Deconstructing Gumby

It all began on a rainy Sunday in June, 1974. I slept late, and only arrived when I did because I mistakenly thought it was Friday.

I overcame the bottle, kicked the diaper habit, had an early career as an archaeologist and tried to discover what was behind a loose piece of contact paper in the kitchen.

I dabbled in tattoos, however green is not my color. Lucky for me permanent marker eventually *does* wash off.

My obsession with Star Wars began early. This is my cousin and me on Halloween 1980

My first Star Wars thingy was a Ben "Obi-Wan" Kenobi folder that I would stare at for hours on end while listening to K-tel's rip off of Meco's disco Star Wars song. I think I was supposed to be learning math at the time.

Knowing there must be more to it than than a folder and cheesy music, I went to see one of those Star Wars films, The Empire Strikes Back, when I was 6. Of course then I had to know what it was the Empire was striking back for and that just started all sorts of problems.

Thanks to Kenner, I quickly ran out of space in my toy chest, and became great friends with the 12" Vintage Leia. Oh the adventures we had, eating Oreos and watching PBS until the wee hours... shopping for shoes... being mugged by children with Disney albums... cleaning the grout in the bathroom. *sigh*

It all ended in a love triangle. My dog also loved Leia. So, Leia went away for a little while. I flung myself into music. The dog took up chasing empty butter tubs.

After a while the dog (actually more of a blonde Wookie named Bob) also took up music and we played an awesome duet for two hands and a snout.

When I was 13, I fell into a vat of orange juice and seltzer, becoming the twisted creature you now see.

It was around then the headache started. It was a sort of ache, in my head.

The twin suns over my yards weren't helping any either. I'd go out with my binoculars, looking up at the skies, and my head would get all sunburned, so I did something I saw on tele, I knotted a hanky and put it on my head.

It was an unused hanky, out of my grandfather's drawers, he had jolly nice hankys.

After putting my glasses on, the headache went away. I also discovered we only had one sun here in this system. Who'd have guessed?

I met the cat one night in the swamp. He was sitting on a log and became interested in the cheese crackers I was eating. He also liked the flannel shirt I was wearing, but that's another story, unsuitable for family viewing. It wasn't so much of a swamp as the damp corner of my basement and it wasn't so much of a log as a pool table, but the cheese crackers were there.

Simon is descended from the cooler members of the Jedi Council. He does Master Poof's head wiggle, oozes funk like Master Windu and at times resembles Master Yoda.

As with all good Wookiees, my time with my own Leia-loving Bobby "Pookie Chocolate Chip Lovey Bear" came to an end too soon and shamefully he had a bad haircut at the time.

After consulting the cat, we went to NorthShore to find another dog, and boy, did we ever. A Gungan-Wookie Princess named Holly that shredded my spooky black hooded jacket, my pants and several other items I can't mention here.

After attempting to shred the cat, Holly and Simon formed an alliance. Maybe it was Simon's funky disco style, maybe it was Holly's double eyelashes, but they soon told me to piss off and took to birdwatching.

So all alone was I, with the newly rescued from the attic Leia doll, several dozen of her plastic friends and a computer. I went searching for a place to belong, and until I find it, I fuel my SW obsession with RASSM and ABSW. :)

Darth Gumby, October 2000

Since writing that never uploaded bio almost a year ago, I built a cabinet to house Leia and her friends, took part in two Sith Wars (well, more like 2.1.3), joined the Porkinites, got flamed, gained my own troll, had a .sig that found it's own fame, and took a proper official picture.
All of which I plan to detail at some point.
Gumby - 8/24/01