Mystery Usenet Theater 3000 Presents: Star Trek-The Next Generation/X-Men: 2nd Contact By Dan Abnett & Ian Edginton MiSTing by Matthew Blackwell, Bill Livingston, Peter Milan, Michael K. Neylon and Eric J. Schepers [Season 9 Intro] [The Interior of the Satellite of Love Mike stands before a television with a perplexed look on his face, randomly flipping through the channels. A voiceover begins.] MIKE: [v.o.] Captain's Log. Stardate: The not too distant future. Sunday, to be precise. In my continuing journey through the cosmos, I have seen many strange things. The singing stones of Ceti Omicron VII. The hyperintelligent sea slugs of Cestus III. "Pacific Blue." But I have never seen a sight such as this before. The television, a source of mirth and amusement to those of us on this voyage has suddenly become a foe. On every station, I find that the regular programming has been replaced by. . . something else. Here, where I expect to find "Seinfeld", I instead find "The Laff-a-lympics." Where I expect to see Drew Carey, I see Ally McBeal cavorting with the lawyers from The Practice. Another click of the remote and Fox Mulder is speaking to Detective Munch. Still another click, and I find an episode of Batman, guest starring the Green Hornet. Where "Baywatch" once stood proud, Johny Bravo confronts Scooby Doo. Even the mighty McLaughlin Group has been replaced by a cavorting Jay Sherman talking to Ranier Wolfcastle. Something is wrong, dreadfully wrong. It is as if the entire universe stands poised to wreak its vengence upon my crew and I... [Crow walks up to Mike.] CROW: Mike, what are you doing? MIKE: Practicing my heroic monologues. I've been taking some night classes. CROW: I thought that you were doing a smidgen of foreshadowing. [Shrugs] Are you about done? MIKE: I think so. CROW: Great! You can help Tom and I with our new project. [Mike and Crow cross the bridge to stand aside the command console.] MIKE: What's the project? TOM: It's a lame crossover involving Joel, Mulder, and Scully, but that's not important right now. MIKE: [Mike turns to Crow.] Crow? Can you answer me without using a smart aleck remark? CROW: Probably not. MIKE: Sigh. Let's try this again. What are you two doing? TOM: Well, we need some extra money, and since we've maxed out your credit cards... MIKE: What!? TOM: ...we've decided to milk some money out of the crucial fanboy market. CROW: Yep, they've got more money than they know what to do with. Heck, if we had fans, they could make a silly statue of us and sell it. TOM: Or we could put out a guide to all of the experiments that we've participated in, even though most of them have already seen all of them.. MIKE: Well, you could, but we don't have fans. We've got those 40 cases of unsold "You know you want me, baby!" T-shirts to prove it. CROW: Oh. Yeah. [An uncomfortable silence fills the room.] TOM: Anyway, we've decided to play upon the gullible sensibilities of the comic book fan... CROW: And the Star Trek fan... TOM: ...and the Star Trek fans. Most of the fans of both of these are guys... CROW: Lonely guys... TOM: ...extremely lonely guys... CROW: ...like Mike... MIKE: Watch it. TOM: ...who'll pay big money to even be near a girl. CROW: So, we're introducing these! [Crow removes a drop cloth covering the command console, revealing dozens of brightly colored figures.] TOM: It's the fanboy action figure series! [Mike picks up a silvery figure and begins to examine it.] TOM: [Continuing] We've taken every character that fanboys dream out and put them all in action figure form! CROW: There's Psylocke and Rogue! TOM: Dax and Deanna! CROW: Slave Girl Leia! TOM: Kei and Yuri! CROW: The entire Sailor Scouts! Inner *and* Outer! MIKE: [Still looking quizzically at the figure.] Who? CROW: Sailor Moon and her friends. MIKE: Oh. The blonde girl with the guns. TOM: Sigh. Not quite. Anyway...we've got Fairchild, Rainmaker, and Freefall! CROW: Gaiman's Death and her rival, Lady Death! MIKE: Guys, I'm sure that if I knew who any of these characters were, I'd be really thrilled that you're making action figures of them. [Mike seems to lose his train of thought, then speaks abruptly.] Is this supposed to be 7 of 9? CROW: Yep. MIKE: Why is she so, er,...? TOM: Undeveloped? MIKE: Yeah. CROW: It's because she's surrounded by these other fanboy fantasy girls. She's the least endowed of all of these figures. TOM: That gives you a good idea of the fanboy mentality, doesn't it? [Mike drops the figure onto the table and begins to wipe his hands on his jumpsuit.] MIKE: Ew. These are nice, I guess, but aren't there dozens of other companies making figures just like this? I mean, aside from the swelling in these figures' mammary glands, one four inch tall figure is just like another, right? TOM: But our figures won't be four inches tall! These are just prototypes. MIKE: Prototypes? CROW: You bet! The final product will be between five and six feet tall! [Mike puts his head in his hands and begins to shake his head,] MIKE: [Mumbling] I had a band. It would have been huge, I just know it. If only that yellowish duck thing hadn't talked me out of it... [Mike raises his head to discover the lights are flashing.] MIKE: I see that Kim Catrall, Andrew McCarthy and Meshach Taylor are calling. [He hits the light.] [Castle Forrester] [Pearl stands in the foreground. In the background, Bobo is shaking hands with a man dressed in business attire while Observer, surrounded by several people in similar outfits, is withdrawing stacks of money from a briefcase.] PEARL: Hi Mike! I've got some good news for you. I'm afraid that Bobo gave our copy of "Armageddon" to some passing gypsies in exchange for some magic beans. BOBO: Sorry! PEARL: Actually, we probably ended up with the better part of that deal. Anyway, I was just about to cancel the experiment when these wonderful people wandered by. They needed a test market, and we just happen to have one that's heavily dominated by males, age 24-36 and robots, aged 8-15. Coincidentally, that's just the market that they're shooting for! [SoL] CROW: Wow. They're really aiming for a niche market. [Castle Forrester] PEARL: So, in exchange for a boatload of cash, we'll be sending you "Second Contact." It's a comic book... [SoL] BOTS: Graph... MIKE: We've done that joke to death, guys. [Castle Forrester] PEARL: May I finish? It's called "Second Contact" and it's from Marvel Comics. [Bobo appears next to Pearl.] BOBO: It's about a really big ship and a pair of doomed lovers onboard it. PEARL: Actually, it's a crossover between Star Trek:The Next Generation, and the X-Men. Have fun! [SoL] [The trio stands in stunned silence, jaws agape.] TOM: A STNG/X-Men story? CROW: An *authorized* crossover? MIKE: Who are the X-Men? [The bots turn to stare at Mike.] CROW: Are you serious? MIKE: Well, yes. TOM: Mike, did you grow up in a cave? MIKE: No, I grew up in Wisconsin. CROW: Close enough. TOM: They're the most popular team of superheroes! Ever! MIKE: Oh, so Superman and Batman will be in this then? [Crow and Tom shake their heads.] CROW: Wrong company. [The lights begin to flash.] MIKE: Look, you can explain it later. Right now, we've got Comic Sign!!!!!! [Mike hits the light. The doors open as the trio rushes wildly about. ] [6 . . .5 . . .4 . . .3 . . .2 . . .1 . . .] [The trio enters. Mike carries Tom to his seat and places him down.] MIKE: No really, who are they? Are they the arch foes of the Y-Men? CROW: No Mike. MIKE: Do they hang around Riverdale High? TOM: Mike, just read the comic and stop asking us questions, okay? MIKE: Okay, okay. > > >Marvel Comics and Paramount Pictures Present: TOM: Cash Cow! The movie! >Star Trek: The Next Generation /X-Men CROW: Not a dream! Not a hoax! Not an imaginary story! >Second Contact MIKE: So who's the Second Contact? CROW: No, Who's the First Contact. What's the Second Contact! MIKE: Then why's the shortstop? CROW: I don't know. ALL: THIRD BASE! >Special 64 page Issue! TOM: And only at three times the regular cover price! >Abnett/Edinton/Nord/Koblish > TOM: Oh, _no_. Not Abnett & Edginton! They stink! MIKE: Hey, be nice. TOM: I will not! They're the ones who helped turn Iron Man into a freakin' _teenager_! CROW: _They_ did that? TOM: Them and Terry Kavanagh! CROW: Wait, I thought that Ron Marz did that. TOM: No, he made Green Lantern into a teenager. CROW: Wasn't that James Robinson? TOM: No, he replaced Starman with an angst filled Gen-Xer. CROW: Didn't Chris Clairemont. . .? TOM: No, he turned Magneto into a baby. CROW: Oh. MIKE: Wait, so who turned Bulk and Skull into chimpanzees? [Tom and Crow stare at Mike.] TOM: Mike, please try to keep up with us, okay? >[Gatefold] > CROW: Brandi's turn-offs are cold days, nipple rings, and Star Trek crossovers. MIKE: _Gate_fold. Gate. >Captain Jean-Luc Picard CROW: a.k.a. "Captain Cueball." >As captain of the newest incarnation of the legendary starship >U.S.S. ENTERPRISE, CROW: I heard that in it's past life, the Enterprise was a slug. MIKE: Really? CROW: S'true! Read it on the internet! > Picard has assumed command of the flagship of >the Federation. TOM: Jean-Luc has learned well from his daughter, I see... MIKE: I guess he doesn't know that when you "assume" command, you make an ass out of "u" and command. > His Starfleet service record is filled with >commendations as well as tragedy; CROW: And for some reason, he could never get "Bedwetting" off his record. > from saving the universe to >being assimilated by the Borg, Picard has preferred to talk >instead of fight MIKE: Well, there's an understatement. > but has proven his mettle on many occasions. > CROW: He's also known for his work in the theater. >Cmdr. William T. Riker >The only son of Starfleet civilian advisor Kyle Riker, TOM: At least it isn’t Kyle Rayner. CROW: DC wouldn’t do something like this. TOM: Yeah, they’d just crank out more Batman movies. MIKE: Hey! Oh wait. I hated the last three of those. > Will >entered Starfleet with dreams of exploration and discovery, and MIKE: Has failed miserably, using his unctuous charm to seduce the more dimwitted crew members. >he has yet to look back. As first officer, his job is not only to >support the captain but, MIKE: To seek out hot babes! > if such an event warrants, take command. TOM: Even though the very notion of such a thing fills him with bone-chilling fear. >His no-nonsense approach and deep sense of responsibility have >earned him the respect of those who serve with him. > CROW: Except for most of the command staff... and the female portion of the crew, ... and basically everyone else on the Enterprise. MIKE: Barclay probably still looks up to him! CROW: As I *said*, Mike, basically everyone else... >Cmdr. Data >An android with a positronic brain, he was acknowledged to by >Starfleet to be a sentient life form. TOM: Of course, Starfleet also recognizes gibbons, elephant's foot umbrella stands, and over half the agents in Hollywood as "sentient life forms", so it's not that big a deal. > Data is always striving to >understand more and experience what it is to be human. MIKE: Well then, just rip your heart out and put it in a blender, and then you'll have a pretty good idea. CROW: Mike, not everyone was dumped as much as you were. > To achieve >that end, he installed an experimental emotion chip created by >Dr. Noonian ALL: (severally) NnnnnnOONIAN! NOONIAN! NnnnOONIAN! > Soong, the man who built him. Data is now contending >with a myriad of sensations and emotions as he performs his >duties as science and operations officer. > CROW: The sex wasn’t bad either! MIKE: Crow, he's scored twice in ten years. Even I'm doing better than that, and I'm stuck on a space station. >Cmdr. Deanna Troi >The daughter of a human father and Betazoid mother, Deanna has >acute empathic abilities TOM: [as Dot Warner] Hey, I'm the acute one! > and has used this gift to serve as TOM: The main reason for 13-26 years olds to watch the show. >ship's counselor. TOM: Her likes include: chocolate, cheesy romance novels, Klingons, and big fuzzy rabbit slippers. Crow: Her dislikes are: Barclay, Wesley, Riker, etc. > Having received a promotion to her new rank >she has begun to assume more official duties on the U.S.S. >ENTERPRISE, quite a welcome difference from her almost civilian >previous status. > TOM: [Troi] Get me some chocolate, Ensign. MIKE: But ma'am. . . TOM: [Troi] YOU DARE QUESTION MY ORDERS, ENSIGN SCUM?! >Dr. Beverly Crusher >As chief medical officer, she is responsible for the health of >over 800 crew members. MIKE: However, if you're one of those crewmembers beyond 800... TOM: [Crusher] Sorry, I can't help you put your intestines back in your stomach. You're crew member #801. > Unfortunately, even though she's a healer, MIKE: She's begun to think of herself as the angel of death. >loss seems to be a part of her life; CROW: She never knew how to stay on an 18, and lost her life savings in Atlantic City. > her husband Jack died while >serving under Jean-Luc Picard during his first command and her >son Wesley has chosen to explore time and space with the being >known only as Traveler. > MIKE: A mysterious omnidimensional entity who sells insurance. TOM: You know, Wes, if you really wanted to annoy your mother, you could have just gone to art school. >Lt. Cmdr. Geordi LaForge CROW: Geordi didn’t get promoted? He’s the one character I almost sorta liked! >Born blind, Geordi was fitted with a prosthetic device called a >VISOR that permitted him to see in ways far beyond normal sight. CROW: The 24th century equivalent of X-Ray Specs! >He has since undergone a radical CROW: RADICAL! TOM: EXTREME! MIKE: SUUUUUURGE! > operation that provided him with >ocular implants based on VISOR technology. CROW: So no more calling him "barrette-face". > He serves aboard the >U.S.S. ENTERPRISE as her chief of engineering. > MIKE: And teaches us that reading is a FANTASY of WHIMSY and WONDER... TOM: Something tells me that he and Cyclops are going to hit it off real well. >Lt. Cmdr. Worf >The first Klingon in Starfleet, Worf served aboard the U.S.S. >Enterprise NCC-1701-D as tactical officer. MIKE: His likes include: prune juice, Klingon values, and ancient symbiotes. TOM: [angrily] Hey! Dax is not ancient! CROW: Down boy, he was referring to her Trill! > He has since been >assigned to station Deep Space Nine as TOM: ...a desperate bid for ratings. > strategic operations >officer to serve as a liaison between the Federation and the >Klingon Empire when hostilities between the two powers were >renewed. TOM: Translation: He does whatever he used to do on the Enterprise. > He temporarily rejoined the Enterprise crew after the >Borg damaged his ship, the Defiant. > CROW: And _not_ because they needed a good excuse to have him in First Contact. TOM & MIKE: No no no no no...