his prosthesis and use it as a backscratcher? >"We've got to let the police know about this!," Jane >said. > Crow: Or you could grab a gun and run a two-woman campaign against these weasels! Mike: I'd actually like to hear them explain the fake explosives to a desk sergeant. >"Hey, remember, our Keystone Cops here couldn't stop >them the first time around?," Daria shot back. > Tom: Well maybe the lack of a plane crash this time will improve their focus. Crow: Well then you should call in the Bowery Boys, or the Ritz Brothers. Or at the very least, Wheeler & Woolsey. Mike: Another shot. Hopefully, they'll run low on ammo soon. >"What will we do, then?," Jane said. > Crow: I'm still fond of the running gun battle against the bad guys idea, m'self. >"Let's see if Mom can file a big suit against them," >Daria replied. Tom: Against WHO? Mike: [Daria] That'll keep those right-wing terrorists from trying to get me! > "At least if they're tied up in court for >at least the next ten years, they can't do any more damage >to me or anyone else for that matter." > Crow: Obviously, Daria has never seen many law and order movies. Mike: Yes, those injunctions will keep them from sending you more letter bombs. Tom: That's what brought the Nazis down. Good old fashioned American Lawsuits! >Just as Daria finished that sentence, Tom: She was retried for racketeering and given an extra 5-10. > Helen, her >mother, came in. > Crow: I accuse her parents. Tom: Me too. >"Helllloooo!," Helen said in her syrupy voice. Mike: Her face was covered in pancake powder, her sausage-like fingers running through her coffee-colored hair as her egg-shaped eyes widened and the bacony corners of - Tom: Mike? Mike! Mike: Huh? Oh, sorry - I skipped breakfast this morning. > She >then took a good look at the face of her oldest daughter, >then said, "Oh, my God! Daria! What happened?" > Tom: [Helen] You haven't been pretending to be Al Jolson again, have you? >Jane took the letter and showed it to Helen. She >scanned it for a few seconds. > Mike: [Helen] So Andrew "Dice" Clay's figured out how to use the post office. I knew this day would come. >"It was attached to what looked like a concussion >charge, Helen," Jane said. > Crow: Yes, most artists have an innate ability to identify types of explosives. Mike: Picasso practically invented C-4. >"I'm going to refer this to the Postal Inspection >Service right away!," Helen said as she ran to get the >cellular phone. > Tom: Um, Helen, maybe a hospital would be better? With the burns and head injury and... oh, never mind. >"Don't bother, Mom," Daria said; "they can't do any >good. Crow: But you said you wanted her help earlier in maybe suing them... now you're saying they won't help? Make up your mind! > Besides, there's no return address on the envelope." > Tom: Well, at least on the bits of the envelope that weren't exploded. Mike: That shows the perpetrators had more brains than a root vegetable. Crow: [gasping] Then the Lawndale Militia can't possibly be involved! >"Well, they probably CAN do something about this, young >lady!," Tom: [Helen] At the very least, they can say "I'm sorry, but we can't do anything". > Helen snapped back with firm resolve as she dialed >the number for the local Postal Inspection Service office. > Crow: [Helen] Hello, Postal Inspectors? There's no return address on this envelope! Tom: She has the Postal Inspectors on her speed dial? Mike: Well, she has that ex-client who sends a box of hissing roaches every month. >"It looks like Helen's going to help you, whether you >like it or not!," Jane said. > Crow: [Jane] Nyah nyah! >Daria just closed her eyes and put her hand to her >forehead. Mike: [Daria] Oh, how dare she react to an attempt on my life! Why can't you be more apathetic, like the Ramseys? >------------------------------------------------------------ >Back at Ryokuto Academy, life was beginning to return >to normal, or what passes for normal there. > Tom: I'm talking, of course, about pig-licking. >The entire student body had turned out for a special >ceremony marking the start of classes since the Neo-Zero >attack. Crow: Good thing, too - the school