Mystery Usenet Theater 3000: Election 2000 Wrap-up Misted by Matt Blackwell [mblackwl@ix.netcom.com] [Season 10 Opening] [The scene opens on the Bridge of the Satellite of Love. Mike Nelson, former temp worker and now full time resident of the SoL, stands behind the command console, shaking and looking very disheveled. After a moment, he looks up, groggy-eyed and begins to haltingly speak.] Mike: Hi, everybody and welcome to the Satellite of Love. As many of you know, it's election season back down on Earth. Still. And we up here on the SoL got caught up in the excitement and made a vow back in November not to sleep until we found out who our next President would be. [pause] In retrospect, that may have been a mistake. I've been drinking coffee non-stop now for the past two and a half weeks and my double vision tripped over to octuple vision on Tuesday. As for my robot so-called "pals"... [Tom and Crow enter, carrying a football.] Crow: Hey, Mike! Wanna go toss the pigskin around? [Mike groggily glares at Crow.] Crow: Oh. Right. No sleep for five weeks. Forgot about that. Mike: My little "pals" forgot to remind me when I made the pledge that they didn't need to bother with trivial things like sleep being robots... Tom: Whoopsie. Crow: Well, hey, we don't need to sleep. You have working arms. That's a fair trade off. Mike: No, it's not. [The lights signaling a call from Castle Forrester begin to flash.] Mike: Hold on, guys. Anderson, Perot and Wallace are calling. [Mike hits the light, taking us to...] [Castle Forrester] [Things are quite somber in the Castle. Only Pearl can be seen although some noise can be heard in the background.] Pearl: [Flatly] Mike. Crow. Tom. [SoL] Mike: Something wrong, Pearl? [Castle Forrester] Pearl: Oh, it's just this election. [SoL] Mike: Oh, you haven't been sleeping either? [Castle Forrester] Pearl: Nope. Been sleeping fine. [SoL] Mike: Oh, well I guess your candidate lost then? [Castle Forrester] Pearl: [Snorts] Please. My guy's been out of the race for months. It seems that the election commission used some silly technicality to dump the Mad Scientist Party's candidate. [Animatedly] I mean, if they're going to kick out a person simply because they've committed a few dozen felonies, well they might as well just arrest us all! [SoL] Crow: Er... Tom: Yeah. Mike: So where are Bobo and Observer? [Castle Forrester] Pearl: Oh, they're watching "Buffy." Apparently the ape and the space alien feel disconnected from our political system. [SoL] Crow: Oh yeah! Buffy's on! Tom: Say, I hear this episode was directed by John Woo! Crow: Oooh! Buffy with guns! Mike! Let's change the channel! [Castle Forrester] Pearl: Hold on there, boyos! You've still got your civic duty to perform! [SoL] Mike: [confused] I voted absentee, Pearl. Tom: And Tom and I are underage, so we can't vote. Crow: Plus the Supreme Court hasn't decided whether or not we robots even get to vote yet. [Castle Forrester] Pearl: No, not that duty. I'm talking about your other civic duty; your duty to go into that theater and make fun of the winner! [SoL] Mike: How is that our civic duty? [Castle Forrester] Pearl: Oh, I'm sure there's something listed about it in the declaration of rights or something. Besides, who would you rather see in the forefront of making fun of our new President? You? Or would you prefer one of those SNL doofi? Do you really want Chris Kattan to be considered to be the preeminent political comedian of the 2000s? Do you? [SoL] Crow: Well, when you put it that way... Tom: Still, why the sudden concern with our rep, Pearl? [Castle Forrester] Pearl: Hey, you may be lab rats, but you're my lab rats. Besides, Lorne Michaels keeps calling me up and boasting and I want to stick it to him. Now, get in there and riff that acceptance speech! YOU'VE GOT POLITICS SIGN! [SoL] [The lights are flashing wildly. The trio looks a bit perplexed.] Mike: Politics sign? Crow: That's a new one. Tom: I dunno. I think Clayton may have used it once or twice. Remember that Quayle speech? Mike: Oh, never mind. WE'VE GOT POLITICS SIGN! [Mike hits the lights and the door sequence begins.] [6 . . . 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . ] [The trio enters and sits.] Mike: Hey guys? I just realized; how were you going to play football when your arms don't work? Tom: Oh, we were just going to tuck it under our arms like on those old electric football games. >Good evening. > Mikes: Ladies and gentlemen! The hardest working man in Federal government! The amazing Mr. Please-Please himself! The star of our speech, the Godfather of Politics! Mr. Al Gore! >Just moments ago, I spoke with George W. Bush and congratulated him on >becoming the 43rd president of the United States Tom: He's the 44th if you count "Prez" and Vice President Eagle Free. > ... and I promised him that >I wouldn't call him back this time. > Crow: He was heartbroken. He thought that the date