|The name Stephen
Ratliff has become synonymous with bad fanfiction. Here, in a list
guaranteed to strike fear in the hearts of the bravest of men, are all
of the MiSTings of the Ratliff Star Trek stories, each of them following
the adventures of young Marrissa and her Enterprise Kids' Crew. Read all
of these at once only if you don't value your health.
Note that this list follows
the order Ratliff wrote them, not the order in which they were MiSTed.
Therefore, you will see certain aberrations in references to other Ratliff
stories (for instance, in "Away From Home", Mike and the bots mention that
they haven't yet read "Cadet Cruise" or "Who Q? Where Q?").
The Second Annual MiSTing
Awards were given out in March 1999, and All
the King's Horses, The
Seventh Fleet, and
to the Queen came away winners. For a complete list of the voting results,
visit Michael Neylon's
site. The 2000 Awards are currently underway.
part 1 and
of three Golden Hamdingers (Best MiSTing, Best Riffing, Best Host Segments)
and three Balsa Waffles (Worst Fanfic, Worst Plot Contrivance, Worst Characterization
of an Established Character), pre-1995 category
The fanfic that started it all.
The Enterprise must travel back in time to rescue the Enterprise-C, despite
the obvious damage to the space-time continuum. Wesley Crusher invents
a cloaking device that only covers the engineering section, so control
of the rest of the ship is handed over to Marrissa and her Kids' Crew.
Add in a plot about Gul Dukat invading Earth in a single ship, and hilarity
ensues. MiSTed in two parts by David Z. C. Hines.
of one Balsa Waffle (Worst Scientific Explanation or Technobabble), pre-1995
Gul Dukat tries to get revenge
for his defeat at the hands of Marrissa by attacking Bajor. Meanwhile,
through a cruel plot twist, both of Marrissa's parents die in battle, and
she is adopted by a thoroughly dismayed Captain Picard. MiSTed by David
Z. C. Hines.
Battle for Bajor
There's also a MiSTing of Ratliff's
retitled and updated version, by Anthony Castellino.
Cruise and Pt
of one Balsa Waffle (Worst Technobabble), 1995-96 category
Picard and newly adopted Marrissa
are sentenced to oversee a training voyage full of annoying cadets. However,
Marrissa proves more skilled, more disciplined, and more annoying than
any of them, so when Romulans decide to invade, she is put in charge of
Earth's defense. Finally, young Marrissa is promoted to full ensign, thus
beginning her bloodthirsty quest for galactic domination. MiSTed by Steve
Mitchell, Andrija Popovic, Mark
Q? Where Q?
Wacky demigod Q transports all
of the Enterprise crew members to a medieval battle, leaving Marrissa and
her Kids' Crew to negotiate a peace treaty between Bosnians with cheesy
scrambled names (i.e., "Sobnia" or "Naklab"). Includes a Romulan body count
so high, even Schwarzeneggar would flinch. MiSTed by Chris Mayfield.
From Home, Part 1: The Field Trip
of one Balsa Waffle (Worst New Character), 1995-96 category
Ratliff's fifth Marrissa saga
was just too big to fit into one story, so this one's divided into three
parts. In part 1, young Marrissa's field trip shuttle is attacked and crashes
on an uninhabited world. Using nothing but the amazing amount of supplies
found in the shuttle and her own power to boss the other children around,
Marrissa fights off supposedly tough space pirates in a wacky Home Alone
fashion. All 3 parts MiSTed by Mike Barklage , Petrea
Mitchell, and Todd Gilbert.
There is also a MiSTing of Ratliff's
revised version, by Matthew
Blackwell, Dean Carrano, Bill
Livingston, Michael Neylon,
Salyers, and Michael Wallen. WARNING: Revised fanfic contains
an Evil darker and greater than anything H.P. Lovecraft ever conceived:
the Kids' Crew sings Disney tunes.
Field Trip 2001 version
Yes, it's back. Again. Never
one to leave well enough alone, we once again return to the story of Marrissa's
first adventure with her future Kid's Crew companions. And this time a
cast of video game characters get to riff it! MiSTed by Anthony Bault
From Home, Part 2: The Away Mission
Regular Enterprise crewmen are
once again rendered completely ineffective as 13-year-old Marrissa leads
an away mission behind enemy lines and diffuses a hostage situation with
random, uncontrolled violence.
From Home, Part 3: Chasing Marrissa
Marrissa is hit on by Starfleet
perverts, then kidnapped by vengeful aliens from part 1. The usual wacky
madcap mayhem ensues. Includes the exciting "who commands what ship where"
speech, over and over and over again ad nauseum.
