Mystery Usenet Theater 3000: "The Misery Senshi Neo-Zero Double Blitzkrieg Debacle" Written by Peter W. Guerin Misted by Matt Blackwell, Tyler Dion, Douglas Gale, Brendan Herhilhy, Bill Livingston, Eric Schepers, Harold Tessmann III, Rebo Valence, and Valeria [Season 10 Opening Sequence] [It's dark on the Satellite of Love. Really Dark. Suddenly, a light shines up from the bottom of the screen, illuminating from beneath the head of Gypsy, a large purple robot with a high pitched, feminine voice.] Gypsy: o/~ In the year three thou-sand. In the year three thou-sand! o/~ [Cambot pans away from Gypsy and towards what apparently is the center of the bridge. A pair of lights shine up from the darkness, lighting the faces of Tom Servo and Crow T. Robot from underneath. Cambot pans in for a close-up of Crow T. Robot, a gold, spider-ducky looking robot.] Crow: Computers will be so small that thousands will fit in a teaspoon. They will be used to perk up the flavor of soup. [Cambot pans back to Gypsy, and pans across her as she sings.] Gypsy: o/~ In the year three thou-sand. o/~ [The view shifts to show Tom Servo, a short, red robot who resembles a gumball machine.] Tom: Jesus will return to Earth and lead an army of Good against the forces of evil. On the cover of Time magazine that week: Jewel. [Cambot shifts back to Gypsy, once again panning by her as she sings.] Gypsy: o/~ In the year three thou-sand! o/~ Crow: In a frank and wide-ranging interview on Oprah, the Ebola virus will reveal that it, too, was trying to impress Jodie Foster. Gypsy: o/~ In the year three thou-sand. o/~ Tom: Everyone on Earth will become flesh-eating zombies. When the flesh is all gone, they will be dirt-eating zombies. When the dirt is gone, some will reluctantly go to "The Olive Garden." Gypsy: o/~ In the year three thou-sand! o/~ Crow: Canada and the United States will unite into one country called "Mexico Sucks!" Gypsy: o/~ In the year three thou-sand. o/~ Tom: Baby seals will no longer be hunted for their fur. They'll be hunted for revenge. Gypsy: o/~ In the year three thou-sand! o/~ Crow: Women will admit that the whole "different from men" thing was a big hoax to get free meals and drinks. Gypsy: o/~ In the year three thou-sand. o/~ Tom: Scientists will dissect Kathie Lee Gifford. Despite her horrible screams. Gypsy: o/~ In the year three thou-sand! o/~ Crow: Boutros Boutros-Gha... [Suddenly, the Bridge becomes completely lit. Cambot pans back to reveal Mike Nelson, a thirties-ish, brown haired male wearing a jumpsuit, standing by a light switch.] Mike: What do you two think that you're doing? Crow: [quietly] Our "In the Year 3000" sketch. Mike: Guys, we're going to get sued. Tom: Nuh-uh. We've changed enough of the content to keep us lawsuit free! Mike: How? Tom: [quietly] Well, ours is the year 3000 instead of 2000. Mike: Get it all out of here. Now. [to the screen] We'll be right back. [Commercials] [The Bridge is back to its usual state. Mike, Tom and Crow stand behind the command console.] Mike: All right. So are you two done? No top ten lists planned? No Pimpbots on the way? No stupid nanite tricks? Tom: Well, we did install the Dancing Waters (TM). [At the mention of the name, streams of water shoot up from the bottom of the screen in front of the console.] Mike: [mumbling] Those lawyers are going to eat us alive... Crow: Mike, we're in space. They can't even get close to us. Mike: They're like cockroaches! They can survive everywhere! Even now, as we speak, a rocket full of lawyers is undoubtedly heading towards us... [The multi-colored lights on the command console that indicate a call from Castle Forrester begin to flash. The Dancing Waters (TM) reflect the light quite nicely.] Mike: We better see what Regis, Kathie Lee and Cody want. [Mike taps the light, and the scene shifts to...] [Castle Forrester] [Pearl Forrester, evil mad scientist and owner of Castle Forrester stands in the foreground. Behind her stands The Observer, a pale humanoid alien wearing a cloak and holding a brain in a small dish.] Pearl: Well, Mike. I hope you're ready, because today's the day. [SoL] [Mike stands confused for a moment, the realization dawns on his face.] Mike: Oh, that's right. [He turns to Tom.] Tom, you're starting your production of "Servoes on Ice" today, right? Tom: You betcha, Mike. [Behind Tom, a throng of additional Toms appear, each wearing a stocking cap and each with a pair of ice skates hung over one shoulder.] Tom: Why it's going to be the most ambitious ice performance ever! We're going to do a performance of "A Tale of Two Cities" that will knock your socks off! Mike: I've got some extra tickets if you need 'em, Pearl. [Castle Forrester] [Pearl and Observer both look a bit confused. Pearl then shakes her head and begins to speak again.] Pearl: Er, no. Not Tom's little ice thingee. This, Mike, is the day I've long waited for: the day where I crush you utterly and totally. From this day on, you will be nothing more than a memory. Right now, we are in negotiations with the author of this work and... [Bobo enters, talking into a cordless phone.] Bobo: ...yes, yes. That'll be no problem at all. Yes, we'll be happy to. So, it's a go then? Good. [Bobo gives Pearl a thumbs up.] Well, we thank you for the opportunity to use... well, sure. I guess I can hear a bit more about your story. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. No, I didn't know that. Really? Uh-huh. [Bobo continues to talk in the background as Pearl speaks.] Pearl: There you go, Mike. The sound of your imminent doom. Your story today is a charming crossover between Sailor Moon and MTV's Daria called "The Misery Senshi Neo-Zero Double Blitzkrieg Debacle." And if it seems like it goes on forever, it's probably because it does. Oh, and did I mention that it's a technothriller too? [She grins evilly.] Enjoy your last hours, Mike. [SoL] Crow: Uh-oh. Tom: This sounds bad. Mike: Come on, guys! We've taken everything that Pearl has thrown at us and more! This can't be as bad as "Werewolf". Or "Hobgoblins". Or "Timespeeder" even! Bots: AHHHHHHH!!!!! Mike: Sorry. I forgot about how you guys react to that one. But if we face this one together, it'll be a snap! Besides, it can't possible be as bad as Pearl's making it out to be. Crow: [nervously] Yeah, I guess you're right. Tom: [nervously] Sure, how bad could it possibly be? [The lights signaling the arrival of a new story begin to flash.] Mike: See! That's the spirit! Now, let's get in there and get cracking! 'Cause we've got Misery Sign! [Mike cheerfully hits the lights and the door sequence begins.] [6 . . . 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . ] [The trio enters the theater and take their usual places.] Tom: Gee, Mike. You seem exceptionally chipper today. Mike: Well, you know. It's really nice out today. I figure we can knock this one off early and get outside. Maybe head down to the park. Get in a game or something. Crow: Oh. Mike: By the way, which one of you was Conan and which was Andy? Tom: We've sworn ourselves to silence Mike, divulging the truth- Crow: I was Conan. Tom: Grrrrr...... > > >THE MISERY SENSHI NEO-ZERO DOUBLE BLITZKRIEG DEBACLE Crow: Misery and debacle are probably going to be good ways to explain this one. >A Daira/Sailor Moon Crossover Fan Fiction Story [Long, long pause] Tom: Misspelling the name, in the title. You can just feel that optimism drain from your body like sweat on a hot day. You're going to pay for this one, Mike. Mike: Sorry. Crow: Mike? Mike: Yes, Crow? Crow: Could I possibly trouble you to melt me down into a large brick of molybdenum and throw me violently at the screen? Mike: Just as soon as I finish twisting my own head off. Crow: That's okay, take your time. >By >Peter W. Guerin >(Mr. Guerin can be contacted at DocForbin@Hotmail.com) > Crow: And, if you're lucky, he can also be contacted by walking around outside and yelling "PETER!" > >With apologies to Naoko Takeuchi and Glenn Eichler. Mike: Readers? Well, you're on your own. > >AUTHOR'S DISCLAIMER > >None of this ever happened. Tom: Thankfully. Crow: Not even in another dimension or something? Mike: Hey, you heard the man. > However, for those of you keeping >score at home, Mike: ...I'm talking to you, Richard... > the events roughly (and I mean roughly) [Crow snickers] > follow the >events depicted in "Bishojo Senshi Sailor Moon Sailor Stars", Tom: A delicious part of this nutritious breakfast! Mike: It also depicts secrets told to me by the magic talking Mr. Potato Head I got in my McDonald's "Toy Story 2" Happy Meal. >which was the fifth and final season of the original Japanese >series. Tom: The series was cancelled due to the fact no one could pronounce the name. > Further, the original Japanese civilian identities of >the Sailor Senshi are used, Mike: Hey, you should change those to protect the innocent! Oh wait, it's anime. There are no innocents. Carry on! > in Oriental order (i.e. family name >first) as well as all other Japanese characters depicted in this >story. Crow: I'll also be following the Japanese tradition of writing from right to left. ?siht ekil naem ouY: moT Mike: Ack! How do you *DO* that? > >Almost all aircraft depicted in this story have been checked with >the publication "Aircraft of the World: The Complete Guide" Mike: Who knew there really *was* a hot-air balloon made of iguana bladders? >(Pittsburgh: International Masters Publishers, 1996-present; >series of factsheets published every three weeks). Mike: Every three weeks another factsheet will be rushed to your door, full of the latest in aircraft cupholder technology. > The sole >exception is the Mitsubishi Neo-Zero, which is a complete >creation of the author. > Crow: Although those weasels at the patent office refuse to give me due credit for my brilliance. Mike: [Patent guy] Look! I don't think that you can patent a rubber band powered airplane, okay? >All "Bishojo Senshi Sailor Moon" and related characters are (C) >1992,1998 Naoko Takeuchi/Kodansha/Toei Animation Co., Ltd./DIC >Enterprises LP. All "Daria" and related characters are (C) 1993, >1997, 1998 MTV Networks. Tom: Who surprisingly took time from their busy schedule of "Spring Break 1996" reruns and "Road Rules" marathons for something else! Crow: Note to MTV - prepare to turn in the "M", guys! > All Rights Reserved. All other >characters depicted are my creation. Tom: What about us? Mike: We're his creation too. Crow: Do you think he'll give us a raise then? > So there. > Crow: [dude] We are *so* there, man. > >SONG CREDITS Crow: Buckle down guys, this is gonna be rough. > >"Morning Has Broken": Traditional lyrics by Elinor Ferjoen. [Silence] Mike: Well, there's a song I never expected to see in a fanfic based on an MTV show... >Musical arrangement by Cat Stevens. (C) 1972 Cat Stevens. Tom: o/~ I'm being followed by a big Muslim. Biiig Muslim, big Muslim. o/~ >Appearing on his album "Teaser and the Firecat" Mike & Tom: o/~ With long tails, and ears for hats! o/~ > on A&M CD's and >cassettes. > Crow: Available at Musicland and WaxTrax! >"Ty Cobb": lyrics by Chris Cornell; Crow: He's on a hunt for the mystic Sampo! > music by Ben Shepherd. (C) >1996 You Make Me Sick I Make Music (ASCAP)/Stupidditties (ASCAP). Mike: You know, there is such a thing as being too creative. Tom: Hard to argue, there. >All Rights Reserved. Appearing on the Soundgarden album "Down on >the Upside" on A&M CD's and cassettes. Mike: Oh, you need one of those Greenday Houses. You know, where you grow those Poseys or Hothouse Flowers? > >"Black Hole Sun": lyrics and music by Chris Cornell. (C) 1994 >You Make Me Sick I Make Music (ASCAP). Tom: Winner of the "Most Unsettling Video" award 5 years running. > All Rights Reserved. Crow: All rights? What about the right to fling it off an overpass at speeding cars? Mike: Reserved that too. Can't be too careful. >Appearing on the Soundgarden album "Superunknown" on A&M CD's and >cassettes.. > Mike: [Minnewegian] Ellen says that Tommy, that's her son - Crow: [Ditto] Ya. Mike: Tommy listens to that Mudgarden everyday. >"Monk Time" , "I Hate You" and "Complication": written by Gary >Burger, Larry Clark, Dave Day, Roger Johnston and Eddie Shaw. Tom: Yeah, you can tell the screenplay's in trouble when there's that many names on it. Crow: I'm surprised Lawrence Kasdan didn't put in his two cents. >(C) 1965 Monk Time Publishing (BMI); administered by Bug Music. Mike: Hey, that's what drove the Hatrocks away from the Flintstones' neighborhood! Tom: [bug music] Yeah, yeah, yeah! Crow: Yeahyeahyeah! >All Rights Reserved. Appearing on the Monks album "Black Monk >Time" on Infinite Zero Archive CD's. Distributed by American >Recordings. > Mike: Monk CDs and Monk cassettes available at finer Monk stores everywhere. Tom: So is this a fanfic, or a jukebox, or a legal contract, or what? Crow: I'm pulling for "what", but... >"Kimigayo": Tom: Daylight come and me wanna go home. > Words selected from the seventh volume of "Kokinshu" >dating from AD 9th Century; English translation by Sakuzo Takada; >Music by Hiromori Hayashi. > Mike: Get the feelin' someone doesn't wanna get sued? Bots: Noooooo...... >"Tusk": Mike: o/~ Pow-wow, the Indian boy, loved all the animals in the west, o/~ All: o/~ We will, we will, rock you! o/~ TUSK! Tom: o/~ So they ran through the briars, and they ran through the brambles, And they ran through the places where a rabbit wouldn't go. o/~ Crow: o/~ Gypsies, tramps, and thieves! We heard it from the people of the town! o/~ All: TUSK! Mike: o/~ High on a hill lived a lonely goatherd, Ladee-yodel-ladee-yodel-la-hee-hoo! o/~ Tom: o/~ Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus, Right down Santa Claus Lane! o/~ All: TUSK! Crow: o/~ Give it away, give it away, give it away, now! Give it away, give it away, give it away, now! o/~ Mike: o/~ I've got a brand new pair of roller skates, You've got a brand new key! o/~ All: TUSK! Tom: o/~ Admiral Halsey notified me, He had to have a bath or he couldn't get to sleep, o/~ Crow: o/~ And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon, Little Boy Blue and the man in the moon! o/~ Mike: o/~ In your Easter bonnet, with all the frills upon it, o/~ Tom: o/~ One night in Bangkok makes a strong man crumble, o/~ Crow: o/~ Chicks and ducks and geese better scurry, When I take you out in a surrey, o/~ Mike: o/~ We were merely freshmen! o/~ All: o/~ Oh, Suzanna, oh don't you cry for me, 'Cause I come from Alabammy with a banjo on my knee! o/~ TUSK! Mike: Ah. I love that bit. > Lyrics and music by Lindsey Buckingham. (C) 1979 New >Sounds Music (ASCAP). Mike: Actually, at this point, calling Fleetwood Mac music "new" seems a bit futile. > All Rights Reserved. Appearing on the >Fleetwood Mac album "Tusk" on Warner Bros. CD's and cassettes. > Crow: And strangely enough, the soundtrack to "Amadeus"! >AUTHOR'S DEDICATION > Tom: *OH WILL YOU JUST START THE BLASTED STORY ALREADY?!* >This story is dedicated to my mother's favorite author, Tom >Clancy. Tom: [Peter] I love her, even though she tried to legally change my name to "Soviet Second Tank Division." > This story may be a bit evocative of his style, so >please bear with me. > Crow: A bit meaning, nothing like Tom Clancy. >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- > >"Sky Pilot!/Sky Pilot!/ Mike: Earth to Sky Pilot, come in Sky Pilot! > How high can you fly?/You'll never, never, >never reach the sky!" > Tom: Icarus would later regret trying to answer the song's question. >--Eric Burden, The Animals, "Sky Pilot" > >"War!/Good God, you all!/What's it any good for?/Absolutely >nothing!/Say it again!" > Tom: War?? Mike: You forgot the "Huh!" before the "Good God, y'all!" >--Edwin Starr, Edwin Starr's Rising Starr, "War" > Crow: Copyright Starr Music Publishing, distributed by Starr Recordings Tom: Starr CDs and Starr cassettes available at finer Starr stores everywhere. All: Starr! >"Though force can protect in an emergency, only justice, >fairness, consideration and cooperation can finally lead men to >the dawn of eternal peace." > Mike: "It's either that, or a group of sailor suited heroines..." >--Dwight David Eisenhower, General, U. S. Army, Tom: For those of you who fell asleep and missed WWII! > later President >of the United States > Crow: "I did not have sexual relations with that woman!" --Bill Clinton, even later President of the United States Mike: "We have met the enemy, and he is us." - Walt Kelly, "Pogo" Tom: "This is so offensive on so many levels." - Joel Robinson, SOL >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- > >Data 1: Ebon Genesis Sweet Adeline > Tom: Black Beginning Saccharine Clementime! Crow: Onyx Commencement Pleasant Yolanda! Mike: Uh, uh...Ivory Revelations Sour...Sour...pass, pass! >A huge crowd had gathered in the mass meeting room of Sumito >Heavy Industries Crow: I guess Sumo would be a ... heavy industry. Mike: Watch it! > for what was expected to be a brief pep rally >before the start of the day's business. Tom: And here comes the corporate cheerleading squad now! Crow: Yes, the world of modern business is just like high school! > All were clad in the >same blue suits typical of Japanese businessmen in Shinjuku, the >business district of Tokyo. Mike: Though what the stilettos and fishnet stockings were about was anyone's guess. > At one end was a platform were the >top executives of the company were seated as well as a podium for >speaking. Mike: What? Tom: During meetings, Japanese executives lose face if they sit worse than a podium. Mike: Huh? Tom: Just accept it and move on, Mikey. > However, it was the banner affixed to the wall that >was unusual: a brown octopus on a white disc on a red field. Tom: It's Hydra! Crow: Baron Zucker is now a big wheel on the lecture circuit. > >At once, everyone's attention was focused on the podium as one of >the persons on the platform rose to speak. Tom: [speaker] Hello, I'd like to tell you about a group of girls, who I know very well.... > However, this was not >one of the executives; she was an "OL", or office lady. Mike: Oh, a secretary. Tom: Executive Assistant! Mike: Sorry. > But no >other "OL" like her existed in Japan. Mike: o/~ 'Cause she's a small wonder! A.. o/~ Tom: No. This is not a crossover with that. > Yoriko was tall and >statuesque, and was well-proportioned with ample bust, slender >hips, long legs and short, black hair. Tom: Rrrrowr! I like where this is going! Crow: The part of Yoriko will be played by Bettie Page. > Banging the gavel, she >called the meeting to order. > Tom: Now, what are we going to do about that new sheriff? The chair recognizes Howard Johnson. >"I know that we have much work to do, Crow: [Yoriko] So, let's talk about our progress towards ISO 9001 compliance... > so I will keep this brief," >said Amazana Yoriko. "I have glorious news that will gladden the >hearts of everyone in our organization. Tom: They're bringing back the McRib! [All cheer] > We think the Neo-Zero >prototype will be ready for its first test flight by month's end. Mike: The Neo-Zero? That's that company that does those fighting games, right? >Ryu, our intelligence officer, will explain." > Crow: R yu, experienced? Has he ever been experienced? Mike: Not necessarily stoned, mind you. >The podium was yielded to Chang Ryu, Tom: Ryu had the right of way. > a man of unusually handsome >qualities due to his mixed Chinese-Korean-Japanese ancestry. Crow: He's invaded himself from both ends! > He >was about six and a half feet tall with brown hair. Mike: Apparently, Ryu also has some Hill Giant in him too. Tom: Or Richard Kiel. > Ryu was a >master of many martial arts disciplines, holding black belts in >judo, tae kwan do, kung fu, karate, and kendo, or Japanese >fencing. Crow: As well as being a master of kiss-kwan-do. Tom: Huh. Betcha he still can't do a Windsor knot. > Only a few months ago he resigned as a priest of the >legendary Shaolin Temple to be involved in what Sumito termed >"Project Iron Fist." > Mike: It was a project to make a new type of soft soap. >Ryu started to speak in his clear, enthusiastic voice: > Tom: [Ryu] Ladies and Gentlemen of the Class of 1999, wear sunscreen. >"I've been checking the progress of the prototype, and most >ground tests have been completed. Crow: [Ryu] But since it's supposed to fly we'll just ignore that part. > It is expected that the >prototype will be fitted with a full compliment of Sidewinder >missiles for target practice; Tom: Let's hope they don't lock onto any Iraqi fighter jets. Crow: Or Scottish groundskeepers either. > once they are loaded, we will >launch our plan to hijack the prototype and start our attack on >Tokyo. Mike: [Ryu] After all, Japan will surely surrender after being strafed by one plane. Crow: They must have developed this plan in France. > Once we have the civilian government in submission, the >New Imperial Rule Assistance Association will embark on a new era >for Japan, Tom: A Funk-a-riffic DISCO era! With leisure suits and afros for everyone! > and once again we will earn the respect of the world. Crow: [Ryu] Our single plane will pound into submission all countries who refuse to respect us! And if that doesn't work, we'll go up to their leaders and start kickin' major shin! >All hail to our leader, Amazana Yoriko. BANZAI!" > Crow: The Hong Kong Cavaliers looked around, couldn't find their leader, and then went back to their poker game. Tom: Perhaps he's still fighting the World Crime League. >After five shouts of "BANZAI!", the meeting adjourned. Yoriko >went back to her office, where Dr. Helmut Vander Helffen was >awaiting her; Tom: Chief Researcher in Charge of Mid-European Mad Scientist Stereotypes. > he looked middle-aged with black hair and >spectacles; he was wearing a brown double-breasted suit. > Tom: Wow. Lots of breast references so far. Crow: The author must have a thing for 'em. Mike: [muttering] Look who's talking. >"It's time for your next pill," was all he said. Mike: Oh dear. Placebo addicts. I've seen this before. Crow: And it ain't pretty. Tom: Come on, guys. Dr. Header Van Damme is obviously providing us with ominous foreshadowing. Mike & Crow: Ohhhhh. > >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- >Tsukino Ikuko was doing what she usually did every morning: Mike: Preparing a healthy breakfast and trying to take over the world! Crow: I got my bookcase at Ikukos. Mike: You're thinking of Ikea. Crow: Oh. >trying to get her oldest daughter Usagi out of bed: > >"Usagi, you lazy bastard! Tom: [Usagi] What, you pathetic dickweed? Mike: Ah, the joys of a mother's love. Crow: Um? Bastard? > Get out of bed now!" > >Luna, Usagi's pet cat, was jolted out of her sleep by Ikuko's >yelling. She hissed and scratched Usagi's nose. > Mike: Why? Cuz she felt like it, that's why! >"OW!", shrieked Usagi. > >"Usagi! Crow: Yojimbo! > It's time to get up for school!," began Luna. "You are >so lazy it's pathetic!" > Mike: Hence, the previous lazy bastard comment. Crow: Bastard? Mike: Just accept it, Crow. It's probably going to get a lot worse. >"I already have Mom on my case, Luna," shrieked Usagi; "I don't >need to hear it from you as well!" > Crow: [Usagi] Damn talking alien cats. Always on my case. She's a jerk, right Mr. Clock? Tom: [Mr. Clock] Right-o, Usagi! >With a deft movement, Usagi took off her pajamas and raced to her >closet--wearing nothing but her panties-- Crow: -as a hat- > to grab a bra. She >began to pack up her briefcase. > Crow: You know, nothing gets those creative juices flowing better than a good ol' "tribute." >"You know, I think that peeping Tom from across the street is >looking at you again!", chuckled Luna. > Mike: [sternly] Servo... Tom: It wasn't me! I have the internet for that sort of thing. >Usagi shrieked and drew down the curtains. > Mike: [Usagi] That's just for me, my doctor, and the future Mr. Ricky Martin Ikuko! >"Luna, you really get on my nerves at times," yelled Usagi at >Luna. > Mike: This is Luna's revenge for her not getting Luna that new "Fresh Step" kitty litter. >Luna replied, "Hey, I deserve a good laugh once in a while!" > Crow: Oh, that was supposed to be funny! [All laugh uncomfortably for a few seconds.] >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- > >Kenji, Ikuko's husband, and their son, Shingo, were already at >the breakfast table. Tom: [Shingo, sarcastic] So what's for breakfast? Oh, high expectations and repressed emotion, how different. > Kenji was reading the "Yorimuri Shimbun" >when he noticed an interesting article. > Mike: [Kenji] Ten Easy Questions to find out if Your Daughter is a Sailor Senshi? Hmmmm....... >"Hey, what about those Giants!," he exclaimed; "one more win and >they clinch the Japan Series!" > Crow: [Shingo] Hopefully, that jerk Steinbrenner Hidako won't break up the team afterwards. >"Wonderful, dear," was all his wife said rather abstractly. > Mike: Parents should engage a child's interests, to more effectively crush them. >"Man, Usagi's gonna get it big time from Ms. Sakurada if she's >late again," Shingo proclaimed. > Tom: IfyaknowwhatImean! >As if to confirm that remark, Usagi ran downstairs, clad in her >seifuku, gulped down a glass of milk, Mike: Got high-speed milk? > wolfed down a piece of >toast, and dashed out the door like the devil before anyone >noticed. Crow: Yup, that's pretty fast alright. > She was several steps down the road when a car horn >blared, and a familiar red car pulled up besides her. > Mike: [Usagi] Sigh. Hi Starsky. Hi Hutch. Tom: [Starsky] Hi Usagi! You need a lift to school today? Mike: [Usagi] No thanks. Crow: [Hutch] Quick! There's a drug deal going down on 5th ! Tom: [Starsky] Let's roll! >"Usagi! Get in! It's the only way you'll make it on time for >your first class!," a voice shouted to her. > Mike: [Usagi] Oh, thank you Magic Voice! >Usagi knew that voice rather well. Crow: It was Barry White. > It was her boyfriend, Chiba >Mamoru. Tom: The sky over his head was like a TV tuned to a dead channel. > As Usagi got in, she noticed two other persons in the >car: Mike: Christopher Lloyd and Mary Stewart Masterson? Crow: Rockford and Angel? Tom: Mistretta and Galano? > her friend Mizuno Ami, the smartest student in class, and >Chiba-Usa, Usagi and Mamoru's daughter from the future. Crow: Uh-huh. So the kid's named after both of them. I'm doubly revolted. Tom: Another reason to be glad Mo Gaffney and Ron Howard never mated. > Chiba- >Usa had spent the night at Ami's house. > Tom: After all, there's nothing teenage girls like more than to have a sleepover with a five year old. Mike: I feel like this fanfic should have come with a flowchart. >"Running late again, I see," Chiba-Usa said in her holier-than- >thou attitude. > Mike: [Usagi] Just because you made Pope at 13 is no reason to get all holier than thou, young future lady! >"Put a sock in it, Chiba-Usa!", replied Usagi. > Crow: [Usagi] If you don't shape up, I'll send you to bed without supper in the future! >"Usagi, you should really get up earlier," Ami started. "It's >part of doing well in school." > Mike: Except in college. >"Ami's got a point there, Usako," Mamoru added. "Your grades >aren't that great. With the big exams coming up, you've got to >do better." > Tom: You are WORTHLESS and BAD, Sailor Moon! SHAME! Mike: Yeah, thanks MOM. Crow: Sheesh, now I know this is Sailor Moon. >Usagi groaned. > >"Speaking of tests," Ami said, "I figure you'd be the first ones >to learn about some exciting news I got yesterday." > >"What?," Usagi asked. > Crow: [Ami] The rabbit died! Mike: [Mamoru] What? Usgai's dead? Tom: [Usagi] But I'm right here! Crow: [Ami] Oh, skip it. >"I found out that I've been accepted for my pre-med studies in >Germany," gushed Ami; Crow: [wartime newsreel voice] Germany: World leader in turning giggling Japanese girls into doctors. > "At long last, I can begin my studies to >become a pediatrician like my mother! I leave in four days." > Tom: [Ami] I'll finally be free! Free I tell you, free! >Usagi was at first speechless. > Crow: This is now my favorite part of the whole story! >"Congratulations!," Mamoru said. "I know that you've been >looking forward to this for a long time." > >"But what about the Sailor Senshi?," Usagi said as she recovered >from the shock of the announcement. "You're the brains of the >team!" > Mike: That's just how bad the situation is, folks! >"Not to worry, Usagi," Ami began. "I've got that covered. Luna >and Artemis have been working on transferring my powers to >another person. Crow: So cats have the power of attorney in Japan? Mike: This explains a lot. > The Sailor Senshi will still be at full strength >while I'm gone." > >"Who do you have in mind?," Chibi-Usa asked. > Tom: [Ami] Emilio Estevez. He'll look good in a fuku. Crow: [mumbling] I always get in trouble for saying things like 'fuku'... >"Let's just say that she's as intelligent as I am," Ami teased. > Tom: So... A vole? A lamp post? A sea cucumber? What? >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- > >The calls to prayer wafted in the air in Beirut. Crow: Wow, this fanfic must have one heck of a travel budget! > In a >nondescript building, however, there was something sinister >afoot. Mike: It's a Fox Network programming meeting! All: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! > The local branch of Islamic Jihad [All snicker.] Tom: "The local branch"? They franchise terrorists now? Crow: They're the Dunkin' Donuts of fundamentalism. > was meeting to >formulate their next terrorist attack. > Crow: So, it's decided then. Our next target is the Wetzel's Pretzels at Westboro Mall. Mike & Tom: Agreed. >The Imam Al-Kabaz, the leader of the branch, Tom: Lord of the root, God of the leaves... > was clad in a black >robe and had a long black beard. He arose to speak. > Mike: [Irish] Well, begum and begorrah! If it tisn't a glorious day to be in the IRA! [stops] Wait, this isn't 54 Pine Street! > "It is time to strike fear into the heart of the Great Satan!" Tom: Herzog? >he began; "In four days will be the great football game between >Highland and Lawndale High Schools. Tom: Army vs. Navy. USC vs. UCLA. Harvard vs. Yale. Lawndale vs. Highland. Crow: It just doesn't have the same ring, does it? > We will seize control of the >JAL flight from Tokyo to Berlin, divert it to Lawndale and blow >up a nuclear device as the plane flies over the football field." Mike: Oh lord. Crow: Ladies and gentlemen, the stupidest terrorists in history. >The Imam turned to Akbar el-Salaam, a grungy Palestinian in >combat fatigues, Crow: Well, here we are now - entertain us. Tom: "Akbar el-Salaam" is Arabic for "Oscar Madison". > and said, "Brother Akbar, it is Allah's will >that you carry out this mission. Mike: [Imam] You will open a Tofu Hut with your lover Jeff. But beware the one-eared bunny! > You will leave on the next >flight to Tokyo in about an hour. ALLAH AKBAR!" > All: We pledge ourselves to Big Fire! >The cries of "ALLAH AKBAR!" were repeated twenty times running. > Crow: Ironically, Akbar's flight gets hijacked by terrorists. >----------------------------------------------------------------- Mike: [pointing] Who's line is that, anyway? >--------------------------------------------------------------- > >He can still remember it all like it was just yesterday. Tom: o/~ Paaarking by the lake and there was not another car in sight... o/~ Mike: Tom? Can we skip the Meatloaf for this misting? Please? Tom: I'll try. But we've got a long road ahead of us. > It was >one of those memories you can't really shake off. > Crow: Oh. Deja glue! [Mike and Tom shake their heads and groan.] >He was on patrol in the Sea of Japan, off the coast of Sakhalin >Island. He was squadron leader for a flight of five F-4EJ >Phantom II jet fighters for the Japan Air Self Defense Force. Mike: Here's the brave World War One Flying Ace in his Sopwith camel, scouring the hillsides of Normandy for a sign of the plot. >The Phantom jets were showing their age but were still a reliable >part of the force. Mike: They had flown from their Skull Mountain base to meet with Diana. > So far, it had been a pretty routine patrol. Crow: And those ideas are related how? >Suddenly, one of the pilots radioed him: > >"Maverick to Dragon, I've picked up something on the radar. It >looks like a Soviet Su-17." Crow: o/~ Su, Su-Seventeen! Just say the word! o/~ > Dragon was the squadron leader's >code name. > Mike: Well, officially. Behind his back, he was "Nancy Boy". >"Roger, Maverick," responded the squadron leader; "let's take a >look. Tom: We need one of those for the living room, over. > As long as they're on their side of the border, we >shouldn't expect any hostilities." > Mike: [Dragon] But knowing those damn Commies.... >"Roger, Dragon.", replied the first pilot. > Mike: Roger Dragon? The DC martial artist from the 1970s? Crow: Maybe his wingmen are Prez and Kamandi. >The squadron approached the location of the Su-17. However, it >turned out that this was no ordinary patrol. Crow: This patrol had the refreshing scent of lemon, for military readiness that's fresh as a country breeze! > A Korean Airlines >747 had somehow entered Soviet airspace. Crow: A Korean plane in Soviet space in the Sea of Japan? > An international >incident was in the making. > Tom: OK, maybe those that don't know history are doomed to repeat it. But at least they don't *haphazardly slap it into their little crossover!* >"Dragon to Ginzu, Mike: [Dragon] If I order before midnight tonight, will I still get the matching peeler/slicer, over? > find out what the Hell's going on here!," said >the squadron leader to another pilot. > Tom: Then he remembered to use the radio..... >The second pilot replied, "Ginzu to Dragon, I've got them fixed >on radar. I do know some Russian. Crow: [Ginzu] They're saying, "Blip... blip... blip...". Mike: [Dragon] That's the *radar* you clod! > The MiG's issuing a warning >to the KAL craft to clear out of Soviet space. Crow: No! They're gonna shoot down Baby Superman's rocket! > He's threatening >to fire." > Tom: Cal really shouldn't have taken his jet for a joyride over Russia. >Was it time to take action? Crow: Yes, do something already! > Every member of the SDF had been >instructed from day one that Article 9 of the Constitution >clearly stated that Japan was not to wage war. Mike: Really? Then why hasn't someone conquered them yet? Tom: They have to battle their way past Trixie and Chim-Chim first. Crow: Yeah, that monkey has beaten off three invasions from North Korea all by himself. > But now everyone >in the squad faced a dilemma: Do nothing and see hundreds >perish, or attack and risk international condemnation if they >were wrong? > Crow: Or, you could turn tail and run. >"Ginzu," the squadron leader ordered, "inform the MiG pilot that >if he fires weapons, our government will file a protest with the >United Nations." > Tom: After that, they might write a strongly worded letter to the Leningrad Times. >Tense moments passed. > Mike: Would Lenniger defeat the horrid ants? >"Dragon, he's ignoring me," Crow: So are the readers. > was the second pilot's reply. > >The next thing everyone saw was that the Su-17 fired an air-to- >air missile, blowing the KAL plane out of existence! > Tom: Except for all the flaming debris of course. Mike: [Dragon] Okay, buddy, you asked for it! Squadron ready annnd - WAG FINGERS IN DISAPPROVAL!!! >"This is Dragon to all units! Mike: [Dragon] Did anyone get the license plate?! > Return to base!," sharply ordered >the squadron leader. "We don't want to risk a dogfight with the >Su-17!" > Crow: [Dragon] We only outnumber him five to one! He'll surely kill us all! >Clearly as much as everyone wanted to avenge what they had just >seen, Crow: [wartime newsreel voice] Japan: Staunch defender of Korean civilian aircraft! > Article 9 was to be honored at all times. > Mike: Well then why even bother with the jet fighters? They're better off hang-gliding! Tom: Why the heck did Japan agree to that anyway? Crow: They lost a bet. If they had won, everyone in Sweden would be wearing sombreros right now. >When they had landed back at the base, news had already reached >everyone about what happened. An airman approached the squad >leader and handed him a list. > Mike: [airman] Here, check this twice. Find out who's naughty and who's nice. >"Lieutenant Torymura, you may want to see this; it's the list of >passengers," the airman said to him. > Tom: [Toryuma] Good lord! How many soccer teams were on this flight? >He took a quick look, and his stomach turned when he noticed two >names on the list. > Mike: [Toryuma] Mike Rotch and Amanda Hugginkiss? The hell?! >"Poor Makoto," was all he said. > Crow: Hmmm. I'm starting to feel left out of the plot. Tom: What plot? Crow: Good point. >A subsequent investigation cleared Lt. Torymura and his squadron >of negligence. Crow: They had sat around and done nothing with commendable aplomb! Mike: Later they got hired as paparazzi, tailing Princess Di. > Now a general, Torymura Keiichi was in charge of >the Neo-Zero project. He sat there at his desk, in his dress >green uniform, his hair grayed with the cares of a long military >career and time-carved wrinkles over his skin. Crow: It's General Halftrack-san! > But he's still >haunted by the awful memories of what happened fifteen years ago. Mike: [General] I feel a great disturbance in the force, as if a million voices cried out at once- >If only he-- > Crow: Hadn't let the Commies infect his bodily fluids? >A knock on the door interrupted his train of thought. Mike: [General] Damn! A loud noise! Aw, screw the voices, let'em cry to someone else. > Someone >entered his office. It was Ryu, now wearing a vermilion martial >artist's outfit. > Crow: Nah, that's probably just fresh blood. Tom: We can hope anyway. >"General, this is Special Agent Chang," he said. "I know when >the NIRAA will attempt to steal the prototype." > Tom: So instead of a plot, characters will just march and announce that plot-like elements have occurred off screen? Mike: Pretty much. >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- > >By Japanese standards, this was a rather brash way to start a >campaign in a by-election. Crow: Sure, the naked Spice Girls were a bit over the top, but it got people's attention. > Streamers were all over the banquet >hall, as well as posters, all with the same slogan: Crow: "Tanner in '88" > "Nagai >Kenji: For a New and Better Japan." Mike: A pachinko machine in every garage, and two violent porn comics in every bachelor's bedroom! > Nagai was already governor >of Tokyo Metropolitan Prefecture; he had stunned everyone at the >last gubernatorial election by winning the post running as a >member of the Komeito, or Clean Government Party, which had the >backing of the Soka Gakki sect of Buddhism. Mike: Oh, better write that down. I'm sure it'll be important later. Crow: They're that sect that believes that Bill Keane is the Buddha, right? > Now, he was in the >most ambitious campaign of his life: he was seeking the vacant >seat for Tokyo-to in the House of Representatives, the lower >house of the Japanese Diet. Tom: Isn't that the one where you only eat rice, beans, and jujy fruit? > His youthful looks belied his 45 >years, and was wearing a gray flannel suit. > Crow: His youthful looks were wearing a gray flannel suit? >Nagai stepped up to the podium and spoke: > >"Ladies and gentlemen: I hereby announce my candidacy for the >Komeito nomination for the empty seat in the House of >Representatives for Tokyo-to. Tom: [dully] Wow. What a stirring speech. > Our nation faces grave problems as >we near the new millennium. Crow: [Kenji] Why in the last year alone, Gamera attacks were up almost 300%! > Business as usual in our government- >-fostered by a Liberal Democratic government that has been in >control for over forty years--has led us to this crisis. Mike: It's Bob Dole-san. > We have >been the envy of East Asia--indeed in what is still called the >Third World--for turning so rapidly from an isolated, backwards >nation to one of the most modern, most technologically advanced >societies ever seen in human history. Crow: [Nagai] And one of the few governed successfully by children in upsetting short pants. > It would be a shame that >we, as a beacon of hope to those less developed, be extinguished >ourselves. We need new voices; we need fresh blood; Mike: [Nagai] We need *me*, is what I'm getting at. > we need to >admit our mistakes of the past; Crow: And we need one of those nice Oxo can openers! > we must lend a hand to those >nations less fortunate than ourselves. Reforms must be made in >our economy so that everyone that benefits can still do and even >include the small minority that do not. Tom: You wanna diagram that last sentence, Sparky? > We must be more open and >honest in trade with our international neighbors. Crow: [Nagai] We must admit that Pokemon is evil and that AIBOs aren't worth $2,500. > We must turn Japan >around before it's too late, Mike: And call it Napaj! > and I am the man to do it!" > Mike: [Nagai] You kids be quiet back there or I'll turn Japan right around and head back home. >The crowd roared its approval. > Bots: Wooo! Mike: Wow. I guess booking Kid Rock as Kenji's opening act was actually a good idea. >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- > >Lawndale was just one of your typical suburban American >communities. Crow: Well, aside from being animated. > At one rather well-appointed house lived the >Morgendorffers. Tom: But they're not important to our story. Let's continue on down the block to 121 Mockingbird Lane.... > It was just after dinner and eldest daughter >Daria had just went to her room; All: [Daria theme] o/~ La la, LA! La la! La la, LA! La la! o/~ > it was pretty unusual because >its walls were mostly padded, a holdover from the previous >owners, who kept their crazy aunt in there. Crow: [narrator] The aunt wrote bad crossover fanfiction, so they confined her to a padded room. > Posters of a >bleached skeleton in the desert and of exetensionalist author >Franz Kafka adorned the walls. Tom: Daria, as written by Quinn! > Daria had just logged on the >Internet. Crow: [Daria] I have to stop going to that "Hamsterdance" site. But they're so cute...! > Jane Lane, Daria's best friend, was sitting on Daria's >bed. > Mike: Writing Nocturnes. >"You've got mail!," chirped the computer. > Tom: And 400 of those pop-up ads. >"And you've got a stick up your ass!," quipped Daria in reply. > Mike: Ah, there's that Morgendorffer wit we all know and love! Tom: The part of Daria today will be played by Adam Sandler. >Jane snickered and then spat out, "That was a good one, Daria! >You go, girl!" > Tom: And the part of Jane Lane will be played by a random member of the Jenny Jones audience. >Daria looked at her e-mail messages. Some of it was spam for >hair tonic, get-rich-quick schemes, and pornography. Mike: The rest was just junk. > There even >was one sick individual who wanted a downloadable picture of >Daria in her underwear. > Mike: [Daria] I told Calvin Klein that I'm just not interested! >"That pervert!," Daria stated, " Who does he think I am, Linda >Lovelace?" Crow: And so our story comes to screeching halt as Daria checks her email. > >Jane shot back, "He probably confused you for some porno star." > Tom: Well, he did call her "Dareyata Moanendoher". >"Look at this one, Jane," said Daria in amazement. > Crow: [Daria] Microsoft will pay me money if I forward this email to everyone I know! >"Who's it from?," Jane inquired. > >Daria responded, "It's from my friend in Japan, Ami." > Mike: Bon Ami? The cleanser? Why would it be friends with you? >"What does it say?," Jane wanted to know. > Tom: "Why should I care?," Tom wondered. >Daria began to read it: > Mike: [Ami] Need crossover urgently. Leave your personality at home, will supply new one on arrival. >"It says: 'Come here quickly. This is important. I can't tell >you here. I'll explain everything when you arrive.'" > Crow: [Ami] Oh yeah, come alone and bring a rubber ducky. >"Better be careful, Daria," cautioned Jane, "Sometimes these >Internet-initiated face-to-face meetings get kinky." > Crow: Only if you're lucky. Heh-heh. >Daria replied, "Jane, Ami is not some pervert. We're both smart; Tom: And smart folks are always well-adjusted! Ask Professor Kaczynski! >we're both unappreciated with our classmates, Tom: [Daria] We're both incredibly, unbelievably modest... > and we both have to >put up with geeks." > Mike: And freaks too! And that chubby guy at the leisure suit store! >"You mean Japan has its own version of Upchuck?," said Jane in >amazement. > Crow: Sure, didn't you see the "Gamera" movies? Kid named Kenny? >"Yep. His name is Gurio," Daria said; Tom: Guerin-o? Mike: No, Goosio! The delightful Maltese goose who teaches children- Crow: [interrupting, annoyed] Mike, will you let that go, please?! We said we were sorry! And you got a free dinner out of it! Mike: Oh, right! Yeah. Tasted like chicken. Very comforting. > "The sick part is he's got >a rather pretty, good-natured girlfriend named Naru." > Crow: [Daria] That's so icky I don't even want to think about it! >"Better call 'Sick Sad World' and tell them you've got a scoop >for them!," snickered Jane. > >"Well, we'd better tell Mom and Dad about this," stated Daria. > Crow: Oh! Oh this must be that special joke-free episode of "Daria" they did when the writers went on strike! Tom: Keep dreaming. >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- > >The entire Morgendorffer family was gathered in the living room. Crow: Inspector Poirot was about to reveal the identity of the killer. >Jake and Helen, Daria's parents, were on the couch while Daria, >Jane and Quinn, Mike: Jane's part of the family now? > Daria's sister, were on another couch next to the >adjacent wall. Crow: Wow! Look how much bigger the room seems now that they've removed the story ! Tom: It's the mark of a true artiste. > Quinn was wearing that stupid smiley face T-shirt >and her red miniskirt she once wore to seduce Kevin Thompson, Tom: The Wisconsin governor? > the >star quarterback for Lawndale High. > Tom: Oh. >"Quinn, if that skirt had a slit in it, people would compare you >Ashley Judd," Daria said. > Crow: Then your husband will probably fake his death and you'll have to shoot him in front of Tommy Lee Jones. Mike: And two years after that, no one will return your calls. >"Daria! Give me a break!," Quinn replied. > >"Anyway, your friend Ami wants you to go see her in Tokyo right >away, Daria?", Helen asked. > Crow: [Daria] Yup, someone off the net wants to meet me in another country on the other side of the planet. I'm already packed and ready to go! Oh, but she wants pictures of me in my underwear. Dad, do you have your Polaroid handy? Tom: Anybody else having trouble with this? >"Yes, she did, Mom," was Daria's response. > Mike: Thanks for clarifying that, I wasn't sure at first! >"This is rather unusual, Daria," said Helen in concern; "You'll >miss the big game against Highland." > Crow: [Helen] You know how much you like those football game corndogs.... >"Oh, whoopee!," shot back Daria; Tom: Isn't she supposed to be wittier or is it this story? Mike: Guess which one I'm betting on. > "I'll just miss my old nemeses >Beavis and Butt-Head. Tom: Namedropper! I suppose you'll miss your old nemeses Baby Huey and Felix the Cat, too! Mike: Boy, the crossovers are startin' to pile up like old newspapers here. > I hated it when those two called me >'Diarrhea, cha-cha-cha!'". > Crow: At this point, Beavis & Butthead might actually be a step *up*. Tom: Careful what you wish for, Crow. Crow: *gulp!* >"Oh, Daria, boys will be boys!," Jake answered. "Heck, I >probably didn't do any worse than they did when I was their age." > Tom: [Jake] I was quite the little hellraiser in my youth. Why, I practically invented "Mary Mary Can't Eat Dairy"! >"Jake, how dare you defend those two!," Helen roared. Mike: o/~ In the suburbs, the quiet suburbs, the Helen roars tonight. o/~ > "Those two >are so perverted they make Larry Flint look like Mahatma Gandhi!" > Crow: Oh. So they're like Marv Albert. >"But, Honey--," began Jake > >Helen silenced him by roaring, "SHUT UP, JAKE!" > Mike: No, it's Wesley. Tom: Huh? Mike: Sorry. Reflex action. >"Yes, Dear!," was Jake's meekish reply. > >"Well, I guess if it's OK with the school," Helen said, "it's OK >with me. Crow: The principal screamed to the high heavens, but the building itself had no objections per se. > I always thought going to foreign countries helps to >broaden one's horizons." > Mike: [Helen] Of course, I always used to think that way about LSD, too.... >"I think there's an opening in our foreign exchange program, Mom. Tom: [Daria] It's to Turkey, but I think I have enough frequent flyer miles to upgrade. >I'll ask," Daria replied. > >"Oh, Honey, you're going to like this!," Helen said. > Tom: And if she doesn't, she's outta the will! >"Then again, I could live to regret it," warned Daria. > Crow: I know we are! >"What will happen if Beavis and Butt-Head notice that you're not >at the game? Mike: They'll just have to ask everyone about the score, and then snicker constantly? > They'll pick on me! What will I do?," Quinn >shrieked. > Crow: Just toss them a shiny object. That should keep them busy for a while. >"Keep your legs crossed," Daria sneered. > Crow: It's a Playskool story. All sharp edges removed! >Jane snickered sinisterly over that remark. > Tom: And here we have a classic example of the brainless yes-man, moving right along.... >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- > >At an underground bunker right beneath the Lawndale Gun Club, the >Lawndale Militia was meeting. Anthony Corlew, the commander, >rose to speak. > Mike: Dearly beloved... we are gathered here today to get through this thing called life! >"Gee, Commander, what are we going to do tonight?", asked a >member named Poindexter. > Tom: Well, rip off more talented creative artists, it would seem. >"The same thing we do every night, Poindexter: Crow: [Corlew] Try to steal Felix's magic bag! > Try to take over >Lawndale!," said Anthony. > Mike: Um - ha? Ha? >With that out of the way, Tom: Oh, you mean the comedy relief's over? Crow: When did it start? > he continued: > >"'Operation In Your Face' is proceeding as scheduled. Mike: What, radial keratotomy? > As >everyone knows, the whole town will turn out for the big game >against Highland. Crow: [Corlew] Hospitals, Nursing Homes, Orphanages - everything will be emptied in honor of the sacred f'ball game! > During that time, we will launch a blitzkrieg >attack and take over city hall, the police station Mike: ...several pubs and taverns... > and the >courthouse. Crow: But lay off Baskin Robbins! I have a coupon! > We will strike at half-time. Tom: When the town is in the can. > We've got all our >firepower ready. In four days, Lawndale will be ours!" > Crow: Well, at least this story is culturally balanced. Mike: Yeah, it has stupid Japanese, Arabic *and* American bad guys! >Roars of approval echoed throughout the bunker. Mike: Man, all this just to circumvent Lawndale's prohibitive leash laws. Crow: Well, you can't get dog owners mad, Mike. They go nuts. > >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- > >Nakajimi Tetsuo was going down a street in Shinjuku. Crow: If he's being chased by a guy named Levih, I'm leaving. > He was >about five and a half feet tall with raven black hair and wore a >dark blue suit. Tom: He's one of Tom Wolfe's "Masters of the Universe". Mike: Wait, this is Japan. Shouldn't we be using the metric system? > He had a good job as a stockbroker, but visions >of a terrible past still haunted him: > Crow: His years as "official babe troller" for the New Kids On The Block had left their scars! >"We are the Mecha-Dominion! We will absorb your world into our >realm! Mike: We are the Starbucks collective! You will be assimilated into our rich distinctive blend! > Rebellion against us is useless!" Then the screams of >slaughter. > Tom: So, was this when he was still a stockbroker or...? Mike: Tom, they aren't kidding when they talk about "hostile takeovers." >But now a new, more terrible vision filled his mind. Mike: [Tetsuo] Aaaaaaah!!!! No more "Old Navy" ads!!! > A jet >fighter coming out of nowhere. Missiles firing at landmark >buildings. Fire everywhere. Bodies scattered in every >direction. > Mike: Larry King on every channel! No! >Tetsuo stopped. "Tokyo is in danger!," he exclaimed. > >----------------------------------------------------------------- Crow: [grandly] This looks like a job for- Day Traderman! [less grandly] Right after I check the overseas markets... I'll just be a minute, I swear... Tom: Let's get outta here before Prince of Space shows up. Crow: Wow. I wonder what he's doing these days? Mike: [picking Tom up] Probably bootblacking. I heard he like it very much. Crow: By the way, Mike. We've got a surprise for you out on the bridge. Mike: Um, okay, I guess. [The trio exits] [1. . . 2. . . 3. . . 4. . . 5. . . 6. . . ] [Bridge] [A large tarp covers the back wall of the Bridge. After a moment, a blindfolded Mike is led in by Tom and Crow.] Mike: Okay, guys. What's this big secret that you want to show me? Crow: Well, Tom and I have been working on something in our off time here on the satellite, and I think that you'll really enjoy it. Tom: Okay! Here we are! And... um, Mike? We can't reach your blindfold... Mike: I've got it. [Mike removes his blindfold as the bots gesture at the back wall.] Mike: Wow. A tarp. Well, I'm impressed. Crow: No! Not the tarp. *Behind* the tarp. Tom: Can you take care of the tarp, Mike? We've got those non-functioning limbs... Mike: Oh, all right. [Mike grabs hold of a rope near the tarp and gives the rope a tug. The tarp falls away, revealing a large door.] Mike: Okay, a door is a bit more impressive than the tarp was... Tom: Mike, it's not just a door. It's the door to a brand new land of pleasure and excitement for us! Crow: That's right, Mikey. For Tom and I have built us a brand new... Bots: [Dramatically] HOLOGAZEBO! [Mike is silent for a moment.] Mike: A hologazebo? Crow: Yes! Mike: Is that similar to a holodeck? Tom: You betcha! See, Crow and I got the plans from a Star Trek website... Mike: ARE YOU TWO INSANE? [The bots are quiet for a moment.] Crow: Well, no... Tom: My self-diagnostics indicate that everything is okey-dokey. Mike: Let me get this straight. You two have built, on the satellite, the one thing on Star Trek that malfunctioned practically every time it appeared?! Crow: Um, yes. Mike: And you think this is a good thing?! Tom: Come on, Mike. Think of it as a miniature Dream Park, right here on the SoL. Mike: Uh-huh. And how many time in those books is someone murdered in the Park? Crow: Mike, this won't malfunction. After all, Tom and I built it! Mike: Fine. Let's try a little test, shall we? Crow, why don't you boot up the most non-threatening program that you can think of? Crow: Okay. Computer? [The computer's voice responds, sounding a great deal like Christopher Walken.] Computer: [V.O.] Working. [Mike stares at the bots.] Tom: The Majel Barret voice module was sold out. [Mike shrugs and Crow resumes speaking.] Crow: Computer, run program "Fluffy, Fuzzy Bunnies have a picnic." Computer: [V.O.] Affirmative. Mike: Okay. Now watch. [Mike walks over to the command console, bends down and picks up a red, rubber ball. He hold it up for the bots to see, then walks over to the door to the hologazebo, which slides open with a "swoosh" SFX. Happy sounding, slightly tinny music pours in from the hologazebo, along with the sounds of laughter. Mike casually tosses the ball into the hologazebo. Suddenly, sounds of unbearable violence can be heard from the inside of the hologazebo.] Tom: Ick. I've never seen rubber bleed before. Crow: Come on, Mike. Clearly the Fluffy, Fuzzy Bunnies were provoked by that threatening object. Mike: Okay, new test. Crow, I'm going to throw you into the hologazebo to make contact with the bunnies... Crow: All right. It's a deathtrap. Is that what you wanted to hear? [sobbing] Did you really want to smash a little bot's dreams? We just wanted to help, is that so wrong? [The fiction sign begins to flash merrily.] Mike: Look, we'll discuss this later. Right now, WE'VE GOT MISERY SIGN! [Mike hits the light and the door sequence begins.] [6 . . . 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . ] >--------------------------------------------------------------- > >Data 2: Ms. Morgendorffer Goes to Tokyo > Crow: While Debbie Does Dublin! >Lawndale International Airport was kind of lonely at this time of >day. Tom: It could use a pick-me-up bouquet. > Except for a few Hare Krishnas here and there, not too many >people were in the lobby. > Crow: They had all joined the crew in the cockpit for margaritas. >"Now, Daria, did you pack some clean underwear like I asked you >to?," Helen asked. > >"Yes, Mother," Daria answered > Crow: [Helen] Did you remember your teddy bear? Tom: [Daria] Yes.... Crow: [Helen] You aren't listening to me are you? Tom: [Daria] Yes.... >"Daria," Quinn asked, "Could you bring back one of those kimonos >for me, please?" > Mike: [Quinn] Ooh! And one of those talking toilets too! >"Quinn," Daria stated, those kimonos are pretty damn expensive." > Tom: Oh come on! Where's that dry-as-a-desert Daria wit?! Crow: Yeah, like "Why don't I get you something more authentically Japanese? Like mercury poisoning?" >"Pretty please?," Quinn whined. > >"C'mon, Daria," Jake said, "this is probably going to be the only >time you'll ever get to go to Japan." > Mike: [Daria] Dad, they sell them at Pier 1. Crow: [Quinn] And that sex shop on 5th... Whoops. >"OK, OK," Daria said, resignedly; "if I see one at a reasonable >price, I'll get one for you." > >"Thanks, Daria!," chirped Quinn > Mike: [grandly] She agrees to buy souvenirs! [sings Daria theme] o/~ La la, LA-la la! o/~ >Besides Daria and her family, there was Jane, and the only two >friends in Lawndale High School they had, Crow: Booze and denial! > Jodie Landon and >Michael Jordan Mackenzie, or Mack for short. > Tom: G'day, eh? Where's the beer? >"If there's any airheads at the high school you're going to, >Daria, heckle them for me," Mike: Well, that takes care of Usagi right off the bat. > Jane said. "And see if they've got a >Japanese version of 'Sick Sad World' over there." > Crow: Heck, the entire Japanese lineup could be shown on SSW! >"Right," responded Daria. > Tom: [Jane] Left, sir. >"Have a nice time over there," Jodie added. "Let me know what >you think of the sushi." > Mike: [Daria] Well, I think it's pretty much raw fish and rice. >""I've got a cousin at an American base not too far from Tokyo. >Maybe you can look him up," Mack said as he gave Daria a slip of >paper. > Crow: A fortune! You will go to Japan and be trapped in a goofy crossover! In bed! >"I'll try my best, Mack," Daria answered. > >The airport PA system announced that the flight to Tokyo would >soon be boarding. > Mike: [PA] Flight 101, now boarding children, pregnant women, and poorly drawn animated characters on Runway 6. Crow: [Daria] Well, that's me guys. >"You'd better get on board, Daria," Helen said. > Tom: [Helen] If you don't, you'll regret it. