Mystery Usenet Theater 3000 "Enterprise: Broken Bow" Misted by Matt Blackwell, D Gale, Alex Gariepy and Karen Kallstead [This misting presented in Widescreen.] [Season 10 Opening] [The Bridge of the Satellite of Love] [The gang's all here- our trapped human hero, Mike Nelson, fireplug-esque robot Tom Servo, golden robot Crow T. Robot and good old purple Gypsy.] Mike: Hi everyone, and welcome back to the Satellite of Love! I'm Mike Nelson, and these are my robot posse. Gypsy: Word. Mike: Well, it's summertime again, and that means it's sequel time again, and my robot friends have volunteered... Crow: We were forced. Mike: ...to review this latest crop of sequels. So, let's begin. Tom? I believe that you were going to begin with a sequel from earlier this year, Blade II. Tom: Sucked. Mike: Oh. Um, would you care to elaborate? Tom: Really sucked? Mike: Great. Crow, I believe that you saw Austin Powers in Goldmember. What did ya think? Crow: It was almost as good as "The Spy Who Shagged Me." Mike: Ah! A thumbs up then! Crow: Mike, that wasn't a compliment. Mike: Never mind. Up next with Men In Black II is Gypsy. Gypsy: The writing on this latest excursion was luminescant. I greatly enjoyed the interplay between Michael J. Fox and Melanie Griffith. And Hugh Laurie and Gena Davis were splendid in their reprisal of their role as Stuart's parents. Mike: Gypsy? That's Stuart Little 2, not Men in Black II. Gypsy: Oh. Well that one sucked. Mike: Tom, what about Halloween Resurrection? Tom: Mike, I sort of enjoyed Halloween Water, but this one, well, it sucked. Mike: How about Jason X? Crow: The film broke. That two minutes of dead air was the highlight of the film. Mike: [Sighing] What about Attack of the Clones? [All three bots turn and stare at Mike.] Mike: Oh. Yeah. Well, were there any sequels that you did like? Crow: No. Not really. "The Sum of All Fears" was disappointing, especially compared to the earlier films. Plus, that insurance duck was in it. Tom: "Scorpion King"? Goofy. Big time goofy. Crow: "40 Days and 40 Nights"? I didn't like "39 Days and 39 Nights." Tom: "The Bourne Identity"? I don't know how they got from a disabled Vietnam vet to an amnesiac super spy. Big disappointment. Crow: "The Road to Perdition"? Not even *one* musical number! And where was Dorothy Lamour? Mike: Folks, let me sort this out during the commercial. [The planet bumper appears and we head to commercials.] [The Bridge.] [Mike is still explaining things.] Tom: So, "The Rookie" wasn't the prequel to "The Player"? Mike: No. Crow: And "Panic Room" has no connection to "A Room with a View"? Mike: No. Crow: But you're sure that "John Q." wasn't the sequel to "Moulin Rouge"? Mike: Crow, I'm not even sure how you could possibly draw a connection between the two films... [The lights signaling a call from Castle Forrester begin to flash.] Mike: Never mind. Let's see what Corman, Goldsmith and Emmerich want. [Mike taps the lights and the scene shifts to...] [Castle Forrester] [Pearl Forrester, evil scientist, stands in the foreground, looking quite peeved. From behind her comes an inhuman wailing.] Pearl: Mike. Bots. [SoL] Mike: Ye gods, Pearl. What the heck is going on down there? Crow: You're not torturing the FedEx guy again, are you? [Pearl] Pearl: Hrmph. I wish. I've got to pick up all of my packages down at the collection center these days. [SoL] Tom: You haven't been broadcasting those "Pink Lady and Jeff" episodes over TRL's signal feed again, have you? [Castle Forrester] Pearl: No, it's not that either. [The wails continue.] It's Bobo. He's just found out that one of his ex- girlfriends has just moved in with someone, and he's taking it badly. [We pan back to a seated Bobo, who is crying uncontrollably. Observer is halfheartedly trying to cheer him up.] Bobo: [wailing] I can't believe she left me! Observer: There, there. I'm sure that you'll find someone else. [mumbled] And after that, maybe the horse will start singing. Bobo: [sobbing] No! I'll never find anyone like her again! She was the light of my life! She gave me hope to carr-- Pearl: Bobo! I told you, No Debbie Boone! Bobo: [sobbing] Sorry. But I loved her so! Observer: You loved Debbie Boone? Bobo: [sobbing] No, the other one. Observer: Bobo, you two drifted apart years ago. Bobo: [sobbing] We could've gotten back together! I know that it wouldda worked! I swear! I just needed another chance! Pearl: [sighing] He's been like that for the last six hours. [SoL] [Cambot has focused in on Tom and Mike.] Tom: Poor guy. Mike: How long had they been dating? [Castle Forrester] Pearl: I really tried to learn as little as possible about their relationship, Mike. Bobo: I loved her, man! Observer: [emotionlessly] There, there. [SoL] Mike: Well, were they, you know, intimate? [Castle Forrester] Pearl: [very coldly] Mike, I'm certain that you didn't just ask me to contemplate the details of a mountain gorilla's love life, did you? [SoL] Tom: Ew. Mike: Sorry. [Castle Forrester] Pearl: Anyway, your experiment for today is Paramount's latest attempt to milk one more series out of the Star Trek franchise. I was planning on sending you the pilot, but tell you what, if you can stop Bobo's blubbering, I'll call off the experiment and let you watch Sportscenter for a few hours. [SoL] Tom: Sportscenter? Sweet! Mike: We're in. [Castle Forrester] Pearl: Great! Let me drag monkey boy over here. [Pan over to Observer and the still-crying Bobo.] Bobo: We were going to have a life together! We were going to have raise a family with kids and a cat and a grill! We were going to call them Kennedy and Tigger. Or Tigger and Kennedy. I'm still not sure what we were going to call the grill... Observer: Bobo? can we skip ahead to the "drowning your sorrows in booze" stage in the grieving process? It's NTN night at Pitchers and I'd like to get there before it gets too crowded. Pearl: Bobo? Can you come here for a sec? [Bobo sniffs and shambles over to Pearl.] Pearl: The guys have something they'd like to say to you. [SoL] Mike: Hey buddy. We heard you were having some problems with your love life. Tom: Yeah, and if there's one person who knows about getting dumped, it's Mike. Mike: [dryly] Thanks, Tom. [normal] Anyway, it's not the end of the world. Heck, practically everyone's been dumped. [Castle Forrester] Bobo: Not me! I'm a fabulously attractive gorilla! [SoL] Mike: Er. Well, yeah. Tom: And that's the point! Even attractive guys get dumped! Mike: Yeah! Um, like Billy Joel! Christie Brinkley dumped him! Tom: And Lyle Lovett! Julia Roberts dumped him. Oh, and she dumped Benjamin Bratt too! Mike: And Dudley Moore! He was dumped constantly! Tom: And don't forget Mike! Mike: [coldly] Yes. By all means don't forget me. [Castle Forrester] Bobo: So, all of us super studs have been dumped? [SoL] Mike: Yep. Besides, I bet she's just sowing her wild oats. You know, dating someone flashy for a while before coming back to the one who really loves her. Tom: Really? I never heard... Mike: [whisper] Play along. [normal] Yeah, she'll be hanging with the flashy guys for a while. Like astronauts. Or racecar drivers. Or spies... Tom: Or the Pope! Mike: Tom, I don't think he dates much. Tom: Come on, chicks must dig the hat! Mike: So, see? So, who she'd leave you for, buddy? [Castle Forrester] Bobo: [sniffing] A ... a cartoonist. [SoL] Mike: Oh. Tom: A cartoonist? Dear lord, man! You could have at least lied and saved yourself some dignity! Said she'd run off with a crack dealer or a professional lab rat or a bug wrangler or something! But a cartoonist?!? [Castle Forrester] [Bobo is once again sobbing uncontrollably.] Observer: There there, Bobo. [mumbling] Well, it looks like I won't be getting any hot wings tonight... Pearl: Thanks, Mike. Thanks a bunch. Enjoy your *movie*. Maybe afterwards I'll force you to watch a few hours of "Supertrain". Brain Guy, send it to them. [SoL] [Cambot has panned back to show all three crew members. The lights flash in the background. Crow's jaw is agape.] Mike: Nice work Tom. Tom: Come on. You were thinking it, too. Mike: There's nothing wrong with... Crow: She shacked up? With a cartoonist?!? Mike: Oh no... Crow: DEBBIE!!!! HOW COULD YOU?!?! Mike: Let's take care of this in the theater. [Mike hits the movie sign and the door sequence begins.] [6 . . . 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . .] [The crew enters and sit.] Crow: So, we're beset with another sequel? Mike: This one's a prequel, Crow. Completely different animal. Tom: How so? Mike: Well, one's pre- and one's se-. >ENTERPRISE: "Broken Bow" > Tom: If it's still broke, you STILL don't fix it? Crow: Nice to see Berman stick to the Voyager formula. >5/1/01 > Mike: Wasn't it released in September? >ENTERPRISE > >"Broken Bow" > Crow: Thanks for reminding us. We might have forgotten the title in those 7 lines. >FADE IN: > Tom: Fade in provided by Mode 7 technology. >FLASHBACK: CLOSE ON A STARSHIP HULL (OPTICAL) > >White, featureless. Mike: Hey, it's Fargo! Crow: Great, I love that movie! Mike: There was a movie? > We hear the sound of a TICKING CLOCK. Tom: A *ticking* clock? Wow, advanced 22nd century technology. Mike: Yeah, can't wait to see their coal-fired rocket ships. Crow: Kerosene-powered transporters... > A PAINTBRUSH >held in a BOY'S HAND enters frame and begins to apply gun metal gray >paint to the hull. All: DAH!!! Tom: The Son of God paints starships? > We realize that the ship is actually a scale MODEL >of an early 22nd century Starfleet transport. Mike: And we realize that, in spite of all our progress, the future still contains model-building Star Trek geeks. Tom: That reminds me, Mike. I had to borrow some of your rubber cement the other day to fix Crow's beak. You should have enough to finish the Millennium Falcon and the pod race diorama, but you might run out if you need a lot for the Mos Eisley cantina set. > Its name and number are >painted on the hull. Tom: The S.S. Minnow? Mike: Followed by the quote: "I was painted by a bunch of kids." Crow: Mike, don't bring THAT into this, please? > The boy makes some rocket-like whooshing noises, Crow: Just like Mike does when he's flying! >then: > Tom: Realizes that the noises won't work unless he has a MOVING ship. >YOUNG ARCHER >"Where no man has gone before. " > Mike: Well, except for Voyager, Space Rangers, Lost In Space, Space Cases, Power Rangers in Space.... >FATHER >Doctor Cochrane would be proud of you. > Tom: He likes it when people paint little hearts on starships. >YOUNG ARCHER >I know the whole speech by heart > Mike: Ladies and Gentlemen of the 22nd century- wear sunscreen. >FATHER >(re: model) Crow: I see people still respond to their e-mails in the future. >Watch out... you're painting over the Captain's windows. > Crow: Good. Now the SFX department won't have to do those background stars. Mike: And if Shatner's in there changing, we're profoundly grateful. >YOUNG ARCHER >Sorry > Tom: Wow, that was a tough line. >FLASHBACK: WIDER ANGLE -YOUNG ARCHER AND FATHER (OPTICAL) > >are working on the starship model at a table in the SUN PORCH of an >APARTMENT in SAN FRANCISCO. Mike: Affordably priced at only $20,000 a month. Crow: Again with San Francisco... does everyone in the Trek-Land think it's the center of the universe? > Sunlight is pouring through the windows, >which overlook the CITY. Tom: They've got a view of New York City? > An old pendulum CLOCK ticks on the wall. Mike: Yes, nothing captivates an audience like a prop clock. >YOUNG ARCHER is age nine; Mike: EVEN YOUNGER ARCHER is five, and EMBRYO ARCHER... > his FATHER is in his 40's; both are wearing >22nd century civilian clothing. > Crow: Which means what? Are they dressed like the Jetsons or something? >YOUNG ARCHER >When's it gonna be ready to fly? > >FATHER (smiles) >Let the paint dry first. > Tom: Then we have to install the warp core. >YOUNG ARCHER >No. I mean the ship. > Crow: [Father] And *I* said, "Let the paint dry first." > > > > > Tom: [Archer] Hello? Script? I want my answer! >FATHER >Not for a while. > It hasn't even been built yet. > Mike: A few days, then? > > >YOUNG ARCHER >How big will it be? > Crow: This is starting to sound like a fish story. Mike: [Father] I once built a ship THIS big! >FATHER > >Pretty big > Crow: Details, father. I need details. Tom: Dialog by Douglas Coupland. Mike: Enterprise X? >FLASHBACK: CLOSE ON A JAR OF BLUE PAINT (OPTICAL) > Mike: The story of Archer and his paint jar. Tonight on UPN. >as the father opens it, and Young Archer dips his brush inside. > >YOUNG ARCHER >Bigger than Ambassador Pointy's ship? > Tom: Hey, I told your mother never to talk about our "Ambassador Pointy and the naughty emissary from Rigel 6" game. >FATHER >His name is Soval... and he's been very helpful... Crow: He taught me the wonders of ape movies. > and I've told you >not to call him that. > Mike: Call him Mindy. He seems to like that. >As they talk,Young Archer paints the leading edge of a nacelle. > > Mike: When I grow up, I'm going to paint the Enterprise in whatever color I choose! >YOUNG ARCHER >Billy Cook said we'd be flying at warp five by now if the Vulcans >hadn't kept things from us. > Crow: The Vulcans must control the LSD supply. Tom: Billy also says that elves sneak in and wet his bed every night. >FATHER >They have their reasons. >(wry) >God knows what they are. > Mike: Well, I would have hoped that at least the writers knew... >As they work on the starship... > Crow: A gang of time-traveling Borgs appear, and quickly assimilate them. Cue Voyager opening sequence! >DISSOLVE TO > >CRANE SHOT -MOVING ACROSS CORN FIELDS - DAY (OPTICAL) Mike: Alright, who sent this episode to the cornfield? > >SUPER: Broken Bow, Oklahoma -30 Years Later > Crow: Archer's probably still painting that blasted model, trying to get the nacelles "just right". Tom: Division 1-AA Broken Bow U is about to play 2nd ranked OU... >CAMERA stops on the jarring sight of a smoking CRASHED KLINGON >SHUTTLECRAFT. > Mike: Mmmm, reminds me of my neighbor's BBQ. >CUT TO: > >EXT. CORN FIELD -GROUND LEVEL -DAY (OPTICAL) > Tom: Meanwhile, at Uncle Jim's dairy farm... > >KLAANG, a seven foot tall Klingon Warrior, Mike: And not a sound effect, even though it seems like it would be. > is running desperately >through the rows of corn. Tom: Must discover the secret of "cream-style"! Niblets are without honor! > We only catch glimpses of him, but we can >tell from his breathing that he's running for his life. Crow: Hey! Klingons don't retreat! Mike: No one ever said he was a good Klingon. > The BLAST from >an alien weapon flashes past him, searing the stalks. > Crow: And producing a pound and a half of popcorn. >NEW ANGLE (OPTICAL) > >Two humanoid FIGURES are chasing Klaang, weapons drawn. Mike: J & K are hot in pursuit! > We'll come to >know that these are SULIBAN --a genetically engineered species with an >unusual dappled texture to their skin. Tom: This year's stylish genie comes in a lovely tweed pattern, replacing last year's outdated lycra models. > They continue to FIRE. Mike: Then they use BOLT-3 to pick off any survivors. > >CUT TO: > >EXT. FARMHOUSE -DAY > Tom: Mr. Douglas steps out to chat with Mr. Haney. >A middle-aged FARMER steps out the front door, looking