From nebusj@rpi.edu Fri Oct 13 15:21:38 2000 Newsgroups: rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc Subject: Re: Happy Birthday, Stephen Ratliff! From: nebusj@rpi.edu (Joseph Nebus) Date: 13 Oct 2000 17:21:38 -0400 A most happy birthday to one of the newsgroup's most beloved personas. The tales of Stephen Ratliff have astounded and entertained young and old for generations. Tonight, we would like to bring you a stunning word-for-word reenactment of one of the greatest scenes ever to come from the prolific and much remembered author, re-enacted by the Ghost Planet Dinner Theatre Ensemble. From the fanfic "All The King's Horses," it takes place shortly after Star Trek: Generations. Captain Picard has lost his family in a fire that destroyed his ancestral home, although the house recovered well. His adopted daughter Marrissa has just won the Kentucky Derby on a horse owned by his former chief enginner, Mike White, and usually ridden by Isabelle Boucher, neighbor and fiancee to his late nephew Rene. And now, our word-for-word re-enactment, of a scene that took place at a certain time, in a certain dimension, somewhere deep in France... [ May 1998 ] > Brak greeted them at the door to the Picard Vineyard >house. "Welcome back," she said. TARA [as Brak, cheerily]: Even without Robert emotionally crushing me, my life is still miserable! > "A buffet has been set up in the >dining room, and you'll find the wine in the library. DORNO [as Brak]: And if you want any books to read, try the wine cellar. > I put Theresa to >sleep on the third floor, ZANDOR [as Brak]: Such a shame, she was so young, but at least she didn't suffer. > so as long as you don't get too rowdy, we >shouldn't have trouble." TARA: Yeah, no noise could carry through an entire floor of an aged, wooden house. > "I promise you, Marie, we won't get loud until morning," >Space Ghost remarked. ZANDOR [as Space Ghost]: That's when I put a lamp shade over my bulb-shaped head and become the heart and soul of the evening! > "You better not," Brak responded. > "Mrs. Picard," Tansut interrupted. > "What is it Isabelle?" Brak asked. > "May I have a word with you, alone?" Tansut asked. DORNO [as Tansut]: Pssst... midnight, we're making a break from this one-captain town while he's sleeping it off... spread the word! > As Brak drew Tansut to the kitchen, Space Ghost remarked to >Black Widow, "I wonder what that was about?" > "Nothing you need to worry about, Jean-Luc," Black Widow replied. ZANDOR [as Black Widow]: It's just another predictable subplot. >"Just don't give Isabelle any wine." > "Beverly, in France, there is only one reason to refuse wine..." >Space Ghost began. TARA: Death. DORNO: And even then, not always. > Then his eyes widened as he realized, "You don't mean >that Rene got. . ." > "Just so," Black Widow confirmed. DORNO: See if you can find the Rudyard Kipling references in this section. ZANDOR [as Space Ghost]: You mean she and Rene... TARA [as Black Widow]: Yup. ZANDOR [as Space Ghost]: And they didn't use... TARA [as Black Widow]: Nope. ZANDOR [as Space Ghost]: And now she's going to have his... TARA [as Black Widow]: Uh-huh. ZANDOR [as Space Ghost]: Dammit, doctor, you know I hate it when you won't let me finish a... TARA: [as Black Widow]: Too bad. > "You mean that you let her ride, knowing," Space Ghost said. > "There was no real danger, Jean-Luc," Black Widow said. ZANDOR [as Space Ghost]: Am I ever going to get to complete a... TARA [as Black Widow]: Not while I'm around. > "Not at >this . . ." > Conversation was suddenly interrupted as the door burst open to >reveal Dr. Nightmare. DORNO: Oh good, now the *really* unpleasant people have arrived! ZANDOR [as Space Ghost]: Philippe! What did I tell you about knocking first? > Tansut's father had looked better, to put >it mildly. TARA: Like that one time he actually washed. > He staggered into the room, his hair and clothes a mess. He >reeked of alcohol. DORNO: In other words, he looked like Scotty on a good day. > "Where is my daughter?" he slurred. ZANDOR: Line taken from every "serious" drama made in the last seven years. > "Isabelle is talking to Marie in the kitchen," Space Ghost said. TARA [as Space Ghost]: They're consulting with Dinah. >"But you are in no condition to go anywhere." > "Got to find out who dishonored