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon and for the rest of your life! >"Right," Daria said. " Bye, everyone. I'll write often." > Tom: [Daria] To remind you how my superiority over the lot of you pathetic, non-angsty losers continually depresses me. >With that Daria hugged her family and friends, and went down the >gate. > Mike: Um, when was the last time Daria hugged *anything*? Crow: When she was 4 - her teddy bear, "Ennui". >"Man, I really envy Daria right now," Quinn said. "She's going >to Japan and I have to go to the big game in three days and put >up with Beavis and Butt-Head." > Mike: Well, don't go to the game then, geez.... >As if there couldn't be anyone dumber than those two, Kevin >Thompson, the star quarterback for Lawndale High, and his >girlfriend, head cheerleader Brittany Taylor, appeared. Crow: I detect juuust a bit of hostility against these two from the author. Mike: Really? Crow: Yeah, it might be too subtle for most people to pick up though. > Kevin >was wearing his football uniform (which he wore everywhere) Tom: Even to church. Even to sleep. Even to sleep in church. > while >Brittany was in her cheerleader uniform, which showed how well >endowed (and stupid) she was. > Tom: That's some uniform! Crow: I bet it even tells us her real hair color! >"Hey, what's up, everyone?," Brittany asked as she twirled her >hair around her finger. > Mike: She shouldn't play with her wig like that - it makes it really noticeable. >"Daria just left for Japan," Jake said. > Mike: [Kevin] Yay! Crow: [Jake] But she's coming back. Mike: [Kevin] Oh, damn. >"Hey, I hear Japan's a pretty cool country," Kevin said. > Crow: [Kevin] They got Indians, right? >"But not as cool as you, Kevin," gushed Brittany as she hugged >Kevin. > Tom: [wistful] Wow, Mike, I'll bet this takes you back to the first time you fell deeply in love with a comely young girl who dumped you for the school jock! Mike: [same] Yeah, lotta good mem- [stops] hey! >"Aw, gee, Cupcake!," Kevin replied. Crow: You're such a good hostess! Ha! Hostess! Because I called you cupcake! > "Anyway, when's the next >drill, Mack Daddy?" > Mike: [Mack] Sears has theirs on sale next week. >"Kevin," Mack said, "For the last time, don't call me 'Mack >Daddy'! I hate that name!" > Tom: [mother] Oh, Mack dearie. If you show them it bothers you, it just encourages him! >"OOPS! Sorry!", Kevin gasped. > Crow: [Yul Brynner] I'm dead now. Don't smoke. But if you do, be sure to ask your local video store for "The King and I", now out on DVD! >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- > >Narita Airport (or New Tokyo International Airport, as it was >officially known) was hopping when Daria arrived. Crow: Trying to work off some of that holiday paunch, I see. > Already jet >lag was taking its toll on her. She looked like she'd been >through a war. > Tom: Specifically the War of the Nerds. Crow: [nerdy] You nimrod! Jadzia is way cooler than Ezri! Mike: [nerdy] Die! >"They're right," Daria muttered to herself, "Airline food is >lousy!" Mike: She repeats a tired cliché! o/~ La la, LA-la la! o/~ > She did look disheveled. Crow: Thank you for pointing that out....repeatedly! > She didn't sleep too well on >the flight. Tom: This kid with a really big forehead kept kicking the back of her seat. > Her hair was a wreck, her olive drab jacket was >scrunched up, her black skirt was hiked up, Tom: Heh. I can see her un-Daria-wear. Whoo! Mike: Don't force it, Tom. > and one of the laces >on her combat boots was untied. Tom: And she suddenly felt a vestigial nipple in her left armpit. > Just then, she walked right into >someone. > Tom: AHHH!!! She's a demon! Mike: Daria's real problem is she's overly *possessive!* [waves his hand] Thank you! I'm here all week! >"A thousand pardons to you, Madam!," said the stranger. > >"Up yours!," Daria yelled back. > Crow: Daria Morgendorffer: International Ambassador of Goodwill. >Daria didn't know it, but she bumped into the person who was >going to nuke Lawndale in three days time. > Mike: It just goes to show you, always be polite. Or else someone might nuke your hometown for your rudeness. >Akbar went up to a rent-a-car counter and rented a Toyota Corolla >2-door. Crow: [Akbar] Ah yes! Good model! Lots of storage for nitrogen-based fertiliz- DAH, I mean, toast! Much room for toast! Mike: And the author sneaks in some product placement to earn a few extra bucks. > He then went to a pay phone to book a room at a nearby >motel. > Tom: [Akbar] Please not to give me room near American devils Mulder and Scully! I need my sleep! >"In three days time," Akbar said to himself, "The Great Satan >will have his war brought home to him!" > Crow: In 30 minutes or it's free! >Daria, meanwhile, was surprised to see a chauffeur standing with >a card that said "Morgendorffer" on it. > Tom: That's a really big card.... >"Are you Ms. Daria Morgendorffer?," asked the chauffeur. > >"Yes, and who might you be, the welcoming committee from Hell?" > Mike: [droll] Yes. You may call me the Chauffeur of the Flies. >"Your sense of humor is sharp," Crow: Like a beachball. Tom: I was leaning toward Patrick Stewart's head myself. Mike: I'm still waiting for her to be witty. > the chauffeur said, "but I was >sent at the request of Mizuno Ami, your friend. She told me to >take you directly to Sendai Hill Shrine. It was important." > Tom: Wait a minute, how can Ami afford a limo? Mike: Merchandising? Crow: Sales of Sailor Moon brand jeans are up 400% this year! >"Lead the way," Daria said. "Things couldn't get much worse. Crow: o/~ I have to admit, it's getting better! A little better... o/~ >After all, the food was lousy, and I didn't sleep well at all." > Tom: [Daria] And your culture is a more disturbing than an Uncle Duke fever dream. >"Right this way," the chauffeur said. > Crow: If I could right that way, I wouldn't *need* the talcum powder! Mike: [chauffeur] Would you like the radio? We have Gamera News, Godzilla News, Mothra News, and Country 101.6. >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- > >"Ami," Hino Rei, the miko of Sendai Hill Shrine Crow: Sounds like a Cypress Hill/Wu Tang Clang crossover. > began to say, >"you'd better have a good reason why you asked all of us to be >here right now! You interrupted me right in the middle of shrine >services!" > Tom: [Rei] You think being this bitchy comes naturally?! >"This won't take long," Ami promised. "As you know, in three >days, I leave for Germany. However, the Sailor Senshi won't be >undermanned. Mike: [Ami] Er, girled. > I got someone coming who will take my place while >I'm gone." > Crow: [Ami] Don't be alarmed if she brings her Eva. >"This better be worth it," Kino Makoto added, "since the last >time you were planning to go to Germany, you changed your mind at >the last minute." > Tom: [Makoto] You really put a damper on our 'Ami's Gone' party you know! >"Yeah," Usagi added, "and Mamoru had dumped me!" > >"AHEM!," Mamoru cleared his throat. > >"OOPS! Sorry!," Usagi gasped. > Crow: Um, what just happened here? Tom: Damn, parallelism again! X-men/Star Trek was bad enough! >"I'm pretty sure that the person you will meet will live up to >everyone's expectations," Artemis said. "Ami said that she was >as smart as she is." > Mike: But not as 'talented'. Crow: I'll say! >"Great," moaned Aino Minako, "another egghead who prefers curling >up with a good book instead of going to the movies with a guy! >Don't eggheads like you have lives, Ami?" > Tom: Hoo boy..... Crow: Someone doesn't quite grasp the meaning of "Friendship" do they? >"And what do you mean by that remark, Minako?," Ami demanded. > Mike: [Minako] That you're an egghead who prefers curling up with a good book instead of going to the movies with a guy! But don't take it personally or anything. >"Now, now, ladies," Luna said, "Let's not get hot under the >collar! Crow: Your fans want you hot somewhere else, if the e-mail's any indication. > I'm pretty sure all will work out for the best." > Crow: [Luna] At least it isn't one of those SI people.... >Just then, Daria arrived. She introduced herself rather curtly: > Tom: Which, to be fair, was her normal tone of voice. >"Hello. My name is Daria Morgendorffer. All: [Sailor Senshi] *GAI-JIN!!!* > I'm from Lawndale, USA. Mike: [Daria] My turn-ons are black-and-white movies, long walks by moonlight, and candlewax dripped slowly on my bare, arching back. My turn-offs... >I just had one Hell Tom: (TM), of course. Mike: Back out of the Looniverse, guys. > of a flight, my stomach's upset from the >airline food, I didn't sleep well, Crow: [Daria] And apparently I've been subjected to a complete humorectomy. > and I've got a short temper. >So let's cut the crap and get down to business." > Mike: [Daria] Who's the hit? >Usagi swallowed with a loud "ULP!" > Tom: Usagi is Popeye? Crow: Yep. She's Popeye the Sailor-moon! *toot* Mike: Just what we need, anime of a schoolgirl reaching down the front of her dress. >Ami knew she had to defuse the situation quickly. > Mike: [Ami] Perhaps booze will alleviate this situation? >"Well, Daria, I'm sorry that your flight didn't go too well," Ami >began to say; "Please, let me introduce you to my friends. Crow: 2 hours later, we finally learn who these people are! > The >one with the long blonde ponytails is Tsukino Usagi. Crow: Her likes are: Mamoru, food, sleep, and shiny objects. Tom: Her hates are: Chibi-Usa, self-insertion characters, Chibi-Usa, and thinking. > The black- >haired lady in the white robe and red hakama is Hino Rei, the >miko of this shrine. Crow: [Ami] You guys can say hello any time! Feel free! Mike: I wish I had a clue of what a miko is. > The girl with the auburn ponytail is Kino >Makoto. Bots: WAR EAGLE!!! > The other blonde with the bow in her hair is Aino >Minako. Tom: The devil with the blue dress, blue dress, blue dress, devil with the blue dress on is a way cool Mitch Ryder tune. > The girl with long dark green hair is Meiou Setsuna. Mike: [Ami] And what a tale we have to tell about how she got that! >The one with the short, dirty blond hair is Ten'ou Haruka. Tom: [Haruka] Yours isn't that clean either! Mike: I hope you're getting this, there's a quiz next period. > The >girl with the green hair is Kaiou Michiru. Crow: [Michiru] Ami, I protest! We Sailor Senshi are complex characters with depth and emotion that cannot be described by just hair colors! Tom: [Ami] Oh? Crow: [Michiru] Well... all right, but you could at least pretend! > The lady with the >short black hair is Tomoe Horatu. The little girl with pink hair >is Chibi-Usa. Mike: o/~ Gimme a fic with hair! Long, beautiful ha-air! o/~ > The guy with black hair is Chiba Mamoru. Mike: [Ami] And, of course, Bubbles, Blossom and Buttercup. Crow: [Daria] Let me see if I have this straight: Kinky Toto, Ain't No Minnow, Mayo Set Sauna, Ten To Harpo, Kai's Power Tools, Tomato Horatio, Cheap USA and Chubby Su-Maru? Tom: [Ami, giggling] Close enough! > The >black cat is Luna, and the white one is Artemis." > Crow: Somewhere, someone in Roanoke, VA is smiling. Mike: [Daria] Well, now that the intros are out of the way, let's wrassle! >A less-than-enthusiastic "Hello" issued from everyone. > >"I see this is going to be a tough crowd," Daria said. > Tom: If this were a commercial, now would be when she'd whip out a big McDonald's bag from behind her back and shout, "I brought fries!", and they'd all cheer and smile and be friends! > "OK, Usagi," Ami said, "I guess you should let Daria know our >secret." > Tom: [Usagi] About the eleven secret herbs and spices?? Crow: [Ami] The *other* secret! Tom: [Usagi] Oh. Ok... Well, Daria, me and Ami.... Crow: [Ami] No! The *other* other secret! >Usagi drew a deep breath and began: > Mike: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times... >"Daria, what if I told you that everything is not as it seems >here?" > Mike: [Usagi] Oh, to hell with it. Morpheus, you give the "red pill/blue pill" speech. I need a drink. >"You dragged me all the way here to tell me something I already >know?," shot back Daria, sarcastically. "What a gyp!" > Crow: [Daria] Well, if you're done with me I'll just go home now. >"Trust me on this one," Usagi continued, "what if I told you that >a thousand years ago we all lived on the Moon as members of the >Royal Court of the Moon Kingdom?" > Tom: [Daria] I shoulda stuck with that Freakazoid crossover Spielberg was hawking me! >Daria groaned, "Beam me up, Scotty, this planet is going to Hell >in a handbasket!" > Tom: And the handbasket is known as "anime"! >"C'mon, Daria, I'm being serious here!," continued Usagi; "You >see, a thousand years ago Queen Beryl and her Dark Kingdom >destroyed the Moon Kingdom and my mother, Queen Serenity. Tom: Then Santa Claus came down from Heaven in his spaceship and... oh, you finish it! I'm bitter! > We >were sent to Earth and reincarnated so we could protect the Earth >from the Dark Kingdom and all other threats. Mike: Oh, so they're all Hindus! Crow: No, Mike. > We defeated the >Dark Kingdom, Ail and Ann, the Wiseman and the Four Sisters, Tom: Mike Ovitz... > the >Death Busters, Crow: The Dust Busters... that one I think the police could've handled, frankly... > the Black Moon Circus, and--most recently--Sailor >Galaxia. Mike: Plus The Joker, The Penguin, The Riddler... Crow: Doc Ock, The Green Goblin, Kraven... Tom: The Cylons, The Vorlons, That Scorpion guy from "Farscape"... > You see, we are the Sailor Senshi you may have heard >about in the news. Crow: [Daria] You're the guys who took bribes to guarantee government PDA contracts for Novacorp? Tom: [Ami] No, the *other* news! > I'm Sailor Moon; Ami's Sailor Mercury; Rei's >Sailor Mars; Mike: Chad... is just Chad. But the uniform fits his hips so well! > Mako's Sailor Jupiter; Minako's Sailor Venus; Crow: Don't forget Sailor Redundant; Sailor Redundant; and her sidekick, Sailor Redundant... > Chibi- >Usa's Sailor Chibi-Moon; Mike: She would have been Sailor Shoemaker-Levy 9, but that's a member of the LSH. > Setsuna's Sailor Pluto; Tom: Omit needless Senshi! Omit needless Senshi! > Haruka's Sailor >Uranus; Mike: Guys... Tom: Don't worry, Nelson, it's too easy. Crow: Yeah, like shooting bunnies in a barrel. > Michiru's Sailor Neptune; Hotaru's Sailor Saturn; >Mamoru's Tuxedo Mask, Crow: Or Sailor Beefcake as we call him... > and Luna and Artemis can talk." > Tom: And a hard boiled egg. [Crow makes a honking noise.] Tom: Make that two hard boiled eggs. Mike: [Usagi] Excuse me....need to catch my breath for a sec. *huff* >Daria began to sarcastically hum the theme from "The Twilight >Zone". > Mike: Rod Serling's ghost quickly appeared to beat her up. >"Daria," Luna said, "I will not allow you to act sarcastically! Crow: You will sincerely mean your sarcasm or bring shame to the country you call Lawndale! >That is not the proper way for a Sailor Senshi to behave! Mike: Welcome to Japan! Conform or die! > This >is a serious situation you're in. Let Ami explain." > Crow: More explaining?! NOOOOOO! Tom: Jeez, "Dune" had less exposition than this. >"Daria," Ami said "as you know, I have to leave for my medical >studies in Germany in three days. Tom: Studying under the great V. V. Fronkenshteen, no doubt. > Someone has to take my place >as Sailor Mercury while I'm gone. Crow: And since Nancy Walker won't return our calls, you're in! > I think you're the best person >there is." > Mike: Well then. Ami's lost her mind. >Daria shot back, "First, you cook up some cockamamie story about >being recreated from some Moon Kingdom, Crow: No, first was the two-hour introduction scene. Weren't you listening? > now I have talking cats >to deal with. Is this 'Candid Camera', and if so, where's Allan >Funt?" > Mike: Um, slowly decomposing in his coffin? >"Daria," Luna replied, "believe me, I know this is kind of >difficult for you to take, Tom: But you gotta eat Chibi's boogers or you can't be in the club! > but at first we didn't know if this >would be feasible, since you weren't around during the Silver >Millennium. Crow: [Luna] I'd explain what that means, but now it's time to remind you of our various hair styles. > But I think it can be done. Ami, give me your power >stick." > Mike: [Ami] What?! No! That's personal and priv- oh! Sorry, you meant the superhero thing, heh. I'll get it. >Ami handed it to Luna; she then gave it to Daria. > Tom: Who gave it to Charlie Trie, who traded it to the Chinese for Democrat campaign contributions. >Luna continued, "Now, the both of you hold on to my tail". Crow: Good. Let's train the kids to grab the kitty's tail! Good call. Mike: Crow, the whole thing's just a ruse by Luna to get free skritchies. > They >both did, and Ami's Sailor Mercury powers left her and entered >Daria. > Tom: [Luna] Very good. Now the painful series of 14 injections to the stomach! Mike: Shouldn't they give her some kind of test first? Crow: Or at least check her references? >"I didn't notice a damn difference," sneered Daria. > Tom: [Daria] I do feel like making a short speech about love and justice though. >"Now, hold the power stick up high and say 'SUPER MERCURY STAR >POWER, MAKE-UP!,'" said Luna. > Crow: Then hit "F1" repeatedly. A black screen with a series of menu options should appear. >"OK, but I don't think anything is going to happen," was Daria's >curt reply. > Tom: Yeah, that's what they always say. >Daria held the power stick like it was some moldy breadstick the >local pizzeria back at Lawndale was giving away, Mike: SUPER FANFIC ALLEGORY POWER, GROSS OUT! > and said "SUPER >MERCURY STAR POWER, MAKE-UP!". Tom: I don't picture Daria as a make-up kinda girl. > Immediately, Daria had the >sensation that someone had ripped her clothes off. Tom: Are we sure this isn't a Venus 5 crossover? Mike: Don't give the authors ideas, Tom. > "Great, now >the whole damn world can see I've got small breasts!", she >muttered to herself. Mike: If it helps, they're still bigger than mine. > As soon as the transformation was complete, >and Daria was in Sailor Mercury's seirafuku costume, everyone >knew that the transfer was successful. > Tom: Well the *costuming* was successful. And that's all they really cared about. >"Congratulations, Daria! You're now the new Sailor Mercury!," >Usagi blushed. Tom: Loud blush. > She motioned Daria to a nearby mirror. Daria >took one look. > >"I hate this seirafuku," Daria replied; Mike: o/~ That's all it took! Yeah, just one look! o/~ > "it looks frumpy on me! Mike: [Ami] Yeah, you kind of do... Damn! Hokiyama Blackwell's released his list of the Ten Worst Dressed Animated Characters. You're three of the top four! >I want something else!" > Mike: [Ami] Okay, we've got a bikini version of our uniform you can wear... >"Daria," Luna said, "this is the uniform of the Sailor Senshi. >Wear it with pride." > Mike: "Pride" being this lacy little undergarment thing here. Crow: [Luna] When you go out on that bar top, you're not just dancing for yourself, you're dancing for all of us! >Daria stepped on Luna's tail in response; Crow: Those cats will have bells on their tails and bags on their feet before this is over. > Luna gave out a loud >"ROWR!". > Tom: [Daria] You're not Luna! You're Upchuck in disguise! Mike: [Upchuck] I like my Sailor Senshi feisty! >"UP YOURS!," Daria bickered. > Mike: She insults a helpless housecat! *o/~ La la, LA-la la! o/~* Tom: Daria's personality in this fic was donated by Wendy O' Williams. >"I don't think Daria's going to be a good team member, Mamoru," >whined Usagi. > Crow: Duh. Well maybe you shouldn't have let her on the team then. Tom: They can always put her on monitor duty while the rest of the Superfriends fight the Legion of Doom. >"I couldn't agree with you more, Usagi," conceded Mamoru.. > Tom: [Usagi] What say we blow this joint and go to Bermuda? >----------------------------------------------------------------- Tom: Hey guys, read between the lines! Hehehehe.... [Mike and Crow groan.] >-------------------------------------------------------------- > >Hamada Ieyasu was just a typical person living in a quiet street >in a suburb of Narita. Crow: Well, except for being fictional. > That is, he would be typical except for >one thing: Mike: He actually *enjoys* ham and pineapple pizza. Tom: Say, that *is* science fictional! Mike: Sci2K me! > he had a working-order Kawasaki Ki-45 Toryu night >fighter/ground attack aircraft in his backyard. Mike: Ah, that's nothing! I used to know a guy who kept a Sherman tank in his backyard and an anti-aircraft gun on his roof. Until that day he started shooting at those gnomes... > He had a long, >gray, tapered Fu Manchu beard and was greasy from his work. Crow: Hey, it's Fong! Tom: Wow, he's really moved up from Cave Dwellers. Mike: Is he one of those guys from those kung-fu movies you told me about? Tom: Not quite... > He >wore a soft cap and a velvet jacket. Tom: It wouldn't happen to be a smoking jacket would it? Mike: I'm missing something here, I can feel it. > He was doing some routine >maintenance on it when his grandson Hideki asked him about the >plane. > Crow: [Hideki] Pawpaw, wouldn't it work better if it had an engine? Tom: [Ieyasu] That's just crazy talk, boy! >"You're pretty proud of that airplane, aren't you, Grandpa?," >began Hideki. > Mike: [Ieyasu] Yes, yes I am. Now get off, you're scratching the paint! >Ieyasu began to tell him about the plane: > Crow: [Ieyasu] Yessir, me and this baby shot down a lot of planes in its day. Tom: [Hideki] That was during the war, right? Crow: [Ieyasu] Yes. Of course. During the war, and not last week. >"Yes I am, Hideki. I may have flown it in a losing cause, but it >served me well. Tom: Oh, he's that guy in the Douglas Adams skit! The kamikaze pilot who flew thirty-four missions! He's funny! Mike: Tommy? Don't get your hopes up. > I was just lucky that I managed to salvage parts >for it and rebuild it; Mike: Thankfully there are lots of airplane junkyards in Japan. > after the way, the American occupation >forces scrapped most of our nation's war capabilities. Tom: Good thing he hung onto the receipt. > Remember, >back then, we and the United States were not on the best of >terms. Crow: [Ieyasu] They called us names. They kept changing the presets on the radio station. They kept drinking our milk and placing the empty carton back in the fridge... > Ruthless military men had virtual control of our nation >in name if not in fact. They had launched a foolhardy quest to >annex much of East Asia to our territory and committed many >atrocities. Mike: Like "Thundercats"! What the hell was *that* about? > This plane was one of the best craft ever built. Crow: Oooh, nice transition. Mike: [Ieyasu] Ator built it for me out of bamboo and coconuts. >Did you know that it was this plane, and not the Mitsubishi A6M >that made the first Kamikaze attack on American naval vessels? Tom: [Hideki] Um... but it's still here, Grampa. >The Americans called this plane the 'Nick' like the A6M was >called the 'Zero'." > Crow: [Ieyasu, nerdy] You can check that fact in the "Aircraft of the World: The Complete Guide" >Ieyasu paused to go toward the tail of the Nick. Mike: [Hideki] Grandpa, pausing means you don't go anywhere. Did you take your pills with plum wine again? > He continued: > >"You may notice that the Rising Sun is on a white stripe on this >plane. Tom: [Ieyasu] You may, if you cared. But I'll pretend you're listening intently, for it gives me forbidden pleasure! > That meant that this plane was serving in the defense of >the homeland. And the marking of the tail indicates that it was >with the 1st Chutai of the 53rd Sentai based in Matsudo here in >Chiba-ken." > Tom: [Hideki, yawning] That's fascinating grampa. Really. Crow: I'd just like to point out that all information contained in the last paragraph has now left my brain. >Hideki asked, "What was your greatest adventure in this plane?" > Mike: [Ieyasu] Oh, lets see....that would have to be the time me and my buds got hammered and we buzzed Buddokhan during the Cheap Trick concert. Whew! And then I invited this pert little Swedish stewardess to come and sit in my cockpit... >"Well, one time," Ieyasu answered, "shortly before the atomic >bomb was dropped on Hiroshima, we went up against the Americans >and their Superfortresses on one of their raids against Tokyo. I >managed to shoot down three that night. Mike: [Ieyasu, distantly] I sure hope they were Americans... > However, my tailgunner >was killed when a fourth retaliated after we bungled an attempt >to shoot that one down. I was lucky to escape with my life." > Crow: [Ieyasu] *My* parachute worked! >Ieyasu then added this rather suddenly: > Mike: [Ieyasu] I always had this thing for Bess Truman. [pause] Anyway, about the plane... >"You know, Hideki, I wonder how things might have been different >if the military hadn't slowly crept into power and we didn't join >the Nazi Germans and the Fascist Italians. Mike: Well, A&E would have find something new to talk about. > We might have joined >the Americans and together forced both of them to surrender >sooner that they did. Tom: [Ieyasu] And Germany! Perhaps if Hitler had not come to power, they could have joined the fighting too! > We might have launched a campaign to expel >the Germans from the Soviet Union. Crow: [Ieyasu] Maybe we could have warned Einstein to shampoo less and condition more. Oh, so many regrets, Hideki! > We might have gone into >Berlin instead of the Soviets. Tom: [Ieyasu] We might have had eggs for breakfast. > What I don't figure is why both >our government and the American government won't just own up to >what happened. Crow: Maybe because they'd have to take responsibility for it? > They say the Americans should apologize for using >the atomic bomb but why won't our government apologize for the >Rape of Nanjing or the Korean comfort women or the Baatan Death >March when most of its citizens are indeed sorry for those >things. Crow: This is what's known technically as the "Not Funny" part of the story. Mike: Just wait - any second now, they'll go back to Daria and the Moon Children being witty. > Why can't both our nations admit that mistakes were made >by everyone, make a commitment to make sure nothing like this >ever happens again, and get on with our lives? Why is it that >the people know better than our elected leaders?" > Tom: Boy, that really puts that whole Monica thing in perspective. >"Beats me, Grandpa," said an astonished Hideki; "I guess adults >aren't better than us kids." > Crow: [Hideki] I *always* apologize after bombing a country back to the stone age. >Ieyasu got a good laugh over that. "Grandma should be ready with >dinner soon," he said. Mike: [Ieyasu] So you'd better run like hell. > "You'd better go in and set the table. >I'll have this plane ready for the Narita Air Show by the end of >the week, or I'll eat my hat. Crow: So that's why the old codger has a skirt steak on his head. Tom: I was wondering! > And tell your father when he and >your mother come to pick you up that I hope he'll make it this >year. This old bird's gonna win the Grand Prize this year, or >I'll have to commit seppuku." > Crow: Wow, now that's competitive! >"You wouldn't!," said an alarmed Hideki. > >"Just kidding, Hideki," reassured Ieyasu. > Crow: Out of idle curiosity, what was the flippin' point of that scene? Mike: It ties it all together. With the terrorists, and the planes, and the little giggling Japanese girls and... Tom: and the militia, and the Japanese executive, and... Crow: and Daria, and the incompetent bad guys, and, and, and... All: [sobbing, crying, whimpering] >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- > >Dr. Vander Helffen was at his office. Crow: Stephanie's father from "Newhart"! > He was poring over his >latest plans to hijack the Neo-Zero prototype when Yoriko >arrived. > Crow: [loudly] HEY, DOC, WE STILL STEALIN' THAT NEO-ZERO PROTOTYPE?! Tom: [desperate] Shhhhh! >"Time for your pill again, Yoriko," he said. Tom: [Yoriko] Aren't you gonna crush it in a spoon of grape jelly? Mike: [Helffen] You're a very big girl now, Yoriko... Tom: [Yoriko] But Mom always crushes it in grape jelly! 'S'not fair! > She took a bottle >marked "Hi no Tori" Immortality Pills and ingested one of them. > Tom: Hi no Tori, from A to Zinc! Mike: It's new, from Ronco Industries! >"Now, on to business, Yoriko," he continued. "I have grave >concerns for Ryu." > Crow: I've seen his report card, and he's failing algebra. >"How so?," Yoriko wanted to know. > Tom: Oh no, Crow. Crow: What? Tom: Never mind. >Dr. Vander Helffen replied, "Our ninja spies have seen him >hanging around with known SDF intelligence agents in the Ginza." Crow: He's giving them valuable knife information! Tom: Ninja... spies... >He proceeded to take some photographs out of a manila envelope. > Mike: [Helffen] I used a hi-focus, telescopic lens, so I hope you like them. >"So, I see," was her reply. > Tom: You know, snapping pictures of Pamela Anderson undressed isn't really a big deal... >"If Ryu is indeed acting as a double agent, he is to be >eliminated," Dr. Vander Helffen stated. Tom: And if I remembered who Ryu was or which side he was on, this might mean something to me. > "We're tailing him now, >even as we speak. Mike: [Yoriko] Wow, we're pretty efficient. > If he is working for the SDF behind our backs, >give the kill order." > Crow: [Helffen] If he isn't, order me a sandwich. I'm starving! >"Understood, Dr. Vander Helffen," replied Yoriko. > Tom: [Helffen] Very good. Here's a lollipop! Mike: [Yoriko] Yummy, red! >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- > >Gen. Torymura had gotten the full report from Ryu of the NIRAA's >plot to steal the Neo-Zero prototype, and now he was ready to >take action. > Mike: SWIFT, RADICAL, SURGE action! Tom: [Torymura] Units four and five will monitor Dunkin' Doughnuts, and unit six will pick up the pizzas. Crow: Didn't we sign a "no doughnuts joke" contract? Tom: That was with the other guy. Null and Void as far as I'm concerned. >"This is serious," he began; "If the NIRAA seizes the prototype, >nothing in the SDF arsenal can stop it. Mike: [Torymura] Well, maybe that old battleship that we've converted into a spaceship. But nothing else! > We will need to get some >additional help. If the rumors are true about what I heard about >the Sailor Senshi, they may be our only hope against the NIRAA." > Tom: Well, as a wise man once said, "Screw the A-bomb, we need Shabon Spray!" Crow: You'd think the Japanese government would be better prepared. Mike: Come on guys, obviously he needs an excuse to get the Senshi involved and this is plausible. Sort of. >"I think I know someone who can contact them;" replied Ryu. Mike: [Ryu] This guy named Jimmy Olsen has a signal watch, and... > "His >name is Chiba Mamoru. Crow: It is? My god! The poor devil! > He's in the self- defense class I teach at >the Morita Dojo. Tom: Right next to Arnold's. > If what I suspect of him is true, I can get the >Sailor Senshi on our side." > Tom: If Ken Starr were Japanese! >"Proceed," ordered Gen. Torymura. "The fate of Japan rests on >your shoulders, Ryu." > Crow: But he's not a young boy in disturbing shorts! Something is fundamentally flawed here! >Ryu departed, not noticing that the receptionist had overheard >everything that had happened. She was an NIRAA ninja spy, Tom: [Don Pardo] Tune in next time for more adventures of - SAMURAI SECRETARY!!!! > and >was now sending a secret message by a secret relaying device Mike: Called a "pager". > to >NIRAA headquarters. > Tom: I bet she's a master of the ancient ninja art of collating. Crow: OK, so double agent Ryu has to contact a karate studio before the NRA starts printing PDFs? Mike: No, the NRA is going to attend SIFF. >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- > >"Japan Air Lines, how may I help you?," asked a ticket agent on >the phone Akbar was ordering his ticket.. > Crow: [Akbar] Non-smoking. [pause] Aisle. [pause] Chicken. [pause] Hijacking. D'oh! >"This is Akbar el-Salaam," he began; "I would like to book a >seat on the Saturday flight from Narita to Berlin." Luckily for >Akbar, this was his first hijacking, Mike: Awww..... Tom: They grow up so fast! > and there would be no record >of him by any of the aviation or law enforcement authorities on >file. Crow: [sarcasm] And he could *never* give a false name. Sheesh! Tom: Cheating like that just cheapens the whole hijacking process! > Until now, Akbar had been content with the occasional >strafing of Jewish settlements in East Jerusalem and throwing >rocks at Israeli troops. Crow: Hey, I don't remember this part from Star Wars! Tom: Wrong Akbar, Crow. > Now he was in the big leagues. > Mike: So, the Yanks are going to sweep him in four? >"What class?," the agent asked. > Tom: Technically, he could say "no class" and get away with it. >Akbar answered, "First class." > Tom: I don't picture many terrorists flying first class. Mike: Steinbrenner? Tom: I stand corrected. >The agent replied, "Smoking or non-smoking?" > Mike: Non. At least until the bomb goes off. Crow: If this turns into one of those blasted Michelob ads.... >"I thought all flights were now non-smoking," inquired Akbar. > >"That's only for United States airlines, sir," replied the agent. > Tom: *We* still allow you to slowly poison yourself and others. >"Non-smoking," answered Akbar. > Tom: Another piece of data for when you play "The Misty Scarecrow Neon-Zima Doohickey Boomerang Deadweight Trivia Game." >"OK," the agent said; "you can pick up your ticket at the gate on >the morning of departure. Thanks you for flying Japan Air Lines, >and have a nice flight." > Mike: [Akbar] You seem so cold and distant now. Was I just a sale to you? Was that all our time together meant? Crow: If only she'd asked "Thermonuclear or non-Thermonuclear?", the whole story could've ended right here! >"It will be nice all right," Akbar sneered as he hung up the >phone. "My destination will be with Allah in Paradise." > Mike: He just has a connecting flight in Berlin. Tom: So, to sum up... Akbar orders a ticket. >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- > >Gov. Nagai was holding a rally at the Ginza, Tokyo's >entertainment district. Crow: Yeah, this is where all the talking toilets and vomiting monkeys hone their craft before making the big time. > There was a huge crowd. PA speakers >were everywhere, as well as streamers and signs. Tom: [Nagai] I welcome you to Open Lanes Night! Shoe rentals half-off until eight! > Nagai was >making a speech where it seemed he'd promise sushi in everyone's >heated dinner table or a full rice cooker if that would make >Japan prosperous again. > Crow: Later, he promised a Newer Dealie to everyone if he were elected. >"My friends," Gov. Nagai began, "we can make Japan better than it >is now. Mike: Better. Stronger. Faster. [All hum "$6,000,000 Man" theme] > We just need the courage to take the difficult steps >that need to be taken. Let us go forward with that vision." > Mike: [raising hand warily] Um, actually, I left my contacts in last night? My vision's kinda blurry. >Tetsuo was going down the street and noticed the rally. He then >looked at a balcony across the street. He noticed something >sinister going on. Mike: Simon Bar Sinister, to be precise. Tom: [Simon Bar Sinister] Once Underdog is out of the way, Cad, I'll RULE THE WORLD! > A man dressed entirely in black was setting >up a high-powered rifle. Tom: Will Smith finally snaps. > He was going to assassinate Gov. Nagai! > Crow: Or he really wanted to get rid of his cockroaches. Mike: Was he dressed like a Klingon? Tom: Please, no Star Trek 6 references. >Quickly, Tetsuo ran to a nearby alley. He raised his hands as in >supplication to the sun. > Mike: And was instantly smited. >"Amaterasu-Omikami, give thee thy mortal servant the power of the >Solar Warrior!," he shouted. > Mike: Hello! And thank you for calling the Sun's Customer Service Hotline! For information on your account balance, press 1! To complain about an eclipse, press 2! For endowment of superpowers, press 3! >Instantly it seemed that Tetsuo was engulfed in flames, Tom: And, in fact, he was! > and a >transformation took place. Crow: Tetsuo had become a busty blonde in a tight leather skirt. [Mike & Tom look at him funny] Crow: What?!? > He emerged in red robotic armor with >a yellow sunburst on the chest. He leapt up to the balcony. > Mike: And promptly fell off. >"Miscreant!," he yelled; Tom: Bang! > "Stop where you are! Tom: Bang! > I am the Solar >Warrior, servant to Amaterasu-Omikami, Goddess of the Sun! Tom: Bang! Bang! Bang! > In >the name of the Sun, you will be judged!" Tom: Bang! Blast! I need to reload. Mike: Keep firing. You'll hit something eventually. > >The assassin growled and fired, but the bullets ricocheted off >the armor. > Mike: Slaying 14 innocent bystanders. >The Solar Warrior then yelled, "SOLAR FLARE DISCHARGE ATTACK!" Mike: Man, I wish there were more mute superheroes in Japan. Tom: Yeah, more mute, less *dumb*. > >Two discs, one on each gauntlet, glowed, then discharged. The >assassin was incinerated. > Crow: Okay, it might have been nice to interrogate him and find out who the assassin was working for, but, hey, burning him is cool too. >The crowd saw what happened. Tom: So they can all see the balcony, but no one saw the assassin setting up. But Tetsuo the Iron Man - Mike: Solar Warrior. Tom: Whatever. Tetsuo spots him no problem? Crow: You're looking for sense in the wrong place, Tommy Boy. > They had just realized that this >mystery hero had just saved Gov. Nagai from certain death. Tom: Well, he's still gonna die; just not *now*. > The >Solar Warrior disappeared, leaving a cheering crowd shouting >"BANZAI!" behind. > Mike: [random person] Is he gone? Tom: [random person] Uh....yup. All: BANZAI!!!! >"Find this person," Gov. Nagai said to one of his aides. "I >might have a position for him in my campaign." > Mike: [Nagai] I think I've just found my new Secretary of Roasting Potential Assassins Alive! >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- > >Ami was just finishing packing up for her trip. In just three >days, she was off to Berlin. > Tom: [Ami] It will be so strange, going to a country so much freer with its emotions. Thankfully, that good German beer will loosen me up a bit. >"Think you might want this, Honey?," a voice said as it entered >the room. Mike: [Ami] Sure, disembodied voice! > It was Ami's mother. > Tom: Oh! Crow: It must be tough, just having a voice for a mom. >Ami turned around and saw her old teddy bear. > Crow: So her mom is a teddy bear with a disembodied voice? Man, and folks think "X-Files" is weird! Mike: Awww! That looks like my old, teddy, Mr. Disemboweler. [The bots stare at Mike.] >"Mom, I don't need that teddy bear," said an embarrassed Ami; >"Really!" > Mike: Yes, there comes a time in every child's life when they must put their parents in the toy box with the blocks and jump ropes. >"It was always your good luck charm," continued her mother. "I >want you to do well over there in Germany. I want you to make >your father and me proud. Tom: [Mom] Otherwise, you're out of the will. > I can't believe you're going away in >three days." > >"I'll miss you, Mom," said Ami, "but I'll e-mail you and all my >friends and family every week. I promise." > Crow: [Ami] I've got tons of chain letters I haven't forwarded yet. >Ami finished packing., then said, "I'd better get to bed." > Crow: [Mom] But dear, it's only 8 am..... >"Good night, Ami," her mother said. Ami then took off her >clothes and her bra. All: YAAGH! Mike: I hope her mom left first. Crow: Are you guys having "Soultaker" flashbacks too? All: Uh huh. > She stood next to the open window and felt >the cool evening wind against her face and breasts. Mike: Ahem! Tom: Another creepy moment of unfocused desire, brought to you by Fanfiction, Ltd. > It felt so >good after such a hot late summer's day. She stood like that for >a few minutes, Tom: Letting the aforementioned Peeping Toms get a good look... > then slipped on her nightshirt, a football jersey- >looking blue shirt with a white "15" on it, and went to bed. > Mike: Well if you're gonna let the neighborhood look, I guess a looking shirt is what you'd wear. >Mizuno Ami didn't know then what Hell she was going to go >through. > Tom: [Karl Malden] But she knew when she got there, her American Express Traveler's Checks would be accepted like cash! Mike: Let's take a little break here - we've been through enough Hell for the time being. [All leave] [1 . . . 2 . . . 3 . . . 4 . . . 5 . . . 6 . . . ] [The Bridge] [Mike and Tom are playing "Settlers of Cataan". Mike rolls the dice.] Mike: OK, that's a 6, so I get a sheep. Tom: Huh. Neat! [Crow edges into the shot. He's wearing a stupid-looking seirafuku.] Crow: Hey guys. [Both look at Crow. They don't seem to care very much.] Tom: [dully] Hey Crow. [indicating dice] Mike? Mike: Sure. [rolls for Tom] OK, 10, so you get two sheep. Crow: [as if asked] Well it's funny you should ask! I was walking down the hydroponics bay, when who should I meet but the magic cat from the Sailor Moon show! [Mike and Tom are not engaging him. Mike rolls the dice.] Mike: Hey, cool! We both get sheep! Crow: No, it's true! And since one of the senshi is pursuing a career in refrigerator repair at DeVries, she made me a Sailor Senshi! Tom: Right, Crow. So, you're, what? Sailor Io, Sailor Van Allen Belt? Crow: Turns out, I'm Sailor Dark Matter! I make up 98% of the mass of the universe, but the cool part is I may not even exist! Mike: Uh-huh. And the magic cat? Crow: Oh. Um, well, she got kind of hissy afterwards, and said she was gonna bite the next person she met? And then she turned invisible. So... don't look for her. Mike: Right. [Mike rolls the dice.] Mike: Huh. Well that's stone. Tom: And how many sheep we get for that? Mike: None. Tom: Seems kinda pointless, Mike. Mike: You're right. Better re-roll. Crow: So! Any superheroing you guys need doing? Mike: Hmm... nope. Don't think so. Tom: Well there is that mess of broken crates that needs to be cleared from Pod Bay Three, Mike. Mike: Oh, right. And the hydraulic system on the port side could use a change-out. Crow: [deflated] Oh. Well... actually, I could? But there's this thing, where superheroes can't personally profit from their powers? Mike: Oop! Say no more! Crow: And since I live here and all... Mike: No no! Not another word! I wouldn't want you violating your code! Now whose turn is it? [Suddenly we hear a *PING!*, and a five-foot pile of blue jello with a single eye and three tentacles pops onto the bridge.] Mike & Tom: Yah! Crow: [in terror] Mommy! [Crow dives beneath the desk. The Alien (voice by Kevin Murphy) speaks.] Alien: I am Proton! Ruler of the planet Proton! I come to challenge your bravest superhero in mortal combat! That means- to the death! Tom: Well hey! Talk about timing! [Crow pops back up, without the costume.] Crow: Hi again! The invisible magic cat said they needed to lower headcount by offering an early retirement package? So I'm not a Senshi anymore. Alien: Damn! Don't suppose she's still here? Crow: Um... she... had to get to the home office. In Utica. Alien: I'm there! [The alien pops back out with another All wait for a beat.] Crow: [approaching game] So can I get in? Tom: Sure! Mike: We'll start over. [Buzzers flash. All start running.] Mike: Oh, no, we got MISERY SIGN!!! Crow: Don't trip on the invisible cat! [Mike trips.] Invisible Cat: ROOOWR! Mike: D'oh! [6 . . . 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . ] [All re-enter] Mike: So much for your Sailor career, Crow. Crow: It's a shame too. Those Senshi have a kicking 401k program. >--------------------------------------------------------------- > >Data 3: Enter Sailor Misery Chick > Tom: Exit Servo Miserable Tom. [Tom gets up to leave, Mike restrains him.] Mike: Forget it, Tom. >The mansion that Ami was living in was pretty spacious, by >Japanese standards. Crow: So, it's about the size of the average Midwestern garage then? Mike: It's still bigger than any apartment in New York City. > Ami woke up, flung off her nightshirt, and >took a good look at herself in the mirror. Mike: [Ami] Hmm...that's an interesting rash. > For an egghead, she >had quite an attractive body, Tom: Rather a shapely shell on that egghead. Crow: Quit yolking around, Tom. Mike: You guys are going to do that ova and ova, aren't you? > even if she was small-breasted. Tom: The whole fic's going to be like this, isn't it, Mike? Mike: I think we're gonna have to strap in for the long haul. >Daria had settled in the next room, which was used as a guest >room. Ami took off her panties, Mike: YAAGH! Crow: Ah! Starting her day off with a full frontal shot! Smart lass! Tom: Yes, now she'll have the energy for a full day of nude! > put on her robe, and went to the >bathroom. > Mike: Please, please, please. Spare us the details of what goes on in there. >As she was soaping herself up in the shower, Ami thought about >everything that had gone on for the past five years or so. Mike: Yeah, she remembered all the reused transformation sequences, all of Usagi's speeches, all of Mamoru's inspirational words.... Crow: [Ami] Thank god I'm getting out of here while I still can..... > It >had it horrifying moments as well as its triumphs, but now it >seemed she was going to put this behind her for at least the next >four years or so. Tom: Oh, come on. Just shoot her already. We know this bit. Crow: Yup. Superheroes retiring just means they're about to meet the *really* dangerous villain. Mike: It's all just plot shorthand for, "With awesome power comes awesome responsibility". > As she stepped out of the shower again, she >looked at herself again. Crow: [Ami] Hmmm... maybe I'll get these enlarged while I'm in Germany... > Maybe Minako was right: she should cut >loose once in a while. All: Whooohooo! > Maybe before she leaves, she should go >out with some guy; she had a new blouse and miniskirt combo that >she was dying to try out. Tom: Or maybe she'll just get plastered and stalk Leonardo DiCaprio. > As she put her robe on again and >stepped out of the bathroom, Daria was waiting to enter. Crow: [Daria] UP YOURS! Oops, sorry. Thought you were the cat. > She >looked beady-eyed without her eyeglasses, and was wearing a T- >shirt and shorts as nightwear. > Crow: She forgot her glasses? Uh oh! Tom: I sense a Mr. Magoo moment about to happen... >"Had a good sleep, Daria?," Ami asked. > >"OK, but I still have major jet lag," replied Daria. > Mike: [commercial] Major Jetlag, and the Major Jetlag Action Team Playset! Tom: [quickly] Dolls sold separately. >"You'll get used to it," answered Ami; Crow: [Ami] I've been jet-lagged for years, but I still lead a useful, productive life. > "By the way, I hope you >adjusted your watch properly; remember, Japan does not observe >Daylight Savings Time like you do back in the United States." > Tom: [Daria] Japanese Freaks. >"So I've heard," said Daria. "When do we leave for our first >class?" > Crow: [Daria] I wanna practice my witty rejoinders. >"Soon," was Ami's reply. "And I hope you will wear the seifuku I >gave you; it's our school uniform." > Crow: You see, Mike. The Japanese are huge fans of Donald Duck so they have their schoolkids dress up like him. Tom: Except the kids wear pants. Short ones, of course. Mike: Thanks. I think my knowledge of Japanese culture is now complete. >"I still say it looks stupid on me," shot back Daria. > Mike: [Daria] It doesn't have nearly enough black on it! >Ami asked her, "Daria, do you actually wear those army fatigues, >black skirt and combat boots to school back home?" > Crow: Army fatigues? It's just a dark green blouse, for heaven's sake. Tom: Yeah! I mean, when Mike's wearing his red jump suit, do we ask, "Hey Mike, is it Lobster Appreciation Day or something?" Mike: Yes. Every time, in fact. Tom: Oh. I didn't think you noticed. >"Yes, I do," Daria said. Crow: [Daria] Every day! Apparently they're the only clothes they know how to animate. > "It sends a message." > >"What message is that?," Ami wanted to know. > Tom: "Shop Chuck's Army-Navy Surplus and get a 15% discount". >Daria replied, "That I may be feminine, but I'm also tough as >nails." > Crow: I like Tom's better. Mike: Me too. >"If you ever go out on the town," Ami continued, "there's some >very good drop-dead minidresses I have that would look very good >on you. Mike: [Daria] Are they black leather with metal studs? Well, they better go with army boots... > And, by the way, have you ever considered wearing >contact lenses?" > Crow: Ami must not have seen that episode. >"Too much trouble keeping them clean," replied Daria. > >"Other than that, you do look beautiful," replied Ami admiringly. > Mike: This is turning into the setup for a Springer episode... Crow: Smart Sailor Senshi and the women they love, next on Springer. >"Thanks;" said a surprised Daria; "it's not everyday somebody >says that about me. Crow: [Daria] It's not everyday anyone says *anything* to me. I'm so very, very lonely, Ami! > They usually call me 'The Misery Chick.'" > Mike: [Daria] Which is weird, because I don't look a thing like Kathy Bates, y'know? >"Well, I guess we'd better get the lead out and get dressed for >school," stated Ami. > Mike: [Ami] I wanna see which mecha B-ko uses today! >"Right," responded Daria. "I hope you didn't use all the hot >water." > Mike: Use it? No. I showed it a very good time, and we parted friends. >"There should be some left," said Ami, somehow unsure of herself. > Tom: Well, she better not raise her hand then. >However, as Daria began to use the shower, she was greeted with a >blast of Arctic-cold water. "That's the story of my life," she >said. > Crow: She uses a banal allegory! o/~ La la, LA-la la! o/~ >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- > >As they arrived for their first class, Ami and Daria noticed that >Usagi was going to be late again. > Mike: Daria can't really notice she's late *again*. It's her first class. >"What else is new," sneered Osaka Naru, whose mother ran a >jewelry store. Crow: She must not have any hair. Tom: That's cool. Gotta dig the bald chicks. > "Usagi is always late. She's like that school >girl Magami Eiko on 'Project A-ko'. Tom: Ah, the Japanese A-Team, starring Pat Morita as Hannibal! > She always wakes up late for >school, rushes like a maniac and still winds up being late for >her first class. Crow: [Osaka] Even being splashed with all those electrified chemicals by that lightning bolt didn't help!. > If only she had superhuman strength, superhuman >speed and had Kotobuki Shiko in tow, as well as long-flowing red >hair, the image would be perfect." > Mike: Hey, now *there's* a sentence no one's used before. Crow: If only I was anime fanbot, it might elicit a chuckle. >"I've seen every film in that series," boasted Umino Gurio, the >geeky guy who was Naru's boyfriend. "A-ko, B-ko and C-ko are >real funny!" > Mike: [Gurio] Of course, I am also easily distracted by shiny... oooh! Is that a nickel? >"And you must be 'The Upchuck of Japan!,'" sneered Daria. > Mike: It's the Upchuck from Japan vs. the Upchuck from America in a brutal battle to determine the Upchuck of Tomorrow! Crow: I'll get the sawdust.... >"What's an 'Upchuck?,'" Gurio asked. > Tom: Something I'm going to do when I get out of the theater. Crow: And what's Japan? Or Vietnam, for that matter. >"Nevermind," replied Daria. > Tom: [Guiro] Hello! Hello! Hello! Hello! Hell no! >Ms. Sakurada Haruna, who was the English teacher, stepped in the >room. She noticed that it was time to start class. > Crow: So she quickly downed a sedative and said.... >"Oh, that Usagi's going to be late again, as usual, I see," began >Ms. Sakurada. "Well, that hasn't stopped me before. Mike: [teacher] But today is a new day, perhaps it will stop me now. Would that not be something, Ami, for it to stop me now after so many times when it could have and did not, hmm? > Shall we >begin class? Tom: [kid] You want permission? Well... no? > We've got a new student here today who will take >Ami's place after she leaves for her medical studies in Germany. >Care to introduce yourself?" > Mike: Nah, we already did that in the theme song.... >Daria stepped up to the front of the room. > Crow: [Daria] Hello, I'm Daria....and I'm an alcoholic. All: Hi Daria! >"My name's Daria Morgendorffer," she began. "I'm from Lawndale >High School on a foreign exchange program. Tom: Okay, so Daria's going from the US to Japan. Mike: Yeah. Tom: And Ami's going from Japan to Germany. Mike: Yeah. Tom: So who does America get? Mike: I'm guessing that Dieter and his monkey will be showing up in Lawndale soon... > I hope that I will do >well in your school and not be treated like an outcast like I am >back home." Crow: Well, you're off to a good start. > She bowed and resumed her seat. > Tom: [Japanese] Hwah? Look at that, she did not apologize or beg our pardon or excuse herself profusely! All: [same] SHA-A-A-AME! >"Well, that was short and sweet," Ms. Sakurada responded. Crow: Sounded kinda bitter to me. >Suddenly, Usagi bolted into the room. > Tom: [Usagi] Say Jerry, I have a great idea. A perfume that smells like the ocean! >"Sorry I'm late, Ms. S! The bus was late!," was Usagi's rather >pathetic reply. > Mike: [Alex Trebek] Ooh, I'm sorry but that is incorrect. >"Usagi, you are so pathetic," shot back Ms. Sakurada. Mike: Hence, the previous descriptor. Tom: Oh, what a *great* teacher. Crow: Geez, no wonder Usagi's always late. > "You will >wait outside in the hallway until class is over, then you and I >are going to have a little talk in my office, young lady!" > Crow: [Usagi] You have an office? Tom: [Sakurada] Er, no. Just go and wait in my Pinto then, you little..... >"Does this happen every time?," Daria asked Ami. > >"I'm afraid so," Ami answered. > Crow: [Ami] After all, it's their characterization. Tom: I'm confused. Are they all speaking English? If so, their English must pretty good, what with all the colloquial expressions and all. If not, when did Daria become fluent in Japanese? Mike: Your point? Tom: Ummm. None, really. >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- > >Later that day, school had let out for the day. All of the >Sailor Senshi were going down the street, chatting girl talk. > Tom: [Rei] So, I said to Madge, I says.... Crow: [Minako] And then she says, you're soaking in it! Mike: [Usagi] Guyyyy..... >"So, Ami, do you want a big going-away party before you leave, or >what?," Usagi asked. > Crow: [Usagi] Maybe we'll invite that hermaphrodite chap again! >"Usagi, please don't make a big deal about it," pleaded Ami; >"I'll get a chance to see you during such times as inter-semester >breaks, holidays and such. Mike: As long as you clear it with my lawyers first. > Besides, I've never felt comfortable >about going-away parties." > Mike: [Ami] They give me gas! >"How do you feel about having the type of party like we have back >home in the United States?," Daria asked. Crow: [Daria] The sort where you stare at me and ask who invited *her*? > "I guess you've heard >about the types of parties high school kids have on Friday and >Saturday nights." > >"What do you mean?," Ami asked. > Crow: [Daria] How the hell should I know? I've never been to one. >Daria began her description: > >"Stale potato chips, warm beer, flat soda, loud heavy metal >music, guys and gals making out--" > Mike: How much do you want to bet that a certain person never got invited to those types of parties? Crow: Heck, neither did our authors. Heh, heh... [Crow's giggling abruptly ends as his chair malfunctions and catapults him into the far wall. Crow shakily crawls back into frame.] Crow: I think we need to get that chair fixed. >"DON'T GO ON!," shrieked an embarrassed Ami. > Crow: Geez. The Amish are less reserved than Ami. >"Ami, your cheeks are blushing!," giggled Hotaru. > Tom: [Hotaru] Tee hee, how awkward! >"They are not!," roared Ami. > >Just then, shots were heard at a nearby Mitsubishi Bank branch, >and two armed robbers were running at full speed. Crow: Thank you plot device! > When they got >near the building, they saw that a security officer was shot to >death. > Mike: Well, people very rarely get shot to life. >"This looks like a job for the Sailor Senshi!," Usagi exclaimed. > Tom: [Usagi] So go get 'em guys! >The Sailor Senshi began their transformation sequences: > Tom: Instead