had gone really well and we had had a lot of fun! >I offered to meet with him as soon as possible so that we can start to >heal the divisions of the campaign and the contest through which we >just passed. > Mike: And I promised to mail his daughter's fingers to him as soon as possible. >Almost a century and a half ago, Senator Stephen Douglas told Abraham >Lincoln, Crow: I'm sure the South isn't serious about seceding. Go ahead and stand up to them! > who had just defeated him for the presidency, "Partisan >feeling must yield to patriotism. I'm with you, Mr. President, and >God bless you." > Tom: Here, take these theater tickets. I hear Booth is really good in it. >Well, in that same spirit, I say to President-elect Bush that what >remains of partisan rancor must now be put aside, Mike: So that the remaining rancor can be used in the next election. Crow: Recycling rancor! The environmentally sound way to campaign! > and may God bless his >stewardship of this country. > Mike: George W. Bush! America's blessed butler! >Neither he nor I anticipated this long and difficult road. Tom: Nor did we anticipate carrying that weight down that road. > Certainly >neither of us wanted it to happen. Tom: The cable news channels certainly did though. > Yet it came, Mike: And it just! Wouldn't! Leave! > and now it has ended, Crow: I thought that ending it with Al Gore waking up in Bob Hartley's apartment was a nice touch. >resolved, Mike: Although not resolved enough so that the talk shows can't still debate it for another few weeks. > as it must be resolved, through the honored institutions of >our democracy. > Tom: Dubya and I went out back and arm wrestled for it. And I still say his elbow left the table. >Over the library of one of our great law schools is inscribed >the motto, Mike: "Sue the bastards! Bleed them dry!" >"Not under man but under God and law. Crow: The elections over because someone mentioned Nazis? Tom: That's Godwin's Law, Crow. > That's the ruling principle of >American freedom, the source of our democratic liberties. Mike: And it's the secret ingredient for Coca Cola! > I've tried to >make it my guide throughout this contest as it has guided America's >deliberations of all the complex issues of the past five weeks. > Tom: Huh. I could have sworn the Courts were getting advice from a Magic 8-Ball. Crow: Verdict Unclear. Ask again later. >Now the U.S. Supreme Court has spoken. Mike: And they said "If you two don't stop bickering, we're going to give the Presidency to Greenspan, so stop it!" > Let there be no doubt, while I >strongly disagree with the court's decision, I accept it. Crow: And now, I'm going to barricade myself in my office. But this has *nothing* to do with the election! > I accept the >finality of this outcome which will be ratified next Monday in the >Electoral College. And tonight, for the sake of our unity of the >people and the strength of our democracy, I offer my concession. > Crow: I'll be selling snow cones and pop here from the Vice Presidential Mansion. >I also accept my responsibility, which I will discharge >unconditionally, to honor the new president elect and do everything >possible to help him bring Americans together in fulfillment of the >great vision that our Declaration of Independence defines and that >our Constitution affirms and defends. > Tom: I'll start with some advice: You know, John Ashcroft would make a *great* Attorney General. I'm certain he'd just sail through the confirmation process with no problem at all. >Let me say how grateful I am to all those who supported me and >supported the cause for which we have fought. Mike: Although I no longer remember what that cause was, after five weeks of this mess. But I'm sure it was important! > Tipper and I feel a deep gratitude to >Joe and Hadassah Lieberman who brought passion and high purpose to our >partnership and opened new doors, not just for our campaign but for >our country. > Crow: Oh, he's not going to kiss Lieberman too, is he? Mike: I sure hope not. >This has been an extraordinary election. But in one of God's >unforeseen paths, Tom: ...somehow, they're making *another* Batman flick. > this belatedly broken impasse can point us all to a new common >ground, for its very closeness can serve to remind us that we are one >people with a shared history and a shared destiny. > Mike: And that destiny is me in 2004! >Indeed, that history gives us many examples of contests as hotly >debated, as fiercely fought, with their own challenges to the >popular will. > Crow: Carthage vs. Rome! Tom: North vs. South! Mike: Tastes great vs. less filling! >Other disputes have dragged on for weeks before reaching resolution. >And each time, both the victor and the vanquished have accepted the >result peacefully and in the spirit of reconciliation. > Crow: We'll just ignore the countless counter-examples where these grudges continue for centuries upon centuries. >So