her," Dr. Nightmare said. "Can't >have two bad children, Louise would have never stood for it." DORNO: We'd have a reaction if we had a hint who Louise is. > He lunged >for the kitchen, only to find himself sprawled over a coffee table. DORNO: [imitates goofy sitcom pratfall music] TARA: Wah wah wah WAAAAAAHHHHHHH... ZANDOR: And that's why the French love their wine... it brings out the Jerry Lewis in everybody! > "Nobody dishonored Isabelle," Jayce said as Dr. Nightmare forced >himself to stand. "She just got honored for winning the Triple Crown." DORNO: So apparently Mike wasn't the brightest engineer Picard ever had. > "Not that way," Dr. Nightmare said, as pulled a pamphlet out of >his back pocket. ZANDOR: My God... RUN! HE'S DRUNK AND HE'S PACKING LITERATURE!!! > It was titled dealing with the early stages of >pregnancy. TARA [as Dr. Nightmare]: Who's the bastard that let my daughter take a sex ed class?! I'll *kill* him! > "Mr. Boucher, she was engaged to Rene before he died," Zorak >put in, approaching the drunken father, but she was restrained from >getting too close by Commander Pirahnor's arm. DORNO [as Pirahnor]: Stay back, Marrissa... *I'll* handle this. I've dealt with this situation a *MILLION* times. > "I never heard of such a thing," Dr. Nightmare replied. "You >lie." ZANDOR [as Dr. Nightmare]: Somebody would have *told* me if Rene died! > At that, Tansut appeared in the Kitchen doorway. She stared >at her father, who could bearly stand. Her eyes looked up at the >ceiling and then she spoke up, softy yet loud, TARA [as Tansut]: Why, oh why was I born a Kennedy? > "She does not, father." > "Isabelle," he exclaimed turning to face her. He took a few >trembling steps towards her. DORNO: Joe Don Baker, in a role that won't surprise you. > "Tell me it's not true. Tell me that that >boy didn't dishonor my daughter." ZANDOR [as Tansut]: Dad... you've seen Rosemary's Baby, right? > "Rene was every bit a gentlemen," Tansut said. DORNO [as Tansut]: He had his butler do it rather than do the work himself. > "But I am >bearing his child, and we were engaged." TARA [as news anchor]: This bulletin just in... premarital sex depicted in a Ratliff story! Yes, folks, you heard it here first. > "Why didn't you tell me?" Dr. Nightmare asked. > "Because, I was afraid of your reaction," Tansut said. DORNO [as Tansut]: And by the way, I'm *so* glad my fears were unfounded. > "Rene >wanted to announce our engagement right away, but I insisted we wait >until at least after the Belmont. I was afraid you'd forbid it, force >me to stay away from him." TARA: Oh, come on Isabelle! You've heard of sneaking out the window, haven't you? > "You're right, I forbid it," Dr. Nightmare said. ALL: [burst out laughing] ZANDOR: Oh, *that's* gonna do a lot of good. TARA [as Dr. Nightmare]: You are *not* going to hang around that Rene boy's grim spectre, young lady! DORNO [as Dr. Nightmare]: If I find you consorting with the undead, you are *so* grounded! > "I don't want >you around the Picards or the Stables. I can see I was wrong to let you >work there. TARA [as Dr. Nightmare]: From now on, you're going to be in a respectable profession... T-shirt sales! > You'll come home with me right now and you will not be >having that perverted Picard's baby." ZANDOR [as Dr. Nightmare]: When I get you home, you've got an appointment with a straightened-out coat hanger, missy! DORNO: I'd just like to extend a general poll to everyone out there in viewing land. With a "Yes" or "No" ballot, we'd just like to know if this is the first time you've heard of monogamous, heterosexual intercourse referred to as "perverted". Don't delay, get your vote in today! > "No," Tansut said, still softly. TARA [as Tansut]: Papa, don't preach! I'm *keeping* my baby! ZANDOR: If she gets any softer, she's going to fold in on herself. > "What did you say, Isabelle Delunca Boucher?" Dr. Nightmare said, >his voice tinged with drunken anger. DORNO [as Tansut]: I said: "What part of 'No' don't you understand?" TARA: This scene was brought to you by Ratliff's Booze Council... need help dealing with a sensitive family matter? Try booze! > "No," Tansut said, getting louder. "I will not let you ruin >my life. ZANDOR [as Tansut]: I'm going to ruin it *myself*! > I've managed to salvage it after Rene's death. Sometimes only >the fact that I'm carrying his child or the duties at the stable have >made feel alive again. TARA: I bet ten years from now it turns out that this kid's really just a Ferengi trick to get back at the Picard family.... ZANDOR: Stop free associating with bad episodes, Crow. It makes my skin start to itch. > I will not let you ruin that. And the Picards >have every right to see me. DORNO [as Tansut]: Look at it this way, Dad... the Picards are God-on-Earth in this town! If I play my cards right, this kid could be hailed as the next Messiah! > I am not leaving, Father. There is nothing >you can do to stop that." TARA [as Dr. Nightmare]: What if I said "please"? > Tansut stood in the doorway staring at her father, and the >room descended into silence. ZANDOR [as Space Ghost]: Well. Um. Did anybody see the new Babylon Five ep... oh, no, I guess you wouldn't have at that. > Then Dr. Nightmare broke the silence, >"Isabelle you're coming with me if I have to carry you." DORNO [as Dr. Nightmare]: Don't make me get out the duct tape and the duffel bag, young lady! > "Not in the shape you're in, Father," Tansut replied. TARA [as Tansut]: Come back when you're a rhombus. > She >turned and walked into the dining room. Her father attempted to follow, >but Moltar blocked him. DORNO [as Moltar]: Sorry sir. We cannot allow you to go charging around here like a bull in a china shop babbling about honor. That's *my* job. > Dr. Nightmare looked up at the towering Klingon and involuntarily TARA: ... wet himself. >gulped. "I believe the young lady wants to be alone," Moltar said. >Dr. Nightmare trembled. ZANDOR [as Space Ghost]: Let him go, Mr. Worf. The Prime Directive forbids us to interfere. > "I believe you are right, Worf," Space Ghost remarked. TARA: Boy, you can see why he's the leader. > "Why >don't you and Data help Mr. Boucher home." DORNO [as Space Ghost]: I believe Philippe needs a rest... in Ward E. > "As you wish, Captain," Moltar replied, hoping that Dr. Nightmare >would put up a fight. ZANDOR: Worf really liked beating up on guys too drunk to fight back. > > Zorak found Tansut sitting in the corner of the Dining >Room. Tansut's eyes were red, as if she'd been crying, and she was >curled up in a dining room chair. "Are you coming back to the party?" >Zorak asked. DORNO [as Zorak]: Hey... is something wrong? TARA: They've really got to rethink their entertainment options for the next party. Inviting the town drunk just fell totally flat. > "Is my father gone?" Tansut asked, placing her feet back on >the floor, but not making a move to leave the room. > "Yes, ZANDOR [as Zorak]: We put him on a transport ship to Romulan space. > Commanders Worf and Data took him home," Zorak said. >"Hopefully he'll make more sense in the morning." TARA [as Zorak]: We'll wake him up at half past midnight and taunt him to check. > "I doubt it," Tansut smiled, standing up. "He may have >announced his decision while he was drunk, but he'll stand by it when >he's sober. Dad's remarkable stubuarnant." ZANDOR: Dad's remarkable wha-? DORNO: Steve, you've outdone yourself. There's no word that's even *close* to sounding like "stubuarnant". > "I think it's a trait of all parents, especially fathers," >Zorak replied. TARA [as Zorak]: Of course, *my* dad's just putty in my hands, but there's always an exception, right? > "Are you ready to come back now?" ZANDOR [as Zorak]: Come on, don't get so down over a little family spat! Let's party hardy! > "Just let me get some of that strange red fruit juice," Tansut >said, walking over to the table. "I forgot what Mrs. Picard said it >was, but it has no alcohol." DORNO [as Zorak]: Oh, blood of my enemies, my favorite drink! I'll get you a glass. > "It's strawberry juice, my favorite," Zorak replied. ALL: [applause] ZANDOR: Yes, the strawberry juice has another cameo! DORNO: It *is* our favorite character in these stories. > The two >girls walked back towards the living room to rejoin the party. > > Space Ghost surveyed the room. TARA [as Space Ghost]: One point five degree declination over a length of four point one seven meters... on the cross direction a point seven four degree inclination over a length of three point zero five meters... > Commander Pirahnor and Counselor >Lokar were talking in one corner of the room. ZANDOR [as Lokar]: No, I don't