of calling the police, like any normal person. >"ETERNAL MOON STAR POWER, MAKE-UP!" > Bots: MAKE-UP! [A huge powder puff swings down and smacks Mike in the face] >"SUPER CHIBI-MOON STAR POWER, MAKE-UP!" > Bots: MAKE-UP! [A huge powder puff swings down and smacks Mike in the face] >"SUPER MARS STAR POWER, MAKE-UP!" > Bots: MAKE-UP! [A huge powder puff swings down and smacks Mike in the face] >"SUPER JUPITER STAR POWER, MAKE-UP!" > Bots: MAKE- Mike: *cough* *cough* Geez, okay, enough with the corny old jokes! >"SUPER VENUS STAR POWER, MAKE-UP!" > Mike: How'd you manage to do that? Tom: We got one of the Nanites to help. Crow: Yeah, Shecky's always up for a good cheap laugh. >"SUPER SATURN STAR POWER, MAKE-UP!" > Crow: Can't one of them just say "ibid"? >"SUPER URANUS STAR POWER, MAKE-UP!" > Tom: [father] You two *make up* and quiet down or so help me I will stop this car! >"SUPER NEPTUNE STAR POWER, MAKE-UP!" > Mike: Gah! How many of these people are there? Crow: 47. Tom: When you hear Sailor Krankor, we're near the end. >"SUPER PLUTO STAR POWER, MAKE-UP!" > Mike: Meanwhile the robbers have hopped in their cars, driven twenty miles away, buried the loot, gotten plastic surgery... >Each Sailor Senshi had underwent her transformation; now it was >Daria's turn. > Crow: [Daria, monotone] super duper lawndale something something. Tom: [Daria] I'm not much of a make-up person. >"Here goes nothing!," she said. Tom: [Daria] STARBUCK'S COFFEE GROUSING POWER, FREAK OUT! > "SUPER MERCURY STAR POWER, MAKE- >UP!" > >Daria was soon transformed into Sailor Mercury. > Crow: Soon. Next Tuesday, maybe. >"Daria, activate your VR equipment and track down the robbers," Mike: [Ami] Then there's this cool program I've got involving Brad Pitt and a llama... >Ami instructed. A blue visor appeared on Daria. She was soon >getting a reading. > Crow: You'll be moving to Florida soon. Tom: How did you know that?!? I'm convinced! Mike: Call Daria's Super Psychic Sailor Senshi Hotline today! >"They went that way," Daria said. > Tom: [Daria] We'll just follow the blood trail! >"All right, then, let's move it!", said Sailor Moon, who was in >her Eternal Mode, with wings. Mike: She has more absorption that way. > She flew ahead of them. > Crow: Yeah, great. Remember, Usagi, fly real close to the sun! And drink plenty of wholesome nutritious malt liquor before takeoff next time! >The robbers, meanwhile, had a couple of Tokyo Metropolitan Police >Department officers on their tail. > Mike: Steve Guttenberg and Bubba Smith in "Police Academy X: Tokyo Beat"! >"Halt, in the name of the law!," one of the officers roared. > Tom: [cop] Um, wait! That's so autocratic. Halt, because it's in both your long-term and near-term interests! >"Eat lead, copper!," roared one of the crooks back. Crow: Eat chromium, potassium! Tom: Eat magnesium, palladium! Mike: Eat calcium, phosphorus! > He took a >gun and shot the cop down. Tom: That would be the gun he was carrying earlier, right? Mike: Could be. > The other cop went to help him. He >took his portable radio and said, "Officer down! Officer down!" > Mike: [Cartman] We got Charlies, up in the trees! >"You're next, blue pig!," Tom: When you start seeing pink elephants and blue pigs, it's time to take the pledge. > said the other crook as he put his .45 >Magnum against his temple. > Mike: Wouldn't it be more effective if he put the gun to the police officer's temple? >"Hold it right there, crooks!," said a nearby voice. Tom: Bang! Crow: [Usagi] Oh, blast. > "I am the >pretty soldier Eternal Sailor Moon, champion of love and justice. All: [Senshi] AHEM. >And these are the Sailor Senshi. All: [Senshi] Thank you. > In place of the Moon, we will >punish you!" > Crow: Oh, isn't the moon *lucky* to have a little *kiss-up* do its dirty work! >Each of the other Sailor Senshi made her introductory speeches as >well. Tom: Unfortunately, none were good enough to go onto the finals. > It was now time for Daria to make hers: > Mike: [Daria] UP YOURS! >"I am Sailor Mercury, Misery Chick of Justice! In the name of >Mercury, I'm going to nag you to death!" > Mike: Oh crap, Daria just turned into my mom. Tom: Ewww..... Crow: [Woody Allen] So, there I was, in the middle of downtown Tokyo, and all of a sudden, this little girl appeared, and she was channeling the spirit of my mother. She was kind of cute too... >"What the Hell. . ." Sailor Moon found herself saying. > Crow: I know just how she feels. >But there was no time to waste. > Mike: They used it all making speeches. >"Eat lead, Sailor Senshi!," yelled the first crook. > Mike: What is this? 1920s Chicago? Tom: It's the Edward G. Robinson gang! Crow: Yah, see! Nobody takes Mugsy alive! Nobody! >Just then, a red rose dart hit the ground. > Mike: Oh, looks like they interrupted a game of lawn darts. >"You shoot, and it will be the last thing you ever do," Tuxedo >Mask said as he stepped out of the shadows. > Crow: Well, he does have the gun pointed at his own head... >"Here comes the calvary!," Daria said sarcastically. > Tom: How'd they get to Golgotha all of a sudden? >Recently, the Sailor Senshi had been given some new powers, and >now they were going to be put to the test. > Mike: So this encounter is like the Persian Gulf was for the US. Crow: Test new weapons on easy targets? Mike: Bingo! >Sailor Moon was going to be first. She yelled, "MOON THUNDER >PUNCH!" With that, she threw her fist, Mike: It detaches? > and it knocked both >crooks off their feet. > Mike: See, the best thing about these people is that they always announce what they're going to do before they do it. Very polite and considerate of them. Crow: [crooks] Wait! Time out! We weren't ready! Mulligan! >Sailor Venus was next. Tom: Though you couldn't see her due to her dense cloud layer. > "SUPER VENUS BLINDSIDER ATTACK!," she >screamed. With that a blinding light issued from her hands, >temporarily blinding the crooks. > Crow: SUPER SOL FANCTION DESTRUCTO RAY! Tom: AWESOME WISCONSIN CHEESE ERASER! Mike: Nice try guys, but it's still here. >Daria was still new at this, so she decided to use one of Sailor >Mercury's old powers. Tom: Thankfully she didn't lose the manual that came with the suit. Mike: Greatest Japanese Heroine? Tom: That's the one. > She shouted, "SHABON SPRAY. . .FREEZING!" >The crooks were frozen solid. > >"Hmmm, just like in 'Duke Nukem 3D'!," she quipped. Tom: No strippers though. > Then, she >went up to them, and kicked them. They shattered into little >pieces. > [Everybody winces] Mike: I think that counts as excessive force... >"Your face, your ass, what's the difference!," she sneered. > Tom: Wow! They must be *really* ugly crooks! >The rest of the Sailor Senshi stood in disbelief, with their >mouths wide open. > Mike: She kills without mercy! o/~La la, LA-la, la! o/~ Tom: So Daria turns out to be a homicidal manic-depressive Sailor Senshi? Mike: Apparently. Crow: I have a theory. Mike: Proceed Crow: [clears throat] _Ahem_ In this fanfic, the author might be living out his fantasies vicariously through Daria. Witness: She is regarded as being attractive by her peers, everyone thinks she is funny and intelligent, and she gets time off school to go to Japan and hang around the Sailor Senshi. Tom: Huh. Crow: Oh, and someone plays Duke Nukem. Mike: I think we need a break. >----------------------------------------------------------------- Tom: Too late! Line sign! >--------------------------------------------------------------- > >Later, back at Sendai Hill Shrine, Daria was being reprimanded >for her actions. > Crow: And now the House Impeachment Managers have entered the picture. >"Daria," Usagi began, "what you did was highly inappropriate! >Sailor Senshi don't act that way!" > Mike: Yeah, isn't Usagi the only one that gives speeches? Crow: [Usagi] We only kill for Love and Justice, not cheap comedic effect. >"Usagi's right," Luna added. "You have to stop acting >sarcastically! Tom: Why? It's the most potent weapon in this universe. > You're just lucky the TMPD decided that the use >of deadly force was justified in the case." > Mike: Oh yeah, the way those crooks stood there frozen solid clearly constituted a threat to your health and well-being. >"Next time, you may not be so lucky!," Artemis said. > Crow: If the Tokyo PD is anything like the ADP then she has nothing to worry about. >"You know," Daria replied, "all of you should go take a hike!" Mike: At least she didn't tell us "Up your nose with a rubber hose." That would have been insulting. >With that, Daria stormed away. > Crow: [Usagi] What about the hike? I know this nice wooded area where we can get a great cardiovascular workout! >"I'm beginning to think that Ami made a big mistake asking Daria >to take her place, Luna," Usagi said. > Tom: Thank you Miss State-The-Obvious. Crow: [Usagi] I'm also sensing hostility, Luna. >"Right now, we're stuck with her," Luna replied; Mike: Oh come on, there are 63 of you! You can go one short for a week! > "Ami's leaving >for Germany the day after tomorrow, so there's nothing much else >we can do for now." > Crow: Well, you could go the Crystal Knight route and use the disguise pen on Minako.... Mike: [Mr. Peabody] Quiet you! >"I just hope she can keep her temper in check, that's all," Usagi >said resignedly. > Crow: [Usagi] We're just trying to be dull emotionless cogs in the efficient machine press of society. Surely she can see that is good! >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- > >Gov. Nagai was holding another rally, this time at the foot of >Tokyo Tower. Mike: [Japanese] Ah, yes, beneath Tokyo Tower is a very safe place to be! Our movies teach us nothing if not that! > Another huge crowd had gathered, and they were >shouting "NAGAI! NAGAI! NAGAI!", Crow: It sounds like Japanese for "DON'T!" > awaiting for the arrival of >the candidate. > Tom: o/~ Here she is, Miss America..... o/~ Mike: [man in crowd] Really? What a coincidence! I don't have a life, either! What are the odds of that, hmm? >In a nearby trailer, Gov. Nagai was speaking to the Solar >Warrior, whom he managed to locate shortly after he saved his >life. > Crow: Is this going to be another pointless scene ending with people shouting "BANZAI!" ? Tom: He must have a really crappy hideout if they found him that quick. >"Believe me, Solar Warrior," Gov. Nagai began, "I'm making a >generous offer. Tom: *Both* Skull Catapults for the Mox Pearl! You won't get any better than that! > Besides, if I'm elected and my proposal goes >through, you could find yourself in a good position in >government." > Crow: There *is* one? >"My allegiance is with Amaterasu-Omikami," responded the Solar >Warrior. Mike: [Solar] Although I'll be a free agent at the end of the '02 season. > "I have served her for untold millennia, back when >there was no Japan as we know it. Tom: So, he went around judging trilobites? Mike: Well, he did say 'untold millennia'.... > You must understand that I >serve my goddess first, then my nation." > Mike: Then he serves the interests of Stop 'n' Go, Inc. Tom: Actually, you should always serve from the left, and the host goes last. >"Of course," Gov. Nagai said. "The Americans have a saying for >that: Crow: Bite me? Mike: Give me liberty or give me death? Tom: Frankie says, "Relax"? > 'For God and Country.' Far be it from me to tell you to >quit the employ of your mistress. All I'm asking is for you to >head this agency I'm proposing. Mike: [Nagai] There's a 401K plan and full Dental... > If all goes well, we'll make the >best law enforcement apparatus in the world even better." > Mike: They say if you build a better law enforcement apparatus the world will beat a path to your door. Crow: [looks at Mike, confused] They do? >"Very well," said the Solar Warrior. "If it will serve to >advance both my faith and my nation, so be it." > Tom: Sucker! >"I'm glad to see we're at agreement," Gov. Nagai said, relieved. >"Might as well tell my adoring public about this." > Crow: [Nagai] Hey guys! That freak with the Crock Pot on his head's workin' for me now! >Gov. Nagai, the Solar Warrior and the entire campaign staff >stepped out of the trailer and onto the platform set up for the >occasion. Tom: Then the platform collapsed under their weight, killing them all horribly and ending at least one miserably pointless cul-de-sac in this story. The end. > Stepping up to the podium, Gov. Nagai began to speak: > Mike: [Nagai] Pabulum! Pabulum. Hyperbole! Empty promises! Pabulum. >"My friends, I have someone here you may be familiar with. Crow: Here he is, fresh from living La Vida Loca, Ricky Martin! > This >is the brave hero who stopped the assassin who was determined to >end my life yesterday. He calls himself the Solar Warrior. Mike: The assassin? Crow: Nooooo..... > I >owe my life to this person, and there's only one way I can pay >him back. Mike: But since he doesn't want his weight in buttermilk biscuits, I've given him a job instead! > I've decided to name him as my chief of security >during my campaign. He deserves this honor." > Crow: Oh? What did your former security chief deserve? Mike: Let's not try to answer that question, guys. Tom: Oh, but I have *so many* suggestions, Mike. >"Further, I hereby announce that if I am elected, Mike: [Nagai] I'll immediately place blame on him. > one of the >first things I plan to introduce in the Diet is a bill creating a >new Agency of Superhuman Activity Co-Ordination. Mike: I guess it will be headed by Astro City's Samaritan. > Such an agency >would help the various superhumans and superhuman groups work >together with our local and national police forces to help stop >some of the bigger threats to our well-being and safety. Mike: [Old Lady] Oh, like that grunge look from Seattle? Crow: They're finally going after Hanson? > We >already have one of the lowest crime rates in the world; Tom: As can be seen by the cops getting blown away a few pages ago. > this >will ensure that it stays that way." > Tom: [Nagai] Even if we have to kill every single criminal out there. >The crowd cheered loudly. Shouts of "NAGAI!", "BANZAI!", Crow: Mai tai! Mike: Illini! Tom: And chicken pot pie! > and >"SOLAR WARRIOR!" filled the air as Gov. Nagai and the rest of his >campaign staff--the Solar Warrior included--left for campaign >headquarters. > Crow: I knew it! A pointless scene and screams of "BANZAI!" Mike: Guys help me. I was just wishing this fanfic had some of the simplicity of Mighty Jack. Tom: There, there, Honey. It'll be over soon. I mean, it's not like it'll last another 400 pages or anything. >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- > >Ryu had made his way to Azabu-ku, Crow: North of Majin-Buu and Timbuktu. > where his friend Mamoru lived >in a rather well-appointed apartment. Tom: Wow, guys! His apartment is well-appointed, just like *Daria's* home was well-appointed! Isn't that something? To despair about in morose anguish, I mean. Mike: Oh yeah. > He rang the doorbell and >waited a few seconds. > Mike: [Ryu] One hippopotamus, two hippopotamus, three-- >"Ryu? What brings you here?," Mamoru asked. > Tom: [Mamoru] Oh damn, did I forget to open the door again? >"Is there anyone else here with you?," Ryu responded. > >"No," said Mamoru. > Crow: [Mamoru] And despite the fact that I'm a bachelor with a nice apartment and a great fashion sense, I'm still not gay! >"Good," Ryu replied as he stepped inside. Crow: [Mamoru] No, really! I dig chicks! Mike: [Ryu] I believe you. Now... Crow: [Mamoru] Wow! Whatta looker! Hubba-hubba! Say, where did you get that stylish tie...? Mike: [Ryu] Shut up already! > "What I have to tell >you is not to leave this room. Tom: Well, the foyer's not a room, technically... > I am actually an agent for the >Japanese Special Intelligence Bureau. Mike: [Ryu] We're looking for a bunch of guys in rubber suits who've been running around threatening to destroy Tokyo. They call themselves the Toho Gang. > I've been working on a >special assignment in regard to the activities of an organization >called the New Imperial Rule Assistance Association. Crow: {Ryu] We think they're hoping to force a merger with the NFL. > They're a >extreme right-wing organization that wants to return Japan to its >military-influenced wartime government. They plan to do so by >stealing the prototype of the new Mitsubishi Neo-Zero Advanced >Jet Fighter now being developed. Mike: [Ryu] Are you getting any of this? Crow: [Mamoru] Look, just because I have cats and live alone doesn't mean anything about my sexual ori... Mike: [Ryu] Look, one more outburst, and I'm going to Racer X with this info, got it? > They plan to use it to bomb >Tokyo to rubble unless the civilian government hands over power >to them. The SDF can't stop them alone, and neither can the >JSIB. Tom: And the CIA's too OD'ed on LSD! > We were hoping that you can contact the Sailor Senshi for >us; they may be our only hope." > Tom: [Mamoru] Well, we're doomed then. >"How do I know that you're being on the level with me on this >matter?," demanded Mamoru. > Crow: [gasping] You accuse a double agent of *lying*?! >"Because the JSIB has extensive knowledge of the Sailor Senshi's >activities," said Ryu. "We've got files on every member back to >their earliest childhood. Tom: [Ryu] We know all about the "Crayons in the VCR" incident! > If you're think we're joking, take a >look at this." > [Everybody gasps] Mike: Oo, a handsomely embossed business card that says, "He's Not Joking". Tom: From a professional printer! He would not pay the $25 set-up charge were he not serious! >Ryu gave him a file with the name "CHIBA MAMORU" on it. Bots: Chi-chi-chi-chiba! > He >opened it up and looked at it. Sure enough, all of it was there: >pictures of his parents; All: ACK! Crow: [Ryu] Oh sorry, that's our file on Monica Lewinsky...hehehehe... > of the car wreck that killed them; of >his days at the orphanage; of his activities as Tuxedo Mask; Mike: Of his midnight runs to the Stop-N-Slurp for copies of "Tiger Beat". > of >his activities as Endymion when he was brainwashed to work for >the Dark Kingdom; Tom: Huh. More likely they waved a shiny button in his face. > of his activities as Moonlight Knight; Crow: His point shaving schemes at UNLV... Tom: His ties with the Mafia...... Mike: And his biggest shame: crossover fanfiction writing. > of his >recent mysterious disappearance during a flight to the United >States. Crow: And the fact that he later turned up wearing nothing but a long red wig and a fishnet banana warmer. Mike & Tom: Ewwww! > It was all there. > Tom: [Mamoru] Oh wait! You left out my secret obsession with Brandi Chastain! Mike: [Ryu] Ah! So we did! (writes note in the file) Thanks Mamoru! Most of our extortion targets aren't this cooperative. >"How did you get these pictures?," demanded Mamoru. > Crow: A Nikon N70. >Ryu replied, "We have our ways, Mamoru. Mike: They involve chalupas, actually. > I have Usagi's file here >as well." He pulled it out and began perusing it. "Did you know >that when she was in kindergarten, Tom: She ate a lot of gravel? > she dumped a cup of chocolate >pudding on her best friend Osaka Naru because she called her a >'dweeb'? Or that she can't stand carrots? Crow: Oh, no! Not- *carrots*! Mike: [weepy] She'll be blackballed out of all the best cram schools! > Or that she's never >really been able to figure you out?" > Tom: It's because Mamoru's the wind, baby! >Mamoru said curtly, "Oh, and I bet you have her bra size in there >as well?" > Crow: Sure. Heck, it's on her driver's license. Mike: Bra size is the Japanese version of a Social Security number. >"Not even worth mentioning," dismissed Ryu. Crow: Oh, now *that's* really cold! > "You see, Mamoru, >we've got the goods on all of you. Mike: This is so much more effective than asking nicely, or appealing to their sense of duty. > This is a serious matter >we're talking about here. Now, we need to know if the Sailor >Senshi are on our side or not?" > Crow: Geez. This thing has more sides than a Zocchihedron. >"Very well, you win," said Mamoru resignedly. "We'll help you in >this matter. Tom: [Mamoru, pouting] We'll save your stupid country! Big babies. > But I want those files destroyed. If they ever >fall in the wrong hands, it could compromise our identities." > Crow: He seems not to care that the government knows so much about their private lives..... >"Consider it done, my friend," replied Ryu. "We will contact you >when we feel that we need your assistance. Until then, take >care." > Tom: [Ryu] Of course, it might be a while.....maybe never. Oh well, seeya! >Ryu left the apartment building, but he didn't take even five >steps when he turned around. Mike: [Ryu] Hell. I can't leave without coffee and a slice of his famous lemon cake! > Apparently, some NIRAA ninja spies >had been following him; Tom: What, they got it emblazoned on their chests? Crow: Sure, they're masters of the art of stealth and secrecy, but that doesn't mean they're not proud of their union. > they were dressed in black and had katana >blades, bo quarterstaffs, sais, nunchuckas and throwing stars. > Crow: All at once? Tom: [Ninja] Hi there! Could I interest you in our large selection of ninjitsu weaponry? >"You traitor!," said the leader of the group. "We should have >suspected from the beginning that you were a double agent! Mike: Then why didn't you kill him at the beginning? Sheesh.... > We'll >put an end to your miserable existence at once!" > Tom: It's really too bad they'll lose. Mike & Crow: Yeahhh...... >The ninja spies charged on him. Ryu stood his ground, Crow: Holding his own. > then >launched into a roundhouse kick that sent two of them crashing to >the ground. Tom: Jackie Chan! ... would like to disassociate himself from this scene. > Three more fell to blows to their solar plexus, and >two more fell to blows to the neck. Crow: [ninja] Dagnabit Earl! We shoulda *thrown* some of these throwing stars! I told you trying to make him swallow them was a waste of effort! > One more was left standing. >He decided that discretion was the better part of valor, and ran. > Mike: [Ryu] Crud...I never learned how to take out _one_ guy.... Crow: The famous ninja cowardice in action. >"Run like the coward you are!," Ryu shouted. Mike: [ninja] Ha! Little does he know I am running like my great coward hero, Egon from F-Troop! > He decided to >report this matter to Gen. Torymura at once. > Crow: [Ryu] Ayup, blackmailed Tux, insulted his girlfriend, killed some ninjas, and inflated my ego...Whew, busy night. Tom: Why didn't Mamoru hear them fighting? They were only five steps away! Mike: Shush... >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- > >Back at Lawndale, the high school football team was holding a >scrimmage. Crow: Against the cheerleaders. And losing! > The regular coach was sick with the flu, so Anthony >DeMartino, the neurotic social studies teacher, was filling in >for him. > Tom: Ah, the old "switch the coach with the most pyschotic member of the faculty" trick. They're sure to win now! Crow: [to Mike] I'd laugh but he's absolutely right. >Mack was calling the next play: > Mike: [Mack] All right, we're doing "Our Town" on the 15th! Tom: [calling signals] Life is different! Here in Grover's! Corners corners *corners!* >"34 red, 34 red, 45, 49, hike, hike!" > Tom: Never heard of that play.... Mike: Sondheim did that one. >Kevin was fading back for a pass, but then fumbled the ball. >Mack could only groan in disappointment. > Crow: No no no! Kevin, say your line: " I AM WILLY LOMAN, DAMMIT!". *Then* fumble the ball! >"Kevin," Mr. DeMartino said as his right eye bulged in anger, >"for a star quarterback, sometimes you play pathetically! Tom: I see a great future for you with the New York Giants! Crow: Y'know, the word "pathetic" and its derivatives seem to pop up a lot in this story. Just an observation. > How >are we going to win the big game Saturday against Highland if you >keep fumbling the ball?" > Mike: [Kevin] All part of my master plan! The other team scores so much, they go over a hundred, the scoreboard rolls over and they're back at zero! Crow: Ah. The dreaded "Y2K Play." Tom: Very zen, Kevin. >"Sorry, Mr. DeMartino," replied Kevin, "but I keep being >distracted seeing Brittany practicing her jumps over there." > Tom: [Kevin] They're....um, she's.....what was the question again? >Sure enough, Brittany was indeed practicing her jumps; Crow: She goes up, she comes down. What's to practice? > with the >tight sweater she was wearing, her breasts were jiggling like >crazy. > Crow: [singing] J-e-l-l-o. >Up in the stands sat Jane, Quinn, Jane's brother Trent, Jodie and >Upchuck; Mike: The View! > his real name was Charles Ruttheimer, but since he was >so perverted and geeky, he was called Upchuck. Tom: As "Geeky Perverted Boy" had already been taken. > Quinn was >expecting the other members of the Fashion Club to arrive >shortly. > Mike: Soon, Cindy Crawford, Claudia Schiffer and Tyra Banks showed up, and a good time was had by all. >"What a boring scrimmage!," Quinn started. Tom: [Quinn] I have half a mind to leave and do something interesting! Oh wait, this is Lawndale. Oh well! Who wants a coke? > "How are we going to >win the game if we keep acting like a bunch of morons?" > Mike: Hey, it never stopped the Dallas Cowboys! >Upchuck went up to Quinn and said, "Why don't we go back to my >place and have our own scrimmage? ROWR!" > Crow: [Quinn] Sure! POLICE!! >"Keep away from me, Upchuck!," shrieked Quinn. > Mike: The Days of Whine and Rose Bowls. >"I see not all of the morons are out on the field," Jane >retorted. > Tom: Look, some have formed Internet communities... they're posting nude pictures of a Barbie Doll. >"Man, I can't believe Daria won't be here for this game," Trent >said. Crow: [Trent] Too bad, 'cause Daria *really* loves football. > "She never liked football, but she likes being here for >the big game against Highland. Tom: [Trent] Even though she just moved here this year... so she's never *seen* us play Highland. Guess I started talking before I knew what I was saying. > She always likes to heckle Beavis >and Butt-Head; Mike: Oh come on! It's like yelling at bowling pins! It does no good! > it's the only time her two former classmates from >Highland High School ever come to visit Lawndale every year. >It's been that way since she moved here to Lawndale a couple of >years back." > Mike: Unnecessary backstory accomplished! >"Well, you know what they say, Trent," Jane said, "'Absence makes >the heart grow fonder.'" > Crow: I thought it was absinthe that made the heart grow fonder. Tom: Ever tell you the one that ends, "Ad sense makes Jean Harlowe ponder?" Mike: No. And don't. >"Tell me about it," Trent said with a sigh. > Crow: [Jane] I just did, pothead! >"Oh, look, here comes the Fashion Club!," Quinn chirped. Tom: [deeply] o/~ They're, too sexy for the plot, too sexy for the plot. You watch them; I'm not! o/~ [Crow snickers.] > Sandi, >the club president, Tom: Actually, that's SanDeE*. > entered first followed by Stacy, the club >secretary, and then Tiffany, the club treasurer. > Crow: They walk around in alphabetical order? Mike: Heh. Tom: I'm just surprised we didn't get a description of their breasts. >"Like, sorry we're late and all that," Sandi began to say, Mike: Since when does Sandi apologize? Tom: She'd would upbraid Quinn for being early! > "but, >like my cat pooped all over this outfit I'm wearing and I had to >wash it up." > Mike: That has got to be the book definition of too much information. Crow: And they say "Beavis and Butthead" is disgusting? >"Stuff like that happens," Quinn said. > Tom: And thanks so much for sharing... >"Hey, everything's all set for us to sell goodies at the game," >Stacy said. "Tiffany and I have baked up a whole batch of >cookies, brownies, cupcakes, and so forth." > Crow: [Quinn] Did you remember to make the green brownies? Mike: [Stacy] We did, but *somebody* ate them all! Tom: [Tiffany] I ate one and it only made me hungrier.... >"But, UGH! I've got dishpan hands now!," whined Tiffany. > Crow: Mike, is a dishpan what you humans fry dishes in? Mike: Oddly enough, no. >"Like, just remember, Tiffany," Sandi said, "it's all for a good >cause: Tom: [Sandi] Fattening up Upchuck before we butcher him like a suckling pig. > the Fashion Club." > >"Why don't they give it to charity like Student Government >does?," Jodie asked Jane. > Tom: Because it wouldn't be a cliché then. >"They are a charity case," replied Jane, "They all need new >brains, new personalities and ego deflation!" > Tom: Touché. Crow: [shocked] Jane, my *mother* has no brain, no personality, and ego inflation. Pathological disorders are nothing to laugh at! >Jodie got a good snicker over that remark. > Tom: Mm, one of those King-Size bars with the peanuts and caramel... (drools) >Jesse Moreno, Trent's bandmate on the rock band Mystik Spiral, Crow: And former competitor for Rick Springfield's girl... >arrived. > Tom: Presto! >"Trent, man, it's all set!," he said. > Mike: [Jesse] The beer bong's all set up! Crow: [Trent] Great, now we just need Indiglo cds.... >"What's all set, Jesse?," asked Trent. > Tom: He better not be that MTV VJ..... >Jesse continued, "We're gonna sing the national anthem at the big >game. Mike: I guess Rancid had a previous engagement. > I just spoke to Ms. Li, the principal, and she's promised >to pay us $1000 for the gig." > Tom: [Jesse] That's what 'pro bona' means right? >"And just where is Ms. Li going to get $1000 from," Quinn said. >"The expenses for this game have already gone over budget!" > Mike: And the markets tremble and plunge with the damning testimony from Quinn "Alan Greenspan" Morgendorfer! Tom: Why don't they just get the school marching band to play the national anthem for free? Mike: Hey, man, this is MYSTIK SPIRAL we're talking about here! >"Yeah," Jane added, "and the last time this happened, the Board >of Education and the school superintendent reprimanded her big >time for wasting taxpayers' money. Tom: But seein' as how none of us pay taxes, screw it! > We're just lucky Bob Schulz >didn't show up and sue the school district!" > Mike: Why would the son of the guy who created Peanuts be suing the district? Crow: Probably because of Linus Van Pelt Elementary School, and the Peppermint Patty School for Alternative Lifestyles. >"Hey, where she gets the bread from don't matter to me, man," >Trent said, "just as long as we get it." > Crow: Trent's a rebel, man! He won't truck with your hang-ups or play by your rules! >Meanwhile, another play was being run on the field. Tom: Oh, no it's "Waiting for Godot"! And Godot is Highland's blitzing linebacker! > This time, >Kevin made a perfect spiral pass. Crow: Then he baked the perfect spiral ham. > Mack snagged it and ran it >down for a touchdown. > Crow: Wait, that's the wrong way! Mike: He made a connection in the other direction. Tom: Coach DeMartino's startin' shoutin' out, in-ter-jec-tions! >"Now, that's what I like to see, people!," Mr. DeMartino said. > Mike: Next time we'll try it with the defense on the field! >Brittany saw that and shouted "YEAH! GO, GO LAWNDALE!" > Crow: [DeMartino] Good job Brittany, keep it up! Tom: She should be careful, she might get whiplash. >Just then, Jane thought she heard some familiar laughter: > Crow: [Krankor] Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Tom: [Jane] Oh, no! The Prozac was supposed to stop this! >"HEH-HEH-HEH-HEH-HEH-HEH-HEH-HEH-HEH!" > Tom: Woody Woodpecker? >"UH-HUH-HUH-HUH-HUH-HUH-HUH-HUH-HUH-HUH!" > Mike: That sounds like the engine from a '72 Mustang. >"Oh, no!," Jane said, "it can't be those two!" > Crow: It's Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger! Mike: [Groaning] They're going to spend the entire football game babbling about animal rights and Gingrich! Tom: Well, I'll be at the beer stand... >Sure enough, it was Beavis and Butt-Head. Crow: Why the surprise? They were all they were talking about a minute ago. Tom: Mike? Any chance of you possibly killing me now and sparing me the rest of this? Mike: Nope. If I have to sit through it, so do you. Tom: [muttering] Sadist! > They went up in the >stands. > Crow: Let's just hope the bleachers aren't made of 'wood'. >"Uh, Quinn, where's your sister, Diarrhea?," Butt-Head asked. > Tom: She took some Pepto. Feels a lot better now! >"Yeah, like we want to talk to her and stuff," Beavis added. > Mike: Ah, the dialogue in this section fairly sparkles. >"Well, Daria isn't here today!," Quinn began; "she went over to >Japan on a foreign exchange program." > Mike: [Quinn] Don't ask what happened to the guy we exchanged her for.... >"Man, that sucks!," Beavis answered. > Crow: [Beavis] We were going to attend a poetry slam! >"Listen, you two," Jane said, "all because Daria isn't here >doesn't mean you can go pick on Quinn at the game on Saturday. Tom: [Jane] That's my job. >If you do anything to her, I'll scratch your eyes out!" > Crow: Ooh, that's just so campy! Mike: Pete seems to be confusing "Daria" with an "Itchy and Scratchy" cartoon. >"Uh, like is that a threat or a promise?," Butt-Head asked. > >Jane said rather icily, "BOTH!" > Tom: Mm, Heisenberg's theory states we can't know both at the same time. Mike: Yes, if the threat is known for certain, the "promise" potential becomes a fuzzy, unknowable cloud. >"WHOA!," Butt-Head said.> >Beavis and Butt-Head sat down and watched a few plays. Kevin was >once again fumbling the ball. Tom: Huh. Maybe you should try his back-up, Jim Abbot, for a few plays. Crow: You know, if this were Japan, they'd just stick a tariff on the opponents so they couldn't afford to score a touchdown! > After a while, those two got >bored. > Mike: With the story or the game? >"This scrimmage sucks!," Beavis said. > Mike: Oh. Crow: Beavis knows the word "scrimmage"? >"Uh, let's liven things up a bit, Beavis!," Butt-Head responded. > Tom: Thank you! >They soon got out two brown paper bags they had taken with them >and pulled out some firecrackers. > Mike: No, wait! They're *soda* crackers. My mistake. Tom: They're just going to enjoy a sensible lunch including a steaming Thermos of Campbell's Manhattan Clam Chowder! >"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!," Jane roared. > Crow: [Beavis] Celebrating the Chinese New Year. Tom: [Butthead] Yeah, we're exploring different cultures by blowing stuff up! >"Uh, like we're going to set off firecrackers and stuff!," Butt- >Head said; "What do you think we were going to do, asswipe?" > Mike: Sweet merciful heavens! They're going to *do* something! Crow: It will ruin the barren wasteland of the plot! Someone stop them! >They set off a whole string of them and tossed them onto the >field. The whole team started to scatter. > Mike: Except for poor Benny, who had to play without a helmet. Tom: Wow. Good throwin' arms on those boneheads. The coach should sign'em up. >"HEH-HEH-HEH! See me toss this big one out there, Butt-Head!," >Beavis said. He lit the fuse and tossed it out. It landed right >on Kevin, Crow: Who fumbled it! Mike: No, I saw this cartoon. He passes it to Mack, whose eyes get real big and buggy before the explosion! > and it went off in his left eye. Crow: Wow! Kevin Meany's mom was right! Mike: Now all Kevin has to do is sue them, and Beavis and Butthead will lose the house! > Kevin collapsed in >agony. > Mike: The defensive linemen start piling on, stickin' their thumbs in the bad eye... Tom: Now let's see - so far, Daria's murdered a couple of crooks, and Beavis and Butthead have blinded a football player. Thank you so *bloody* much, Pete! >"KEVIN!," shrieked Brittany, who saw the whole thing go down. >She then fainted. > Crow: Women always faint at the sight of football! >Beavis and Butt-Head made good their escape while everyone was >gathered around Kevin. > Tom: Beavis and Butt-head make good! There's a phrase no one's ever said before! >"Someone call 911, dammit!," shrieked Mr. DeMartino. > Mike: But isn't 911 a joke? Tom: [Shatner] toNIGHT... aFANfic... goesoutofconTROL... onREScue... NINE... ONE... ONE! >Kevin was taken to Lawndale General Hospital. Crow: Ooh! I scheduled my freshmen college classes around that show! > An examination >revealed that most of the explosion was absorbed by his helmet, Tom: His helmet was over his eye? No *wonder* he couldn't throw worth a damn! >and damage to his eye was negligible. Tom: The rest of his face on the other hand... > His vision checked out OK, >but he was held overnight for observation, and released the next >day. > Tom: Ooookayy. So. We have terrorists buying plane tickets to Japan. Mike: Check. Tom: Ryu and Mumu double crossing the NRA. Crow: Check Tom: The NRA are planning to take over the Japanese government by bombing Tokyo, but first they have to steal a plane. Mike: With you so far. Tom: And that's the plane the old man was washing. Crow: Roger Dodger. Tom: And Daria joins the Sailor Scouts and goes on homicidal rampage and Sailor Someone is going to become a German pediatrician. Mike: Right-o! Tom: [takes a breath] And then there's the Lawndale Militia who plan to take over a football game. Crow: That's what my notes say. Tom: And, correct me if I'm wrong, Beavis and Butt-head show up and throw fireworks at football players for no apparent reason. Crow: Don't forget Nagai, Solar Warrior, Amidalla Orimori, and the Soviets too. Mike: Yup. Tom: Wow. This isn't as complicated as I thought. >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- > At the next meeting of the Lawndale Militia, Anthony Corlew >brought up the matter of the firecracker attack at the scrimmage: > Mike: [Corlew] This is an obvious attempt by FEMA to cover up their alien abductions! The time to act is now! >"Fellow comrades in arms, this is just another reason why we need >to take over Lawndale. Tom: Our quarterback sucks! Mike: [Corlew] It's the only way we'll ever get any of the really boss fireworks! > With our agenda of law and order, filth >like Beavis and Butt-Head, as well as people of color and >crippled folks, will be kept out of our community. Mike: We will return to CNN's coverage of Pat Buchanan's press conference right after this... > We don't need >white trash like those two ruining our town! Crow: [Poindexter] Yeah, that's our job! > When they return, >we need to lynch them, to teach a lesson to Highland that we >won't tolerate their shenanigans here in Lawndale!" > Crow: Minorities, Government and Shenanigans: Three enemies to a better America. >Those in attendance cheered the speech. > Mike: [Corlew] Thank you my brothers! Tom: [militia] Screw you! We're cheerin' the *speech*! Crow: [militia] Code words rock! Unsubstantiated generalizations forever! >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- > >"I have failed you, Master!" With that, the only NIRAA ninja Mike: NRA Ninjas? Crow: [Charlton Heston] Remember, Katanas don't kill people - ninja warriors kill people! > who >escaped from Ryu (the others had been arrested) committed seppuku >in front of Dr. Vander Helffen. Tom: [Helffen] Wait, not on my shoes! Ick.... > Dr. Vander Helffen ordered the >body disposed of. Yoriko entered the room. > >"What was that all about?," she asked. > Crow: Oh, just another wacky day at the NIRAA. >"Our attempt to kill Ryu failed," began Dr. Vander Helffen. Mike: But on the bright side, your relationship with MadMan Mimoto's Discount Ninja Burial Service has never been stronger! > "We >sent some ninja spies to track him down, and he has alerted >someone named Chiba Mamoru to our plans. Tom: Apparently, the ninjas *were in the same room, eavesdropping.* Mike: They must have trained with the Judea Resistance Front. > They were going to kill >Ryu, but he was too strong for them. I want you to personally >kill Ryu." > Mike: [Helffen] I'm sure a lone woman will succeed where a dozen trained ninja failed! >"Your orders will be obeyed, Dr. Vander Helffen," said Yoriko. > Crow: Why not just give the Patented Dr. Vedder Von Heffer Immortality Pills to the ninja? Mike: Well, sure, they're immortal, but that doesn't mean they can't die. >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- > >Ryu had just returned to Gen Torymura and told him all about his >meeting with Mamoru, Tom: Just about the nicest guy you'd ever wanna blackmail! > as well as the attack by the NIRAA ninja >spies. > Tom: [General] So you ran away too, huh? >"They're on to us; I was afraid they would," Gen. Torymura said. Crow: [Torymura] Now we have to kill you. Nothing personal! >"I'm going to order security tightened to the biggest extent >possible immediately at the base where the prototype is being >stored. Mike: Uh... Tom: Try not to think about it. Mike: But he said 'the biggest extent possible'... Tom: I know. > When we do need the Sailor Senshi, they are to be >briefed on this matter." > Crow: Uh, General, I'm not sure briefing them on how to ambush their blackmailer is such a great idea. >"Everything will be done as you have ordered, General," answered >Ryu. > Crow: At least the scenes are getting shorter. Mike: Wait a minute! The scenes are counting down! It's a bomb! Tom: Memo to self; remove ID4 from the entertainment center, ASAP. >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- > >The day had arrived for Ami to leave for Germany. Crow: Um, does anybody remember that the last time someone started a German-Japanese friendship program, it caused nothing but trouble? > All the Sailor >Senshi were with her at Narita Airport, as well as both her >mother and her father. Mike: And Steve Buscemi! Man, that guy's everywhere! Tom: Narita! Narita! Two of the narrative threads might actually meet! Crow: Would it be too much to hope that Akbar blows them all to Sailor Heaven? > >"Well, I guess this is it," Ami said. > Crow: [Ami] Seeya, suckers! >"Ami, you'll always be in our hearts," Usagi began to say. Mike: But then Phil Collins popped in to perform the song for the Senshi. > "When >you do come back, you can always rejoin us. The door is always >open." > Tom: Except when it's shut of course. >"Here, take this," Rei said. "It's a special 'Safe Journey' >charm. Mike: See, it has Steve Perry's picture inside! Tom: Open it, and it does the intro to "Separate Ways". > I hope you have a safe flight." > Crow: [Ami] I'm sure it'll be fine. After all, I'm going by ValueJet. What could go wrong? >"I want you to make your mother and I very proud of you," said >Ami's father. Tom: [Dad] For if you don't, surely we will die of shame, alone and without dignity in our cold, cramped apartment! > "I always knew in my heart that you are a very >intelligent young lady." > Crow: [Dad] 'Cept for that time you mistook the paste for cold cream. Man, was that a long night. Mike: Sheesh, this guy must have seen 'A Date With The Family'... >"As for you, Daria," Ami said, "Keep the home fires burning." > Crow: [Daria] Light your houses on fire, gotcha. >"Mom told me never to play with matches," Daria said. > [All stare at the screen for a beat.] Crow: OK, which one of us said that? Mike: I think Peter did. Tom: Oh, shyah, Mike! Like he'd start being clever *now*. >"Still with your sarcastic humor, I see," Usagi said. > Tom: [Daria] Yup! The fans expect it. You get used to it after a while. >"Ami, I hope you will be a success in your endeavors," Mamoru >added. "We're all rooting for you." > Mike: [Mamoru, muttering] Ya big dumb Sailor Skeeve! >Ami couldn't hold it back anymore. Mike: She just had to kill somebody. > The tears were beginning to >flow. > Tom: Oh, you gonna cry, huh? C'mon, cry, baby! Cry!!! >"I'm really going to miss you guys!," Ami sobbed, then hugged >each of her friends and family. Crow: [Ami] I do not know who in Germany I can feel superior to! Tom: Well, drop by Oktoberfest! That should solve your problem. > "I'd better get on board the >plane now!" > Mike: Man, I never knew anime was so infatuated with airports! Tom: Oh yeah. Your typical anime plane-boarding-scene-to- action-sequence ratio will run about two-to-one. 'Cept for "Speed Racer", which was more like three-to- one. Four when they were on. >A chorus of "Farewell" followed her down the gate. > Crow: o/~ She'll be gone 'til November, she'll be gone 'til November... o/~ >"Good luck!," Usagi added. > Mike: [Usagi] Sorry about the face! >Not noticed by anyone, Akbar el-Salaam had boarded the plane >right behind Ami. Tom: Maybe it's Akbar the salami? > Since most of the nuclear device was plastic >in composition (it even had a plastique primer), Mike: Plus, he designed it so it showed up on the X-Ray machine as a bottle of Pert Plus. > he managed to >scoot by security with that and some machine guns--also made >mostly of plastic--with no problems. > Mike: Man, I can't get through airport security with my keys in my pocket! Tom: Wait a minute, what about the bullets? Crow: Forget the bullets. Plutonium is a metal. Why didn't the X-rays pick that up either? Mike: No thinking. Just relax and let it wash over you. >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- > >Half an hour had passed on the flight. Tom: The captain has turned off the "No Plot" sign. Feel free to continue with- that is, start- the plot at any time! > A flight attendant in one >of the most revealing uniforms ever worn by such a person--it had >a microminiskirt and the blazer, vest and shirt revealed a lot of >cleavage--went up to Ami and asked her what she wanted for lunch. > Mike: Well, the cheesecake looks good... >"What do you have?," replied Ami. > Mike: [Stewardess] About five more seconds to make this scene interesting. >The flight attendant answered, "We have yellow fin tuna or beef >teriyaki." > Crow: And spam, for some reason. >"UGH!," said Ami in disgust, Crow: [Ami] I hate Japanese food! > "I can't stand yellow fin tuna! >I'll have the beef teriyaki." > Tom: Well actually that's just tuna with a brown sauce on top. >The flight attendant went to the next seat and asked him what he >wanted. > Mike: Well, I'm a bit bored. Can we liven this flight up a little? >Suddenly, Akbar leapt up, grabbed one of his machine guns and >roared "ALLAH AKBAR! ALLAH AKBAR! Crow: [stewardess] I'm sorry sir, all we have is tuna or beef. > This is Islamic Jihad! We >are seizing this plane in the name of Allah! Mike: That'll work! Thank you, miss! > You are to fly this >plane to Lawndale, USA, or I will kill everyone aboard!" > Tom: Lawndale is *always* being targeted by terrorists. >Screams of panic filled the plane. Ami now realized that she >wasn't going to Germany today. Mike: And most likely her meal would be delayed! > And she had to be there to >register for classes, or forfeit her tuition deposit. Crow: Well, she has her priorities straight... > But that >was no longer a grave concern, not when death stared you in the >face. Mike: Actually, I think death sort of looks away quick when you notice it's staring at you? Pretends to look out the window? > For Mizuno Ami, she had to take action and save the plane >from this madman. > >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- Tom: Uh-oh! Crow: What? Tom: We're late for the thing! Mike: Hey, he's right! Crow: Let's get! [All exit hurriedly] [1 . . . 2 . . . 3 . . . 4 . . . 5 . . . 6 . . . ] [The Bridge] [A four-seat bench is set up. Tom, Gypsy, and Crow are sitting, bored. Tom has some knitting, Gypsy has a huge Walkman on, Crow is reading "George" magazine. Throughout the sketch, Gypsy reacts to nothing, just listens to her headphones. Mike enters, stage left.] Mike: Crow? Crow: Hey. Just waiting for the plane sketch. Mike: Oh. [Mike takes the empty seat. He puts his left leg over his right, and bounces it, distractedly. It hits Tom's knitting. Tom glares at him.] Mike: Sorry. [Tom returns to his knitting. Mike resumes tapping his foot in the air. He starts softly singing, "JET! Whoo-oo-oo-OO-oo- oo-OO-oo-oo. Jet!" Crow turns a page in his magazine.] Mike: Oh! I call the window. Tom: Dibs on the aisle! Crow: I'll take the seat next to Deborah Norville in a spaghetti strap! [Mike looks at Crow.] Crow: Well I guy's gotta have goals, Mike. Mike: Mm. [Another pause. Mike exhales impatiently. He gives a look at something above Cambot.] Mike: I wonder why they have TV sets if the sound's set so low you can't hear it. Crow: So you can watch the action. Mike: It's "Meet the Press". Tom: Huh. [another pause] So... is there a meal in this sketch? Crow: Snack. Tom: Aw, crap! I skipped lunch! Mike: Well, I was on a Delta sketch about a month ago, and their snack was pretty good. Cheese and crackers, a Nutri-Grain bar- even a Tootsie Roll! [Tom gets up, starts to leave.] Tom: Screw that. I'm grabbing a nine-dollar sandwich. Mike: Tom! Tom I don't think you should... [Tom's gone.] Magic Voice: Sketch 109, now boarding at Gate 3. Mike: Oh, great, that figures! We better go. Crow: Don't forget our carry-ons Mike! [Mike start to grab several huge black carry-on bags from beneath the chairs.] Mike: Ok, got this here... then this here... Crow: Then there's that! And that! Can't forget that. Make sure you have that! [Mike now has four bags over each shoulder, a backpack, and two around his neck. You can barely see him.] Magic Voice: Last call for Sketch 109! Crow: Ah! Hurry Mike! Let's run! Mike: OK! OK! Here we- whoap! [Mike takes one step, trips, and collapses face-first on top of Crow, crushing him. They both stay pinned to the floor beneath the desk. We hear the FX of a plane taking off. Casually, Tom saunters in, carrying a hot dog.] Tom: Well, I found a Nathan's combo meal for a sawbuck! [Tom looks beneath the desk at his friends]. Tom: Huh? Gypsy: [beneath headphones] Hwah? Crow: [dazed] Whah? Mike: [groaning] Oooooh... [The lights begins to flash.] Magic Voice: Now arriving. Data 4 of the "Mandalay Scanner Non-Smoking Driver Barnyard Dealie." Please have Your boarding passes ready. Tom: I think that's our sign, Mike. Mike: Can you get it for me? Tom: Sure! [Tom hits the lights and the door sequence begins.] [6 . . . 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . .] [The trio enters, sans baggage, and sits.] Crow: I still say we should have waited for a later story. Mike: Nah. They would have stuck us on some red-eye hentai fic starring the casts of "Akira" and "My Dog Skip." Crow: Good point. > >Data 4: Jihad at 25,000 Feet > Mike: So we jump around the world at random, but start a new chapter in the middle of "tense" moment? >Akbar was in a rage now. He started to fire indiscriminately at >anyone he could vent his anger at. Crow: So! A bullet rips the fuselage, decompressing the cabin, they all asphyxiate. Guess they'll think through that hijacking plan a little more carefully next time, huh? > Ami ducked down just as a >stray bullet buried itself into the left temple of the passenger >in front of her. Tom: [shocked] Lead poisoning! > Akbar grabbed the flight attendant, and ripped >her blazer, vest and shirt off, leaving her bra barely hanging by >the tattered straps. Crow: It's the congressional version of that tablecloth trick. > She began to cry as Akbar stormed forward >into the cockpit. > Tom: So what was the little clothes-ripping thing for? Mike: Akbar hates that "Coffee Tea or Me" movie. >"GO TO HELL, INFIDEL!", he roared as his gun spat bullets >everywhere. Mike: IN A WHILE, CAMEL-PHILE! > The pilot, co-pilot and navigator fell dead. Akbar >then went to the control and programmed the auto pilot on a >course for Lawndale. Mike: Good thing he took that correspondence course in auto pilot programming. Crow: It's a good thing that his dozens of bullets missed the controls too. > He then stormed back into the first class >compartment. > Mike: [Akbar] Time for a sipping drink. >"There is no God but Allah, and Mohammed is His prophet!," roared >Akbar. Crow: Murray is his tailor! John McVie on bass! And sitting in for Yassir Arafat, the lovely Vanna White! > "The Great Satan will burn in Hell for all eternity! >Death to the American Satan! Crow: So, there are two Satans? Tom: And isn't sending them to hell kind of silly? Mike: I don't think Akbar's really thought that part out yet... Crow: Anybody think a little thing like that'll stop him? Mike: Nope. Tom: Uh uh. Crow: Thought so. > The infidel must die! ALLAH AKBAR! >ALLAH AKBAR!" Akbar then undid the buttons of his shirt and Mike: ...single-handedly revived the "disco" look. >revealed the nuclear device strapped to his abdomen. Tom: [Akbar] Feel it! Come on! I dare ya! > With a calm >dexterity he armed the device for the precise moment the plane >would be flying over Lawndale High School's football field. > Tom: As opposed to something important. Crow: The _exact_ moment? Mike: [Akbar, muttering] Let's see the winds are with us, add an hour for the layover in Vancouver... >Ami was still in a ducked position. Crow: Next she's gonna do her goosed position. > She was trying to get her >mini-computer/communicator that she always carried with her and >try to send a message back to Tokyo; she finally found it and >activated it. > Mike: [Ami] Loading Picture 1 of 22,203... Picture 2 of 22,203... Picture 3 of 22,203... >"This is Ami!," she began; "Usagi, Rei, Mako, Minako, Mamoru, Crow: Little Joe, Hoss, Mr. Cartwright! Mike: Lee! Rico! Youngblood! Tom: Mannix! Chief! McCloud! >anyone, can you hear me! Tom: Well Rei, Mako, and Mamoru can hear you, but Usagi and Minako are in the other room arm wrestling. And anyone's in the can. Crow: Should we wait until Usagi, Rei, Mako, Minako, and Mamoru are here, or is this something you can tell Rei, Mako, and Mamoru now, and then fill Usagi, Minako, and anyone in later? Mike: Wait! Usagi's here! She's here! Oh, but Mako left. Had to microwave her coffee. > We're being held hostage!" > Tom: [muffled voice] If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and check the number you have dialed. >Akbar heard what was going on, and stormed right to Ami's seat. >He grabbed Ami by the hair and roared a savage yell. > Crow: [Akbar] EEGAH! >"You will pay for that, you American pig!," he screamed. > Mike: [Ami] That's *Japanese* pig to you! >"My name is Mizuno Ami," she began to reply. "I am a citizen of >Japan. That is all I will tell you!" > Crow: Oh, like we're *so* interested in the details of your life. >"American, Japanese, it doesn't matter to me!," Crow: [Bruce Campbell] American, Japanese - I'm the terrorist with the gun. > Akbar yelled >back; "You will pay for what you did, infidel!" > Mike: [Akbar] Though I am unclear what that is, but I must take out an infidel now, or they will think I'm all talk! >Then Akbar savagely threw a left hook right into Ami's right eye, Crow: Wait. Why didn't he shoot her? Tom: Eh. The author's gonna need her later. >causing her to yelp in excruciating pain as she collapsed on the >floor. He then began to kick her on the floor, kicking her in >every conceivable area: Tom: First Class, Business, Coach... > her head, her pelvis, her legs, her >shins, the base of her spine, the solar plexus. Crow: Every place he knew the name of! > He then took the >butt of one of his guns and began to hit her with that as well. All: Booo! >Fifteen horrifying minutes later, Ami was horribly black and >blue. Ami began to cry. > Crow: Fifteen minutes later, and she _starts_ crying? Mike: Too bad she's booked a flight with everyone from Kitty Genovese's neighborhood. >"DON'T CRY, YOU BITCH!", Akbar roared as he slapped her across >the face. Mike: You know, it's very subtle, but I think we're supposed to *dislike* this character. Tom: You picked up on that too, huh? > He then seized her by the collar of her seifuku and >ripped it in half. "Take the rest of your clothes off now!" > Crow: I got this from Anne Taylor for my wife, and I need to see how it looks! Would you believe you're the same size? What luck! >Ami was too afraid at this point to refuse. She took what was >left of her tattered clothes off and submitted to a humiliating >search. There was nowhere Akbar left unexamined. > Crow: He left no rock unturned, no door unopened, no present unwrapped! Mike: What's he looking for anyway? Crow: How the hell should I know?! I didn't write this! >"At least you don't have any more devices on you!;" shouted >Akbar; "As far as I know, you might be an agent for the CIA or >the FBI or even working for the Russians! Crow: [Ackbar] You could even be veteran character actor Christopher Lloyd! How would I know? I could not! Tom: Yeah dickweed, the CIA, FBI and KGB frequently hire giggling Japanese girls as secret agents. Sheesh! > I don't trust you, you >swine! I'm locking you in the lavatory until we reach our >destination!" > Mike: Um, Akbar? The bathroom doesn't actually lock from the *outside*. Think about it. >"But what if we have to go to there?," said one passenger. > Mike: [Akbar] Be quiet or I'm turning this plane around! >Akbar fired his machine gun and killed him. "SILENCE!," he >roared. Tom: [Passenger] Oh. Never mind! I don't have to go anymore. Crow: Well, he's brutal but fair. > He then took the nude Ami and threw her into the >lavatory, putting a food cart next to it so Ami couldn't open the >door. > Crow: Ah, yes, the five-pound object with wheels! That'll hold! Tom: Well, I guess this might be a bit better than being shot... but not by much. >Ami was all alone now. Mike: Except for her old childhood friend, "Drop Dead Fred." > She could see bruises all over her body. Crow: All over her body? That's an awfully big mirror for an airplane bathroom. >She hadn't felt so alone or so helpless since her mother told her >that she was getting a divorce from her father. Mike: Ami divorced her father? > Ami began to >cry. > Crow: I don't remember her stopping crying... Tom: [weeping] o/~ All, BY, MY-self! Don't wanna be, all BY, MY-self! Anymore. o/~ >"Queen Serenity, help me in my time of need!", she sobbed >silently. > Crow: Ugh. I think I need a shower now. Possibly several. In fact, you know what? I may never get out of the shower ever again. >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- > Mike: And, thankfully, the scene is over. >Akbar had returned to the first class cabin. Crow: Where he was whisked away into a land of ultimate comfort and luxury. > He was extremely >enraged now. Mike: This guy's a monster truck with no breaks and one gear! Crow: I'm not very happy about the situation either buddy! So get in line. > He began to scream out a diatribe against the >United States: > Tom: [Akbar] If our present-day values of materialistic nihilism are inspiring children in America to kill other children just for fun, how will imposing those same 'American Values' stop the killing in Sierra Leone? Hmmm? >"The Great Satan must pay for his atrocities against Islam! Mike: The Great Satan, like, gets on the "Cash Only" line at the supermarket when he knows all he's got is credit cards! > The >Great Satan must be destroyed for his supporting the Jewish >interlopers in Palestine! The Great Satan must suffer for his >sins of arrogance! Mike: [Akbar] The Great Satan must pay me back that $5 he borrowed from me in High School! Crow: Hey, if the US is the Great Satan, who's the Lesser Satan? Tom: Everyone else takes turns. Bolivia last week, Finland this week, Cote de Ivorie next week. > Death to the American Satan! The infidel >must die!" > Tom: [self-help guru] That's right, Akbar. Visualize your goal. See? It's right there within reach, isn't it? Oh, but something's holding Akbar back. Can you see? >Everyone on the plane was cowed into silence with his ranting. > >Suddenly, he said, "I now hereby order all of you to sing!" > >"What do you want us to sing?," asked another passenger. > Crow: [Akbar] You will all dress like slutty schoolgirls and sing the songs of Brittney Spears! o/~ Hit me baby, one more time! o/~ >Akbar commanded, "You are to sing 'Morning Has Broken' from that >great singer Yosof Islam, or as you infidels know him, Cat >Stevens. Tom: Are you sure you wouldn't rather have them sing about o/~ where the children play-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay...o/~ Mike: You're like a puppy with a rag, aren't you? > He supports the Ayatollah Khomeini's death sentence >against that pig, Salman Rushdie. Tom: Mm, infedel pigs make the best hamburger! Mike: No, it's sacred cows that make the best bacon. Or something. > Anyone who refuses to sing >will be shot! ALLAH AKBAR! ALLAH AKBAR!" > Mike: Well, can you give us a note? So we start in the same key at least? >Slowly, at first, the crowd began to sing: > >"Morning has broken/Like the first dawn..." > Mike: [Akbar] No! Infidel pigs! It's o/~ like the first morn-uh-huh-ing o/~ Sing it correctly! Tom: Boy, he'll never get on Yaffet Letterman's Stupid Terrorist Tricks at this rate. >"LOUDER!," Akbar screamed. > Crow: Hey, Akbar's not singing! He has to shoot himself! Mike: I don't think that's what he meant, Crow. Tom: Rules are rules, Mike. They apply to everyone equal! >The crowd began to sing louder. Crow: Cat Stevens songs are best heard when they're loud enough to be incoherent, after all. > Akbar then headed to the >cockpit, shoved the corpse of the pilot aside and got on the >radio to announce what he had just done. Tom: [Akbar] That's right, I made them *sing*! *CAT STEVENS!