Mystery Usenet Theater 3000: "The Misery Senshi Neo-Zero Double Blitzkrieg Debacle" Written by Peter W. Guerin Misted by Matt Blackwell, Tyler Dion, Douglas Gale, Brendan Herhilhy, Bill Livingston, Eric Schepers, Harold Tessmann III, Rebo Valence, and Valeria [Season 10 Opening Sequence] [It's dark on the Satellite of Love. Really Dark. Suddenly, a light shines up from the bottom of the screen, illuminating from beneath the head of Gypsy, a large purple robot with a high pitched, feminine voice.] Gypsy: o/~ In the year three thou-sand. In the year three thou-sand! o/~ [Cambot pans away from Gypsy and towards what apparently is the center of the bridge. A pair of lights shine up from the darkness, lighting the faces of Tom Servo and Crow T. Robot from underneath. Cambot pans in for a close-up of Crow T. Robot, a gold, spider-ducky looking robot.] Crow: Computers will be so small that thousands will fit in a teaspoon. They will be used to perk up the flavor of soup. [Cambot pans back to Gypsy, and pans across her as she sings.] Gypsy: o/~ In the year three thou-sand. o/~ [The view shifts to show Tom Servo, a short, red robot who resembles a gumball machine.] Tom: Jesus will return to Earth and lead an army of Good against the forces of evil. On the cover of Time magazine that week: Jewel. [Cambot shifts back to Gypsy, once again panning by her as she sings.] Gypsy: o/~ In the year three thou-sand! o/~ Crow: In a frank and wide-ranging interview on Oprah, the Ebola virus will reveal that it, too, was trying to impress Jodie Foster. Gypsy: o/~ In the year three thou-sand. o/~ Tom: Everyone on Earth will become flesh-eating zombies. When the flesh is all gone, they will be dirt-eating zombies. When the dirt is gone, some will reluctantly go to "The Olive Garden." Gypsy: o/~ In the year three thou-sand! o/~ Crow: Canada and the United States will unite into one country called "Mexico Sucks!" Gypsy: o/~ In the year three thou-sand. o/~ Tom: Baby seals will no longer be hunted for their fur. They'll be hunted for revenge. Gypsy: o/~ In the year three thou-sand! o/~ Crow: Women will admit that the whole "different from men" thing was a big hoax to get free meals and drinks. Gypsy: o/~ In the year three thou-sand. o/~ Tom: Scientists will dissect Kathie Lee Gifford. Despite her horrible screams. Gypsy: o/~ In the year three thou-sand! o/~ Crow: Boutros Boutros-Gha... [Suddenly, the Bridge becomes completely lit. Cambot pans back to reveal Mike Nelson, a thirties-ish, brown haired male wearing a jumpsuit, standing by a light switch.] Mike: What do you two think that you're doing? Crow: [quietly] Our "In the Year 3000" sketch. Mike: Guys, we're going to get sued. Tom: Nuh-uh. We've changed enough of the content to keep us lawsuit free! Mike: How? Tom: [quietly] Well, ours is the year 3000 instead of 2000. Mike: Get it all out of here. Now. [to the screen] We'll be right back. [Commercials] [The Bridge is back to its usual state. Mike, Tom and Crow stand behind the command console.] Mike: All right. So are you two done? No top ten lists planned? No Pimpbots on the way? No stupid nanite tricks? Tom: Well, we did install the Dancing Waters (TM). [At the mention of the name, streams of water shoot up from the bottom of the screen in front of the console.] Mike: [mumbling] Those lawyers are going to eat us alive... Crow: Mike, we're in space. They can't even get close to us. Mike: They're like cockroaches! They can survive everywhere! Even now, as we speak, a rocket full of lawyers is undoubtedly heading towards us... [The multi-colored lights on the command console that indicate a call from Castle Forrester begin to flash. The Dancing Waters (TM) reflect the light quite nicely.] Mike: We better see what Regis, Kathie Lee and Cody want. [Mike taps the light, and the scene shifts to...] [Castle Forrester] [Pearl Forrester, evil mad scientist and owner of Castle Forrester stands in the foreground. Behind her stands The Observer, a pale humanoid alien wearing a cloak and holding a brain in a small dish.] Pearl: Well, Mike. I hope you're ready, because today's the day. [SoL] [Mike stands confused for a moment, the realization dawns on his face.] Mike: Oh, that's right. [He turns to Tom.] Tom, you're starting your production of "Servoes on Ice" today, right? Tom: You betcha, Mike. [Behind Tom, a throng of additional Toms appear, each wearing a stocking cap and each with a pair of ice skates hung over one shoulder.] Tom: Why it's going to be the most ambitious ice performance ever! We're going to do a performance of "A Tale of Two Cities" that will knock your socks off! Mike: I've got some extra tickets if you need 'em, Pearl. [Castle Forrester] [Pearl and Observer both look a bit confused. Pearl then shakes her head and begins to speak again.] Pearl: Er, no. Not Tom's little ice thingee. This, Mike, is the day I've long waited for: the day where I crush you utterly and totally. From this day on, you will be nothing more than a memory. Right now, we are in negotiations with the author of this work and... [Bobo enters, talking into a cordless phone.] Bobo: ...yes, yes. That'll be no problem at all. Yes, we'll be happy to. So, it's a go then? Good. [Bobo gives Pearl a thumbs up.] Well, we thank you for the opportunity to use... well, sure. I guess I can hear a bit more about your story. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. No, I didn't know that. Really? Uh-huh. [Bobo continues to talk in the background as Pearl speaks.] Pearl: There you go, Mike. The sound of your imminent doom. Your story today is a charming crossover between Sailor Moon and MTV's Daria called "The Misery Senshi Neo-Zero Double Blitzkrieg Debacle." And if it seems like it goes on forever, it's probably because it does. Oh, and did I mention that it's a technothriller too? [She grins evilly.] Enjoy your last hours, Mike. [SoL] Crow: Uh-oh. Tom: This sounds bad. Mike: Come on, guys! We've taken everything that Pearl has thrown at us and more! This can't be as bad as "Werewolf". Or "Hobgoblins". Or "Timespeeder" even! Bots: AHHHHHHH!!!!! Mike: Sorry. I forgot about how you guys react to that one. But if we face this one together, it'll be a snap! Besides, it can't possible be as bad as Pearl's making it out to be. Crow: [nervously] Yeah, I guess you're right. Tom: [nervously] Sure, how bad could it possibly be? [The lights signaling the arrival of a new story begin to flash.] Mike: See! That's the spirit! Now, let's get in there and get cracking! 'Cause we've got Misery Sign! [Mike cheerfully hits the lights and the door sequence begins.] [6 . . . 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . ] [The trio enters the theater and take their usual places.] Tom: Gee, Mike. You seem exceptionally chipper today. Mike: Well, you know. It's really nice out today. I figure we can knock this one off early and get outside. Maybe head down to the park. Get in a game or something. Crow: Oh. Mike: By the way, which one of you was Conan and which was Andy? Tom: We've sworn ourselves to silence Mike, divulging the truth- Crow: I was Conan. Tom: Grrrrr...... > > >THE MISERY SENSHI NEO-ZERO DOUBLE BLITZKRIEG DEBACLE Crow: Misery and debacle are probably going to be good ways to explain this one. >A Daira/Sailor Moon Crossover Fan Fiction Story [Long, long pause] Tom: Misspelling the name, in the title. You can just feel that optimism drain from your body like sweat on a hot day. You're going to pay for this one, Mike. Mike: Sorry. Crow: Mike? Mike: Yes, Crow? Crow: Could I possibly trouble you to melt me down into a large brick of molybdenum and throw me violently at the screen? Mike: Just as soon as I finish twisting my own head off. Crow: That's okay, take your time. >By >Peter W. Guerin >(Mr. Guerin can be contacted at DocForbin@Hotmail.com) > Crow: And, if you're lucky, he can also be contacted by walking around outside and yelling "PETER!" > >With apologies to Naoko Takeuchi and Glenn Eichler. Mike: Readers? Well, you're on your own. > >AUTHOR'S DISCLAIMER > >None of this ever happened. Tom: Thankfully. Crow: Not even in another dimension or something? Mike: Hey, you heard the man. > However, for those of you keeping >score at home, Mike: ...I'm talking to you, Richard... > the events roughly (and I mean roughly) [Crow snickers] > follow the >events depicted in "Bishojo Senshi Sailor Moon Sailor Stars", Tom: A delicious part of this nutritious breakfast! Mike: It also depicts secrets told to me by the magic talking Mr. Potato Head I got in my McDonald's "Toy Story 2" Happy Meal. >which was the fifth and final season of the original Japanese >series. Tom: The series was cancelled due to the fact no one could pronounce the name. > Further, the original Japanese civilian identities of >the Sailor Senshi are used, Mike: Hey, you should change those to protect the innocent! Oh wait, it's anime. There are no innocents. Carry on! > in Oriental order (i.e. family name >first) as well as all other Japanese characters depicted in this >story. Crow: I'll also be following the Japanese tradition of writing from right to left. ?siht ekil naem ouY: moT Mike: Ack! How do you *DO* that? > >Almost all aircraft depicted in this story have been checked with >the publication "Aircraft of the World: The Complete Guide" Mike: Who knew there really *was* a hot-air balloon made of iguana bladders? >(Pittsburgh: International Masters Publishers, 1996-present; >series of factsheets published every three weeks). Mike: Every three weeks another factsheet will be rushed to your door, full of the latest in aircraft cupholder technology. > The sole >exception is the Mitsubishi Neo-Zero, which is a complete >creation of the author. > Crow: Although those weasels at the patent office refuse to give me due credit for my brilliance. Mike: [Patent guy] Look! I don't think that you can patent a rubber band powered airplane, okay? >All "Bishojo Senshi Sailor Moon" and related characters are (C) >1992,1998 Naoko Takeuchi/Kodansha/Toei Animation Co., Ltd./DIC >Enterprises LP. All "Daria" and related characters are (C) 1993, >1997, 1998 MTV Networks. Tom: Who surprisingly took time from their busy schedule of "Spring Break 1996" reruns and "Road Rules" marathons for something else! Crow: Note to MTV - prepare to turn in the "M", guys! > All Rights Reserved. All other >characters depicted are my creation. Tom: What about us? Mike: We're his creation too. Crow: Do you think he'll give us a raise then? > So there. > Crow: [dude] We are *so* there, man. > >SONG CREDITS Crow: Buckle down guys, this is gonna be rough. > >"Morning Has Broken": Traditional lyrics by Elinor Ferjoen. [Silence] Mike: Well, there's a song I never expected to see in a fanfic based on an MTV show... >Musical arrangement by Cat Stevens. (C) 1972 Cat Stevens. Tom: o/~ I'm being followed by a big Muslim. Biiig Muslim, big Muslim. o/~ >Appearing on his album "Teaser and the Firecat" Mike & Tom: o/~ With long tails, and ears for hats! o/~ > on A&M CD's and >cassettes. > Crow: Available at Musicland and WaxTrax! >"Ty Cobb": lyrics by Chris Cornell; Crow: He's on a hunt for the mystic Sampo! > music by Ben Shepherd. (C) >1996 You Make Me Sick I Make Music (ASCAP)/Stupidditties (ASCAP). Mike: You know, there is such a thing as being too creative. Tom: Hard to argue, there. >All Rights Reserved. Appearing on the Soundgarden album "Down on >the Upside" on A&M CD's and cassettes. Mike: Oh, you need one of those Greenday Houses. You know, where you grow those Poseys or Hothouse Flowers? > >"Black Hole Sun": lyrics and music by Chris Cornell. (C) 1994 >You Make Me Sick I Make Music (ASCAP). Tom: Winner of the "Most Unsettling Video" award 5 years running. > All Rights Reserved. Crow: All rights? What about the right to fling it off an overpass at speeding cars? Mike: Reserved that too. Can't be too careful. >Appearing on the Soundgarden album "Superunknown" on A&M CD's and >cassettes.. > Mike: [Minnewegian] Ellen says that Tommy, that's her son - Crow: [Ditto] Ya. Mike: Tommy listens to that Mudgarden everyday. >"Monk Time" , "I Hate You" and "Complication": written by Gary >Burger, Larry Clark, Dave Day, Roger Johnston and Eddie Shaw. Tom: Yeah, you can tell the screenplay's in trouble when there's that many names on it. Crow: I'm surprised Lawrence Kasdan didn't put in his two cents. >(C) 1965 Monk Time Publishing (BMI); administered by Bug Music. Mike: Hey, that's what drove the Hatrocks away from the Flintstones' neighborhood! Tom: [bug music] Yeah, yeah, yeah! Crow: Yeahyeahyeah! >All Rights Reserved. Appearing on the Monks album "Black Monk >Time" on Infinite Zero Archive CD's. Distributed by American >Recordings. > Mike: Monk CDs and Monk cassettes available at finer Monk stores everywhere. Tom: So is this a fanfic, or a jukebox, or a legal contract, or what? Crow: I'm pulling for "what", but... >"Kimigayo": Tom: Daylight come and me wanna go home. > Words selected from the seventh volume of "Kokinshu" >dating from AD 9th Century; English translation by Sakuzo Takada; >Music by Hiromori Hayashi. > Mike: Get the feelin' someone doesn't wanna get sued? Bots: Noooooo...... >"Tusk": Mike: o/~ Pow-wow, the Indian boy, loved all the animals in the west, o/~ All: o/~ We will, we will, rock you! o/~ TUSK! Tom: o/~ So they ran through the briars, and they ran through the brambles, And they ran through the places where a rabbit wouldn't go. o/~ Crow: o/~ Gypsies, tramps, and thieves! We heard it from the people of the town! o/~ All: TUSK! Mike: o/~ High on a hill lived a lonely goatherd, Ladee-yodel-ladee-yodel-la-hee-hoo! o/~ Tom: o/~ Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus, Right down Santa Claus Lane! o/~ All: TUSK! Crow: o/~ Give it away, give it away, give it away, now! Give it away, give it away, give it away, now! o/~ Mike: o/~ I've got a brand new pair of roller skates, You've got a brand new key! o/~ All: TUSK! Tom: o/~ Admiral Halsey notified me, He had to have a bath or he couldn't get to sleep, o/~ Crow: o/~ And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon, Little Boy Blue and the man in the moon! o/~ Mike: o/~ In your Easter bonnet, with all the frills upon it, o/~ Tom: o/~ One night in Bangkok makes a strong man crumble, o/~ Crow: o/~ Chicks and ducks and geese better scurry, When I take you out in a surrey, o/~ Mike: o/~ We were merely freshmen! o/~ All: o/~ Oh, Suzanna, oh don't you cry for me, 'Cause I come from Alabammy with a banjo on my knee! o/~ TUSK! Mike: Ah. I love that bit. > Lyrics and music by Lindsey Buckingham. (C) 1979 New >Sounds Music (ASCAP). Mike: Actually, at this point, calling Fleetwood Mac music "new" seems a bit futile. > All Rights Reserved. Appearing on the >Fleetwood Mac album "Tusk" on Warner Bros. CD's and cassettes. > Crow: And strangely enough, the soundtrack to "Amadeus"! >AUTHOR'S DEDICATION > Tom: *OH WILL YOU JUST START THE BLASTED STORY ALREADY?!