Mystery Usenet Theater 3000 "Enterprise: Broken Bow" Misted by Matt Blackwell, D Gale, Alex Gariepy and Karen Kallstead [This misting presented in Widescreen.] [Season 10 Opening] [The Bridge of the Satellite of Love] [The gang's all here- our trapped human hero, Mike Nelson, fireplug-esque robot Tom Servo, golden robot Crow T. Robot and good old purple Gypsy.] Mike: Hi everyone, and welcome back to the Satellite of Love! I'm Mike Nelson, and these are my robot posse. Gypsy: Word. Mike: Well, it's summertime again, and that means it's sequel time again, and my robot friends have volunteered... Crow: We were forced. Mike: ...to review this latest crop of sequels. So, let's begin. Tom? I believe that you were going to begin with a sequel from earlier this year, Blade II. Tom: Sucked. Mike: Oh. Um, would you care to elaborate? Tom: Really sucked? Mike: Great. Crow, I believe that you saw Austin Powers in Goldmember. What did ya think? Crow: It was almost as good as "The Spy Who Shagged Me." Mike: Ah! A thumbs up then! Crow: Mike, that wasn't a compliment. Mike: Never mind. Up next with Men In Black II is Gypsy. Gypsy: The writing on this latest excursion was luminescant. I greatly enjoyed the interplay between Michael J. Fox and Melanie Griffith. And Hugh Laurie and Gena Davis were splendid in their reprisal of their role as Stuart's parents. Mike: Gypsy? That's Stuart Little 2, not Men in Black II. Gypsy: Oh. Well that one sucked. Mike: Tom, what about Halloween Resurrection? Tom: Mike, I sort of enjoyed Halloween Water, but this one, well, it sucked. Mike: How about Jason X? Crow: The film broke. That two minutes of dead air was the highlight of the film. Mike: [Sighing] What about Attack of the Clones? [All three bots turn and stare at Mike.] Mike: Oh. Yeah. Well, were there any sequels that you did like? Crow: No. Not really. "The Sum of All Fears" was disappointing, especially compared to the earlier films. Plus, that insurance duck was in it. Tom: "Scorpion King"? Goofy. Big time goofy. Crow: "40 Days and 40 Nights"? I didn't like "39 Days and 39 Nights." Tom: "The Bourne Identity"? I don't know how they got from a disabled Vietnam vet to an amnesiac super spy. Big disappointment. Crow: "The Road to Perdition"? Not even *one* musical number! And where was Dorothy Lamour? Mike: Folks, let me sort this out during the commercial. [The planet bumper appears and we head to commercials.] [The Bridge.] [Mike is still explaining things.] Tom: So, "The Rookie" wasn't the prequel to "The Player"? Mike: No. Crow: And "Panic Room" has no connection to "A Room with a View"? Mike: No. Crow: But you're sure that "John Q." wasn't the sequel to "Moulin Rouge"? Mike: Crow, I'm not even sure how you could possibly draw a connection between the two films... [The lights signaling a call from Castle Forrester begin to flash.] Mike: Never mind. Let's see what Corman, Goldsmith and Emmerich want. [Mike taps the lights and the scene shifts to...] [Castle Forrester] [Pearl Forrester, evil scientist, stands in the foreground, looking quite peeved. From behind her comes an inhuman wailing.] Pearl: Mike. Bots. [SoL] Mike: Ye gods, Pearl. What the heck is going on down there? Crow: You're not torturing the FedEx guy again, are you? [Pearl] Pearl: Hrmph. I wish. I've got to pick up all of my packages down at the collection center these days. [SoL] Tom: You haven't been broadcasting those "Pink Lady and Jeff" episodes over TRL's signal feed again, have you? [Castle Forrester] Pearl: No, it's not that either. [The wails continue.] It's Bobo. He's just found out that one of his ex- girlfriends has just moved in with someone, and he's taking it badly. [We pan back to a seated Bobo, who is crying uncontrollably. Observer is halfheartedly trying to cheer him up.] Bobo: [wailing] I can't believe she left me! Observer: There, there. I'm sure that you'll find someone else. [mumbled] And after that, maybe the horse will start singing. Bobo: [sobbing] No! I'll never find anyone like her again! She was the light of my life! She gave me hope to carr-- Pearl: Bobo! I told you, No Debbie Boone! Bobo: [sobbing] Sorry. But I loved her so! Observer: You loved Debbie Boone? Bobo: [sobbing] No, the other one. Observer: Bobo, you two drifted apart years ago. Bobo: [sobbing] We could've gotten back together! I know that it wouldda worked! I swear! I just needed another chance! Pearl: [sighing] He's been like that for the last six hours. [SoL] [Cambot has focused in on Tom and Mike.] Tom: Poor guy. Mike: How long had they been dating? [Castle Forrester] Pearl: I really tried to learn as little as possible about their relationship, Mike. Bobo: I loved her, man! Observer: [emotionlessly] There, there. [SoL] Mike: Well, were they, you know, intimate? [Castle Forrester] Pearl: [very coldly] Mike, I'm certain that you didn't just ask me to contemplate the details of a mountain gorilla's love life, did you? [SoL] Tom: Ew. Mike: Sorry. [Castle Forrester] Pearl: Anyway, your experiment for today is Paramount's latest attempt to milk one more series out of the Star Trek franchise. I was planning on sending you the pilot, but tell you what, if you can stop Bobo's blubbering, I'll call off the experiment and let you watch Sportscenter for a few hours. [SoL] Tom: Sportscenter? Sweet! Mike: We're in. [Castle Forrester] Pearl: Great! Let me drag monkey boy over here. [Pan over to Observer and the still-crying Bobo.] Bobo: We were going to have a life together! We were going to have raise a family with kids and a cat and a grill! We were going to call them Kennedy and Tigger. Or Tigger and Kennedy. I'm still not sure what we were going to call the grill... Observer: Bobo? can we skip ahead to the "drowning your sorrows in booze" stage in the grieving process? It's NTN night at Pitchers and I'd like to get there before it gets too crowded. Pearl: Bobo? Can you come here for a sec? [Bobo sniffs and shambles over to Pearl.] Pearl: The guys have something they'd like to say to you. [SoL] Mike: Hey buddy. We heard you were having some problems with your love life. Tom: Yeah, and if there's one person who knows about getting dumped, it's Mike. Mike: [dryly] Thanks, Tom. [normal] Anyway, it's not the end of the world. Heck, practically everyone's been dumped. [Castle Forrester] Bobo: Not me! I'm a fabulously attractive gorilla! [SoL] Mike: Er. Well, yeah. Tom: And that's the point! Even attractive guys get dumped! Mike: Yeah! Um, like Billy Joel! Christie Brinkley dumped him! Tom: And Lyle Lovett! Julia Roberts dumped him. Oh, and she dumped Benjamin Bratt too! Mike: And Dudley Moore! He was dumped constantly! Tom: And don't forget Mike! Mike: [coldly] Yes. By all means don't forget me. [Castle Forrester] Bobo: So, all of us super studs have been dumped? [SoL] Mike: Yep. Besides, I bet she's just sowing her wild oats. You know, dating someone flashy for a while before coming back to the one who really loves her. Tom: Really? I never heard... Mike: [whisper] Play along. [normal] Yeah, she'll be hanging with the flashy guys for a while. Like astronauts. Or racecar drivers. Or spies... Tom: Or the Pope! Mike: Tom, I don't think he dates much. Tom: Come on, chicks must dig the hat! Mike: So, see? So, who she'd leave you for, buddy? [Castle Forrester] Bobo: [sniffing] A ... a cartoonist. [SoL] Mike: Oh. Tom: A cartoonist? Dear lord, man! You could have at least lied and saved yourself some dignity! Said she'd run off with a crack dealer or a professional lab rat or a bug wrangler or something! But a cartoonist?!? [Castle Forrester] [Bobo is once again sobbing uncontrollably.] Observer: There there, Bobo. [mumbling] Well, it looks like I won't be getting any hot wings tonight... Pearl: Thanks, Mike. Thanks a bunch. Enjoy your *movie*. Maybe afterwards I'll force you to watch a few hours of "Supertrain". Brain Guy, send it to them. [SoL] [Cambot has panned back to show all three crew members. The lights flash in the background. Crow's jaw is agape.] Mike: Nice work Tom. Tom: Come on. You were thinking it, too. Mike: There's nothing wrong with... Crow: She shacked up? With a cartoonist?!? Mike: Oh no... Crow: DEBBIE!!!! HOW COULD YOU?!?! Mike: Let's take care of this in the theater. [Mike hits the movie sign and the door sequence begins.] [6 . . . 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . .] [The crew enters and sit.] Crow: So, we're beset with another sequel? Mike: This one's a prequel, Crow. Completely different animal. Tom: How so? Mike: Well, one's pre- and one's se-. >ENTERPRISE: "Broken Bow" > Tom: If it's still broke, you STILL don't fix it? Crow: Nice to see Berman stick to the Voyager formula. >5/1/01 > Mike: Wasn't it released in September? >ENTERPRISE > >"Broken Bow" > Crow: Thanks for reminding us. We might have forgotten the title in those 7 lines. >FADE IN: > Tom: Fade in provided by Mode 7 technology. >FLASHBACK: CLOSE ON A STARSHIP HULL (OPTICAL) > >White, featureless. Mike: Hey, it's Fargo! Crow: Great, I love that movie! Mike: There was a movie? > We hear the sound of a TICKING CLOCK. Tom: A *ticking* clock? Wow, advanced 22nd century technology. Mike: Yeah, can't wait to see their coal-fired rocket ships. Crow: Kerosene-powered transporters... > A PAINTBRUSH >held in a BOY'S HAND enters frame and begins to apply gun metal gray >paint to the hull. All: DAH!!! Tom: The Son of God paints starships? > We realize that the ship is actually a scale MODEL >of an early 22nd century Starfleet transport. Mike: And we realize that, in spite of all our progress, the future still contains model-building Star Trek geeks. Tom: That reminds me, Mike. I had to borrow some of your rubber cement the other day to fix Crow's beak. You should have enough to finish the Millennium Falcon and the pod race diorama, but you might run out if you need a lot for the Mos Eisley cantina set. > Its name and number are >painted on the hull. Tom: The S.S. Minnow? Mike: Followed by the quote: "I was painted by a bunch of kids." Crow: Mike, don't bring THAT into this, please? > The boy makes some rocket-like whooshing noises, Crow: Just like Mike does when he's flying! >then: > Tom: Realizes that the noises won't work unless he has a MOVING ship. >YOUNG ARCHER >"Where no man has gone before. " > Mike: Well, except for Voyager, Space Rangers, Lost In Space, Space Cases, Power Rangers in Space.... >FATHER >Doctor Cochrane would be proud of you. > Tom: He likes it when people paint little hearts on starships. >YOUNG ARCHER >I know the whole speech by heart > Mike: Ladies and Gentlemen of the 22nd century- wear sunscreen. >FATHER >(re: model) Crow: I see people still respond to their e-mails in the future. >Watch out... you're painting over the Captain's windows. > Crow: Good. Now the SFX department won't have to do those background stars. Mike: And if Shatner's in there changing, we're profoundly grateful. >YOUNG ARCHER >Sorry > Tom: Wow, that was a tough line. >FLASHBACK: WIDER ANGLE -YOUNG ARCHER AND FATHER (OPTICAL) > >are working on the starship model at a table in the SUN PORCH of an >APARTMENT in SAN FRANCISCO. Mike: Affordably priced at only $20,000 a month. Crow: Again with San Francisco... does everyone in the Trek-Land think it's the center of the universe? > Sunlight is pouring through the windows, >which overlook the CITY. Tom: They've got a view of New York City? > An old pendulum CLOCK ticks on the wall. Mike: Yes, nothing captivates an audience like a prop clock. >YOUNG ARCHER is age nine; Mike: EVEN YOUNGER ARCHER is five, and EMBRYO ARCHER... > his FATHER is in his 40's; both are wearing >22nd century civilian clothing. > Crow: Which means what? Are they dressed like the Jetsons or something? >YOUNG ARCHER >When's it gonna be ready to fly? > >FATHER (smiles) >Let the paint dry first. > Tom: Then we have to install the warp core. >YOUNG ARCHER >No. I mean the ship. > Crow: [Father] And *I* said, "Let the paint dry first." > > > > > Tom: [Archer] Hello? Script? I want my answer! >FATHER >Not for a while. > It hasn't even been built yet. > Mike: A few days, then? > > >YOUNG ARCHER >How big will it be? > Crow: This is starting to sound like a fish story. Mike: [Father] I once built a ship THIS big! >FATHER > >Pretty big > Crow: Details, father. I need details. Tom: Dialog by Douglas Coupland. Mike: Enterprise X? >FLASHBACK: CLOSE ON A JAR OF BLUE PAINT (OPTICAL) > Mike: The story of Archer and his paint jar. Tonight on UPN. >as the father opens it, and Young Archer dips his brush inside. > >YOUNG ARCHER >Bigger than Ambassador Pointy's ship? > Tom: Hey, I told your mother never to talk about our "Ambassador Pointy and the naughty emissary from Rigel 6" game. >FATHER >His name is Soval... and he's been very helpful... Crow: He taught me the wonders of ape movies. > and I've told you >not to call him that. > Mike: Call him Mindy. He seems to like that. >As they talk,Young Archer paints the leading edge of a nacelle. > > Mike: When I grow up, I'm going to paint the Enterprise in whatever color I choose! >YOUNG ARCHER >Billy Cook said we'd be flying at warp five by now if the Vulcans >hadn't kept things from us. > Crow: The Vulcans must control the LSD supply. Tom: Billy also says that elves sneak in and wet his bed every night. >FATHER >They have their reasons. >(wry) >God knows what they are. > Mike: Well, I would have hoped that at least the writers knew... >As they work on the starship... > Crow: A gang of time-traveling Borgs appear, and quickly assimilate them. Cue Voyager opening sequence! >DISSOLVE TO > >CRANE SHOT -MOVING ACROSS CORN FIELDS - DAY (OPTICAL) Mike: Alright, who sent this episode to the cornfield? > >SUPER: Broken Bow, Oklahoma -30 Years Later > Crow: Archer's probably still painting that blasted model, trying to get the nacelles "just right". Tom: Division 1-AA Broken Bow U is about to play 2nd ranked OU... >CAMERA stops on the jarring sight of a smoking CRASHED KLINGON >SHUTTLECRAFT. > Mike: Mmmm, reminds me of my neighbor's BBQ. >CUT TO: > >EXT. CORN FIELD -GROUND LEVEL -DAY (OPTICAL) > Tom: Meanwhile, at Uncle Jim's dairy farm... > >KLAANG, a seven foot tall Klingon Warrior, Mike: And not a sound effect, even though it seems like it would be. > is running desperately >through the rows of corn. Tom: Must discover the secret of "cream-style"! Niblets are without honor! > We only catch glimpses of him, but we can >tell from his breathing that he's running for his life. Crow: Hey! Klingons don't retreat! Mike: No one ever said he was a good Klingon. > The BLAST from >an alien weapon flashes past him, searing the stalks. > Crow: And producing a pound and a half of popcorn. >NEW ANGLE (OPTICAL) > >Two humanoid FIGURES are chasing Klaang, weapons drawn. Mike: J & K are hot in pursuit! > We'll come to >know that these are SULIBAN --a genetically engineered species with an >unusual dappled texture to their skin. Tom: This year's stylish genie comes in a lovely tweed pattern, replacing last year's outdated lycra models. > They continue to FIRE. Mike: Then they use BOLT-3 to pick off any survivors. > >CUT TO: > >EXT. FARMHOUSE -DAY > Tom: Mr. Douglas steps out to chat with Mr. Haney. >A middle-aged FARMER steps out the front door, looking in the >direction of the weapons fire. > Mike: Dagnab it, get off my property, ya dang Klingon smoochers! >HIS POV (OPTICAL) > >We see flashes of LIGHT and MOVEMENT in the cornfield, as well as a >plume of SMOKE from the crashed shuttle. > Crow: Martha? I think another baby just crashed in our cornfield. >THE FARMER > >urgently heads back into the house. > Tom: [southern accent] I'm getting me a photo of this! >KLAANG > >breaks into the clear, quickly surveys the scene. He spots a nearby >SILO and runs toward it with intent. > Crow: Klingons come a runnin' for the great taste of alfalfa! >THE TWO SULIBAN > >emerge from the field and see Klaang. > Tom: And Biff. And Pow too. >AT THE SILO > >Klaang quickly opens a large DOOR and steps inside. We hear the door >LOCK. > Crow: That should help deflect those pesky ray guns. >THE FARMER > >steps out of his house, armed with a 22nd century PLASMA SHOTGUN. Mike: I saw them once. They opened for Megadeath in '93. > He >runs down the porch steps and heads toward the cornfield... > Crow: They better not be building a ball park in there again! >THE- SULIBAN (OPTICAL) > >have reached the locked silo door. One of them lowers himself to the >ground and proceeds to DISLOCATE his SKELETAL STRUCTURE. Crow: Er, Mike? Can you do that? Mike: I don't think so. It'd be a nice trick for parties though. > His SKULL >flattens as his BODY slithers beneath the six inch opening at the >bottom of the door. > Tom: Wow, the aliens can change themselves into Calista Flockhart! Crow: Remind me to call these guys next time I lock my keys in my car. >THE SILO DOOR > >unlocks from within. The Suliban who crawled inside opens the door and >his partner enters. > Tom: Oh, that was much easier than shooting the door. Yep. >WIDE SHOT -THE SILO (OPTICAL) > >Klaang breaks out another DOOR fifteen feet above ground. Mike: And of course Klaang knows what a silo is. Tom: He must have watched "Uncle Kla'po's Dairy Farm". > He LANDS on >a nearby SHED, LEAPS to the dirt and draws his DISRUPTOR. He runs >twenty feet, spins, and FIRES a single SHOT at the broken door he just >came out of. > >BOOOM! (OPTICAL) > Mike: Booom? What kind of camera angle is that? Tom: The script comes with its own sound effects. >The SILO EXPLODES in a FIERY EXPLOSION! > Crow: Ah. Michael Bay must be nearby. Tom: Or they were storing that new nitroglycerin flavored corn. >KLAANG (OPTICAL) > Tom: Klaang is more Audible than Optical, don't you think? >who has been blown to the ground, stands and staggers away from the >BURNING silo. > Mike: It is a good day to blow up a silo! Crow: Now it is a good day to have some corn! Nummy! >FARMER (O.C.) >Stop right there! > Tom: o/~ I gotta know right now! Before we go any further... o/~ Mike: Tom? Jim's asked you to stop referring to that song. Tom: Fine. Hrmuph. >Klaang looks up to see the farmer, who is approaching him, shotgun >raised. > Crow: Elmer Fudd- The Next Generation! >FARMER >(very nervous) >I mean it! > Tom: [farmer] I'm just concerned about my daughter's upcoming wedding! >Klaang, who doesn't understand the farmer, responds in Klingon: > >KLAANG >Ro~nuh, t2ag:h ~oH! Mang: juH! > Crow: Er, translation? Tom: Well, my Klingon's a bit rusty, but I think he said that "I am abundant with grapes and scooners." > >The farmer is terrified --he's never seen an alien before, not to >mention a Klingon Warrior with a disruptor in his hand. > Mike: So, he never went to a Trek convention? >FARMER >I have no idea what you're saying... Crow: Since he went to public school. > but I guarantee you, I know >how to use this. > Mike: Thanks to Eddie the Eagle's plasma shotgun safety course! >Klaang continues to rant as he steps closer. > Crow: He's a Klingon Andy Rooney! Tom: Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but Gowron's ascension makes about as much sense as taking a cloaked vessel into an ionized nebula, reversing the field polarity of the main power grid, and emitting a focused tachyon beam through the deflector array. >KLAANG >Qag:h DoQ! RIch ghaH! > Tom: "Can you direct me to Lord Watterby's balloon?" >The farmer tenses, then FIRES an elongated FLASH of ENERGY which HITS >Klaang square in the chest, BLASTING him backward into the corn! Crow: So this is what Picard meant by "disaster" when first contact was made. Mike: No wonder they relied on replicators in the future. Farmers got a bad rep. > OFF >the farmer's shaky reaction... > Crow: Dear lord! He's right! Gowron really shouldn't have been chancellor! >CUT TO: > >CLOSE ON A STARSHIP HULL (OPTICAL) > Tom: Captain's Log: Stardate something or other: We are now in the show. I am currently afraid of the critics and have locked myself in my quarters hoping they will go away. >CAMERA PULLS BACK slightly to reveal we're in SPACEDOCK in orbit of >EARTH. Tom: The cameramen have been taken in for their 100,000 scene tune-up. > We only see a small section of what we'll learn is the STARSHIP >ENTERPRISE. Mike: And we have ship, ladies and gentlemen! > A tiny ORBITAL INSPECTION POD enters frame and flies along >the underside of the hull. > Tom: Artoo and Threepio are trying to escape again. >INT. ORBITAL INSPECTION POD (OPTICAL) > >CAPTAIN JONATHAN ARCHER and CHIEF ENGINEER, COMMANDER CHARLIE >(CHARLIE) TUCKER sit side by side in the cramped cockpit. Crow: Warning! This show contains cramped spaces, letterboxing and other scenes that may be unsuitable for people with claustrophobia. > Archer, early 40's, is >in civilian clothing. Mike: I'm picturing him dressed like Syndey Bristow. [shudders] Okay, now I'm stopping. Ew. > Unlike the Starfleet Captains in centuries to >come, he exhibits a sense of wonder and excitement. Tom: This is unlike the other Captains HOW? > Charlie, early >30's, is a Southerner who enjoys using his offbeat, often sarcastic >sense of humor to disarm people. > Tom: [southern accent] Ya'll might be a redneck if you'd drop that phaser and keep your tentacles over your exoskeleton's antennae where I can see them. >They're both looking straight up through a ceiling PORTAL at a section >of the HULL. > Crow: [Charlie] So you painted this one, too? >CHARLIE >The Ventral Plating Team says they'll be done in about three days. > >ARCHER >Be sure they match the color to the nacelle housings. > Crow: [Archer] Make sure it brings out my eyes. >CHARLIE >You aiming to sit on the hull and pose for some postcards? > Tom: Thanks for making us queasy already, "Trip". >ARCHER >Maybe... Crow: [Archer] I might even wear a bikini while I'm at it. > >He continues to look upward and inspect the hull. > >ARCHER >God, she's beautiful > >CHARLIE >And fast. Tom: Catherine Zeta Jones? >(beat) >Warp four point five next Thursday. > Mike: Yep, and she made the Kessel Run in less than twelve parsecs. >ARCHER >(awed) >Neptune and back in six minutes. Tom: [Archer] With plasma coils, warp nacelles and a lot of horsepower! [does a Tim Allen grunt] >(beat) >Let's take a look at the lateral sensor array. > Crow: Maybe we can figure out what color to paint that too. >CHARLIE >Give me a sec. > >Charlie whips the control throttle to his left (intentionally harder >than he needs to). > Mike: MAVERICK! >EXT. SPACEDOCK (OPTICAL) > >The orbital pod ROLLS steeply to a 90 degree angle as it continues >along the side of the hull. > Mike: Spine-tingling space action! Crow: I paid five bucks to see the Space Show, and all I get is the flippin' POD? >INT. ORBITAL INSPECTION POD (OPTICAL) > >Archer looks a little queasy --he's obviously not comfortable in >such a tiny vessel. Tom: Odd for a guy who's supposed to be a "fly boy". > Charlie is enjoying this --he likes to get >a rise out of people. > Crow: He's also a frequent caller to the Howard Stern show. >CHARLIE >If I didn't know better, I'd think you were afraid of flying. > >ARCHER >If I'm afraid of anything, it's the scrambled eggs I had for >breakfast. > Crow: [Archer] I just hope that white powder really was salt. Tom: Interstellar travel, contact with unknown aliens, combat against unimaginable weapons -- bring it on! Just keep the Denny's skillet scramble far, far away! Mike: Not a bad policy, in my experience. >CHARLIE >Pretty soon you'll be dreaming about scrambled eggs. I hear the new >resequenced protein isn't much of an improvement. > Crow: It's still better than the "Moon over My Hammy". >ARCHER >My number one staffing priority was finding the right chef. Tom: Captain, the weapons are offline, structural integrity field's down to 18%, we're venting plasma, the warp core's losing confinement and the chief engineer's clueless. But just *taste* this pan-seared yellow-fin tuna with chipolte-mango chutney. Appropriately, it's to die for! > I think >you'll be impressed. > Crow: He does tend to shout "BAM" at random times though. >CHARLIE >Your galley's more important to >you than your warp core. That's a confidence-builder. > Tom: [Archer] What's more important? Not starving or losing warp? Crow: [Charlie] It depends. Are we in the middle of a battle? Tom: [Archer] ...Shut up. >ARCHER >A starship runs on its stomach, Charlie. Mike: Assuming it's a dilithium stomach, right? Tom: Which explains all the giant Tums in the Cargo bay. >(sees something) Tom: [Archer] Hey, a plot! Neat! >Slow down. There. Those are the ports that buckled during the last >test. They need to be reinforced. > Crow: [Charlie] *sigh* I'll get the duct tape. >Charlie grabs a high-tech stylus and pad, makes a note. Mike: [Charlie] Does this work? Egg freckles? What the...? > With his hands >off the controls, the pod drifts slightly toward Enterprise. > >EXT. SPACEDOCK (OPTICAL) > >The pod gently BUMPS into the hull. > Crow: Since it was a Pinto, it exploded, killing the two. The end. >INT. ORBITAL INSPECTION POD (OPTICAL) > >CHARLIE >Sorry. > Mike: [Archer] Hey, we're still in the pilot here. You're not a reoccurring character yet. >Archer cranes his neck to inspect the point of impact > Tom: [Archer] Oh, it's just a hull breach. Nothing to worry about. >ARCHER >Great. You scratched the paint. > Crow: [Archer] I took 30 years to paint that! >A COM CHIRP goes off. Charlie taps a control. > Tom: [Charlie] This oughta shut it off. >CHARLIE >(to com) >Orbital Six. > >COM VOICE >Captain Archer, sir? > Mike: [Charlie] No, this is Charlie. Who's calling? >ARCHER >Go ahead. > Mike: [Charlie] I'm afraid I don't know a "Go Ahead". >COM VOICE >Admiral Forrest needs you at Starfleet Medical right away. > Tom: Then Admiral Nichols needs you in the Communication Center. Crow: And then President Doohan needs you - Mike: That's enough of that. >OFF Archer. > >CUT TO: > >EXT. SAN FRANCISCO -NIGHT (OPTICAL) > >The 22nd century skyline. > Mike: The Tick is leaping from building to building... >INT. STARFLEET MEDICAL -ICU ANTEROOM -NIGHT > >A dimly-lit chamber with a large window looking into a 22nd century >intensive care unit. Crow: Which looks suspiciously like a cast-off "ER" set, with extra chrome and neon. > Klaang is lying on a bed, unconscious, with >myriad tubes and monitoring devices attached to his gigantic body. Tom: Marlon Brando *is* Klaang! >A small team of doctors and nurses are busily tending to him. Two >armed Security Guards stand watch. > Tom: [Guard #1] So, are you dead yet? Crow: [Guard #2] Nope. You? Tom: [Guard #1] Next episode. Crow: [Guard #2] What a real shame... >In the anteroom, a heated discussion is taking place between three >Starfleet Officers (ADMIRALS MAXWELL FORREST and DANIEL LEONARD, Mike: Heh. Nice touch, guys. Crow: What? Mike: Nothing. Just a tribute to fallen friends. > and >COMMANDER WILLIAMS) and three Vulcan dignitaries (AMBASSADOR SOVAL, >TOS and a striking young female named T'POL). > Tom: T'Pol. Vulcan for "busty, pouty babe in a skin-tight catsuit." Crow: Wow. I didn't know the Vulcans even *had* a word for Jeri Ryan. Mike: Or Terry Farrell. Crow: Or Marina Sirtis. Mike: Or ... just about every woman on the original show, including the green-skinned ones. Make that *especially* the green-skinned ones. >CMDR. WILLIAMS >Who was chasing him? > >SOVAL >We don't know. They were incinerated in the methane explosion, and the >farmer's description was vague at best. > Mike: [farmer] They appeared to be shape-shifting life forms from another solar system who could phase in and out of our temporal plane. But I'm just guessin' here. >ADMIRAL LEONARD >How did they get here? What kind of ship? > Crow: [Leonard] Why did they bother being here in the middle of nowhere? >TOS >They were using some kind of stealth technology. We're still analyzing >our sensor logs. > Tom: [Tos] It keeps on getting signals from hummingbirds, though. >CMDR. WILLIAMS >I'd like to see those logs. > Mike: [Williams] And maybe analyze 'em too. >SOVAL >(patronizingly calm) Crow: Hey, just like you, Servo! Tom: Please. I am NEVER calm! >The Klingons made it very clear... they want to expedite this. > Mike: Yeah, we don't want to make a whole series based on this... oops! >ADMIRAL LEONARD >It happened on our soil. > Mike: It was our hayseed farmer who shot him. >TOS >That's irrelevant > Crow: [Tos] Sovereignty is irrelevant. Investigation is futile. >ADMIRAL FORREST >(interrupting, to Soval) >Ambassador... with all due respect, we have a right to know what's >going on here. > Mike: Apparently, Vulcan logic dictates holding back information won't piss off the humans. >SOVAL >You'll be apprised of all pertinent information. > >CMDR. WILLIAMS >And just who gets to decide what's pertinent? > Crow: The Pertinence Committee. They meet twice a month on Vulcan. >At this point, the door opens and Archer ENTERS, still in civilian >clothes. Crow: [Archer] Hey guys, there's a neat wreckage on the farm just off here and... hey, who's the bumpy-forehead guy on the bed? > The conversation stops as everyone turns to him. > Mike: That's Scott Bakula, alright. Stopping the entire show so we can see more of his mug. >ARCHER >(to Forrest) >Admiral. > >ADMIRAL FORREST >Jack... I think you know everyone. > >Archer sees the unconscious Klaang through the window. Crow: o/~ How much is that Klingon in the window? o/~ > >ARCHER >(walking to the window) >Not everyone. > Mike: [Archer] Who's the new guy? Can I say hi? >ADMIRAL LEONARD >He's a Klingot. > Tom: They fled the Netherlands due to religious persecution, right? >TOS >A Kling-Qn. > Crow: No, a Klingon. >ARCHER >Where'd he come from? > >CMDR. WILLIAMS >Oklahoma. > Tom: Where the wind rolls softly through the plains? >Archer reacts. > Mike: [Archer] Oh boy. >ADMIRAL FORREST >A corn farmer named Moore shot him with a plasma rifle... says it was >self-defense. > Mike: He says the Klingon came at him with a screwdriver. >TOS >Fortunately, Soval and I have maintained close contact with Kronos >since the incident occurred. > Tom: At least until Zeus appeared and threw them into Tartarus. >ARCHER >Kronos? > Tom: [Tos] He's the god of plot contrivances. >ADMIRAL LEONARD >It's the Klingon's homeworld. > >ADMIRAL FORREST >(re: Klaang) Crow: [Forrest] Hmm. Do they all have bumps on their foreheads? >This gentleman is some sort of courier. Evidently, he was carrying >crucial information back to his people. Mike: Klingon Express. When it absolutely, positively has to be there within 24 of your earth hours, or our courier will ritually disembowel himself with a bat'leth for having brought dishonor upon his house. > >SOVAL >(pointed) Tom: That shouldn't be hard for a Vulcan, right? >When he was nearly killed by your "farmer." > Crow: A game of tractor chicken turns tragic! >ADMIRAL FORREST >(carefully) >Ambassador Soval thinks it would >be best if we push off your launch until we've cleared this up. > Mike: [Forrest] He also thinks it would be best if you'd stop wearing a bra. >ARCHER >(dry) >Well, isn't that a surprise? >You'd think they'd've come up with something a little more imaginative >this time. > Tom: [Archer] Like pink elephants or little green men from Orion! >SOVAL >Sarcasm aside, Captain, the last thing your people need is to make an >enemy of the Klingon Empire. > Mike: Yeah, and a completely unrelated launch is usually interpreted as an act of war. >TOS >If we hadn't convinced them to let us take Klaang's corpse back to >Kronos, Earth would most likely be facing a squadron of Warbirds by >the end of the week. > Tom: Just a squadron? Wow, the Klingons aren't very aggressive, are they? >ARCHER >Corpse? Is he dead? > >Archer walks to the door leading to the ICU, opens it and signals to >one of the doctors, who approaches. > Mike: [Archer] Nuts to you, I'm asking the doctor for this! >ARCHER >Excuse me... is that man dead? > Crow: If so, can I touch him? >PHLOX, an exotic-looking alien physician Tom: By exotic they mean humanoid with rope-like veins in his head. > wearing hospital garb, >responds in a hurried voice and slight, distinctive accent: > Tom: By accent they mean-- Mike: OK. >PHLOX >(quickly) >His autonomic system was disrupted by the blast but his redundant >neural functions are still intact which -- > Crow: [Phlox] Means absolutely nothing, but if you permit me to rant some more... >ARCHER >Is he going to die? > Tom: Well, sure! Everyone does at some time or another! >PHLOX >Not necessarily. > Mike: You see, we're going to put him in a box with some plutonium and then close the lid... >Archer turns back to the room. > Tom: [Archer] Am I annoying you guys yet? > >ARCHER >(to Vulcans) >Let me get this straight... you're going to disconnect this man from >life support... even though he could recover. Where's the logic in >that? > Crow: The logic is in the savings! Think of the cheaper electric bill, for example. >SOVAL >Klaang's culture finds honor in death. If they saw him like this he'd >be disgraced. > Mike: [Soval] Logic suggests we kill him now instead of allowing him to recover BEFORE releasing him to the Klingons! Tom: Apparently, euthanasia is quite logical in this case. >Archer remains puzzled. > Crow: [Archer] What kind of backward society doesn't find honor in living as a vegetable on life support? >TOS >They're a warrior race... they dream of dying in battle. Tom: [Tos] And "A Perfect Whirled" as well. > If you >understood the complexities of interstellar diplomacy you would -- > >ARCHER >(interrupting, temper rising) Mike: [Archer] Urge to rant RISING! >So your "diplomatic" solution is to do what they tell you... pull the >plug? > Tom: [Tos] Logic dictates that we don't insult the Klingons and risk getting the snot kicked out of