* And there's *more* torture to come if you don't cooperate! > After that, he sent a >machine gun burst into the radio, disabling it. Mike: [Akbar] And I told you to turn off Howard Stern! > He then returned >to the first class cabin. > Tom: [Akbar, muttering] I hope I didn't miss any of 'Big Daddy'. And Stewardess?! Where's that gimlet I ordered? Ya think I'm gonna terrorize you goobs *sober*? >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- > >Back at Japan, the news spread like wildfire as soon as it got >off the wires: > Tom: Kevin Thompson cannot pass to save his life! >"We interrupt our regularly scheduled programming here at NHK to >bring you this special bulletin. Mike: The new Pokemon action toys are here! And they're only at Burger King! > A Japan Air Lines jet from >Narita Airport to Berlin, Germany, has just been hijacked by a >terrorist who says he's with Islamic Jihad. Crow: For in-depth coverage of how the terrorist might decorate his new plane, here's CBS Special Correspondent, Martha Stewart. > He has set a course >for the United States, destination unknown at this time. Mike: [reporter] Rest assured it will probably be goofy. > He >claims to have already killed several passengers and will kill >more unless he is given free passage to the United States. Tom: While we have no pictures at this time, here is what the terrorist might look like if he were a beaver. > His >ultimate intentions are unknown at this time. NHK will keep you >posted on further developments as this alarming situation >develops." > Crow: Now back to our Horror Movie Marathon. Michael Keaton in "Gung Ho"! >----------------------------------------------------------------- >---------------------------------------- > >Gov. Nagai, having heard the news, made hasty arrangements to >address the issue at a press conference: > Crow: He didn't wait for any details or anything? Mike: He's a politician. Since when do they act on information? >"My friends, I have received this distressing news myself only >moments ago. My heart goes out to those aboard, especially our >own fellow countrymen, who are now facing indescribable terror. Tom: [Nagai] As for the non-Japanese aboard, your terror amuses us. >To the hijacker, I must warn him that any further deaths on his >part will result in the condemnation of the world." > Tom: [Nagai] The world will no longer invite you to the cool parties. When you walk down the hallway, the world will dump your books out of your hands. The world will 'accidentally' let the air out of your tires... >"I assure everyone here, that if I am elected, I will introduce >legislation that will address the threat of terrorism here in >Japan. Mike: OK, that's it for the sympathy crap. Now: *POLITICS*! > We only know too well that not even our nation is immune; >witness the serin attack on the Tokyo subway system just three >years ago. Tom: My opponent was in *favor* of those serin attacks. He never met a serin attack he didn't like! > I propose that a joint special unit consisting of SDF >and National Police personnel be formed to help combat the >scourge of terrorism while at the same time adhere to the >prohibitions of Article 9. Mike: Paging the Japanese Elliot Ness! Crow: This new unit will say "OOOOH!" and "AAAAAH!" when the U.S. bombs Iraq. > I propose that better security >measures be put in place at our airports, railway stations and >maritime facilities. Mike: Since plastic can avoid metal detectors, I propose banning plastic from all flights leaving Japan! > It is time to send a message to terrorists >of all stripes that Japan will no longer be an easy target for >them." > Crow: A good first step might be to remove the giant bulls-eyes from the top of the government buildings. Tom: Meanwhile, all the terrorists are pointing at the TV, laughin', throwin' popcorn... >Gov. Nagai left without taking any questions from the press. > Crow: [reporter] What's the meaning of life? Tom: [Nagai] No comment. Mike: [reporter] Is it true that you're afraid of clowns? Tom: [Nagai] No comment. Crow: [reporter] Did Cher really have some ribs removed? Tom: [Nagai] Ummmm.........No comment. >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- > >The Sailor Senshi were gathered at Sendai Hill Temple when the >news broke. Mike: [Minako] Yup. It's official. Olerud signed with Seattle. Tom: [Rei] Well, we're screwed then. > Rei and her grandfather didn't own a television >themselves, but Kumada Yuuichirou, a retired rock singer who had >been living in the shrine for several years now, had one in his >room. Tom: Well, that's not surprising given the Japanese rocker's career span of two gigs and a VH1-Japan special. Crow: I thought a guy named Chad lived with them... > When he saw the bulletin, he raced out of his room and >into the courtyard. > >"Guys! Guys! You've got to see this!," Yuuichirou said; Mike: Warren Beatty actually thinks he can be president! It's hysterical! > "It was >just on NHK, but I can get it on CNN as well!" Crow: [Kumada] It's that big dancing baby from "Ally McBeal" > Since Yuuichirou >had a satellite dish installed, he could pull in the American >cable channels like CNN. > Mike: But he usually ended up watching HGTV and reruns of "Crocodile Hunter". >"What's going on, Yuuichirou?," Rei asked. > >"Something about a hijacking or something like that, Rei," >Yuuichirou replied. > Tom: [Yuuichirou] I'm not really sure. I think that years of binge drinking has destroyed my short-term... um... Oh, Rei! Nice to see you! What brings you here? >Everyone scrambled to Yuuichirou's room. He had tuned in to CNN. >Wolf Blitzer was at the State Department covering the event. > Mike: His cousins, Coyote Sharpshooter and Crunch McManmuscle, were also standing by. >"We can now confirm that Islamic Jihad is behind this," Blitzer >said. "The Imam Al-Kabaz, who heads the Beirut branch of the >organization, Mike: The Islamic Jihad, with over 50 conveniently located branches to help serve your terrorism needs. > announced that it was Akbar el-Salaam All: D'oh! Crow: So much for the element of surprise. > who took >control of the JAL flight from Tokyo to Berlin and has now set a >course for the United States. Mike: [Wolf] This is *journalism*, folks. I'm *not* making stuff up! > Islamic Jihad still refuses to >reveal where in the United States the plane will land, if it does >at all." > Mike: It might just defy the Laws of Physics and stay aloft forever! >"Oh, my god! Crow: [Usagi] I'm blonde! When did *that* happen? > Ami's on that flight!," Usagi said. > >"What can we do?", Haruka added Tom: [Haruka] Perhaps we should gasp a lot and hold our faces! That may do some good, I think! > "Right now, they're right in the >middle of the ocean." > Tom: Oh. The plane's crashed already. Well, problem solved. >Suddenly, Rei's grandfather raced in. > >"Rei! Rei! Come quickly!," he said. Mike: [Grandpa] Someone parked a friggin' big fighter plane in our backyard! > "The Great Fire is raging >out of control!" > Mike: [Rei] Grandpa, we've asked you not to try and program the VCR! >Everyone ran to where the Great Fire was burning. Tom: Oh, the Great Satan's holdin' a weenie roast! Neat! > Sure enough, >it was indeed burning furiously as it had never burned before. > Crow: Yeah, well, you throw gasoline on top of tires and this is what you get... >"This is not a good sign," Rei said. "There are demonic forces >at play here." > Crow: [Rei] I'll get the leeches and the holy water. Daria, you get the rock salt and the rosemary! Usagi! Go get that copy of the Beatles' White Album! >Phobos and Deimos, Rei's pet crows, had flown in and witnessed >the fire. Crow: Crows? Fight tha power, my brothers! Tom: D'oh no. Mike? He's doing it again! Mike: Crow, we've been through this. You're not related to every crow! Crow: Then why am I named "Crow", Mike? If I'm not related to the crow, why am I named for one? Mike: I don't know, I didn't name you! Crow: Exactly my point! So back off! > They were beginning to act strangely, like Rei had >never seen them act before. > Crow: They began to perform the "questions" scene from "Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead" and their looks improved considerably! Tom: Aw, jeez. It's as bad as when The Black Crowes played Woodstock, and they had Security throw him out. >"In all my years I have been the priest of this shrine, I have >never witnesses anything like this!," Rei's grandfather said. Mike: Hey, I see grampa, but where's grammar? >"In fact, nowhere in the shrine chronicles has anything this >intense ever happened until now! Tom: Sir, we *did* advise you to install a sprinkler system if you were planning to let your Great Fire run all night. I'm sorry, but Allstate simply can't cover this kind of damage. > May all the kami and megami of >our faith protect us at this trying time!" > Crow: [Rei] Oh calm down, grandpa! Jimmy just added more charcoal to the grill! No need to get all metaphysical about it. >Usagi turned to Daria and told her, "Now you understand the >seriousness of what we do here. Tom: I hope she does, because *I* still don't have a clue! > This is no kid's game we're >engaged in. Crow: Game over man! Game over! > I used to be a big crybaby and whine a lot, Crow: Excuse me? Used to be? Tom: She had a momentous life change off screen. > but now >I know what my destiny is. Mike: [Usagi] I'm the big important queen of the whole entire world! > I'm supposed to lead humanity to a >better future, and fight those who would destroy that vision. Crow: [Daria] Like Rupert Murdoch? Tom: [Usagi, shocked] What are you, nuts?! >Daria, you have to tell me right now: Are you in for this--no >matter how high the stakes get in this situation--or are you >out?" > Mike: Take your time. Remember, you have two of your lifelines remaining! >Daria now knew the gravity of the situation. God only knows >where the terrorist was taking the plane; Crow: Be fair. The terrorist probably knows too. > even the people she >cared for (in her own way) might be in danger. > Mike: Actually, the concepts "care" and "Daria" are mutually exclusive. >"I'm in," Daria replied in her calm, monotone voice. > Tom: Lithium! It helps you even in the most stressful situations! >"I request that all of you leave me here while I meditate," Rei >asked. > Mike: [Rei] And hand me that "Chicago's Hottest Firefighters" calendar on your way out. >"Now, when all Hell's breaking loose?," Mako said in shock. > Tom: Ya know, praying is the last thing most people do during a crisis. Mike: Oh ya. >"I will pray for the deliverance of the hostages," Rei replied. >Rei's grandfather and Yuuichirou ushered the others out of the >room. Crow: [Yuuichirou] Come on. I've seen her sit around doing nothing, and believe me- it ain't pretty. > Rei got on her knees, the sweat from the intense heat of >the fire dropping from her forehead like mad. Mike: The heat from the fire was dropping from her head? > She raised her >hands in supplication. > >"Mother," Rei began, "I know you can hear me. Crow: [Rei] So turn off your soaps and pay attention! > I have prayed to >you since your death. Tom: [Rei] I know it sounded like swearing, but I was just too stricken with grief to express it. > You know that I miss you dearly, but you >and Grandpa taught me the ways of the miko. Crow: The singer with the Velvet Underground? Cool! Mike: No, that's Nico, Crow. > I pray to you now to >help my friend Ami. Tom: [Rei] She's drawing to an inside straight. I *warned* her to keep the two pair. But noooo, no glory in two pair! > She too has suffered pain and suffering in >her life, and now her own life is in jeopardy. Mike: She's suffered suffering? > If she is in >mortal danger, help her. Crow: [Rei] If not, um, could you put, like, ten pounds on her and make her face break out? > I cannot help her myself now, Mike: 'Cause Tony Tuscadero's coming over tonight. > for she >is far away. Listen to my entreaties, Mother. This I pray in >the name of Amaterasu-Omikami, the Great Heaven Shining Deity who >watches over our people." > Crow: I don't know about you guys, but I'm starting to think Japanese doesn't translate so well into English. >Suddenly, the fire died out. Mike: She just kept talking 'til it committed suicide. > A woman in flowing red robes, >robes that seem to be aflame with the very fire of the Sun >itself, appeared; Mike: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Miss Diana Ross! Tom: Wow. She's got a certain *flare* about her, huh guys? A *solar* flare? Huh? Ya get it? > she had long, flowing black hair and her eyes >seemed to be aflame with solar fire themselves. Mike: So... flowing flames seems to be the motif here... > It was >Amaterasu-Omikami herself. Tom: o/~ Here comes the sun, doo-n-doo-doo! Here comes the sun! And I say, she's-much-shorter-than-I-expected! o/~ > Rei did not want to admit it, but now >she was trembling. > Tom: [Rei] I hope my...beads of sweat...aren't giving me away. >"Do not be afraid of me, my child," Amaterasu-Omikami began to >say; Mike: [Rei] I'm not, it's just your spots'll screw up our reception! > "I have heard your supplication and all shall be done as you >have asked." Crow: Except for that Scott Wolf thing. I mean, even godhood has limits. > She reached a hand out to her forehead, Mike: Amaterasu-Omikami has a headache this big, and it has this story written all over it. > and it >seemed energy flowed from her to Rei. > Tom: Smoke rose from Rei as she screamed in agony and burst into flames. >"Receive this gift of mine; it is extra energy to help you in the >ordeal ahead," Amaterasu-Omikami said. Tom: [Amaterasu-Omikami] It's full of nutri-grain goodness. > "Go in peace, my child." Crow: But mostly, just go! >With that, she vanished, and Rei seemed to faint. She recovered >a few minutes later and left the room. She did not dare reveal >at the time what had happened. > Mike: Because the last time she did, everyone decided it was time for a quick round of Rorschach and Prozac. Tom: I liked that woman. She had real *star quality!* *POOM!* Mike: Tom, the next sun pun, I get the stun gun. OK? >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- > >It was the morning of the big game at Lawndale, due to the time >difference. Crow: Bare-knuckled time zone excitement! > The Lawndale Militia had gathered for a pre-attack >meeting. Tom: Darn bureaucracy! > Anthony Corlew stood up deliver a pre-attack speech: > Mike: o/~ This is the speech to the pre-attack, the opening speech for the pre-attack. Gary called me up and asked if I would write his fight speech! o/~ >"My comrades in arms! This is the big day we have been planning >for months now. Tom: [grunt] Is it? Crow: [same] But what's gonna happen? Mike: [same] First *I've* heard of it. > If we need yet another reason why we need to >take over Lawndale, then the nation, it is in the news we've all >heard this morning. Tom: [Andrew] They've cancelled "It's Like, You Know"! Mike: Sounds like someone has delusions of grandeur Crow: They're preparing for the Joe's Bar & Grillhall Putsch! > The hijacking of the JAL flight proves that >we need to seize power. Tom: [Corlew] After all, the hijacking of another nation's airline surely proves that our government is corrupt! Mike: Lawndale being the obvious choice as a stepping stone to world domination. > If we had a government that was not >afraid to use its military might when needed, things like this >wouldn't happen. Mike: Or they would, but they'd end in cool explosions! > Our present philandering, draft-dodging >President does not have the balls to use his powers that are >given to him. Crow: Well, he does *have* them - but tragically, he lets them do his thinking for him. > And if--God forbid--the hijacker explodes the >plane over our airspace, it will not look good for us. Mike: [Corlew] Plus, it might interfere with the football game! Tom: Actually, sir, won't it rally world opinion around our fight against terrorists? Mike: [Corlew] You're new, here, Jenkins, so I'm only going to kill you a little bit. >Therefore, in the name of all that is right with the white middle >class, Mike: By which I mean Jewel and "Law and Order"... > let us mobilize and take our positions." > Crow: And the Lawndale Militia raised their banner with the Triumvirate of Steve Douglas, Darren Stevens, and Ozzie Nelson. >The members of the militia got up and began to move out. > Tom: [Corlew] And remember! If you get lost, we meet back in the parking lot at 3! Mike: [whining] General Corlew! Sergeant Thorne's hitting me! Tom: [Corlew] That's his job, son. >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- > >Dr. Vander Helffen was watching the coverage of the hijacking >situation on Asahi TV. He had summoned Yoriko, who was expected >to arrive shortly. > Mike: Can you really "summon" someone who's coming anyway? Tom: [Helffen] Now I will command the tides to recede at precisely 9:43! Crow: Doc, could you put the almanac down, please? It's getting creepy! >Yoriko entered. Crow: That's certainly shortly. > Dr. Vander Helffen motioned her to sit down. He >said: > Tom: [Helffen] Have you ever considered the advantages of Amway? >"Yoriko, now is the time for us to launch 'Operation Iron Fist.' Tom: [Yoriko] This isn't like "Operation Steel Gaze", where I went down to the store and bought you a pint of Phish Food, is it? >Now that the attention of the world is focused on this hijacking, >now is the time to strike. Crow: So we're on strike! No more terrorism until those guys come down from their ivory towers and negotiate! > Get our best ninja soldiers together >and get some sarin bombs and proceed to the joint SDF/USAF base >near Yokohama. Tom: You bet, sir! Um, what was the middle part, again? > Now is the time to strike while the iron is hot!" > Crow: So, I'm just guessing here, but this must be the time to strike. Mike: The evidence certainly points to it. Tom: For the remainder of the story, the part of Dr. Vander Helffen will be played by Mojo Jojo. >"Understood, Dr. Vander Helffen," responded Yoriko. > Tom: [Yoriko] And, 5! 4! 3! 2... Crow: [Helffen] Oh, Yoriko! I've changed my mind! It's such a nice day, let's have a picnic with ice cold root beer and buckets of fried chicken! Tom: [Yoriko] Right on schedule. Poor dumb bastard. Mike: I wish I understood what the heck is going on. Tom: Let's take a break to figure it out... [They stand up and exit the theater.] >----------------------------------------------------------------- [1 . . . 2 . . . 3 . . . 4 . . . 5 . . . 6 . . . ] [The Bridge of the SoL] [Mike, Tom and Crow stand behind the command console.] Mike: Well, four chapters in and no end in sight. Crow: Come on, Mike. This is a cake walk so far. Tom: Yeah! There aren't many grammar or spelling errors, and there seems to be a plot, albeit a rather goofy one. Crow: Well, and the characters seem to have wandered in from another story. Tom: Oh, and there's that whole breast thing, but I'm blaming that on Noah. Mike: I guess you're right. Still, I get the horrible feeling that things are going to get a whole lot worse before they get any... [Suddenly, three men dash into view. Two of them are dressed as stereotypical Middle-Eastern terrorists. The third wears a Green Bay Packer sweatshirt and knit hat. All three carry rifles.] Mike: Why do I do that? Something always proves me right... Terrorist #1: Hold, infidels! We are the People's United Resistance Front! We are seizing this vessel in the name of... Mike: [Sigh] Excuse me, but... Terrorist #1: Silence, infidel! You will cease your infernal yapping! Terrorist #2: Riyadh! Tom: Well, since Crow and I are robots, we can't really be infidels as we don't really have any souls. Crow: That's right! We're soulless automatons! Terrorist #1: Oh. I guess I can talk to you then. Tom: But the Doughboy here is one of those infidels all right. Mike: Hey! Terrorist #1: Then you will remain silent, evil one! Terrorist #2: Ben Lauden! [An uncomfortable silence. The bots and the terrorists stand around uneasily.] Crow: So, um... Don't you guys have demands or something? Tom: And what's the deal with the Packers guy? Terrorist #1: Demands? Oh, yes, demands! Please forgive me. I'm still a bit new at this. Ahem. Infidels! We are seizing control of this vessel to strike a blow at the heart of the Great Satan! You will take us to the epicenter of the evil... [Dramatic pause, close-up on the terrorist] The Circle K at 315 Vine in Truth or Consequences, New Mexico! [Cambot pans out to restore the full view of the bridge.] Crow: Oh. Well, I can certainly see why you'd do that. Tom: But what about the Packers guy? Terrorist #1: Oh. That's Todd. He gave us a ride here. Todd: Woo-hoo! Packers! Crow: Have you considered the socio-economic ramifications of your actions though? After all, if the Circle K is wiped out, it could have repercussions throughout the convenience store industry in Truth... Mike: [Interrupting] Excuse me, guys? Terrorist #1: Silence, infidel! Terrorist #2: Rutabaga! Mike: Yes, yes. Silence, infidel. I just that you'd like to know that we can't control the ship from up here. The people on the ground who also hold us hostage steer the thing. Terrorist #1: Cease your lies, infidel! Crow: No he's right. Tom: This puppy's about as mobile as Ted Kennedy during Happy Hour. Terrorist #1: Hmm. Perhaps you are all trying to mislead us into thinking that we can't seize the plane... Mike: It's actually a spaceship... Terrorist #1: Silence! Terrorist #2: Xylophone! Terrorist #1: One of these other doors must lead to the cockpit! We'll go through this one! [The terrorist and his companion walk up to the theater doors.] Crow: Nope, that leads to the theater. Tom: We watch bad movies in there. Terrorist #1: Oh. Bad movies? Like "Batman and Robin"? Crow: No. Not at all. [He walks to the door to the hologazebo.] Terrorist #1: Well, this must be the door to the cockpit then. Mike: No, that's the door to the deathtrap. Terrorist #1: AHA! Your lies have lead us to the truth! This, THIS leads to the cockpit! Soon, we shall take our rightful control of this vessel and then we shall return to wreak our vengeance on you! Goodbye, robots. Infidel. Terrorist #2: Zappa. Mike: No! Don't...! [The terrorists, ignoring Mike's protests, walk to the back of the bridge and walk through the open door, which has tinny music pouring out of it. Mike and the bots walk to the open door and peer inside.] Terrorist #1: [O.S.] Say! What a cute bunny! Bunny: [O.S.] Bite me, nerd boy. [A "KA-CHICK" sound can be heard, followed by screams of abject terror. The bots look away from the opening as Mike closes the door. The trio walks solemnly towards the console.] Mike: Well, the fluffy bunnies claim more victims. [Todd walks towards the open hologazebo door.] Mike: Hey! Where are you going? Todd: Those guys have my smokes. I'll be right back. PACKERS! Mike: No, wait...! [Todd also enters the Hologazebo. Sure enough, more sounds of death and destruction emerge] Mike: Sigh. Why don't they listen? Tom: And you said it wouldn't be useful. Crow: Gee, Mike. I really wish the terrorists could have spoken about their plan some more. I think that they might have really been onto something there... [As both Tom and Mike stare quizzically at Crow, the movie sign begins to flash.] Tom: Mike? Can we fit one more person into the holo program? Mike: I wish we could, Tom, but WE'VE GOT MISERY SIGN! [Mike hits the lights, and the door sequence begins again...] [6. . . 5. . . 4. . . 3. . . 2. . . 1. . .] [The trio enters the theater.] Crow: You don't suppose those terrorists are going to die horrible, screaming deaths, do you? Mike: It's okay, Crow. Despite all evidence to the contrary, I'm sure they were just sent to another dimension. Tom: Well, back to "Magnolia Sourapple Neosporin Doolittle Bagpipe Doormats." >--------------------------------------------------------------- > >Data 5: The NIRAA Strikes! > >At Lawndale High School, Mr. DeMartino was speaking to Angela Li, >the principal. He was trying to persuade her to cancel the game >due to some security concerns. > Mike: [DeMartino] Why, for all we know some loony with a nuke might be planning to blow up the big game! >"Ms. Li," Tom: ...Loves Company. [Mike and Crow groan loudly] > Mr. DeMartino began, "given the fact that a terrorist >has seized a plane and has it going to the United States has me >gravely concerned that there might be a chance he might bring it >over to our community. Crow: [DeMartino] And I'm SURE that those killer BEES are gunning for ME! > We should cancel the game." > Crow: [DeMartino] And not because WE'RE going to get our HEADS handed to us EITHER. >"Forget it, DeMartino," Ms. Li said, "there's too much money at >stake here! Tom: [Li] I got fifty large on the other team! Um, Thompson's still in at quarterback, right? > We've got a sold out stadium, Mike: What, all twelve tickets? > I promised Mystic >Spiral I'd pay them $1000 for playing the national anthem, and >the Fashion Club's poised to make a lot of sales with their >homemade goodies." > Crow: Wow, I never knew high school football was so profitable. >"Dammit, Ms. Li," Mr. DeMartino roared, "is money all you ever >think about? What about people's lives?" > Crow: [Li] To hell to their lives! I have to think about the homemade goodies. Mike: He's a football coach who makes underdeveloped young boys run directly into 200-pound linemen! He's not the best person to be lecturing about safety! >"I could make things rather rough on you if I ask the Board of >Education of start disciplinary hearings against you for >insubordination!," warned Ms. Li. > Tom: Unbeknownst to Ms. Li, Mr DeMartino liked the idea rough disciplinary action. Mike: 'Unbeknownst'? Tom: Unbeknownst. >With that, Mr. DeMartino realized that Ms. Li had him. > >"All right," shouted Mr. DeMartino, "go ahead with your damn >game, Crow: Dam Games! The Olympics of Boulder, Colorado! > but it'll be on your conscience if anything happens to >anyone out there!" With that, he left the office. > Mike: [DeMartino] Except for the life long, debilitating football injuries. Those will still be my fault. Tom: The "portending warning" scene, ladies and gentlemen! Let's give 'em a hand! Crow: Without such professional Cassandras, the disasters that keep us entertained would lack the high moral content we Americans take for granted! So give it up! Let them know you care! >"Paranoid bastard!," Ms. Li dismissed the entire affair with a >huff. > Mike: And a puff, and she blew the whole story down. Crow: I dunno. This seems much more like an episode of "Guiding Light" than Daria. >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- > >Downtown Lawndale was quiet, Crow: [film noir] Too quiet. I headed down to the Morgendorffers to investigate a triple homicide. Something in my gut told me this was going to be a long night... > since almost everyone was heading >for the game. Meanwhile, the Lawndale Militia had quietly >assumed attack positions. Tom: George, why is that man pointing a gun at us? Mike: Not sure, but he sure is being quiet about it. > Trucks were parked in strategic >positions in town. Tom: The Feed Store, Ajax Supermarket, Bun'n'Run... > Anthony was making a check of the situation. > >"Troop A ready at City Hall?," he said on a portable CB radio. > Mike: That's a big 10-4, good buddy. >"Check," said the first troop leader. > Crow: He didn't say "break" first! >"Troop B ready at Police Headquarters?," Anthony asked. > Tom: Sir, Johnson shot the sheriff! He was supposed to shoot the deputy! >"Check," replied the second troop leader. > Tom: [Anthony] Troop F, Ready at Fort Courage? Crow: EET EES BALLOOOOOOOON!! >Finally, Anthony asked, "Troop C ready at the Courthouse?" > >"Check," stated the third troop leader. All was set. > Mike: Soon, they'd all have their drivers' licenses renewed! Tom: The fiends! >"OK, now we wait for the right moment to strike," said Anthony. > Crow: Doodly-doodly-doodly... Tom: Sir, it's been three months! Our wives are getting lonely! Mike: Nope! You stay there and wait for the right- oh, shoot, you know what? I think that was the right moment! Darn! It's gone now! Crow: Wow, arguing about the right moment made us miss the moment! Tom: Huh. Well, ya gotta laugh, I suppose. >Almost no one noticed when a bus stopped and left off Beavis and >Butt-Head, who began their hideous laughter as they headed down >the street toward the high school. > Mike: [Beavis] Hn-hn! I hope this football game doesn't detract from the fine high school band program Lawndale has! >"Wait a minute," Anthony said, "it's those two idiots who threw >firecrackers at the scrimmage." > Crow: Jeez, what kind of feeb forgets a name like "Butthead"? >"Should we kill them?," Poindexter asked. > All: Yes! Tom: Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease... Mike: If you do, you'll be declared the unqualified heroes of the story! >"No," Anthony replied. Mike: [Anthony] I'll handle them two personally. Mwahahahaha! > "We'll deal with those two soon enough. >Hold your positions. It'll only make the taste of victory that >much sweeter." > Mike: Huh? Crow: I'm sensing some very capricious victory conditions in play here. >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- > >The joint SDF/USAF base near Yokohama was one of the biggest on >Honshu, the main island of Japan. Mike: The biggest air base on Honshu was owned by Bill Gates. He used it to house his airfleet that he'd soon use to take over the world. Crow: And Daria will tell you all about it right now! Tom: Ugh, this fic's giving me jet lag. > Airman First Class Brian >Mackenzie, Mack's cousin, was doing some routine maintenance on >his F-15C Eagle when he got the orders. > Crow: Well, that's the first time I've ever heard it called *that* before! Mike: Well, it's nice to see those loose ends getting wrapped up ...several hundred pages later. >"Mackenzie," Sgt. Frank Stone said, "we've just got our orders in >from the Pentagon. Tom: [Sgt] Find a hammer and pay $700 for it, stat! > We are to intercept the JAL plane and force >the terrorist to land the plane outside the mainland. Your unit >is to scramble immediately." > Mike: And the USAF's crack anti-egg squad moves into action! >Brian didn't waste time. He finished up his maintenance and got >ready to go. Crow: His top says, "I Went To The Danger Zone! And All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt". > He didn't even notice the white, unmarked truck >that was approaching the gate. Tom: They're ignoring the Good Humor man? Boy, it *must* be serious! Mike: Hey, it's Sweet Tooth in a cameo! > The two guards on sentry duty >did, but they were ran over as the truck crashed through the gate >and pulled to a stop. Crow: "Watchtower" isn't taking "no" for an answer this time. > It was what he saw next that was shocking. > Tom: One of those new gold dollar coins! Mike: David Letterman, back at work after only a week! Crow: Yeah, the truck breaking down the barricade happens every payday. No big whoop. >The NIRAA ninja soldiers pulled out small black boxes, Tom: Oh, so if any of them crash, their valuable flight data won't be lost. > pushed the >buttons on them, and then donned gas masks. Crow: Pee-yew! Tom: Must've ate at Taco Bell last night. > Brian, not a fool, Tom: Just a drunkard. >got into the cockpit of his fighter and activated the oxygen. Crow: Unfortunately, Brian, having just transferred in from the elite USAF Blimp division, had accidentally filled his tanks with helium. Let's watch the fun! >The devices went off, sending deadly clouds of sarin gas in the >air. Tom: o/~ Sa-rin... SA-rin... Storms are brewin' in her eyes... o/~ > There was enough to kill everyone outside. > Mike: Brian knew this from looking? Is he the idiot savant of poison gas attacks? >Brian activated his radio and alerted the tower: > >"This is Airman Mackenzie to tower! Mike: [Brian] I spilled my coffee, over! > Some terrorists have just >entered the base and activated sarin bombs! Crow: [Brian] And it's 4:59! Should I just swipe out? > Seal all vents in >all buildings at once! I'll try to stop the terrorists until >help comes. Mike: I'll make a few calls! Disbursements might know something! > Out!" > Tom: Damn spot! Crow: [Brian] I'm out of Mentos! What a world, what a world! >The cloud began to subside, and the ninja terrorists moved toward >the hangar where the Neo-Zero prototype was being stored. Mike: The who? The what? Tom: It's the plane. I, um, think. Crow: Um, should I ask why the Americans are guarding a top secret Japanese airplane? Mike: We better not. We might get an explanation. > They >now had their masks off. It turned out that one of the ninja >soldiers was none other than Yoriko herself. > Mike: An unexpected development! Tom: What? Mike: That's what this story needs, an unexpected development! >"Open the doors to that hanger!," she ordered. > Tom: [HAL] I'm sorry. I can't let you do that, Dave. >Two of the ninja soldiers opened the doors, and the Neo-Zero >prototype was now revealed. Mike: [Yoriko] What?! *BREAKFAST CEREAL?!* Crow: [announcer] Yes! New Neo-Zero gives you rice! Corn! And the hearty crunch of rye! A taste that's worth betraying your country for! Tom: So this is the result of security being 'tightened to the biggest extent possible'? > It was unlike any jet fighter the >SDF currently had. Crow: The revolutionary "no wings" innovation had yet to be accepted by the aviation industry. > Based on the rejected YF-23 design from >Northrop/McDonnell Douglas, the Neo-Zero was vastly improved by >Mitsubishi over the original design specifications. Mike: So it's smaller, and comes with optional duoflow control? Tom: They probably threw in a passenger side airbag too. > The capacity >for AAM's had been doubled thanks to the design of new, smaller >and more effective "Neo-Sidewinder" missiles; one of those had >the explosive power of two regular Sidewinders. Tom: Y'know, I'm neo-sensing a neo-theme with Neo-Guerin's neo-story. Mike: Neo kidding? > The machine guns >were also new: Mike: Thanks to the grant, they came complete with bullets. Tom: Probably Neo-machine guns. > it was the experimental 35-mm "Deathgrip" cannon. Mike: Just the thing to use on an important mission, experimental weaponry. Crow: You load the gun and it shoots things! How experimental can it be? >Further, radar jamming devices on the fighter made it even more >stealthy than it already was. Tom: It had its own show on UPN, assuring no one would *ever* see it! > All in all, the Neo-Zero was a >worthy successor to the legendary fighter plane that was its >namesake; Mike: Perfectly capable of attacking Pearl Harbor any time! > although paying homage to the past, it was symbolizing >Japan's ascendancy as the second most powerful nation in the >world, Crow: Ironically, there's a little tag underneath that says, "Made in Taiwan". > a nation that was committed to peace, albeit it was ready >to defend that peace if need be. > Tom: Dost mine ears detect the sound of a soapbox being tucked away? All: BANZAI! >Yoriko stepped up to the cockpit and opened the canopy. Mike: Oh, look, it's Succoth! > She >stepped in and began the pre-flight check. > Mike: [Yoriko] Lessee...Twinkies, check. Ding Dongs, check. Damn, where're my Ho Ho's? >Brian had seen what was going on. Until help arrived, it was up >to him to stop the hijacking. > Crow: [squeaky teen] Excuse me, sir. I'm going to have to ask you to sit down, or I'll call the manager. >"Hold it right there!," he yelled. > Tom: [Brian] I must validate your parking! Where's your stub? >Yoriko had started the Neo-Zero up, and it was slowly taxiing out >of the hangar toward Brian. > Tom: Yeah, it's taking the scenic runway, all right! Mike: And you just *know* the meter's already running. >"I said to hold it right there!," he repeated. > Crow: [Brian] Stop, or I'll say "Stop!" again! >Yoriko fired the Deathgrip cannon. Brian got out of the way, >only to be in the way of several ninja soldiers who proceeded to >use their nunchuckas on him. Tom: I dunno about you guys, but I'm ready to upchuckas. > Yoriko now got on the runway and >put the plane on full throttle; it was roaring down the runway >and soon took off. Yoriko activated the afterburners and soon >the craft reached its maximum speed of Mach 2.5, Crow: See, this is what happens when you don't put "The Club" on your super top secret death plane! > once again an >improvement over the YF-23's original performance specs. Crow: So adding Neo onto a plane's name makes it faster? Tom: Neo for a Neo-Tomorrow! > Yoriko >armed all systems, and set a course for Tokyo. > Mike: Wow, this is just like "James and the Giant Peach", but without the peach. Or the talking bugs. And I wanna shoot myself from boredom. >Luckily for Brian, several MP's arrived on the scene. After a >brief scuffle, the ninja soldiers had been captured, Crow: [sarcasm] Oh really, how startling. Mike: I've come to think "ninja" must be Japanese for "loser". > but already >the damage had been done. > Mike: Brian is dead, long live Brian! >One of the MP's asked Brian, "Did you see what happened?" > Crow: [Brian] Well, I was rather busy getting the snot beat out of me at the time. >"Every last thing, Sir," Brian said. "I tried to stop them, Tom: [Brian] I like, held my hand up, and whined really hard! > but >they had detonated serin bombs. Crow: But thankfully not *sarin* bombs. > I was lucky to escape that, they >tried again to stop them. They overwhelmed me." > Crow: [MP] So they tried to stop them, but they had detonated bombs and then they couldn't. Mike: [Brian] Exactly! >"Airman," replied the MP, "this is a very serious matter that's >just happened here. [All snigger. Mike slaps his head in disbelief.] Tom: [MP] The theft of the giant death plane concerns me greatly! You may not appreciate it, but that thing's not insured yet! > Whoever has that fighter can cause havoc >anywhere in Japan right now. Crow: [MP] It could even disrupt many high school football games, such as the great Lawndale-Highland match being held later today! > But at least your quick thinking >might have spared quite a few lives inside. Crow: Inside what? Tom: Good thinking, letting the gas disperse like that. > We're going to send >you to Gen. Torymura for a debriefing." > Mike: And all they ever found of Brian Mackenzie were the fillings from his teeth. >Brian followed the MP's as they put the captured ninja soldiers >in a truck. Tom: Soon they'll be packed in ice and shipped to grocery stores all over the world. > They were soon heading for the base stockade and the >main administration building. > Tom: [MP] Woo! Man. What a day, huh Rob? I wonder what happened to all that poison gaAAAAACK! >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- > >Sendai Hill Shrine was abuzz with activity. Mike: Everybody was Kung Fu fighting! > Reports were coming >in about the JAL situation, Tom: Look at this - Grant Morrison's the new writer! Mike: JAL, Tom, not JLA. > and now the report of the theft of >the Neo-Zero was coming in. > Crow: Did you hear about the Neo-Zeo? Tom: Heard about it in Rio while driving my Geo! Mike: I heard from my good friends, Theo and Cleo! Crow: They say it was some trio singing "O Solo Mio"! >"We've just got this report in from Yokohama," an NHK >anchorperson began to say. Mike: "Roseanne to Mandate Chemical Castration!" Says Former Love Slave. > "An experimental jet fighter has just >been stolen from the joint SDF/USAF base located at the port >city. Tom: Police have detained a suspicious young black male for questioning. > It seems to be on a direct course for Tokyo. Tom: Seems to be? Mike: Well, it might be headed for Dubuque. Crow: It *seems* to me that someone's a little too fond of that word. > SDF and >American military personnel are asking all civilians to take >necessary precautions in case of an air attack. Crow: If the air attacks us, where can we hide?! It's everywhere! > We will have >further warnings and bulletins here on NHK as we receive them." > Mike: [newscaster] Oh! Another bulletin! The Go Club is having its annual bake sale to raise go awareness throughout Japan! >"I guess now I should tell you about my meeting with Ryu," Mamoru >said. > Crow: [Mamoru] He thinks we should team up and form a folk-singing lounge lizard duet. >"What do you mean, Mamo-chan?," Usagi asked. > >Mamoru began, "Ryu asked--I digress, demanded-- Crow: Implied! Stipulated! *SANG!* > the Sailor >Senshi's assistance in case the Neo-Zero fighter was hijacked. >We have no choice. Mike: Jeez, you make saving the world sound like a *bad* thing! > Special Intelligence has extensive files on >each of us." > Tom: I mean, they must be telling the truth, right? They are the government and all. >"But they don't have one on me," Daria was quick to point out. > Crow: [Daria] I mean, the American government obviously wouldn't have any records on me, right? >"Not yet," Mamoru replied. > Crow: [Mamoru] They're still assembling their "Gloomy Gaijan Girl" division. >Mamoru's cellular phone began to ring. > Mike: [Mamoru] Country 104 plays the boot-scooting best music! >"Hello, Chiba Mamoru speaking," was his answer. > Tom: [Ryu] It's Ryu. Could you send us all the information that you have on that new Sailor Mercury? Crow: [Mamoru] Sure thing! >"Mamoru," said the voice on the phone, "this is Ryu. The time >has come. Mike: o/~ Sends shivers down my spine, body's achin' all the time... o/~ > You and the others are to go to the joint SDF/USAF >base in Yokohama for you assignment briefing immediately." Tom: [Mamoru] But can't we just go stop the plane? Crow: [Ryu] No, no. Not before you come here and we threaten you. > Ryu >stopped there and hung up. > Mike: He didn't say goodbye? How rude! >"We've just got our orders," said Mamoru. "We've got to move it >to the SDF/USAF base at once." > Crow: Move *what* to the base? Tom: *It*! You know - the, the thingy! >Usagi never thought that the Sailor Senshi would ever be called >to stop an internal threat to Japan; always the threat was from >outer space, from another dimension, from another time. Crow: Or even from south Detroit. Tom: Aren't bankrobbers an internal threat? > Now >Usagi and the others had grown up too fast. > Tom: Pardon me? Usagi's gonna break into "Sunrise Sunset"? Why? Mike: o/~ Is this the anime I sleeeept through? o/~ >"All right, everyone!," said Usagi, "It looks like we have no >choice in this matter! Tom: Well, actually you have a choice between doing it and not doing it. It may not be much of a choice, but still..... > Prepare to transform!" > Crow: Optimus Prime, GO! >The Sailor Senshi began their transformations again: > Tom: Brace yourselves! >"ETERNAL MOON STAR POWER, MAKE-UP!" > Crow: SUPER CROW STAR POWER... Tom: No. We've already done that. Crow: Hey, you're not the only one around here who looks good in a skirt! Mike: Okay...let's not go there. >"SUPER CHIBI-MOON STAR POWER, MAKE-UP!" > Mike: PREVIOUS TRANSFORM SEQUENCE, CUT-AND-PASTE! >"SUPER MARS STAR POWER, MAKE-UP!" > Crow: Khaki Cargo Pants, Extra Wide! >"SUPER JUPITER STAR POWER, MAKE-UP!" > Tom: Personally I think it'd be neat if there were one really shy Sailor Senshi, who just sorta went into a corner and whispered her change phrase to herself? >"SUPER VENUS STAR POWER, MAKE-UP!" > Mike: Super Camping Planet Power, Hike! >"SUPER SATURN STAR POWER, MAKE-UP!" > Mike: Shazam! Crow: [Popeye theme] o/~ Da, da-da-da-da, da-da! o/~ Tom: Wonder twin powers, activate! >"SUPER URANUS STAR POWER, MAKE-UP!" > Crow: Extra Wide Butt Power, Kissy-Kiss! >"SUPER NEPTUNE STAR POWER, MAKE-UP!" > Tom: Super Telemundo Blaster, Make Out! >"SUPER PLUTO STAR POWER, MAKE-UP!" > Mike: So maybe this is like Japan's equivalent to a daily self-actualization prayer? Crow: Could be. >"SUPER MERCURY STAR POWER, MAKE-UP!" > Tom: [He-Man] I HAVE THE POWEEEER! Crow: You know, Earth is a planet too. How come there's no Sailor Earth? Answer me that, huh? Mike: Super Planet of the Apes Power, Stinking Paws! >As soon as each of the Sailor Senshi and Mamoru had completed >their transformation, they headed for the base. > Mike: Oh, um, while you were transforming? The plane took out Tokyo. And Kyoto. And Hemenji, and Kanoya, Nara, Osaka... Crow: I have heard that sometimes one sentence can take the place of many. Tom: Really? >"I never thought my trip was going to take this turn!," Daria >said to herself, still fussing over her seirafuku. > Crow: She adjusts her porn costume! o/~ La-la, LA-la la! o/~ Tom: This whole story is thanks to that damn dress-up gimmick at the end of every Daria episode, isn't it? >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- > >"Ladies and gentlemen," Gen. Torymura began to speak, "I guess >you know why you're here right now. Mike: [Torymura] You want to learn how to find incredible bargains at police and sheriff's auctions. > The Neo-Zero prototype has >been stolen by the New Imperial Rule Assistance Association, an >extreme right-wing organization that wants to restore the wartime >military government that had ruled Japan. Crow: Can we just fast forward through this part? > This aircraft is so >advanced, it makes every jet fighter now with the SDF obsolete. Tom: [Usagi] Well, there's one power that the Neo-Zero can't make obsolete. And that's the power of our friendship! Mike: [Torymura] Well, actually the cockpit comes fully equipped with frozen Snickers bars and a Sega Dreamcast. Tom: [Usagi] It does?! Oh my god! Screw you losers, I'm outta here! >The NIRAA's objective is to use the Neo-Zero in a terrorist >campaign to bomb Tokyo until the civilian government surrenders >to them. Crow: Or until they run out of bombs. > Your mission is to stop the Neo-Zero and the NIRAA at >all costs. Tom: [Rei] Will our strategy be to shoot at it until it blows up? Mike: [Torymura] *WHO TOLD YOU?!* > You have complete authority to use whatever means >necessary to stop them. Crow: So feel free to cut down high-tension wires and rejuvenate any spare monsters we have lying around. Tom: Does that include not inviting the terrorists to our Halloween party, sir? Mike: Any means necessary. Crow: Bad-mouthing them to their friends? Mike: Again... Tom: Talking about the terrorists to their face like they're not even there? > Do I make myself clear?" > Mike: No, you make yourself opaque. >"General," Sailor Moon began, "with all due respect, the Sailor >Senshi are not some mercenary force; we don't go out on commando >missions for anyone." > Tom: [Usagi] Just the ones who can afford the price tag. >"Listen, sister," Gen. Torymura replied, "this isn't any fun and >games here! Crow: This ain't no party! No disco! No foolin' around! > You're not dealing with some powerful alien beings >trying to take over the world! Mike: You're dealing with some powerful human beings trying to take over the world! There's a big difference! > We're dealing with a ruthless >terrorist organization that wants to re-annex both Koreas, all of >Sakhalin Island, the Kuriles and Taiwan Crow: But they'll never capture our hearts! > as well as retake the >Philippines, Papua New Guinea, Tom: Harvard Law School, > Singapore, Malaysia, India, >Pakistan, Mike: That new Staples they built by the Palmer Video... > The People's Republic of China, Bangladesh, Bhutan, Crow: Bhutan Rouge? >Vietnam, Mynamar, Cambodia, Laos, Thailand, [All start to growl and sigh.] Tom: Ok. Yeah. The *world.* They want to take over *the world.