(et al) >The Borg MIKE: The story of that wacky couple, Bjorn & Veda Ann. >An immensely powerful civilization of enhanced humanoids linked >as one collective from the Delta Quadrant of the galaxy. TOM: Their mission: avoid Captain Janeway before she gets her claws into any more of them. > The Borg >implant themselves with cybernetic devices, giving them great >technological and combat capabilities. > CROW: Such as designing extremely form-fitting uniforms to distract the opponent. MIKE: [deadpan] Crow. CROW: ...You don't really care, do you? MIKE: Not really. It's in my contract to say it, though. >Wolverine >a.k.a. LOGAN, the seemingly ageless former X-Man possesses >genetically endowed animal-keen senses, a healing factor and a >set of razor-sharp, retractable bone claws. > TOM: He's the best there is at what he does...and oddly enough, what he does best is macrame! CROW: I better dust off my Canadian jokes... >Storm >Orphaned as a child, ORORO MUNROE was raised in the streets and >back alleys of Cairo, CROW: Where she quickly learned, Mime doesn’t pay. > where she learned to rely on her wits and >courage to survive. After her mutant ability to command the >forces of weather manifested, MIKE: She was immediately blamed for all the problems caused by El Nino. > she was exalted as a goddess in >Africa before PROFESSOR CHARLES XAVIER TOM: We heard ya! Yeesh... > recruited her to help save >a world that would look down upon her as less than human. > MIKE: In the X-Men's world, mutants are only a step above comic book writers. >Angel >a.k.a. WARREN WORTHINGTON, Archangel faces the dual lifestyle of TOM: Saaaaaay! CROW: I always had a feeling about him... MIKE: Stop that. >millionaire playboy and high flying mutant. MIKE: By day, Millionaire playboy, by night he becomes - Agen... SERVO: You're doin' the other guy's schtick. MIKE: Oops! > Recently, the >metallic wings granted him by APOCALYPSE molted, revealing his CROW: Soft, pink underbelly. >original feathered wings underneath. MIKE: Um, is it normal in comic books for metal wings to molt or become feathers? TOM: [Sigh] Only in Marvel. > As he reaches a crux point >in the direction of his life, he must now question the love he >shares with PSYLOCKE. > TOM: Hath not a mutant eyes? If you prick her, doth she not bleed? If you turn her into a ninja, doth she not dress in skin-tight Lycra? CROW: [To Mike] You see, Psylocke is a deadly Oriental Warrior Woman who's really a quiet reserved English girl. MIKE: So then, she's Julia Sawalha, trapped in the body of Michelle Yeoh? >Nightcrawler TOM: Once a struggling young college student, young Kurt Wagner was bitten by a radioactive nightcrawler during a science project, gaining its powers. Now, he uses those powers to fight crime as the Neato-riffic Nightcrawler! >Born with the mutant ability to teleport short distances, stick >to walls and ceilings, MIKE: Hey, Dave Lettermen used to do that all the time. CROW: Thanks to the Wall of Velcro (TM)! > and turn virtually invisible when in deep >shadows, MIKE: So, how is turning invisible when in the dark considered to be a superpower? CROW: Just trust us on this one. > the German-born Kurt Wagner is the blue-skinned leader >of Excalibur. > CROW: So, basically, no one's been paying any attention to him for... has it been *three* years since Warren Ellis left? >Kitty Pryde TOM: Isn't that a brand of cat litter? >American -born Kitty Pryde CROW: The Pryde, er Pride of Minnesota! > has the mutant ability to turn her >body intangible and walk on air with but a thought. MIKE: Believe it or not. TOM: I bet she never thought she could feel so free. > Trained in >the ways of the Samurai and the ninja, [Mike begins to speak.] CROW: Please don't ask. [Mike shrugs, and the story continues.] > Shadowcat's physical >prowess is balanced by her brilliant mind and her formal X-Man >training. > TOM: And her ability to be mentioned in Weezer songs. >Colossus ALL: The Forbin Project! >The Russian mutant born Piotr Rasputin is the powerhouse of >Excalibur. CROW: So King Arthur's sword took 6 'AA' batteries? > His artistic heart is masked by his cold, hard >exterior, as Colossus has the ability to transform his flesh and >blood into a form of impervious organic steel! > MIKE: He's also the four time winner of Hawaiian Tropic's Hard Body competition. Cause, he's made of steel... >Banshee >Irish native SEAN CASSIDY has dedicated his life to teaching >young mutants how to live with and employ their fantastic powers. CROW: That, and perpetuating every Irish stereotype known to man. >Banshee's own genetic gift is that of a "sonic scream" that can >shatter objects, enable him to fly, and induce unconsciousness in >others- all depending on the intensity of the sound. > MIKE: I heard he and the Spice Girls had a powerlunch. CROW: Really? Well good for them, they might need a singer. >Kang CROW: Kang, kang, kang, kang, blame, blame, blame... >Born on an alternate reality Earth in the 30th century, the man >who would be Kang TOM: ...first tried to join the Legion as Kid Kang. However, after a quick tour of duty with the Substitutes, he. . . > felt discontent and set out for conquest and >adventure through time. TOM: There's no relationship to Doctor Who here. MIKE: Are you sure? TOM: Yes, positively. > Often a foe of the Avengers, MIKE: He was frequently beaten senseless by John Steed's umbrella. > what he >desires most is to be the master of Time. > MIKE: But he still won't be Master of his own domain. TOM: Or the King of the Castle either. >The Sentinels CROW: They're giant robots who use their enhanced senses to fight crime! Wednesdays! Just after Voyager! >The Sentinels are large robots designed to locate and either >capture or kill superhuman mutants. > MIKE: A short, concise description. Someone must have ghost written this part. >Thunderbolts MIKE: Never hit the same place twice. >Villains disguised as heroes, Baron V, Atlas, Meteorite, Techno, >M.A.C.H. 1, and Songbird, have plans of world domination. > TOM: D'oh! HEY! Have you ever heard of spoiler warnings?! CROW: Still, it's cool that they're in this! TOM: Agreed. MIKE: What? Who are they? CROW: They're another superhero team. TOM: Except they're villains. CROW: But now they're heroes again. TOM: Except for Baron...waitasec. Baron V? "Baron V"?! Can't Marvel even get its own characters' names right? MIKE: For professional writers, those sure sound like cruddy names. >Star Trek: The Next Generation/X-Men > MIKE: And now, our story. CROW: The next generation of X-Men? TOM: That'd be the New Mutants, right? CROW: I think it's actually Generation X. MIKE: Billy Idol's old band? >On Stardate 50893.5, the Borg launched another attack against the >Federation. They invaded our Solar System and were almost >successful but were repulsed by TOM: Bobcat's Big-Ass Show? MIKE: I kinda doubt it. TOM: Well, it repulses me. > the intervention of the U.S.S. >Enterprise-E. MIKE: Oh my God! The Enterprise is intervening! I'm gonna be SICK! > As the Borg cube exploded, a spherical ship was >launched. CROW: Square hole, round peg. I sense someone's not got all their marbles here. > This ship headed toward Earth and was followed by the >ENTERPRISE. MIKE: You know, I think I’ve seen this before.... > As both ships neared Earth, the Borg sphere emanated >chroniton particles and went back in time, TOM: Ah, the Star Trek universe, where time travel am easy as pie. > but the ENTERPRISE >continued pursuit. > MIKE: And footage for "World's Scariest Police Chases 45" continues... >Back in the 22nd century the Borg tried to change history by >stopping the first warp drive ship from launching. This launch >would bring Earth to the attention of another space-faring race, MIKE: The Centauri? CROW: The Tenctonese? TOM: That planet Dennis Rodman's from? >the Vulcans, and bring a new age to war-torn Earth. CROW: The Earth's last hope was Babylon...uh...never mind. > Captain >Picard stopped the Borg threat and after First Contact was made TOM: Trekkies lined up to see it. >the ENTERPRISE attempted to return to the 24th century. > >It is one minute later. . . > CROW: It is one minute and one second later... It is one minute and two seconds later... TOM: Trekkies are spilling out of theaters, complaining about Doctor Selar and Robin Lefler not being in the film... >[Page 1] >[Picard, Riker, Troi, and Worf sit at their respective stations. MIKE: Picard on lead, Riker on bass, Worf at the drums, and Troi on vocals - Ladies and gentlemen, may I present, The Smashing Pumpkins! >Data sits in the foreground, his face still partially worn away >by his battles with the Borg Queen.] CROW: It's Brent Spiner and Alice Krige in "The Lockhorns: The Motion Picture"! >Captain's Log. >April 5th 2063. . .or thereabouts. MIKE: [as Picard] After traveling through time as much as I have, you just don’t care anymore. >The Borg have been destroyed. CROW: Every last one of ‘em. MIKE: Well, except for the ones who keep popping up on Voyager. > Their attempt to divert the course >of human history thwarted. . .at no small cost to ourselves. MIKE: [Picard] We had to off that Jadzia chick, but she's not on our show anyway, so she's expendable. >However, Zefram Cochrane did succeed in making his pioneering >warp space flight.* CROW: Then he retired and started raising talking pigs. >[*As seen in the film Star Trek: First Contact- Tim] MIKE: Thanks Tim! CROW: Gasp! Product placement! TOM: You're just noticing it now? > >We are now attempting to return to our own time, a hazardous >journey into the unknown itself, but this is a fine ship and a >sterling crew. I could ask for no better. > MIKE: [Picard] Of course, we lost a good number that were converted into Borg. Oh, and most of Engineering and the middle decks are converted Borg technology. But we should be ok for such complex and detailed time travel calculations. >PICARD: Report, Mister Data. > CROW: [Data] Ahem. Moby Dick is the story of a bunch of guys who decide to hunt a big white whale. . . >DATA: Structural torque integrity is 150% above > design parameters. . CROW: Huh? Explain that! > We are rapidly decelerating out of the > Time Displacement Field. . . > MIKE: [Data] So if time starts going wonky again, don’t look at me. >[Page 2-3 Two page spread showing the Enterpise-E zooming above >the Earth.] > MIKE: "I Can't Believe It's Not The Enterprise" spread! >"Second Contact" >Dan Abnett& Ian Edginton- Writers CROW: AAAAAAH!!!! It's starting over! MIKE: It's just like that episode where the Enterprise keeps exploding! >Cary Nord- Penciler TOM: Cary Nord, inventor of the Nordic Track. >Scott Koblish- Inker MIKE: I'm feeling kind of Koblish today, myself. CROW: Probably something you ate. >John Kalisz- Colors TOM: With Robert Duvalle and Sean Penn. >Chris Eliopoulous- Letters MIKE: Hey, it's Big Bird's imaginary friend! >Chip Carter- Paramount Liaison MIKE: That's the guy who created the X-Files, right? CROW: No Mike. MIKE: Oh. He was the character from Max Headroom then, right? TOM: Mike, maybe you should take a nap. >Juilo Soto- Assistant Editor CROW: Talisa's brother! >Timoty Tuohy- Editor MIKE: You know, with that last name, he's probably been picked on enough in his life. Next credit! >Bob Harras- Editor in Chief BOTS: BOOOOOOO! MIKE: What's your problem with him? CROW: It'd take too long to explain. >Special thanks to Dave Rossi > >Data: . . .dropping out of warp. . .slowing to one-quarter > impulse. [pause] MIKE: [Picard] Go on. We’re waiting.... > Captain, sensors are unable to detect > the usual Earth com traffic on any of the standard > Federation frequencies. TOM: The unusual frequencies are pumping out a nice salsa beat though. > Judging by the atmospheric > pollution and distribution of continental urbanization, > this is not our Earth. > TOM: [Data] Sensors indicate that this planet is controlled by sentient muffins, Captain. Whoops! I was looking at the Sci-Fi channel. This *is* our Earth. My mistake. >[Data stares ahead] MIKE: [Data] John Laroquette as Basil Fawlty? What were they thinking? >Data: Borg damage to the main deflector dish may have caused > a reverse warp in the temporal vortex. . . pulling us > back instead of forwards. We are currently orbiting > Earth circa late 1990's. > CROW: As long as they don't try to dock with Mir, they should be ok. > >[Picard and Riker stare towards the viewscreen] CROW: [Riker] I wonder if Engineering installed DSS on that thing? >RIKER: Here we go again. ALL: Wha wha whaaaaa..... >PICARD: Number One! CROW: Gee Mike. He kinda sounds like you. >RIKER: Sorry, sir. > MIKE: [Picard] No more witty rejoinders from you! >[* This story takes place before events chronicled in X-Men "Zero >Tolerance," Heroes Return and Thunderbolts #10.- Continuity Chief >Tim] > [All snicker] TOM: A plotline that only JMS can appricate! Great! >[Page 4] > TOM: [Paul Harvey] Good DAY! >[Later. . .] TOM: Well, that scene was useless. >[The Crew sits around the briefing room table] MIKE: [Picard] Me? Oh, I prefer boxers. Whoops! We're broadcasting! >PICARD: What's our status? CROW: [Riker] Well, our hull's 50% stronger than normal, we’re in the wrong time, and Troi still won’t give me the time of day. TOM: [Data] And I believe that we are still cancelled, sir. >RIKER: We've engaged stealth mode, the ship's invisible to > electronic detection if anyone makes a visual > search. . . >LAFORGE: That's the least of our problems. . . TOM: Yep. Berman's still running the franchise, they're planning on writing Troi out of the show and replacing her with Jenny McCarthy. Wheaton's out robbing banks, and they're discussing doing that "Starfleet Academy" show starring Marrissa. . . > > >[Closeup on Geordi] ALL: EXTREME CLOSEUP!! >LAFORGE: After ejecting the deflector dish housing to stop > the Borg calling home with their interplexing > beacon,(*)the array's processing core fused. MIKE: [Picard] Have you tried rebooting the network? That usually fixes the problem. >[*-Again, First Contact-Tim] MIKE: Is this a subtle hint to "RENT OR BUY FIRST CONTACT NOW"? >LAFORGE: We're lucky to have gotten this far. We need to > replace the core. > CROW: Yep. The mechanic says that there's something wrong with the hapenstat generator and the flugel valve. >[Closeup on Beverly Crusher] CROW: You have some spinach, right here..... >CRUSHER: But Earth at this time is even more primitive than > the one we just left. TOM: [Crusher] I mean, yeesh, they only have two dimensional television! How gauche! > It can't possibly have that > kind of technology. > > TOM: Yeah, they were so primitive that odd cults formed around niche-audience sci-fi shows. MIKE: Hey, Tom, there's a kettle up on the bridge you can call black when we're done here. >[Riker holds up a tricorder.] CROW: [Riker] Now, who can tell me what this is? >RIKER: Strangely, Doctor, it does. Long range scans identify > *two* locations in continental North America, where > just such technology exists. . . MIKE: Deep 13 is one.... TOM: Huh? MIKE: Well, during the audit, I noticed that Dr. F. had an old warp core in Deep 13 that he