Mystery Usenet Theater 3000: "The Triumph of the Retart" by Peter Guerin Misted by Alex Gareipy, Bill Livingston, Cory McCasland, Keith Palmer, D. Reed, Rebo Valance, and Matt Blackwell (editor) [Season 10 Opening Sequence] [The doors open upon the Bridge of the Satellite of Love. Mike Nelson, the human occupant of the satellite, sits behind the command console, with his head in his hands. His robotic companions, Crow T. Robot and Tom Servo, stand to his left and right.] Crow: We could both wear cowboy hats and pretend to speak Italian. Mike: I don't know, Crow. Crow: Come on! Guess! Mike: Um, "Ticket to Ride"? Crow: No! Geez, Mike. It's "Down Together" by the Refreshments. Tom: Okay, my turn. Here you go, Mike. "People always told me, be careful what you do. Don't go around breaking young girl's hearts." Mike: Guys, please leave me alone. Tom: Oooh. Close. Same artist, but wrong song. It's "Billie Jean." [Mike groans and looks up to address the camera.] Mike: Hi folks. Mike Nelson here on the Satellite of Love. For the past three hours, Servo and Crow here have been pelting me with impromptu lyrics quizzes. Over and over and over again, I... Tom: Ooh! "Eve of Destruction"! Mike: [harshly] That wasn't a lyric! Tom: Oh. Sorry. Mike: Anyway, my patience is not only exhausted but it's currently crumpled up in a corner, crying softly to itself. Tom: I think I know this one. It's a Morrisey song, right? Mike: It's not a song lyric! Stop pestering me with them! Tom: Geez. Okay. [All is silent for a moment.] Crow: Okay, my turn. [Mike groans and buries his head in his hands.] Crow: Okay, here's an easy one for you. "She's coming on like a bicycle army..." [As Crow speaks, the lights signaling a call from Castle Forrester begin to flash. Crow's voice trails off, and Mike raises his head. All three of the crew turn to stare at the signal.] Mike: Er, are we due for an experiment? Crow: I don't think so. Tom: Heck, we haven't even shown commercials yet. Mike: [whispered harshly] Stop breaking the fourth wall, Tom. [normal] I guess we better see what's up. [hits button] Um, hello? [The scene shifts to a darkened Castle Forrester. In the foreground, a figure shrouded in darkness stands. He speaks in a low, distorted tone.] Figure: Mike Nelson? [SoL] Mike: Yes? [Castle Forrester] Figure: I bring you a warning. You are in imminent danger. A piece has been unearthed by the one called Pearl that will shake your soul to its very foundation. For soon, you shall face a piece so horrible that... [SoL] Crow: Um, excuse me? Why are you telling us this? [Castle Forrester] Figure: I have committed horrible sins in the past and I feel that I must atone for my actions. Besides, Pearl won't let me watch "West Wing" and this is a good way to get even. [SoL] Tom: Oh. [Castle Forrester] Figure: Where was I? Oh yeah. Be warned! For imminently, another story from one of your favorite authors shall be sent to you and his name is... Pearl: [O.S.] Bobo?!? Where the heck are those Cheez-its? Figure: Gotta go. [normal voice] Coming, Lawgiver! [SoL] [The trio looks uneasily at each other.] Tom: This sounds bad. Crow: Yeah. Mike: [cheerfully] Guys, let's get serious here. We've suffered through a huge number of these things now. How bad could this possibly be? [Silence. The commercial sign begins to flash.] Mike: Okay, let's panic. [to the camera] We'll be right back. [The trio begin to rush wildly around as the planet bumper appears.] [Commercials] [Papers, CDs, and videotapes are scattered everywhere. From off-screen, the sound of crashing can be heard. Crow enters.] Crow: Hey everyone. We've spent the last few minutes cramming for this big thing that Pearl's supposed to be sending us. We figure that it's something from one of those anime guys, that James Cameron conspiracy guy, or something by James Joyce. I've been running over everything that I can find about anime, and Mike's been studying conspiracy theories. Tom started on James Joyce... Mike: [O.S.] Tom! get down from there! Crow: ... well, he got as far as page 6 of "Ulysses" before losing it. Tom: [O.S.] Pink boy, you can bite my shiny metal... Mike: [O.S.] Servo! Crow: He's convinced that he's Bender. Mike: [O.S.] Tom, put that down! Crow? Where did Tom get a keg from? Crow: I dunno. Maybe he got it from Keith's room. He was a big drinker. Mike: [O.S.] Keith? Tom: [O.S.] o/~ Puff the Magic Dragon, lived by the sea o/~ Crow: Mike, we've gone over this before. Mike: [O.S.] We have? But... Tom! Put the beer down! You can't drink that! Tom: [O.S.] Alcohol is essential to any robot's operation. Mike: [O.S.] No it's not! Gimme that! [Sounds of a scuffle can be heard off screen.] Crow: Aside from that, things are just about normal around here. [Mike enters, winded.] Mike: Whew. Crow: Where's Tom? Mike: I handed him off to Gypsy. She's trying to reprogram him back to normal. Well, as normal as he usually is, anyway. [A *CLANG* can be heard off screen.] Crow: She's using the frying pan technique again, isn't she? Mike: Yep. So, who's this Keith guy? Crow: Like I told you before, Mike, Keith was... [As Crow speaks, the light signaling a call from Castle Forrester activates.] Crow: I'll tell you later. Mike: Well, let's see what the harbinger of doom wants. [Mike taps the lights and the scene shifts to...] [Castle Forrester] [Pearl Forrester, evildoer, stands before the camera.] Pearl: Hey Mike. Art. How are things up there? [SoL] Mike: Oh, pretty well, I guess. Only one of us is acting psychopathically. [Castle Forrester] Pearl: So, things are pretty slow then? [SoL] Mike: Yep. [Castle Forrester] Pearl: And did everyone sleep well last night? [SoL] Mike: I did. The bots didn't though. Crow: We don't really sleep much, Pearl. [Castle Forrester] Pearl: Well, enough with the pointless banter. Today's experiment is a feel good story from one of your favorite authors, Peter Guerin. [SoL] [Tom enters, slightly dazed.] Mike: Hold on, Pearl! We're wise to your little game! Crow: You've found something horrible and you're going to inflict it on us! [Castle Forrester] Pearl: Oh, please. Guys, tonight's story is an uplifting tale of overcoming adversity! It's called "Triumph of the Retart." Come on, guys! Listen to the reviews! "Wonderful!" "A powerful story!" David Manning calls it "A triumph of the human soul!" [SoL] Mike: Oh. Crow: That doesn't sound too bad. Tom: Mom? Are we having waffles for breakfast? [Castle Forrester] Pearl: Now that's the spirit! Now you little tykes just head on into the theater and let Auntie Pearl just send you up a story, okay? [SoL] [The lights on the command console have begun to flash.] All: Okay, Auntie Pearl. [Castle Forrester] Pearl: And if you're good, there might be some marshmallow squares waiting for you afterwards... [SoL] Crow: Yay! Marshmallow squares! [As the bots jump around like puppies, Mike hits the light, and the door sequence begins.] [6 . . . 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . .] [Mike and the robots enter the theater and take their seats.] Mike: Wow. Pearl seems really nice today. Crow: Maybe she's turning over a new leaf. Tom: Or maybe she's just being extra nice because she's sending us a real doozy and wants it to catch us off guard. [pause] All: Nah. Mike: She must be getting sentimental on us. > > >TRIUMPH OF THE "RETART" > Mike: One of Leni Reifenstahl's lesser-known films. >A "Daria" Fan Fiction Story by Peter Guerin. > Tom: Peter Guerin! The man who brought you "Miffy Sissi Never Done Banana Split" and "Rerun of the Lawndale Muffler"! >With apologies to Glenn Eichler and Mike Judge. Tom: [officious] No Japanese people were offended in the making of this fanfic. Crow: Well, that's a start. >---------------------------------------------------------------------- >---------------------------------------------------------- >AUTHOR'S DISCLAIMER > Tom: I disclaim this land from Spain! >This story is entirely a work of fiction. Nothing in this story ever >happened. Tom: And a preemptive thank-you to whatever divine powers insured that. Mike: It hasn't started yet. Crow: Yeah, but my Spider-sense is tingling. > Other than the characters that I created for this story, Mike: And I assure you, President Fillard Millmore is my original creation, yes siree. > all >"Daria" and "Beavis and Butt-Head" characters depicted in this story >are (C) 1993, 1997, 1998 MTV Networks. Mike: In the other years, they became free agents, at one point almost signing a five-year deal with the Chicago Cubs. Crow: No "Undressed" characters? What a gyp! > All "King of the Hill" >characters depicted in this story are (C) 1997, 1998 Twentieth >Century-Fox Film Corporation. Crow: Fox! Lowering the lowest common denominator since 1987! > A News Corporation Company. Tom: The News is copyrighted by Fox? Mike: Yep. They own the Middle East, China, California, George W. Bush... Crow: Don't be silly, Mike! Everyone knows the Oil Lobby owns Dubya! > All rights >reserved. As for continuity, this story takes place before "The Misery >Senshi Neo-Zero Double Blitzkrieg Debacle". Crow: Hey! Ol' Pete's getting back to the basics for this story. Tom: Yep. No scrubbing bubbles, no rickety World War Two surplus planes... just good, old-fashioned army boots. Mike: But that pain still lies in their future. Tom: Shouldn't we try to warn them? Crow: Nope. If we couldn't avoid it, why should they? >---------------------------------------------------------------------- >---------------------------------------------------------- >SONG CREDITS [All sigh.] Crow: Just like the swallows returning to Capistrano. > >"Killing in the Name": Mike: What ever happened to just "living" in the name? > Lyrics by Zack de la Rocha; Tom: Hey, it's the funny little cartoon cockroach! > music by Rage >Against the Machine. Crow: Tonight, at the Big O! It's the XFL's Orlando Rage against the World Football League's Montreal Machine! Mike: Um, Crow? The Montreal Machine no longer exists. Crow: Neither does the XFL, so what's your point? > (C) 1992 Retribution Music (BMI). Tom: Bowel Movement Institute. > All Rights >Reserved. Tom: What about lefts? Mike: Those too. Three lefts make a right. > Available on Rage Against the Machine's 1992 self-titled >album on Epic Associated CD's and cassettes. > Crow: No wax cylinders? Hmmph! Tom: Here our gramophone was ready to give us years of faithful service, and then *they* force us to buy the next big thing! >"Bulls on Parade": Tom: From the CD "Songs of the Stock Market." Mike: [To a march tempo] o/~ They're buuuuulls on parade! They're mooing along, the matadors are afraaaaaaid... o/! > Lyrics by Zack de la Rocha; music by Rage Against >the Machine. Crow: I think I'm sensing a pattern here. > (C) 1996 Sony/ATV Songs LLC and Retribution Music (BMI). Mike: I'm starting to think this is some form of divine retribution. >All rights administered by Sony/ATV Music Publishing. All Rights >Reserved. Crow: [Minnewegean accent] Oh, them rights are just shy, don't ya know? > Appearing on Rage Against the Machine's 1996 album "Evil >Empire" on Epic CD's and cassettes. > Crow: AKA The AOL-Time Warner Story. Tom: [Reagan] Mr. Deli Roach, tear down this album! >"The Impossible Dream": Mike: You can just hear the musical transmission dropping out right here. > Lyrics by Joe Darion; music by Mitch Leigh. Crow: Voice enhanced by Sync Sound! >(C) 1965 by Andrew Scott, Inc., Helena Music Corp., Sam Fox All: SAMANTHA FOX?!? Crow: That's such a hot name! Tom: Yeah, but what's in a name? Mike: Turns out, naughty girls need fanfics too. > Publishing >Company, Inc. All rights reserved. From the musical "The Man of La >Mancha," based on the novel "Don Quixote" by Miguel de Cervantes >Saavedra. > Mike: This seems rather a quixotic selection... get it? Tom: But wait - where's it available? Crow: Pete's slipping. >"Nearer, My God, to Thee": Lyrics by Sarah F. Adams; music by Lowell >Mason. > Tom: No Rights Reserved? Uh oh! Guerin's got an opening in his disclaimer that lawyers can puncture through! Crow: No comment. Mike: Politic of you. But what was there to comment on? Crow: Nothing, really... but 'no comment' makes it sound like I had something witty to say. >"Lift Ev'ry Voice and Sing": Words by James Weldon Johnson; music by >J. Rosamond Johnson. (C) 1921 by Edward B. Marks Music Corporation. >Copyright renewed. International Copyright Secured. All Rights >Reserved. Tom: Patent Officers of the World UNITE against bad fanfic writers! >---------------------------------------------------------------------- >----------------------------------------------------------AUTHOR'S >DEDICATION > Tom: Considering the length of past efforts, perhaps excessive. >This story is dedicated to Kristin Graziani (1969-1996), a fellow >student of mine from Connetquot High School (Bohemia, New York) who >was pretty much like Daria when we were in school Crow: She too was animated and moved from time slot to time slot by MTV. > and who tragically >succumbed to a congenital heart defect a couple of years ago. I miss >you, Mother Hen. > Mike: Say, when you see Steve Thorpe, give him a 'hi' from us, will ya? >"There's gonna be some sweet sounds on the night shift." --The >Commodores, "Night Shift" Tom: And now, back to the tripe. >---------------------------------------------------------------------- >---------------------------------------------------------- >"Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere." --Dr. Martin >Luther King, Jr. > Mike: "Beware of thinkers whose minds function only when they are fueled by a quotation." -- E. M. Cioron >"Nothing dies so hard, or rallies so often as intolerance." --Henry >Ward Beecher > Tom: "One original thought is worth a thousand mindless quotings." -- Diogenes Crow: "Quotation confesses inferiority." -- Ralph Waldo Emerson >"When Israel was in Egypt's land,/ Mike: That was called the Six Day War, wasn't it? > Let my people go!/Oppressed so hard >they could not stand,/Let my people go!