let it be with us. > >I know that many of my supporters are disappointed. I am too. But our >disappointment must be overcome by our love of country. > Mike: But if we were to form our *own* country, hint, hint... >And I say to our fellow members of the world community, let no one see >this contest as a sign of American weakness. Tom: Instead, see it as a sign of Florida's weakness. Heck, you could just walk in and take it over. > The strength of American >democracy is shown most clearly through the difficulties it can >overcome. > Crow: Plus we still have nukes! And Bill's been feeling testy lately! >Some have expressed concern that the unusual nature of this election >might hamper the next president in the conduct of his office. I do not >believe it need be so. > Tom: And if certain President-Elects make a donation to my campaign fund, I may even tell him where the keys to the Pentagon are. >President-elect Bush inherits a nation whose citizens will be ready to >assist him in the conduct of his large responsibilities. > Mike: Well, some of them at least. The rest will be at home watching TV. >I personally will be at his disposal, Crow: If he needs shoes shined, I'll be there! If he needs a fresh cup of coffee, call on me! I'll do anything to hang around the White House! Please! > and I call on all Americans... I >particularly urge all who stood with us to unite behind our next >president. Tom: And ... time. Mike: Okay, unity time's over! Resume your partisan bickering now! > This is America. Crow: Although David Bowie still insists it isn't. Tra-la-la-la-la. > Just as we fight hard when the stakes are >high, we close ranks and come together when the contest is done. > Mike: You don't see us rioting at soccer games! No sir! [mumbling] Blasted Europeans. Sitting over there, laughing at us. Well, we'll show you. Oh yes. We will... >And while there will be time enough to debate our continuing >differences, now is the time to recognize that that which unites us is >greater than that which divides us. > Tom: And what are we united about? Our hatred of Pauly Shore, of course. >While we yet hold and do not yield our opposing beliefs, there is a >higher duty than the one we owe to political party. Crow: And that's our allegiance to the all-mighty dollar. > This is America and we put >country before party. We will stand together behind our new president. > Tom: o/~ Stand to-get-her! Right now! Over Bush! o/~ >As for what I'll do next, I don't know the answer to that one yet. Mike: But I can tell you, if I see that Ralph Nader, I'll be unsafe at any speed. > Like >many of you, I'm looking forward to spending the holidays with family >and old friends. Crow: And after that, I'll be club-hopping with Jon Bon Jovi and Alec Baldwin! > I know I'll spend time in Tennessee and mend some fences, >literally and figuratively. > Tom: And after they're fixed, that nice Sawyer boy has promised me that I can whitewash them for him! Joy! >Some have asked whether I have any regrets and I do have one regret: Mike: I really wished I hadn't gone to see "Battlefield: Earth". Boy, there's two hours of my life I'll never have back... > that >I didn't get the chance to stay and fight for the American people over >the next four years, especially for those who need burdens lifted and >barriers removed, especially for those who feel their voices have not >been heard. Crow: Like Christian Slater! Who speaks for the Christian Slaters of America? > I >heard you and I will not forget. > Tom: And I promise, I will fight for the higher emission standards that you have so loudly demanded! >I've seen America in this campaign and I like what I see. Mike: Especially the forests. I was so happy to see so many of my people standing free and proud! > It's worth >fighting for and that's a fight I'll never stop. > Crow: Unless I get that CEO position at TriStar that they've been dangling in front of me. Then it's so long, suckers! >As for the battle that ends tonight, I do believe as my father once >said, that no matter how hard the loss, defeat might serve as well as >victory to shape the soul and let the glory out. > Tom: Of course, Vince Lombardi kicked his ass after he said it. >So for me this campaign ends as it began: with the love of Tipper and >our family; Mike: Please, no more kissing, Al! > with faith in God and in the country I have been so proud to >serve, from Vietnam to the vice presidency; Crow: Although sometimes I've gotten the two confused, like when I accidentally killed off half the Congress members from Ohio while I was out on a S&D against Charlie. > and with gratitude to our >truly tireless campaign staff and volunteers, including all those who >worked so hard in Florida for the last 36 days. > Tom: Ah, that would be the chad wranglers. >Now the political struggle is over and we turn again to the unending >struggle for the common good of all Americans and for those multitudes >around the world who look to us for leadership in the cause of >freedom. > >In the words of our great hymn, "America, America": "Let us crown thy >good with brotherhood, from sea to shining sea." > Tom: And in the words of another great song, "Who let the dogs out? Woof. Woof. Woof." >And now, my friends, in a phrase I once addressed to others, it's time >for me to go. > Mike: Heh. Boy, I hate it when irony bites me in the rear like that. >Thank you and good night, and God bless America. Tom: Offer void in Florida and New Mexico. >Thank you very much. Mike: Ladies and gentlemen, America's first Elvis Impersonator-American President! > Thank you. > Crow: You little pinheads. I'll teach you not to vote for me... >Thank you very much. Crow: Well, you're welcome. Tom: That was nice of him to thank you personally. Crow: Yes, it was. Pearl: [V.O.] And now, the Bush team's response. Mike: [sarcastically] Oh, thanks Pearl. Crow: Oh, like we can't tell the difference between Gore and Bush. Tom: Bush is the rodeo clown, right? > Good evening, my fellow Americans. I appreciate >so very much the opportunity to speak with you tonight. > Mike: I mean, did any of us really want to see another episode of "Millionaire"? >Mr. Speaker, Lieutenant Governor, friends, Tom: Romans... > distinguished guests, Crow: The cast of "Homeboys from Outer Space"... > our >country has been through a long and trying period, with the outcome of >the presidential election not finalized for longer than any of us >could ever imagine. > Mike: Well, Tom Clancy could have. Crow: And he'd have tossed in terrorists and an invasion from Kazakhstan to boot! >Vice President Gore and I put our hearts and hopes into our campaigns. >We both gave it our all. We shared similar emotions, so I understand >how difficult this moment must be for Vice President Gore and his >family. > Crow: But my empathy doesn't prohibit me from proclaiming, "Ha ha! Gore lost! I won! Whoop, whoop, whoop!" >He has a distinguished record of service to our country as a >congressman, a senator and a vice president. > Tom: But not the Presidency! Nyah, nyah, nyah! I'm better than you are! I'm better... >This evening I received a gracious call from the vice president. Mike: I'm fairly sure it was the vice president, although I'm not sure who Mike Rotch is. > We agreed >to meet early next week in Washington and we agreed to do our best to >heal our country after this hard-fought contest. > Crow: So, we've invited everyone over for a cup of Celestial Seasonings. Come on down, everyone! >Tonight I want to thank all the thousands of volunteers and campaign >workers who worked so hard on my behalf. > Mike: Oddly, they're the same ones who worked for Gore. >I also salute the vice president and his supports for waging a >spirited campaign. Tom: And about burning my parents' house down, well, these things happen in campaigns. > And I thank him for a call that I know was difficult to make. Crow: But you have to respect his couragiousity for going for it on 4th and long. >Laura and I wish the vice president and Senator Lieberman and their >families the very best. > Mike: Or at least the best that loser non-Presidents like you can have. [snicker] >I have a lot to be thankful for tonight. Tom: Penguins. Throat lozenges. FIFA 2001 for the PS2. Katherine Harris... > I'm thankful for America and >thankful that we were able to resolve our electoral differences in a >peaceful way. > Crow: And no, Mr. McMahon, we're not going on "RAW" to settle things once and for all. >I'm thankful to the American people for the great privilege of being >able to serve as your next president. > Mike: And I'm even more thankful that Presidents eat for free down at the Lone Star BBQ in Wichita, 'cause I'm hankerin' for some ribs! >I want to thank my wife and our daughters for their love. Laura's >active involvement as first lady has made Texas a better place, and >she will be a wonderful first lady of America. > Crow: That sounds like a new sitcom. "First Lady of America"! Tom: Nah. "Amazon Women on the Moon" already did that one. >I am proud to have Dick Cheney by my side, and America will be proud >to have him as our next vice president. > Mike: Did I say that right, sir? Stop looking at me and look at the camera? Huh? >Tonight I chose to speak from the chamber of the Texas House of >Representatives because it has been a home to bipartisan cooperation. Crow: And because we've got more guns here than in an Army division. Try and get me now, Gore-boy! > Here >in a place where Democrats have the majority, Republicans and >Democrats have worked together to do what is right for the people we >represent. > Tom: And what's right means nachos! >We've had spirited disagreements. Mike: Using that definition, World War II was a small scuffle. > And in the end, we found constructive >consensus. It is an experience I will always carry with me, an example >I will