* >This story is dedicated to my mother's favorite author, Tom >Clancy. Tom: [Peter] I love her, even though she tried to legally change my name to "Soviet Second Tank Division." > This story may be a bit evocative of his style, so >please bear with me. > Crow: A bit meaning, nothing like Tom Clancy. >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- > >"Sky Pilot!/Sky Pilot!/ Mike: Earth to Sky Pilot, come in Sky Pilot! > How high can you fly?/You'll never, never, >never reach the sky!" > Tom: Icarus would later regret trying to answer the song's question. >--Eric Burden, The Animals, "Sky Pilot" > >"War!/Good God, you all!/What's it any good for?/Absolutely >nothing!/Say it again!" > Tom: War?? Mike: You forgot the "Huh!" before the "Good God, y'all!" >--Edwin Starr, Edwin Starr's Rising Starr, "War" > Crow: Copyright Starr Music Publishing, distributed by Starr Recordings Tom: Starr CDs and Starr cassettes available at finer Starr stores everywhere. All: Starr! >"Though force can protect in an emergency, only justice, >fairness, consideration and cooperation can finally lead men to >the dawn of eternal peace." > Mike: "It's either that, or a group of sailor suited heroines..." >--Dwight David Eisenhower, General, U. S. Army, Tom: For those of you who fell asleep and missed WWII! > later President >of the United States > Crow: "I did not have sexual relations with that woman!" --Bill Clinton, even later President of the United States Mike: "We have met the enemy, and he is us." - Walt Kelly, "Pogo" Tom: "This is so offensive on so many levels." - Joel Robinson, SOL >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- > >Data 1: Ebon Genesis Sweet Adeline > Tom: Black Beginning Saccharine Clementime! Crow: Onyx Commencement Pleasant Yolanda! Mike: Uh, uh...Ivory Revelations Sour...Sour...pass, pass! >A huge crowd had gathered in the mass meeting room of Sumito >Heavy Industries Crow: I guess Sumo would be a ... heavy industry. Mike: Watch it! > for what was expected to be a brief pep rally >before the start of the day's business. Tom: And here comes the corporate cheerleading squad now! Crow: Yes, the world of modern business is just like high school! > All were clad in the >same blue suits typical of Japanese businessmen in Shinjuku, the >business district of Tokyo. Mike: Though what the stilettos and fishnet stockings were about was anyone's guess. > At one end was a platform were the >top executives of the company were seated as well as a podium for >speaking. Mike: What? Tom: During meetings, Japanese executives lose face if they sit worse than a podium. Mike: Huh? Tom: Just accept it and move on, Mikey. > However, it was the banner affixed to the wall that >was unusual: a brown octopus on a white disc on a red field. Tom: It's Hydra! Crow: Baron Zucker is now a big wheel on the lecture circuit. > >At once, everyone's attention was focused on the podium as one of >the persons on the platform rose to speak. Tom: [speaker] Hello, I'd like to tell you about a group of girls, who I know very well.... > However, this was not >one of the executives; she was an "OL", or office lady. Mike: Oh, a secretary. Tom: Executive Assistant! Mike: Sorry. > But no >other "OL" like her existed in Japan. Mike: o/~ 'Cause she's a small wonder! A.. o/~ Tom: No. This is not a crossover with that. > Yoriko was tall and >statuesque, and was well-proportioned with ample bust, slender >hips, long legs and short, black hair. Tom: Rrrrowr! I like where this is going! Crow: The part of Yoriko will be played by Bettie Page. > Banging the gavel, she >called the meeting to order. > Tom: Now, what are we going to do about that new sheriff? The chair recognizes Howard Johnson. >"I know that we have much work to do, Crow: [Yoriko] So, let's talk about our progress towards ISO 9001 compliance... > so I will keep this brief," >said Amazana Yoriko. "I have glorious news that will gladden the >hearts of everyone in our organization. Tom: They're bringing back the McRib! [All cheer] > We think the Neo-Zero >prototype will be ready for its first test flight by month's end. Mike: The Neo-Zero? That's that company that does those fighting games, right? >Ryu, our intelligence officer, will explain." > Crow: R yu, experienced? Has he ever been experienced? Mike: Not necessarily stoned, mind you. >The podium was yielded to Chang Ryu, Tom: Ryu had the right of way. > a man of unusually handsome >qualities due to his mixed Chinese-Korean-Japanese ancestry. Crow: He's invaded himself from both ends! > He >was about six and a half feet tall with brown hair. Mike: Apparently, Ryu also has some Hill Giant in him too. Tom: Or Richard Kiel. > Ryu was a >master of many martial arts disciplines, holding black belts in >judo, tae kwan do, kung fu, karate, and kendo, or Japanese >fencing. Crow: As well as being a master of kiss-kwan-do. Tom: Huh. Betcha he still can't do a Windsor knot. > Only a few months ago he resigned as a priest of the >legendary Shaolin Temple to be involved in what Sumito termed >"Project Iron Fist." > Mike: It was a project to make a new type of soft soap. >Ryu started to speak in his clear, enthusiastic voice: > Tom: [Ryu] Ladies and Gentlemen of the Class of 1999, wear sunscreen. >"I've been checking the progress of the prototype, and most >ground tests have been completed. Crow: [Ryu] But since it's supposed to fly we'll just ignore that part. > It is expected that the >prototype will be fitted with a full compliment of Sidewinder >missiles for target practice; Tom: Let's hope they don't lock onto any Iraqi fighter jets. Crow: Or Scottish groundskeepers either. > once they are loaded, we will >launch our plan to hijack the prototype and start our attack on >Tokyo. Mike: [Ryu] After all, Japan will surely surrender after being strafed by one plane. Crow: They must have developed this plan in France. > Once we have the civilian government in submission, the >New Imperial Rule Assistance Association will embark on a new era >for Japan, Tom: A Funk-a-riffic DISCO era! With leisure suits and afros for everyone! > and once again we will earn the respect of the world. Crow: [Ryu] Our single plane will pound into submission all countries who refuse to respect us! And if that doesn't work, we'll go up to their leaders and start kickin' major shin! >All hail to our leader, Amazana Yoriko. BANZAI!" > Crow: The Hong Kong Cavaliers looked around, couldn't find their leader, and then went back to their poker game. Tom: Perhaps he's still fighting the World Crime League. >After five shouts of "BANZAI!", the meeting adjourned. Yoriko >went back to her office, where Dr. Helmut Vander Helffen was >awaiting her; Tom: Chief Researcher in Charge of Mid-European Mad Scientist Stereotypes. > he looked middle-aged with black hair and >spectacles; he was wearing a brown double-breasted suit. > Tom: Wow. Lots of breast references so far. Crow: The author must have a thing for 'em. Mike: [muttering] Look who's talking. >"It's time for your next pill," was all he said. Mike: Oh dear. Placebo addicts. I've seen this before. Crow: And it ain't pretty. Tom: Come on, guys. Dr. Header Van Damme is obviously providing us with ominous foreshadowing. Mike & Crow: Ohhhhh. > >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- >Tsukino Ikuko was doing what she usually did every morning: Mike: Preparing a healthy breakfast and trying to take over the world! Crow: I got my bookcase at Ikukos. Mike: You're thinking of Ikea. Crow: Oh. >trying to get her oldest daughter Usagi out of bed: > >"Usagi, you lazy bastard! Tom: [Usagi] What, you pathetic dickweed? Mike: Ah, the joys of a mother's love. Crow: Um? Bastard? > Get out of bed now!" > >Luna, Usagi's pet cat, was jolted out of her sleep by Ikuko's >yelling. She hissed and scratched Usagi's nose. > Mike: Why? Cuz she felt like it, that's why! >"OW!", shrieked Usagi. > >"Usagi! Crow: Yojimbo! > It's time to get up for school!," began Luna. "You are >so lazy it's pathetic!" > Mike: Hence, the previous lazy bastard comment. Crow: Bastard? Mike: Just accept it, Crow. It's probably going to get a lot worse. >"I already have Mom on my case, Luna," shrieked Usagi; "I don't >need to hear it from you as well!" > Crow: [Usagi] Damn talking alien cats. Always on my case. She's a jerk, right Mr. Clock? Tom: [Mr. Clock] Right-o, Usagi! >With a deft movement, Usagi took off her pajamas and raced to her >closet--wearing nothing but her panties-- Crow: -as a hat- > to grab a bra. She >began to pack up her briefcase. > Crow: You know, nothing gets those creative juices flowing better than a good ol' "tribute." >"You know, I think that peeping Tom from across the street is >looking at you again!", chuckled Luna. > Mike: [sternly] Servo... Tom: It wasn't me! I have the internet for that sort of thing. >Usagi shrieked and drew down the curtains. > Mike: [Usagi] That's just for me, my doctor, and the future Mr. Ricky Martin Ikuko! >"Luna, you really get on my nerves at times," yelled Usagi at >Luna. > Mike: This is Luna's revenge for her not getting Luna that new "Fresh Step" kitty litter. >Luna replied, "Hey, I deserve a good laugh once in a while!" > Crow: Oh, that was supposed to be funny! [All laugh uncomfortably for a few seconds.] >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- > >Kenji, Ikuko's husband, and their son, Shingo, were already at >the breakfast table. Tom: [Shingo, sarcastic] So what's for breakfast? Oh, high expectations and repressed emotion, how different. > Kenji was reading the "Yorimuri Shimbun" >when he noticed an interesting article. > Mike: [Kenji] Ten Easy Questions to find out if Your Daughter is a Sailor Senshi? Hmmmm....... >"Hey, what about those Giants!," he exclaimed; "one more win and >they clinch the Japan Series!" > Crow: [Shingo] Hopefully, that jerk Steinbrenner Hidako won't break up the team afterwards. >"Wonderful, dear," was all his wife said rather abstractly. > Mike: Parents should engage a child's interests, to more effectively crush them. >"Man, Usagi's gonna get it big time from Ms. Sakurada if she's >late again," Shingo proclaimed. > Tom: IfyaknowwhatImean! >As if to confirm that remark, Usagi ran downstairs, clad in her >seifuku, gulped down a glass of milk, Mike: Got high-speed milk? > wolfed down a piece of >toast, and dashed out the door like the devil before anyone >noticed. Crow: Yup, that's pretty fast alright. > She was several steps down the road when a car horn >blared, and a familiar red car pulled up besides her. > Mike: [Usagi] Sigh. Hi Starsky. Hi Hutch. Tom: [Starsky] Hi Usagi! You need a lift to school today? Mike: [Usagi] No thanks. Crow: [Hutch] Quick! There's a drug deal going down on 5th ! Tom: [Starsky] Let's roll! >"Usagi! Get in! It's the only way you'll make it on time for >your first class!," a voice shouted to her. > Mike: [Usagi] Oh, thank you Magic Voice! >Usagi knew that voice rather well. Crow: It was Barry White. > It was her boyfriend, Chiba >Mamoru. Tom: The sky over his head was like a TV tuned to a dead channel. > As Usagi got in, she noticed two other persons in the >car: Mike: Christopher Lloyd and Mary Stewart Masterson? Crow: Rockford and Angel? Tom: Mistretta and Galano? > her friend Mizuno Ami, the smartest student in class, and >Chiba-Usa, Usagi and Mamoru's daughter from the future. Crow: Uh-huh. So the kid's named after both of them. I'm doubly revolted. Tom: Another reason to be glad Mo Gaffney and Ron Howard never mated. > Chiba- >Usa had spent the night at Ami's house. > Tom: After all, there's nothing teenage girls like more than to have a sleepover with a five year old. Mike: I feel like this fanfic should have come with a flowchart. >"Running late again, I see," Chiba-Usa said in her holier-than- >thou attitude. > Mike: [Usagi] Just because you made Pope at 13 is no reason to get all holier than thou, young future lady! >"Put a sock in it, Chiba-Usa!", replied Usagi. > Crow: [Usagi] If you don't shape up, I'll send you to bed without supper in the future! >"Usagi, you should really get up earlier," Ami started. "It's >part of doing well in school." > Mike: Except in college. >"Ami's got a point there, Usako," Mamoru added. "Your grades >aren't that great. With the big exams coming up, you've got to >do better." > Tom: You are WORTHLESS and BAD, Sailor Moon! SHAME! Mike: Yeah, thanks MOM. Crow: Sheesh, now I know this is Sailor Moon. >Usagi groaned. > >"Speaking of tests," Ami said, "I figure you'd be the first ones >to learn about some exciting news I got yesterday." > >"What?," Usagi asked. > Crow: [Ami] The rabbit died! Mike: [Mamoru] What? Usgai's dead? Tom: [Usagi] But I'm right here! Crow: [Ami] Oh, skip it. >"I found out that I've been accepted for my pre-med studies in >Germany," gushed Ami; Crow: [wartime newsreel voice] Germany: World leader in turning giggling Japanese girls into doctors. > "At long last, I can begin my studies to >become a pediatrician like my mother! I leave in four days." > Tom: [Ami] I'll finally be free! Free I tell you, free! >Usagi was at first speechless. > Crow: This is now my favorite part of the whole story! >"Congratulations!," Mamoru said. "I know that you've been >looking forward to this for a long time." > >"But what about the Sailor Senshi?," Usagi said as she recovered >from the shock of the announcement. "You're the brains of the >team!" > Mike: That's just how bad the situation is, folks! >"Not to worry, Usagi," Ami began. "I've got that covered. Luna >and Artemis have been working on transferring my powers to >another person. Crow: So cats have the power of attorney in Japan? Mike: This explains a lot. > The Sailor Senshi will still be at full strength >while I'm gone." > >"Who do you have in mind?," Chibi-Usa asked. > Tom: [Ami] Emilio Estevez. He'll look good in a fuku. Crow: [mumbling] I always get in trouble for saying things like 'fuku'... >"Let's just say that she's as intelligent as I am," Ami teased. > Tom: So... A vole? A lamp post? A sea cucumber? What? >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- > >The calls to prayer wafted