/Go down, Moses/ Mike: Further. Further. Down further. No, wait, come back up a little now - little more. Perfect! Now say "cheese"! > Way down in >Egypt's land;/Tell old Pharaoh,/Let my people go!" --"Go Down, Moses", >traditional spiritual song Tom: I'm sensing a great disturbance in the Force... as if millions of civil rights activists suddenly began to spin in their graves. >---------------------------------------------------------------------- >---------------------------------------------------------- >Chapter 1: Everybody's Talkin' About the New Kid in Town Tom: So, while Harry Potter becomes a hit in other parts of the world, this little part talks about Janette Oke's Animal Friends? >---------------------------------------------------------------------- >---------------------------------------------------------- > >Somewhere, on a tropical beach, Mike: Santa Claus was taking his well-earned vacation. > Daria Morgendorffer was lying on the >sand, wearing a green one-piece bathing suit and sunglasses. Mike: Just one sentence into the story, and already we got one of the many Guerin-isms out there! Tom: Yes, a green-clad heroine must keep color-coded! Crow: Meanwhile, on another side of the island, Richard Hatch is probably streaking by again... > Next to >her was Trent Lane, Mike: As portrayed by Daria's friend, Wilson the Volleyball. > lead singer and guitarist for Mystik Spiral; Tom: Like he isn't baked enough? > he >was wearing purple trunks that went down to his knees. > Tom: Trent had just finished fighting The Abomination, and had finally managed to ditch that Rick Jones twerp. >"This is how I like it," Mike: Is 'like' even in Daria's vocabulary? Crow: No. > Daria began to say," lying here on a beach >with you, without a care in the world." > Crow: Except for medical waste, skin cancer, and visible panty lines. >"Hey, that's cool with me," Trent said. > Crow: Um, Trent? Everything is cool with you. Heck, even Ricky Martin is cool with you. >"Now," Daria added, "if only Quinn got eaten by a shark, it would be >perfect." > Mike: Maybe for you, but what about the shark? Crow: [Quinn] Grey is such a bland color! If you're looking for a neutral, try eggplant! >Quinn, Daria's sister, was swimming nearby, wearing a pink bikini. Crow: Ahhh... more gratuitous shots of cartoon flesh. Joy. >Indeed, a shark's fin pierced the water. John Williams' "Jaws" theme >could be heard in the background. Mike: Huh! And here I was hearing Danny Elfman's "Jaws" theme. Crow: James Horner's "Jaws" theme for me. Tom: Hey! Mike: What? Tom: The 'Jaws' theme... it wasn't listed up there in the song credits! It's a travesty! Mike: You really care that much? Tom: No. > Suddenly, the shark appeared and >opened its mouth. Mike: Now open your mouth and say "AAAAAH". Tom: Who? Mike: Both of them. > Quinn saw it and screamed as the shark swallowed her >whole. Mike: This was no boating accident! > But then, after a few seconds, the shark gagged, reversed its >peristalsis Mike: Oooh, vocabulary word of the week... Tom: "Peristalsis: The wavelike muscular contractions of the alimentary canal or other tubular structures by which contents are forced onward toward the opening." Crow: Where do you find all this useless trivia? Tom: Memepool. > and spat out Quinn onto the shore. Mike: Bulimic sea life - is your fish at risk? Next "Oprah". > Quinn, now covered in >shark barf, went up to Daria. > Tom: Please, Pete! Let's keep the biological technobabble to a minimum. Crow: Y'know, we've seen a lot of cheesy movies and read a lot of bad fanfiction up here, but I don't recall ever before being confronted by the term "Shark Barf" before. Mike: Well, except as relates to "Devil Fish". >"Daria," Quinn began to shriek," if you think that's your idea of a >joke, it's not funny!" > Tom: Jonah, this isn't. Crow: After being swallowed by a shark and regurgitated onto a beach, her first priority is yelling at Daria? What about any injuries? Mike: Yes, if nothing else she'd freak out over the condition of her hair. Tom: She probably broke a nail or two as well. >Daria was taking off her sunglasses when Quinn threw a punch. > Mike: Oh no, now her one-piece bathing suit will have a nasty stain! >Suddenly, Daria's alarm clock began to buzz. She was jolted awake. > Tom: And now for something completely different. >"Damn," she said to herself; "I was having a very good dream, then >Quinn and the alarm clock had to ruin it for me!" > Crow: Maybe this story is really a dream within a dream and the real Daria will wake up and be funny! >She got out of bed and got dressed. Today was going to be the first >day of the new school year. Tom: Welcome to the first day of the rest of your life! > She took off her blue T-shirt and yellow >shorts, slipped on her brown robe, took a shower, Crow: In her robe? Damn, Daria must be REALLY tired! > cleaned her face, Mike: Using what? Crow: Yes, without the crucial knowledge of what color the wash cloth was, we simply can't continue! >went to her dresser, put on a bra and panties, Tom: What, over her sopping wet robe? > then went to the closet >and put on her usual outfit of brown T-shirt, green jacket, black >knee-length skirt and black combat boots. Mike: More incredibly precise yet meaningless details as they become available! And now back to... oh, it's still this. Tom: What is it with male writers and their need to catalog every single thing the female protagonist is wearing? Crow: No clue, but personally I don't mind. > She then went down the >stairs to the kitchen. Mike: But not before bumping into several things, as she forgot to put on her glasses. > Already Quinn was at the table, along with Jake >and Helen, Daria and Quinn's father and mother, respectively, eating >breakfast. > Tom: Also present at the table was Helen's secret lesbian lover Wanda, as well as Marty the talking dog. Crow: So... Jake is Daria's father and Helen is Quinn's mother? Mike: Yes, but I don't think that's what he intended to say. >"Good morning, Daria!," chirped Jake. [All do various bird calls.] Tom: He's waiting for Helen to regurgitate her food. > "Ready to take on another school >year?" > Mike: For the duration of this fanfic, Jake Morgendorffer will be played by a 2-year old parakeet. >"I find school as thrilling as getting a root canal," droned Daria. > Mike: That seems like the wrong verb. Tom: Any particular reason? Mike: Nope. >"Daria," Helen shot back, Tom: Guerin-ism #212: Always shoot back at a conversation. > "do you always have to have a negative >attitude towards everything?" > Tom: [Daria] Yes, because otherwise we're all out of work. >"I only have negative attitudes about things that are stupid," replied >Daria. > Mike: [Daria] Which pretty much encompasses everything and everyone I know except me and Jane. And sometimes, I wonder about Jane. Crow: Yep, there goes the "Dry as a Desert" Daria wit, once again... >"Daria, you are such a dweeb!," said Quinn. > Tom: Ah, classic Quinn. Only she could say something that... >"And you're an even bigger dweeb, Quinn!," said Daria in response. > Tom: ...I stand corrected. Crow: [Quinn] That's *it*? That's the best you can do? Mike: [Daria] Hey, give me a break, I had a very restless night, dreaming of slackers in knee pants and shark barf. >"Come on, you two!," Jake pleaded. "You'd better finish your breakfast >and get going!" > >"Well, back to the salt mines!," said Daria as she helped herself to >some pancakes and eggs. Crow: Knowing Principal Li, that's probably not a joke. >---------------------------------------------------------------------- >---------------------------------------------------------- >Daria was walking down the street Mike: o/~ Singing 'Doo-wah-diddi-diddi-dum-diddi-doo'! o/~ > toward Lawndale High School with her >best friend Jane Lane. So far, it had been a pretty quiet walk. > Mike: Then the story started up again. >"So," Jane finally broke the ice, Tom: Now to enjoy a cool glass of Tang! > "how do you think this school year >will go?" > Tom: [Daria] DeMartino should have that coronary any day now and Upchuck will be charged with sexual harassment. >"Same stuff, different year," replied Daria sarcastically. > Mike: And exactly how is that sarcastic? >"C'mon, Daria," Jane continued, "things might be a bit different; you >never know." > Mike: [Jane] Otherwise, this fanfic would be titled "Same old poop I endure every school year." >"Let's face facts, Jane," Daria replied; Tom: [Daria] We're in a cartoon TV show. We'll NEVER grow up! > "it's always the same story: Crow: [Daria] We go on some dull, yet somewhat exciting adventure. The other characters pop in with a few quips, then we end the show with an odd music video. La la, LA-la la. We're done, next episode, please? >popular people like Quinn, Kevin and Brittany shun smart people like >us and we're treated like we're lower than whale dung. Mike: Come on! Manganese nodules are a valuable natural resource. Crow: Oh, really? Mike: Well, they are. > It's always >been that way and perhaps will always be that way." > Tom: Misery Zen: the fad that's sweeping the nation. >"Well, actually, there are some people at Lawndale High treated worse >than us," Jane was quick to add. > Mike: The janitors? >"Who?," Daria wanted to know. > Mike: The teachers then? >"The poor unfortunate students who are assigned to Special Education," >answered Jane. Tom: [Daria] Oh yeah, those dweebs! Whew! It sure is a relief to know we're not at the bottom of the social chain. > "Did you know that there about two hundred Special >Education students in Lawndale High?" > Tom: [Jane] That's about 20% of the school's contingent of students! I saw it on 60 Minutes last night. >"How come I don't see them?," demanded Daria. > Mike: [Jane] Because Ms. Li made them up so that she could get extra funding from the school district. If anyone asks, they're all off on a field trip. >"That's because they're segregated to their own part of the school," >Jane said. Mike: [Jane] Now they're talking about political autonomy! Tom: Oh, it's a very special fanfic! > "The Special Education students rarely ever go outside that >wing except going to and from there at the start and end of the day, >as well as the few lucky ones who get mainstreamed into regular >classes. The regular students keep harassing them and beating them up. Mike: While the irregular students spend all day in the bathroom. >The students who are relegated to that wing call it 'The Ghetto.'" > Tom: o/~ And the teachers cry. 'Cause if there's one thing the school don't need, it's another empty brain to feed in the ghetto... o/~ >"And I thought segregation was dead in this country," sneered Daria. > Crow: [Jane] Wow, I love it when you impersonate Billy Idol! >"By the way," Jane said, "did I tell you we've got new neighbors?" > Crow: Jane needs to work on her segue skills a bit. >"You do?," said a rather surprised Daria. > Mike: [Jane] It's those losers from "Spy Groove." They kept me up last night with their whining about their cancellation. Crow: [Daria] Bummer. >"Yeah," Jane replied; "They moved in a couple of weeks ago. They're >called the MacAllisters. Tom: Don't they give awards to opera singers? > They're pretty cool folks. I met their >younger son David. Tom: [Jane] He'll be part of the big plot point later on. > He seems to be a pretty good person, if a bit >sensitive. Mike: [Daria] What do you mean, "sensitive"? Tom: [Jane] I mean he cries when he watches "Judging Amy". And "Lexx". And "The Weakest Link". And "The Drew Carey Show". Crow: [Jane] Oh, and their older son is trying to build some sort of local militia, but I'm sure we won't ever hear about that again. > He's going to be going to Lawndale High with us." > Mike: I sense a theme between this conversation and the one about Special Ed. Tom: Nothing gets by you, huh Mike? >"I guess I'll have to meet him," Daria said. > Crow: [Jane] Yeah, well, it's in the script, so not much you can really do about it. Sorry. >They were now right at the front yard of Lawndale High. They entered >the front doors. Tom: Guerin-ism #201: Make a big deal about them entering or "beginning to enter" buildings. > Jodie Landon and Michael Jordan Mackenzie, a/k/a >Mack, Mike: a/k/a Big Baby Sweets. > were waiting for them. > Mike: See, Tony Soprano had just ordered a hit on Jane... >"Daria, Jane, just the people I was hoping to talk to," Jodie said. > Tom: [Jodie] I'm much too optimistic. Quick, depress me. >"What's up, Jodie?," Daria said. > Tom: [Daria] You haven't been traded to "Undergrads", have you? >"Well," Jodie said, "as you know, we lost our president-elect for >Student Government when her father was transferred to another state. Mike: [Daria] If we already knew, then what was the point of saying it? >So, as Vice President, I have to serve as Acting President until >special elections are held. Crow: These very special elections are brought to you by the letters 'M', 'T', and 'V'. > Do you think you want to take a stab at >being Student Government President?" > Tom: [Jodie] Heavens forefend I run for the office. You know, being actually qualified and all... >"I think I'll pass," Daria said. > Crow: What? No "I'd rather gargle acid"? Tom: Not even a half-hearted "Up yours"? Mike: Maybe she took her Prozac today. Crow: If she had, she'd be smashing Jodie upside the head with a brick bat. >"Why?," asked an astonished Jodie. "Don't you want to get involved >with you school?" > Mike: [Daria] I have many failings. Irrational lust for run-down educational institutions is fortunately not among them. >"Jodie," Daria said, Crow: [Daria] I'm a poet, not a politician! > "I was once involved with the local chapter of >GLAAD Crow: Daria Morgendorffer: plastic wrap fan club president! > as well as fashion reporter for the school newspaper when I was >living in Highland; [All laugh] Tom: *That* must've been a short career! Mike: [Daria] Shallow. Shallow. Shallow. Lame. Shallow. Shallow *and* lame. Shallow. Shallow, lame and stupid looking. Shallow. > I'll never make that mistake again." > Crow: Guerin-ism #602: If something needs explaining, make a huge appendix! Tom: Weird, no asterisk... you think all the references will be in one big hurtful appendix this time? >"You're actually a lesbian?," Mack said in shock. > Tom: [Daria] Yes, I'm from Beirut. >"No," Daria shot back; Mike: Soon, Daria was slamming back vodka, tequila, heck, even cough syrup. > "I joined GLAAD to shock my parents. Crow: [Daria] And to get some money from Kevin Smith. Tom: [Daria] Well, and to hook up with this cute redhead. But that was just a phase! I swear! > That >wasn't the mistake. Crow: [Daria] It was just that I didn't have the voltage turned up high enough. > Being the fashion reporter was. Besides, what >chance do I have against popular airheads like Sandi and Quinn?" > Crow: Kinda like Ralph Nader's chances of winning next election. >"Rats," All: Vote Bush! > Jane said, "if I knew you were a lessie I would have been >pretty interested in you." > Mike: [Jane] After all, it's time for you to stop leasing and get property of your own! I have a lovely house in Greenwood that you should see... >Daria was dumbfounded, then Jane slapped her on the back, snickered >and said, "Just kidding, Daria!" > Tom: [Jane] You don't interest me in the slightest. I've just been using you to get to Quinn. >"That was a relief!," muttered Daria to herself. > Tom: Well, then! Let's move on to showing how Daria and company accept those different from them. >"What about you, then, Jane?," Jodie said. "Do you want to run for >Student Government President?" > Mike: At this rate Jodie will be accosting farm animals by the time the day is out. Crow: What's with her? It's like she