always follow. > Crow: So whaddya think? Should I seek a consensus? Huh? Should I? >I want to thank my friend, House Speaker Pete Laney, a Democrat, who >introduced me today. Tom: And I'm sure that the knife sticking out of my back was meant in the spirit of true friendship. > I want to thank the legislators from both political >parties with whom I've worked. > Mike: The Silly Party and the Slightly Silly Party? >Across the hall in our Texas capitol is the state Senate. Crow: And next to that is the House of Commons. I'm still not really sure how that got here. > And I cannot >help but think of our mutual friend, the former Democrat lieutenant >governor, Bob Bullock. Tom: Is he going to name *every* member of the Texas Legislature? Mike: Former Democrat? Crow: Yeah, he got traded to the Greens for a shortstop and and a left fielder. > His love for Texas and his ability to work in a >bipartisan way continue to be a model for all of us. > Mike: He has taught us that man is indeed a thinking creature. And because of that, the greatest in the universe. >The spirit of cooperation I have seen in this hall is what is needed >in Washington, D.C. Crow: And if we can't find that spirit, then how about a good, old-fashioned Texas ass-whoopin'! Tom: George Walker Texas Ranger Bush! > It is the challenge of our moment. After a difficult >election, we must put politics behind us and work together to make the >promise of America available for every one of our citizens. > Tom: Except for you Democrats, of course. >I am optimistic that we can change the tone in Washington, D.C. > Mike: Yep. It'll go from "hostile" to "openly exchanging gunfire". >I believe things happen for a reason, Crow: He's a Calvinist? Tom: I've got a touch of deterministalism in me. > and I hope the long wait of the last >five weeks will heighten a desire to move beyond the bitterness and >partisanship of the recent past. > Mike: And I hope that Santa will bring me that shiny new bike I asked for too! >Our nation must rise above a house divided. Americans share hopes and >goals and values far more important than any political disagreements. > Tom: Hopes like a return of the lovable Domino's Pizza mascot, the Noid. >Republicans want the best for our nation, and so do Democrats. Our >votes may differ, but not our hopes. > Crow: And both sides hope that the other will just go away! >I know America wants reconciliation and unity. I know Americans want >progress. Mike: I know America wants beer. > And we must seize this moment and deliver. > Crow: President Dennis Moore. >Together, guided by a spirit of common sense, common courtesy and >common goals, we can unite and inspire the American citizens. > Mike: Come on, everyone! Give me an "A"! Give me an "M"! >Together, we will work to make all our public schools excellent, >teaching every student of every background and every accent, so that >no child is left behind. > Tom: Starring Kirk Cameron. >Together we will save Social Security and renew its promise of a >secure retirement for generations to come. > Crow: Generations in this case meaning "one". >Together we will strengthen Medicare and offer prescription drug >coverage to all of our seniors. > Mike: Or we just might buy everyone a bottle of Tylenol and warn them that it has to last them 50 years. >Together we will give Americans the broad, fair and fiscally >responsible tax relief they deserve. > Tom: Or maybe I'll just cut the taxes of my old frat-buddies. That'd be cool too. >Together we'll have a bipartisan foreign policy true to our values and >true to our friends, and we will have a military equal to every >challenge and superior to every adversary. > Crow: Is this a speech from the President or Lex Luthor? Tom: Well, they're one and the same these days... Mike: I don't care, guys. >Together we will address some of society's deepest problems one person >at a time, Mike: Let's start with Steve Ballentine of Sherman Oaks! Steve, we'll all be dropping by tomorrow afternoon! > by encouraging and empowering the good hearts and good works of >the American people. > Tom: And if that doesn't work, hey! Free beer! >This is the essence of compassionate conservatism and it will be a >foundation of my administration. > Crow: The free beer is a foundation? Mike: America! It's just like Hooters, but without hot wings. >These priorities are not merely Republican concerns or Democratic >concerns; they are American responsibilities. > Tom: Like taking out the American trash! Or changing the American cat's litter box! >During the fall campaign, we differed about the details of these >proposals, but there was remarkable consensus about the important >issues before us: Crow: Consensus that we should try and avoid discussing those issues whenever possible. > excellent schools, retirement and health security, tax >relief, a strong military, a more civil society. > Mike: And an end to that accursed Michael