[Web Site Number 9] Return to Mistings Index ------------------------------------------------------------------------ MiSTing: Ratliff-a-Go-Go By Matthew Blackwell and Bill Livingston [Season 6 Opening Sequence] [Mike is standing behind the command console, drinking a cup of coffee and reading a magazine. After a moment, he looks up.] MIKE: Oh, hi everyone. I'm Mike Nelson and this is the Satellite of Love. I'm still stuck up here with my robotic compatriots and I'm still being forced to watch bad movies. Today, though, none of that matters, cause I've got a damned good cup of coffee. [sips] Ahhh. That's good coffee. [Crow rushes in from stage right.] MIKE: Hi Crow. Would you like a damn good cup of coffee? CROW: There's no time for that Mike... MIKE: It's really good coffee... CROW: Forget the coffee, you stupid Java guzzling fool! We've got a problem! MIKE: [sighs] Okay, what's the problem? TOM: Well, Tom was fooling around on the holodeck and, as usual, things went horribly wrong! There's rust monsters loose all over the ship! And Gelatinous Cubes! And Green Slime and Black Puddings too! MIKE: [Beat] Crow, we don't have a holodeck. CROW: Well, of course we do. Don't you remember? All Galaxy class satellites have them. MIKE: This isn't a Galaxy class anything Crow. [turns to the camera] But this is galaxy class coffee. [sips] Ah. Damned good coffee. CROW: Mike, I *saw * the rust monster. It was short and red and hovered and had a set of antennas on its head! MIKE: So it looked like Tom, but with a set of antenna? CROW: Yes! It looked - heeeeey! [Tom, wearing a set of antenna on his dome, rushes in from stage left.] TOM: ARRRRGGGGGHHHH!!! [Crow turns and stares at Tom.] TOM: Arrrggghh? CROW: Nope. TOM: Uh-oh. [Crow launches himself at Tom, and a fight ensues. Mike quietly sits there drinking his coffee, and smiling after each drink. After a few seconds of this, the console lights begins to flash.] MIKE: Oh look. Chase and Sanborn are calling. [hits the button.] Hi there! Would you like a damned good cup of coffee? FRANK: Oooh, fresh ground Colombian? DR.F: Frank! [To Mike] Good evening, Juan Valdez. We've got a special treat for you tonight. Whilst browsing our archives, we found copies of some previously unknown short stories by the 20th century's best known author. [The fight has broken up. Both Tom and Crow look the worse for wear. Tom's antennas are still loosely attached, but droop noticeably.] MIKE: Steven King? TOM: Tom Clancy? CROW: Nick Pollotta? [Mike and Tom turn to face Crow.] CROW: Well, *I* think he's well known. DR.F: No, of course not. I'm referring to the creator of one of the most beloved series of all time, involving a plucky young girl and her adventures with Starfleet. MIKE: Oh, no! DR.F: Oh, yes! Three new short stories by Mr. Stephen Ratliff. [Everyone looks despondent.] CROW: Say, Mike? Is there any chance there's a real Rust Monster on the satellite? MIKE: You're made of Kevlar, Crow. You don't rust. CROW: Blast. DR.F: I'll just start them up in a minute. You can go in and watch them - if you'd like. TOM: Wait a minute! We can watch them, *if we'd like*?!? CROW: You mean we don't *have* to experience the horror that is Ratliff? MIKE: We don't have to read one sentence space battles? TOM: Or lamely named characters? CROW: Or bizarre plot? MIKE: Or read anything about Marrissa Amber Flores Picard? TOM: Princess of Essex? CROW: Second in Command of the Stargazer? MIKE: Head of the Fighter wing? TOM: Future head of Starfleet? CROW: Future wife of Jay Gordon? MIKE: Her royal badness? DR.F: Nope. [A party has sprung up. Mike and bots are whooping and dancing wildly about the station. After a moment, Mike breaks off from the impromptu conga line and addresses Forrester.] MIKE: Thank you, Dr.Forrester! I'll never forget this act of kindness! Heck, it's almost enough to make me forgive you for sending me up here in the first place! DR.F: Oh, no thanks are necessary. I'm sure that you and your visitors will have a lovely, lovely time. [The party's still in full swing.] MIKE: Visitors? What visitors? DR.F: Oh, did I neglect to mention that? I'm sending up some friends of Mr. Ratliff. I believe they're his fan club. Have fun. [Begins to laugh.] FRANK: So no coffee then? DR.F: Frank, go percolate yourself! FRANK: Right. [wanders out] [The music has ground to a halt, and the party has stopped dead.] MIKE: Ratliff's *fan club*?!? VOICES: Hi! [Mike and the bots turn to see a throng of people on the bridge.] ALL: AHHH! TOM: The legions of the damned walk among us! MIKE: [whispering] Quiet Tom. [to the Fan Club] Um, hi. [A cheerful woman, looking suspiciously like Bridget, steps to the front of the crowd.] FAN #1: Hi there, fellow Ratliff fan! And how are you today? CROW: We're fine - I guess. FAN #1: That's great! Say, why don't we introduce ourselves? I'm Lisa, President of the Stephen B. Ratliff Fan Club. And this is Molly, our vice president, Joan, our third in command, Luke, our fourth... MIKE: [interrupting] Um, do we really need to know everyone's name and fan club rank? LISA: [puzzled] But how else can we keep track of who we are and what position we hold?? MIKE: Well, have you considered nametags? Maybe some monogrammed shirts or some- CROW: Mike, you're missing the main point. These people have a fan club for that hack, Ratliff! [Another woman, who looks suspiciously like Mary Jo, barges through the crowd and grabs Crow by his beak. Several other women follow her to the front.] NOEL: Hey! Watch it! Ratliff's a friend of ours! TOM: And you are?? NOEL: We're his net.wives, pal. MIKE: Net.wives? [Shakes head] Never mind. I don't want to know. All right, who else is here? [Voices shout out from the crowd.] VOICE #1: We're from alt.startrek.creative! VOICE #2: We're from Radford's comp sci department. VOICE #3: We're his fellow Star Trek RPG players. MIKE: [peering out over the crowd.] Hey, you in the back! You haven't told us who you are yet. VOICE #4: I'm Rick Berman. [with an audible intake of breath, the remainder of the crowd moves away from Mr. Berman.] LISA: Say! Let's celebrate this little get-together with a song dedicated to the great one! OTHER FANS: Yeah! MIKE: [Turns to the bots] Theater? TOM: Theater. CROW: I don't know about this, Mike... FAN CLUB: [singing] Oh Great Ratliff To you, we sing our praise. Your stories bring us light And hope for better days... CROW: Theater! The theater! Sanctuary! [The fanfic sign flashes, and the three rush to the doors.] [6... 5... 4... 3... 2... O... ] [Mike and the bots enter and sit down.] CROW: [shivering] Odes to Ratliff. Brrr-r-r-! MIKE: It's okay, Crow. We're safe in here. >Dear Isabella #5 MIKE: Then again... TOM: Collect the whole series. CROW: The Federation Strikes Back... >Set on the Enterprise-E after the End of the Klingon-Federation >Conflict. CROW: Which the Federation won 31-28 with a field goal in OT. TOM: It was the dawn of the third age of man, ten years after the end of the Klingon-Federation Conflict. The Babylon Project was a dream given form. Its goal: to prevent the completion of any more fan- fics involving cute furry animals or maniacal uber-teens. >Note: The position given Alexander in "Who Q? Where Q?" of TOM: Official Weenie of the Klingon Empire © >Ambassador at Large from the Klingon High Council is a life time >appointment, and could not be stripped from him after "The Way of the >Warrior" (And yes, I wrote that in before the said show.) TOM: Ratliff has the powers of prescience? CROW: He's the kwisatz haderach! MIKE: I always considered him more of a twisted mentat myself. CROW: Maybe he'll make a ghola re-creation of Ensign Throwaway. >Personal Log >Marrissa A. Picard, Lieutenant, Chief of Security USS Enterprise-E TOM: Oh great, now she's chief of security, too! MIKE: All she needs is one more, and she'll officially pass Queen Elizabeth as the world's title-holding title-holder. > If Clara tries to get me to go to another social event... I'm >going to shoot her out of the torpedo bay. TOM: If that fails, then I'll try to kill her with a forklift! BWAH-HA-HA! > Get out and socialize more >... This from a girl who's log is written to an imaginary friend named >Isabella. MIKE: Ouch. TOM: And Marrissa unsheathes her claws... CROW: Steve's giving us a cat fight! Thank you! > I may have to attend welcoming parties for visiting VIPs on the >Enterprise, but that's a part of my duty. TOM: [Marrissa] Besides, that makes it easier to replace them all with my pod people. CROW: Queen Victoria tells me that it's her duty to service the PM, but I can't find that anywhere in the Constitution... MIKE: Do you want to listen to the fan club sing again? CROW: I'll be good. > And there is the diplomatic >functions that I have to do for Essex. That's duty too, but it's one >that drives me nuts. TOM: [Marrissa] And when I take over, it'll be the first thing to go. > I really should get an escort for every event, >because some of those diplomats are rather annoying. TOM: [Marrissa] The ambassador from Urkel IV is particularly annoying! MIKE: Wanna see my Urkel impression again? CROW: Not in a hillion-jillion years, Mike! > If another Ambassador hits on me, I'm drawing a phaser on him. MIKE: Early evidence of Marrissa's gift for diplomacy. TOM: And on top of everything else, she's a budding tattoo artist. > With all of that, I really don't see the need for my attendance >at the bi-weekly dance. It's not like any of the people my age are CROW: ...Actually in Starfleet or anything! >going to dance with me. CROW: Except for that Lt. Sienfeld and Ensign Humbert. > For some reason, dancing with the Security >Chief whose also the Captain's daughter is not exactly popular. TOM: [Marrissa] I wonder if the blood-stained b'atleth I carry all the time has anything to do with that? Na-a-a-ah! MIKE: Or it might be due to Picard's "Touch my daughter and die" decree. >I liked it better when I was just the Chief CONN Officer. TOM: COOOOOOOONNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!! > Then I had people willing to dance. > In any case, our next stop is Deep Space Nine. MIKE: [Marrissa] And then Voyager, and I'll finally rule the entire Trekiverse! > I happen to >know, that Alex is visiting his father there. I also know that there >will be a diplomatic function on Bajor, CROW: Ah, it's "Take-a-Maquis-to-Lunch" week! TOM: Or a "Marquis" MIKE: Or a "Marqui" > which Victoria wants one of us >to attend. Unfortunately, I will be busy and so will Clara's father... TOM: We'll be trying to determine if there are any members of the Kid's crew left who aren't orphans yet. >End Log. CROW: And flush. MIKE: Crow! CROW: What?!? >Dear Isabella, CROW: My journey to India continues, still no sight of land. I'm still curious as to why the young blonde girl has been assigned to my ship, but I trust your judgment. Don't let Ferdinand know about us. Love and smoochies, Chris C. > Alexander is escorting me to a diplomatic function. It seems >that he was invited in his position as Ambassador at large from the >Klingon High Counsel. TOM: And because he makes that killer spiked punch, dude, wooooo! > I never expected him to ask me out. I thought, >if anything, I'd have to ask him out. CROW: And if he didn't accept, then I'd have used my royal station to have him beheaded. > As a Klingon, I don't think you could ever call Alex shy, but >Klingons are not exactly known for dating. TOM: D'oh! That's why those Vassar/Klinhasi U socials were so badly attended. >They tend to skip that. >Alex, may be a fourth human, MIKE: But the first three were all a bunch of drips, so... > but he's mostly Klingon, and tends to >follow their ways. CROW: Except for his annoying "I won't be a warrior" Routine... > However, I do see someone else's hand in this. TOM: [Michael Caine] Me hand! Me bloody, bloody hand! CROW: [Clara] Marrissa! Stop trying to type for me! >It seems that Queen Victoria wanted one of us to attend this function as >well. MIKE: This was part of the Queen's new "spread the suffering around" campaign. >However, my father has never attended such a function, and Commander >La Forge wants him to work on some weaponry upgrades that the Chief >of Security suggested. MIKE: [Clara] Though why Marrissa wants strawberry juice launchers installed is beyond me. TOM: So either he's a really dedicated and diligent chief engineer, or - CROW: Geordi still can't get a date. >As for that Chief of Security... CROW: [Clara] Her day's coming, mark my words! > It seems that >Marrissa has to attend some Intelligence briefing at that time. TOM: Gasp! Is Ratliff admitting that there might be something Marrissa doesn't know about? CROW: She's probably giving the briefing. > Marrissa does know about my crush on that "Klingon Kid" as >some of my less respecting classmates called him behind his back. TOM: They should refer to him as "forehead-gifted"! MIKE: Besides, the writers only give names to important characters, like the Blind Guy and the Counselor Babe. > I told her about it about the same time she admitted that she had a crush >on Jay... although I think it's much more than a crush. TOM: It's more of a suffocating death grip that threatens to choke Jay's very soul, but we've come to expect that from Marrissa. >Those two can complete each other's sentences. TOM: Do you remember... CROW: Wasn't that the one... TOM: Nonono, he had... CROW: And with... TOM & CROW: Parchesi! > Boy was Marrissa worried about it effecting her judgement. MIKE: Fortunately, it was just a simple case of cause and affect. >At the time, Jay was her Kid's Crew First Officer. TOM: Or as Jay calls it, his period of shame and doom. > She's never been in >any position which forced her to deal with her attraction, CROW: Except that one time when she was hyper-polarized. > but I think that >she'd probably do just about anything to save him. MIKE: Like appearing in lousy fanfics. TOM: Or besides giving up her power, but that probably goes without saying. > Speaking of Jay, the Independence will be in dock at Deep Space >Nine, starting two days after we arrive, and Marrissa's fourteenth >birthday is in four days... TOM: "Operation: Bastille Day" is coming together nicely > I think I better make some suggestions to >Jay. MIKE: Remember Jay, the woods at night are dark and deep, and you have promises to keep, and miles ago before you sleep. CROW: Be careful, Jay. Remember what happened to Rommel after that little bunker incident... TOM: Or like, "RUN, JAY!! RUN IF YOU VALUE YOUR NO-GOOD, STINKING LIFE!!" > What comes around, goes around. CROW: Payback's a bi- MIKE: Ahem! CROW: Um, big old bag of fun! > >Your Friend, TOM: [Clara] Though, unlike *some* friends I could name, not an imaginary one! > >Clara > >Personal Log >Jay Alan Gordon, CROW: Rodham Clinton... TOM: Michael Montgomery... MIKE: Ftang Ftang Ole Biscuitbarrel the Third > Lieutenant junior grade, Operations Officer USS >Independence > > I just got a strange call from Clara. MIKE: [Jay] She started babbling about a plot by the FDA to declare Lucky Charms was no longer part of a complete and balanced breakfast. >She wanted to remind me hat TOM: [Michael Caine] Me Hat!! Me bloody, bloo- MIKE: Okay, Tom, a little Michael Caine goes a long way. > Marrissa's birthday was Friday. I knew >that. TOM: After all, Admiral Picard sent out that Fleetwide memo about it. >I also know that the Enterprise and Independence will be at Deep Space >Nine together MIKE: In a desperate attempt to increase ratings. > for four days around that, assuming no emergency comes >up that needs either a Galaxy Class Starship or a Sovereign Class one. MIKE: But, unfortunately, since all the other ships in Starfleet guard the Earth-to-Vulcan mail run, the chances of such an emergency are pretty high. > Now, I like Marrissa and I do plan on giving her something for >her birthday. CROW: But those weak Federation bureaucrats said that Orion slave men were a no-no. > In fact I got a pair of antique amethyst earrings, >complete with a certificate of athenticacy, CROW: He bought 'em in Athens, then? TOM: Yeah - the flea market at Athens, Alabama! >the last time I was on Earth >to give to her. It's probably more than one expects to get from a >twelve almost thirteen year old friend MIKE: Heck, it's more than most 30 year women expect from 29 year old men. [Mike waves as the applause of the net.wives is heard inside the theater] TOM: Kissing up to the net.wives, Mike? MIKE: Better than being drawn and quartered by them. >(my birthday is just a month later than hers), MIKE: [Jay] So I'm hoping she'll return the favor and get me that "Tomb Raider LXXVII" Playstation cartridge I've been wanting! >but I really like Marrissa. CROW: [Jay] So, I'll try to buy her love. MIKE: Ah, Marrissa's mind control techniques are beginning to work. > And as a Lieutenant jg, I can afford it. CROW: Further proof Steve has no idea of what military salaries are like. TOM: Oh yeah, Lt JGs are just rooollling in money.... > I do hope Marrissa likes them. It would be a shame to spend all >that money and have my friend dislike my gift. MIKE: Cause, you know, then she'd behead me. >End Log. CROW: And flush. MIKE: Crow!! What's with you today? CROW: What? I'm talking about a memory flush after storing a log entry! Geez, Nelson, get yer mind outta the gutter! TOM: Let's scram... [O... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6...] [Mike is once again standing at the console, drinking a cup of coffee and reading a magazine. Crow frantically rushes in from stage right.] CROW: Mike! Mike! Mike! MIKE: What?!? What?!? What?!? CROW: Mike! Quick, follow me! Something horrible's happened! MIKE: What is it, Crow? Timmy's trapped at the bottom of Black Canyon and there's a flood coming? CROW: [Stops running around] Oh, hah hah, Mike! Yes, I try to warn you of impending danger, and you turn it into a Lassie joke. Well, boy-o, my contract's coming up for renewal soon, and I've heard that "Earth: Final Conflict" is looking for a robotic sidekick to help boost ratings. I may just jump ship, y'know! MIKE: Okay, calm down Crow. No need to make any drastic decisions CROW: Yeah, that's what I should do. "Why yes, Mr. Companion. I'll assist Boone in his duties." Or, "Yes, I can expel butterflies out of my mouth. Why do you ask?" MIKE: Crow? You had something to warn me about, remember? CROW: Huh? Oh yeah, that. Tom's gone over to the dark side. He's decided to join the fan club. MIKE: What?! Where is he? CROW: [Tilts head to the east side of the stage.] He's over there. [The camera pulls back to show the right hand side of the stage, where it appears a Nuremberg sized rally is going on. Huge posters of Ratliff can be seen behind the assembled multitude. Tom stands behind a podium in front of the assembled masses.] MIKE: Good Lord! CROW: Scary, huh? MIKE: Yeah, I never realized we had so much space over there. CROW: Well, they redecorated with muted colors, so it'd look bigger. MIKE: Muted colors? Hmm, that sounds like a good... What am I doing?!? We've got to save Tom! [Cheers erupt from the rally] CROW: Well, as long as Frasier and Wings don't erupt too, that's okay. [A bolt of lightning strikes Crow, who falls to the floor] CROW: OWWWW! MIKE: Don't riff the authors, Crow. [The rally. Tom is standing behind the podium, about to speak.] TOM: Fellow Ratliffians! Hello! We stand together today on the threshold of a bright new future. A future free of strife! A future full of hope! A future inspired by the works of Stephen Brian Ratliff! [More cheers, as well as a brief chant of "Ratliff!"] TOM: Let us look at the works of our hero for a moment. Consider the drama of his battle scenes. The pathos of the death of Marrissa's family. And Ensign Throwaway. And the Essex Royal Family. And Ross Lockard. And, of course, Ross Lochard. To me, the loss of both Rosses was almost too tragic to bear, but I still survived, with the help of dear Stephen. [Applause and cheers] LISA'S VOICE: Preach on, Brother Tom! NOEL'S VOICE: Love that Stephen! BERMAN'S VOICE: And watch Voyager, Wednesdays at se- [whack] OOOOFFF! TOM: Thank you. Who can forget the surge of emotion that we felt when we first saw the inscription on the defeated Gul Ducat's ship; "I was beaten by a bunch of kids"? Not I. [Applause] Or when Marrissa defeated the evil Romulans attacking her wedding? [More Applause] That's why it saddens me to report this grim news. Our leader and idol, Stephen Ratliff - is dead. [The crowd gasps. Some begin to cry. The scene switches back to Mike and Crow.] MIKE: What?!? Ratliff dead? When did this happen? Crow, do you remember hearing anything about Ratliff dying? CROW: [wearing a party hat & tossing confetti] Sorry, Mike, did you say something? MIKE: Apparently not. [Back at the rally, Tom signals to the crowd, attempting to bring them back into order.] TOM: No, no. Stephen wouldn't want us to be sad at the reports of his death. Just prior to his death he and I spoke, and he revealed to me his wondrous plan for the future. He said to me, "Tom, I want you to lead my followers if ever something befalls me." MIKE: [Burying his head in his hands] Oh no. TOM: "You'll find all of my teachings in this book, "Ratliffology". The two most important teachings are as follows: Children should lead us in all our endeavors. But the most important lesson is, "Obey the words of Tom Servo as if they were law. [rumblings can be heard from the crowd.] For Tom is all-wise and all-knowing. Just as Marrissa smote the evil Klingons and their Domination allies, Tom will smite those who do not follow him." [Pitchforks and torches appear at various points in the crowd. Mike and Crow rush on the stage towards Tom.] TOM: "So just as you follow the exploits of Marrissa, her brother Wendell Cruncher, Clarice, and what's-his-name, the son of Woof, you should follow Tom and obUMMPH" MIKE: [grasps Tom's mouth, shutting it] Sorry, sorry, false alarm. Go back to whatever you were doing. [To Crow] RUN!!!!! [The fan-fic light begins to flash, and Mike, Crow, and the bound Tom rush to the doors, followed by throngs of outraged Ratliff fans.] [6... 5... 4... 3... 2... O... ] [The trio enters] MIKE: "Ratliffology"?!? What were you thinking? TOM: I thought they'd fall for it. CROW: C'mon, Tom. Not even Ratliff fans are stupid enough to fall for *that*! A science fiction author *and* a religious leader. Sheesh! >Subject: Its been a while ... TOM: What does he mean? We just read one of his stories! MIKE: Yes, but if we go by the book, minutes seem like days. CROW: Is it too early to shout "Fanboy" yet? MIKE: Wait a few minutes. >From: sratliff@runet.edu (Stephen Ratliff) TOM: Sure, rub it in! >Date: 1997/08/18 >Message-Id: <5ta9ir$t5@newslink.runet.edu> >Newsgroups: rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc CROW: And they are...? MIKE: Recording Artist Transvestites with Mobile System Transports in a range of three kilometers with miscible feature? CROW: Yeah, you're probably right. > >It has been a while since I last posted here. I was going to follow-up >to the group MSTing of "Premier Maquis," MIKE: Marqui! TOM: Marquis! CROW: Macaroons! > but I had to go to my cousin >Kara's wedding at the time. CROW: [quietly] Um, you don't think that Ratliff's cousin is blonde and hails from Argo City, do you? TOM: YOU WILL BOW BEFORE ME, SON OF RATLIFF! > Well I finally got around to reading it >all, and I must compliment you all on your resourcefullness. CROW: Well, y'know - a drinking straw, a used Kleenex, some stale Diet Rite, a few McGuyver reruns, and anyone can make their own soap at home! > I don't >think you missed one opportunity in the whole work. The Host scenes >were well written as well. TOM: Host scenes? There was a party and we weren't invited?!? CROW: We never get to go anywhere fun! > >Now that I've patted the MSTers on the back, MIKE: MSTer Bojangles? TOM: MSTer Belvedere? CROW: Personally, I'd rather pat the MSTresses on the... MIKE: That's a good way to lose an arm! CROW: Hey, none better! > I'll recommend both >versions to everyone. MIKE: Regular and new extra-deadly! > My personall choice of the two is the shorter >one, but you all knew that. ALL: We knew that! > >Now for the usual announcements of evil :) MIKE: The remaining evil will go on sale for 75 cents a slice TOM: And with each evil purchased, you get a free :) > The revision of Battle For >Bajor has begun it's posting to ASC. CROW: I wonder if they print in ASC-II? TOM: Or if they paid their musical fees to ASC-AP! CROW: [giggling] I bet they all wear tastefully knotted ASC-ots! TOM: [snickering] Yeah, but they're all worn ASC-ance! MIKE: All right, now, that's enough of that! TOM: Sorry, Mike - but they were just ASCing for it!! BWAHAHAHAH!!! MIKE: [Puts head in hands] I knew I shoulda stood in bed this morning! > Less than 5% remains from the >original "A Gul's Revenge" CROW: Marrissa by-products? > and I will welcome anyone to try MSTing it. TOM: Does this mean we have to sit through it *again*?!? MIKE: It's starting to look that way, yeah. CROW: So Mike, why *does* the universe hate us? MIKE: I don't know. >Not that I'm asking for it, TOM: Even though he just kinda did. > but you all seem to do it anyway CROW: Of course we do them anyway! Forrester keeps sending them to us! WE DON'T HAVE A CHOICE IN THE MATTER! MIKE: Calm down, Crow, it could be worse. CROW: How?!? How could it possibly be any worse?!? MIKE: Coleman Francis could have made a *fourth* movie. >and the previous version's MSTing was insturmental in this revision. TOM: It was indrangmental in the revision too. > >A new Marrissa Story will be coming this fall. MIKE: To NBC's new "Must-She" Monday night line-up! > I just finished "All the >King's Horses" TOM: They were delicious! > At this time the dibs for that story is open. >(Eventhough the first part doesn't hit the net for another two months) CROW: "Eventhough"? Ratliff's starting to talk like Shatner. TOM: Wasn't "Eventhough" a song on "Ten"? >I ask who ever gets dibs on it to e-mail me for an advance copy. I >don't bite. TOM: Aw, you're no fun anymore! > >Now for a little fun. CROW: We're going to take the cast of "Real Life" and strand them on a desert island along with the Spice Girls. Watch the fun and guess who'll snap first. > A while back someone brought up crossover >attempts with anime in a post with my name in it. TOM: I believe the exact reference was "Gee, doesn't it seem like pre-teen girls are all-powerful in most anime?" "Oh, just like in a Ratliff story." > This inspired several >days of comments and a drawing on the web titled "Sailor Marrissa" CROW: Um... MIKE: It's the internet, Crow. The drawing's probably on the same webpage as those "Life of Christ as told through Legos" pictures. >That drawing inspired the following short. > MIKE: Thanks, whoever you are. >The challenge I'm offering is, I'm posting this to ratmm only. CROW: If we received it, then wasn't it posted to the internet? TOM: Gee, we should thank those people at Ratmm for forwarding it to us. MIKE: Who are these Ratmm people, and why does Ratliff keep mentioning them? > I have no >place for this in my Marrissa Stories at the moment