WANTS someone else to be President! Tom: Maybe she's expecting an uprising by the Home Ec class. >"I'll take a rain check on that," Jane said; "I'm too involved with my >art work as it is." > Crow: Yeah, she's busy with that new atrium project, painting angels and naked people. >They were going to go to their homeroom when they stopped at a rather >dingy-looking wing of the school. It was the infamous "Ghetto". > Mike: How infamous can it be if Daria's never heard of it before today? Tom: o/~ From a cold and dreary Lawndale class, Daria and Jane got a hallway pass to the Ghetto! o/~ Crow: o/~ To the Ghetto! o/~ >"Well, Daria," said Jane, "this is the 'Ghetto.'" > >"Pretty dingy-looking, don't you think?," asked Daria. > Crow: Daria read the description a few paragraphs up. >"Special Education has a pretty low priority here," Jane said. > Tom: Ms. Li spent all the budget on electro-shock equipment. >"Seeing this place give me the creeps!," Mack said. > Mike: For students who've been in this school for a long while, you think this was their FIRST visit. >They soon went to their homeroom. Crow: They are now IN their homeroom. Tom: They soon listen to the teacher about nothing important. Crow: They are now LISTENING to the teacher about nothing important. > No one noticed when a guy with brown >curly hair, blue eyes, eyeglasses, a collared shirt buttoned to the >top and corduroy pants went to the "Ghetto". Mike: A young Art Garfunkle visits Harlem. Crow: Ah, an unknown character described in detail... how important can he be? Tom: o/~ People don't you understand! Those special stu... o/~ Mike: We get it, Tom. >---------------------------------------------------------------------- >---------------------------------------------------------- >Homeroom lasted five minutes. [Tom simulates a schoolbell.] Mike: [teacher] Everybody take their seats! [Tom repeats the sound.] Mike: [teacher] Class dismissed! > Soon the bell rang for first period >class. Quinn had her admirers, Jeffy, Jamie and Joey, surrounding her. > Crow: Alright Quinn, we have you surrounded! Now tell us where the Fashion Club is going Friday Night! >"So, guys, do I look cute as ever?," Quinn gushed. > Tom: I say she's only at 87% cute today. Crow: Are you kidding? 62%, and that's being kind! >"Yeah, you do, Quinn!," Joey said. > >Jeffy and Jamie added their agreement to Joey's comment. > Mike: Then they filed an affidavit affirming their agreement to Joey's comment. >The guy with brown curly hair was leaving the "Ghetto". Tom: o/~ After homeroom in desperation, the young man breaks away. He grabs... o/~ Mike: Tom? Enough already. It's giving me a headache. > Jeffy saw him. > Mike: [Jeffy] Cool, walk-ins! I thought this show would never have those! >"Excuse us, Quinn," Jeffy said, "but it looks like that new kid in >town needs to be taught his place." > Tom: Pardon me, but when exactly did Quinn's dumber-than-dirt posse turn into sadistic bigoted terrorists? Mike: About five seconds after the plot demanded it. >The three boys left Quinn and went up to the stranger. > >"Hey, you!," Jeffy said. > Mike: [Jeffy] Get into my car! Crow: [Guy] Who me? Mike: [Jeffy] Yes, you! Get into my car! >The guy with the brown curly hair tried to just walk away. Jeffy, >Jamie and Joey then surrounded him. > Mike: I hate teamsters ganging up on you like that. Tom: Curse those inversely rhymed named people! >"Are you deaf, retart?," Joey said to him. > Crow: And if he was? Would they leave him alone then? Tom: Ah, the joys of pre-cooked pastries... Mike: That's "Pop Tarts," not "retarts". >"I don't like being called a 'retart,'" the guy with brown curly hair >finally spoke. > Tom: Especially because it's spelled wrong. Crow: But on the other hand, when you rearrange the letters you get "ratter". Mike: Meaning? Crow: [pause] Geez, Nelson, does *everything* have to have a meaning?!? >"We'll call you anything we want to!, Mike: [Jeffy] We'll call you Janet, even though we're nasty! > you fuckin' retart!" Jeffy said >as he seized him by the collar of his shirt and slammed him against >the lockers. > Tom: Next time on Oz... Crow: I would grammatically deconstruct that sentence, but Mike would yell at me. >"Please, I don't want to get into trouble on my first day!," the guy >with brown curly hair pleaded. > Crow: Yeah, at least wait until tomorrow! >"Listen up, retart!," Jamie said. Mike: [Jamie] You're supposed to be in the parking lot! The Dead Milkmen are taking you to the zoo in their bus! > "That wing you just left is called >'The Ghetto'! Crow: [Jamie] That means seven years of bad luck, ya hear? > You and all you other retarts are supposed to remain in >there! Tom: [Guy] Look, I was just passing through it to get to class faster, do you mind not jumping to such conclusions? > You're not allowed to go beyond there all day long! Crow: [Guy] Oh, I'm sorry I have freedom of movement! > That way, >you and your other retart friends don't pollute our school! Mike: Pollute? Is there a scientific explanation for this? Crow: They are known to emit CFCs? I think not! > Go back to >where you belong, retart!" > Mike: Great. It's the JJJ. Tom: Yep, they intimidate people by burning croissants in front of their houses. Crow: See, this is what I like about Pete's stories - the subtle and understated way he gives us hints about who the bad guys are. >"But I have a math class to go to now!," whined the guy with brown >curly hair in fear. > Tom: That's the most advanced case of mathophobia that I've ever seen! Crow: Y'know, maybe I'm wrong, but I think this guy just *may* have curly brown hair. Mike: Let's not jump to conclusions. >"Then we'll have to teach you the hard way!," Joey said. Tom: [Joey] Find the square root of 7 with an abacus! > Jeffy and >Jamie held him by the forearms as Joey began to sucker punch him in >the gut. > Mike: What happened to 'zero tolerance'? Crow: The assailants aren't holding chicken fingers... Tom: I know I'm supposed to feel sympathetic, but I just feel empty and kind of hungry. >"HELP! SOMEONE HELP ME!," the guy with brown curly hair yelled. > Crow: o/~ Oh where, oh where has my Underdog gone, oh where o where can he be... o/~ >Daria and Jane, Tom: ...crotch-kicking superheroines! > who were on their way to Mr. DeMartino's social >studies class, heard it. > Crow: Quick, to the Misery Chick-mobile! >"What the Hell's going on?," Daria said. > Mike: [Announcer] Reporting live from Pandemonium, this is Television of the Damned... >"It doesn't sound good," Jane said. > Tom: They need to lower the bass and increase the treble. Mike: Since when does a cry for help ever sound good? >Curiosity got the better of them and they went down to where they >heard the commotion. When they got there, they were shocked. > Mike: These lockers are green! I never noticed that before! >"Jeffy, Jamie, Joey," Tom: Justin! Jason! Jared! Mike: Jeremy! Jimmy! Johnny! Crow: Jaleel! Jasper! Jehosaphat! > Daria said, "what the Hell are you doing?" > Mike: [Announcer] The Potentate for Immoral Policing denied today rumors that he had failed to take a proffered bribe... >"We're teaching this retart his place, Misery Chick!," Joey said. Crow: By punching him senseless? I don't like this lesson. Tom: And shouldn't that be NEO Misery Chick? > He >then hit the guy with the brown curly hair right in the testicles. Mike: And with that, the official Guerin Nutkick Count is underway! Crow: [terrified] If the forces of evil have learned Guerin's finishing move, then what hope do any of us have? > He >let out a loud "AAAAAAAAAAAA!" > Crow: Um, why is Joey screaming if the 'guy with the brown curly hair' is getting beat up? Tom: It's an unspecified reference. I think he meant that the 'guy with the brown curly hair' was screaming. Crow: Oh. Mike: Personally, I'm wondering why Joey gets all the lines. >Jane then got a good look at who it was they were beating up. "Oh, my >god! Mike: He's full of stars! > It's David!," she gasped. > Crow: Well, that's easier to say than 'guy with the brown curly hair', for sure. >"You know this fuckin' retart, Janey Waney?," touted Joey. > Crow: Uh, Tom, can I get a definition for 'touted'? Tom: Publicize, and/or a bunch of stuff dealing with betting on horses. Mike: Janey Waney? Are these two an item? Crow: Only if that item is rotten and moldy. >"Yeah," yelled Jane, "he's my next door neighbor! All: Gasp! Mike: We're shocked! Shocked I say! Tom: I never saw it coming! > And I don't like >being called 'Janey Waney!'" Mike: But it rhymes and everything! Crow: Huh. Now David's going to think she was just mad about the nickname. Tom: Well, every little bit helps. > With that, she ran up to Joey and >broadsided him with a right hook. > Mike: Uh, probably a bad idea. Jane doesn't seem like an athletic type, and I'm pretty sure the three boys are. Crow: Still, every neighborhood relationship should be this thoughtful. Tom: Just so long as she doesn't ask David to return her lawnmower when all this is over. >Daria went up to Jeffy and Jamie and gave them a quick kick to their >testicles, sending them howling. [All sigh.] Mike: Two. Tom: Three. Crow: Actually, two at once is pretty darn impressive. Mike: She's Jean-Claude Van Daria. > David collapsed onto the floor and >cowered in fear. > Mike: At this point logic has just thrown up its arms and said "I just don't know..." Tom: Uh... wouldn't running away and/or getting to math class be a more appropriate reaction? >Jane sent Joey reeling with a left cross. Daria then sent Jeffy and >Jamie crashing to the floor with quick blows to their solar plexus, Tom: "Super Daria Lawndale Action" now available for Gamecube, Playstation 2, X-Box, Sega Dreamcast, PC and Mac. Mike: And Guerin tries something totally different and mentions a place OTHER than the area during the fight. Crow: Maybe that's just another name for area. >but not before Jeffy smacked Daria right between the eyes, breaking >her glasses in half. Tom: For this story the role Jeffy will be played by Ike Turner. Crow: Guerin-ism #59: Have Daria lose her glasses at one point. > The three of them then crawled away. > Crow: You haven't humiliated your enemies until they taste the floor wax as they retreat. >"Run away like the cowards you are!," shrieked Daria. Mike: But they're not running, they're crawling. Besides, I wouldn't be running either after being hit in the area. > She and Jane >turned to David. He was now crying. Daria now approached him. "It's OK >now," Daria said, embracing him and letting him cry on her shoulder; Tom: It all has to do with balance. Her nurturing mother side should cancel out her brutal street fighter side quite nicely. >"they won't bother you anymore." > Crow: [Daria] At least not until we leave. Then you're on your own again, so buck up. Mike: Yes, one fight is enough to keep them away forever. Tom: Okay, note to self: When facing a bully, give 'em a good kick to the crotch, and all your troubles will go away! >"Whoever you are, thank you," David said; "You're the first student I >ever met who gave a damn about me." Crow: And Jane is just what, liver and onions? Mike: No, Jane is just the sidekick. You know how it goes, they never get anything, not even acknowledgement. > He was sobbing uncontrollably now. Tom: [Jane] Told you he was sensitive. > >"I'm Daria Morgendorffer," Mike: Distant cousin of the great Dorf. > she said. "I guess you already know my >friend Jane Lane." > Mike: [David] *sniff* Well, I know enough not to call her "Janey Waney". Crow: *ahem* Tom: [David] Oh, right. I guess Daria is the SECOND student I ever met who gave a damn about me... >"Yes, I do, " David said. "I'm David MacAllister. I was going to my >math class when they began to harass me." > Mike: Not to be terribly pushy or anything, but isn't he rather late? >David then dried his eyes and took a good look at Daria. Mike: [David] Aren't the broken bits from the glasses hurting you? > "Did anyone >ever tell you that you look cute?," he said. > Tom: I see David seems to take the appropriate moment to start flirting. >Daria was dumbstruck by that. She began to blush. "Uh, actually, no," >she finally replied. With that, David suddenly French kissed her. Tom: The kind with tongue, or the kind where you kiss both cheeks? Crow: The world may never know... >Daria sprung back, more in shock than in anger. > Mike: [Daria] Ewwwww, cooties! Tom: Um, doesn't it require a certain amount of CONSENT on Daria's part for someone to get his tongue in her mouth?! Mike: Smile and nod, Tom. >"Did I tell you that David has never really gone out with girls?," >Jane said. > Tom: [Daria] Frankly, it shows. Here, let me and Jane show you how a French kiss is *supposed* to be done! Mike: I'd hate to see how he'd act when he feels a little more comfortable around them. >"Sorry!," pleaded David. > Mike: A synonym so nice he used it twice! >"That's OK," Daria said, "I guess you were carried away by the >emotional response. Crow: Emotional mood swings are common after being beaten up by bullies! > Just don't do that again, or I'll scratch your >eyes out." She added a grin to that, to let him know that she was just >kidding, so that he wouldn't freak out again. > Mike: And then she pulled her head off so that he would. >A crowd had heard all the commotion and gathered around the scene. Mike: What scene? Isn't it over? Tom: It's a belated-gathering. >Angela Li, the principal, managed to make her way through the crowd. > Crow: [Ms. Li] Great, I can sell footage of this to the WWF! >"Ms. Morgendorffer, Ms. Lane," Ms. Li began to say, "these three >students say you beat them up. Tom: Yep. Guys admit to getting thrashed by girls all the time. > Is that true?" She pointed right at >Jeffy, Jamie and Joey. > Crow: So Mike, when *you* were in high school, did the tough guys usually go running to the principal whining that a couple of girls had thrashed them? Mike: I think they'd have rather gargled with rusty razor blades in salt water. >"Ms. Li," Daria said, "David here was being attacked by those three. >We weren't going to just stand by and see him get beaten up to a >bloody pulp." > Mike: Aren't there any other witnesses? Tom: Nope, they only started to pay attention AFTER the French kiss. >"I want the three of you in my office right now!," she said. > Mike: Um, which three? There's six involved. Crow: Try not to get too involved with what story there is. >"Uh, oh! Now we're going to face the firing squad!," Jane said. Tom: [Daria] What are you talking about? I find one of the Sergeants very cute. > >"I hope they'll let us have a last meal first!," shot back Daria >sarcastically. Mike: [Daria] And maybe a cigarette too... anything but a menthol. Tom: She wants *school* food? Is she nuts? Crow: Tragically, they were denied their last meal, and were all shot in the gut and died horribly. The