us. >TOS >Your metaphor is crude, but accurate. > >ARCHER >{back at him) >We may be crude, but we're not murderers. Crow: Well, except for killing Klaang, of course. >{then to Forrest) >You're not going to let them do this, are you'? > >SOVAL >(to Forrest) >The Klingons have demanded that we return Klaang immediately. > Tom: Very well. Anyone got an Earth/Kronos site-to-site transporter? >ARCHER >(ignoring him, to Forrest) >Admiral? > >ADMIRAL FORREST >We may need to defer to their judgement. > >ARCHER >We've been deferring to their judgement for a hundred years! > Mike: I mean, we even let them instruct the Supreme Court on how to deal with that election fiasco! >ADMIRAL FORREST >(a warning} >Jack... Crow: [Archer] It's SAM! Er, SCOTT! Er, Jonathan... > >Archer knows he's crossing the line, but he can't help himself. > Tom: He's a line crosser, jus' like his daddy before him. >ARCHER >How much longer? > Tom: [Forrest] Until Strom Thurmond passes on. Crow: [Archer] I can't wait that long! >T'Pol steps toward Archer. She's a science attache with the Vulcan >contingent headquartered in San Francisco. Her look is severe yet >sensual. Crow: Translation: wooden acting, gigantic breasts. Tom: Sort of a "Pamela Anderson meets Nancy Kulp" look. > Although she's been living amongst humans for several months, >she is cautious and guarded around them. > Mike: All this from her stepping forward? Wow! >T'POL >Until you've proven you're ready, > Mike: Whoa, I'm getting a Kosh moment, aren't you? Tom: [Kosh] If you go to Kronos, you will die. >ARCHER >Ready to what? All: Ready to rumbbbbbbblllllleeeee! > >T'POL >To look beyond your provincial attitudes and volatile nature. > Crow: Better give it another few hundred years. >ARCHER >Volatile? You have no idea how much I'm restraining myself from >knocking you on your ass. > Tom: Ouch! Point to Archer! Crow: Tee-hee, he said "ass". [The bots giggle.] >T'Pol raises an eyebrow at this. Crow: [T'Pol] Fascinating, this "knocking me on my ass" concept. May I see a demonstration? [Tom snickers.] > Archer turns to Forrest. > >ARCHER >These Klingons are anxious to get their man back? Fine. I can have my >ship ready to go in three days. >(to Vulcans, pointed) >We'll take him home... alive. > Mike: [Archer] Or we'll drop him a FedEx box and let them deliver the corpse. >SOVAL >This is no time to be imposing your ethical beliefs. Tom: Try again tomorrow when Ethical Imposition Week starts. > >Forrest considers, turns to Admiral Leonard. > >ADMIRAL FORREST >Dan? > >ADMIRAL LEONARD >(to Archer) >What about your crew? Your Comm Officer's in Brazil... you haven't >selected a Medical Officer yet... > Crow: And don't get me started on your opening theme music. >ARCHER >Three days, that's all I need. > Tom: Archer Delivery. We deliver your person in three days or it's FREE! >The Vulcans can't believe what they're hearing. Tom: With those ears? I'm surprised. > >SOVAL >(protesting) >Admiral... > Mike: [Soval] This is Scott Bakula! He'll most likely make a wry comment about the Klingons' table manners! >ADMIRAL FORREST >We've been waiting nearly a century, Ambassador... this seems as >good a time as any to get started. > Tom: And so Captain Jonathon Archer started off on his journey to find a new trade route to India. >SOVAL >(agitated, louder) >Listen to me. You're making a mistake! > Mike: (Soval) You're gonna start Star Trek! Have you no conscience? >ARCHER >(calmly, chiding him) >When your logic doesn't work, you raise your voice? You have been on >Earth too long. > >Displeased, Soval realizes the debate is over, Crow: [whining] Wah! He wasn't following Robert's Rules of Order! > EXITS with his >colleagues. Forrest turns to Archer with a slight twinkle in his eye. >We get the sense that he invited Archer knowing that he'd provoke this >very outcome. > Mike: For the audience is all-powerful and wise! Crow: They can read into the characters just by watching them make entrances! >ADMIRAL FORREST >I had a feeling their approach >wouldn't sit too well with you. Mike: [Archer] Logic smoggic, I want my voyage NOW! >(then) >Don't screw this up. > Tom: [Forrest] Cause then we'd need to do a pilot about another ship. >As they EXIT, Archer walks to the large window and raps on the glass. Crow: The window cracks open and they all spew into space! >Phlox and a couple of nurses turn to look. Archer gestures Phlox over. >Phlox looks surprised -- "me?" As he moves to Archer, curious... > Tom: I'm curious to know just when this plot will at least hit impulse speed. Crow: Yeah, by now Kirk would have violated the prime directive, opened fire on the enemy ships *and* hit on an Orion space babe. Tom: Picard would have overcome a holodeck malfunction, encouraged Data to develop human attributes, and tied it all together with a couple of Shakespearean references. Crow: Sisko would have overcome a holodeck malfunction, encouraged Odo to develop human attributes, and tied it all together with a couple of baseball references. Tom: Janeway would have overcome a holodeck malfunction, encouraged the doctor to develop human attributes, and tied it all together by tossing Neelix into the plasma vent, sending him to a smoky, fiery death. Crow: Really? Cool. Mike: That's it. Time out for fanboys. Bots: Awwww! [Mike picks Tom up and the trio exits the theater.] [1 . . . 2 . . . 3 . . . 4 . . . 5 . . . 6 . . . ] [The Bridge] [A computer sits on the counter, off to the left.] Mike: Okay, so they recycled a few plot devices over the years. Tom: Are you kidding? Paramount should be legally required to label each episode with that little triangle-arrow recycling logo. Mike: Give UPN a little credit here, guys. They know you're jaded. They ... [As Mike speaks, the hexfield opens without prompting, and a mysterious blurry humanoid figure appears.] Mike: Hi. Can we help you? Figure: [deeply] I have come to warn you! Warn you about an impending danger! Something that will shock you to your very core and [a buzzing noise can be heard in the background] Wait a sec. That's my laundry. Hang on for a sec! I'll be right back! [The Hexfield closes, leaving the trio to stare quizzically.] Mike: That was odd. [pause] Oh well, where was I? Crow: They know we're jaded. Mike: Ah. Right. They know you're jaded. They know you've seen it all before. That's why they're going back in time, to capture a fresh sense of wonder and excitement. Just imagine, meeting an alien species for the first time. [Crow starts tapping on the computer's keyboard.] Crow: You want excitement? You want wonder? You want aliens? You got 'em. Mike: What are you doing? Crow: [to himself] w-w-w-dot-send-me-an-alien-now-dot-com. Tom: [looking over Crow's shoulder] Wow! Are you sure Mike's ready for an experience *that* alien? Maybe something a little less -- Crow: Too late. Already hit "submit." Paid extra for the express delivery, too. Hey, did you know that Mike still has a credit card that's not maxed out? Mike: Maxed out? What have you guys been . . . then again, what's it worth for a chance to meet an alien? To experience a totally different culture and language. So many questions about social structure, belief systems, customs, art, science, literature ... I won't know where to begin. [There's a *pop* as a woman strongly resembling Bridget Jones (No, not the British one) appears on the SOL. She glances at her surroundings with a look of disdain, runs a finger along the countertop to check for dust, shudders, then crosses her arms and fixes Mike with a "What's the deal?" kind of look.] Mike: Uh, guys, just what did you order? Crow: Something totally alien to your experience. [Crow places himself between Mike & the woman.] Michael Nelson, allow me to present ... a girl! [Crow bows and backs away with a flourish. He and Tom Servo stand off to the side, whispering.] Mike: Well. So... you're a girl, huh? Woman: We prefer to be called "women" these days. Or Linda. Mike: Really? When did that happen? Woman: Linda? When I was born. Mike: No, the other one. Women: Like, ages ago. Where have you been for the last couple of decades, anyway? Mike: Well, recently I've been stuck on this satellite. Before that, Wisconsin. Woman: [Softly, in an "Oh, I'm sorry" voice.] Oh. Mike: Uh, look, I'm sorry about this. The bots wanted me to meet someone who was, well, alien to me. Woman: Well, I *am* from North Dakota. Mike: Oh really? How do you like Fargo? Woman: I love that movie. Mike: So there's really a movie? [The Movie sign starts flashing.] Tom: Mike, time to roll! We've got movie sign! Crow: Not a minute too soon. He was dying out there! Mike: No, darn it, I was just getting somewhere... [The woman disappears with a *pop* as the lights flash and the door sequence begins.] [6 . . . 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . .] [They enter the theater.] Mike: I think that went pretty well. Probably hook up with her again, maybe go out for a beer or something, catch a movie... Tom: Poor deluded sap. >EXT. SPACEDOCK (OPTICAL) > >in orbit of Earth, as before. Mike: Instead of hurtling towards Earth, as next season. > The Starship Enterprise is docked >inside, but just barely visible at this angle. > Tom: [dully] Oh the suspense is killing me. Or at least it would be if they hadn't shown it during the opening credits. >INT. ENTERPRISE -TRANSPORTER ALCOVE (OPTICAL) > >TACTICAL OFFICER, LIEUTENANT MALCOLM REED and the HELMSMAN, LIEUTENANT >TRAVIS MAYWEATHER are standing by the transport platform as a shipment >of CARGO CONTAINERS MATERIALIZE. Mike: Ah, the plot devices have just arrived. >Reed is a buttoned-up Englishman in his 30's; Crow: Obligatory stuffed-shirt twit. > Mayweather is an >African-American in his 20's. Tom: What? No character development in the description? What a disappointment! > As the beam-in ends, they step up >and begin to examine the cargo. Both men are in Starfleet uniform. > Crow: The pastel colored, TMP uniforms. Tom: They look like giant easter candies. >MAYWEATHER >I heard this platform's been approved for bio-transport. > >REED >I presume you mean fruits and vegetables. > Mike: They'll be beaming aboard the Chiquita Banana mascot later on. >MAYWEATHER >I mean Armory Officers and Helmsmen. > Tom: [Mayweather] But not Captains and Engineers. They get their own pods! Crow: [Reed] Lucky bastards! >REED >I don't think I'm quite ready to >have my molecules compressed into a data stream. > Mike: Yeah, it is kinda Captain Power-ish. >MAYWEATHER >They claim it's safe. > Tom: Yes, the transporter meets Ralph Nader's approval. >REED >Do they indeed? Well, I certainly hope the Captain doesn't plan on >making us use it. > Mike: It's nice to see that Starfleet selects only the bravest individuals for a life of dangerous space exploration. >MAYWEATHER >Don't worry, from what I'm told, he wouldn't even put his dog through >this thing. > Crow: His giraffe, sure, but his dog? Never! >Reed has opened a canister and breathes a sigh of frustration. > Mike: Yeah, Dinty Moore causes me to sigh too. >REED >This is ridiculous. I asked for plasma coils and they sent me a >case of valve sealant. Tom: And when I asked for pizza, they gave me broccoli! Those no-good bureaucrats... > There's no chance I can have the weapons >on-line in three days. > Crow: But you could seal the hell out of some valves. >MAYWEATHER >We're just taking a sick man back to his homeworld... why do we need >weapons? > Mike: In case they have to go through Detroit. >REED >Didn't you read the profile report on these Klingons? Apparently, they >sharpen their teeth before they go into battle. > Tom: The Klingon/Cavity Creep conflict has been long and violent. >Mayweather gives him an uneasy half-smile, > >CUT TO: > >INT. ENTERPRISE -CORRIDOR > Tom: This place sure is cramped! Crow: Either the budget went down or they're using Tom Arnold's backyard. >Minutes later. Reed and Mayweather are walking along. Crewmembers are >putting finishing touches on the ship, working at wall panels and >opened deck plating. > Tom: Of course, the contractors said they'd be done last March... >REED >No doubt Mister Tucker will reassure me that my equipment will be here >tomorrow. >(imitating Charlie's Southern accent) >"Keep your shirt on, Lieutenant. " > Crow: And, of course, "Would you like some propane and propane acessories"? Mike: [Charlie] That's another thing. Why does everyone snicker when they look at my red shirt? >MAYWEATHER >Is it me, or does the artificial gravity seem a bit heavy? > Tom: I've always said that about the gravity here. It prevented me from hovering above that grate. I complain and complain and complain, but do they listen? Noooooooo! >Reed takes a few measured steps. > Tom: One liter, two cubits, half a rod, three bushels, a googol of angstroms . . . >REED >Feels all right... Earth sea level. > Crow: [Reed] And the tons of salt water in the corridor help that sensation. >MAYWEATHER >My father always kept it at point eight G. He thought it put a little >spring in his step. > Tom: Sounds like someone's father was a lazy bastard. >REED >After being raised on cargo ships, it must've felt like you had >lead in your boots when you got to Earth. > Mike: I did. They were the style at the time! >MAYWEATHER >It did take some getting used to. > Crow: [Mayweather] Like that frog in my throat or that butterfly in my stomach. >Reed pauses at an opened wall panel, where a young female CREWMAN is >"tuning" a series of power conduits with a small device. > Tom: And the latest incarnation of the Doctor is busily using her sonic screwdriver... >REED >You may find that if you re-balance the polarities, you'll get that >done a bit faster, Crewman. > Crow: IfyaknowwhatImean... >They continue down the corridor > Tom: Oh, fine. Don't even give her a line. >INT. ENTERPRISE -MAIN ENGINEERING > >Unlike the spacious, brightly-lit engine rooms of future starships, >this is more like the cramped, red-lit nerve center of a nuclear >submarine. Mike: Walter Koenig was soon seen sneaking around, mumbling about some whale. > We see crewmembers busily getting the ship ready for >launch. > Tom: I believe they really mean 'lunch'. Crow: Launch, lunch, it'll happen soon. >Charlie is in his element Mike: Charlie! You get out of the Charlieonium this instant! It's unstable and about to decay! > --he's working atop the WARP CORE, which >extends horizontally across the room. > Crow: Whoops! That's the bar, folks. The Engine Room's further down the hall! >CHARLIE >(shouting down) >Okay, Alex, give it some juice! > Mike: [shouting up] Sunny D or Apple? >A crewman below throws a series of levers, and a pulsing pillar of >PLASMA courses through the warp core. > Crow: Killing the crewman who was inside cleaning the windows... >CHARLIE >(shouting down) >Beautiful! Lock it off right there! > >Charlie ducks and weaves through various outcroppings and slides down >an access ladder, dropping to the deck below. Tom: Then he grinds the railing and does a 180-degree jump. > He eyes the warp core, >notices something, reaches in his pocket, pulls out a handkerchief and >polishes off a small smudge on the casing. Mike: Nasty strawberry stains... > As he proudly inspects his >work... > Crow: Time-travelling Cardassians appear and shoot all the crewmembers. Cue Voyager... Mike: You did that already! >REED (O.C.) >I believe you missed a spot. > Tom: [Charlie]Of course I did. I cleaned it! >Charlie turns to see Reed and Mayweather standing at the rail. Crow: [Charlie, angry] Who dares question my cleaning abilities?!? You wanna clean up Engineering?!? > >REED >(making the introductions) >Commander Tucker, Lieutenant Travis Mayweather. He just >arrived. > All: Phew! Mike: Good, no huge introduction scene. >Charlie, ducking under the rail, extends his hand. > >CHARLIE >Our "Space Boomer." > Tom: Hey, cool! A show about a shaggy dog that travels through space, helping people with their personal problems. Mike: No, I think it's a show about a guy traveling through space who's too self-involved to care about anyone else's problems. Crow: Darn. I was hoping it was just things in space going "boom." >Mayweather shakes his hand, but can't keep his eyes off the engine. > Tom: Whaddaya expect? Nice nacelles on 'er. >MAYWEATHER >How fast have you gotten her? > >CHARLIE >Warp four... we'll be going to four-five as soon as we clear Jupiter. Crow: Is there really a difference between warps? Mike: After a certain point, you turn into a lizard. Otherwise, no. >Think you can handle it? > >MAYWEATHER >(in awe) >Four point five... > Tom: [in awe] Almost 63 mph... >REED >(all business) >Pardon me, but if I don't realign the deflector, the first grain of >space-dust we come across will blow a hole through this ship the size >of your fist. > Crow: [Reed] Or was it a hole the size of your ship through your fist? >CHARLIE >Keep your shirt on, Lieutenant. Your equipment'll be here in the >morning. > Mike: [Charlie] By the way, why did you note in your report that it was "absolutely vital" to have a foosball table on board? >Reed gives Mayweather a look. > Tom: Mayweather sees his look, and raises him two sniffs and a listen. >CUT TO: > >EXT. AMAZON UNIVERSITY Mike: Proudly teaching courses on how to lose money on the internet for 300 years. > -DAY (OPTICAL) > >A series of futuristic structures set in the Brazilian jungle. > Mike: The magic of Hollywood has wisked me there! >EXT. CLASSROOM- DAY (OPTICAL) > >Twenty or so human college STUDENTS are sitting in an open-air >classroom, the lush jungle visible beyond. Crow: Definitely not worried about jungle noises breaking their concentration, no siree. > They're speaking in unison. >The refrain they repeat is in a very alien language containing clicks >and bizarre guttural sounds. > Mike: Ooh! They're trying to communicate with Johnathan Livingston Seagull! >STUDENTS >Ghlungit !tak nekl.ee!c. > Tom: WHAT? YOU TAKE THAT BACK! Crow: If the future still has Klingon language camps, I want no part of it. >HOSHI (O.C.) >Very good. Again. > >STUDENTS >Ghlun~it !tak nekleet. Tom: NO ONE TALKS THAT WAY ABOUT MY MOTHER! Mike: You don't have a mother. Tom: Oh. Well, carry on then. > >At this point, we reveal ENSIGN HOSHI SATO, a spirited young woman. Mike: Her turn-ons are freedom, languages, and cheesecake... Crow: Once again, all this from ONE meeting? >Hoshi is an exo-linguist and the Enterprise COM OFFICER. At the >moment, she's teaching alien language. Tom: Which one? Mike: Does it matter? Tom: ...not really. > On a blackboard behind her, >we see alien writing. > Mike: [Reading] When in Rivendell, eat at Elrond's Eats? >HOSHI >(prompting) >Carlos. > >CARLOS recites the next phrase alone. > Tom: What? No foreshadowing into his personality? Mike: Looks like he's just a minor character. >CARLOS >Ltrunghi !krgltt! Mike: Do you get the feeling that they create these alien languages by having one of the writers let their cat walk around on their keyboard? > >Hoshi corrects one specific word. She does so with a sound that seems >almost impossible for a human to make. > Crow: Oh, like Trp]! > >HOSHI >!krgltt! > >Carlos attempts to repeat it, but can't quite get it right. > >CARLOS >!krgltt! > Mike: I don't see the difference. Tom: It doesn't help in a script format. >HOSHI >Tighten the back of your tongue >(demonstrating) Crow: Otherwise it might fall out of your mouth. >!kr~ltt! > Tom: Hey, she changed the word! No fair! >As Carlos futilely attempts to get the word right, Crow: Wuss. > Hoshi notices >Captain Archer standing at the back of the class. He's wearing a muted >Hawaiian shirt, jeans and tennis shoes. > Tom: No, wait. That's Magnum. >HOSHI >Keep trying. You've almost got it. Crow: Like Dan Quayle almost getting a spell checker. >(to all) >I'll be right back. > >As Hoshi heads toward Archer... > Crow: Time-traveling Bajorans... >CUT TO: > >EXT. AMAZON UNIVERSITY -JUNGLE PATH -DAY > >Archer and Hoshi are walking along, mid-conversation Tom: 'Cause it's always a good idea to start a conversation in the middle of it. > >HOSHI >There's two more weeks before exams. It's impossible for me to leave >now. > >ARCHER >You've got to have someone who can cover for you. Mike: [Archer] How about Lenny? Or Carl? > >HOSHI >If there was anyone else who could do what I do, you wouldn't be so >eager to have me on your space ship. > Tom: Well la-de-da-da! >ARCHER >Hoshi... > Crow: [Archer] How about that green dinosaur relative of yours? Tom: [Hoshi] Not all my relatives have names that rhyme... >HOSHI >I'm sorry, Captain. I owe it to > these kids. > Crow: Yeah, I'm sure they'd hate to skip finals. >ARCHER >I could order you. > Tom: [Hoshi] Would you like fries with me? >HOSHI >I'm on leave from Starfleet, remember? You'd have to forcibly recall >me, which would require a reprimand which would disqualify me from >serving on an active vessel. > Crow: Uh, and how would this work for Archer? Tom: It doesn't. Crow: Oh. >ARCHER >I need someone with your ear. > Mike: [Archer] And your ability to make funny clicking sounds! >HOSHI >And you'll have her... in three weeks. > Mike: [Shatner] I can't wait ... three weeks Hoshi. I need full ear in three hours ... or we're all dead! >Archer removes a small DEVICE from his breast pocket, and taps a >button on it. Crow: [Archer] Hmmm, Ziggy says I'll be having a Vulcan on my ship soon. > We HEAR the sound of a voice speaking the Klingon >language. >Hoshi reacts, intrigued. > >HOSHI What's that? > Mike: An audio recorder. See? >ARCHER >Klingon. >(beat) Tom: [Archer] Some bumpy-forehead species. >Ambassador Soval gave us a sampling of their linguistic database. > Crow: Or possibly some new Bantu rap fusion band. We're not really sure. >HOSHI >I thought you said the Vulcans were opposed to this. > Mike: He did? Crow: [Archer] To start off my conversation, I'll just say that those arrogant Vulcans are opposed to anything I do. Oh, and nice to see you again. >ARCHER >They are. But we agreed to make a few... compromises. > Tom: Speaking of which, what size dog collar do you wear? >Hoshi listens to the Klingon voice > Crow: [Hoshi] He sounds cute! >HOSHI >What do you know about these... Klingons? > Mike: [Archer] People dress up like them at sci-fi conventions. >ARCHER >(seductively) Tom: Ooh. Archer's going in Kirk's footsteps. Er, pre-footsteps. >Not much. An empire of warriors with eighty poly-guttural dialects >constructed on an adaptive syntax. > Crow: Oooh, I love it when you talk linguistics, baby. Mike: How can you make THAT sound seductive? >HOSHI >Turn it up. > >Archer taps a control, and the Klingon voice gets louder. As Hoshi >listens... > Crow: She gets incredibly turned on! Mike: I guess everyone has a fetish for something. Tom: That MIGHT explain the whole Carlos fiasco. >ARCHER >Think about it. You'd be the first human to talk to these people. Crow: Not counting the farmer. Tom: But that was more shoot than talk. >(beat) >Do you really want someone else to do it? > >Hoshi looks at him, breathes a sigh. They both know she's been hooked. > Mike: Hooked on Linguistics, works for me! >CUT TO: > >EXT. SPACEDOCK (OPTICAL) > >in orbit. Enterprise is barely visible docked inside. > Tom: The Enterprise is a quiet fellow, usually hiding in docks when in weakness. >INT. ENTERPRISE -READY ROOM (OPTICAL) > >Archer and Charlie are standing at the window, looking at a section of >the Spacedock. > Mike: [Charlie] You think we should do something about that ensign floating in space? >CHARLIE >Since when do we have Vulcan Science Officers? > Tom: 1966, IIRC. >ARCHER >Since we needed starcharts to get to Kronos. Crow: Mapstarquest.com must be down. > >CHARLIE >So we get a few maps... and they get to put a spy on our ship? Crow: I believe they call that an "information exchange". > >ARCHER >Admiral Forrest says we should think of her more as a "chaperone." Tom: She's keeping the ship from slow dancing with other ships? Mike: That would have been useful with Kirk's ship. > >CHARLIE >I thought the whole point of this was to get away from the Vulcans. Tom: [Archer] Oh, right! Next time we'll just go without the maps and hope the nearest planet we bump into is Kronos! > >ARCHER >Four days there, four days back... then she's gone. In the meantime, >we're to extend her every courtesy. > Mike: [Archer] By the way, I've made you bellhop. Now go fetch her luggage. >CHARLIE >I don't know... I'd be more comfortable with Porthos on the Bridge. > >The door CHIMES. > Crow: [Lurch] You rang? >ARCHER >Here we go. Tom: Yep. A half hour in and here we go. >(to com) >Come in. > >T'Pol ENTERS from the Bridge, wearing her Vulcan uniform, holding a >PADD. > Crow: With wings? >T'POL >(hands Archer a PADD) >This confirms that I was formally transferred to your command at oh >eight hundred hours. Mike: [T'Pol] There must be a mistake. I reported at oh eight oh one hours! > Reporting for duty. > >Archer eyes the PADD. Mike: [Archer] T'Pol? That's a Gameboy. > There's an uncomfortable pause. Tom: Which is made more uncomfortable when Charlie starts singing "House on Pooh Corner". > T'Pol sniffs the >air and glances about --it's obvious something smells unpleasant to >her. Crow: Vulcans *are* smart. They're repulsed by Aqua Velva. > She looks to one corner, where PORTHOS, the Captain's DOG, lays >sleeping. Crow: Awwww, the cude widdle puppy...! > Archer looks up from the PADD and notices her nasal distress. > >ARCHER >Is there a problem? > >T'POL >No, sir > Crow: Other than than your dog Stinky, everything just fine. >Archer realizes he's found a button to push. Tom: Ooooo, button pretty. Archer like button. > >ARCHER >Oh, I forgot... Vulcan females >have a heightened sense of smell. Tom: [Archer] Don't worry. Chances are the dog thinks you smell bad too. >(re: dog) >I hope Porthos isn't too offensive to you. Mike: He's the Becker of on-ship dogs. > >T'POL >(with attitude) Tom: Ooh! Sassy! Crow: If by "with attitude", you mean "being stuck-up"... >I've been trained to tolerate offensive situations. Mike: [T'Pol] By being totally offensive myself. > >CHARLIE >I took a shower this morning... how about you, Captain? Mike: [Archer] I was there, remember? > >ARCHER >I'm sorry. Crow: [Archer] I was too busy trying on dresses. > This is Commander Charles Tucker. >(to Charlie) >Sub-Commander T'Pol. > >Charlie extends his hand > >CHARLIE >I'm called Charlie. Crow: I'm kinda free. Kinda wow. > >T'POL >(dry) >I'll try to remember that. > Mike: Since when did logical become aloof? >Archer eyes T'Pol. > Tom: Hey, no one's dryer than me! >ARCHER >While you may not share our enthusiasm about this mission, I expect >you to follow our rules... Crow: [Archer] Which we'll make up along the way. > what's said in this room and out on that >Bridge is classified... privileged information. >(beat) >I don't want every word I say being picked apart the next day by the >Vulcan High Command. > Mike: I mean, if Archer talks about who he thinks will win the Super Bowl, that's HIS problem! >T'POL >My reason for being here is not espionage. Crow: [T'Pol] It's ratings, silly! > My superiors simply asked >me to assist you. > >ARCHER >Your superiors don't think we can flush a toilet without one of you to >"assist" us. Mike: [Archer] A guy floods the bathroom at the Vulcan High Command just *once* and he never hears the end of it. > >T'POL >(cool) Crow: [T'Pol] Like, logic, dude. Whoa. >I didn't request this assignment, >Captain... and you can be certain that when the mission's over, I'll >be as pleased to leave this ship as you'll be to have me go. Tom: If your name wasn't in the opening credits, I just might believe you. > >She glances down at Porthos, who is sniffing at her leg. > Mike: [T'Pol] My acting may be wooden, but don't even think about it. >T'POL >If there's nothing else... > >Archer waits a beat, letting Porthos sniff away. Tom: [Archer] Go, my pretty! SNIFF! SNIFF! > >ARCHER >Porthos! > >The dog obediently moves back to its bed. > >ARCHER >That'll be all. > Mike: [Archer] You passed the sniffer-dog test, you're clean. >As T'Pol EXITS... Crow: A group of time-traveling fanfic authors... ah, I give up on this. Mike: And none too soon. > >DISSOLVE TO: > >INT. SPACEDOCK- OBSERVATION DECK (OPTICAL) > >Admiral Forrest is addressing a large group of invited guests, >including various Starfleet brass, a contingent of Vulcan dignitaries, >and the senior staff of Enterprise: Archer, Charlie, T'Pol, Reed, >Mayweather, and Hoshi. Tom: And other noted Star Trek figures! Like Shatner! Nimoy! Stewart! Brooks! Mulgrew! Phillips! And the tribble that sat on Kirk's chair! > Part of ENTERPRISE can be seen out the >observation window. > >ADMIRAL FORREST >When Zefram Cochrane made his legendary warp flight ninety years >ago... Crow: He was whacked out on tequila shooters and leering at Deanna Troi. > and drew the attention of our new friends, the Vulcans, we >realized that we weren't alone in the galaxy. >(beat) Mike: [Forrest] How quickly we became to resent that fact. >Today we're about to cross a new threshold. For nearly a century, >we've waded ankle-deep in the ocean of space... now it's finally >time to swim. > Tom: It was the Vulcan's job to make sure Earth waited a half hour after eating before swimming in the ocean of space. >The crowd applauds enthusiastically. The Vulcans observe them >stoically. > Mike: Oh, they're just waiting until the caterers arrive. >ADMIRAL FORREST >(continuing) >The warp five engine wouldn't be a reality without men like Doctor >Cochrane and Henry Archer, who worked so hard to develop it. So it's >only fitting that Henry's son, Jonathan Archer, will command the first >starship powered by that engine. > Tom: And not, say, some diplomatic weenie versed in first contact. >Forrest nods to Archer, who leads his crew toward a nearby set of >doors. > Mike: [Archer] Okay, they finally said my name. Come on, let's get out of here before those Vulcans lecture me again. >ADMIRAL FORREST >(continuing) >Rather than quoting Doctor >Cochrane, I think we should listen to his own words from the ground >breaking ceremony for the Warp Five Complex... thirty-two years ago... Crow: Oddly enough, it's the same footage that caught glimpse of the 'mysterious ship' that was in their orbit when Cochrane did his work. > >Forrest looks toward the large window, which also serves as a >VIEWSCREEN. Mike: And a TAKE-OUT WINDOW, and an ASTROMETRICS LAB, and... > It comes alive with ARCHIVAL FOOTAGE of an elderly ZEFRAM >COCHRANE giving a speech. > Tom: [Cochrane] ...And that is why I always brush my teeth. >Standing beside him at a construction site are a number of fellow >scientists, including Archer's father, Henry, who is only a few years >younger than when we saw him in the opening scene. > Mike: And if you people at home haven't seen Henry the first time, then you're no good at "Where's Waldo". >COCHRANE >On this site, a powerful engine will be built... an engine that will >someday let us travel a hundred times faster than we can today. > Tom: [Cochrane] I call it an automobile! >As the speech continues... > Crow: The Vulcans start wondering when the humans will stop their exploratory diatribe and start listening to logic. >INT. ENTERPRISE -BRIDGE > >Far more basic than future starship, this command center lacks the >"airport terminal" feel of Enterprises A through E. Tom: Airport terminal? Mike: No wonder I always had a sudden craving for peanuts. > A central >Captain's chair is surrounded by various stations, Mike: Exxon, Conoco, Sinclair... Crow: Fox, CNN, UPN... Tom: Amtrak, Greyhound, Shining Time... > the floors and >walls, are mostly steel, with source light coming nom myriad glowing >panels. No carpets on the floors, no wood paneling on the walls, >high-tech gauges, dials. > Tom: Instead, it was covered with crunchy cookies! Mike: Do I get the feeling this series is more about what *isn't* there than what is? >COCHRANE (O.C.) >(continuing) >Imagine it. Thousands of inhabited planets at our fingertips. > Mike: Soon crushed in our vice like grip! >T'Pol, Reed, Mayweather and Hoshi take their stations... and Archer >takes the Captain's chair... > Tom: And a game of musical chairs ends. Mike: "Hooray! Everyone wins!" >COCHRANE (O.C.) >(continuing) >And we'll be able to explore those strange new worlds... and seek out >new life and new civilizations. > Tom: [Cochrane] And see all their bumpy foreheads! >INT. OBSERVATION DECK (OPTICAL) > >Cochrane on the Viewscreen... > >COCHRANE (continuing) >This engine will let us go boldly... where no man has gone before. > Mike: So, the opening narration of every TOS and TNG show was really a ripoff from that speech? Crow: I knew Kirk didn't really come up with that line. >EXT. SPACEDOCK (OPTICAL) > >Mooring lines SNAP AWAY in bursts of frozen vapor. > Tom: Congratulations, spacedock! It's a new series! >INT. ENTERPRISE -MAIN ENGINEERING > >Charlie stands before the now throbbing warp core. > Crow: [Charlie, slyly] Any of you ladies turned on by the warp core as I am? >INT. BRIDGE > >Archer and his crew,as before. Archer leans forward in the Captain's >chair. > Tom: [Archer] If my diplomacy bites, I'll schmooze them! God, I'm handsome! > > >FLASHBACK: CLOSE ON YOUNG ARCHER'S FACE (OPTICAL) > >as a tiny ANTI-GRAV UNIT the size of a Dixie cup floats up into frame. >The humming unit hovers before the transfixed child. > Crow: When Dixie Cups Attack! >FLASHBACK: CLOSE ON ARCHER'S FATHER (OPTICAL) > >working a small control unit, smiles warmly at his son. > >FLASHBACK: WIDER ON YOUNG ARCHER'S FACE (OPTICAL) > >as the anti-grav unit settles back on the table. The father plucks the >unit out of the air and hands it to the boy, who inserts it into the >starship