was using to prop up a table. But that's probably not important. > . . .it's Shi'ar derived, which begs the question. TOM: [as Riker] Now how much will you pay? > What's it doing here on Pre-Contact Earth? > CROW: OH, SHUT UP! YOU'RE NOT IN MARVEL CONTINUITY! IN A FEW YEARS, MARVEL'S LICENSE IS GONNA EXPIRE AND THIS WHOLE THING WILL BE RETCONNED! MIKE: Steady on... >[Page 5] > >[Closeup on Troi] MIKE: WOW! Oh, wait, it's on her face, never mind... >TROI: It's really a moot point. We can't go home without it CROW: [Troi] Oh, and Engineering says that we can't go home without at least 10 kilos of chocolates. And not the raspberry filled ones. I...er, they can't stand them. > and since we shouldn't be here in the first place, we > may consider it fair game. > TOM: [Riker] So, remember, don't step on any butterflies! >[Panel 2] >[Picard in closeup] TOM: Oddly enough, they're showing _his_ chest. >PICARD: Agreed. We must also keep a low profile. Our > presence here could jeopardize this time line as > much as the Borg tried to. MIKE: Most likely more... > [Pause] MIKE: [Picard] Stay calm, maintain, ignore this terrible drug... > Two away teams > will beam down to the surface one to each location, > appropriately disguised of course. . . especially > you two, Mister Worf, Mister Data. MIKE: Good. Even though there are 800 *other* people aboard, and the time stream's at serious risk, Picard's going to send an android and a Klingon down to 20th century Earth. CROW: Well, as long as they beam into the middle of a Star Trek convention, there shouldn't be any problems. >DATA: Aye, sir. >PICARD: Anything Else? TOM: [Data] Well, we've seemed to have lost a fourth of the crew when the Borg took over, and Engineering and the decks around it are still in control of the Borg technology. We've lost our deflector dish, and the Holodeck will be offline to fix the problems that you gave it. MIKE: [Picard, terse] Is that it? TOM: [Data] Oh, yes - we can't repair those little ship models. MIKE: [Picard] OH NO!! NOT THE SHIPS!! >DATA: Sir, despite initial appearances, we will need to be > wary. . . > MIKE: And wily. And wooly. And-- TOM: That's enough. >[Page 6] >[The skyscrapers of New York City loom on the horizon.] TOM: They're sick and tired of getting beaten on by meteorites and tidal waves and giant hermaphroditic reptiles! Now they're PISSED! >DATA: [OS] . . . this is a dangerous and extremely > unpredictable era. MIKE: What with El Nino and all. CROW: He’s still on that one line? >[Three people materialize in an alley, accompanied by the hum of >a transporter beam. CROW: Yeah, yeah, "So the android says, 'My programming comes on floppy disks'." We've heard this one before. > Worf, Crusher, and Riker appear dressed in >contemporary clothing. MIKE: Meaning, dorky. > Riker wears slacks and a white, collared >shirt. MIKE: Please, don't have Riker launch into a GAP ad! > Beverly wears a blouse and jeans, CROW: Yep. That stop action swing dance should be starting up any second now. > and Worf's muscular body >is barely contained in an olive green t-shirt and jeans. TOM: Ew. CROW: I think someone has a crush on Worf! MIKE: Yes, his disguise of wearing a T-Shirt saying "I'm not an alien!" is working perfectly. > A >baseball cap obscures his face.] MIKE: Shipfitting probably gave him the one that reads "SH** Happens!" >WORF: These. . .jeans. . .are a most uncomfortable garment! CROW: [Worf] The earth garment known as a "kilt" was more to my liking. >RIKER: But the hat's really you! MIKE: Yes, it really matches his eyes doesn’t it? CROW: What we can see of them anyway. TOM: Oh, I can just see it now: Gangsta Klingons! >CRUSHER: If you boys are finished, I'm picking up an energy > trace. . . > TOM: Hmm. I thought Trace was in LA... MIKE: Shh. You're blowing our suspension of disbelief here. >[Page 7] > >RIKER+WORF: [Together] Boys? MIKE: ...on the side? CROW: ...do fall in love? TOM: ...who like girls who like boys who like girls? >CRUSHER: . . .it's coming from over there. CROW: [Jimbo] AND IT'S COMING RIGHT FOR US! >[The trio stares at a large building, topped with a lightning >bolt emblazoned in a circle.] MIKE: Ah, the New York offices of the Hitler Building! TOM: The set of MTV News 1515? Well, this explains a lot! >CRUSHER: According to the tricorder's record log, it's > called the Baxter building. CROW: NO, IT'S NOT! IT'S CALLED FOUR FREEDOMS PLAZA, YOU SWINE! TOM: Relax, Crow! CROW: But Tom! The precious continuity! TOM: It'll be okay... >WORF: Commander, shouldn't Earth be in the midst of the > Eugenics War at this time? MIKE: Damn humans! Can't they even show up for a war on time?! BOTS: Yeah! >RIKER: It should be. . . Maybe someone called a truce? TOM: Well, either that, or Clinton wasn't reelected. >CRUSHER: Will, something's happening. Over there, look!! TOM: Oh my god! It’s Jerry Springer! >[Seven brightly costumed beings, CROW: Oh no! They're being attached by the combined forces of the Barney and Little Bop, the Teletubbies, and Ronald McDonald! RUN! > the Thunderbolts, descend in >front of the Baxter building.] BOTS: WOOHOO! MIKE: The Baxter Building. A convenient location for all your banking needs. >RIKER: We may have to rethink our tactics here. . . > CROW: Actually, our tactic of blasting them still seems to work pretty well. TOM: Time to go guys... [They exit.] [1 . . .2 . . . 3 . . . 4 . . . 5 . . . 6 . . . ] [The Bridge of the Satellite. Mike, Tom, and Crow stand behind the command console.] MIKE: Well. Star Trek and the X-Men, huh? TOM: Sheesh. A glorified fanfic that the fanboys were duped into paying $4.95 for. Makes me sad. CROW: Yeah, but at least it had that cameo from the Thunderbolts! I bet if Kurt Busiek was writing this, it'd be a whole lot better! MIKE: Kurt Busiek? That guy who wrote "Clash of Titans" in _Newer York_? That was a good story, but not as good as "Let Me Call You Sweetheart." CROW: Mike, do you have anything in that brain of yours even remotely resembling a clue? TOM: Anyway...If Kurt was writing it, it'd probably be a big space epic featuring the Skrulls and the Kree and the Sh'iar, with the Enterprise caught in the middle! CROW: And yet, Kurt would take time out to center on the characters! Their hopes, their fears, what drives them... MIKE: o/~ New York, London, Paris, Munich! Everybody talking ‘bout Kurt Busiek! o/~ CROW: ...he might even be able to write a satisfactory reason as to why the Enterprise was even in this story. TOM: Yeah! And he might even write a few scenes for Troi and Crusher! CROW: Well, he's not a miracle worker, Tom. TOM: Or he might take it in another direction and make it a psychological thriller, with the X-Men finding out that the Enterprise was created with the same technology as the Sentinels, and Gene Roddenberry's utopia is built on the blood of the slaughtered mutant populace! MIKE: o/~ Kurt! Kurt! Kurt Busiek! o/~ [Tom turns towards Mike. A hidden compartment opens on Servo’s chassis, and a twin tined fork extends from the compartment. A bolt of electricity sparks between Servo and Mike, and Mike goes down like Billy Ray Cyrus’ career.]CROW: Cool. Where’d you get that? TOM: Artoo had a yard sale. CROW: Ah. Um. . .where were we? TOM: Kurt Busiek, Sentinels, Star Trek. CROW: Right. Ooh! Or, or, he might tell the whole story from the point of view of a Tribble! A Tribble who offers insights into the crew and the X-Men's personalities! MIKE: [Rising groggily]. Ow. Um, couldn’t there be a down side to having this guy write this thing? TOM: Like what? CROW: He’s right. In Kurt’s hands, the villain would probably be Man-Mountain Marko or something like that. TOM: Oh, yeah, that's true. CROW: Still, it'd be better than this stinkburger. [The lights begin to flash.] TOM: What if Peter David wrote it? MIKE: Too many Little Mermaid references. TOM: Oh, now you're just being mean... MIKE: We'll discuss that later. Right now, we've got comic sign! [Mike hits the light and the three rush about wildly. The door sequence begins.] [1. . . 2 . . .3. . .4 . . .5. . . 6. . .] [The trio enters the theater.] CROW: Say Mike? How’d you know about Peter David? MIKE: I read _The Siege_. We went over this in "Enterprized," Remember? TOM: "Enterprized"? Brrrr. MIKE: Oops. Sorry. No more Ratliff remarks, I swear. >[Page 8] >[The Enterprise] CROW: WHAT?! TOM: What about the Thunderbolts?! MIKE: I think that was it. >PICARD: . . .in costumes? MIKE: [Picard] Say, were any of them dressed like French Maids? > Curious? Very well, Number One. > Return to the ship. We'll see how the other team > fares before changing strategy. BOTS: BOOOOOOO! WE WANT THUNDERBOLTS! WE WANT THUNDERBOLTS! MIKE: [Riker] Other team? What other team? >[The scene changes to a mansion in the rural part of New York >State.] CROW: Meanwhile, in stately Wayne Manor... >Westchester, New York. >[Inside the mansion, Nightcrawler, Angel, Storm, Wolverine, >Kitty, Banshee and Colossus sit in a parlor chatting with each >other.] CROW: So I said to Madge the other day, I said, "Gee, I bet mutants are innnnnnnnnteresting--" >BANSHEE: Y'know, we should do this more often. MIKE: [Banhsee] Tupperware parties are so much FUN! > The only time > we seem to get together anymore is when there's > some sort of crisis loomin'. TOM: [Banshee] Or yarnin’, or stitchin’, or.... MIKE: [Banshee] And look! We're all together right now! Feel that approaching doom comin'? > Whatever happened to > just sittin' and chattin' and being amongst > friends? TOM: You're not gettin' my Bud Light, Banshee. >WOLVERNE: Speak for y'self Irish. MIKE: [whispering] He calls him that because he's Irish. TOM: Thanks for the info. > Lookin' at that mug o' > yours an' listenin' to that chipper brogue more MIKE: Because he's Irish. TOM: I got it. > than once or twice a year ain't exactly high on my > wish list! > CROW: [Wolverine] I wanted a pony! >[Page 9] >KITTY: Now, now, boys, if you can't play nice don't play at > all. . . >WOLVERINE+BANSHEE: [Together] Boys? CROW: Oh no - parallelism! I sense a poor crossover about to happen! >KITTY: . . .and for your information, Logan, I enjoy > reminiscing about the old days. TOM: [Kitty] When Claremont was writing us and our stories made sense. >WOLVERINE: Yeah? Well, I got me more past than most folks, > some I don't wanna remember. It's the future I > care about. MIKE: [drunk] I'm like that whatsisname there, that Bucky Minister Fullpants. >STORM: And what do you think the future holds for you? CROW: About twenty guest appearances in the next three months alone! >WOLVERINE: Another beer, 'ro. TOM: So Wolverine is played by George Wendt? >STORM: You may make light of it, Logan, but as you know as > well as I, the future is a treacherous path. . . CROW: For in the future lies... Liefield and Raab. >[The view shifts to the darkened hallway outside the parlor where >Data, LaForge and Troi are hiding in the shadows.] MIKE: Ah, yes; Starfleet has been reduced to stalking and spying. TOM: That or it’s a surprise party. >STORM: [OS] Uncertainty lies around every corner. CROW: As does a Starbucks. >LAFORGE: I'm picking up an anomalous energy signature. > [pause] It's close, real close. ALL: *Too* real close. > This way. . . > TOM: To the great egress! CROW: [Troi] Geordi, my breasts are NOT an anomalous energy signature! >[Page 10] >[The Away team is a small spec against a tower of green energy] CROW: [dumb] Purty.... >LAFORGE: Wow. . . MIKE: That's Federation Standard for "Purty." >DATA: I believe a voluble expletive is customary at this > juncture? CROW: If that means "We're screwed", then yeah. >LAFORGE: You can say that again. >DATA: I believe a voluble . . . ALL: Waa-waa-waa-waaaaaa. >TROI: Data, shush! TOM: You too, Penfold. >DATA: Yes, counselor. MIKE: The lackluster sequel to "Yes, Prime Minister." >[Troi grasps her head, as if in pain.] MIKE: Comedy sequences...too lame to be endured! Brain...rebels! >TROI: [Quietly] Oh. . .something. [Quickly] MIKE: A gopher! CROW: A David Mamet play! SERVO: A can of paint! CROW: Corn Flakes! TOM: True Love! MIKE: Your 1998 Alabama Crimson Tide! TOM: A signed copy of "Dangerous Visions"! MIKE: Two tickets to paradise! TOM: A thing your aunt gave you that you don't know what it is! CROW: A new TV series with Pauly Shore! >[Geordi opens a panel, oblivious to Troi.] MIKE: Somewhat like the writers were. >LAFORGE: The reading's strongest here, somewhere behind this > panel. . . gotcha! TOM: So... all they've been looking for is a cockroach? >[A pair of single claws extend, with an accompanying "snikt", >bracketing Geordi's head.] CROW: So, I'm guessing, it would look like this: [ |-) ] Right? MIKE: Ha-ha, very funny. >WOLVERINE: [OS] That's my line, Bub! > CROW: I thought his line was "I'm the best there is at what I do." TOM: Don't analyze it. >[Page 11] >[Wolverine moves into view as Geordi raises his hands in >surrender.] MIKE: Not in the face! Not in the face! >WOLVERINE: One false move, I pop my middle claw an' you're > shish kebab, get it? CROW: Shish kebab? Yeah. >LAFORGE: Absolutely! Perfectly! Definitely! CROW: Truly, Madly, Deeply? TOM: o/~ I want to stand with you on the mountain...o/~ MIKE: Tom, please don't sing that song. TOM: By the way, I learned all those big words from Reading Rainbow... >[Wolverine begins to react as Data places a hand on his >shoulder.] TOM: Remember, gentle pressure. MIKE: Yea, you could get your eyes poked out with those claws! >WOLVERINE: Hey! TOM: Ho. MIKE: Let's go. >[Data throw Wolverine across the room, where he lands with a >"Whuup!"] MIKE: Yup, Data "whuuped" him. TOM: Yeah, he really opened a can of ‘whuup’ass on him. >DATA: I am sorry, but your course of action leaves me no > other choice. MIKE: [Data] I must now show you my Henry Kissinger impression. >COLOSSUS: [OS] That was not very friendly. TOM: [Data] Hey, I knocked. >LAFORGE: Uh-oh. > CROW: [Troi] Uh, what about me? I am in this scene, after all. Hello? Any one there? >[Page 12] >[A looming Colossus, who is now in his organic metal form, TOM: My name is Ozymandias, king of ants! >stands behind Data, ready to strike.] >DATA: Curious? A man with claws and now a metal giant. TOM: It's Ozzy Ozbourne! ALL: WOOOOO!! > This > was most unexpected. CROW: This is perplexing! I'm flabbergasted! >COLOSSUS: Really? Well, expect this!! > MIKE: Nice bon mot, Colossus... CROW: If he yells "Rubber baby buggy bumpers," then I’m leaving. >[Page 13] >[Colossus throws a punch at Data, who catches it in his hand. The >force of the punch throws Data across the room, his heels making >grooves in the floor.] CROW: Groovy. >DATA: Fascinating. MIKE: Spock’s not gonna like that copyright infringement... >COLOSSUS: Bozhe Moi! CROW: That's Russian for "Get me my agent!" >[Troi rushes between the combatants.] TOM: And dies instantly. >TROI: Stop it! Fighting won't get us anywhere! CROW: Ah, tell that to X-Force! >WOLVERINE: Smart words lady. Just who are ya? You sure ain't > regular