in the air in Beirut. Crow: Wow, this fanfic must have one heck of a travel budget! > In a >nondescript building, however, there was something sinister >afoot. Mike: It's a Fox Network programming meeting! All: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! > The local branch of Islamic Jihad [All snicker.] Tom: "The local branch"? They franchise terrorists now? Crow: They're the Dunkin' Donuts of fundamentalism. > was meeting to >formulate their next terrorist attack. > Crow: So, it's decided then. Our next target is the Wetzel's Pretzels at Westboro Mall. Mike & Tom: Agreed. >The Imam Al-Kabaz, the leader of the branch, Tom: Lord of the root, God of the leaves... > was clad in a black >robe and had a long black beard. He arose to speak. > Mike: [Irish] Well, begum and begorrah! If it tisn't a glorious day to be in the IRA! [stops] Wait, this isn't 54 Pine Street! > "It is time to strike fear into the heart of the Great Satan!" Tom: Herzog? >he began; "In four days will be the great football game between >Highland and Lawndale High Schools. Tom: Army vs. Navy. USC vs. UCLA. Harvard vs. Yale. Lawndale vs. Highland. Crow: It just doesn't have the same ring, does it? > We will seize control of the >JAL flight from Tokyo to Berlin, divert it to Lawndale and blow >up a nuclear device as the plane flies over the football field." Mike: Oh lord. Crow: Ladies and gentlemen, the stupidest terrorists in history. >The Imam turned to Akbar el-Salaam, a grungy Palestinian in >combat fatigues, Crow: Well, here we are now - entertain us. Tom: "Akbar el-Salaam" is Arabic for "Oscar Madison". > and said, "Brother Akbar, it is Allah's will >that you carry out this mission. Mike: [Imam] You will open a Tofu Hut with your lover Jeff. But beware the one-eared bunny! > You will leave on the next >flight to Tokyo in about an hour. ALLAH AKBAR!" > All: We pledge ourselves to Big Fire! >The cries of "ALLAH AKBAR!" were repeated twenty times running. > Crow: Ironically, Akbar's flight gets hijacked by terrorists. >----------------------------------------------------------------- Mike: [pointing] Who's line is that, anyway? >--------------------------------------------------------------- > >He can still remember it all like it was just yesterday. Tom: o/~ Paaarking by the lake and there was not another car in sight... o/~ Mike: Tom? Can we skip the Meatloaf for this misting? Please? Tom: I'll try. But we've got a long road ahead of us. > It was >one of those memories you can't really shake off. > Crow: Oh. Deja glue! [Mike and Tom shake their heads and groan.] >He was on patrol in the Sea of Japan, off the coast of Sakhalin >Island. He was squadron leader for a flight of five F-4EJ >Phantom II jet fighters for the Japan Air Self Defense Force. Mike: Here's the brave World War One Flying Ace in his Sopwith camel, scouring the hillsides of Normandy for a sign of the plot. >The Phantom jets were showing their age but were still a reliable >part of the force. Mike: They had flown from their Skull Mountain base to meet with Diana. > So far, it had been a pretty routine patrol. Crow: And those ideas are related how? >Suddenly, one of the pilots radioed him: > >"Maverick to Dragon, I've picked up something on the radar. It >looks like a Soviet Su-17." Crow: o/~ Su, Su-Seventeen! Just say the word! o/~ > Dragon was the squadron leader's >code name. > Mike: Well, officially. Behind his back, he was "Nancy Boy". >"Roger, Maverick," responded the squadron leader; "let's take a >look. Tom: We need one of those for the living room, over. > As long as they're on their side of the border, we >shouldn't expect any hostilities." > Mike: [Dragon] But knowing those damn Commies.... >"Roger, Dragon.", replied the first pilot. > Mike: Roger Dragon? The DC martial artist from the 1970s? Crow: Maybe his wingmen are Prez and Kamandi. >The squadron approached the location of the Su-17. However, it >turned out that this was no ordinary patrol. Crow: This patrol had the refreshing scent of lemon, for military readiness that's fresh as a country breeze! > A Korean Airlines >747 had somehow entered Soviet airspace. Crow: A Korean plane in Soviet space in the Sea of Japan? > An international >incident was in the making. > Tom: OK, maybe those that don't know history are doomed to repeat it. But at least they don't *haphazardly slap it into their little crossover!* >"Dragon to Ginzu, Mike: [Dragon] If I order before midnight tonight, will I still get the matching peeler/slicer, over? > find out what the Hell's going on here!," said >the squadron leader to another pilot. > Tom: Then he remembered to use the radio..... >The second pilot replied, "Ginzu to Dragon, I've got them fixed >on radar. I do know some Russian. Crow: [Ginzu] They're saying, "Blip... blip... blip...". Mike: [Dragon] That's the *radar* you clod! > The MiG's issuing a warning >to the KAL craft to clear out of Soviet space. Crow: No! They're gonna shoot down Baby Superman's rocket! > He's threatening >to fire." > Tom: Cal really shouldn't have taken his jet for a joyride over Russia. >Was it time to take action? Crow: Yes, do something already! > Every member of the SDF had been >instructed from day one that Article 9 of the Constitution >clearly stated that Japan was not to wage war. Mike: Really? Then why hasn't someone conquered them yet? Tom: They have to battle their way past Trixie and Chim-Chim first. Crow: Yeah, that monkey has beaten off three invasions from North Korea all by himself. > But now everyone >in the squad faced a dilemma: Do nothing and see hundreds >perish, or attack and risk international condemnation if they >were wrong? > Crow: Or, you could turn tail and run. >"Ginzu," the squadron leader ordered, "inform the MiG pilot that >if he fires weapons, our government will file a protest with the >United Nations." > Tom: After that, they might write a strongly worded letter to the Leningrad Times. >Tense moments passed. > Mike: Would Lenniger defeat the horrid ants? >"Dragon, he's ignoring me," Crow: So are the readers. > was the second pilot's reply. > >The next thing everyone saw was that the Su-17 fired an air-to- >air missile, blowing the KAL plane out of existence! > Tom: Except for all the flaming debris of course. Mike: [Dragon] Okay, buddy, you asked for it! Squadron ready annnd - WAG FINGERS IN DISAPPROVAL!!! >"This is Dragon to all units! Mike: [Dragon] Did anyone get the license plate?! > Return to base!," sharply ordered >the squadron leader. "We don't want to risk a dogfight with the >Su-17!" > Crow: [Dragon] We only outnumber him five to one! He'll surely kill us all! >Clearly as much as everyone wanted to avenge what they had just >seen, Crow: [wartime newsreel voice] Japan: Staunch defender of Korean civilian aircraft! > Article 9 was to be honored at all times. > Mike: Well then why even bother with the jet fighters? They're better off hang-gliding! Tom: Why the heck did Japan agree to that anyway? Crow: They lost a bet. If they had won, everyone in Sweden would be wearing sombreros right now. >When they had landed back at the base, news had already reached >everyone about what happened. An airman approached the squad >leader and handed him a list. > Mike: [airman] Here, check this twice. Find out who's naughty and who's nice. >"Lieutenant Torymura, you may want to see this; it's the list of >passengers," the airman said to him. > Tom: [Toryuma] Good lord! How many soccer teams were on this flight? >He took a quick look, and his stomach turned when he noticed two >names on the list. > Mike: [Toryuma] Mike Rotch and Amanda Hugginkiss? The hell?! >"Poor Makoto," was all he said. > Crow: Hmmm. I'm starting to feel left out of the plot. Tom: What plot? Crow: Good point. >A subsequent investigation cleared Lt. Torymura and his squadron >of negligence. Crow: They had sat around and done nothing with commendable aplomb! Mike: Later they got hired as paparazzi, tailing Princess Di. > Now a general, Torymura Keiichi was in charge of >the Neo-Zero project. He sat there at his desk, in his dress >green uniform, his hair grayed with the cares of a long military >career and time-carved wrinkles over his skin. Crow: It's General Halftrack-san! > But he's still >haunted by the awful memories of what happened fifteen years ago. Mike: [General] I feel a great disturbance in the force, as if a million voices cried out at once- >If only he-- > Crow: Hadn't let the Commies infect his bodily fluids? >A knock on the door interrupted his train of thought. Mike: [General] Damn! A loud noise! Aw, screw the voices, let'em cry to someone else. > Someone >entered his office. It was Ryu, now wearing a vermilion martial >artist's outfit. > Crow: Nah, that's probably just fresh blood. Tom: We can hope anyway. >"General, this is Special Agent Chang," he said. "I know when >the NIRAA will attempt to steal the prototype." > Tom: So instead of a plot, characters will just march and announce that plot-like elements have occurred off screen? Mike: Pretty much. >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- > >By Japanese standards, this was a rather brash way to start a >campaign in a by-election. Crow: Sure, the naked Spice Girls were a bit over the top, but it got people's attention. > Streamers were all over the banquet >hall, as well as posters, all with the same slogan: Crow: "Tanner in '88" > "Nagai >Kenji: For a New and Better Japan." Mike: A pachinko machine in every garage, and two violent porn comics in every bachelor's bedroom! > Nagai was already governor >of Tokyo Metropolitan Prefecture; he had stunned everyone at the >last gubernatorial election by winning the post running as a >member of the Komeito, or Clean Government Party, which had the >backing of the Soka Gakki sect of Buddhism. Mike: Oh, better write that down. I'm sure it'll be important later. Crow: They're that sect that believes that Bill Keane is the Buddha, right? > Now, he was in the >most ambitious campaign of his life: he was seeking the vacant >seat for Tokyo-to in the House of Representatives, the lower >house of the Japanese Diet. Tom: Isn't that the one where you only eat rice, beans, and jujy fruit? > His youthful looks belied his 45 >years, and was wearing a gray flannel suit. > Crow: His youthful looks were wearing a gray flannel suit? >Nagai stepped up to the podium and spoke: > >"Ladies and gentlemen: I hereby announce my candidacy for the >Komeito nomination for the empty seat in the House of >Representatives for Tokyo-to. Tom: [dully] Wow. What a stirring speech. > Our nation faces grave problems as >we near the new millennium. Crow: [Kenji] Why in the last year alone, Gamera attacks were up almost 300%! > Business as usual in our government- >-fostered by a Liberal Democratic government that has been in >control for over forty years--has led us to this crisis. Mike: It's Bob Dole-san. > We have >been the envy of East Asia--indeed in what is still called the >Third World--for turning so rapidly from an isolated, backwards >nation to one of the most modern, most technologically advanced >societies ever seen in human history. Crow: [Nagai] And one of the few governed successfully by children in upsetting short pants. > It would be a shame that >we, as a beacon of hope to those less developed, be extinguished >ourselves. We need new voices; we need fresh blood; Mike: [Nagai] We need *me*, is what I'm getting at. > we need to >admit our mistakes of the past; Crow: And we need one of those nice Oxo can openers! > we must lend a hand to those >nations less fortunate than ourselves. Reforms must be made in >our economy so that everyone that benefits can still do and even >include the small minority that do not. Tom: You wanna diagram that last sentence, Sparky? > We must be more open and >honest in trade with our international neighbors. Crow: [Nagai] We must admit that Pokemon is evil and that AIBOs aren't worth $2,500. > We must turn Japan >around before it's too late, Mike: And call it Napaj! > and I am the man to do it!" > Mike: [Nagai] You kids be quiet back there or I'll turn Japan right around and head back home. >The crowd roared its approval. > Bots: Wooo! Mike: Wow. I guess booking Kid Rock as Kenji's opening act was actually a good idea. >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- > >Lawndale was just one of your typical suburban American >communities. Crow: Well, aside from being animated. > At one rather well-appointed house lived the >Morgendorffers. Tom: But they're not important to our story. Let's continue on down the block to 121 Mockingbird Lane.... > It was just after dinner and eldest daughter >Daria had just went to her room; All: [Daria theme] o/~ La la, LA! La la! La la, LA! La la! o/~ > it was pretty unusual because >its walls were mostly padded, a holdover from the previous >owners, who kept their crazy aunt in there. Crow: [narrator] The aunt wrote bad crossover fanfiction, so they confined her to a padded room. > Posters of a >bleached skeleton in the desert and of exetensionalist author >Franz Kafka adorned the walls. Tom: Daria, as written by Quinn! > Daria had just logged on the >Internet. Crow: [Daria] I have to stop going to that "Hamsterdance" site. But they're so cute...! > Jane Lane, Daria's best friend, was sitting on Daria's >bed. > Mike: Writing Nocturnes. >"You've got mail!," chirped the computer. > Tom: And 400 of those pop-up ads. >"And you've got a stick up your ass!," quipped Daria in reply. > Mike: Ah, there's that Morgendorffer wit we all know and love! Tom: The part of Daria today will be played by Adam Sandler. >Jane snickered and then spat out, "That was a good one, Daria! >You go, girl!" > Tom: And the part of Jane Lane will be played by a random member of the Jenny Jones audience. >Daria looked at her e-mail messages. Some of it was spam for >hair tonic, get-rich-quick schemes, and pornography. Mike: The rest was just junk. > There even >was one sick individual who wanted a downloadable picture of >Daria in her underwear. > Mike: [Daria] I told Calvin Klein that I'm just not interested! >"That pervert!," Daria stated, " Who does he think I am, Linda >Lovelace?" Crow: And so our story comes to screeching halt as Daria checks her email. > >Jane shot back, "He probably confused you for some porno star." > Tom: Well, he did call her "Dareyata Moanendoher". >"Look at this one, Jane," said Daria in amazement. > Crow: [Daria] Microsoft will pay me money if I forward this email to everyone I know! >"Who's it from?," Jane