Royal Mess, part 1
Star Trek meets King
Ralph. An entire royal family of Essex explodes, except for one person,
and the Enterprise is called in to investigate. Meanwhile, Picard and Beverly
get married, and Marrissa runs several pointless simulations to "train"
the rest of the crew, in case the ship is ever invaded by hostile practical
jokers. MiSTed by Suzanne Schroeder.
Royal Mess, part 2
This long unfinished MiSTing
was finally completed some three years after part 1. In the conclusion,
Marrissa apprehends the Romulan and Tracke co-conspirators, who were plotting
to kill the entire royal family for some damn reason that is never fully
explained. Then the Pope shows up in his souped-up 24th century Popemobile
to vaporize the bad guys into space dust. Finally, "A Royal Mess" ends
as all good Star Trek stories end -- with a lengthy coronation,
a fancy dress party in a shuttlecraft bay, and 25 billion promotions. MiSted
Jack, Matthew Blackwell,
Nebus, and Tom Salyers.
of four Golden Hamdingers (Best MiSTing, Best Riffing, Best Host Segments,
Best Non-Standard MST3K Character in an MST3K Setting) and three Balsa
Waffles (Worst Fanfic, Worst Plot Contrivance, Worst Characterization of
an Established Character), 1995-96 category
Story #7 is unlucky for all
involved as Ratliff spins his worst yarn of all time. Marrissa, now 15
years old and Second Officer, is on traffic duty when she encounters some
anti-Starfleet terrorists on their way to the past to prevent Starfleet
from existing. Marrissa follows them back to 1996, where she gets Bill
Clinton's help to capture the baddies. Includes a romance between Wesley
Crusher and Chelsea Clinton, the revelation that
Star Trek is a
100% accurate depiction of our future, and a showcase of Ratliff's extremely
poor grasp of U.S. politics and world affairs. MiSTed by Mike Barklage
, Petrea Mitchell,
and Jess Nevins.
Prospects, Mango version
First MiSTing of Ratliff's updated
"Time Speeder." Marrissa heads back in time to stop an evil plan from destroying
Starfleet before it gets started. In the meantime, someone is knocking
off the Royal Family of Britain. Oh, and Chelsea Clinton is an intern.
Mango version by: Doug Atkinson , Matt
Kevin Gowen, Raf Kaplan, Bill
Livingston, Mighty Jack, John C. Mozena, Rottweiller,
Salyers, and WereTorgo
Prospects, Papaya version
Second MiSTing of Ratliff's
updated "Time Speeder." Marrissa heads back in time to stop an evil
plan from destroying Starfleet before it gets started. In the meantime,
someone is knocking off the Royal Family of Britain. Oh, and Chelsea Clinton
is an intern. Hmm. That plot sounds kinda familiar... Papaya version
by Matt Blackwell,
Fargo, Amanda Flowers, Sarah
Heiner, Karen Kallestad, Jeffrey Ray Roberts , and
Ratliff's southern background
shines through in this story, as half the former Kids' Crew gets married
to the other half - Marrissa to Jay, Clara to Alexander - despite the fact
that none of them are old enough to buy alcohol. Meanwhile, evil but stupid
Romulans decide to crash Marrissa's wedding. As usual, Marrissa then commands
a vastly superior fleet to brutally slaughter every last Romulan ship.
Marrissa's virginity becomes a major plot element. MiSTed by Adam
Captain and the Doctor
This 9th Marrissa story is kinda
strange for Ratliff. There are no evil aliens, Marrissa doesn't have any
violent psychotic episodes, and the spelling is generally decent. As you
might expect, this means the story is about 1/3 as long as usual. C&tD
tells the story of how Marrissa gets Picard and Crusher together, happily
married, and spitting out kids like no tomorrow. Also, Ratliff apparently
thought the phrase "the Captain and the Doctor" was so cute that he decided
to insert it in the story about 1000 times. MiSTed by Jamie
Ratliff's 10th chronicles the
so-called "War of Romulan Dissolution." First, Riker blows up his second
consecutive Enterprise, apparently just to allow Marrissa's new ship to
take on the name. Then Captain Marrissa rushes to Riker's rescue, pausing
only long enough to destroy her usual quota of Romulan ships commanded
by idiots. There is one part towards the end that pretty much sums up this
fanfic: Marrissa, who is five months pregnant and has just blown up half
the Romulan fleet, is promoted to Admiral. Not only is her bloodthirsty
quest of galactic domination nearly completed, but she is also about to
spawn. God help us all. MiSTed by
of one Golden Hamdinger (Best Host Segments) and one Balsa Waffle (Worst
Plot Contrivance), 1997 category
Maquis rebels Ro and Eddington
attempt to capture a Starfleet ship by filling it with "Ratliff Gas," which
only affects adults. The Kids' Crew is, of course, called on to defend
against the Maquis, which they do with the typical precision of a crack
team of 10-year-old SWAT members. Ro is captured and put on trial, and
Marrissa is selected as her defense attorney. What follows is perhaps the
most nonsensical trial since OJ put on his Bruno Maglis. MSTed by Loren
Haarsma, Jarek Myszewski, and David Conner.