had been closed for almost three hours, and people were starting to get antsy. > The principal was standing at a podium, Mike: With his pants down and flapping like a chicken. > while >sitting on seats behind him were the department heads, Tom: Jan in the Pan's family at Ryokuto Academy... >the Student Government, the dorm presidents and various >other dignitaries. All: [student gov] We are the leaders of tomorrow. Please leave your bribes in the basket on the right. > The principal began to speak: > Crow: And immediately everyone started sleeping. >"I must congratulate all you fine young men--and one >female ghost-- [All snicker. Mike shrugs with his palms up.] > for the commendable efforts you made in >repairing our fine school. Tom: [principal] We salute you, horrifying disembodied spirit! > I must say that I am impressed >and that the repairs were made way ahead of schedule. Mike: And only $700 million over budget! > I >am even further impressed that the Education Ministry gave >us the certification to resume classes way ahead of schedule >as well. Mike: But now I'm impressed for time. Crow: [at Mike] Don't impress your luck, buddy. > I must congratulate all of you, for this was truly >a team effort. > Tom: Give a shout out to the weirdoes and outcasts in the back row! >"And now, I ask that the President of our Student >Government, Shinobu Tezuka, deliver a few remarks." > Tom: First the school gets rebuilt, and now they have to listen to a student council speech. Could this day get any worse? Mike: Isn't this speech order kind of backwards? Crow: Mm, sort of like Bill Clinton introducing the Congressional sergeant-at-arms. >The principal yielded the podium to Shinobu, who >looked stunning in his dark lavender hair. Crow: And by "stunning", we mean "hilariously geeky". Tom: What, he was wearing his hair as a suit? *What the flip is going on?!* Mike: Is he an anime character or a member of Blink 182? You make the call! > He began to >speak: > Mike: As opposed to just doing it. Crow: [Shinobu] You're all laughing at my hair, aren't you?!? Cut it out, Isaku! I mean it!! Tom: Speeches, speeches everywhere. Can't they stop to think? >"Thank you, Mr. Principal. Tom: Yes, Mr. Principal, part of a long line of principals. > To all my fellow students >here at Ryokuto, Crow: [Shinobu] It's not my fault! Honest! > I must say that your efforts are to be >commended. In fact, they wi1ll be rewarded. Tom: Your school day will be cut from 15 hours to 14 hours, 55 minutes! > I have made >arrangements with the Administration so that we will all go >to the Yorimuri Giants home opener at the Tokyo Dome this >April. Mike: Once in the stadium parking lot, we'll bask in the earnest cheers of the paying customers inside. > From what I've heard, they're making excellent >progress in repairing that facility.*" > Mike: In fact they're pulling workers from the Sewage Treatment Plants to make sure they finish on time! Tom: Mike, is Peter going to interrupt every time he makes a reference? Crow: I can't imagine the confusion it would create if we started doing it. >*The Tokyo Dome was severely damaged in "Misery Senshi." Crow: They never should have booked that Gallagher concert. Tom: I could have told him that one day the watermelons would try and get revenge. >--Sadahara Peter. > Mike: Oh. Crow: Oh what? Mike: Never mind. >There was stunned silence from the crowd. Tom: I scrubbed the blisters off my fingers for a lousy baseball ticket?! > It took a >few minutes for it to sink in. Mike: Not exactly the best and the brightest, are they? > But, then, there was a loud >"BANZAI!" from everyone that was said three times running. > Tom: And a sudden hail of small juniper trees fell on the crowd. >Shinobu continued: > >"Well, I guess that cheered everyone up. Mike: Or it inspired them to try and kill themselves. > Now, let's >get down to business." > Crow: [Shinobu] Construction costs have necessitated a little tuition increase. Please form a line on the right. Those who can't pay have one hour to gather their things. >With that, the crowd began to disperse and go to class. Mike: [applauding] Yes, the pointless stupid