and I am not likely >to. MIKE: So, Mr. "I've got a twelve year old saving the Federation from certain destruction" has found something that even he can't accept? > Your job MIKE: Mister Phelps, > is to MST this short in follow-ups to this article. TOM: If you fail in your mission, The Best Brains will disavow any knowledge of your existence. CROW: "Puppet show? We've never done a puppet show. All we've done is that Bloodhook movie." >Should you chose to accept this challenge, you will receive some mention >on the web somewhere. CROW: Probably the "Wired/Tired" list. > You also get the pleasure of downing 2 series at >once. TOM: [game show announcer] You also get this handsome set of Samsonite luggage; a complete set of the Encyclopedia Americana; and a year's supply of Turtlewax for your starship, shuttlecraft, or runabout! CROW: Which will promptly be blown up on the next episode of Voyager MIKE: Those are shuttlecraft, not runabouts. CROW: Well, they'd blow them up too, if they had them. > Now on with the show ... > >Marrissa as Sailor Moon in: >Moondusted TOM: [singing] Some walk by ni-i-i-ight, soo-o-ome fly by day... > > Three girls were seated at an outdoor restaurant in downtown >Tokyo. CROW: One left heading east at 40 mph, one went south at 50 mph, and one traveled northwest at 60 mph. Which one will escape from this fanfic first? > One, a short black, almost blue haired girl, was leafing through >a text book. TOM: "Nope. You're not in this one either, M." > Another, a long black haired girl, was staring at the >third, who was downing her second hamburger. TOM: Sailor James Garner! > "Serena, I don't know >how you are able to consume so much," the girl said to the blond with >twin pony tails. TOM: There are two steps, honey. Bingeing *and* purging. > "Either here or on the Enterprise. You are going to get fat." > "I'm a growing girl, Rea," Serena responded. > "Which way, up or out?" Rea returned. CROW: Meow. Hiss. Hiss. TOM: Mike, did Ratliff just make a sexual reference? MIKE: Yeah, yeah he did. TOM: Oh. [Short pause] ALL: AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! CROW: Ratliff's been possessed by Russ Myer! RUN!!! > "Excuse me, Serena," the short haired girl interrupted. TOM: Your cousin Samantha is here - she wants to know if you turned her husband Durwood into a woodchuck. > "Is it >normal for large numbers of people to suddenly collapse outside shopping >malls?" CROW: Sure. Haven't you ever heard of "shop till you drop?" > "Where Ami?" MIKE: You're in a bad piece of fanfiction. Our condolences. > a black cat with a crescent moon on her forehead >asked. > "Over there, Luna," Ami returned. A large number of adults had >collapsed with the hair of a strange maiden attached to their heads. CROW: Boy, that's *really* hard to manage hair! TOM: So, Ratliff's latest creation to allow youth to shine is hair that strangles only adults? MIKE: And we thought the Ratliff gas was silly. > "Scouts, it's time to transform," Luna ordered. CROW: [singing] More than meets the eye... > "Right," Rea said holding up her transformation wand. "Mars >Power Makeup." TOM: Mars power! That's the cry of the Mrrrs Grrrls. > Rea goes though the typical transformation sequence, >turning into Sailor Mars. > "Mercury Power Makeup," Ami said, raising her wand TOM: Whoops. Wrong gender for THAT sexual imagery, Steve. >beginning the transformation into Sailor Mercury. TOM: Actually, she turns into Sailor Mercury Premier Grand Ma(r)qui(s) CROW: Geez, Tommy, you're gonna sprain something if you're not careful! > Lastly, Serena raised her wand and shouted, "Moon Power Makeup." >She also began her transformation to Sailor Moon. MIKE: And the crowd goes wild. ALL: [dully] Ya-a-a-ay. > The sequences finished, they began to run toward the scene of >the attack. Suddenly a voice interrupted them, "Red Alert, MIKE: Damned Soviet tank rush. Grr..... >all hands to battle stations. Lieutenant Picard, report to the bridge." >It was Commander Riker. CROW: ...who slew the evil Yogo Junzo, and soon became the Emperor of Rokugan. > "Computer save program and exit," Serena, also known as >Lieutenant Marrissa Picard ordered. "We better get to stations, Clara. >T'Luv, I hope we'll be able to continue later." MIKE: T'Luv? Who's T'Luv? TOM: Hey, what's *not* T'Luv? BWAHAHAHAHAHAH! CROW: Mike - let's kill him MIKE: Uh-uh - that may be just what he wants > "I will be here," MIKE: [singing] Yah Mo Be There. BOTS: [singing] Up and over... > Ami responded as Marrissa and Clara rushed out >of the holodeck, still in their sailor scout customs. CROW: And we must respect their customs and traditions. > > Marrissa rushed on to the bridge, still attired in her sailor >scout outfit. TOM: Groowwwl. MIKE: Tom, that's *Marrissa* that you're talking about. TOM: AAAIIIIIEEE! [Tom's head begins to smoke.] > She took over Tactical MIKE: ...as the first step in her plan to RULE THE UNIVERSE!!! >and quickly read the status display. Two Romulan Warbirds had >decloaked in front of the Enterprise-E MIKE: So, even in the 24th century, they still can't stop flashers? >and had weapons charged. TOM: At nine and a quarter percent, not counting late fees. > Her father asked, "Open hailing frequencies, Lieutenant." MIKE: And what was the answer? CROW: "Who are you?" he plainly stated. >A Romulan Admiral appeared on screen. "This is Captain Jean-Luc Picard >of the Starship Enterprise. What brings you to Federation space, Admiral >Parvick?" CROW: [Parvick] This big honking ship, you idiot! I demand you hand over all of that refreshing beverage known as Surge! > "I'm in Federation Space, I didn't know," the Romulan smiled. TOM: He must not have noticed the aura of goodness surrounding the Federation. CROW: Or the "Speed Limit: Warp 5" signs. > "Do you need assistance?" Picard asked. TOM: [Picard] Take my daughter - please! > "No thank you Captain. I can find my way home," the Romulan >said. "I see Star Fleet has changed uniforms for it's females again." MIKE: Must be time for another movie. > All eyes turned to the only female on the bridge at the moment, >Marrissa. ALL: D'OH! TOM: Jeez. The stooges wouldn't have even fallen for that one. > Marrissa however, had her eyes on her display. She caught >signs of the warbird's impeding phaser discharge, MIKE: Oops! Well, that kind of blockage happens to Romulan ships unless they get lots of roughage. > and muted the channel, >calling out, "They're opening fire." CROW:... said Marrissa, stealing a line, and negating Sister State-the- Obvious' only reason for being in the story. >Moments later the channel closed >and the Enterprise rocked under the phaser impact. TOM: Enterprise - the rockinest' ship in the quadrant! > "Evasive maneuvers, CONN," TOM: CCCOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!! Heh. That one never gets old. >Picard ordered. "Tactical, fire phasers, ready photons." MIKE: "Okay. Photons, ready phasers, fire tactical. [beat] D'oh!" TOM: Wait a minute! The Enterprise-E fires *Quantum* torpedoes. CROW: Fan boy. TOM: Take that back! CROW: Make me. MIKE: Keep it up and you'll be out there listening to "Ode to Ratliff." BOTS: We'll be good. > Phasers lanced out from the Enterprise-E. The Romulan warbird >took them straight on and returned fire. Another round came from the >Enterprise, coupled with quantum torpedoes. CROW: Boy, Ratliff's pouring a lot of sexual imagery into this one. TOM: [Hrumph] And quantum torpedoes aren't even the Enterprise's type. >The phasers hit the warbird in the front, while the torpedoes impacted on >each side. > "Romulan shields down," Marrissa reported. "They are asking for >a conditional surrender." MIKE: [Churchillian] Never! We shall fight Romulans on the beaches! We shall fight them on the shore! TOM: Shouldn't we just fight them on Romulus? > "There conditions?" Picard asked. CROW: No. There wolf. >"Safe passage back to Romulus." TOM: So some hot-shot Romulan admiral just wanders over the neutral zone and casually appears in front of the most powerful ship in the Federation, hoping for a random fashion faux pas to distract the bridge crew with so he can destroy them? MIKE: C'mon, Tom, you know the only thing dumber than a Ratliff Federation adult is a Ratliff non-Federation adult! >"They may have it, if they dump there phaser core," CROW: No, there phaser core, there conditions, there wolf... >Captain Picard said. "And Marrissa, what are you doing in MIKE: [Picard] ...Charge of the weapons console? You should be in your 9th grade Civics class right now, shouldn't you? > that ridiculous >outfit. That skirt is way to short." > "Yes, Lieutenant, I can almost see..." Commander Riker began. BOTS: HEY!!! MIKE: Oh, yuck! I need a shower now! CROW: I need my eyes ripped out now! TOM: [Sobbing] Mike, make him stop... MIKE: Jeez. I never thought that I'd be reading a story where Ratliff's acting worse than you two. > "That will be enough, Commander," Picard said. "Well, Lieutenant?" > "I was taking some recreation on the holodeck, per Counselor >Troi's recommendation," MIKE: So, y'think Troi was hoping for another holodeck malfunction? > Marrissa said. "This is Sailor Moon's custom CROW: Great! Let me hit the duty-free shop before we go through the line. >from the late twentieth century Japanese Animated program of that name. >I didn't have time to change. MIKE: [Marrissa] So we couldn't play "Ranma 1/2", and this was the only other one I knew, and... > Red Alert requires immediate response." > "Sailor Moon," Riker said. "I believe I know of the program. >Any openings?" TOM: Great, Riker's got a Sailor Moon fetish. There's something I really wanted to picture. >"Only as villains," Marrissa replied. MIKE: ME! CROW: I'll do it! TOM: PLEASE! PLEASE! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, PICK ME! > "And that can be totally anonymous. I don't know who's playing Tuxedo >Mask, but the computer says it's taken." MIKE: I think it's some penguin. CROW: [Tennessee Tuxedo] Come along, Chumley! > > After things had quieted down, Marrissa was dismissed, leaving >Commander Riker and Captain Picard to talk. "So Commander, are you >planning on taking a villainous role." MIKE: [Riker] Well, I've got this identical twin, and one of us has to be evil, so I figured, why not me? > "If Jadeite isn't taken, yes," Riker said. "But you better >worry about who is playing Tuxedo Mask. He's the man Sailor Moon is >destined to marry." BOTS: NOOOOOO!!!!! TOM: He's going to make us re-read "A Royal Wedding" too! > "She's too young to be the target of a man's affections," Picard >responded. "She's only fourteen." MIKE: It's Steven Ratliff's "Lolita". > "You must have missed all of the young ensigns staring at her >when she came back from last week's diplomatic reception on Starbase 47 >for the new Klingon Ambassador," Riker said. MIKE: [Picard] Yes, I missed them. My sights kept throwing my shots off to the left. > "They were almost fighting over who could ask her if she needed >directions, before she yelled at Ensign Finn CROW: It's Cadet Finnegan, Commander Finney, and Ensign Finn in "The Star Fleet Fish Police"! > for not paying attention to >orders. It wasn't until she told him to report to her office at 0800 hours >that they realized that she was Chief of Security." > > "That is worrisome," Picard said, TOM: [Picard] At the rate she's advancing through the ranks, she'll be commander of Starfleet by the time that she's 25. Heh. Like that would ever happen. >checking something on his console. CROW: [Picard] Nope. I forgot to install that Tantalus device again. > "I don't need to worry about Tuxedo Mask though. I just put >you down for Jadeite though, MIKE: Jean-Luc Picard. MUD sysop. >so you better get down to the holodeck. >You're up in fifteen minutes when they resume." CROW: Sir! The Borg, the Dominion, and the Klingons are all attacking! TOM: [Picard] Never mind that, Commander - we have an RPG to get to! > > Marrissa, Clara, and T'Luv gathered outside of Holodeck, >readying to resume their program. They were still dressed in their >Sailor Scout outfits. T'Luv had her visor down. CROW: She's trolling for Geordi! > "How did you design >this, Clara?" T'Luv asked. "It's more comprehensive than a tricorder." TOM: It's tricorder EXXXTTTTTTTRRRRREEEEEMMMEEEEE!!!!! > "I designed it so it could replace the tricorder," Clara said. >"A no hands device would be an advantage." > "How did you get the holodeck to change our outfits?" T'Luv asked. MIKE: [Clara] By running that new program, "ARMANI-1" > "Transporter effects," Clara said. "I can actually do most of >the transformation outside the holodeck." > "Fascinating." TOM: [T'Luv] I'm a Vulcan, and you've managed to bore even *me*! > "That's Clara. Give her a challenge and let her go," Marrissa >began. "I'm beginning to think she's a miracle worker." MIKE: No, Scotty's a miracle worker. Clara's only got ENGINEERx2 on her card. > "That's one definition of a Engineer," Clara responded. TOM: Another is "Person with no social life." CROW: Hey! We all brought bananas for lunch again! >"I'm not that good yet though." > "I'm willing to give you time," Marrissa said. "Shall we go, >Ladies." > > Commander Riker sauntered into the waiting room inside the >holodeck. CROW: Yeah, I think "saunter" is pretty much the right word for Riker. Wesley Crusher was there, adjusting the bow-tie on his >tuxedo. MIKE: Okay, let's get this out of the way. ALL: SHUT UP WESLEY! > "Wes, I didn't know you were on board,"Riker said. TOM: [Riker] Damn proximity alarms failed again. > "I told my Mom and the Captain," Wes said. "For some reason, >the Traveler thought that playing this game with Marrissa was important. CROW: [Wesley] I *think* he said it was this game. It might have been "Uno" - you can never tell with the Traveler, he mumbles so much! TOM: HOLD IT! Wesley is playing Tuxedo Mask, who Sailor Moon is destined to marry? That means that Marrissa is going to marry - *Wesley*?!? [Tom's head begins to smoke.] MIKE: Calm down, Tom. CROW: Think of their kids. [Tom's head explodes with a BOOM] MIKE: You did that on purpose. CROW: Hee hee hee! [Mike reaches under his seat and begins to replace Tom's head.] >Who are you playing?" MIKE: "The Packers, of course." CROW: Whoo-hoo! PACKERS WIN, PACKERS WIN!!! > "Jadeite," Riker responded. CROW: So the number one leisure activity of the 24th Century is "Sailor Moon" roleplaying?!? MIKE: Number four, actually. Right after Ballroom Dancing, thinking up new ways to enforce the Prime Directive, and "Scattergories". > "You're uniform is over there," Wesley remarked. "I can't wait >to see how Mom does a Queen Beryl." MIKE: No comments about Crusher "doing" anyone, okay? CROW: Spoilsport. [Mike finishes the reassembly of Tom's head. Tom turns to face Crow.] TOM: You realize, of course, this means war. CROW: Hey, you got to miss the story. It's nearly over. TOM: Really? Oh, well, thank you, Crow!! > "Some how I can't see the Doctor playing an evil queen," Riker >responded. TOM: Yeah. Was Picardo even in "To Wong Foo... ?" > "She's got the hair," Wesley said. "And she use to tell me that >the best doctors were also actors." CROW: [Wes] Then again, she used to tell me that sticking my hand in boiling water was a quite pleasant experience. She also believed "Chicago Hope" was a documentary." TOM: Hey! This isn't even close to over yet! Crow! CROW: Hee hee hee! > Sailors Mars, Mercury, and Moon entered the range of the monster MIKE: It's the Sailor Squad in Hansel and Gretel. >whose long hair was draining the energy from a large number of people. CROW: Crystal Gayle, no! >The Monster looked up at the approaching threesome and asked, "Who are >you?" TOM: WHOOOOOOOOO AAAAAAAAAAAAARE YOUUUUUUUUUUUUU????????? CROW: We are the Three Amigos! MIKE: Hello, I'm Herb Patterson, and I'd like to speak to you about your life insurance needs. > Sailor Moon began her speech, "I am Sailor Moon," > "Sailor Mercury..." > "and Sailor Mars ..." MIKE: I'm Sailor Grayson! CROW: Sailor We-Made-It! TOM: And Sailor Trantor! > "We're the Sailor Scouts champions of Love and Justice," Sailor >Moon continued. "Together we will right wrongs and triumph over evil. ALL: Huzzah! >And that means you." MIKE: [Marrissa] Oh, and Doug Herzog too. But that goes without saying. > "Oh really," the monster responded, launching her hair towards >the dodging girls. TOM: Okay, that's four people with Living Hair. Someone update the stat. > After a few minutes of dodging hair, the girls began to tire. > "Dodging this hair is tough," Mercury remarked. > "I don't think I can dodge it much longer," Moon moaned. CROW: Then try the new Dodge! MIKE: This Changes Everything! > On cue, a red rose shot by, implanting itself between the scouts >and the monster. The man who had thrown it was standing on a fruit >stand, CROW: ...which was instantly hit by the participants of a car chase. > his cape blowing in the wind. TOM: [singing] Come and hear the mu-u-u-usic of the night... > "Scouts, don't give up," he said. MIKE: [singing, falsetto] 'Cause you have friends... > Sailor Moon sighed, "Tuxedo Mask." TOM: [Jim Carrey] Ooooooh, somebody stop me!!! > "When hair first gets in your way, you brush it away," he >continued CROW: [Tuxedo] But remember, 40 strokes. > "Eventually, you do have to cut it." MIKE: Combat advice by Mr. Tuxedo of Beverly Hills. > "Right," Sailor Mars said. She began calling upon her powers, >"Mars Fire Ignite." A ball of flame shot out from Mars's hands and hit >the monster, performing a crude haircut. CROW: Which she charged $125 for. TOM: Yeah, and the other sailor scouts had to wait on the runway until she was done! > "You're turn Sailor Moon." CROW: "No, I'm human Sailor Moon. Tern Sailor Moon has wings and a beak." > Sailor Moon pulled herself out of her staring at Tuxedo Mask, >"What, right," she began. She reached up for her tiara and said, "Moon >Tiara Magic." She tossed her tiara at the beast like a Frisbee. MIKE: Unfortunately, a small dog caught it and returned it to her. >It impacted the monster, turning it to dust. "Moon dusted." CROW: Hence, the name of this piece of luna-cy! TOM: Hmm. I guess the "It's a Moon-ka-bob" line didn't test well. > Suddenly a man in a Negaverse General's outfit appeared >floating. CROW: Hey, it's that whatsisname guy from "Dune"! > "I see you defeated my monster. Well there are more where >they came from." He vanished. CROW: Lord Zedd? TOM: Or Witchie-Poo. > "I must go as well," Tuxedo Mask said. "Remember Scouts, trust >yourselves and you can win." > "He's so cute," Sailor Mars said. TOM: It's Wesley! [His head begins to smoke and shake.] CROW: Methinks that Mars has a co-dependency problem. > "I saw him first," Sailor Moon responded. Sailor Mercury looked >up to the sky, wondering why she put up with them. MIKE: Cause everybody's crazy about a sharp dressed man? >That's all folks ... TOM: Thankfully. Unfortunately, we still have the fan club to deal with...