housebreakers. CROW: [Wolverine] Yeah, if you were the regular type, that snotty kid would have stopped you with his toys and other objects found around the house! >LAFORGE: You wouldn't believe us if we told you. >COLOSSUS: Try. TOM: We're giant space monkey pirates. >TROI: Well, we are. . .crewmen aboard a ship. A starship > called the Enterprise. MIKE: [Colossus] Well, as long as you aren’t from a airplane called Jefferson. >WOLVERINE: Enterprise? Starship Enterprise? Are you some of > Kirk's people? MIKE: You mean Ol' Sweaty Palms? >[Closeup on Picard.] ALL: AGHHHH!!!! MIKE: Picard?!? He's not even on the planet! >PICARD: Captain James Tiberius Kirk, my most illustrious > predecessor. It would seem that the man made a habit > of popping up where he was least expected. > MIKE: Like on Merv Griffin, singing "Tambourine Man." >[Page 14-15] >[The X-Men and the Enterprise Bridge crew stand in a room in >Xavier's mansion. The X-Men are now in full costume. TOM: It's time for the Ren Fest! Huzzah! > The two >groups are chatting with each other. MIKE: They’re pretty chatty today. CROW: They’re trying to come up with original names. > At the left side of the room >stands Angel. Worf is next, watching a group at the center of the >room, consisting of Wolverine, Storm, Nightcrawler, Colossus, >Picard and Riker. LaForge, Data and Kitty stand looking at a >laptop computer. MIKE: [Data] So, this "laptop?" connects you to an "internet?" TOM: [Kitty] That's right. CROW: [LaForge] Wow. So you can download porn 24 hours a day then? > Across the room, Banshee, wearing a Celtics >jacket, MIKE: The fact that Banshee is Irish CAN'T BE STRESSED ENOUGH! CROW: So when is this supposed to take place? TOM: Yeah, it looks like Claremont-Byrne era X-Men, but the Thunderbolts are in it... > talks to Troi. MIKE: Why do I get the feeling Ratliff wrote this scene? TOM: Mike, you promised not to mention him... MIKE: Well, we all knew that some promises just can't be kept. > Nearby, Crusher seems to be staring away >from the other participants.] MIKE: [Crusher] What am I doing here? They haven't given me any lines in the past two movies, and now this travesty. If this keeps up, then I'm jumping ship. Maybe they need a doctor on Love Boat: The Next Wave. . . >WOLVERINE: [To Picard] Hey! I ain't complaining! ALL: We are! > If the > Enterprise hadn't shown up when it did, seconds > before we got spat outta that psionic doodad. Me, > 'ro an' a bunch of others wouldn't be around > t'day.* CROW: [Wolverine] We’d be in a better comic! >[*-As witnessed in the previous Star Trek/X-Men crossover. Tim.] TOM: There was *another* one of these? CROW: Mike, by any chance, was civilization about to collapse just before you were dragged up here? MIKE: I just don’t know any more... >STORM: Indeed, Captain Kirk and his crew also fought beside > us when Proteus, a malevolent being from our world, > bonded with Gary Mitchell, TOM: An old drunken, fat, slobbish, cop friend of Kirk's. > a renegade telepath from > your own TOM: Okay. An old, drunken, fat, slobbish, renegade telepath, cop friend of Kirk's. > . . . the prize was nothing less than reality > itself! CROW: So in other words, it was a fairly standard X-Men plot. MIKE: Too bad they lost. TOM: Yeah, just look how screwed up reality is now! >COLOSSUS: So what brings you to our neck of the woods, > Captain Picard? MIKE: [Picard] Thought I'd come by for a couple of brewskis, watch the Jets game, and join you for a bar-b before heading off for a week of camping in Vermont. >PICARD: A situation equally as grave, I'm afraid. The Borg, > a race of cybernetic beings, had traveled back in > time to prevent a key event in human history from > occurring. CROW: But Martin and Lewis broke up anyway. > Their aim was to conquer Earth in the > past. We stopped them . . . but only just. MIKE: Yeah, sounds like a real big deal. *yawn* >RIKER: We sustained some system damage that threw us off > course. We had hoped to "borrow" your Shi'ar > technology to repair the Enterprise and get home. > CROW: [Riker] We’ll worry about hardware compatibility later. MIKE: Yeah, like when the Enterprise goes boom. >[Page 16] >[Kitty joins the center group, carrying the laptop.] TOM: To put on her lap. CROW: Lucky laptop. >KITTY: I'm afraid it's not that simple, Commander. Since > your arrival, the X-Mansion's MIKE: X-mansion? Can this be more contrived? TOM: Don’t say that! > systems have detected > an exponential increase in Chronometric particles. >WOLVERINE: In English? TOM: Oh no! English Chornometric Particles! MIKE: Hey, at least they're easy to stop! Just wait for 4pm and their tea time. Lots easier than those French Chronometric Particles! >KITTY: The Enterprise's arrival has caused a serious rift in > the space/time continuum. MIKE: Yeesh, between all the Star Treks, Doctor Who's, Sliders', and whatnot, the space/time continuum has gotta be wearing a little thin, don't you think? >CRUSHER: That would explain why there's no Eugenics war > here. We've not only traveled back in time but > sideways, to an alternate timeline! ALL: Ohhhh--huh?! >WORF: Hrrn! Parallel dimensions! I despise them! They are > no end of trouble! MIKE: There’s this especially annoying one where there’s an omnipotent fourteen year old girl who's a starship captain... >WOLVERINE: Tell me about it, bub. MIKE: Cut! No, no, it's "Tell me about it, stud." Let's try again! Grease, scene 126, take two! >STORM: We will do everything in our power to return you > home, Captain Picard. TOM: And take the rest of these product-placement comics with you! Here, here's Godzilla...the Human Fly... >PICARD: And perhaps that will also help to seal the rift. Tom: [Data] I shall get some duct tape. >TROI: Captain! I'm sensing an entity. . . a presence. . . CROW: [Troi] A. . . sex machine! Sir! It’s James Brown! > an > evil mind! I thought I fleetingly felt something > earlier, but wasn't sure. . . CROW: Was it a grave disturbance, like a million souls cried out and were suddenly silenced? I get that when I eat clams. >WOLVERINE: Well I am! Something's comin'. . .and it smells > real bad! > CROW: [Wolverine] Smells like....him! MIKE: [Picard] Who, me? >[Page 17] >[A being appears floating above the assembled heroes. The being >is clad in a green and purple outfit, and his face is blue.] MIKE: Green, purple, and blue. There's a lovely color scheme. >BANSHEE: KANG!! > TOM: KAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!! MIKE: Tom, that's getting old. TOM: You're just jealous because you can't do it. >[Page 18] >[Geordi has his phaser pointed at Kang.] >LAFORGE: Sounds like he isn't exactly welcome? You know this > guy? MIKE: [Banshee] No, I just like saying Kang... >NIGHTCRAWLER: Mostly by reputation only. His name's Kang > . . . The Conqueror, a self-proclaimed despot of > time and space. MIKE: And a good friend. >PICARD: It can't be coincidence that he's here, now? >STORM: I doubt it. Speak Kang! MIKE: What's that, Kang? Timmy's trapped in the old well?!? > What do you want? TOM: [Kang] I was wondering if I could borrow a cup of sugar? I just ran out. >KANG: I do not expect your trust, Storm, but civility costs > nothing. . . CROW: [Kang] Except your soul! Hehehehe..... I'm sorry. Was I speaking out loud there? > especially as I came to warn you. Unless > we act quickly, *all* existence as we know it will > cease to be. CROW: Stimpy's going to hit the history eraser button! > The Enterprise's arrival has ruptured a > trans-dimensional barrier. It is hemorrhaging temporal > matter, creating chaotic anomalies in both your > world's continuities. MIKE: And this is different from every other time travel episode because...? > This destabilization will > trigger a chain reaction across all other realities, > collapsing them like a house of cards. You, I, > everything, and everyone will be swept into oblivion! > TOM: One good thing about that. MIKE: What? TOM: No more Hanson, Barney, Spice Girls, Bill Gates.... >[Page 19] >STORM: As public-spirited as ever. . . CROW: Well, he is running for dog catcher. > when it comes to > saving your own skin! What do we need to do? TOM: o/~ To make you happy... o/~ CROW: Nine Inch Nails? TOM: Nnnno. >KANG: Two of the most significant anomalies must be sealed > if we are to restore the continuum. You will see to > this while I monitor the temporal decay. MIKE: So he's gonna, what, floss all the clocks? >[Kang holds out a box full of devices.] CROW: [Kang] Thighmaster...Mr. Tea....food dehydrator....ah here’s my coffee bean grinder! >KANG: These chronal compass wristbands have been programmed > with the appropriate coordinates of the anomalous > eras. TOM: Convenient. > I am losing our link. . .I must go! Help me, > Storm. . . MIKE: [Kang] Help me, Ororo-Won Kenobi! You're my only hope! > for the good of all life. . .everywhere! >PICARD: Do we trust him? TOM: Well, he's a super-villain. I don't see why not. >STORM: Do we dare not to? If what he says is true, we have > no choice but to act! > MIKE: Give sanctions more time! >[Page 20] >[The Enterprise floats above the Earth.] CROW: Meaning, they’re orbiting it. >RIKER: [Text] First Officer's Log: CROW: [Riker] *Much* longer than the Captain’s log! > William T. Riker > recording. It seems we've jumped out of the frying > pan and into the fire. MIKE: And now that damn Shawn Colvin song is playing over, and over, and over... > Not so long ago the fate of humanity was resting > squarely on our shoulders, now it's the future of all > life itself! MIKE: The universe, and everything? TOM: Now, let's not go that far. > To this end, the X-Men have returned with us to the > Enterprise, to formulate a plan of attack. > CROW: Well, it's not so much an attack as it is a whimpering plea for mercy. >[Page 21] >[We see two groups preparing for the mission. Group one consists >of Colossus, Picard, Troi, and Nightcrawler. Group #2 consists of >Wolverine, Data, Storm, and Worf.] > TOM: It's Crisis of Infinite Dorks. MIKE: Group Three was a control group of Starfleet personnel and mutants who were given placebos and flavored water. >RIKER: [Text] Since Kang only provided eight of the chronal > compass devices, MIKE: And since they aren't smart enough to run them through the replicator... > two mixed teams of four will > transport to the anomalous sites. CROW: [Englishman] And the mixed doubles tourney here at Wilbington will begin short. > Captain Picard's team will take one target. . . > . . .while the X-Man known as Storm MIKE: Then wouldn’t it be X-Woman? BOTS: No Mike. > and her team, > will take the other. > CROW: Thus stretching out the story to the breaking point. >[Page 22] >[The remaining members of both teams are standing on the >Enterprise's bridge.] > TOM: [Banshee] Laddie, I’m glad we don’t hafta do somethin’ goofy like that. CROW: [Kitty] Dibs on the Captain’s Quarters! MIKE: [Riker] I get shotgun! >RIKER: [Text] The rest of us will remain on standby as back- > up aboard the Enterprise. Personally, I know where > I'd prefer to be. MIKE: Curled up in bed with a good book? TOM: In front of the tube in your underwear with a 12 pack of Rolling Rock? CROW: Nah, Riker would be under his bed with some 60-year-old scotch and a 20-year-old ensign. TOM: Oh, that's right. He did that in "Best of Both Worlds." >PICARD: [Over the Intercom] Picard to the Bridge. We're > about to activate the chronal compass, Number one. . TOM: [Lavelle] Sir? We're ditching him now, right? MIKE: [Riker] No! Wait until after he leaves, *then* floor it! >RIKER: Acknowledged. Good luck, Captain. . . to both teams. >STORM: We're ready. MIKE: [announcer] And the Packers win the coin toss.. and they've chosen to defend first! >PICARD: Standby to activate chronal compass on my mark. . . > . . .five TOM: Three, sir-- > . . .four. . .three. . .two. . .one. . . > MIKE: Look out! It's a crossover with Lost In Space! CROW: o/~ Earth below us, drifting, falling... o/~ TOM: Time for us to get lost too. [Mike picks up Tom, and they leave.] [1 . . . 2 . . . 3 . . . 4 . . . 5 . . . 6 . . .] [Crow, Mike and Servo stand behind the command console.] MIKE: Well... TOM: Yep. MIKE: The X-Men and Star Trek: The Next Generation. TOM: Yep. CROW: It's great, isn't it? [Mike and Tom stare at Crow.] MIKE: Crow, are you feeling okay? CROW: Never better. TOM: Then why are you enjoying this, this... MIKE: Travesty? TOM: Yeah, travesty. CROW: Because of the special guest star, of course! TOM: Crow, we've already established that the Thunderbolts probably aren't going to reappear. CROW: No, not them! The real guest star: Kitty Pryde! MIKE: The teenager with the laptop and the silly dialogue? CROW: Yep. She's the one! [A moment of silence passes, then Mike sighs heavily and speaks.] MIKE: I'm sure that I'm going to regret asking this, but why are you so excited about seeing Kitty? CROW: Mike, it all started back in 1986.... [The picture begins to dissolve, 'Wayne's World Flashback' style. Mike and Tom look around, confusedly.] TOM: What the...? MIKE: I knew I'd regret asking... [The dissolve continues, and the picture becomes indistinct. Then, it slowly refocuses, revealing a suburban, tree lined street. The picture now appears to be on film, rather than the usual tape. A young brown haired girl (Kitty Pryde) is dressed in clothing dating from the mid-1980s. She is talking to someone offscreen. The Carpenters' "Close to You" plays softly in the background.] KITTY: So, are you going to the prom? [The view shifts slightly, revealing Crow, who is wearing a blue jacket with a hood and a long haired, disheveled brown wig.] CROW: Well, no. I'm not really into that.. KITTY: [Interrupting] 'Cause if you weren't, then I was kinda thinking that we could go together... CROW: You mean like in a group? 'Cause if you need a designated driver.. KITTY: [Giggling] No, I meant that you could take me. CROW: Oh, okay. [We'll skip past the next bit. You know what's going to happen anyway. It's fifteen years later. Crow, now looking like his normal self, is speaking to Mike in a suburban backyard.] MIKE: Crow, what the hell is this? How did we get off the ship? And whose house is this? [Lower] It's kinda nice though. I wonder what their monthly payments are... CROW: No, no. Crushes don't last 13 years! MIKE: What does that have to do with anything that I'm saying? CROW: I've got to find her! [Cut to a small office. Tom, wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a pencil thin mustache, is speaking to Crow.] TOM: So? You want me to find your long lost girlfriend? CROW: Yep. I want you to find Kitty. [Cut to Tom, dressed differently.] TOM: Kitty? She's a fox! [Cut to Gypsy, in a bar, talking to Crow.] GYPSY: She's a fox? [Cut to an outside scene. Mike, dressed a pizza boy, speaks.] MIKE: Crow! Stop this! We're in enough copyright trouble as it is! [Cut to Crow, who is dressed in a Green Bay Packers uniform.] CROW: She's a stone cold fox, man! [Magic Voice begins to speak, as we see a montage of scenes. Crow dodges a vicious dog. Tom, back with the mustache, tries to electrically shock the aforementioned dog. ] MAGIC VOICE: [V.O.] Coming this summer, from the makers of "Kingpins" and "Dumb and Dumber" it's "There's Something About Kitty." [As Crow begins to flog the dolphin, Mike runs into the shot.] MIKE: Hold it, hold it, HOLD IT! We are *NOT* going there! No way! Cambot! Take us back to the Satellite! NOW! [The wave effect occurs again, and after it clears, the crew is back on the SoL.] CROW: Spoilsport. MIKE: We are not going to a 'MA' rating just because you wanted to make a joke, Crow. TOM: I suppose that we won't be doing my "Slums of the Satellite of Love" sketch then. [The lights begin to flash.] MIKE: Not in this lifetime, Tom. Anyway, we've got Comic sign! [The usual rushing about occurs, and the door sequence begins.] [6 . . . 