end. >---------------------------------------------------------------------- >---------------------------------------------------------- >At Ms. Li's office, everyone was given the opportunity to tell their >side of the story. Mike: They even submitted essays for it. > Jeffy, Jamie and Joey started by saying that David >had been bothering them by trying to hit up on Quinn. Tom: So it was just NATURAL that their response would be a beating? > David tried to >defend himself, but was silenced by Ms. Li. Crow: [Ms. Li] That Cone of Silence really comes in handy. > Daria and Jane then told >their side of the story, but to no avail it seemed. David was not even >given a chance to speak on his behalf. > Crow: Which contradicted the sentence "everyone was given the opportunity..." Tom: Brokedown Palace 2: Back to School. >"Well, I have reached a decision," Ms. Li said. Mike: [Ms. Li] Fries instead of the baked potato. As for you little snots, get the heck out of my office, alla yez! > "Ms. Morgendorffer, >Ms. Lane, Tom: [Ms. Li] Didn't you graduate three years ago? Why are you still here? > you will serve one period of detention during your scheduled >study hall for the next week. As for you, Mr. MacAllister, you will >serve two periods of detention over the next two weeks." > Crow: So popularity equals trustworthiness, Mike? Mike: Actually, it does. >"That's unfair, Ms. Li!," shot back David, Tom: Well, shooting at her won't help. > "I was the one who was >wronged! Why do I get the stiffest sentence Tom: Braggart. > while those who picked on >me are getting off scot free? Mike: It's called bureaucracy, kid. Deal with it. > You're doing this to me because I'm in >Special Education!" > Tom: Is it possible...?! Mike: A principal that has no knowledge of the ADA?! Crow: What's next, she's going to deny Title IX? >"Question my authority again and I'll give you a one week >suspension!," yelled Ms. Li. > Tom: [Cartman] Respect mah authori-tah! >"Ms. Li," Daria said, "David has a point. Mike: [Ms. Li] Do YOU want a one-week suspension? Tom: She questions authority! o/~ La la, LA-la la! o/~ > You're discriminating >against David because he has a disability that impairs his ability to >learn. Tom: [Ms. Li] Actually, I'm discriminating against anyone affiliated with you, Daria. That's a totally different thing! > There are anti-discrimination laws in this nation, you know." > Crow: Guerin-ism #445: Have at least one character completely disregard the American Constitution or any federal or state law, just for the heck of it! Tom: [Ms. Li] HA! That's a laugh! Next you're going to tell me I can't keep using Cuban slave labor instead of hiring a janitorial staff! >"Ms. Morgendorffer," Ms. Li began, "the one thing you have to learn is >that life is grossly unfair. Crow: [Daria] Hey, you're talkin' to the girl whose show gets bumped for every "Road Rules" and "Jackass" marathon - don't tell *me* life's unfair! > My decision stands! I expect you, Ms. >Lane and Mr. MacAllister to be in the detention room at fifth period. >That is all." With a wave of her hand, she ordered the students out of >her office. Tom: Ms. Li: Jedi Master. >---------------------------------------------------------------------- >---------------------------------------------------------- >Word of what happened spread like wildfire. Mike: And "Grease" was that word. > When Daria and Quinn >arrived at their home, Quinn couldn't resist blabbermouthing it to >their parents. > Tom: The Morgendorffers were shocked as her lips puffed up with several pounds of whale blubber... Mike: Wrong spelling. Tom: I'm justified. "Blabbermouthing" isn't an actual word. Crow: And "blubbermouthing" is? Tom: Silence! >"Hi, girls!," Jake chirped, [All make more birdie noises.] Tom: It's nice to see a mixed species marriage working so well. > "How was your first day back in school?" > Tom: [Daria] Oh, the usual, daddy. Did some schoolwork, made a few sarcastic remarks, kicked someone's crotch... Crow: [Jake] That's nice, Daria. And you, Quinn? >"Daria got into a fight and wound up in big trouble," Quinn said. > Mike: She's got to prop up the saw table in shop class for the rest of the semester. >"You little rat!," Daria said, Crow: I smell a big ditzy rat... > smacking Quinn in the back. "I wanted >to tell them myself!" > Tom: This random act of senseless violence and name-calling only serves to paint Daria as the more mature party in front of her parents, of course. >"Daria!," Helen shrieked. "How could you?" > Crow: [Daria] I bunched my fist up and thrust it into the guy's face. Pretty simple, really. >"Mom, Dad," Daria began to say, Tom: Then from there went into a ranting of biblical proportions! > "There was a new boy who's in Special >Education, and Quinn's admirers were beating him up. Crow: They couldn't stand seeing anybody more pathetic than them. > Jane and I >stopped him." > Tom: No, they stopped the attackers, not the new boy. She can't even get it right. >Jake took a good look at Daria. Mike: [Jake] Did anyone ever tell you that you look cute without your glasses? > "Where are your glasses?," he >demanded. > Mike: Why, he's right! Tom: It's a subtle thing, though. Don't feel bad for missing it. >Daria took the broken eyeglasses out of her backpack. "They got broken >when I was stopping the fight," she said. > Crow: Then how could she see all day? She needs those glasses! Mike: I bet we missed reading about a wacky, Mr. Magoo type escapade involving Daria. >Suddenly, the doorbell rang. > Tom: A shot rang out! Crow: A maid screamed! Mike: A pirate ship appeared on the horizon! >"I'll get it," Helen said. > Mike: [Helen] Oh, a landshark! Quinn! It's for you! >When she opened the door, there stood David, along with a woman with >black curly hair and a tall, portly gentleman with brown hair and a >mustache. > Crow: David's parents are Julia Louis Dreyfuss and Martin Mull? >"Mrs. Morgendorffer," said the gentleman, "I'm Warren MacAllister, >David's father. Mike: [Warren] You might recognize me from such memorable fanfics such as... no wait, this is my only fanfic. Curses! > This is his mother, Deanna MacAllister. Tom: [Warren] She said she sensed strong emotions here. > David here >said you oldest daughter saved him from some bullies." > Crow: How did David know Daria was in a family of more than one daughter? Tom: I'm wondering how they got her address. >Daria couldn't resist smiling to herself at that moment. > All: o/~ La la, LA-la la! o/~ >"Well, er, well I guess she did," Helen finally admitted. > >"Daria said that you're a very good lawyer," Mr. MacAllister >continued. Crow: I take it detention was one big "get-to-know-you" session. > "I was hoping you'd represent us when we file suit >against the parents of those boys who beat up our son." > Tom: Ah yes, the American way of life - sue sue SUE! >Helen was dumbstruck. > Crow: [Helen] I could be the next Johnny Cochrane! >"Oh, look there!," David said, "There's Daria's sister, Quinn!" > Mike: [David] Can I French kiss her too? >Quinn shrieked in embarrassment and ran upstairs. > Tom: Quinn doesn't want to admit her forbidden love for the special ed student... >"I can't stand geeks!," Quinn yelled as she shot out of sight. > Crow: Geekphobia is a tragic condition brought about by environmental factors... and it could happen to *you*! >"Why don't you come in?," Jake said, trying to cover the awkward >moment. Mike: At that point, the moment decided to stop practicing yoga, even if it was more interesting than the fanfic. > They did. > Tom: [Jake, sotto voce] I was hoping we could brush them off lightly. Thanks a lot, Quinn! >"I'm glad you raised your daughter to stand up for those who can't >defend themselves," Mrs. MacAllister said to Helen. Mike: [Helen] I raised my daughter? Oh, kidding, Daria! Kidding! > "David here has >been picked on a lot at every school he's been." > Crow: [Deanna] Even Vassar! >"What exactly is wrong with him?," Helen asked. > Tom: [Deanna, sarcastically] Well, according to your other daughter, he's a "geek". Hope that won't be a problem. Mike: So, they assume it's HIS problem, and not, say, the bullies? >"He's got what is called 'Attention Deficit Disorder,' or 'ADD' for >short," Tom: Ah. "Ferret Shock Syndrome." > Mrs. MacAllister continued; "It's that mental condition where >you suffer limited attention spans, Mike: Typical MTV viewer. > you don't comprehend directions >clearly, Crow: Typical male. > and sometimes you go into rather violent temper tantrums. Tom: Typical Mike Tyson. >We've got David on Ritalin, which has helped him somewhat. Crow: [Deanna] Especially with the money he gets from selling it to speed addicts. Mike: Yes, let's get *all* our kids doped up! > Because >everyone picks on him and because of his condition, he doesn't have >many friends." > Mike: Actually, that sounds more like ADHD, but I'm no expert. >Mrs. MacAllister went on, "What tears me is that David told me that >students like him are warehoused into one wing of the school and have >to stay there the whole day. Tom: Where we pass the savings along to *you*! > That's about as bad as the days where >African-Americans had to use separate bathrooms." > Tom: I'm trying to wrap my dome around that analogy, but it's just not working. Crow: Guerin-ism #798: Give everyone a history lesson over and over. >"Well," Helen said, "you could file a complaint with the Board of >Education or with the State Department of Education." > Tom: [Helen] Because it's an Education problem, you see. >"What good will that do?," Mr. MacAllister said. Mike: [Warren] Good-for-nothing bureaucrats can't tell the difference between a complaint and a compliment! > "They usually turn a >deaf ear to us. Crow: [shouting] DID HE SAY THEY BURN THE TOUGH PIER? Mike: [shouting] HUH? HOW WOULD THEY EARN ANY DUFF BEER! Tom: [shouting] WHAT'S THAT ABOUT ERNIE, CHUCK AND BEEZ? > Students like David are the low man on the totem >pole." > Tom: Special Ed students of the world UNITE! Crow: Guerin-ism #199: Politicians that are not main characters do diddly-squat, even in situations that require them to at least say something. >"Well," David said, "I'm going to change that." > Mike: [David] I'll need a string and a picture of Jessica Simpson! >"How?," Daria said. > Crow: [David] I'm going to build my own totem pole! And I'll sit at the very, very top! >"I heard during the morning announcements that there's a vacancy for >Student Government President. Mike: Well, there *was*, but since Al Haig seized control... > I figured that if someone like me was on >Student Government, Special Education students would have a voice in >student affairs that they don't have now. Tomorrow, I'm going to >announce my intention to run for that vacancy. Tom: On the Reform Party ticket. Mike: If a furniture stealing hick from Arkansas can get elected, there's nothing stopping Dave. > It's time people like >me stood up against those bullies who keep picking on us!" > Mike: David MacAllister for President! He'll get things done! Eventually! >Daria and the others were speechless. > Crow: Sadly, that wouldn't last. Tom: [Daria] Wow, he really is mental! >"David, are you serious?," Daria finally found the nerve to say. > Mike: [David] Sure! I even made a chant! "Go me go!" Well, it's in its early stages. >"I thought about this since this morning," David said. Tom: This campaign's got a long and noble history, indeed! Mike: According to my calculations, that's right about when he was putting his kidney back in. > "For too long >people like me have been persecuted because we're 'different' from >normal people. Crow: This is starting to sound like something out of "Revenge of the Nerds". Mike: Or the X-Men. > If we have someone like me on Student Government they'd >pay more attention to us. Mike: Just like people listen to Bob Dornan because he was elected. > From what I've heard from my fellow Special >Education students, the wing of the school that they call 'The >Ghetto' has been ignored for years. Tom: Get it? GET IT? Mike: Actually, nowadays schools spend more per student on special education kids than any others. These are the kids who don't do well in regular classes, so reintegrating them might not solve their problems. Crow: Um, Mike, it might be a good idea to cut down on the social commentary. >I've also heard horror stories about students like me getting beaten >up and threatened. Tom: It's not something that should be told at a campfire, lemme tell ya. > Do you know that no Special Education homeroom has >a representative on the House of Homeroom Representatives Mike: With its speaker, Skippy Gingrich. > or a member >on the Student Senate, Tom: [David] Or become a staff member of the White Chalkboard House? > or that the self-contained Special Education >students don't have the right to vote Mike: As with the other students because they're too young? > since technically they spend all >their time in one classroom and don't go to social studies class, >since you vote during that class?" > Mike: [Daria] Um, everything except the bit about the Senate. Now *that's* unfair! Tom: Okay, wait - wasn't he actually going to *another class* when he had his little dust-up with the Goonies? Crow: And not to be derogatory, but shouldn't he be working for institutional change, rather than altering one school? >Daria knew how Student Government worked in Lawndale. Tom: And in a moment or two, so shall we... > The Executive >Cabinet had the President, Vice-President, Secretary, Treasurer and >Historian. Tom: Secretary of the Interior... Mike: Postmaster General... Crow: Illustrious Potentate... > The School Congress was bicameral. Crow: Meaning that they only had two cameras in their storage department. > Its upper house was the >Student Senate. Mike: Or, if we go by the British parliamentary system, the House of Students. > Each class (which, of course, had its own President, >Vice-President, Secretary, Treasurer and Historian) Crow: Majority Leader... Tom: Chief Justice... Mike: Plus the Sun Jerk from "Misery Moosery Mammary Mongo". > had to send five >members selected by their class officers. Crow: Next they'll say it's important to have party affiliations. > The lower house was called >the House of Homeroom Representatives; Mike: It got flooded every spring. > each homeroom had to send one >representative so that he or she could report on Student Government >activities as well as debate on matters. Tom: Not to mention the Select Standing Committee on Graft. > The approval of both houses >was needed as well as the President's signature for all Student >Government actions. Mike: The President will also have to go on foreign trips to other schools to bring peace in the region. Tom: Yeah, I heard that after the great Lawndale/Highland football game there was bad blood between the two. Real shame. > There