model. > Tom: [Father] Uh, son. Maybe you should put it in the slot, not the cockpit. You're squishing the captain >RESUME CAPTAIN ARCHER > >as he reflects a beat, then: > Crow: Is told by T'Pol that daydreaming is illogical. >ARCHER >Take her out... straight and steady, Mister Mayweather. Tom: [Archer] We don't want to botch it all up in the beginning, now, do we? > >EXT. SPACEDOCK (OPTICAL) > >The great ship is moving out of its berth. On the hull, we see the >name ENTERPRISE - NX-01. > Crow: Nix one? Nixon? >EXT. SPACE -ENTERPRISE (OPTICAL) > >Our first full view of the majestic ship as it clears the dock and >moves into open space. Enterprise is lean and masculine, yet its twin >warp nacelles suggest the shape of Starfleet vessels to come. > Mike: Okay, is it me, or are we getting this "Star Trek: The Motion Picture" deja vu? Tom: Great, now we'll have the theme song play over and over again while we wait for something to happen! >INT. BRIDGE > >Archer taps a button on the arm of his chair. Tom: [Archer] Hello, room service? > >ARCHER >How are we doing, Charlie? > Crow: [Charlie] We just started the series, John! How am I supposed to judge ratings now? >INT. MAIN ENGINEERING > >Charlie working at the warp core, which is now pulsing at full power. > >CHARLIE >Ready when you are. > >ARCHER'S COM VOICE >Prepare for warp one. Crow: Chicken! Just floor it! > >INT. BRIDGE > >MAYWEATHER >Course laid in, sir. >(beat) Mike: [Mayweather] I SAID... >Request permission to get underway. > >T'Pol studies her console and turns to Archer. > >T'POL >(critical) >The coordinates are off by point two degrees. > Tom: [Archer] Oh darn it! Then we'll have to stop the whole mission so we can account for the TWO FLIPPIN' DEGREES! Crow: Logic dictates that being perfectionist is the only way to go! >Archer won't let her spoil the moment he's waited so long for. > >ARCHER >Thank you. >(to Mayweather) >Let's go. > Mike: [T'Pol] Going through warp ain't like dusting crops, boy... [pause] now why did I say that? >EXT. SPACE- ENTERPRISE (OPTICAL) > >A crescent of EARTH is seen as the ship BLASTS to WARP. > Crow: NOW it GETS really EXCITING! Mike: What ADVENTURES await our HEROES? Tom: TUNE in and find OUT! >CUT TO: > >INT. SULIBAN HELIX -TEMPORAL CHAMBER (OPTICAL) > [The bots hum the Imperial March. They get louder as the scene goes by.] >Dimly-lit, filled with labyrinthine technology. Mike: Kinda like the set of Tron. Tom: Or the underground levels in Super Mario Bros. > The room is bisected >by an archway that creates a rippling BARRIER of ENERGY. Crow: A force field? Mike: It could be one of those invisible dog fences. > This is a >place where people from two different time frames can briefly coexist; Tom: Oh, no, It's "Meeting of the Minds!" >the Suliban come here to meet with visitors from a distant century. Mike: Whoops! Crow: Yeah, ignore that revelation for later episodes in the season, folks. > >Two men stand on opposite sides of the barrier. On our side is a >Suliban named SILIK; on the other, Tom: Six feet tall, weighing in at 230 lbs., the current champion of the galaxy... FISHHHHHHHEAAAAD MCGEEEEEE! > we can barely make out the image of >a HUMANOID FIGURE. All: Hey! Mike: Great. Characters are popping into the SoL before they're formally introduced. Tom: Well, he was from the future, Mike. Crow: And now the challenger, height unknown, weighing in at unknown, and just plain mysterious, THEEEEEE ARCH-VILLAIIIIIIINNNNN! > Both men stand at identical high-tech podiums. Mike: Ack! It's the Presidential Debates! > >As they speak, their WORDS and IMAGES seem to PRE-ECHO in a strange >effect -- we can see and hear things a split-second before they >happen. Tom: Unlike our Congress. > It's a disquieting and eerie feeling of two worlds slightly >out of phase with each other. > Tom: Actually it's an annoying and distracting feeling of a crappy special effect. Crow: And yet they seem to be comfortable with looking like cheap 80s rock videos. >Silik, in his fifties, has the same dappled skin as the Suliban we >briefly saw at Broken Bow. Mike: He looks good for a Suliban in his fifties, don't you think? Crow: Not a day over forty-five. > He's a high-ranking member of the Suliban >Cabal. Mike: They're a group of Art Bells and Dale Gribbles? > The Humanoid Figure who faces him is a male of indeterminate >age; we can barely make out his appearance or his words. Crow: Oh, so he's Bigfoot. > Mid-scene: > > >HUMANOID FIGURE >Where's Klaang? > Tom: Weird. That figure sounds just like Dean Wormer. Crow: Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life, Mr. Silik. >SILIK >The humans have him. > Mike: [Silik] Shall I patch you through to them, sir? >HUMANOID FIGURE >Did you lose anyone else? > Crow: [Silik] We lost Elvis, Jimmy Hoffa, and reruns of "Growing Pains". >SILIK >Two of my soldiers were killed. Tom: [Silik] There goes half my army. >One of them was a friend. Can you prevent it? Mike: Prevent something that happened? > >HUMANOID FIGURE >Our agreement doesn't provide for correcting mistakes. Tom: [Figure] Plus it would just confuse the audience. >(firm) >Recover the evidence. > Mike: [Silik] Very well. Shall I bring back their incinerated corpses? >SILIK >I will... I promise you. Crow: Ha, ha! He had his fingers crossed! >(beat) >When will we speak again? > Tom: [Figure] When the Alvanian cave sloth finally wakes up. >HUMANOID FIGURE >Don't be concerned with when. Crow: [Figure] It could be just a few seconds for all we know! It's the way time-travel works! > >The figure vanishes... and a moment later, so does the barrier of >energy. OFF Silik... > >EXT. SPACE -ENTERPRISE (OPTICAL) > >as it dramatically flies past at warp. > Tom: Moving faster than light! Which makes it awfully hard to show in establishing shots... >CLOSE ON ARCHER'S FACE > >distorted through a JAR Crow: No! It's a Phantom Menace crossover! > he's holding that's filled with viscous pink >fluid. Mike: Hand soap or reanimating fluid? You make the call. > Tiny corkscrew ORGANISMS flit through the liquid. As he turns >the jar back and forth, studying the tiny creatures... Tom: He accidentally pours the contents on his shoe, where the organisms chew until they reach his foot. > >ARCHER >Love what you've done with the place. > Crow: Yeah, the jar does seem a lot roomier now, don't it? >PHLOX (O.C.) >Those are immunocytic gel worms... try not to shake them. > Mike: They must be carbonated. Crow: [Phlox] I need to put them back in my immunocytic tequila bottle. >REVEAL we're in -- > >INT. ENTERPRISE -SICKBAY (OPTICAL) > Crow: Nothing gets by you, script! >Where Phlox (the quirky alien seen at Starfleet Medical) is carefully >placing various medical paraphernalia on shelves. Tom: Plungers, screwdrivers, dominoes, throw pillows... > The jars and tools >are definitely not Starfleet issue. Mike: What? They don't even have the Starfleet Seal of Approval? I'm shocked! > In the b.g., Klaang (the Klingon) >is lying on a bio-bed, unconscious. Mike: Harry [the Human], Randy [the Romulan], and Vyx [the Vulcan] were at his bedside. > Archer hands Phlox the jar of >pink fluid, and continues to pass him other articles out of a large >packing case during the conversation. > >ARCHER >So what'd you think of Earth? > Tom: I don't know, I've never been on it personally. Crow: Besides, every time we get an experiment, it makes me less and less eager to go down there. >PHLOX >Intriguing. I especially liked the Chinese food. Have you ever tried >it? > Mike: And as we all know, an alien would get to try out Earth recipes long before a long-time Earthling does. >ARCHER >I've lived in San Francisco all my life. > Tom: And your hair is brown. Now have you tried it or not? >PHLOX >Anatomically, you humans are somewhat simplistic... but what >you lack biologically you make up for with your charming optimism... Mike: Tell that to Crow. Crow: Hey! >not to mention your egg drop soup. Tom: [Phlox] But those fortune cookies? Absolutely wrong! And why should I eat the paper that comes inside? >(re: his medical gear) >Be very careful with the blue box. > Mike: [Phlox] Those are my glass recyclables. >Archer gingerly passes him a small blue box with breathing holes on >either side. Some unseen creature skitters within. > >ARCHER >What's in there? > Tom: [Phlox] Oh, that's Martin Short. Put him down. >PHLOX >An Altarian marsupial... their droppings contain the greatest >concentration of regenerative enzymes found anywhere. > Crow: Sphincter factor of 9.5. >ARCHER >(uncomfortably) >Their droppings? > Mike: Note to self- never mention what honey is made of to Archer. >PHLOX >(philosophical) >If you're going to try to embrace new worlds... you must try to >embrace new ideas. That's why the Vulcans initiated the Interspecies >Medical Exchange... there's a lot to be learned! > Crow: [Archer] Well, I'm still holding out until they start the Interspecies Stock Exchange. Seriously, those hi-tech stocks must be worth *something*! >ARCHER >I'm sorry I had to take you away from your program... Mike: [Archer] I know how addictive Tetris is. > but our doctors >haven't even heard of a Klingon. > Crow: Except for the proctologists. >PHLOX >Please, no apologies! What better time to study human beings than when >they're under pressure? It's a rare opportunity. Crow: [Phlox] And if you explode, hey, internal organs are cool! >(re: Klaang) >And your Klingon friend... I've never had a chance to examine a living >one before. > Tom: Well, unless he's dead... then it'll be Phlox's first chance to do an autopsy! Mike: Some doctors have all the fun! >ARCHER >Lieutenant Mayweather tells me we'll be to Kronos in about eighty >hours. Tom: Eighty hours? We don't have that long an episode! Mike: So, that'll be Sunday morning then... That won't work! We'll be up against Meet the Press! > Any chance he'll be conscious by then? > >PHLOX >There's a chance he'll be conscious within the next ten minutes... >just not a very good one. > Tom: [Phlox] And there's even a smaller chance that he'll be up singing five Klingon opera songs in a row! >ARCHER >Eighty hours, Doctor. If he doesn't walk off this ship on his own two >feet, he doesn't stand much of a chance. > >PHLOX >I'll do the best I can. >(off his doubtful look) >Optimism, Captain! > Mike: Yeah, isn't that just Prime. >Phlox SMILES a grin of inhuman proportions (and with the help of a >VISUAL EFFECT, it will be like no smile we've seen before). Crow: Actually, it's similar to Jim Carrey's "The Grinch" smile. > Archer >realizes he's gotten all he's going to get out of his new doctor. He >walks to Klaang, stops for a beat, then heads for the door... > Tom: Let's see how the rest of the character development is going... >CUT TO: > >INT. ENTERPRISE- CRAMPED CRAWLSPACE (OPTICAL) > >Charlie is climbing up a ladder through a narrow passageway. As he >reaches the top, he stares above him. .. Mike: [Charlie] How many of these things do I have to climb in this series? > >CHARLIE >You're upsidedown, lieutenant. > >CAMERA WIDENS to reveal Mayweather comfortably sitting on what appears >to be the CEILING. > Crow: Wow. Lionel Ritchie technology. >MAYWEATHER >Yes, sir. > >CHARLIE >Care to explain why? > >MAYWEATHER >When I was a kid, we called it the "sweet spot. " Every ship's got >one. Tom: You can shoot 3-pointers from it, no problem! > >CHARLIE >(intrigued) >Sweet spot. > Mike: [Charlie] I'll show you "sweet spot", if you don't get down there! >MAYWEATHER >It's usually about halfway between the grav-generator and the bow >plate. > >He points to a thin conduit that crosses below him > >MAYWEATHER >Grab hold of that conduit. Tom: Ew! Not in public! > >Charlie reaches for the conduit. > Crow: Gary Conduit? Mike: Starfleet must have finally found the body. >MAYWEATHER >Now swing your legs up. > >Charlie hesitates. > >MAYWEATHER >Swing your legs. > Tom: [Mayweather] You DO know what 'swing' is, right? Crow: [Charlie] It's true! I can't dance squat! There, I said it! >Charlie swings his legs up, and to his amazement, they stay up -- his >curled body floating in ZERO G. > >CHARLIE >Wow > Mike: [Charlie] Zero G... it's like... well, my training? >MAYWEATHER >Now let go. > Tom: Now bend over and cough. >Charlie releases his grip, and his entire body FLOATS in mid-air. Crow: Look folks, no mirrors, no strings! >Charlie laughs in delight as he slowly turns. He tries to control his >movements, but CRASHES onto the "ceiling" where Mayweather is sitting. > >MAYWEATHER >Takes practice. > >As Charlie settles in next to him... > Crow: There WOULD'VE been a group of time-traveling Fembots, but they got lost in the Zero G. > >MAYWEATHER >Ever slept in zero G? > >CHARLIE >Slept? > Mike: [Charlie] Don't give me this stuff about "sleeping"! We all know it's just a myth! >MAYWEATHER >Like being back in the womb. > Mike: Only it's not quite as wet. Oh, and there's no cord. And you keep bumping into walls... Tom: I'm just curious as when he's slept in a womb recently to compare the experiences. >Charlie eyes him, curious. Crow: [Charlie] The womb, eh? > >CHARLIE >Captain tells me you've been to Trillius Prime. > Crow: [Charlie] Did you meet Steve? >MAYWEATHER >Took the fourth, fifth and sixth grades to get there. I've also >been to Draylax and both the Andorian Moons. > Mike: [Mayweather] And yet I've never been to Disneyland. Crow: I've even been to paradise, but I've never been to me. >CHARLIE >I've only been to one inhabited planet besides Earth... nothing there >but dust-dwelling ticks. Crow: [Charlie] One kept yelling "SPOOOON!" a lot, though. >(beat, curious) >I've heard the women on Draylax have... Tom: Cooties? > >MAYWEATHER (nodding) >Three... it's true. > Mike: Wow! Three washing machines apiece! Crow: They must use a ton of fabric softener! >CHARLIE (impressed) >You know that first-hand? > >MAYWEATHER >First-hand, second-hand, and third-hand. > Mike: Oh, so they have three hands then? >CHARLIE >I guess growing up a boomer has its advantages. Crow: [whispering to Mike] I think they're talking about boobies. Mike: [whispers back] Me too. Tom: If you don't mind hard-suited bimbos shooting at you. > >They share a smile... > Tom: But not the drink. >CUT TO: > >INT. CREW MESS > >Busy. A dozen or so CREWMEMBERS are sitting at long, metal tables, >helping themselves at the food line, and getting drinks at a row of >high-tech beverage dispensers. Tom: And yet, they STILL have to choose between Coke or Pepsi? Crow: Unfortunately, all the dispensers have is Diet RC. > Charlie ENTERS and starts walking across >the room, passes a group of crewmen having dinner. > >CREWMAN FLETCHER >(to Charlie) >Got an empty seat here, Commander. > Crow: Cool! They're going to re-enact "My Dinner with Fletcher". >CHARLIE >Sorry. Dinner with the boss tonight. > >Charlie heads toward a small door at the end of the room... > Crow: (Fletcher) He's been passing by this room four times now, every time having to tell us that he's gonna have dinner with the boss. What a kiss-up! >INT. CAPTAIN'S MESS > >A small, nicely-appointed room with a table for four >(six in a pinch) Mike: Nine if Gimli and the boys stop by. > that is covered by a white tablecloth. The room is >warmly lit by two candles at the center of the table. Archer and T'Pol >are seated across from each other, mid-conversation. > Crow: [Archer] So, I hear you Vulcans have heightened senses. Shall I please them? [Mike sighs.] >ARCHER >The Grand Canyon? > >T'POL >No. > Tom: [Archer] I'm not good at this guessing game. Is it Alaska? >ARCHER >Big Sur Aquarium? > Tom: [Archer] Oregon? Wisconsin?... Canada? Crow: [T'Pol] It's Washington, you moron! Sheesh, you humans don't even understand your own geography! >T'POL >Sightseeing was not one of my assignments. > Mike: [T'Pol] That was Ambassador National Geographic. >ARCHER >All work and no play... >(off her puzzled look) Crow: Makes T'Pol a confused girl. >Everyone should get out for a little R & R now and then. > >T'POL >All our recreational needs are provided at the Compound. Mike: Yeah, nothing a quick trip to McDonalds couldn't fix. > >The door CHIMES. > >ARCHER >Come in. > >Charlie ENTERS from the Mess Hall. Tom: Hmmm, odd... the other shows never had a separate captain's mess. Mike: Nah, there's always the "Briefing Room". Crow: Bah, it's more of a "recap-the-plot" room than anything. > >CHARLIE >You should've started without me. > Mike: [Charlie] I'm really not that hungry... Tom: [Archer] Nonsense! You must try my cooking. Mike: [Charlie] That's what I was afraid of... >Archer indicates the chair to his left. > >ARCHER >Sit down > Crow: [Archer] I ORDER you to eat dinner! >Charlie takes, aseat and reaches for a bread stick, starts chomping. >T'Pol raises an eyebrow at his noisy eating habits. Archer extends the >basket to T'Pol, who removes a bread stick and places it on her plate. > Crow: It's rich in bready goodness! >ARCHER >(to Charlie) >T'Pol tells me she's been living at the Vulcan Compound in Sausalito. > >CHARLIE >(chomping away) >No kidding. I lived a few blocks from there when I was at the Academy. Crow: [Charlie] We used to leave a flaming paper bag by Ambassador Soval's room. Man, those were the days! >(sarcastic) >Great parties at the Vulcan Compound. Tom: Especially when that Pon Farr thingy starts. ROWR! > >T'Pol doesn't respond to this --she's too busy trying to cut the bread >stick with her knife and fork. But it's too crisp, and crumbles. Crow: Silly Vulcan. Don't you know they have a breadstick knife somewhere? > >ARCHER >(diplomatic) >It might be a little easier using your fingers. Tom: Archer's first diplomatic act is addressing T'Pol's table manners? [beat] Figures. > >T'POL >Vulcans don't touch food with their hands. > Mike: Which explains Vulcan Chip Tongs. >She changes her tack --holds the bread stick with her fork, gently >sawing it with the edge of her knife. > >CHARLIE >Can't wait to see you tackle the spare ribs. Crow: Why not? We only have two hours to kill! > >T'Pol glances at Archer. > >ARCHER >Don't worry. We know you're a vegetarian. Mike: Logic dictates that advanced species are all herbivores. > >At this point, the door leading to the kitchen opens and a STEWARD >enters carrying three plates of food. Tom: Oddly enough, they were all for Charlie. Crow: Ice cream sandwiches! I can't wait to see T'Pol eat them! > As he places them down, we see >that Archer and Charlie are being served meat, while T'Pol receives a >platter of grilled vegetables. > >CHARLIE Looks delicious. >(to Steward) >Tell Chef I said thanks. > Tom: Oh, and tell him I love his salty, chocolate balls. >The steward nods and EXITS. As the two men begin to eat, T'Pol >continues to methodically saw at the bread stick. > Mike: No wonder why T'Pol looks amazingly thin. She can't even eat a breadstick without methodically sawing it! >T'POL >You humans claim to be >enlightened, yet you still consume the flesh of animals. Crow: Look who's talking, you breadstick sawyer! Tom: This message brought to you by PETA. PETA! Reminding you that bunnies are cute and tofu is yummy! > >CHARLIE >(mouth full, wry) >Grandma taught me never to judge a species by their eating habits. Tom: [Charlie] If we did that, I'd say your species is too stuck-up and snooty. > >ARCHER >"Enlightened" may be too strong a word, Mike: [Archer] But so is "discombobulated". > but if you'd been on Earth >fifty years ago, I think you'd be impressed by what we've gotten done. Crow: [Archer] We've haven't eaten babies in over fifty years! > >T'POL >You've yet to embrace either patience or logic... you remain impulsive >carnivores. > Mike: [T'Pol] And you still watch Reality TV shows. >CHARLIE >Yeah? How about war... disease... hunger? Crow: [Charlie] We got all that, and more! > Pretty much wiped 'em out in >less than two generations. I wouldn't call that small potatoes. Mike: Baked beans, maybe? Crow: Stop it! I'm getting hungry already. > >T'POL >It remains to be seen whether humanity will revert to its baser >instincts. > >CHARLIE >(tweaking her) >We used to have cannibals on Earth. Who knows how far we'll revert? Crow: A planet where apes evolved from... Tom: Dah! Don't remind us, Crow. >Lucky this isn't a long mission. > >ARCHER >Human instinct is pretty strong -- you can't expect us to change >overnight. > Crow: [Archer] Unless it becomes a fad or something. >She finally saws off a section of bread stick, and gracefully slides >it onto her fork. > >T'POL >With proper discipline, anything's possible. Mike: Like maybe humans beating you silly pointy-ears at everything? Crow: Not now, Mike. Let her enjoy her superiority complex. > >As she places the bread into her mouth > Tom: Everyone in the writers staff decided not to write another dinner scene again. >EXT. SPACE- ENTERPRISE (OPTICAL) > >Streaking at warp. The ship seems to pick up speed and >RACES past CAMERA. > Crow: Meanwhile, Elliot Ness races towards Capone's hideout! >INT. ENTERPRISE -BRIDGE > >Archer, T'Pol, Reed, Mayweather, Hoshi and various crewmembers at >their stations. Everyone is quiet, as though anticipating something. Mike: They're all waiting for those Powerball numbers. > We hear >the low HUM of the ship at warp. > >ARCHER >Seems okay to me. Tom: Ah. The Nielsens must be in. >(to Mayweather) >Why don't you try four-three? > >Mayweather works the helm. There's a slight change of pitch in the >sound of the ship's engines. > Tom: Oh, how intense. Crow: May I? Tom: Sure. Crow: INTENSE! WARP-CHANGING! ACTION! [to Tom] How's that? Tom: Needs more spunk. >MAYWEATHER >Warp four point three, sir. > >Another quiet moment as they all listen, waiting for something to >happen. > Mike: This is boring! Have Q show up! Or a giant space amoeba! Or a Greek god! Something! >REED >Not much of a change. > >HOSHI >I don't know... does anybody else feel that? > Tom: [Reed] Oh, sorry, that was just my foot. >ARCHER >Feel what? > >HOSHI >Those... vibrations... like little tremors. Tom: Ensign Brooks is running the floor buffer, Hoshi. > >T'POL >(cool) >You're imagining it. Crow: [T'Pol] Like that Banana Slug that's been oozing in your room, or the little green men hiding in your closet. > >ARCHER >(to Mayweather) >Bring us to four-four, Lieutenant. Tom: Warp four point four? Watch it, guys, the audience might wet its pants. > >Mayweather works. A tiny SHUDDER and the deep sounds of engines >working as the ship accelerates. Hoshi grabs the sides of her seat. > >HOSHI >There! What do you call that? Mike: A tiny SHUDDER and the deep sounds of engines working as the ship accelerates. Duh. > >T'POL >The warp reactor was recalibrating. It shouldn't happen again. > >A small ALARM sounds at Reed's station. Crow: [Reed] Ah shoot, someone broke into my fridge again. Uh, I mean, intruder alert, Captain! > >HOSHI >(anxious) >Now what? > >REED >The deflector's sequencing. >It's perfectly normal. > Mike: Those flashing lights and the "Warp core overload imminent" announcements always sound when the deflector changes. >T'POL >(dry, to Hoshi) >Perhaps you'd like to go to your quarters and lie down? > Crow: [T'Pol] I'll bring you your Mr. Snuggles. >Hoshi doesn't like T'Pol's slightly condescending attitude. Tom: [bitterly] She's not the only one... > >HOSHI >(in Vulcan, an insult) >Ponfo mirann. > Crow: I believe that means "At least I'm not here to please the fanboys." >T'POL >(with matching attitude) >I was instructed to speak English during this voyage. I'd appreciate it >if you'd respect that. > [All make cat hisses and scratching sounds.] >Archer, who's concerned these two aren't getting along, tries to change >the subject. > Mike: [Archer] So, how about them Vikings? >ARCHER >(lightly) >It's easy to get a little jumpy when you're travelling at thirty >million kilometers a second. Tom: It's also easy to lose your stomach, but that doesn't seem to be the case, eh Archy? > Should be old-hat in a week's time. > >Another TONE is heard. Mike: Sorry. That's my cell phone. > Hoshi tenses. Archer taps a button on the arm >of his chair. > Crow: [Archer, "Shatnerized"] Captain's LOG! Stardate... er, SOMETHING or other! We are CURRENTLY... traveling! At... warp four point FOUR! >ARCHER (to com) >Archer. > >PHLOX'S COM VOICE >This is Doctor Phlox, Captain. Our patient is regaining consciousness. > > >ARCHER >On my way. >(stands) >Hoshi. > Mike: [Archer] We'll get you your blanket on the way. >Hoshi joins him and they head for the Turbolift > >CUT TO: > >TIGHT ON KLAANG > >seated on the bio-bed, babbling in Klingon. (See ADDENDUM for any >unscripted Klaang dialog.) Tom: Consult your local Klingon-English dictionary for details. > We will shortly learn that he's delirious >and not making any sense. Crow: Just like Pat Buchanan. > >KLAANG (shouting) >Pung: g:hap HoS! Tom: "I need a bucket of sour cream"? > >WIDEN to see -- > >INT. SICKBAY > >Archer, Hoshi and Phlox are gathered around the bio-bed. A SECURITY >GUARD armed with a PLASMA RIFLE stands watch. Mike: [Guard] He's been yelling in my ear, sir. Shall I shoot him? > Hoshi is working a PADD. > >ARCHER >(to Hoshi) >What's wrong? > Mike: [Hoshi] I can't download the o's! I can't download the o's! >HOSHI >The translator's not locking onto his dialect... the syntax won't >align. > Crow: A memory problem. She probably has Minesweeper running in the background. >KLAANG >(shouts) > DujDaj Hegh! > Tom: "Once upon a time I was falling in love, but now I'm only falling apart"? >Hoshi hesitates, finding the words. > >ARCHER >Tell him we're taking him home. > Mike: And tell him we'll be serving fish sticks for dinner. >HOSHI >(to Klaang, in Klingon) >Ingan Hoch... juH. > Crow: "What is the weather like in Turkey"? >Klaang responds: > >KLAANG >Tujpa'qyl Dun? > Tom: I think he wants some Mountain Dew. >HOSHI >(to Archer) >He wants to know who we are > >Archer nods -- tell him. > >HOSHI (to Klaang) >Ou'ghewme~ Enter~rise. PugloD. > >KLAANG >Nenta~ lu~Hom. > Tom: "Did my last paycheck include my June commission"? >HOSHI >"LupHom" ..."ship" ... >(to Archer) >He's asking for his ship back. Mike: Sure, why not? Just tell him to help in the clean-up effort on the farm there. > >ARCHER >Say it was destroyed. Tom: [Archer] I'm assuming this, of course. > >HOSHI >(to Klaang) >SonchI~. > >KLAANG >Vengen Sto'vo'kor Dos! > Crow: "How can I get Master of Magic to run under Windows XP"? >Hoshi frowns, puzzled. > >HOSHI >I'm not sure... but I think he's saying something about "eating the >afterlife. Mike: Oh, he just wants some Philadelphia cream cheese. > >ARCHER >(frustrated) >Try the translator again. > >Hoshi works the PADD, shakes her head. > >HOSHI >I'm going to need to run what we've got through the phonetic >processor. Tom: [Hoshi] So I'll have to realign the ventricle phase array... > >KLAANG >(urgent) >MajOa blmoHgu! > Crow: "iT'lL bE dARk sOOn!"? >HOSHI >He says... "his wife has grown ugly." > Tom: That explains his "No dishonorable fat chicks" T-shirt. >Archer sighs. > >HOSHI >I'm sorry, Captain... I'm doing the best I can. > >PHLOX >Excuse me. > Tom: [Phlox] Hello? Alien doctor needs attention! >They turn to him. Phlox is checking an alien scanning device. > Crow: [Phlox] I'm detecting high levels of phlostigon! >PHLOX >His pre-frontal cortex is hyperstimulated... I doubt he has any idea >what he's saying. Mike: He's just making words up? Tom: Shucks, and I thought "Tiny" Lister was versed in the Klingon language! > >KLAANG >HljolOaOqu'na~! > Crow: "I like pie"? >HOSHI >I think the Doctor's right, Captain...unless "stinky boots" has >something to do with all this. > Tom: Are you kidding? The stinky boots are the keys to this whole puzzle! >Suddenly, the ship SHUDDERS as it drops out of warp. Hoshi >instinctively grabs the Captain's arm. > Mike: Ah. The scary movie maneuver. Archer must want to cuddle. >HOSHI >That's the warp reactor again, right? > >KLAANG >OaOgu'na~! > Tom: "No! Don't invest in Enron"? >Concerned, Archer taps a nearby com button. > >ARCHER >Bridge, report. > >T'POL'S COM VOICE >We've dropped out of warp, sir. Main power is -- > Crow: [T'Pol] Ah, who cares? I don't care about you stupid humans anyway. You find out yourself! >A brief burst of static, then the com goes dead. The lights start to >FLICKER and the consoles begin to GO OUT one by one. Mike: Looks like they hit a California spatial anomaly. > >INT. BRIDGE > >T'Pol, Reed, Mayweather and assorted crewmembers react as the lights >and consoles continue to GO OUT. > Tom: [T'Pol] Hmmm, this may prove challenging. MAY. Crow: [Mayweather] I sure wish the gravity goes off too. Mike: [Reed] Where's my gun? >REED >(confused, re: his console) >I think I saw something off the starboard bow... > Mike: Pirates! They're being attacked by the short subject! >T'POL >What? > Crow: [Reed] Are you hard of hearing, pointy? >REED >I don't know... it may've just been the sensors going down... Mike: Big ships usually appear on malfunctioning sensors just before they go down. > >EXT. SPACE -ENTERPRISE (OPTICAL) > >The few remaining lights GO OUT, leaving the ship in total darkness. > >INT. ENGINEERING > >Darkness. Mike: Welcome to the Sci-Fi Channel. > A handheld BEACON lights up, following by three more. Charlie >and several crewmembers are working at the now inactive warp core. Crow: And of course we automatically assume the source of the power loss is in the core, and not, say, some alien ship. >Charlie leans over to a com panel and taps it. > Tom: [Charlie] We need a fondue set and some chicken soup, fast! >CHARLIE >Captain. Mike: I say what. >(taps it again) >Captain! > Mike: I say what you want. >He realizes it's dead. > Mike: Jim. Crow: [Charlie] Darn it. I'm all out of ideas now! >CHARLIE >(to crewman) >Lock off the coolant tanks! > Mike: [Charlie] And get me a towel while you're at it! >INT. CORRIDOR -SULIBAN "NIGHT VISION" POV (OPTICAL) > >A pixilated, monochromatic POV moving quickly through the corridor. We >see the grainy image of another SULIBAN moving ahead of us... Mike: Their picture quality isn't all that great. Tom: What's worse, the Suliban don't even have cable! > >INT, SICKBAY (OPTICAL) > >Darkness. Archer, Hoshi and Phlox have beacons. Klanng continues to >bellow over the scene (see ADDENDUM). Crow: Please, don't make us. You wouldn't want that. > Chirps and whistles come from >the various alien lifeforms the doctor has brought with him. > Tom: Crickets ... In ... Spaaaace!!!! >ARCHER >Auxiliary power should've kicked in by now... > >Another outburst from Klaang. > >ARCHER >(to Hoshi) >Do you know how to tell him to shut up? Mike: Have you tried yelling at him loudly? That seems to work for me when I'm in Canada. > >Hoshi, who's growing more nervous, flashes her beacon from wall to >wall. > >HOSHI >(to Klaang) >Shut up! > Crow: Ha! It's funny see, because she's a translator and - Mike: I get it, I get it. >Klaang continues to shout. > Crow: Klaang's into primal screaming. >ARCHER >(to Phlox) >Sedate him if you have to. Tom: How about NOW? > I need to get to the Bridge. > >Archer heads for the door. > >HOSHI >(sotto, urgent) >Captain! > >He turns. Hoshi is moving her beacon across a wall. > >HOSHI >(sotto) >There's someone here. Mike: [Archer] Of course there is. There's me, Klaang, Phlox, and his alien garden! > >ARCHER >(doubtful) >Hoshi... > Tom: [Archer] Remember when you said Yogi Bear was on the viewscreen? >HOSHI >I'm telling you, there's someone -- > > > Mike: It's the editor! And he's removing lines! > >She stops as her beacon illuminates a HUMANOID FORM. Like a chameleon, >it has taken on the appearance of its background and is barely >visible. Tom: Found you! Now it's my turn to go hide! >Once discovered, the figure LEAPS back into the darkness. > Tom: Predator vs. Star Trek vs Aliens vs. Terminator vs. RoboCop! >A glimmer of recognition falls over Klaang's face as he shuts up for >the first time. > All: Thank you! >KLAANG (quietly) >Suliban. > Mike: And Gilvert. Tom: Isn't that a Star Wars species? Mike: Now now, Servo. > >Archer's beacon finds a second SULIBAN perched like a spider high on a >WALL (he is not camouflaged like the first Suliban). > Crow: He's attired in a stylish silver sequined gown! >ARCHER >(to guard) >Crewman! > >As the guard raises his rifle, the Suliban LEAPS to the ground, where >we see a third SULIBAN quickly dart into the shadows. > >The guard FIRES toward them! Mike: Hilarity ENSUED! Tom: People were SHOT! Crow: The EXCLAIMATION POINT was USED! > Bright red PLASMA BULLETS illuminate the >room in a series of quick, stroboscopic FLASHES! Crow: Jennifer Beals begins to dance around on stage. > RAPID CUTS: > >KLAANG > >looks around in confusion, shouting in Klingon! > Tom: [Klaang] Nervous nellies! I want my fish sticks! My wife has grown ugly! Poopie pants! >HOSHI > >is crouching low to avoid the gunfire, erratically scanning with her >beacon. > >THE GUARD > >senses motion behind him, turns to take aim -- > Mike: I'll get you gaffer! >HIS POV > >Of a Suliban lunging toward him! > >THE GUARD > >HITS the deck hard --his weapon goes sliding across the floor! > Mike: That weapon must be slicker than a used car salesman on commission. Tom: Nice, Mike. Mike: Got it from a book. >ARCHER (OPTICAL) > >reacts quickly, LUNGES and ROLLS toward the weapon, >GRABS it and whirls toward the Suliban. BLAM-BLAM-BLAM! He FIRES! Tom: Blam-blam-blam? Crow: Must an ascendant of the Flintstones. > >THE SULIBAN IS HIT (OPTICAL) > >and goes flying backward! > >KLANNG > >senses movement above, looks up to see -- Crow: Visions of sugarplums dancing on his head. > >A SULIBAN ON THE CEILING > >directly over him! The creature DROPS into CAMERA! Tom: AH! They're going after the cameramen! > >SILENCE Tom: The battle stopped in