scene that accomplishes nothing, ladies and gentlemen! Come on, show'em you care! Crow: [Shinobu] Wait! I haven't finished yet! I was gonna talk about the work conditions! >------------------------------------------------------------ >Later that day, after class, Kazuya returned to his >room. Tom: And he began to worship in front of his shrine to Katie Holmes. Crow: So Mike, I'm guessin' that back in Wisconsin, this is about when you'd be reachin' for a lukewarm Old Milwaukee and a cut from your extensive Judas Priest collection. Far off? Mike: Journey, more likely. > Unusually, for a fine institution like this, >his homework load was light. Tom: Only a 20-page analysis of how temperature affects solubility in three-phase distillation columns. > Perhaps the administration >didn't want to heap on too much on the students the first >day back. Tom: Since when should that stop them? > All Kazuya wanted to do was to do his homework >and go to bed. Mike: Maybe get a jump on his dissertation on outcast/ weirdo social structures. > It was some day. Crow: Somewhere in the month of January. I guess. > Kazuya threw his books on >the bed when suddenly someone said, "Hey! Watch where >you're throwing those books!" > Tom: It was the pillow. Crow: I am Kazuya's bed pillow. >Kazuya turned around to see Misako sitting on his bed, >wearing a pink teddy! > Mike: Well, I guess it is a little unusual for ghosts to dress like bears... Crow: So did he throw his books over his shoulder? Tom: [harsh whipser] Quiet! You want Pete drawing diagrams? >"WHAAA-AAA-AAAA-AAAA-?," Kazuya said in a half-stutter. > Mike: [wincing] Ulk. Every time this guy speaks, it's like someone's ramming a Q-tip in my ear. Crow: And twisting. >"Oh, didn't Shun tell you?," Misako said, "I'm going to >be your new roommate." > Mike: [Misako] I even talked to the Administration and they were okay about it. Apparently they like this idea of a cross flesh/ghost program. Tom: [Misako] It's your turn to do my ghost laundry! Make sure to separate my ghost whites from my ghost colors! And don't forget the ghost fabric softener! >"Misako," Kazuya began to roar, "this room only >accommodates two people, Crow: [Misako] Oh. So, I should probably take possession of your body, then. > and there are no girls allowed >here!" > Tom: [Misako] But I come here all the time! Mike: [Kazuya] That's different! >"I'm a ghost, remember?," Misako shot back. Crow: Ahhh!! [ducks] Mike: No, please, remind us another four times. > "Besides, >Shun was passing himself off as a girl for the longest >time." > >"Well, that's different," Kazuya shot back, Mike: [Kazuya] It was our mistake for not asking if he was a guy with breasts and high heels. Tom: Just think of him as Mr. B. Natural. Crow: But she's a woman! Tom: No he's not! Crow: Is so! > hating all >the while having to be a devil's advocate for Shun. Crow: [Misako] Hey, Kazoo, did you know in this light, you look just like Keanu Reeves? > "Shun's >more like that Ranma Saotome guy, except he doesn't need >cold water!" > Mike: [confused] So, this Ramada guy needs a cold shower? Or he's not really machine washable? What is he saying here? Crow: It's an anime thing. You wouldn't understand. Mike: [sighing] All right, I call, no nation gets superpower status unless they have all their gender identity issues resolved. >"Temper, temper, temper!," giggled Misako. > Crow: [calling] The steel's ready! >Kazuya was ready to blow it when Shun entered. > Tom: But according to Bo Derek, Ghosts Can't Do It. >"Oh, hi, Ska!," Mike: Hi Ska? Crow: Madness must have wandered in. > Shun chimed in. "I see you noticed >that Misako's going to be with us now!" [Tom ahems.] Crow: [Shun] Oh, and she's in a teddy too. Tom: You realize, this could degenerate into the weirdest game of "Spin the Bottle" ever. Mike: [shuddering] Ugh. Thanks a lot. > Shun was wearing >another of his after-class outfits, this time it was a pink >T-shirt with a stupid smiley face, a red miniskirt and red >high heels.