Richards Show! >We have discussed our differences. Now it is time to find common >ground and build consensus to make America a beacon of opportunity in >the 21st century. > Tom: We'll provide the unskilled workers that China will desperately need in their factories! >I'm optimistic this can happen. Our future demands it and our history >proves it. Crow: And, heck, Greenspan demands it! And so it shall be done! > Two hundred years ago, in the election of 1800, America >faced another close presidential election. A tie in the Electoral >College put the outcome into the hands of Congress. > Mike: Congress should have a decision for us on that, just as soon as Senator Thurmond ends his filibuster. >After six days of voting and 36 ballots, the House of Representatives >elected Thomas Jefferson the third president of the United States. Tom: After all, his face was already on the two-dollar bill and the nickel. He might as well be President. > That >election brought the first transfer of power from one party to another >in our new democracy. > Crow: Although the Freemasons still secretly ran the show. >Shortly after the election, Jefferson, in a letter titled >"Reconciliation and Reform," wrote this. Tom: [Statesmanlike] I am Slim Shady. Yes, I am the real Shady. All you other Slim Shadys are just imitating. > "The steady character of our countrymen is a >rock to which we may safely moor; unequivocal in principle, reasonable >in manner. We should be able to hope to do a great deal of good to the >cause of freedom and harmony." > Mike: Or if that fails, we should be able to field one heck of a basketball team. >Two hundred years have only strengthened the steady character of >America. Crow: Gee, I'd hate to see what an unsteady America would look like. Tom: It'd probably look like Detroit. >And so as we begin the work of healing our nation, tonight I call upon >that character: Mike: My 17th Level barbarian Rolf Tirebiter! He's got a cool +5 sword, and a war horse, and a Helm of Brilliance... > respect for each other, respect for our differences, >generosity of spirit, and a willingness to work hard and work together >to solve any problem. > Tom: This sounds like an after school special. >I have something else to ask you, to ask every American. Mike: Can I borrow twenty bucks? This election's left me a bit tapped... > I ask for you to >pray for this great nation. I ask for your prayers for leaders from >both parties. I thank you for your prayers for me and my family, and I >ask you pray for Vice President Gore and his family. > Crow: And instantly, the earth swallowed Al Gore up whole. Tom: Good! Now, help me pray for Sandra Bullock and a tub of whipped cream! >I have faith that with God's help we as a nation will move forward >together as one nation, indivisible. And together we will create and >America that is open, so every citizen has access to the American >dream; Mike: See? Here it is! Whoops! Too slow! Here, try it again! Whoops! Too slow, kiddo! >an America that is educated, so every child has the keys to realize >that dream; and an America that is united in our diversity and our >shared American values that are larger than race or party. > Tom: An America united in its versimilitudiness so we can stride togetherness toward eternonitil! >I was not elected to serve one party, but to serve one nation. > Crow: And that nation is Albania! >The president of the United States is the president of every single >American, of every race and every background. > Tom: Well, he's not the President of the South Americans, is he? Mike: Actually, he is. Clinton signed an executive order just before he left. >Whether you voted for me or not, I will do my best to serve your >interests and I will work to earn your respect. > Crow: But those of you who did vote for me will get more of their interests served. >I will be guided by President Jefferson's sense of purpose, Mike: He'll need a psychic for that. Tom: Eh. Call Nancy Reagan. She'll recommend some folks. > to stand for >principle, to be reasonable in manner, and above all, to do great good >for the cause of freedom and harmony. > >The presidency is more than an honor. It is more than an office. Tom: It's a spacious 2-bathroom loft! Crow: I feel like I'm watching an Army commercial. > It is a >charge to keep, and I will give it my all. > >Thank you very much and God bless America. Tom: "God bless America, everyone!" said Tiny Tim, the last of all. Mike: So, who was it speaking again? Crow: I'm not sure. Rick Lazio, maybe? Tom: Let's just get out of here. [They stand and leave.] [1 . . . 2 . . . 3 . . . 4 . . . 5 . . . 