mid-sequence? > >No movement. All we can hear is the agitated clicking and chirping of >the alien lifeforms. > Crow: [Archer] Damn it! Hoshi, tell them all to shut up! >HOSHI (O.C.) >(worried) >Captain? > >Suddenly, we hear the SURGE of warp power coming back on- line... and >the lights and consoles begin to COME ALIVE one by one. Mike: We now return you to your regularly scheduled boredom. > >ANGLE- THE ROOM > >The Guard is lying on the floor, dazed. Tom: And thus begins the long tradition of nameless security guards getting beaten up. > Phlox rushes to help him. Hoshi >is crouching on the deck, as before. She glances down, sees a DEAD >SULIBAN sprawled just inches from her! Disgusted, she edges away. > Crow: Sheesh, she's as scared as all those old B-movie women! >Archer is staring at the bio-bed, which is now empty. Klaanq and the >Suliban are gone. OFF his reaction... > Tom: Dull surprise! >CUT TO: > >INT. BRIDGE (VPB) > >Archer is on his feet, pacing, agitated. Mike: [Archer] What shall I wear? What shall I wear? > T'Pol, Reed, Mayweather, >Charlie, Hoshi and crewmembers at their stations. Mid-scene, tense: > >ARCHER >(frustrated) >We've got state-of-the-art sensors... why the hell didn't we detect >them? > Tom: Because the power went out? Mike: Because they were being really, really quiet? >MAYWEATHER >Mister Reed thought he detected something right before we lost power... Mike: It better not be any of Hoshi's boogiemen... > >Archer turns to Reed, who's working his console. > Tom: Stop tweaking your X-Box, Reed! >REED >The starboard sensor logs recorded a spatial disturbance. Crow: [Reed] That is, a plot point. > > >Charlie looks over Reed's shoulder. > >CHARLIE >Looks more like a glitch. > >HOSHI >Those weren't glitches in Sickbay. Crow: [Archer] Those sons of glitches killed one of my crewmen. > >ARCHER >(to Charlie) >I want a complete analysis of that disturbance. Tom: [Archer] Who knows? It may be either the key to saving this episode, or just an interesting waste of time. > >Charlie heads for the door... > >ARCHER (to Reed) >Where do we stand on weapons? Mike: I like 'em, sir. I like 'em a lot. > >REED >I still have to tune the targeting >scanners... > Crow: What's so hard about re-calibrating your joystick? Mike: Uhhh... >ARCHER >What're you waiting for? > Crow: Tuning forks? >Reed joins Charlie and they EXIT together. T'Pol crosses to Archer. > >T'POL >Captain... > >ARCHER >(ignoring her, to Hoshi) >The Klingon seemed to know who they were. See if you can translate >what he said. > Mike: Okay, if you want to hear words like "nummymuffin" and "cookie". >HOSHI >Right away. > >Hoshi turns to go. > >T'POL >Captain. > Crow: [T'Pol] I need screen time! Look at me! >He turns to her. > >T'POL >(consoling) Tom: [T'Pol] I sense great hostility, Captain. >There's no way you could have anticipated this. I'm sure Ambassador >Soval will understand. > Mike: [T'Pol] We'll let the Vulcans know of your boo-boo and we'll make it ALLLLL better. >ARCHER >(an order) >You're the Science Officer. Why don't you help Charlie with that >analysis? > Tom: [T'Pol] Because logic dictates that I continue to insult you. >T'POL >The astrometric computer in San Francisco will be far more effective. > Mike: Logic dictates that we go all the way back to continue an investigation. >ARCHER >We're not going to San Francisco, so make-do with what we've got here. > >T'POL >You've lost the Klingon. Your mission is over. > Tom: Come on. Let's head over to Milliways. I'll buy you dinner. >ARCHER >I didn't lose the Klingon... he was taken. Crow: He wasn't taken. He was "borrowed"! > And I'm going to find out >who took him. > Tom: [Archer] I *WILL* FIND THEM! Mike: Star Trek -3: The Kwest for Klaang! >T'POL >How do you plan to do that? Mike: [Archer] Elementary, my pointy-eared friend. >(slightly patronizing) >Space is very big, Captain... Tom: You may think it's a long way down to the chemist's but that's peanuts to space! > a shadow on your sensors won't help you >find them. This is a foolish mission. > Mike: My, aren't we insubordinate? >Archer heads for his Ready Room. > >ARCHER >Come with me. > Mike: Uh oh! T'Pol is in troubllllllle! Tom: She's going to the Ready Room! Naughty, naughty! >T'Pol follows... > >INT. READY ROOM > >As Archer and T'Pol ENTER... > Crow: A group of time-traveling voyeurs watch in anticipation for... Mike: Crow? No. >ARCHER >(continuing) >I'm not interested in what you think about this mission. So take your >Vulcan cynicism and bury it along with your repressed emotions. Tom: Oooo! Archer's really mad now! Mike: [Archer] And while you're at it, go bury your head in the sand too! > >T'POL >Your reaction to this situation is a perfect example of why your >species should remain in its own star system. Crow: Yeah yeah, rant rant rant. Sheesh, and I thought me and Servo thought up some anti-human diatribe. > >ARCHER >(heated) >I've been listening to you Vulcans tell us what not to do all my life. Mike: [Archer] What to do, what to eat, what to wear... this dress doesn't even fit me! >I watched my father work his ass off while your scientists held back >just enough information to keep him from succeeding. Tom: When did humans become so whiny? What about innovation? >(beat) >He deserved to see that launch. You may have life spans of two hundred >years... we don't. Mike: [Archer] So don't EXPECT us to be patient when we only live about half your lifespan, oh enlightened pointy! > >A tense moment. T'Pol can see she's not going to win this argument. > > >T'POL >You are going to be contacting Starfleet... to advise them of our >situation. Mike: [Archer] I didn't hear the word "please". > >ARCHER >No, I'm not. And neither are you > >T'Pol raises a skeptical brow. > >ARCHER >Now get the hell out there and make yourself useful. Tom: Just then, the San Diego Chargers went out to start the second half, pumped. > >T'Pol EXITS. Archer watches her go... then walks to the window and >stares out into space... > Crow: Yep. Still really, really, big. >CUT TO: > >INT. SICKBAY (OPTICAL/VPB) > >Dimly-lot, except for a single bright surgical lamp shining down on >the dead Suliban. Although we can't see it clearly, Phlox's hands are >busy inside the opened chest of the Suliban. Crow: *EHHHHHH!* Tom: [Phlox] Darn, have to try again. > He's enthusiastically picking >through the entrails. Mike: [Phlox, singsongy] o/~ Everybody's stitching up for surgery, try to keep your hand right on the job! 'Cause when you're stitching up for surgery, there's no time to mess around! o/~ > Archer looks on. > >PHLOX >Mister Klaang was right about one thing... he's a Suliban. But unless >I'm mistaken, he's no ordinary one. > Tom: He's actually the long lost offspring of European nobility! Crow: "The Suliban Diaries"! This fall on UPN! >ARCHER >Meaning? > Mike: [Phlox] He's no ordinary Suliban? >PHLOX >His DNA is Suliban... but his anatomy has been altered. Crow: Leading to his lucrative job in the adult film industry. >(re: corpse) >Look at this lung. > Mike: Why, it's covered in nacho cheese! >Archer peers into the open chest cavity. Crow: Hey! Why is there an espresso machine in there? > >PHLOX >Five bronchial lobes. > Tom: Four cardiac chambers, three sinus cavities, two swollen spleens and a kidney by his knee! >Phlox points to a monitor at the head of the bio-bed, which shows an >intricately complex biological diagram. > Tom: [Phlox] And the thingy is going all wrong! It should be going the other way around! >PHLOX >You see? It should only have three. Crow: Great, let's grill up the other two for supper. >{back to the corpse) >And look at the alveoli clusters... they've been modified to process >different kinds of atmospheres. Mike: Can the balloon juice, prof. We've got a plot that needs movin' > Mike: Plus there's this instruction book and blank warranty card over by his spine. >ARCHER >Are you saying he's some kind of mutant? Tom: No, 'cause then Patrick Stewart would be in this show too. > >PHLOX >Yes, I suppose I am. But this was no accident, no freak of nature. >This man was the recipient of some very sophisticated genetic >engineering. Crow: [Phlox] He's still not getting an Emmy, though. > >Phlox is like a kid in a candy store. Mike: If he plans on eating any "candy" from this "store", I'm leaving right now. > He picks up a thin instrument and >activates it. A deep red light comes on. Phlox shines the light on the >Suliban's dappled face. > Tom: [interrogator] Where were you on October 7? >He moves the light away, revealing that the skin has CHANGED COLOR, >perfectly matching the hue and intensity. > >PHLOX >Watch this. > Mike: We just did. >He taps a control on the instrument, and the color of the light changes >to BLUE. Crow: [Phlox] I'll make a Smurf out of him yet! > He shines the light on the Suliban's clothing, moves it away - >-the clothing has ADAPTED to the color. > Tom: Genetically engineered clothing. >PHLOX >(re: dappled skin) >Subcutaneous pigment sacs. > Mike: Why not just call it "chameleon skin"? Crow: Very handy for those space artists on the go. >Archer reacts. > >PHLOX >(re: clothing) >A bio-mimetic garment. > > Mike: Doesn't it make him feel sort of naked? Tom: Nah, Mike. You see, he'll only LOOK naked to the others, but not to himself. Mike: Thanks... I think. > >PHLOX >The eyes are my favorite. > Tom: The Corinthian! >Phlox lifts an eyelid, exposing a super-dilated pupil glowing with >phosphorescence. > Mike: Somebody should have avoided the brown acid. >PHLOX >Compound retinas. He most likely saw things even your sensors couldn't >detect. Mike: [Archer, perkily] Maybe he knows about that spatial anomaly! > >ARCHER >It's not in their genome? > Tom: [Phlox, sarcastic] No, it's in the shoes. >PHLOX >Certainly not. The Suliban are no more evolved than humans. Tom: And we all know how primitive humans are. Am I right? Crow: You said it, brother. Mike: Hey! >(re: corpse) >Very impressive work, though. I've never seen anything quite like it. > >Archer doesn't share his excitement about this discovery. He's uneasy. Mike: [Archer] Great, just what I need, genetically modified invaders. What next? Time traveling holograms? > >ARCHER >What do you know about them? Where do they come from? Crow: So Archer doesn't even know where baby aliens come from? Uhhhh... you answer him, Mike. Mike: Me? No way! > >PHLOX >They're nomadic, I believe. No home world. Tom: [Archer] Where do they normally live, then? And don't tell me some place like Mongolia or whatever! > I examined two of them years >ago... a husband and wife... very cordial. > Crow: [Phlox] The wife kept on saying, "Does my skeletal figure make me look fat"? >As Archer considers... > Mike: [Archer] I wonder how Wisconsin is at this time of year? >CUT TO: > >INT. MAIN ENGINEERING > >Charlie and T'Pol are working at a station that displays various >sensor data. Charlie is upbeat, T'Pol is detached. > Crow: Not to mention cold and unfeeling. >CHARLIE >(points at some data) >How about this? > Mike: Well, I don't know Charlie. Usually the recipe for algae puffs wouldn't be vital information. >T'POL >It's just background noise. Tom: [T'Pol] Like what's inside your head. > Your sensors aren't capable of isolating >plasma decay. > >CHARLIE >How can you be so damn sure what our sensors can do? > Crow: She read the "Terran Sensors FAQ". >T'POL >Vulcan children play with toys that are more sophisticated. > Mike: Yeah, Vulcan children just love playing with their advanced sensors and photon torpedoes! >As they work... > >CHARLIE >(fed up) >You know, some people say that you Vulcans do nothing but patronize >us... Tom: That's not true! They also insult in dry tones! > but if they were here now... if they could see how far you're >bending over backwards to help me, they'd eat their words. > Tom: Miiiiike, Charlie's stealing my sarcasm gig! >T'POL >(pointed) >Your Captain's mission was to return the Klingon to his people. He no >longer has the Klingon. > >CHARLIE >I realize he's only a simple Earthling... Tom: You know, Mike. We've called your species a lot of bad things. Mike: Yeah. Tom: But this time I feel for your pain. Mike: That's great. You've taken a bold step in becoming human. Tom: I still don't wanna be human! Crow: Yeah, Mike. I mean, you TOUCH YOUR FOOD! YUCK! [Mike sighs.] > but did it ever occur to you >that he might know what he's doing? > Crow: Captain Baseball Cap? The thought never crossed my mind. >T'Pol is silent. Tom: [T'Pol] Logic dictates that I do not answer rhetorical questions. > >CHARLIE >It's no secret Starfleet hasn't been around too long... God knows you >remind us of that every chance you get... but does that mean the man >who's been put in charge of this mission doesn't deserve our support? >(pointed) >Then again, loyalty's an emotion, isn't it? > Crow: If loyalty is an emotion, I guess modesty could be an emotion, too. Tom: Yeah. That means someone should be a little more nude right now. Mike: I think that's enough from you two. >T'Pol glances at him, but before she can respond, the door opens and >Archer ENTERS. > Tom: In a brilliant flash, he is there! HUZZAH! >ARCHER >Having any luck? > Mike: [Charlie] Yeah, I made it to second base with her! >CHARLIE >(re: T'Pol, ironic) >Not really. > Mike: I've got Stones tickets and everything, but she's still resisting! >T'POL >(to Archer) >My analysis of the spatial disturbance Mister Reed saw indicates a >stealth vessel with a tricyclic plasma drive. Tom: "Useless information," eh T'Pol? Crow: [T'Pol] The data also confirms that the ship is not so stealthy after all. Of course, *I* knew that! > >CHARLIE >(off that) >If we can figure out the decay rate of their plasma, we'll be able to >find their warp trail. > Tom: Or you can just trace their license plate. >T'POL >Unfortunately, your sensors >weren't designed to measure plasma decay. > Mike: Another feature found on most Vulcan toys. >Over the above exchange, we see Hoshi ENTER the room. Tom: A lot of dramatic entrances, aren't there? Crow: I'm surprised I haven't used a Team Rocket reference yet. > It's obvious she >hasn't been to Engineering before. She glances around, intrigued, but >gets a little hesitant as she approaches the pulsing warp core. > >HOSHI >(re: warp core, half-joking) >Are you sure it's safe to stand so close to that? > Mike: As long you don't mind having your eyeballs glow in the dark. Tom: Besides, if it explodes, you'll die no matter where on the ship you are, so... >ARCHER >What've you got? > >HOSHI >I've managed to translate most of what Klaang said. But none of it >makes sense. > Tom: Oh. They've captured John Madden. >She hands him a PADD. > >ARCHER >Nothing about the Suliban? Mike: [Hoshi] No, just stuff about "sissypants" and "skiddles". > >HOSHI >Nope. > >ARCHER >(to T'Pol) >That name ring a bell to you? Mike: [T'Pol] No, but I'm sure they're not interesting. > >T'POL >They're a somewhat primitive species from Sector Three Six Four One. Crow: I'm surprised she didn't designate them with a species number. >But they've never posed a threat. > >ARCHER >Well, they have now. >(to Hoshi) >Did he say anything about Earth? Mike: Yep. He said, "Mostly Harmless." > >HOSHI >The word's not even in their database. > Tom: They've got a world for "solid thing that we stand on planetside" though. >Archer eyes the PADD. > Mike: [Archer] Why is Golden Sun playing on this? >HOSHI >It's all there. There were only four words I couldn't translate. >probably just proper nouns. > > >Archer carefully pronounces the words. > Crow: Eep, Op, Ork, Ah Ah. >ARCHER >(off PADD) >"Jelik...Sarin...Rigel.,. Tholia." Tom: The members of N'Synch 2178! > > >Archer looks up to T'Pol. > >ARCHER >Anything sound familiar? > Crow: [T'Pol] Sorry, I wasn't paying attention to this futile and pointless debate. >T'Pol hesitates. Clearly, something has rung a bell. Mike: The Hunchback of T'Pol? > In typical >fashion, she tries not to show it. > Tom: She stuck it in along with her bitter resentment for humans and Archer's choice of wardrobe! >ARCHER >T'Pol? > Crow: Hellooooo? Pointy? Wakey-wakey! >She pauses again... glances at Charlie, who says nothing but gives her >a pointed look. Mike: [T'Pol] Copycat. > Finally: > >T'POL >(to Archer) >Rigel is a planetary system... approximately fifteen light years from >our present position. > Tom: [T'Pol] I hear they have very nice cutlery. >ARCHER >(sensing more) >Why the hesitation? Crow: Well, there's a bunch of Rangers shooting an episode there... > >T'Pol realizes she's about to piss Archer off. > Mike: [T'Pol] I... I... really hated you on Murphy Brown. >T'POL >According to the navigational logs salvaged from Klaang's ship... >Rigel Ten was the last place he stopped before crashing on your >planet. > Tom: D'oh! And I guess they just forgot until now? >As angry as Archer is, he's not surprised. > Crow: As he had read the script beforehand. >ARCHER >Why do I get the feeling you weren't going to share that little piece >of information? Mike: Uh, because you're prejudiced again Vulcans? Tom: The way they're portrayed so far, do you blame them? Crow: [T'Pol] Sorry, sir. R'Nixon gave me orders not to talk. > >T'POL >I wasn't authorized to reveal the details of our findings. Tom: You weren't authorized to conceal it either. > >Charlie and Hoshi exchange a look --they're uncomfortable with the >tension. Mike: So, they changed the channel, ending up on a re-run of "The Amazing Race". > >ARCHER >(controlled anger) [All snicker.] Mike: [Archer] Damn, how do those good-for-nothing Vulcans control their emotions? It hurts! >The next time I learn you're withholding something... you're going to >spend the rest of this voyage confined to some very cramped quarters. Tom: [T'Pol] But aren't all the quarters kind of cramped? Crow: [Archer] I was referring to the closet. >Understood? > >T'Pol's reaction is hard to read. Mike: Dull surprise? > Archer hits a com panel. > >ARCHER >Archer to helm. > > >MAYWEATHER'S COM VOICE >Aye, sir. > Crow: [Archer] Get me Rick Berman. He said there would be chips on the set. >ARCHER >Go into the Vulcan starcharts and find a system called Rigel... then >set a course for the tenth planet. > Tom: Tenth planet from WHERE? Left or right? >As Archer gives T'Pol a final look… Crow: Time-traveling capuchin monkeys... Mike: Oh, for the love of...! > >EXT. SPACE -ENTERPRISE (OPTICAL) > >jumps to warp. > Mike: [Archer] Wait! I didn't say enga-... never mind. >CUT TO: > >INT. SULIBAN HELIX -INTERROGATION ROOM > >Klaang is restrained in an elaborate chair. Tom: It's just a Klingon La-Z-Boy. > Two SULIBAN DOCTORS monitor >sinister-looking tubes and devices that are connected to the Klingon's >body. Tom: I see we still have clichés. Crow: If it's the good guys, it's tricoders and hyposprays. If it's the bad guys, it's some elaborately stupid connecting... thing. > Source light from an off-camera window bathes the scene in a >steely BLUE GLOW. Mike: Hey! He's being held in K-Mart! > Silik, the Suliban seen earlier, is questioning >Klaang. It's clear that Klaang has been drugged. Crow: Whoa. He's got the munchies and he's listening to Floyd, man. > Mid-scene. > >SILIK >(in Klingon) >ReH suvro~? Tom: I had an uncle Ray Servo, I wonder if it's the same guy. >(subtitle reads) Where is it? > Mike: Darn, I wish Starfleet could have a translator that shows subtitles! >KLAANG >Du bog:h. >(subtitle reads) >I don't know. > >SILIK >Chonta~ qhe'tor. Q.a! Tom: Snarfy snarfy, snarf? >(subtitle reads) >We're not going to harm you. Tell me where it is. Crow: [Klaang] I am Klaang, son of Doogie. Serial number 2457347... > >KLAANG >Du Bog:h. Tom: Cleveland? >(subtitle reads) >I don't know. > Crow: That's a weird dialect, this Klingon language. Mike: Do they HAVE to write in the Klingon words? >Silik looks to one of the Doctors. > Crow: [Silik] For the last time, I DON'T know the nature of the medical emergency! >SILIK >Are you certain he's telling the truth? Mike: Nope. We can't handle the truth. > >SULIBAN DOCTOR >Absolutely certain. > Mike: [Silik] Shoot, that means all our fuss over this moron has come to nothing. Ah well, release him. > >Silik turns back to Klaang. Tom: [Silik] Where's my elephant? > >SILIK >Hovme~ lup;Hom. Pente daO? Enter~rise DaHjaj? Tom: "Pele says I can make money fast with e-mail"? >(subtitle reads) >Did you leave it on your ship... did you hide it somewhere... is it on >Enterprise? > Mike: Did you leave it in a box? Did you leave it with a fox? >KLAANG Du boqh g:uch. >(subtitle reads) >I don't know what you're looking for. Crow: Ooh! Try down at Super K-Mart! They have everything! > >SILIK >B1Heqh Rigel wo'tul? Tom: "Can I touch my forehead with my tongue"? >(subtitle reads) >What were you doing on Rigel Ten? > Crow: I know this one. The punchline's "First I add the eggs and then I stir the coffee". >KLAANG >MajQa tlharn. Tom: "I know why the caged bird sings"? >(subtitle reads) >I was sent to meet someone. > Mike: Alan Greenspan. He's helping bail out the Klingon economy. >SILIK >Doh? Tom: And woo-hoo. >(subtitle reads) >Who > Mike: So "Doh?" in Klingon means "Who?" Crow: I can imagine Homer Simpson initiating contact with the Klingons. >KLAANG >MajQa rot. Sarin Poh nI. >(subtitle reads) >A Suliban female... named Sarin. > Tom: [Klaang] She was the one who set up all the Klingon feasts after battle. She caters with honor! >Silik's expression darkens. He recognizes the name. Mike: [Silik] She beat me up as a kid. To this day, I still have the physical and emotional scars... > >SILIK >Dah Sarin saj'Kogh? >(subtitle reads) >And what did Sarin give you? Tom: Do you need some penicillin? > >KLAANG >RQgh. >{subtitle reads) >Nothing. > All: D'oh! [Which is Klingon for "Who", in case you've forgotten.] Crow: And the interrogation again goes nowhere. >Silik turns to the Doctors > Tom: Ack! It's a Robert Picardo overload! >SILIK >Keep him alive while I'm gone. > >As Silik EXITS with intent... > Crow: An intent... TO EXIT! Tom: That's our intent too. Let's go. [Mike lifts Tom up and the trio leaves the theater.] [1 . . . 2 . . . 3 . . . 4 . . . 5 . . . 6 . . .] [The doors open up on a vacant bridge. After a moment, Mike enters carrying a boombox and a large piece of cardboard. He places the cardboard on the floor and the boom box on top of the control console. He then presses the box's "play" button and a song familiar to people who've seen Mitsubishi commercials recently begins to play. Mike begins to break dance. No, really. He does. And he does it about as well as a guy from Wisconsin in his mid-thirties would break dance. After an agonizingly slow thirty seconds, Tom and Crow enter and begin to watch Mike dance. After a moment or two, Tom's mouth moves, but no sound is emitted. Instead, his words appear in subtitles.] Tom Why is he dancing? Crow He does this the same day every year. [Mike begins to shakily do what appears to be a cross between "The Robot" and "The Hula".] Crow He shows up and dances from sunrise to sunset. Tom I heard it's some kind of ritual. [Mike has begun to hop up and down and windmilling his arms.] Crow He used to watch a show back in the day. [Mike hops out of frame, and then hops back in dressed like a kid. (Think Space Children if that helps.) He plops down in front of a flickering TV set. The bots continue to watch in the background.] Tom Ooh. Nice Outfit. Crow He loved that show, but one day he missed it and after that it was gone. [Mike's back to normal, and dancing again. This time, it looks like a cross between line-dancing and jitterbugging.] Crow No one knows where the show went. Tom It was cancelled, Crow. We're familiar with the sensation, remember? Crow I'm being poetic, Tom. Anyway, now he dances to bring the show back. End of story. Tom Wow. [pause] Say, cheese-boy can't dance at all, can he? Crow Nope. Tom Mike knows the show is in constant reruns, right? Crow I think if we told him, it would break his little brain. [Mike continues to dance. After a moment, the movie sign begins to flash.] Crow You wanna get that? Tom Sure thing. WE'VE GOT MOVIE SIGN!!!!!!! [The lights flash and the door sequence begins...] [6 . . . 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . ] [The crew enters and sits down.] Mike: Well, that's over with for another year. Crow: Yeah. Mike, you may want to watch some Soul Train before next year. Mike: Huh? Crow: Never mind. Tom? Any advice for Mean Mike the Dancing Machine? Tom Hang on. I'm still stuck in subtitle mode. >CUT TO: > >EXT. SPACE -ENTERPRISE (OPTICAL) > >drops out of warp distance. > >We PAN to reveal RIGEL TEN in the distance. Mike: I guess we're supposed to imagine this. Crow: I hate scripts. It should be a pop-up book! > >INT. ENTERPRISE -LAUNCH BAY > >TWO SHUTTLEPODS can be seen in the b.g. Tom: Big guns? Botanical garden? > Archer, T'Pol, Charlie, Reed, >Mayweather and Hoshi are wearing jackets for their Away Mission. Crow: Thank you so much, Peter Guerin. Mike: Uh, no, Crow. There'd be more detail on the clothing. Tom: Like "Archer and gang are wearing brown Starfleet-designed winter jackets with hoods and a zipper down the middle"? Mike: That's the way! > T'Pol >is handing out communicator/translation devices to the crew... Tom: Tricoders and universal translators, then? Mike: Let's not jump to conclusions. > >ARCHER >(mid-speech, to all) >Once we've disembarked, we'll be descending into the trade complex. Crow: [Archer] We'll immediately set up shop and begin selling human merchandise! >It's comprised of thirty-six levels... Tom: We'll only be able to access the first ten level in the demo. > >T'POL >Your translators have been programmed for Rigelian. Mike: Darn, I don't have the dictionary! Now we're in trouble. > However, there are >numerous other species working on the colony. Many of them are known >to be impatient with newcomers. Tom: Please, they prefer the term "newbies". > None of them have seen a human before. Crow: [T'Pol] Let alone stupid morons like you. Whoops, another insult slipped from my mouth. Boy, I'm going at it. >You have a tendency to be... gregarious. Mike: So all Rigelians aren't? Uh, not a very sociable planet. Tom: Rigel! Service with a grimace! > I suggest you try to restrain >that tendency. > >CHARLIE >You forgot to warn us about drinking the water. Crow: [Charlie] And to bring an extra pair of undies. > >T'POL >{not getting it) Tom: But then again, getting a joke may be considered emotional. >Doctor Phlox isn't concerned with the food and water. But he does >caution against intimate contact. > Crow: [T'Pol] I'm speaking to YOU, Ensign Kirk! > >An amused glance between Charlie and Mayweather. Mike: Insert Beavis and Butthead laughter here. > >ARCHER >{all business) >The Vulcans told us Klaang was a courier. Tom: [Archer] We immediately checked with the Klingon databases to see that he worked for KPS. > If he was here to get >something, then whoever gave it to him might know why he was taken. Crow: And what if that was "nothing"? Mike: Then they can go back to being babysitted by the Vulcans. >{trying to be optimistic) >That was only a few days ago... a seven foot Klingon doesn't go >unnoticed. > Tom: [Archer] Especially if most Rigelians are two inches tall. >CUT TO: > >EXT. RIGEL TEN -TRADE COMPLEX -NIGHT (OPTICAL) > >This towering, weather-worn, multi-leveled structure looks as though >it's been constructed over many decades. Crow: Or it looks like a NATO base in Norway. > It sits among the icy crags of >inhospitable ARCTIC TERRAIN. Crow: Like I said, NATO base in Norway. Tom: Or the planet Hoth. Crow: [stressing] NATO... base... in... Norway! > The upper-level is comprised of a series >of DOCKING PORTS where ships of varying shapes and sizes are coming >and going. Mike: The year is 2151! The place, Rigel 10! > Huge plumes of STEAM blast out of GEOTHERMAL VENTS lining >the top of the structure. > >CLOSER ANGLE -DOCKING PORT (OPTICAL) > >Enterprise's six-passenger, sub-warp SHUTTLEPOD swoops into position >and settles onto the busy, snow-blown landing deck. Crow: They should get some neighborhood Rigelian kids to shovel that landing deck. Tom: A nice landing, perfect technique! Crow: The German judge gives it a 9. > >CUT TO: > >INT. TRADE COMPLEX -LEVEL TWO - NIGHT (OPTICAL) > >A dark, cavernous thoroughfare of concrete and iron. Mike: Oh, so this IS Babylon 5! > Latticeworks of >conduits criss-cross the damp, poorly-lit concourse. Mike: Welcome to the Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport. > A haze hangs in >the air, punctuated by shafts of artificial light. Aliens from myriad >species go about their business, moving in and out of concealed >trading alcoves. Some are in uniform, some aren't, many carry >sidearms. > Crow: Welcome to Rigel, Texas. >T'Pol and Charlie are moving through the strange setting. T'Pol, who >has been here before, is taking everything in stride. Mike: [T'Pol] I just hope my friends here don't see me with these lunatics. > For Charlie, it's >an extraordinary yet disorienting experience. > >As they duck under an unusually low support beam, Crow: Again, I must reiterate to those in our audience who are claustrophobic to leave immediately. > a large ALIEN INSECT >lands briefly on Charlie's shoulder. Mike: [insect] Say, I know some deals you might be interested in! > Startled, his body jerks in >response and the insect flies away. Mike: [insect] Sheesh, giving me the cold shoulder! I was gonna reel him in with the Swanson deal! > T'Pol shoots him a look, >disapproving of his childish reaction. > Tom: Yeah, you're SUPPOSED to let the insect lay eggs on you! >As they keep walking, eerie, dissonant ALIEN TONES catch Charlie's >attention... > Crow: [off tune] You. Are. My. Fire. My. One. Desire. >CHARLIE'S POV > >The sounds are coming from inside a NARROW DOORWAY. We can't see >clearly into the room beyond, but we catch glimpses of frenetic >movement within. > Crow: Frenetic? Mike, why is the script trying to use fancy words? Mike: It's Star Trek, Crow. Crow: Sheesh, couldn't they just get to the point and say they're having... Mike: I don't think so. >CHARLIE > >is drawn toward the doorway. Tom: [Charlie] Hey, that looks like fun! Can I join? > > >CHARLIE >(curious) >What in the world...? > >T'POL >It's nothing that concerns us. > Crow: [Charlie] Hey, maybe they know secret information! Just like those people in the Bond movies! Let's go ask them! Tom: Just WHAT are they doing so far, anyway? >As they keep moving... > Crow: A group of time-traveling cookies... Mike: Time-traveling WHAT? Crow: Sorry. I was just getting hungry. >CUT TO: > >INT. DOCK MASTER'S CONTROL TOWER -NIGHT (OPTICAL) > >Through large windows we can see the landing lights of alien ships >coming and going through the snowy air. Tom: Traffic on the Rigel spaceways are busy, but should be smooth until the end of the night. > The room is lit only by the >monitors of various control stations, and the occasional sweep of a >landing light from outside. Mike: Gray Davis must be running this place. > Archer and Hoshi are talking to the DOCK >MASTER, a burly alien who is preoccupied monitoring the traffic. > Tom: Nearby, his goat footed henchman makes passes at T'Pol. >DOCK MASTER >Five or six days ago? Tom: [Dock master] I was just given this job yesterday! > Do you realize how much traffic we process in a >single day? Crow: Umm, seven? > >ARCHER >You must keep records. Crow: [Dock master] What? You mean we have to have RECORDS too? Shoot! Tom: They're the Arthur Anderson of space ports. > This was a one-man, Klingon scout ship. > >DOCK MASTER >(eyes him) >What species are you? > Tom: [Dock master] You don't look so bumpy, or pointy... >ARCHER >Human. We're called humans. > >Beep-beep! Mike: Ah. Pennywise must be nearby. > An alarm sounds. Crow: Oops, he set off the Annoying Species Alert. Mike: OK, enough with the human-bashing. > The Dock Master speaks into a microphone... > Tom: [Dock master] Attention all shoppers. We have a special, 50% off Rigelian wears. >DOCK MASTER >{into mic) >Elkan nine, raise your approach vector by point two radiants. Mike: [Dock master] And by that, I mean PULL UP, DAMN YOU! > > >Archer and Hoshi are frustrated by his seeming lack of attention. Tom: [Dock master] Oh, sorry. I guess your little question period is more important than a ship landing safely here. > The >Dock Master checks a monitor. Crow: [Dock master] I wonder when Special Unit 2 is on... > >DOCK MASTER >(to Archer, off monitor) >It was seven days ago... a K'toch Class vessel. Mike: [Archer] Well, I said five or six days ago, so that can't be it! > >ARCHER >(encouraged) >Does it say who he was here to see? Tom: [Dock master, sarcastic] He was here to see British Prime Minister Tony Blair. Sheesh, you guys are nuts. > > >DOCK MASTER >(doesn't have time for this) Crow: [Dock master] Damn newbies... >What it says is that he arrived at docking port six... and was given a >level one bio-hazard clearance. > >ARCHER >You don't seem to be very interested in what people do here Tom: [Dock master] Nope. > >DOCK MASTER >{getting pissed} Crow: [Dock master] That's it! No new alien race is going to mess up my day! >Our visitors value their privacy. It wouldn't be very -- >(suddenly in alien} >--tusorop ko tuproya plo -- >{back to English} >--business they're in. > Tom: Whoops! We are currently experiencing some language difficulties. Please stand by. >Archer looks to Hoshi, who's adjusting the communicator/translation >device she has taken out of her jacket pocket. Crow: [Hoshi] Sorry sir, I confused this one with the walkman in my other jacket and wanted to change stations. > >HOSHI >It's all right. Rigelian uses a pronominal base. The translator's just >reprocessing the syntax. > Tom: So Rigelian language is really a bunch of 0s and 1s? >ARCHER >(to Dock Master) >Do you have any records of a Suliban vessel coming in around the same >time? > >The Dock Master reacts to this, but quickly covers: Mike: [Dock master] I know nothing! Don't hurt me! > >DOCK MASTER >(evasive) Crow: [Dock master] I evade your silly question! Ha ha ha! >Suliban? I don't know that word. Your device must still be >malfunctioning. Mike: [Archer] Why couldn't I just bring a picture? > >As he goes back to work... Tom: Hey! They're not done yet! ... Are they? > >CUT TO: > >INT. TRADE COMPLEX -LEVEL FIVE -NIGHT > >Reed and Mayweather are following a furtive ALIEN MAN. Tom: o/~ 'Cause I'm the Alien Man. I am the Alien Man... o/~ > This section of >the structure is filled with a cacophony of strange sounds and deep, >blue-green lighting. > Mike: Ah, so we ARE on Babylon 5. Alien sector, right? >MAYWEATHER >Shouldn't we call the Captain? Mike: [Reed] Tell him what? "We found a very funky looking room"? > >REED >Maybe we should wait. Tom: Maybe you should stop being so indecisive. > >MAYWEATHER >(to Alien Man) >How much longer? Mike: [Mayweather] Are we there yet? > > >ALIEN MAN >It's not very far. I promise you. Crow: [Alien man] Now stop complaining or I'll turn myself around and go back home! > >REED >Are you sure his name was Klaang? Couldn't it have been another >Klingon you saw? Tom: [Reed] Klingons don't all have the same name, right? Crow: "We are all Klaang". > >ALIEN MAN >It was Klaang. I'm certain. I'll show you exactly where he was. Crow: Then we find out it was really HIM all along! [Tom gasps.] > >As they keep moving. Crow: A group of time-traveling script writers come back to this point to make a few more extra periods. > >CUT TO: > >INT. TRADE COMPLEX -LEVEL TWO -SITTING AREA -NIGHT > >A small "rest stop" off the main thoroughfare with a few benches and >chairs. Tom: So where do they... you know? Mike: Maybe the Rigelians have an interesting form of... you know... Crow: Clean up? Mike: Uh, yeah. > Charlie sits among a bizarre assortment of aliens, waiting, >uncomfortable. Tom: [Charlie] So this is where you go get citizenship? > >He glances at a nearby WINDOW, where we can see T'Pol through the >glass, talking to a uniformed "alien official." Mike: Suuuuuuure he is! Crow: I think T'Pol just wants a little bit of Pon Farr fun, eh? > The sound of CRYING >draws Charlie's attention... Tom: Someone's playing the Crying Game? Neat! > >AN ALIEN CHILD > >is nearby, wearing an exotic BREATHING APPARATUS. The MOTHER is >tweaking a small control on the device, seemingly taunting the child, >who is crying. Crow: [mother] So you want a little oxygen, huh? How about THIS much? Huh? That'll teach you not to make fun of my cooking! > >CHARLIE > >is unsettled. Tom: That BBQ steak never stays in his stomach, does it? > He glances back at the window. T'Pol finishes talking >to the official, exits through a small door, and heads toward the >sitting area. Mike: [T'Pol] He told me to wait here for a few minutes like everyone else. > She motions to Charlie, who joins her. T'Pol removes >her communicator and flips it open. Mike: And quickly gets an "out of range" message. > >T'POL >(to com) >T'Pol to Archer. > Tom: [com] Sorry, this is Boston Pizza. May I take your order? >ARCHER'S COM VOICE >Go ahead. > >Charlie glances back at the alien child, who is in increasing >distress. He can no longer control himself. Crow: Charlie SMASH! > >CHARLIE >(to mother) >Hey... > Crow: [Charlie] What's new with you, good lookin'? *slap!