in the >direction of the weapons fire. > Mike: Dagnab it, get off my property, ya dang Klingon smoochers! >HIS POV (OPTICAL) > >We see flashes of LIGHT and MOVEMENT in the cornfield, as well as a >plume of SMOKE from the crashed shuttle. > Crow: Martha? I think another baby just crashed in our cornfield. >THE FARMER > >urgently heads back into the house. > Tom: [southern accent] I'm getting me a photo of this! >KLAANG > >breaks into the clear, quickly surveys the scene. He spots a nearby >SILO and runs toward it with intent. > Crow: Klingons come a runnin' for the great taste of alfalfa! >THE TWO SULIBAN > >emerge from the field and see Klaang. > Tom: And Biff. And Pow too. >AT THE SILO > >Klaang quickly opens a large DOOR and steps inside. We hear the door >LOCK. > Crow: That should help deflect those pesky ray guns. >THE FARMER > >steps out of his house, armed with a 22nd century PLASMA SHOTGUN. Mike: I saw them once. They opened for Megadeath in '93. > He >runs down the porch steps and heads toward the cornfield... > Crow: They better not be building a ball park in there again! >THE- SULIBAN (OPTICAL) > >have reached the locked silo door. One of them lowers himself to the >ground and proceeds to DISLOCATE his SKELETAL STRUCTURE. Crow: Er, Mike? Can you do that? Mike: I don't think so. It'd be a nice trick for parties though. > His SKULL >flattens as his BODY slithers beneath the six inch opening at the >bottom of the door. > Tom: Wow, the aliens can change themselves into Calista Flockhart! Crow: Remind me to call these guys next time I lock my keys in my car. >THE SILO DOOR > >unlocks from within. The Suliban who crawled inside opens the door and >his partner enters. > Tom: Oh, that was much easier than shooting the door. Yep. >WIDE SHOT -THE SILO (OPTICAL) > >Klaang breaks out another DOOR fifteen feet above ground. Mike: And of course Klaang knows what a silo is. Tom: He must have watched "Uncle Kla'po's Dairy Farm". > He LANDS on >a nearby SHED, LEAPS to the dirt and draws his DISRUPTOR. He runs >twenty feet, spins, and FIRES a single SHOT at the broken door he just >came out of. > >BOOOM! (OPTICAL) > Mike: Booom? What kind of camera angle is that? Tom: The script comes with its own sound effects. >The SILO EXPLODES in a FIERY EXPLOSION! > Crow: Ah. Michael Bay must be nearby. Tom: Or they were storing that new nitroglycerin flavored corn. >KLAANG (OPTICAL) > Tom: Klaang is more Audible than Optical, don't you think? >who has been blown to the ground, stands and staggers away from the >BURNING silo. > Mike: It is a good day to blow up a silo! Crow: Now it is a good day to have some corn! Nummy! >FARMER (O.C.) >Stop right there! > Tom: o/~ I gotta know right now! Before we go any further... o/~ Mike: Tom? Jim's asked you to stop referring to that song. Tom: Fine. Hrmuph. >Klaang looks up to see the farmer, who is approaching him, shotgun >raised. > Crow: Elmer Fudd- The Next Generation! >FARMER >(very nervous) >I mean it! > Tom: [farmer] I'm just concerned about my daughter's upcoming wedding! >Klaang, who doesn't understand the farmer, responds in Klingon: > >KLAANG >Ro~nuh, t2ag:h ~oH! Mang: juH! > Crow: Er, translation? Tom: Well, my Klingon's a bit rusty, but I think he said that "I am abundant with grapes and scooners." > >The farmer is terrified --he's never seen an alien before, not to >mention a Klingon Warrior with a disruptor in his hand. > Mike: So, he never went to a Trek convention? >FARMER >I have no idea what you're saying... Crow: Since he went to public school. > but I guarantee you, I know >how to use this. > Mike: Thanks to Eddie the Eagle's plasma shotgun safety course! >Klaang continues to rant as he steps closer. > Crow: He's a Klingon Andy Rooney! Tom: Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but Gowron's ascension makes about as much sense as taking a cloaked vessel into an ionized nebula, reversing the field polarity of the main power grid, and emitting a focused tachyon beam through the deflector array. >KLAANG >Qag:h DoQ! RIch ghaH! > Tom: "Can you direct me to Lord Watterby's balloon?" >The farmer tenses, then FIRES an elongated FLASH of ENERGY which HITS >Klaang square in the chest, BLASTING him backward into the corn! Crow: So this is what Picard meant by "disaster" when first contact was made. Mike: No wonder they relied on replicators in the future. Farmers got a bad rep. > OFF >the farmer's shaky reaction... > Crow: Dear lord! He's right! Gowron really shouldn't have been chancellor! >CUT TO: > >CLOSE ON A STARSHIP HULL (OPTICAL) > Tom: Captain's Log: Stardate something or other: We are now in the show. I am currently afraid of the critics and have locked myself in my quarters hoping they will go away. >CAMERA PULLS BACK slightly to reveal we're in SPACEDOCK in orbit of >EARTH. Tom: The cameramen have been taken in for their 100,000 scene tune-up. > We only see a small section of what we'll learn is the STARSHIP >ENTERPRISE. Mike: And we have ship, ladies and gentlemen! > A tiny ORBITAL INSPECTION POD enters frame and flies along >the underside of the hull. > Tom: Artoo and Threepio are trying to escape again. >INT. ORBITAL INSPECTION POD (OPTICAL) > >CAPTAIN JONATHAN ARCHER and CHIEF ENGINEER, COMMANDER CHARLIE >(CHARLIE) TUCKER sit side by side in the cramped cockpit. Crow: Warning! This show contains cramped spaces, letterboxing and other scenes that may be unsuitable for people with claustrophobia. > Archer, early 40's, is >in civilian clothing. Mike: I'm picturing him dressed like Syndey Bristow. [shudders] Okay, now I'm stopping. Ew. > Unlike the Starfleet Captains in centuries to >come, he exhibits a sense of wonder and excitement. Tom: This is unlike the other Captains HOW? > Charlie, early >30's, is a Southerner who enjoys using his offbeat, often sarcastic >sense of humor to disarm people. > Tom: [southern accent] Ya'll might be a redneck if you'd drop that phaser and keep your tentacles over your exoskeleton's antennae where I can see them. >They're both looking straight up through a ceiling PORTAL at a section >of the HULL. > Crow: [Charlie] So you painted this one, too? >CHARLIE >The Ventral Plating Team says they'll be done in about three days. > >ARCHER >Be sure they match the color to the nacelle housings. > Crow: [Archer] Make sure it brings out my eyes. >CHARLIE >You aiming to sit on the hull and pose for some postcards? > Tom: Thanks for making us queasy already, "Trip". >ARCHER >Maybe... Crow: [Archer] I might even wear a bikini while I'm at it. > >He continues to look upward and inspect the hull. > >ARCHER >God, she's beautiful > >CHARLIE >And fast. Tom: Catherine Zeta Jones? >(beat) >Warp four point five next Thursday. > Mike: Yep, and she made the Kessel Run in less than twelve parsecs. >ARCHER >(awed) >Neptune and back in six minutes. Tom: [Archer] With plasma coils, warp nacelles and a lot of horsepower! [does a Tim Allen grunt] >(beat) >Let's take a look at the lateral sensor array. > Crow: Maybe we can figure out what color to paint that too. >CHARLIE >Give me a sec. > >Charlie whips the control throttle to his left (intentionally harder >than he needs to). > Mike: MAVERICK! >EXT. SPACEDOCK (OPTICAL) > >The orbital pod ROLLS steeply to a 90 degree angle as it continues >along the side of the hull. > Mike: Spine-tingling space action! Crow: I paid five bucks to see the Space Show, and all I get is the flippin' POD? >INT. ORBITAL INSPECTION POD (OPTICAL) > >Archer looks a little queasy --he's obviously not comfortable in >such a tiny vessel. Tom: Odd for a guy who's supposed to be a "fly boy". > Charlie is enjoying this --he likes to get >a rise out of people. > Crow: He's also a frequent caller to the Howard Stern show. >CHARLIE >If I didn't know better, I'd think you were afraid of flying. > >ARCHER >If I'm afraid of anything, it's the scrambled eggs I had for >breakfast. > Crow: [Archer] I just hope that white powder really was salt. Tom: Interstellar travel, contact with unknown aliens, combat against unimaginable weapons -- bring it on! Just keep the Denny's skillet scramble far, far away! Mike: Not a bad policy, in my experience. >CHARLIE >Pretty soon you'll be dreaming about scrambled eggs. I hear the new >resequenced protein isn't much of an improvement. > Crow: It's still better than the "Moon over My Hammy". >ARCHER >My number one staffing priority was finding the right chef. Tom: Captain, the weapons are offline, structural integrity field's down to 18%, we're venting plasma, the warp core's losing confinement and the chief engineer's clueless. But just *taste* this pan-seared yellow-fin tuna with chipolte-mango chutney. Appropriately, it's to die for! > I think >you'll be impressed. > Crow: He does tend to shout "BAM" at random times though. >CHARLIE >Your galley's more important to >you than your warp core. That's a confidence-builder. > Tom: [Archer] What's more important? Not starving or losing warp? Crow: [Charlie] It depends. Are we in the middle of a battle? Tom: [Archer] ...Shut up. >ARCHER >A starship runs on its stomach, Charlie. Mike: Assuming it's a dilithium stomach, right? Tom: Which explains all the giant Tums in the Cargo bay. >(sees something) Tom: [Archer] Hey, a plot! Neat! >Slow down. There. Those are the ports that buckled during the last >test. They need to be reinforced. > Crow: [Charlie] *sigh* I'll get the duct tape. >Charlie grabs a high-tech stylus and pad, makes a note. Mike: [Charlie] Does this work? Egg freckles? What the...? > With his hands >off the controls, the pod drifts slightly toward Enterprise. > >EXT. SPACEDOCK (OPTICAL) > >The pod gently BUMPS into the hull. > Crow: Since it was a Pinto, it exploded, killing the two. The end. >INT. ORBITAL INSPECTION POD (OPTICAL) > >CHARLIE >Sorry. > Mike: [Archer] Hey, we're still in the pilot here. You're not a reoccurring character yet. >Archer cranes his neck to inspect the point of impact > Tom: [Archer] Oh, it's just a hull breach. Nothing to worry about. >ARCHER >Great. You scratched the paint. > Crow: [Archer] I took 30 years to paint that! >A COM CHIRP goes off. Charlie taps a control. > Tom: [Charlie] This oughta shut it off. >CHARLIE >(to com) >Orbital Six. > >COM VOICE >Captain Archer, sir? > Mike: [Charlie] No, this is Charlie. Who's calling? >ARCHER >Go ahead. > Mike: [Charlie] I'm afraid I don't know a "Go Ahead". >COM VOICE >Admiral Forrest needs you at Starfleet Medical right away. > Tom: Then Admiral Nichols needs you in the Communication Center. Crow: And then President Doohan needs you - Mike: That's enough of that. >OFF Archer. > >CUT TO: > >EXT. SAN FRANCISCO -NIGHT (OPTICAL) > >The 22nd century skyline. > Mike: The Tick is leaping from building to building... >INT. STARFLEET MEDICAL -ICU ANTEROOM -NIGHT > >A dimly-lit chamber with a large window looking into a 22nd century >intensive care unit. Crow: Which looks suspiciously like a cast-off "ER" set, with extra chrome and neon. > Klaang is lying on a bed, unconscious, with >myriad tubes and monitoring devices attached to his gigantic body. Tom: Marlon Brando *is* Klaang! >A small team of doctors and nurses are busily tending to him. Two >armed Security Guards stand watch. > Tom: [Guard #1] So, are you dead yet? Crow: [Guard #2] Nope. You? Tom: [Guard #1] Next episode. Crow: [Guard #2] What a real shame... >In the anteroom, a heated discussion is taking place between three >Starfleet Officers (ADMIRALS MAXWELL FORREST and DANIEL LEONARD, Mike: Heh. Nice touch, guys. Crow: What? Mike: Nothing. Just a tribute to fallen friends. > and >COMMANDER WILLIAMS) and three Vulcan dignitaries (AMBASSADOR SOVAL, >TOS and a striking young female named T'POL). > Tom: T'Pol. Vulcan for "busty, pouty babe in a skin-tight catsuit." Crow: Wow. I didn't know the Vulcans even *had* a word for Jeri Ryan. Mike: Or Terry Farrell. Crow: Or Marina Sirtis. Mike: Or ... just about every woman on the original show, including the green-skinned ones. Make that *especially* the green-skinned ones. >CMDR. WILLIAMS >Who was chasing him? > >SOVAL >We don't know. They were incinerated in the methane explosion, and the >farmer's description was vague at best. > Mike: [farmer] They appeared to be shape-shifting life forms from another solar system who could phase in and out of our temporal plane. But I'm just guessin' here. >ADMIRAL LEONARD >How did they get here? What kind of ship? > Crow: [Leonard] Why did they bother being here in the middle of nowhere? >TOS >They were using some kind of stealth technology. We're still analyzing >our sensor logs. > Tom: [Tos] It keeps on getting signals from hummingbirds, though. >CMDR. WILLIAMS >I'd like to see those logs. > Mike: [Williams] And maybe analyze 'em too. >SOVAL >(patronizingly calm) Crow: Hey, just like you, Servo! Tom: Please. I am NEVER calm! >The Klingons made it very clear... they want to expedite this. > Mike: Yeah, we don't want to make a whole series based on this... oops! >ADMIRAL LEONARD >It happened on our soil. > Mike: It was our hayseed farmer who shot him. >TOS >That's irrelevant > Crow: [Tos] Sovereignty is irrelevant. Investigation is futile. >ADMIRAL FORREST >(interrupting, to Soval) >Ambassador... with all due respect, we have a right to know what's >going on here. > Mike: Apparently, Vulcan logic dictates holding back information won't piss off the humans. >SOVAL >You'll be apprised of all pertinent information. > >CMDR. WILLIAMS >And just who gets to decide what's pertinent? > Crow: The Pertinence Committee. They meet twice a month on Vulcan. >At this point, the door opens and Archer ENTERS, still in civilian >clothes. Crow: [Archer] Hey guys, there's a neat wreckage on the farm just off here and... hey, who's the bumpy-forehead guy on the bed? > The conversation stops as everyone turns to him. > Mike: That's Scott Bakula, alright. Stopping the entire show so we can see more of his mug. >ARCHER >(to Forrest) >Admiral. > >ADMIRAL FORREST >Jack... I think you know everyone. > >Archer sees the unconscious Klaang through the window. Crow: o/~ How much is that Klingon in the window? o/~ > >ARCHER >(walking to the window) >Not everyone. > Mike: [Archer] Who's the new guy? Can I say hi? >ADMIRAL LEONARD >He's a Klingot. > Tom: They fled the Netherlands due to religious persecution, right? >TOS >A Kling-Qn. > Crow: No, a Klingon. >ARCHER >Where'd he come from? > >CMDR. WILLIAMS >Oklahoma. > Tom: Where the wind rolls softly through the plains? >Archer reacts. > Mike: [Archer] Oh boy. >ADMIRAL FORREST >A corn farmer named Moore shot him with a plasma rifle... says it was >self-defense. > Mike: He says the Klingon came at him with a screwdriver. >TOS >Fortunately, Soval and I have maintained close contact with Kronos >since the incident occurred. > Tom: At least until Zeus appeared and threw them into Tartarus. >ARCHER >Kronos? > Tom: [Tos] He's the god of plot contrivances. >ADMIRAL LEONARD >It's the Klingon's homeworld. > >ADMIRAL FORREST >(re: Klaang) Crow: [Forrest] Hmm. Do they all have bumps on their foreheads? >This gentleman is some sort of courier. Evidently, he was carrying >crucial information back to his people. Mike: Klingon Express. When it absolutely, positively has to be there within 24 of your earth hours, or