was even a Student's Court, Crow: Only instead of the "Nine Old Men", they've got the original cast of "21 Jump Street". > which was >designed as a "release valve" for student discontent over minor >matters that the administration deemed as not being of any >disciplinary consequence. Tom: Today! On "The Student's Court"! He says he took his lunch money. He said he was borrowing. Who's right? We'll find out in a moment! > Both parties had to agree to be bound by the >court's decisions, Crow: Then their pictures are taken by court photographer Robert Mapplethrope. > though matters of more grave concern could be >investigated by the administration if warranted. Mike: Gallant creates several offices so that the students can be introduced to the world of politics. Goofus creates a system that the Ancient Chinese would have considered to be overly bureaucratic. > The whole convoluted >system was Ms. Li's idea, Tom: Plus maybe just a little input from those Founding Father and Athenian Greek and Iroquois Confederacy guys, perhaps. > since, as she put it herself, "best mirrored >the working of our great democratic government." > Tom: So the Student Council's nothing more than a mirror of the US Government? Mike: I think they went too far when they authorized the sale of 300 Sophomore Class candy bars to Taiwan. Crow: It's like a mini-Washington... and it's too big to do any real good. >"Frankly, David," Daria said, "I wasn't aware of that." > Crow: Huh? Of which part? Tom: I lost track. Wanna go back and read it again? Crow: NO! I mean, why spoil one of life's last great mysteries? >"Then, don't you agree," David said, "it's time to change this?" > Mike: No, it's Mime Time. >"David, I don't want to burst your bubble," Daria said, Tom: [Daria] But POLITICS? Booooring! > "but this is a >classic 'David versus Goliath' confrontation you're setting yourself >up for. Mike: Yes, for millennia, the tragic fate of David has served as a harsh object lesson to those who would dare to challenge superior force. > First, in order to run, you have to file a petition, which >must have at least enough signatures equivalent to ten percent of the >entire student body. Tom: [David] We could say it's a petition to bring back a Los Angeles NFL team. Mike: [Warren] No deceptions! Tom: [David] Awww... > Right now, we have about 2500 students at >Lawndale High, and you're not well-known. Finding 250 people to sign >your petition will be an uphill battle. Tom: [David] I'll... Mike: [Warren] No threats! Tom: [David] Awww... > Then you'll have to put up >posters, engage in debates, make speeches, and so forth. Crow: And if something takes a lot of work, it's not worth doing! > Then, there's >the elections, and if you're lucky, you might get a couple of votes." > Mike: All for an essentially figurehead position. It *is* like American politics! Tom: Yeah, about the same number of people know the issues they're voting for... >"What are you saying?," David said. > Crow: I don't see what the problem is. It's not like he'll seem too sharp for the job. >"I don't want to break your heart," Tom: [Daria] But it's what I do best. > Daria said, " but Student >Government elections are noting but popularity contests, just like the >real-life political elections. Mike: Which is why we always have such alluring, personable candidates. Crow: Yeah, like Mr. Excitement, Mushmouth, and The Big Spoiler. > Do you notice they never focus on the >real issues in these elections? Crow: [Daria] Like the asbestos in the locker room that's directly linked to Kevin's decreasing intelligence? > They're going to want to choose >someone like Sandi or Brittany rather than someone like yourself." > Mike: In other words, someone who bounces perkily. Crow: This is obvious, but is mitigated by the fact that for Student Government there really aren't many issues a president can actually change. At least not unilaterally. >"That just proves how unfair the system is to people like me," David >shot back. Tom: Elect the unpopular now! > "If I'm elected, Tom: ...which won't happen because the system is unfair to people like you? Crow: I'm lost. Maybe if you drew us a diagram? > I'll change things for people like me. The >reason why I'm over here is because I wanted to ask you to be my >campaign manager." > Mike: [David] I don't care about finding someone who's more credible for the job! I'll just pick the Misery Chick here! >Daria sat there with her mouth open. Then her tongue stuck out in >shock. > All: ACK-PHHHHHHHT!!! >"Daria, that's a good impersonation of Michael Jordan you're doing >there," Jake said. > Mike: Yeah, I can - the hey?!? Tom: Well, I'm sure Air's stuck his tongue out. At some point. I guess. >"Jake, shut up!," said Helen. > Mike: Standard Jake reply in one... two... three... >"Yes, dear," replied Jake meekly. > Tom: I don't get it. Crow: Don't try. It hurts enough as it is. >"David," Daria said as she regained her composure, "I don't really >know you, and you're asking me to be your campaign manager?" > Crow: Well, she *is* cuter than James Carville. Mike: Yeah, and he can tell Daria knows when to "go negative". Tom: She runs someone's campaign! o/~ La la, LA-la la! o/~ >"Daria," David said, "you're the only one who can stand up to those >bullies. Crow: Then ask her to be a bodyguard! Sheesh... Mike: Yes, your reward for saving him from persecution is exposing both of you to even further harassment. > You've just got to be my campaign manager, please?" > Mike: Oh, he's so adorable when he whines! >"Daria," Helen said, "I think you owe it to him, since you did save >him from those bullies." > Tom: Wait, if SHE saved DAVID, then doesn't HE owe HER? Crow: [Daria] Mom, I'm not all that sure you really grasp the concept of karmic balance. Tom: But, but... Mike: Tom, remember our little talk about fanfic logic last week? Tom: "There is no place for logical thinking in fanfiction." Yeah, I remember... >"C'mon, Daria," Jake added, "it'll probably be a fun experience." > Tom: Just don't ask to see his cigar! >"OK, OK," Daria finally relented, "I'll be David's campaign manager." > Crow: [Daria] And I'll do his Math homework as an added bonus, what the hey... >"Oh, thank you, Daria," David said, going up to her and giving her a >big hug that shocked her. > Mike: Warning: Special Education students are more electrically charged than they appear. >"I can't breathe!," Daria gasped. > Crow: She's starting to look like one of those stress dolls. >David recoiled and said, "OOPS! Sorry!" > Crow: [David] Geez, so I can't French kiss, I can't hug... what CAN I do, then? >"Anyway," Helen said, "here's my card." She gave her business card to >Mr. MacAllister. Tom: [Helen] You use it to get out of jail free instead of losing a turn or having to roll a die. > "Call me tomorrow and we'll discuss your case." > Tom: [Helen] You'll have to wait till afternoon - I've got a 10 AM with Eminem's mother. Plus, I'm sure discussing it here, while we're all together, is a bad idea. >"We will," said Mr. MacAllister. He then turned to Daria and >said ,"Young lady, you are doing a very brave and very noble thing >here." > Crow: Being a campaign manager for an aspiring politician is very brave and noble? >"Then why do I have this creepy feeling that I will live to regret >it?," Daria replied. > Tom: [Helen] You *always* have that feeling, dear. Crow: [Daria] And I'm always right, aren't I? Mike: She's probably just connecting with the audience. >Mr. MacAllister responded, "Don't you doubt yourself. You will do >well. Tom: [Warren] I should know, I'm a political analyst for the New York Times. > Now, we'd better be going. It was nice meeting all of you." > Mike: Except Quinn, who thought he was Greek. Crow: You mean a geek? Mike: Uh, yeah. >Everyone exchanged farewells. Mike: I'll give two "goodbyes" for a "smell you later". Crow: What about a "ciao" for a "catch you on the flipside"? > The MacAllisters left the house. Quinn >came back down. > Tom: [Quinn] Have Fran Drescher, Alex Karras and Kevin Mitnick left, mommy? >"You missed all the fun," Daria said to Quinn sarcastically. > Crow: I dunno. Sitting in a room by yourself is pretty fun... >"What do you mean?," Quinn asked. > Mike: [Daria] We played Parcheesi and had hot toddies. It was a blast. >"I'm going to be David MacAllister's campaign manager for his run for >Student Government President," replied Daria. > Crow: [Quinn] Suuure. And I'm the Secretary of Defense. >"Lots of luck," sneered Quinn; "he's got as much chance at winning >that like the U. S. Soccer Team has at winning the World Cup: None!" > Crow: I don't know, that Mia Hamm's pretty good. Tom: But, but they DID win the World Cup! Mike: Tom? Logic... Tom: I know, I know... >"Quinn, you know it was your admirers who beat up David. You let Jane, >David and me take the rap for it. Aren't you ashamed of yourself?" > Tom: [Quinn] Huh? They were beating up someone? I was too busy being admired by other admirers to notice. >"Nope," shot back Quinn. Mike: With so much shooting, you think they would conserve ammunition and just pistol-whip their responses. > "I'll be enjoying myself in study hall while >you're in detention!" With that, she dashed back to her room. > Tom: She's categorizing her boy band CDs based on who's the cutest. Crow: Yeesh... Quinn's not that bad in the actual show, is she? Mike: No. >"I think I'll watch 'Sick Sad World' and see people more depraved than >Quinn," Crow: People more depraved than somebody enjoying herself in study hall? They'd never get that on the air! > Daria said to herself; "I need a good laugh." Mike: As do we all. Tom: Let's see if we can find one outside. [Mike picks up Tom, and the trio exits the theater.] [1 . . . 2 . . . 3 . . . 4 . . . 5 . . . 6 . . .] [The bridge doors open to reveal Mike busily assembling something on the counter. Tom and Crow enter moments later.] Tom: ...they come back from commercial, and Kid Rock and Pamela Lee are in the booth. So, the announcers invite them to do some play by play on the game. Crow: Good lord. Were they drunk? Tom: Kid Rock? Probably. I'm not sure about the announcers. Crow: Either. Hey Mike. Mike: Hey guys. Tom: So, the Dodgers are at the plate and Kid Rock starts... [The pair of robots halt abruptly. They slowly turn around and walk back towards Mike.] Crow: Mike? What are you doing? Mike: I'm just building another robot. Tom: Oh. [pause] AHHHHH!!!! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!! [The two bots dive out of view.] Mike: Relax, guys. I'm sure this one won't malfunction and try and kill everyone. [softly] Unlike the last few. Crow: [poking his head back into view] Are you sure? Mike: Yeah. Reasonably sure. Crow: I guess that I'll take your word for it. What the heck. I haven't risked my life in ten or twelve minutes now. Tom: [O.S.] Your funeral, Crow. I'll be in my room. With my doors locked. And barricaded. And with traps set. Mike: Sure Tom. You do that. [to Crow] You see, Crow, I wanted to test a hypothesis from today's story. See, in a lot of stories, whenever a new character is introduced, they're instantly accepted by the rest of the cast and usually fall head over heels in love with someone... Crow: Just like in today's story. Mike: Right! [Mike attaches a head to the robot.] Mike: So, I've built Scooter here... Crow: Scooter? Mike: The Muppet Show was on while I was building him. Crow: Ah. Mike: Anyway, Scooter here will help demonstrate the veracity of this theory. And here we go... [Mike steps back and gestures at Scooter with a flourish. Moments pass. Then moments more. Crow looks around the bridge.] Crow: I don't think that anything's happening. Mike: Maybe it just needs more time. [They wait.] Mike: I guess that's enough time. So, have you accepted Scooter as a member of our crew yet? Crow: No. I still kinda think it looks like a brightly colored paperweight. Mike: Oh. Well, maybe the love thing comes first. Hey, Gyps? Can you come in here? [Gypsy enters.] Gypsy: Whatcha want, Mike? Mike: Hey! Look at this! [Mike gestures at Scooter.] Gypsy: Nice, Mike. Look, "Samurai Jack" is on, so I'll leave you and the fire extinguisher/lava lamp thing alone, 'kay? [Gypsy exits.] Mike: Huh. Crow: I guess the theory is wrong. Mike: I guess. [Mike leans in and stares intensely at Scooter. Then he stands up and grins sheepishly.] Mike: Whoops. Crow: Whoops? Mike: Forgot to turn him on. [Mike reaches behind Scooter and flips a switch. Scooter flares to life.] Scooter: ACTIVATING... [Scooter begins to flail his arms around wildly.] Scooter: CRUSH! KILL! DESTROY! CRUSH! KILL! DESTROY! [Scooter quickly charges off screen. The sounds of mass destruction follow from off screen.] Crow: Whoops. Mike: Whoops. Back to the drawing board. Crow: Yep. [The sound of tearing metal is heard from off screen.] Tom: [O.S.] AHHHHH!!!!!! Crow: Wow. It tore through that barricade like it wasn't even there. Mike: At least I build them well. [The signal light on the console begins to flash. More crashes can be heard off screen.] Tom: [O.S.] GET AWAY FROM THOSE! AHHH!!!! MY RODDY MCDOWELL COMMEMORATIVE BRIEFS!!! Mike: I suppose I oughta hit the Guerin sign. Crow: Might as well. [Mike shrugs and taps the lights. The door sequence begins as the sounds of destruction are heard in the background.] [6 . . . 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . ] [Crow and Mike enter and sit. Tom enters after a moment. Mike helps him to his seat.] Crow: So, did you meet Scooter? Tom: Shut up. Mike: Did he do much damage? Tom: No, thankfully, I had that flamethrower. It took care of him. >---------------------------------------------------------------------- >---------------------------------------------------------- >Chapter 2: Our Man On the Campaign Trail Crow: It's Hunter S. Thompson's "Fear and Loathing in Lawndale." >---------------------------------------------------------------------- >---------------------------------------------------------- >Daria and Jane were going down the street to school the next morning. > Crow: It's like their lives haven't changed at all! >"So, how did your parents react to what happened yesterday?," Jane >asked. > Tom: [Daria] Well, dad left muttering something about disinheritance and the orphanage, so it went better than usual. >"Well," Daria began, "after the MacAllisters paid a surprise visit to >us, Mike: [Daria] By the way, were you the one who gave David my address? > Mom and Dad said I did the right thing and that Mom's going to >fight the detention that you, David and me got. Crow: [Daria] I hope you've got the $10,000 to cover her retainer. Mike: Of course, by the time the suit makes its way through court, Daria'll be in grad school. > Not only that, David >wants me to be his campaign manager for his bid to become Student >Government President." > >"You're kidding!," Jane said in shock. > Mike: [Jane] I thought he was hiring Dick Morris! >"Nope, I'm afraid not," Daria said. > >"You know, I think he's developing a crush on you," Jane said. > Crow: You think the French kiss tipped her off? >"Jane," Daria shot back, "you know I'm in love with Trent!" > Crow: I wonder where Tom Sloan is? Mike: He probably slipped Pete a twenty to keep him out of this story. >"So, I'm madly in love with Jesse," Jane said, "but I love a lot of >other guys as well." > Tom: [Jane] Come on, try having affairs with several people! It's really neat! Crow: [Jane] And that doesn't even include all of the girls! Woo! >When they got to the grounds of the school, they were surprised to see >David standing on top of a cardboard box, Mike: Seems kind of flimsy. I miss the good old days of soap boxes. Tom: Don't we all. But don't you see - they're silencing us! It's all part of the *conspiracy!