6 . . . ] [The Bridge] [Mike stands between the two bots, who themselves stand behind the command console.] Mike: Wow! Politics! Tom: Yep! Crow: Great. Yee-haw. Mike: Well guys, what have we learned from the candidates? Crow: I've learned that they both seem to have the same speech writers. Tom: And I've learned it's really important to thank people. Friends, opponents, children, pizza deliverymen. Why, heck! I imagine that all Congress is a bunch of people standing around thanking each other all day! Mike: That's not really what they do. I think. Granted, I haven't been down there in a while... Hm. I suppose I could watch C-SPAN and find out, but... nah. [to the bots] Still, I'm a bit disappointed in you two. These two politicians make these dynamic speeches and all you two learn is cynicism. Crow: Au contraire, Mike! Tom: Crow and I have caught quite a bit of the political spirit ourselves! Mike: Really? Crow: Yep, and we'd thought we'd show it with a spirited political debate about the most important issue of our times. Tom: By prior agreement, my esteemed colleague Crow T. Robot will begin. Crow: Thank you, Tom. Ahem. Of all the babealicious political commentators there are out there, Ann Coulter outshines them all by far. Why all these others together couldn't even reach one percent of the radiance that the divine Ms. Coulter emits even on her worst day. Tom: Oh, horse feathers! She's nothing when compared to Laura Ingrahm! Her fiery temper! Her insight into today's issues! Her golden hair! Her devotion to supply-side economics... Mike: Guys? Are you really going to debate "Who's hotter? Laura or Ann?" when there are so many more important issues to discuss? What about national defense? Or the environment? Or social security reforms? Election reforms? Biotech... Crow: Hey, Mike? I just thought of something. Aren't you still running on no hours of sleep? Mike: That's right. I had almost forgotten about that what with the excitement of the spee... [As he speaks, Mike's eyes roll up, and he collapses, disappearing behind the console. Snoring can be heard almost immediately.] Tom: Nice job, Crow. Crow: Thanks. Hey Pearl? Can we get outta here now? [Castle Forrester] [Pearl is talking with a man wearing a business suit.] Pearl: Hey guys. Can't talk now. I've got a client. Jeb: So, you'll build a new voting machine for us? Pearl: Sure. Your check cleared. Jeb: And it'll be simple enough even a moron could use it? Pearl: Yep. I'll test it on Bobo to make sure. Jeb: No chads at all on this? Pearl: Nope. Jeb: And it'll be completely unable to be tampered with? Pearl: Oh, sure. [snicker] Absolutely untamperable. Jeb: [coldly] Ms. Forrester. I hope you understand I'm nowhere as dumb as my brother. Pearl: Er... Jeb: And there are millions of unexplored acres in The Everglades where I could dump a body if someone decided to rig the machines so that her candidate could win. Am I making myself clear on this matter? Pearl: Yes sir. [to the camera] Guys? It looks like I'm going straight on this one. I'll talk to you later. [SoL] [Crow and Tom stand beside a ballot box, examining ballots. Mike's snores can be heard from beneath the console.] Crow: Okay, that's one for Ann. One for Laura. And one for Wavy Gravy. Tom: [sarcastically] Oh, thanks Gypsy. [normal] Oh well. I'll ask for a recount. Crow: Okay. Ann. Laura. Gravy. Same result as the last eight times. Tom: You think we should wake Mike up to cast the deciding vote? Crow: Nah. He'd just vote for Mickey Mouse again. Besides, he looks so peaceful when he's sleeping. Tom: Yeah. [The bots stare blissfully down at Mike for a few moments.] Tom: So, should I get the pan of warm water now? Crow: You bet. I'll get his hand. [to the camera] Good night, all. [And the picture disappears with a... \ | / \ | / --- * --- PWOOOOSH! / | \ / | \ ---------------------------------------------------------- Mystery Usenet Theater 3000: Election 2000 Wrap-up Was written by hordes of unnamed speechwriters and misted by Matt Blackwell Special thanks to Rottweiller, Keith Palmer, Nick Frame and Kevin Griffith for their proofreading assistance. "Mystery Science Theater 3000" and related characters and situations are trademark of and (c) Best Brains, Inc. All rights reserved. Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for non- commercial parody, review, and commentary purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks held by others is intended or should be inferred. No personal insults to author(s), character(s), or situation(s) are or should be implied. All characters in this work are fictional, and any resemblance to actual people, living or dead, is purely coincidental. Incidental mentions of various situations, song lyrics and/or political parties should not be taken as challenges to any legal copyrights and trademarks. Fun political fact for the day: The current Lt. Governor of Texas is Mr. Bill Ratliff. This probably explains why those Texas Rangers doused me with strawberry juice the other day. Keep circulating the posts. Twaaaaang. 2/2/2001 ----------------------------------------------------------- >This has been an extraordinary election. -----------------------------------------------------------