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . ] [The crew enters and takes their usual seats.] BOTS: o/~ Why do you build me up? Buttercup, baby? o/~ MIKE: What else did you two have planned? _Saving Private Pryde_? _Can't Hardly Wait for Kitty_? CROW: Actually, _Kittyblanca_ was next on our list of possibilities. >[Page 23] >[Picard's team is no longer standing on the Enterprise. They now >stand amongst the crumbling and decaying ruins of a future New >York City.] TOM: Well, it could also be the modern New York City too. >PICARD: . . .mark! MIKE: Hey, the name’s Mike! BOTS: Sigh... >TROI: So where are we. . .and when? TOM: [Pinky] Five minutes at the Piggly Wiggly! CROW: What does that have to do with anything? TOM: Nothing, I just wanted to say it. >NIGHTCRAWLER: A post-atomic New York, circa 2013. >TROI: Your future, our past. >PICARD: How can you be so certain? CROW: [Troi] Basic Math, Sir. >NIGHTCRAWLER: It's a long story, Captain. Suffice it to say > that we know that these are dark days. TOM: [Nightcrawler] Apparently John Byrne wants to write us again. >COLOSSUS: Most mutants and super heroes have been culled, > the rest corralled into slavery by the machines > known as the Sentinels. We must be cautious! > MIKE: Gee, thanks, 'cause from that description I was ready to braid some daisies in my hair, kick off my shoes, and sing "The Sound of Music!" >[Page 24] >[A mob has formed around the team. Picard has drawn his phaser.] MIKE: [Picard] Now, with cooperation from the Counselor, I’ll move on to nude sketchings. >PICARD: Too late! CROW: [Troi] Whew... > I think our problems have already started! >SCUM#1: TOM: Finally, a likable character! > Whadda we got here? Mutie scum! I hate 'em! >SCUM#2: Yeah, but they cook up real good! CROW: *sigh* Yeah, that's Abnett/Edginton dialogue, all right. >NIGHTCRAWLER: Captain, we're surrounded! MIKE: By two people? TOM: The rest of the mob is in the background, Mike. MIKE: Oh. These comics are so confusing. CROW: I'll call Scott McCloud... >PICARD: We don't have time for this. . . MIKE: [muttering] Well, why don't ya get in your precious time machine and go home then, rotten crummy rassinfrassin... >[The X-Men charge their foes, while Picard and Troi fire their >phasers at the mob.] CROW: Slaughtering random people is fun! > . . . take them down! CROW: Yes! Just randomly shoot the mob! Who cares? It's not like it'll screw up the timeline or anything! TOM: Hey, they just deleted Wesley from existence! MIKE: Cool! >SCUM#3: You're mine, freak! MIKE: Scum there’s getting possessive. CROW: Must stem from childhood trauma... TOM: Yeah, just look at what his parents named him. MIKE: I’d hate to be Scum#2, just imagine being a second banana to Scum! >NIGHTCRAWLER: Perhaps, but now you see me. . . >[Nightcrawler teleports behind the miscreant TOM: Hey, it’s still bad, but it’s a step up from Scum. > and launches into a >flying kick, sending him sprawling.] TOM & CROW: HIKEEBA! MIKE: Uncle Tsao, Throwing Punches and Kicking Continuously! >NIGHTCRAWLER: . . .now you don't! MIKE: Good guy line #1006. *yawn* >COLOSSUS: An impressive move, my friend, but where you aim > for quality, I go for quantity! MIKE: That’s right! For a limited time Colossus comes in six packs! >[Colossus hits several of the mob, causing a loud Whamm! Sound.] TOM: Whamm! Sound (TM). The audience is riffing. >TROI: Captain, I think Colossus and Nightcrawler are actually >enjoying this. >PICARD: [Firing a phaser] Really? CROW: [Picard] I can't imagine why they'd like the feel of bones cracking beneath their fists. Or enjoy the screams of the dying. Heh. Or the look in their opponent's eyes as their lives escape from their bodies! Or the crimson tide of death spilling across the battlefield! DIE! DIE! ALL OF YOU DIE! BWAH-HAH-HAH! >[Picard punches a thug with a right jab.] >PICARD: Perish the thought! CROW: [Troi] No, you don't understand! They're *really* enjoying this! TOM: You've been reading _Watchmen_ again, haven't you? >[The angry mob scatters.] MIKE: A prissy bald Englishman! RUN!!!!!!!! TOM: [Scum] Four against two, what were you thinking? CROW: [Scum#2] Hey, I can’t help the way I’m written! >TROI: I think we've scared them off! MIKE: Unless they’re going for reinforcements.... >NIGHTCRAWLER: [Looking behind him] It wasn't just us. . . > TOM: Look out! It's Howard Stern! And he's looking for guests! ALL: AHHHHH!!!!! >[Page 25] >[Three flying Sentinels appear above the team, causing them to >head for cover.] >SENTINEL: ALL SENTINEL UNITS! MUTANT TARGETS DETECTED! > ENGAGE AND DESTROY! > CROW: [Dalek voice] EX-TER-MI-NATE! EX-TER-MI-NATE! >[Page 26] >[Elsewhere. . .] CROW: Whew, good thing we got out of that action sequence. >STORM: Well, we're here. Wherever here is? >DATA: We appear to be onboard a Federation vessel. > Specifically a Miranda-Class starship. TOM: AHHHHHHH! MIKE: _Miranda_ class, Tom. Not _Marrissa_ class. TOM: Oh, thank God... >[An alarm is loudly blaring in the background.] >STORM: And that alarm? MIKE: My neighbor's car alarm. It goes off all of the time. Just ignore it. >DATA: It is a red alert for battle stations. Let us hope it > is merely a drill. >[Dark suit forms appear in the corridor.] >WORF: This is no drill! [Quickfire] MIKE: IT'S A SPACE STATION! CROW: This is a screwdriver! MIKE: It's an augur! TOM: That's not Mel Torme either! CROW: It's a drill *and* a desert topping! TOM: o/~ It's the end of the world as we know it... o/~ >DATA: Storm, Wolverine, they are the Borg. >WOLVERINE: An' they smell like trouble! TOM: Everything smells like trouble to him doesn’t it? >[Wolverine extends his claws with a noise.] CROW: Mike, can I have claws like that? Oh please, can I? MIKE: No, honey -- you'd poke an eye out. >WORF: [To Wolverine] Impressive. CROW: [Worf] Mine’s bigger. >WOLVERINE: Thanks. MIKE: Er, you’re welcome. >DATA: Unfortunately, from their presence, I believe I know > exactly where we are. . . > MIKE: They're in that silly Star Trek hotel in Vegas! >[Page 27] >[Exterior Shot: A multitude of Federation Starships are attacking >a Borg cube, unsuccessfully.] TOM: Anyone get a feeling of Deja Vu? MIKE & CROW: Nah. >DATA: [V.O.] . . .the Battle of Wolf 359, the Federation's > last stand against the Borg. MIKE: Hey, is there any way you can go save Sisko's wife so none of us have to suffer through "Deep Space Nine"? >BORG: [V.O.] We are the Borg. We will add your biological > and technological distinctiveness to our own. > Resistance is futile. > MIKE: Yep. TOM: Sure. CROW: Uh-huh. >[Page 28] >[Worf and Wolverine stand back to back, fighting off Borg >attackers.] CROW: And now here’s an example of how futile resistance is. >WORF: Stand ready! Here they come! Wolverine, be warned that > if they touch you, you will become one of them! CROW: It's a little more COMPLICATED than that!! >WOLVERINE: Point taken. . . MIKE: But didn't Kirkegard say that only by belonging to a group can we truly feel alone? TOM: Kirkegard? That hack? Rand, there's a true philosopher! Mike, why don't you go read Atlas Shrugged and then. . MIKE: Of course a tool of the bourgeois like yourself would be a Randian, Tom. But the free thinkers among us. . . CROW: Ahem. Can Philosophy 101 please re-convene at some other time? MIKE: I suppose. CROW: Geez. You two are worse than the story. >[Wolverine slices apart a Borg drone.] TOM: [as announcer] He slices, he dices, he makes Julianne fries! Now how much will you pay!? >WOLVERINE:. . .but what if I touch them first?! CROW: [Worf] Then they turn into you. >[Storm summons a cyclone, which destroys several Borg drones.] MIKE: How can she manipulate weather inside a starship? TOM: Why would she not be able to? MIKE: [mumbling] And you two gripe at Voyager for being unrealistic... >STORM: Together, we can easily take care of them, Commander! >DATA: Do not underestimate them, Storm. . . > MIKE: They've been listening to Tony Robbins tapes! They're REALLY self-confident! >[Page 29] >[Data fires his phaser, which bounces harmlessly off the Borg >shields which have sprung into existence.] CROW: Oh, look, the Borg have Neuro forcefields too, just like Sisko! MIKE: Please, Crow, don't remind us... >DATA: . . .they have already adapted to my phaser's > frequency modulation. MIKE: So now the Borg adapt *before* they're fired on? > What is intriguing however, is > that there is no record of the Borg boarding any > Federation vessels during the battle. CROW: Of course, if all the ships were destroyed, there wouldn't be any records left, would there? >BORG: You are known as Data. You are an android lifeform. MIKE: [Borg] Could I have your autograph? I loved you in _1776_. > You will be assimilated. >STORM: Data, they know you! TOM: They must have seen Night Court. It’s been syndicated, you know. >BORG #2: Human female. Designate Mutant. You are new to our > species catalog. CROW: [Borg] You will be assimilated into our fall fashion lineup. MIKE: [Borg] Place your orders now before the Christmas rush. >BORG #3: You will also be assimilated into the collective. CROW: [Borg] If that's okay. >[Closeup on Storm's blue eyes.] CROW: Blue?! Her eyes aren’t blue! Especially when she’s using her powers, like she’s been doing in the story! >STORM: It is us! They're here because of Logan and myself! > They detected us somehow. . . we're responsible for > this. . . MIKE: And how does she know this? TOM: Backstory, I guess.... > . . .so we must put it right! >[Several Borg drones are felled by a blast of electricity.] MIKE: Black Vulcan to the rescue! > >[Page 30] >STORM: There. . . TOM: [Michael Palin] It's... >DATA: The boarding party is immobilized. . . > . . . although the Borg will already be seeking to > adapt a defense to your powers. MIKE: Although why they didn’t sooner, I’ll never know. >WORF: That will not take them long. . . then they will be > back. CROW: Oh, dear God, somewhere someone just got an idea for a Star Trek/Terminator crossover. >STORM: In that case, the sooner we find Kang's temporal > anomaly the better. > ALL: We agree! >[Page 31] >[Post-Atomic New York...] >[A sentinel fires a ray blast at Picard, who is sent hurtling >through the air.] >PICARD: AAHHH! MIKE: You're not gonna cry to show your sensitivity again, are ya? >[. . .where twenty-first century robotics assaults twenty-fourth >century flash and blood.] MIKE: It's time for The Anachronism Feud! [TOM sings theme] CROW: [as Richard Dawson] Question number 1, top 5 answers on the board, we asked 100 people what their response to this question would be: Who is the worst fanfic author of all time? >PICARD: Vast destructive force, but slow and clumsy. Mike: [Picard] And then there’s the Sentinel! > . .if I > can- >SENTINEL: RENEGADE HUMAN TARGET LOCKED. MAIN WEAPONS F- MIKE: Hey now! Watch your language, young Sentinel! TOM: Oh, come on, Mike, I'm sure he was about to say "fused". CROW: Or "frosted". TOM: Or, "fried". CROW: Or, "failing". MIKE: Uh-huh. >[The Sentinel is hit by a blast of force, which impacts it with a > CROW: Brother to the . TOM: Isn't that one of Space Ghost's cohorts? > The Sentinel looks down, to see Deanna Troi standing >with her phaser aimed at the Sentinel.] CROW: Commander Troi *is* Linda Hamilton in "The Calamity Jane Saga!" >SENTINEL: WEAPONS SYSTEM DAMAGED. AGRESSOR IDENTIFIED AS > NON-HUMAN FEMALE. UNIQUE BIOLOGICAL SPECIMEN MUST > BE COLLECTED FOR STUDY AND VIVISECTION. . . TOM: Ya know, there's an interesting parallelism here... MIKE: Please, Tom! I had enough with identifying parallelism in eleventh grade English! >[At this point, the Sentinel's speech is interrupted by a blast >of energy which punches a hole through the Sentinel's head.] > CROW: What a unique way to get your ear pierced... TOM: Mike, I want an earring. MIKE: No, dear. >[Page 33] >[Picard holds a phaser, which is still emitting energy 'smoke' >from it's tip.] TOM: WHAT?! ENERGY "SMOKE" FROM A PHASER?! MIKE: Stay calm... TOM: NO! NO, DAMMIT, I WON'T STAY CALM! I STAYED CALM WHEN THEY INTERFERED WITH MARVEL CONTINUITY! I STAYED CALM DURING THE POINTLESS BRAWL! I STAYED CALM DURING THE ABNETT/EDGINTON DIALOGUE! NO MORE CALM! NO MORE! CROW: Here. Have a cookie. TOM: Oh. Thanks. >PICARD: No one vivisects my crewmembers. TOM: [Picard] I should at least get to watch. >TROI: A fine sentiment, Captain. MIKE: Yeah, Kirk was always letting his people get vivisected. > Are you all right? >PICARD: Perfectly. . . >[The scene shifts to Colossus tearing off a strip of sidewalk.] TOM: Urban renewal, superhero style. >PICARD: [O.S.] . . .but I'm rapidly reaching the conclusion > that we're very much the amateurs here. . . CROW: Yeah, Starfleet's best tactical minds can't outthink a bunch of college-age mutants. >[Colossus tosses the chunk of sidewalk, which decapitates the >Sentinel.] >SENTINEL: SKKAAAALKKK! TOM: Huh. I woulda pegged him for a "ZZZZAAAARRRKKK!", myself. CROW: Mother of and shrakkk. >[A second Sentinel has cornered Nightcrawler in the wreckage of >a building.] MIKE: [Sentinel] Watchtower! Are you prepared for the coming of God? >SENTINEL: MUTANT TARGET LOCKED. >NIGHTCRAWLER: Took your time noticing me! TOM: It can’t see you cuz it’s always night in the X-Men’s future. > Would it help. . . MIKE: If I recited some goth poetry? >[Nightcrawler teleports away from the Sentinel. . .] CROW: And into a wall... > >[Page 34] >[. . . and reappears on the Sentinel's shoulder, and thrusts a >steel rod through the Sentinel's head.] >NIGHTCRAWLER: . . .if I came closer? TOM: o/~ Get a little closer, don't be shy... o/~ >SENTINEL: WARNING! WARNING! INERTIAL BALANCE SYSTEM IMPAIRED! >[The Sentinel topples and collides with a building. Nightcrawler >wisely teleports off the Sentinel before the impact.] >SENTINEL: WARNING! WARNI- CROW: Danger, Will Robinson! Danger! >PICARD: Very swashbuckling, Nightcrawler. CROW: Please don’t start singing Pirates of Penzance. >NIGHTCRAWLER: Danke, mein kapitaine. . . CROW: I vas just folloving orders! >COLOSSUS: We should move. A missing Sentinel patrol will > draw attention this way. TOM: Ah, Colossus. The voice of reason. CROW: To bad he doesn’t say much. >PICARD: Agreed. Let's get on with the job quickly. > Counselor? MIKE: No thanks, I just ate. >TROI: I. . .I sense there's so much more going on here, > Captain. I'm not sure if I can trust the feeling. . . MIKE: [Ben Kenobi] Trust your feelings, Deanna! > . . .it may just be a disorienting side-effect of the > temporal disturbance. . . > CROW: Or just bad comic book writing... MIKE: See, that's what I like about Deanna. No matter how unclear the situation, she can always be counted on to muddy the water a little bit more. >[Page 35] >[The scene has changed to a scene somewhere in space. A large, >spherical starship floats by a fiery star.] MIKE: As opposed to a frozen one. TOM: The Death Star has cleared the planet. CROW: It's the Ghost Planet! >TROI: [O.S.] . . .but I get the feeling that something is > terribly wrong! TOM: She must have read ahead. MIKE: [Troi] I'm sensing a lack of any transitions! >[The deepwaters of time. Where tides of past and future boil and >seethe around each other. CROW: Well that’s what you pay for when you buy beachfront property. > Cold currents of eternity surge through >the darkness, and their swell rocks on the cast time-ship set on >the silent oceans of forever. . .] MIKE: How poetic. TOM: Probably has nothing to do with the rest of the comic. >KANG: [O.S.]