The Stephen Ratliff Misting Archive

 

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Marrissa

 "Jay! Look *away* from the camera."

The name Stephen Ratliff has become synonymous with bad fanfiction. Here, in a list guaranteed to strike fear in the hearts of the bravest of men, are all of the MiSTings of the Ratliff Star Trek stories, each of them following the adventures of young Marrissa and her Enterprise Kids' Crew. Read all of these at once only if you don't value your health. 

Note that this list roughly follows the order Ratliff wrote them, not the order in which they were MiSTed. Therefore, you will see certain aberrations in references to other Ratliff stories (for instance, in "Away From Home", Mike and the bots mention that they haven't yet read "Cadet Cruise" or "Who Q? Where Q?"). 

WINNER of three Golden Hamdingers (Best MiSTing, Best Riffing, Best Host Segments) and three Balsa Waffles (Worst Fanfic, Worst Plot Contrivance, Worst Characterization of an Established Character), pre-1995 category 
The fanfic that started it all. The Enterprise must travel back in time to rescue the Enterprise-C, despite the obvious damage to the space-time continuum. Wesley Crusher invents a cloaking device that only covers the engineering section, so control of the rest of the ship is handed over to Marrissa and her Kids' Crew. Add in a plot about Gul Dukat invading Earth in a single ship, and hilarity ensues. MiSTed in two parts by David Z. C. Hines.

WINNER of one Balsa Waffle (Worst Scientific Explanation or Technobabble), pre-1995 category 
Gul Dukat tries to get revenge for his defeat at the hands of Marrissa by attacking Bajor. Meanwhile, through a cruel plot twist, both of Marrissa's parents die in battle, and she is adopted by a thoroughly dismayed Captain Picard. MiSTed by David Z. C. Hines.

There's also a MiSTing of Ratliff's retitled and updated version, by Anthony Castellino.

WINNER of one Balsa Waffle (Worst Technobabble), 1995-96 category 
Picard and newly adopted Marrissa are sentenced to oversee a training voyage full of annoying cadets. However, Marrissa proves more skilled, more disciplined, and more annoying than any of them, so when Romulans decide to invade, she is put in charge of Earth's defense. Finally, young Marrissa is promoted to full ensign, thus beginning her bloodthirsty quest for galactic domination. MiSTed by Steve Brinich, Petrea Mitchell, Andrija Popovic, Mark Sachs, and TV's Spatch.
Wacky demigod Q transports all of the Enterprise crew members to a medieval battle, leaving Marrissa and her Kids' Crew to negotiate a peace treaty between Bosnians with cheesy scrambled names (i.e., "Sobnia" or "Naklab"). Includes a Romulan body count so high, even Governor Schwarzenegger would flinch. MiSTed by Chris Mayfield.

WINNER of one Balsa Waffle (Worst New Character), 1995-96 category 
Ratliff's fifth Marrissa saga was just too big to fit into one story, so this one's divided into three parts. In part 1, young Marrissa's field trip shuttle is attacked and crashes on an uninhabited world. Using nothing but the amazing amount of supplies found in the shuttle and her own power to boss the other children around, Marrissa fights off supposedly tough space pirates in a wacky Home Alone fashion. All 3 parts MiSTed by Mike Barklage , Petrea Mitchell, and Todd Gilbert.
 
There is also a MiSTing of Ratliff's revised version, by Matthew Blackwell, Dean Carrano, Bill Livingston, Michael Neylon, Tom Salyers, and Michael Wallen. WARNING: Revised fanfic contains an Evil darker and greater than anything H.P. Lovecraft ever conceived: the Kids' Crew sings Disney tunes.

5.1.1) The Field Trip 2001 version
Yes, it's back. Again. Never one to leave well enough alone, we once again return to the story of Marrissa's first adventure with her future Kid's Crew companions. And this time a cast of video game characters get to riff it! MiSTed by Anthony Bault, but removed as per his request and listed here mostly for historical purposes..