inquired. > >Daria responded, "It's from my friend in Japan, Ami." > Mike: Bon Ami? The cleanser? Why would it be friends with you? >"What does it say?," Jane wanted to know. > Tom: "Why should I care?," Tom wondered. >Daria began to read it: > Mike: [Ami] Need crossover urgently. Leave your personality at home, will supply new one on arrival. >"It says: 'Come here quickly. This is important. I can't tell >you here. I'll explain everything when you arrive.'" > Crow: [Ami] Oh yeah, come alone and bring a rubber ducky. >"Better be careful, Daria," cautioned Jane, "Sometimes these >Internet-initiated face-to-face meetings get kinky." > Crow: Only if you're lucky. Heh-heh. >Daria replied, "Jane, Ami is not some pervert. We're both smart; Tom: And smart folks are always well-adjusted! Ask Professor Kaczynski! >we're both unappreciated with our classmates, Tom: [Daria] We're both incredibly, unbelievably modest... > and we both have to >put up with geeks." > Mike: And freaks too! And that chubby guy at the leisure suit store! >"You mean Japan has its own version of Upchuck?," said Jane in >amazement. > Crow: Sure, didn't you see the "Gamera" movies? Kid named Kenny? >"Yep. His name is Gurio," Daria said; Tom: Guerin-o? Mike: No, Goosio! The delightful Maltese goose who teaches children- Crow: [interrupting, annoyed] Mike, will you let that go, please?! We said we were sorry! And you got a free dinner out of it! Mike: Oh, right! Yeah. Tasted like chicken. Very comforting. > "The sick part is he's got >a rather pretty, good-natured girlfriend named Naru." > Crow: [Daria] That's so icky I don't even want to think about it! >"Better call 'Sick Sad World' and tell them you've got a scoop >for them!," snickered Jane. > >"Well, we'd better tell Mom and Dad about this," stated Daria. > Crow: Oh! Oh this must be that special joke-free episode of "Daria" they did when the writers went on strike! Tom: Keep dreaming. >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- > >The entire Morgendorffer family was gathered in the living room. Crow: Inspector Poirot was about to reveal the identity of the killer. >Jake and Helen, Daria's parents, were on the couch while Daria, >Jane and Quinn, Mike: Jane's part of the family now? > Daria's sister, were on another couch next to the >adjacent wall. Crow: Wow! Look how much bigger the room seems now that they've removed the story ! Tom: It's the mark of a true artiste. > Quinn was wearing that stupid smiley face T-shirt >and her red miniskirt she once wore to seduce Kevin Thompson, Tom: The Wisconsin governor? > the >star quarterback for Lawndale High. > Tom: Oh. >"Quinn, if that skirt had a slit in it, people would compare you >Ashley Judd," Daria said. > Crow: Then your husband will probably fake his death and you'll have to shoot him in front of Tommy Lee Jones. Mike: And two years after that, no one will return your calls. >"Daria! Give me a break!," Quinn replied. > >"Anyway, your friend Ami wants you to go see her in Tokyo right >away, Daria?", Helen asked. > Crow: [Daria] Yup, someone off the net wants to meet me in another country on the other side of the planet. I'm already packed and ready to go! Oh, but she wants pictures of me in my underwear. Dad, do you have your Polaroid handy? Tom: Anybody else having trouble with this? >"Yes, she did, Mom," was Daria's response. > Mike: Thanks for clarifying that, I wasn't sure at first! >"This is rather unusual, Daria," said Helen in concern; "You'll >miss the big game against Highland." > Crow: [Helen] You know how much you like those football game corndogs.... >"Oh, whoopee!," shot back Daria; Tom: Isn't she supposed to be wittier or is it this story? Mike: Guess which one I'm betting on. > "I'll just miss my old nemeses >Beavis and Butt-Head. Tom: Namedropper! I suppose you'll miss your old nemeses Baby Huey and Felix the Cat, too! Mike: Boy, the crossovers are startin' to pile up like old newspapers here. > I hated it when those two called me >'Diarrhea, cha-cha-cha!'". > Crow: At this point, Beavis & Butthead might actually be a step *up*. Tom: Careful what you wish for, Crow. Crow: *gulp!* >"Oh, Daria, boys will be boys!," Jake answered. "Heck, I >probably didn't do any worse than they did when I was their age." > Tom: [Jake] I was quite the little hellraiser in my youth. Why, I practically invented "Mary Mary Can't Eat Dairy"! >"Jake, how dare you defend those two!," Helen roared. Mike: o/~ In the suburbs, the quiet suburbs, the Helen roars tonight. o/~ > "Those two >are so perverted they make Larry Flint look like Mahatma Gandhi!" > Crow: Oh. So they're like Marv Albert. >"But, Honey--," began Jake > >Helen silenced him by roaring, "SHUT UP, JAKE!" > Mike: No, it's Wesley. Tom: Huh? Mike: Sorry. Reflex action. >"Yes, Dear!," was Jake's meekish reply. > >"Well, I guess if it's OK with the school," Helen said, "it's OK >with me. Crow: The principal screamed to the high heavens, but the building itself had no objections per se. > I always thought going to foreign countries helps to >broaden one's horizons." > Mike: [Helen] Of course, I always used to think that way about LSD, too.... >"I think there's an opening in our foreign exchange program, Mom. Tom: [Daria] It's to Turkey, but I think I have enough frequent flyer miles to upgrade. >I'll ask," Daria replied. > >"Oh, Honey, you're going to like this!," Helen said. > Tom: And if she doesn't, she's outta the will! >"Then again, I could live to regret it," warned Daria. > Crow: I know we are! >"What will happen if Beavis and Butt-Head notice that you're not >at the game? Mike: They'll just have to ask everyone about the score, and then snicker constantly? > They'll pick on me! What will I do?," Quinn >shrieked. > Crow: Just toss them a shiny object. That should keep them busy for a while. >"Keep your legs crossed," Daria sneered. > Crow: It's a Playskool story. All sharp edges removed! >Jane snickered sinisterly over that remark. > Tom: And here we have a classic example of the brainless yes-man, moving right along.... >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- > >At an underground bunker right beneath the Lawndale Gun Club, the >Lawndale Militia was meeting. Anthony Corlew, the commander, >rose to speak. > Mike: Dearly beloved... we are gathered here today to get through this thing called life! >"Gee, Commander, what are we going to do tonight?", asked a >member named Poindexter. > Tom: Well, rip off more talented creative artists, it would seem. >"The same thing we do every night, Poindexter: Crow: [Corlew] Try to steal Felix's magic bag! > Try to take over >Lawndale!," said Anthony. > Mike: Um - ha? Ha? >With that out of the way, Tom: Oh, you mean the comedy relief's over? Crow: When did it start? > he continued: > >"'Operation In Your Face' is proceeding as scheduled. Mike: What, radial keratotomy? > As >everyone knows, the whole town will turn out for the big game >against Highland. Crow: [Corlew] Hospitals, Nursing Homes, Orphanages - everything will be emptied in honor of the sacred f'ball game! > During that time, we will launch a blitzkrieg >attack and take over city hall, the police station Mike: ...several pubs and taverns... > and the >courthouse. Crow: But lay off Baskin Robbins! I have a coupon! > We will strike at half-time. Tom: When the town is in the can. > We've got all our >firepower ready. In four days, Lawndale will be ours!" > Crow: Well, at least this story is culturally balanced. Mike: Yeah, it has stupid Japanese, Arabic *and* American bad guys! >Roars of approval echoed throughout the bunker. Mike: Man, all this just to circumvent Lawndale's prohibitive leash laws. Crow: Well, you can't get dog owners mad, Mike. They go nuts. > >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- > >Nakajimi Tetsuo was going down a street in Shinjuku. Crow: If he's being chased by a guy named Levih, I'm leaving. > He was >about five and a half feet tall with raven black hair and wore a >dark blue suit. Tom: He's one of Tom Wolfe's "Masters of the Universe". Mike: Wait, this is Japan. Shouldn't we be using the metric system? > He had a good job as a stockbroker, but visions >of a terrible past still haunted him: > Crow: His years as "official babe troller" for the New Kids On The Block had left their scars! >"We are the Mecha-Dominion! We will absorb your world into our >realm! Mike: We are the Starbucks collective! You will be assimilated into our rich distinctive blend! > Rebellion against us is useless!" Then the screams of >slaughter. > Tom: So, was this when he was still a stockbroker or...? Mike: Tom, they aren't kidding when they talk about "hostile takeovers." >But now a new, more terrible vision filled his mind. Mike: [Tetsuo] Aaaaaaah!!!! No more "Old Navy" ads!!! > A jet >fighter coming out of nowhere. Missiles firing at landmark >buildings. Fire everywhere. Bodies scattered in every >direction. > Mike: Larry King on every channel! No! >Tetsuo stopped. "Tokyo is in danger!," he exclaimed. > >----------------------------------------------------------------- Crow: [grandly] This looks like a job for- Day Traderman! [less grandly] Right after I check the overseas markets... I'll just be a minute, I swear... Tom: Let's get outta here before Prince of Space shows up. Crow: Wow. I wonder what he's doing these days? Mike: [picking Tom up] Probably bootblacking. I heard he like it very much. Crow: By the way, Mike. We've got a surprise for you out on the bridge. Mike: Um, okay, I guess. [The trio exits] [1. . . 2. . . 3. . . 4. . . 5. . . 6. . . ] [Bridge] [A large tarp covers the back wall of the Bridge. After a moment, a blindfolded Mike is led in by Tom and Crow.] Mike: Okay, guys. What's this big secret that you want to show me? Crow: Well, Tom and I have been working on something in our off time here on the satellite, and I think that you'll really enjoy it. Tom: Okay! Here we are! And... um, Mike? We can't reach your blindfold... Mike: I've got it. [Mike removes his blindfold as the bots gesture at the back wall.] Mike: Wow. A tarp. Well, I'm impressed. Crow: No! Not the tarp. *Behind* the tarp. Tom: Can you take care of the tarp, Mike? We've got those non-functioning limbs... Mike: Oh, all right. [Mike grabs hold of a rope near the tarp and gives the rope a tug. The tarp falls away, revealing a large door.] Mike: Okay, a door is a bit more impressive than the tarp was... Tom: Mike, it's not just a door. It's the door to a brand new land of pleasure and excitement for us! Crow: That's right, Mikey. For Tom and I have built us a brand new... Bots: [Dramatically] HOLOGAZEBO! [Mike is silent for a moment.] Mike: A hologazebo? Crow: Yes! Mike: Is that similar to a holodeck? Tom: You betcha! See, Crow and I got the plans from a Star Trek website... Mike: ARE YOU TWO INSANE? [The bots are quiet for a moment.] Crow: Well, no... Tom: My self-diagnostics indicate that everything is okey-dokey. Mike: Let me get this straight. You two have built, on the satellite, the one thing on Star Trek that malfunctioned practically every time it appeared?! Crow: Um, yes. Mike: And you think this is a good thing?! Tom: Come on, Mike. Think of it as a miniature Dream Park, right here on the SoL. Mike: Uh-huh. And how many time in those books is someone murdered in the Park? Crow: Mike, this won't malfunction. After all, Tom and I built it! Mike: Fine. Let's try a little test, shall we? Crow, why don't you boot up the most non-threatening program that you can think of? Crow: Okay. Computer? [The computer's voice responds, sounding a great deal like Christopher Walken.] Computer: [V.O.] Working. [Mike stares at the bots.] Tom: The Majel Barret voice module was sold out. [Mike shrugs and Crow resumes speaking.] Crow: Computer, run program "Fluffy, Fuzzy Bunnies have a picnic." Computer: [V.O.] Affirmative. Mike: Okay. Now watch. [Mike walks over to the command console, bends down and picks up a red, rubber ball. He hold it up for the bots to see, then walks over to the door to the hologazebo, which slides open with a "swoosh" SFX. Happy sounding, slightly tinny music pours in from the hologazebo, along with the sounds of laughter. Mike casually tosses the ball into the hologazebo. Suddenly, sounds of unbearable violence can be heard from the inside of the hologazebo.] Tom: Ick. I've never seen rubber bleed before. Crow: Come on, Mike. Clearly the Fluffy, Fuzzy Bunnies were provoked by that threatening object. Mike: Okay, new test. Crow, I'm going to throw you into the hologazebo to make contact with the bunnies... Crow: All right. It's a deathtrap. Is that what you wanted to hear? [sobbing] Did you really want to smash a little bot's dreams? We just wanted to help, is that so wrong? [The fiction sign begins to flash merrily.] Mike: Look, we'll discuss this later. Right now, WE'VE GOT MISERY SIGN! [Mike hits the light and the door sequence begins.] [6 . . . 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . ] >--------------------------------------------------------------- > >Data 2: Ms. Morgendorffer Goes to Tokyo > Crow: While Debbie Does Dublin! >Lawndale International Airport was kind of lonely at this time of >day. Tom: It could use a pick-me-up bouquet. > Except for a few Hare Krishnas here and there, not too many >people were in the lobby. > Crow: They had all joined the crew in the cockpit for margaritas. >"Now, Daria, did you pack some clean underwear like I asked you >to?," Helen asked. > >"Yes, Mother," Daria answered > Crow: [Helen] Did you remember your teddy bear? Tom: [Daria] Yes.... Crow: [Helen] You aren't listening to me are you? Tom: [Daria] Yes.... >"Daria," Quinn asked, "Could you bring back one of those kimonos >for me, please?" > Mike: [Quinn] Ooh! And one of those talking toilets too! >"Quinn," Daria stated, those kimonos are pretty damn expensive." > Tom: Oh come on! Where's that dry-as-a-desert Daria wit?! Crow: Yeah, like "Why don't I get you something more authentically Japanese? Like mercury poisoning?" >"Pretty please?," Quinn whined. > >"C'mon, Daria," Jake said, "this is probably going to be the only >time you'll ever get to go to Japan." > Mike: [Daria] Dad, they sell them at Pier 1. Crow: [Quinn] And that sex shop on 5th... Whoops. >"OK, OK," Daria said, resignedly; "if I see one at a reasonable >price, I'll get one for you." > >"Thanks, Daria!," chirped Quinn > Mike: [grandly] She agrees to buy souvenirs! [sings Daria theme] o/~ La la, LA-la la! o/~ >Besides Daria and her family, there was Jane, and the only two >friends in Lawndale High School they had, Crow: Booze and denial! > Jodie Landon and >Michael Jordan Mackenzie, or Mack for short. > Tom: G'day, eh? Where's the beer? >"If there's any airheads at the high school you're going to, >Daria, heckle them for me," Mike: Well, that takes care of Usagi right off the bat. > Jane said. "And see if they've got a >Japanese version of 'Sick Sad World' over there." > Crow: Heck, the entire Japanese lineup could be shown on SSW! >"Right," responded Daria. > Tom: [Jane] Left, sir. >"Have a nice time over there," Jodie added. "Let me know what >you think of the sushi." > Mike: [Daria] Well, I think it's pretty much raw fish and rice. >""I've got a cousin at an American base not too far from Tokyo. >Maybe you can look him up," Mack said as he gave Daria a slip of >paper. > Crow: A fortune! You will go to Japan and be trapped in a goofy crossover! In bed! >"I'll try my best, Mack," Daria answered. > >The airport PA system announced that the flight to Tokyo would >soon be boarding. > Mike: [PA] Flight 101, now boarding children, pregnant women, and poorly drawn animated characters on Runway 6. Crow: [Daria] Well, that's me guys. >"You'd better get on board, Daria," Helen said. > Tom: [Helen] If you don't, you'll regret it. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon and for the rest of your life! >"Right," Daria said. " Bye, everyone. I'll write often." > Tom: [Daria] To remind you how my superiority over the lot of you pathetic, non-angsty losers continually depresses me. >With that Daria hugged her family and friends, and went down the >gate. > Mike: Um, when was the last time Daria hugged *anything*? Crow: When she was 4 - her teddy bear, "Ennui". >"Man, I really envy Daria right now," Quinn said. "She's going >to Japan and I have to go to the big game in three days and put >up with Beavis and Butt-Head." > Mike: Well, don't go to the game then, geez.... >As if there couldn't be anyone dumber than those two, Kevin >Thompson, the star quarterback for Lawndale High, and his >girlfriend, head cheerleader Brittany Taylor, appeared. Crow: I detect juuust a bit of hostility against these two from the author. Mike: Really? Crow: Yeah, it might be too subtle for most people to pick up though. > Kevin >was wearing his football uniform (which he wore everywhere) Tom: Even to church. Even to sleep. Even to sleep in church. > while >Brittany was in her cheerleader uniform, which showed how well >endowed (and stupid) she was. > Tom: That's some uniform! Crow: I bet it even tells us her real hair color! >"Hey, what's up, everyone?," Brittany asked as she twirled her >hair around her finger. > Mike: She shouldn't play with her wig like that - it makes it really noticeable. >"Daria just left for Japan," Jake said. > Mike: [Kevin] Yay! Crow: [Jake] But she's coming back. Mike: [Kevin] Oh, damn. >"Hey, I hear Japan's a pretty cool country," Kevin said. > Crow: [Kevin] They got Indians, right? >"But not as cool as you, Kevin," gushed Brittany as she hugged >Kevin. > Tom: [wistful] Wow, Mike, I'll bet this takes you back to the first time you fell deeply in love with a comely young girl who dumped you for the school jock! Mike: [same] Yeah, lotta good mem- [stops] hey! >"Aw, gee, Cupcake!," Kevin replied. Crow: You're such a good hostess! Ha! Hostess! Because I called you cupcake! > "Anyway, when's the next >drill, Mack Daddy?" > Mike: [Mack] Sears has theirs on sale next week. >"Kevin," Mack said, "For the last time, don't call me 'Mack >Daddy'! I hate that name!" > Tom: [mother] Oh, Mack dearie. If you show them it bothers you, it just encourages him! >"OOPS! Sorry!", Kevin gasped. > Crow: [Yul Brynner] I'm dead now. Don't smoke. But if you do, be sure to ask your local video store for "The King and I", now out on DVD! >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- > >Narita Airport (or New Tokyo International Airport, as it was >officially known) was hopping when Daria arrived. Crow: Trying to work off some of that holiday paunch, I see. > Already jet >lag was taking its toll on her. She looked like she'd been >through a war. > Tom: Specifically the War of the Nerds. Crow: [nerdy] You nimrod! Jadzia is way cooler than Ezri! Mike: [nerdy] Die! >"They're right," Daria muttered to herself, "Airline food is >lousy!" Mike: She repeats a tired cliché! o/~ La la, LA-la la! o/~ > She did look disheveled. Crow: Thank you for pointing that out....repeatedly! > She didn't sleep too well on >the flight. Tom: This kid with a really big forehead kept kicking the back of her seat. > Her hair was a wreck, her olive drab jacket was >scrunched up, her black skirt was hiked up, Tom: Heh. I can see her un-Daria-wear. Whoo! Mike: Don't force it, Tom. > and one of the laces >on her combat boots was untied. Tom: And she suddenly felt a vestigial nipple in her left armpit. > Just then, she walked right into >someone. > Tom: AHHH!!! She's a demon! Mike: Daria's real problem is she's overly *possessive!* [waves his hand] Thank you! I'm here all week! >"A thousand pardons to you, Madam!," said the stranger. > >"Up yours!," Daria yelled back. > Crow: Daria Morgendorffer: International Ambassador of Goodwill. >Daria didn't know it, but she bumped into the person who was >going to nuke Lawndale in three days time. > Mike: It just goes to show you, always be polite. Or else someone might nuke your hometown for your rudeness. >Akbar went up to a rent-a-car counter and rented a Toyota Corolla >2-door. Crow: [Akbar] Ah yes! Good model! Lots of storage for nitrogen-based fertiliz- DAH, I mean, toast! Much room for toast! Mike: And the author sneaks in some product placement to earn a few extra bucks. > He then went to a pay phone to book a room at a nearby >motel. > Tom: [Akbar] Please not to give me room near American devils Mulder and Scully! I need my sleep! >"In three days time," Akbar said to himself, "The Great Satan >will have his war brought home to him!" > Crow: In 30 minutes or it's free! >Daria, meanwhile, was surprised to see a chauffeur standing with >a card that said "Morgendorffer" on it. > Tom: That's a really big card.... >"Are you Ms. Daria Morgendorffer?," asked the chauffeur. > >"Yes, and who might you be, the welcoming committee from Hell?" > Mike: [droll] Yes. You may call me the Chauffeur of the Flies. >"Your sense of humor is sharp," Crow: Like a beachball. Tom: I was leaning toward Patrick Stewart's head myself. Mike: I'm still waiting for her to be witty. > the chauffeur said, "but I was >sent at the request of Mizuno Ami, your friend. She told me to >take you directly to Sendai Hill Shrine. It was important." > Tom: Wait a minute, how can Ami afford a limo? Mike: Merchandising? Crow: Sales of Sailor Moon brand jeans are up 400% this year! >"Lead the way," Daria said. "Things couldn't get much worse. Crow: o/~ I have to admit, it's getting better! A little better... o/~ >After all, the food was lousy, and I didn't sleep well at all." > Tom: [Daria] And your culture is a more disturbing than an Uncle Duke fever dream. >"Right this way," the chauffeur said. > Crow: If I could right that way, I wouldn't *need* the talcum powder! Mike: [chauffeur] Would you like the radio? We have Gamera News, Godzilla News, Mothra News, and Country 101.6. >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- > >"Ami," Hino Rei, the miko of Sendai Hill Shrine Crow: Sounds like a Cypress Hill/Wu Tang Clang crossover. > began to say, >"you'd better have a good reason why you asked all of us to be >here right now! You interrupted me right in the middle of shrine >services!" > Tom: [Rei] You think being this bitchy comes naturally?! >"This won't take long," Ami promised. "As you know, in three >days, I leave for Germany. However, the Sailor Senshi won't be >undermanned. Mike: [Ami] Er, girled. > I got someone coming who will take my place while >I'm gone." > Crow: [Ami] Don't be alarmed if she brings her Eva. >"This better be worth it," Kino Makoto added, "since the last >time you were planning to go to Germany, you changed your mind at >the last minute." > Tom: [Makoto] You really put a damper on our 'Ami's Gone' party you know! >"Yeah," Usagi added, "and Mamoru had dumped me!" > >"AHEM!," Mamoru cleared his throat. > >"OOPS! Sorry!," Usagi gasped. > Crow: Um, what just happened here? Tom: Damn, parallelism again! X-men/Star Trek was bad enough! >"I'm pretty sure that the person you will meet will live up to >everyone's expectations," Artemis said. "Ami said that she was >as smart as she is." > Mike: But not as 'talented'. Crow: I'll say! >"Great," moaned Aino Minako, "another egghead who prefers curling >up with a good book instead of going to the movies with a guy! >Don't eggheads like you have lives, Ami?" > Tom: Hoo boy..... Crow: Someone doesn't quite grasp the meaning of "Friendship" do they? >"And what do you mean by that remark, Minako?," Ami demanded. > Mike: [Minako] That you're an egghead who prefers curling up with a good book instead of going to the movies with a guy! But don't take it personally or anything. >"Now, now, ladies," Luna said, "Let's not get hot under the >collar! Crow: Your fans want you hot somewhere else, if the e-mail's any indication. > I'm pretty sure all will work out for the best." > Crow: [Luna] At least it isn't one of those SI people.... >Just then, Daria arrived. She introduced herself rather curtly: > Tom: Which, to be fair, was her normal tone of voice. >"Hello. My name is Daria Morgendorffer. All: [Sailor Senshi] *GAI-JIN!!!* > I'm from Lawndale, USA. Mike: [Daria] My turn-ons are black-and-white movies, long walks by moonlight, and candlewax dripped slowly on my bare, arching back. My turn-offs... >I just had one Hell Tom: (TM), of course. Mike: Back out of the Looniverse, guys. > of a flight, my stomach's upset from the >airline food, I didn't sleep well, Crow: [Daria] And apparently I've been subjected to a complete humorectomy. > and I've got a short temper. >So let's cut the crap and get down to business." > Mike: [Daria] Who's the hit? >Usagi swallowed with a loud "ULP!" > Tom: Usagi is Popeye? Crow: Yep. She's Popeye the Sailor-moon! *toot* Mike: Just what we need, anime of a schoolgirl reaching down the front of her dress. >Ami knew she had to defuse the situation quickly. > Mike: [Ami] Perhaps booze will alleviate this situation? >"Well, Daria, I'm sorry that your flight didn't go too well," Ami >began to say; "Please, let me introduce you to my friends. Crow: 2 hours later, we finally learn who these people are! > The >one with the long blonde ponytails is Tsukino Usagi. Crow: Her likes are: Mamoru, food, sleep, and shiny objects. Tom: Her hates are: Chibi-Usa, self-insertion characters, Chibi-Usa, and thinking. > The black- >haired lady in the white robe and red hakama is Hino Rei, the >miko of this shrine. Crow: [Ami] You guys can say hello any time! Feel free! Mike: I wish I had a clue of what a miko is. > The girl with the auburn ponytail is Kino >Makoto. Bots: WAR EAGLE!!! > The other blonde with the bow in her hair is Aino >Minako. Tom: The devil with the blue dress, blue dress, blue dress, devil with the blue dress on is a way cool Mitch Ryder tune. > The girl with long dark green hair is Meiou Setsuna. Mike: [Ami] And what a tale we have to tell about how she got that! >The one with the short, dirty blond hair is Ten'ou Haruka. Tom: [Haruka] Yours isn't that clean either! Mike: I hope you're getting this, there's a quiz next period. > The >girl with the green hair is Kaiou Michiru. Crow: [Michiru] Ami, I protest! We Sailor Senshi are complex characters with depth and emotion that cannot be described by just hair colors! Tom: [Ami] Oh? Crow: [Michiru] Well... all right, but you could at least pretend! > The lady with the >short black hair is Tomoe Horatu. The little girl with pink hair >is Chibi-Usa. Mike: o/~ Gimme a fic with hair! Long, beautiful ha-air! o/~ > The guy with black hair is Chiba Mamoru. Mike: [Ami] And, of course, Bubbles, Blossom and Buttercup. Crow: [Daria] Let me see if I have this straight: Kinky Toto, Ain't No Minnow, Mayo Set Sauna, Ten To Harpo, Kai's Power Tools, Tomato Horatio, Cheap USA and Chubby Su-Maru? Tom: [Ami, giggling] Close enough! > The >black cat is Luna, and the white one is Artemis." > Crow: Somewhere, someone in Roanoke, VA is smiling. Mike: [Daria] Well, now that the intros are out of the way, let's wrassle! >A less-than-enthusiastic "Hello" issued from everyone. > >"I see this is going to be a tough crowd," Daria said. > Tom: If this were a commercial, now would be when she'd whip out a big McDonald's bag from behind her back and shout, "I brought fries!", and they'd all cheer and smile and be friends! > "OK, Usagi," Ami said, "I guess you should let Daria know our >secret." > Tom: [Usagi] About the eleven secret herbs and spices?? Crow: [Ami] The *other* secret! Tom: [Usagi] Oh. Ok... Well, Daria, me and Ami.... Crow: [Ami] No! The *other* other secret! >Usagi drew a deep breath and began: > Mike: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times... >"Daria, what if I told you that everything is not as it seems >here?" > Mike: [Usagi] Oh, to hell with it. Morpheus, you give the "red pill/blue pill" speech. I need a drink. >"You dragged me all the way here to tell me something I already >know?," shot back Daria, sarcastically. "What a gyp!" > Crow: [Daria] Well, if you're done with me I'll just go home now. >"Trust me on this one," Usagi continued, "what if I told you that >a thousand years ago we all lived on the Moon as members of the >Royal Court of the Moon Kingdom?" > Tom: [Daria] I shoulda stuck with that Freakazoid crossover Spielberg was hawking me! >Daria groaned, "Beam me up, Scotty, this planet is going to Hell >in a handbasket!" > Tom: And the handbasket is known as "anime"! >"C'mon, Daria, I'm being serious here!," continued Usagi; "You >see, a thousand years ago Queen Beryl and her Dark Kingdom >destroyed the Moon Kingdom and my mother, Queen Serenity. Tom: Then Santa Claus came down from Heaven in his spaceship and... oh, you finish it! I'm bitter! > We >were sent to Earth and reincarnated so we could protect the Earth >from the Dark Kingdom and all other threats. Mike: Oh, so they're all Hindus! Crow: No, Mike. > We defeated the >Dark Kingdom, Ail and Ann, the Wiseman and the Four Sisters, Tom: Mike Ovitz... > the >Death Busters, Crow: The Dust Busters... that one I think the police could've handled, frankly... > the Black Moon Circus, and--most