. . .how very astute the comely Betazoid is! TOM: "Comely"? CROW: Okay, everyone out there who has actually used "comely" in a sentence and is *not* a theologian or a Shakespearean scholar, raise your hand. Okay, thank you, Mr. Buckley is one, annnnnd - nobody else. > Unfortunately, neither she nor any of her allies can > even begin to comprehend the temporal complexity of > this scheme. . . > TOM: A brilliant scheme! MIKE: What? TOM: That's what this story needs! A brilliant scheme! >[Page 36] >[Kang sits on a wooden chair, CROW: In a wooden story. TOM: With a wooden plot. > which hangs suspended in the air, >surrounded by instruments and control panels.] MIKE: He has the new '98 model Interocitor. >KANG: . . .through angles and dimensions of time unknowable > to linear brains like theirs, I have positioned them > to do my work. TOM: [Kang] They will paint my house, wash my dog, and write my proposal for the Shelton account! > And my so noble motive. . .the > salvation of time itself. . .has driven them on > willingly. How easily heroes believe such lofty > sentiments! The damage to the continuum caused by the > Starship Enterprise was indeed severe. . .but they have > not the wit TOM: A recurring problem in Star Trek. > to realize that the anomalies I have sent > them chasing after are in fact the last few slender > threads holding things together. CROW: So, he's going to have the crew of the Enterprise and the X-Men go and rip those threads, thus destroying all of reality -- *including* himself?! TOM: Pretty much so. Dumb as a stump, I'd say. MIKE: I'm not following this... TOM: He said, "Me do bad things. Rule universe." MIKE: Ohhhh. >[Closeup on Kang.] ALL: AHHH! CROW: Jeez, don't you ever wash that mask? > Once they have. . ."rectified" them. . .all > impediments to my manipulation of the time-stream will > be gone. . . TOM: [Kang] And I'll be able to wipe Craig Kilborn out of existence! MIKE: Oh please oh please oh please oh please... > . . .and infinity will be mine to shape like clay! > CROW: The Infinite Gumby! MIKE: o/~ Kang was once a little green slab of clay... o/~ >[Page 37] >[Enterprise Bridge. . .] >RIKER: Status update, Mr. Lavelle? MIKE: [Lavelle] Uh, the fake name seems to be holding up real well, and the chicks really dig it! TOM: Isn't Lavelle a character in some of Ratliff's stories? MIKE: I think he pre-dates that, though. TOM: Oh. CROW: Still... MIKE: Yeah. [Pause] ALL: AAAIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! >LAVELLE: Status is as dull as it was last time you asked, > Commander. MIKE: [Lavelle] Which was only 5 seconds ago, so give it a rest! > With respect, sir. . .we're just > bystanders to the main event! TOM: Don't be ridiculous. Nobody saw _The Main Event_. >CRUSHER: Sam's right, Will. I wish there was something we > could do instead of. . . TOM: [Riker] How about a game of Poker?! CROW: [Crusher] Now what a unique and original idea! Let's do it! >LAFORGE: Be careful what you wish for, Doctor! I'm reading a > sudden high-phase temporal event! CROW: A plot complication? Gosh! I would have never expected that! >RIKER: Approximate location, Geordi? TOM: [Geordi] Right under your chair. Bye sir! >LAFORGE: Well. . .approximately . . .three meters to your > left. TOM: Well, I was close... CROW: Next time buddy. >[A pair of humanoid shapes materialize on the Bridge.] MIKE: It's the Wondertwins! >FIGURE: What, no welcome home banners? > CROW: Are Bruce and Betty here? TOM: Uh...Betty won't be anywhere for a long time. She's dead. CROW: WHAT?! NOOOOO! BETTY!! TOM: It's okay. John Byrne's taking the book over. CROW: Oh, okay. That won't last long. MIKE: [shakes his head] It's like watching a Latin seminar... >[Page 38] >[Crusher rushes towards the speaker with outstretched arms.] ALL: WHA! Look out!! >CRUSHER: Oh my. . .! Wesley! [All scream and hide under seats or what not] MIKE: YOU ARE EVIL, PEARL FORRESTER! >ANGEL: What is going on? [All recover, to some extent] MIKE: When you find out, let us know, too, huh? TOM: Ya know, those two remind me of a young Ross Perot and Stockdale. >WESLEY: Good question! When I left, none of the Bridge crew > had wings. MIKE: TOM: [Wesley] Yes, yes. Except for Ensign Seraphim. >[Beverly hugs her son.] >CRUSHER: It's good to see you, Wes! MIKE: [falsetto] Wes! Thank goodness! You've got to help me! I thought I was finally out..._Marker_ was going to be the big hit of the new fall season. But it wasn't! For God's sake, Wes! HELP ME GET OUT OF HERE!! >WESLEY: You too, Mom CROW: AHHHHHHHHHH! (looks at the others) Sorry. Thought we were screaming in anguish again. > . . . but this isn't a social call. The > Traveller and I have. . .news. CROW: [Wesley] We're going to form a band. A blues band. And we'll runaround all over the place. >TRAVELER: Wesley is correct. MIKE: You know, The Traveler bears absolutely no resemblance at all to Doctor Who. TOM: Not a bit? MIKE: Well, maybe a tiny bit. > Our voyages across the > continuum have shown us the future and the > outcome of the events unfolding here. TOM: [Traveler] Riker, you will be pleased to know that you will be in that black evening dress before the week is out. CROW: [Riker] Shhhhhhh! Not in front of the crew! >RIKER: I know I'm going to hate this! CROW: Huh. Riker suddenly became a good character. >TRAVELER: Kang has duped you into performing tasks that > will give him control of all realities. TOM: [Traveler] And, for some reason, there's a large "KICK ME" sign taped to the back of your ship. >RIKER: Yes, I hate this. MIKE: A very good character. > Time paradoxes, past and future, > cause and effect, multi-dimensional cr- MIKE: Lousy rotten COMMIES with their lousy rotten TIME TRAVEL! >WESLEY: We all do, Commander. CROW: Well, he does have some good points. TOM: There’s hope for Wes yet. > Look, put simply, the > Enterprise accidentally cut between realities and > allowed some interchanges to take place, Kang's > tried to fool you into believing these faults are to > be corrected. . . In fact, they're the continuum's > way of resolving the problem, by allowing the > damaged futures to continue as they should. > Interfering with them will do irreparable harm to > the time-stream. . . and allow Kang to seize control > of it! > CROW: Say what? TOM: "Kang do bad things." CROW: Gotcha. >[Page 39] >BANSHEE: Pardon the pun, but I think it's high time we had a > few words with Kang. CROW: Uh...how is that a pun? MIKE: Well...uh...everyone in this story is "high". So it's "high time". CROW: You don't know, do you? MIKE: ....No. >RIKER: Doubtless, Mr. Cassidy. . .but where do we find him? CROW: Let your fingers do the walking! TOM: [Kitty] Hey! Not like that, Mr. Riker! >TRAVELER: I can navigate the Enterprise to the point on the > time-stream where Kang's time-ship is moored. MIKE: So he's not really a Traveler, rather, he's more like a Navigator? TOM: It's Deus Ex Machina Man! >KITTY: Cool. In the meantime, someone should warn our teams > before it's too late. >WESLEY: Leave that to me. . . Like the Traveler, I can > negotiate my way through the continuum. MIKE: As long as you don't visit *this* ship, buddy! CROW: Samuel L. Jackson. Wil Wheaton. The Negotiator. >KITTY: Even cooler. Mind some company? CROW: Don't mind if I--wait a second. She's going with him WILLINGLY?! TOM: I'm having a horrible premonition here... >RIKER: Mr. Crusher. . . Ms. Pryde. . .the job's yours. CROW: [Riker] Minimum wage ok? > Bridge to all decks! Battle stations! This is not a > drill! Weapons and defense systems to operational > max! Prepare to go to. . .something! > ALL: [applaud!] TOM: [proud] Sir, that speech was just.. something! >[Page 40] >KITTY: See you soon, guys! >[Wesley and Kitty disappear in a flash of light.] TOM: Was Kitty just hitting on . . .? CROW: Nah. Couldn't be. >BANSHEE: It's not just me, is it Warren? TOM: There's no way she'd willingly go off with that slug, is there? > Kitty's growing up, > right? >ANGEL: Already grown, Sean. TOM: Ohmigod. She was! CROW: Kitty. . . TOM: Hitting. . . CROW: On. . . TOM: Wesley. . . [Tom's head explodes with a fiery *kaboom*.] MIKE: What the. . .? [Moments later, Crow's head also detonates.] MIKE: AHHHH!!!! Um. Well, I guess that it's time for a break. [Mike picks up the damaged bots and exits.] [1. . . 2. . . 3. . . 4. . . 5. . . 6. . .] [The Bridge of the Satellite. Mike is reading through his copy of the "Bot Repair Manual" while he repairs the damaged heads of Tom and Crow.] MIKE: Okay, after connecting the walcotti tube to the dicarbic generator...[Mike turns the page.]... then reattach the casing and. . . got it! [Crow flares back to consciousness.] CROW: AHHH!!!!! MIKE: Glad to have you back Crow. Now for Tom... CROW: Oh Mike! I had this horrible dream! Wesley Crusher was hanging around with the X-Men, and Shadowcat was hitting on him. Which is odd because she hasn't been in the X-Men for over a decade now... MIKE: Actually, everything you just said happened in the piece we're doing right now. And... bingo! [Tom groggily revives.] TOM: Ben? I'll take "Mathematicians do it Logarithmically." CROW: She really was hitting on him? Oh, this is horrible! TOM: The end of humanity is very near, Mike! MIKE: Guys, it's not that bad. TOM: Yes it is, Mike! You don't know what Kitty means to us! She's a symbol of purity! The last untouched visage of our youth! CROW: Yeah Mike. To any of us who read the early X-Men, Kitty was the epitome of the perfect girl! She was bright, and attractive, but she was still down to earth. And she hung around with these really cool people, plus she had super powers! TOM: Mike, this was *the* fantasy girl for most young male comic fans in the 1980s. And now, they've set her up with Wesley... CROW: Mike, you remember this, don't you? Why aren't you worked up about this?! MIKE: Well, first of all, they're both fictional characters, so I don't really care about who they're dating. As for remembering this, I was in High School in the 80s, obsessing about cars and the cheerleaders whose boyfriends kept giving me swirlies. Then I worked at the cheese factory before heading off to Happy Temps. So I don't remember any of this. And I'm kind of curious on how you two know about this though. You weren't built until about 1987. TOM: Hey! You're right. How did we know about this? MIKE: There are great mysteries in life. This may be one of them. CROW: Ahh. Who cares? I've lost all interest in this. Let's upload this fake X-Files script to the internet and watch the X-Philes go bezerk when they see that the first five seasons were all a fever dream of Frohicke's. [The lights begin to flash.] MIKE: Some other time, Crow. Right now, we've got Comic Sign! [They rush about, and the door sequence begins.] [6. . .5 . . .4 . . .3 . . .2 . . .1 . . .] [Crow, Mike and Tom enter, and quickly sit down.] CROW: Maybe we read the back issues? TOM: Joel might have downloaded those files into us... MIKE: Guys, stop worrying about it. You just know, okay? >TRAVELER: Your son will be fine, Doctor Crusher. CROW: [Crusher] It’s not my son I’m worried about. >CRUSHER: I know he will. TOM: [Crusher] That cyanide injection that I just gave him should be working his way through his system right about now... >RIKER: Ready when you are, Traveler. . . >[The Traveler places his hands on the console.] MIKE: [Traveler] Anybody up for some Zoop? No? Ok then. >TRAVELER: Please stand by. . . TOM: [Paul Harvey] For NEWS! MIKE: What's with the Paul Harvey fixation? TOM: I just love my new Boze Wave Radio and Husq-Vaarna Chainsaw! > the time/space transference > begins. . .NOW! >[The Enterprise disappears in a flash of light.] TOM: The bodies of the dead float through the inky void... > >[Page 41] >[Elsewhen. . .] CROW: Stories that didn't, couldn't, or shouldn't happen. TOM: Guess which this is. >[The USS Saratoga has just been struck by a Borg cutting beam.] CROW: Then put between two slices of bread. >CMDR SISKO: [O.S.] All power to shields! Bring us hard > around! > Try to pull the ship out of the range of > that cutting beam! MIKE: All ahead stern! Batten down the hatches! CROW: We've already battened down the hatches! MIKE: Well, batten 'em down again! We'll show those hatches! >[The scene shifts to the interior of the Saratoga, where Sisko is >leading an evacuation of the ship.] >SISKO: Lt. Proudstar! MIKE: Lt. Proudstar? Wasn't he from Battlestar Galactica? > Start getting the wounded to the > escape pods! CROW: [Sisko] So the Borg can easily pick them off... >PROUDSTAR: Aye, sir! But. . .Commander Sisko. . .what about > you? CROW: [Sisko] I'm headed for my luxury pod! So long, sucker! >SISKO: I'm not going anywhere without Jennifer and Jake. Once > I've got my wife and son I'll join you at the > evacuation! CROW: In the meantime, I'll send Rogue 2 and 3 to stop those walkers coming towards us. >[Sisko and Proudstar rush down the corridor. Storm and her >companions watch from a side corridor.] >STORM: Oh Goddess! TOM: NO! Not another crossover! > John! CROW: Ack! Now they're adding Judd Hirsch into the mix! > John Proudstar! Here! Alive! MIKE: There's a cannibalistic soccer team on the ship? >WORF: Who? > MIKE: And now they're bringing in The Doctor too! TOM: Marvel, have you no shame!? >[Page 42] MIKE: Maybe this page will have the answer to the plot... >WOLVERINE: Proudstar was a founding member of the X-Men > team, bub! He died a good while back! MIKE: So, when X-Men die they end up on Star Trek reruns? TOM: Must be hell for ‘em. > Guess we've > found our anomaly! Let's go! CROW: So lemme get this