* Ow! >The woman shoots him a dirty look and ignores him > >T'POL >(to com) >Central Security claims to have no record of Klaang. Mike: But the dock master... ah, forget it. > But they told me >about an enclave on Level Nineteen where Klingons have been known to >go. Something about live food. Tom: [T'Pol] As if I don't know much about their eating habits! > >ARCHER'S COM VOICE >Where on Level Nineteen? > Mike: Between levels 18 and twenty? >T'POL >The easternmost subsection... by the geothermal shafts. Crow: Near Deadman's Space Anomaly! > >ARCHER'S COM VOICE >I'll meet you there as soon as I can. Archer out. > >The alien child is now nearly hysterical. Mike: You said I'd be on "Smallville"! Get me outta here! Now! > The mother has disconnected >the breathing tube and the child appears to be suffocating. Charlie >instinctively moves to help. > >CHARLIE >(on the move) >What're you doing? Leave the kid >alone! > Crow: Oh, but reattach the hose first! >T'Pol grabs him by the arm. > >T'POL >Don't get involved. > Tom: T'Pol must have been one of Kitty Genovese's neighbors. >CHARLIE >(protesting) >Do you see what she's doing? He's going to suffocate! Mike: [Charlie] She's doing it all wrong! You're supposed to cut the chord first! > >T'POL >They're Lorillians. Tom: [T'Pol] They all have the sudden urge to suffocate their young. > Before the >age of four, they can only breathe methyloxide. Mike: I guess evolution does always work for everyone. Crow: Did the breathing equipment come with the baby? >(pointed) >The mother is simply weaning her son. Mike: [T'Pol] It's only natural that she's giving everyone a dirty look. > >CHARLIE >(beat) >Could've fooled me. Tom: [T'Pol] I was fooling you. I just want you to shut up. > >He notices that the child is beginning to breathe on his own. As they >exit the sitting area... Crow: A group of time-traveling talent searchers... are considering not coming here. > >T'POL >Humans can't refrain from drawing conclusions. Tom: [T'Pol] I'm not irritating! At least watch a few more episodes before making a conclusion! >(sharply) >You should learn to objectify other cultures... so you can determine >when to interfere, and when not to. > Mike: [Charlie] I've learned to objectify women ... does that count? >Charlie glances back at the child. He doesn't like being lectured to, >but realizes he's made a mistake. > >NEW ANGLE -A FIGURE > >is watching them from the shadows. Crow: Strider, the hobbits are in the *other* bar. > The figure steps into the light, >revealing dappled flesh and dilated pupils... Suliban. Crow: [Suliban, sober] Why must they fight me? Mike: Kind of icky, kind of spooky. Suliban! > OFF the ominous >moment... > >CUT TO: > >TWO BEAUTIFUL ALIEN WOMEN (OPTICAL) Crow: Ah, there's the Berman touch. Mike: Just in time, too! I was wondering when we'll get this "sexual content". Tom: I feel like humming the Star Wars cantina theme. > >scantily clad, exotic features, swaying to an alien rhythm. Tom: Whaddya know? It IS the Star Wars cantina! Crow: Or Jabba's palace. Either way, this thing smells of a copycat. > Hanging >between them is a thin, undulating lantern, surrounded by dozens of >flitting butterflies. Crow: For aliens, having butterflies flutter around you means you're nervous. > The women slowly move closer to the lantern... >seductively, one of them opens her mouth and arches her head. An >eight-inch TONGUE quickly darts out and snares a butterfly. Mike: Seductive butterfly eating! Crow: Mmmm, crunchy! > The >other woman does the same -thwiip Crow: Thwiip? Did Ratliff have a say in this script? Tom: o/~ Thwiip it! ... Thwiip it good! o/~ > > >REVEAL we're in - > >INT. TRADE COMPLEX -LEVEL FIVE -RED LIGHT DISTRICT - NIGHT(OPTICAL) Mike: So we're in the Netherlands? Tom: The Red Light District- For all your TV rating needs. > >Reed and Mayweather are standing in a crowd of spectators, watching >the butterfly-women with a mixture of arousal and disgust. Crow: And, for some reason, hunger. Tom: Nothing turns you on like women eating butterflies! > The Alien Man >seen earlier stands nearby, eyeing them. Mike: [Alien] What? It's like you've never seen women eating butterflies before! Tom: [Mayweather] Usually, they're wearing Santa caps when they do so. > >ALIEN MAN >Would you like to meet them? I can arrange it. Crow: You're gonna like, cause she's got class. > >MAYWEATHER >Is this where you saw Klaang? Tom: [Alien] No, but there's Waldo over there! > >ALIEN MAN >No, no, not here. I'II show you where. But first, you should >enjoy yourselves! Mike: Who wants puppy-burgers? I'm buying! >(to Reed, re: butterfly- women) >Which one would you prefer? > >Reed is uncomfortable in this setting... but he's intrigued by it all >despite himself. Crow: Reed is a contradictory fellow. > >REED >We're here to learn about the Klingon... Mike: Well, they're a species of bumpy-foreheaded warriors who believe in an honor system, although originally they had no bumpy foreheads at all and they were just evil and substitute Russians... >(eyes women) >Are those real butterflies, or some -kind of holograms? Tom: [Reed] And do they come in honey and peanut butter flavors? > >MAYWEATHER >We should get going, sir. Mike: [Mayweather] Come on, we'll go grab some sno-cones. > >REED >Yes, absolutely, you're right. Crow: [Reed] Let's ditch this place. I'm bored. > >They start walking through the narrow arcade filled with erotic >pleasures... Tom: Why, there was even a "Dead or Alive" arcade machine sucking quarters! > including a topless fire-eater who we only see from >behind. Mike: This is not your father's Star Trek. It's your 12 year old nephew's. > >ALIEN MAN >(sensing they're getting away) Tom: [Alien] Captain, I'm sensing the plot is going away. >Gentlemen, gentlemen! Perhaps you'd prefer to watch the inter- species >performance! Crow: IfyaknowwhatImean... > >MAYWEATHER >You don't know anything about Klaang, do you? Tom: [Alien] Nope. Still, wanna date my women? > >ALIEN MAN >Of course I do, but there's no reason to hurry. Mike: [Alien] Here, have a salmon puff. > >REED >"Inter-species performance?" Tom: [Reed] Duhhhhhh, are we involved in this? > >MAYWEATHER >Lieutenant... this man has no intention of helping us. Crow: [Alien] Sure I do! Look! Klaang's one of the dancers! > >REED >(to Alien Man, politely) >Perhaps another time Tom: [Reed] Say, five hours later? Mike: [Mayweather] REED! Tom: [Reed] Oh, right, can't, sorry. [whispering] I'll be at the bar. > >The Alien Man shakes his head, disappointed, and disappears into the >crowd. Crow: Wow, neat trick! His species must know how to blend into crowds! > As the two of them move away from the action... [Crow does some fade-away "wachika" music.] > >MAYWEATHER (re: Alien Man) >I can't believe we fell for that. Mike: [Mayweather] The ol' "draw potential customers using the latest plot" trick! > >REED >(glancing back over his shoulder) >We are explorers. Tom: And we all know how some weird guy talking about chicks diverted Christopher Columbus. > >CUT TO: > >INT. TRADE COMPLEX -LEVEL NINETEEN -NIGHT > >In contrast to the lively "red light district", this level is desolate >and eerie. Mike: Gothland! > Deep grinding noises from the power generators below can be >heard echoing through the damp floors. Crow: No wait, sounds more like the shield generators on Endor. > Archer and Hoshi are moving >cautiously past rows of GEOTHERMAL DUCTS which are violently venting >STEAM Tom: Peter Gabriel must be near. > >HOSHI >Isn't an enclave supposed to have people? > >ARCHER >"Enclave" could mean a lot of things. Mike: [Archer] "Enclave" could mean a place for an ambush for all we know. > >They keep walking. Hoshi is getting a little spooked. Tom: Again? > >HOSHI >T' Pol said something about "live" food. I don't see any restaurants... Crow: [Hoshi] AAAAH! The food's alive! I'm SCARED! > >Archer's senses are at full alert. He sees something. Mike: [Archer] My Trekkie sense is tingling! >In the distance, two KLINGONS are quickly moving through the shadows >away from them. Tom: [Klingon #1] I've got some munchies for some Kholanese stew. Crow: [Klingon #2] Your tastebuds have no honor! > >ARCHER >(calls out) >Hello... excuse me! Tom: Uh, Mr. Warrior, sir? Hello? He-he-hello? > >The Klingons don't respond, but continue to move away with urgency. >Archer doesn't like what he's seeing. > >HOSHI >(calls out, in Klingon) >Ha'quj jeg! > Crow: I don't think asking for a diet soda will help, Hoshi. >Silence. They're gone. > Tom: But were they ever here to begin with? Mike: Yes they were. Stop that. >HOSHI >They looked Klingon to me. > >Odd scratching sounds cause them both to look about. Mike: Berman's cat is scratching the furniture again. Crow: He has a cat? Mike: ...Quiet you. > Something isn't >right here. Archer flips open his communicator. Crow: Mulder? Mike: Stop it. Besides, Mulder's phone probably could pick it up. > >ARCHER (to com) >Archer to T'Pol. Mike: [basso] Are you decent? >(beat) >T'Pol, come in. Tom: [Archer] Now is not the time for your Vulcan meditations! > >No response. A noise above causes them both to look up. Crow: [Archer] Oh, it's just the party upstairs! Ha ha, crazy kids. > >HOSHI >(anxiety rising) Mike: [Hoshi] I didn't even bring an extra change of underwear! We're doomed! >Maybe we should get back to where there are more people. > >Archer draws his pistol. > >ARCHER >There are plenty of people right here. Crow: [Archer] They're just shy, you know. >(quietly) >Stay behind me. Mike: [Archer] Use me as a human shield if you want! > >Archer and Hoshi move through the shadows. The pounding machinery >below seems accentuated. Tom: Oh no! The machines are coming closer! Crow: No, Archer and Hoshi are in a garbage compactor! The walls are gonna close in on them! > They pass by an erupting geothermal duct... >steam billowing around them... when suddenly: Crow: A group of time-traveling... Mike: Are you STILL on that? > >A SULIBAN > >emerges from the steam and grabs Hoshi, who screams! Tom: Why? Because she's a GIRL... > Archer whirls to >take aim, but TWO more SULIBAN quickly rush at him from different >directions! Crow: And Archer is sacked, right behind the line of scrimmage! > Archer's pistol is KNOCKED from his hand. Tom: Mannix! > He swings and >gets off a couple of good PUNCHES at one of the attackers, but the >Suliban is unfazed and they quickly immobilize him. Mike: They blew out his track with a sticky bomb. >As Archer and Hoshi are pulled into the darkness... Crow: ...we cut to commercials, and leave the audience hanging! > >CUT TO: > >INT. TRADE COMPLEX - GEOTHERMAL ACCESS LEVEL - UNDERGROUND (OPTICAL) > >A steamy maze of vertical, diagonal and horizontal conduits. Tom: So, basically, it's a steamy maze. Crow: You think the Rigelians would do something about their pipes. > Archer and >Hoshi are led in by the three Suliban, who now hold the plasma pistol. Mike: [Suliban] Neat gun! It'll go neat with my 1950 police special! >They're brought into a small open area, where T'Pol and Charlie are >being held. Tom: [Charlie] Darn it, why did they trick me into this prison? Crow: [Archer] It's because we're *explorers*! Mike: [T'Pol] And not, say, because we were stupid? > One of the Suliban works a hand-held device, and we see an >ENERGY FIELD flash OFF. Tom: Which was odd, since the Suliban was just playing on his Gameboy Advance. > Hoshi is led into the energy field. The guard >exits and we see the field flash ON again. Mike: So the guard really didn't turn on the field? > (NOTE: These Suliban are >dressed differently than the ones we saw on Enterprise. > Crow: This time they wore boxers underneath! >Our people have now begun to sweat from the intense heat. Mike: Then get some air conditioning! Silly writers... > The Suliban >are unaffected by the temperature. > >As Archer is led away by two of the Suliban, T'Pol's look toward him >says "I told you so" in no uncertain terms. Crow: That's our T'Pol. Tom: Sheesh, I don't think now is the time to gloat, T'Pol. > > >NEW ANGLE (OPTICAL) > >Archer is led into an area with beds, tables and chairs, as well as a >few high-tech computers. Mike: Oh, an Internet cafe. Tom: They have beds? Mike: Well... the ones I've been to. Crow: They didn't even HAVE Internet cafes back then, Mike! Mike: ... Huh. > This underground level serves as the base of >operations for a small group of Suliban dissidents. Tom: Whoa! Quit spoiling us, script! Crow: They're not exactly the best at keeping secrets, are they? > >The two Suliban EXIT the area, leaving Archer alone in the peculiar >setting. After a beat, a quiet female VOICE is heard: Magic Voice: [O.S.] Attention, dinner is now being served. Crow: Oh goody, time to chow down! Mike: Sit down, Crow. I know of your little ploy. Crow: Drats. Thanks anyway, MV. > >SARIN >(O.C.) >You're looking for Klaang... why? > Tom: [Archer] Because I want to strike out that smug look from T'Pol's face! >ARCHER >(glancing around) >Who the hell are you? Mike: [Archer] You're not a hologram, are you? > >SARIN steps out of the shadows. She's strikingly beautiful and appears >to be human. Crow: Heh heh, "appears" human. Mike: Beautiful, but still unrecognizable? > >SARIN >My name is Sarin. Tom: Her other siblings' names are Small Pox and Anthrax. >(beat) >Tell me about the people who took Klaang off your ship. Mike: Suliban number one is a homemaker from Wichita, Kansas. > >ARCHER >I was hoping you could tell me... they looked a lot like your friends >outside. Mike: [Sarin] Nice. Please tell me what you think of them. Crow: [Archer] Uh, they're... mean? > >Sarin steps toward him... > >SARIN >Where were you taking him? Mike: Klingon recycling plant. We were hoping to get our deposit back. > >ARCHER >How come you don't look like your >friends? Tom: [Archer] And how come you have br-er, I mean, "attributes". > >She's uncomfortably close now... Crow: At least for US... Tom: I don't think Archer cares so much about being comfortable. > >SARIN >Would you prefer I did? Crow: Not particularly, but some breath mints couldn't hurt. > >ARCHER >What I'd prefer is that you give me Klaang back. Mike: [Archer] Oh... And release my friends, while you're at it. > >SARIN >So you could take him where? > >ARCHER >Home... we were just taking him home. Crow: Ah shoot, this IS Voyager! > >Sarin is now inches away... she seems to be gauging him... Crow: I think she's more interested in something else. Tom: But... why? > >ARCHER >(wry) >You'd better be careful. I'm a lot bigger than you are. Mike: Is he coming on to her? Crow: Well, I know who's coming on to who. Tom: Again... why? > > >Sarin moves her face close to his... Crow: They make a vase! See? > >SARIN >If you're thinking about harming me, I'd advise against it. Mike: [Sarin] I like to play, but not that rough. Crow: Well, that takes the fun out of it. Tom: ... Why? > >She runs the back of her hand along his jaw line.,, Crow: [falsetto] You have a kind, gentle face. Tom: Uh... why? Mike: Just smile and nod, Servo. Tom: It's hard to do either, Mike. > >ARCHER >What are you doing? > >SARIN >Why were you taking Klaang home? Mike: [Archer] Oh, I see. You didn't watch the first half of this episode. > >She moves her fingers across his face... > >ARCHER >You know, under different circumstances, I might be flattered by this, >but... > Tom: [Archer] I'm just REALLY creeped out right now. >She kisses him on the mouth. Mike: Hmmm, you think we may be going too far with this first contact? > After a couple of seconds, she steps a >few feet back... and her face and arms TRANSFORM into the dappled, >creepy appearance of a SULIBAN. Archer reacts. Tom: [Archer] Hey, where'd the girl go? Who're you? > >ARCHER >That's never happened before. Crow: I mean I've kissed my dog and mom, but never a real live girl! Mike: Usually you have to kiss a frog to get it to turn into woman, not the other way around. > >SARIN >I've been given the ability to... measure trust... but it requires >close contact. Tom: [Sarin] The whole "beautiful woman" disguise put you right into my trap! > >ARCHER >You're Suliban... > >SARIN >I'm a member of the Cabal... Crow: [Sarin] We search for the truth. Because THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE. > but not any longer. The price of >evolution was too high. > Mike: And since her loan wasn't approved, there was no way to afford it. >ARCHER >Evolution? > Tom: [Sarin] You know, lousy movie with that guy from Mad TV, the X-Files and Dude, Where's My Car? >SARIN >(carefully) >Some of my people are so anxious to "improve" themselves that they've >lost perspective. Mike: They just keep morphing! One day claws, the next butterfly wings, then bunny tails... > >Archer, baffled by what she's saying, gets to the point. > Crow: [Archer] The disguise was just an excuse to boost ratings, wasn't it? >ARCHER >So you know I'm not lying to you... now what? > >SARIN >Klaang was carrying a message to >his people... > Mike: And he went all the way to Earth to send it! >ARCHER >How do you know that? > >SARIN >I gave it to him. > >ARCHER >What kind of message? Crow: [Sarin] It's just a note to the Chancellor. I think he's kinda cute. > >SARIN >The Suliban have been staging attacks within the Klingon >Empire... making it appear that one faction is attacking another. Tom: Apparently the Klingons have been falling for that ploy for centuries. >(beat) >Klaang was bringing proof of this to his High Council. Without that >proof, the Empire could be thrown into chaos. Tom: When isn't the Klingon Empire on the brink of chaos? Mike: Yeah, not the most stable government in the universe. > >ARCHER >Why would the Suliban want that? Crow: They're working for the Shadows in an ideological war against the Vorlons. > >SARIN >The Cabal doesn't make decisions on its own. They're simply soldiers... Mike: If Kurt Russell pops into this story... >fighting a Temporal Cold War. Tom: So, the Soviets are behind this! > >ARCHER >Temporal? You've lost me. > >SARIN >They're taking orders from the distant future. Tom: Well, they certainly haven't been getting orders from me. Mike: Me either. Crow? Crow: No. My minions are back in the 18th century. > >ARCHER >(baffled} >What? Tom: [Archer] Time-travel AGAIN? Look, lady, I've had enough with "Quantum Leap"! > >Over the following, we SEE one of Silik's Suliban skitter across the >ceiling in the b.g. Crow: o/~ Suliban, Suliban, does whatever a Suli-can... o/~ > He goes unnoticed and slips into shadow. Tom: Shadow gets hurt and decides to sic his dog Interceptor on the Suliban. > >SARIN >(changing subject) Mike: [Sarin] So, how about them Chicago Bears? >We can help you find Klaang... but we don't have a starship. You'll >have to take us with you. Mike: What does God need with a starship? Crow: Mike? You know that I was just kidding on the whole "group of time-traveling" bit. Mike: We know, Crow. > > >Suddenly, there's a blinding FLASH of blue light as a Suliban weapons >DISCHARGE strikes the nearby computer station, blowing it apart! Mike: Wow. They must have a real static cling problem on Suliban. > They >react, startled. > Crow: [Archer] Hey, we're talking here! Do you mind? >Another weapons BLAST hits closer to them. Tom: Apparently good aim wasn't part of their genetic engineering program. > Sarin and Archer rush out >of the area just as two SULIBAN ATTACKERS move into view and start >FIRING toward them! Tom: That's nice. How about firing AT them? Mike: Sulibans have stormtrooper training I see. > >NEW ANGLE -GEOTHERMAL ACCESS LEVEL -ON THE AWAY TEAM 104 (OPTICAL) > >All hell is breaking loose. Crow: The episode finally decided "to hell with this" and went to get its paycheck. > T'Pol, Charlie and Hoshi are trapped >within the energy field as a BATTLE RAGES nearby --Suliban versus >Suliban! Tom: Starring Dustin Hoffman and Meryl Streep. > In the b.g., we can hear weapons fire and people yelling. Mike: And the Battle of Rigel rages on! > >One of Sarin's Suliban lies dead nearby... while another is exchanging >weapons FIRE with two Suliban Attackers. Tom: They all quickly topple nearby tables and hide behind them. > Sarin's Suliban BLASTS one >attacker, who falls to the ground... but he is KILLED by the second! Crow: The attacker or Sarin's Suliban? Tom: It doesn't matter. They're all dead anyway. > >The Suliban Attacker then turns on the Away Team. He starts FIRING at >the energy field, trying to disrupt it! Tom: Uh, why not just shoot the panel on the wall? Crow: How about just shooting the special effects guy? > The field flashes and fritzes, >terrifying! Mike: Hoshi immediately cowers for her blanket. > >Sarin steps into view. She takes aim and FIRES at the Attacker, who's >blown off his feet. Tom: I guess the weapon was set on "trip". > She rushes to a control panel and works it. The >field FLASHES OFF. Mike: [attacker] Now why didn't I think of that? Urgh! > Sarin opens a nearby locker and starts handing the >crew their phase-pistols. Crow: Well, half the crew, anyway. The other half was handed batteries in case the phase guns run out. > >SARIN >(to Archer) >Where's your vessel? Mike: [Sarin] And does it have airbags? And what type of mileage does it get? Does it have a sun roof? Or a CD player? > >ARCHER >On the roof... Docking Port three. Tom: No, silly. It's in ORBIT! You were talking about the SHUTTLE... > >Hoshi glances up to see -- Mike: A bloody hook hanging off the door! [Tom screams.] > >TWO SULIBAN (OPTICAL) > >One is chasing the other along the underside of a diagonal conduit >high above the ground. Both appear to defy gravity, rapidly crawling >along the pipe. Mike: Spiderman-wannabes. Crow: Next they'll swing from webbing attached to the clouds. > >HOSHI > >reacts. Tom: She falls down and plays dead, hoping that the scary aliens would just go away. > >SARIN >This way. > >As Sarin leads them off... a SULIBAN ATTACKER drops into CLOSE UP, >threatening! Mike: [attacker] I got big words, and I'm not afraid to use them! > >TWO OF SARIN'S SULIBAN (OPTICAL) > >are ducking and weaving through the maze of conduits with heightened >agility, firing at off-camera assailants. Tom: Hey, no shooting the make-up crew! > One is struck down by a >weapons blast! Mike: While the other was struck by the incredible low prices on all fashions! > >HIGH ANGLE -ARCHER AND SARIN (OPTICAL) > >In the distance, we can see FLASHES of WEAPONS -- the battle rages on. Crow: You know, bang bang, zap zap, nothing you Trekkies haven't seen before in the movies... Mike: At least Archer isn't giving karate chops. >We BOOM DOWN to find Archer and Sarin on the movie with T'Pol, Charlie >and Hoshi. Tom: On the movie? Crow: Yes, it's only one episode and already they're going big screen. > Tension as they navigate the jungle of pipes, weapons fire >in the b.g. > >Sarin reaches a massive VERTICAL CONDUIT, hits a control, which opens >a HATCH leading into the large pipe. Mike: Alright, I want no Super Mario references coming out of you two. Tom: And I was just preparing the sound byte! Thanks a lot... > Inside we see a circular PLATFORM >a couple of feet above the deck. Crow: Oh, so this is just the lift on DS9. Mike: Nice to see they recycled more than plots. > >Sarin goes to a control mechanism and stands by as Archer helps Hoshi >climb onto the platform... Tom: [Hoshi] Oh, did I tell you that I'm also afraid of elevators? Mike & Crow: D'oh! > followed by T'Pol... > >Distant weapons fire STREAKS by! Crow: Damn kids. Wish the police would be around to stop this. > Everyone tenses. Charlie jumps up >onto the platform, followed by Archer. Tom: Yes, women and minor characters first. > >Sarin pulls a series of LEVERS, and we HEAR the rushing sound of >thermal energy... Mike: Oh no, she's opened the flood gates! > and the platform begins to TREMBLE slightly. > >Sarin moves toward the platform when WHAM! she's hit in the back by a >weapons blast! Tom: Wham? Crow: Even some of the fanfic authors don't resort to a soundtrack. > REVEAL -- > >SILIK (OPTICAL) > >who has just fired the shot from across the room, weapon trained on >Sarin. He FIRES again! Mike: This time it made a BOFF! Tom: He then followed with a WHACK and a POW! > >SARIN (OPTICAL) > >falls! Crow: Mission failed. Press START to try again. > The points of impact glow and sizzle as they BURN their way >into Sarin's writhing body. Tom: [Beavis] Heh heh heh heh heh heh, FIRE! Heh heh heh... > >ARCHER AND CHARLIE (OPTICAL) > >jump off the platform! Mike: And perform a synchronized back dive double twist. > As Archer moves to Sarin... Charlie takes aim >and starts FIRING his pistol at the (off-camera) attacker. Crow: [Charlie] You maniac! She was our only lead! Now we have nothing to do for the remainder of this episode! > >SILIK (OPTICAL) > >takes cover behind an outcropping of pipes Tom: [Charlie] No fair! I hit you! > >ARCHER (OPTICAL) > >kneels down to help Sarin, who is dying Mike: Thanks for clearing that up. For a moment I thought she was taking a nap. > >SARIN >, to Archer) >Find Klaang. Tom: [Sarin] And tell him... he's... fired! *gurk* > >Sarin starts to lose consciousness. Archer realizes there's nothing he >can do and stands. Crow: Well, nothing except standing. > >ARCHER >(calls out) >Charlie! > >Archer jumps back onto the trembling platform, quickly followed by >Charlie. A weapons blast strikes nearby! >Archer slides the hatch SHUT, and the moment he does -- Mike: UPN replaces the show with a rerun of "Girlfriends". > >INT. VERTICAL SHAFT -LOOKING DOWNWARD (OPTICAL) > >Archer and his team react as the platform BLASTS UPWARD through the >shaft, shooting PAST at rapid speed, propelled by a roiling pillar of >steam! Crow: It's a barrel of fun when you're riding the Rigelian Steam Lifts! > >CUT TO: > >EXT. TRADE COMPLEX -ROOFTOP DOCKING PORT -NIGHT (OPTICAL) > >A ferocious ARCTIC STORM blankets the scene. Tom: [dramatic] Captain Archer of the Yukon! > An ACCESS PORT on the >deck OPENS automatically. We HEAR the roaring sound of the >approaching platform. Mike: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome... Blink 182! > Seconds later, the PLATFORM EMERGES, stopping >two feet above the deck. STEAM blasts out in all directions from the >opening below the platform, billowing into the freezing air. Crow: A taste of what the Super Bowl halftime show will be if brought to Chicago. > >ARCHER AND HIS TEAM > >still covered with sweat from the heat below, react to the frigid wind >and snow. Mike: They turn into icicles. Crow: Mmmmm, frozen Trekkies. > Archer jumps off the platform. > >ARCHER >(over wind) >Let's go! Tom: Yeah, like "Zoom zoom zoom" and stuff. > >Charlie, T'Pol and Hoshi follow him onto the deck, >Hoshi is a bit overwhelmed by tbe last few minutes, but manages to >hold berself togetber. Crow: Awwww, I think the script just caught a cold. > >HOSHI >(over wind) >Where's the pod? Mike: [over imaginary wind] Who remembers where we're parked? Tom: [also over non-wind] I think we're parked in the giraffe lot. > >CHARLIE >(over wind) >Over here! > >T'POL >(over wind) >No, it's this way! Mike: [T'Pol] I know the license plate when I see it! > >Archer quickly weighs the two options, and chooses to go in T'Pol's >direction. Crow: [Archer] Eeeny meeny miny... > >ARCHER >(pointing, over wind) >Come on! Tom: [Archer] There must be a good spoon somewhere around the corner! > >The four of them start heading toward an obscured shape with two light >sources -- what they believe is their shuttle. Archer removes his >communicator and flips it open. Crow: [Kirk] Scotty, beams us... [normal] oh, wrong Captain. > >ARCHER >(over wind, to com) >Lieutenant Reed, this is Archer! > Come in! Tom: [Reed]You're supposed to say 'over', over. > >A beat, then we hear a heavily fritzed voice: > >REED'S COM VOICE >(unintelligible) >zzzzzzzk-gggggguzzzzzzt Mike: Reed must be hitting the bottle. Tom: Ah, sweet booze! Crow: [Archer, angry] YOU'VE BEEN IN MY SECRET STASH, HAVEN'T YOU? > >ARCHER >(over wind) >We're on the roof! You need to get up here as quickly as -- Tom: [Com] The person you are trying to reach is unreachable at this time. But if you leave your name and COM number after the tone... > >INT. ENTERPRISE SHUTTLEPOD -NIGHT > >Reed and Mayweather are warm and dry, as the snow storm rages outside >the window. Crow: [Reed] I'm not shoveling the driveway! > The shuttle is parked on the landing deck. Reed is working >the com. Archer's unintelligible voice is heard: Mike: Ouch, even the script is taking swipes at Scott Bakula. > >ARCHER'S COM VOICE >(continuing) >--zzzzzzzzk Tom: By this time, he and the rest of the away team are frozen. > >REED >(to com) >We've been trying to reach you, Captain --we're back in the shuttle. Crow: And all warm and cozy here. You really outta come check it out. > >Mayweather is at a monitor. > >MAYWEATHER >Ask him where they are. This storm's getting worse. Tom: [Mayweather] Maybe we should've taken our winter gear with us... NAH! > >REED (to com) >Captain, what's your location? The weather is -- Mike: [Reed] Great! That is, if we stayed HOME. Tom: [Mayweather] Quit whining! > >EXT. ROOFTOP DOCKING PORT -NIGHT (OPTICAL) > >Archer and the others still on the move. Crow: Saving Captain Archer. Now in theatres. > >REED'S COM VOICE >(continuing) >--gzzzzzzt --zzzzzk Mike: [Archer] Reed, I'm going to have a talk with you if and when we get back! >Archer closes his communicator in frustration as he approaches the two >lights. Tom: One is to heaven, the other is to a Kevin Costner movie. So many choices... > They move closer to the obscured shape... until they see that >it's nothing more than an empty DOCKING PORT. Mike: Left turn at Albuquerque. You'd think everyone would get it right by now. > >HOSHI >(over wind) >Great! > Tom: [Hoshi] I have to stay on the scary planet a little longer? AAAAAH! >CHARLIE >(over wind) >Like I said, it's over there! Mike: [T'Pol] Humans have the awful tenacity of rubbing it in. > >Suddenly, a Suliban WEAPONS BLAST shoots past them, blowing one of the >lights off the docking port! Tom: [Suliban] Darn it, I hate these targeting sensors! > >ARCHER >Weapons! Crow: Yes, Archer. They are. You know, the things that hit people and make them fall down? >They draw their pistols and follow Archer across the icy deck... Tom: [Charlie] Hey, stand still so I can shoot you! Crow: [Archer] Not ME, you idiot! > >ANGLE- SILIK (OPTICAL) > >and two of his men FIRE their weapons at the distant figures of Archer >and his team, who vanish into the storm. The Suliban move after them... Mike: And an intense game of lasertag ensues! > >ARCHER AND HIS TEAM (OPTICAL) > >Running, searching for the shuttle. Suliban weapons fire STRIKES >nearby and our team is forced to SCATTER! Tom: [Archer] Retreat! Their shiny guns are too noisy! > In the darkened storm, the >FIRE-FIGHT takes on an almost eerie beauty. Crow: Eerie in the sense that nobody's been shot yet. > Starfleet pistols firing >deep red plasma bullets; Suliban weapons firing hot blue beams; all of >it cutting through the swirling snow. Mike: Translation: They all shoot. > >INT. ENTERPRISE SHUTTLEPOD -NIGHT > >Reed and Mayweather, as before. There's a muted FLASH of LIGHT outside >the window. They react. Crow: [Reed] Oh! I think the pizza's here! > >REED >I've never seen lightning in a snowstorm before. Mike: [Reed] Rigel's weather system is odd. Maybe they literally rain cats and dogs? > >MAYWEATHER >(works) >The storm's kicking up too much interference... I can't isolate human >bio-signs. They could be anywhere in the complex. Crow: [Mayweather] Blasted sensors. One minute they can pick up underground tunnels. Next minute they can't even find out what's outside. > >There's a slight THUMP from outside. Reed turns for an instant, but >returns to his work. Mike: Kids must be throwing snowballs at the shuttle. > >REED >Try Vulcan bio-signs Crow: [Mayweather] Okay, but which Vulcan shall I look for? > >Mayweather works. THUMP-THUMP! He turns at the sound and sees... > >T'POL AT THE WINDOW > >being battered by the storm outside Mike: [T'Pol] You're missing all the fun outside! Ugh... > >MAYWEATHER >I found her. Crow: [Reed] Oh, the sensors are finally working? > >Reed looks over. Both men quickly move to an EMERGENCY HATCH on the >side of the ship and fire the release mechanism. The door pops out a >few inches and slowly begins to lower, a gush of cold air blowing into >the shuttle... Crow: [Reed] Hurry up! You're letting the cold in! > >EXT. ROOFTOP DOCKING PORT -NIGHT (OPTICAL) > >Our three other people, shivering cold, are looking for cover as the >Suliban weapons fire strikes around them. Mike: On a rooftop docking port? Crow: Spiderman had more luck just jumping. > >CHARLIE (OPTICAL) > >ducks behind a low wall, continues to FIRE back. Tom: On the plus side, at least their ankles will be protected. > >ARCHER AND HOSHI (OPTICAL) > >on the move. Archer has one hand on Hoshi's arm, while he FIRES toward >the Suliban. Tom: Hey, Archer, watch the hand there. Mike: [Hoshi] I can RUN myself, you know! > >THE SHUTTLE HATCH > >is lowering into place Crow: It's... coming... down... slowly... Mike: Sheesh, no wonder they made those swishing doors in the other series. > >SILIK AND HIS MEN > >are closing in on our people. Suddenly, a loud ROARING SOUND from >above! Silik looks up to see - Tom: SUPERMAN! Crow: About time. I was getting bored. > >ANGLE -A DEPARTING ALIEN VESSEL (OPTICAL) > >is PASSING slowly OVERHEAD! Mike: Even in the future, people slow down their vehicles whenever something odd happens on the road. > Only its running lights can be seen >through the storm. The blast from its THRUSTER EXHAUST blows >wildly across the deck! Crow: Killing everyone. The end? > >SILIK AND HIS' MEN > >squat down and protect their faces Mike: I knew it! The Suliban are really vampires! Tom: Oh, THAT'S original! > >T'POL (OPTICAL) > >is directly below the passing ship, caught in its powerful exhaust. >She's KNOCKED OFF HER FEET and BLOWN ACROSS the slippery deck! Crow: Wait, wasn't she near the shuttle a moment ago? Tom: Details, details... > >ARCHER AND HOSHI > >watch the (off-camera) ALIEN SHIP as it moves away. The roar dies >down. Archer turns to see that T'Pol is now isolated halfway between >the shuttle and the Suliban. Mike: Hmmm, there's a plot twist we rarely see in fanfics. Tom: What? Mike: Plot twist #12460: An unexplained incident involving wind throws a character into a bad situation. > >T'POL > >is lying on the deck, dazed. She's alone... unarmed... an easy target. Crow: GREAT! GO! Quick, Archer! Leave! Mike: Crow. Crow: I don't care... > >SILIK AND HIS MEN > >stand and see the defenseless woman. Tom: Everyone immediately awws and rushes to help her. Crow: Yeah right... I'm bitter. > >ARCHER REACTS (OPTICAL) > >He turns to Hoshi. Mike: [Archer] BOO! Tom: [Hoshi] AAAAH! Stop it! I'm telling! > >ARCHER >(over wind) >Get to the ship --now! Crow: YES! They're finally taking my advice! > >Hoshi moves toward the shuttle. Archer raises his pistol and starts >FIRING as he RUNS directly at the Suliban! Mike: [Archer] BANZAI! > >ONE OF SILIK'S MEN (OPTICAL) > >is HIT! Silik and his remaining cohort take cover... Tom: [Silik] He's in 'super-insane' mode! Better hide! > >ARCHER (OPTICAL) > >reaches T'Pol's weapon and scoops it up without missing a beat. Crow: Then he rushes back into the shuttle. Tom: [Archer] We only have a few pistols in our arsenal! > > >ARCHER >(over wind, to T'Pol) >Go! Mike: [T'Pol] I'm kinda HURT at the moment. Crow: [Archer] Don't make me carry you. Oh please don't make me. > >T'POL >(over wind) >Enterprise needs its Captain! Give me the weapons! Tom: [whiny] I wanna shoot the bad guys! Mememememememe! > >ARCHER >(over wind) >I said go! Crow: [Archer] And remember to pick up your check at the receptionist. > >Their eyes meet for a brief instant, Tom: Foreshadowing? Crow: I sure hope not. > and T'Pol realizes she's not >going to change his mind. She takes off toward the shuttle. Archer >provides cover for her, edging toward the shuttle while FIRING BOTH >WEAPONS! Mike: John Woo's Broken Bow. > >INT. SHUTTLEPOD > >Charlie and Hoshi are now on board. Mayweather's at the helm, >preparing for launch. Reed reaches out of the open hatch and pulls >T'Pol inside to safety. Mike: [Reed] Women and soon-to-be-pregnant men first. Tom: [Charlie] I heard that. > >ROOFTOP DOCKING PORT (OPTICAL) > >Archer is getting closer to the shuttle, firing shot after shot... Crow: [Reed] Hey, the Suliban are over THERE, silly! > >SILIK AND HIS MAN > >have now separated, forcing Archer to choose a target. Tom: But Archer was not fooled, and shot both of them with his Wayne Gretzky-esque eyesight. > >ARCHER (OPTICAL) > >has almost reached the shuttle. He aims slightly left and is HIT in >the LEG by a blast from Silik's weapon! Tom: Foul! Illegal use of weaponry! 15 yards! > He falls and grimaces as the >point of impact BURNS its way into his flesh. Another SHOT hits >nearby, barely missing him! Mike: All in super-slow-motion, right? Tom: "The Matrix" this isn't. > >Charlie and Reed jump onto the deck. Reed OPENS FIRE as Charlie pulls >Archer through the hatch! Crow: [Reed] This ALWAYS happens whenever Archer's invited to a party. *sigh* > >INT. SHUTTLEPOD > >Mayweather working the helm. We HEAR the hatch CLOSE and the WHINE of >the ENGINES. Crow: I don't wanna take off. I hate flying in the snow. Can't you transport or something? > >MAYWEATHER >The starboard thruster's down! > >T'POL >(taking charge) >Ignore it. Take us up. Crow: [Mayweather] Uh, okay. Shall I get out and push? > >Mayweather works. Hoshi kneels by Archer, who is badly wounded, lying >on the floor, barely conscious. The shuttle JOLTS slightly... then >again! Hoshi grabs hold of a bulkhead. > Crow: Well, she tries to hug it actually. She's a touchy-feely linguist. >EXT. ROOFTOP DOCKING PORT (OPTICAL) > >Silik and his man are FIRING at the SHUTTLE, which disappears into the >storm above. They lower their weapons. Silik turns to his cohort, >grim-faced. Mike: [Silik] I miss them already. > >SILIK >(over wind) >We need instructions. Mike: [Suliban] How about we follow them in our ship and destroy them? Tom: [Silik] ... I didn't pay you to make sense. > >OFF his concern... > >INT. SHUTTLEPOD > >Mid-flight, trembling from the storm, lights flickering. Mayweather at >the helm. T'Pol, Charlie and Reed are seated, Hoshi beside Archer on >the floor. Tom: [Mayweather] Hold on, I'm getting Imperial Star Destroyers off the port bow... > >T'POL >(to Mayweather} >Open a channel. > >He hits a control. Mike: [Mayweather] Alright, Monday Night Football! > >T'POL >(to com) >Sub-Commander T'Pol to Enterprise. Crow: Enterprise to Le Croix! Le Croix to Carrison! He shoots! He scores! > >COM VOICE >Go ahead. > >T'POL >We'll be docking in four minutes. Have Doctor Phlox meet us in Decon. > >COM VOICE >Acknowledged. Is someone wounded? Tom: [T'Pol] My pride. > >T'POL >(matter-of-fact) >The Captain. I'm taking command of Enterprise. Mike: Ha! Ha! I'm your god now! Bwah-ha-ha! Mayweather! Bring me some strawberries! >CLOSE ON ARCHER >as he hears this, far too weak to respond. We PUSH IN on his face as >he slowly loses consciousness... Crow: [Archer] I knew I should've left her to freeze to deaaaaaathhhhh... >DISSOLVE TO: >FLASHBACK: A WINDY BEACH -DAY (OPTICAL) Mike: And now, back to Baywatch: The Next Generation. >Billowy clouds and trees swaying in the stiff breeze. >Young Archer stands working a small control unit, while his father >sits in the sand beside him. Crow: And in a desperate attempt to lower ratings, UPN switches suddenly to RC coverage. >FATHER >Your pitch is too low. Bring up the nose. Tom: [Father] No no no, you're doing it all wrong! Gimme that! >THE STARSHIP MODEL (OPTICAL) >is buffeted by the wind, hits the branches of a tree and crashes into >the sand. Mike: A perfect crash landing! Tom: The judges give it a 9 for effort! >YOUNG ARCHER (OPTICAL) >looks frustrated. >FATHER >It's okay, you almost got it. Try again. Crow: [Father] This time, we can pilot it STRAIGHT into the sand! >Young Archer works the controls... >THE MODEL (OPTICAL) >is airborne again, but wavers as it heads toward the sand. Mike: Maybe the paint job was too much for the engine. >YOUNG ARCHER (OPTICAL) >works the device, frustrated. Tom: Arrgh! Is it punch, punch, kick or kick, kick, punch? >YOUNG ARCHER >I can't do it! >FATHER >Yes, you can. Take her up... straight and steady. Crow: And remember to use the choke when necessary! CHOKE! > >THE MODEL (OPTICAL) > >smashes into a sand dune. Mike: Frank Herbert isn't going to be happy. > >YOUNG ARCHER >Damn Crow: [Father] Son! Where did you pick up such language? Tom: [Archer] Whenever you play poker, daddy! > >Young Archer kneels at the slightly bruised model, his father beside >him. > >FATHER >You can't be afraid of the wind... learn to trust it. Mike: [Father] Of course, if the wind blows you in the sand several times, then MAYBE you should do something. > >The boy hears something and turns his head, > >HIS POV - T'POL (OPTICAL) > >is standing silently against the bright sky, watching them. Crow: [T'Pol] Your mother says it's dinner time. > >FADE TO BLACK. Tom: And roll the commercials! > >A long beat, then within the darkness, a small METAL SLAT slides open. Crow: Let's see how Steve McQueen is doing in the box... >Doctor Phlox peers in through a window, his voice amplified over the >com: Mike: [Phlox] Let me out! I'm not annoying yet! > >PHLOX >It shouldn't take more than a few moments. Crow: [Phlox] Mmmm, can't wait to have fries with this! >REVEAL we're in -- > >INT. ENTERPRISE -DECON CHAMBER > >Charlie and T'Pol are standing in the small room, dimly-lit by >ultraviolet light. Their uniforms are still wet from the blowing snow. Mike: Wait for it... someone's gonna have a cold. > >CHARLIE >(impatient) >Is this really necessary? Tom: It is if we wish to appease the Nielsen Lords. > >PHLOX >The others scanned negative. You two, unfortunately, were exposed to a >protocystian spore. Crow: Mike, what's a protocystian spore? Mike: I think it's chicken pox. Not sure. > I've loaded the appropriate decon-gel into >compartment-B. > >Resigned, Charlie and T'Pol begin to undress... Tom: Saaaay! Mike: Well, this is rapidly becoming my favorite Trek series. Crow: I just feel cheap and used. > >T'POL >(to Phlox) >Tell Mister Mayweather to prepare to leave orbit. Mike: Then what? Crow: [T'Pol] I hear there's an interesting display of Vulcan architecture back in San Francisco... Tom: There's some interesting Vulcan architecture in the room too... > >CHARLIE >How's the Captain? > >PHLOX >I'm treating his wound Crow: Odd. He starts screaming when I apply the sodium chloride to his wounds. Maybe I better try the hydrochloric acid. > >CHARLIE >Will he be all right? Mike: [Phlox] Maybe. Perhaps. Look, I'm a doctor, not a fortune-teller! > >PHLOX >Eventually > > > >The metal slat slides SHUT. Charlie and T'Pol open small LOCKERS. Crow: And a freshman falls out. >T'Pol places her uniform on a hook, while Charlie simply tosses his >in. Charlie strips down to his shorts; T'Pol, to a pair of underwear >and a short-cropped tee-shirt. Tom: Wow. All sorts of bulges here. Mike: Well, at least they're being offensive to both sexes. > They open a compartment labeled "B" and >remove two small CANNISTERS containing a deep blue gelatinous >compound. Crow: Prell, OF THE FUTURE! > >Over the following scene, they begin applying the gel to their bodies. >It's obvious that this is a part of their training... Mike: Starfleet: Come for the training, stay for the sexy nude gel rubs. > modesty is not a >question. Mike: Or sexual arousing for that manner. > The phosphorescent gel glistens on their skin in the >ultraviolet light. Tom: Ooh! A rave! > >CHARLIE >Correct me if I'm wrong, but aren't you just kind of an "observer" on >this mission? I don't remember anyone telling me you were a member of >Starfleet. > >T'POL >My Vulcan rank supersedes yours. > >CHARLIE >Apples and oranges. This is an Earth vessel. You're in no position to >take command. > Mike: With this scene, I was thinking it's more like melons and bananas. Crow: Mike! Tom: Huh? >T'POL >As soon as we're through here, I'll contact Ambassador Soval. He'll >speak to your superiors and I'm certain they'll support my authority >in this situation. > >Charlie knows that if she makes that call, the mission is over. Tom: The audience doesn't, but we'll play along. > >CHARLIE >You must really be proud of yourself. You can put an end to this >mission while the Captain's still unconscious in Sickbay. You won't >even have to look him in the eye. > >They continue rubbing their bodies with the glowing gel. Mike: The next Star Trek series will probably be shown on Cinemax After Dark. > >T'POL >Your precious "cargo" was stolen... three Suliban, perhaps more, were >killed... and Captain Archer has been seriously wounded. It seems to >me this "mission" has put an end to itself. >(beat) >Turn around. Tom: Aye aye, Captain! > >Charlie turns and T'Pol begins to smear the gel on his back, >rhythmically rubbing it slowly down to the waistband of his shorts. As >sensual as this might seem, they continue talking as though it's >business as usual. Mike: Yeah, this only *seems* sensual. It's standard Starfleet procedure. Tom: Kirk and Spock used to rub themselves down after away missions all the time. Crow: And Dr. Crusher and Troi! Tom: And... Mike: OK, OK. I think that's enough. > >CHARLIE >Let's say you're right... let's say we screwed up just like you always >knew we would. Crow: [T'Pol] We screwed up just like you always knew we would. >(beat) >It's still a pretty good bet that whoever blew that hole in the >Captain's leg is connected somehow to the people who took Klaang. Mike: Or the Suliban are just generic villians, prone to attacking Starfleet Captains. > >T'POL >I fail to see your point. > Tom: Look a little lower. I can see his point from here. >She finishes with the back of his thighs, stands and turns. As Charlie >begins to rub decon-gel on her back, she raises the tee-shirt up to >her shoulders. Tom: So, are they applying medical gel or sunscreen? Mike: Quiet. I'm trying to follow the, er, plot. > >CHARLIE >Captain Archer deserves a chance to see this through. If you knew him, >you'd realize that's what he's about. He needs to finish what he >starts. >(pointed) >His daddy was the same way. > >T'POL >You obviously share your Captain's belief that my people were >responsible for impeding Henry Archer's accomplishments. Crow: [T'Pol] You bleeding-hearts need to think logically. Mike: Suddenly, this scene attempts some political intrigue. > >CHARLIE >He only wanted to see his engine >fly... they never even gave him a chance to fail. (beat) Mike: Stupid Vulcans, not giving humans all the answers. >And here you are, thirty years >later, proving just how consistent you Vulcans can be. >T'Pol takes this in, affected by his words but revealing nothing... Tom: Not to US, anyway. Crow: Damn. >CUT TO: > >CLOSE ON CAPTAIN ARCHER > >as he opens his eyes, regaining consciousness. He's lying on a bio- >bed. He grimaces in pain, looks down toward his legs. Mike: Quantum Beef. > REVEAL we're in -- > >INT. ENTERPRISE -SICKBAY > >Archer is partially reclined on the bio-bed. Doctor Phlox is working >on Archer's left thigh, carefully removing a saucer-sized, leech-like >ALIEN CREATURE from the now-healing wound. Tom: [Phlox] There! That will remove the badly humors from ye! > >PHLOX >(sees he's awake) >Very nice, very nice... your myofibers are fusing beautifully. Crow: [Phlox] See? You're developing a lovely second nose! > >Phlox places the creature into a jar of liquid. Tom: [Phlox] There, I have enough blood for an emergency transfusion. Thanks for volunteering! > >ARCHER >How long have I been...? > Mike: On the show? Less than an episode. Still plenty of time for you to be recast. >PHLOX >Less than six hours. I thought it best to keep you sedated while the >osmotic eel cauterized your wound. Tom: [Phlox] Sure, I could've used bandages and antibiotics, but what fun would that be? >Archer looks at the creature swimming in the liquid. Mike: Jabberjaw? >ARCHER >Thanks. > >T'Pol and Charlie ENTER and move to the bio-bed. > >CHARLIE >How are you doing, Captain? > >ARCHER >That depends. What's been going >on for the last six hours? Crow: Gratuitous soft-core porn - I mean decontamination. > >Charlie glances at T'Pol. > >T'POL >As your highest ranking officer, I assumed command while you were >incapacitated. Crow: [Archer] Well, I'm up now, so give me my ship back! > >Archer senses that the ship is moving. > Mike: Sensed. Noticed the PA saying "The ship is now in motion." Same thing, really. >ARCHER >(to Charlie) >Are we underway? > Crow: No, but we're movin'! >Charlie nods. > >ARCHER >(to T'Pol) >You didn't waste much time, did you? > >T'POL >(to Phlox) >Is he fit to resume command? > >PHLOX >As long as he returns for more eel therapy tomorrow. > Tom: Do you think Starfleet Academy teaches a course in eel therapy? Mike: Probably just after the "Empathy for Dummies" class. >ARCHER >(to Charlie) >How long before we get back to >Earth? > >CHARLIE >Earth, sir? > Crow: You know. Blue and green place? They make pizzas there. >T'POL >We're currently tracking the Suliban vessel that left Rigel shortly >after you were injured. > >Archer is surprised and a little skeptical. > Mike: And kind of sleepy too. >ARCHER >You got their... plasma decay rate? > Tom: [Archer] Hell, can I just call it a trail? The folks on "Firefly" get to! >T'POL >With Mister Tucker's assistance, I modified the sensors. You now have >the resolution to detect their warp trail. > Crow: [T'Pol] And I upgraded the video card as well, so you can play "NASCAR 2152" now. Mike: [Mayweather] Sweet! >Archer is bolstered by this, tries to sit up, wincing a little. > >ARCHER >What happened to "this is a foolish mission?" Tom: [T'Pol] It got changed to "this is also the main plot." > >T'POL >It is a foolish mission. The Suliban are clearly a hostile race with >technology far superior to yours. Tom: [T'Pol] But I've got a death wish, so I sent headed off anyway. >(beat) >But as Acting Captain, I was obligated to anticipate your wishes. Crow: [T'Pol] Plus Berman's shouting directions from offstage. > >ARCHER >As Acting Captain, you could've done whatever the hell you wanted to >do. > Mike: [Archer] That's the only reason I took the job! > >T'Po1 doesn't respond. After a beat: Mike: [T'Pol] Don't push it, Captain. > >T'POL >I should return to the Bridge. > Tom: [T'Pol] Or maybe Acapulco. My tan does need some maintenance... >ARCHER >(still skeptical) >Dismissed. > Crow: Okay. [Crow stands up and attempts to leave before being stopped by Mike.] Mike: You know better than that. Crow: Ah. It's always worth a try. > >T'Pol turns and EXITS. Crow: See? She got to go! Tom: The Vulcans have a better union than we do, Crow. Crow: Hrmph. See if I vote for Twikki to be shop steward again. > >CHARLIE >(carefully defending T'Pol) >Modifying the sensors was her idea, sir. > Mike: CYA, 22nd century style! >OFF Archer's puzzled look... Tom: I'm puzzled too. Let's take a second to regroup. [They exit the theater.] [1 . . . 2 . . . 3 . . . 4 . . . 5 . . . 6 . . .] [The doors open on the Bridge. Our happy trio stands behind the command console. Mike carries a guitar. Behind him a large poster of the playful puppy Porthos is placed prominently.] Crow: Wow! Wasn't that exciting? Tom: It sure was! But we're not concerned with the thrilling events of the last few minutes! No, not us! Crow: And we're not just making generic comments so that we can drop this into any random part of the story either! Mike: Nope! We're here to celebrate the most important member of the "Enterprise" crew! No, not the curvaceous Vulcan science officer. Crow: Not the plucky southerner! Tom: Not even Jonathan "Man of La Mancha" Archer! Mike: Nope, we're here to salute the true star of the show, Starfleet's number one pup, Porthos! [They all turn to stare at the plucky pup's picture.] All: Awwww! Mike: How can you not love that dog? Crow: So, to honor our hero, Mike here has written a little song. Mike? [Mike nods, and begins to strum the guitar. Suddenly, the hexfield opens, revealing the mysterious humanoid figure.] Mike: Oh. Hey again. Figure: Mike Nelson! I must warn you! The very forces of Destiny are arrayed against you... [A brief burst of static blanks the screen for a moment.] Crow: Sir? You're breaking up on us. Figure: Sorry. I'm on my cell camera. I think it might be Going de... [More static.] Tom: I think we're losing you here. Figure: Blast I'll have to make this fast. Mike, you shall soon face an evil worse than any you... [The static returns and completely blanks the screen. After a moment, the hexfield closes. The crew turns Back to the camera.] Crow: Well, back to the puppy! Tom: Puppy! Start the song, Mike! [Once again, Mike nods and begins to strum the guitar.] Mike: o/~ Oh, who's the... [Suddenly, there's a clap of thunder, and a puff of brimstone fills the air. From the brimstone steps a red clad devil, played, as usual, by Paul Chapin.] Tom: Oh. Hi Pitch. [Pitch gestures grandly and begins to sing.] Pitch: o/~ Plaaay the best song in the world, or I'll eat your soul. o/~ [The bots stare at each other for a second, then turn back to Pitch.] Crow: No. Pitch: What? Tom: We said no. Pitch: But I'll eat your soul! Crow: We're robots. We don't have souls. Pitch: Sure you do! Tom: Nope, We've even got a clip. Cambot? [We cut to a C-SPAN-esque scene. Tom and Crow, both dressed in suits and ties (Crow also wears a pair of wire rim glasses) are seated at a table speaking into microphones.] Crow: We assure you, we had no idea that box full of kitties would burst into flames like that. Tom: And the steam rollers and the puppies? Pure coincidence. [The camera pans over to what appears to be a bishop, complete with mitre and staff.] Bishop: You souless imhuman fiends! Begone! [We cut back to the Bridge. Mike is looking quizzically at the bots.] Crow: See? Pitch: Fine. You're soulless. But I'll take your friend's soul! Tom: Can't do it. Crow: Yep. We've already sold Mike's soul. Tom: A few times now, in fact. Mike: What?!? Pitch: [sighing] I'm going to have to call legal on this one. [Pitch pulls out a cell phone, steps to the background and begins quietly talking.] Mike: You sold my soul?! Crow: Oh. Yeah. Tom: Didn't we tell you? Mike: When? Crow: Remember when we were short for the pizza last week? We sold your sold then. Mike: You sold my soul for an anchovy and pineapple pizza? Tom: That time, yeah. Crow: And the sea monkeys before that. Tom: Oh, and don't forget the football phone. Mike: You get those for free! Crow: But we didn't want the magazines. Tom: That'd be wasteful, Mike. [Pitch walks back into the scene.] Pitch: I talked to legal and they say I can't eat any of your souls. So, I've been instructed to extend the following offer. Ahem. o/~ Plaaay the best song in the world, or I'll eat your Hostess Snowballs. o/~ [The bots huddle together for a second, then turn back towards Pitch.] Tom: Take 'em. Crow: Coconut and chocolate? Ick. Mike: Those are mine! Pitch: Very well then. I'll just take these and you can go about your business. [He exits. The lights begin to flash.] Mike: Gee, thanks guys. I've lost my soul, my Snowballs and we're out of time for the song. Crow: Come on, Mike. You just bought them cause they were on sale. Tom: Say, do you think we could sell Mike's soul for some Snowballs? Mike: No more selling my soul! Oh, we'll discuss this in the theater, cause WE'VE GOT MOVIE SIGN!!!! [Mike hits the lights and the door sequence begins.] [6 . . . 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . .] Tom: So how about we order a Bowflex? Crow: Do you think we can afford it? Mike: Knock it off, you two. > >CUT TO: > >CLOSE ON A TACTICAL MONITOR (VPB) Crow: It's showing CNN. > >which shows a complex TRACKING PATTERN. We HEAR the "pings" of >various SENSORS . Tom: And a few "pongs" too. > >HOSHI (O.C.) >What are the symptoms of frostbite? > Crow: An extreme desire to take off your clothes and rub yourself down with oil or gel. >We're in - > >INT. BRIDGE > >T'Pol in the Captain's chair, Mayweather and crewmembers at their >stations. Reed and Hoshi sit together at tactical. > >REED >Your "appendages blister, peel, turn gangrenous... > >HOSHI >(staring at her right hand) >I think I have frostbite. Mike: Hmmm, looks like you're going to have to have a hot oil rub scene. > >REED >Let me see. > >She holds out her hand. > >REED >(tongue in cheek) >Doctor Phlox may have to amputate. > >HOSHI >(still eyeing her fingertips) >I never had to worry about frostbite in Brazil. Crow: We only had to worry about DeNiro showing up to do unauthorized plumbing repair. > >Suddenly, the "pings" take on a different sound. Mike: They've found U-571! > >MAYWEATHER >(off console) >They're getting too far ahead of us... > >T'POL >Match their speed. > >MAYWEATHER >I'm not authorized to go beyond four-four. Crow: Yeah, that six-eight time causes a spaceship to do crazy things. > >T'Pol taps a button. Tom: And some poor saps are sent a movie. Mike: Thanks, T'Pol Forrester. > >CHARLIE'S COM VOICE >Engineering. > >T'POL >(to com) >Mister Tucker, would you please give the helmsman permission to go to >warp four point five. > Crow: They'll be pulled over for speeding... Mike: That comes later, Crow. >CHARLIE'S COM VOICE >It's okay, Travis. I'll keep an eye on the engine. > >Mayweather works. As the "pinging" returns to normal... Tom: Adding that Penzoil to the warp core certainly helped. > > >EXT. SPACE- ENTERPRISE (OPTICAL) > >at warp. Crow: Wheeeee!!!! > >ARCHER (V.O.) >Enterprise Starlog, Captain Jonathan Archer. Date: xxxx.x... Mike: o/~ I was strolling through the park one day, in the very merry month of xxxxxx. > > >INT. ARCHER'S QUARTERS (OPTICAL) > >Archer is sitting in a chair with his injured leg up on a pillow. He's >wearing a dark tee-shirt and pair of pants. Crow: Archer's ready to go hit the clubs in his stylish casual ensemble! > WARP STARS streak by >outside the window. > Tom: Archer then looked at his goldfish bowl that was fused into the wall. >ARCHER >(continuing, to com) No, no, delete that. >(thinks) >Begin recording... >(computer beeps) >Captain's Starlog, Date xxxxx.x. >(beat) Tom: [Archer] I've got a calendar around here somewhere... >We've been tracking the Suliban's ship for ten hours, thanks to our... >Science Officer, who came up with a way to tweak the sensors. Crow: Plus she installed some really kickin' quad speakers too! >(beat) >Computer, pause. > > > >The computer beeps. Archer glances at someone off-camera. Mike: [Archer] Berman? Can you please kill the sound FX? > >ARCHER {venting) >I save her life, and now she's helping us with the mission. "One good >turn deserves another" ... doesn't sound very Vulcan. >The off-camera person is silent. Mike: [Archer] Look, are you going to join in this conversation or not? > >ARCHER >(to com) >Resume log. >(computer beeps) >I have no reason to believe Klaang is still alive... >but if the Suliban woman was telling the truth, it's crucial that we >try to find him. >(beat) >Computer, pause. > >Archer stands, thoughtful, tries out his foot, which seems to be fine, >moves across the room. > >ARCHER >{to off-camera person) >Have you ever known a Vulcan to return a favor? Mike: Have you ever done a favor for a Vulcan? > >The CAMERA PANS to reveal that Archer is talking to his dog, Porthos. > All: [awed] Puppy! Awwwwwwww! >ARCHER >(after a beat) >No, neither have I. Crow: [Porthos] What are you talking about? She feeds me cheddar every afternoon! Oops! >(to com) >Resume log. >(computers beeps) >I still haven't decided whether to ask Sub-Commander T'Pol about this >"Temporal Cold War." My instincts tell me not to trust her. Crow: Can't he have Sarin get in close and kiss T'Pol to see if she's trustworthy? Mike: You'd like that, wouldn't you? > >A beat, then Archer senses something. He glances out the window to see >the ship is dropping OUT OF WARP. > Tom: They must be stopping off at Stuckey's for some Pralines. >ARCHER >Computer, pause. >(a beep, then to com) >Archer to T'Pol. Report. > >T'POL'S COM VOICE >If you're feeling well enough to come to the Bridge, Captain, now >would be a good time. Mike: [T'Pol] Otherwise, I'm sure the rampaging alien hordes will wait for you. > >CUT TO: > >INT. BRIDGE (OPTICAL) > >T'Pol in the Captain's chair, others at their stations. Everyone is >looking at the VIEWSCREEN, which shows a distant ORANGE PLANET. Crow: The planet Cheeto! > As >Archer ENTERS from the Turbolift, T'Pol rises. > >T'POL >It's a gas giant. > Tom: We'll need a giant container of Beano. >ARCHER >(nodding) >>From the looks of it, a Class Six or Seven. Mike: Make that two containers of Beano. > >T'POL >Class Seven. >(beat) Tom: [T'Pol] Uhhh, section A! In room 100! >The Suliban vessel dropped to impulse a few hours ago and >altered course. Their new heading took them through its outer- >radiation belt. > >ARCHER >(realizing what this means) >We've lost them? > >T'Pol reluctantly nods. > >ARCHER >(to Mayweather) >Move us in closer. > >Mayweather works. Archer paces as the orange planet grows LARGER. Tom: It just needs to exercise more. > >ARCHER >(to Reed) >Anything? > >REED >(working) >The radiation's dissipated their warp trail. I'm only picking up >fragments. Mike: [Archer] Grammar thieves! Everyone stay sharp! > >Archer turns to T'Pol. > >ARCHER >You finished helping us? Crow: [T'Pol] Yeah, I'm done. Boy, this 'helping you humans out' bit is really trying my emotional suppression skills! > >T'Pol walks to Reed's station and hits a control. The Viewscreen shows >a new GRAPHIC of the GAS GIANT --above it we can see a FRAGMENTED ION >TRAIL, like a contrail that's been broken up by winds. Tom: It looks like the Vulcans are trying to give everyone in the galaxy the flu. >T'POL >(eyes graphic, Mike: And now, our consumer reporter T'Pol talks about Lasik. > to Reed) >Run a spectral analysis of the fragments. Tom: [Reed] Gasp! They're all blue! > >Reed hits a series of controls. On the graphic, a sequence of NUMBERS >appears by each fragment; the sequences are all different. Crow: It looks like they're leaking sevens and nines. That can't be good. > >REED >(re: graphic, discouraged) There's too much distortion... the decay >rates don't even match. > > >T'Pol reacts to this, realizing something... she steps toward the >Viewscreen. > Mike: [T'Pol] Hey! Who put the photos from my Maxim shoot on the viewscreen?! >T'POL >(to Reed, re; graphic) >Calculate the trajectory of each >fragment. Tom: Then do my taxes. >Reep looks a bit confused, looks to the Captain. Archer, catching on, >steps forward next to T'Pol. > >ARCHER >(to Reed) >You heard her. > >Reed works --he doesn't have a clue what they're looking for. Mike: Neither do the writers. Crow: Well, they're just writing until they stumble onto something resembling a plot. > Archer >and T'Pol exchange a look: despite their mistrust of each other, >they're both thinking alike for the first time. Tom: Again, I say, is this foreshadowing? Crow: Again, I say, it better not. > The Viewscreen graphic >now displays TELEMETRY for each of the fragments. Archer nods to >T'Pol, who moves to a nearby station and starts working. Crow: Working. Playing Free Cell. Same thing. > Over this: > >ARCHER >(to Crewman) >Recalibrate the sensor array -- narrow-band, short-to-mid-range. > Tom: This allows the Enterprise to become a pirate radio station. >CREWMAN >Aye. > >T'POL >(to Mayweather) >Measure the particle density of the thermosphere. Mike: Sensors show those particles are pretty