[They leave.] [O... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6...] [The bridge is empty. After a moment, Mike, Tom and Crow cautiously peer up from behind the control console.] CROW: They're not here. [The three stand up.] MIKE: Whew. I don't think I could've survived another "Tribute to Ratliff." I wonder where they went? TOM: They're probably building a mile high statue of Steve on the ship's hull. MIKE: Don't give them any ideas. [Gypsy wanders in] MIKE: Hey Gypsy? Where'd the fan club run off to? GYPSY: Oh, they're burning Tom in effigy down in the cargo bay. MIKE: Well, as long as they're doing something constructive. CROW: A Marrissa/ Sailor Moon crossover. Ratliff is sinking to a new low. TOM: Well, not really. Even in his earliest stories, Stephen has used characters from a wide variety of sources in his stories. Enterprized, for example, used Spock in it. And A Gul's Revenge had Marrissa teaming up with the DS9 people. And Time Speeder had Bill and Chelsea in it. MIKE: Don't remind us - brrr! TOM: I'm just surprised that it took him this long to crossover with characters outside of Star Trek. CROW: Yeah, you're right! Just look at the crossovers that he's missing out on. He could team Marrissa up with Mulder and Scully. She'd find out the truth behind the conspiracy, arrest Cancer Man, and bring Earth into an alliance with the aliens! And that's just before the first commercial break! TOM: Or he could team Marrissa up with the Star Wars crew. You think that you need an X-Wing to blow up a Death Star? Pshaw. Marrissa could do it with a hairpin and a pencil. CROW: Heck, he doesn't even need to keep her in science fiction. She could team up with the cast from Friends. She'd patch up Ross and Rachel's relationship in a second, and get the other four married off, too. TOM: I thought that Ross and Marrissa were a couple. CROW: D'oh! TOM: Marrissa in Apocalypse Now! "Cardassia. I can't believe I'm back in Cardassia." CROW: Her name was Marrissa Flores Kane... TOM: Who is Keyzer Soze? Marrissa! CROW: It's the Dread Pirate Marrissa! MIKE: Um, guys... TOM: Or he could put her in books too! "Marrissa's Game!" Remember, the enemy gate is down. CROW: Marrissa Flores on Basilisk Station! TOM: Bugs, Ms. Flores! Zillions of them! CROW: Marrissa in Dune! "My name is a killing word." MIKE: Guys... TOM: Marrissa is Maverick in Top Gun 2! CROW: Her name is Bond. Marrissa Bond. MIKE: Guys... TOM: Marrissa is the secret third Summers sibling! CROW: Marrissa's the twelfth member of the JLA! MIKE: GUYS! [The bots become quiet.] You do realize that Ratliff will probably use all of those ideas, and we'll have to read them, right? [The bots are silent for a moment. Then ...] BOTS: AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! [The fan-fic sign begins to flash.] MIKE: [staring at the light] Why?!? Why couldn't you have flashed before they started talking? [He hits the light. The usual panic ensues.] [6... 5... 4... 3... 2... O ...] [Mike & the Bots enter] MIKE: You guys are scary sometimes. TOM: It's our job. >Date: Sat, 12 Jul 1997 20:34:49 -0600 CROW: Umm, wouldn't "-0600" be, like, 6:00 PM the previous evening MIKE: Ratliff operates on Antimatter Daylight Savings Time >From: sratliff@runet.edu ALL: Hi, Stephen! >Subject: NEW Nothing Like A 1/1 TOS (showtune) MIKE: Y'know, it's true - there's *nothing* like a 1/1 TOS TOM: I'm not sure whether I should rejoice that there's no Kids' Crew in this, or shudder at the word "showtune" >Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative >Message-ID: <868757351.14571@dejanews.com> >Organization: Deja News Usenet Posting Service >X-Article-Creation-Date: Sun Jul 13 01:29:14 1997 GMT TOM: He created this article Sunday morning, but posted it Saturday night? MIKE: See? Antimatter Daylight Savings Time! CROW: Does that mean Steve's getting younger and younger? TOM: He's a one-man kids' crew. >X-Originating-IP-Addr: 137.45.10.104 (ruppp104.runet.edu) >X-Http-User-Agent: Mozilla/3.01 (Win95; I) TOM: Followed by "Win95 II: The Quickening", "Win95 III: The Quest for Peace", and "Win95 IV: Jason Takes Redmond" >X-Authenticated-Sender: sratliff@runet.edu >Lines: 180 >Status: N > >Title: There is Nothing Like A Dame MIKE: Well, look on the bright side, guys - at least all the titles were spelled correctly. CROW: Cold comfort, Mike. TOM: Beneath that veneer lies a horror so deep, so dark, so all- pervasive that it can reach into a man's soul and sear the heart from the bosom in one quick stroke! MIKE: Feeling a bit dark today, are we? TOM: Actually, I was looking for a way to work the word "bosom" into the conversation. MIKE: That would have been my second guess. >Author: Stephen Ratliff (sratliff@runet.edu) TOM: Inventor of the world-famous "Speel CHekcur". >Series: TOS TOM: This fall on NBC, a hard hitting new series about the men and women who fight to keep AOL free of profanity: TOS. MIKE: And be sure to visit the "official" website on the Microsoft Network, "MS-TOS". >Rating: [G] TOM: "G" for "Good Gravy, Now What?!?" MIKE: Just like a Disney film. CROW: So there'll be singing and animated sidekicks in it? >Summary: "There is Nothing Like a Dame" from South Pacific added to >"Trouble With Tribbles" [Stunned silence] TOM: Okay, "shudder" it is! CROW: I WAS KIDDING! [breaks down sobbing] I was...just... kidding... about... the... singing... [sobs] MIKE: [pats Crow] It's okay, Crow. > >Disclaimer: Star Trek is oh holy Paramount's, TOM: [singing] Oh, holy Paramount, your Trek franchise is slipping... > which insists that we give >our first born child to them, TOM: I doubt Ratliff will have the opportunity to fulfill that one. [Angered shouts can be heard outside the theater] CROW: I think you annoyed the fan club with that one... [Silhouettes carrying torches enter the theater] TOM: I-I-I-I meant that he couldn't give them his first born because he's, he's not a female! [The silhouettes slowly leave the theater.] TOM: Whew. That was close. CROW: Keep that up and you'll be sitting on someone's desk, full of Rainblo. > but we won't fault them for that. MIKE: Just for gross insensitivity and rampant greed. > "Trouble with Tribbles" was written by David Gerrold, may we all >have as much success. MIKE: Unfortunately, Dave's changed his next book's title to "A Method for Marrissa," so that success isn't assured. TOM: That must have made him thousands of dollars! CROW: *Hundreds* of thousands of dollars! MIKE: One million, seven hundred seventy-one thousand, five hundred and sixty one dollars! TOM & CROW: Fa-a-a-an Boy! Fa-a-a- MIKE: Ah, stuff it! > "There is Nothing Like a Dame" is from Rodgers and Hammerstein's >_South_Pacific_. CROW: As opposed to Dharma & Greg's _South_Pacific_. > The perversions of those works within are Stephen >Ratliff's MIKE: At least he's honest about it. > >Copyright 1997 Stephen Ratliff CROW: Sorry, Tarantino, Ratliff got to it first! > >Permission to archive in the ASC Archive is granted. All others ask >first. TOM: The line forms back here. > >Author's Note: > This idea has been floating around in my head since I started MIKE: Hearing the voices. >revising A Royal Wedding. I just had to wash this idea right out of my >hair. CROW: He's going to put every song title from that musical in this story, isn't he? TOM: At least he's not casting them in Grease. > I mean no disrespect to Star Trek, CROW: That's our job. > David Gerrold, or Rodgers and >Hammerstein, but this was just too good of an idea. MIKE: This is, of course, an alternative, little used definition of the word 'good'. > You'll note that >several words are misspelled though out the piece CROW: So, a typical day at Radford U, then? MIKE: Yeah, pretty much. > and the language used by >Kirk and Spock is not what you'd usually expect from them. TOM: It's an obscure Alsatian dialect of low German? MIKE: Or maybe they sound like they're actually...Acting! ALL: GASP! > That's the >effect of taking "There is Nothing Like a Dame" and giving it to them >instead of the Sailors, Marines, and Soldiers who sing it in >_South_Pacific_. CROW: Oh no - if this is a musical, and it stars these two, that means - then - then - [All gulp] > I particularly want to disassociate TOM: My consciousness from