* > Crow: Oo, I want him on Elle! Tom: The magazine? Crow: No, the tracks where the Chicago trains run. >*Quinn had worn a similar outfit when she tried to >seduce Kevin in the "Daria" episode "The Lab Brat". Tom: Thank you Mr. Unnecessary Information. >--Peter the Graduate. Mike: [falsetto] Mr. Guerin, you're not trying to seduce me, are you? Crow: He can get away with this, because he doesn't have any storyline to interrupt. > >Kazuya turned around to face Shun and then snapped, Mike: [Shun] ... huh? What happened? Last thing I remember I was at the hypnotist, the next minute... EEK! WHAT AM I WEARING? >"Shun, how could you do this to me?" > Tom: It's called hatred, Ska. I'd get used to it if I were you. >"Hey, c'mon, Ska! Misako likes it here much better >than in Yomi!*" > Mike: Inyomi? Isn't that where December 7th lives? Tom: No, "infamy". It's not the same. >*In Shinto, Yomi is their equivalent of the underworld, >kind of like the Greek Hades; everyone, regardless of >whether they were good or bad, goes there. Mike: It's basically a dorm for dead people. Crow: So Stalin and Schweitzer wind up roomies? Tom: Oh hey! Hey guys! You know where you find Yomi? Huh?! Do ya?! WYOMING! HA! Mike: Now I don't think that's called for, Servo. Wyoming is actually beautiful country. Tom: It's not about the country, Mike! Yomi is IN Wyoming! Look at it! Crow: Mm, I see rustic cowboys leading lives of simple pleasures. Mountains, wild horses... Mike: Government subsidized grazing rights. And the strip mines! Crow: [wistfully] Ah, the strip mines. Tom: [muttering] Pardon me while I multitask my contempt for you both. > It's presided >over by Susanô, Mike: Specifically, Susanô Hoffs, of Bangles fame. > who is also the God of the Wind and brother >to Amaterasu-Omikami, the Great Heaven-Shining Deity who >serves as the Sun Goddess. Crow: Not to mention being second cousin twice removed of Murray, the old high priest-king and demigod in charge of walking the dog during "Whose Line Is It Anyway?". > For more details, read the >appendix to "Misery Senshi." Tom: Is he writing a novel-length fanfic, or a fictional essay with reference sheets? > --Reverend Peter. > Mike: Peter had several job changes over the course of writing this fanfic. Tom: And apparently, he's decided to go ahead and incorporate the appendix directly into the story this time. Crow: Good. Tom & Mike: *GOOD?!?* Crow: In the sense of at least we won't get blindsided by it at the end again. Tom: That's kind of a mixed blessing, ain't it? Mike: No, he's right, Tom - at this point, we have to take whatever comfort we can. >"Well, sometimes I wish she'd stay there!," Kazuya >yelled. > Crow: What's his problem, anyway? It's like he doesn't WANT a female roommate! Tom: It's the ectoplasm, it completely turns him off. >"Uh, oh," Shun now said in alarm; "you shouldn't have >said that, Ska!" > Crow: [Minnewegean accent] Oh, that was just uncalled for, don't ya know? >Kazuya now turned around to see Misako beginning to >sniffle. Tom: Somebody get her the ghost of some chicken soup! Mike: Chicken soup for the soul? Tom: I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that. > If she broke out in tears again, the results would >be catastrophic. > Mike: [confused] Because her cheeks would get really puffy? >"Misako," Kazuya began, "don't! I didn't mean it!" > Tom: [Kazuya] I meant you should stay there in a GOOD way! A GOOD way! >Misako was about to cry now. Kazuya ran up to her >and put his hand over her mouth. > Mike: And got slimed for his troubles. Crow: Ah, we're using the "Soultaker" laws of corporealness. Tom: Yeah, later he'll try to punch her and his fist'll pass right through. >"Please!," Kazuya said. "I'm sorry!" > >Misako seemed to calm down when Kazuya said that. [All snicker.] Mike: Jeez, if only my ex-girlfriend forgave me this quick. Crow: Hm, when confronted with a hellish revenant seeking revenge, a simple apology placates them immediately! I'll have to write that down! >Kazuya and Shun began to breathe sighs of relief. > Tom: Good thing the dead are easily bamboozled. >"I've got to get out for a while," Kazuya now said, >grabbing his books. > Mike: Good thinking! Now if one of Japan's gangs of roving auditors comes after him, he can use those books to distract them long enough