straight. We're in an alternate timeline in which Thunderbird wasn't born for ANOTHER 400 YEARS?! >[A light appears further down the hallway.] >WORF: That light! More Borg beaming in? MIKE: It's God! He's come to stop the insanity! TOM: [booming] Excuse me, but I think I need an 11th Commandment: Thou shalt not write crossovers! >DATA: I think not. . . >[Wesley and Kitty appear.] TOM: Kinda makes the Borg seem more attractive. >DATA: . . .I think these are ours. CROW: [Worf] Hey, he ain’t mine! >[Kitty hugs Wolverine.] TOM: [Wolverine gets excited and pops his claws.] [Kitty dies.] [Chris enjoys the "Kingdom Come" Trade Paperback.] MIKE: Where did *that* come from? TOM: It's kinda complicated. >WOLVERINE: Hey, Pryde! Watcha doin' here? >KITTY: Saving your bacon, Canuck! MIKE: (whispering) See, Banshee is Irish, but Wolverine is Canadian. CROW: I'm hip. >WESLEY: Data! You mustn't do anything Kang has told you to > do! TOM: [Data] Damn! Well, there goes the trip to Disneyland. >STORM: Explain, Kitty! Quickly! TOM: She said, "No do stuff for Kang." MIKE: Okay, let's give that one a rest. >KITTY: It's a set-up, Ororo! These anomalies are the natural > inconsistencies that the time-stream is using to heal > itself! TOM: You know, the more I hear it, the more it makes sense. MIKE: Remind me to give you a maintenance check. > If we change them. . .Kang will. . .Kang > will. . . MIKE: Kang Will Hunting? CROW: Drop it. >WESLEY: Kang will win, end of story. End of all stories. > MIKE: Really? So if he wins, then no more bad fan-fic? BOTS: Go Kang go! Go Kang go! >[Page 43] >[Back to Sisko.] >SISKO: How's the situation coming, Mr. Proudstar? CROW: The story still sucks, sir. Our Waid torpedoes and Morrison missiles are having no effect! MIKE: You guys are such geeks! CROW: Hey, you're the one who started crying at the end of "Q-Squared." >PROUDSTAR: [Rushing towards Sisko] ALL: AHHH!!!!! > Sir! Commander! Look ou- TOM: --ver this four leaf clover! >[Proudstar is struck in the back by a bolt of energy.] >PROUDSTAR: --AAGHH! >SIKSO: Proudstar! John! CROW: Sisko! Benjamin! MIKE: Nelson! Mike! TOM: Servo! Tom! >STORM: Again. . .It happens again. . .Oh, why?! CROW: Gasp. Choke. TOM: And we knew him so well. MIKE: I feel a piece of me has died along with Proudstar, just like when Ensign Throwaway died. >SISKO:. . . NOOO! > TOM: Looks like he saw Kitty with Wesley too. >[Page 44] >DATA: Kang's linear advantage here seems clear. . . TOM: [Data] Not only can he move sideways, he can go up and down too! > Benjamin > Sisko will go on to become Emissary of the Prophets, a > curious but potent race CROW: Potent? MIKE: Is he done talking about Kang? > who have a unique relationship > with time. If not for Sisko, they would have never > been discovered. The Prophets would seem to pose a > threat to Kang by their very nature. By letting Sisko > die, he would have eliminated their possible > interaction with the time-stream. [Mike & Crow turn to Tom.] TOM: He said "Stuff is happening." >WESLEY: Use the chronal compass to get back to the > Enterprise. They're going after Kang. Kitty and I > have to warn the other team. MIKE: [Wesley] After a quick stop at my place. CROW & TOM: AHHHHHH! >[Welsey and Kitty disappear in a flash of light.] >WORF: Ironic. . .that in a fight across time, the youngest > should also be the bravest. TOM: Don'tcha think? MIKE: A little *too* ironic. CROW: Yeah, we really do think. >WOLVERINE: 'Ro! He's stealing all my lines! TOM: Huh? When the hell did Ro Laren show up? > >[Page 45] >[The last seen is replayed on a grainy viewcreen.] >WOLVERINE: . . .all my lines! TOM: Someone else has to watch this? CROW: Maybe we can get together and compare notes. >[Kang slams his fist into the viewscreen, shattering it.] TOM: [Kang] Damnit! What's this "Terrence and Philip" crap!? >KANG: Who is this boy Wesley? MIKE: And there's our setup line! > How is he able to traverse > time and space so effortlessly? TOM: And how come he's a teenaged kid and yet he's the smartest member of the crew? MIKE: Why hasn't he been killed by the other members of the cast? CROW: AND WHY IS KITTY HANGING AROUND WITH HIM?! > And my. . .what is > this? CROW: [Kang] Jury duty? DAMN! MIKE: [Kang] Hey Marge, is this a pimple or a boil? TOM: [Marge] Oh, look what you made me write! >[Outside of Kang's ship, the Enterprise has appeared and is >launching Quantum Torpedoes at Kang's vessel.] >KANG: [O.S.] The Enterprise, challenging my plan. . . MIKE: Imitating, Shatner....Confusing readers... > How > endearing. . . TOM: [Kang] Awww, they’re foiling my evil scheme, isn’t that cute?! > pity they don't stand a chance against > my defenses. > CROW: Yeah, that is too bad. Well, back to my backgammon game! >[Page 46] >[The Bridge of the Enterprise.] >TRAVELER: Kang has culled his technology from across the > extremes of time and space. His capabilities will > be quite formidable. MIKE: And then there’s his defenses.... >RIKER: Now you tell us. MIKE: [Riker] I thought we could just walk in and shoot stuff and no one would fight back! >[Kang's ship.] >KANG: How are they here? TOM: They took the bullet train. > No matter. . .initiating defense > systems. CROW: Bilking The Pentagon... Justifying cost overruns... >[The weapons of Kang's ship fire with a massive "Thoom! Thoom! >Thoom!" sound and impact against the Enterprise's Shields.] MIKE: Hitting with a 'Poink! Poink! Poink!' sound! TOM: Uh...wow. Gee whiz. An action sequence of James Cameron proportions. >[Enterprise Bridge.] MIKE: [Lavelle] Well, that was goofy. Now what ‘sir’? >RIKER: Geordi, reinforce the forward shields. We're taking a > beating. CROW: [Geordi] Ok, but I don’t get it...shouldn’t we avoid those? >TRAVELER: I could transport myself aboard his ship and > deactivate his defenses, TOM: Ok...is this over yet? MIKE: Just a little more... > but he undoubtedly has > security devices that I cannot handle alone. MIKE: So round up some expendable ensigns! >RIKER: Leave that to us! CROW: Riker's an old hand at "handling" things. > >[Page 47] >[Post-Atomic New York] >[The away team is in a rundown room. A blonde woman is trying to >keep Picard and the others away from a woman lying unconscious on >a mattress.] TOM: Sound familiar, Mike? MIKE: Laugh it up, gumball - I know where you hide your underwear collection. >TASHA: What is this? Are you Sentinel sympathizers? CROW: _Oy_. What next, are we gonna see Doctor Pulaski falling down a hoverlift shaft? >PICARD: No. . .but you are an anomaly to this space and > time! CROW: Well, hello to you too! > You look like Tasha Yar and Tasha Yar > shouldn't be here. . . MIKE: So this is where the Star Trek cast goes when they die. TOM: Yeah, Kirk’s over in the corner reading ‘Prime Directive’. >TASHA: This is madness! Please, Kate is our only hope! We > have to break free of the Sentinel's grip! >NIGHTCRAWLER: I know what's happening here, Captain! TOM: Well, explain it to us....slowly. > Unless > Kitty's consciousness is sent back to her > younger self, this unbearable future will > become a certainty! MIKE: So, this is a legitimate comic? CROW: Yup. MIKE: No wonder Marvel’s in trouble... > Kitty is meant to travel > back from these days of future past to act as > a warning!* BOTS: WHAAAAAAAT?! CROW: KILL THIS STORY! TOM: DESTROY THIS COMIC! MIKE: What?! What is it?! CROW: Oh, nothing, Mike. Nothing at all. Except they just took one of the BEST X-Men stories and made it dependent on THIS STUPID FANFIC! >[*In the classic "Days of Future Past" presented in Uncanny X-Men >#141 and #142.-Tim] TOM: Somewhere, Chris Claremont is weeping. MIKE: He's probably reading "Sovereign Seven". [off Bots' look] What? >PICARD: But she is the anomaly! MIKE: This whole comic is an anomaly! >TROI: Captain, I sense tremendous psi-potential in her. . . ALL: [Sigh] Of course.... > This is not "our" Tasha! > MIKE: It's that telepath from B5! Get her! TOM: Talia, Mike. Talia. >[Page 48] >PICARD: Realities. . .Blending as one! How can we- - MIKE: [Picard] Girl with...kaleidoscope eyes! >[A flash of light, and Wesley and Kitty appear.] >WESLEY: Captain Picard! It's me! Wesley! MIKE: [Picard] Thanks for showing up *after* the big fight scene, Wesley! Little punk... >KITTY: Kang has tricked you all! You must let the tr- - CROW: Trash? TOM: Trish? MIKE: Trunk? CROW: Tribbles? >[A bolt of energy blasts through the wall, winging Tasha. MIKE: Well, now Wesley has served with someone with wings. CROW: Awww! Now she's a junior pilot! > A trio >of odd-looking Sentinels batter their way through the walls.] >SENTINEL-BORG: MUTANTS AND ALIEN BIO-SIGNATURES LOCATED! CROW: You know, it just doesn't get any WORSE than this! TOM: Just think, Crow, we could have a few Daleks and Cylons running around too... CROW: [hushed] You're a dead man, Tom... >PICARD: Borg! MIKE: [Picard] Hey! I’m human! >COLOSSUS: Sentinels! MIKE: Hey, you got your Borg in my chocolate! TOM: Well, you got your Sentinel in my peanut butter! >PICARD: [Text] The worst of two possible worlds! > CROW: MUST--KILL-- [starts advancing on screen--Mike grabs him] MIKE: Steady on, boyo. >[Page 49] >[Picard draws a phaser.] CROW: Then displays it in a prominent gallery in Southtown. >PICARD: Wesley! We're guided by you here! CROW: Well, they're doomed then. TOM: Nah. Wesley'll pull a MacGuyver and build an anti-Borg device out of a foozeball table and some drinking straws. MIKE: Actually, he already did that one in "Where Children have Lease." > What do we do? CROW: Because after all, Picard wants to defer to the SMARTEST MEMBER OF THE CREW AND NOT MAKE HIS OWN DECISIONS! >WESLEY: Destroy them! Defend yourselves! TOM: Then off to Hastings, where we'll smite the French! >[Picard and Troi fire their phasers at the nearest Sentinel-Borg, >while Nightcrawler teleports to Tasha and returns with her.] TOM: [Nightcrawler] Hey, look at the birdie I caught! >PICARD: How's Tasha? CROW: [Troi] Uh, dead sir. Remember? The oil slick ate her in the first season? >NIGHTCRAWLER: It's bad, ALL: TELL US ABOUT IT. > and without he psychic boost, Kate's > consciousness will never make the link back to > Kitty's. TOM: Ain’t that a shame. >TASHA: [Weakly] . . .help Kate. . .you must help Kate. . . > the task must be finished for the good of all man and > mutantkind. . . > TOM: Must...pad out...comic-- >[Page 50] >TROI: Captain! I could be the boost! MIKE: I’m really getting tired of this... CROW: I hear ya. > If you buy me time, I > think I can empathically amplify Tasha's powers and > perform the link! MIKE: [Troi] And buy me candy, too! And jewels and furs! >PICARD: Make it so! >COLOSSUS: Jut like old times, eh, Katya? CROW: [Kitty] Excuse me, but my older self is dying over here if you don’t mind! >KITTY: Just like. . . TOM: [Kitty] Yes, crossovers always bring back a tear to my eye... >[Kitty grabs a chunk of concrete and Colossus flings her into the >air.] MIKE: So old times involved being tossed into life-threatening situations by a metal-encrusted Russian? CROW: Actually - yes. TOM: These *are* the X-Men we're talking about here. >SENTINEL-BORG: TARGET MUTANT. . . >[The Sentinel-Borg fires at Kitty, but the beam passes >harmlessly through the intangible Kitty.] MIKE: So, this is the cat who could walk through Borgs then? CROW: Kitty’s one of the Untouchables! >SENTINEL-BORG: MUTANT TARGET HAS VANISHED. . . > TOM: Good! Run, Kitty! Flee! CROW: Head towards Astro City! They'll respect you there! >[Page 51] >[Kitty flies through the Sentinel-Borg's head.] MIKE: Gaining a valuable insight into Sentinel-Borg anatomy. >KITTY: I'm behind you, Sentinel. . . MIKE: [Sentinel] Oh, thanks! > and the slab of concrete > I was carrying has just materialized in your head! TOM: Gosh, Exposition Lass, thanks for explaining it! CROW: Hey! That's not funny! My mother had a steel plate in her head! MIKE: Crow, your mom was a robot.. she's *bound* to have a steel plate in her head! >[The Sentinel-Borg's head explodes into a blast of flame. TOM: Ah, I seen the Sentinel-Borg's been reading bad fanfics too! > Kitty >lands, CROW: More like lands in a broken heap. > and stops at the sight before her. Troi is attempting to >link the injured Tasha and the comatose Katherine.] >KITTY: Oh God. . . > CROW: [Kitty] I don’t age well do I? >[Page 52] >KITTY: . . .I've been told about this moment. . .but to see > it. . . TOM: [Kitty] ...it's just not all that impressive... >[Wesley appears behind Kitty.] ALL: Run!!! >WESLEY: Kitty. . .we should go. . . CROW: [Wesley] Our ear-piercing appointment is in 10 minutes! >[A vortex begins to form behind Wesley. MIKE: John Rhys-Davies runs into it in an effort to return to the Indy films... > The away team stares at >the still form of Katherine.] >WESLEY: Time to leave, Captain. . . MIKE: [Wesley] Obey me, or you get the lash... >TROI: It worked, Captain! I felt Kate's consciousness pass > across the bridge of Tasha's mind into the past! CROW: [Troi] We’ll worry about plausibility later. >[Picard and his team follow Wesley into the energy vortex, TOM: The wormy leading the stupid. > Kitty >pauses a moment to give one last look at her future self's still >form.] MIKE: That was her future self? When did this happen? TOM: It'll all be explained in the 26th volume of this crossover series. CROW: [Kitty] Hey Kurt? From now on, keep me away from the Twinkies. >TASHA: We did it, Kitten. . .We did it. . . > TOM: [Tasha] We're going to die and escape this rotten story... CROW: [Tasha] We've successfully ruined Marvel continuity... >[Page 53] >[Kang's Time Ship] >[Riker, wielding a phaser, and Banshee are fighting off an unseen >foe.] TOM: Phasers don’t have much effect against unseen opponents. >RIKER: When it gets down to this, you know you've pulled the > short straw! CROW: [Riker] Last time I let Lavelle hold the straws! >BANSHEE: You said it, Will! MIKE: Sure an' Begorrah, me boyo, you said somethin' there, me leprachaun! CROW: Okay, Mike. MIKE: See, he's IRISH! CROW: We know, honey. >[The scene pans back to reveal hordes of metallic, insect-like >drones attacking the pair.] CROW: And now they've brought in "Lost in Space"! TOM: It could just be "Runaway". CROW: Whichever. But if anyone named "MacLeod" shows up wielding a sword, I'm outta here! >RIKER: Defense drones everywhere! MIKE: Drones, Mr. Cassidy! Zillions of them! >TRAVELER: Curious. . . CROW: Who does he think he is, Spock? TOM: No, he would have said ‘Fascinating’. >RIKER: Traveler! Are we done yet? > MIKE: 'Cause some babes on Risa have two tickets to Riker-dise. >[Page 54] >[Enterprise Bridge] >[The Traveler, Banshee, and Riker have reappeared on the Bridge. CROW: [Riker] Well, that was useless. >The assembled members of both teams are also there. Picard sits >in the Captain's chair.] MIKE: [Picard] Why does Lavelle always set this damn thing so high?! >TRAVELER: Yes we are. >PICARD: Been keeping busy, Number One? TOM: Only if you count fighting unseen, insect-like defense droids