my corporeal body and become one with the wholeness of the universe! Dude! > the spelling of >perfume as puifume, CROW: Um, would that be pronounced "piffume"? TOM: "Pwefume"? CROW: "Pooey-foom"? TOM: "Piffle"? > and the heavy use of ain't. Blame that on Rogers TOM: Who went casual and left his "d" home today. >and Hammerstien MIKE: Hammerstein! CROW: [Gene Wilder] That's "Hammerstien"! > Now on with the show... > >Stephen Ratliff TOM: Hi, my name's "Stephen", and I'll be your torturer for today. > > > >Commander Koloth in CROW: "The Klingon Who Went Into a Fanfic and Came Out Beaten By a Bunch of Kids!" > >There is Nothing Like A Dame CROW: Isn't that "There ain't Nothing Like a dame?" > >Also Starring ... TOM: Steve Buscemi, MIKE: Harry Dean Stanton, CROW: And Chief Sammy as "Zabu"! > > Captain James T. Kirk TOM: Last seen entering the Nexus with a bottle of cheap Romulan Ale and Kathryn Janeway's phone number. MIKE: Hey, Kirk's billed second? This must be revenge for Star Trek V. > Commander Spock MIKE: In Search Of... a vocal coach. > >Co-Starring... > Mister Lurry CROW: With the fringe on top. MIKE: Ouch! > Krax and Mog, Klingon aides ALL: Mog? Son of Nog? CROW: Great, it's a DS9 crossover too. > Yeoman Rand CROW: And her amazing trained hairweave! TOM: Wasn't she already gone by "Trouble with Tribbles"? MIKE: Just because you didn't see her didn't mean she wasn't there. TOM: Revisionist! > >Based on MIKE: A short story by Joyce Carol Oates? CROW: A script outline by Warren Oates? TOM: A song by Daryl Hall & John Oates? > Trouble with Tribbles by David Gerrold > and "There is Nothing Like a Dame" From Rodgers and Hammerstein's > _South_Pacific_ CROW: Did that just say what I thought it did? MIKE: Yep. CROW: Are we in Hell(TM), Mike? MIKE: Yep. > >By Stephen Ratliff CROW: So this is Stephen Ratliff's David Gerrold's Rodgers & Hammerstein's "There is Nothing Like a Tribble"? TOM: Or is it Steven Ratcliff's Rogers & Hammerstien's Davad Gerald's "The Trouble with Dames"? MIKE: Either way, it's still gotta be better than Francis Ford Coppola's Bram Stoker's "Dracula". > >Captain's Log Stardate 4524.2 ALL: Hike! > >A Klingon warship is hovering only a hundred kilometers off Deep Space >Station K-7 while its Captain waits in the station manager's office. TOM: Come on. I know my keys are around here somewhere... MIKE: Meanwhile, Worf and Odo sit in the bar, waiting for a time paradox. > >[Kirk and Spock enter to join Mister Lurry, Koloth and his two aides Korax TOM: 20-Mule Team Korax? >and Mog] CROW: He's his own best friend! > >Koloth: My dear Captain Kirk, MIKE: Yes, Koloth sweetie darling? > let me assure you that my intentions are >peaceful. CROW: [Koloth] I only engage in non-violent sabotage. > As I have explained to Mister Lurry, the purpose of my presence >is to invoke TOM: The Taft-Hartley Act. > shore leave rights. > >Kirk: Shore Leave? MIKE: Yeah, Shore Leave. Remember? You got chased around by Finnegan and McCoy got offed by a knight? > >Koloth: Captain- Klingons are not as CROW: Interesting as Rick Berman thinks they are. > luxury minded as Eathers. CROW: Eather-Or? MIKE: Eather Bunny? TOM: Eather Bonnet, with all the fringe upon it? > We do not >equip our ships with certain non-essentials. MIKE: Like beds, toilets, basic cable... TOM: They were hardy explorers. CROW: "Hardy" in the sense of being dumber than dirt? TOM: Pretty much. > >Korax: [begining to sing] TOM: [singing] Oh Fab, I'm glad, there's lemon-freshened Korax in you! > We got starlight on the bow > We got moonlight to the port MIKE: And Bud Lite in the fridge. > >Mog: We got bloodwine and living gagh CROW: Gee, worm soufflé, how nice. > You can pick us off the floor MIKE: Or you can use new Miracle Didi 7! Gets stubborn Klingons off the floor without picking, scratching or scraping. > >Korax: We got targ fights and daggers CROW: [singing] ...and ships with dilithium, white gleaming canines and warm woolen mittens... > And lots of deadly games TOM: [Klingon] You have landed on Marvin Gardens, and I have a hotel there! Pay me, you *p'takh!* MIKE: [Klingon] My honor is insulted! I will pay you nothing! TOM: Then YOU AND YOUR THIMBLE MUST DIE!! > >Koloth: [Commanding Tone] What ain't we got. TOM: A spell checker? CROW: A sense of plot or pacing? MIKE: A sense of the absurd? TOM: [Singing] You ain't got rhythm! You ain't got music! You ain't got your girl! Who could ask for anything less? > >Korax and Mog: We ain't got dames > >Mog: We get packages from home ALL: EWW-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W!!!!! > >Mister Lurry: We get movies we get shows TOM: You too, huh? MIKE: They should really just relax. > >Korax: We get speeches from our skipper TOM: Alan Hale Jr. *IS* Kahless! > >[Koloth glares at Korax] > >Kirk: CROW: NO-O-O-O-O!!!! SHATNER'S GONNA SING!!!!! TOM: [sobbing] Somebody hold me, please!!! MIKE: Oh, Stephen, I take back everything I ever said about Marrissa, just please, please, *please* don't let him - > And advice from High Command ALL: ARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! >[Kirk and Koloth share a grin] TOM: Apparently because they're both into torture!! > >Mog: We get letters doused wit' puifume. CROW: Oh - "Poifume". TOM: So it's a misspelled misspelling, then. MIKE: Let's not get *too* picky. > >Mister Lurry: We get dizzy from the smell. MIKE: Oh, that's me. I had fried eggs for breakfast, sorry. > >Koloth: [Loudly] What don't we got? MIKE: Rhythm? TOM: Riches? CROW: Ridges? > >Everyone but Spock: You know damn well. TOM: [Singing] When you cast your spell, you'll get your - MIKE: Now see, you're just encouraging them! > >Koloth: We have nothing to put on a clean white suit for. TOM: Robert Palmer *is* Ray Walston *as* Koloth. > What we nee CROW: [Pythonian voice] We *are* the Klingons who say "Nee"! > is what there ain't no substitute for. > >Everyone but Spock: [Spock is beginning to find the tune infectious] TOM: Oh Lord, he's coming down with it, too! MIKE: C'mon, Leonard, fight the urge to sing! Fight it!! > There is nothin' like a dame > Nothing in the world... CROW: In this case, Sherman's Planet. > There is nothin' you can name > That is anything like a dame MIKE: Well, silent E can change a dam, alakazam, into a dame. CROW: Yeah, but my friend Sam? Stayed just the same. > > Nothin' else is built the same > Nothin' in the world CROW: [Singing] Wooorld, shut your mouth, shut your mouth... > Has the soft and wavy frame > Like the silhouette of a dame TOM: So what's the Klingon word for 'dame'? MIKE: *Zh'NokDor'Wegh'p'p'p'ZRAqDan*. TOM: Could you spell that? MIKE: Not even if my life depended on it! > >Spock: [To the surprise of everyone else] MIKE: Not to mention the unadulterated horror of the listening audience. > There is absolutely nothin' like the frame of a dame TOM: [Spock] Bitter Dregs. CROW: I had a feeling that would pop up sooner or later. MIKE: At least it explains why Spock has "Stew Pot" scribbled on his uniform shirt. TOM: Yes, Nimoy and Shatner *both* singing - yet another sign of the approaching apocalypse! > >[Yeoman Rand enters carrying a PADD. TOM: [Rand] Captain, do you ever get that not-so-fresh feeling? > The Klingons whistle the melody. >Kirk signs the PADD CROW: Oh, he would! > and she exits via another door] > >Koloth: That's one beautiful Dame. Wish I could see more of her. CROW: Go to www.nudetrek.com. [The others stare at Crow.] What? MIKE: I think I need to re-install Surf Watch on that computer > >Mister Lurry: She'll be back TOM: Yeoman Rand will be back in "Where Have All the Captains Gone?"! > >Koloth: Oh? > >Mister Lurry: That's the door to Storage. ALL: D'OH!!! > >Kirk: So a dame ain't brite. TOM: Or Tide, or Cheer, or Wisk, or... > Or completely free of flaws MIKE: [Singing] They met her in a club down in Romulus, where they drink bloodwine, and it tasted just like Coca-Cola - C-o-l-a, cola... > >Korax: Or as faithful as a pet targ TOM: Cause happiness is a warm pet targ. > >Mister Lurry: Or as kind as Santa Clause BOTS: [singing] So Hooray for Santy Claus! > >Spock: It's a waste of time to worry > Over things they have not > >Mog: Be thankful for ... MIKE: Mel Brooks? > >Everyone:... The things they got CROW: [singing] They've got leeeggggsss... > >[Yeoman Rand re-enters the room and exits the right door. MIKE: Unfortunately, the right door lead to the *other* storage room. BOTS: Waaah-waaah-waaah. > Even Spock whistles the melody] ALL: [Whistle the "Colonel Bogey March" from "Bridge on the River Kwai"] > >Everyone: There is nothin' that you can name > That is anythin' like a dame > There are no books like a dame > >Spock: That I can confirm MIKE: [Spock] They're pure energy. TOM: Why is he singing this? It hasn't been seven years since his last pon farr, has it? CROW: Maybe it's the spores. MIKE: Maybe it's Mariette Hartley. CROW: Maybe it's Jim Garner. MIKE & TOM: Huh?!? > >Everyone: There no drinks like a dame CROW: A Bloody Mary? TOM: A Margarita? MIKE: A Shirley Temple? [Crow & Servo snicker] > >Koloth: Bloodwine come close MIKE: Close to what? The edit? BOTS: Tra-la-la. > >Everyone: And nothin' thinks like a dame MIKE: [singing] Stuuupid girl... BOTS: [singing] Ah, ah... > >Kirk: Or so Bones tells me. TOM: [McCoy] Dammit, Jim, I'm a doctor, not a dame! > >Everyone: Nothing acts like a dame ALL: Or Shatner! > >Koloth: My wife proves that every day MIKE: Well, what have you done for her lately? > >Everyone: Or attracts like a dame. TOM: Good heavens, Ms. Yakimoto! You're beautiful! > >Mister Lurry: At least to Captain Kirk MIKE: Yep, a couple of verses of "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds", and they're eating right out of his hand. > >Everyone: There ain't a thing wrong that's wrong with anyone here > That can be cured by puttin' him near TOM: Then why bother? > A girly, womanly, female, feminine, dame MIKE: So, to sum up - dames. > >-------------------==== Posted via Deja News ====----------------------- > http://www.dejanews.com/ Search, Read, Post to Usenet MIKE: Yes, your entire posting history, right there for everyone and their dog to see! TOM: It's over guys! [singing] I'll talk to ya later... CROW: [singing] Don't wanna read that again tonight. [normal] Well, or any night really. TOM: C'mon, let's go. [All leave] [O... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6...] [SOL - The main area is bare, save for a single spotlight] MAGIC VOICE: Ladies and gentlemen, the Satellite of Love is proud to present a wonderful new musical. It's Mike Nelson, Crow T. Robot, Thomas Servo, and Ms. Gypsy in the Earth Vs Soup Production, "Guys and Bots"! [A Trumpet blares, and Mike, Crow & Servo enter, dressed in pinstripes and matching fedoras] [To the tune of "Fugue for Tinhorns" (aka "I Got the Horse Right Here")] MIKE: I got the post right hyar, And it's from Stevie R. Which means Marrissa & her friends can't be far Kids' Crew, Kids' Crew, Telling the grown-ups what to do! Kids' Crew, Kids' Crew, We've been captured by the Kid's Crew [Mike repeats under as Crow sings] CROW: It's a piece of Spam An out-and-out flim-flam To meet ladies, sell real estate, or get more RAM Fast Ca$h, Fast Ca$h, They're promising you Fast Ca$h If you want to lose your stash, Fast Ca$h, Fast Ca$h! [Mike & Crow repeat under as Servo sings] TOM: Old Robert McElwaine, He's coming back again, He and his ilk will be driving us all insane! We're doomed, and soon, They're telling us all we're doomed Unless, I guess, We all go to Atlantis TOM: McElwaine CROW: Piece of Spam MIKE: Stevie R. ALL: We got the po-o-o-ost - right hyar!! [Mike exits. Gypsy enters, wearing a similar, Gypsy-tailored get-up] GYPSY: Hey, youse guys! Dem evil scientists are sending some morea dat bad stuff, which ain't woith nothin', fer youse to watch! [Long Pause] GYPSY: AHEM! I said, Hey, youse guys! Dem evil scientists are sending some morea dat bad stuff, which ain't woith nothin', fer youse to watch! CROW: OH! Oh, um, Dat is too bad, Gypsy-girl! Now we has gotta tink of some pithy remarks and rejoinders! TOM: Yeah. What we needs is someone who can do da job, and do it quickly. CROW TOM & GYPSY: But who can dat be?!? [Mike returns] MIKE: At yer soivice! [To the tune of "The Oldest Established..."] CROW TOM & GYPSY: Why, it's good old reliable Michael, Michael, Michael, Michael Nelson! If you're looking for humor, he'll do what he should: When the post or movie's really bad, he gets really good. 'Cause he's good old reliable Michael, And he'll toss those lines from above On the grandest, high-flying, permanent, floating Satellite of Love! Riff those fanfics! Riff those flames! MIKE: Gimme cheesy movies and I'll do the same! ALL: It's the grandest, high-flying, permanent, floating Satellite of Lo-o-o-o-ove! [Lights flash] [D13] DR.F: Okay, stow it, you Runyon Rings! [SOL] MIKE: Oh, c'mon! Gypsy hasn't had a chance to do her big number, "I love Richard Basehart a Bushel and a Peck"! [D13] FRANK: Ah, siddown, yer rockin' the boat! DR. F: Thank you, Nicely-Nicely. Well, Nelson Detroit, to my dismay, you seem to have survived the Ratliff-go-round - this time! But I warn you, this particular well runs deep and murky! By the time I'm through subjecting you to his complete library, you'll all be reduced to quivering blobs of goo, begging me for the mercy I don't have, MUAHAHA- [A bell chimes in the background] FRANK: Hey, Dr. Forrester, I think we've got a delivery. DR.F: Well, handle it, Frank, can't you see I'm in the middle of a maniacal cackle here? FRANK: Oh, okay. Sorry, Steve. [Frank wanders off] DR.F: You just can't get good henchpeople these days! Now, where was I? Oh, yes - MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!! [SOL] TOM: Say, Mike, that fedora is *you*! MIKE: Y'think? CROW: Sure - you've got the big square head for it! MIKE: Thanks, I - HEY!! [bots giggle] Well, they're a little preoccupied, so why don't you give us the info, Gyps? GYPSY: Okee-dokee! *ahem* To join the MiSTing Authors Dibs List, send an e-mail message to majordomo@neylonpc.engin.umich.edu with the message "subscribe dibslist []" in the message body. Be sure to read the MiSTing Guidelines, as described in the FAQ. MIKE: [Brooklynese voice] Tanks, Adelaide, yer a right broad! GYPSY: *Ahchoo!* MIKE: Oh, say, whatever happened to Stephen's Fife and Drum Society? CROW: Maybe they're hiding in Servo's room, waiting to ambush him from behind his collection of skivvies, heh heh heh! TOM: GYAHHH!!! [hides behind Mike] Nelson, you gotta protect me! Those fanatics are gonna rip me useless limb from useless limb! GYPSY: Oh, don't worry, Tom, I took care of them TOM: Gypsy! You're a lifesaver! And a wintergreen one, at that! CROW: I guess there really *is* nothing like a dame! MIKE: What'd you do with them? GYPSY: I sent them down the Umbilicus to the Evil Poopies! TOM: [Scottish accent] Ah, where they'll be no tribble atall! MIKE & CROW: Tom! Geez, Servo! Too obvious! Have a little decency! David Gerrold's Lawyer's gonna... [They stalk out] TOM: What?!? What? I was - c'mon!! GYPSY: I liked it. TOM: "No Tribble atall". Heh, I love coming up with original jokes like that! [D13 - The Ratliff Fan Club is dancing through Deep 13. Frank, in a spurt of enthusiasm, has joined them] RATLIFFIANS (& FRANK) [To the Tune of "Luck Be a Lady"] Marrissa's triumphant tonight! Marrissa's triumphant tonight! Marrissa always bends luck to advance her own agenda! Marrissa's triumphant! (Marrissa's triumphant!) Marrissa's triumphant! (Marrissa's triumphant!) Marrissa's triumphant - toni-i-i-i-i-ight! [DR.F's Head pops up in front of the screen] DR.F: NELSO-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!! *FWOOOOSH!!!* ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- DEAR ISABELLA; MOONDUSTED; THERE IS NOTHING LIKE A DAME: by Stephen Ratliff MiSTING: by Bill Livingston & Matthew Blackwell (additional material by Tom Currie) MiSTING DIBS LIST MAINTAINED BY: Michael Neylon COUGH DROPS: by Halls BY THE SEA, BY THE SEA BY: The beautiful sea MORTAL KOMBAT: Annihilation THANKS: to MiSTies, MuSTies, the teachers of America, the Glenn Miller Orchestra, the authors of all the amendments (except the 22nd), and Jif peanut butter (creamy style - yum!). Also, special thanks to: * Roger M. Wilcox, for unwittingly providing a line for Moondusted. * Tom Currie: For providing material for Dear Isabella. * Kevin Gowen: For graciously bowing out of the MiSTing. Kai to the Great Kevin! The third greatest Kevin of them all! We must all hail his generous nature and his kind soul, as well as his rapier wit! HUZZAH! HUZZAH TO THE GREAT KEVIN GOWEN! * Stubby Kaye: Just for being Nicely-Nicely (we'll miss ya' Stubby!) * And finally, to Mr. Stephen Ratliff for being such a tremendously good sport about this whole deal! "Star Trek", "Star Trek The Next Generation" and all related characters and situations are trademarks of and © Desilu/Paramount/Viacom. All rights are reserved, and if you don't believe us, you just ask them! "Mystery Science Theater 3000" trademark of and © Best Brains, Inc. But, of course, you already knew that. Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks held by others is intended or should be inferred. The authors may be contacted at: mblackwl@ix.netcom.com or bill@Traveller.com No personal insults to author(s), character(s), or situation(s) are or should be implied. All characters in this work are fictional, and any resemblance to actual people, living or dead, is purely coincidental. Except for Stephen Ratliff, who is, of course, the embodiment of all evil personified - not that this is necessarily a bad thing, mind you. Remember, use only genuine "Interociter"® parts! Keep circulating the posts. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- > If another Ambassador hits on me, I'm drawing a phaser on him. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Return to MiSTings Index ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [pinky.wtower.com] [Compatible With Any Browser] [Wilbur HTML 3.2 Validated!] [EFF Blue Ribbon Campaign] [Powered by Linux] [Rated with RSAC] [Powered By Apache]