stupid, sir. > >ARCHER >(to all, re: graphic} >Those "fragments" weren't from one Suliban ship... > >T'POL >(off console) >...they were from fourteen... and all within the last six hours. I >believe we've found what we're looking for. Mike: Or they've found a Suliban RV park. > >Archer takes a beat, then makes a difficult decision: Tom: Tell them I won't be in the Murphy Brown reunion. > >ARCHER (to Reed) >How are your targeting scanners? > >REED >Aligned and ready, sir. > >ARCHER >(nods) >Bring the weapons on-line... and polarize the hull plating. Crow: I'll ask the hull plating how it feels about late term abortions. That should do the trick. > > >Reactions all around. No one expected an armed conflict during during >this journey. As they brace themselves... > Tom: Nothing happens! Ha! We surprised you, audience! >ARCHER >(to Mayweather) >Lay in a sixty degree vector. We're going in. > >INT. SULIBAN HELIX -TEMPORAL CHAMBER (OPTICAL) > >As seen earlier. Dimly-lit, cylindrical, bisected by a barrier of >energy. Silik is reporting to the murky Humanoid Figure. Mike: Richard Nixon? > As they speak, >their words and images PRE-ECHO in the strange, time-shifting effect: Crow: What do you know? A group of time-travelling... er... people. > >HUMANOID FIGURE >Did Sarin give them anything? Tom: Sarin gas, maybe? > >SILIK >I don't know. > >HUMANOID FIGURE >What do you know? > >SILIK >They followed us here. Mike: [Silik] Can we keep 'em? Huh, huh, can we? > >HUMANOID FIGURE >Looking for Klaang, or for you? Crow: [Silik] I believe they are looking for love in all the wrong places, sir. > >SILIK >I don't know... but I'll destroy them before they locate the Helix. > >HUMANOID FIGURE >We didn't plan to involve the humans or the Vulcans... not yet . >(an order) >Sarin's message cannot reach Kronos. If the humans have it, you must >stop them. > >As Silik takes this in... Crow: A group of... no wait, there's already ONE in this episode! > >CUT TO: > >EXT. GAS GIANT -UPPER-ATMOSPHERE (OPTICAL) > >ENTERPRISE is moving slowly through the orange gas, its running lights >cutting through the dense layer. Mike: For at least six feet. Running lights. Geez. > >INT. ENTERPRISE -BRIDGE (OPTICAL) >Archer in command, others at their stations. The Viewscreen shows the >gaseous layer rushing past. Everyone's tense: Tom: They've been drinking coffee non-stop for the last six hours. And Hoshi is still waiting for the bank to call back with news on her mortgage... > >HOSHI >Sensor resolution's falling off at about twelve kilometers... > >ARCHER >(concerned) >Travis? > >MAYWEATHER >(intensely working helm) >I'm okay, Captain... Tom: [Travis] I'm still in this series! I think! Can I have another line? Mike: [Archer] No. Tom: [Travis] Awwww... > >T'Pol is busy at her console. > Tom: [T'Pol] These falling blocks... fascinating! >T'POL >Our situation should improve. We're about to break through the >cyclohexane layer. Crow: But they we enter the davemustaine layer, and that can't be good. > >All eyes on the Viewscreen as the orange layer of gas gives way to an >even DENSER LAYER of ROILING BLUE LIQUID. Mike: They've hit the Liquid Plumbr layer! > The ship instantly begins to >TREMBLE violently. Crow: Oh no! The agitator's started! > >ARCHER >(holding on) >I wouldn't exactly call this an improvement. Tom: Great way to lead your crew, Archer. Crow: When all else fails, at least make a wry comment! > >T'Pol, calm and fascinated, activates a small viewer at her station >and peers into its eyepiece. Tom: When the ship's in danger, T'Pol retreats into the wonder of viewmaster! > >T'POL >Liquid phosphorous. I wouldn't have expected that beneath a layer of >cyclohexane. Mike: Cyclohexane. Isn't that chocolate syrup? > >The ship continues to buffet. Hoshi's doing her best to cover her >white-knuckle anxiety. Mike: Although everyone is wondering why she's putting on gloves. > >HOSHI >(to Archer) >You might think about recommending seat belts when we get home. Mike: Unsafe At Any Warp Speed. > >ARCHER >It's just a little bad weather. Crow: Let's just head over to the weather desk and check the super doppler. >A few more seconds of intense shaking... and then: PERFECT CALM as >Enterprise descends into a CLEAR LAYER. On the Viewscreen, we see >roiling gasses above. Beep-beep-beep! Crow: Er, yeah. Mike: Wow. How did Beeper get a gig on the show? Tom: He always had a better agent than we did. > >HOSHI >We've got sensors! Crow: [Hoshi] And a warp drive! Ooh, and a console with flashing lights! > >ARCHER >(to Mayweather) >Leveloff. Mike: [Leveloff] Yes, sir? >(to Hoshi) Mike: [Leveloff] Damn. Thought I was on the show for a sec. Tom: [Mayweather] Get in line. >Go to long-range scans. > >T'POL >I'm detecting two vessels... bearing one-one-nine mark seven. Tom: [T'Pol] It's the Yorktown and Hornet, sir. We're to intercept the Japanese task force. > >ARCHER (to Hoshi) >Put it up. > >Hoshi works, and the Viewscreen changes to show TWO SULIBAN CELL SHIPS >moving away in the distance. The unique vessels are quite small, about >twice the size of one of our shuttlepods. > >REED >(working fast) >Impulse and warp engines. > >ARCHER >What kind of weapons? > Crow: [Reed] It looks like a broken beer bottle, a mortar and some lances. >REED >We're too far away. > >MAYWEATHER >(off console) >Sir, I'm picking up something at three-forty-two mark twelve... it's a >lot bigger. > Tom: Is it the planet, maybe? >Hoshi works the Viewscreen, which now shows the SULIBAN HELIX. Crow: That sounds like a trendy Afghani dance club. > >ARCHER >(quickly, to T'Pol) >All sensors --get whatever you can! Mike: We can sell this to Fortean Times for big bucks! > >T'Pol works, rapidly gathering data on the Helix. > >ARCHER >Go tighter. Crow: [T'Pol] If it was any tighter, sir, I couldn't breathe. > >Hoshi taps a control, and we get a CLOSER VIEW of the HELIX. It's >comprised of hundreds Mike: Of amino acids. > of smaller, modular Suliban ships which are >interlocked to form a massive, spiral-shaped space station. Tom: Which oddly enough, replicates Tony Randall's DNA exactly. > A few >individual CELL SHIPS are seen engaging and disengaging from the >Helix. > Crow: Yes, we're glad that one of the writers remembers their high school biology. Get back to the plot! >ARCHER >(to Hoshi) >Bio-signs? Tom: [Archer] Get it? 'Cause it's a HELIX and those are CELLS and... > >HOSHI >Over three thousand... but I can't isolate a Klingon, if there is one. > >A sudden JOLT! Crow: Surge! > > >REED >That was a particle weapon, sir. Mike: Don't those usually go PLONG? > >BOOM! We're HIT again! Tom: Whomp. There it is. > >INT. MAIN ENGINEERING > >Mid-emergency, trembling. A couple of conduits are spewing GAS. Crow: Helium gas! Watch the zaniness commence! >Charlie has his hands wrapped around a pressure VALVE that's >HISSING ominously. > Tom: Charlie, that's the cappuccino machine. >CHARLIE (to com) >Bridge, we're taking damage down here! What's going on? > Mike: [Charlie] Our warranty didn't run out, did it? >ARCHER'S COM VOICE >Just a little trouble with the bad guys. > >INT. BRIDGE > > >T'POL >(calmly) >I suggest we return to the phosphorous layer. > Crow: Sure! The stream of liquid fire will be the safest place for us! >Another HIT! Mike: Don't Steal My Sunshine? >ARCHER >(to Mayweather) >Take us up. > > >EXT. GAS GIANT -CLEAR LAYER (OPTICAL) > >ENTERPRISE rapidly ASCENDS into the roiling LIQUID-BLUE LAYER above, >vanishing from view. The approaching Suliban CELL SHIP breaks off its >pursuit, and heads back toward the distant HELIX. > >INT. BRIDGE (OPTICAL) > >Trembling. Archer's crossing to T'Pol, who is now working a monitor >near Hoshi. Mike: Hoshi was already clinging onto her blanket and sobbing. Crow: She was actually grabbing onto T'Pol's... Mike: No. > >ARCHER >What've you got? Tom: [T'Pol] Our monitors seem to be able to broadcast only Sugar Ray videos. Curious. > >The monitor displays an IMAGE of the Suliban HELIX from directlyabove. >T'Pol taps the controls, and the image SHIFTS so we can see it from >the side. All: Gasp! Mike: It looks like... a helix on its side! > >T'POL >(off monitor) >It appears to be an aggregate structure... comprised of hundreds of >vessels. They're held in place by an interlocking system of magnetic >seals. > Tom: And peer pressure. >Hoshi's been busy working, as well. On the monitor, a column of bio- >data appears next to a small section of the Helix. > >HOSHI >There, right there! (re: monitor) >These bio-readings are not Suliban. Crow: They're Melmacians! > >T'POL (eyes them) >We can't be certain they're Klingon. > > >Hoshi shoots her an irritated look. Tom: [Hoshi] You're not helping, meaniehead! > >ARCHER >Even if it ~ Klaang, we'd have a tough time getting him off >of there... Mike: If only Ferris Bueller was there... > >REED >We could always try the transporting device... Crow: And make this plot too easy? No way! > >ARCHER >No. We've risked too much to bring him back inside-out. [Silence] Mike: Wait a minute. Was that a callback to...? Crow: Wow. Maybe they'll be giving a shout out to "Pigs in Space" next. >(an idea, to Reed) >Would the grappler work in a liquid atmosphere? > Tom: Sure, if you want the ship to explode! >REED >I believe so... > >ARCHER >Bring it on-line. >(heading to his chair, determined} >One more time, Mister Mayweather > >OFF Archer's intent -- he's got a plan... > >CUT TO: > >EXT. GAS GIANT -CLEAR LAYER (OPTICAL) > >THREE CELL SHIPS are patrolling just beneath the LIQUID SURFACE. >Suddenly, ENTERPRISE BURSTS into the CLEAR! Mike: It's to the thirty! The twenty! > On the hull, two hatches >open and a pair of LAUNCH TURRETS emerge, swiveling toward their >target. They fire futuristic TORPEDOES, rapid blasts of energy that >resemble luminous artillery shells. Crow: So they're firing shells then? > Their weapons STREAK toward -- > >THE CELL SHIPS (OPTICAL) > >But our weapons miss their targets. The cell ships return FIRE! > >INT. BRIDGE > >A JOLT as we're HIT! Tom: Hey, wait a minute. When did "they" become "we"? Crow: Maybe the Suliban are after us too. Mike: My fault. I accidentally elected Carrot Top as the winner of "Suliban Idol". > >REED >The ventral plating's down! Tom: All sorts of neat stuff is spilling out into the void of space! >(works, frustrated) >I'm having trouble getting a weapons lock... these scanners weren't >designed for a liquid atmosphere. > >Another HIT! Crow: You sunk my Star Trek series! > >REED >(wry) >Evidently, theirs were. > >WHAM! A hard SHAKE causes a console to SPARK near Hoshi, who leaps >back, startled. > Mike: Here she comes, mooring fashion cow now. >ARCHER >(to Mayweather) Hold your position... > >REED >The lead ship's closing... seven thousand meters... six thousand... Crow: This would be a great place to play that old Star Trek fight theme. > >WHAM! The hardest HIT yet! Mike: Enemim's Without Me? >T'POL >We should ascend! >ARCHER >Hold your position! >REED >One thousand meters... > >Another JOLT! Tom: And a SoBe too! >REED >Forward plating's off-line! >ARCHER >Now, Mister Reed! >EXT. GAS GIANT -CLEAR LAYER (OPTICAL) >A CELL SHIP is closing on ENTERPRISE when suddenly -- >A DOCKING ARM (OPTICAL) >is lowering from the Launch Bay on the bottom of >Enterprise. Two GRAPPLING DEVICES shoot out of ports on the arm, >trailing THIN CABLES! Tom: [Archer] I got this idea from Batman! >THE CELL SHIP (OPTICAL) >is HIT by the two "grapplers", which magnetically LATCH onto its hull! >CLOSER ANGLE -CELL SHIP COCKPIT (OPTICAL) >The cockpit hatch springs open and a SULIBAN PILOT >EJECTS from the ship in a blast of vapor! As the pilot TUMBLES through >the clear layer below... Mike: Well, that takes care of *one* of the three ships. Tom: I guess the other two will just cause the episode to end early. >ENTERPRISE (OPTICAL) >swiftly ascends into the roiling layer above, REELING IN the cell ship >like a spider with its prey! Crow: Now all we need is Kirsten Davis in the rain. >INT. ENTERPRISE -BRIDGE >Mild trembling begins as we re-enter the turbulent layer. Reed eyes >his station. >REED >(a little cocky) >Hello! >(turns to Archer) >Their ship's in the Launch Bay. > >Archer nods to him -- good work. Crow: The script gives him a cookie. > OFF Reed, pleased. > >CUT TO: > >INT. BRIDGE- SITUATION ROOM (VPB) >A tactical center off the Main Bridge, filled with various read-outs >and a large TABLE GRAPHIC. Mike: It's a Victorian style table, walnut with a cherry inlay. > Archer, Charlie and Mayweather are huddled >around the table, which shows numerous graphics of the CELL SHIP -- >different angles of the exterior, engine schematics, flight controls, >etc. Mild trembling. Crow: Ah, so this is the new "ready room" of the show? > >MAYWEATHER (points to graphic) >All right, what's this? Tom: [Archer] It's a graphic, Travis. Sheesh. > >CHARLIE >(smiles with confidence) >The pitch control. > >MAYWEATHER >(pointing to another spot) >No, that's the pitch control. This is the guidance system. > >CHARLIE >Pitch control... guidance system. ..got it. > >MAYWEATHER >(to Archer) >The docking interface. >How do you deploy it? > Tom: [Archer] Using the eject button? >ARCHER >(using graphic) >Release the inertial clamps here, here, and here... then initialize >the coaxial ports. Mike: [Archer] Then open the thing-a-ma-ma-bob-ie... >MAYWEATHER >Good. >(to Charlie) >Where's the auxiliary throttle? > >Charlie hesitates. Crow: [Charlie] Oh who am I kidding? I flunked flight training! Don't hurt me! > >CHARLIE >(points) >Hmm. It's not this one... > >MAYWEATHER >(to Archer) >With all due respect to Commander Tucker... I'm pretty sure I could >fly this thing, sir. > >ARCHER >I don't doubt it, but I need you here... Tom: [Archer] I need the one for comedic purposes. > >CHARLIE >(points) >There... that's it... the auxiliary throttle. > >The scene is interrupted by a low-frequency booom... which grows >louder and then WHAM! The ship is JOLTED! Crow: Oh yeah. The hundreds of other ships. I forgot about them. > >T'POL (O.C.) >Captain. > >They turn to see -- > Tom: Samantha Mumba? >NEW ANGLE -INCLUDING THE MAIN BRIDGE (OPTICAL) > >T'Pol is at her station, looking to Archer with concern. > >T'POL >That charge contained a proximity sweep. If we remain here, they're >going to locate us. > Mike: [T'Pol] Then again, if we move they might find us too. Crow: [Archer] Suggestions? Mike: [T'Pol] I suggest we just whimper and curl up into a ball. Crow: [Archer] Let's do it. >Archer nods, turns to Mayweather. > >ARCHER >You're gonna have to speed this up a little, Travis. > >CHARLIE >How complicated can it be? Up, down, forward, reverse... Tom: Overload warp core, extinguish all life... > we'll figure >it out. > >Archer's look tells us he doesn't share Charlie's confidence... Tom: Then why bring him on the mission? Crow: He needs someone to talk about zipping and fastening pants along the trip. > >EXT. GAS GIANT -CLEAR LAYER (OPTICAL) > >Two larger Suliban CELL SHIPS are cruising side by side directly below >the blue phosphorous layer. After a beat, they each release inverted >DEPTH CHARGES, which slowly rise into the clouds above. > Crow: So, they're lack of depth charges? Mike: Shallow charges? Tom: Guys, just shoot at them! >EXT. GAS GIANT -PHOSPHOROUS LAYER (OPTICAL) > >ENTERPRISE can barely be seen through the murk. The two DEPTH CHARGES >rise into frame in the foreground... and DETONATE. > >INT. READY ROOM > >Two low-frequency booms are heard, followed by two JOLTS more quickly >than before. Over this, Archer is giving T'Pol final instructions. >There's a sense of urgency: > >ARCHER >We'll be back before you know it. Have Mayweather plot a course for >Kronos. > Mike: Of course, that'll be a really long trip for the folks sent to the Suliban thing. >T'POL >There's a Vulcan ship less than two days away. It's illogical to >attempt this alone. > >ARCHER >I was beginning to think you understood why we have to do this alone. Crow: Humans are foolish and stupid in this show, so a modern audience can better related to them. > >T'POL >You'll have other opportunities to demonstrate your... independence. Crow: [T'Pol] Like a new constitution! Or an all-out war... no, scratch that idea. >ARCHER >Never put off 'til tomorrow... > >T'POL >You both could be killed. > Tom: [T'Pol] Therefore, I'm all for it. >ARCHER >Am I sensing concern? Last time I checked, that was considered an >emotion. Tom: [T'Pol] Oh, shut your pie-hole and just GO. Sheesh... stupid flamboyant humans. > >T'POL >(covering) >If anything happens to either of you, the Vulcan High Command will >hold me responsible. Mike: [T'Pol] I'll lose my security deposit. > >Archer smiles. The door CHIMES. > >ARCHER >Come in. > >Reed ENTERS, carrying two silver equipment cases. > Crow: Well, kegs really. > >ARCHER >(to Reed) >You're finished? > >As Reed sets the cases on the desk, and flips the lid on one of them >to reveal a RECTANGULAR DEVICE. Tom: Oooh! They've mastered polygons! > >REED >(re: device) >It should reverse the polarity of any maglock within a hundred meters. >(indicating the controls) >Once you've set the sequence, you'll have five seconds. Mike: So, you'll have to sprint 100 m in 5 seconds to get to the door, beating the current world record by 3 and a half seconds. Good luck! > >Archer nods, studying it. > >REED >One more thing. > >He flips open the other equipment case, and pulls out two Starfleet >HAND PHASERS with pistol-grips. He gives them to Archer. > >ARCHER >Ah. Our new weapons. > Crow: They don't make any cool noises, but what the hey. They're phasers! >REED >They're called phase-pistols. They have two settings: stun and kill. >It would be best not to confuse them. Mike: Remember they're labeled S for slay and K for knockout. > >Another low boom... then a startling JOLT! > Tom: Attack of the third-party colas! >ARCHER >(to T'Pol) >The ship is yours. Mike: [T'Pol] Woo-hoo! We're off to Risa, boys! > >He turns for the door. > >CUT TO: > >EXT. GAS GIANT -PHOSPHOROUS LAYER (OPTICAL) > >ENTERPRISE moving slowly through the blue gas. The Suliban CELL SHIP >LAUNCHES from the Shuttlebay and heads downward. Mike: Down, down, down... > >INT. SULIBAN CELL SHIP (OPTICAL) > >Cramped, trembling. Archer and Charlie are sharing the single cockpit >bench; surrounded by alien technology. Their visibility through the >blue gas is non-existent. > Crow: Good thing they're IFR rated. >A light on a side panel begins to blink, and an ALARM is heard. > Tom: Fries are up. >ARCHER >What's that? > >CHARLIE >Travis said not to worry about that panel. > Mike: [Archer] This panel says we're out of oxygen. Crow: [Charlie] Travis said not to worry about that either. >ARCHER >That's reassuring. > >The ship is buffeted by a sudden pocket of turbulence, and the two men >are knocked together. Tom: Accidentally? No, I think they were just waiting for this opportunity... Mike: Tom, it's the first episode. Can you please wait a season or two before starting the slash ideas? > Charlie, holding an alien steering mechanism >with both hands, overcompensates, and the ship weaves for a moment >before it stabilizes. Archer looks a bit queasy. > >ARCHER >They sure didn't build these things for comfort. Crow: [Archer] And this paint job? Blech! All wrong! > >CHARLIE >Wait 'til we get the Klingon in here with us. >(off panel) >If I'm reading this right, we should be about twenty kilometers from >Enterprise. > Mike: Breathtaking speeds of up to 50 miles per hour! >ARCHER >Drop the pitch thirty degrees. > >CUT TO: > >INT. BRIDGE > >We hear the low-frequency boom of a depth charge... Tom: Yep, those depth charges have really kickin' bass. Crow: I swear. Das boot had less submarine action. > >REED >(to all) >Hold on. > >Everyone braces as the ship JOLTS. > Mike: Or did they jolt as the ship BRACES? > >MAYWEATHER >That one was a lot closer... > >REED >If we change our position, they'll have to start from scratch. > >T'POL >If we change our position, the Captain will have no way of finding us. Tom: Maybe they could leave a forwarding address at their last position. > >OFF the tension... > >INT. SULIBAN CELL SHIP (OPTICAL) > >Trembling, as before... > >CHARLIE >I think we're there. > >ARCHER >Bring the docking interface on-line. Mike: Just double click that icon... > >Charlie goes to press a button, thinks better of it, then presses >another one. The interface HUMS to life. > >ARCHER >Coaxial ports. > >Charlie hits another control. We hear a brief HISSING sound. > Crow: And Charlie's transported 100 King cobras aboard. Good job! >CHARLIE >Open. > >Archer takes a deep breath. > >ARCHER >Let's go. > >Charlie takes the steering mechanism in both hands, and gently begins >to ease the ship downward. Mike: And the shuttle stalls as Charlie popped the clutch. > Through the windows, we see the blue >phosphorous clouds begin to thin out... and we abruptly BREAK THROUGH >into CLEAR SPACE. The trembling stops. > >CHARLIE >(looking around, confused) >Where is it? It was right here. > >Archer studies an alien graphic. > Tom: No, that's an old Simpsons sketch from the Tracy Ulman Show. >ARCHER >Bank starboard, ninety degrees. > >Charlie moves the steering controller, and the ship BANKS SHARPLY, >dizzily revealing the huge SULIBAN HELIX directly below them. > >CHARLIE >(jazzed) >There you are! > >ARCHER >(indicating) >That's the upper-support radius. Drop down right below it.. .and start >a counter-clockwise sweep. Mike: Then go clockwise 48 degrees, then counter-clockwise 59 degrees... > >Archer removes a hand-held scanner from his belt and starts working >it. Mike: Twirling around the pole, beckoning to the crowd... > >EXT. GAS GIANT -CLEAR LAYER (OPTICAL) > >The tiny CELL SHIP descends down past the numerous levels of the >HELIX. >Other CELL SHIPS, mostly larger, engage and disengage from the huge >structure. > >INT. SULIBAN CELL SHIP (OPTICAL) > >Charlie slows their descent, and begins maneuvering the ship >horizontally, the hull of the HELIX moving past the windows. > >ARCHER >{still working his scanner) >A little more... more... Crow: Almost there . . . > > >Scrr-r-aape! The ship abruptly BUMPS into the Helix and both men are >again thrown together. Archer shoots Charlie a look, recalling their >moment on the inspection pod. > Mike: [Archer] Remind me never to let you drive again. Crow: [Charlie] I'm an excellent driver. Time for Wapner. >ARCHER (off scanner) >Right here. > >The ship STOPS. Mike: Newton's third law: Inertia only works when it's convenient. > Through the window, we see a circular AIRLOCK >protruding from the Helix. They exchange a look, then Archer nods. Mike: [Archer] I'm driving this baby in. Crow: [Charlie] I SAID I'm sorry! >Both men begin to carefully manipulate the alien controls, as the ship >edges SIDEWAYS toward the airlock. > >CHA-CHUNK! The ship jolts slightly and we hear a series of whirring >mechanical sounds as the docking ports lock into place. > Tom: Or as the Suliban's giant can opener prepares to filet our heroes. >A beat, then the HATCH OPENS to reveal a darkly-lit CORRIDOR. As both >men react... Crow: Out pops a quartet of humans and a large dog! Mike: [Fred] It's Captain Archer and Charlie! Jeepers! Tom: [Velma] Are you investigating the haunted space station too? Crow: [Archer] Oh boy. > >CUT TO: > >INT. SULIBAN HELIX -CORRIDOR > >Archer and Charlie on the move, phase-pistols drawn. Charlie carries >the silver equipment case; Archer eyes his scanner. They round a >corner... > >ANGLE -A SULIBAN (OPTICAL) > >is caught by surprise. He draws his sidearm, but Archer FIRES first >and the Suliban is knocked to the ground, unconscious. Crow: If this was the Death Star, Archer and Charlie wouldn't be able to hide underneath the seat. > >ARCHER >(re: weapon) >Stun seems to work. Crow: [Archer] Now let's try kill! Stand still a second, Charlie. > >They keep moving. > >CUT TO: > >EXT. GAS GIANT -CLEAR LAYER (OPTICAL) > >As two CELL SHIPS fly by camera, they each release an inverted DEPTH >CHARGE into the clouds above. > Mike: Birds finally get a taste of their own medicine. >INT. BRIDGE > >Everyone's tense, waiting for Archer's return. Hoshi presses a small, >hand-held EARPIECE to her left ear. Tom: [Hoshi] Hey, I'm getting a call for a Mr. Drake. Is he here? > >T'POL >(to Hoshi) >Anything? > >HOSHI >(listening, shakes her head} >The phosphorous is distorting all the EM bands... Crow: And the penguins are eating the laundry too. > >Suddenly, something causes Hoshi to jerk the earpiece away. > Tom: [Hoshi] Stupid fax machine... >HOSHI >(to all) >Grab on to something -- > >Two rapid booms are followed almost instantly by two powerful JOLTS! >Bulkheads BLOWOUT and consoles GO DOWN. DEBRIS and streams of spewing >GAS envelop the Bridge. A beat as everyone recovers. Mike: And in the first blowout on the show, no random crewmember dies. Tom: Hrmph. And they call this Star Trek. > >Reed, Mayweather, Hoshi and two crewmembers start working their >stations... the spewing gas subsides and consoles flicker back to >life. > >REED >This is ridiculous! If we don't move the ship, Captain Archer won't >have anything to look for when he gets back. Crow: [Reed] Well, he might look for love, but that can be found anywhere. > >T'Pol hesitates, realizing he's right. > >T'POL >(to Hoshi) >We're going to need that ear of yours. Crow: [Hoshi] Hey! You've got two! Use one of them! > >Hoshi presses the device to her ear. > >T'POL >(to Mayweather) >Move us away, five kilometers. > Mike: [T'Pol] Then start looking for an apartment. Ooh! With cable! >MAYWEATHER >In what direction? > >T'POL >Any direction. > Crow: Go over there! Where Vern in standing! >CUT TO: > >INT. SULIBAN HELIX -INTERROGATION ROOM > >Klaang is alone, Tom: As he's alienated everyone in his life. > restrained in the elaborate chair seen earlier; tubes >and devices are still connected to his body. Crow: Klaang Lector. > He's semi-conscious. Mike: And semi-sweet! He's Klaang, the chocolate Klingon! >Steely blue light from the phosphorous layer above pours in through a >window. > >THE DOOR Tom: THE DOOR! Bum-bum-BUM! > >slides open. Archer and Charlie rush in, pistols drawn. Mike: They fight crime! > They both seem >surprised and relieved that there's no one here but Klaang. > Crow: The audience who wanted a cool John Woo-esque fight scene are disappointed as well. >Archer stands guard at the door, while Charlie moves to the chair and >begins to unstrap Klaang. The Klingon stares at him. Tom: [Klaang] You've got something on your chin there... > >CHARLIE >(to Archer, low) >This is gonna be easier than I thought. Crow: Yeah, you think the Suliban would have killed Klaang. We didn't even get the "We need him alive" speech. >(to Klaang) >It's okay. We're getting you off this thing. > >As Charlie releases the third and final restraint, Klaang swings his >arm up and KNOCKS Charlie across the room! > Tom: Something which I'm sure every other member of the cast wanted to do... >Klaang gets to his feet, savagely pulling the tubes and wires from his >body. Archer locks his stance and takes aim at Klaang with both hands. Mike: Jonathan Archer *is* Angie Dickinson *in* Police Woman! > >ARCHER (to Klaang} >I really don't want to have to carry you out of here. > >Klaang eyes Archer, hesitant. Crow: To be carried by a meek little human is considered great dishonor. > >ARCHER >(to Charlie) >I think he gets the idea. Give him a hand. > >Charlie pauses, not too anxious to get close to the Klingon again, but >steels himself and helps Klaang follow Archer out the door... > >INT. SULIBAN HELIX -CORRIDOR (OPTICAL) > >Archer, pistol at-the-ready, is leading the way. Charlie follows, >bearing part of the weight of the enormous Klingon, who again begins >to bellow. Mike: [Klaang] K'Stella! > >KLAANG >Qu'taw bob > Crow: I think he wants a quarter from Bob. >ARCHER >Be quiet. > >KLAANG >Muh tok! > Tom: [Archer] No, I don't know when Spy Kids 3 is coming out, okay? >They keep moving... until a Suliban weapons BLAST tears away a large >chunk of the wall! The three men DIVE for cover! Crow: Then the apartment building nearby EXPLODES in a fiery BLAST! > >KLAANG >(screaming obscenities at the Suliban) >Dajvo tag:h! Borat! Mike: That must mean I'm dis-gust-ing? > >CHARLIE >You tell him, big guy. > >ARCHER (to Charlie) >Give me the box. Crow: The newly reduced in price X-Box? > >Charlie takes the silver case off his shoulder and hands it to him. >Just then, a SULIBAN ATTACKER rushes into view from an adjoining >corridor, catching them by surprise! As the Suliban takes aim at >Archer and Charlie. Tom: We just kind of let that thought trail off... > >WHAM! Klaang STRIKES the creature with Klingon force, knocking him >into a bulkhead! He grabs the Suliban and POUNDS him with a couple of >powerful blows, knocking him unconscious! A beat, then he turns to >Archer and Charlie with a triumphant smile. Mike: Almost as if to say, "Guess who's next"? > >CHARLIE >Thanks. >Another Suliban weapons BLAST whizzes by! > Mike: [Archer] Trip, do you mind not blurting out the director's lines? >ARCHER >Get to the ship. I'll be right behind you. > > >As Charlie and Klaang take off down an adjoining corridor, Archer >opens the case and removes the RECTANGULAR DEVICE seen before. Crow: Bow before the power of the Walkman! > He >activates it and attaches it to the wall. He works a series of >controls, and goes to his knees, covering his head. We hear a low- >pitched whine... and then the device emits a BLINDING ENERGY PULSE >that RADIATES in all directions! > Tom: A sun lamp! Run! >As the light recedes, Archer gets to his feet. The corridor begins to >TREMBLE, and we hear the sounds of docking ports UNLOCKING. He looks >down to see -- > >THE FLOOR (OPTICAL) > >is SEPARATING before him! Mike: I guess timers haven't been invented yet. > >THE ENTIRE CORRIDOR (OPTICAL) > >SPLITS APART! FORCEFIELDS flash on as the interlocking elements making >up this section of the Helix lose their cohesion. Crow: In other words, split apart. > >ARCHER (OPTICAL) > >realizes he's been cut off from Charlie and Klaang. A Suliban weapons >BLAST strikes nearby. He has no choice but to turn and run. > Tom: Hrmph. A real captain would have stood there and gotten shot. >EXT. GAS GIANT -CLEAR LAYER (OPTICAL) > >The entire UPPER-SECTION of the HELIX is DISMANTLING. Mike: Whoopsie. Crow: Archer must be related to you, Mike. Mike: Ha, ha. > Some sections >are huge, comprised of dozens of CELL SHIPS still connected to one >another. Other sections are made of only one or two ships. Tom: Some are big and some are small. Big surprise. > The myriad >sections tumble slowly away from the core. > >INT. SULIBAN CELL SHIP > >Trembling. Charlie and Klaang are cramped into the tiny cockpit. >Charlie talks into his communicator: > >CHARLIE >Captain? > >ARCHER'S COM VOICE >It worked. Mike: What worked? Tom: The ratings? I don't think so! > >CHARLIE >Where are you? > >ARCHER'S COM VOICE >I'm still on the central core. Get Klaang back to Enterprise. > >CHARLIE >What about you, sir? Crow: [Archer] *I'll* handle Mendoza! > >ARCHER'S COM VOICE >Get him to the ship. You can come back for me. > >CHARLIE >It's going to be hard to isolate your bio-signs... so stay as far away >from the Suliban as you can. > >ARCHER'S COM VOICE >Believe me, I'll try. > >CUT TO: > >EXT. GAS GIANT -CLEAR LAYER (OPTICAL) > >The tiny CELL SHIP disengages from a large, floating section of the >Helix and begins to wend its way UPWARD through the chaos. > >INT. SULIBAN HELIX -CORRIDOR > >Archer is cautiously moving along, rounds a corner... Mike: Spies the water fountain, gets a drink, straightens his hair... > stops when he >sees two SULIBAN moving down the adjoining hall, their backs turned to >him. He quickly pulls back... waits a beat... Tom: Gets some internet lag... > then pulls out a hand- >held SCANNER. He activates it, then starts moving in the opposite >direction... > Crow: A Starfleet office showing a sense of self-preservation? We're setting dangerous precedents here... >CUT TO: > >INT. SULIBAN CELL SHIP > >Charlie at the controls, Klaang cramped in next to him. Klaang, still >somewhat delirious, bellows at Charlie. Neither man understands a word >the other says: Tom: Just like a date. Not that you'd know anything about that, Mike. > >KLAANG >RaQ~o jadICH! Crow: Sure! Who doesn't? > >CHARLIE >I don't particularly like the way you smell, either. Mike: [Charlie] You smell worse than GenCon Sunday morning. > >Klaang bangs the bulkhead with his fist > >KLAANG >MajQa! > Tom: We will bury you! >Charlie checks a reading. Mike: [Charlie] Who the heck is this "Ratliff" guy, anyway? > >CHARLIE >I don't get it, this is right where they're supposed to be... >OFF Klaang's growing agitation... >CUT TO: > >INT. BRIDGE > >A low-frequency boom... followed a few seconds later by a moderate >JOLT. Mike: Jeans should be paying these guys for all the product placement. > >REED >The charges are getting closer again... > >T'POL >(to Mayweather) >Another five kilometers, Lieutenant. > >MAYWEATHER (working} >At this rate, the Captain'll never find us. > >HOSHI >Wait a minute... I think I've got something... > >Everyone turns to her. Crow: When E.F. Hutton talks... > She's holding the earpiece tightly to her left >ear. > Mike: Uhura, the previous generation! >T'POL >Amplify it. > >Hoshi taps a control, and we hear a CACOPHONY of radio signals, >background noise, and distortion. > Tom: Millions of morning zoos from across the galaxy all fighting for supremacy... >HOSHI >(listening) >It's Commander Tucker > >REED >All I hear is noise Crow: [Reed] Sorry. I had the new 'NSynch CD on. > >HOSHI >Sshh... listen... it's just a narrow notch in the mid-range... >(hearing