busy. >RIKER: Couldn't let you take all the limelight, Captain. . . TOM: [Riker] Like he did in Generations. Grrr.... >[The Enterprise rocks from the force of a hit.] CROW: When the ship rocks in a comic book, do they draw everyone leaning over to the wrong side, then ? >DATA: Captain! We are still under attack from Kang's Time > Ship! TOM: [Data] So stop goofing off and do your job! >[The view shifts to show the Enterprise being buffeted by blasts >from the Time Ship.] CROW: So, the Time Ship is forcing them to wear Hawaiian shirts and flip-flops, drink margaritas and eat cheeseburgers in paradise? >DATA: [V.O.] I estimate we have four minutes before total > shield failure! > MIKE: As opposed to *story* failure. We've had that since page one. CROW: Well, there's still plenty of time for a Star Trek style save. >[Page 55] >[Bridge] TOM: Party game of the 50’s. >TRAVELER: Captain, close study of Kang's systems showed me > that he is using a temporal resonator to amplify > the damage caused by the Enterprise's misjump. CROW: Is "misjump" an actual word? MIKE: Close enough for Marvel work. > He's still out to dominate the continuum. >PICARD: I've no stomach for his schemes! CROW: His schemes burn my gut! TOM: He offends my sensibilities! > Geordi! Quantum > torpedoes and full phasers on that ship! FIRE! CROW: [Geordi] Where?! Oh, you mean shoot. >[The Enterprise fires a barrage against Kang's vessel.] > >[Kang's Bridge] MIKE: Ahhh! His horrible dental work! >KANG: My defense systems have failed! Registering massive > shipwide damage! How is this possible? TOM: Radar! > >[Page 56-7] >KANG: HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE!? TOM: RADAR! Sheesh... CROW: *Two* pages to say that much!?! MIKE: Kang must talk [voice low] reeeeeeaaaaaallllllllllllyyyyy sssssslllllooooooowwwwwwlllllllllyyyyyyyyy. > >[Enterprise Bridge.] >TRAVELER: The Enterprise has severely damaged Kang's vessel. > . .including the temporal resonator he was using. >LAFORGE: There's some really wild energy levels over there! CROW: [Geordi] Did someone stick a penny in his fusebox? > What was he using to power that thing? > TOM: RADAR, YOU IDIOT!! RADAR!! MIKE: Deep breaths, Tom. TOM: I can't breathe! Stop saying that to me! >[Exterior shot. The Time Ship is imploding.] TOM: It took two pages for him to yell, but not even one for his ship to implode? >TRAVELER: I would estimate a piece of super-dense quantum > material, such as white dwarf star matter. CROW: Yeah right! TOM: I sense the hand of Levitz in this... > That is > now collapsing in on itself and taking the Time > Ship with it. MIKE: Either that, or his ship is about to go boom. > >[Closeup on Kang's face.] ALL: Ewww.... >KANG: NOOO! > MIKE: Damn you, Prince of Space! >[Exterior shot. The Time Ship detonates with a massive >"FRAKOOM!"] > CROW: BLOOPOPO!!!! MIKE: ZORCHMILLGA!!!!! TOM: KRESKINGOMONOPULUWEEEE!!!!!! >[Enterprise Bridge] >PICARD: So. . .it ends. MIKE: [Picard] Or does it? >STORM: For now, Captain. ALL: Wha wha whaaaa.... > >[Page 58] >[Picard sits in his office, making an entry into the Captain's >Log, and holding a steaming cup of tea.] MIKE: [Picard] Captain's log, StardaAAAAAGGHHHHHHH!!!! Stupid McDonald's Earl Grey! >PICARD: [Text] Captain's Log, Supplemental. > Kang's ship has > imploded, leaving no trace. CROW: No trace huh? I’d check the subatomic particle everything collapsed into. > With the baleful > influence of its temporal resonator gone, the rift > between realities has begun to knit itself together > again. TOM: [Picard] Knit one, pearl two, knit one, pearl two... >[The scene shifts to the cargo room, where Data and Colossus are >effortlessly lifting heavy objects, while Geordi and Nightcrawler >look on, amused.] CROW: I *never* wanted to see Geordi checking out Data... >PICARD: [Text] Meanwhile, the phenomenal energies of the X- > Men have been put to good use in assisting us to > make shipboard repairs in record time. MIKE: Great. The World's Most Powerful Repairmen. TOM: They also double as expendable ensigns.... CROW: Of course, the X-Men will now take that technology back to the 20th century and create a time paradox when they start to use warp drive technology too early. >[The scene shifts again to the departing forms of the Traveler >and Wesley Crusher. As they prepare to leave via an energy >vortex, Kitty gives Wesley a kiss goodbye.] BOTS: NOOOOOOO!!!!!!! CROW: Oh, when will the nightmare cease?! TOM: Help help! I'm blind! MIKE: First Ashley Judd, then Chelsea Clinton, and now Kitty Pryde. He's Wesley Crusher, interdimensional studmuffin! CROW: Mike! You're not helping! >PICARD: [Text] Now all that remains are farewells. CROW: Bye! TOM: Seeya! MIKE: Don’t forget to write! > The > Traveler and Wesley Crusher are leaving to monitor > the healing of the reality rift. MIKE: [Picard] They've been granted UN Observer status. CROW: [Observer] Kang is as an amoeba to us. MIKE: Hey, pretty good impression of ol' Capeface. CROW: Thanks. I've been practicing. > I am pleased to see > that under the Traveler's tutelage, Wesley has grown > and is beginning to realize the extraordinary > destiny that awaits him. TOM: [Picard] Not to mention it keeps him the hell off my ship. > As for the Enterprise and > the X-Men. . . MIKE: [Picard] Well, we haven't even started that story yet. It'll last another 128 pages. BOTS: Noooooo!!!!! > our own worlds await. As the chronal > compasses return us to our rightful places, I am > struck by the nobility an fortitude I have witnessed > during our brief alliance. [Mike & Crow look at Tom.] TOM: He said "This story really sucks and I'm going home now." MIKE & CROW: Ahhhhh. >[The Enterprise crew watches the X-Men depart.] >STORM: Be well, Captain. This has been quite an experience. TOM: [as Storm] One that I never want to repeat again. >PICARD: For us too. CROW: [Picard, sotto voce] Shoot to kill, shoot to kill, shoot to kill. >[Worf stares at an object in his hand.] MIKE: [Worf] Is this a b'atleth I see before me? >WORF: "Sto-gie?" > MIKE: [Worf] "Lame-joke?" >[Page 59] >[Earth] >[The X-Men have reappeared in a forested setting.] MIKE: Perfect place for a picnic. >COLOSSUS: Well, that was quite a trip. . .but it will be > good to r- CROW: What? Refinance your home? >NIGHTCRAWLER: [Interrupting] TOM: How rude! > Hey! What is this? How can this > be? CROW: Boy, for a second, I was afraid they weren't going to be able to work in one more vague off-screen reference. >WOLVERINE: Good question, Elf. . . CROW: [Wolverine] Now here’s another! Knock Knock! > good question! MIKE: Not really, but nice try though! >[The X-Men are illuminated by a searing white light and. ..] > TOM: Move to Tibet to become Buddhists! >[To be continued in the Star Trek: The Next Generation/X-Men >novel "Planet X" on sale in April.] > ALL: WHAAT?! MIKE: I was kidding about the extra pages! CROW: Oh, *I* see. It's not enough you conned the fanboys into buying this pile of crap, now you're not even going to give us an ENDING?! MARVEL'S NOT JUST FINANCIALLY BANKRUPT, THEY'RE MORALLY BANKRUPT!! TOM: We gotta go. [The trio stands and exits the theater. Crow continues to mutter about "an outrage to fandom" on his way out.] [1 . . . 2 . . . 3 . . . 4 . . . 5 . . . 6 . . .] [Mike and Crow are standing center stage.] MIKE: Well, that was odd. CROW: I think we owe Ratliff an apology. MIKE: Well, it wasn't that bad. CROW: Are you kidding?!? That pile of targ droppings made "Premier Ma[r]qui[s]" read like Ethan freakin' Fromme! MIKE: Oh, there were some okay parts. I mean, it wasn't "Imzadi" or anything, but - CROW: Kitty was hitting on Wesley, Picard was blasting more people than Rambo, Kitty was hitting on Wesley, all the characters were mere shadows of their usual selves, Kitty was hiting on Wesley, there were more gratuitous cameos than there were in _The Player_! And Kitty was hitting on Wesley! MIKE: Will you get over that? They're both fictional characters. CROW: It's still important Mike! MIKE: Look, there were some good lines in there, and at least the setup involved some imagination. It can't possibly compare to our usual fanfic crossover diet of things like that X-Files/ Hee Haw crossover. CROW: Well, as Tom would say . . . MIKE: [Interrupting] Say, where is Tom? [Tom strolls onto the Bridge, lightly whistling a tune and carrying a stack of comic books.] TOM: Oh hi guys! I just wandered to the mail room to pick up my week's supply of comics. MIKE: Tom, how are getting things delivered up here? And when did we get a mail room? CROW: Did anything cool come in? TOM: [To Crow] Take a look. [To Mike] We've always had a mailroom. It's next to the pool. MIKE: We have a pool? TOM: [Continuing] And we're getting things delivered up here because I'm paying extra for the service. After our fanboy action figure sales take off, we'll be able to easily afford it. MIKE: But you haven't sold any of them yet! TOM: True. But we will soon. Oh, by the way Mike, if your Discover card statement shows any charges from "Time Warp Comics", don't worry about it. We'll pay you back soon. MIKE: Not my Discover! Tom... [Crow, who has a look of sheer terror on his face, interrupts.] CROW: Hey Tom? TOM: Yeah? CROW: You know how Kitty seems to be hitting on every male around her lately? TOM: You mean like Pete Wisdom and Wesley? CROW: Uh-huh. TOM: [pause] Well? CROW: She's in this issue of Wolverine.... TOM: Uh oh. CROW: So she and Logan might be... TOM: Going at it like a pair of crazed ice weasels? CROW: Yes. [They stare at each other for a moment, then....] BOTS: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [The bots' screams of agony continue. Mike stands watching the pair with a bemused expression on his face. After a full minute of the screams, Mike reaches over to the console and taps a button. A Cone of Silence (TM) descends over the robotic duo, silencing their wails of despair. As the Cone lowers, the Castle light begins to flash.] MIKE: I still don't understand those two. [He notices the light and hits it.] Yes? [Castle Forrester] [Pearl stands in the foreground. Mingling near the far wall are the executives from the opening.] PEARL: Mike? Why aren't you drooling like a madman? I thought that story would have done you in for sure. [SoL] MIKE: [Shrugs] Hey, they're just drawings on a page to me. It's not like it was "Hobgoblins: The Comic Book." [Castle Forrester] PEARL: Hmmm."Hobgoblins: The Comic". [scribbles on a notepad] Call Image about Rick Sloane signature line. [Pearl looks up.] Well, at least I took out your little electro-pals. [SoL] MIKE: These two? Nope. Marvel did that. [Castle Forrester] PEARL: *Marvel* did it? [SoL] MIKE: Yeah, they're upset about that Kitty girl. Oh, and it sounds like they've got some sort of ice weasel wandering around, too - whatever that is. Anyway, they'll forget what they're screaming about in a few minutes, so, nope, we're all fine up here. Sorry. [Castle Forrester] PEARL: An Ice Weasel, huh? Well, you may have won this round, Nelson. But I'll be back, and with the money that the suits gave me to send this to you, I'll have an even worse piece ready for you. Does the phrase "Battlefield Earth" mean anything to you? Bwah-ha-ha! [There's a knock on the off-screen door of the Castle.] PEARL: Bobo? Will you get that? BOBO: Sure thing, Lawgiver! [To the execs] I'll have to finish telling you about my tick problem later. [He exits] [Observer steps next to Pearl.] OBSERVER: Pearl, for the sake of all that is holy, please let me send him to the cornfield like we discussed. PEARL: Brain Guy, I keep telling you, if we send him to the cornfield, then who's going to get my lotto tickets? Cause I'm not going to walk down to the Stop 'N' Go... [Off-screen, we hear Bobo opening the Castle door. Suddenly, there's a loud crash, and the sounds of many running feet can be heard.] BOBO: [O.S.] Hey! You just can't run in here like that! Whoops! My mistake! I guess that you *can* run in here like that. [The pitter-patter of feet grows louder. Suddenly, a horde of people burst into sight. The horde seems to consist of several brightly clad mutants, and a throng of people dressed in Starfleet uniforms. The executives see the horde and run away, in horror.] OBSERVER: Pearl, I believe that I have other matters to attend to... PEARL: Me too. Later Nelson. [To Observer] RUNNNNNNN!!!!!!!! [The pair quickly runs out of the scene, followed quickly by the screaming horde. A pair of figures detach themselves from the horde and walk calmly over to the viewscreen. It's Riker and Kitty Pryde.] KITTY: Hi Mike! RIKER: [Giving a nod of recognition] Nelson. Thanks for tipping us off to where these people were hiding. We've been looking for them for quite a while now. [SoL] [Mike now stands next to Gypsy. Tom and Crow are still under the Cone of Silence (TM), screaming.] MIKE: Don't thank me, thank Gypsy. She's the one who came up with the idea. GYPSY: Null persp. Just call me the Mr. Johnson for this run, chummers. [Mike stares at his Purple cohort for a moment, then shakes his head and glances away.] MIKE: [Mumbling] I don't really understand her either. [Normal Voice] Anyway, we're glad that we could help you with this. [Castle Forrester] KITTY: The pleasure's all ours. Believe me, they've had this coming for a long, long time. [Mumbling] That'll teach them to turn me into a living ghost. RIKER: [Looking stage left] Lavelle! Put down that carving knife! KITTY: Anyway, it's a chance for all of us to work out some long-standing difficulties that we've had with the Powers That Be. RIKER: [To Kitty] Excuse me for a second. Gates appears to have gone postal. CRUSHER: [O. S.] And that's for that unflattering closeup in Generations! And that's for Season 7! And that's for keeping me out of Patriot Games! RIKER: [Exiting] Gates! I can get you a cameo on my show! Just calm down! [SoL] MIKE: Kitty? Can you help me calm down some friends of mine? [Castle Forrester] KITTY: Sure! [SoL] MIKE: Great! [Mike raises the Cone of Silence (TM). Tom and Crow are still screaming. Mike grasps both of them by the shoulder.] MIKE: Hey guys, I think that there's someone here that you should talk to... [The bots stops screaming, and their jaws drop in shock.] TOM: Kitty? CROW: It's really you? [Castle Forrester] KITTY: Hey guys! [SoL] TOM: Kitty, before we fall at your feet in worshipful fanboyhood, we've got just one question for you. CROW: It's really important! TOM: Yeah, so just tell us the truth. CROW: Are you sleeping with Wolverine? TOM: Or Wesley? CROW: Or Pete Wisdom? TOM: Or Rigby Fallon? [Castle Forrester] KITTY: No, of course not. [SoL] BOTS: Whew! [Castle Forrester] KITTY: [Continuing] Wesley's not my type, Pete and I were just friends, and everyone knows that Wolverine and Bishop are an item. And I have no idea who that last guy is. No, I'm devoted to my one true love muffin, Leonardo DiCaprio. [SoL] TOM: L-L-Leonardo? CROW: DiCaprio? MIKE: Uh, guys? TOM: The _