Regular Enterprise crewmen are once again rendered completely ineffective as 13-year-old Marrissa leads an away mission behind enemy lines and diffuses a hostage situation with random, uncontrolled violence.

Marrissa is hit on by Starfleet perverts, then kidnapped by vengeful aliens from part 1. The usual wacky madcap mayhem ensues. Includes the exciting "who commands what ship where" speech, over and over and over again ad nauseum.

Star Trek meets King Ralph. An entire royal family of Essex explodes, except for one person, and the Enterprise is called in to investigate. Meanwhile, Picard and Beverly get married, and Marrissa runs several pointless simulations to "train" the rest of the crew, in case the ship is ever invaded by hostile practical jokers. MiSTed by Suzanne Schroeder.

This long unfinished MiSTing was finally completed some three years after part 1. In the conclusion, Marrissa apprehends the Romulan and Tracke co-conspirators, who were plotting to kill the entire royal family for some damn reason that is never fully explained. Then the Pope shows up in his souped-up 24th century Popemobile to vaporize the bad guys into space dust. Finally, "A Royal Mess" ends as all good Star Trek stories end -- with a lengthy coronation, a fancy dress party in a shuttlecraft bay, and 25 billion promotions. MiSted by Dave Hines, Mighty Jack, Matthew Blackwell, Joseph Nebus, and Tom Salyers.

WINNER of four Golden Hamdingers (Best MiSTing, Best Riffing, Best Host Segments, Best Non-Standard MST3K Character in an MST3K Setting) and three Balsa Waffles (Worst Fanfic, Worst Plot Contrivance, Worst Characterization of an Established Character), 1995-96 category 
Story #7 is unlucky for all involved as Ratliff spins his worst yarn of all time. Marrissa, now 15 years old and Second Officer, is on traffic duty when she encounters some anti-Starfleet terrorists on their way to the past to prevent Starfleet from existing. Marrissa follows them back to 1996, where she gets Bill Clinton's help to capture the baddies. Includes a romance between Wesley Crusher and Chelsea Clinton, the revelation that Star Trek is a 100% accurate depiction of our future, and a showcase of Ratliff's extremely poor grasp of U.S. politics and world affairs. MiSTed by Mike Barklage , Petrea Mitchell, and Jess Nevins.

First MiSTing of Ratliff's updated "Time Speeder." Marrissa heads back in time to stop an evil plan from destroying Starfleet before it gets started. In the meantime, someone is knocking off the Royal Family of Britain. Oh, and Chelsea Clinton is an intern. Mango version by:  Doug Atkinson , Matt Blackwell, Kevin Gowen, Raf Kaplan, Bill Livingston, Mighty Jack, John C. Mozena, Rottweiller, Tom Salyers, and WereTorgo

Second MiSTing of Ratliff's updated "Time Speeder."  Marrissa heads back in time to stop an evil plan from destroying Starfleet before it gets started. In the meantime, someone is knocking off the Royal Family of Britain. Oh, and Chelsea Clinton is an intern. Hmm. That plot sounds kinda familiar...  Papaya version by Matt Blackwell, Bart Fargo, Amanda Flowers, Sarah Heiner, Karen Kallestad, Jeffrey Ray Roberts , and TV's Francis.

Ratliff's southern background shines through in this story, as half the former Kids' Crew gets married to the other half - Marrissa to Jay, Clara to Alexander - despite the fact that none of them are old enough to buy alcohol. Meanwhile, evil but stupid Romulans decide to crash Marrissa's wedding. As usual, Marrissa then commands a vastly superior fleet to brutally slaughter every last Romulan ship. Marrissa's virginity becomes a major plot element. MiSTed by Adam Cadre.

This 9th Marrissa story is kinda strange for Ratliff. There are no evil aliens, Marrissa doesn't have any violent psychotic episodes, and the spelling is generally decent. As you might expect, this means the story is about 1/3 as long as usual. C&tD tells the story of how Marrissa gets Picard and Crusher together, happily married, and spitting out kids like no tomorrow. Also, Ratliff apparently thought the phrase "the Captain and the Doctor" was so cute that he decided to insert it in the story about 1000 times. MiSTed by Jamie Plummer.