* You could've just said! > the Pescadores, >Indonesia and the various Oceanic nations. Crow: But yet, they don't want New Zealand. Tom: There's a lesson there for you, you Kiwi bastards. Mike: Wow! Half these countries have vanished since the story was written! > They've even issued >grandiose statements about waging nuclear war against the United >States, Russia, [All repeat their growls.] Crow: [Usagi] Look! You know your geography! We get that! Can we start hitting things now? > Great Britain and France. Mike: [Torymura] We can't risk starting a war with France! It will surely doom the entire world! Crow: Does Japan even have any nuclear weapons? Tom: They don't have any super powered preteens either, but yet they keep showing up. > Sailor Moon, or shall >I call you Ms. Tsukino, this is a very grave matter. This isn't >something you can just say some magic words and hope your enemies >turn to dust. Tom: Why not? It's always worked before. Mike: Well, this time they're up against a really big plane. Crow: But... Mike: Guys, it's a *really big plane*. > We must use force against the NIRAA and stop them >from destroying half a century of progress!" > Mike: Sure, downhill progress but still..... Tom: On the plus side A&E'll have like twenty hours of fresh footage for new war specials! >"But by using some of the methods your government denounces the >NIRAA in using, isn't your government being hypocritical?," Daria >retorted. > All: Huh? What? Mike: Is Daria implying Japan stole a NIRAA plane and is going to bomb the terrorists? Crow: I think it's a sort of pacifist if-we-shoot-back-we'll-be- as-bad-as-them kinda deal. Tom: Huh. Takes all kinds, I guess. >"No one asked you, sister!," Gen. Torymura replied. Mike: [Torymura] Now sit down before you give me cooties. > "And who the >Hell are you anyway? You're not Mizuno Ami, alias Sailor >Mercury!" > Crow: It's Old Man Witherspoon, the guy who runs the haunted amusement park! >"No, I'm not," she replied. "I'm Daria Morgendorffer from the >United States. All: D'OH!!!! Tom: [Daria] And apparently, I've never watched enough Batman to figure out how to keep a secret identity. > I'm filling in for Ms. Mizuno. Tom: Supertemps! > She's now on >board the JAL plane that's been taken hostage by Islamic Jihad." > Tom: And weren't we all relieved by the little plot twist, believe you me. Crow: That implies there's a plot to twist! Tom: Oops. Right. Heh-heh. Sorry. >"Don't get wise with me, Ms. Morgendorffer!," replied Gen. >Torymura. Mike: [miffed] She was answering a question! Crow: Give her a chance, at least! > "You may sass around like you do back in the United >States, Tom: [guffawing] "Sass around"?!? Mike: Apparently, grandmother helped with the dialog. > but remember, we have a saying here in Japan: Tom: "Do as I say or I'll cry like a four-year-old girl!" > 'The nail >that sticks up gets hammered down!'" > Crow: Wow. He summed up Japan in one sentence. I'm impressed. Mike: It's from the Reader's Digest condensed atlas. Surprisingly effective. >"And we have a saying back at the United States you should know >about," snapped back Daria. > >"And what's that?," demanded Gen. Torymura. > Crow: "Gotta Catch 'Em All" - oh wait, that's yours, too. >"'Up yours!,'" shouted Daria. > Tom: It's "Independence Day" all over again... Crow: There are Horatio Alger novels with more plot twists than this story! >Gen. Torymura seemed to blow a fuse. > Crow: Somebody must have stuck a penny in his ear. >"Daria, that was uncalled for!", Luna said, Crow: In all fairness, the general was screaming at her for no reason. Tom: Oh, Crow, they were doing nothing for no reason for so long. At least doing something for no reason gives us a target to spit at. > dropping her >reservations about speaking when strangers were about. > Mike: After all, surely the military wouldn't possibly have any interest in a talking cat. >"You listen and you listen good, all of you!," said Gen. >Torymura. Tom: [Torymura] When I was five my family was killed by a talking cat! > "You will co-operate with us, or you will never get >out of all the possible legal trouble you could face!" > Mike: [Torymura] Even Johnny Cochran won't save you! Crow: You know, it's possible the new emperor and his right-wing junta will have better things to do than continue your legal vendetta. >Daria seized Gen. Torymura by his lapels and threw him against >the wall. > Tom: He must have been singing Anthony Newley songs. Crow: Or made a pun. >"Now you listen to me, Sir!," growled Daria. "I've got a friend >on board that JAL flight and I'm scared for her! Mike: What if her seat doesn't really double as a floatation device? > For the first >time in my life, I'm worried for my family back home! Mike: Why does everyone just *assume* this plane's heading for Lawndale?!? Crow: Well, you know what they say about people who assume, Mikey. > The last >thing I need is your military crap! Tom: [Daria] We're perfectly happy with our civilian crap, thank you very much! > We'll stop the NIRAA from >blowing up Tokyo and maybe get your precious Neo-Zero back, but >we want to play by our rules! Mike: [Daria] So anything below the belt is fair game, body checking scores bonus points, and kilts are *required*. Got it? > Adults screw up things a lot as it >is! Crow: Oh, yes, "Lord of the Flies" was such a social utopia! > And the last thing I need is some holier-than-thou flag >officer in my face!" > Crow: Okay, why exactly is Daria talking like David Hackworth? Mike: Hackworth talks about adults screwing things up? Crow: Okay, why is Daria talking like David Hackworth, as if he was written by Judy Blume? >Daria let go of him and he seemed to slink to the floor. Mike: She browbeats Norman Schwarzkopf! o/~ La-la, LA-la la! o/~ > He got >us slowly. > Crow: [Torymura] I see. Ryu, prepare the firing squad. Mike: [Daria] Oops! >"Fine, do it your way," he finally conceded; "see if I care. Crow: [distraught] I, I, I don't care, not at a-ahuh-ahuh- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!! > I'm >not going to argue with a bullheaded, hotheaded American gaijin- >shojo with an attitude problem. Crow: Man, this is awkward! Why can't he just come out and say he likes her, and wants to take her out sometime? Tom: Save'em both a lot of grief. > I just hope to God you save our >nation, that's all." > Mike: [Torymura] Aw, what the heck. I can just leave the safety of the nation in the hands of some uberkinders. Always worked before. >Somehow, Daria had a humbling effect on Gen. Torymura. > Tom: Hm, try to push around superheroes and they push back! Who'da thunk it? Crow: Plus there's that whole "getting beat up by a girl" thing. >"We'd better check the radar readings," he finally said. Mike: And with the mention of his name, Gary Burghoff appeared. > They >left to go to the radar room. > Mike: You know guys, I don't even think the awesome power of RADAR! could save this story. >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- > >Yoriko was now over Tokyo. She was trying to pick her first >target. She saw the famed Sendai Hill Shrine ahead of her. > Tom: Or a scale model that looked vaguely like the Sendai Hill Shrine. If you squinted. And ignored the wind-up toy cars in the foreground. Mike: Imperial Palace? Meiji Shrine? International Exhibition Center? No, I'll go with Sendai Hill Shrine. >"That will be my first target!," she said. > Crow: Oh, My First Target, the Fisher Price terrorist development set for children 2 thru 4! >She locked on the target on the fighter's HUD, Mike: And received an Urban renewal grant. > then pressed the >fire button. One of the Neo-Sidewinders ejected from the fighter >and flew straight for the shrine. > Mike: Sounds like force feedback Sidewinder. >Yuuichirou saw the missile firing and ran to get Rei's >grandfather. However, the missile was faster than him, Tom: Wuss. > and it >blew the shrine to matchwood. > Mike: See, this is what I feel like doing every time Jehovah's Witnesses are at my door. Crow: Matchwood? Tom: It's what you use to build matches. Crow: Ahhhh. >"DIRECT HIT!," Yoriko roared. > Tom: [Yoriko] Alright, I just wasted precious ammunition on a defenseless Shinto shrine! This death plane rules! >Yoriko then flew toward the Kuriles. Mike: Maybe Larry and Moe will be there, too. > The NIRAA had a secret base >there, since it was in Russian jurisdiction, and Japan dared not >try to follow here there. Mike: Good thing the Russians don't really care about unauthorized death planes flying about in their airspace. Tom: Just give 'em a happy meal and a pair of Levi's and they'll look the other way. > Dr. Vander Helffen was supposed to >meet her there. > Tom: But he never showed. The next day Yerko found a single red rose on her pillow, and a note that drove her to tears. >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- > >The radar at the SDF/USAF base was tracking the movements of the >Neo-Zero. It has just seen the attack. > Mike: Oh no! There was this blip, then that blip, and then the blip flipped! >"Sir," said the SDF private who was checking the radar for Gen. >Torymura, Mike: The General must be pretty big to show up on radar. > "I believe that the fighter just attacked in the area >of Sendai Hill." > Tom: Whoops! My mistake. It's attacking *Daisy* Hill. She must really hate puppy farms. Mike: Well, actually, the Daisy Hill Puppy Farm was turned into a parking lot years ago... Crow: We don't care, Mike. >A sickening thought raced through Rei's mind when she heard that. > Tom: [Rei] Did Clinton say he wore Boxers or Briefs? >"Oh, no! Not Grandpa!," she screamed. There was only one thing >to do: Mike: Steal a theory about comedy from an android named Carlton? Crow: Call her broker and sell all the NeoZero stock! Tom: Shout out lyrics from "H.M.S. Pinafore"? > head back to the shrine. > Mike: Ha. I was closest. Crow: They better get back to the shrine fast. The explosion might have hurt the Holy Fire. >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- > >When they got to the shrine, the TMPD as well as the Tokyo Fire >Department were already on the scene. Crow: Oh, no, the Great Fire is in flames, ladies in gentlemen! Oh the humanity! > Several TMPD officers were >digging through the rubble when they pulled out Yuuichirou. Tom: Otherwise known as "That guy whose name would never be a "Wheel of Fortune" bonus puzzle. > Rei >ran up to him; he was barely alive. > Tom: Aw, don't worry. Rock stars always look like that before the booze kicks in. >"Yuuichirou," Rei said, "where's Grandpa? Is he alive?" > >"I don't know," was all he said. He blacked out. > Mike: All just another Thursday morning for "The Axl Rose of Japan". Crow: [Rei] Gee, thanks for all the help, ya big load! >"Get him to the hospital!," one of the TMPD officers sharply >ordered a paramedic. Yuuichirou was taken away. > Tom: Wait, shouldn't you put him in an ambulance or something first? >"We've found something!," said a firefighter. > Mike: [fireman] I think it's a lottery ticket! From last week! Wanna check the numbers? >Rei raced up to where the fireman was. They had unearthed >something, all right. Crow: Hey! Don't get snarky with us, author! We'll pull this story right over to the curb! > Rei stopped in her tracks when she saw >what it was. Crow: It's Richard Simmons! All: AHHHHH!!!! > It was the short, bald corpse of her grandfather, >still clad in his priestly clothes. > Tom: Wow. Japan's so efficient, the dead bury themselves. >She yelled, "Grandpa, it's me, Rei. Please tell me you're all >right!" She began to shake the corpse. > Mike: Yeah. That'll help his catastrophic spinal injury. Crow: [Rei] Tell me you put me back in the will!! C'mon, throw me a bone here, old man! >The firefighter looked for vital signs. Crow: And tried to put his head back on his neck. > "No pulse, no >respiration," he said. " I'm sorry, Miss, but he's dead." > Mike: [Fireman] But maybe if you shake him a few more times, he'll be OK. Tom: [Fireman] And he's not in a happier place, 'cuz heaven's a big buncha hooey! Have a nice day! >Rei shrieked with a loud "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!," and began to cry >uncontrollably. Mike: Oh, I know this commercial. He's being buried with his Lexus. > Daria went up to her and let her rest her head >on her shoulder. > Mike: [Daria] I'm sorry and all, but you're getting mascara all over this stupid fuku. Crow: Shouldn't one of Rei's friends be doin' that? Tom: Mm, they're probably off getting some Sailor Soft Drinks. >"I'm very sorry, Rei," Daria said, and for the first time in her >teenage life, she was beginning to cry herself. She never felt >anything like this before. > Tom: Considering she never felt anything before, that's quite some accomplishment. Mike: [Daria] Um... look, why don't we mourn from, like, back there? Where the stench of Cajun blackened grandpa isn't quite so thick? >"Grandpa," Rei began to say, "I will avenge your death! I will >not rest until I've destroyed whoever did this to you!" > Tom: I smell a spin-off... Crow: [Rei] And understand I'm engaging in hyperbole here. I mean, I will *rest* from time-to-time. And I can't miss "Judging Amy" Tuesdays at 9. She's so plucky! >Usagi and the other Sailor Senshi began to cry as well. Mamoru >gripped his gloved hands in fists of rage. > Tom: o/~ No angel born in hell/could break this Satan spell! o/~ >"Do not worry, Rei," he said to himself, "the Sailor Senshi and I >will help you in this! This I swear!" > Tom: [Usagi] Ahem. I *am* the leader of the group, you clod. Crow: [Mamoru] Sorry, ma'am. >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- > >A couple of hours had passed in the lavatory where Ami was being >held prisoner. Mike: Boy, on my last temp job, if you stayed in the can more than 5 minutes, they docked your pay! > Ami had apparently fallen asleep, Mike: Great. Even the author's not sure about the character's condition. Crow: Relax, Mike. She's just trapped in Schrodinger's Lavatory. > for then she >saw a strange light, and someone standing next to her. > Crow: Oh, good. Seven of Nine's beamed in to rescue her. Tom: In this story? Hey, why not?! Mike: Now all they need is Agent Scully, Duncan MacLeod, Sonic the Hedgehog and Buffy to reach Crossover Nirvana. >"Who are you?," she asked. > Tom: [Falsetto, British] I am the Spirit of Christmas Past! Come with me Amineezer Scrooge! >"I am the spirit of Hino Rei's mother," the apparition said. Crow: [ghost] These are the moronic plot contrivances I forged in life! > "My >beloved daughter prayed to me and asked me to help you. Mike: [ghost] And I missed a Buddy Holly concert for this, so you better appreciate it! > I will >grant you your deepest, fondest wish in your heart." > Mike: [Ami] Great, but how will having the members of 98 Degrees in a hot tub filled with jello solve anything? >"I wish I had my Sailor Mercury powers back so I can save the >passengers." > Tom: [Ami] Well, the rest of'em, anyway. >"So it shall be done." Crow: So when you die, you can grant wishes? Genies are just ghosts? Tom: Barbara Eden was playing a member of the undead? Mike: Boy, that guy on "My Mother the Car" got really gypped then. > With a wave of her hand, Tom: And a wiggle of the nose, and a nod of the head. > the ghost >imparted energy into Ami, and automatically she began the >transformation to Sailor Mercury. Crow: But halfway through, something went horribly wrong, and she wound up as - THE BRIDE OF THE FLY!!! > Now with new-found strength, >Ami kicked down the door. > Tom: Since when is super-strength one of her powers? Mike: Maybe she was sent Superman's powers instead. >Akbar heard it, and roared, "What's going on?" > Tom: [Ami] The holy ghost of Missus Santa Claus gave me the strength of Cleopatra Jones! >"You evil man!," shouted Ami. "I will not allow you to carry out >your plan! Mike: [Akbar] Um, there's no plan, really. I'm kinda wingin' it here. > I am Super Sailor Mercury, Champion of Love and >Justice! Mike: Isn't Usagi the champion of love and justice? Crow: They take turns. Tom: [stewardess] Can I see your ticket please? Crow: [Ami] Ticket? Um... well my alter ego has the ticket... > In the name of Mercury, I will punish you!" > Crow: Of course, if he's as self-repressed as he appears, he might actually like that sort of thing. >"The only one who will be punished here will be you, infidel!," >roared back Akbar. "And Allah's punishment is the worst of all! Tom: [Joe DeRita] He'll give you suuuuuch a piiiiiinch! >He will condemn you to Hell, you Satan!" With that, he lunged >for Sailor Mercury and applied a chokehold on her. > Mike: Terrorist training by the LAPD. Crow: Wow. Ami's about as good in a fight as the average imperial stormtrooper. Tom: Let's get out of here... >----------------------------------------------------------------- [1 . . . 2 . . . 3 . . . 4 . . . 5 . . . 6 . . . ] [The Bridge of the SoL] [Crow is alone, talking into the handset of a small black phone.] Crow: [mumbling] Come on, come on. Answer alr... [normal voice] Oh, hi Brittany! It's me, Crow. No, no! Don't hang up! Look, I just wanted to talk. I've been doing a lot of thinking. You know. About us. I... I think that maybe we might be able to get back together. Make a new start of it, just you and... [Tom enters, whistling tunelessly.] Crow: [hurriedly] I'llcallyoubackBye. [Crow quickly slams the phone down.] Crow: Oh, hi Tom! How are you? Tom: Fine. Just fine. Say, who were you talking to on the phone? Crow: No one! No one at all! What makes you think that I was on the phone? Tom: I don't know. Maybe because you were talking into the handset when I walked in? Crow: Talking? Tom, don't be silly! I wasn't talking into the phone, I was, er, talking to the phone. Yeah. We're having an illicit affair, and you found me out. Tom: Right. Really, who were you... [As Tom speaks, Mike, with a huge grin on his face, enters the bridge, dressed like a circus ringmaster. Tom and Crow's discussion peters out as Mike poses in front of the doors to the theater.] Crow: Um, hi Mike. Mike: [grandly] Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, robots, nanites and beings of all ages. Michael J. Nelson Enterprises is proud to present The All-New, All-Improved, Never Seen Before, The Ninth Wonder of the Universe, the brand-spanking new, Neo-Satellite of Love! [Mike pauses, expecting applause. The bots stare at him.] Crow: The Neo-Satellite of Love? Mike: Yes, the Neo-Satellite of Love! [He pauses for applause again. Still nothing.] Tom: I'll bite. Mike? What's so special about the Satellite now? Mike: You mean aside from being the all new, Neo-Satellite of Love? Tom: Yes. Mike: Well, the Satellite of Love has been improved to better perform its duties! Crow: Uh huh. How? Mike: I've spent a great deal of time and effort making this Satellite into the epitome of advanced space station technology! Those weasels on the Mir have *nothing* on us! Tom: And you did this, how exactly? Mike: Well, let's start over here with the advanced Neo control system! [Mike moves over to the control console.] Mike: See? Crow: It's our control console. Tom: With the word "Neo" before it. Mike: No! It's more than that! Look! See? Crow: It's not any different than it was yesterday. Mike: Yes it is! Look at the steering wheel! I put one of those fur covers on it so it'll be nice and cool in the summer. Tom: Well, I guess that's an improvement... [Mike walks to the right of the screen, stopping beneath the window.] Mike: And look over here at the Neo Window. I've added this decal of a bat to the window so that the alien space bats won't try to fly through it. Crow: That seems like a good idea... Mike: And over here, on the Neo Wall, I've built this little cabinet so you can have a place to store your Neo Hummels! Tom: Wow. That way when the ships gets rocked by alien attackers, the Hummels will be okay! Mike: Yep! And... [Mike over to the holo gazebo, whose doors are currently open and tinny music is pouring out of the doors. Mike stares at the gazebo doors uncertainly.] Mike: Um, guys? Why is there a tentacle inching out of the gazebo? Crow: Oh, that's just the "Candyland of Cthulthu" scenario. Mike: Uh-huh. [Mike hesitates for a moment, then quickly hits the control panel to shut the gazebo doors. He then shudders for a moment, then rapidly crosses the bridge to stand before the doors to the theater.] Mike: And here, here is my grand masterpiece! I have completely redesigned the door system leading to the theater! Crow: You mean you've figured out a way to keep them from opening so we don't have to go in there? Mike: [pause] Oh. I suppose that might have been a good idea. [Mike pauses for a second or two more, then shakes his head and resumes talking.] Mike: No, what I've done is even better! I've redesigned all the doors. Nope! No longer will we merely walk through to the doors to get to the theater! Nope! Instead we'll have to swim through a moat of Yoo-Hoo to get through one of the doors. Then we'll need to finish a game of Reach for the Stars to get through another one... Tom: Mike? Mike: And then, you'll have to slamdance with Rod Stewart to get through another... Crow: Mike? Mike: And then, to get through the next one, you'll have to help the giks disseminate... Bots: MIKE! Mike: What? Crow: This is all really nice but... Tom: Really, we liked the place the way it was. Crow: And that door thing sounds like an awful lot of work, especially for something that we really don't want to do. Tom: So, can you change it back? Please? Mike: But, but I didn't even get to tell you about the "Kill a Guy" game I built. Crow: It sounds nice, Mike, but we're going to pass on it. Mike: Oh, all right. [Mike dejectedly exits, stage right.] Tom: Poor guy. He means so well. Crow: Yep. Still, what a bunch of stupid ideas, huh? Tom: Hey, just be thankful he never got around to trying to improve us. Crow: [shudders] Good point. [Gypsy enters, stage left.] Tom: Hey Gyps. Gypsy: Hrmph hrho. Crow: Is something wrong? [Gypsy nods, and opens her mouth to reveal dozens and dozens of small, metallic, shark-like teeth that have been inserted into her mouth.] Crow: Let me guess, Neo-Gypsy, right? Gypsy: Hrmph hrmph. [The misery light begins to flash again.] Tom: We'll have Mike fix you right up, just as soon as we deal with MISERY SIGN! AHHH!!!! [As the bots rush around, the usual door sequence begins.] [6. . . 5. . . 4. . . 3. . . 2. . . 1. . . ] [Mike and the robotic duo enter and sit.] Mike: I just thought she'd talk better with teeth. Is that so wrong? Crow: Yes. Tom: Terribly, horribly wrong. >--------------------------------------------------------------- > >Data 6: Enter the Solar Warrior > Tom: Um, I think he already did that a couple "datas" ago. >Ieyasu was watching the latest reports on both the JAL hijacking >and the Neo-Zero attack. Crow: [Ieyasu] Oh my, "Touched By An Angel" sure is different tonight. > He looked outside toward the Nick that >was in the backyard. > Mike: Mr. Faldo, could you stop practicing your drives for a moment? >"Somehow, my old friend," he began to say to himself, "we might >have to fly one more mission together." > Tom: He's gonna fly Nicholas Cage into battle? That'd be cool! >The NHK anchorperson was continuing his report: > Mike: [anchor] And so the fluffy kitten purred all the way home! >"In reaction to these latest developments, Tokyo-to Governor >Nagai Kenji had this to say:" > Crow: [Nagai] AHHH!! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!! >"This unprovoked attack on our own citizens by this terrorist >organization is highly outrageous and receives my strongest >condemnation," Gov. Nagai began to say; Mike: Yeah, like "official condemnation" is gonna make them turn themselves in! Crow: He must have been with the brave coward strike squad way back at the beginning. > "I an calling on the >government to investigate this matter and to check into SDF >security procedures as soon as this crisis is over." > Mike: Now, wait. The sign on the hangar door clearly said, "Authorized Personnel Only". Tom: If terrorists refuse to follow the rules, you can't hold the SDF responsible! >The anchorperson added after that: > Mike: The Governor was obviously drunk on sake when he made that statement, so please disregard it. >"The latest NHK/Yorimuri Shimbun poll now indicates that Gov. >Nagai now enjoys a comfortable 32 percent margin over his nearest >Liberal Democratic and Socialist opponents." Crow: [anchor] But he still trails former pro sumo wrestler Jesse "The Body" Matsumora. > He then paused as >he received some word over his earphone. Tom: [anchor] Really? Is it sheer? > "We had just received a >message from the person claiming to be responsible for this >attack. Mike: [anchor] He claims, quote, "Your... fly... is... open." > We are now playing this audiotape as per the person's >request." > >The tape began playing: Tom: o/~ My name is KIIIIIIIIIIIIIDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD ROCK! banga-banga-bang-bang... o/~ Crow: Great. MTV can't even keep from pre-empting a Daria fan fic. > >"This is Amazana Tom: dot com > Yoriko of the New Imperial Rule Assistance >Association. All: Hi, Yoriko! > We have the Neo-Zero prototype and we are not >afraid to use it. Tom: And, as you know, your weapons are useless against it! > We demand that the civilian government >immediately surrender to us, or else another ward of Tokyo will >be bombed by the Neo-Zero prototype every three hours. Crow: Dick Grayson and Roy Harper are quickly herded into bomb shelters! >Furthermore, all SDF and American military bases will also be >attacked. Crow: And Payless Shoes? Pft! Gone in a heartbeat! > I urge the civilian government to do the right thing Tom: A Spike Lee Joint. >and surrender. That is all." > Tom: [Yoriko] Oh, and son of Jor-el? You will bow down before me. So there. >"NHK will continue to update you on this situation," added the >anchorperson. > >Ieyasu turned off his TV. Now it was only a matter of time. Mike: Soon, yet another episode of Dharma and Greg would air. He was sure the terrorists would strike then. > He >went to the family shrine and knelt before it. He grabbed a >samurai sword that had been in his family for over ten >generations and offered it up to the shrine. Tom: Had to replace the handle, of course. And the blade. > "Spirits of my >ancestors, hear me! Crow: Thankfully, he purchased the "divine tech support" package last time he was at Fry's. > I will not return this sword to its place >until I either have vanquished those who threaten our nation or >until it is presented as an offering to my departed soul. Crow: Or until "Smiley Happy Play-time Death Quiz" comes on at 8. > I nay >not survive this attack, but I know that I will go to a far >better place than this." Mike: I mean, it'd almost *have* to be, right? > With that, he also grabbed the >ceremonial Kamikaze headband which he wore during his service in >World War II and wrapped it around his forehead. Tom: Grandpa, that's a strip of raw bacon! Crow: [Ieyasu] Oh-ho! Thank God! I thought that was sweat for second. > His wife, >Natsume, saw what was going on, and approached him. > >"What is the meaning of this?," she asked. > Crow: [Ieyasu] Jeez, honey, I told you about the Dubya Dubya II Recreation Club, didn't I? >"Our nation is in peril once again, and I must answer the call to >duty," was all he said as he went to the backyard. Natsume stood >there in shock. Tom: [Natsume] Yeah, yeah, anything to keep from having to take out the trash! > "The gods protect him!," was all she said. > Tom: So, this is Japan, Mike? Half the country swearing revenge against the other half? Crow: Superheroes with training bras? Tom: Or without them? Crow: Old folks flying dangerously obsolete planes into battle? Tom: Folks sleeping in dresser drawers all over the place? Crow: Pachinko parlors swallowing the Gross National Product? Mike: Yeah. It's pretty much like this. Except the real Japan has pockey. Bots: Ooh! >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- > >It was not long before the next attack did occur--on Shinjuku. > Crow: No, not Shinjuku! [aside to Tom] What's Shinjuku? Tom: I dunno. Probably a porn shop or somethin'. Mike: Okay, when the NeoZeoOreo shows up here to bomb the crap out of *us*, don't expect me to buy the "surprised" act. >The Sailor Senshi were on patrol in the area. Sailor Moon, Luna, >Artemis and Tuxedo Mask were in front, the rest behind. > Crow: You know, Japan's a big place. Maybe they should've split up, or something. >"Keep an eye out for the jet," Tuxedo Mask said. "We don't know >when another attack could occur." > Crow: Hey! Drudge is reporting that the attack will happen in two minutes! >Daria was right behind Sailor Moon. All she could think of right >now was that Ami was in danger on board the JAL plane; Mike: That, and a great big sausage roll, with lotsa extra sauce on the side. > Rei had >suffered the loss of her grandfather; Crow: The funeral home lost him already?! Man, that's just negligent! > and her own family was >probably at risk at home. Tom: And Minako had that really nasty hangnail. Mike: Again I ask - why is everyone assuming the plane's heading straight for Lawndale?!? Tom: Why would the terrorists bomb New York, Miami or Washington when Lawndale looms like an unplucked jewel on the horizon? Crow: Plus O'Hare is already overcrowded. Mike: Oh, in that case, it - huh? > This wasn't what she had in mind when >she decided to go to Tokyo. > Mike: Actually, it was - she just never thought it could be this good. Crow: We now return you to "Misery Bunt Cake Neo-Sporin and Treacle". >"Pay attention, Daria!," Sailor Jupiter said as she elbowed Daria >in the back. > Mike: [Mako] Do we have to send you to Sailor cram school? Tom: Elbowed her in the back. So are they back to back, or did Jupiter turn around specifically to elbow Daria? Or - Mike: Let it go, Tom. Let it go. >"I'm sorry, Mako, but I was distracted," replied Daria. > Crow: [Mako] Well, okay. I guess we'll just have to staple your eyes open then... >Towering above Daria were the skyscrapers of Shinjuku, the >Japanese equivalent of Wall Street. Mike: Porn shop. Bots: Hey! Mike: D'oh! > Daria could see such >buildings as the Mitsubishi Building, the Tokyo Stock Exchange, >the Mitsui Building and the Matsushita Building. Crow: The Malamute Building. Mike: The Marmalade Building. Tom: The Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing Manipulating Massive Meteors Mama Malapropos Building. > Somehow the >image lent itself of a forest of concrete and steel trees; as in >any forest, there were unseen dangers lurking. > Tom: She could be anywhere! The Miscohikini Building, the Mitsimanamoto Building... even the Miskinippijekylmnoqrtuvwxyz Building! >Suddenly, it streaked out of nowhere. Mike: [Ray Stevens] An' ah hollered over at Ethel and said "DON'T LOOK ETHEL!" but ittuz too late! She'd dun got neo-mooned! > It was the Neo-Zero >prototype! It was at its top speed of Mach 2.5. > Mike: Mach 2.5, for a close, comfortable shave. Crow: Then it crashed into the Manongahelamoto Building, poor bastard. >"Heads up!," Sailor Moon yelled. Tom: And it was immediately sliced off by the wings. Crow: Thank goodness she warned them of that supersonic jet buzzing overhead, or they'd have surely missed it! > With that, she grabbed her old >Moon Scepter with the Silver Imperium Crystal in it and pointed >it at the prototype. > Crow: "Plane". P-L-A-N-E, "Plane". >"On my mark, attack!," she yelled. > Tom: Messier or the apostle? Crow: Same thing, really. >Yoriko, in the cockpit, just snickered to herself. She had taken >a portable CD player with her, and curiously enough, she had >Soundgarden's "Down on the Upside" album in it. Tom: You don't say! What an odd thing, to have broken your vinyl LP to fit in your CD player! That is curious! Thanks for sharing! > She turned it on >and began playing "Ty Cobb". > Mike: Tommy Lee Jones' melodious voice filled the cockpit. >"Let's rock!," she growled. > >The growly voice of Chris Cornell slammed into Yoriko like a ton >of bricks: > Tom: [Cornell] Hi! And welcome to the Satellite News... >"I am sittin' in a magic hat/With smoke and mirrors/And tire >rubber fires/Watch me disappear!/ Crow: Dude, sounds like some primo weed man! > Yeah, yeah, yeah!/ Tom: o/~ He jock it made of steel o/~ > What made it >slow you down/Sucking on a ball and chain/ Tom: Oh, he's teething! No wonder he's so cranky! > Another motherfucker >goes down the drain!/ Mike: o/~ Call Roto-Rooter, that's the name...o/~ > Yeah, yeah, yeah!/Hardheaded, fuck you >all!/ Crow: Wow. I'm beginning to regret sending this CD to Queen Elizabeth last Christmas. > Hardheaded, fuck you all!/Hardheaded, fuck you all!/ Mike: Uh-huh. But how do you really feel? Tom: Yeah. Don't sugarcoat it. > Just add >it on to the hot rod death toll!/Hardheaded, fuck you >all!/Hardheaded, fuck you all!/ Mike: I think this song needs a hook. Crow: My, that nice Ricky Martin sure seems angry. Tom: He got tired of being pigeon-holed. > Hardheaded, fuck you all!/Just add >it on to the hot rod death toll!" > Tom: No way mister! You ain't paid last month's hot rod death toll yet! >Somehow every time she heard this song, Yoriko had this mental >image of Ty Cobb chasing people with a big baseball bat and >beating their brains out with it. Mike: And she never sought help? That's just wrong! Crow: What does that song have to do with Ty Cobb? Tom: Well, it's named after him of course. > She squeezed her fingers over >the trigger for the Deathgrip cannon and began to fire. > Tom: [Beavis] FIRE!! FIRE! Heheheh... Mike: Tom, please don't invoke them like that. >"GO TO HELL, BASTARDS!", she roared. > Crow: [Yoriko] Sorry! I mean, "Please, if you would be so kind as to proceed to hell in a quiet and orderly manner!" >The bullets tore through the air like hot needles through butter. Crow: That image is very evocative of - well, not much. Mike: Well, you know what they say - a bad metaphor is like bathtub full of powertools. >Panic had seized the people inside the office buildings, for now >they were emptying and people were running in terror, straight >for the Sailor Senshi. > Mike: [Falsetto] Hey look, it's the Powerpuff Girls! All: [Falsetto] YEEEEEAAHHH!!!! WE WANT AUTOGRAPHS! >"Citizens, please calm down!," Sailor Moon implored, but to no >avail. Mike: [Usagi] It's perfectly safe. Um, you *are* impervious to bullets, right? > The Sailor Senshi saw themselves jostled by the fleeing >populace. Tom: Well, this is an odd time to have an out-of-body experience. > It was all in vain. > Crow: Good, does that mean we can stop reading now? >Yoriko used the HUD to aim one of the Neo-Sidewinders at the >Matsushita Building. Tom: No, that's the Mescalinohoto Building! Matsubooki's three doors down! > She fired one of them, and the building was >blown to pieces! > Mike: Occupants of the nearby Hitler building felt a wave of relief, but they knew that their time would soon come. >The force of the explosion knocked Sailor Moon to the ground. >Daria helped her up. > Tom: [Daria] At least I can stay upright, you top-heavy cow. >"This is sheer madness!," Sailor Moon yelled. > Mike: Oh, but turning alien witches to dust with your magic wand is normal. >"Right now, we've got to try and stop the attack," Daria yelled >back. > Mike: Once again, Daria's razor-sharp mind comes into play. Tom: [Usagi] Gasp! She's right! If we could stop it somehow, perhaps the situation would improve! >Yoriko was flying for another pass, with the Deathgrip cannon >roaring again. Several people were cut down like grass from the >deadly fusillade of bullets. > Tom: [dramatic] Lawnmower of the Gods! >Sailor Moon now knew it was now or never. She pointed her >scepter at the jet fighter. > Crow: As opposed to before, when she could've prevented the slaughter. Good plan. Tom: [Sailor Moon] You better stop that, you - you - you meanie! >"MOON PRINCESS HALATION!," she yelled. > Mike: She's attacking with bad breath? >The powerful beam issued from her scepter, but was easily >deflected by the Neo-Zero's radar-absorbing skin. > Tom: So how does a radar-absorber deflect a pure magic attack? Mike: Hey, if it was built to defeat RADAR! it can beat anything. >It was now Sailor Mars' turn. She was going to use her new "Mars >Fireball Attack" to bring down the plane. > Crow: She'll call upon the guidance of Tim Burton and then the theaters will empty across the land, and the enraged patrons will surely smite the plane! >"This is for you, Grandpa!," she screamed, then said "SUPER MARS >FIREBALL, FLAME UP!" Crow: Rei? Stan Lee and Johnny Storm are on Line 2. > Two fireballs issued from her hands, and >struck squarely on the cockpit. Tom: [chuckling] Two round globes striking the cockpit. That's subtle. Crow: Read between the lines, kids! > But the plane didn't even suffer >a scratch. > Mike: Because of RADAR! Tom: In fact it was smiling and lighting a cigarette! >What no one noticed in all the confusion was that Tetsuo was in >the area, and had seen all that had happened. Tom: He was probably heading down to the Quicky Mart for some illegal fireworks. > Now he was in a >side street, raising his hands in supplication to the Sun. > Mike: This is no time for a tanning session! >"Amaterasu-Omikami, give thee they mortal servant the power of >the Solar Warrior!," he yelled. > Crow: With a problem like this, perhaps he should be calling a professional Omikami. >The flames of power engulfed him again, and the Solar Warrior >emerged. > Mike: Watch out guys, the symbolism's pretty thick around here. Crow: So couldn't you avoid the Solar Warrior by just stealing stuff at night? Mike: Hm. I'm not sure it works that way. >Daria thought she could stop the plane with her own powers, or at >least give it a try. > Tom: Do or do not. Or just mope about. >"SHABON SPRAY, FREEZING!," she yelled. > >A stream of ice gushed forth, and even managed to coat the plane, >but the engines were just too warm for it to last. The ice >rapidly melted. > >"Dammit!," Daria snarled. > Crow: [Daria] Freezing, frying, and dusting don't work! What's left? Tom: [Minako] Well, we haven't quivered in fear yet, we could try that. Mike: Thankfully, a dove flies by, gets sucked into the engine, and the plane plummets and burns. >Yoriko fired another Neo-Sidewinder, this time taking out the >Tokyo Stock Exchange. > Tom: You know, this may adversely effect the Nikkei Industrial Average. Crow: Eh. It was all just paper value anyway. >"God, how I love the smell of burning concrete and steel in the >morning!," she roared in pride. > Tom: I didn't know concrete burned. Crow: They used that cheap American paper-based concrete. >Somehow, to Daria, this whole scene was beginning to look like >something out of "Apocalypse Now." Crow: As would be implied by the line just plagiarized! Tom: Nearby, Martin Sheen was babbling. "Shinjuku. I can't believe I'm back in Shinjuku." > If only either The Doors' >"The End" or Richard Wagner's "Ride of the Valkyries" was playing >in the background, it would be eerily complete. > Crow: But since only "Mambo Number 5" was playing, things just seemed rather goofy. >But now the Solar Warrior appeared out of nowhere, and stood up >on some debris. > Tom: [Solar Warrior] Hey, I can see the ruins of my house from here! >"Miscreant!," Mike: She's more of a malcontent than a miscreant, isn't she? Tom: Huh, I had her pegged for a rapscallion. Crow: You're both wrong! She's obviously a cretin. > he yelled; "Cease this useless attack! Tom: Tutsu, there comes a time to start taking the crook seriously! > I am the >Solar Warrior, servant to Amaterasu-Omakami, Goddess of the Sun >and Protector of the Japanese! In the name of the Sun, you will >be judged!" > Mike: My use of quaint, old-fashioned speech modes will protect me from your honking big guns! >Sailor Moon couldn't realize what was happening first. To be >fair, no one did. > Tom: And so the entire fanfic is summed up in one simple statement. >Yoriko saw the Solar Warrior and sneered. > Crow: [Yoriko] This super-powered, immortal thinks he can harm ME?! >"SEE YOU IN HELL, BASTARD!", Crow: Apparently, she's got frequent flyer miles to burn. > she roared as she fired the >Deathgrip cannon again. The bullets, however, bounced off the >Solar Warrior's armor. Mike: Ripping through a school bus full of nuns and orphans, but hey, they're not Sailor Senshi, so we'll just ignore them. > The Solar Warrior then pointed his >gauntlets at the craft. > Tom: The die has been cast, will Yoriko take up his gage? >"SOLAR FLARE DISCHARGE ATTACK!," he screamed. > Mike: Man, these guys are gonna be chugging lemon tea and Chloraseptic for weeks. >The fiery energy discharged and hit the jet fighter squarely in >the port engine. Crow: [Mitchell] Port? You got port? > Yoriko was seen reeling. > Mike: Virginia Reeling, in fact! Crow: Well, turn your plane and dosido, change pilots and promenade! >"Dammit, dammit, dammit!," she screamed. She had difficulty >stabilizing her flight, but managed to succeed. She began to >limp back to the secret base in the Kuriles. > Tom: After all, the Neo-Zero can fly with only one engine. Crow: [Yerko] SEE YOU IN HELL! But first, dinner and a cocktail. Bye! >Sailor Moon and the others stood there in shock for a few >minutes. Mike: [Usagi] No point pursuing her. We'll wait 'til she rains fiery death on some other city. > They couldn't believe what they just seen. Crow: Well, they're not alone. > The Solar >Warrior turned to them and said, "She won't be bothering anyone >for a while." > Mike: Just until she's done getting her plane fixed and refueled, then it's back to terrorism! >"Who are you?," Sailor Moon recovered enough to ask. > Tom: What do you want? >"I am the Solar Warrior," he began to reply, "servant to >Amaterasu-Omakami, Goddess of the Sun and Protector of Japan. Crow: And I'm your Met-Life representative! > I >do know about you, Sailor Moon, or shall I call you Tsukino >Usagi, or even yet Princess Serenity?" > Mike: So I guess the whole secret identity thing is really just a courtesy, huh? >"How--how do you know?," Sailor Moon wanted to know. > Crow: [Solar] Oh please. Do you know how many websites there are about you? >The Solar Warrior continued, "I am the last surviving member of >the old Solar Realm that existed tens of thousands of years ago >in what was known as the Golden Epoch. Mike: He's aged well. Crow: He eats all his veggies. > My race was old when >yours was not even established yet. Tom: Oh great, here we go with the old 'my race was old before yours was not even established yet' bit. > I assure you that I am on >your side in this battle." > Crow: [Solar] You guys *are* evil, right? >Luna, ever the doubting Thomas, said, "Prove it." > Tom: [Solar] Look at my American Express card. See? "Member since the Golden Epoch." >The Solar Warrior produced an old relic: Mike: Wow! Dick Clark's report card from elementary school! > a Moon Kingdom >Medallion of Valor, the highest award that was ever given by that >old dominion. > Crow: The Moon Kingdom was in Virginia? Mike: That puts the whole "Marrissa" storyline in a scary new light. >"This was once given to my by Queen Serenity for services >rendered in stopping a Mecha-Dominion attack against her realm. Mike: [Solar] I bought it at a pawn shop for six bucks. Cool, huh? >This was long before you were born, Sailor Moon." > Tom: This guy's stiffer than a frozen fishstick! >Sailor Moon and Luna both saw it. "No doubt it is the real >thing," Luna finally said. Crow: Oh, yeah, the *band* No Doubt's the real thing. This guy? We gotta keep an eye on him. > "Very well, we will accept you as an >ally for now." > Tom: [Luna] This obscure hunk of metal has me firmly convinced! >"I'd better be going," the Solar Warrior said, then departed. > Mike: That's just what I like in a hero. He says what he'll do and then he does it. Crow: [Luna] We never even thanked him. And look! He left behind a silver stuffed shirt! >Daria seemed to be strongly drawn to the Solar Warrior, but >didn't know why. Was it that he alone was fighting for his >nation where everyone else was running, or that he seemed to be >such a caring person as to risk all in saving complete strangers? Tom: Or was it his really cute butt? She just wasn't sure. >This person wasn't like the students back home in Lawndale, the >typical dumb jocks and airheads who put down brainy people like >her. > Crow: Solar Warrior: Friend to all nerdy children. >"Daria, snap out of it!," Sailor Pluto said. "You're drifting >again." > Mike: [Pluto] Drop anchor and issue a course correction immediately! >"Sorry," replied Daria. > Crow: Good thing she didn't hear him mumbling "Huhuhuh, fire fire fire!" as he left. Mike: She's smitten by Al Gore as Iron Man! o/~ La-la, LA-la la! o/~ >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- > >Yoriko barely made it back to the secret base in the Kuriles. >she jumped out of the cockpit and cursed her luck. > Tom: [Yoriko] It was very unfortunate they tried to stop my killing spree! Perhaps next time they'll be distracted by a burnt potato chip! >"Get this prototype fixed up immediately!," she shrieked. > Crow: [Yoriko] SEE YOU IN THE CAFETERIA, YOU BASTARDS! Mike: I bet it's tough getting parts for a prototype. Tom: You probably have to order them special from Japan. >Dr. Vander Helffen had just arrived, and he was not happy. > Tom: So, then, he was unhappy? Crow: Let's not jump to conclusions. >"What is the matter, Dr. Vander Helffen?," she asked. > Tom: It's my wife, Nick. I just can't bring her to org.. Mike: Turn that train around, Tom. Tom: But the Zuckers can get away with it! >"It's the 'Hi no Tori' immortality pills," he started. Crow: So, Tori Spelling is the key to immortality? Mike: Who knew? Tom: [muttering] Hopefully not her father... > "I'm >almost out of them." > Tom: [Helffen] I need you to take the plane to the drug store and pick me up a case. Oh, and blow it up when you're done. >"WHAT!," Yoriko yelled. > Mike: This is what happens when you listen to loud music while blowing up stuff. Tom: Shoulda used some ear protection. >"I've been having difficulties getting the ingredients to make >more," he said, Tom: [Helffen] Did you know they stopped making "Quisp"? I had no idea! > "and I don't know when they'll be available. Tom: Yeah, who would have thought immortality pills would be so popular? > I >have to make more, because if we miss even one dose, serious side >effects from withdrawal will occur. Crow: Some Hair Loss is normal in "Hi No Tori" use. Mike: Less than 3% of "Hi No Tori" users developed painful, running scabby sores on parts of their anatomy they'd be ashamed to show their doctor. Tom: If users of "Hi No Tori" should spontaneous transmogrify into a giant robot, discontinue use and contact your physician immediately. > Please be patient with me, >and I will make more." > Tom: [Yerko] Well! Then I guess I'll SEE YOU IN THE PHARMACY, YOU BASTARD! >Dr. Vander Helffen was buying some time, Mike: Why buy it when you can lease it? Crow: It costs more that way Mike! Those time dealers'll have the shirt of your back before you know it! Tom: Hehehe, poor saps. I get *my* time wholesale. Got a guy on the inside. > but even he knew that he >had to make more soon, Tom: As previously stated. > for the pills had an addicting effect on >whoever took them. Crow: Yeah, immortality is habit-forming! > Dr. Vander Helffen himself took another pill >of his creation to counteract the addictive cravings, but he >didn't give it to Yoriko; as long as she was addicted, she would >remain loyal to him. > Tom: Wow! I woulda thought the immortality *alone* would be enough. Crow: That is one ungrateful homicidal maniac, I tell ya. >Yoriko, mad as ever, shrieked and stormed out of the landing >area, punching out two ninja soldiers standing guard duty. > Tom: Ninja! It's Japanese for "cannon fodder"! Mike: Soon, another pair of Old Navy Ninja Mittens will be made. >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- > >She didn't know how long it was that Akbar had her in a >chokehold, Crow: Seems like a couple of chapters at least. > but Ami somehow knew that she was on the verge of >blacking out. Tom: Were black spots flashing before her eyes like multitudes of black butterflies? > Akbar was yelling some nonsense or something, Mike: Oh, wait. He's just singing that Bloodhound Gang song. > but >she was in such a oxygen-deprived stupor that it didn't make any >sense. > Mike: You know, it may just be they're showing "Mighty Jack" as the in-flight movie. Tom: That would explain it. >Suddenly, someone got out of his seat and took a tray, banging it >against Akbar's head. Crow: It's "Police Academy - Assignment Fanfic Patrol"! > Akbar let go of Ami, took a knife from his >belt, and threw it squarely into the heart of his attacker. Mike: Thank you, nameless savior! But you have no superpowers, so please leave the scene now! > He >fell dead, but it bought Ami some time. Mike: Well of course. She'll have a lot of time to save the plane if Akbar is dead. > She got up and charged >right at Akbar. > Crow: Charged? She's right there! Remember, the choking? >They fell to the floor and rolled around, exchanging punches. Crow: [Austin Powers] Ohhh, yeah, Ba- Mike: Stop that. >Akbar then got the upper hand, held Ami down and began to sucker >punch her. > Crow: Eat it boy, eat it! Tom: It's not a sucker punch if you see it coming. >"YOU WILL DIE, YOU INFIDEL BITCH!," he yelled. > Crow: [Akbar] I see you dying in an old age home at age 87! But you will be dead! At least until you reincarnate again! >Ami summoned up enough courage and kneed Akbar in the crotch. >Akbar was sent howling. > Tom: OWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Werewolves of First Class! >Now they stood glaring at each other. On one side was Mizuno >Ami, the second of the Sailor Senshi to be discovered and veteran >of numerous battles against evil; Tom: Princess, Heir to the throne of Essex, Fighter Comman- Crow: *AHEM!* Don't invoke something you're not willing to endure, Servo!! > at the opposite end was Akbar >el-Salaam, the terrorist who had murdered countless Israelis and >swore to destroying the modern Jewish state. Tom: They'll be joined by Jon Davidson and Joyce DeWitt tonight on $25,000 Pyramid! Crow: I thought he was mad at Americans? > Ami tried to think >back to whether she was in so much danger. Mike: [Ami] Hmmm, am I in danger now? Maybe... > Never, she realized. Tom: Ah - umm... Mike: Don't even try, Tommy. >Even the first battle against the Dark Kingdom was easy. But >this was different: This was a mere mortal human, Mike: Therefore it was harder. (stops) Huh? > with only the >hatred in his heart fueling his rage. > Crow: Just think, Mylanta could have solved all of this. >"Give it up, Akbar! You can't win, and you know it!" > Tom: [Akbar] Oh, come on! I still have this neat plane. I could probably take it to Vegas, pick up some chicks, fly'em to Colorado- impress the hell out of'em! >"NEVER!," yelled Akbar; "I WILL SACRIFICE THIS WHOLE SHIP IN THE >NAME OF ALLAH!" > Mike: [Akbar] BUT FIRST I SHALL HAVE A QUICK BRUNCH! >Ami took a look out a window. The West Coast of the United >States was now visible, Tom: He could tell because Gwyneth Paltrow's ego is visible from 36,000 feet. Mike: By the way, who's flying the plane exactly? Crow: Well... maybe Otto from the "Airplane" movies? > and in due time they'd be over it. What >was not known, however, was that in a couple of hours time they'd >be over Lawndale. > Crow: Which is now apparently the center of the universe. >"God, please don't let me die!," screamed the flight attendant. > Mike: She's only 17. >"SILENCE!," roared Akbar. > Mike: [Akbar] IS GOLDEN! >Ami knew that if she was going to stop Akbar, now was the time. Tom: Once he crossed the American border, she couldn't touch him. >Ami threw herself right against Akbar, and the both fell against >the emergency hatch. Tom: Which, in accordance to FAA regulations, flies open the instant someone bumps their elbow against it. > >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- > Crow: And we quickly cut away before any of that distracting tension could build. >It was about an hour before kickoff, and already a huge crowd had >filled the stands at the football field. Tom: [yokel] So when does Truck-a-saurus come out? And where are the flaming school busses Knievel's gonna jump? > Jake, Helen and Quinn >had grabbed good seats. > Mike: Tsk. A football stadium with only three good seats. Tom: What were those designers thinking? >"If only Daria was here right now," Jake said. "This is always >her favorite time of the year." > Tom: Yeah, she's always so enthusiastic about sports and stuff. Crow: [sighing] A Kitty Kelly biography would be truer to Daria's character! >Quinn was wearing a jacket so she wouldn't be too cold. But now >the temperature was a bit warm, so she took it off. > Mike: Due to the graphic nature of the jacket removal scene, parental discretion is advised. >"Quinn, I hope the Fashion Club does well selling its goodies!," >Helen said. > >"We will, Mom," Quinn replied. > Tom: [Quinn] After all, everybody loves Doritos and Gummi Worms. >Jane then showed up. Mike: Evening everybody. Bots: Jane! Crow: How's the world treating you, Ms. Lane? Mike: It's a dog eat dog world, and I'm wearing Milkbone underwear. > >"Jane," Quinn said, "You never show up for the big game! Why >now?" > Crow: [Jane] What?! Is there something odd about me wanting to see a football game? Tom: [Quinn] Well....yeah! >"Because," Jane replied, "someone's got to watch over you in case >Beavis and Butt-Head try anything funny on you!" > Mike: She's certainly a loving person when Daria isn't around to dominate her soul. Crow: [Jane] And your parents are just a couple of irresponsible lushes. [waves] Hey, Mr. Morgendorffer. Helen. >Just as she said that, the familiar hideous laughter of Beavis >and Butt-Head could be heard. > >"Uh, where's Diarrhea?," Butt-Head asked. > Tom: Usually, it's raging inside you, kinda like a storm. >"I told you, you two dolts, she's in Japan!," Quinn replied. > Mike: You know, considering that "Daria" was a spin-off from "Beavis and Butthead", you'd think Quinn would be a little grateful. Crow: Or at least pretend. >Beavis, who had eaten seven candy bard on the way over. Tom: No, not Shakespeare with Cherry Caramel Filling! > went >spastic and began to do his Cornhulio schtick; Crow: I guess that psychotic episodes can be considered to be a schtick... > he pulled his >shirt over his head, raised his arms, shook his fists and then >screamed: > Crow: [Beavis] A FREE MARKET ECONOMY WILL EVENTUALLY PROVIDE PROSPERITY FOR ITS CITIZENS! Tom: [Butthead] Uh, like, no way. Centralized planning is an important key for any national GNP, buttmunch! >"AAAAAAAAAA! I AM THE GREAT CORNHULIO! YOU WILL GIVE ME TEE PEE >FOR MY BUNG HOLE!" > Tom: [Quinn] Well actually Beavis, the tipi, or "teepee" as the crude Anglo translation would have it, was just one of many forms of Native American housing. >Jane seized the both of them and gave them a quick kick to their >testicles. > Crow: Wow! Three crotch kicks in five minutes! Tom: This is becoming more painful to watch by the second... Mike: I'm thinking that Jane's obsession with Jackson Pollack has led her to emulate his hard-drinking idiot male behavior. >"Do that again, and I'll kick both your asses!," Jane roared. Tom: If being screamed at justifies a kick to the groin, those Japanese superheroes are in for some unpleasant surprises! >"Leave Quinn alone!" > Mike: [Jane] SHE'S MINE! ALL MINE! BWHAHAHAHAHA! >"This sucks! She got us in the nads," Beavis said as they both >slunk away. > Mike: After the fetal position, whimpering, watery eyes, nerve-numbing pain, and so forth. Tom: Security comes over, arrests Jane and Quinn, and they're expelled for inciting a riot! >"What assholes they are!," Jane said. > Crow: [Yoda] Think so, do you? >"Jane," Quinn said in relief, "I didn't think I was ever going to >say this, but thanks for saving my bacon there." > Tom: [Jane] Anything for thin strips of fat and pork! >"No problem," Jane replied. "I'll bill you later." > >"You wouldn't!," Quinn said. > Mike: [Jane] Wouldn't I, though? >"Then again," added Jane rather quickly, "I'll let this be a >freebie this time." > Tom: "Thelma and Louise 2: The Quickening!" >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- > >The Lawndale Militia was poised to strike at any time. Mike: Like June of 1850, or 1492! >Poindexter, however, was getting antsy. > Crow: Thankfully, we haven't seen any references to flutes or band camp, so we're safe from *that* particular scene. >"When are we going to strike?," he asked. > Tom: The contract expires at midnight, kid. Meanwhile, we negotiate, and wait. >"Soon," was all that Anthony Corlew said. "Patience is a virtue Tom: I thought it was Compassion, Honesty, Valor, Honor, Spir- Mike: That's enough, Avatar. >that a good soldier must have. Crow: [Corlew] You patient yet? No? How about now? > We will strike when it is to our >advantage." > Mike: Thank you, o' redneck Lao Tzu. Tom: [redneck] To know your enemy....*spit, ting*...you must know yerself! >Anthony knew that soon the hammer would fall. Crow: Here we stand. Here we fall. History won't care at all. > But what he didn't >know was that his plans would soon be turned on its head. > Tom: Aha! Lawndale is going to invade him! It'll be - huh? >----------------------------------------------------------------- Crow: I think we need to get out of here for a while. Mike: Let's, then. [All exit] [1 . . . 2 . . . 3 . . . 4 . . . 5 . . . 6 . . . ] [The Bridge] [The console has been turned into a news desk, with a corporate logo saying "NHK" in the background. A booming news theme song is playing. Mike, in a cheap suit, acting as the anchor, sits at the desk, arranging papers.] Magic Voice: We interrupt this commercial to bring you this NHK Imitation News Flash! NHK - You won't believe it's not news! Mike: Ah-ha! Many towns shake in terror, as the Neo-Zero death plane brings fire and destruction! NHK news has received this tape, from a person who claims to have stolen the plane! I would call that a scoop, wouldn't you? We play this tape for you live, and unedited! [CUT TO videotape. Tom is in Arab dress, hidden by a veil, standing in front of an array of Matchbox cars and tiny scale banners, to imply a used car lot.] Tom: Citizens of Japan! Run in fear! Cower at my feet! Surrender to your new master: Harold Bergman, of Bergman Honda in Nagano! You WILL pay my high prices! DRIVE my poorly designed cars, with NO warranty! And don't forget the RUSTPROOFING! MWAH HA HA HA! [Crow enters, in Japanese army uniform, holding a bayonet.] Crow: [grandly] Not so fast, Harold Bergman of Bergman Honda! Tom: [terrified] Oh, no! Honest Akira, and his unbeatable army of refurbished Toyotas for sale or lease! RETREAT!! [CUT BACK to news desk.] Mike: Wait folks! NHK has just received *another* tape, from *another* terrorist claiming to control the Neo-Zero! Here he is now! [The video camera opens in some Kid's bedroom, pointed at some Kid's legs (Kid portrayed by Paul Chaplin).] Kid: Um... OK. OK. OK. OK. [The Kid adjusts camera to point to his face. He's wearing a pair of pajama bottoms over his head, with eye holes cut out the seat.] Kid: OK. Lookit. Um, it's like, I'm gonna, like, blow stuff up? Until Ms. Schiffrin cancels her math quiz Tomorrow? And-and-and she has to stop yelling at Kids for no reason, like Kevin Brackman and his friends Bucky and Phil? Mom: [O.S.] JUSTIN! Dinner's ready! Kid: [whining]: MOOOOM! LEAVE ME ALONE ALREADY! [CUT BACK to news desk. The desk is now haphazardly stacked with hundreds of videotapes. Mike holds a handful of them, fanning them like cards.] Mike: Aha! More tape! More scoops! *Live!* [CUT to tape #3.] Tom: [holding potato chip bag] I'd betray my country for the great taste of Lay's potato chips! [CUT to tape # 4 - Bridget and May Jo, dressed in smart-looking ensembles, seated on a couch. The "Lifetime" logo is at the bottom of the screen] Elaine: [Bridget] Okay, hi, I'm Elaine, and this is my co-host, Sarah, and welcome to "Lifetime Takes Over the World". Sarah: [MJ] Today, we'll start by liberating Japan from its androcentric, paternalistic ruling government, and we'll show you how - but first, this commercial for a really important, uplifting, life-affirming movie you should all watch. Elaine: It stars Lindsay Wagner, Kate Jackson and Valerie Bertinelli. Sarah: Then, 36 straight hours of "Designing Women" reruns. [CUT to tape #5] Crow: [on bended knee, to camera] Brittney? Honey? Will you marry me? I'll take over Japan for you, Sweetie. [CUT to tape #6. Footage of an erupting volcano plays as we hear Tom's voice over.] Tom: [V.O.] Why does my house get blown up by death planes? Page 154. [CUT to tape #7 - N'Synch's "Bye Bye Bye". As the video plays, 'Beez' McKeever appears, dressed as a teenager, in an inset at the bottom.] Teenage Girl: Omigod, we will like, TOTALLY bust up Japan unless Carson Daly plays N'Synch non-stop forever, because N'Synch is just the COOLEST, BESTEST BAND EVER!!!! I LOVE YOU JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE!!!! [CUT to tape #8 - Tom and Crow asleep. Quickly - ] [CUT to tape #9 - Brak, on the set of "Space Ghost Coast-to-Coast"] Brak: LET BRAK RULE JAPAN! Space Ghost: [OS, annoyed] No! Brak: BRAK'S GOT A PLANE! A great big plane! All furry, with four legs, and it barks like this - Bow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow! Zorak: [Entering shot, looking interested.] Hey, Brak - is your plane named "Spot"? Brak: Yes? Zorak: Because I think I just ran over your *plane* in the *parking lot!* MWAH-HAH-HA-HA! Brak: [crying] *NOOOOOOOOO! SPOOOOOOT!