want to go upstairs and see your etchings. > Black Widow, Brak, and young >Tansut were standing by the kitchen door, probably talking about >babies. DORNO: Seeing as how they're a bunch of women and all. > Zorak, Cyclo, and The Mind-Taker were sitting on the sofa next to >the fireplace. TARA: Isabelle's father was passed out in the corner, sucking in his own vomit. > Space Ghost smiled, knowing his daughter, she was probably >discussing some sort of tactics, either that or some sort of show she'd >found in her recent discovery of Japanese Animation. ZANDOR: AAAH! HURT! HURT! HURT! HURT! HURT! HURT! TARA: Okay, who would win... Enterprise D or the Samurai Pizza Cats? > Jan was >chatting with Jayce, telling about the problems each had had as >Chief Engineer on a starship. ZANDOR [as Jan]: So you never got any, either? > Moltar and The Sorcerer appeared at the doorway, having taken >Tansut's father home. The Sorcerer approached Space Ghost. "Captain, >Commander Worf and I delivered Mr. Boucher home," he said. DORNO [as The Sorcerer]: We stuffed him in a mailbox and stuck a postage stamp over his mouth. Was that wrong? > "Father Francis met us on the >way over. He said that he would take care of Mr. Boucher." ZANDOR [as The Sorcerer]: Sorry, sir, I meant to say "she". DORNO [as The Sorcerer]: When we left, Father Frances was slamming Boucher's head with a car door over and over again. TARA [as The Sorcerer] Oh, and she wanted us to mention that the excommunication proceedings start tomorrow. Enjoy the salt in your wounds, kid! > "Understood, Data," Space Ghost said, then he turned to the >room at large. He tapped on his wine glass, producing a loud chime, >about a G above middle C. DORNO: It's a good thing he told us the precise tone. Just calling it a "chime" would make it too vague for the average reader. > "Ladies and Gentlemen, I have an >announcement." ZANDOR [as Space Ghost]: I'm pregnant. > The room quieted and everyone turned to face Space Ghost. "On >my way to our box at the Belmont, I ran into Admiral Necheyev," DORNO [as Space Ghost]: Because there just happened to be nothing better in the whole universe for her to be doing. ZANDOR [as Space Ghost]: Fortunately, no one was injured. > he >began, smiling. "She informed me that Star Fleet intends to TARA [as Space Ghost]: ... use the reflection of light off my head to test their equipment. > commission >a new Enterprise." He paused a moment for that to sink in. "They >intend to ask me to command her again, and I'd like all of my crew to >join me. DORNO [as Space Ghost]: Except for "Butterfingers" Riker... I'd like this one to *not* be blown up, thank you. > The official announcement and orders are due to arrive >tomorrow." ZANDOR [as Space Ghost]: But Marrissa's spies intercepted them yesterday. > "That's wonderful, Jean-Luc," Black Widow replied. > "What class of ship do we get?" Jan inquired. TARA: One with all the explosive stuff taken out. > "She'll be a Sovereign Class, the second off the line," Space >Ghost said, then he turned to the Counselor with a twinkle in his eye. DORNO [as Santa Claus]: Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night! >"And Counselor, I'm not letting you drive it until you can fly it better >than my daughter." ZANDOR: Um... was that supposed to be a punch line? TARA: I think it was an Old Trek ending, or Love Boat ending, or something. I can almost hear the laughter of the crew as the scene fades away... ALL: [sigh contentedly] > >The End. ZANDOR [dramatically]: Or... *is* it? TARA: How about, it's THE END!!!!!!! ------------------------------------- Tonight, you have witnessed re-enactments of fantastic adventures, both amazing and profound, by our own Space Ghost Dinner Theater Ensemble. And now, from a certain time, in a certain dimension, we bid you... farewell. AS JEAN-LUC PICARD: Space Ghost AS MARRISSA PICARD: Zorak AS WILLIAM T. RIKER: Pirahnor AS DR. BEVERLY CRUSHER: Black Widow AS DEANNA TROI: Lokar AS MARIE PICARD: Brak AS GEORDI LAFORGE: Jan AS MICHAEL WHITE: Jayce AS ISABELLE: Tansut AS DATA: The Sorcerer AS WORF: Moltar AS PHILLIPPE: Dr. Nightmare AS CLARA: Cyclo AS ALEXANDER: The Mind-Taker AS TOM SERVO: Dorno AS MIKE NELSON: Zandor AS CROW T. ROBOT: Tara Joseph Nebus ------------------------------------------------------------------------------