Ratliff's 10th chronicles the so-called "War of Romulan Dissolution." First, Riker blows up his second consecutive Enterprise, apparently just to allow Marrissa's new ship to take on the name. Then Captain Marrissa rushes to Riker's rescue, pausing only long enough to destroy her usual quota of Romulan ships commanded by idiots. There is one part towards the end that pretty much sums up this fanfic: Marrissa, who is five months pregnant and has just blown up half the Romulan fleet, is promoted to Admiral. Not only is her bloodthirsty quest of galactic domination nearly completed, but she is also about to spawn. God help us all. MiSTed by Jamie Plummer.

WINNER of one Golden Hamdinger (Best Host Segments) and one Balsa Waffle (Worst Plot Contrivance), 1997 category 
Maquis rebels Ro and Eddington attempt to capture a Starfleet ship by filling it with "Ratliff Gas," which only affects adults. The Kids' Crew is, of course, called on to defend against the Maquis, which they do with the typical precision of a crack team of 10-year-old SWAT members. Ro is captured and put on trial, and Marrissa is selected as her defense attorney. What follows is perhaps the most nonsensical trial since OJ put on his Bruno Maglis. MSTed by Loren Haarsma, Jarek Myszewski, and David Conner
(And if you want a really busy and confusing MiSTing of the same story, try the Group Version, in which over a dozen MiSTers tear into Ratliff, and every single riff is included. The group version includes riffs from: Mighty Jack, David Conner, PsykopathThe Thad Man,Matthew Miller, Stan Foster, Mark Rowan, Merritt Stone, Bill Livingston, Joseph Nebus, Hakan Svensson, Ty Cage WarrenRick MacKinnon, and Andrija Popovic.)

Starfleet Command is blown up by Romulans, killing every admiral in the fleet, including Riker (yay!). Picard escapes the slaughter, but is put into a coma after a lot of people step on his face. Since the command structure is completely destroyed and Earth's doom is obviously at hand, a pregnant 24-year-old named Marrissa is put in charge of the whole shebang. Oh, and did I mention that Lwaxanna Troi is the President of the Federation? That would all make for an inspired Trek spoof if it weren't for the fact that this is just Ratliff's 12th literary travesty. The MiSTing is preceded by a Ratliff short, "Dear Isabella," in which Clara talks to the voices in her head. MiSTed by Jarek Myszewski,"Merritt Stone", "Badger", and Kevin Gowen.

WINNER of one Balsa Waffle (Worst Scientific Explanation or Technobabble), 1997 category 
A disjointed series of vignettes in the life of Marrissa and Co. Cardassia and The Dominion join forces and invade the Federation, but for some reason these events take a back seat to Chelsea Clinton's visit to Garak's tailor shop. There's also a confusing Klingon bar fight and Budweiser product placement, and Marrissa goes skinny-dipping. MiSTed by Dave Hines.

WINNER of one Golden Hamdinger (Best Characterization of Standard MST3K Characters), 1998 category 
Shortly before "Cadet Cruise," 12-year-old Marrissa and Captain Picard vacation in Picard's hometown in France. There, Marrissa meets a town in much need of therapy, goes tee-shirt shopping, gets over her dead parents, goes skinny-dipping (again), wins the Belmont Stakes, and receives advice from the Pope himself and his sidekick, Father Frances/Francis, the first hermaphrodite ordained by the Catholic Church. MiSTed by Mighty Jack,
Joseph Nebus, Frobozz, Kevin Gowen, and Steven"Badger" Savage.

It's a Very Marrissa Christmas as Ratliff once again returns to France for more familial soap opera. The entire story consists of small talk, wine, and a dull Catholic mass - in other words, it's much like Christmas with my family, and about as exciting. Meanwhile, a minor character makes amends with her estranged father - or doesn't, since the story ends rather abruptly at this point. MiSTed by Matthew Blackwell.