* [CUT BACK to news desk.] Mike: We'll have more unsubstantiated piffle as the story disintegrates! [Theme song returns, Lights dim, PULL BACK from Mike as he rearranges his papers.] Magic Voice: NHK News! When you want your news from a station that's almost "Kahn" spelled backwards! [Commercials] [The trio enters and sits.] Mike: One question, who's Jason Timberlake? Crow: He's like Gregg Alexander, except sassier. >--------------------------------------------------------------- > >Data 7: Black Saturday at Lawndale > Tom: Quite possibly the bleakest day in the American economy was when the Fashion Club bake sale failed to stem the rising tide of inflation. >Back at the JAL plane, the fight between Ami and Akbar was now at >a fever pitch. Crow: [Amy] Akbar seems to be immune to shiny objects! I'm doomed! > Akbar gave a kidney punch to Ami, Crow: An organ meat-champagne cocktail? How nouveau! > sending her >reeling. Ami staggered a bit from the blow, Tom: That's what "reeling" means, Pete. But thanks for caring! > but wasn't down for >the count yet. > Mike: [The Count from "Sesame Street"] Vun, two, three, four, five, six, seven - seven confusing, boring chapters! Vwahahaha! Tom: By now, Ami's beginning to wish she'd stayed in the bathroom. >"I WILL KILL YOU IN THE NAME OF ALLAH!," Akbar screamed. With >that, he opened the emergency hatch, and air gushed into the >cabin. Tom: Oh thank you! It was so stuffy in there! Crow: Okay, wait, hold it, time! Wouldn't the air be sucked *out* of the cabin at this point?!? Mike: It's rushing in to fill the vacuum left by the lack of logic. > Everything that wasn't nailed down was blowing around the >cabin. Crow: What about the lifeless bodies of the passengers? They're not nailed down. What about Akbar's clothes? > Akbar seized Ami and tried to toss her out of the open >door. Mike: [Akbar] OK, now you're going to feel a slight pinch... then a feeling of weightlessness and freedom, followed by a sickening thud. > Ami, however, hung on with all the strength she could >muster within herself. Tom: Plus, some she borrowed from the guy in the seat next to her. Crow: Hey, if they're over Los Angeles, she'll probably seep slowly down through the air like it were porridge. > Ami took a good look at the device on >Akbar: Mike: [Ami] Say, is that a Rolex? > the clock said it would go off in ten minutes. Ami >realized that she didn't have too much time left. > Mike: Specifically, ten minutes. Tom: That's five minutes after she realized she better do something, and fast! Crow: Time moves slower as it approaches a black hole. And this story certainly qualifies. >"I WILL SEE YOU BURN IN HELL!," Akbar roared. Crow: Akbar, the hard-of-hearing terrorist! > He banged on Ami's >left hand, causing her to momentarily lose her grip. She >regained it as the wind was howling in her face. > Crow: How does that work, exactly? Tom: You lose your grip, get blown all the way around the world, then re-catch it as you go around again! >Suddenly, Ami kneed Akbar in the testicles, sending him howling. Crow: Four. Mike: [wincing] I wish Peter would think of new way to end fights. Tom: Kind of a one trick pony, isn't she? Mike: Well, she does do it very well. >Ami clambered back on board; what she had to do had to be done >quickly. > >"SHABON SPRAY, FREEZING!," she yelled. > Crow: NEW, FROM LOREAL! >With that, Akbar was frozen solid. Crow: [Ami] Man, I should've thought of that earlier! I could've saved myself the whole hanging-out-the-plane thing! > Ami pushed him from behind >and sent him then and there through the open emergency exit and >into the air! > Crow: And they were complaining about Daria's violence streak earlier? Mike: Ironically, he's gonna fall right on Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet. >Somehow, Ami thought she heard a muffled "NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Mike: That's just the readers. Sorry for the confusion. > as he >fell, down, down, down, Mike: [Mole people guy] Down, down, way way down... Bots: Mike! Mike: Okay, okay, sorry. > tens of thousands of feet. Tom: [weatherman] It'll be mostly sunny today, with a chance of isolated hailstorms- really *really* isolated hailstorms! > The frozen >body then landed in the ocean, and plunged, deep, deep, deep into >the water. Tom: The readers winced at the bad, bad, bad writing. Crow: Doesn't ice float? > A shark saw Akbar and ate him whole. Crow: Wow! That must have been one hell of a big shark! Mike: It's one of those python sharks. > The shark then >swam away. By then, the nuclear device went off, with the shark >at ground zero and only killing whatever lives deep down in the >furthest reaches of the ocean. Crow: It's a darn good thing that stuff that happens underwater has no effect on the rest of the world, huh? Mike: See, all that nasty atomic bomb did was create a harmless little tidal wave that'll swamp the folks at San Bernardino before they know what hit'em! Tom: I for one feel sorry for the shark. > Lawndale had been spared of one >horror, but another was to come soon. > Tom: The Yanni/Jar-Jar Binks concert tour? >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- > >The game was about to get underway at Lawndale. The PA system >crackled to life: > Mike: [nasal] Would whoever took the footwarmer from the principal's office please return it. Thank you. >"Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen! Crow: [PA] Don't you people have *lives*? > Welcome to Lawndale High >School! This afternoon your Lawndale Lions will take on the >Highland Fighting Trojans!" > Crow: They're wearing their new ribbed uniforms. >With that, the announcer went into the usual descriptions of the >starting lineups. Mike: [PA] At quarterback, the dumb likable guy! At wide receiver, the token black guy! At all other positions, faceless toadies! > After announcing that for Highland, Brittany >and the other cheerleaders took to the field as the opening >lineup for Lawndale was announced. Tom: The final score: Highland 79, Lawndale Cheerleading Squad 0. > As soon as it was time to >announce the starting quarterback, the announcer took on the >usual tone of fake enthusiasm appropriate for such occasions: > >"And, last but not least, Mike: [PA] I mean, there must be some single-celled organisms lower than him, right? > here is your starting quarterback, the >one, the only, KEVIN THOMPSON!" > Crow: Damn! He made it out the locker room without tripping. We're screwed. >Kevin got onto the field, and Brittany gave him a big hug and a >kiss. Tom: Crow, you're taking this awfully well. Crow: What? Tom: Well, you and Brittany dated for a while... Crow: Shut up, Tom. Tom: I mean, if my ex-flame was kissing some handsome young quarterback- Crow: Shut up, Tom! Tom: After all, there might still be an ember of love in my heart... Crow: SHUT UP, TOM! > The crowd was going crazy. > Mike: They *must* be crazy to have prices so low! >"GO GET 'EM, KEVIN!," Brittany said. > >"I will, Cupcake!," Kevin replied. > >The announcer continued: "And now, ladies and gentlemen, would >you please rise and direct your attention to the fifty yard line >as the band Mystik Spiral will play our National Anthem." > Crow: I guess it's to late to book Lucy Lawless. >Trent and Jesse--along with bassist Nicholas Campbell and drummer >Max Tyler--were all set in mid-field. Tom: [Jesse] Wait. Where's the amps? Crow: [Trent] Oh. Right. I knew there was something we needed. > Jesse began to strum the >guitar, and launched into a Jimi Hendrix-style solo. Tom: Meaning kinda like Hendrix, just not any good. > Trent got >up to the microphone and began to sing: > Mike: o/~ I broke apart my insides, I've got no - o/~ Crow: Wrong Trent. >"Oh, yeah, oh, oh say, oh say, can you see, man/By the dawn's >early light/ Mike: Hey, it's morning already. The game must be over. Tom: Good. > What so proudly we hailed/At the twilight's last >gleaming." > >Trent then gave a jagged guitar lick, Tom: Which cut his tongue to ribbons. Mike: Ew. And he did it in front of the children too! > with Jesse and Nicholas >keeping in tempo; Trent continued: > >"Yeah, whose broad stripes and bright stars/Through the perilous >fight (another screeching guitar lick from Jesse) Tom: [Jesse] Trent, you don't have to say that part. I'm sort of doing it. > /O'er the >ramparts we watched/Were so gallantly streaming." > Mike: [sighing] "The Star Spangled Banner". Tom: Yes! It's being sung right now. Crow: By Mystik Spiral, in fact. >The guitars went into overdrive, with Max pounding the drums >furiously. > Crow: But it didn't do any good. >"And the rocket's red glare," shrieked Trent > Mike: [Trent] o/~ Caused severe corneal damage! o/~ >Trent suddenly gave a note-for-note rendition of Hendrix's guitar >burst at that point of the song, except this went on for five >minutes. > Crow: Well then it can't be note-for-note, can it? Tom: Well, if he did it really *slow*- *LIKE EVERY OTHER PART OF THIS FRIGGIN' STORY!* >"The bombs bursting in air," continued Trent. > Tom: Hopefully on top of these guys. Mike: No such luck, [bitterly] thanks to Ami. Crow: Oh, thanks, Ami. >Another five minute guitar attack. > Mike: And people in the stands are just keeling over after standing up straight for so long. >After that, Trent sang, "Gave proof through the night/That our >flag was still there." > Tom: Oh wait! That's a fat guy's pants. It just looked like a flag. >Suddenly, Jesse began to strum the opening bars of "Chopin's >Funeral March." > Crow: At this point, Francis Scott Key must be doing 80,000 rpm. >Trent went into his big finish: "Oh, oh, oh say does that star >spangled banner yet wave." > Tom: [quickly] Yeah, yeah, o'er the land of the free and the home of *GOODBYE*! >Another long screeching note from Jesse. > Crow: In this note, Jesse complained about his ex-girlfriend and how those pesky cops just wouldn't leave him alone... >"O'er the land of the free. . .," Trent sand, and held the last >note for a few seconds. > Mike: Windshields begin to shatter in the parking lot... >Trent gave a long, screeching note on his guitar. > Crow: [Trent] This one's for the Man and how he's always keeping us down! Tom: [hopping in his seat] *AND THE HOME OF THE FRIGGIN' BRAVE, YOU INSUFFERABLE WEDDING BAND REJECTS!* Mike: *SING IT!* Tom: *END!* Crow: I don't know, guys. I'm actually starting to really dig this. >Trent finished with, "And the home of the brave." > Mike: That's Turner Field, actually. >All of a sudden, Trent and Jesse both crashed into a loud guitar >crescendo: "DUH, DUH, DUH, DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUH," Crow: Yes, "Duh!" The expression that encapsulates their musical talents perfectly! Tom: Buy "Duh!", where you work or bank! >while at the same time Trent sang, "America! Mike: o/~ They rode through a desert on a horse with no name! o/~ > America! Crow: o/~ Eye to Eye! Station to Station! o/~ > America! Tom: o/~ TODAY! o/~ >Land of the free, baby!" After that, Max ended the song by >banging twice a gong that had "A J. Arthur Rank Enterprise" >written on it. Mike: Get it on. Crow: "Rank Enterprise"? Tom: Thank heavens for truth in labeling laws! > After that, Trent flashed a peace sign, and said >"Peace, dudes!" > Tom: [Trent] If you can't be with the one you love, screw'em! Mike: You know, rock concerts lose something when they're converted into text. >At first, everyone just stood there in stone cold silence. Crow: Well sure. Wouldn't you? Mike: And now that the musical interlude is over, let's get back to "Misery Wham-Bang Neo-Spam Kaboodle"! > Jane >then began to clap. Tom: And then stopped under the withering glare of the rest of the crowd. > Slowly, everyone else began to clap as well. Crow: If they really, really believe, then maybe that didn't just happen. >Trent took a bow, as did the other members of Mystik Spiral. Tom: So, Jesse and Max are just 'the others' now? Crow: I heard Trent was gonna change his name to =Þ, but you can just call him the Artist Formerly Known as Trent. >They left the field, with the applause still ringing through the >stadium. Crow: [Spinal Tap] Good night, Poughkepsie! There will be no encores! > Ms. Li smiled to herself and thought that this was >$1000 well spent. > Tom: Then the nurse took Ms. Li back to her room and gave her Play-Doh to keep her happy. >There was a pause as the musical equipment was being cleared off >the field. Crow: With a bulldozer, if there's any justice. Mike: OK! Now, The Dirty Pair are going to lead us in a three- hour version of "The Pledge of Allegiance"! Give'em a hand! > Soon, both teams took to the field. Tom: Pshew! Thank god, the game's finally gonna start... > The captains for >each team were huddled around the referee for the coin toss. > All: [cry, clutch heads] NO-HO-HO! Tom: I don't *care* about the stupid coin toss! I barely care about the game! Crow: I'm surprised we didn't get a two-hour pre-game show with Bum Phillips and Jerry Glanville! >"Mr. Mackenzie," the referee said, "As captain for the home team, >you will call the toss. Mike: [Ref] And remember, do it slowly! We need to pad out the story a bit! > This coin I have is a real, honest-to- >goodness replica of the infamous Batman villain Two-Face's lucky >two-faced coin; a double-obverse 1922 Peace Dollar. [All groan] Tom: That's right, just drag stuff in willy-nilly! Mike: Poor Batman - first Joel Schumaker, now this! Crow: So the losing team gets acid thrown in their faces? > You will >either call 'Good side up!' or 'Scarred side up!' Do you >understand?" > Mike: I know I don't understand. Crow: I'm still hung up on that whole shark eating a 6 foot block of frozen terrorist thing. >"Why is that coin being used?," was all that Mack said. > Tom: 'Cause Batman's da bomb! >"Don't sweat it son," the referee said, "this coin was donated by >one of the sponsors of the Lawndale football team, Lawndale >Comics and Anime on Sugarbush Avenue in the middle of downtown >Lawndale." Crow: Well, at least it explains why the official Lawndale Lions Football Uniform is a fuku. > Since he was wired to a mike, everyone could hear >him. "Don't forget everyone, go there now for the big 'Sailor >Moon' fan subbed video sale! Tom: If the Sailor Senshi actually exist, why would there even *be* a "Sailor Moon" cartoon, subbed *or* dubbed? Mike: Maybe there it's like one of those horrid real life cartoons, like the old Harlem Globetrotters show, or Hammerman. Tom: Thanks, Nelson - you just gave a perfect definition of "Hell On Earth"! > All episodes ten percent off! Mike: You could go ninety and we *still* wouldn't buy it! > And >we'll give you an extra thirty percent off on the infamous >episode where Sailor Jupiter brags about the size of her breasts >if you can correctly guess her bra size!" > [All growl and grumble.] Mike: Oh, geez! I'm feeling queasy now. Tom: Mike? Can we go back and save Akbar? Crow: Yeah, he may have yelled a lot, but I've grown real enamored of his goal! >"Ms. Li set you up to this as one of her money making schemes, >didn't she?," Mack asked. > Mike: Duh. Tom: Ms. Li owns the anime store? >"It only gets worse, son," the referee continued. "The stadium >is now being called Surge Cola Stadium!" > Crow: EXTREEEEEMMME PRODUCT PLACEMENT!!!!!!! >Mack groaned. "All right, already!," he said resignedly; "I'll >call 'Good side up.'" > Tom: Ooh, foreshadowing. >The referee flipped the coin, and it landed good side up. > Mike: That means they have to leave all the jewels, because they didn't plan for it. >"Good side up," the referee said; "Your team wins the toss. Do >you wish to kick or receive? > Crow: We *wish* we were in a better story, but since that's not an option... >"We'll receive," replied Mack. > >"OK," said the referee; "good luck, gentlemen." > Tom: Break a leg! Preferably Kevin's, if you catch my threat. >Mack turned to Kevin and said, "Ms. Li has gone too far in >selling out our school!" > Tom: They should have realized that when she sold ad space for "Fat Harry's Adult Entertainment Lounge" on the players' uniforms. Mike: [Kevin] Hey! Some of us have a game to blow, OK? Concentrate. Crow: This moral judgment brought to you by Budweiser! The King of Beers! Full-bodied. Rich-tasting. Better than you in every way! >Highland kicked off the ball to open the game. Mack grabbed the >ball, but only got as far as the twelve yard line before he was >tackled. > Tom: Any Given Saturday. Crow: This high-school tackle brought to you by Budweiser! Every bit as full-bodied and rich tasting as it was fifteen seconds ago! >Kevin, Mack and the others now huddled around for the first play. > Tom: [Kevin] Ok, let's try the Statue of Liberty play! Mack, put on your gown! Crow: This huddle brought to you by Bud-! Mike: Crow? No. No more. >"Mack," Kevin said, "you fake out toward the right and go for the >long pass!" > Tom: [Mack] Saaaaay... Crow: [Kevin] Not with the cheerleaders, you nit! >"That's probably where they would expect us to try!," responded >Mack. > Mike: Mike Mackenzie: Psychic Football player. Tom: [Mack] They've probably dug defensive positions and have snipers waiting to pick us off one by one! >"Hey, it'll work, trust me!," reassured Kevin. > Mike: Every time he says that, the players all start twitching. >They broke huddle and then Kevin called the play. Mack faked >right and then zoomed to the left. Crow: Experts call this a "zigzag." > Kevin tried to make the pass, >but then two hulking Highland tackles lunged right for him, >forcing Kevin to retreat past his own goal line. Mike: [Kevin, whiny flashback] No! Not the belt daddy! I'll be a good little quarterback daddy! I'll make you proud daddy just *not the belt again daddy!* > In desperation >he tired to make the pass, but then he was tackled for the >safety. > Mike: The New England Patriots immediately signed Kevin up for a 10 year contract. Tom: [Kevin, dazed] Whoa. That went better than I expected, actually. >"And Highland grabs an early 2-0 lead by making a safety!," said >the PA announcer. > Crow: And believe us, with Kevin unconscious, we can't get much safer than that! >Brittany looked on and got disappointed. But then she got the >cheerleaders going on one of their best cheers: > Crow: [Brittany] Um, yay team? >"C'mon, Lawndale, roar, roar, roar! C'mon, Lawndale, roar, roar, >roar!" > Mike: The sad thing is that really *is* one of their best cheers? Tom: Their second best is: Lawndale! Lawndale! What the hell's your problem? >Meanwhile, Quinn and the other members of the Fashion Club were >selling their goodies. Tom: Woah! Crow: The action suddenly switches to Pre-Guiliani Times Square. > Unfortunately, when they passed by Beavis >and Butt-Head, those two acted up again. > Mike: Acting Up: America's Youth in Decline. Crow: [Butthead] Um... now is like, the winter of our discontent, or something? >"Uh, do you want to score with Beavis and me?," Butt-Head asked >Sandi. > Mike: So Sandi tackled Butthead in his own endzone for a safety. >"Like, get away from me!," shrieked Sandi. > >"Hey, here comes Diarrhea's sister! Let's hit up on her again!," >Beavis said. > Mike: [Butthead] First let us check the bulletin board, for the many social events she might be interested in attending with us! >Quinn saw those two coming. > Crow: Not saying a word. Nope. >"If you even think of harassing me," she said, "I'll have Jane >beat up the both of you into a bloody pulp!" > Mike: [Quinn] Which I will then use to make bloody paper. Tom: I doubt those two think much about anything, really. >"Did you hear that, Beavis," Butt-Head said, "she wants to make >up popes!" > Mike: Bloody Pope! Quentin Tarantino's devastating look at the Vatican Bank, and its unholy collection policies! >"Will I get to wear that funny pointed hat and all that?," asked >Beavis. > Mike: In further news, the Vatican announced the excommunication of a Mr. Peter W. Guerin today. >"I said, 'PULP,' not 'POPE!,'", shrieked Quinn. > Tom: Oh, now the whole joke makes sense! >"Hey, Butt-Head," Beavis said, "Do you ever noticed the >similarities between Quinn and that chick Gabrielle from 'Xena: >Warrior Princess'?" > Mike: I must say, Guerin has masterfully reproduced Beavis's infatuation with five-syllable words. >"Yeah," replied Butt-Head, "they're both dirty blondes, they both >have bare midriffs and they both have big hooters!" > Tom: Gabrielle had a secretary named "Daria", while Quinn has a secretary named "Xena". Crow: Actually, that's a fairly lucid piece of dialog coming from these two. >They began their hideous laughter. > Crow: Why are they laughing about big owls? >"Score with us, Quinn!," Beavis said. > >"Yeah, score with us!," added Butt-Head. > Mike: This is her worst nightmare come true. Crow: What a coincidence - it's also mine. >"JAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANE!," screamed Quinn. > Tom: And like a thunderbolt, the new women's magazine, "Jane", appeared in her hands. >Jane was there at a moment's notice. Crow: Wow, she's well trained isn't she? > She got the both of them >and kicked their asses real good. > Mike: Now, here's one time where I wished we *could* have read every single detail of the event. >"Next time, you'll be in the hospital!," Jane warned. > Crow: Is assaulting them in the hospital such a good idea? I mean, they've got security guards there and all... >Beavis and Butt-Head were bruised up. > Tom: I'm starting to feel that this scene is flawed up. >"Hey, Butt-Head, does it hurt?," Beavis wanted to know. > Mike: To love, and not be loved? Yes, Beavis. That hurts very much. >"Only when I laugh, Beavis," replied Butt-Head; he began to >laugh, then began to howl, "OWWWWWWW!" > Tom: o/~ Werewolves of Lawndale... o/~ Mike: Okay, I think we've taken the whole "Werewolves of..." thing as far as we can. >While all that was going on, Highland scored a touchdown; with >the two-point conversion, the score was now 10-0 in their favor. > Tom: Actually, it's almost as exciting as any given Superbowl. Crow: Now, back to Pat and John! >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- > Mike: Hi, everybody, I'm Pat Summerall, we return you now to "Misogyny Cokehead Hillbilly Fiasco!" >Meanwhile, the JAL plane was now pretty close to Lawndale. Ami >has just closed the emergency door and made her way to the >cockpit. Crow: She found George Kennedy there, chomping his cigar! > She was hoping to contact the nearest airport, Mike: Failing that, she decided to call "Loveline." Maybe Dr. Drew would be able to help... > but then >she noticed that after Akbar told the press about his hijacking >the plane, he had also shot out the radio. Crow: Meaning that she won't be able to hear her name when Country 104, home of the boot-scooting best music, calls it. > This was only going >to make the task of getting the plane down safely that much more >difficult. But she noticed an even bigger concern: Tom: She had a run in her hose. > the plane >was critically low on fuel. > Tom: Well then when it runs out it'll stop crashing! Like the Bugs Bunny/Gremlin cartoon! Mike: Wesley would have made fuel out of the stewardess' blouse. Crow: JAL: Deathflight. >Ami raced out of the cockpit and got to the flight attendant, who >was now topless since the force of the air rushing in from the >emergency door ripped off what was left of her bra. > Crow: Oh, it's one of *those* scenes, heh heh heh... Tom: Now wrestle! C'mon, dammit, wrestle! >"Miss, you've got to tell the passengers to prepare for an >emergency landing!," Ami said. > Mike: [stewardess] Well, which of the corpses would you like me to strap in first? >"We're going to crash, aren't we?," the flight attendant asked. > Crow: [Ami] Well, we're going to smash into the ground with great force then explode into a ball of fire. Yeah, I guess you could call that a crash. >"Perhaps we will," said Ami, "but right now we don't have many >options left. Our fuel is almost exhausted." > Tom: And the plot's been on "empty" for quite a while now. >On that note, the flight attendant instructed everyone to prepare >for a emergency crash landing. Tom: But all the men on board were hypnotized by her bared bosom, so they all died on impact. Mike: And they all quietly accepted their fate, huh? Crow: Japanese, Mike. Mike: Oh right. I guess they did. > Ami then grabbed a piece of >carry-on luggage she had and gave the flight attendant a blouse >of hers to wear ; Tom: Most superheroes would make this your "C" priority, but Ami knows how to accessorize! > luckily, they had the same blouse size, though >they didn't have the same bra size. > Crow: And if Ami guessed it, she'd have 30% more runway! >Everyone on board thought that this was going to be the end. > Mike: It's the end and they're comparing bra sizes? Hoo, boy... >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- > Tom: But enough about that! Let's go *here*! >As was custom in Japan, the funeral was conducted by Buddhist >rites; Mike: [Eastwood] What about the rites for that little girl? > almost all of them were, since there are few Christians in >the nation, and Shinto took a rather dim view of the afterlife. > Crow: They believe that everyone comes back as pickles. >The Buddhist monk officiating the ceremonies was a friend of >Rei's grandfather; at one time he was himself a Shinto priest. > Crow: But he got traded to the Buddhists for a second-round draft pick. >"We mourn for the death of this great man," began the monk; "but >we must remember that now he goes to be with Buddha in Nirvana, >to a far greater place than this troublesome world. Tom: Yeah, because in Buddhism, as soon as you die, you go straight to Nirvana. All that reincarnation crap's just propaganda to scare away the Americans. > His death >was utterly meaningless, Tom: Just like his life. Mike: Hey, play nice now. > but he will now find the ultimate >meaning to life, the Universe, and everything. Mike: Been there. Tom: Done that. Crow: In a five book trilogy, no less. > Farewell, my >brother in the faith." > Crow: And thanks for all the fish. >He then scattered flower petals into the grave, followed by all >those in attendance. Mike: Aaaah! He's gone mad! He's stuffing everyone in! Tom: Wow! Buddhist funerals *rock*, man! > All of the Sailor Senshi and Daria were >present. Except for Rei, they were wearing the usual Western >black mourning clothes; Crow: Wow. I guess mourning really has broken! > Rei was wearing her miko's outfit. Tom: Rei's the rebellious Senshi. > She >laid into the grave besides petals one of her "demon banishment >scrolls". Crow: That's to keep him from becoming a Deadite. Mike: Ohhh.... > Daria didn't have a simple black dress to wear and had >to buy one from a store in the Ginza; Mike: It came free with a set of six steak knives! > it was one of those drop- >dead minidresses and she was also suckered into buying a pair of >those dark brown stockings that seem to go well with such a dress >and a pair of high heels. Tom: So Daria uses a funeral as an excuse to come out of her shell. Somehow, I'm not surprised. Crow: Ah. She was "suckered" into looking sexy. Mike: Yes, Guerin had nothing to do with it. Daria was just "naïve". > Already they were murder on her feet. >"Whoever invented high heel shoes must have been a guy;" she >began to say; "he should have been strung up the nearest tree." > Mike: Wait, that's two different thoughts entirely. Tom: I smell smoke, it's time for lunch, look at the street.. Crow: And the attempt to write in the female voice fails miserably. >Rei, after she left the grave, collapsed into tear; Crow: Hey, when did this become the Wheel of Time? Tom: Wrong Tear, Crow. > Usagi and >Mamoru both hugged her. Tom: Saaay... > Daria stood by and watched. > Tom: Daria likes to watch? Saaaay... Mike: Stop that. >"I've lost everything that gave meaning to my life: my >grandfather, the shrine, ,my peace of mind!" > Crow: [Rei] My bookmark! My web connection! My sense of rhythm! >"You still have Yuuichirou and your crows," Usagi replied, Crow: Hey, don't drag me into this! Mike: Some things you just don't realize how dumb they sound 'til you've said'em. > "and >you still have us." > Tom: Oh, *that's* reassuring. Crow: [Rei] So I've noticed! Don't you have crime to fight? >"You can stay with me until they rebuild the shrine," Mamoru >offered. > >Rei cried bitterly. Mike: [Rei] I don't wanna stay with him! His clothes all suck! > Suddenly, Tom: The premise changed and... > she left their embrace, grabbed a >samurai sword that was hidden beneath her hakama Crow: Oh no! It *is* a Highlander Crossover! > and looked like >she was going to commit seppuku; Tom: [to "Sha-boopie"]: o/~ Seppuku! Seppuku! o/~ Crow & Mike: o/~ The girl is off her gourd! o/~ > women usually did that by >stabbing the sword through the throat, and not by slitting the >belly like men did. > All: WHOA! Tom: Pete, baby, we were happy in the Mall of Ignorance there! You didn't have to show us the Food Court of Blood and Entrails! >"REI, NO!", everyone shouted. > Crow: Not our collectible Sailor Moon blue jeans! Tom: Nooooo! >"No, I will not commit seppuku. Tom: [to "Sha-boopie"] o/~ Seppuku! Seppuku! o/~ Crow & Mike: o/~ Just stay clear of that sword! o/~ > However, I call upon Amaterasu- >Omikami herself to witness my vows. Mike: [Amaterasu-Omikami] I'm kinda busy here, okay?!? Crow: Instead of bugging Daihatsu-Okeydokey, she should just get a notary public. > I will not rest until the >person responsible for killing my grandfather is finally brought >to justice. Tom: You hear that, Peter Guerin? Crow: Man, with all this not resting, when's she gonna find time to sleep? > Either this blade will go through the heinous >person's heart, or it will go through my own throat. Tom: [Rei] Or I'll feel bad for a few days and pig out on Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough ice cream, probably. > I will >avenge your death, Grandpa, and I know you will not rest until I >have done so! Crow: [Grandpa] Look, I'm old and I'm dead, I need my sleep! > I have sworn!" > Mike: [Rei] I will not rest until I have sworn! Oh. Guess I did. >Everyone left the cemetery chilled to the bones. Mike: Maybe they should have stayed home during the blizzard. > Somehow, Daria >had this mental image in her head of a hand emerging from a pool >of blood, setting out letters that spelled out the word "CHILLER" >and then sinking back into the pool of blood while an eerie voice >said "CHILLER!" Somehow this seemed sickeningly appropriate. > Tom: Ummmmmmmmm... Mike: Daria needs some kind of counseling desperately. Crow: Why? Just because she's thirsty for the refreshing taste of an ice-cold blood-flavored Chiller? [Pause] Tom: Keep him away from me, Nelson! >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- > >Everyone had gone to Mamoru's apartment for the post-funeral >reception. Mike: [Usagi] Mamoru, I don't think hiring a deejay was such a good idea... Tom: [Mamoru] Oh, it'll be fine, Usagi! Mike: [Usagi] He's playing "Disco Inferno"! Tom: [Mamoru] Well, somehow it seemed sickeningly appropriate. > Rei didn't have any other living relatives other than >her estranged father, who she hadn't spoken to in years. Crow: The deejay segues into "Burning Down the House"... Tom: He's got "You Dropped a Bomb On Me" cued up... Mike: Hendrix doin' "Let Me Stand Next To Your Fire"... > She >left him because she held him responsible for the death of her >mother; Tom: *What* smoking gun? Oh, *that* smoking gun! > they were driving back from a party and he was drunk; >they crashed into a tree, killing her instantly. Mike: So Rei's dead? Tom: Her mother's dead. Apparently she was in tree when Rei and her dad crashed into it. Crow: Rei has a real Jenna Elfman lighter-than-air quality about her. Tom: Oh yes! A bubbly effervescence that's simply infectious! > It was after >that incident that Rei left him and went to Sendai Hill Shrine, >ran by her now late maternal grandfather. There were some old >friends of his and some students that Rei recognized from her >junior high school days. Mike: Her grandfather's friends went to junior high with her? Crow: And wasn't it an all-girl's school? > Then there were everyone else's friends >and family. Mike: Mine too? > Kenji, Usagi's father, went up to Rei. > >"I am so sorry about what happened," Kenji said. > Tom: [Kenji] The way your grandfather was cooked alive, his flesh searing to the bone, knowing all he could do was pray his death would be quick. My deepest sympathies! >"Grandpa was such a beloved man," answered Rei. "He will be >sorely missed." > Crow: [Rei] Elton John's dedicating a song to him. Mike: [Kenji] Did he happen to tell you where the keys to the liquor cabinet were? >Kenji then recognized Daria. > Mike: And he granted her five minutes to speak on the issue. >"There you are, Daria, he said; "I didn't notice you without the >combat fatigues you usually wear. Tom: [sarcasm] Oh, and anime characters change clothes every episode. Get bent! Crow: [Kenji] Also we haven't met, but still I am shamed by my rudeness! > I have to admit with that >dress on, you almost look human." > Mike: It's the arrival of Senor Smooth! Crow: [Daria] That's OK. I didn't see you because my eyes are overly sensitive to tactless louts. >"Frankly, formal wear like this isn't my style," Daria answered >him; Crow: [Daria] I'm more of a nudist actually. > "I once wore this bare-shouldered dress to a wedding since I >was going to be the bridesmaid, and I didn't like it." > Tom: And like a shaft of light descending from the heavens, Daria realizes the shallowness of her pursuit of art and poetry, and rededicates her life to fashion! >Kenji said, "Actually, I thought you were more the person who >likes to wear slacks or combat pants, but you always wear that >same drab olive jacket, orange shirt, black knee-length skirt and >combat boots."; Crow: [Kenji] Is that all I have written down here? Yep. Tom: It's Sailor Mr. Blackwell. Mike: You know, if Guerin had written Moby Dick, it would have gone, "Call me Ishmael. I'm wearing a smart blue coat with shiny gold buttons, workman's pants that are rugged yet flattering..." Crow: Don't be ridiculous, Mike! No way he doesn't start with hair color. > Kenji had seen Daria a couple of times since she >came over, mainly when she stopped by Usagi's house for dinner a >couple of times. > Tom: So, we're pretending we have continuity now? >"OK, OK, I'll let you in on a little secret," confessed Daria; Mike: The animators can't afford to draw any more clothes for me. >"I've actually got better-looking legs that my sister, Quinn, Crow: Who you've seen a couple of times via her fee-for-service web-cam... > but >don't tell her about it because then she'll probably steal every >skirt I own." > Tom: "Dog Day Afternoon 2: This Time It's Skirts" >"What about your sister, anyway?," Kenji wanted to know. > Tom: What about that sentence, Tom wanted to know. >"She's the vice-president of my hometown high school's Fashion >Club," began Daria. "She kind of looks like Gabrielle from >'Xena: Warrior Princess' Crow: If you close your eyes and have a surgeon remove the reasoning centers of your brain. Tom: Oh, god, he just implied Daria thinks like Beavis and Butthead! That's worse than a racial epithet or saying she eats dung! > because she likes to wear shirts that >leave her midriff bare and also has almost the same hair color >and hairstyle. Mike: When you start drawing parallels between Beavis and Butthead *and* Daria, it's time to rethink your strategy. > She's a complete airhead." Tom: By Thomas Dolby. > With that, Daria >broke into a rare smile. Mike: [Daria] I suddenly feel a lot better about myself! > Somehow, with Usagi's parents, she felt >at ease with them, because at least they knew what they were >doing. Crow: Granted, we have no evidence of this, but let's just run with this hypothesis. Tom: A huge change from the whole 'lazy bastard' scene, huh? > Back home, her father was so wishy-washy and her mother >was so domineering. > Tom: Put 'em together and you get...ew, that's gross. Never mind. >Ikuko joined her husband. > Crow: And together they formed MechaParent! >"There you are, dear," she said. Crow: [Ikuko] You'd better go help Rei. The funeral home's trying to charge her for cremation, and if ever there was a superfluous charge, this is it. > "You should try this clam dip; >I hear that Mamoru made this himself and it's pretty good." > Tom: It's got a little bit of grandpa in it, for that extra personal touch! >"Later, dear," Kenji said. > Crow: Go have another drink, dear. >Daria took a good look at herself in a nearby mirror. Mike: [Daria] Hm. Ever since I became a Sailor Scout, I stopped casting a reflection. Weird. > She had to >admit that she didn't ever look as beautiful as she did now. Crow: Yes, she *had* to. Admit it! C'mon, *admit it*! >What she really wanted to do was to fantasize how'd she look like >in one of those armored bikinis like some of those heroines she >had been seeing in anime since she came over. Tom: And the recognizable established character traits quickly fall to zero. Crow: "Daria" wanted to fantasize. Mike: Yes. Crow: Not anyone else. Mike: No, that would be an invalid assumption based on little or no evidence. > The day after she >arrived here, Ami and she watched "Leda: The Fantastic Adventure >of Yohko" on video, Tom: Between the hours of intensive training and schooling and MechaNegaVerse crime fighting, of course. > and Daria thought that Yohko's outfit was >rather cool, if a bit sexist. Tom: And these *were* Daria's thoughts, after all. Mike: Yes they were. Because if they were anyone else's thoughts, they'd just come right out and say so. Tom: Right. > That was the type of outfit she >wished she wore, and not that frumpy seirafuku she had now as >Sailor Mercury. Crow: It's so brave of Daria to be up front with her fantasies like this! Mike: Sure. It would be very easy for her to, say, write a bad fanfic in which she projects her fantasies onto some other character. Tom: Oh come on, Mike! No one would do that! > Ami said that "Leda" was one of her favorite >anime of all time, and admitted that she was an "otaku", or fan >of anime herself. Crow: I thought Otaku was that office supply store. Mike: I thought it was an acronym for "Oh, this anime's killing us"! Tom: It's "Daria", and "Ami", caught in the act of being themselves! > She thought back to what they were doing after >they saw the film. Tom: It's not what I think it is, is it? > They were in their bedclothes, Crow: Wrestling for the Master's pleasure. > and were >gossiping in Ami's room. > Mike: Did we just flashback from a flashback? >"'I really like Yohko, she's a woman who's true to herself Tom: Yeah, but she still can't sing for love or money. >despite the fact that she's an innocent woman trapped in a >situation not of her own making," Ami said. > Crow: Daria *IS* Yohko *AS* Sandra Bullock *IN "The Net 2"! >"Well," Daria replied, "I thought it was a bit derivative of "Red >Sonja" and "Xena", but otherwise it was OK. Tom: And the dialogue is totally ripped from "Barney". > I just wish she >didn't dote on that guy so much. She's got to realize that she >can stand up on her own two feet without any guy's help." > Mike: Charlie the Tuna rides by on a bicycle... >"Are you a feminist?," asked Ami. > Tom: Given the previous fantasies, she's more of an exhibitionist. >"Yes;" replied Daria; "I got it from my mother, as well as my >science teacher, Ms. Barch. Crow: So feminism is contagious? > That last person is a real hoot. I >swear every time in class, she says that 'All men are scum!'" > Mike: [Barch] Except for that dreamy Matt Damon. He understands me. I just know it! >Ami got a good laugh over that. > Crow: [Ami] Please. Matt belongs to *me*. Heart and soul. >"What's so funny?," Daria wanted to know. > Crow: [Ami] The word "scum". It's too pedantic to be an effective slur! >"It's just that your science teacher seems to write off men so >easily," replied Ami. "In Japan there's really no such problems >like that." > Mike: The Stepford Senshi. Tom: Anybody got an oyster knife we can use to pry the meaning out of that sentence? >"Really, then why are women still treated the way they are?," >demanded Daria. > Mike: [Ami] Err... Crow: Ami? A word of advice? Bots: o/~ Blame Canada! Blame Canada! o/~ Mike: Guys! We don't need to annoy the MPAA, do we? >Ami responded, "Oh, I guess you keep hearing the reports about >how men are so aloof and treat women like property. Crow: [Ami] While they will occasionally be traded for two railroads and Park Place, that's more an exception than the rule! > But did you >know how much power real Japanese housewives have?" > >"How much?," asked Daria. > Mike: [Ami] None. Just like in the good ol' US of A. >"Enough to make any grown man cry in his sake!," giggled Ami. > Tom: o/~ I had some dreams, they were clouds in my sake... clouds in my sake, and... You're So Vain! o/~ >Somehow, after the description that Ami gave about how wives made >men stick to a little stipend from their salaries and controlled >many aspects of their children's education, Crow: After this, Daria made a point to avoid contact with the odd little uberchild who lived in a dreamworld far, far away from reality! > Daria broke into the >biggest smile she ever had. Crow: The thought of making men cry seems to do that to her. Tom: Sadism! Fun for the kids! > But then she asked if that was the >case, them why become a doctor. > Crow: Well, the golfing, of course. What a stupid question! >"My mother's a doctor," began Ami, "and her father before that. Mike: Before that, the family sold ice cream, which is a lot like being a doctor. >She told me how Grandpa was a doctor tending to the wounded >during the war. Crow: Which is odd, as he was trained as a mechanic. Tom: [gramps] Now, corporal, the bullet's scratched your heart, so we're going to try replacing it with this carburetor from my old jeep parked out back. > It was pretty brutal business, especially toward >the end. Mike: [gramps] Oh, I'm so sorry the carburetor to your plane died. Perhaps one of my patients' hearts will work! > After the war, he set up a private practice, and >encouraged my mother to take up the practice, Crow: So she changed her name to Camryn Mannheim. > since she was an >only child and someone had to carry on the business. Crow: Since we live on in the work we do, not through love or charity or anything. > At first >she was hesitant, but then she met one person who changed her >life." > >"Who?," Daria wanted to know. > Tom: John Saxon? >Ami's answer was surprising: > Mike: Otis Spunkmeyer? Crow: George Lucas? Tom: Clayton Moore. Mom was always a big "Lone Ranger" fan. >"Dr. Tezuka Osamu. I guess you know him from his works 'Tetsuwan >Atom' and 'Jungle Taitei'". > Mike: Oh, and he was the fifth Beatle too, until he and Ringo had a fight over a groupie. >"You mean to tell me that the man who created 'Astro Boy' and >'Kimba the White Lion' was a doctor?" > Tom: He's a doctor, not a cartoonist! >"Yes," Ami continued, "and he told my mother that there was no >nobler profession than that of helping your fellow man in his >time of need. Tom: So cartoonists are noble, selfless individuals who strive for the betterment of mankind? Crow: So why didn't Charles Schulz ever win the Nobel? Mike: I think they mean doctors, guys. Crow: Feh! What did a doctor ever do for us? Mike: You're metal. You don't need a doctor! Tom: Our point exactly. > My mother then decided that being a doctor was a >worthwhile goal." > Tom: Cartoonists can be very persuasive. >"I'm impressed, "said a very impressed Daria; she was not one who >was easily impressed. > Mike: I get the impression that she was impressed. Tom: Impressive reasoning there, Mike. I'm impressed. Crow: Again, subtle clues convey the fact that Daria is, indeed, impressed. >"My father, who's an artist, also thinks I should pursue an >artistic career on the side," continued Ami. > Tom: [Ami] Thus my drinking binges and heroin addiction. >"If you ever visit Lawndale," Daria said, "you should check out >my friend Jane Lane; Mike: [Daria] She's hotter than that painter chick in the Levi's ads! [growl] > she's an aspiring artist. Hell, her whole >family is. Except her brother, Trent; he's a rock musician." > Mike: [Daria] He's sold his artistic integrity to the hacks at Atlantic Records. >"Daria," Ami asked, "you looked a bit embarrassed when you >mentioned him. Are you in love with him?" > Crow: Or are you in love with the idea of *being* in love with him? >"I'll admit that I am," confessed Daria. Tom: C'mon, she won't even admit that to *Jane*, for crying out loud! > "It's kind of like the >situation with Usagi and Mamoru. Mike: Or Starsky and Hutch. > I just can't seem to get the >words out, like he knows that I'm there, but he just doesn't seem >to know." > Crow: If she breaks into a ballad, I'm outta here. >"Does he call you 'Dumpling-Head' at times?," inquired Ami. > [All snicker.] Crow: Ami, sometimes the parallels aren't that direct. >"No, nothing insulting like that," said Daria. "Hell, he doesn't >have an insulting bone in his body. Tom: Yeah, his sister got them all. > He's just a bit spacey, Mike: [Daria] In fact, he won an Oscar for "American Beauty." >that's the major flaw in his character." > Tom: [Daria] Plus he's Keyzer Soze, so he's into that creepy Czech "rule by terror" thing. >Ami got a good laugh over that. > Crow: [Ami] Oh, to think being like Kevin Spacey is a flaw! >"You know, Daria, you're different," replied Ami; Crow: [Joel] And that results in creativity. > "You're really >honest about yourself and about other people." > Mike: A little too honest at times. >"Well, I like to tell it like it is," said Daria. > >Ami then added, "Daria, one of these days I will visit Lawndale >and see all your friends and family." > Mike: [Ami] As I grind them under my heel and establish the beach head for the Japanese invasion fleet. Crow: Great! *More* foreshadowing. >"I guarantee you won't have a dull moment there," assured Daria. > Crow: [Daria] We just got a new TCBY in the Galleria! >Daria's train of thought was interrupted when someone turned on >the TV. Mike: Which, the flashback train of thought, or the flashback's flashback train of thought? > The NHK announcer was delivering the nightly news, and >there was one interesting matter: > Tom: Cheese wheel rolls through downtown crushing snack venders! Film at eleven. >"Tokyo-to Governor Nagai Kenji now has a commanding lead over his >opponents in the latest NHK/Yorimuri Shimbun poll. Tom: And with one-quarter of 1% of the returns in, Bill Bradley has conceded defeat. > Nagai, the >Komeito candidate for the empty seat for Tokyo-to in the House of >Representatives, now has a fifty-five percent approval rating as >opposed to his Liberal Democratic, Socialist, Social Democratic >and Communist opponents. Crow: Ha! Take that, ya darn commies! Mike: However, his lead over the "Braless Superheroes With Hooters Out To Here" candidate was within the margin of error. > Nagai's portraying himself as a "law >and order" candidate Tom: He's promising free Jerry Orbach & S. Epatha Merkeson for all! > as well as a reformer seems to have struck a >chord with voters who are gravely concerned over the recent >crises that have seem to hit Japan like a typhoon. Mike: Spokesmen for the opposition stated they were reevaluating "Let Japan Burn, What Do We Care?" as a campaign theme. > As for the >Neo-Zero crisis, NHK will continue to update that situation as >conditions warrant." > Tom: [anchor] And now back to "Two Guys, Five Girls, Three Talking Cats, A Hermaphrodite and a Pizza Place". >The sun was setting now over Tokyo. Daria had a strange feeling >that she wanted to be anywhere else right now than here. Mike: Believe me, we sympathize. > She >excused herself from the reception and went back to Ami's house. >There she decided to go to bed. Crow: She used AutoCad to carefully plan her bedtime procedures, down to the last detail, with elaborate blueprints! > For some strange reason she >decided to wear Ami's football jersey nightshirt. Crow: And the fic takes an unexpected turn as one of the girls decides to remain dressed. > As she fell >asleep, a strange dream began to unfold. . . > Tom: The dream is always the same. Instead of going home to her house, she goes to the neighbors.... >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- > >The repairs to the Neo-Zero were taking longer than expected. Mike: What the-?! We set up a dream sequence, and CUT AWAY?! The HELL!? Crow: There is a very different drummer being marched to here. >Yoriko was clearly showing her impatience with the whole affair. > Tom: [Yerko] Now look! You people gave me an estimate of $200! >"I want that engine repaired in the next fifteen minutes or heads >will roll!," Yoriko shrieked. > Mike: Calm down, sweetie. Tokyo will still be there in 15 minutes. Crow: [Yerko] I know! That's what's upsetting me! >Dr. Vander Helffen sensed Yoriko's frustrations and went to her. > Mike: o/~ Let's get it on... o/~ >"All will be ready in good time," he said. > >"Dr. Vander Helffen," Yoriko yelled, "I will not rest until that >traitor Ryu and the Solar Warrior are both dead!" > Crow: [Yoriko] I've stocked up on No-Doz, and I'm having raw coffee beans administered intravenously! Still, I might take a short nap if either one of them is severely beaten. Mike: What is it with all the oaths of sleeplessness around here?! Tom: Boy, Vivarin could make a mint in this country. >"Yoriko, you are beginning to lose sight of the goal," warned Dr. >Vander Helffen. Mike: I question your commitment to blowin' stuff up. > "We are to take over the nation first; later we >will deal with those who have opposed us." > Mike: Conquer the country, *then* deal with opposition. Brilliant! >"That may be your way, but it is not mine!," said Yoriko. "And >you better have more of the 'Hi no Tori' pills for me soon or I >will take matters into my own hands!" Tom: Yerko thinks the carrot and stick approach involves shoving the carrot down your throat. > With that, she stormed out >again. Tom: La nina! Ole! >Dr. Vander Helffen realized that soon he might have to take >matters into his own hands as well. > Mike: Making him no longer the master of his domain. >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- > >Daria had the sensation that the alarm had went off, but she had >just fallen asleep. Tom: Her body clock's still on MTV time. Crow: Yup. She gets up every hour to turn off that damned "Real Slim Shady" video. > She looked at the alarm and realized that >she was running late for school. > >"AAAAAAAA! Mike: Football practice! Crow: Hey, that's my line. Mike: Sorry. > I'm late for school! First day! I'm late!," she >shrieked. > Crow: AAAAAHHH!!!! The story's lapping itself! >Then, it seemed that she took off her nightshirt and ran for the >closet--wearing nothing but her panties--to grab a bra. Crow: Mike? Do women generally keep bras in the closet? Mike: Well, no. Generally they keep them in dresser drawers. Tom: Gee, Crow. Everyone knows that. Crow: Uh-huh. And exactly how many women have been on the SoL so that I could learn that? Hmm? > But when >she got to the closet, she fell through it and was falling deep, >deep, into a hole. Crow: [white rabbit] Oh, my ears and whiskers! I'm late for the Mad Hatter's dream sequence! Tom: [same] I run, and then I hop hop hop! I wish that I could fly! > When she landed, it looked like she was in >the middle of a bombed-out area. > Mike: Newark? >"Great," said Daria in her usual deadpan manner; "here I am >virtually naked, Crow: Yeah, we all knew that was how the virtual-reality craze would end. > everyone can see how small-breasted I am, Tom: [shivering] Make him stop, you guys! > and >I'm in the middle of a war zone.. Mike: She repeats the scene set-up! o/~ La-la, LA-la la! o/~ > Right now, I bet some Huns are >going to swoop out of nowhere and grab me." > Tom: Huns? >Just as she said, some Huns swooped out of nowhere and grabbed >her. Tom: Swooping Huns? Mike? Mike: Hell. I've stopped fighting. Just go with it. Crow: Michael Cimino's "Road Warrior". > but just then, someone was standing in their path. > All: Allen Keyes?!? >"Ne'er-do-well'ers!," the man said, [All cackle. Mike puts his head in his hands, shaking it.] > "I am the Solar Warrior, >servant to Amaterasu-Omakami, Goddess of the Sun! Mike: What is it about serving the sun that makes people talk like somebody's senile Aunt Hortense? Crow: [Solar Warrior] Reprobate! You got me menthol! Return to the drug store and get me the right damn cigs! > In the name of >the Sun, you will be judged!" > Tom: I wonder what the appeals process is like for that court. >Then he spread out his hands and the power began to glow in the >discs in each hand. > Tom: [Space Ghost] Taste the wrath of my spank ray, evildoers! >"SOLAR FLARE DISCHARGE ATTACK!," the Solar Warrior yelled. > Crow: Oh, just do it already! Mike: Yeah, stop braying like a gray-haired jackass! >The solar flares streamed from his hands and burned the Huns to a >crisp; Crow: I like my Huns extra crispy, please. Tom: Freakin' *Huns*?!?!? Mike: Yeah, Huns! You know - the blasted Jerries and all that. > Daria, however, was not injured. Tom: Saved by new Tampax! With absorption deflection shields! > The Solar Warrior >approached her. > >"This is kind of a bad time to see me, since I'm naked," Daria >said. > Crow: [Solar] Not from where I'm standin' baby! Hubba hubba! >But the Solar Warrior, it seemed, summoned some solar energy and >dressed her up in a seirafuku. > Tom: Yeah, I'm sure Hammurabi-Kamandi loves being called on for wardrobe purposes. >"Do not be afraid of me, Daria," he said; "I will protect you >from all harm." He seemed to draw closer. Crow: Wow. He must be *real* good at Pictionary. > They were on the >verge of kissing each other. Tom: Not since a damp sponge touched a fish has such passion exploded across the screen! > They kissed, but then Daria was >wrenched awake by someone shaking her shoulder. > Mike: Nonono - *Gentle Pressure*!! Tom: [mournfully] Why don't they look? >"Daria, get up! Crow: Get up, stand up! Stand up for your rights! > We have to go to SDF HQ on the double!," said a >voice. > Tom: I'm trying to work a backgammon reference here, but it's just too dang complicated. >It was Minako, and she looked like she went through Hell herself. Tom: Hell is a woman? Mike: Tell me about it. >She wasn't even in her Sailor Venus seirafuku Crow: [snarky] Oh, nothing but her panties. That's *so* different. > but instead was >wearing a green T-shirt and blue jeans. Tom: The T-shirt seems so out of place in this story. > Her eyes had black bags >under them for lack of sleep, and her hair was a bit disheveled. > Mike: Apparently, looking like a normal person instead of a giggly nymph in a miniskirt means you've been through hell. >"Minako, you interrupted me in the middle of the best dream I've >ever had for this?," said Daria rather groggily > Tom: Daria's best dream is getting a quick kiss while standing naked in a war zone getting attacked by 'Huns'? >"Sorry, but this is urgent!," replied Minako. > Mike: [Minako] The Backstreet Boys are signing autographs with Jon Bon Jovi. C'mon! >"Now I know how Samuel Taylor Colleridge must have felt when that >insurance salesman interrupted him right in the middle of >writing 'Kubla Kahn'," sneered Daria. Crow: Insurance salesman? Didn't Dirk Gentley do that? Tom: Besides, why would you want to write a poem about a guy that Brian Boitano beat up? Mike: This is the Jenga of crossovers! And the whole tower crashed to earth ages ago. > She flung on a black T- >shirt and blue jeans, the same outfit she wore while on her ill- >fated trip to Alternapalooza. Tom: And so, draped in clothing instead of actually wearing it... > Somehow the irony wasn't lost on >her. Mike: It was on us. > It was a weird dream. She never had such intense feelings >for a guy before in her life. Mike: Except for maybe her schoolyard crush on "Plank". Tom: The Solar Warrior she's only met in her dreams. Crow: Who she cares deeply for. > But her heart belonged to Trent, >and she could never tell the Solar Warrior how much she cared for >him. Daria was soon on her way to SDF HQ. > Mike: ASAP, keeping it on the QT. >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- > >The FAA facility near Lawndale International Airport was a pretty >critical facility; its radar could cover a six state area. Mike: Unfortunately, those six states were Tennessee, Alaska, Delaware, Wyoming, Wisconsin and New Mexico. Crow: Damn that Y2K problem! > So >there was concern when an aircraft appeared out of nowhere on the >screen. Crow: So, they're concerned when their radar works? > One of the air traffic controllers immediately spotted >that it was the hijacked JAL flight. > Tom: Which, by my count, has been in the air continuously for about three days now. >"Oh, my god! The hijacker is bringing the JAL plane here!," he >spewed out as soon as he realized where it was going. > Mike: The military had no interest tracking the terrorist's position, but luckily ol' Greg here knows his hazy blobs! >Everyone was now in a state of panic. Mike: Which is *not* one of the six states covered on radar. > The plane was nearing >Lawndale. Since word that the attempt to stop the plane failed >since the task force based in Japan was not dispatched due to the >Neo-Zero hijacking, everyone was shuddering to think where the >plane would eventually wind up in. Crow: I shudder to think of the school system that gave him the skills to write that sentence. Tom: Yeah! I mean, I'm so furious at the thought that the U.S. couldn't defend itself without Japan's help, I can't express my anger at how the sentence makes no sense! > It was heading for Lawndale. Mike: Yes, against all logic and common sense, it was really heading for Lawndale. >Phone calls were made to the White House, the Pentagon and to the >nearest USAF base. Tom: In none of these places was Prince Albert actually in a can. > Hell had come to Lawndale, and it was on >board a Boeing 747. > Tom: Usually Hell rides a really boss Harley. >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- > >Right now, at 25,000 feet, all that Ami could think about was >that fuel was now almost exhausted. Mike: Well, that and that "Meet Virginia" song. > The needle crept up to "E". > Mike: Hey, time for "Talk Soup"! >The flight attendant came into the cockpit. > >"Everyone is ready for an emergency landing," she said. > >Ami then said, "You've got to tell me how I can keep this plane >level enough to make a belly landing." > Crow: [Ami] You work for the airline, so you *must* know how to fly one these things. >"You'll have to grab the stick and keep it level," instructed the >flight attendant; Tom: [Ami] But the stick juts straight up! I'd have to break it! > " But first you'll have to disengage the auto >pilot." > Mike: [Ami] Right! Ahem! Autopilot, I've met someone else. Here's your ring back! >The flight attendant went over to the auto pilot and deactivated >it. Now the needle was right on "E". Mike: Steve Kmetko, Arthelle Neville, help us! > The engines were still >running, but within a few seconds, they began to grind to a halt. Mike: But the fanfic just kept right on going. >Ami could see Lawndale right in front of her, and saw that the >plane was going to head right for a football stadium. Tom: Well here's a thought. *DON'T STEER TOWARD IT!