* Crow: I kind of doubt we'll see an X-Files crossover now, Tom. Hey, we probably won't even see the Lone Gunmen. > with a knot of other Special >Education students huddled around him. > Tom: [David] Step right up, folks! Step right up and take your guess at where the ball is! One signature on my petition for a play! Step right up here! Mike: Poor kid... can't even afford a real soapbox... *sniff* >"What's this all about?," Daria said to Jane. > Mike: Looks like David is setting up things alright without the aid of his campaign manager, hmmm? >"Who knows," Jane replied, "but when I went on my morning run, I did >notice he was setting something up." > Tom: It took a long, long time to get that cardboard box positioned *just* right. >They drew nearer, and then saw what was happening: David was giving a >speech announcing that he was throwing his hat into the ring. > Mike: Eddie Rickenbacker would be proud. >"My fellow Special Education students," he began, Tom: [David] Lend me your Ritalin! > "we have endured the >yoke of bondage for far too long. Crow: [David] I am sick of being cast in Madonna videos! > We have been herded into the >'Ghetto' and kept segregated from the rest of the school against our >will. Tom: [random student] Against our will? I thought this was part of our normal schedule! What gives? > The other students keep picking on us. Mike: So ending the separation just gives them a better shot. > The administration keeps >turning a deaf ear to our pleas. Tom: [David] If I'm elected, *I'll* be the one turning that deaf ear! > When trouble occurs, we get blamed >for it and then get stiffer punishments than if it was done by the >normal students. Crow: [David] If I'm elected, I'll give stiffer punishments to the normal students! HA! > My friends, it's time to end this prejudice. Mike: [David] I mean, c'mon! It's already a quarter past ten! >Therefore, I've decided to enter the race for Student Government >President. Crow: [David] Before you start snickering, listen for a moment... > If I'm elected, I will push to have Special Education >students have permanent representation in Student Government so we can >finally have a meaningful voice in school affairs. Tom: The same way Miss America has a say in foreign policy. > Once we have that >voice, we will no longer be ignored by the rest of the school. Tom: [David] No matter how stupid our demands will be! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! >Therefore, I want all of you to sign my petition. Crow: [David] It's to get the Game Show Network added to basic cable. > I need at least 250 >signatures so I can submit it to the general office by the deadline >this Friday. Mike: [David] Of course, I need 1,000 to get on the ballot, but hey, you have to walk before you can run! > We can make a difference! Join me in my noble crusade!" > Crow: Unfortunately, David was being literal, and six weeks later the Lawndale High Students found themselves in the Holy Land, facing down Saladin's army. >There was thunderous applause. Then the students began lining up to >sign the petition. > Tom: [David] That's it... that's all you have to sign... that and your SOUL! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! >David saw Daria and Jane. > Crow: He was instantly jealous. Tom: Don't make this a slash fic, Crow. Please. >"Ladies and gentlemen, please meet my campaign manager, Daria >Morgendorffer!," he said. They surrounded her and Jane. > Crow: [chanting] Gooble gobble, gooble gobble, one of us, one of us! Tom: She's surrounded by political activists! o/~ La la, LA-la la! o/~ >"Oh, boy, we're in for it now!," Jane said. > Mike: No doubt they all wanna French kiss Daria. >Suddenly, Quinn and the rest of the Fashion Club arrived, with Sandi, >the club president, leading the way. > Crow: It's Sandi Rock and the Fashion-Happy Heathers of Easy Company! >"Oh, look at all those loser retarts!," Sandi said. > Mike: o/~ Where do they all come from? All the loser retarts. Where do they all belong? o/~ >"And who's the guy with them?," Stacy, the club secretary said. > Tom: [Quinn] It looks like Ken Griffey, Jr. But why? >"That's that David MacAllister geek, the one who's running for Student >Government President," Quinn replied. > Mike: [Quinn] He claims to have invented the internet. >"I'll handle this, Quinn!," Sandi said. She approached the crowd. > Tom: [Sandi] Watch me alienate a part of the school with one single laugh! >"Hey, listen up, you dumb retarts," Sandi began, "you're just wasting >your time! David MacAllister is not going to win. And you want to know >why? Mike: [Sandi] Because he doesn't go to this school! He's supposed to be over at McKinley! > Because I'm going to win! I'm also going to enter the race for >Student Government President." > Crow: Yeah, because we all know how popular mean-spirited fashion snobs are. Tom: [Sandi] So tell your friends to vote for me, losers! >Some of the Special Education students began to cower; Crow: For they had seen Sandi's Nazgul hordes approaching. > others were >angry that she used the word "retart". > Mike: For even they knew the correct spelling and pronunciation of the word. Tom: Still others were upset that the promised crossover story with "Charmed" hadn't materialized. >"Do not be afraid of her," David said, "for we have God, might and >right on our side!" > Crow: They're supported by Clapton, Evander Holyfield, and Rush Limbaugh? >"Like, what will all that do for you?," Sandi replied, Tom: You get the moral high ground. Crow: You can move heavy things. Mike: Plus, if someone bugs you, you can have 'em smited with a plague of frogs. > "I've got good >looks, popularity and good fashion sense on my side. Crow: So in other words, she'll be trailed by geeky boys. Mike: She'll have lots of fake, shallow hangers-on. Tom: And she'll have to buy a whole new wardrobe every four weeks. > So long, losers!" Tom: [Sandi] And remember, vote for me! Oh wait, you can't vote. Never mind. > >The Fashion Club left without any further comment. > Mike: For they'd lost their remaining pages of dialogue. >"That Sandi has hit a new low," Daria said in dismay. > Crow: She's still nicer than McCain though. >"If she was any more stuck-up, we'd have to use Draino on her," Jane >replied. > Tom: So she's all hair and gunk? Crow: Actually, that's pretty close. >"I'm afraid not even that would change her personality," said Daria >resignedly. > Mike: It might kill her, though. >They now approached David. > Tom: [quietly] They must be careful not to startle the young cub, lest it go into its fearsome whimper mode of attack... Crow: Is this a story or a play-by-play commentary? >"I have to admit," Daria said, "that was pretty brave of you standing >up to Sandi and the rest of the Fashion Club like you did." > Mike: [David] Hey, this calls for a French kiss! >"It won't be the last time I'll run into opposition like that during >this campaign," David confessed. Tom: Bless me, Father Daria. > "I'm probably going to get a lot of >grief before this is over." > Crow: It's an election, Charlie Brown! Tom: Good grief! Mike: Ooh! Foreshadowing! >They now headed into the school building. Just how much grief David >was going to face was not yet known, but would soon manifest itself >rather brutally. Mike: Yes, soon the grief that was not yet known to be existing would be found available there for all of them. Crow: Oh, sure - kill the suspense! Tom: But at least we've got brutality to look forward to! >---------------------------------------------------------------------- >---------------------------------------------------------- >According to the campaign rules, candidates had to have a table set up >and ask for people to sign their nominating petition during their free >time. Tom: Wandering the halls aimlessly and throwing yourself at random passersby was no longer allowed. Crow: Boy! All it takes is one irresponsible person to screw it up for the rest of us! > Of course, having been hit with detention, David was not going >to have any free time. Tom: Even before or after school? How about lunch? > However, that was about to change. > Mike: Bwahahahahaha? >Daria, David and Jane all had second period free. Tom: But - but - but he just said... Crow: You're obsessing again, Tom. Tom: But he contradicted himself within *two* *frigging* *sentences*!!! He can't - how - why... Mike: Don't do it, honey - just relax and breathe deeply, okay? > They both had two >free periods this day, but David had to use up both of his for his >detention time, while Daria and Jane had to use only one. Tom: ==INTENSE== **SCHEDULING** ##INACTION##! Crow: They can decide which period to take the detention? What? > They decided >to use the earlier of the two so that at least they could begin to get >some signatures going for David. > Mike: David MacAllister for President! He may be serving time, but who isn't nowadays? >The three of them were going to the detention room when they saw a >rather unusual sight. Crow: Why is Kevin running around in his underwear? Tom: Must be the beginning of the football season. > Ms. Li was standing at the door, with what >looked like a bailiff from the City Court presenting papers to her. > Crow: Richard Moll makes a very special guest appearance. >"Ms. Li," the bailiff said, "I have here a temporary injunction >against yourself and this school preventing you from carrying out the >detention against Ms. Daria Morgendorffer, Ms. Jane Lane and Mr. David >MacAllister." > [All snicker.] Tom: [Bailiff] Also, here's a court order preventing the Fashion Club from making fun of people who mix checks and stripes. >"WHAT!," Ms. Li roared; Tom: Quick! Start up 'Dark Side of the Moon'! Mike: [Bailiff, sighing] I... HAVE A... TEMPORARY... INJUNCTION... Crow: [Ms. Li] Shucks, I thought my somewhat controversial sentencing would go unnoticed! What is with this country? These stupid rules... > "On whose authority is this being done?" > Tom: MTV. >"It was so ordered by the judge at the request of the student's >attorney, Mrs. Helen Morgendorffer," said the bailiff. "If you try to >defy this injunction, you will be held in contempt of court, and you >will go to jail." > Crow: You will go directly to jail. Mike: You will *not* pass "Go". Tom: You will *not* collect $200. >"And how long will this temporary injunction last?," Ms. Li wanted to >know. > Crow: Until the fanfic is over, or until the plot spirals out of control to the point where not even the author knows what he's talking about. Whichever one comes first. >"Until the matter is decided in court," said the bailiff, now >presenting a summons to Ms. Li asking her to be in court in a civil >suit against the school for violating the civil rights of Daria, Jane >and David. Mike: Guerin-ism #501: If possible, discuss the possibility of suing someone, and, if possible, do so. > "You are also hereby summoned to appear in court in this >matter. If you do not show up, you will be held in contempt of court." > Tom: You'll also have to talk to Doug Llewllyen on your way out. >"I'm not saying another word!," Crow: Well, that's one character down... Tom: Several dozen more to go. > Ms. Li said; "I'm referring this >matter to the school district's attorney!" > Mike: Wow! She's about to bring in a nameless legal character of her own! Crow: That was 9 more words. Tom: Shh! >"As you wish," the bailiff said. Crow: Ahhh! It's the Dread Pirate Wesley! > "Have a nice day." > Tom: It's the little touches that make the bailiff so likeable. Mike: I think there must be some sick, twisted irony the cops enjoy every time they say that. >The bailiff left and Ms. Li went to the three students. > Tom: [Ms. Li] You saw the way that bailiff was looking at me! I need a witness! >"You may have won this round," Ms. Li hissed, Crow: The part of Ms. Li will be played by Kaa. > "but you haven't won the >entire fight yet! Tom: [Ali] I want Joe Frazier! I want Joe Frazier! Mike: [Daria] Hey, you're not supposed to say another word! Bailiff! > It looks like I have no choice but to suspend your >punishment until this matter is resolved. But I'll be watching you >three like a hawk!" > Mike: Then why is she hissing? Is she some sort of mutant hawk-snake? Tom: [Ms. Li] And once I have enough evidence, I'll peck your eyes out and feed you to my offspring! >With that, Ms. Li left with a huff. > Crow: Brian Huff, who was there selling sub-grade lunch meat. >"Lucky break for us," Daria said. "Perhaps this is one of the times I >should go to Mom and tell her how much I love her." > Mike: [Daria] Of course, every time I do that, she always tells me "You're not getting my Bud Light." >"Don't kid yourself, Daria," Jane said; "you're just hanging there >until you go to college." > Tom: [Daria] If you have a better idea on how I should be self- sufficient I'd like to hear it. >"Maybe you're right," Daria said, "but right now Mom's on top of my >world." > Crow: And she's looking down on creation. Tom: Well, it's the only explanation *I* can find. >"So, what are we waiting for?," David said, "Let's get the petition >drive going!" > Mike: No, please stay! I want to hear more of this scintillating conversation! >With that, the three of them decided to set up their table and get the >petitions going. Crow: As previously indicated. Mike: [tapping his watch, if he had any] I'm still waiting for something to happen. When are the Sailor Scouts going to show up? Where are the Gunsmith Cats? Beavis and Butthead? Heck, give us a crude and lame fart joke. Just... SOMETHING! >---------------------------------------------------------------------- >---------------------------------------------------------- >It was now their second free period, and so far Daria, Jane and David >had only gotten twelve signatures on the petition. > Tom: Hey, impressive. I heard that's more people than who voted for Alan Keyes. >"Man, at this rate I won't get 250 signatures before the