our courier will ritually disembowel himself with a bat'leth for having brought dishonor upon his house. > >SOVAL >(pointed) Tom: That shouldn't be hard for a Vulcan, right? >When he was nearly killed by your "farmer." > Crow: A game of tractor chicken turns tragic! >ADMIRAL FORREST >(carefully) >Ambassador Soval thinks it would >be best if we push off your launch until we've cleared this up. > Mike: [Forrest] He also thinks it would be best if you'd stop wearing a bra. >ARCHER >(dry) >Well, isn't that a surprise? >You'd think they'd've come up with something a little more imaginative >this time. > Tom: [Archer] Like pink elephants or little green men from Orion! >SOVAL >Sarcasm aside, Captain, the last thing your people need is to make an >enemy of the Klingon Empire. > Mike: Yeah, and a completely unrelated launch is usually interpreted as an act of war. >TOS >If we hadn't convinced them to let us take Klaang's corpse back to >Kronos, Earth would most likely be facing a squadron of Warbirds by >the end of the week. > Tom: Just a squadron? Wow, the Klingons aren't very aggressive, are they? >ARCHER >Corpse? Is he dead? > >Archer walks to the door leading to the ICU, opens it and signals to >one of the doctors, who approaches. > Mike: [Archer] Nuts to you, I'm asking the doctor for this! >ARCHER >Excuse me... is that man dead? > Crow: If so, can I touch him? >PHLOX, an exotic-looking alien physician Tom: By exotic they mean humanoid with rope-like veins in his head. > wearing hospital garb, >responds in a hurried voice and slight, distinctive accent: > Tom: By accent they mean-- Mike: OK. >PHLOX >(quickly) >His autonomic system was disrupted by the blast but his redundant >neural functions are still intact which -- > Crow: [Phlox] Means absolutely nothing, but if you permit me to rant some more... >ARCHER >Is he going to die? > Tom: Well, sure! Everyone does at some time or another! >PHLOX >Not necessarily. > Mike: You see, we're going to put him in a box with some plutonium and then close the lid... >Archer turns back to the room. > Tom: [Archer] Am I annoying you guys yet? > >ARCHER >(to Vulcans) >Let me get this straight... you're going to disconnect this man from >life support... even though he could recover. Where's the logic in >that? > Crow: The logic is in the savings! Think of the cheaper electric bill, for example. >SOVAL >Klaang's culture finds honor in death. If they saw him like this he'd >be disgraced. > Mike: [Soval] Logic suggests we kill him now instead of allowing him to recover BEFORE releasing him to the Klingons! Tom: Apparently, euthanasia is quite logical in this case. >Archer remains puzzled. > Crow: [Archer] What kind of backward society doesn't find honor in living as a vegetable on life support? >TOS >They're a warrior race... they dream of dying in battle. Tom: [Tos] And "A Perfect Whirled" as well. > If you >understood the complexities of interstellar diplomacy you would -- > >ARCHER >(interrupting, temper rising) Mike: [Archer] Urge to rant RISING! >So your "diplomatic" solution is to do what they tell you... pull the >plug? > Tom: [Tos] Logic dictates that we don't insult the Klingons and risk getting the snot kicked out of us. >TOS >Your metaphor is crude, but accurate. > >ARCHER >{back at him) >We may be crude, but we're not murderers. Crow: Well, except for killing Klaang, of course. >{then to Forrest) >You're not going to let them do this, are you'? > >SOVAL >(to Forrest) >The Klingons have demanded that we return Klaang immediately. > Tom: Very well. Anyone got an Earth/Kronos site-to-site transporter? >ARCHER >(ignoring him, to Forrest) >Admiral? > >ADMIRAL FORREST >We may need to defer to their judgement. > >ARCHER >We've been deferring to their judgement for a hundred years! > Mike: I mean, we even let them instruct the Supreme Court on how to deal with that election fiasco! >ADMIRAL FORREST >(a warning} >Jack... Crow: [Archer] It's SAM! Er, SCOTT! Er, Jonathan... > >Archer knows he's crossing the line, but he can't help himself. > Tom: He's a line crosser, jus' like his daddy before him. >ARCHER >How much longer? > Tom: [Forrest] Until Strom Thurmond passes on. Crow: [Archer] I can't wait that long! >T'Pol steps toward Archer. She's a science attache with the Vulcan >contingent headquartered in San Francisco. Her look is severe yet >sensual. Crow: Translation: wooden acting, gigantic breasts. Tom: Sort of a "Pamela Anderson meets Nancy Kulp" look. > Although she's been living amongst humans for several months, >she is cautious and guarded around them. > Mike: All this from her stepping forward? Wow! >T'POL >Until you've proven you're ready, > Mike: Whoa, I'm getting a Kosh moment, aren't you? Tom: [Kosh] If you go to Kronos, you will die. >ARCHER >Ready to what? All: Ready to rumbbbbbbblllllleeeee! > >T'POL >To look beyond your provincial attitudes and volatile nature. > Crow: Better give it another few hundred years. >ARCHER >Volatile? You have no idea how much I'm restraining myself from >knocking you on your ass. > Tom: Ouch! Point to Archer! Crow: Tee-hee, he said "ass". [The bots giggle.] >T'Pol raises an eyebrow at this. Crow: [T'Pol] Fascinating, this "knocking me on my ass" concept. May I see a demonstration? [Tom snickers.] > Archer turns to Forrest. > >ARCHER >These Klingons are anxious to get their man back? Fine. I can have my >ship ready to go in three days. >(to Vulcans, pointed) >We'll take him home... alive. > Mike: [Archer] Or we'll drop him a FedEx box and let them deliver the corpse. >SOVAL >This is no time to be imposing your ethical beliefs. Tom: Try again tomorrow when Ethical Imposition Week starts. > >Forrest considers, turns to Admiral Leonard. > >ADMIRAL FORREST >Dan? > >ADMIRAL LEONARD >(to Archer) >What about your crew? Your Comm Officer's in Brazil... you haven't >selected a Medical Officer yet... > Crow: And don't get me started on your opening theme music. >ARCHER >Three days, that's all I need. > Tom: Archer Delivery. We deliver your person in three days or it's FREE! >The Vulcans can't believe what they're hearing. Tom: With those ears? I'm surprised. > >SOVAL >(protesting) >Admiral... > Mike: [Soval] This is Scott Bakula! He'll most likely make a wry comment about the Klingons' table manners! >ADMIRAL FORREST >We've been waiting nearly a century, Ambassador... this seems as >good a time as any to get started. > Tom: And so Captain Jonathon Archer started off on his journey to find a new trade route to India. >SOVAL >(agitated, louder) >Listen to me. You're making a mistake! > Mike: (Soval) You're gonna start Star Trek! Have you no conscience? >ARCHER >(calmly, chiding him) >When your logic doesn't work, you raise your voice? You have been on >Earth too long. > >Displeased, Soval realizes the debate is over, Crow: [whining] Wah! He wasn't following Robert's Rules of Order! > EXITS with his >colleagues. Forrest turns to Archer with a slight twinkle in his eye. >We get the sense that he invited Archer knowing that he'd provoke this >very outcome. > Mike: For the audience is all-powerful and wise! Crow: They can read into the characters just by watching them make entrances! >ADMIRAL FORREST >I had a feeling their approach >wouldn't sit too well with you. Mike: [Archer] Logic smoggic, I want my voyage NOW! >(then) >Don't screw this up. > Tom: [Forrest] Cause then we'd need to do a pilot about another ship. >As they EXIT, Archer walks to the large window and raps on the glass. Crow: The window cracks open and they all spew into space! >Phlox and a couple of nurses turn to look. Archer gestures Phlox over. >Phlox looks surprised -- "me?" As he moves to Archer, curious... > Tom: I'm curious to know just when this plot will at least hit impulse speed. Crow: Yeah, by now Kirk would have violated the prime directive, opened fire on the enemy ships *and* hit on an Orion space babe. Tom: Picard would have overcome a holodeck malfunction, encouraged Data to develop human attributes, and tied it all together with a couple of Shakespearean references. Crow: Sisko would have overcome a holodeck malfunction, encouraged Odo to develop human attributes, and tied it all together with a couple of baseball references. Tom: Janeway would have overcome a holodeck malfunction, encouraged the doctor to develop human attributes, and tied it all together by tossing Neelix into the plasma vent, sending him to a smoky, fiery death. Crow: Really? Cool. Mike: That's it. Time out for fanboys. Bots: Awwww! [Mike picks Tom up and the trio exits the theater.] [1 . . . 2 . . . 3 . . . 4 . . . 5 . . . 6 . . . ] [The Bridge] [A computer sits on the counter, off to the left.] Mike: Okay, so they recycled a few plot devices over the years. Tom: Are you kidding? Paramount should be legally required to label each episode with that little triangle-arrow recycling logo. Mike: Give UPN a little credit here, guys. They know you're jaded. They ... [As Mike speaks, the hexfield opens without prompting, and a mysterious blurry humanoid figure appears.] Mike: Hi. Can we help you? Figure: [deeply] I have come to warn you! Warn you about an impending danger! Something that will shock you to your very core and [a buzzing noise can be heard in the background] Wait a sec. That's my laundry. Hang on for a sec! I'll be right back! [The Hexfield closes, leaving the trio to stare quizzically.] Mike: That was odd. [pause] Oh well, where was I? Crow: They know we're jaded. Mike: Ah. Right. They know you're jaded. They know you've seen it all before. That's why they're going back in time, to capture a fresh sense of wonder and excitement. Just imagine, meeting an alien species for the first time. [Crow starts tapping on the computer's keyboard.] Crow: You want excitement? You want wonder? You want aliens? You got 'em. Mike: What are you doing? Crow: [to himself] w-w-w-dot-send-me-an-alien-now-dot-com. Tom: [looking over Crow's shoulder] Wow! Are you sure Mike's ready for an experience *that* alien? Maybe something a little less -- Crow: Too late. Already hit "submit." Paid extra for the express delivery, too. Hey, did you know that Mike still has a credit card that's not maxed out? Mike: Maxed out? What have you guys been . . . then again, what's it worth for a chance to meet an alien? To experience a totally different culture and language. So many questions about social structure, belief systems, customs, art, science, literature ... I won't know where to begin. [There's a *pop* as a woman strongly resembling Bridget Jones (No, not the British one) appears on the SOL. She glances at her surroundings with a look of disdain, runs a finger along the countertop to check for dust, shudders, then crosses her arms and fixes Mike with a "What's the deal?" kind of look.] Mike: Uh, guys, just what did you order? Crow: Something totally alien to your experience. [Crow places himself between Mike & the woman.] Michael Nelson, allow me to present ... a girl! [Crow bows and backs away with a flourish. He and Tom Servo stand off to the side, whispering.] Mike: Well. So... you're a girl, huh? Woman: We prefer to be called "women" these days. Or Linda. Mike: Really? When did that happen? Woman: Linda? When I was born. Mike: No, the other one. Women: Like, ages ago. Where have you been for the last couple of decades, anyway? Mike: Well, recently I've been stuck on this satellite. Before that, Wisconsin. Woman: [Softly, in an "Oh, I'm sorry" voice.] Oh. Mike: Uh, look, I'm sorry about this. The bots wanted me to meet someone who was, well, alien to me. Woman: Well, I *am* from North Dakota. Mike: Oh really? How do you like Fargo? Woman: I love that movie. Mike: So there's really a movie? [The Movie sign starts flashing.] Tom: Mike, time to roll! We've got movie sign! Crow: Not a minute too soon. He was dying out there! Mike: No, darn it, I was just getting somewhere... [The woman disappears with a *pop* as the lights flash and the door sequence begins.] [6 . . . 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . .] [They enter the theater.] Mike: I think that went pretty well. Probably hook up with her again, maybe go out for a beer or something, catch a movie... Tom: Poor deluded sap. >EXT. SPACEDOCK (OPTICAL) > >in orbit of Earth, as before. Mike: Instead of hurtling towards Earth, as next season. > The Starship Enterprise is docked >inside, but just barely visible at this angle. > Tom: [dully] Oh the suspense is killing me. Or at least it would be if they hadn't shown it during the opening credits. >INT. ENTERPRISE -TRANSPORTER ALCOVE (OPTICAL) > >TACTICAL OFFICER, LIEUTENANT MALCOLM REED and the HELMSMAN, LIEUTENANT >TRAVIS MAYWEATHER are standing by the transport platform as a shipment >of CARGO CONTAINERS MATERIALIZE. Mike: Ah, the plot devices have just arrived. >Reed is a buttoned-up Englishman in his 30's; Crow: Obligatory stuffed-shirt twit. > Mayweather is an >African-American in his 20's. Tom: What? No character development in the description? What a disappointment! > As the beam-in ends, they step up >and begin to examine the cargo. Both men are in Starfleet uniform. > Crow: The pastel colored, TMP uniforms. Tom: They look like giant easter candies. >MAYWEATHER >I heard this platform's been approved for bio-transport. > >REED >I presume you mean fruits and vegetables. > Mike: They'll be beaming aboard the Chiquita Banana mascot later on. >MAYWEATHER >I mean Armory Officers and Helmsmen. > Tom: [Mayweather] But not Captains and Engineers. They get their own pods! Crow: [Reed] Lucky bastards! >REED >I don't think I'm quite ready to >have my molecules compressed into a data stream. > Mike: Yeah, it is kinda Captain Power-ish. >MAYWEATHER >They claim it's safe. > Tom: Yes, the transporter meets Ralph Nader's approval. >REED >Do they indeed? Well, I certainly hope the Captain doesn't plan on >making us use it. > Mike: It's nice to see that Starfleet selects only the bravest individuals for a life of dangerous space exploration. >MAYWEATHER >Don't worry, from what I'm told, he wouldn't even put his dog through >this thing. > Crow: His giraffe, sure, but his dog? Never! >Reed has opened a canister and breathes a sigh of frustration. > Mike: Yeah, Dinty Moore causes me to sigh too. >REED >This is ridiculous. I asked for plasma coils and they sent me a >case of valve sealant. Tom: And when I asked for pizza, they gave me broccoli! Those no-good bureaucrats... > There's no chance I can have the weapons >on-line in three days. > Crow: But you could seal the hell out of some valves. >MAYWEATHER >We're just taking a sick man back to his homeworld... why do we need >weapons? > Mike: In case they have to go through Detroit. >REED >Didn't you read the profile report on these Klingons? Apparently, they >sharpen their teeth before they go into battle. > Tom: The Klingon/Cavity Creep conflict has been long and violent. >Mayweather gives him an uneasy half-smile, > >CUT TO: > >INT. ENTERPRISE -CORRIDOR > Tom: This place sure is cramped! Crow: Either the budget went down or they're using Tom Arnold's backyard. >Minutes later. Reed and Mayweather are walking along. Crewmembers are >putting finishing touches on the ship, working at wall panels and >opened deck plating. > Tom: Of