In his author's notes, Ratliff promises to depict a more fallible Marrissa in this story. Instead, he gives us Henry Jellico, a spineless, incompetent boob who obviously must be evil because he hates Marrissa. Jellico orders a dangerous training mission resulting in several off screen deaths, and Marrissa arrests him, maintaining her record of absolute perfection. In the end, even Jellico decides that, gosh, maybe she isn't so bad after all. Meanwhile, 14-year-old JAG officer/toady Jay Gordon displays amazing powers of mesmerism, and the whole thing ends at a horse race for no damn reason. MiSTed by Bill Livingston, Matt Blackwell, and Kevin Gowen. Another version, by Bryan Jacobs, may be found here.

WINNER of two Golden Hamdingers (Best Group MiSTing, Best Riff), 1998 category 
Marrissa incinerates an entire solar system (it was only a matter of time, really), then takes command of the Seventh Fleet in its battle against the Jem'Hadar. Picard and Clara pontificate, and RATMMer Tom "Foxtrot" Cox babysits little Jackie and Rene. Special cameo appearance by Marrissa's pink panties. MiSTed by WereTorgo, Karen Kallestad, Tom Currie, Petrea Mitchell, Tv's Francis, Brian Dubic, Satya, Jim Whaley, and Glazed McGuffin Man (whew!).

An extremely pregnant (and occasionally barefoot)  Marrissa heads off to the Klingon Homeworld in an attempt to drag the Klingons into a war with the Romulans. Meanwhile,  the Sulu family goes on fleet manuevers while a hacker is loose on the Enterprise. Featuring guest appearances by practically everyone ever to appear on Star Trek, as well as most of the characters from the Wheel of Time series! Oh, and Jen, Odie and Mellie make guest appearances too. Misted by Bryan Lambert.

After Marrissa gets turned into the Borg Queen (see Hail to the Queen for the full story), the rest of the crew decides that the Big M needs a rest.  And it's not a mutiny! Really! After that, Marrissa and Jay spend the rest of the story examining their navels and making whoopie. Part of the Sailor Moon 2400 cast makes an inexplicable appearance too. Misted by Pete Milan and Matt Rossi. A group version, covering the same ground,  was misted by Brendan Herlihy, Kevin GowenDavid Thurston and Pete Milan may be found here.

20) Royal and Prime Directives -
<>Marrissa and the Enterprise Crew travel to a primitive panel to investigate a former Starfleet office who seems to have set himself up as king. You know,  Star Trek plot #8. Along the way, Marrissa begins to wear less and less clothing. And more royals get themselves married. Misted by Bill Livingston, with assistance from Matt Blackwell, Freezer,  Douglas Gale,  Joseph Nebus, Phantom, Michael Pullman, Chris Ratcliff, and Dalty Smith.
21) Endeavor's Beginning
Coming soon! Honest! I really mean it!


23) A Marrissa Twofer NEW!
Two mini-fics in this misting. The first one, "Duty, Loyalty, Trust, Honor" is Marrissa in Marrissa's own words.  No plot, mind you, just Marrissa's inner dialog.  Part 2 is "But for a Y, Go I", in which the Big M  finds true love at last. Both are by Bill Livingston.


Official Marrissa Stories not Written By Stephen Ratliff...

Generations 2: Generations Ahead 
While not actually written by Ratliff, it does take place in the Ratliff Universe and is written by Anne-Lise Pasch, who for some unexplained reason, decided to write this piece. Marrissa and crew must destroy the Nexus by crashing it into suns. In the meantime, Riker hits on everything that moves, and Guinan says very somber things about the Borg, meaning it's not that far from actual TNG. Ratliff's "A Royal Wedding" is a sequel to this story. MiSTed by Dave Hines
Hail to the Queen 
WINNER of two Iridium Ram-Chips (Best of the Worst Fanfic, Best of the Worst Plot), 1998 category Another Marrissa story, this one by Rob Tounts. This one pits the Kids Crew against Marrissa, who has been assimilated by the Borg and, predictably, has become their new Queen. MiSTed by Matt Blackwell, Doug Atkinson, Michael K. Neylon, Bill Livingston, Steven Savage.