recently--Sailor >Galaxia. Mike: Plus The Joker, The Penguin, The Riddler... Crow: Doc Ock, The Green Goblin, Kraven... Tom: The Cylons, The Vorlons, That Scorpion guy from "Farscape"... > You see, we are the Sailor Senshi you may have heard >about in the news. Crow: [Daria] You're the guys who took bribes to guarantee government PDA contracts for Novacorp? Tom: [Ami] No, the *other* news! > I'm Sailor Moon; Ami's Sailor Mercury; Rei's >Sailor Mars; Mike: Chad... is just Chad. But the uniform fits his hips so well! > Mako's Sailor Jupiter; Minako's Sailor Venus; Crow: Don't forget Sailor Redundant; Sailor Redundant; and her sidekick, Sailor Redundant... > Chibi- >Usa's Sailor Chibi-Moon; Mike: She would have been Sailor Shoemaker-Levy 9, but that's a member of the LSH. > Setsuna's Sailor Pluto; Tom: Omit needless Senshi! Omit needless Senshi! > Haruka's Sailor >Uranus; Mike: Guys... Tom: Don't worry, Nelson, it's too easy. Crow: Yeah, like shooting bunnies in a barrel. > Michiru's Sailor Neptune; Hotaru's Sailor Saturn; >Mamoru's Tuxedo Mask, Crow: Or Sailor Beefcake as we call him... > and Luna and Artemis can talk." > Tom: And a hard boiled egg. [Crow makes a honking noise.] Tom: Make that two hard boiled eggs. Mike: [Usagi] Excuse me....need to catch my breath for a sec. *huff* >Daria began to sarcastically hum the theme from "The Twilight >Zone". > Mike: Rod Serling's ghost quickly appeared to beat her up. >"Daria," Luna said, "I will not allow you to act sarcastically! Crow: You will sincerely mean your sarcasm or bring shame to the country you call Lawndale! >That is not the proper way for a Sailor Senshi to behave! Mike: Welcome to Japan! Conform or die! > This >is a serious situation you're in. Let Ami explain." > Crow: More explaining?! NOOOOOO! Tom: Jeez, "Dune" had less exposition than this. >"Daria," Ami said "as you know, I have to leave for my medical >studies in Germany in three days. Tom: Studying under the great V. V. Fronkenshteen, no doubt. > Someone has to take my place >as Sailor Mercury while I'm gone. Crow: And since Nancy Walker won't return our calls, you're in! > I think you're the best person >there is." > Mike: Well then. Ami's lost her mind. >Daria shot back, "First, you cook up some cockamamie story about >being recreated from some Moon Kingdom, Crow: No, first was the two-hour introduction scene. Weren't you listening? > now I have talking cats >to deal with. Is this 'Candid Camera', and if so, where's Allan >Funt?" > Mike: Um, slowly decomposing in his coffin? >"Daria," Luna replied, "believe me, I know this is kind of >difficult for you to take, Tom: But you gotta eat Chibi's boogers or you can't be in the club! > but at first we didn't know if this >would be feasible, since you weren't around during the Silver >Millennium. Crow: [Luna] I'd explain what that means, but now it's time to remind you of our various hair styles. > But I think it can be done. Ami, give me your power >stick." > Mike: [Ami] What?! No! That's personal and priv- oh! Sorry, you meant the superhero thing, heh. I'll get it. >Ami handed it to Luna; she then gave it to Daria. > Tom: Who gave it to Charlie Trie, who traded it to the Chinese for Democrat campaign contributions. >Luna continued, "Now, the both of you hold on to my tail". Crow: Good. Let's train the kids to grab the kitty's tail! Good call. Mike: Crow, the whole thing's just a ruse by Luna to get free skritchies. > They >both did, and Ami's Sailor Mercury powers left her and entered >Daria. > Tom: [Luna] Very good. Now the painful series of 14 injections to the stomach! Mike: Shouldn't they give her some kind of test first? Crow: Or at least check her references? >"I didn't notice a damn difference," sneered Daria. > Tom: [Daria] I do feel like making a short speech about love and justice though. >"Now, hold the power stick up high and say 'SUPER MERCURY STAR >POWER, MAKE-UP!,'" said Luna. > Crow: Then hit "F1" repeatedly. A black screen with a series of menu options should appear. >"OK, but I don't think anything is going to happen," was Daria's >curt reply. > Tom: Yeah, that's what they always say. >Daria held the power stick like it was some moldy breadstick the >local pizzeria back at Lawndale was giving away, Mike: SUPER FANFIC ALLEGORY POWER, GROSS OUT! > and said "SUPER >MERCURY STAR POWER, MAKE-UP!". Tom: I don't picture Daria as a make-up kinda girl. > Immediately, Daria had the >sensation that someone had ripped her clothes off. Tom: Are we sure this isn't a Venus 5 crossover? Mike: Don't give the authors ideas, Tom. > "Great, now >the whole damn world can see I've got small breasts!", she >muttered to herself. Mike: If it helps, they're still bigger than mine. > As soon as the transformation was complete, >and Daria was in Sailor Mercury's seirafuku costume, everyone >knew that the transfer was successful. > Tom: Well the *costuming* was successful. And that's all they really cared about. >"Congratulations, Daria! You're now the new Sailor Mercury!," >Usagi blushed. Tom: Loud blush. > She motioned Daria to a nearby mirror. Daria >took one look. > >"I hate this seirafuku," Daria replied; Mike: o/~ That's all it took! Yeah, just one look! o/~ > "it looks frumpy on me! Mike: [Ami] Yeah, you kind of do... Damn! Hokiyama Blackwell's released his list of the Ten Worst Dressed Animated Characters. You're three of the top four! >I want something else!" > Mike: [Ami] Okay, we've got a bikini version of our uniform you can wear... >"Daria," Luna said, "this is the uniform of the Sailor Senshi. >Wear it with pride." > Mike: "Pride" being this lacy little undergarment thing here. Crow: [Luna] When you go out on that bar top, you're not just dancing for yourself, you're dancing for all of us! >Daria stepped on Luna's tail in response; Crow: Those cats will have bells on their tails and bags on their feet before this is over. > Luna gave out a loud >"ROWR!". > Tom: [Daria] You're not Luna! You're Upchuck in disguise! Mike: [Upchuck] I like my Sailor Senshi feisty! >"UP YOURS!," Daria bickered. > Mike: She insults a helpless housecat! *o/~ La la, LA-la la! o/~* Tom: Daria's personality in this fic was donated by Wendy O' Williams. >"I don't think Daria's going to be a good team member, Mamoru," >whined Usagi. > Crow: Duh. Well maybe you shouldn't have let her on the team then. Tom: They can always put her on monitor duty while the rest of the Superfriends fight the Legion of Doom. >"I couldn't agree with you more, Usagi," conceded Mamoru.. > Tom: [Usagi] What say we blow this joint and go to Bermuda? >----------------------------------------------------------------- Tom: Hey guys, read between the lines! Hehehehe.... [Mike and Crow groan.] >-------------------------------------------------------------- > >Hamada Ieyasu was just a typical person living in a quiet street >in a suburb of Narita. Crow: Well, except for being fictional. > That is, he would be typical except for >one thing: Mike: He actually *enjoys* ham and pineapple pizza. Tom: Say, that *is* science fictional! Mike: Sci2K me! > he had a working-order Kawasaki Ki-45 Toryu night >fighter/ground attack aircraft in his backyard. Mike: Ah, that's nothing! I used to know a guy who kept a Sherman tank in his backyard and an anti-aircraft gun on his roof. Until that day he started shooting at those gnomes... > He had a long, >gray, tapered Fu Manchu beard and was greasy from his work. Crow: Hey, it's Fong! Tom: Wow, he's really moved up from Cave Dwellers. Mike: Is he one of those guys from those kung-fu movies you told me about? Tom: Not quite... > He >wore a soft cap and a velvet jacket. Tom: It wouldn't happen to be a smoking jacket would it? Mike: I'm missing something here, I can feel it. > He was doing some routine >maintenance on it when his grandson Hideki asked him about the >plane. > Crow: [Hideki] Pawpaw, wouldn't it work better if it had an engine? Tom: [Ieyasu] That's just crazy talk, boy! >"You're pretty proud of that airplane, aren't you, Grandpa?," >began Hideki. > Mike: [Ieyasu] Yes, yes I am. Now get off, you're scratching the paint! >Ieyasu began to tell him about the plane: > Crow: [Ieyasu] Yessir, me and this baby shot down a lot of planes in its day. Tom: [Hideki] That was during the war, right? Crow: [Ieyasu] Yes. Of course. During the war, and not last week. >"Yes I am, Hideki. I may have flown it in a losing cause, but it >served me well. Tom: Oh, he's that guy in the Douglas Adams skit! The kamikaze pilot who flew thirty-four missions! He's funny! Mike: Tommy? Don't get your hopes up. > I was just lucky that I managed to salvage parts >for it and rebuild it; Mike: Thankfully there are lots of airplane junkyards in Japan. > after the way, the American occupation >forces scrapped most of our nation's war capabilities. Tom: Good thing he hung onto the receipt. > Remember, >back then, we and the United States were not on the best of >terms. Crow: [Ieyasu] They called us names. They kept changing the presets on the radio station. They kept drinking our milk and placing the empty carton back in the fridge... > Ruthless military men had virtual control of our nation >in name if not in fact. They had launched a foolhardy quest to >annex much of East Asia to our territory and committed many >atrocities. Mike: Like "Thundercats"! What the hell was *that* about? > This plane was one of the best craft ever built. Crow: Oooh, nice transition. Mike: [Ieyasu] Ator built it for me out of bamboo and coconuts. >Did you know that it was this plane, and not the Mitsubishi A6M >that made the first Kamikaze attack on American naval vessels? Tom: [Hideki] Um... but it's still here, Grampa. >The Americans called this plane the 'Nick' like the A6M was >called the 'Zero'." > Crow: [Ieyasu, nerdy] You can check that fact in the "Aircraft of the World: The Complete Guide" >Ieyasu paused to go toward the tail of the Nick. Mike: [Hideki] Grandpa, pausing means you don't go anywhere. Did you take your pills with plum wine again? > He continued: > >"You may notice that the Rising Sun is on a white stripe on this >plane. Tom: [Ieyasu] You may, if you cared. But I'll pretend you're listening intently, for it gives me forbidden pleasure! > That meant that this plane was serving in the defense of >the homeland. And the marking of the tail indicates that it was >with the 1st Chutai of the 53rd Sentai based in Matsudo here in >Chiba-ken." > Tom: [Hideki, yawning] That's fascinating grampa. Really. Crow: I'd just like to point out that all information contained in the last paragraph has now left my brain. >Hideki asked, "What was your greatest adventure in this plane?" > Mike: [Ieyasu] Oh, lets see....that would have to be the time me and my buds got hammered and we buzzed Buddokhan during the Cheap Trick concert. Whew! And then I invited this pert little Swedish stewardess to come and sit in my cockpit... >"Well, one time," Ieyasu answered, "shortly before the atomic >bomb was dropped on Hiroshima, we went up against the Americans >and their Superfortresses on one of their raids against Tokyo. I >managed to shoot down three that night. Mike: [Ieyasu, distantly] I sure hope they were Americans... > However, my tailgunner >was killed when a fourth retaliated after we bungled an attempt >to shoot that one down. I was lucky to escape with my life." > Crow: [Ieyasu] *My* parachute worked! >Ieyasu then added this rather suddenly: > Mike: [Ieyasu] I always had this thing for Bess Truman. [pause] Anyway, about the plane... >"You know, Hideki, I wonder how things might have been different >if the military hadn't slowly crept into power and we didn't join >the Nazi Germans and the Fascist Italians. Mike: Well, A&E would have find something new to talk about. > We might have joined >the Americans and together forced both of them to surrender >sooner that they did. Tom: [Ieyasu] And Germany! Perhaps if Hitler had not come to power, they could have joined the fighting too! > We might have launched a campaign to expel >the Germans from the Soviet Union. Crow: [Ieyasu] Maybe we could have warned Einstein to shampoo less and condition more. Oh, so many regrets, Hideki! > We might have gone into >Berlin instead of the Soviets. Tom: [Ieyasu] We might have had eggs for breakfast. > What I don't figure is why both >our government and the American government won't just own up to >what happened. Crow: Maybe because they'd have to take responsibility for it? > They say the Americans should apologize for using >the atomic bomb but why won't our government apologize for the >Rape of Nanjing or the Korean comfort women or the Baatan Death >March when most of its citizens are indeed sorry for those >things. Crow: This is what's known technically as the "Not Funny" part of the story. Mike: Just wait - any second now, they'll go back to Daria and the Moon Children being witty. > Why can't both our nations admit that mistakes were made >by everyone, make a commitment to make sure nothing like this >ever happens again, and get on with our lives? Why is it that >the people know better than our elected leaders?" > Tom: Boy, that really puts that whole Monica thing in perspective. >"Beats me, Grandpa," said an astonished Hideki; "I guess adults >aren't better than us kids." > Crow: [Hideki] I *always* apologize after bombing a country back to the stone age. >Ieyasu got a good laugh over that. "Grandma should be ready with >dinner soon," he said. Mike: [Ieyasu] So you'd better run like hell. > "You'd better go in and set the table. >I'll have this plane ready for the Narita Air Show by the end of >the week, or I'll eat my hat. Crow: So that's why the old codger has a skirt steak on his head. Tom: I was wondering! > And tell your father when he and >your mother come to pick you up that I hope he'll make it this >year. This old bird's gonna win the Grand Prize this year, or >I'll have to commit seppuku." > Crow: Wow, now that's competitive! >"You wouldn't!," said an alarmed Hideki. > >"Just kidding, Hideki," reassured Ieyasu. > Crow: Out of idle curiosity, what was the flippin' point of that scene? Mike: It ties it all together. With the terrorists, and the planes, and the little giggling Japanese girls and... Tom: and the militia, and the Japanese executive, and... Crow: and Daria, and the incompetent bad guys, and, and, and... All: [sobbing, crying, whimpering] >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- > >Dr. Vander Helffen was at his office. Crow: Stephanie's father from "Newhart"! > He was poring over his >latest plans to hijack the Neo-Zero prototype when Yoriko >arrived. > Crow: [loudly] HEY, DOC, WE STILL STEALIN' THAT NEO-ZERO PROTOTYPE?! Tom: [desperate] Shhhhh! >"Time for your pill again, Yoriko," he said. Tom: [Yoriko] Aren't you gonna crush it in a spoon of grape jelly? Mike: [Helffen] You're a very big girl now, Yoriko... Tom: [Yoriko] But Mom always crushes it in grape jelly! 