course, the contractors said they'd be done last March... >REED >No doubt Mister Tucker will reassure me that my equipment will be here >tomorrow. >(imitating Charlie's Southern accent) >"Keep your shirt on, Lieutenant. " > Crow: And, of course, "Would you like some propane and propane acessories"? Mike: [Charlie] That's another thing. Why does everyone snicker when they look at my red shirt? >MAYWEATHER >Is it me, or does the artificial gravity seem a bit heavy? > Tom: I've always said that about the gravity here. It prevented me from hovering above that grate. I complain and complain and complain, but do they listen? Noooooooo! >Reed takes a few measured steps. > Tom: One liter, two cubits, half a rod, three bushels, a googol of angstroms . . . >REED >Feels all right... Earth sea level. > Crow: [Reed] And the tons of salt water in the corridor help that sensation. >MAYWEATHER >My father always kept it at point eight G. He thought it put a little >spring in his step. > Tom: Sounds like someone's father was a lazy bastard. >REED >After being raised on cargo ships, it must've felt like you had >lead in your boots when you got to Earth. > Mike: I did. They were the style at the time! >MAYWEATHER >It did take some getting used to. > Crow: [Mayweather] Like that frog in my throat or that butterfly in my stomach. >Reed pauses at an opened wall panel, where a young female CREWMAN is >"tuning" a series of power conduits with a small device. > Tom: And the latest incarnation of the Doctor is busily using her sonic screwdriver... >REED >You may find that if you re-balance the polarities, you'll get that >done a bit faster, Crewman. > Crow: IfyaknowwhatImean... >They continue down the corridor > Tom: Oh, fine. Don't even give her a line. >INT. ENTERPRISE -MAIN ENGINEERING > >Unlike the spacious, brightly-lit engine rooms of future starships, >this is more like the cramped, red-lit nerve center of a nuclear >submarine. Mike: Walter Koenig was soon seen sneaking around, mumbling about some whale. > We see crewmembers busily getting the ship ready for >launch. > Tom: I believe they really mean 'lunch'. Crow: Launch, lunch, it'll happen soon. >Charlie is in his element Mike: Charlie! You get out of the Charlieonium this instant! It's unstable and about to decay! > --he's working atop the WARP CORE, which >extends horizontally across the room. > Crow: Whoops! That's the bar, folks. The Engine Room's further down the hall! >CHARLIE >(shouting down) >Okay, Alex, give it some juice! > Mike: [shouting up] Sunny D or Apple? >A crewman below throws a series of levers, and a pulsing pillar of >PLASMA courses through the warp core. > Crow: Killing the crewman who was inside cleaning the windows... >CHARLIE >(shouting down) >Beautiful! Lock it off right there! > >Charlie ducks and weaves through various outcroppings and slides down >an access ladder, dropping to the deck below. Tom: Then he grinds the railing and does a 180-degree jump. > He eyes the warp core, >notices something, reaches in his pocket, pulls out a handkerchief and >polishes off a small smudge on the casing. Mike: Nasty strawberry stains... > As he proudly inspects his >work... > Crow: Time-travelling Cardassians appear and shoot all the crewmembers. Cue Voyager... Mike: You did that already! >REED (O.C.) >I believe you missed a spot. > Tom: [Charlie]Of course I did. I cleaned it! >Charlie turns to see Reed and Mayweather standing at the rail. Crow: [Charlie, angry] Who dares question my cleaning abilities?!? You wanna clean up Engineering?!? > >REED >(making the introductions) >Commander Tucker, Lieutenant Travis Mayweather. He just >arrived. > All: Phew! Mike: Good, no huge introduction scene. >Charlie, ducking under the rail, extends his hand. > >CHARLIE >Our "Space Boomer." > Tom: Hey, cool! A show about a shaggy dog that travels through space, helping people with their personal problems. Mike: No, I think it's a show about a guy traveling through space who's too self-involved to care about anyone else's problems. Crow: Darn. I was hoping it was just things in space going "boom." >Mayweather shakes his hand, but can't keep his eyes off the engine. > Tom: Whaddaya expect? Nice nacelles on 'er. >MAYWEATHER >How fast have you gotten her? > >CHARLIE >Warp four... we'll be going to four-five as soon as we clear Jupiter. Crow: Is there really a difference between warps? Mike: After a certain point, you turn into a lizard. Otherwise, no. >Think you can handle it? > >MAYWEATHER >(in awe) >Four point five... > Tom: [in awe] Almost 63 mph... >REED >(all business) >Pardon me, but if I don't realign the deflector, the first grain of >space-dust we come across will blow a hole through this ship the size >of your fist. > Crow: [Reed] Or was it a hole the size of your ship through your fist? >CHARLIE >Keep your shirt on, Lieutenant. Your equipment'll be here in the >morning. > Mike: [Charlie] By the way, why did you note in your report that it was "absolutely vital" to have a foosball table on board? >Reed gives Mayweather a look. > Tom: Mayweather sees his look, and raises him two sniffs and a listen. >CUT TO: > >EXT. AMAZON UNIVERSITY Mike: Proudly teaching courses on how to lose money on the internet for 300 years. > -DAY (OPTICAL) > >A series of futuristic structures set in the Brazilian jungle. > Mike: The magic of Hollywood has wisked me there! >EXT. CLASSROOM- DAY (OPTICAL) > >Twenty or so human college STUDENTS are sitting in an open-air >classroom, the lush jungle visible beyond. Crow: Definitely not worried about jungle noises breaking their concentration, no siree. > They're speaking in unison. >The refrain they repeat is in a very alien language containing clicks >and bizarre guttural sounds. > Mike: Ooh! They're trying to communicate with Johnathan Livingston Seagull! >STUDENTS >Ghlungit !tak nekl.ee!c. > Tom: WHAT? YOU TAKE THAT BACK! Crow: If the future still has Klingon language camps, I want no part of it. >HOSHI (O.C.) >Very good. Again. > >STUDENTS >Ghlun~it !tak nekleet. Tom: NO ONE TALKS THAT WAY ABOUT MY MOTHER! Mike: You don't have a mother. Tom: Oh. Well, carry on then. > >At this point, we reveal ENSIGN HOSHI SATO, a spirited young woman. Mike: Her turn-ons are freedom, languages, and cheesecake... Crow: Once again, all this from ONE meeting? >Hoshi is an exo-linguist and the Enterprise COM OFFICER. At the >moment, she's teaching alien language. Tom: Which one? Mike: Does it matter? Tom: ...not really. > On a blackboard behind her, >we see alien writing. > Mike: [Reading] When in Rivendell, eat at Elrond's Eats? >HOSHI >(prompting) >Carlos. > >CARLOS recites the next phrase alone. > Tom: What? No foreshadowing into his personality? Mike: Looks like he's just a minor character. >CARLOS >Ltrunghi !krgltt! Mike: Do you get the feeling that they create these alien languages by having one of the writers let their cat walk around on their keyboard? > >Hoshi corrects one specific word. She does so with a sound that seems >almost impossible for a human to make. > Crow: Oh, like Trp]! > >HOSHI >!krgltt! > >Carlos attempts to repeat it, but can't quite get it right. > >CARLOS >!krgltt! > Mike: I don't see the difference. Tom: It doesn't help in a script format. >HOSHI >Tighten the back of your tongue >(demonstrating) Crow: Otherwise it might fall out of your mouth. >!kr~ltt! > Tom: Hey, she changed the word! No fair! >As Carlos futilely attempts to get the word right, Crow: Wuss. > Hoshi notices >Captain Archer standing at the back of the class. He's wearing a muted >Hawaiian shirt, jeans and tennis shoes. > Tom: No, wait. That's Magnum. >HOSHI >Keep trying. You've almost got it. Crow: Like Dan Quayle almost getting a spell checker. >(to all) >I'll be right back. > >As Hoshi heads toward Archer... > Crow: Time-traveling Bajorans... >CUT TO: > >EXT. AMAZON UNIVERSITY -JUNGLE PATH -DAY > >Archer and Hoshi are walking along, mid-conversation Tom: 'Cause it's always a good idea to start a conversation in the middle of it. > >HOSHI >There's two more weeks before exams. It's impossible for me to leave >now. > >ARCHER >You've got to have someone who can cover for you. Mike: [Archer] How about Lenny? Or Carl? > >HOSHI >If there was anyone else who could do what I do, you wouldn't be so >eager to have me on your space ship. > Tom: Well la-de-da-da! >ARCHER >Hoshi... > Crow: [Archer] How about that green dinosaur relative of yours? Tom: [Hoshi] Not all my relatives have names that rhyme... >HOSHI >I'm sorry, Captain. I owe it to > these kids. > Crow: Yeah, I'm sure they'd hate to skip finals. >ARCHER >I could order you. > Tom: [Hoshi] Would you like fries with me? >HOSHI >I'm on leave from Starfleet, remember? You'd have to forcibly recall >me, which would require a reprimand which would disqualify me from >serving on an active vessel. > Crow: Uh, and how would this work for Archer? Tom: It doesn't. Crow: Oh. >ARCHER >I need someone with your ear. > Mike: [Archer] And your ability to make funny clicking sounds! >HOSHI >And you'll have her... in three weeks. > Mike: [Shatner] I can't wait ... three weeks Hoshi. I need full ear in three hours ... or we're all dead! >Archer removes a small DEVICE from his breast pocket, and taps a >button on it. Crow: [Archer] Hmmm, Ziggy says I'll be having a Vulcan on my ship soon. > We HEAR the sound of a voice speaking the Klingon >language. >Hoshi reacts, intrigued. > >HOSHI What's that? > Mike: An audio recorder. See? >ARCHER >Klingon. >(beat) Tom: [Archer] Some bumpy-forehead species. >Ambassador Soval gave us a sampling of their linguistic database. > Crow: Or possibly some new Bantu rap fusion band. We're not really sure. >HOSHI >I thought you said the Vulcans were opposed to this. > Mike: He did? Crow: [Archer] To start off my conversation, I'll just say that those arrogant Vulcans are opposed to anything I do. Oh, and nice to see you again. >ARCHER >They are. But we agreed to make a few... compromises. > Tom: Speaking of which, what size dog collar do you wear? >Hoshi listens to the Klingon voice > Crow: [Hoshi] He sounds cute! >HOSHI >What do you know about these... Klingons? > Mike: [Archer] People dress up like them at sci-fi conventions. >ARCHER >(seductively) Tom: Ooh. Archer's going in Kirk's footsteps. Er, pre-footsteps. >Not much. An empire of warriors with eighty poly-guttural dialects >constructed on an adaptive syntax. > Crow: Oooh, I love it when you talk linguistics, baby. Mike: How can you make THAT sound seductive? >HOSHI >Turn it up. > >Archer taps a control, and the Klingon voice gets louder. As Hoshi >listens... > Crow: She gets incredibly turned on! Mike: I guess everyone has a fetish for something. Tom: That MIGHT explain the whole Carlos fiasco. >ARCHER >Think about it. You'd be the first human to talk to these people. Crow: Not counting the farmer. Tom: But that was more shoot than talk. >(beat) >Do you really want someone else to do it? > >Hoshi looks at him, breathes a sigh. They both know she's been hooked. > Mike: Hooked on Linguistics, works for me! >CUT TO: > >EXT. SPACEDOCK (OPTICAL) > >in orbit. Enterprise is barely visible docked inside. > Tom: The Enterprise is a quiet fellow, usually hiding in docks when in weakness. >INT. ENTERPRISE -READY ROOM (OPTICAL) > >Archer and Charlie are standing at the window, looking at a section of >the Spacedock. > Mike: [Charlie] You think we should do something about that ensign floating in space? >CHARLIE >Since when do we have Vulcan Science Officers? > Tom: 1966, IIRC. >ARCHER >Since we needed starcharts to get to Kronos. Crow: Mapstarquest.com must be down. > >CHARLIE >So we get a few maps... and they get to put a spy on our ship? Crow: I believe they call that an "information exchange". > >ARCHER >Admiral Forrest says we should think of her more as a "chaperone." Tom: She's keeping the ship from slow dancing with other ships? Mike: That would have been useful with Kirk's ship. > >CHARLIE >I thought the whole point of this was to get away from the Vulcans. Tom: [Archer] Oh, right! Next time we'll just go without the maps and hope the nearest planet we bump into is Kronos! > >ARCHER >Four days there, four days back... then she's gone. In the meantime, >we're to extend her every courtesy. > Mike: [Archer] By the way, I've made you bellhop. Now go fetch her luggage. >CHARLIE >I don't know... I'd be more comfortable with Porthos on the Bridge. > >The door CHIMES. > Crow: [Lurch] You rang? >ARCHER >Here we go. Tom: Yep. A half hour in and here we go. >(to com) >Come in. > >T'Pol ENTERS from the Bridge, wearing her Vulcan uniform, holding a >PADD. > Crow: With wings? >T'POL >(hands Archer a PADD) >This confirms that I was formally transferred to your command at oh >eight hundred hours. Mike: [T'Pol] There must be a mistake. I reported at oh eight oh one hours! > Reporting for duty. > >Archer eyes the PADD. Mike: [Archer] T'Pol? That's a Gameboy. > There's an uncomfortable pause. Tom: Which is made more uncomfortable when Charlie starts singing "House on Pooh Corner". > T'Pol sniffs the >air and glances about --it's obvious something smells unpleasant to >her. Crow: Vulcans *are* smart. They're repulsed by Aqua Velva. > She looks to one corner, where PORTHOS, the Captain's DOG, lays >sleeping. Crow: Awwww, the cude widdle puppy...! > Archer looks up from the PADD and notices her nasal distress. > >ARCHER >Is there a problem? > >T'POL >No, sir > Crow: Other than than your dog Stinky, everything just fine. >Archer realizes he's found a button to push. Tom: Ooooo, button pretty. Archer like button. > >ARCHER >Oh, I forgot... Vulcan females >have a heightened sense of smell. Tom: [Archer] Don't worry. Chances are the dog thinks you smell bad too. >(re: dog) >I hope Porthos isn't too offensive to you. Mike: He's the Becker of on-ship dogs. > >T'POL >(with attitude) Tom: Ooh! Sassy! Crow: If by "with attitude", you mean "being stuck-up"... >I've been trained to tolerate offensive situations. Mike: [T'Pol] By being totally offensive myself. > >CHARLIE >I took a shower this morning... how about you, Captain? Mike: [Archer] I was there, remember? > >ARCHER >I'm sorry. Crow: [Archer] I was too busy trying on dresses. > This is Commander Charles Tucker. >(to Charlie) >Sub-Commander T'Pol. > >Charlie extends his hand > >CHARLIE >I'm called Charlie. Crow: I'm kinda free. Kinda wow. > >T'POL >(dry) >I'll try to remember that. > Mike: Since when did logical become aloof? >Archer eyes T'Pol. > Tom: Hey, no one's dryer than me! >ARCHER >While you may not share our enthusiasm about this mission, I expect >you to follow our rules... Crow: [Archer] Which we'll make up along the way. > what's said in this room and out on that >Bridge is classified... privileged information. >(beat) >I don't want every word I say being picked apart the next day by the >Vulcan High Command. > Mike: I mean, if Archer talks about who he thinks will win the Super Bowl, that's HIS problem! >T'POL >My reason for being here is not espionage. Crow: [T'Pol] It's ratings, silly! > My superiors simply asked >me to assist you. > >ARCHER >Your superiors don't think we can flush a toilet without one of you to >"assist" us. Mike: [Archer] A guy floods the bathroom at the Vulcan High Command