* Crow: And all the plot devices are beginning to reach critical mass. > The plane >began to fall down, Tom: [resentful] Why? Mike: [shrugging] You know. Just 'cause. > nose first, and Ami and the others were >thrown violently toward the front. Ami grabbed the stick and >tried to keep the plane level. Somehow, the plane was fighting >her, though. > Tom: Tyler Alan 747, you go right to your room! Crow: [whiny] Nonononono, I don't wanna! >"If I don't survive this, let the rest of the Sailor Senshi >avenge my death!," said Ami to herself. > Mike: Yes! Let them raze Boeing's factories to the ground until they develop more fuel-efficient passenger planes! >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- > Tom: [announcer] Next week, on "Mississippi SportsNight Nematode or Spackle"! > Things were not going too good for Lawndale; Tom: The Fashion Club hadn't sold a single brownie. > they were now >trailing 24-7. Crow: And the game had been over for ten minutes. > Kevin had just fumbled the ball and was now >getting a good chewing out from Mack. > Mike: [Mack] You are a LAZY and SLOTHFUL quarterback, Kevin Thompson! All: SHA-A-AME! >"Kevin, you idiot, you're giving the game to Highland on a silver >platter!," shrieked Mack. > Tom: [Kevin] Actually, it's a chafing dish. >Kevin shot back, "Give me a break, Mack! I'm under a lot of >pressure!" > Mike: [Kevin] It's pushing down on me! Pushing down on you! No man ask for! >"If we don't win this game," warned Mack, "we might as well write >off any hopes of winning the conference title, and perhaps even >the state playoffs!" > Crow: [Kevin] If we don't win, I hope a plane with a nuclear bomb crashes into the school and kills everyone. >While that was going on, Beavis and Butt-Head made one more >attempt to score on Quinn. > Tom: Wow. Parallel developments. >"Hey, Quinn, let's blow this game! It sucks! Mike: [Beavis] The coach is refusing to use four wide-outs to stretch the defense! > Go back to our >place and let's score!", Beavis said. > Crow: I think Beavis is with the Congressional Budget Office. Tom: [Beavis] Hnh-hnh, yeah. SCORE the budget. That'll RULE! >"If you don't leave me alone, I'm going to do something >drastic!," screamed Quinn. > Mike: [Quinn] Maybe I'll cause a plane to fall outta the air or something! >Just then, everyone heard a loud "WHOOSH!" Crow: Cool! Quinn's learned "the craft"! Mike: It might just be Captain Vacuum Cleaner on his usual patrol. > Suddenly, the JAL 747 >fell out of the sky. Tom: Oh, Y2K caught up with it. > It seemed to be stable, Tom: It came from a two-parent family, no drug or alcohol problems... > but then it was too >close to the stadium; it flew by it, and grazed a set of lights. >The tower fell down. Everyone ran in panic. > Mike: A shot rang out! The woman screamed! A pirate ship loomed over the horizon! Tom: [crowd, panic] Oh no! We were too stupid to run when the danger approached, and now that it's passed we're disoriented! >"WHOA! I think there're filming 'Black Sunday II'!", Butt-Head >said. > Crow: Well, it can't be as bad as "Any Given Sunday"! >"Wait a minute, dillweed! 'Black Sunday' was about a blimp!", >Beavis replied. > Tom: Stop! I refuse to believe that either of them can remember anything about "Black Sunday". These two have no long term memory! Crow: [wailing] And thanks to "Misery Neo-Con Slap and Tickle", neither do I! Mike: Eyes on the prize, guys. Keep riffing. >"No, assmunch!," shot back Butt-Head. "That was 'The >Hindenburger' or something like that!" > Mike: The Hindenburger, new from Jack n' the Box. >"I'll blow up your blimp, asswipe!," warned Beavis. > Mike: I'll blow up your blimp? Crow: Beavis and Luke Cage must have the same dialogue writers. >"Go ahead and try, Beavis!," dared Butt-Head. > Crow: [Beavis] I'll leave your milk out! Tom: [Butthead] I'll over-inflate your tires! Crow: [Beavis] I'll let you operate heavy machinery after taking Contact cold medicine! >They got into a fist fight. Crow: [Beavis] Miscreant! Tom: [Butthead] Ne'er-do-weller! Mike: Hey, you two watch your language! Crow: [penitent] Oh, jeez! Tom: Sorry Mike, I don't know what came over us! > Quinn tried to get away but those >two saw her go, then broke off their fight and went after her. >Quinn ran screaming. > Tom: I'm glad that big fiery plane crash didn't distract from the true focal point of the scene. >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- > >Ami tried her best to keep the plane level, but hitting the >stadium lights didn't help matters. Tom: Yeah, the objects you hit are usually the most inconvenient part of the crash. > The plane was almost on the >ground now. Ami tried to concentrate, but it was no use; the >stick was still fighting her. > Crow: This Senshi's fading fast, could this be the makings of an upset? Mike: Some superhero. Can't beat a stick. >"Pull up! Pull up!," the flight attendant screamed. "WE'RE >GOING TO CRASH! Crow: [Ami] Thanks for the news flash, Lynne Russell! Tom: The stewardess is fulfilling the "Counselor Troi" role in the story. > AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" > Crow: Arthur Fonzarelli, in a role that will touch your heart. Mike: Nah, there would be an "Y" at the end there. It's different. >The plane hit the ground like a lead balloon. Tom: But on the plus side, Jimmy Page and Robert Plant knew what to name their band now! > It bounced and >broke into several pieces before finally coming to rest. Crow: [Ami] I swear I will not rest! Until the plane's crashed and bounced around and broke a couple of times. > Ami saw >the flight attendant crash through the windshield and into a >tree, killing her instantly. Crow: Wow! The plane crash knows to take out the extras first! > Ami conked her head against the >stick and began to black out. Mike: Ew, it's "The Anime According to Garp". [Crow and Tom look at Mike quizzically.] Mike: In the book, the car crash is a little graphic. Tom: Oh. > "Not now, not now. . . . .," she >said, then lapsed into unconsciousness. > Crow: One woman is thrown with enough force to crash *through* the windshield, while Ami just "conks" her head? Tom: Selective physics, I guess. Mike: [announcer] "Mizzenmast Blintz-Cheese Needlejet Peanut Brittle" will return, after these messages! >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- > >Anthony Corlew saw what happened, and took it for a sign. > Mike: A "Keep Right" sign, actually. >"ATTACK!", he roared. Now the Lawndale Militia raced forward and >the various troops stormed City Hall, the Police Station and the >Courthouse. Crow: You know, if they really wanted to control the town, they'd go to the local video store and rent all the copies of "Bowfinger". > Soon enough, since there was only token resistance, Crow: Only the women and minorities fought back? >they had taken over all three buildings. > Crow: There's only three buildings in Lawndale? Mike: Turned them co-op, and hired a creepy old bald guy as super. >Anthony boldly entered the Mayor's office, sat down in the chair, >and propped his feet on his desk. > Tom: [Corlew] Poindexter, take a memo. From now on I shall be addressed as the Exalted High Head Ned Limpopo. The town drink will be Jack Daniels and our national pastime shall be shuffleboard. >"Gentlemen, at long last, Lawndale is ours!," he said in triumph. > Crow: [Corlew] Now, to proactively engage the zoning laws to encourage development of the waterfront! >It was the bleakest hour in Lawndale's history. > Mike: Except for that Bay City Rollers/Starland Vocal Band concert. Crow: How much longer is this thing? [The trio rise from their places and exit the theater.] >----------------------------------------------------------------- [1 . . . 2 . . . 3 . . . 4 . . . 5 . . . 6 . . . .] [The Bridge] [Tom and Crow are center stage.] Crow: It's clearly animal cruelty. Tom: Exactly. The Webster's definition of it. [Pause.] It *is* in there, right? I mean, it's a dictionary, so it'd almost have to - Crow: [barging ahead] Always, the pain and suffering of any of God's creatures brings sorrow to our hearts. But never so much as when it's passed off as entertainment. Tom: It's always the innocent ones who pay the price! Crow: Like in today's story. Tom: Right! A proud, majestic python shark, whose only crime was being a mindless killing machine, destroying and devouring anything and everything in its path, was murdered - MURDERED! And in a manner heinous enough to boggle the mind. Crow: They blowed him up bad! Tom: Real bad! Crow: And it was the work of terrorists! Tom: Well, the work of one really stupid, half-crazed, Cat Stevens-singing, incoherent dimbulb of a terrorist with all the survival instincts of a toast point, but still... Crow: What sin could a shark commit in a single lifetime - Tom: [interrupting] *Anyway* - the worst part of it is, we never got to know the shark as a character. What were its hopes? Its dreams? Crow: Did it long for a shark life better than the one its poor old shark parents had? Tom: Did it aspire to see its name up in lights? Did it yearn to feel the love and warmth of a little baby shark? Crow: How to fill this void in our lives? Thankfully, we have some help in the form of our very own Gypsy! Tom: Yep! Here she is with her tribute to our Benchley-esque everyfish. Performing her one woman, one-act play, "Hironamus Defined: An Omnivore's Story" - Gypsy! [Tom and Crow move off-stage. The bridge lights dim. Into a single spotlight, Gypsy enters center stage. She wear a purplish shark-type fin on top of her head, and is still sporting the set of neo-choppers Mike outfitted her with. She pauses a moment, standing pretty still. Then, she turns to her left.] Gypsy: Swim! [She stays there for a few moments. She then turns to the right.] Gypsy: Eat. [Widen the shot to show Tom and Crow watching her approvingly. Gypsy continues.] Gypsy: Swim! [She stays there for a few moments. She turns back to the left.] Gypsy: Eat. [Mike enters behind Tom and Crow.] Mike: Guys, have you seen Gyps- Tom and Crow: SHHH! Gypsy: Swim! [pause, turn] Eat. Mike: [whispering] Sorry to interrupt, but the ship's orbit is getting kinda weird. Gypsy needs to make a course correction. Tom: Well, fine, Mike, but just remember - Gyps is a method actor! She has to stay in character! Crow: Yeah, so her name is "Hironamus", and she's a single parent python shark whose mother doesn't understand her Tom: And she only gets by with the help of her ruggedly handsome next-door neighbor, Bronson. Crow: He's a gigolo with a heart of gold. Tom: And then she gets blown up by a bomb. Crow: Bingo. It's a vivid portrayal of the futility of life. Tom: Just like "Doctor Doolittle." Mike: Right. Python. Bronson. Bomb. Doolittle. Gotcha. [Mike approaches Gypsy.] Mike: Hermopodus? Gypsy: [startled] Swim? Mike: [taking out a long computer printout] Hey, Hermopodus, I got the latest flight data off the azimuth recorder- Gypsy: [staring at Mike] Swim? Mike: And at this trajectory, it looks to me like we're suffering from a 9.8 degree overshoot - probably just an ion storm disruption of the solar wind. Gypsy: [staring at Mike, softly sinister] Eat. Mike: So, what we're probably lookin' at here is - [Gypsy rears back, opens her mouth, and swallows Mike's head.] Mike: [screaming, terrified] AAAUGH! MY WINDPIPE!! Tom: Wow! Now THAT'S pathos! [They engage in a desperate tug of war. They keep struggling as the buzzer sounds.] Crow: Aw, no, Misery sign! And we never even got to the big wedding scene! Mike: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! Tom: Ah, c'mon, Mike, stop playing around and get in the theater, ya big ham! Mike: [still struggling desperately] CROW! SERVO! GOD! BRONSON! ANYBODY! MY HAIR IS BEING SUCKED DOWN HER TUBE! [The two pull each other out of shot as the door sequence begins.] [6. . . 5. . . 4. . . 3. . . 2. . . 1. . . ] [All enter. Mike is smoothing down his hair] Mike: Boy, when Gypsy acts, she really inhabits her role. Tom: *sniff**sniff* Geez, Nelson, you smell like old mackerel! Mike: Like I said, she *really* inhabits her role. >--------------------------------------------------------------- > >Data 8: Ami Joins the Free Lawndalers > Tom: Ami joins the militiamen? What the-? >When Ami came to, she could see in the haze that wreckage was >strewn everywhere. She was feeling groggy. Crow: Thankfully, the plane crashed next to a Starbuck's. Tom: How can a plane *not* crash by a Starbuck's these days? Mike: Hmm. Ami never has a second cup after my plane crashes... > There were flames >everywhere, since there was some flammable material on board, Tom: Sometimes called "passengers". >and the smell of burning flesh was everywhere. Tom: See? Mike: Man, that's the last time I book the same flight as a Buddhist monk. > Ami though her >eyes were playing tricks on her when she thought she saw two >familiar faces. Crow: [Ami] Daryl Hall and John Oates? What the- > She began to speak, though she still was a >bit groggy-headed: > Tom: [Ami] Oy, the colors! Hoyle! >"Usagi-chan, Mamoru, is that you? And if it is, Mike: -what the HELL do I have to do to ditch you two?! > why are you in >that ridiculous cheerleading uniform, Usagi-chan, and why is >Mamoru dressed up like a American rules football player?" > Tom: [Usagi] Hey, do we pry into *your* private life? Crow: It's Sailor Boink and Tuxedo Lout! >"I don't know what you're talking about," Brittany said. Crow: Introduction time, brace yourselves. > "My >name is Brittany Taylor, head cheerleader at Lawndale High; >this is my boyfriend, Kevin Thompson, star quarterback for our >team." She was twirling her hair again. > Tom: [Ami] Hm. Either Japan got real stupid or... hey, America! Crow: They're very calm about the whole plane crash thing. >Ami was now getting used to her surroundings. The moans of the >injured and dying could be heard everywhere. Crow: You know, Mike? I'm glad we're not dwelling on how anyone could survive a crash severe enough to shear the plane in half. Tom: Most folks would be wondering how the *hell* Ami could walk away from an accident that flung a nude stewardess out the window! Crow: But not us. Tom: Uh-uh. We've matured. Mike: Oh. Well, good. > The wreckage was >scattered for about several hundred feet. At least the plane >managed to avoid the football field. > Tom: No property damage, but at least a lot of people got hurt! >Ami now began to ask questions: "Where am I?" > Mike: [evilly] The village. Tom: [Ami] Who are you? Crow: Stop that. >"You're in Lawndale," Kevin responded. > Crow: [Kevin] Shall we laugh maniacally? Tom: [Brittany] Yes, lets! Bots: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Mike: Oh, like she knows where that is! Stop pretending! >"Are there any casualties?," Ami wanted to know. > Mike: What happened to all the moaning and writhing people? Tom: Um, they got better? >"We saw a lot of icky dead bodies around here! EW!," Brittany >responded. > Mike: [Brittany] But none of those casualty thingies. Tom: Well there's one person who didn't survive the first five minutes of "Saving Private Ryan". >Ami could see that there was a lot of carnage around. It was >sickening. Ami felt like she wanted to throw up. Mike: Is the nausea from the plane crash, or from the in flight movie "Death of a Salesperson", with Adam Sandler, Pauley Shore, and Fran Drescher? > She staggered, >not noticing that she had a big gash on her head, the result of >the tiara she wore cutting into her forehead when it hit the >control stick. Crow: Isn't that like Superman tripping on his cape, or Batman suffocating 'cuz he put his cowl on backwards? > The blood was dripping all over her seirafuku. Tom: Club Soda. Get it right out. >It was like something out of a nightmare, except this was for >real. Mike: It was like something from the warped brain of a sick fan, except this was posted on the Internet. > At least Akbar had been thrown out of the plane along with >his nuclear device before it went off. That would have made >matters infinitely worse. Crow: Yeah, I'd say so. > Ami began to count the small blessings >right now. > Crow: [Ami] Okay, 1: I got this gig instead of that role on "Enigma". 2: That cool new Smash Mouth CD is out. 3: I'm ahead of Usagi on the "Cute Anime Babes" website... >"I only hope that word gets out that I'm OK to my friends back in >Japan", she said. Tom: Cause she's really big in Japan. Mike: Just like Tom Waits. > She now saw the damage to herself. The blouse >of her seirafuku was ripped, and part of her bra beneath that was >ripped off, exposing her left breast. Crow: Y'know, I have a suspicion that Pete has a thing for the chesticular region. Mike: Maybe. He's awfully furtive about it. > Her miniskirt was also >tattered, and her boots were scuffed. Crow: [horrified] No! Not *scuffed boots!* Mike: Get a bootblack over here! We need 10 cc's of polish and buff rag, STAT! > Ami needed some attention. > Crow: Exposing your breast would certainly indicate that. >"We've got to have a doctor check you out!," Kevin stated. > Tom: (Kevin] I mean, he will not friggin' *believe* this! WOW! >"OK by me," Ami replied. Ami was so overwhelmed by what she saw >that she began to cry. Mike: [Ami, crying] I can't believe he called a doctor before a seamstress! It's like he *wants* my breasts exposed or something! > She was going to Germany so she could >become a doctor and help end people's suffering, but now she >needed some of that attention herself. Tom: Isn't it - well, you know. Crow: Thanks, Alanis. > Somehow, she thought she >saw a vision of Amaterasu-Omikami before her. Crow: [Goddess, catty] Oh! Look who's dying! Ms. "I'm Too Good To Be A Sailor Scout"! > She began to speak >some words or encouragement to her: > Mike: I AM THE GREAT AND POWERFUL ALABAMA-OKLAHOMA!!! PAY NO ATTENTION TO THAT WRITER BEHIND THE CURTAIN!!! >"My child, be strong. The world is in peril, but you and your >friends will prevail. Thus have I sworn!' Tom: It's nice to see Yul Brynner still getting work. Mike: Not even death can stop his agent. > The vision seemed to >dissolve. > Crow: But what it really did was open a new boutique in San Francisco. Tom: Now add the ice cubes, refrigerate, and you have the recipe for Jello's Quick-Set Goddess! >"Amaterasu-Omakami!," Ami cried out; "Don't leave me in my time >of need!" Tom: [goddess, waving] Be sure to check out my website! www.amaterasuomakami.com! > She stretched her arms out to the vision, which had >now completely vanished. > Mike: [Ami, weepy] I just wanted a hug. >Ami collapsed and began to cry furiously. > Tom: [Ami] She saw me with no mascara on! I'm so embarrassed! >Brittany herself was now on the verge of tears. Tom: [Brittany] Gah, what's that smell?! Whew! > She hugged >Kevin. > >"Why us? Why our community? Why now?," she sobbed. > Bots: Why? o/~ Blame Canada! Blame Canada! o/~ Mike: *Sigh* Maybe the Canadians and the Japanese will get so caught up arguing over who gets you two, they'll overlook me. >"I wish I knew the answers, Brittany," was all that Kevin could >say. Crow: [Kevin] I wish I had the brains God gave a rubber tree, Brit. But sometimes ya just gotta make do! >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- Tom: [quickly] Misery Wizardry Nitpick A-Mundo! >The football field was all in confusion now. Mike: Well that's what you get for trying to take the field when the marching band refuses to yield. > Everyone was on the >field, tending to whoever they could find alive. Crow: [Lawndale rube] Does it hurt when I do this? Tom: [victim] AAAAAAAUGH! Crow: Cool! How about this? Mike: It's good to see that Dr. Forrester's legacy lives on. > Mr. DeMartino >went to Ms. Li and spoke to her rather harshly: > Tom: [DeMartino] Ooh ooh, you...bad lady! >"I hope you're goddamn satisfied! Crow: [Bill Cosby] I hobe you sabisfied! Mike: I don't really think you can hold Ms. Li responsible on this one. Tom: It's not like she put up a "Terrorists: Fly here!" sign or anything. > You went ahead with the game >and we just became the target of an international terrorist! Mike: [DeMartino] Just like I SOMEHOW predicted EARLIER! > I >will report this matter to the State Education Department!" > Tom: Because as we all know, a high school football game is always a ripe target for international terrorism! Crow: There's a breakdown in logic here so massive, I don't even know where to begin. >"If you do that," Ms. Li warned, "I'll see to it that you never >work in this state as a teacher ever again! Mike: Hm. You know, most time when people makes threats? It's something *bad*. > Hell, I'll make sure >you can't work in this entire country as a teacher ever again! Crow: The Lawndale school board has that much power? Really? Mike: Proposition 413: Should the Lawndale school board be able to wield supreme power over school hirings across the country? Passed with 83%. >The only way you'll ever get a job teaching is in some straw hut >in Burkina Faso as part of the Peace Corps!" > Tom: Just get a job as a garbage man. Higher pay, people respect you more... >Mr. DeMartino couldn't hold his anger against her back any >longer. His right eye bulged out and he yelled: > Mike: *YAHTZEE!* >"Angela Li, you are nothing but a greedy, egotistical bitch!" > Crow: [lovingly] But you're *my* greedy egotistical bitch! >With that, he huffed out of the area. > Tom: And Ms. Li ran from the remains of her straw house, to her brother's, which was made of wood! >Timothy O'Neill, the English teacher, was tending to someone who >just went to cardiac arrest. Mike: Tim O'Neill *is*, Heart Cop! NBC Sunday! > He was performing CPR. A doctor >checked the person over. > Crow: [doctor] Hm, sensible clothing, both breasts fully covered... nope, there's nothing I can do here. >"I'm sorry, but we've lost him," the doctor said. > Mike: Well, where'd you put him last? Look under the couch cushions. >Mr. O'Neill stood there, the life drained out of him. Tom: He's now a half strength wight. > He began to >weep. > Mike: [Godley & Crème] o/~ You don't even know how to say goodbye! It makes me wanna CRYYYYYYYYY! o/~ >Jane and Quinn were tending to someone who had a broken leg. Crow: Wow, when Lawndale made a year of pre-med a graduating requirement for grade school, I guess they knew what they were doing. >Quinn took some wooden boards that were laying on the side while >Jane took her jacket off, ripped it up and used the strips to >bind the boards to the leg. Tom: Hopefully with the nails pointed out... Mike: Weren't Beavis and Butthead chasing Quinn before? Crow: Eh. Considering the number of exposed breasts floppin' around, they're probably paralyzed and drooling somewhere. > Soon enough he was taken to Lawndale >Hospital. > Mike: [ghost story] And the nameless character with the minor injury was never seen again. Some say he still haunts this field. >In all the commotion no one noticed when a group of Lawndale >Militia soldiers approached the football field. Anthony stood in >front of the troops. > Tom: Directly in the line of fire. Crow: [Corlew] OK, guys, remember! This is two-hand touch! So no gunplay until you're five yards beyond the line of scrimmage! >"Now, people, we've got the town!," he announced. "Now, let's >take its people!" Crow: What is that, a song lyric? > With that they stormed into the facility, guns >blazing. The charging troops lead to mass panic everywhere. Mike: Yes, that's the way to endear yourself - attack the wounded. Crow: Well! This has certainly been one busy beaver of day! Tom: Yeah, after this the town'll be ready for nice, relaxing vacation in downtown Chechnya. Mike: Meanwhile, Kevin's wandering around in a daze, wondering when they're going to finish the game... > >In the confusion, Jane and Quinn were separated. Mike: Jane was beaten until fluffy, while Quinn was added to a custard later that evening. > Jane lost track >of where Quinn was. Quinn was being jostled by the crowd. Then, >suddenly, an arm jerked her out of the crowd. > Crow: Thank you, Thing! Tom: Choppy writing. Making me sick. >"Jane, am I glad to see you!," Quinn began to say, but then she >saw who yanked her, and heard the hideous laughter. Mike: [shocked] Paul Chaplin! Crow: [confused] Who? > Quinn >screamed as Beavis began to grope her breasts while Butt-Head >grabber her legs. Crow: You have to admire their stick-to-it-iveness here. Tom: Yup, they set a goal, and they're taking concrete steps to achieve it. > Those two picked her up and carried her off. > Tom: How? >"I'm gonna go home and spank my monkey!," Beavis said. > Mike: I dunno, is corporal punishment *really* the answer? >"Yeah, then we're going to score!," Butt-Head added. > Tom: You'd think the militia would shoot at this. >Ami, Brittany and Kevin saw what was going on from a few feet >away. > Mike: Then why don't they *do* something? Crow: Man! Lawndale really needs one of them "Good Samaritan" laws! >"Oh, my god! Beavis and Butt-Head just kidnapped Quinn!," >Brittany shrieked. > Crow: Ahhh! They're going to show her a bunch of Poison and Ratt videos! Mike: [Brittany] If only someone cared enough to extend their arms! >Ami saw what was going on, and tried to summon whatever energy >she had left to use her Shabon Spray, Tom: -which had half the calories of butter or margarine. > but the exertion was too >much. She began to black out. > Tom: [Ami] Shouldn't... have bought... non-aerosol... pump... Crow: o/~ That was the night that the lights went out in Ami! o/~ >Mr. DeMartino saw what was going on. "Everyone who can, retreat >to the school!," he shouted. > Mike: [DeMartino] And if you can't YOU'RE on your own! BYE! >Many people did. The whole area was becoming a mob scene. Chaos >was now ruling Lawndale. Mike: But soon, Maxwell Smart and his agents from CONTROL would show up. >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- >Beavis and Butt-Head had arrived at the bus stop with Quinn. >Quinn was pleading with her captors: > Crow: [Quinn] Don't make me ride the bus! >"Please let me go! I'll do anything you want! Tom: o/~ But I won't do that... o/~ Mike: Tom! Tom: What? > My parents are >loaded! Crow: [Quinn] They've been drinking non-stop for days now! They'll be really easy to convince! > They'll pay you any ransom you want!" > Tom: [Quinn] Our estate at Cambridge? It's yours! >"Shut up, bitch!," Beavis snapped at her. "We're going to score >with you, and you'll just lay back and enjoy it! Mike: [Beavis] And then, we're like, gonna hold hands, and make big plans about stuff we know won't happen! > I'm getting a >stiffie just thinking about it! HEH-HEH-HEH-HEH-HEH-HEH-HEH-HEH- >HEH-HEH-HEH-HEH!" > >Butt-Head joined in with his "UH-HUH-HUH-HUH-HUH-HUH-HUH-HUH-HUH- >HUH-HUH-HUH-HUH-HUH!" > Tom: Wonderful. Now my silicon soul is permanently stained. >The bus pulled up to the stop. Crow: Then exploded as it's odometer went under 50. > Quinn screamed for help. Mike: She had never ridden the bus before. Tom: Well, it can be pretty overwhelming. > Beavis, >however, got on board, Crow: Oh my god! The tension! It's unbearable! > kicked off the driver, Crow: [gulping for air] Mike! Mike! I'm palpitating! Mike: Easy, easy! > and let Butt-Head >and Quinn in. Tom: On a little secret! The plot was *rigged*! Quinn was perfectly safe! > Beavis took over driving the bus, which was empty. Tom: Butt-Head and Quinn watched from the curb, wondering why Beavis was leaving without them. >Butt-Head undid Quinn's bra and used it as a gag. > Tom: Why would he want to gag himself? Mike: Who cares, let's just count our blessings. >"Man, you've got big hooters!," Butt-Head said as he looked >underneath Quinn's shirt. Mike: Ironically, Quinn chose this day to wear her "Hooters" T-shirt. > Quinn slapped him. > Crow: What good's the gag if her hands are free? Mike: It's kidnapping on the honor system. >"OW! You bitch! Why'd you do that? Tom: [Quinn] I'm sorry, an ugly sexist idiot landed on your cheek. > I was just complimenting >you!" > Tom: [Quinn] You're lucky you didn't say anything about my hair! >Beavis drove live a demon all the way back to Highland. Tom: Jason Blood, Driver's Ed instructor! >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- >Lawndale High now had the air of a M*A*S*H unit. Mike: It had become preachy and humorless, and Alan Alda was directing everything. > The injured >were everywhere. Doctors and nurses were taking care of them. Crow: Nurse! We need more limes and coconuts over here, stat! >At the auditorium, all those who were able were gathered. Tom: And in the back of the auditorium are five AV geeks, fighting over who gets to run the projector. > Ami >had her injuries tended to, and now was feeling a bit better. Mike: [Ami] Could someone get me some warm miso, please? >Mr. DeMartino was on stage, and he had a TV set on. Tom: It was part of his one-man show "DeMartino Takes On". > The news was >grim. The Lawndale Militia now had control of the entire town, >and all but forty-five passengers had died in the crash, Crow: [narrator] The rest had been shot by Akbar beforehand. > and the >death toll was mounting. Bobbie Baptistia on CNN stated that the >militia had seized the mayor, the police chief and the city >judge. Mike: And the pastry chef from the Sheraton, so you know the continental breakfast'll be good. > Things were grim outside as well: The report of the Neo- >Zero theft and the subsequent bombing of Tokyo were given just a >much coverage. Mike: Nice to know a terrorist attack on a major global population center gets *just as much air time* on CNN as a bunch of drunken suburban yahoos. Crow: Well, Ted's been distracted ever since Hanoi Jane left him. > Ami went into shock when she heard that. > Crow: She went into shock because they're covering Lawndale just as much as they are that Neo-Zero thingie? Mike: It must be the morphine. >"My friends! Who knows if they're all right?," Ami wondered. > Mike: I'll go out on a limb and say they might. >Jane was also worried, since Daria was over there. > Crow: [Jane] Poor Japan. >"Good god!," she said, "I hope Daria is all right!" > Tom: [Jane] And I hope I internalize future concerns, since an outburst like this is very much out of my character! >Ami turned around and saw Jane. > >"Jane Lane, right?," she asked. > Tom: Right. You get a cookie. >Jane was stunned; "Yeah, how did you know?," she asked. > Mike: [Ami] I know your cousin, Lois. You look just like her! >Ami replied, "I'm Mizuno Ami, Daria's friend." Right now was not >the time to beat around the bush about her secret identity as >Sailor Mercury; Crow: When *do* they hide their identities, exactly? Tom: [Ami] Well! It is time for Mizuno Ami, also known as Sailor Mercury, to hit the can! Watch my seat. > besides, they had taken off her clothes when they >tended to her injuries Tom: [Ami] But it's just a sinus headache! Crow: Yeah, yeah, that's what they all say! Now strip, sister! > and gave her a Lawndale High T-shirt and >blue jeans to wear. > Crow: Now she blended right in. Mike: Oh, she and Kevin have the same bra size! Crow: Lucky. >"You're the one who asked Daria over to Japan!," Jane continued. Tom: [Jane] This is all your fault, DIE! >"How did you wind up here, and what's happened to Daria?" Crow: It's a really, *really* long story. You don't wanna know. > >"It's a complicated story," Ami began. Mike: [Ami] I was on the plane, and Daria's a Sailor Scout. "Complicated" is English for "straightforward", right? > "And I don't know >anything about this Neo-Zero business. I didn't have anything to >do with the JAL plane being hijacked, either, in case you were >wondering about that." > Tom: But she *is* responsible for MTV preempting Daria for months at a time. >Jane took a close look at Ami. Mike: o/~ Jane's gettin' serious. o/~ > Somehow she could sense the >spiritual affinity that she shared with Daria. Daria and Jane, >after all, were the least liked in school, Mike: Upchuck must've learned how to pirate cable. > and it seemed that Ami >seemed to be in that same category, or at least she had suffered >some hardships. > Crow: Yeah, 'cause Ami's mom is an overbearing...um, well, her sister's an air -- no. Hell, they're in there somewhere. >"Ami, you're not telling me the whole story here," Jane shot >back. "What's happening here? What's happening to all of us?" > Crow: [Jane] We were all so close once... >Ami looked deep into Jane's blue eyes. She could sense that Jane >really valued Daria even if the rest of the school didn't. > Mike: You should always take care of your personal organ bank. >"How long have you known each other?," she asked her. > >"Ever since we met in kindergarten," Jane replied; Tom: Now come on! It was made very clear in Episode One that Daria and Jane hadn't met before! Crow: Don't fanfic authors have some basic responsibility to know what the hell they're talking about? Mike: You ask this on Page 243? > "My family >moved here from Highland after second grade, but then Daria moved >here a couple of years back. Mike: [Ami] Ah! Then Santa and his holy reindeer gave you the super power of detachment to fight crime, yes? > Not only that, she's got a crush on >my brother Trent." > Tom: Wow, thanks for that totally irrelevant fact, Jane! Crow: You can tell she values her position as Daria's confidant. >Suddenly, Ami could see deep into Jane's soul. Crow: Ah, the morphine's kicking in finally. Mike: [Ami] Hey! An unexplored inclination towards bisexuality! This could get interesting! > She could see >Daria and Trent. Crow: Playing table tennis? With hockey scores beneath them? Tom: Jane's soul gets ESPN2! > She could see them about to kiss, but it seemed >that suddenly Queen Beryl came out of nowhere and snatched Trent >from Daria. Mike: His publicist. He's late for his shoot with Liebowitz. Sid Liebowitz, the photo manager at Sears? Tom: Oh, right. I admire his work with screaming children. > "This isn't right!," she said, and began to black >out. > Mike: I've been saying that the whole story long... Tom: So, basically everybody and their dog is reincarnated from the Silver Millennium. >"It must be the medicine they gave you," Jane told her; "It's >probably playing tricks on your brain." > Crow: [Jane] I like talking best when you're blacked out, Ami! You're such a good listener! >Ami felt that had to be it. She remembered that it was Endymion >who was taken away from Princess Serenity, not Trent from Daria. Tom: Uh oh, *someone*'s drawing parallels again. >but somehow the shock of everything was taking its toll on her. >She collapsed. > >"Ami, Ami, are you OK?," yelled Jane, shaking Ami. > Crow: Yeah, that's the stuff. Exacerbate that concussion, encourage that brain clot! >Nothing was OK for her. She seemed to have been transported into >the middle of a raging sea. Mike: Wow, it really *is* Diarrhea. Look. > She was now nude. Tom: That's really a given by this point, isn't it? Mike: She should also start complaining about her small breasts. > Suddenly, it >seemed every enemy the Sailor Senshi ever faced swarmed out of >nowhere. > Mike: Yeah, there's Oscar, Dr. Thinker, Nav, Darren Shivo, Kane, Pete.... Crow: Don't bother listing them all, or we'll never get out of here. >"Now we will have our revenge!," roared Kunzite, and it seemed he >had a long dagger that he flung right at Ami. Crow: Is Midway really the best place to resolve all this? Mike: "Victory at Sea" starts playin' in the background, Admiral Yamamoto's on the "Akago" screamin' at them to get out of the way... Tom: Hm. I don't recall Ensign Gay mentioning a nude Japanese schoolgirl... > Ami dodged it, >only to bump up right against Ann. > Crow: The great villains: Joker - Ghidorah - Dr. Doom - and *Ann*! Tom: [shocked] Ann! You look a little raggedy! >"I never got to kiss Mamoru, and it's all your fault!," she >yelled. Mike: Gerald Ford grabbed her. "You caused me to lose the 1976 election!" Crow: Bill Buckner! "You made me muff Mookie Wilson's ground ball in the '86 World Series!" Tom: David Kelly! "You made me create 'Snoops'!" > >With that, it seemed Ann drew out a red hot poker and stuck it >right across Ami's abdomen. Ami seemed to be screaming in agony. > Mike: She doesn't know if she's screaming in agony or not? Crow: She has self-awareness issues. >Sailor Galaxia came out of nowhere and seemed to rip open the >heavens and the earth. Tom: Argh! Who *are* these people? Elves, spirits, Shriners? What?! > Ami seemed to be sucked into a black >hole. When she hit bottom, she seemed to be in an area that was >completely dark. Mike: And then Regis asked her for her final answer. > She was now clad in her Sailor Mercury >seirafuku. Tom: Is she wearing a bra? We'll let you decide that, dear reader. > Suddenly, strong, intense shafts of light appeared, Crow: And the Power Rangers appear to further muddle the plot. >and the rest of the Sailor Senshi stood there, with scowls on >their faces. Mike: [random Sailor] Someone's been dipping into the slumber party fund... > Not only that, but it seemed that Tuxedo Mask and >Moonlight Knight were there as well, along with many of her other >friends. > All: SURPRISE!!! o/~ Happy Birthday to you...o/~ >"Grandpa is dead now because you wanted to go to Germany!" Rei >seemed to scream. Tom: [Vincent Price] Nothing is as it seems... > Then she brandished a demon banishment scroll >and shrieked "AKURYO TAISAN!" in the loudest voice possible as >she flung the scroll at Ami. > Mike: [Rei] Oh, here, I graded your midterm. Good style, work on your grammar. >"I think you had plenty to do with Mamoru breaking up with me >five years ago after Chibi-Usa arrived," Usagi said. Crow: [Ami] Well *maybe*, Usagi, if you'd laid off the Sailor Sundae Bar, Mamoru wouldn't have left! > "For that, >you will pay! MOON PRINCESS HALATION!" Crow: Got Moon Princess Halitosis? Try new Lunarsterine! > Ami seemed to be >screaming in agony. > Tom: I *seem* to be in rapt attention, but it's all in the way I nod my head. >"You're the real 'Dumpling Head' around here! Crow: Mmmm-mmm! I good use a nice big heaping bowl of dumpling heads right about now. > You abandoned us! >You betrayed us!," Tom: *YOU* forgot to clean the plates before loading the dishwasher! > Tuxedo Mask said as he flung a rose dart. > Mike: [Tuxedo Mask] Accursed rose dart! Away with thee! >Everyone was yelling over and over again, "COWARD! TRAITOR! >SPINELESS COWARD!" > Crow: [Senshi] SPINELESS TRAITOR! Wait- did we use that one? What about "coward"? >The voices seemed to be going on and on and on and on. . . > Mike: Much like... Oh, hell. You can finish that joke on your own, folks. Crow: Andy Warhol films are shorter than this! >Finally, Ami couldn't take it any more, and began screaming, >"MAKE IT STOP! PLEASE MAKE IT STOP!" > Tom: Yet the writing continued, unabated. >Suddenly, a bright red flash ripped Ami back to reality. Crow: Yes, the onset of nuclear war brings the day to a perfect close. > It >seemed that Mr. DeMartino slapped her across the face to calm her >down. > Tom: [DeMartino] It seems SOMEONE feels they can shirk their RESPONSIBILITY by having a *NIGHTMARISH DREAM SEQUENCE!* >"Sorry, kid, but I had to do that to calm you down," he began. >The TV was turned off now, and he went back to the stage. It >seemed that he was going to make a speech. > Mike: That's when the real panic began. Tom: [agitated] What's with all this "seeming"? Can't something just actually _happen_! Crow: Ladies and Gentlemen of the Class of 1999, wear sunscreen. Mike: Crow, we did that one earlier. Crow: And we'll keep doing it until it's funny! >"I knew that the day would come," he began, with his right eye >once again bulging out, "that something like this was going to >happen. Mike: Don't you hate it when rampaging lunatics go and validate the views of other rampaging lunatics? Tom: It just creates a whole awkward "chain nut" situation. > Mr. Corlew and his associates in the Lawndale Militia >had been plotting to overthrow the local government for some time >now. But I was not going to stand idly by and let them get away >with it! Tom: [DeMartino] Sure, I *COULD* have warned the AUTHORITIES or SOMETHING, but, no, I had to act like a PARANOID LOON! > NO! NOT I, ANTHONY DEMARTINO! I was prepared for >this!" > Mike: [DeMartino] And my PLAN to RUN AWAY at the FIRST sign of trouble worked like a CHARM!!! >He paused to draw the curtains of the stage, and it seemed that a >whole stockpile of weaponry was right behind him. Tom: Wow! No wonder the Theater Club always got their budgets approved! Mike: Nah, he used the word "seem". We're still in Ami's dream sequence. See, there's Captain Janeway armwrestling an Irishman. > He continued: > >"Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I prepared for this very moment! Crow: By piling crucial resources in an unguarded location? > I >managed to get some weapons stockpiled myself so I can raise my >own little group and take back this town! Tom: Once again, it's the good psychos versus the evil psychos. > From here on end, you >are all part of the Lawndale Resistance Movement, or the Free >Lawndalers for short. Mike: The Resistance Movement of Lawndale? Crow: No, we're the Lawndale Resistance Movement! Tom: Or the People's Front of Judea! Mike: What about the People's Front of Lanwdale? Tom: Piss off! Crow: We're the Lawndale People's Front! > It is a shame that those who wish to >subvert everything this nation stands for bully and intimidate >the silent majority who stand by our democratic institutions. Crow: But enough about the Clintons. >These so-called right wing militias and taxpayers groups are >really wolves in sheep's' clothing. Tom: [DeMartino] No, wait, they're foxes in caribou's clothing! Or are they macaques in mullet's clothing? I can never remember. Mike: [kids] Yeah, yeah, mercenaries bad, "the people" good. We get it. Can we start shooting things now? > They claim they want to >restore 'constitutional government' but in reality want to >install a fascist dictatorship that would exterminate the poor, >the elderly, minorities and the disabled. Crow: And then... they'll kill all the puppies! Mike: I see that Mr. Goodwin will be paying a visit. Crow: Oh, please. Not even he's strong enough to stop this freight train of a story. Tom: [writing] ...and the disabled. Mike: Tom? Tom: Just writing something down for later use. > Is this what our >Founding Fathers wanted when they established our nation? Crow: Actually, Hamilton did say in Federalist Paper #34, "Hey! The first thing we should do when we take over the country is start a dictatorship, and kill off the poor, the old folks, and those blasted Conneticutters!" Tom: Well, that's because he's a Hamiltonian, and refused to take Gallatin's lead.... Mike: Let's not go there, L. Neil. > I tell >you loud and I tell you clearly: NO! If we just stand by while >the Anthony Corlews and the Timothy McVeighs and the Bob Schulzes Mike: [DeMartino, rambling] And the PURPLE horseshoes and the YELLOW stars and the RED balloons... >of this nation try to subvert the principles of equal rights and >equal justice, Crow: [DeMartino] ...then they'll shoot other PEOPLE and leave us ALONE! Um, wait, that's not right. > then we have truly lost the battle. Crow: [DeMartino] So let's go mow THEM down like POND SCUM! Mike: By now every kid has grabbed a box of hand grenades and an M60 and gotten the hell out of there. > These Neo-Nazis >must be stopped, for as the old Latin saying goes, 'Quis custodiet >ipsos custodes?'--'Who watches the watchmen?'" > Tom: This guy needs psychiatric testing... Like a Roarshach test. Mike: What a Comedian. Crow: Knock it off, you couple of Night Owls. >Mr. DeMartino paused and went up to Ami. > Mike: [DeMartino] So, DOLLFACE - what're you doing AFTER the counter- revolution? >"Young lady," he told her, "I sense that you seem to have >abilities far greater than any of us here. Crow: Since you're not wearing a bra and all. Tom: [Obi Wan] I sense a great disturbance in the breast- I mean, force! > We could use them in >our battle. Will you join us in repelling the Lawndale Militia >from here?" > >Ami was too groggy to say "No." > Crow: Is she too groggy to say "antidisestablishmentarianism"? >"All right, I will," she replied. > Mike: [makes balancing motion with his hands] Four syllables, one syllable. One, four. Yep, much easier to say four. >"Very well, then," Mr. DeMartino replied. "We will move out at >once and retake this town from the enemy!" Mike: Is it Lawndale or Calumet, Colorado? You make the call! Tom: Did Guerin just add "Red Dawn" to the crossover compost? Mike: Well... sorta. Not exactly. Hard to say. > Soon everyone >received weapons and began to move out. Crow: Oh, good. The teenagers are armed. I can't see any way they'd possibly regret this. > The battle to retake >Lawndale had begun. Crow: [British] It's a bloody war, lads, but it's the only one we've got! >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- Mike: And now, more "Matzah Ball Kreplach Wonton and Spaetzel"! >Beavis, Butt-Head and Quinn had arrived back at Highland. Crow: Highland! The Wisconsin of Texas! > The >two boys opened the door to their crumbling house and threw Quinn >like a sack of potatoes into a closet, which they promptly locked >up. > Tom: They're acting like a pair of *mashers*! HA! Crow: Quinn better keep an *eye* on them! Tom: Or she'll get *tuber*culosis! Mike: OK, guys. Enough. >Quinn could hear them through the keyhole: > Crow: [English] Well, I don't know about you, but I'm simply famished, Butt-head. Tom: [English] Oh, quite so, dear Beavis, quite so. Shall we repair to the kitchen for a brief meal? >"Yeah, we've got Diarrhea's sister now, Beavis!," shrieked Butt- >Head. > Tom: So, they've got incontinence? >"Yeah, cool!," replied Beavis, then went into his "HEH-HEH-HEH- >HEH-HEH!" > Mike: [narrator] Yes, Beavis withdrew deep into his laugh-like mantra, in order to meditate on the day's alarming developments. >Butt-Head then said, "I'm going to score with her first!" > Crow: [Mrs. Cartman] Haven't you ever heard of a manage o' three? Tom: [Chef] Yeah, when two women are involved. >"No, dillweed!," said an angry Beavis; "I'm gonna score with her >first!" > >"No, I am!," roared Butt-Head. > Mike: Cue Pumaman-esque fight sequence. >Beavis yelled back, "No, I am!" > Tom: I suppose it's too much to hope for another plane crash. Crow: [Quinn] Boys, boys! You can *both* take me on a beach picnic! >"I'll kick you ass, Beavis!," butt-Head warned. > >"Go ahead and try, Butt-Head!," dared Beavis. > Tom: And so continues nature's fierce competition to "get some". Crow: Eh. It's still more dignified than "Change of Heart". Mike: Ah, the wit's fairly flowing now. Crow: And they say literature's a dying art form. >They began another fist fight. Quinn could hear it going on. >Somehow, uncalled, a memory flitted up to the surface of her >mind. Mike: [weird voice] Hi! I'm Spunky, the Plot-Specific Flashback? Hope I'm not late! > It was a couple of years ago, when she and Daria were >still living here. Crow: Before they had that same old fight about Quinn wanting children. > They were going down the street when Beavis >and Butt-Head approached. They began that sickening chant they >made when they saw Daria: > All: o/~ OO-ga-cha-ka! OO-ga-cha-ka! OO-ga-OO-ga-OO-ga-cha- ka! o/~ >"DIARRHEA, CHA-CHA-CHA! DIARRHEA, CHA-CHA-CHA! DIARRHEA, CHA- >CHA-CHA!" > Tom: Oh my god, they're singing the newest Ricky Martin song! Mike: It's already at #3 on the charts. >"Uh, Diarrhea, is your sister available?," Butt-Head asked. > Tom: Yep! And how! >"No, she's not, you little perverts!," said Daria sternly. >"Leave us alone!" > Mike: [narrator] Daria knew "The Ins and Outs of Sexual Harassment Law"! After watching this film, you too will know what Daria knows! How to spot, stop, and sue over sexual harassment! >"But we want to score with her!," Beavis said. > Mike: So, how old is Quinn in this flashback? Crow: About twelve, I think. >They then made a grab for her, grabbing her by the legs (she was >back then wearing that stupid red miniskirt, the same one she >tried to seduce Kevin with) and her breasts. Crow: [official] Thank you, parenthetical aside, for distracting us from that five hundredth reference to breasts! > Daria then got real >mad, Tom: And gave them a stern lecture? > and kicked the both of them in the crotch. They were sent >howling. > Tom: [Yerko] SEE YOU IN HELL, YOU BASTARDS! Mike: Wrong howl. >Quinn ran screaming to her sister, crying and saying things like >"Thanks for saving me" and all that. > Tom: [Daria] Yeah, just don't get the impression I like you or anything. Mike: Generic platitudes were offered, resulting in nonspecific family bonding. >Somehow there were unconfirmed reports that later that day >Beavis and Butt-Head were setting off firecrackers and had thrown >an M-80 into a dirt pile. Crow: [Beavis] Take that, mound! Tom: Beavis and Butthead's hatred of the slalom reaches dangerous new heights! > It went off and apparently a kid in an >orange hooded parka--who apparently was with his classmates from >an elementary school in Colorado on a field trip-- Mike: So when did Highland become such a world famous city? > was blown to >pieces. Mike: [annoyed] Will there be any author left on the planet who can't go to court over this? Tom: Mm... Roger Corman, maybe? I mean it's not like he ever had an original idea to steal... > Somewhere in the distance, the rumors went, a kid in a >hunting hat was to have said: "Oh, my god! They killed Kenny! >Those bastards! " > Crow: [sobbing] Please tell me this isn't happening!!!! Mike: Buck up, private, it can't last much longer! Tom: You hope. Mike: Don't jinx it, Servo. >Somehow, to Quinn, this wasn't interesting right now. Crow: [sniffling] So at this point, Quinn's become an avatar for the reading audience. > She began >to cry uncontrollably. Tom: [Quinn, sobbing] Why can't I engage myself in this trite little anecdote?! Sure I'm about to be raped, but... > She was the most afraid in her entire >life. > Crow: Except for that time when Dogstar and Kenny G. were scheduled for a gig at her school. >"If only Daria was here, she'd save me from this mess!," she >sobbed. > Mike: Daria, or a locksmith! Either one! >If she only knew then just how her wish would be granted. . . Mike: I.e., not at all. Crow: And the Great Gazoo makes a surprise guest appearance. >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- >Back at the Kuriles, Mike: In the somewhat less icky part of our story... > the repairs to the Neo-Zero were now >complete. Crow: [mechanic] Here's your problem, Miss! Someone stuck a lollipop in your gas tank. Tom: [Yerko] A lollipop? Who- *HELFFEN*! > A fresh batch of Neo-Sidewinders was loaded and ready >to go. Tom: They just had to load up on Neo-fuel, and the pilots had to go to the Neo-john, then they'd be Neo-ready. > Yoriko was ready to fly once again. But there was some >unfinished business to attend to first with Dr. Vander Helffen. > Tom: Oh, right, her anal probe. >"I'm warning you, Dr. Vander Helffen," Yoriko began, "if you >don't make a fresh batch of 'Hi no Tori' pills for me soon, there >will be Hell to pay!" > Crow: [Yoriko] And you better have the correct change! >"I will make more, I promise!," he reassured her. > >Yoriko replied, "You'd better or else--" > >She made a cutting motion across her throat. > Mike: Right, 'cuz we all know corpses make the most efficient pharmacists. >With that, she climbed back into the cockpit and taxied down the >runway. Son she was flying again. > Tom: [father] See her flying again son? Crow: [son] Dad, Yerko's boring! You said you'd buy me a hot dog! >Dr. Vander Helffen turned to two ninja spies and said, "Prepare >the Iron Cross armor for me. I have a feeling that I will need >it." Mike: [Helffen] Oh! Also a double martini. I'll *definitely* be needing that. Very soon. >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- >Tokyo was in a state of siege. Tom: They've been enslaved by the hip sound of Latin Pop Diva Jennifer Lopez! > The air raid sirens were going >off again. > Crow: [Japanese] Curse you Jimmy Doolittle! >At SDF Headquarters, the Sailor Senshi were preparing for the >next round. Daria approached Brian Mackenzie. > Mike: [Daria] Sting like a butterfly, float like a bee! Crow: She's going right for the ear! Tom: Ladies and gentlemen, this is the end of boxing. >"You wouldn't have a cousin named Michael Jordan Mackenzie back >at Lawndale, do you?," she asked him. > Tom: [Brian, sighing] Look, lady, none of us knew how deep he was in with the Crips. And I'm not his father, so I ain't liable! >"As a matter of fact, I do," replied Brian. > >"I know him," said Daria; "we're classmates at the high school." > Crow: Wow, the future has just one high school? Merger mania's gone too far this time. >"How is Mike doing these days?," Brian asked. > Mike: Well, I'm still stuck on the Satellite and I got this really nasty rash on my- Crow: Stop! >"OK, hopefully," was Daria's reply. > Mike: The doctor says skin grafts can handle most of the burns. >But there was bad news about to be delivered from an NHK >reporter: > Crow: [Anchor] Michael Mackenzie is dead. A nation mourns. >"This is just in from our international desk. Tom: [anchor] America is seeing double over Burger King's Double Value Days! Two flame-broiled Whoppers for just $2! > A double tragedy >has struck the American community of Lawndale. Tom: [reporter] Which no one's ever heard of, but it's a slow news day, so what the heck... The Fashion Club hadn't sold a single pastry during their bake sale and Lawndale lost the football game! Oh and some people died. > First, it seems >that the hijacked JAL flight from Tokyo to Berlin has crashed in >that town. Mike: [reporter] Sadly neither Beavis nor Butt-Head was injured in the crash. > Further, it is now confirmed that a right wing >militia group calling itself the Lawndale Militia had now taken >over the town. We don't have any casualty reports for either >disaster as of this time, Mike: This is why MTV isn't known for it's informative news broadcasts. Tom: [Announcer] Now for some more Kid Rock! > but NHK will keep on top of these >rapidly unfolding events as they develop!" > Mike: [Announcer] We now return you to "Touched By a Ronin", already in progress. Crow: Meanwhile, overseas... Tom: [American anchor] Militia takes over American city! We'll tell you which one, at 10:00! >All of the Sailor Senshi were in shock. Ami was on that flight, >and she may be seriously injured, perhaps even dead. > Mike: Or annoyed that her ears are clogged up! There was no telling! >Sailor Moon was the first to speak: > Tom: [Rei] Dibs on her stereo! Crow: [Moon] So, who wants to go to the mall? The new 'N'Synch CD is out... >"I know that this is a blow right now, and Ami's whereabouts are >unknown, but we must concentrate on the matters in hand here. Mike: Shoes and boys! > If >Ami is indeed killed, then let this battle be dedicated to her >memory. Tom: We hereby dedicate this butt-whuppin' to Ami. > We swear that we will avenge whatever has happened to >her on our own lives. Crow: [Senshi] Whoa! Hold the phone! Let's not go nuts, here! > Now, let's prepare for the next attack." > Tom: [Usagi] I know where there's a really *really* deep shelter! >Daria stood there in shock. Tom: With all the shocking going around, this fanfic will never get UL approval. > For the first time in her life, she >was genuinely worried for her family. Mike: Our hero, ladies and gentlemen. Tom: What if the militia takeover disrupts ABC's "TGIF" programming schedule? How would they cope? > Her mother may be >domineering, her father a nebbish and her sister an airhead, but Mike: ...at least they didn't reduce complex characters to single-word stereotypes! >deep down inside, Mike: She loathed them all, as she does all people unlucky enough not to be her. > where most times she didn't want to admit it, Crow: She really liked Crystal Pepsi. >she really did care for them. Daria seemed to let a stray tear >fall from her face. Sailor Neptune noticed it. > Crow: [Neptune] DAR-I-A'S A BA-BY! DAR-I-A'S A BA-BY! >"Are you all right, Daria?," she asked her. > Mike: [Neptune] Do you want me to lick that tear off you? >Daria replied, "I'm fine, really." But right now she was >fighting an inner tempest of raging emotions Crow: Emotions are like a tempest raging inside of you. > like she had never >faced before. Tom: [Neptune] Look, Daria, I know it's tough, but it's not like you have any family there, right? I mean, like *anyone* would be *stupid* enough to live in *Lawndale*! No way! > And God only knew how all this would sort itself >out in the end. [Crow looks upward.] Crow: Yo, Pete. You payin' attention? Tom: Let's get outta here, guys. >----------------------------------------------------------------- [1 . . . 2 . . . 3 . . . 4 . . . 5 . . . 