'S'not fair! > She took a bottle >marked "Hi no Tori" Immortality Pills and ingested one of them. > Tom: Hi no Tori, from A to Zinc! Mike: It's new, from Ronco Industries! >"Now, on to business, Yoriko," he continued. "I have grave >concerns for Ryu." > Crow: I've seen his report card, and he's failing algebra. >"How so?," Yoriko wanted to know. > Tom: Oh no, Crow. Crow: What? Tom: Never mind. >Dr. Vander Helffen replied, "Our ninja spies have seen him >hanging around with known SDF intelligence agents in the Ginza." Crow: He's giving them valuable knife information! Tom: Ninja... spies... >He proceeded to take some photographs out of a manila envelope. > Mike: [Helffen] I used a hi-focus, telescopic lens, so I hope you like them. >"So, I see," was her reply. > Tom: You know, snapping pictures of Pamela Anderson undressed isn't really a big deal... >"If Ryu is indeed acting as a double agent, he is to be >eliminated," Dr. Vander Helffen stated. Tom: And if I remembered who Ryu was or which side he was on, this might mean something to me. > "We're tailing him now, >even as we speak. Mike: [Yoriko] Wow, we're pretty efficient. > If he is working for the SDF behind our backs, >give the kill order." > Crow: [Helffen] If he isn't, order me a sandwich. I'm starving! >"Understood, Dr. Vander Helffen," replied Yoriko. > Tom: [Helffen] Very good. Here's a lollipop! Mike: [Yoriko] Yummy, red! >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- > >Gen. Torymura had gotten the full report from Ryu of the NIRAA's >plot to steal the Neo-Zero prototype, and now he was ready to >take action. > Mike: SWIFT, RADICAL, SURGE action! Tom: [Torymura] Units four and five will monitor Dunkin' Doughnuts, and unit six will pick up the pizzas. Crow: Didn't we sign a "no doughnuts joke" contract? Tom: That was with the other guy. Null and Void as far as I'm concerned. >"This is serious," he began; "If the NIRAA seizes the prototype, >nothing in the SDF arsenal can stop it. Mike: [Torymura] Well, maybe that old battleship that we've converted into a spaceship. But nothing else! > We will need to get some >additional help. If the rumors are true about what I heard about >the Sailor Senshi, they may be our only hope against the NIRAA." > Tom: Well, as a wise man once said, "Screw the A-bomb, we need Shabon Spray!" Crow: You'd think the Japanese government would be better prepared. Mike: Come on guys, obviously he needs an excuse to get the Senshi involved and this is plausible. Sort of. >"I think I know someone who can contact them;" replied Ryu. Mike: [Ryu] This guy named Jimmy Olsen has a signal watch, and... > "His >name is Chiba Mamoru. Crow: It is? My god! The poor devil! > He's in the self- defense class I teach at >the Morita Dojo. Tom: Right next to Arnold's. > If what I suspect of him is true, I can get the >Sailor Senshi on our side." > Tom: If Ken Starr were Japanese! >"Proceed," ordered Gen. Torymura. "The fate of Japan rests on >your shoulders, Ryu." > Crow: But he's not a young boy in disturbing shorts! Something is fundamentally flawed here! >Ryu departed, not noticing that the receptionist had overheard >everything that had happened. She was an NIRAA ninja spy, Tom: [Don Pardo] Tune in next time for more adventures of - SAMURAI SECRETARY!!!! > and >was now sending a secret message by a secret relaying device Mike: Called a "pager". > to >NIRAA headquarters. > Tom: I bet she's a master of the ancient ninja art of collating. Crow: OK, so double agent Ryu has to contact a karate studio before the NRA starts printing PDFs? Mike: No, the NRA is going to attend SIFF. >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- > >"Japan Air Lines, how may I help you?," asked a ticket agent on >the phone Akbar was ordering his ticket.. > Crow: [Akbar] Non-smoking. [pause] Aisle. [pause] Chicken. [pause] Hijacking. D'oh! >"This is Akbar el-Salaam," he began; "I would like to book a >seat on the Saturday flight from Narita to Berlin." Luckily for >Akbar, this was his first hijacking, Mike: Awww..... Tom: They grow up so fast! > and there would be no record >of him by any of the aviation or law enforcement authorities on >file. Crow: [sarcasm] And he could *never* give a false name. Sheesh! Tom: Cheating like that just cheapens the whole hijacking process! > Until now, Akbar had been content with the occasional >strafing of Jewish settlements in East Jerusalem and throwing >rocks at Israeli troops. Crow: Hey, I don't remember this part from Star Wars! Tom: Wrong Akbar, Crow. > Now he was in the big leagues. > Mike: So, the Yanks are going to sweep him in four? >"What class?," the agent asked. > Tom: Technically, he could say "no class" and get away with it. >Akbar answered, "First class." > Tom: I don't picture many terrorists flying first class. Mike: Steinbrenner? Tom: I stand corrected. >The agent replied, "Smoking or non-smoking?" > Mike: Non. At least until the bomb goes off. Crow: If this turns into one of those blasted Michelob ads.... >"I thought all flights were now non-smoking," inquired Akbar. > >"That's only for United States airlines, sir," replied the agent. > Tom: *We* still allow you to slowly poison yourself and others. >"Non-smoking," answered Akbar. > Tom: Another piece of data for when you play "The Misty Scarecrow Neon-Zima Doohickey Boomerang Deadweight Trivia Game." >"OK," the agent said; "you can pick up your ticket at the gate on >the morning of departure. Thanks you for flying Japan Air Lines, >and have a nice flight." > Mike: [Akbar] You seem so cold and distant now. Was I just a sale to you? Was that all our time together meant? Crow: If only she'd asked "Thermonuclear or non-Thermonuclear?", the whole story could've ended right here! >"It will be nice all right," Akbar sneered as he hung up the >phone. "My destination will be with Allah in Paradise." > Mike: He just has a connecting flight in Berlin. Tom: So, to sum up... Akbar orders a ticket. >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- > >Gov. Nagai was holding a rally at the Ginza, Tokyo's >entertainment district. Crow: Yeah, this is where all the talking toilets and vomiting monkeys hone their craft before making the big time. > There was a huge crowd. PA speakers >were everywhere, as well as streamers and signs. Tom: [Nagai] I welcome you to Open Lanes Night! Shoe rentals half-off until eight! > Nagai was >making a speech where it seemed he'd promise sushi in everyone's >heated dinner table or a full rice cooker if that would make >Japan prosperous again. > Crow: Later, he promised a Newer Dealie to everyone if he were elected. >"My friends," Gov. Nagai began, "we can make Japan better than it >is now. Mike: Better. Stronger. Faster. [All hum "$6,000,000 Man" theme] > We just need the courage to take the difficult steps >that need to be taken. Let us go forward with that vision." > Mike: [raising hand warily] Um, actually, I left my contacts in last night? My vision's kinda blurry. >Tetsuo was going down the street and noticed the rally. He then >looked at a balcony across the street. He noticed something >sinister going on. Mike: Simon Bar Sinister, to be precise. Tom: [Simon Bar Sinister] Once Underdog is out of the way, Cad, I'll RULE THE WORLD! > A man dressed entirely in black was setting >up a high-powered rifle. Tom: Will Smith finally snaps. > He was going to assassinate Gov. Nagai! > Crow: Or he really wanted to get rid of his cockroaches. Mike: Was he dressed like a Klingon? Tom: Please, no Star Trek 6 references. >Quickly, Tetsuo ran to a nearby alley. He raised his hands as in >supplication to the sun. > Mike: And was instantly smited. >"Amaterasu-Omikami, give thee thy mortal servant the power of the >Solar Warrior!," he shouted. > Mike: Hello! And thank you for calling the Sun's Customer Service Hotline! For information on your account balance, press 1! To complain about an eclipse, press 2! For endowment of superpowers, press 3! >Instantly it seemed that Tetsuo was engulfed in flames, Tom: And, in fact, he was! > and a >transformation took place. Crow: Tetsuo had become a busty blonde in a tight leather skirt. [Mike & Tom look at him funny] Crow: What?!? > He emerged in red robotic armor with >a yellow sunburst on the chest. He leapt up to the balcony. > Mike: And promptly fell off. >"Miscreant!," he yelled; Tom: Bang! > "Stop where you are! Tom: Bang! > I am the Solar >Warrior, servant to Amaterasu-Omikami, Goddess of the Sun! Tom: Bang! Bang! Bang! > In >the name of the Sun, you will be judged!" Tom: Bang! Blast! I need to reload. Mike: Keep firing. You'll hit something eventually. > >The assassin growled and fired, but the bullets ricocheted off >the armor. > Mike: Slaying 14 innocent bystanders. >The Solar Warrior then yelled, "SOLAR FLARE DISCHARGE ATTACK!" Mike: Man, I wish there were more mute superheroes in Japan. Tom: Yeah, more mute, less *dumb*. > >Two discs, one on each gauntlet, glowed, then discharged. The >assassin was incinerated. > Crow: Okay, it might have been nice to interrogate him and find out who the assassin was working for, but, hey, burning him is cool too. >The crowd saw what happened. Tom: So they can all see the balcony, but no one saw the assassin setting up. But Tetsuo the Iron Man - Mike: Solar Warrior. Tom: Whatever. Tetsuo spots him no problem? Crow: You're looking for sense in the wrong place, Tommy Boy. > They had just realized that this >mystery hero had just saved Gov. Nagai from certain death. Tom: Well, he's still gonna die; just not *now*. > The >Solar Warrior disappeared, leaving a cheering crowd shouting >"BANZAI!" behind. > Mike: [random person] Is he gone? Tom: [random person] Uh....yup. All: BANZAI!!!! >"Find this person," Gov. Nagai said to one of his aides. "I >might have a position for him in my campaign." > Mike: [Nagai] I think I've just found my new Secretary of Roasting Potential Assassins Alive! >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- > >Ami was just finishing packing up for her trip. In just three >days, she was off to Berlin. > Tom: [Ami] It will be so strange, going to a country so much freer with its emotions. Thankfully, that good German beer will loosen me up a bit. >"Think you might want this, Honey?," a voice said as it entered >the room. Mike: [Ami] Sure, disembodied voice! > It was Ami's mother. > Tom: Oh! Crow: It must be tough, just having a voice for a mom. >Ami turned around and saw her old teddy bear. > Crow: So her mom is a teddy bear with a disembodied voice? Man, and folks think "X-Files" is weird! Mike: Awww! That looks like my old, teddy, Mr. Disemboweler. [The bots stare at Mike.] >"Mom, I don't need that teddy bear," said an embarrassed Ami; >"Really!" > Mike: Yes, there comes a time in every child's life when they must put their parents in the toy box with the blocks and jump ropes. >"It was always your good luck charm," continued her mother. "I >want you to do well over there in Germany. I want you to make >your father and me proud. Tom: [Mom] Otherwise, you're out of the will. > I can't believe you're going away in >three days." > >"I'll miss you, Mom," said Ami, "but I'll e-mail you and all my >friends and family every week. I promise." > Crow: [Ami] I've got tons of chain letters I haven't forwarded yet. >Ami finished packing., then said, "I'd better get to bed." > Crow: [Mom] But dear, it's only 8 am..... >"Good night, Ami," her mother said. Ami then took off her >clothes and her bra. All: YAAGH! Mike: I hope her mom left first. Crow: Are you guys having "Soultaker" flashbacks too? All: Uh huh. > She stood next to the open window and felt >the cool evening wind against her face and breasts. Mike: Ahem! Tom: Another creepy moment of unfocused desire, brought to you by Fanfiction, Ltd. > It felt so >good after such a hot late summer's day. She stood like that for >a few minutes, Tom: Letting the aforementioned Peeping Toms get a good look... > then slipped on her nightshirt, a football jersey- >looking blue shirt with a white "15" on it, and went to bed. > Mike: Well if you're gonna let the neighborhood look, I guess a looking shirt is what you'd wear. >Mizuno Ami didn't know then what Hell she was going to go >through. > Tom: [Karl Malden] But she knew when she got there, her American Express Traveler's Checks would be accepted like cash! Mike: Let's take a little break here - we've been through enough Hell for the time being. [All leave] [1 . . . 2 . . . 3 . . . 4 . . . 5 . . . 6 . . . ] [The Bridge] [Mike and Tom are playing "Settlers of Cataan". Mike rolls the dice.] Mike: OK, that's a 6, so I get a sheep. Tom: Huh. Neat! [Crow edges into the shot. He's wearing a stupid-looking seirafuku.] Crow: Hey guys. [Both look at Crow. They don't seem to care very much.] Tom: [dully] Hey Crow. [indicating dice] Mike? Mike: Sure. [rolls for Tom] OK, 10, so you get two sheep. Crow: [as if asked] Well it's funny you should ask! I was walking down the hydroponics bay, when who should I meet but the magic cat from the Sailor Moon show! [Mike and Tom are not engaging him. Mike rolls the dice.] Mike: Hey, cool! We both get sheep! Crow: No, it's true! And since one of the senshi is pursuing a career in refrigerator repair at DeVries, she made me a Sailor Senshi! Tom: Right, Crow. So, you're, what? Sailor Io, Sailor Van Allen Belt? Crow: Turns out, I'm Sailor Dark Matter! I make up 98% of the mass of the universe, but the cool part is I may not even exist! Mike: Uh-huh. And the magic cat? Crow: Oh. Um, well, she got kind of hissy afterwards, and said she was gonna bite the next person she met? And then she turned invisible. So... don't look for her. Mike: Right. [Mike rolls the dice.] Mike: Huh. Well that's stone. Tom: And how many sheep we get for that? Mike: None. Tom: Seems kinda pointless, Mike. Mike: You're right. Better re-roll. Crow: So! Any superheroing you guys need doing? Mike: Hmm... nope. Don't think so. Tom: Well there is that mess of broken crates that needs to be cleared from Pod Bay Three, Mike. Mike: Oh, right. And the hydraulic system on the port side could use a change-out. Crow: [deflated] Oh. Well... actually, I could? But there's this thing, where superheroes can't personally profit from their powers? Mike: Oop! Say no more! Crow: And since I live here and all... Mike: No no! Not another word! I wouldn't want you violating your code! Now whose turn is it? [Suddenly we hear a *PING!