just *once* and he never hears the end of it. > >T'POL >(cool) Crow: [T'Pol] Like, logic, dude. Whoa. >I didn't request this assignment, >Captain... and you can be certain that when the mission's over, I'll >be as pleased to leave this ship as you'll be to have me go. Tom: If your name wasn't in the opening credits, I just might believe you. > >She glances down at Porthos, who is sniffing at her leg. > Mike: [T'Pol] My acting may be wooden, but don't even think about it. >T'POL >If there's nothing else... > >Archer waits a beat, letting Porthos sniff away. Tom: [Archer] Go, my pretty! SNIFF! SNIFF! > >ARCHER >Porthos! > >The dog obediently moves back to its bed. > >ARCHER >That'll be all. > Mike: [Archer] You passed the sniffer-dog test, you're clean. >As T'Pol EXITS... Crow: A group of time-traveling fanfic authors... ah, I give up on this. Mike: And none too soon. > >DISSOLVE TO: > >INT. SPACEDOCK- OBSERVATION DECK (OPTICAL) > >Admiral Forrest is addressing a large group of invited guests, >including various Starfleet brass, a contingent of Vulcan dignitaries, >and the senior staff of Enterprise: Archer, Charlie, T'Pol, Reed, >Mayweather, and Hoshi. Tom: And other noted Star Trek figures! Like Shatner! Nimoy! Stewart! Brooks! Mulgrew! Phillips! And the tribble that sat on Kirk's chair! > Part of ENTERPRISE can be seen out the >observation window. > >ADMIRAL FORREST >When Zefram Cochrane made his legendary warp flight ninety years >ago... Crow: He was whacked out on tequila shooters and leering at Deanna Troi. > and drew the attention of our new friends, the Vulcans, we >realized that we weren't alone in the galaxy. >(beat) Mike: [Forrest] How quickly we became to resent that fact. >Today we're about to cross a new threshold. For nearly a century, >we've waded ankle-deep in the ocean of space... now it's finally >time to swim. > Tom: It was the Vulcan's job to make sure Earth waited a half hour after eating before swimming in the ocean of space. >The crowd applauds enthusiastically. The Vulcans observe them >stoically. > Mike: Oh, they're just waiting until the caterers arrive. >ADMIRAL FORREST >(continuing) >The warp five engine wouldn't be a reality without men like Doctor >Cochrane and Henry Archer, who worked so hard to develop it. So it's >only fitting that Henry's son, Jonathan Archer, will command the first >starship powered by that engine. > Tom: And not, say, some diplomatic weenie versed in first contact. >Forrest nods to Archer, who leads his crew toward a nearby set of >doors. > Mike: [Archer] Okay, they finally said my name. Come on, let's get out of here before those Vulcans lecture me again. >ADMIRAL FORREST >(continuing) >Rather than quoting Doctor >Cochrane, I think we should listen to his own words from the ground >breaking ceremony for the Warp Five Complex... thirty-two years ago... Crow: Oddly enough, it's the same footage that caught glimpse of the 'mysterious ship' that was in their orbit when Cochrane did his work. > >Forrest looks toward the large window, which also serves as a >VIEWSCREEN. Mike: And a TAKE-OUT WINDOW, and an ASTROMETRICS LAB, and... > It comes alive with ARCHIVAL FOOTAGE of an elderly ZEFRAM >COCHRANE giving a speech. > Tom: [Cochrane] ...And that is why I always brush my teeth. >Standing beside him at a construction site are a number of fellow >scientists, including Archer's father, Henry, who is only a few years >younger than when we saw him in the opening scene. > Mike: And if you people at home haven't seen Henry the first time, then you're no good at "Where's Waldo". >COCHRANE >On this site, a powerful engine will be built... an engine that will >someday let us travel a hundred times faster than we can today. > Tom: [Cochrane] I call it an automobile! >As the speech continues... > Crow: The Vulcans start wondering when the humans will stop their exploratory diatribe and start listening to logic. >INT. ENTERPRISE -BRIDGE > >Far more basic than future starship, this command center lacks the >"airport terminal" feel of Enterprises A through E. Tom: Airport terminal? Mike: No wonder I always had a sudden craving for peanuts. > A central >Captain's chair is surrounded by various stations, Mike: Exxon, Conoco, Sinclair... Crow: Fox, CNN, UPN... Tom: Amtrak, Greyhound, Shining Time... > the floors and >walls, are mostly steel, with source light coming nom myriad glowing >panels. No carpets on the floors, no wood paneling on the walls, >high-tech gauges, dials. > Tom: Instead, it was covered with crunchy cookies! Mike: Do I get the feeling this series is more about what *isn't* there than what is? >COCHRANE (O.C.) >(continuing) >Imagine it. Thousands of inhabited planets at our fingertips. > Mike: Soon crushed in our vice like grip! >T'Pol, Reed, Mayweather and Hoshi take their stations... and Archer >takes the Captain's chair... > Tom: And a game of musical chairs ends. Mike: "Hooray! Everyone wins!" >COCHRANE (O.C.) >(continuing) >And we'll be able to explore those strange new worlds... and seek out >new life and new civilizations. > Tom: [Cochrane] And see all their bumpy foreheads! >INT. OBSERVATION DECK (OPTICAL) > >Cochrane on the Viewscreen... > >COCHRANE (continuing) >This engine will let us go boldly... where no man has gone before. > Mike: So, the opening narration of every TOS and TNG show was really a ripoff from that speech? Crow: I knew Kirk didn't really come up with that line. >EXT. SPACEDOCK (OPTICAL) > >Mooring lines SNAP AWAY in bursts of frozen vapor. > Tom: Congratulations, spacedock! It's a new series! >INT. ENTERPRISE -MAIN ENGINEERING > >Charlie stands before the now throbbing warp core. > Crow: [Charlie, slyly] Any of you ladies turned on by the warp core as I am? >INT. BRIDGE > >Archer and his crew,as before. Archer leans forward in the Captain's >chair. > Tom: [Archer] If my diplomacy bites, I'll schmooze them! God, I'm handsome! > > >FLASHBACK: CLOSE ON YOUNG ARCHER'S FACE (OPTICAL) > >as a tiny ANTI-GRAV UNIT the size of a Dixie cup floats up into frame. >The humming unit hovers before the transfixed child. > Crow: When Dixie Cups Attack! >FLASHBACK: CLOSE ON ARCHER'S FATHER (OPTICAL) > >working a small control unit, smiles warmly at his son. > >FLASHBACK: WIDER ON YOUNG ARCHER'S FACE (OPTICAL) > >as the anti-grav unit settles back on the table. The father plucks the >unit out of the air and hands it to the boy, who inserts it into the >starship model. > Tom: [Father] Uh, son. Maybe you should put it in the slot, not the cockpit. You're squishing the captain >RESUME CAPTAIN ARCHER > >as he reflects a beat, then: > Crow: Is told by T'Pol that daydreaming is illogical. >ARCHER >Take her out... straight and steady, Mister Mayweather. Tom: [Archer] We don't want to botch it all up in the beginning, now, do we? > >EXT. SPACEDOCK (OPTICAL) > >The great ship is moving out of its berth. On the hull, we see the >name ENTERPRISE - NX-01. > Crow: Nix one? Nixon? >EXT. SPACE -ENTERPRISE (OPTICAL) > >Our first full view of the majestic ship as it clears the dock and >moves into open space. Enterprise is lean and masculine, yet its twin >warp nacelles suggest the shape of Starfleet vessels to come. > Mike: Okay, is it me, or are we getting this "Star Trek: The Motion Picture" deja vu? Tom: Great, now we'll have the theme song play over and over again while we wait for something to happen! >INT. BRIDGE > >Archer taps a button on the arm of his chair. Tom: [Archer] Hello, room service? > >ARCHER >How are we doing, Charlie? > Crow: [Charlie] We just started the series, John! How am I supposed to judge ratings now? >INT. MAIN ENGINEERING > >Charlie working at the warp core, which is now pulsing at full power. > >CHARLIE >Ready when you are. > >ARCHER'S COM VOICE >Prepare for warp one. Crow: Chicken! Just floor it! > >INT. BRIDGE > >MAYWEATHER >Course laid in, sir. >(beat) Mike: [Mayweather] I SAID... >Request permission to get underway. > >T'Pol studies her console and turns to Archer. > >T'POL >(critical) >The coordinates are off by point two degrees. > Tom: [Archer] Oh darn it! Then we'll have to stop the whole mission so we can account for the TWO FLIPPIN' DEGREES! Crow: Logic dictates that being perfectionist is the only way to go! >Archer won't let her spoil the moment he's waited so long for. > >ARCHER >Thank you. >(to Mayweather) >Let's go. > Mike: [T'Pol] Going through warp ain't like dusting crops, boy... [pause] now why did I say that? >EXT. SPACE- ENTERPRISE (OPTICAL) > >A crescent of EARTH is seen as the ship BLASTS to WARP. > Crow: NOW it GETS really EXCITING! Mike: What ADVENTURES await our HEROES? Tom: TUNE in and find OUT! >CUT TO: > >INT. SULIBAN HELIX -TEMPORAL CHAMBER (OPTICAL) > [The bots hum the Imperial March. They get louder as the scene goes by.] >Dimly-lit, filled with labyrinthine technology. Mike: Kinda like the set of Tron. Tom: Or the underground levels in Super Mario Bros. > The room is bisected >by an archway that creates a rippling BARRIER of ENERGY. Crow: A force field? Mike: It could be one of those invisible dog fences. > This is a >place where people from two different time frames can briefly coexist; Tom: Oh, no, It's "Meeting of the Minds!" >the Suliban come here to meet with visitors from a distant century. Mike: Whoops! Crow: Yeah, ignore that revelation for later episodes in the season, folks. > >Two men stand on opposite sides of the barrier. On our side is a >Suliban named SILIK; on the other, Tom: Six feet tall, weighing in at 230 lbs., the current champion of the galaxy... FISHHHHHHHEAAAAD MCGEEEEEE! > we can barely make out the image of >a HUMANOID FIGURE. All: Hey! Mike: Great. Characters are popping into the SoL before they're formally introduced. Tom: Well, he was from the future, Mike. Crow: And now the challenger, height unknown, weighing in at unknown, and just plain mysterious, THEEEEEE ARCH-VILLAIIIIIIINNNNN! > Both men stand at identical high-tech podiums. Mike: Ack! It's the Presidential Debates! > >As they speak, their WORDS and IMAGES seem to PRE-ECHO in a strange >effect -- we can see and hear things a split-second before they >happen. Tom: Unlike our Congress. > It's a disquieting and eerie feeling of two worlds slightly >out of phase with each other. > Tom: Actually it's an annoying and distracting feeling of a crappy special effect. Crow: And yet they seem to be comfortable with looking like cheap 80s rock videos. >Silik, in his fifties, has the same dappled skin as the Suliban we >briefly saw at Broken Bow. Mike: He looks good for a Suliban in his fifties, don't you think? Crow: Not a day over forty-five. > He's a high-ranking member of the Suliban >Cabal. Mike: They're a group of Art Bells and Dale Gribbles? > The Humanoid Figure who faces him is a male of indeterminate >age; we can barely make out his appearance or his words. Crow: Oh, so he's Bigfoot. > Mid-scene: > > >HUMANOID FIGURE >Where's Klaang? > Tom: Weird. That figure sounds just like Dean Wormer. Crow: Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life, Mr. Silik. >SILIK >The humans have him. > Mike: [Silik] Shall I patch you through to them, sir? >HUMANOID FIGURE >Did you lose anyone else? > Crow: [Silik] We lost Elvis, Jimmy Hoffa, and reruns of "Growing Pains". >SILIK >Two of my soldiers were killed. Tom: [Silik] There goes half my army. >One of them was a friend. Can you prevent it? Mike: Prevent something that happened? > >HUMANOID FIGURE >Our agreement doesn't provide for correcting mistakes. Tom: [Figure] Plus it would just confuse the audience. >(firm) >Recover the evidence. > Mike: [Silik] Very well. Shall I bring back their incinerated corpses? >SILIK >I will... I promise you. Crow: Ha, ha! He had his fingers crossed! >(beat) >When will we speak again? > Tom: [Figure] When the Alvanian cave sloth finally wakes up. >HUMANOID FIGURE >Don't be concerned with when. Crow: [Figure] It could be just a few seconds for all we know! It's the way time-travel works! > >The figure vanishes... and a moment later, so does the barrier of >energy. OFF Silik... > >EXT. SPACE -ENTERPRISE (OPTICAL) > >as it dramatically flies past at warp. > Tom: Moving faster than light! Which makes it awfully hard to show in establishing shots... >CLOSE ON ARCHER'S FACE > >distorted through a JAR Crow: No! It's a Phantom Menace crossover! > he's holding that's filled with viscous pink >fluid. Mike: Hand soap or reanimating fluid? You make the call. > Tiny corkscrew ORGANISMS flit through the liquid. As he turns >the jar back and forth, studying the tiny creatures... Tom: He accidentally pours the contents on his shoe, where the organisms chew until they reach his foot. > >ARCHER >Love what you've done with the place. > Crow: Yeah, the jar does seem a lot roomier now, don't it? >PHLOX (O.C.) >Those are immunocytic gel worms... try not to shake them. > Mike: They must be carbonated. Crow: [Phlox] I need to put them back in my immunocytic tequila bottle. >REVEAL we're in -- > >INT. ENTERPRISE -SICKBAY (OPTICAL) > Crow: Nothing gets by you, script! >Where Phlox (the quirky alien seen at Starfleet Medical) is carefully >placing various medical paraphernalia on shelves. Tom: Plungers, screwdrivers, dominoes, throw pillows... > The jars and tools >are definitely not Starfleet issue. Mike: What? They don't even have the Starfleet Seal of Approval? I'm shocked! > In the b.g., Klaang (the Klingon) >is lying on a bio-bed, unconscious. Mike: Harry [the Human], Randy [the Romulan], and Vyx [the Vulcan] were at his bedside. > Archer hands Phlox the jar of >pink fluid, and continues to pass him other articles out of a large >packing case during the conversation. > >ARCHER >So what'd you think of Earth? > Tom: I don't know, I've never been on it personally. Crow: Besides, every time we get an experiment, it makes me less and less eager to go down there. >PHLOX >Intriguing. I especially liked the Chinese food. Have you ever tried >it? > Mike: And as we all know, an alien would get to try out Earth recipes long before a long-time Earthling does. >ARCHER >I've lived in San Francisco all my life. > Tom: And your hair is brown. Now have you tried it or not? >PHLOX >Anatomically, you humans are somewhat simplistic... but what >you lack biologically you make up for with your charming optimism... Mike: Tell that to Crow. Crow: Hey! >not to mention your egg drop soup. Tom: [Phlox] But those fortune cookies? Absolutely wrong! And why should I eat the paper that comes inside? >(re: his medical gear) >Be very careful with the blue box. > Mike: [Phlox] Those are my glass recyclables. >Archer gingerly passes him a small blue box with breathing holes on >either side. Some unseen creature skitters within. > >ARCHER >What's in there? > Tom: [Phlox] Oh, that's Martin Short. Put him down. >PHLOX >An Altarian marsupial... their droppings contain the greatest >concentration of regenerative enzymes found anywhere. > Crow: Sphincter factor of 9.5. >ARCHER >(uncomfortably) >Their droppings? > Mike: Note to self- never mention what honey is made of to Archer. >PHLOX >(philosophical) >If you're going to try to embrace new worlds... you must try to >embrace new ideas. That's why the Vulcans initiated the Interspecies >Medical Exchange... there's a lot to be