him) >He says he's about to ignite his thruster exhaust... > >T'Pol quickly moves to her viewing device and peers inside. A long, >tense beat. Tom: She's listen to a Rage Against the Machine song? > >T'POL >(to Mayweather) >Coordinates: one fifty-eight mark one three. > >MAYWEATHER >(works) >Laid in. > >T'POL >Ahead, fifty KPH > Mike: Please! Cars in rush hour travel faster than that. >She turns to Hoshi, guardingly appreciative > >T'POL >(in Vulcan, thank you) Tom: It's polite to speak Vulcan? Crow: So, how do I say "Bite me" in Vulcan? >Esparan. > >It's the first time T'Pol has acknowledged Hoshi's abilities. Mike: As a background character? > Hoshi >offers a slight smile. > >HOSHI >You're welcome. > >CUT TO: > >INT. SULIBAN HELIX -CORRIDOR > >Two armed Suliban are searching for Archer. As they move down the hall >and out of view... Crow: A group of time-traveling fanfic readers skip ahead to the end of this script. > >CLOSE ANGLE -SCANNER (OPTICAL > >Two BLIPS representing the Suliban are moving away from a central >indicator. Tom: Boy, the graphics seem really dated. > >ARCHER > >is watching the scanner. He's squatting on a metal BEAM eight feet off >the floor. He JUMPS to the deck, holds up his scanner... Mike: And is fragged, only to respawn by the fountain. > >ON THE SCANNER -(OPTICAL) > >Archer hits a button, which gives a WIDER VIEW of the vicinity. Other >BLIPS representing other Suliban can be seen. Crow: Game over, man. Game over. > There is a large area >with no bio-signs. > >ARCHER > >takes this in, figures out which way to go to find the empty area, >then heads down the corridor... > >CUT TO: > >INT. BRIDGE Mike: AHHH!!!! He's on the SOL! Crow: He's coming to kill us!!!! > >As before. > > >MAYWEATHER >(working helm) >Two kilometers, dead ahead. > >T'POL >Initiate docking procedures. > >HOSHI >I'm only picking up two bio-signs. >(worried) >One Klingon... one human. > Tom: B'Elenna Torres? >OFF T'Pol's impenetrable look... > >CUT TO: > >INT. SULIBAN HELIX -TEMPORAL ENTRYWAY (OPTICAL) > >A narrow passageway that looks completely different than the corridors >we've seen so far. Crow: It ends in an evil-appearing devil-face set in a mosaic. The face has a huge O of a mouth. It is dead black, and radiates magic and evil if detected for. > It ends at a single DOOR. Mike: Wow. Martha Stewart's really hidden her new office well. > Archer reaches the >entrance to this strange hallway... glances at his scanner, which is >now heavily DISTORTED. This piques his interest... Tom: But then again, so does a pinwheel. > and he cautiously >approaches the door, which OPENS automatically. As he tentatively >moves inside... > Crow: And suddenly, we're in Club 54, circa 1978! >INT. TIME-LOCK (OPTICAL) > >A small vestibule. As soon as the door LOCKS and SEALS, a TEMPORAL >COMPRESSION sequence begins: reverberating sound echoes through the >room, and the lights begin to flash. Crow: MOVIE SIGN! Mike: Great. We haven't had a guest star in a while. > Archer's movements are SLOWED DOWN >as time shifts and equalizes... he can barely move... it's like being >underwater. > Tom: Except for the getting wet part. >As the sequence gradually ENDS, Archer's movements >return to normal. Another door OPENS leading to a dimly- lit chamber. >Archer steps through... Crow: Into the smallish 10'x20' burial vault with a arched 25' peak... Mike: Crow, please kill the flavor text. Crow: But the demilich...! Mike: I think the Andromeda folk get to fight him, 'kay? > >INT. TEMPORAL CHAMBER (OPTICAL) > >The dark, labyrinthine room seen earlier, but the energy barrier is >inactive. Archer takes a few steps inside, until he notices something >odd. Tom: [Archer] The drums! They've stopped! > As he walks, his arms BLUR in a PRE-ECHO EFFECT, swinging upward a >split- second before the real arm does the same. Crow: Now I *know* someone took the brown acid. > >He looks down at his feet, and realizes that the sounds of his >footsteps precede the actual step. Puzzled, he stops and gently claps >his hands together --again, the sound precedes the action. Mike: Great. Bad dubbing. Tom: It's Mojo Jojo in Space! > >Unnerved, Archer slowly begins to explore the room. The architecture >is unlike anything he's seen before... the futuristic alien technology >is undecipherable... > Mike: And Apple's new ISets are proved to be a complete failure. >CUT TO: > >INT. ENTERPRISE -BRIDGE > >Everyone looks on as Charlie reports to T'Pol, mid- conflict, urgent: > >T'POL >Our mission is to return the Klingon to his homeworld. Another rescue >attempt could jeopardize that mission. > >CHARLIE >The Captain specifically told us to come back for him. Crow: There's that pesky self-preservation thing again. > >T'POL >As Commanding Officer, it's my job to interpret the Captain's >orders... > >CHARLIE >(passionate) >I just told you his orders! What's there to interpret? Mike: [T'Pol] Hoshi, help me out here. > >T'POL >Captain Archer may very well have told you to return for him later >because he knew how stubborn you can be. > >CHARLIE >What the hell is that supposed to mean? > >T'POL >You might've risked Klaang's life in a foolish attempt to swing back >and rescue the Captain. > Tom: [T'Pol] Or you might have gone out for ice cream and not brought me back any. >CHARLIE >I can't believe this! > >Over the above, a low boom... then JOLT! All: JOLT! AH-AH! > Tension rising: Crow: Will you two stop arguing and just do whatever the heck the script wants you to do? > >T'POL >The situation must be analyzed logically. Tom: Logic dictates that I concentrate on debating with a fellow officer during a battle! > >CHARLIE >I don't remember the Captain "analyzing" anything when he went back >for you on that roof. > Crow: [Charlie] He did say, "Hubba-hubba" though. >T'POL >That's a specious analogy. > >CHARLIE >Is it? > >OFF T'Pol's unreadable expression... > >CUT TO: Tom: Hey! I wasn't finished reading her expression! > >INT. SULIBAN HELIX -TEMPORAL CHAMBER (OPTICAL) > >Archer is inspecting the podium that we saw Silik standing at earlier. >The opposing podium is not present. He eyes the metallic archway >overhead... > Tom: He's on Ringworld! >Suddenly, we hear the low, reverberating sound of the tirne-lock. >Archer draws his weapon and turns for the door, which is OPENING. The >dark vestibule beyond appears empty as the door closes and seals. > Mike: Enterprise Confessionals! This fall on UPN! >Archer slowly backs away, silently listening, senses heightened. After >a long beat, he hears a very quiet pre-echoing effect, followed by >another... and another... he realizes they're the footsteps of an >unseen assailant. Crow: Well, the incidental music helped. > >Archer ducks behind one of the sides of the archway. We hear Silik's >VOICE pre-echoing: > >SILIK'S VOICE >You're wasting your time. Klanng knows nothing. Mike: [Silik] Of course, I can't even spell his name correctly, so what do I know? > >The eerie sounds of Silik's footsteps can again be heard. Archer tries >to track the sound with his raised pistol. > >SILIK'S VOICE >It would be unwise to discharge that weapon in this room. Crow: [Archer] How unwise? Tom: [Silik] Try to imagine all life as you know it stopping instantaneously and every molecule in your body exploding at the speed of light. > >ARCHER >What is this room? What goes on in here? Mike: [Silik] Our IT people hang out in here in between service calls. > >SILIK'S VOICE >You're very curious, Jack. May I call you Jack? Crow: Just Jack? > > >The footsteps continue, Archer trying to follow them with his >weapon... > >ARCHER >Am I supposed to be impressed that you know my name? Mike: [Archer] You probably just read it off of my underwear. > >SILIK'S VOICE >I've learned a great deal about you... even more than you know. Crow: [Archer] You sick little man! I bet you were the one who was stealing my dresses too! > >ARCHER >Well, I guess you have me at a disadvantage. So why don't you drop the >invisible man routine and let me see who I'm talking to? Tom: [Silik] No, but let me show you my white Persian kitty! I call him Korthos! > >Silence. OFF the tension... > >CUT TO: > >INT. ENTERPRISE -BRIDGE > >T'Pol in command. Reed, Mayweather, Hoshi, crewmen all working their >stations. > Crow: Porthos is busily reinitializing the veriton array... >REED >Hull plating's been re-polarized. > >T'POL >(to Mayweather) >Stand by impulse engines. >(taps a control) >Mister Tucker, status? > >CLOSE ANGLE -ON CHARLIE > >working in another part of the ship. We can't tell where he is. > >CHARLIE >The auto-sequencer's on-line... but annular confinement's still off by >two microns. > Mike: [Charlie] Treknobabble generator is still working great though! >T'FOL'S COM VOICE >That should suffice. Tom: Who the heck was that? Crow: Probably someone from another show. "Crossing Jordan" maybe. > >CHARLIE >Easy for you to say. Crow: [Charlie] Me? It's just TOO easy to say! > >INT. BRIDGE >T'POL >(to com) >If the Suliban have re-established their defenses, we'll have no other >option. > >INT. SULIBAN HELIX -TEMPORAL CHAMBER (OPTICAL) > >Archer searching the darkness for signs of movement, pistol raised... > >SILIK'S VOICE >You wouldn't have come looking for Klaang if Sarin had told you what >she knew. >(beat) >That means you're no threat to me, Jack... but I QQ need you to leave >this room. Mike: QQ? Tom: John Cleeses? > >The time-lock door hisses OPEN. > >SILIK'S VOICE >Now. > >Archer hears the footsteps again, but this time he sees something --a >slight DISTORTION against the far wall. He quickly FIRES! A blurred >PRE-ECHO of the shot precedes the blast itself. > Crow: Followed by the "BOOM" of the actual blast. >Both miss Silik, and STRIKE the far wall. A jagged WAVE of temporal >energy emanates from the point of impact and sweeps across the room. >Archer is knocked against a bulkhead, where he holds his head in pain >until the wave dissipates. > >SILIK'S VOICE >I warned you not to fire the weapon. Mike: [Archer] Hrmph. Only half of my molecules exploded. Liar. > >Archer again sees the slight distortion as Silik moves across the >room... > >ARCHER >This chameleon thing... pretty fancy. >(pointed) >Was it payment for pitting the Klingons against each other? A trophy >from your Temporal Cold War? Tom: [Archer] Or did you stop by Brookstone? > >Suddenly, a BLUR of PRE-ECHO MOTION rushes at Archer, immediately >followed by Silik, who becomes VISIBLE and SMASHES into him! Archer is >knocked hard to the ground, his pistol slides away... Tom: Ah... "Lethal Weapon" syndrome. > >Archer quickly gets to his feet. Silik trains the pistol on him. > >SILIK >I was going to let you go, Jack. > >ARCHER >(slowly backing away) >Really? Then you obviously don't know as much about me as you thought >you did. > >SILIK >On the contrary. I could've told you what day you were going to die... >but I suppose that's about to change. > >Silik FIRES the pistol! Crow: Archer is HIT! Tom: Archer LOSES 5 HP! > The PRE-ECHO HITS Archer square in the chest, >but before the real beam can reach him, Archer DARTS to his left and >the blast MISSES him by inches! Mike: Delayed firing. Uh-huh... Crow: In pre-echo land, ANYTHING can happen! > >As Archer LEAPS Crow: AH-HAH! I KNEW IT! Mike: It's not a crossover, Crow. > behind a large bank of alien consoles, the SHOCK WAVE >of temporal energy sweeps across the room, knocking Silik to the >ground! > >Archer glances around the room, trying to figure out how to get to the >open time-lock. > >ARCHER >What's the matter? No genetic tricks to keep you from getting knocked >on your butt? Crow: I guess they passed on the Weeble Wobble option. > >As Silik gets into position to make his next move... > >SILIK >What "you call tricks we call progress. Tom: And what you call "progress" we call "fiddling with time-travel plots". >(beat) >Are you aware that your genome is almost identical to that of an ape? Mike: Do you know what an ape IS, first off... >The Suliban don't share humanity's patience with natural selection. > >ARCHER >So to speed things up a little, you struck a deal with the devil? Tom: Isn't the same person who complained because the Vulcans wouldn't help his father build a warp drive? > >During the above speech, Archer has positioned himself between Silik >and the open time-lock. Still hidden behind the consoles, he's removed >the communicator from his belt. Carefully calculating the next >trajectory of the temporal wave, he THROWS the communicator against a >monitor on the far wall! Tom: Immediately setting off the transporter lock-on, spoiling his chances for a quick escape! > >Quick action: > >-- The PRE-ECHO effect of the communicator flying through the air >draws Silik's attention! Mike: And causes him to track the communicator back to its source and shoot Archer. > >-- On impact, the monitor SPARKS! Silik whirls and FIRES the pistol! > >The SHOCK WAVE emanates outward! Silik braces himself against the wave >of temporal energy, and manages to remain standing! > >-- Archer, however, has situated himself in the perfect spot to be >THROWN into the open time-lock! The door begins to CLOSE... Mike: "Glad to be of service." > >INT. TIME-LOCK- CONTINUOUS (OPTICAL) > >An instant before the door shuts, Silik slips inside! The door LOCKS >and SEALS and the temporal decompression sequence begins. > >Archer and Silik are momentarily disoriented, their movement SLOWED by >the forces in the room. Each man is desperately trying to be the first >to regain control of his body... Crow: Wow. Suddenly, we're in a Bravo film. > >Slowly, Silik is raising the weapon. > >Archer, using every ounce of strength, manages to push against the >wall behind him and SMASHES into Silik in eerie SLOW-MOTION. The >pistol is jarred out of Silik's hand and tumbles toward the floor... Tom: Meanwhile, Keanu Reeves is at home, fuming! > >The SOUND of it hitting the deck signals that time is gradually >returning to normal. > >The-two men begin to struggle... Crow: The fight scene can truly begin! > >CUT TO: > >EXT. GAS GIANT -CLEAR LAYER (OPTICAL) > >ENTERPRISE is roaring toward us, directly below the roiling blue >clouds. Mike: Those clouds are going to start raining paint soon. > Several CELL SHIPS are strafing it, firing weapons. Mike: Paint based weapons! [beat] See, cause in animation, there are cels, which are painted... Tom: We get it, Mike. > We PAN >with Enterprise to see it's heading toward the HELIX, FIRING TORPEDOES >as it goes! Mike: None of which actually hit anything! Tom: Give them a break, Mike, it's their first space fight! > >INT. BRIDGE > >Continuous SHAKES and JOLTS from the attack outside. Mike: Inside, ROOT BEERS and LEMONADES unleashed their fury! > >REED >We have four more coming up off starboard! > >T'POL >(to Mayweather) >Can we dock, Lieutenant? Crow: Sure! It's best to be immobile when being shot at! > >A huge SHAKE ! > Crow: The McDonalds space fleet has arrived! >MAYWEATHER >(urgently working helm) >These aren't ideal conditions! > >T'POL >(taps corn button) >Mister Tucker... we're going to Plan B. Mike: You're waiting for the turtles to show up and save you from the Yxtrang? > >INT. SULIBAN HELIX -TIME-LOCK (OPTICAL) > >Archer and Silik on the floor, locked in combat. Time has returned to >normal. As the sound of the temporal decompression comes to an end, >the outer-door begins to OPEN... Tom: And another version of Archer walks in! It's two times the wackiness! > >The men struggle for the nearby pistol. Archer gets the upper-hand and >forces Silik to the floor, pinning his upturned wrists. A tense beat, >then Silik begins to DISLOCATE his wrist in a grotesque rotation, >allowing him to reach the gun! > Crow: He could have just had the stagehand hand it to him. >Archer realizes he's no match for this... PUNCHES Silik hard in the >face, which gives him the opportunity to leap off him and BOLT out the >door! As Silik grabs the pistol and heads after him -- > >INT. TEMPORAL CORRIDOR -CONTINUOUS > >Archer on the' run, coming directly toward us! In the b.g., we see >Silik coming out of the time-lock... > Tom: And running into a fruit cart. >INT. BRIDGE > >Shaking! Crow: Snapping her fingers. Moving round and round. > >T'POL >(an order) >Now Tom: As interested as it may be, T'Pol, I think you have more important things to attend to. > >INT. TEMPORAL CORRIDOR (OPTICAL) > >Archer, running right at us, begins to DEMATERIALIZE in MID-STRIDE! Crow: So, Archer melted? >Silik takes aim and FIRES! But the blast passes harmlessly through the >Transporter effect and whizzes past camera! > >INT. ENTERPRISE- TRANSPORTER ALCOVE (OPTICAL) > >Archer MATERIALIZES on the Transporter pad. He stumbles forward, >stopping his forward motion, glances around, startled... slowly >realizing what's just happened. Charlie approaches from the >Transporter control station. Mike: [Charlie] Hey sir. You still got the right number of livers? > >CHARLIE >(to com) >Bridge, we've got him! >(to Archer) >Sorry, Captain. We had no other choice. > >There's a strong SHAKE from the attack outside. Archer is oblivious to >it, as he pats down his body, checking that he's in one piece. Crow: Unfortunately, he is. Tom: Damn. > >CUT TO: > >EXT. GAS GIANT -CLEAR LAYER (OPTICAL) > >ENTERPRISE veers off, roaring BACK UP into the blue layer! > Tom: Up we go, into the wild blue SFX. >EXT. SPACE -GAS GIANT, OUTER-ATMOSPHERE (OPTICAL) > >Our ship BLASTS into normal space and JUMPS to WARP! > >DISSOLVE TO: > >EXT. KRONOS - DAY (OPTICAL) > >The gothic towers of the Klingon High Council Chamber rise above the >smoggy yellow haze of the teeming capital city. Crow: Kronos, located just outside sunny Los Angeles. > >INT. KLINGON HIGH COUNCIL CHAMBER (OPTICAL) > >The ancient room is constructed of stone and wood beams; huge torches >create eerie shadows. Mike: But they compliment the inflatable palm trees nicely. > Four KLINGON COUNCIL MEMBERS sit on raised >thrones above the chamber floor. They wear ceremonial regalia adorned >with primitive weapons. Twenty or so other Klingons stand below them, >including numerous armed guards. Tom: Language camp must have gotten out early today. > The Council Members are in the middle >of a heated debate, yelling at each other in Klingon (see ADDENDUM). >We get the feeling that there is great strife among them. > Crow: The K'Yorks and the K'Lenisters are nearly in open combat! >There's a knock at a large wooden door. One of the members, the >CHANCELLOR, stands and calls an order to the guards below. > >CHANCELLOR >Malja'gor! > Mike: You're the Amazing Mr. Please-Please? >Three of the guards move to the door; one works a huge latch, while >the other two pull it open. FOUR FIGURES stand silhouetted against the >outer-chamber. Tom: Maltath, Kolix, Kerla, and Ringo! > One of them steps forward... shakily... > >It's Klaang. He walks toward the dais and stops. We reveal that his >silhouetted colleagues are Archer, T'Pol and Hoshi. Archer and Hoshi >are taking in the scene with fascination and awe --it's the most alien >environment they've seen yet. T'Pol, however, is unfazed. Crow: Unfazed, doped to the gills. Same thing, really. > >Klaang tries to muster as much strength and dignity as he can. Mike: [Klaang] I crashed on some isolated planet, I was shot by some hayseed farmer, brought aboard some human ship, captured, retaken, and now I stand here... have I brought honor? > >KLAANG >(to Chancellor) >Wo'mig:h Oag:h! Q'a12la Tom: "I really like that Thora Birch? I'm ready to die". > >Hoshi leans in to Archer: > >HOSHI (sotto) >Something about disgracing the Empire... he says he's ready to die. Tom: I was close. > >The Chancellor stands and slowly walks down the great stone steps, >pulling a jagged DAGGER from its sheath. Klaang tenses as the >Chancellor stops before him and raises the knife... > >Archer, T'Pol and Hoshi look on, fearing the worst... Mike: That it's a bris? > >The Chancellor grabs Klaang's wrist and draws the blade across his >palm. Klaang looks puzzled. The Chancellor calls to a nearby aide: > >CHANCELLOR >Pog! > Crow: "I seek to play a Hawaiian disc game"? >The aide approaches with a small VIAL. He holds it up, as the >Chancellor turns Klaang's hand, allowing a few drops of BLOOD to fall >into it. > Tom: Klaang must be dating Angelina Jolie. >The aide carries the vial to a large APPARATUS, which seems far more >high-tech than anything else in the chamber. He pours a drop of blood >onto a sensor pad, and inserts it into the apparatus. Mike: Klingon Hospital! Coming soon to UPN! > A large SCREEN >illuminates, displaying highly magnified KLINGON BLOOD CELLS. Tom: Klingon lava lamps are highly advanced. > As the >aide works the controls, the image continues to MAGNIFY. > >The Council Members mutter guttural sounds of approval. > Crow: Hrmph. Hrmph! >The enlarging image now shows spirals of DNA, which continue to >magnify... until we can see a new, distinctive PATTERN taking form >within the MOLECULES themselves. Tom: They're pure Nike brand molecules! Full of spring and an extra dash of chlorine! > >The High Council continues to mutter in anticipation. Archer, T'Pol >and Hoshi watch silently. > >The aid keeps working the controls, and each piece of >the molecular pattern begins to ROTATE, revealing hidden SULIBAN DATA: >coordinates, maps, text, schedules, etc. Crow: Their interests, their turn-ons... you name it, the blood's got it! > >The chamber ERUPTS with shouts of gruff approval! The room quiets as >the Chancellor turns and walks toward our team. He lifts the dagger to >Archer's throat. > >CHANCELLOR >(to Archer) >ChugDah heg:h... volcha va~. Mike: [Chancellor] Hey! I loved you in Major League III! > >With that, the Klingon lowers the blade and walks away. > >ARCHER >(sotto, to Hoshi) >I'll take that as a thank you. > Tom: They may just be exiting so they can blow up the room with the stupid humans inside. >HOSHI >I don't think they have a word for thank you. > Crow: [Hoshi] They do have three words for "Steve Buscemi Movie" though. >ARCHER >What'd he say? > >HOSHI >(unnerved) >You don't want to know. > Mike: [Hoshi] How can a person feel that way about Carrot Top? And baby oil? Ew! >As Archer takes this in... Crow: A group of time-traveling Feddies wonder when they should start intervening with the show. > >CUT TO: > >EXT. SPACE -ENTERPRISE (OPTICAL) > >in orbit of KRONOS. > >INT. READY ROOM > >Porthos is lying on his back, his four legs in the air, while Archer >scratches his belly. All: Aw! Mike: Who's the real star of the show? Yes, you are. Yes, you are! > The door chimes. > >ARCHER >(standing) >Come in. > >T'Pol and Charlie ENTER, having been summoned. Tom: [Archer] Ah, good. Rise, my lieges! > >ARCHER >I've just gotten a response to the message I sent to Admiral Forrest. >He enjoyed telling the Vulcan High Command about the Suliban we ran >into. Crow: [Archer] And he enjoyed the joke about the Rabbi and the baseball player. >(tweaking T'Pol) >It's not every day he gets to be the one dispensing information. > >T'Pol raises an eyebrow. > Mike: [T'Pol] I can still kick your scrawny ass, monkey boy. >ARCHER >I wanted you both to hear Starfleet's orders before I inform the crew. > >CHARLIE >Orders? > >ARCHER >(to T'Pol) >Your people are sending a transport to pick you up. Tom: [Archer] They're still building it though. Can you wait here in orbit for the next six months? > >T'POL >I was under the impression that Enterprise would be taking me back to >"Earth. Crow: Yes... "Earth". > >ARCHER >It would be a little out of our way. >(to Charlie) >Admiral Forrest sees no reason why we shouldn't keep going. Mike: [Archer] The accountants are raising holy hell though. > >CHARLIE >(enthused) >Son of a bitch! > >ARCHER >I have a feeling Doctor Phlox won't mind staying around for a while. >He's developing a fondness for the human endocrine system. > Crow: [Archer] He says it's great with peanut butter. >CHARLIE >I'll get double shifts on the repair work. Crow: [dully] Work! Yay... > >ARCHER >I think the outer-hull's going to need a little patching up. Let's >hope that's the last time somebody takes a shot at us. Tom: The producers, of course, feel otherwise. > >CHARLIE >Let's hope > >Charlie and T'Pol turn for the door. > >ARCHER >T'Pol... would you stick around for a minute? > >She stays behind as Charlie EXITS. Archer takes a moment... Mike: The porn music begins to kick in... > >ARCHER >Ever since I can remember, I've seen Vulcans as an obstacle... always >keeping us from standing on our own two feet. Crow: Or three feet, in the Trilaxians's case. > >T'POL >I understand. > >ARCHER >No, I don't think you do. >(beat) >If I'm going to pull this off, there are a few things I have to leave >behind. Things like preconceptions. holding grudges... mistrust... Tom: Just kiss her already! >(pointed) Mike: They certainly are. Crow: Mike! Mike: What? All Vulcans have ears like that! >This omission would've failed without your help. Tom: Good of him not to leave that out. > >T'POL >I won't dispute that > >Archer resists the temptation to retort... he's getting used to her >dry humor. Tom: She's a British Vulcan? > >ARCHER >I was thinking a Vulcan Science Officer could come in handy, but if I >asked you to stay, it might look like I wasn't ready to do this on my >own. > Mike: [Archer] Plus, people would be claiming that I was ripping off Shatner. >T'POL >Perhaps you should add pride to your list. > >ARCHER >Perhaps I should. > Crow: [T'Pol] Sloth as well. Tom: [Archer] Sure. Crow: [T'Pol] And Envy. Tom: [Archer] If you say... Crow: [T'Pol] And Lust. Tom: [Archer] All right, all right! I get the point. >T'Pol considers, then: > >T'POL >(letting him off the hook) >It might be best if I were to contact my superiors and make the >request myself... with your permission. > >ARCHER >Permission granted. > Mike: [Archer] Whew. Thank goodness we didn't need to recast. >OFF the moment between them... Tom: ...They go at it like a pair of crazed ice weasels! > >INT. BRIDGE > >Archer and T'Pol ENTER from the Ready Room. Reed, Mayweather, Hoshi, >crewmembers at their stations. > >ARCHER >I hope nobody's in a big hurry to get home. >(to all) >Starfleet seems to think we're ready to begin our mission. Crow: [Archer] We all laughed at that joke. > > Excited reactions > All: Huzzah! >ARCHER >I understand there's an inhabited planet a few light years from here. > >REED >(checks station) >Sensors show a nitrogen-sulfide atmosphere. Tom: It's a planet of smokers! > >HOSHI >Probably not humanoids Mike: [Hoshi] Unless UPN doesn't have the budget to create non-human SFX. Oh. Wait. They probably are humanoid. > >ARCHER >That's what we're here to find out. >(to Mayweather) >Prepare to break orbit and lay in a course. Crow: [Archer] Set a course... for adventure! Your mind on a new romance! > >As Mayweather works, Archer takes his chair. > >MAYWEATHER >(off station) >I'm reading an ion storm on that trajectory, sir... should I go around >it? > Crow: [Archer] Nah. Why avoid needless danger? >As we PUSH IN on Archer. > Mike: Ahhh! Give the man some space! >ARCHER >We can't be afraid of the wind, Lieutenant. Tom: We're going to inherit it someday. >(beat) >Take us to warp four. > >CUT TO: > >FLASHBACK: THE MODEL STARSHIP (OPTICAL) > >flies across the morning sky! Young Archer and his Father are running >along a sand dune, trying to keep up with the tiny ship. Young Archer >holds the control unit. > >As the starship sails gracefully into the distance father and son >chasing their dream... Mike: They're off to Hooters for some hot wings! > >FADE TO BLACK. > >THE END > > Tom: At least for now. Crow: No, the end came at the season finale when... Mike: We'll have none of that. > > > > Crow: You see, there were these time traveling Starfleet... Mike: [getting up] I'm serious. No more time travelers. Crow: But it really happened! Mike: Suuuure it did.... [They exit the theater.] [1 . . . 2 . . . 3 . . . 4 . . . 5 . . . 6 . . . ] [The trio is gathered behind the command console.] Crow: Well, that was a winner. Tom: Yep. The Trek franchise is certainly in good Hands. [snicker] Mike: Oh come on. It wasn't that bad. Crow: Please, Mike. At least Voyager waited until late in its run to introduce Thirty Six of Twenty Four of thirty Six. Tom: And they're doing time travel in the first episode! Talk about weak plotting! Mike: Guys, it's not that bad. Crow: Sure it is. Mike: Guys, every Star Trek series starts poorly. Remember? The Naked Now? Tasha, what are drugs? And Voyager did *two* time travel episodes in the first few shows! And do I even have to mention Neelix? Crow: Okay, okay. I get your point. Tom: It still sucked. Mike: Emeril, Tom. Tom: [shudder] Never mind. [The lights begin to flash.] Mike: Let's see what the mads want. [Mike hits the light and we return to Castle Forrester.] [Castle Forrester] [Bobo is still sobbing. Observer stands nearby, reading a copy of "Brain's Life". Pearl looks about ready to blow a gasket.] Observer: [disinterested] There, there. Pearl: Yes. He's still at it. I've decided to vivisect him, if you'd like to watch... [SoL] Mike: Pearl? Can we take one more shot at helping him before you... you know. [Castle Forrester] Pearl: Go ahead. I have to sharpen my scalpels anyway. [Pearl exits. Observer follows her.] [SoL] Mike: Okay, ready guys? And Tom, no more cracks about cartoonists, got it? Tom: Hrmph. Fine. Mike: Bobo? Hey, it's me Mike. Look, you got to get over her, man, er, ape. Crow: Yeah, I mean it's no big deal being dumped. Tom: Heck, it's happened to Mike enough. Mike: [forced] Yeah, it sure has. Crow: And when I dumped Mike's old girlfriend, she didn't start crying about it. Mike sure did though. Mike: [forced] Thank you for dredging up that memory, Crow. [normal] Bobo, you need to get back on that horse and try again. After all, if at first you don't succeed, you gather no moss. Tom: What? Crow: Bobo, why don't try to hook up with an old girlfriend? [Castle Forrester] Bobo: But she moved in with the carto... [SoL] Crow: A *different* girlfriend. [Castle Forrester] Bobo: Oh. Well, there was Krystal. No, wait. They transferred her to the Memphis Zoo... Oh, wait! I dated a girl back when I was still Undergraduate Bobo! [SoL] Mike: That sounds promising. [Castle Forrester] Bobo: She was a journalism student, I think. Ooh! Jane Paw? Polish? [SoL] Crow: [dryly] Pauley? [Castle Forrester] Bobo: Yeah! That's the name! [SoL] Tom: Mike, please let me make fun of him. Mike: No. Bobo, there must be someone else. [Castle Forrester] Bobo: Well, there was someone. She was an actress, but she was seeing someone at the time. Maybe... Yeah. I should go look her up! [He stands.] Hey, Brain Guy? Can you give me a lift to Angelina Jolie's House? [He exits.] [SoL] [Silence] Crow: I'm sure that will go well. Mike: Sure. Tom: I'm acertain of it. Um-hmm. I like dem French Fried potaters. Mike: Crow, you wanna tell the folks how they can give Bobo really bad advice too? Crow: Will do, Mike. To join the MiSTing Authors Dibs List, send an e-mail to "majordomo@pinky.wtower.com" with the message "subscribe dibslist" in the message body. Don't forget to read the FAQ at "http://www.masemware.com/mst3k/faq.shtml". Oh, and try not to contact any weird aliens from the future. Tom: I wonder what happened to him. Mike: Dunno. Maybe we changed the future enough so that he no longer existed. Crow: By hooking Bobo up with Angelina Jolie? Mike: [shudders] I hope not. Tom: Maybe future boy just decided to catch a showing of Episode II. Crow: Why bother? It sucked. Mike: On that note, goodnight folks. [Mike hits the button and all goes black for a moment. Then the scene shifts to the spooky point between time.] [The figure from out of time appears.] Figure: Damn. They've left. I knew I shouldn't have skipped out to go see "The Two Towers". I wanted to warn them. Warn them about... The Story! The Story that shall doom them all! A story about a goofy King, his son, an odessey and that accursed Princess! And now, they shall just have to discover the horror for themselves! [The figure sighs. As he does the blurring stops to reveal the man known only as... Joel Robinson!] Joel: Oh well. At least they didn't do anything stupid, like hook up Bobo with Angelina Jolie or anything. [He shrugs and hits a button on the console, causing the screen to contract with a ...] \ | / \ | / --- * --- PWOOOOSH! / | \ / | \ Mystery Usenet 3000: "Enterprise: Broken Bow" Written by Rick Berman & Brannon Braga Misting by Matt Blackwell, Alex Gariepy, D Gale, and Karen Kallstead Proofreading by Stephen F and Chris Lovins. "Mystery Science Theater 3000" and related characters and situations are trademark of and (c) Best Brains, Inc. All rights reserved. Enterprise and all related characters and situations are trademarks of and copyright of Paramount Picture Corporation and Viacom. All rights reserved. Porthos, of course, is his own dog, baby! Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for non- commercial parody, review, and commentary purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks held by others is intended or should be inferred. No personal insults to author(s), character(s), or situation(s) are or should be implied. All characters in this work are fictional, and any resemblance to actual people, living or dead, is purely coincidental. Comments and complaints can be sent to mblackwl@ix.netcom.com Keep circulating the posts. 8/7/02 Twaaaaang. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- >Over the following scene, they begin applying the gel to their bodies. >It's obvious that this is a part of their training... -----------------------------------------------------------------------