Before the Dawn
Marrissa's back! And she's annoyed at Deep Space Nine! This non-Ratliff Marrissa story features fights! Thrills! Spills! And Odo standig around pontificating! Misted by Matt Blackwell, Alex Gariepy, Juliet Youngren, Brian Dubick, Eric Sheppers and Douglas Gale.

Ratliff Short Stories
Dear Isabella, part 3 
Clara's third "journal entry" to her invisible friend. MiSTed by Adam Cadre
Dear Isabella, part 4 
Another journal entry from Clara. This very short MiSTing originally appeared as a lead-in to another, longer fanfic. Parts 1 and 2 were riffed elsewhere. MiSTed by Dave Hines
Moondusted 
Tim McLees' MiSTing of Ratliff's Marrissa/Sailor Moon crossover. From Tim's web site. 
Ratliff-A-Go-Go
Three short stories by Mr. Ratliff. The Kids' Crew write diary entries. Then Marrissa pretends she's Sailor Moon. And finally, Kirk, Spock and some Klingons burst into a number from South Pacific. Misted  by Matt Blackwell and Bill Livingston, with assistance from Tom Currie.
A Little Challenge
One day over on alt.startrek.creative, Mr. Ratliff issued a challenge to the  other authors to create a story where the characters in their stories get revenge on them. The results were then riffed in this collection of  mistings., including two by Mr. Ratliff.  Winner of the 1998 ASC Best Misting Award. Misted by Matt Blackwell, Doug Atkinson, and Andrew Perron.

Marrissa's  Revenge II
The sequel to  "Marrissa's  Revenge" from "A Little Challenge".  By Matt Blackwell and Doug Atkinson.
Kentucky Derby
More  intense Star Trek horse racing action. By Kevin Ramsey and Freak.

No Trick This Year
Marrissa and the Kid's Crew go trick or treating. Well, okay.  They actually seem to just go tricking, but you get the idea. Misted by Bill Livingston.

Belmont Stakes
Marrissa and  Isabelle, (Rene Picard's fiancee from "All the King's Horses") race in the Belmont Stakes race in New York. Surprisingly, the two girls are able to run faster than the horses. It's more horse racing action by Stephen Ratliff. Misted by David Thurston, with assistance by  Bill Livingston and Laurie Urban.

The 72 Hour Saga  Featuring "I Regret to Inform You" 
Heck, I haven't had time to read this one yet, but it's posted and it's by Joseph Nebus. Enjoy.

Sink the Bismark!
The Cardassians try and destroy Starfleet's new uber-ship, all while singing a jaunty sea tune. Er, space tune. Part of "MST3k: The Musical". Misted by Melvin Pollack.
Better than a Best Friend  NEW!
The heartwarming tale of Marrissa's first smooch. Awwww.... Bill Livingston is the riffer on this one.

A Grand Slam Misting  - NEW!
Four mistings! One rant! One by Rob Morris! One by Doc Thinker! And the Last by Stephen Ratliff! No Marrissa, but still goofiness abounds!  Bill Livingston pens this one.

Non Star Trek Stories

Yep. Stephen has written fanfic outside of the  Star Trek milieu too.

Unseen Signs
Ranma and Akane beat up various people while  rearranging letters on a sign. No, it doesn't get much more coherent than that. Misted by Crowbar and Nightbreak.

A Little Earlier
Ranma and Akane meet up "a little earlier" than they do in the actual TV show, which causes all sorts of problems. And pudding is involved too. By the way, this is technically the first part of a triology. Riffed by Tim McLees, Glazius Falconar, Seth Triggs, Antaeus Feldspar, Rotty, Steven Savage, Steve "EchoAlbarn" Sulzer, RJak, Maiku, and Amanda Van Rhyn.



   
   

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 Updated: April 26, 2005