learned! > Crow: [Archer] Well, I'm still holding out until they start the Interspecies Stock Exchange. Seriously, those hi-tech stocks must be worth *something*! >ARCHER >I'm sorry I had to take you away from your program... Mike: [Archer] I know how addictive Tetris is. > but our doctors >haven't even heard of a Klingon. > Crow: Except for the proctologists. >PHLOX >Please, no apologies! What better time to study human beings than when >they're under pressure? It's a rare opportunity. Crow: [Phlox] And if you explode, hey, internal organs are cool! >(re: Klaang) >And your Klingon friend... I've never had a chance to examine a living >one before. > Tom: Well, unless he's dead... then it'll be Phlox's first chance to do an autopsy! Mike: Some doctors have all the fun! >ARCHER >Lieutenant Mayweather tells me we'll be to Kronos in about eighty >hours. Tom: Eighty hours? We don't have that long an episode! Mike: So, that'll be Sunday morning then... That won't work! We'll be up against Meet the Press! > Any chance he'll be conscious by then? > >PHLOX >There's a chance he'll be conscious within the next ten minutes... >just not a very good one. > Tom: [Phlox] And there's even a smaller chance that he'll be up singing five Klingon opera songs in a row! >ARCHER >Eighty hours, Doctor. If he doesn't walk off this ship on his own two >feet, he doesn't stand much of a chance. > >PHLOX >I'll do the best I can. >(off his doubtful look) >Optimism, Captain! > Mike: Yeah, isn't that just Prime. >Phlox SMILES a grin of inhuman proportions (and with the help of a >VISUAL EFFECT, it will be like no smile we've seen before). Crow: Actually, it's similar to Jim Carrey's "The Grinch" smile. > Archer >realizes he's gotten all he's going to get out of his new doctor. He >walks to Klaang, stops for a beat, then heads for the door... > Tom: Let's see how the rest of the character development is going... >CUT TO: > >INT. ENTERPRISE- CRAMPED CRAWLSPACE (OPTICAL) > >Charlie is climbing up a ladder through a narrow passageway. As he >reaches the top, he stares above him. .. Mike: [Charlie] How many of these things do I have to climb in this series? > >CHARLIE >You're upsidedown, lieutenant. > >CAMERA WIDENS to reveal Mayweather comfortably sitting on what appears >to be the CEILING. > Crow: Wow. Lionel Ritchie technology. >MAYWEATHER >Yes, sir. > >CHARLIE >Care to explain why? > >MAYWEATHER >When I was a kid, we called it the "sweet spot. " Every ship's got >one. Tom: You can shoot 3-pointers from it, no problem! > >CHARLIE >(intrigued) >Sweet spot. > Mike: [Charlie] I'll show you "sweet spot", if you don't get down there! >MAYWEATHER >It's usually about halfway between the grav-generator and the bow >plate. > >He points to a thin conduit that crosses below him > >MAYWEATHER >Grab hold of that conduit. Tom: Ew! Not in public! > >Charlie reaches for the conduit. > Crow: Gary Conduit? Mike: Starfleet must have finally found the body. >MAYWEATHER >Now swing your legs up. > >Charlie hesitates. > >MAYWEATHER >Swing your legs. > Tom: [Mayweather] You DO know what 'swing' is, right? Crow: [Charlie] It's true! I can't dance squat! There, I said it! >Charlie swings his legs up, and to his amazement, they stay up -- his >curled body floating in ZERO G. > >CHARLIE >Wow > Mike: [Charlie] Zero G... it's like... well, my training? >MAYWEATHER >Now let go. > Tom: Now bend over and cough. >Charlie releases his grip, and his entire body FLOATS in mid-air. Crow: Look folks, no mirrors, no strings! >Charlie laughs in delight as he slowly turns. He tries to control his >movements, but CRASHES onto the "ceiling" where Mayweather is sitting. > >MAYWEATHER >Takes practice. > >As Charlie settles in next to him... > Crow: There WOULD'VE been a group of time-traveling Fembots, but they got lost in the Zero G. > >MAYWEATHER >Ever slept in zero G? > >CHARLIE >Slept? > Mike: [Charlie] Don't give me this stuff about "sleeping"! We all know it's just a myth! >MAYWEATHER >Like being back in the womb. > Mike: Only it's not quite as wet. Oh, and there's no cord. And you keep bumping into walls... Tom: I'm just curious as when he's slept in a womb recently to compare the experiences. >Charlie eyes him, curious. Crow: [Charlie] The womb, eh? > >CHARLIE >Captain tells me you've been to Trillius Prime. > Crow: [Charlie] Did you meet Steve? >MAYWEATHER >Took the fourth, fifth and sixth grades to get there. I've also >been to Draylax and both the Andorian Moons. > Mike: [Mayweather] And yet I've never been to Disneyland. Crow: I've even been to paradise, but I've never been to me. >CHARLIE >I've only been to one inhabited planet besides Earth... nothing there >but dust-dwelling ticks. Crow: [Charlie] One kept yelling "SPOOOON!" a lot, though. >(beat, curious) >I've heard the women on Draylax have... Tom: Cooties? > >MAYWEATHER (nodding) >Three... it's true. > Mike: Wow! Three washing machines apiece! Crow: They must use a ton of fabric softener! >CHARLIE (impressed) >You know that first-hand? > >MAYWEATHER >First-hand, second-hand, and third-hand. > Mike: Oh, so they have three hands then? >CHARLIE >I guess growing up a boomer has its advantages. Crow: [whispering to Mike] I think they're talking about boobies. Mike: [whispers back] Me too. Tom: If you don't mind hard-suited bimbos shooting at you. > >They share a smile... > Tom: But not the drink. >CUT TO: > >INT. CREW MESS > >Busy. A dozen or so CREWMEMBERS are sitting at long, metal tables, >helping themselves at the food line, and getting drinks at a row of >high-tech beverage dispensers. Tom: And yet, they STILL have to choose between Coke or Pepsi? Crow: Unfortunately, all the dispensers have is Diet RC. > Charlie ENTERS and starts walking across >the room, passes a group of crewmen having dinner. > >CREWMAN FLETCHER >(to Charlie) >Got an empty seat here, Commander. > Crow: Cool! They're going to re-enact "My Dinner with Fletcher". >CHARLIE >Sorry. Dinner with the boss tonight. > >Charlie heads toward a small door at the end of the room... > Crow: (Fletcher) He's been passing by this room four times now, every time having to tell us that he's gonna have dinner with the boss. What a kiss-up! >INT. CAPTAIN'S MESS > >A small, nicely-appointed room with a table for four >(six in a pinch) Mike: Nine if Gimli and the boys stop by. > that is covered by a white tablecloth. The room is >warmly lit by two candles at the center of the table. Archer and T'Pol >are seated across from each other, mid-conversation. > Crow: [Archer] So, I hear you Vulcans have heightened senses. Shall I please them? [Mike sighs.] >ARCHER >The Grand Canyon? > >T'POL >No. > Tom: [Archer] I'm not good at this guessing game. Is it Alaska? >ARCHER >Big Sur Aquarium? > Tom: [Archer] Oregon? Wisconsin?... Canada? Crow: [T'Pol] It's Washington, you moron! Sheesh, you humans don't even understand your own geography! >T'POL >Sightseeing was not one of my assignments. > Mike: [T'Pol] That was Ambassador National Geographic. >ARCHER >All work and no play... >(off her puzzled look) Crow: Makes T'Pol a confused girl. >Everyone should get out for a little R & R now and then. > >T'POL >All our recreational needs are provided at the Compound. Mike: Yeah, nothing a quick trip to McDonalds couldn't fix. > >The door CHIMES. > >ARCHER >Come in. > >Charlie ENTERS from the Mess Hall. Tom: Hmmm, odd... the other shows never had a separate captain's mess. Mike: Nah, there's always the "Briefing Room". Crow: Bah, it's more of a "recap-the-plot" room than anything. > >CHARLIE >You should've started without me. > Mike: [Charlie] I'm really not that hungry... Tom: [Archer] Nonsense! You must try my cooking. Mike: [Charlie] That's what I was afraid of... >Archer indicates the chair to his left. > >ARCHER >Sit down > Crow: [Archer] I ORDER you to eat dinner! >Charlie takes, aseat and reaches for a bread stick, starts chomping. >T'Pol raises an eyebrow at his noisy eating habits. Archer extends the >basket to T'Pol, who removes a bread stick and places it on her plate. > Crow: It's rich in bready goodness! >ARCHER >(to Charlie) >T'Pol tells me she's been living at the Vulcan Compound in Sausalito. > >CHARLIE >(chomping away) >No kidding. I lived a few blocks from there when I was at the Academy. Crow: [Charlie] We used to leave a flaming paper bag by Ambassador Soval's room. Man, those were the days! >(sarcastic) >Great parties at the Vulcan Compound. Tom: Especially when that Pon Farr thingy starts. ROWR! > >T'Pol doesn't respond to this --she's too busy trying to cut the bread >stick with her knife and fork. But it's too crisp, and crumbles. Crow: Silly Vulcan. Don't you know they have a breadstick knife somewhere? > >ARCHER >(diplomatic) >It might be a little easier using your fingers. Tom: Archer's first diplomatic act is addressing T'Pol's table manners? [beat] Figures. > >T'POL >Vulcans don't touch food with their hands. > Mike: Which explains Vulcan Chip Tongs. >She changes her tack --holds the bread stick with her fork, gently >sawing it with the edge of her knife. > >CHARLIE >Can't wait to see you tackle the spare ribs. Crow: Why not? We only have two hours to kill! > >T'Pol glances at Archer. > >ARCHER >Don't worry. We know you're a vegetarian. Mike: Logic dictates that advanced species are all herbivores. > >At this point, the door leading to the kitchen opens and a STEWARD >enters carrying three plates of food. Tom: Oddly enough, they were all for Charlie. Crow: Ice cream sandwiches! I can't wait to see T'Pol eat them! > As he places them down, we see >that Archer and Charlie are being served meat, while T'Pol receives a >platter of grilled vegetables. > >CHARLIE Looks delicious. >(to Steward) >Tell Chef I said thanks. > Tom: Oh, and tell him I love his salty, chocolate balls. >The steward nods and EXITS. As the two men begin to eat, T'Pol >continues to methodically saw at the bread stick. > Mike: No wonder why T'Pol looks amazingly thin. She can't even eat a breadstick without methodically sawing it! >T'POL >You humans claim to be >enlightened, yet you still consume the flesh of animals. Crow: Look who's talking, you breadstick sawyer! Tom: This message brought to you by PETA. PETA! Reminding you that bunnies are cute and tofu is yummy! > >CHARLIE >(mouth full, wry) >Grandma taught me never to judge a species by their eating habits. Tom: [Charlie] If we did that, I'd say your species is too stuck-up and snooty. > >ARCHER >"Enlightened" may be too strong a word, Mike: [Archer] But so is "discombobulated". > but if you'd been on Earth >fifty years ago, I think you'd be impressed by what we've gotten done. Crow: [Archer] We've haven't eaten babies in over fifty years! > >T'POL >You've yet to embrace either patience or logic... you remain impulsive >carnivores. > Mike: [T'Pol] And you still watch Reality TV shows. >CHARLIE >Yeah? How about war... disease... hunger? Crow: [Charlie] We got all that, and more! > Pretty much wiped 'em out in >less than two generations. I wouldn't call that small potatoes. Mike: Baked beans, maybe? Crow: Stop it! I'm getting hungry already. > >T'POL >It remains to be seen whether humanity will revert to its baser >instincts. > >CHARLIE >(tweaking her) >We used to have cannibals on Earth. Who knows how far we'll revert? Crow: A planet where apes evolved from... Tom: Dah! Don't remind us, Crow. >Lucky this isn't a long mission. > >ARCHER >Human instinct is pretty strong -- you can't expect us to change >overnight. > Crow: [Archer] Unless it becomes a fad or something. >She finally saws off a section of bread stick, and gracefully slides >it onto her fork. > >T'POL >With proper discipline, anything's possible. Mike: Like maybe humans beating you silly pointy-ears at everything? Crow: Not now, Mike. Let her enjoy her superiority complex. > >As she places the bread into her mouth > Tom: Everyone in the writers staff decided not to write another dinner scene again. >EXT. SPACE- ENTERPRISE (OPTICAL) > >Streaking at warp. The ship seems to pick up speed and >RACES past CAMERA. > Crow: Meanwhile, Elliot Ness races towards Capone's hideout! >INT. ENTERPRISE -BRIDGE > >Archer, T'Pol, Reed, Mayweather, Hoshi and various crewmembers at >their stations. Everyone is quiet, as though anticipating something. Mike: They're all waiting for those Powerball numbers. > We hear >the low HUM of the ship at warp. > >ARCHER >Seems okay to me. Tom: Ah. The Nielsens must be in. >(to Mayweather) >Why don't you try four-three? > >Mayweather works the helm. There's a slight change of pitch in the >sound of the ship's engines. > Tom: Oh, how intense. Crow: May I? Tom: Sure. Crow: INTENSE! WARP-CHANGING! ACTION! [to Tom] How's that? Tom: Needs more spunk. >MAYWEATHER >Warp four point three, sir. > >Another quiet moment as they all listen, waiting for something to >happen. > Mike: This is boring! Have Q show up! Or a giant space amoeba! Or a Greek god! Something! >REED >Not much of a change. > >HOSHI >I don't know... does anybody else feel that? > Tom: [Reed] Oh, sorry, that was just my foot. >ARCHER >Feel what? > >HOSHI >Those... vibrations... like little tremors. Tom: Ensign Brooks is running the floor buffer, Hoshi. > >T'POL >(cool) >You're imagining it. Crow: [T'Pol] Like that Banana Slug that's been oozing in your room, or the little green men hiding in your closet. > >ARCHER >(to Mayweather) >Bring us to four-four, Lieutenant. Tom: Warp four point four? Watch it, guys, the audience might wet its pants. > >Mayweather works. A tiny SHUDDER and the deep sounds of engines >working as the ship accelerates. Hoshi grabs the sides of her seat. > >HOSHI >There! What do you call that? Mike: A tiny SHUDDER and the deep sounds of engines working as the ship accelerates. Duh. > >T'POL >The warp reactor was recalibrating. It shouldn't happen again. > >A small ALARM sounds at Reed's station. Crow: [Reed] Ah shoot, someone broke into my fridge again. Uh, I mean, intruder alert, Captain! > >HOSHI >(anxious) >Now what? > >REED >The deflector's sequencing. >It's perfectly normal. > Mike: Those flashing lights and the "Warp core overload imminent" announcements always sound when the deflector changes. >T'POL >(dry, to Hoshi) >Perhaps you'd like to go to your quarters and lie down? > Crow: [T'Pol] I'll bring you your Mr. Snuggles. >Hoshi doesn't like T'Pol's slightly condescending attitude. Tom: [bitterly] She's not the only one... > >HOSHI >(in Vulcan, an insult) >Ponfo mirann. > Crow: I believe that means "At least I'm not here to please the fanboys." >T'POL >(with matching attitude) >I was instructed to speak English during this voyage. I'd appreciate it >if you'd respect that. > [All make cat hisses and scratching sounds.] >Archer, who's concerned these two aren't getting along, tries to change >the subject. > Mike: [Archer] So, how about them Vikings? >ARCHER >(lightly) >It's easy to get a little jumpy when you're travelling at thirty >million kilometers a second. Tom: It's also easy to lose your stomach, but that doesn't seem to be the case, eh Archy? > Should be old-hat in a week's time. > >Another TONE is heard. Mike: Sorry. That's my cell phone. > Hoshi tenses. Archer taps a button on the arm >of his chair. > Crow: [Archer, "Shatnerized"] Captain's