(And if you want a really busy
and confusing MiSTing of the same story, try the Group
Version, in which over a dozen MiSTers tear into Ratliff, and every
single riff is included. The group version includes riffs from: Mighty
Jack, David Conner, Psykopath, The Thad Man,Matthew
Miller, Stan Foster, Mark Rowan, Merritt Stone,
Ty Cage Warren, Rick MacKinnon, and
Starfleet Command is blown up
by Romulans, killing every admiral in the fleet, including Riker (yay!).
Picard escapes the slaughter, but is put into a coma after a lot of people
step on his face. Since the command structure is completely destroyed and
Earth's doom is obviously at hand, a pregnant 24-year-old named Marrissa
is put in charge of the whole shebang. Oh, and did I mention that Lwaxanna
Troi is the President of the Federation? That would all make for an inspired
Trek spoof if it weren't for the fact that this is just Ratliff's 12th
literary travesty. The MiSTing is preceded by a Ratliff short, "Dear Isabella,"
in which Clara talks to the voices in her head. MiSTed by Jarek Myszewski,"Merritt
of one Balsa Waffle (Worst Scientific Explanation or Technobabble), 1997
A disjointed series of vignettes
in the life of Marrissa and Co. Cardassia and The Dominion join forces
and invade the Federation, but for some reason these events take a back
seat to Chelsea Clinton's visit to Garak's tailor shop. There's also a
confusing Klingon bar fight and Budweiser product placement, and Marrissa
goes skinny-dipping. MiSTed by
the King's Horses
of one Golden Hamdinger (Best Characterization of Standard MST3K Characters),
Shortly before "Cadet Cruise,"
12-year-old Marrissa and Captain Picard vacation in Picard's hometown in
France. There, Marrissa meets a town in much need of therapy, goes tee-shirt
shopping, gets over her dead parents, goes skinny-dipping (again), wins
the Belmont Stakes, and receives advice from the Pope himself and his sidekick,
Father Frances/Francis, the first hermaphrodite ordained by the Catholic
Church. MiSTed by Mighty Jack,
Kevin Gowen, and Steven"Badger"
It's a Very Marrissa Christmas
as Ratliff once again returns to France for more familial soap opera. The
entire story consists of small talk, wine, and a dull Catholic mass - in
other words, it's much like Christmas with my family, and about
as exciting. Meanwhile, a minor character makes amends with her estranged
father - or doesn't, since the story ends rather abruptly at this point.
MiSTed by Matthew Blackwell.
Walls of Jellico
In his author's notes, Ratliff
promises to depict a more fallible Marrissa in this story. Instead, he
gives us Henry Jellico, a spineless, incompetent boob who obviously must
be evil because he hates Marrissa. Jellico orders a dangerous training
mission resulting in several off screen deaths, and Marrissa arrests him,
maintaining her record of absolute perfection. In the end, even Jellico
decides that, gosh, maybe she isn't so bad after all. Meanwhile, 14-year-old
JAG officer/toady Jay Gordon displays amazing powers of mesmerism, and
the whole thing ends at a horse race for no damn reason. MiSTed by Bill
Blackwell, and Kevin Gowen. Another version, by Bryan
Jacobs, may be found here.
of two Golden Hamdingers (Best Group MiSTing, Best Riff), 1998 category
Marrissa incinerates an entire
solar system (it was only a matter of time, really), then takes command
of the Seventh Fleet in its battle against the Jem'Hadar. Picard and Clara
pontificate, and RATMMer Tom
"Foxtrot" Cox babysits little Jackie and Rene. Special cameo appearance
by Marrissa's pink panties. MiSTed by WereTorgo, Karen Kallestad,
Currie, Petrea Mitchell,
Francis, Brian Dubic, Satya, Jim Whaley, and
McGuffin Man (whew!).
An extremely pregnant (and occasionally
barefoot) Marrissa heads off to the Klingon Homeworld in an attempt
to drag the Klingons into a war with the Romulans. Meanwhile, the
Sulu family goes on fleet manuevers while a hacker is loose on the Enterprise.