deadline!," >moaned David. > Mike: [David] Oh, why couldn't I just stick with only the lawsuit? This is more boring than a vote recount! >"Don't give up hope just yet," Jane said. > >"I bet that's what Leonardo DiCaprio's character told Kate Winslet's >just before the 'Titanic' finally went down for the last time," >sneered Daria. > Mike: And in the sequel, he and Kate meet on the Hindenberg! Crow: She dampens Jane and David's hopes! o/~ La la, LA-la la! o/~ >Just then, a boy that David knew--who had Down's Syndrome and was in >his resource class--went up to the table. > Mike: [boy] Hi, could you tell me where they're selling tickets for the high school dance next week? >"Hi, David," the boy said. > >"Hey, Andrew, what's up?," David said. > Crow: Whazzup! >"I want to sign the petition," Andrew said. > >"Sure, go right ahead," David said. > Tom: Couldn't they use another verb there? That's four in a row! >Andrew took up a pen and signed his name on the petition. > Tom: Man! The bone-blistering action just never stops! Mike: There! Now Fat George can read it without his glasses! >"Thanks a lot, Andrew," David said. "By the way, this is my campaign >manager, Daria Morgendorffer, and her friend, Jane Lane." > Tom: [David] Don't French kiss them. Or big hug them. They're not very enthusiastic. >"Nice to meet you, Daria, Jane," Andrew said. > >"Same here," Daria said. > Tom: Okay, that's seven in a row now! Stated, suggested, added, mentioned, declared! Use one! >"I'll see you later, Andrew," David said as Andrew went down the hall. > Tom: ARRRRRGGGGHHHH!!!! Crow: [Andrew] Look, I just signed the petition, I didn't ask to be included in your stupid mailing list! >Unbeknownst to anyone, some players on the Lawndale Lions football >team has seen Andrew sign the petition. Tom: Well, la-di-da about them. People see people do lots of things. > Sandi had asked them to keep >an eye on the petition tables and take any action necessary to stop >anyone who would sign David's petition. Mike: So far, they had glared at three kids, beaten four more up, bought ice cream for 18 others, and bombed Cambodia twice. > So far, they managed to scare >some Special Education students away from the petition area, and now >they were going to teach Andrew a lesson. > Crow: [grimly] A lesson ... IN TRIGONOMETRY! Mike: Wouldn't it have been more efficient if they'd stopped him from signing in the first place? >They now got up to him and surrounded him. > Crow: Beating him up won't erase his name from the petition, dickweeds. >"Hey, retart!," one hulking guy said, "did you just sign that retart >David MacAllister's petition?" > Tom: [Andrew] No, your eyes were deceiving you. It was actually my other personality, Sparky, who signed the petition... [sighing] what DID you think? >"Yes, I did," Andrew said. Mike: Would you sign ours too? We're trying to get Mayor McCheese recalled. > "Is it any of your business?" > Crow: [player] As a matter of fact, we represent Nike's Fountain Pen division, and we want to offer you an endorsement deal. >"It is to us!," said another player. "We don't retarts like you and >David on our Student Government!" > >"Maybe you're the ones with the problem and not me!," said Andrew. > Tom: [Andrew] So stick THAT in your jockstrap and burn it! >"We don't take sass from retarts like you!," said the first football >player. Tom: "Sass"? Mike: Ladies and gentlemen, your Lawndale High Fighting Grandmas! > "Now we're going to teach you a lesson you won't ever forget!" > Mike: By beating him up? I don't get it. It doesn't change anything. Tom: These are bullies, Mike. They think their fist answers all of life's problems. TV's broken? BAP! Conflict with other family? WHACK! Need to crack a walnut? KA-PLOW! That's all there is to it. >They now grabbed him and began to hit him. Daria, Jane and David saw >them throw frightening punches into him. > Crow: No more friendly, endearing punches. We're escalating! Mike: Why couldn't this have been Adam Sandler instead? Tom: After a while, they realized the Judys would be more effective at frightening him into submission. >"We've got to help him!," David said. > Tom: [whimpers] Make it stop! >"We got lucky yesterday," Daria said; "We'll push our luck if we >interfere now!" > Crow: And Andrew will be disqualified and they'll retain the tag team belts! Mike: You've got those super-martial arts powers - use 'em! Tom: Come on, you know you wanna kick their crotches! >"But he's getting beaten up!," David yelled. > Crow: [Daria] *sigh* Fine, I'll go kick them in their crotches, but I'm *really* trying to cut back on this, okay?!? >Suddenly, one of the football players felt someone tap him on the >shoulder. He turned around and saw someone punch him out cold. > Tom: Proof of out-of-body experiences! Call James Randi! Mike: Boy, what a lucky time to have an out-of-body experience. Crow: Out-of-body experiences can strike without warning. >"It's not nice to pick on someone like him!," said a rather familiar >voice. > Tom: It's the Hawaiian Punch mascot! And he's out for blood!! AIIIEEE!! >Daria knew that voice rather well. Mike: It kept telling her what she did last summer. > It was none other than Andrea, the >school's Goth girl. Crow: 'Cause they only had one. > She now stepped out of the shadows and lunged >right for the others. > Tom: [football player] Run! She'll get black lipstick on us! >"C'mon, I dare you to fight me!," Andrea yelled at the others. > Mike: [Andrea] I don't have a crotch to kick, so I'll be MORE than you bargained for! >The other football players suddenly got chicken and ran away; Crow: KFC's new lunchroom drive-thru was a rousing success! > seeing >one of their own get punched out stone cold was convincing enough. > Tom: Stone Cold Andrea Austin? Mike: [random football player] She can sucker punch someone! RUN! Crow: They really need to go to those seminars Tom Cruise held in "Magnolia". >"Hey, Andrew, you all right?," Andrea said. > >"Yeah, Andrea, I'm OK," Andrew said. > Tom: "Andrew" and "Andrea"? Uh-oh. Mike: Undisclosed familial relationship off the port bow, cap'n! >Daria, Jane and David were surprised that Andrea knew this person. Crow: Andrea being the only person in school who makes Daria look like a social butterfly. >They went up to them. > Mike: They walk across the room! o/~ La la, LA-la la! o/~ >"Andrea, you know this person?," Daria said. > Crow: [Andrea] Yes. Are you surprised? Mike: It *is* good that they see him as a person, but they *could* use his name a little more often. >"Yeah," Andrea replied; "he's my brother." > Tom: So, do you know him or not? >"I didn't knew you had a brother," Jane said. > Mike: [Andrea] Well, until my agent met with a Mr. Guerin, neither did I. >"Well, most people don't bother to ask, since he's mostly in the >'Ghetto'," Andrea said. "I look out for him all the time." > Mike: [Andrea] Except when I'm not in the ghetto, which is most of the time. >"Funny," Daria began to think, Tom: Then she decided to stop thinking and just coast. > "Andrea's not ashamed to admit that >Andrew's her own brother while Quinn's embarrassed to acknowledge me >as her sister. What a weird world." > Tom: Yes, odd world when we try to compare apples to oranges, or the New York Rangers to the New York Yankees. Crow: Yes, odd how an unpopular kid can admit some things and a popular one can't. Who'd have thunk it? >Suddenly, a crowd had gathered. It was mainly Special Education >students from the 'Ghetto'. > Mike: And the Harlem Globetrotters were there too. Tom: Suddenly? What, did they all run in there at once? >"Are they gone, Andrea?," one of them asked. > Crow: [motherly] Don't worry, the dumb jocks won't bother you anymore! >"Yeah, the coast is clear," Andrea answered them. > Mike: [Andrea] Except for the wreck of the Argo over there, by the screaming Argonauts. Jason didn't make it, I'm afraid. >"You mean to tell me you knew this was going on?," Daria said. > >"Well, after a few students told me that there was some football >players menacing them, I decided to take some action," Andrea said; Crow: [Andrea] But not after letting my bro risk himself first! Ain't that right, bait, er, bro? >"It looks like it worked. Now you'll get your signatures, David. And, >by the way, perhaps you want to take me on as your security chief? > Tom: Yes, hulking football players will run in terror when confronted by Gilly and Walden! >"Sure, why not?," David replied. Mike: Because it's contrived and ridiculous and out of character? > They shook hands. > Tom: [David] It was either you or Jerry Doyle, but you can actually kick butt, so I'm convinced! >Now they began to line up and sign the petition. By the time the >period was over, David had about three hundred signatures, more than >enough to be placed on the ballot. Crow: Unfortunately, 285 of those came from Upchuck, who kept stopping by to hit on Daria. > Now it was a matter of handing it >in to the general office. Mike: What further diabolical ideas does Sandi have in store on their trip to the office? Tune in and find out! Crow: Besides, he's perpetuating the myth that anyone who dresses in black and listens to Marilyn Manson is a goth. Most goths are as obsessed with style as the Fashion club and they loathe Manson. Tom: And that's One To Grow On! [A star with a rainbow trailing it flashes across the screen.] Crow: Thanks Cambot! >---------------------------------------------------------------------- >---------------------------------------------------------- >News of the football players' actions soon reached Mack, who was >captain of the team, as well as Kevin Thompson, the star quarterback. Tom: Soon afterwards it reached other people, such as Jackie Chan... Mike: Queen Latifah... Crow: F. Lee Bailey... Mike: Jeff Gordon... Crow: Leah Rehmini... Tom: Garrett Morris... >They, along with Kevin's girlfriend, head cheerleader Brittany Taylor, >were at the cafeteria when the word came. Crow: I feel like I'm reading the stage directions for an Ed Wood film. > Suddenly, the coach of the >team ran in, and asked for Mack and Kevin. > Mike: [Coach] Mack! Kevin! The dam has burst! Run for your lives! >"I've just heard that some of the players were seen beating up on a >Special Education student who was signing David MacAllister's petition >to run for Student Government President!," the coach said to Mack. >"Did either you or Kevin sanction this?" > Crow: [Kevin] Is that like the hunchback dude in that Disney film? He was cool! >"I'd never tell the players on my team to do any sort of hooliganism >like that!," Mack defended himself. > Mike: [Coach] What about the European match between Manchester United and Liverpool? Tom: [Mack] Uhhhh... look, I was going to drink that Molotov cocktail that slipped from my fingers. Honest! >"Gee, this is the first I'm hearing of this, Coach!," Kevin said. > Mike: [Coach] Well, I trust you completely, so I'll just rant about it some more. >"There were some eyewitnesses, and they said that they saw who did it. >It was the entire defensive backfield!," Crow: Ray Lewis, how could you? > the coach continued. "If you >didn't order them to do this, who did?" > Crow: Michael Irvin? Tom: [Kevin] It was the little men in the saucer, coach! We gotta line our helmets with tinfoil or we're doomed! >"Beats me, Coach!," Mack said. > >"I already knew who did it, I want to know who ordered it!," the coach >said; Tom: Is he sure they were ordered to do this? Mike: [Coach] My players? Free will? What's that? > "I'm already benching them for the opening game this Saturday; >I'll kick them off the team unless I know who ordered them to beat up >that kid! Mike: I take it a simple suspension is not needed in this school bureaucracy. > You're my two best players, Tom: ...which speaks volumes about the quality of Lawndale High's sports programs. > so I want you to get to the >bottom of this! Is that understood?" > Mike: [guffaw] Nice to know football prowess equals investigative acumen. Crow: This fall on NBC - "Marino and Montana - PI's"! >"Yes, Coach!," said both Mack and Kevin. > Mike: [Coach] And don't call me Chief - oh, wait, you didn't. >"Good!," the coach said; "I want the name of that person by the end of >the day Friday, or there will be no defensive backfield at Saturday's >game!" Crow: [Coach] I'm sure the other team will be happy to play without their backfield, too. After all, fair's fair, right? > The coach then left. > Mike: Having fulfilled his plot-advancing duties. Tom: The coach was quickly fired and replaced by someone more committed to the game. >Brittany now approached Mack and Kevin, staring into space and >twirling her hair. > Crow: [Kevin] Oh, great. She's channeling again. Mack, get ready to meet Xanthar. >"Oh, Kevin!," Brittany said, "What was that all about?" > Tom: [Kevin] You saw nothing! Nothing, I tells ya! Crow: [Brittany] But there's this big, bone shaped thing hovering above us! >"Apparently, someone told the defensive backfield to beat up on some >Special Education student who signed David MacAllister's petition to >run for Student Government President!," Kevin replied. > Mike: I'm betting it was Pat Buchanan. Crow: Wow! He remembered all that for a record time! Tom: I think we're all rather proud of our Kevvy right now. >"Now the coach wants to know who ordered them to do it, or they'll be >kicked off the team!," Mack added. > Tom: [Mack] Which means we forfeit the game. Woo hoo! Free time off! >"Oh, that poor David boy!," Brittany squealed; Mike: Actually it was Andrew who was beaten up. > "What exactly is wrong >with him?" > Tom: He's just badly written. >"Gee, I wish I knew, Cupcake!," Kevin said. > Tom: He's talking to pastries now? Crow: Next he'll be talking to pizza dough. >"It's because of ignorance like that is why people like David get >persecuted," Mack said. "My father told me about how my grandfather >had to fight racial prejudice in his day. He fought long and he fought >hard, but he began to change those attitudes. Crow; [Mack] And in 1997, he finally succeeded. Tom: Now are you gonna start being more loving and tolerant, or do I hafta muss you up some more? > Prejudice against the >mentally challenged like David is kind of the same way. All David is >asking for is a chance to be a part of society, to be treated like a >human being." > Crow: Why, David, why? Humans don't get very good treatment. Tom: Yeah, they get knocked down, talked about, spat on, and generally shafted. David should want to be a bot like us! >"Well, Mack," Kevin said, "we do treat you and Jodie pretty well. You >know we don't have a prejudiced bone in us." > Mike: [Kevin] Not since the operation, anyway. >"Yeah, then why do you and the others treat people like Daria and Jane >the way you do?," Mack found himself saying. > Mike: [Kevin] Because they're pawns of the bourgeois running dog