LOG! Stardate... er, SOMETHING or other! We are CURRENTLY... traveling! At... warp four point FOUR! >ARCHER (to com) >Archer. > >PHLOX'S COM VOICE >This is Doctor Phlox, Captain. Our patient is regaining consciousness. > > >ARCHER >On my way. >(stands) >Hoshi. > Mike: [Archer] We'll get you your blanket on the way. >Hoshi joins him and they head for the Turbolift > >CUT TO: > >TIGHT ON KLAANG > >seated on the bio-bed, babbling in Klingon. (See ADDENDUM for any >unscripted Klaang dialog.) Tom: Consult your local Klingon-English dictionary for details. > We will shortly learn that he's delirious >and not making any sense. Crow: Just like Pat Buchanan. > >KLAANG (shouting) >Pung: g:hap HoS! Tom: "I need a bucket of sour cream"? > >WIDEN to see -- > >INT. SICKBAY > >Archer, Hoshi and Phlox are gathered around the bio-bed. A SECURITY >GUARD armed with a PLASMA RIFLE stands watch. Mike: [Guard] He's been yelling in my ear, sir. Shall I shoot him? > Hoshi is working a PADD. > >ARCHER >(to Hoshi) >What's wrong? > Mike: [Hoshi] I can't download the o's! I can't download the o's! >HOSHI >The translator's not locking onto his dialect... the syntax won't >align. > Crow: A memory problem. She probably has Minesweeper running in the background. >KLAANG >(shouts) > DujDaj Hegh! > Tom: "Once upon a time I was falling in love, but now I'm only falling apart"? >Hoshi hesitates, finding the words. > >ARCHER >Tell him we're taking him home. > Mike: And tell him we'll be serving fish sticks for dinner. >HOSHI >(to Klaang, in Klingon) >Ingan Hoch... juH. > Crow: "What is the weather like in Turkey"? >Klaang responds: > >KLAANG >Tujpa'qyl Dun? > Tom: I think he wants some Mountain Dew. >HOSHI >(to Archer) >He wants to know who we are > >Archer nods -- tell him. > >HOSHI (to Klaang) >Ou'ghewme~ Enter~rise. PugloD. > >KLAANG >Nenta~ lu~Hom. > Tom: "Did my last paycheck include my June commission"? >HOSHI >"LupHom" ..."ship" ... >(to Archer) >He's asking for his ship back. Mike: Sure, why not? Just tell him to help in the clean-up effort on the farm there. > >ARCHER >Say it was destroyed. Tom: [Archer] I'm assuming this, of course. > >HOSHI >(to Klaang) >SonchI~. > >KLAANG >Vengen Sto'vo'kor Dos! > Crow: "How can I get Master of Magic to run under Windows XP"? >Hoshi frowns, puzzled. > >HOSHI >I'm not sure... but I think he's saying something about "eating the >afterlife. Mike: Oh, he just wants some Philadelphia cream cheese. > >ARCHER >(frustrated) >Try the translator again. > >Hoshi works the PADD, shakes her head. > >HOSHI >I'm going to need to run what we've got through the phonetic >processor. Tom: [Hoshi] So I'll have to realign the ventricle phase array... > >KLAANG >(urgent) >MajOa blmoHgu! > Crow: "iT'lL bE dARk sOOn!"? >HOSHI >He says... "his wife has grown ugly." > Tom: That explains his "No dishonorable fat chicks" T-shirt. >Archer sighs. > >HOSHI >I'm sorry, Captain... I'm doing the best I can. > >PHLOX >Excuse me. > Tom: [Phlox] Hello? Alien doctor needs attention! >They turn to him. Phlox is checking an alien scanning device. > Crow: [Phlox] I'm detecting high levels of phlostigon! >PHLOX >His pre-frontal cortex is hyperstimulated... I doubt he has any idea >what he's saying. Mike: He's just making words up? Tom: Shucks, and I thought "Tiny" Lister was versed in the Klingon language! > >KLAANG >HljolOaOqu'na~! > Crow: "I like pie"? >HOSHI >I think the Doctor's right, Captain...unless "stinky boots" has >something to do with all this. > Tom: Are you kidding? The stinky boots are the keys to this whole puzzle! >Suddenly, the ship SHUDDERS as it drops out of warp. Hoshi >instinctively grabs the Captain's arm. > Mike: Ah. The scary movie maneuver. Archer must want to cuddle. >HOSHI >That's the warp reactor again, right? > >KLAANG >OaOgu'na~! > Tom: "No! Don't invest in Enron"? >Concerned, Archer taps a nearby com button. > >ARCHER >Bridge, report. > >T'POL'S COM VOICE >We've dropped out of warp, sir. Main power is -- > Crow: [T'Pol] Ah, who cares? I don't care about you stupid humans anyway. You find out yourself! >A brief burst of static, then the com goes dead. The lights start to >FLICKER and the consoles begin to GO OUT one by one. Mike: Looks like they hit a California spatial anomaly. > >INT. BRIDGE > >T'Pol, Reed, Mayweather and assorted crewmembers react as the lights >and consoles continue to GO OUT. > Tom: [T'Pol] Hmmm, this may prove challenging. MAY. Crow: [Mayweather] I sure wish the gravity goes off too. Mike: [Reed] Where's my gun? >REED >(confused, re: his console) >I think I saw something off the starboard bow... > Mike: Pirates! They're being attacked by the short subject! >T'POL >What? > Crow: [Reed] Are you hard of hearing, pointy? >REED >I don't know... it may've just been the sensors going down... Mike: Big ships usually appear on malfunctioning sensors just before they go down. > >EXT. SPACE -ENTERPRISE (OPTICAL) > >The few remaining lights GO OUT, leaving the ship in total darkness. > >INT. ENGINEERING > >Darkness. Mike: Welcome to the Sci-Fi Channel. > A handheld BEACON lights up, following by three more. Charlie >and several crewmembers are working at the now inactive warp core. Crow: And of course we automatically assume the source of the power loss is in the core, and not, say, some alien ship. >Charlie leans over to a com panel and taps it. > Tom: [Charlie] We need a fondue set and some chicken soup, fast! >CHARLIE >Captain. Mike: I say what. >(taps it again) >Captain! > Mike: I say what you want. >He realizes it's dead. > Mike: Jim. Crow: [Charlie] Darn it. I'm all out of ideas now! >CHARLIE >(to crewman) >Lock off the coolant tanks! > Mike: [Charlie] And get me a towel while you're at it! >INT. CORRIDOR -SULIBAN "NIGHT VISION" POV (OPTICAL) > >A pixilated, monochromatic POV moving quickly through the corridor. We >see the grainy image of another SULIBAN moving ahead of us... Mike: Their picture quality isn't all that great. Tom: What's worse, the Suliban don't even have cable! > >INT, SICKBAY (OPTICAL) > >Darkness. Archer, Hoshi and Phlox have beacons. Klanng continues to >bellow over the scene (see ADDENDUM). Crow: Please, don't make us. You wouldn't want that. > Chirps and whistles come from >the various alien lifeforms the doctor has brought with him. > Tom: Crickets ... In ... Spaaaace!!!! >ARCHER >Auxiliary power should've kicked in by now... > >Another outburst from Klaang. > >ARCHER >(to Hoshi) >Do you know how to tell him to shut up? Mike: Have you tried yelling at him loudly? That seems to work for me when I'm in Canada. > >Hoshi, who's growing more nervous, flashes her beacon from wall to >wall. > >HOSHI >(to Klaang) >Shut up! > Crow: Ha! It's funny see, because she's a translator and - Mike: I get it, I get it. >Klaang continues to shout. > Crow: Klaang's into primal screaming. >ARCHER >(to Phlox) >Sedate him if you have to. Tom: How about NOW? > I need to get to the Bridge. > >Archer heads for the door. > >HOSHI >(sotto, urgent) >Captain! > >He turns. Hoshi is moving her beacon across a wall. > >HOSHI >(sotto) >There's someone here. Mike: [Archer] Of course there is. There's me, Klaang, Phlox, and his alien garden! > >ARCHER >(doubtful) >Hoshi... > Tom: [Archer] Remember when you said Yogi Bear was on the viewscreen? >HOSHI >I'm telling you, there's someone -- > > > Mike: It's the editor! And he's removing lines! > >She stops as her beacon illuminates a HUMANOID FORM. Like a chameleon, >it has taken on the appearance of its background and is barely >visible. Tom: Found you! Now it's my turn to go hide! >Once discovered, the figure LEAPS back into the darkness. > Tom: Predator vs. Star Trek vs Aliens vs. Terminator vs. RoboCop! >A glimmer of recognition falls over Klaang's face as he shuts up for >the first time. > All: Thank you! >KLAANG (quietly) >Suliban. > Mike: And Gilvert. Tom: Isn't that a Star Wars species? Mike: Now now, Servo. > >Archer's beacon finds a second SULIBAN perched like a spider high on a >WALL (he is not camouflaged like the first Suliban). > Crow: He's attired in a stylish silver sequined gown! >ARCHER >(to guard) >Crewman! > >As the guard raises his rifle, the Suliban LEAPS to the ground, where >we see a third SULIBAN quickly dart into the shadows. > >The guard FIRES toward them! Mike: Hilarity ENSUED! Tom: People were SHOT! Crow: The EXCLAIMATION POINT was USED! > Bright red PLASMA BULLETS illuminate the >room in a series of quick, stroboscopic FLASHES! Crow: Jennifer Beals begins to dance around on stage. > RAPID CUTS: > >KLAANG > >looks around in confusion, shouting in Klingon! > Tom: [Klaang] Nervous nellies! I want my fish sticks! My wife has grown ugly! Poopie pants! >HOSHI > >is crouching low to avoid the gunfire, erratically scanning with her >beacon. > >THE GUARD > >senses motion behind him, turns to take aim -- > Mike: I'll get you gaffer! >HIS POV > >Of a Suliban lunging toward him! > >THE GUARD > >HITS the deck hard --his weapon goes sliding across the floor! > Mike: That weapon must be slicker than a used car salesman on commission. Tom: Nice, Mike. Mike: Got it from a book. >ARCHER (OPTICAL) > >reacts quickly, LUNGES and ROLLS toward the weapon, >GRABS it and whirls toward the Suliban. BLAM-BLAM-BLAM! He FIRES! Tom: Blam-blam-blam? Crow: Must an ascendant of the Flintstones. > >THE SULIBAN IS HIT (OPTICAL) > >and goes flying backward! > >KLANNG > >senses movement above, looks up to see -- Crow: Visions of sugarplums dancing on his head. > >A SULIBAN ON THE CEILING > >directly over him! The creature DROPS into CAMERA! Tom: AH! They're going after the cameramen! > >SILENCE Tom: The battle stopped in mid-sequence? > >No movement. All we can hear is the agitated clicking and chirping of >the alien lifeforms. > Crow: [Archer] Damn it! Hoshi, tell them all to shut up! >HOSHI (O.C.) >(worried) >Captain? > >Suddenly, we hear the SURGE of warp power coming back on- line... and >the lights and consoles begin to COME ALIVE one by one. Mike: We now return you to your regularly scheduled boredom. > >ANGLE- THE ROOM > >The Guard is lying on the floor, dazed. Tom: And thus begins the long tradition of nameless security guards getting beaten up. > Phlox rushes to help him. Hoshi >is crouching on the deck, as before. She glances down, sees a DEAD >SULIBAN sprawled just inches from her! Disgusted, she edges away. > Crow: Sheesh, she's as scared as all those old B-movie women! >Archer is staring at the bio-bed, which is now empty. Klaanq and the >Suliban are gone. OFF his reaction... > Tom: Dull surprise! >CUT TO: > >INT. BRIDGE (VPB) > >Archer is on his feet, pacing, agitated. Mike: [Archer] What shall I wear? What shall I wear? > T'Pol, Reed, Mayweather, >Charlie, Hoshi and crewmembers at their stations. Mid-scene, tense: > >ARCHER >(frustrated) >We've got state-of-the-art sensors... why the hell didn't we detect >them? > Tom: Because the power went out? Mike: Because they were being really, really quiet? >MAYWEATHER >Mister Reed thought he detected something right before we lost power... Mike: It better not be any of Hoshi's boogiemen... > >Archer turns to Reed, who's working his console. > Tom: Stop tweaking your X-Box, Reed! >REED >The starboard sensor logs recorded a spatial disturbance. Crow: [Reed] That is, a plot point. > > >Charlie looks over Reed's shoulder. > >CHARLIE >Looks more like a glitch. > >HOSHI >Those weren't glitches in Sickbay. Crow: [Archer] Those sons of glitches killed one of my crewmen. > >ARCHER >(to Charlie) >I want a complete analysis of that disturbance. Tom: [Archer] Who knows? It may be either the key to saving this episode, or just an interesting waste of time. > >Charlie heads for the door... > >ARCHER (to Reed) >Where do we stand on weapons? Mike: I like 'em, sir. I like 'em a lot. > >REED >I still have to tune the targeting >scanners... > Crow: What's so hard about re-calibrating your joystick? Mike: Uhhh... >ARCHER >What're you waiting for? > Crow: Tuning forks? >Reed joins Charlie and they EXIT together. T'Pol crosses to Archer. > >T'POL >Captain... > >ARCHER >(ignoring her, to Hoshi) >The Klingon seemed to know who they were. See if you can translate >what he said. > Mike: Okay, if you want to hear words like "nummymuffin" and "cookie". >HOSHI >Right away. > >Hoshi turns to go. > >T'POL >Captain. > Crow: [T'Pol] I need screen time! Look at me! >He turns to her. > >T'POL >(consoling) Tom: [T'Pol] I sense great hostility, Captain. >There's no way you could have anticipated this. I'm sure Ambassador >Soval will understand. > Mike: [T'Pol] We'll let the Vulcans know of your boo-boo and we'll make it ALLLLL better. >ARCHER >(an order) >You're the Science Officer. Why don't you help Charlie with that >analysis? > Tom: [T'Pol] Because logic dictates that I continue to insult you. >T'POL >The astrometric computer in San Francisco will be far more effective. > Mike: Logic dictates that we go all the way back to continue an investigation. >ARCHER >We're not going to San Francisco, so make-do with what we've got here. > >T'POL >You've lost the Klingon. Your mission is over. > Tom: Come on. Let's head over to Milliways. I'll buy you dinner. >ARCHER >I didn't lose the Klingon... he was taken. Crow: He wasn't taken. He was "borrowed"! > And I'm going to find out >who took him. > Tom: [Archer] I *WILL* FIND THEM! Mike: Star Trek -3: The Kwest for Klaang! >T'POL >How do you plan to do that? Mike: [Archer] Elementary, my pointy-eared friend. >(slightly patronizing) >Space is very big, Captain... Tom: You may think it's a long way down to the chemist's but that's peanuts to space! > a shadow on your sensors won't help you >find them. This is a foolish mission. > Mike: My, aren't we insubordinate? >Archer heads for his Ready Room. > >ARCHER >Come with me. > Mike: Uh oh! T'Pol is in troubllllllle! Tom: She's going to the Ready Room! Naughty, naughty! >T'Pol follows... > >INT. READY ROOM > >As Archer and T'Pol ENTER... > Crow: A group of time-traveling voyeurs watch in anticipation for... Mike: Crow? No. >ARCHER >(continuing) >I'm not interested in what you think about this mission. So take your >Vulcan cynicism and bury it along with your repressed emotions. Tom: Oooo! Archer's really mad now! Mike: [Archer] And while you're at it, go bury your head in the sand too! > >T'POL >Your reaction to this situation is a perfect example of why your >species should remain in its own star system. Crow: Yeah yeah, rant rant rant. Sheesh, and I thought me and Servo thought up some anti-human diatribe. > >ARCHER >(heated) >I've been listening to you Vulcans tell us what not to do all my life. Mike: [Archer] What to do, what to eat, what to wear... this dress doesn't even fit me! >I watched my father work his ass off while your scientists held back >just enough information to keep him from succeeding. Tom: When did humans become so whiny? What about innovation? >(beat) >He deserved to see that launch. You may have life spans of two hundred >years... we don't. Mike: [Archer] So don't EXPECT us to be patient when we only live about half your lifespan, oh enlightened pointy! > >A tense moment. T'Pol can see she's not going to win this argument. > > >T'POL >You are going to be contacting Starfleet... to advise them of our >situation. Mike: [Archer] I didn't hear the word "please". > >ARCHER >No, I'm not. And neither are you > >T'Pol raises a skeptical brow. > >ARCHER >Now get the hell out there and make yourself useful. Tom: Just then, the San Diego Chargers went out to start the second half, pumped. > >T'Pol EXITS. Archer watches her go... then walks to the window and >stares out into space... > Crow: Yep. Still really, really, big. >CUT TO: > >INT. SICKBAY (OPTICAL/VPB) > >Dimly-lot, except for a single bright surgical lamp shining down on >the dead Suliban. Although we can't see it clearly, Phlox's hands are >busy inside the opened chest of the Suliban. Crow: *EHHHHHH!