Featuring guest appearances by practically everyone ever to appear on Star
Trek, as well as most of the characters from the Wheel of Time series!
Oh, and Jen, Odie and Mellie make guest appearances too. Misted by Bryan
Love By Daylight
After Marrissa gets turned into
the Borg Queen (see Hail
to the Queen for the full story), the rest of the crew decides that
the Big M needs a rest. And it's not a mutiny! Really! After that,
Marrissa and Jay spend the rest of the story examining their navels and
making whoopie. Part of the Sailor Moon 2400 cast makes an inexplicable
appearance too. Misted by Pete Milan and Matt Rossi. A group
version, covering the same ground, was misted by Brendan
Kevin Gowen, David Thurston and Pete
Milan may be found
Official Marrissa Stories not
Written By Stephen Ratliff...
2: Generations Ahead
While not actually written by
Ratliff, it does take place in the Ratliff Universe and is written by Anne-Lise
Pasch, who for some unexplained reason, decided to write this piece. Marrissa
and crew must destroy the Nexus by crashing it into suns. In the meantime,
Riker hits on everything that moves, and Guinan says very somber things
about the Borg, meaning it's not that far from actual TNG. Ratliff's
"A Royal Wedding" is a sequel to this story. MiSTed by Dave
to the Queen
of two Iridium Ram-Chips (Best of the Worst Fanfic, Best of the Worst Plot),
1998 category Another
Marrissa story, this one by Rob Tounts. This one pits the Kids Crew against
Marrissa, who has been assimilated by the Borg and, predictably, has become
their new Queen. MiSTed by Matt
Doug Atkinson, Michael
Marrissa's back! And she's annoyed
at Deep Space Nine! This non-Ratliff Marrissa story features fights! Thrills!
Spills! And Odo standig around pontificating! Misted by Matt
Gariepy, Juliet Youngren, Brian Dubick,
and Douglas Gale.
Ratliff Short Stories
Isabella, part 3
Clara's third "journal entry"
to her invisible friend. MiSTed by Adam
Isabella, part 4
Another journal entry from Clara.
This very short MiSTing originally appeared as a lead-in to another, longer
fanfic. Parts 1 and 2 were riffed elsewhere. MiSTed by Dave
McLees' MiSTing of Ratliff's Marrissa/Sailor Moon crossover. From
Tim's web site.
Three short stories by Mr. Ratliff.
The Kids' Crew write diary entries. Then Marrissa pretends she's Sailor
Moon. And finally, Kirk, Spock and some Klingons burst into a number from
Pacific. Misted by Matt
Blackwell and Bill
Livingston, with assistance from
One day over on alt.startrek.creative,
Mr. Ratliff issued a challenge to the other authors to create a story
where the characters in their stories get revenge on them. The results
were then riffed in this collection of mistings., including two by
Mr. Ratliff. Winner of the 1998 ASC Best Misting Award. Misted
by Matt Blackwell,
Atkinson, and Andrew Perron.
The sequel to "Marrissa's
Revenge" from "A Little Challenge". By Matt
Blackwell and Doug Atkinson.
More intense Star Trek
horse racing action. By Kevin Ramsey and Freak.
Trick This Year
Marrissa and the Kid's Crew
go trick or treating. Well, okay. They actually seem to just go tricking,
but you get the idea. Misted by Bill
Marrissa and Isabelle,
(Rene Picard's fiancee from "All the King's Horses") race in the Belmont
Stakes race in New York. Surprisingly, the two girls are able to run faster
than the horses. It's more horse racing action by Stephen Ratliff. Misted
by David Thurston, with assistance by Bill
72 Hour Saga
Featuring "I Regret to Inform You"
Heck, I haven't had time to
read this one yet, but it's posted and it's by Joseph
The Cardassians try and destroy
Starfleet's new uber-ship, all while singing a jaunty sea tune. Er, space
tune. Part of "MST3k: The Musical". Misted by Melvin Pollack.
|Non Star Trek Stories
Yep. Stephen has written
fanfic outside of the Star Trek milieu too.
Ranma and Akane beat up various
people while rearranging letters on a sign. No, it doesn't get much
more coherent than that. Misted by Crowbar and Nightbreak.
Ranma and Akane meet up "a little
earlier" than they do in the actual TV show, which causes all sorts of
problems. And pudding is involved too. By the way, this is technically
the first part of a triology. Riffed by Tim
Falconar, Seth Triggs,
Antaeus Feldspar, Rotty,
Steven Savage, Steve
"EchoAlbarn" Sulzer, RJak, Maiku, and Amanda Van Rhyn.
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