to get away! >"Don't forget about the ten o'clock curfew!," Shun >reminded Kazuya. > Tom: And for goodness' sake, stay away from the Staples Center! >"Yeah, yeah, yeah," was Kazuya's reply. He just wanted >to be out of here for a while. Mike: We sympathize - believe me, we really sympathize! >------------------------------------------------------------ >Kazuya had been out on the streets for a while. Crow: He had to scarf down on leftover grubs and pizza boxes. > He >wasn't sure where he was, until he passed an apartment >complex that said "SHOWA EMPEROR MEMORIAL PUBLIC HOUSING >PROJECT". Crow: My, what a loud apartment complex. Mike: You'd think it would have something more interesting to say. > Now he remembered where he was. Tom: [Kazuya] Hey, waitasec! This is Japan! > He was at the >apartment building that his girlfriend, Miya Igarashi, Mike: Although the restraining order made dating a bit more difficult. > had >been calling home since she moved out of her mother's >apartment after the falling out she had with her old >boyfriend Tenma Koizumi. Crow: "Kazuya walked to his girlfriend's apartment." I care little about that, and nothing about anything else. > Kazuya now entered the building, Tom: Are you sure he didn't *begin to* enter the building? Crow: I think he *seemed to* enter the building. Mike: Living in the past, eh? >took the elevator to the tenth floor and approached >Apartment 10H. Kazuya rang the doorbell, Tom: [Kazuya] *snort* Candygram! *tee-hee* > which was answered >by Miya. She was not wearing her seifuku Tom: Saaay! Crow: Wow! Pete missed a crossover opportunity! Something must be terribly wrong! > but instead was >clad in a red T-shirt and beige slacks. It looked like she >had just finished cooking dinner. > Crow: Because the Japanese like to eat in dinner casual. >"Miya, I hope I didn't catch you at a bad time," Kazuya >began to say. > Mike: [Miya, covering her ears] AH! Don't say anything! Please! >"No, not at all," Miya replied. "Come in, please. I >just finished cooking dinner. All: [a la "Iron Chef"] *I-YON-A, CHEF!* > I was going to have some >tempura.* > Mike: She's gonna eat paint? >*Tempura is fish stir-fried in a wok.--Chef Yan Can't Cook Peter. > Mike: Oh. Never mind. Tom: **Tempura is batter-dipped deep-fried seafood or vegetables. -- Tom "Guerin is a Mullet" Servo Crow: Wow. A succinct statement. Mike: Look closely at it. We're not likely to see one of those again. >"Sure," said Kazuya resignedly. Mike: [Kazuya] What was I thinking? She can't even boil water without ruining it! I'm a dead man! > He entered the >apartment. It was modestly decorated but cozy. Crow: Hm. The undead ghost student living with *her* doesn't have any sense of design. > Miya began >to serve the tempura for Kazuya. > Tom: [Miya] I only made enough for myself, but please! Dig in! >"You know, I owe a lot to your brother and sister-in- >law for this apartment," Miya said. Crow: [Miya] Could you try and tell them that I'll pay them on Monday? > "After I moved out, I >didn't know where to turn. Hiro and Sumire have been so >kind and considerate to me." > Mike: [Kazuya, wolfing down food] SLURP! CHOMP! Oh, kind, considerate, yeah. Hey, this fish tastes like cardboard! Got any ketchup? >Although Kazuya knew she had gotten this place, Tom: Seeing how she lives here and all. > he >didn't know until now that his brother had gotten this >place for him. Crow: So, Kazoo knew that this place where she was, she had got, but not that the place was got for her by someone else. Tom: Right. Mike: Huh? > He didn't know that he had such a soft >spot in his heart. > Tom: He wondered if surgery was the answer. >"Miya, I came over here to blow some steam," Kazuya >began to say. Crow: Eating all your food's just a bonus. > "Shun and Misako were getting on my nerves." > Tom: [Miya] What, the pre-op and the banshee? Why? >"Well, a lot of nerves were frayed during the recent >attack," Mike: Being bombed has that effect on people. > Miya replied; "it can't be helped." > Crow: [Miya] We all have our own flamingly transsexual roommates and petulant ghosts to bear. >"Miya, why can't I just have a normal life?