elites. Duh, Mack Daddy. >"Well, er, um," Kevin was fumbling to himself. > Mike: Still, better that than someone else recovering the fumble. >"Well, it because Daria and Jane are both geeks and are too smart for >their own good!," shot in Brittany. > Crow: Ah. William F. Buckley Syndrome. >"Now I know your brains are right in there!," Mack said, pointing at >Brittany's breasts. > All: Hey! Crow: Well, Mack's no better. He's prejudiced against ditzy blondes! >"Well, I never!," All: Yeah, right. > Brittany said, now on the verge of tears at that >insult. "C'mon, Kevin, let's get out of here! I want to cry! >WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" > Crow: [startled] What? Is a house on fire? Did someone break into the White House? Is there a car chase? What, what, WHAT? >She and Kevin left. > >"Uh, see you at practice, I think, Mack Daddy!," said a bewildered >Kevin. > Mike: But he left already! Tom: Maybe he's got a cell phone. >"Don't call me that!," shot back Mack. Mike: [Mack] Call me "Air Mack" or "M. Diddy"! > He then added to himself, "Man, >the way Brittany carries on, she'd make C-ko Kotobuki from 'Project A- >ko' look well-behaved!" > Tom: Kevin Williamson must have been called in to punch this up with all these "witty" pop-culture references. Crow: Aw, nuts. I was all set with a hilarious comment for when his anime reference turned out to be from "Kimagure Orange Road." Mike: If you say so. The only C-ko I know anything about is a watch. >Mack found himself shuffling out of the cafeteria Crow: Poor Mack. Life is crushing his exuberance. > and toward the >industrial arts wing of the school. Mike: Mack's just following the sound of band saws and screams as limbs are lopped off. Tom: Why Study Industrial Arts 2: Through The Portal of Time! > He passed by one room, which was >not having any classes being held at that moment. He stopped when he >heard some voices. Tom: "Get out!" they urged. "Get OUT of the fanfic while you can!" > Apparently an emergency meeting of the Fashion Club >was being held. Crow: In the Industrial Arts wing? Riiiight... > He could hear the deep, annoying, stuck-up voice of >Sandi drone on: > Mike: [hushed] I hear snooty people. Tom: [Sandi] Like, I'm Sandi of Borg. Resistance is futile, I guess. >"Like, it seems that the football players that I asked to rough up >those who were going to sign David MacAllister's petition got the tar >beaten out of them by Andrea and have been found out. [Tom hovers sideways for a moment, then back down.] Tom: Anyone care to guess how that sentence was constructed? Crow: With baling wire and spit, I imagine. > Now we're going >to have to take some other course of action." > Mike: But first Sherri's birthday card. Crow: Ah, this scene asks the most vital question: "What plot point shall we spill out today?" >"Well," Quinn said, "I do have one surefire way we can get rid of our >problems." > Crow: [Quinn] Let's put on a show! We can hold it in my folk's garage and we can invite everyone from the neighborhood... >"Like, how, Quinn?," Sandi said. > Mike: With trendy Redrum heroin! Tom: Mike! No! >At this point, Mack couldn't resist and stuck his head near the door. > Tom: [Mack] Oh, I hope they talk about customizing their wardrobe! >"Well," Quinn said, "When my cousin Daria and I were living in >Highland, Crow: [Quinn] There was this creepy guy named McLeod, and he got killed, but he didn't really or something, and *any*how, now he just wanders around, fondling his sword and mumbling stuff about how there can be only one, and something about Sean Connery and stuff. > there was this tough guy everyone knew called Todd. Mike: [Sandi] Well, sure! Todd! Crow: [Stacy] We know who he is! Tom: [Tiffany] Todd. Duh. > He's got >a reputation for taking no crap from anyone, and he's done some hard >time. Mike: He's watched all of Jerry Bruckheimer's movies. > However, finding him out is kind of difficult; Tom: [Quinn] He's in another show. Crow: [Sandi] So? Crossovers aren't hard, fanfic authors do them all the time! > the only ones who >know where to find him are those two morons Tom: Tom Green and Johnny Knoxville? > Beavis and Butt-Head." > Tom: Well, I was close. Mike: I wonder if they'll die like in "Mommy Nuffin Doing Bubblegum"? Crow: Maybe it'll be a Guerin tradition in his fanfics! >"Like, EW!, Quinn!," Sandi said; Crow: What does Entertainment Weekly have to do with this? Tom: They're going to force them to read it? > "Like I've heard about those two! >They give me the creeps!" > Mike: [Sandi] Their music videos are horrible! >"If you want to end the 'David Problem,' Quinn continued, "we need >those two to find Todd, so he can teach David his place in the order >of things here in Lawndale High!" > Mike: How about running a good political campaign? Ever thought of that? Tom: Lemme guess, they'll get Todd to beat up people who voted for David AFTER they voted. Crow: Is anyone else reminded of the nutso plots the CIA came up with to kill Castro? >"Like, OK, already!," Sandi said. "So, where do we find Beavis and >Butt-Head?" > Mike: [Quinn] They usually hang out at the Highland museum for Modern Art. They're big fans of post-industrialism. >"We'll take the bus to Highland after class and find them," said >Quinn. "Odds are they'll go to the EZ-Mart and get nachos." > Tom: In fact, the odds are 3-2, with 5-1 on going to the Circle K and getting a corndog, 9-2 for going to McDonalds for fries, and 250-1 they'll go to Chez Francois and order Lobster Thermidor. >"Quinn, like you're so smart," purred Tiffany, the club treasurer. > Mike: Oooh, she's catty. >"Yeah, like you think of everything!," agreed Stacy, the club >secretary. > Tom: [Stacy] Like, you're scaring me, Quinn. >"Then, it's settled," Sandi said. "We'll leave after the last class." > >Suddenly, Sandi had the feeling that someone was snooping on the >Fashion Club. Crow: [Sandi] My superficial-snob sense is tingling! > Mack saw her get up. He ran out of the wing and to the >main hallway before she got to the door. >"Funny, but like I thought someone was snooping on us!," Sandi said. > Mike: [Sandi] Maybe we should've held this secret meeting in a secret place... nah! >"It was probably just your imagination!," Quinn said. > Tom: [Quinn] Just like those elves you said were in that lunchbox at the corner of the room. Crow: [Sandi] But they're there, I tell you! Honest! >"Are you doubting me, Quinn?," shot back Sandi. "It's bad enough that >you're cuter than me and get all the guys' attention! Now you're >trying to usurp me?" > Mike: [Sandi] Like, Cardinal Richelieu put you up to this, didn't he? >"No, I wasn't!," defended Quinn. > Mike: Not a very effective defense, is it? Crow: Well, she's just started her legal fashion studies. >"You'd better not, or else--" > Tom: [Sandi] I'll send the quarterbacks after you! >Sandi made a cutting motion across her throat. Mike: She'll cut off all the necks on her sweaters? > Quinn gulped hard at >that remark. > Tom: Hmm... all of a sudden, the Fashion Club becomes a tinpot dictatorship! Crow: Yep. There'll be Marines swarming through here any minute now. >"In the meantime," Sandi said, "we're going to have to challenge >David's petition, try to get it knocked out on some technicality. Is >everyone in agreement on that?" > Mike: For someone who's not afraid of David's running, she sure seems eager to get rid of him. Tom: The wonderful world of politics, ladies and gentlemen. Crow: People, it's just a frigging Student Council election! >Every member of the Fashion Club nodded her head in agreement. For >David MacAllister, the battle was about to get more difficult. Crow: Guerin-ism #726: State the obvious before going to the next scene. >---------------------------------------------------------------------- >---------------------------------------------------------- >Mack found Daria, Jane, Andrea and David. They were going to submit >David's petition to the general office. > Mike: Are they doing it in slow-motion or something? >"Daria! Jane! Andrea! David! I've got to talk to you!," Mack said. > Crow: [Mack] Preferably all at once! >"What's up, Mack?," Daria asked him. > Tom: o/~ What's cooking? What's up, Mack? Are you looking... o/~ >"I was just down at the industrial arts wing, and there was an >emergency meeting of the Fashion Club," Mack said. > Mike: Oh, the horror! A MEETING! Crow: [Mack] They were deciding if sawdust or lead solder was cooler. > >"So?," Daria asked. > Mike: [Mack] They're trying to bring back bell-bottoms! >"So," Mack continued, "I overheard everything. Apparently, Sandi asked >those football players to harass anyone who was going to sign David's >petition. Tom: [Mack] I'm supposed to tell the coach, but I figured letting you guys know instead would get the story moving faster, so... Crow: The reaction? Dull sur-... you know. > When they found out that their plan was spoiled, they >decided to go to Highland and ask someone named Todd to teach David a >'lesson'". > Mike: [Mack] Something about impressionistic art and the difference between a Monet and a Manet. >"Oh, no! Not Todd!," Tom: [Daria] Not Todd, the ill-considered playing card! Mike: Now don't ridicule Todd! Crow: That's okay, Mike. Todd is better than that. > Daria said in shock. "I know him from when I used >to live in Highland. Those two idiots Beavis and Butt-Head hang out >with him all the time." > Crow: If by "hang out" you mean "get their asses kicked every time he sees them". >"Is this Todd person bad?," David asked. > Tom: Well, on the day he was born, the nurses all gathered around, but one spoke up and said "Leave that boy alone!" She knew right away he was bad to the bone. >"Let's just say that if you do meet him," Daria warned, "you'd better >make sure that your insurance is paid up." > Crow: My God, he's an All-State sales rep! >"I guess we're going to have to beat the Fashion Club to the punch, >aren't we?," Jane said. > Mike: [Daria] Why? Is the Berry Hawaiian Blue really THAT tasty? >Daria began to divine what Jane was going to say next: > Tom: The sheep entrails were somewhat murky, but gave her a general idea. >"Let me guess, Jane: You're going to suggest we ask your brother Trent >to drive us to Highland and find Beavis and Butt-Head and tell them >not to tell the Fashion Club where Todd is." > Tom: [Jane] Um, no, I was gonna suggest we go grab a pizza then make fun of some cheerleaders. Crow: [Daria] Oh. Well, I like that better anyway. >"How'd you know?," Jane asked. > Mike: [Daria] I can read your mind. Now stop thinking dirty things or I'll do a "Scanners" on you. >"A woman's intuition," Daria said with a self-satisfied smirk. > Crow: Expression number six! Tom: She guesses the plot! o/~ La la, LA-la la! o/~ Mike: If she gets any more self-satisfied, Val Kilmer will hunt her down and force her to watch "Island of Dr. Moreau". >They now went inside the general office and dropped off the petitions. >Jane then went to a pay phone and called her house. Mike: [Jane] Hi mom, I'm just off to see Beavis & Butthead... no, I don't have a thing for them. They look really freaky... no, I'm not going to kill them... yet. Tom: Let's get out of here. [They stand and exit.] [1 . . . 2 . . . 3 . . . 4 . . . 5 . . . 6 . . . ] [The Bridge.] [Mike once again has his head buried in his hands. Crow stands next to Mike, speaking to him.] Crow: Here's another one. "She says it's cold outside and she hands me a raincoat." Mike: Crow, go away. Crow: Come on, guess. Mike: I dunno. "Desperate but Not Serious." Crow: Bzzzt! Nope. "3 AM" by Matchbox 20. Okay, let's try another one. Mike: Crow, can we *please* play something else? Crow: No! Now, here's your next one. "Home..." Mike: "Burning for You" by Blue Oyster Cult. Crow: Er, yeah. Mike: Crow, if we're going to play this game, do I at least get a turn? Crow: Sure, as soon as I use up my 300 free turns. Mike: And you got those how? Crow: Keith gave him to me. They're transferable from guy to guy. Mike: And Keith is? Crow: [Sighing] Must we go through this *again*? Keith... [Tom enters.] Tom: Mike, I just learned something really interesting. Mike: Really? What? Tom: Did you know that Quentin Tarentino once appeared on "The Golden Girls" playing an Elvis impersonator? Mike: Really? An Elvis impersonator? Tom: No foolin'. Mike: Huh. [pause] Well, Crow. You were saying? Crow: Thank you. Anyway, Keith was a... Mike: [interrupting] You know, I just can't get over that Quentin Tarentino was on "The Golden Girls" playing an Elvis impersonator. Crow: Hey! I have a story here to finish! Tom: It's hard to wrap your brain around, isn't it? Crow: Hello? Amusing anecdote in progress... Mike: Say, does Gypsy know about this? Tom: I dunno. Let's ask her! Crow: Look, I can start the lyric quiz again if you want... Mike: Hey, Gypsy! Come here! [Gypsy enters.] Gypsy: Yes Mike? Mike: Gypsy? Did you know that Quentin Tarentino once played an Elvis impersonator on "The Golden Girls"? Gypsy: You dragged me away from "The Practice" for that? Geez. Why do I even bother recirculating the oxygen for you people? You're obviously not using any of it... [Gypsy slinks away in a huff.] Mike: Oh. [brightening] Say, I bet that Pearl would like to hear about this! Say, Pearl? [Mike hits a button and the view shifts to that of Castle Forrester. Pearl and her henchmen stare grimly at the camera.] Pearl: Mike, we're not stopping the fic, no matter how much you... [SoL] Mike: Say, Pearl? Did you know that Quentin Tarentino once played an Elvis impersonator on "The Golden Girls"? [Castle Forrester] [The trio look uneasily at each other for a second, then turn back to the camera.] Pearl: No, we didn't know that. Observer: It's awfully fascinating though. Bobo: I knew that. Pearl: Quiet. You did not. Bobo: I did! [SoL] Mike: Tom? Who else can we tell about this? Tom: Oh! How about Crow? Crow: You already told me. Tom: Well, how about Santa? Mike: Good idea! Hey, Santa! Did you know that Quentin Tarentino once played an Elvis impersonator on "The Golden Girls"? [North Pole] Santa: Ho, ho, ho! No, I didn't know that! [SoL] Tom: Say, why don't we tell avant-garde rock artist Moby? Mike: Good idea! Hey, Moby! Did you know that Quentin Tarentino once played an Elvis impersonator on "The Golden Girls"? [We shift to the interior of a Manhattan loft. Moby sits in a chair and looks Mobyishly at the camera.] Moby: No, I didn't know that. Thanks for telling me. [SoL] Crow: Okay, we've told everyone, can we... Mike: Say, Tom, I just remembered something. Before he was a director, didn't Tarentino work in a video store? Tom: Well, yes, I think he did! Wow! We need to tell everyone about this! Mike: Good idea! Hey, Crow! Crow: I heard. Tom: Gypsy's gotta know about this! Hey, Gyps! Gypsy: [O.S.] I'm not coming out there and wasting my time again! Mike: Let's tell Pearl!