* Tom: [Phlox] Darn, have to try again. > He's enthusiastically picking >through the entrails. Mike: [Phlox, singsongy] o/~ Everybody's stitching up for surgery, try to keep your hand right on the job! 'Cause when you're stitching up for surgery, there's no time to mess around! o/~ > Archer looks on. > >PHLOX >Mister Klaang was right about one thing... he's a Suliban. But unless >I'm mistaken, he's no ordinary one. > Tom: He's actually the long lost offspring of European nobility! Crow: "The Suliban Diaries"! This fall on UPN! >ARCHER >Meaning? > Mike: [Phlox] He's no ordinary Suliban? >PHLOX >His DNA is Suliban... but his anatomy has been altered. Crow: Leading to his lucrative job in the adult film industry. >(re: corpse) >Look at this lung. > Mike: Why, it's covered in nacho cheese! >Archer peers into the open chest cavity. Crow: Hey! Why is there an espresso machine in there? > >PHLOX >Five bronchial lobes. > Tom: Four cardiac chambers, three sinus cavities, two swollen spleens and a kidney by his knee! >Phlox points to a monitor at the head of the bio-bed, which shows an >intricately complex biological diagram. > Tom: [Phlox] And the thingy is going all wrong! It should be going the other way around! >PHLOX >You see? It should only have three. Crow: Great, let's grill up the other two for supper. >{back to the corpse) >And look at the alveoli clusters... they've been modified to process >different kinds of atmospheres. Mike: Can the balloon juice, prof. We've got a plot that needs movin' > Mike: Plus there's this instruction book and blank warranty card over by his spine. >ARCHER >Are you saying he's some kind of mutant? Tom: No, 'cause then Patrick Stewart would be in this show too. > >PHLOX >Yes, I suppose I am. But this was no accident, no freak of nature. >This man was the recipient of some very sophisticated genetic >engineering. Crow: [Phlox] He's still not getting an Emmy, though. > >Phlox is like a kid in a candy store. Mike: If he plans on eating any "candy" from this "store", I'm leaving right now. > He picks up a thin instrument and >activates it. A deep red light comes on. Phlox shines the light on the >Suliban's dappled face. > Tom: [interrogator] Where were you on October 7? >He moves the light away, revealing that the skin has CHANGED COLOR, >perfectly matching the hue and intensity. > >PHLOX >Watch this. > Mike: We just did. >He taps a control on the instrument, and the color of the light changes >to BLUE. Crow: [Phlox] I'll make a Smurf out of him yet! > He shines the light on the Suliban's clothing, moves it away - >-the clothing has ADAPTED to the color. > Tom: Genetically engineered clothing. >PHLOX >(re: dappled skin) >Subcutaneous pigment sacs. > Mike: Why not just call it "chameleon skin"? Crow: Very handy for those space artists on the go. >Archer reacts. > >PHLOX >(re: clothing) >A bio-mimetic garment. > > Mike: Doesn't it make him feel sort of naked? Tom: Nah, Mike. You see, he'll only LOOK naked to the others, but not to himself. Mike: Thanks... I think. > >PHLOX >The eyes are my favorite. > Tom: The Corinthian! >Phlox lifts an eyelid, exposing a super-dilated pupil glowing with >phosphorescence. > Mike: Somebody should have avoided the brown acid. >PHLOX >Compound retinas. He most likely saw things even your sensors couldn't >detect. Mike: [Archer, perkily] Maybe he knows about that spatial anomaly! > >ARCHER >It's not in their genome? > Tom: [Phlox, sarcastic] No, it's in the shoes. >PHLOX >Certainly not. The Suliban are no more evolved than humans. Tom: And we all know how primitive humans are. Am I right? Crow: You said it, brother. Mike: Hey! >(re: corpse) >Very impressive work, though. I've never seen anything quite like it. > >Archer doesn't share his excitement about this discovery. He's uneasy. Mike: [Archer] Great, just what I need, genetically modified invaders. What next? Time traveling holograms? > >ARCHER >What do you know about them? Where do they come from? Crow: So Archer doesn't even know where baby aliens come from? Uhhhh... you answer him, Mike. Mike: Me? No way! > >PHLOX >They're nomadic, I believe. No home world. Tom: [Archer] Where do they normally live, then? And don't tell me some place like Mongolia or whatever! > I examined two of them years >ago... a husband and wife... very cordial. > Crow: [Phlox] The wife kept on saying, "Does my skeletal figure make me look fat"? >As Archer considers... > Mike: [Archer] I wonder how Wisconsin is at this time of year? >CUT TO: > >INT. MAIN ENGINEERING > >Charlie and T'Pol are working at a station that displays various >sensor data. Charlie is upbeat, T'Pol is detached. > Crow: Not to mention cold and unfeeling. >CHARLIE >(points at some data) >How about this? > Mike: Well, I don't know Charlie. Usually the recipe for algae puffs wouldn't be vital information. >T'POL >It's just background noise. Tom: [T'Pol] Like what's inside your head. > Your sensors aren't capable of isolating >plasma decay. > >CHARLIE >How can you be so damn sure what our sensors can do? > Crow: She read the "Terran Sensors FAQ". >T'POL >Vulcan children play with toys that are more sophisticated. > Mike: Yeah, Vulcan children just love playing with their advanced sensors and photon torpedoes! >As they work... > >CHARLIE >(fed up) >You know, some people say that you Vulcans do nothing but patronize >us... Tom: That's not true! They also insult in dry tones! > but if they were here now... if they could see how far you're >bending over backwards to help me, they'd eat their words. > Tom: Miiiiike, Charlie's stealing my sarcasm gig! >T'POL >(pointed) >Your Captain's mission was to return the Klingon to his people. He no >longer has the Klingon. > >CHARLIE >I realize he's only a simple Earthling... Tom: You know, Mike. We've called your species a lot of bad things. Mike: Yeah. Tom: But this time I feel for your pain. Mike: That's great. You've taken a bold step in becoming human. Tom: I still don't wanna be human! Crow: Yeah, Mike. I mean, you TOUCH YOUR FOOD! YUCK! [Mike sighs.] > but did it ever occur to you >that he might know what he's doing? > Crow: Captain Baseball Cap? The thought never crossed my mind. >T'Pol is silent. Tom: [T'Pol] Logic dictates that I do not answer rhetorical questions. > >CHARLIE >It's no secret Starfleet hasn't been around too long... God knows you >remind us of that every chance you get... but does that mean the man >who's been put in charge of this mission doesn't deserve our support? >(pointed) >Then again, loyalty's an emotion, isn't it? > Crow: If loyalty is an emotion, I guess modesty could be an emotion, too. Tom: Yeah. That means someone should be a little more nude right now. Mike: I think that's enough from you two. >T'Pol glances at him, but before she can respond, the door opens and >Archer ENTERS. > Tom: In a brilliant flash, he is there! HUZZAH! >ARCHER >Having any luck? > Mike: [Charlie] Yeah, I made it to second base with her! >CHARLIE >(re: T'Pol, ironic) >Not really. > Mike: I've got Stones tickets and everything, but she's still resisting! >T'POL >(to Archer) >My analysis of the spatial disturbance Mister Reed saw indicates a >stealth vessel with a tricyclic plasma drive. Tom: "Useless information," eh T'Pol? Crow: [T'Pol] The data also confirms that the ship is not so stealthy after all. Of course, *I* knew that! > >CHARLIE >(off that) >If we can figure out the decay rate of their plasma, we'll be able to >find their warp trail. > Tom: Or you can just trace their license plate. >T'POL >Unfortunately, your sensors >weren't designed to measure plasma decay. > Mike: Another feature found on most Vulcan toys. >Over the above exchange, we see Hoshi ENTER the room. Tom: A lot of dramatic entrances, aren't there? Crow: I'm surprised I haven't used a Team Rocket reference yet. > It's obvious she >hasn't been to Engineering before. She glances around, intrigued, but >gets a little hesitant as she approaches the pulsing warp core. > >HOSHI >(re: warp core, half-joking) >Are you sure it's safe to stand so close to that? > Mike: As long you don't mind having your eyeballs glow in the dark. Tom: Besides, if it explodes, you'll die no matter where on the ship you are, so... >ARCHER >What've you got? > >HOSHI >I've managed to translate most of what Klaang said. But none of it >makes sense. > Tom: Oh. They've captured John Madden. >She hands him a PADD. > >ARCHER >Nothing about the Suliban? Mike: [Hoshi] No, just stuff about "sissypants" and "skiddles". > >HOSHI >Nope. > >ARCHER >(to T'Pol) >That name ring a bell to you? Mike: [T'Pol] No, but I'm sure they're not interesting. > >T'POL >They're a somewhat primitive species from Sector Three Six Four One. Crow: I'm surprised she didn't designate them with a species number. >But they've never posed a threat. > >ARCHER >Well, they have now. >(to Hoshi) >Did he say anything about Earth? Mike: Yep. He said, "Mostly Harmless." > >HOSHI >The word's not even in their database. > Tom: They've got a world for "solid thing that we stand on planetside" though. >Archer eyes the PADD. > Mike: [Archer] Why is Golden Sun playing on this? >HOSHI >It's all there. There were only four words I couldn't translate. >probably just proper nouns. > > >Archer carefully pronounces the words. > Crow: Eep, Op, Ork, Ah Ah. >ARCHER >(off PADD) >"Jelik...Sarin...Rigel.,. Tholia." Tom: The members of N'Synch 2178! > > >Archer looks up to T'Pol. > >ARCHER >Anything sound familiar? > Crow: [T'Pol] Sorry, I wasn't paying attention to this futile and pointless debate. >T'Pol hesitates. Clearly, something has rung a bell. Mike: The Hunchback of T'Pol? > In typical >fashion, she tries not to show it. > Tom: She stuck it in along with her bitter resentment for humans and Archer's choice of wardrobe! >ARCHER >T'Pol? > Crow: Hellooooo? Pointy? Wakey-wakey! >She pauses again... glances at Charlie, who says nothing but gives her >a pointed look. Mike: [T'Pol] Copycat. > Finally: > >T'POL >(to Archer) >Rigel is a planetary system... approximately fifteen light years from >our present position. > Tom: [T'Pol] I hear they have very nice cutlery. >ARCHER >(sensing more) >Why the hesitation? Crow: Well, there's a bunch of Rangers shooting an episode there... > >T'Pol realizes she's about to piss Archer off. > Mike: [T'Pol] I... I... really hated you on Murphy Brown. >T'POL >According to the navigational logs salvaged from Klaang's ship... >Rigel Ten was the last place he stopped before crashing on your >planet. > Tom: D'oh! And I guess they just forgot until now? >As angry as Archer is, he's not surprised. > Crow: As he had read the script beforehand. >ARCHER >Why do I get the feeling you weren't going to share that little piece >of information? Mike: Uh, because you're prejudiced again Vulcans? Tom: The way they're portrayed so far, do you blame them? Crow: [T'Pol] Sorry, sir. R'Nixon gave me orders not to talk. > >T'POL >I wasn't authorized to reveal the details of our findings. Tom: You weren't authorized to conceal it either. > >Charlie and Hoshi exchange a look --they're uncomfortable with the >tension. Mike: So, they changed the channel, ending up on a re-run of "The Amazing Race". > >ARCHER >(controlled anger) [All snicker.] Mike: [Archer] Damn, how do those good-for-nothing Vulcans control their emotions? It hurts! >The next time I learn you're withholding something... you're going to >spend the rest of this voyage confined to some very cramped quarters. Tom: [T'Pol] But aren't all the quarters kind of cramped? Crow: [Archer] I was referring to the closet. >Understood? > >T'Pol's reaction is hard to read. Mike: Dull surprise? > Archer hits a com panel. > >ARCHER >Archer to helm. > > >MAYWEATHER'S COM VOICE >Aye, sir. > Crow: [Archer] Get me Rick Berman. He said there would be chips on the set. >ARCHER >Go into the Vulcan starcharts and find a system called Rigel... then >set a course for the tenth planet. > Tom: Tenth planet from WHERE? Left or right? >As Archer gives T'Pol a final look… Crow: Time-traveling capuchin monkeys... Mike: Oh, for the love of...! > >EXT. SPACE -ENTERPRISE (OPTICAL) > >jumps to warp. > Mike: [Archer] Wait! I didn't say enga-... never mind. >CUT TO: > >INT. SULIBAN HELIX -INTERROGATION ROOM > >Klaang is restrained in an elaborate chair. Tom: It's just a Klingon La-Z-Boy. > Two SULIBAN DOCTORS monitor >sinister-looking tubes and devices that are connected to the Klingon's >body. Tom: I see we still have clichés. Crow: If it's the good guys, it's tricoders and hyposprays. If it's the bad guys, it's some elaborately stupid connecting... thing. > Source light from an off-camera window bathes the scene in a >steely BLUE GLOW. Mike: Hey! He's being held in K-Mart! > Silik, the Suliban seen earlier, is questioning >Klaang. It's clear that Klaang has been drugged. Crow: Whoa. He's got the munchies and he's listening to Floyd, man. > Mid-scene. > >SILIK >(in Klingon) >ReH suvro~? Tom: I had an uncle Ray Servo, I wonder if it's the same guy. >(subtitle reads) Where is it? > Mike: Darn, I wish Starfleet could have a translator that shows subtitles! >KLAANG >Du bog:h. >(subtitle reads) >I don't know. > >SILIK >Chonta~ qhe'tor. Q.a! Tom: Snarfy snarfy, snarf? >(subtitle reads) >We're not going to harm you. Tell me where it is. Crow: [Klaang] I am Klaang, son of Doogie. Serial number 2457347... > >KLAANG >Du Bog:h. Tom: Cleveland? >(subtitle reads) >I don't know. > Crow: That's a weird dialect, this Klingon language. Mike: Do they HAVE to write in the Klingon words? >Silik looks to one of the Doctors. > Crow: [Silik] For the last time, I DON'T know the nature of the medical emergency! >SILIK >Are you certain he's telling the truth? Mike: Nope. We can't handle the truth. > >SULIBAN DOCTOR >Absolutely certain. > Mike: [Silik] Shoot, that means all our fuss over this moron has come to nothing. Ah well, release him. > >Silik turns back to Klaang. Tom: [Silik] Where's my elephant? > >SILIK >Hovme~ lup;Hom. Pente daO? Enter~rise DaHjaj? Tom: "Pele says I can make money fast with e-mail"? >(subtitle reads) >Did you leave it on your ship... did you hide it somewhere... is it on >Enterprise? > Mike: Did you leave it in a box? Did you leave it with a fox? >KLAANG Du boqh g:uch. >(subtitle reads) >I don't know what you're looking for. Crow: Ooh! Try down at Super K-Mart! They have everything! > >SILIK >B1Heqh Rigel wo'tul? Tom: "Can I touch my forehead with my tongue"? >(subtitle reads) >What were you doing on Rigel Ten? > Crow: I know this one. The punchline's "First I add the eggs and then I stir the coffee". >KLAANG >MajQa tlharn