*, and a five-foot pile of blue jello with a single eye and three tentacles pops onto the bridge.] Mike & Tom: Yah! Crow: [in terror] Mommy! [Crow dives beneath the desk. The Alien (voice by Kevin Murphy) speaks.] Alien: I am Proton! Ruler of the planet Proton! I come to challenge your bravest superhero in mortal combat! That means- to the death! Tom: Well hey! Talk about timing! [Crow pops back up, without the costume.] Crow: Hi again! The invisible magic cat said they needed to lower headcount by offering an early retirement package? So I'm not a Senshi anymore. Alien: Damn! Don't suppose she's still here? Crow: Um... she... had to get to the home office. In Utica. Alien: I'm there! [The alien pops back out with another All wait for a beat.] Crow: [approaching game] So can I get in? Tom: Sure! Mike: We'll start over. [Buzzers flash. All start running.] Mike: Oh, no, we got MISERY SIGN!!! Crow: Don't trip on the invisible cat! [Mike trips.] Invisible Cat: ROOOWR! Mike: D'oh! [6 . . . 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . ] [All re-enter] Mike: So much for your Sailor career, Crow. Crow: It's a shame too. Those Senshi have a kicking 401k program. >--------------------------------------------------------------- > >Data 3: Enter Sailor Misery Chick > Tom: Exit Servo Miserable Tom. [Tom gets up to leave, Mike restrains him.] Mike: Forget it, Tom. >The mansion that Ami was living in was pretty spacious, by >Japanese standards. Crow: So, it's about the size of the average Midwestern garage then? Mike: It's still bigger than any apartment in New York City. > Ami woke up, flung off her nightshirt, and >took a good look at herself in the mirror. Mike: [Ami] Hmm...that's an interesting rash. > For an egghead, she >had quite an attractive body, Tom: Rather a shapely shell on that egghead. Crow: Quit yolking around, Tom. Mike: You guys are going to do that ova and ova, aren't you? > even if she was small-breasted. Tom: The whole fic's going to be like this, isn't it, Mike? Mike: I think we're gonna have to strap in for the long haul. >Daria had settled in the next room, which was used as a guest >room. Ami took off her panties, Mike: YAAGH! Crow: Ah! Starting her day off with a full frontal shot! Smart lass! Tom: Yes, now she'll have the energy for a full day of nude! > put on her robe, and went to the >bathroom. > Mike: Please, please, please. Spare us the details of what goes on in there. >As she was soaping herself up in the shower, Ami thought about >everything that had gone on for the past five years or so. Mike: Yeah, she remembered all the reused transformation sequences, all of Usagi's speeches, all of Mamoru's inspirational words.... Crow: [Ami] Thank god I'm getting out of here while I still can..... > It >had it horrifying moments as well as its triumphs, but now it >seemed she was going to put this behind her for at least the next >four years or so. Tom: Oh, come on. Just shoot her already. We know this bit. Crow: Yup. Superheroes retiring just means they're about to meet the *really* dangerous villain. Mike: It's all just plot shorthand for, "With awesome power comes awesome responsibility". > As she stepped out of the shower again, she >looked at herself again. Crow: [Ami] Hmmm... maybe I'll get these enlarged while I'm in Germany... > Maybe Minako was right: she should cut >loose once in a while. All: Whooohooo! > Maybe before she leaves, she should go >out with some guy; she had a new blouse and miniskirt combo that >she was dying to try out. Tom: Or maybe she'll just get plastered and stalk Leonardo DiCaprio. > As she put her robe on again and >stepped out of the bathroom, Daria was waiting to enter. Crow: [Daria] UP YOURS! Oops, sorry. Thought you were the cat. > She >looked beady-eyed without her eyeglasses, and was wearing a T- >shirt and shorts as nightwear. > Crow: She forgot her glasses? Uh oh! Tom: I sense a Mr. Magoo moment about to happen... >"Had a good sleep, Daria?," Ami asked. > >"OK, but I still have major jet lag," replied Daria. > Mike: [commercial] Major Jetlag, and the Major Jetlag Action Team Playset! Tom: [quickly] Dolls sold separately. >"You'll get used to it," answered Ami; Crow: [Ami] I've been jet-lagged for years, but I still lead a useful, productive life. > "By the way, I hope you >adjusted your watch properly; remember, Japan does not observe >Daylight Savings Time like you do back in the United States." > Tom: [Daria] Japanese Freaks. >"So I've heard," said Daria. "When do we leave for our first >class?" > Crow: [Daria] I wanna practice my witty rejoinders. >"Soon," was Ami's reply. "And I hope you will wear the seifuku I >gave you; it's our school uniform." > Crow: You see, Mike. The Japanese are huge fans of Donald Duck so they have their schoolkids dress up like him. Tom: Except the kids wear pants. Short ones, of course. Mike: Thanks. I think my knowledge of Japanese culture is now complete. >"I still say it looks stupid on me," shot back Daria. > Mike: [Daria] It doesn't have nearly enough black on it! >Ami asked her, "Daria, do you actually wear those army fatigues, >black skirt and combat boots to school back home?" > Crow: Army fatigues? It's just a dark green blouse, for heaven's sake. Tom: Yeah! I mean, when Mike's wearing his red jump suit, do we ask, "Hey Mike, is it Lobster Appreciation Day or something?" Mike: Yes. Every time, in fact. Tom: Oh. I didn't think you noticed. >"Yes, I do," Daria said. Crow: [Daria] Every day! Apparently they're the only clothes they know how to animate. > "It sends a message." > >"What message is that?," Ami wanted to know. > Tom: "Shop Chuck's Army-Navy Surplus and get a 15% discount". >Daria replied, "That I may be feminine, but I'm also tough as >nails." > Crow: I like Tom's better. Mike: Me too. >"If you ever go out on the town," Ami continued, "there's some >very good drop-dead minidresses I have that would look very good >on you. Mike: [Daria] Are they black leather with metal studs? Well, they better go with army boots... > And, by the way, have you ever considered wearing >contact lenses?" > Crow: Ami must not have seen that episode. >"Too much trouble keeping them clean," replied Daria. > >"Other than that, you do look beautiful," replied Ami admiringly. > Mike: This is turning into the setup for a Springer episode... Crow: Smart Sailor Senshi and the women they love, next on Springer. >"Thanks;" said a surprised Daria; "it's not everyday somebody >says that about me. Crow: [Daria] It's not everyday anyone says *anything* to me. I'm so very, very lonely, Ami! > They usually call me 'The Misery Chick.'" > Mike: [Daria] Which is weird, because I don't look a thing like Kathy Bates, y'know? >"Well, I guess we'd better get the lead out and get dressed for >school," stated Ami. > Mike: [Ami] I wanna see which mecha B-ko uses today! >"Right," responded Daria. "I hope you didn't use all the hot >water." > Mike: Use it? No. I showed it a very good time, and we parted friends. >"There should be some left," said Ami, somehow unsure of herself. > Tom: Well, she better not raise her hand then. >However, as Daria began to use the shower, she was greeted with a >blast of Arctic-cold water. "That's the story of my life," she >said. > Crow: She uses a banal allegory! o/~ La la, LA-la la! o/~ >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- > >As they arrived for their first class, Ami and Daria noticed that >Usagi was going to be late again. > Mike: Daria can't really notice she's late *again*. It's her first class. >"What else is new," sneered Osaka Naru, whose mother ran a >jewelry store. Crow: She must not have any hair. Tom: That's cool. Gotta dig the bald chicks. > "Usagi is always late. She's like that school >girl Magami Eiko on 'Project A-ko'. Tom: Ah, the Japanese A-Team, starring Pat Morita as Hannibal! > She always wakes up late for >school, rushes like a maniac and still winds up being late for >her first class. Crow: [Osaka] Even being splashed with all those electrified chemicals by that lightning bolt didn't help!. > If only she had superhuman strength, superhuman >speed and had Kotobuki Shiko in tow, as well as long-flowing red >hair, the image would be perfect." > Mike: Hey, now *there's* a sentence no one's used before. Crow: If only I was anime fanbot, it might elicit a chuckle. >"I've seen every film in that series," boasted Umino Gurio, the >geeky guy who was Naru's boyfriend. "A-ko, B-ko and C-ko are >real funny!" > Mike: [Gurio] Of course, I am also easily distracted by shiny... oooh! Is that a nickel? >"And you must be 'The Upchuck of Japan!,'" sneered Daria. > Mike: It's the Upchuck from Japan vs. the Upchuck from America in a brutal battle to determine the Upchuck of Tomorrow! Crow: I'll get the sawdust.... >"What's an 'Upchuck?,'" Gurio asked. > Tom: Something I'm going to do when I get out of the theater. Crow: And what's Japan? Or Vietnam, for that matter. >"Nevermind," replied Daria. > Tom: [Guiro] Hello! Hello! Hello! Hello! Hell no! >Ms. Sakurada Haruna, who was the English teacher, stepped in the >room. She noticed that it was time to start class. > Crow: So she quickly downed a sedative and said.... >"Oh, that Usagi's going to be late again, as usual, I see," began >Ms. Sakurada. "Well, that hasn't stopped me before. Mike: [teacher] But today is a new day, perhaps it will stop me now. Would that not be something, Ami, for it to stop me now after so many times when it could have and did not, hmm? > Shall we >begin class? Tom: [kid] You want permission? Well... no? > We've got a new student here today who will take >Ami's place after she leaves for her medical studies in Germany. >Care to introduce yourself?" > Mike: Nah, we already did that in the theme song.... >Daria stepped up to the front of the room. > Crow: [Daria] Hello, I'm Daria....and I'm an alcoholic. All: Hi Daria! >"My name's Daria Morgendorffer," she began. "I'm from Lawndale >High School on a foreign exchange program. Tom: Okay, so Daria's going from the US to Japan. Mike: Yeah. Tom: And Ami's going from Japan to Germany. Mike: Yeah. Tom: So who does America get? Mike: I'm guessing that Dieter and his monkey will be showing up in Lawndale soon... > I hope that I will do >well in your school and not be treated like an outcast like I am >back home." Crow: Well, you're off to a good start. > She bowed and resumed her seat. > Tom: [Japanese] Hwah? Look at that, she did not apologize or beg our pardon or excuse herself profusely! All: [same] SHA-A-A-AME! >"Well, that was short and sweet," Ms. Sakurada responded. Crow: Sounded kinda bitter to me. >Suddenly, Usagi bolted into the room. > Tom: [Usagi] Say Jerry, I have a great idea. A perfume that smells like the ocean! >"Sorry I'm late, Ms. S! The bus was late!," was Usagi's rather >pathetic reply. > Mike: [Alex Trebek] Ooh, I'm sorry but that is incorrect. >"Usagi, you are so pathetic," shot back Ms. Sakurada. Mike: Hence, the previous descriptor. Tom: Oh, what a *great* teacher. Crow: Geez, no wonder Usagi's always late. > "You will >wait outside in the hallway until class is over, then you and I >are going to have a little talk in my office, young lady!" > Crow: [Usagi] You have an office? Tom: [Sakurada] Er, no. Just go and wait in my Pinto then, you little..... >"Does this happen every time?," Daria asked Ami. > >"I'm afraid so," Ami answered. > Crow: [Ami] After all, it's their characterization. Tom: I'm confused. Are they all speaking English? If so, their English must pretty good, what with all the colloquial expressions and all. If not, when did Daria become fluent in Japanese? Mike: Your point? Tom: Ummm. None, really. >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- > >Later that day, school had let out for the day. All of the >Sailor Senshi were going down the street, chatting girl talk. > Tom: [Rei] So, I said to Madge, I says.... Crow: [Minako] And then she says, you're soaking in it! Mike: [Usagi] Guyyyy..... >"So, Ami, do you want a big going-away party before you leave, or >what?," Usagi asked. > Crow: [Usagi] Maybe we'll invite that hermaphrodite chap again! >"Usagi, please don't make a big deal about it," pleaded Ami; >"I'll get a chance to see you during such times as inter-semester >breaks, holidays and such. Mike: As long as you clear it with my lawyers first. > Besides, I've never felt comfortable >about going-away parties." > Mike: [Ami] They give me gas! >"How do you feel about having the type of party like we have back >home in the United States?," Daria asked. Crow: [Daria] The sort where you stare at me and ask who invited *her*? > "I guess you've heard >about the types of parties high school kids have on Friday and >Saturday nights." > >"What do you mean?," Ami asked. > Crow: [Daria] How the hell should I know? I've never been to one. >Daria began her description: > >"Stale potato chips, warm beer, flat soda, loud heavy metal >music, guys and gals making out--" > Mike: How much do you want to bet that a certain person never got invited to those types of parties? Crow: Heck, neither did our authors. Heh, heh... [Crow's giggling abruptly ends as his chair malfunctions and catapults him into the far wall. Crow shakily crawls back into frame.] Crow: I think we need to get that chair fixed. >"DON'T GO ON!," shrieked an embarrassed Ami. > Crow: Geez. The Amish are less reserved than Ami. >"Ami, your cheeks are blushing!," giggled Hotaru. > Tom: [Hotaru] Tee hee, how awkward! >"They are not!," roared Ami. > >Just then, shots were heard at a nearby Mitsubishi Bank branch, >and two armed robbers were running at full speed. Crow: Thank you plot device! > When they got >near the building, they saw that a security officer was shot to >death. > Mike: Well, people very rarely get shot to life. >"This looks like a job for the Sailor Senshi!," Usagi exclaimed. > Tom: [Usagi] So go get 'em guys! >The Sailor Senshi began their transformation sequences: > Tom: Instead of calling the police, like any normal person. >"ETERNAL MOON STAR POWER, MAKE-UP!" > Bots: MAKE-UP! [A huge powder puff swings down and smacks Mike in the face] >"SUPER CHIBI-MOON STAR POWER, MAKE-UP!" > Bots: MAKE-UP! [A huge powder puff swings down and smacks Mike in the face]