6 . . . ] [The Bridge] [The Bridge appears to be empty. After a few moments, Crow and Mike cautiously poke their heads into view from the side of the bridge, and look around.] Crow: I think the coast is clear. Mike: I think you're right. [The pair steps fully into view.] Crow: Whew. No terrorists, no killer bunnies, no death-planes or Senshi chicks for once. Mike: Yep. Everything seems nice and quiet for a change. [Tom enters, wearing a camouflaged uniform and carrying a rifle.] Tom: Company! Double time! hup! Hup! Hup! Hup! [He stops and points his gun at Mike and Crow.] Tom: HALT! You two are under arrest! Mike: Well, that was nice while it lasted. Crow: What's up, Tom? Tom: I've decided that Corlew was absolutely correct and so I formed my own militia and now we've taken over this craft! Mike: Wow. I don't think we've ever been hijacked twice in one day before. Crow: Hey Tom? can you save us some time and just walk through the hologazebo door now? [Cambot pans over to the open doors of the hologazebo. Nothing can be heard beyond the doorway.] Mike: Is the deathtrap broken? [Crow walks over to the doors and peers through. He then shudders and walks back over to Mike.] Mike: What? Crow: 600 Dennis Franzes. All naked. [The trio all shudder.] Tom: Let's forget about that. Please. Mike & Crow: Agreed. Mike: Since you've taken over the ship, I guess we're due for a long-rambling political speech from you, right? Tom: Nope. Mike: Really? That's really good of you, Tom. Most terrorists would... Tom: Speeches are so passe, Mike. So, I've started my own webpage! Mike: Never mind. Tom: Yes, just head over to : www.demartino_you_ignorant_slut.com and you can read all about my philosophy. And I'll use the power of the internet to rule the world! BWHA-HA-HA!!!! Mike: Tom? I'm sure that your little site is really nice and all, but only a complete wacko is going to follow you. [Silence] Crow: Mike? It's the net. Mike: [pause] Good point. [Cambot pans back a bit to reveal a computer sitting on the console. Tom hovers over to it.] Tom: And now I'll just log on and direct my minions onto world conquest! I'll just check my e-mail first... Huh. Someone wants to advertise on my site. Well, even us world leaders need pocket money... [Cambot zooms in towards Mike and Crow.] Mike: Great. Tom's gone nuts. Crow: I blame the media. [The lights signaling a call from Castle Forrester begin to flash.] Mike: Great. [Mike taps the light.] Let me guess Pearl, you're going to steal Tom's idea and take over the world, right? [Castle Forrester] Pearl: [snort] Right. Mike, we tried that years ago. Who do you think came up with that Zima website? [Bridge] Crow: That was *you*? I thought that webpage looked familiar! Mike: What do you want? Tom: [O.S.] Why, sure! Hey, the more banners the better! [Castle Forrester] Pearl: Well, since we're about halfway through the story. [Pearl begins to snicker then restrains herself and continues.] Sorry about that. Anyway, Brain Guy would like to run some tests on you to see how you're holding up. Observer: Hello, Michael. [Bridge] Mike: Hey Observer. Say, isn't this usually something that Bobo would do? Crow: He is a professor, after all. Tom: [O.S.] Yes! Keep them clicks a coming folks! [Castle Forrester] Observer: Well, yes. Normally, this would fall under Bobo's responsibilities, alas, we haven't quite been able to liberate him from the phone. [On cue, Bobo enters, chatting on the phone.] Bobo: [on phone] Really? The Julius Schwartz School of Kabuki? No, I didn't know that a day without Kabuki is like a day without Doris. That's really fascinating. Look, I have a luncheon... Yeah. Uh-huh. Right. That's great... [Bobo exits, still talking.] Observer: Shall we get started? [Bridge] Mike: Sure thing. [Castle Forrester] Observer: Have you experienced any of the following symptoms? Dizziness? Nausea? Loss of hair? Have any of your teeth fallen out? And by any chance has your head exploded? [Bridge] Mike: No. None of that, especially the last one. Crow: Mike, that performance of the National Anthem was pretty nauseating... Tom: [O.S.] Yes! Forty Million hits! I am the king! BWAH-HA-HA!!!!! [Castle Forrester] Observer: I see. And your liver hasn't tried to lead up into your throat in a desperate attempt to kill you before you're exposed to more of the story? [Bridge] Mike: Nope. [Castle Forrester] Observer: Very well then. If any of these symptoms do occur, please give me a call. Pearl: We won't do anything about it, but we'll enjoy hearing you suffer. Now get back in there, Nelson. [Bridge] Mike: Why do I have a feeling of impending doom? Crow: When do you not have a feeling of impending doom? Mike: Point taken. [Tom enters, sans fatigues.] Mike: Hey Tom. How goes taking over the world? Tom: Heh. That's a funny story. You see, my website really took off and I made a heck of a lot of money through my advertising. Then the militia guys decided that I was one of the oppressors and, well... Mike: They seized control of the website? Tom: Yeah. They've turned it into a "Analyze This" fansite. Crow: Really? I had no idea that the militia members were Billy Crystal fans... [The lights begin to flash.] Mike: I've got even worse news! WE'VE GOT MISERY SIGN!!!! [Mike hits the light and the door sequence begins.] [6 . . . 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . ] [Mike and the pair of robots enter and sit.] Tom: Man, those terrorists just ruined my webpage. Crow: Yeah, those 4000 dancing Billy Cyrstals are Just a bit too much. >--------------------------------------------------------------- > >Data 9: The Neo-Zero Attacks! > All: *AGAIN!* >The Neo-Zero was beginning its next round of attacks. First, >Yoriko decided to destroy a couple of SDF/USAF bases in Chiba- >ken. Tom: Since they were easy kills and she needed the XPs for the next level up. > Yoriko approached the control tower and fired a Neo- >Sidewinder at it, destroying it. Crow: Killing the people inside, of course, but let's stay focused on the tower! > She then blew up some fuel >tanks, causing a devastating inferno to engulf the entire base. Mike: See, the flaw in begging an author to make something happen? Is ya get this here. >She did the same thing with several other bases along her way. Mike: Hmmm, should we call ahead and warn them she's coming? Naaah, let 'em be surprised! Crow: Kinda makes you wonder why some bozo with a jet hasn't taken over Japan already, huh? >She then set a course for Tokyo. > Tom: o/~ Set a course for adventure, your eye on a new ro-mance! o/~! >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- > >Tokyo was now a maddening sea of panicked citizens. Mike: Instead of its usual maddening sea of mellow citizens. Tom: Life's just a pointless series of explosions and people running around in a panic. That's what I'm learning from this story. > Everyone was >running like the King of the Monsters himself, Gojira, was >running amok in their community again. > Mike: But the community covenant specifically prohibits Gojira! Crow: Curse that paper tiger of a homeowner's association! >The Mobile Unit of the National Police, Crow: What, the rest of 'em are nailed to their chairs or something? > the famed riot control >unit, was desperately trying to keep some sense of order, but to >no avail. Mike: They just couldn't accept the Titans losing the Superbowl. > The body-length shields were beginning to buckle from >the strain of all the humanity pressed against them. Tom: They should've used the shields with the wings. They're stronger and they absorb more blue liquid. > Even the >TMPD was having difficulties in keeping matters under control. Crow: And if the Teenage Mutant Pokemon Dingoes can't help, no one can! >Everywhere, the screams of those who sensed that they were to be >condemned were filling the air: > >"We're all going to die!" > Tom: Nearby, Ford Prefect resisted the urge to throttle someone for saying *that* again. >"It's Doomsday!" > Mike: Nope. He's still walking towards Metropolis saying "Thoom". >"Merciful Buddha, spare us!" > Tom: I regret nothing! >"No! I'm too young to die!" > Crow: I'm too old to die! Mike: I'm too Wisconsin-y to die! Tom: I'm too wonderful to die! >"The end of the world is near!" > Mike: Buy bonds where you shop or bank! Crow: Last chance oxygen for 23,000,000 Miles. Tom: You know, I kinda wish Michael Stipe were in that crowd, and that he didn't feel fine? It would serve him right! >"Prepare to meet your doom!" > Crow: Kiss me, I'm Irish! >"Is there no God to save us?" > Crow: Suddenly, the sounds of Queen fills the air. Tom: o/~ Flash! Ah-ah! Doer of the impossible! o/~ Mike: We are saved! For the hero Flash Gordon will surely save us from this dire threat that is threatening us direly! >Suddenly, the Sailor Senshi appeared. Sailor Moon stood in front >of the rest. > >"Citizens of Tokyo, I implore you to stay calm!," she shouted. Crow: [Moon] There are plenty of tickets available for the Cheap Trick concert! Please form two orderly lines, and we'll open the ticket booths momentarily. >"Giving in to panic will only mean that the enemy will win over >you with their fear! Please, calm down!" > Tom: [man in crowd] Yes! We must do as the Power Puff Girls say! Mike: [Usagi] Um... we're the Sailor Scouts, actually. Tom: [man] The Sailor Scouts? AAAAAAUGH! Crow: RUN AWAY! Tom: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF! WOMEN AND CHILDREN ARE HUMAN SHIELDS! >However, it was of no use. Soon the crow began to overwhelm the >Sailor Senshi right where they stood. Crow: Hey, I wasn't even there! Mike: Uh-huh. Sure. Crow: I swear! Tom: C'mon, Crow, we've all seen your "I Overwhelmed the Sailor Senshi and All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt" T-shirt! Crow: A coincidence! Really! > Daria was knocked over and >would have been trampled Tom: Which would have resulted a very special episode of "WKRP in Yokohama" > if it hadn't been for the quick thinking >of Sailor Uranus, who pulled her out. > Crow: Oh, so she was pulled out of Ur- Mike: Finish that line and you'll never see another Anna Kournikova site as long as you live. >"Are you all right?," Sailor Uranus asked. > >"More or less," Daria answered. "It's kind of like those mosh >pits we have back home." > Crow: I miss mosh. The sight of young people beatin' the crap out of each other and callin' it fun... made me proud to be old! >In the melee, the Mobile Unit and the TMPD were themselves >overwhelmed. Tom: [police] Roses? You shouldn't have! > Later on, it was reported that there were several >officers on both forces who were crushed to death. Tom: [KITH] I'm crushing your head! > Chaos had >clearly begun to assert itself on Tokyo. Mike: Sanctions against Chaos proved ineffective, and NATO prepared for another round of bombing. Tom: So. I take it chaos is the theme Peter is developing here. But perhaps we need another twenty "data" to establish the fact! >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- Crow: [announcer] Ladies and gentlemen, "Mosh Pit Big Country Lollapalooza!" >Shortly after the panic had begun, the Neo-Zero arrived. All: YERKO! > Yoriko >started the terror right away by firing a Neo-Sidewinder Tom: o/~ Every time I see you I want to do it, girl... o/~ > right at >the famed Tokyo Tower, Crow: Hey! The monster *has* reached the foot of Tokyo Tower! > blowing it up to scrap metal. She then >set her sights on the Diet Building. Tom: Take that, Jenny Craig! > She fired missiles at the >chambers of both the House of Representatives and the House of >Councillors, Crow: Both of which, ironically, just voted to cut the defense budget. > and a third at the middle of the building. Mike: She fired at a mailbox, and The Sunglass Hut. She was running out of rational targets. >Horrendous damage was wreaked on the building. Tom: That being what missiles do. > For good measure, >she fired two missiles at the Tokyo Dome, blowing up the roof and >damaging a good portion of the stadium. Mike: And Tom Selleck's plans to film "Mr. Baseball II" are tragically derailed. Tom: Good. > Yoriko smiled to herself >in a sinister way. > Tom: Not sold out anymore, are ya? BWAHAHAHA! >"Soon, Tokyo will fall to the iron rule of the NIRAA!," she >yelled. > Crow: I just can't take seriously a fascist organization bent on world domination that can't be bothered to form a good acronym. >Suddenly, she noticed something on her radar. All: RADAR!!!! > There were five >blips on the screen; Tom: She forgot to cover her face when she sneezed. > the IFF device Tom: She has an Amiga on her ship? > indicated that they were five >Grumman F-14A Tomcats; they had obviously been launched from a >U.S. Navy aircraft carrier. Mike: Finally, the fanfic allows somebody to retaliate! > Yoriko flew in the direction of the >squadron closing in on her. When she got to visual range, she >could see from the tail markings that they were with the famed >Fighting 143rd Squadron, alias the Pukin' Dogs. Crow: I, for one, can sleep a whole lot easier knowing that if danger rears its head, a bunch of guys that call themselves "The Puking Dogs" are on the job. Tom: Oh! And look! Behind them is the 39th, a.k.a. "Some Ginger Ale With The Bubbles Stirred Out". > She could hear >the talk on the radio as the fighters approached: > Mike: She just couldn't turn off Rush Limbaugh. Tom: Megadittos! Mike: [Rush] Well, some kook's shooting up Tokyo as we speak, but first, it's our Hilary update. Dudaluh-dudaluh-dudalu-dudaluh! >"Tango to Victor! Mike: Thar she blows! Wait. Sorry. Wrong script. > We've got our bandit on visual now," said one >of the pilots. > Crow: [Pilots] And Johnny and Hadji are right behind him! >The squadron leader, Victor, responded with, "All units prepare >to lock on target and fire on my mark!" > Crow: Well, wouldn't it be easier to go see a qualified dermatologist instead, over? >It looked like they were going to use the 20-mm Vulcan cannons on >her since they were so close. Mike: That would only be logical. Tom: Infinite Diversity through Infinite Whoopass! > Yoriko made a power dive as the >bullets began to fire away. > Mike: Those bullets have lousy aim. Tom: I went to the Danger Zone, and all I got was this lousy battle sequence. >"Dammit, she's too fast for us, Victor!," shouted another pilot. > >"Angel up to 15 and prepare to fire Sidewinders," said the >squadron leader. > Mike: And the Snake Unemployment Rate skyrockets! Tom: Since when did guardian angels become standard military issue? Crow: [sighing] You know, these guys better come through, because the next squadron's the one led by Dick Dastardly and Muttley. >Yoriko saw them turn tail and prepare to fire their Sidewinder >missiles at 15,000 feet. Yoriko used the HUD to target the five >Tomcats, then programmed five Neo-Sidewinders at them. Tom: Ah, Pete got bored. Mike: Yeah, the battle's over now. Pretty much. > She >calmly pressed the fire button and saw each of the missiles take >out their targets. They didn't know what hit them. > Crow: But they had a pretty good guess it was a missile. >Yoriko sneered and flew back to the heart of the city. Mike: Her lips are gonna freeze like that someday. Tom: Like Elvis? Cool. >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- >It was only on the most important occasions that a governor of a >prefecture like Tokyo-to ever got to go into the Imperial Palace. Crow: And when he was, his "Electric Sparkle Tuxedo" assured no repeat invitations. >Generally, the palace was only open to the public on two days in >the year: the Emperor's Birthday and New Year's Day. Tom: And also for the "Buffy" season premiere. > However, >Gov. Nagai was not making a social call to Emperor Akihito. The >very life of the nation was at stake. All: Again? > He was now in an >underground bunker beneath the Imperial Palace, speaking to both >the Emperor and Empress Michiko; for good measure, the Solar >Warrior was there as well. Crow: If there's no superhero present, then nothing important is happening. > Gov. Nagai began to speak: > Crow: [Nagai] I hereby call this meeting of the Rotary Club to order. >"Your Imperial Majesties, Tokyo hasn't suffered as much damage >like this since the end of the war. The terrorist who has this >aircraft can virtually wipe out this entire city with full >impunity! Mike: If only we had some way to stop a plane! Tom: Doesn't Japan have a military? Crow: Judging from the earlier sequences, they'd just fly around and watch the Death Plane blow up stuff. > The citizens of our nation are now turning their eyes >to you Mike: Especially since Joltin' Joe has left and gone away. > for guidance in this grave matter. Crow: Is it best to surrender on our knees, or should we crawl on our stomachs? > We need some >assurances that this evil will pass." > Mike: [Nagai] Because frankly, evil's running game is lousy! >The Solar Warrior added: "Gov. Nagai is right. All: Ravis! > The people are >looking to both Your Imperial Majesties in this terrible time. >Speak to the people. Tell them what they need to hear." > Mike: That olestra is the work of the devil? >The Emperor arose and began to speak: > Mike: [Emperor through megaphone] It's okay. Everything will be fine. Remain where you are, and all will be well. [aside] I think they're buying it! Crap, is this mike still on? >"Somehow, I wish that I could have avoided having to face a >crisis like this. Tom: In fact, I think I will. I'm outta here! > I have seen the reports myself and I have to >confess that I fear for our nation. Do we want to return to the >chaos that the regime that had once controlled this nation >brought on all of us and the world?" > Mike: [emperor] Show of hands? One, two, three- OK, about half. Fine. >"It was in this very room that the war council met presided over >by my father, the Showa Emperor. Tom: Showa Emperor: Ruler of Bath. [pause] With the shower... and the bath... and the... forget it. > The vote was tied on what >course of action was to be taken. It was up to him. Mike: So he chose the pepperoni and mushroom deep dish. > He knew >that we had foolishly let the militarists control every aspect of >our society, that they led us to this calamity. Tom: They had allowed the sake and rice paper market to tumble precipitously. > He had to do >what was right. Crow: He confessed to chopping down the cherry tree. > He voted to end the war. He went on the radio >and announced to this nation that we had to bear the unbearable. Crow: Still, it's better than thinking the unthinkable. Tom: Or speaking the unspeakable. Mike: Or eating the inedible. >If this group seizes our nation, and begins to carry out its >agenda, how many more bombs will fall? Tom: [emperor] Hello? I'm asking a question, dammit! Tell me! > Must we suffer the >nuclear terror of the Americans, the Russians, and the Chinese >this time around? Mike: Sure we could foreclose on their countries, but then we'd have to pay their back taxes! And nobody wants that. > We must not let those who led us to ruin >destroy half a century of progress, of good relations with the >world." > Tom: [emperor] Unless, you know, you guys were thinkin' different. I don't know. Did that make sense? Any of it? [Crow turns to Mike] Crow: This is just one plane they're talking about, right? Mike: [laughs] I'm pretty sure it's just the one. >He motioned to a nearby servant, who bowed deeply. > >"Inform NHK that I will deliver an address shortly." > Mike: [Emperor] It's the location of the new Wendy's downtown. >The servant bowed deeply again and left to make a phone call. > Crow: Like, I gotta tell Marci about this! She'll like totally freak! >Gov. Nagai said, "You are doing the right thing, Your Majesty." Crow: [emperor] Uh-huh. Is your nose cold, Nagai? You didn't have to stick it that far up. >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- >About fifteen minutes later, this was heard on NHK: > Mike: [announcer] It's time to play the "Million-Dollar Birthday" contest here on NHK - Star 103! >"We interrupt our continuing coverage of the Neo-Zero crisis to >bring you this message from the Emperor. Ladies and Gentlemen, >presenting His Imperial Majesty, the Emperor." > Mike: "Having a great time. Wish you weren't Japan." >There was a picture of the Emperor and the Empress in the bunker. Crow: A picture? Hey, look, it's a postcard from the edge. Tom: Wow! I didn't know Eva Braun was Chinese. Weird. >The Emperor stood up and began to speak: > Crow: [Emperor] My fellow.....Japanese? Erm, wait, let me start over. >"Citizens of Japan: We are now facing the greatest crisis in >over fifty years. Mike: Wal-Mart wants to build a store around the whole damned country! > There are those out there who wish to restore >militaristic control and regimentation in our society. These >extremists think that the old ways were the best ways. Tom: [emperor] The old ways were good ways if you looked at them sideways. Crow: o/~ These Happy Ways are yours and mine! Happy Ways! o/~ > Those >ways were not the best ways. Tom: They were the, um, unbest ways. > They brought immeasurable suffering >and pain on countless millions in Asia and the world. The >primary weapon of these extremists is fear and terror. Crow: [Python] TWO! The two primary weapons are fear, terror and an almost fanatical devotion to - THREE! The THREE primary weapons! > However, >they can be beat back if we do not submit to our worst fears. If >we stay calm and not panic, we will have won half the battle. Tom: [Emperor] Then me and the wife will just hole up here in the bomb proof bunker until you guys win the other half. Crow: Knowing, incidentally, is the other half. >Therefore, I implore this nation to stay clam and to display in >the face of the enemy the calmness and civility that have marked >our nation and our way of life from time immemorial. Tom: And in the immortal words of Roland Warner, No Panicking Allowed. > We must not >let fear conquer us. Crow: That's NIRRA's job. Mike: NIRAA, Crow. Tom: There's a difference? Mike: I think NIRRA lobbies against restrictions on strip mining. > We must not let the enemy defeat us. >Together, as a united front, we will show these extremists that >we will not submit to their reign of fear. Tom: Meanwhile, back at home, the average Japanese viewer is flipping around between channels, looking to see if "X-Files" is on. > Thank you for your >attention." > Crow: [Falsetto] What was all that dear? Mike: [Basso] Ah, who knows? I was asleep. >The announcer then said: "Please stay tuned to NHK for more >developments in this crisis." Tom: [announcer] We know return to our afternoon movie, "Three Men and a Little Samurai". Mike: A town blows up! Is it yours? Find out, tonight! On NHK! >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- Tom: Once again, "Miss Chimney Paintball Biscuit and Doodle"! >A good part of Tokyo was now in flames. Crow: And that's just the good part. Tom: Yeah, the bad part's been ground to dust, mixed into a paste and used as a poultice for Mecha-Kong's hives. > Fire, it seemed, was >everywhere. Mike: Was it in the water? Was it in the clouds? Was it in a lover's first kiss or the gentle murmur of the rain? > Sailor Moon had transformed into her Eternal Mode Mike: Much like the story at this point. >and was flying above to survey the damage. Tom: [Usagi, coughing] Maybe I should avoid the smoke... Still, I think the fire actually improved things a little. > Everywhere, it >seemed, there was damage. Crow: Repetition, it seemed, was everywhere. Tom: Everywhere, it seemed, there was repetition. > She was now over Azabu-ku, her own >neighborhood, and set down where her house was. Thankfully, so >far it was undamaged. Crow: So I guess not everything was damaged. Tom: Apparently. > She ran in. > >"Mom! Dad! Shingo!," she shouted. > Tom: S-4, H-17, I-40, N-53, G-71, O-80! That's one good Shingo! Anyone else? >Soon she could hear footsteps from the basement. Soon, Kenji, >Ikuko and Shingo emerged. > Mike: You know, if they see their shadows, we get six more weeks of fanfic. Crow: [upset] What?! No! Mike: [chuckling] I'm kidding. It's a joke. Crow: Oh. I knew that. [grumbling] Ya big dumb slab of salt pork... >"Mom! Dad! Look! It's Eternal Sailor Moon!," Shingo said. > Tom: [Shingo] Betcha can't hit her with a rock! Crow: [dad] Oh really? >Right now, Sailor Moon was not going to be coy about her real >identity; she was too concerned. > Crow: Well, why start worrying at *this* late date?!? She should just make up a business card she can give people when she wants to tell them her secret identity. Tom: Maybe everyone in this story spent 15 XP to buy off their secret identity Disadvantage. >"Mom, Dad, Shingo, it's actually me, Usagi," she calmly >announced. > >"No way! You can't be!," Kenji said in shock. > Tom: [Kenji] 'Cause Usagi's got blond hair and blue eyes and wears skimpy dresses and you...*ohhhhh*... >Sailor Moon waved a hand over her transforming brooch and >reverted to her identity of Usagi. Tom: I.e., she changed clothes. Mike: Yeah, at least Clark Kent had reading glasses. > Everyone was speechless for a >couple of minutes. > Crow: [mom] So... you can save strangers from alien invasion, but you can't stop eating your fingernails? Tom: [Usagi] Mooooom! >"Usagi, is that really you?," Ikuko started to say, stunned. > Crow: [Usagi] Nope. HAH! I really had you going for a sec, there! >"Yes, it's me," she confirmed; Mike: I've brought two forms of ID and my birth certificate. > "I guess you should know the truth >now. For the past six years, I have been fighting evil as Sailor >Moon. Mike: [Usagi] Well, I did take a couple of months off last year to pose for cheesecake posters, but other than that... > Luna told me that I was the reincarnation of a princess >who lived on the Moon over one thousand years ago and that it >was my destiny to lead humanity to an era of peace in the future. Tom: [Ikuko] Yes, dear, the cat told you were a moon princess. Just lie down for a second while I call the doctor. >My friends work alongside me as the Sailor Senshi, and Mamoru is >Tuxedo Mask; they also were from the Moon Kingdom, except Mamoru, Crow: Who's from the Gambino family. >who was known then as Endymion and was from Earth.. In the >future, Chiba-Usa will be mine and Mamoru's daughter. Tom: [Kenji] Mamoru got you *pregnant*?! Mike: [Usagi] No daddy! He *will* get me pregnant. I mean - Daddy, put the gun down! > Right now >I have to stop this madwoman from destroying Tokyo and forcing >our government to give in to her terrorist organization. Crow: [Ikuko] Not until you clean your room, young Sailor lady! Tom: [Usagi] Moooom! > Ami was >one of us as well; she was Sailor Mercury. But when she left for >Germany she transferred those powers to Daria. Tom: Previously on The Major Shameless Neo-Geo Dribble Banana Donut. Mike: Is it still exposition if it was part of the story already? > Now I don't even >know if Ami is still alive or not. Crow: [Usagi] She's in a box, and some weird scientist guy is standing by it babbling about uncertainty! He's creeping us out! > I'm fighting for all of our >futures here. Crow: [mom] No darling. You're *talking* about fighting for our future. Meanwhile the plane just leveled Nagano. > Please, if you love me, you'll leave here and get >to a place of safety." > Tom: Get in your Suzuki Samurai and drive away as fast as you can! >Already the tears were beginning to run down her face; Usagi was >genuinely worried for her family's safety. Crow: Or she'd been cutting onions. Mike: Oh, suck it up! It's just an apocalyptic death plane. It's not like they're in downtown Miami or anything. > She then heard >footsteps behind her, and saw that the rest of the Sailor Senshi >were right behind her. > Crow: Quickly hiding chains and tire irons behinds their backs. >Tuxedo Mask was the first to speak: > Tom: [Mamoru] What, a dump! >"Sailor Moon, is everyone here in the Tsukino household safe?" > Crow: [Mamoru] Because if they are, I can fix that. >"Yes, they are, Mamo-chan," said Usagi. > >Everyone was in a state of shock. > Mike: [Senshi] You spoke a sentence that lasted less than five minutes! >"It's all right, we know everything now," Kenji said. "You know, >I have to admit that I still had lingering doubts about you >until now, Mamoru. Tom: [Kenji] You read all those men's health magazines, and you're always singing showtunes.... > I thought that you were too old for my >daughter and was making her a juvenile delinquent. Crow: Now it turns out you're also porkin' her. > Now I know >the gravity of the situation. How can you forgive this foolish >man?" > Tom: [Mamoru] Give me your back copies of "Martha Stewart Living" and tell me where Ikuko gets that fantastic high-gloss lipstick! >Mamoru extended a hand and said, "There is nothing to apologize >for; you just didn't know. And I would be honored to call you as >a friend." > Mike: [Mamoru] By the way, I don't know if I mentioned, but I'm moving next week and I was wondering... >With that they shook hands. > Tom: Should they have their fingers crossed when they do that? >"Now that we like you and all that," Ikuko said, "how can you >help us?" > Crow: No beatin' around the bush with Ikuko here. Tom: [Ikuko] So you love my daughter! Big deal! Love doesn't ground the death plane, buster! >Mamoru replied, "You know that resort you went to six years ago, >the one that had the water spirit that I had summoned when I was >brainwashed to do Queen Beryl's bidding?" > Mike: [Shinjo] Hm... nope. Seems I'd remember something like that. Crow: [Mamoru] Big climactic showdown between good and evil? Mike: [shakes head] Not ringin' any bells. Crow: It had that ice cream parlor? Mike: Oh right! They had waffle cone sundaes with the homemade fudge sauce and crushed Butterfinger pieces! That was awesome! >"I don't know anything about you summoning spirits, but I do know >that some strange happenings were going on there," was Kenji's >reply. > Crow: So let's all pile into the Mystery Machine and go investigate! >"Go there," Mamoru said. "You will be safe." > Crow: Relatively speaking. >"We will take your advice," Kenji said. Shortly, the Tsukinos >had packed the bare necessities and took off in their car. > Tom: Blessed as they were by Mamoru's friendship, the Tsukinos were untroubled by the massive traffic jams as millions of others tried to flee the city. >"It is better for them until things are resolved," Usagi said. > Tom: [Japanese] Yes! Leaving a burning city of rubble is hard, but sometimes necessary for survival! >"Now, we've got unfinished business to deal with," Mamoru said. > Crow: [Mamoru] I see on the agenda, Sailor Mars has a presentation on how Just-In-Time storeroom procedures can reduce our overhead 50%. Then we'll get an update on how the Stop-the-Death-Plane subcommittee's doing! >Suddenly, someone somewhat familiar appeared. Crow: Wow, Donald Pleasance! > Usagi swore she >was seeing double. Mike: No! Not the Olsen twins! Tom: [whimpering] I can't take another crossover. > But there he was all the same: a man dressed >like an Arab, with a scimitar at his side. Crow: It's the Arabian Knight! Tom: Look! There's Red Wolf! And the Texas Twister! Mike: And Team USA! And Razorback! Crow: Wow! All of Marvel's worst characters on parade! > Undoubtedly it was >the Moonlight Knight. > Crow: Batman's cousin from San Francisco, right? Mike: No, the moon *lit* knight. Remember to conjugate. >"Mamoru, you can't be at two places at once," Usagi said. > Tom: [Usagi] Especially when you're not anywhere at all. >"Sailor Moon, surely you know me, the Moonlight Knight?," he >began to speak. > Crow: Bruce Willis in a very special role, ladies and gentlemen. >Daria turned to Meiou and asked, "What's this all about? You >mean that Mamoru has two secret identities?" > Crow: So that's two compared to however many Sailor Moon has. Mike: Plus, he's also Green Lantern, Captain America, the Fly, Racer X, the Pumaman and, surprisingly, She-Hulk. >Meiou said, "It's kind of a complicated story." > Tom: Yet another succinct summation of this fanfic. Crow: Well, throw it on the pile, then - this is the spot for them. >The Moonlight Knight then stopped and removed the veil from his >face. Crow: [shocked] Merv Griffin?! But why? > Usagi stood there in shock.. It was none other than >Furuhata Motoki, the owner of the Crown Game Center that Usagi >still hung out at after school. > Mike: Wow! So he's the one who's been haunting the old amusement park! Crow: Of course! That explains everything. [to Mike] Kill me now. >"Mamoru, can you explain what's going on here?," Usagi demanded. > >"I will," Motoki started. [All groan] Mike: Why not? We haven't any exposition for at least a paragraph! Tom: Great! Just what we needed - more flippin' backstory! Crow: Pearl should've just sent War and Peace - we'd have been done a heckuva lot sooner! > "It was shortly after the Sailor >Galaxia incident. Tom: Oh yeah, Galaxia. I- > Mamoru had that close call with that >disappearance while he was flying to America. Tom: America? But- Mike: This would be the "bubble wrap" portion of our story. Crow: It contains no actual content, but absorbs our abuse, so we have no energy left to hurt the plot. > After the incident >was resolved, he approached me and told me all about you and the >others, Usagi. Tom: Right. But what about- > He then gave me the costume of the Moonlight >Knight and trained me in some basic fighting skills. Crow: Mainly scampering away and whimpering like a baby. > If Mamoru >was to disappear again or if the Sailor Senshi needed some more >muscle, I was going to be the ace in the hole. Tom: Sure, but- Crow: Oh, so he's their spare cannon fodder? > And I guess that >right now you're going to need all the help you can get." > Mike: We've been saying that since page one... >As to confirm that remark, the Neo-Zero streaked out of the sky >again, and straight for the Sailor Senshi! Mike: The "Dramatic entrance" device on the Neo-Zero seems to be working quite well. > The Deathgrip cannon >was roaring at full blast. Everyone scattered. > All: RUNAWAY! >"OK, sister, you asked for it!," Usagi said. "ETERNAL MOON STAR >POWER, MAKE-UP!" > [A huge powder puff swings down and smacks Mike in the face] Mike: *coughcough* GUYS!!!! Crow: [giggling] When you least expect it, Mikey. >She transformed to Eternal Sailor Moon and began to fly right >toward the Neo-Zero. > Mike: Here we have a case of the irresistible force and the highly movable object. >Yoriko just sneered and started to play another CD in her player. Crow: And here we see how a skillful author replaces the audience's imagination with a reference to a song no one's heard of. >This time it was "Black Monk Time" from The Monks. Mike: o/~ Dies irae dies illa; solvae saeclum in favilla... o/~ > She was >listening to the opening track "Monk Time" and was hearing Gary >Burger's frantic voice: > Mike: [Gary] I just want to apologize to Mike's mom and Josh's mom and my mom and I'm sorry to everyone. I was very naive and very stupid and I shouldn't have put other people in danger for something that was all about me and my selfish motives. >"Alright, my name is Gary. All: Hi, Gary! > Let's go. [Crow stands and begins to exit.] Mike: Crow, sit down. Crow: What? Gary says I can go. Mike: He's talking to somebody else trapped in a theater. > It's Beat time, it's Hop >time, it's Monk time. Mike: It's Hammer time! Crow: It's time for Timer! Tom: It's 3:00 AM Eternal! > You know, we don't like the army! Crow: You don't say! Mike: But we're just crazy about...the Navy! Bots: o/~ In the Navy! o/~ > What >army? Who cares what army! Mike: Well then why'd you ask? > Why do you kill all those kids over >there in Vietnam? Mike: Because if left unchecked, their population would explode. It's all part of nature's wondrous plan! > Mad Viet Cong! My brother died in Vietnam. Crow: Well, okay. He had a heart attack while watching "Casualties of War" but it still counts!! >James Bond, who is he? Tom: Woody Allen, in one film. > (frantic electric banjo riff from Dave >Day) Crow: Mike? Were electric banjos in wide use back on earth? Mike: Only for a short time, between the atomic accordion and the coal-powered kazoo era. > Stop it, stop it, I don't like it! Tom: Yes, at this point, even the soundtrack is demanding an end to all this! > It's too loud for my >ears. Pussy Galore is coming down and we like it. Crow: Not going to say a thing. Nope. > We don't like >the atomic bomb. . . Mike: We used to! But then it got drunk at my wedding and said the most despicable things about Gary! > (shrieking organ riff from Larry Clark) Mike: Hey buddy, we're the only ones shriekin' and riffin' 'round here. > Stop >it, stop it! I don't like it! Stop it! Crow: Well! Someone's certainly being a little grouch-a-saurus today! > What's your meaning, >Larry? Tom: And what's the frequency, Kenneth? > (another organ interlude from Larry) Crow: [Larry] I wish my brother George was here... > Ah, you think like I >think. Mike: But do you feel like I feel? Crow: Can you hear what I hear? > You're a Monk, I'm a Monk, Crow: Wouldn't you like to be a Monk too? > we're all Monks. . . Mike: We're all monks now, in the dope show! > Dave, >Larry, Eddie, Roger, everybody, let's go. . . [Crow rises and heads for the exit.] Crow: Ah! "Let's go." Couldn't've put it better myself. Mike: Sit down! Geez. Do you have a date or something? > it's Beat time, it's >Hop time--IT'S MONK TIME NOW! YEAH! ALRIGHT!" > Tom: This pointless interlude brought to you by the Monk Council. >Sailor Moon was flying as fast as she could. Tom: She was trying to break the elusive "musical interlude" barrier. > She grabbed her old >Moon Scepter and pointed it at the cockpit. > >"You will not destroy our future, you spawn of Hell!," Crow: [Yerko] But Chris Carter told me to *fight* the future! Now I'm confused. > Sailor >Moon shrieked as she prepared to fire off her Moon Princess >Halation beam. > Mike: And a quick memo about punishing hellspawn delinquents! >Yoriko was hearing Larry Clark's frantic organ playing, then the >chorus of "It's Hop Time! It's Monk Time!" > Crow: But is there time enough for love? >"Blow it out your ass!," was all she said as she squeezed the >trigger of the Deathgrip cannon. > Tom: So apparently the answer, my friend, *is* blow it out your ass! Mike: Apparently, it was hammer time. >Sailor Moon began to say "MOON PRINCESS HALATION!" when suddenly >hot lead tore through her like jagged needles. Tom: Through butter. Mike: See, *this* is why it's important to get a lot of fiber! Crow: [Usagi] Ugh! Gosh, usually our attack plan of standing out in the open and taunting the villain works a lot better than that! > Sailor Moon fell >helplessly from the sky and landed on the ground with a >terrifying "THUD!" Tom: Oh dear. Dave Winfield hit her with a baseball. Mike: Such a shame. > The rest of the Sailor Senshi ran to her, >Daria being the first to get to her. > Mike: [Daria] Dibs on the tiara! >"Usagi! Speak to me!," Daria yelled at her, shaking her; Tom: Hey, Mike, you know what the best part about being an anime character is? Mike: No, Tom, what? Tom: They're spineless! Hee-hee! [pauses] Because she didn't break any bones, see... Mike: I get it, Tom. > "Are >you all right?" > Crow: Iyai wiyill beeyee oyunce yououou stoyahp shayayayking meyeyeye! >Sailor Jupiter kneeled down besides her. She gave a quick check >of her vital signs. > Crow: [Jupiter] Well, her makeup's okay. Brain activity is nil. Nothing unusual there... >"She'd bleeding badly," she said. "I don't think there's even a >pulse. Mike: [Jupiter] Forget it, she's as dead as Shelley Long's career. Tom: Bury her next to Rei's grampa. > We have to get the Sailor Star Lights. Crow: [weakly chuckling] We can take the Star Lights Express! Heh. Tom: Only half the fat and a quarter of the taste! > Only Sailor Star >Healer can save her now." > >Daria became very mad. Crow: She, too, missed "Sifl and Olly". All: ROCK! > She raised her head to the sky and >screamed, "NOW YOU'VE MADE IT PERSONAL, YOU BITCH!" Crow: Well, come on. She's just doin' her job. Tom: And it's not like Moongirl made a huge effort to duck. > She ran off >in the direction of the Neo-Zero. > Mike: Actually, flying off would have made more sense, since she's chasing a plane. >"Daria! Come back here!," Luna ordered sharply. "Sailor Senshi >don't drop everything to carry out personal vendettas!" > Tom: [Luna] We wait and conduct them as a group! >"Let her go, Luna!," Rei said. "Since Ami's not here, I'm now in >charge. Crow: The Al Haig of the Orient springs into action! > Let Daria blow some steam. Mike: [Rei] And if she gets killed, it's no big loss. MTV can use that time slot for more TRL. > She'll be back." > >Mamoru, in the meantime, reached for his cellular phone and >called the Sailor Star Lights. Crow: Leave it to Japan to take all the homespun charm out of witch doctoring! > This was the only chance Usagi >had now to survive. > Mike: He may as well schedule the removal of his brain polyps while he's at it, what with the cell phone and all. >Daria, meanwhile was still running when suddenly, something >smacked up against her head with a loud "CRACK!" She fell down, >helpless. > Crow: This kinda makes the whole idea of her taking on a jet rather silly, doesn't it? Tom: You know, it's possible the Senshi should pay more attention to the "Get The Hell Out Of The Way" portion of their training. >"Stay right where you are!," said an iron voice behind her. Tom: Tommy Lee Jones!? >"Don't make another move!" > >Daria suddenly found herself surrounded by NIRAA ninja soldiers. All: Surprise! o/~ Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you.... o/~ >She held her hands up in surrender. Mike: Yeah. She'll do *just great* as a super-hero! Crow: She never even got say "UP YOURS!" to them! Tom: I feel cheated. > They took her away to a >secret location near the Sumito Heavy Industries headquarters. >Dr. Vander Helffen would be awaiting for them there. > Tom: And that's where he'll turn her into a woodchuck. >"Great! Now I've been captured," she thought to herself; "Wait >until I send my next postcard. It'll say: 'Dear Mom, Dad, and >Quinn: All: *HEEEEEEELP!* > I'm now a POW being held by an extremist group. Tom: The ACLU's taken hostages? > Please >make sure to inform the Red Cross so they can send those POW >packages. Love, Daria.' Crow: PS: Don't tell Colonel Klink about the tunnels. > What a trip this had been!" Crow: She meekly surrenders to the bad guys! o/~ La-la-LA-lala! o/~ Mike: What a long, strange trip it's been. Tom: What a long, strange, confusing, nausea-inducing, wretched trip it's been! >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- > Tom: New! From the makers of "Misguided Busybody Near-miss Kabuki"! >Back at Lawndale, The Free Lawndalers had made it as far as the >local YMCA and decided to stay there for the night. Mr. >DeMartino was checking his AK-47 when Helen Morgendorffer ran >screaming to him: > >"I CAN'T FIND HER! I CAN'T FIND HER!" > Tom: I bet she'll be in the last place she looks. Mike: [Helen] Nicole Kidman isn't *anywhere* in this week's "People"! >"Don't interrupt me while I'm cleaning my AK-47!," Crow: [mumbling] Scenes from American Pie 2, ladies and gentlemen. Tom: Say? Why is patriotic Mr. DeMartino using a Russki gun? Mike: They're just reusing the props from "Red Dawn", Tom. > Mr. DeMartino >yelled at her, his right eye bulging out again. "Do you want me >to shoot my eye out! Crow: Let's hear what our viewers at home think. Agnes, from Providence, Rhode Island! You're on the air! > Now, who can't you find?" > Crow: [Helen] Waldo! I've looked all over this stinkin' book! >"My younger daughter, Quinn!," Helen continued. Tom: [Helen] If it helps, she looks a lot like that Gabrielle chick on 'Xena'. You know, bare midriff? Same color hair? > "I haven't been >able to find her since the plane crash!" > >Mr. DeMartino motioned to Ms. Barch and Ami. > Mike: [DeMartino] Just hack the parts you like off them and build yourself a new daughter. >"You two, find out what happened to Quinn Morgendorffer!," he >snapped at them. > >"I don't like taking orders from male scum like you, >DeMartino!,:" Ms. Barch said. > Tom: But he wasn't offended because she added a duck smiley emoticon. >Mr. DeMartino pointed his gun and said "Well, my gun and I have a >different opinion!" > Crow: The Ted Nugent Debating Society at work. >Ms. Barch took the hint, and left with Ami. > Mike: Man, I am so glad patriots like this are standing up to military dictatorship! Tom: Yeah, the last thing we need is some uniformed goon with a gun mandating our actions. >"Male scumbag!," she muttered to herself. Tom: [Ms Barch] *That's* what I need! A male scumbag to boss around! > They left the YMCA and >went down the street. > >Soon they saw someone. > Mike: Where? Over there! By the thing! >"Excuse me," Ami asked, "Have you seen Quinn Morgendorffer?" > >"You bet I did," the person began to say. Tom: [person] On TV! She was with Xena The Warrior Prin- Oh! Oh wait! That may have been someone else. > "Beavis and Butt-Head >dragged her to the bus stop, kicked the driver out and drove the >bus all the way back to Highland, I figure." > Mike: Lawndale residents just don't give a damn, do they. Crow: Boy, we're running into a lot of Genovese's neighbors in this story. >"Might as well get my car and go over there," Ms. Barch said. Tom: [Barch, sighing] May as well. I s'pose. Could swing by the 24 Store, grab a six-pack of Tezquiza on the way or somethin'. > "I >always hated those two creeps! They always make mischief when >they come here to see Highland take on Lawndale. Mike: Kidnapping, attempted rape, arson... you know, mischief. > All men are >scum, Ami, and don't you forget it!" > Tom: [Ami] Let me write this down: "All - men - are - scum". >Ami was beginning to see that not all guys were like Mamoru or >even like Urawa Ryo, Crow: Or Kevin Brannagh or Brian Boitano or that nice Richard Gere! > the smart but kind boy she met back in the >Sailor Senshi's early days when they were searching for the seven >Rainbow Crystals that formed the Silver Imperium Crystal. Tom: [deeply] Guarded by the Balrog, deep within the Caves of Ancient Mordor! > But at >least she didn't think that all men were scum, at least not just >yet. Crow: Hear that, Mike? You've still got a chance! Mike: Thanks, Crow, it's good -- hey! >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- >It was about 10:30 PM. Beavis and Butt-Head were watching TV. Tom: [Butthead] Wow. That Charlie Rose sure gives one hell of an interview! >They were watching the reports of the JAL crash and the Lawndale >Militia coup. > Crow: Beavis and Butt-Head watching the news. My suspension of disbelief has just snapped. >"Cool! We're on TV, Beavis!," Butt-Head said. > >"Where! Where!," Beavis said, excited. > Crow: Jeez, ya'd think they'd know where their TV is. >"I think we're over there!," replied Butt-Head, pointing to the >TV. > Crow: We're watching them watch TV. Tom: At least they're not talking over the videos. I hate that. >"This is cool!," Beavis said, then began doing his "HEH-HEH-HEH- >HEH-HEH!" > >Butt-Head added his "UH-HUH-HUH-HUH-HUH-HUH-HUH-HUH-HUH!" > Crow: Man, I could listen to them laugh *all day*! And I have a feeling I'm going to be from now on! Tom: Laugh, and the world laughs with you. Cry, and you're watching these two laugh. >Then they changed the channel and tuned into a channel which was >showing the newsreel footage of the "Hindenburg" disaster. Mike: The stock footage channel! Ask *your* cable provider to carry it ASAP. > They >began their hideous laughter again. > >"Hey, Butt-Head," asked Beavis. > >Butt-Head replied, "Uh, what, Beavis?" > Tom: [Beavis] Would you mind if I recited some poetry I just composed? >Beavis then said, "Is this the Super Bowl?" > Mike: Well, there's a monkey singing "La Cucaharcha", so it must be. >"Uh, I think so, Beavis," was Butt-Head's answer; "It looks like >the Goodyear Blimp!" > Crow: Well, it could be Roseanne singing the anthem. >Then they saw the airship explode and Herb Morrison say "It's >burst into flames!" > >"FIRE! Tom: At will! > FIRE! Mike: When you are ready, Gridley. > FIRE! Crow: In a crowded theater! > FIRE! Tom: Down Below! > FIRE!," Beavis said. > Crow: Sorta makes ya wish they were in front of five firing squads! Mike: Mm. Sorta. >"Cool! It's crashing right onto the playing field!," Butt-Head >said. They began their hideous laughter again. > Mike: People are dying, it's fun! >Meanwhile, in the closet, Quinn had found a pin on the floor and >managed to unlock the door. Tom: I don't know why you humans bother with keys. Every flippin' one of you seems to know how to pick locks with a hairpin. Mike: Well... not really. > She slipped out--making sure that >she had her bra back on--and slipped out of the house. > Tom: The way this has been going, you'd think that was the one piece of clothing girls ever wear. >"Uh, Beavis, did you just hear the door open?," asked Butt-Head. > >Beavis replied, "I think so, Butt-Head." > >"Uh, better check on Quinn," asked Butt-Head. > Crow: [picking up phone] Hello? Martha Quinn? You still a washed-up MTV has-been? Cool. HEH-HEH-HEH! >Beavis got up and checked. When he saw no one there, he went >"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! QUINN'S GONE! QUINN'S GONE!" > Crow: [Butt-head] Did you check the closet? Tom: [Beavis] Oh yeah! I'll be right back. >Butt-Head went over and said, "Dammit, Beavis, now how are we >going to score?" > Tom: Have you considered the quarterback sneak or the long bomb? >"I bet I know where she went, though," Beavis replied. > >With that they left to find Quinn. Crow: Check over in Eskimo Town. >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- > >Quinn was out of breath when she reached the home of Tom >Anderson. Mike: [Quinn] Pfew! Maybe I shoulda just run next door for help. Or that Police Station at the end of the street. Nah! > She rang the doorbell and soon it was opened by Mr. >Anderson. > >"Hello, young lady," he said; Tom: [Anderson] I'm not Hank Hill, I just sound like him. > "What can I do for you?" > Mike: And of course, if this were the real Mr. Anderson he would say... Crow: [Anderson] What the hell?! Where are your clothes little lady? Good lord! Mike: Thank you. >"My name's Quinn Morgendorffer," she began; "I'm from Lawndale. Crow: [Quinn] I'm a political science major at Radcliffe, and if *I'm* elected Miss America my platform will be to end hunger in America! >Beavis and Butt-Head kidnapped me and took me to their place. >But I managed to escape. I need help" > Tom: [Anderson] Kinda composed for a rape victim, ain'tcha? >"You're Daria Morgendorffer's sister, aren't you?," Mr. Anderson >asked. > Crow: [Quinn] No, that's some *other* family named Morgendorffer. >Quinn replied, "Yes, I am." > >"Well, I remember her," Mr. Anderson replied. "Smart little >girl, she is. Tom: [Anderson] She appreciated the advantages a good propane heating system has to offer! > Do you want to call your parents?" > >"Yes, please," begged Quinn. > Mike: [Anderson] Well, come inside the bra. *House*! >They entered the house. But then, Beavis and Butt-Head saw them >enter and raced for the door, kicking it down. > Crow: Wow! It's SuperBeavis and UltraButthead. Mike: They have the strength of ten losers! Tom: Ten _big_ losers. >"Quinn, we don't like girls like you running away from us," Butt- >Head said. > Tom: No matter how frequent the occurrence! Crow: You never really get used to rejection like that. Right, Mike? Mike: Nope. You sure don't. >"Yeah! That's not cool!," Beavis added. > >"You boys have done the most heinous thing I've ever heard about. Mike: Except for the guys who wrote "The Secret Diary of Desmond Pfeiffer" of course. >I'm going to call the police right now," Mr. Anderson said. > Tom: When did Quinn get a chance to tell him? >"No way!," Beavis screamed. With that he found a golf club that >was lying nearby and began to bludgeon Mr. Anderson with it. All: ACK! Tom: Beavis, when people ask you to do Jack Nicholson, they just mean the voice, kid! Lighten up! Mike: The Davis Cup competition the public never sees! >Soon, he laid there, dead in a pool of blood. > [Appalled silence] Tom: Well. Just when you think it can't get any worse, it gets worse. >"Cool! He's dead!," Beavis said. "Now we can do what we want >with Quinn!" > Mike: [Beavis] We can dress her in that stunning Versace print you picked up at Cannes! >"You murderers! Don't you know right from wrong?," Quinn sobbed. > Crow: I doubt they even know right from left. >"Do a striptease for us, bitch!," Butt-Head ordered. > Mike: [Beavis] If you really want me to, Butt-Head. >"Then, like, let's have her wear that outfit we made that looks >like that Gabrielle chick's outfit from that Xena chick's show!," >Beavis said. > Tom: Did we really need to learn about that particular fetish of Beavis and Butthead? Mike: So in between the rapings and cruelty to animals, Beavis and Butt-head are part-time seamstresses? >"NO!," Quinn shrieked. > Mike: See? Quinn agrees with us. >"You won't deny us again!," Beavis said, Crow: Well, maybe twice more before the cock crows, but that's it! > then clenched his fists >and began to shake up and down while going >"BOINGOINGOINGOINGOINGOING!" Tom: Sound effects provided by Kiki the Ferret. > They moved in closer on Quinn. >Quinn was screaming, "SOMEONE HELP ME!" > Mike: Sorry, Quinny, "Someone" already had his chance. >Suddenly, there was a cold blast of air that hit the room. > Tom: Looks like she gave them the "cold shoulder," eh? Eh? >"SHABON SPRAY, FREEZING!," shouted a voice from the front door. > >Beavis and Butt-Head were frozen solid. > Crow: Hey! Sleeze-cicles! Mike: D'oh! That's no good! Future generations are gonna thaw'em out! >Quinn turned around to see Ami and Ms. Barch in the front door. >She ran to Ami and collapsed into her arms, crying. > Tom: [Quinn] I'm so glad to see you, girl I've never seen before! >"I'm just glad you came!," Quinn sobbed. > Crow: [Quinn] Whoever you are! Group hug! Tom: [Quinn] Wow, the dress code for the Japanese navy *rules*! >"It's all right. It's all over now," Ami said. > Tom: Oh, if only that were true. >Ms. Barch went to the now frozen Beavis and Butt-Head and >sneered, "You men are all scum!" Mike: Ha! Catch phrases! So much better than actual character development! For fun! >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- Crow: Doctors recommend "Missile-based Bus Fare Nihilism Persnickety" for temporary relief of prolonged attention spans. >Daria was in some dark room with a strong light on her face. She >was tied to a chair. Tom: She had no thoughts or emotions. She just was. > Suddenly, a door opened, and Dr. Vander >Helffen entered. > Crow: Is it safe? >"So, you're the new Sailor Mercury now, aren't you?," he said. > Tom: [friendly doctor] My, you're a big girl! Your mommy must be feeding you very well! >Daria gave a rather stock answer: > Crow: To generate a P/E ratio, you divide the stock's price... >"My name is Daria Morgendorffer. Mike: Is it really that hard of a concept to grasp? Repeat it with me: Secret Identity. > I am a member of the Sailor >Senshi. Crow: [Daria] I am a millionaire. I own a mansion and a yacht. Tom: [doctor] Again! > I am a citizen of the United States and demand to be >treated as a prisoner of war in accordance with the Geneva >Convention." > Crow: You guys ever been to the Geneva Convention? Tom: I have! They wear those funny little hats and drink Swiss chocolate beer and moon the Matterhorn in three languages! >"That will do you no good," Dr. Vander Helffen replied. "The New >Imperial Rule Assistance Association does not recognize the >Geneva Convention. Tom: That's because it's wearing its hair different these days. > In fact, when we're done, we will rule the >world and abolish the Geneva Convention, Tom: But where will all the RPG geeks go? Mike: Ah, they'll just move it to Indianapolis. > the United Nations and >all other weak-kneed organizations and treaties. Crow: [Daria] Will you stand up to the World Trade Organization? Mike: [doc] Hey, do I *look* like I got that kind of clout? > Japan will be >the undisputed master of the world. Mike: [Helffen] And that means you too, Lichtenstein! Crow: [Helffen] Until such time as folks stop trading with us, since we have no natural resources. But for now, it kicks ass! Tom: All accomplished with their single plane. > And now you will hear of >those plans before we execute you!" > Crow: Plotting to rule the world: check. Ruling with an iron fist: check. Explaining plans to soon-to-be-executed heroine: check. Tom: Time for a break? Check. [The trio stands and leaves the theater.] >----------------------------------------------------------------- [1 . . . 2 . . . 3 . . . 4 . . . 5 . . . 6 . . .] [Mike stands behind the command console of the bridge, holding a coffee mug in one hand. A small coffee maker sits nearby on the console.] Mike: Well, nothing like a nice cup of coffee to take your mind off an experiment. [mumbling] Now, if I could just remember where I put the whisky... [Mike lifts the mug up to his lips and begins to drink as Crow and Tom enter. Tom sidles up next to the coffee maker.] Crow: Hey, Mike. Tom and I think that we've figured out what's wrong with this story... Mike: And just what - Tom: [To the coffee maker] Hey, babe. Does heaven know one of their angels is missing? Heh, heh. Mike: Tom. It's a coffee maker. We've discussed this before. Tom: Mike, she's just playing hard to get. [Mike sighs and turns back to Crow.] Mike: Okay, Crow. What's wrong with the story? Crow: Well, this story is ostensibly based on Daria, right? Mike: Theoretically, yes. Crow: So, just what, exactly, is it missing? Mike: Crow, if I answered that, we'd be here all day. Crow: Good point. I'll just tell you then. Every episode of Daria has a soundtrack, full of hip songs that appeal to today's youth. And with that in mind, Tom? [Tom is still whispering sweet nothings into the coffeemaker's ear] Tom?! [nothing] TOM!!! Tom: What?! I'm makin' time with the babe here! Crow: Wheel it in! Tom: Well I would if you'd let me... Oh - oh yeah, the whatsit! Gotcha. [Tom exits, stage right.] Crow: Poor sap doesn't even know it's a *Mr.* Coffee. Mike: Crow, you didn't invent something again, did you? I'd think the whole hologazebo thing would've put you off that... [At the mention of the name, Cambot pans over to the open doors of the hologazebo. Beyond the doorway, jets of fire stream up into the sky. A deep, evil, maniacal laughter can be heard in the background.] Crow: Hey, cool!! I didn't know we had the "Gates of Hell" program running! Hmm. Come to think of it, I don't even recall buying that program either... I guess they must have bundled it in. [Tom re-enters, pushing a cart, with a fancy looking piece of equipment on it.] Tom: Mike? May I present... the Soundtrack-o-tron! Crow: Yes, this little bit of magic will add an appropriate musical number to whatever scene is going on! Tom: It's a marvel! It's a wonder! It... Mike: ...looks kind of like my stereo with a cheap calculator pasted onto it. Crow: Well, that too. Anyway, let's try it out! Mike: Can I go hide in the storm shelter? Tom: Nope. Let's say that Daria has been mistakenly invited to a party at Sandi's house. We just activate the Soundtrack -o-tron annnddd... [The Soundtrack-o-tron lights up and, after a few moments of "computer beeping" FX, music begins to play on the bridge.] Music: o/~ If you want to be with me, baby there's a price to pay. I'm a genie in a bottle. You gotta rub me the right way. o/~ [The music continues to play in the background.] Tom: See? An appropriate piece of background music. Crow: Now, let's pop over to Jane and Daria sharing a pizza at the pizza shop while they discuss Ms. Li's latest scheme. And... [The Soundtrack-o-tron lights up again, and music again plays in the background.] Music: o/~ If you want to take my picture Cause I won't remember... Do you want to take my picture, Cause I won't remember... o/~ Mike: Okay, I guess that works. Crow: See? Okay, Daria's at her Aunt Miriam's funeral and we hear in the background... [Crow activates the Soundtrack-o-tron, which begins to play.] Music: o/~ I like it when the beat go (Dut dun, dut dun) Baby make your booty go (Dut dun, dut dun) Girl I know you wanna show (Dut dun, dut dun) That thong, th-thong-thong-thong o/~ Mike: Um,